My Relationship History

I most definitely have changed as a partner a great deal over the years. The young 14 year old I was when I had my first relationship was literally crazy loll it was also his first relationship. I was very passionate, loyal and an all or nothing type of girlfriend right from the very beginning. I was a virgin during the entire relationship which lasted until right before I turned 18. However, we explored our sexuality together and there were many firsts.

Two issues that were born in my first relationship were jealousy and insecurity. These I have battled with throughout my life in relationships, over the years improving with maturity. However, with S I admit I was an absolute nightmare. I couldn’t handle S having contact with another girl, I got jealous about absolutely everything and was almost always irrational. An example of how irrational I could be was my jealousy surrounding music videos with girls dressed provocatively. The thought of him watching these drove me absolutely crazy, pushing me into fits of rage. My anger was out of control when I was like this. I would never physically touch him but I do have a very harsh tongue and have said some horrendous things in this state. I know now looking back, I was controlling and abusive which is not something I am proud of at all.

I think the craziest thing about that relationship has to be how unaware I was of my behaviour. I could not control it in the slightest, it was like a hiccup. The feeling right before you hiccup, you literally can’t avoid it and it eventually takes over. I felt this way about jealousy. No matter how much I wanted to avoid it, it started with a tiny voice in my head sparking the match. The more I tried to ignore it the more persistent it would get. Eventually I would give it a voice and it almost always got worse before it got better.

I am more than aware now that this was completely unhealthy but at the time I thought it was love. S was definitely my first love and I adored him to his bones. Back then I would have taken a bullet for him, he meant everything to me. We spent all our time together, we were inseparable. I trusted him, told him everything and likewise. We supported each other in all aspects of life, from education to family. We were fun together around the right people.

Towards the end, I don’t know what made me cheat; did I get bored with the security? Did we just grow apart? I think it was a bit of both but what I do know is that I broke his heart. I was a cold ruthless bitch and told him id cheated without an inch of sympathy or empathy. I was glad to be rid of him. It makes me really sad to look back at that stupid girl that made stupid decisions, I want to slap her! He was a good guy and I fucked it up. I would be lying if I said a tiny part of me doesn’t regret it. I would be lying if I said I haven’t wondered where we would be now.

A few years ago, I spoke to him via email and he basically told me I destroyed him. It really touched a nerve I didn’t know I had for him at the time. I apologised to him more than once about everything but the feeling didn’t go away. I think to be honest that exact point was probably the first time I identified my behaviour in that relationship for what it actually was. He may be gone but that knowledge will always stay with me.

After that relationship I went through a very dark period in my life (will write a separate post for that). I lost my virginity at the age of 18 to the guy I cheated with on S. K was quite a few years older than me, more experienced and knew exactly what he was doing. Losing my virginity to him is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I wish I had lost it to S in the security and love of our first relationship, it would have meant so much more looking back now. The string of encounters with K (wouldn’t really class it a relationship) lasted around 6 months. It wasn’t a horrible period of time, he was nice to me. I just didn’t get him and I don’t think he really cared to get to know me. I do remember asking him questions but never really getting anything meaningful. Looking back I am under no illusion what I meant to him.

As a person I need much more than physical/sexual contact in a relationship which is why as soon as I got bored, I cut him off…

 

My Partner in Crime… Monkey

 

The first time I set eyes on Monkey I was 18, out with friends, sitting in a cafe. If you have read my other posts you will know that my life changed massively at this age and it was probably the hardest years I have ever lived until date. Looking back now I can honestly say I wouldn’t have made it through without him.

I was immediately attracted to him. It is strange thinking back to that moment because it was an attraction different to any other I have ever felt in my life. It wasn’t necessarily because of the way he looked although I did think he was cute. It was his energy. I’m smiling to myself picturing him as he looked to me when I first saw him. Young, naughty, a rebel who had another girl sitting on his lap as he smoked a cigarette.

I leant over to my best friend and whispered in her ear “who is that?” She told me his name and that he was soon starting my college, he was an academic year below me but only 8 months younger than me. I wanted to know more.

A short few days after I first saw him, the same group took a trip to a theme park. Looking back to that day I believe he felt the same attraction and magnetism as I felt towards him. He randomly came and stood next to me, never having said a word to me before that point, he put his arm on my shoulder, looked into my eyes and started singing me a song loll I’m laughing out loud as I write this. But honestly he had an amazing voice and I was smitten..

We exchanged numbers and from that moment we were practically inseparable. The bond I had with monkey is a once in a lifetime kind of bond. I never had before that point and I doubt I ever will again experience that deep a connection. The first time we spoke over the phone, I had this strange feeling that I had known him for years. The conversation flowed for about 4 hours straight!!

Shortly after this we started dating; I was infatuated by him in the short 2 months that we dated. We spent every single day together and grew very close. Then he cheated on me.. I wasn’t surprised because I knew when I met him that he was a real ladies man. It hurt but I had so much already going on in my life, my heart was already broken long before he did that to me. I remember slapping him in the face when he told me. That slap is the first and last time I ever hit a partner. It wasn’t just because he cheated; it was that he could do that to me already knowing I was broken.

The thing is about Monkey, I don’t think he realised at that point that I’m not like other girls. I have grown up with three brothers, two who are almost insane. As the only girl I have had to fight, be strong and survive from the very beginning. I am anything but delicate. So naturally, he hurt me; I cut him off clean cut.

He didn’t chase me. A short time later I met somebody else (Shad). But monkey and I eventually became friends. The bond we had built became one of the strongest friendships I have ever had. We did everything together. We were crazy together in the years that followed. We did drugs, broke into random public areas and places to chill and smoke weed. Drank ourselves into oblivion and snorted coke on occasion. We talked at length, cried together and shared everything in depth. He was my best friend. In a crowd together we were the life of the party and an energy that everyone around us recognised. In that period of my life, I needed him, he helped me survive.

A few memories come to mind… We had driven up to the woods to smoke a few joints. It was around sunset so although it wasn’t pitch black night it was slowly getting dark. We walked along a path with trees on our left and a large open field on our right. We were buzzing and smoking as we walked when he decided to tell me about ghosts dwelling in open spaces, especially at this time of day. I remember looking into the field thinking “shit!” I turned to look to my left to say “shut up your freaking me out” when the words froze in my mouth. He was gone! I stood froze to the spot, heart thumping, shouting “where have you gone, you bloody idiot!” when suddenly he grabbed me from behind. It’s amazing that I didn’t have a heart attack, pee myself or pass out. He found the look on my face extremely funny as I started chasing him screaming obscenities loll

Another time, we alongside a few friends jumped over a fence into the grounds of an education centre. We went around the back of the building and found a separate smaller building, no bigger than two rooms, with a boarded up door and window. As we sat on a nearby cement step smoking a joint we got curious. We decided to pull off the boards and see what was inside. Behind the biggest board was an unlocked door that let us into a small room with mirrors and a few sinks. Further in, we found the other room consisted of a line of toilet cubicles. It was all rather eerie and it looked like it had been shut off for many years. We messed around in there, laughing and hysterically high, taking silly pictures. I remember the following day as I went through the pictures, there was one in particular that we laughed about for days. I had snapped it of monkey and my female best friend when I screamed “pretend you’re ghosts” and she threw her hair in front of her face and monkey bent backwards awkwardly. In the image she looked like the girl from the ring and he looked like he didn’t have a head loll.

Those are just a few memories of many in those crazy drug fuelled years…

Monkey often told me I was like a boy. I had never heard this perspective before so I remember listening tentatively. He said I was one of the lads in a sexy skin loll that made me laugh. But I know what he meant. I wasn’t one to take anybody’s shit, I was hard, had to be heard, and didn’t care for anybody’s opinion. But that was on the outside, my shell that I used to protect myself from all the hurt around me. He was probably the only person in that period of time that saw the inside of me that crumbled and shook when I cried and was torn.

My friendship with monkey never faded from the age of 18, even now in this current moment he is in my life although at a complete distance because he is now married. Our relationship over the 12 years I have known him has been a complex one. There is more to it that I want to try to describe honestly.

I don’t know why but I always kept my romantic relationship with Shad (will be described in depth in part 3 to this series of entries) completely separate. For the first few years monkey didn’t even know I had a boyfriend. But because there wasn’t anything romantic between us I never felt the need to tell him.

Although monkey and I were inseparable, I was completely in love with Shad. A few years into our friendship monkey told me he was in love with me which was the main point our bond got very complicated. He told me he wished he had treated me right when we first met and that he didn’t realise what he had with me was so precious. The whole time he confessed his feelings I remember the same words playing in my mind constantly, “it’s just too late!”

I remember the day he found out shortly after this that I had a boyfriend. He was livid. Monkey is the only person I have ever known, outside of my family, which is crazier than I am. He emptied my bag on the floor, snatched my phone and rang Shad, shouting down the phone as he physically trembled with anger. He told Shad to come and fight him which terrified me because I knew monkey would rip him to shreds. Thankfully nothing ever happened of this sort. He swore and screamed in my face grabbing and pushing me up against a wall. I let him let it out, I felt I owed him this much for not telling him about Shad sooner. If you have read about my life you will know this wasn’t a new behaviour to me and it didn’t intimidate me in the slightest. I trusted him and knew he would never hit me which he never did. Instead he ran straight into a brick wall, smashing his head and knocked himself out. I remember holding his bleeding head in my lap, in the rain, tears falling silently from my face. I told him I loved him but not in that way.

That was the last time he told me about his feeling, although over the years he asked me to marry him more than once. Looking back at the years that followed that day, maybe I should have let him go. I should have been stronger and told him we couldn’t be friends, but I was selfish and I didn’t. We stayed close, I didn’t have the strength to let him go, I needed him. We stayed inseparable, lost in drugs and madness until I was about 25 when he met the girl he is now married to.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.01.2018

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Widmung:
My social side is a complicated one. I wouldn’t say i have dealt with social anxiety my whole life. I was in fact very popular throughout my teens and definitely a free spirit. However, somewhere in my early twenties i developed a feeling of not belonging. I had many friends in my early 20s so it wasn’t so much a lack of interaction but more a mix of being misunderstood with feeling self conscious.