THE DCLS

By

Isidore (Izzy) Abrahami

No one knew how everyone did know that the DCLS (Deputy Certified Location Specialist) died in a plane crash in the jungle, though not a single clue of the small plane could be traced.
Nonetheless everyone wanted to become the new DCLS.
The weird thing was that only very few people knew that DCLS stood for a Deputy Certified Location Specialist, but nobody knew which location he was specialist on, and what sort of specialist he was supposed to be. People were sure that it was a directive from the political echelons not to reveal too many details about the DCLS for security consideration. In any case, the majority didn’t know what the DCLS position was, or how much money he was making, but still everybody wanted to replace the mysteriously departed DCLS.
One week after the DCLS’ symbolic funeral took place – as there were no remains -- some hundred mourners dressed in business suits and ties, attended his memorial, which took place in Manhattan’s Paley Park at 3 East 53rd street.
Everybody who was somebody was there.
The PFS (Personal Financial Specialist) and his wife whom everyone knew that she was suffering from FSAD, (Female Sexual Arousal Disorder) were there, the GAM (Gay Asian Men) accompanied by the NCCC (National Certified Career Counselor) walked around perturbed, many members of AITF (Audit Issues Task Force) were whispering to one another, the ALA (Associate of the Library Association) was by himself, constantly eating the cookies that were on display.
A group including the CISM (Certified Information Security Manager from ISACA), the respected ETF (Evaluation Task Force), people from the OTS (Office of Thrift Supervision) and those from the SSLLC (Shared Services LLC) and from the VGP (Virtual Grassroots Panel) were gathered around the TC (Team Captain) going on hash-hashing about something. Each one of the people present knew these acronym titles but except for those who held them, no one else knew what they stood for. But what they did know was that these individuals were the most important ones in attendance and that they could decide who is going to be the next DCLS.
A few sharp-eyed people could notice that everyone was moving slowly, as if not to be noticed. A number of small groups were trying to decode the acronyms with limited success. One guessed that the TC was the Team Captain but no one knew what sort of team he was leading, and who he was captaining. Another speculated that the sickness of the FSAD, which the wife of the PFS has got, was some sort of illness related to Fat Salads Disorder, but no one knew for sure what kind of salads consist of fat, what kind of fat, and what were the symptoms of this disorder. In short, everybody was playing the guessing game but what everybody knew for certain was that each one of the tens of people gathered in Paley Park wanted to become the new DCLS.
It took a whole week of meetings between the CFP (Certified Financial Planner), the CGFM (Certified Government Financial Manager), the CISA (Certified Information System Auditor), the CC (Comptroller of the Currency) and the DDiv (Doctor of Divinity) to finally announce that they weren’t fully authorized by the JEEP (Joint Ethics Enforcement Plan) to decide who would be the next DCLS.
The country was in turmoil. People wondered how would they survive without the DCLS, even though no one knew what was the DCLS function or how was he contributing to the survival of the country.
The notion that the WMD (Weapons of Mass Distraction) were spreading rapidly in among the terrorists was first proposed by the CSSD (Concealed Secretary of the Station Deputy), and it put the nation on high alert.
Now all eyes turned to the CSSD.
Everybody knew that the CSSD was the Concealed Secretary of the Station Deputy but no one could figure out what kind of Station he was a deputy to.
A committee was formed that included the IAASB (International Auditing And Assurance Standards Board), the IAFP (International Association for Financial Planning), the IAHA (International Association of Hospitality Accountants), the IAI (Independent Accountants International), the IASB (International Accounting Standards Board), the UEC (Union European des Experts Comptables Economiques et Financiers) and the VGP (Virtual Grassroots Panel)
Not many people knew that the TIC (Technical Issues Committee) and the TRPs (Technical Resource Panels) have put two options on the table of this committee: One was to attack Iran and the other was to do absolutely nothing.
But the sudden appearance of OOLAW (Officer of the Office of Laboratory Animal Welfare) in the middle of their deliberations, who proposed another two options, put the committee in disarray. One was to attack Syria and the other was to bomb Israel, which was causing all the problems in the region.
Before taking the final decision, the committee decided to read the book titled TIPS (Technical Information for Practitioners Series) by a member of the renowned GAQB (Government Audit Quality Center) and another book by the MSP (Member Solutions Partnership).
After a careful reading of the books, the IAASB, the IAFP, the IAHA, the IAI, the IASB, the UEC, and the VGP decided to recommend to the USTC (United States Tax Court) to attack Turkey. As a matter of routine they included a copy to the NAARS (National Automated Accounting Research System).
All this aside, the most urgent decision yet to be made was who would be the next DCLS.
Manhattan’s Paley Park at 3 East 53rd street was, as it has always been, a home to the homeless. But during the summer of 2009, surprisingly, only two of the homeless people Lenny Bach and Chris Burger appeared in the park.
Chris (75) has been a USA army Capitan, piloting the plane of the OSS team (Office of Strategic Services, forerunner of the CIA) that parachuted in 1945 in northern Vietnam, which saved the leader Ho Chi Minh who was ill with malaria and other tropical diseases.
After the OSS team parachuted, Chris’ small plane developed serious problems and crashed in the jungle. He survived miraculously but got seriously wounded. He managed to climb up onto what was left of the plane’s cockpit where he had first-aid kit with which he could take care of his wounds, and had a small supply of water and canned food.
He knew that the dense jungle around him and being a thousand miles from any human habitation would foil any attempt to find him. Death was looking at him in the face.
On the third day at sunrise he woke up from a strange noise he heard. He opened his eyes and saw a most extraordinarily small person, who stood there examining him with great seriousness.
Chris stared at this sudden apparition in astonishment. He had crashed in the jungle a thousand miles from any inhabited region, and yet nothing about the man gave any suggestion of a person lost in the middle of the jungle.
When at last he was able to speak, Chris asked him: “Who are you? What are you doing here?”
The strange person looked at Chris and said as if he were speaking of a matter of great consequence.
“I’m here to help.”
And that’s how Chris met Lanh Ba.ch, which in Vietnamese means quick-minded, street-smart, peaceful and humane.
“Do you believe in afterlife?” Lanh suddenly asked.
“I’m a pilot. I was piloting the OSS team,” retorted Chris, “I’m a rational person.”
“And in reincarnation?”
“I told you, I’m a matter-of-fact guy.”
For a few months Lanh Ba.ch was nursing Chris’ wounds with particular leaves and rare trees’ bark.
It was apparent that Lanh believed in the healing powers of the natural world, and indeed, after five months Chris was back at his full health.
During these months Chris learned that Lanh was a self-imposed exile and a happy hermit living in the jungle. But what’s more, Chris developed a strong bond of friendship with Lanh and decided to stay with him and live in the jungle. Not meeting anyone else, Chris lived in the jungle for one year under Lanh’s guidance.
“I can feel that you’ve become pretty unhappy here,” one day Lanh told Chris, “and that you’re missing the company of people of your country.”
“I miss New York,” Chris admitted.
“You lived here for a long time,” Lanh said, “if you want I’ll join you and we’ll go to your country.”
After many adventures that can’t be revealed at this time because many of the details are still top secret under the laws of SAVE (Systematic Alien Verification for Entitlement) and UNSI (Undisclosed National Security Institute) Chris and Lanh reached New York.
Chris changed Lanh’s name to Lenny and his family name from Ba.ch to Bach.
Upon arrival Chris discovered that he was listed by CADAPSO (Clandestine Association of Data Processing Service Organization) and by the OTS (Office of Thrift Supervision) as a missing person. And until the PAC (Political Action Committee), the GASBOC (Governmental Accounting Standards Board Organizing Committee) and the PRC (Peer Review Committee) would decide otherwise, Chris Burger would be considered by the HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) and by the CGFM (Certified Government Financial Manager) as a missing person who’s not entitled to any benefits.
This is how Chris Burger and Lenny Bach ended up as homeless people in Paley Park.
When the hundred or so mourners entered Paley Park for the memorial of the deceased DCLS, Chris and Lenny retreated to one of the parks corners.
Even though they heard fractions of sentences that indicated that it was a sort of a memorial for someone who had recently died, they couldn’t know that all these people dressed in business suits and ties didn’t come here caring for any memorial. Chris and Lenny couldn’t know that all what these people cared about was to be seen and to be chosen to replace the departed DCLS.
An hour into the memorial, a man about sixty years of age, approached Lenny Bach and Chris Burger.
“Do you want to eat or drink something?” he asked them kindly.
“No thank you,” they answered almost in unison. “What’s going on in here anyway?” asked Chris.
“It’s a memorial for the DCLS.” “For whom?” wondered Lenny.
“He was our Deputy Certified Location Specialist.”
“I understand,” said Lenny in sorrowful voice, “and who are you?
“I am the DMDGEFC,” the man answered without a hitch.
“And what do you do?”
“I’m the Deputy Manager of the Division of Global Environmental Facility Coordination.”
“But what do you do?”
“I coordinate the Division of Global Environmental Facility,” and lowering his voice he added, “my major problem is that I want to move from my job and become the new DCLS.”
“Why? What was his job?”
“He was a Location Specialist.”
“What location?”
“That’s the problem. No one knows which location he was specialist on.”
“I understand. And you want to become it?”
“Everyone here wants to become the DCLS.”
“But why? What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that nobody knows what to expect.”
“I get it.”
The friendly ADGEF joined them with: “Ah, what a life!”
“Who is he?” Chris asked the DMDGEFC in a whisper.
“He’s our ADGEF.”
“I see,” said Chris.
Turning to Lenny Bach and Chris Burger the ADGEF exclaimed: “Don’t you want to eat or drink anything?”
“No thank you.”
“Why don’t you join us?” asked the ADGEF in apprehension, being aware that the DMDGEFC is there too.
Lenny Bach looked at him with pity.
“We don’t belong here,” he said hesitatingly, “we belong somewhere else.”
“Aren’t you guys homeless?” asked the DMDGEFC.
“What makes you think so?” said Lenny.
“Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”
“Our home is the jungle,” said Chris with determination.
Lenny Bach looked at him amazed.
“Are you trying to insult us?” asked angrily the SWOMBATGI (Speaker of the Wildly and Openly Modified Broadband Achromatic Twyman Green Interferometer) who had just joined the DMDGEFC, and overheard what Chris had said.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend anyone of you,” Chris said, “I meant that we belong in the real jungle.”
Stunned Lenny Bach couldn’t believe his ears and couldn’t hide his joy.
“Do you mean that?” he asked Chris.
“I certainly do,” replied Chris.
By then Lenny Bach and Chris Burger were surrounded by quite a lot of people.
“What’s going on in here?” asked the JAG (Judge Advocate General) who joined the crowd.
“Just talking with these people who seem not to belong to us,” said the EBGLTSA (Executive of the Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transgender and Supporters Alliance) as if excusing himself.
While many of the mourners were busy talking among themselves, Lenny Bach whispered to Chris: “Are we really going back?”
“Sure thing,” whispered Chris in return.
“Do they know that the DCLS had died?” asked the FEAITF (Female Executive Audit Issues Task Force)
“We’re leaving,” said Chris and stood up. Lenny stood up too.
On hearing that the CGSTT (Chief Generation Skipping Transfer Tax) rushed up to them and almost screamed: “Not so fast! You can’t leave before we have a new DCLS!”
“We’re not from here,” protested Lenny.
“Aren’t you familiar with the GAAFRUA?” angrily asked the CGSTT.
“We’re not from here and we’re not familiar with all this,” said Chris apologetically.
“Don’t you know who the GAAFRUA is?”
“How do you spell that?” asked Chris.
“G, A, A, F, R, U, A.”
“I’m not sure.”
“He’s our Governmental Accounting, Auditing, and Financial Reporting Undercover Agent.”
While this heated conversation took place, the PRICO (Principal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act) and the CWLWIEC (Chairman of Work/Life and Women's Initiatives Executive Committee) joined the JCS (Joint Chief of Staff) who seems to recognize Chris Burger as the USA army Capitan, who piloted the plane of the OSS team that parachuted in 1945 in northern Vietnam and saved the leader Ho Chi Minh.
“Leave them alone!” forcefully ordered the JCS!
Everybody left Lenny and Chris in haste and joined the others in the middle of the park.
“You are Capitan Chris Burger, aren’t you?” asked the JCS.
“Yes sir!” Answered Chris in an almost mocking fashion.
“What brings you here?” asked the JCS, “you didn’t run for the new DCLS, did you?”
“No, not at all. My friend here Lenny Bach and I want to go back to the place in the jungle where I crashed.”
“I could surely help you,” said the JCS.
“Wow! That’d be great!”
“I’ll have only to talk to the AVM and issue a D-notice.
“That’s OK,” Chris exclaimed happily.
“What’s a D-notice?” asked Lenny fearfully.
“Don’t worry,” said reassuringly the JCS, “it’s just an official request to news editors not to publish items on specified subjects, for national security reasons.”
“And who is the AVM?” Lenny insisted.
“He’s the Air Vice Marshal.”
“When could we be on our way?” asked Chris in anticipation.
“Within hours!” came the reply. And leaning toward Chris, he whispered, “I’m going to reveal to you a top secret of the first degree, so listen carefully.” The AVM paused for effect. “Actually you are the DCLS!” He whispered to the overwhelmed Chris. “We couldn’t reveal it even to you…”
“What d’you mean?” Chris was in total shock.
“Do you know what DCLS means?”
“No! What?”
“Even if you knew it meant Deputy Certified Location Specialist you wouldn’t know which location you were specialist on and what sort of specialist you were…Do you get it?”
“No…?”
“The moment you crashed in the jungle, the Office of Thrift Supervision (OTS) decided to elevate you to be our DCLS.”

“I didn’t know about it ! What is my mission as DCLS?”
“The Deputy Certified Location Specialist’ mission is to find the best location in the jungle where we should build a twenty stories parking lot as the animal-tourism of the world’s rich and famous has increased in the 21st century. And you found it!” The AVM exclaimed.
And again because many of the details of how Chris and Lanh reached Ho Chi Minh City, that is Saigon, are still top secret under the laws of QCIC (Quality Control Inquiry Committee) they cannot be revealed at this time.
That’s how Chris Burger and Lenny Bach found themselves going by bus from Ho Chi Minh City to that isolated and lonely spot in the jungle, where Chris for the first time met Lenny Bach, aka, Lanh Ba.ch who helped him survive in the jungle.
On arrival they were shocked. A vast area was cleared of trees and a huge twenty-story building was erected on the spot. A part of Chris’ airplane was put as decoration on its roof. A huge sign was screaming from the front of the building:
“ALL MEMBERS OF OUR GOVERNMENT WISH TO THANK THE DCLS FOR HIS RESILIENCE IN MAPPING OUT THIS CERTIFIED LOCATION FOR DEVELOPING AND CREATING THIS GLORIOUS PARKING LOT.”
Now everyone knew that the DCLS was the Deputy Certified Location Specialist of the parking lot in the jungle.
Lanh Ba.ch who saved Chris Burger wasn’t mentioned in any of the ceremonial speeches that followed.
FIN

The author wish to thank Mr. Shai Sahar and Ms. Erga Netz for their helpful remarks.

© Izzy Abrahami, 2010
*********************
Izzy Abrahami
izzy@antv.nl
Abrahami-Netz TV Productions
Koninginneweg 89, 1075 CJ Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Tel: + 31 20 6710616, Mobile phone: + 31 653668320
Fax: + 31 20 6797378
www.antv.nl

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 13.05.2010

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