I guess this is my diary

About two weeks ago my mom found my diary. I had hid it in my bathroom closet because I didn’t want my cousins to find it in my room when they came over. I totally forgot I put it there until I came home from school one day and she sat me down to talk. She had read it. She told me she knew it was my diary but she decided to read it anyway because she felt like she was called to…whatever the fuck that means. It sounds more like her excuse for invading my privacy. She read all of my rants complaining about her and my dad and finally found out about my struggle with depression. She was surprised that I felt such a hatred for my dad but attributed it to me being a teenager. She also brushed off my depression and basically said I’ll get over it.

She also found out about all the things I hide from them. Like the music I listen to, movies I watch, friends I hang out with, clothes I wear when they’re not around. I live in a very conservative and religious household. The rules are very strict and most of the time backed by some vague verse in the Bible. My parents’ rules ultimately led to me falling away from my faith and hating them for being so constricting.

The main thing that she found about, though, is that I watch porn. That was what made her want to sit me down and talk. She said she would have otherwise ignored what she read and not told anyone. But now she knows about the porn. She said God called her to my journal so that she can stop me from sinning. It’s not even that bad. It’s not like I’m addicted or watch it constantly. Just sometimes when I feel especially depressed or alone. But now she thinks I have a problem. Again with the religion. Watching porn and masturbating is a big no-no in the Christian world. She told me I’m going to ruin my sex life because I won’t be turned on by normal people anymore because I’m so used to porn. She also said I’m more likely to have sex before marriage. She still believes I’m abstinent. Of course she would. Why would she think differently? I mean, I haven’t had sex but I definitely don’t want to wait until marriage.

Anyways, now I feel like I can’t trust anyone in my house. She isn’t going to tell my dad due to the fact that he’ll freak out and I’ll probably be sent to a secluded all girls boarding school in the mountains. No, he wouldn’t do that. Then I’d be too far away for him to control me.

So now I guess this is my new diary.

my story

 

its 12/06/16, and yes I’m still feeling pretty low. My work isn’t too bad anymore, Tension in the kitchen could be a lot worse.  I still feel like crap though. I’ve had a migraine for the past two weeks and I have to wait till Wednesday to get my blood test results so hopefully it will shed some light on the whole situation.

 A lot of people think its a stress related thing, I mean it could be but at the same time I don’t feel anywhere near as stressed as I have been in the past, and I never had headaches then. My dad recons its my iron levels, which sucks because ill end up taking iron tablets for the next 3 months. I do want to get it sorted though.

I think about Suicide so much at the moment. It seems like such a good way of leaving my problems. I hate my life, not that there’s much wrong with it, I just hate it. I’ve lost the will to self harm it just seems pointless now, it doesn’t hurt anymore its more of a boredom thing.  watched a program last night called ‘flowers’ it was a 5 part drama kind of thing. It was really good though didn’t half make me think about my own situation. The story was about a family called the flowers. The father of the family tried to commit suicide, but failed and his mother saw him do it. She lived with them too. His mother was old and couldn’t walk very well, she tried to get rid of the rope he used to try and hang himself with. But when she was trying to put it in the loft she fell and passed away. The father ‘Maurice’ couldn’t forgive himself as he thought it was all his fault. The rest of the program was showing how he was dealing with depression and how he overcame it, but I don’t feel like ill ever be truly happy and overcome my sadness.

 

they found my diary under the bed

 

They found his diary under the bed.

I was so angry when he left. He’d gone without a word of goodbye. Why? What had I done to deserve such a cold brush-off?

I pretended that I didn’t care. Fine, just leave. He wasn’t the first who’d left me. There had been others.

I looked back at those very short months, the timeline of our whole story. He’d wanted to go all the way. I wasn’t ready. He got mad and left. That was it.

I’d seen him one night with her. Who was that other girl? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to. I didn’t care.

The owner of the inn where he used to stay called out to me that morning. I lived nearby, so that old man must have seen him and I together a couple of times.

“He left this for you.” I received that book from the inn owner. “We found his diary under the bed.”

I went back to my room with his diary. I sat down and opened it. The pages struck me speechless. My tears started.

God, I hate him even more!

The last page. There was a picture of us, laughing at each other, one night in the crowd of (my) friends. I forgot who’d taken it. There was his handwriting below:

“Remember us this way…”

dear future boyfriend

 

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Where on earth are you now? When will I meet you? I didn’t have any problems about being single, but then, earlier (more like everyday), I saw my best friend’s older brother going into his girlfriend’s classroom after classes to help carry his girlfriend’s bags. I kind of felt lonely and alone during that moment. And I somehow…pity myself for loving guys who are only in pop fiction pocket books.

 

I should be making my speech for Gavel Club tomorrow…instead, I’m doing this.

Oh God. I got inspired to have an online journal like this because of the book I borrowed during the Teachers’ Day program earlier, entitled “Dear Future Boyfriend”.

I hope I meet you soon! 

 

 

Love,

 

natalie grace

too lazy

 

Dear Diary,

O M G

(I’m too lazy to change fonts rn hehe so sorry)

(So that’s what you’ll see in your ask.fm feed if you were be, haha.)

It hurts so bad, but it feels so good~ yeah~

This is SO WRONG. This is VEEERRY wrong.

But it feels DAMN RIGHT.

Still, in the eyes of the people, IT IS SO WRONG.

I feel like I shouldn’t have talked to ‘him’ in the first place! >.<

But if I didn’t talk to him, he wouldn’t notice my presence even just as a fan or follower!

I whole-heartedly thank the creators of ask.fm  Thank you ppl for creating such app where you can talk to humans you like without them knowing you 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.01.2018

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