Feelings
People Play with my feelings. They tear them apart. “How are you today?"... Do you really want to know?? Well I'm useless, broken, Alone, clueless, confused, betrayed, fragile, depressed, anxious… Do you need me to keep going??… I'm ready to give up, I'm pathetic, annoying, distant, lonely, bitter… rejected… crushed, empty, defeated, I’m never good enough. I'm on the verge of tears. That’s what feelings does to people like me. To someone who can't control his feelings. And what hurts most is that the more you care or “feel” for that person.
The more it freaking hurts to say goodbye. Emotionally… I'm drained to the max. Mentally I'm done. Spiritually… I'm freaking dead. But physically I smile. Because I don't want questions asked. Feelings are stupid. A piece of horse crap. Sometimes the face can speak a thousand emotions, but it can easily mask what the heart truly feels deep inside. People are fooled. The happiest face may be masking the most hurting heart. Feelings are a burden. They hold me back from what I want to do. I want to be happy but my “Feelings…” are taking that from me. Sometimes I'm a strong guy who keeps his stuff in line. Even when I have tears going down my face. I always manage to say two words though. I'm Fine. I act like I don't care. But deep inside… I swear to god it hurts like crap.
I never know what I'm doing anymore. All I know is you’re always on my mind… Everything else going on is just background noise distractions. That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing something or hearing something that just breaks your heart heart is excruciating. Like an Ice pick going at you a thousand miles an hour. Not stopping until you’re fully dead and lifeless. You know the feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door. fall into bed, and just let everything that you’ve kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation? Nothing is wrong. But nothing's right either. And now I'm tired. Tired of everything. Tired of everything but yet tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one’s there. And you know you’ve been strong for yourself because no one else can fix it. You’re tired of waiting. So am I. I'm tried of having to be the one to fix everything… I am tired of being strong.
I just want it to be easy you know. But it won't be. But yet you still hope, you still wish, and you still keep fighting and being strong. But with tears running down your cheeks. But yet still fighting. I have given up. Feeling are no longer a piece of me. I'm going to be that lonely, bitter, cold hearted, old lady.
And love… It's disgusting. There's no reason for that either. It gets in your way just like feeling. When you see his face… the feelings you thought you’ve forgotten, and the pain that once left your heart broken….all come back like it was still there waiting to pounce on you again. And the moment when anger turns to tears just cause you can't stay angry. i felt like I was waiting for something That's never going to happen. And I'm still waiting. I don't know why I'm still waiting. Why am I still waiting?!??!!?... I don't know why I'm waiting.
I just hope that I cross your mind every now and then I don't feel pathetic for thinking about you all the time. I like you so much, It makes me cry because I know that when it finally happened that someone will take you away or you would have to leave, you probably forget about me. I never knew I was strong until now that that I have too. Is it bad that I wish one day that you would wake up and like me just as much as I like you? Is it? Cause I think it is. I am not supposed to like you as much as i do. I'm not supposed to like you at all. I don't need a perfect one….I just need someone to make me feel like the only one. I hate the fact that the only person i miss right now in my life is the one that doesn't even give two dip craps about me….or probably know I exist.
Don't fall in love with her….please.
Not yet.
Why?
I know you are leaving. But I Have a question for you that I have been wanting to ask you since We first met. Why? I know Why is the hardest question we ask ourselves in this life. My question is for you. Why? Why did I fall in love with you? What is so special about you that I decided that you were the one i wanted to hold close. The one i wanted to never….ever let go of. Most of my friends, say i have a crush. and you know what? I agree. Because that’s how I will feel when I find out that you won't feel the same back about me.
Why did i hug you for the first time? I don't know the answer to that. Do you? I bet you don't either. I think the reason I hugged you for the first time was because i didn't know that we would be here we are today. I think I hugged you for the first time because I wanted you to hug me back. Because I wanted you to be my best friend.
Why did I say Hi to you that morning? I don't know. Do you? I said hi that day because I knew we would be somewhere in life. Just not where we are now. You have no idea how fast my heart races when I see you. Hi….is such a short a simple word….But sometimes it’s the word that starts everything. That starts this whole thing of Love.
Why do i always smile when I am around you? I don't know. Don't ask me. You know love starts with a smile. Then it grows with a kiss. But ends with a teardrop. But let’s keep it at the first two please. I love myself so much when you’re around. I love my eyes when you look in them. I love my name so much more when you say it. I love my heart when you touch it. I love life….when you’re in it. I always smile.
Why did I kiss you first the first time? I really….really….don't know. I just wanted someone to love me at the moment and you were there. Ready to beat up the one who broke my heart. Or hug me and pull me close while i cried. But I was desperate. Of course, You didn't mind. But it changed our whole relationship. Now I am always smiling. Now I always want to be next to you. Now I get jealous when you hug another girl. Now….I want you all for my own. But. You are my best friend. And the only way we are going to stay together is if you remain my best friend. Cause I never want you out of my life. I never want you gone. Just because you mean so much to me. You’re the last thing I want to lose. You’re the last thought i want to wake up to, and the thought i fell asleep to. You make me feel like so happy and cared for. If you thought differently, well, you’re wrong. I want to keep you in my life for as long as possible. I practically love you right now.
Don't forget that.
Sweet Agony
What do you see when you look in my eyes?
A freak? A nameless being?
Or maybe simply another face in the endless sea of people
What do I see when I look at myself in the mirror?
I see pain, laughter, tears, smiles, fatigue, and endless energy.
What do I do
When the world I live in
Doesn't know I am suffering?
I feel the scars
On my heart….
My arms….
My wrists….
And I think back to a time when I was truly alone
Wondering the streets at night
The sky dark and stormy,
With the cold rain falling down on me
It was like the sky was crying
All the tears I was too afraid to shed myself
That was along time ago,
but still I can feel the sharpness of the blades upon my soul
My skin
My heart
Sometimes at night I sit up
Stare at my window
And cry, for all the pain I still sometimes feel.
I wonder if life is meant to be more then this,
This town
These people
These feelings
I am like a caged animal,
Trapped inside bars
Locked in, with no hope to escape
I scream
Yell
Cry
But no one hears me
I stand alone
On my own little path of life
That I have been on for as long as I can remember
With a broken heart
A broken soul
A broken mind
Still I struggle on
So that I can maybe see beyond this world
Of darkness and despair,
So I can see the world beyond,
Of love and life and happiness
So here I stand,
A smile on my face,
Even though I am being torn apart on the inside.
I will continue to smile,
And feel
And love
And I will survive; survive to tomorrow
So I can learn to trust again
And this sweet agony
That has been with me all my life
Will be dispersed
Become nonexistent
Gone
No more.
And I will finally
Be
Alive.
*This is by someone else. I didnt write this one*
Stronger
You know how long I've tried to stay strong.
Too long. Now my heart is heavy.
My shoulders are aching. My back is breaking.
I can't hold on to the world any longer.
As much as I want to…...I can't.
I can't be superwoman anymore.
I have been kicked, stabbed, punched, cursed….
They are trying to get me to give up….and I can't.
Well I don't want to.
But sometimes it’s the only choice.
Unless I can get stronger.
But I don't think I can get any stronger when I want to just give up. People take
advantage of me. Thinking that she will be able to hold it all.
When I can't.
But I don't tell them that. Because I want to appear confident and stronger.
When I'm really not.
All I am is a front.
Inside I am weak, pathetic, sadistic, depressed, piece of crap.
But I tell everyone I can do it.
I can hold the world.
When I really can't.
My hand starts slipping and I know I'm going to drop it.
But I tell everyone I got it and I don't need their help.
And all I do is cry because that’s all i can do because I can't do anything else.
I can't disappoint the others.
I can't disappoint my mom...even though she doesnt care.
I can't disappoint my family...they expect too much.
And I don't tell them that I'm slipping because they’ll just yell at me to pick it back up.
So I don't want to seem weak.
All I do is say I got it and I'm okay.
While really…..
I'm falling apart inside.
I know I'm going to completely break soon.
But I pretend.
Might as well be my name.
Pretend.
Unless I get any stronger anytime soon. I'm going to let the whole world down.
But I keep saying I'm okay.; I keep pushing people away….
Knowing that I need their help.
But I continue to choose to be pretend.
And It breaks me even more inside.
And a new crack in my foundation is surely going to cause me to fall.
But I don't want to fall. Maybe I should ask for help.
But no. I got this.
Right.
No you don't.
But you pretend.
You are being a fake and a phony.
You are weak.
You know you are going to fall soon but that doesnt matter. As long as you appear strong you’ll be okay right?
You choose image over succeeding??
Well. That just shows what kind of person you are.
A fake.
Maybe.....If you learn to be stronger.
Then you wouldnt be.
So get there.
Becoming who I am Not
I am going to tell you a story.
The other day, I was told that I had to wash the dishes. Again.
I hate washing dishes. Like utterly hate washing dishes. I hate cleaning period.
This was the fourth time that day that I was told I needed to clean the dishes because we had company coming over so my grandmother had made a big dinner.
And she turned around and laughed at me because I had told her that she needs to stop cooking so much. She told me that I shouldn’t be really complaining because it's just something we do as kids. It's just a basic chore that most american kids do. She was excited to do them as a kid, she enjoyed helping her mother.
And then she told me that my frustration right now is most likely what my brother felt every night when he had to do the dishes while I was at work.
I didn't respond.
But In my head I begin to think….
Well I am sorry that I am not my brother. I feel sorry that he has to do that….
But he is not me.
I am not him.
My life is so much more different than his that it shouldn't even be compared.
Well than Grandmother. I am sorry.
I am sorry that I am a senior in High school that has to pay senior fees and pay graduating fines.
I am sorry that I am a senior in high school working a full time job, working every day on the weekdays not getting home until 11 at night.
I am sorry that I have to stay up until 2-3 in the morning every night because I did not get to finish my homework at work because I have so much to do. Not just new, but also the old.
I am sorry that I only get about an hour of sleep every night because not only do I have the homework to do, I also have nightmares. Nightmares about my best friends killing himself. Vividly seeing him hanging from his shower rod by his neck. Watching him lifeless. Because society thought he should be different than he was.
Nightmares about my closest friend, who had to lose his life to save other people. And he was just a boy. His mother not even close to gray, had to watch her heroic son, get buried 6 feet under. Nightmares about my own mother leaving her children with a psychopathic father who was paranoid about every little thing and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Because he told her that it was inappropriate to wear a see through shirt. I am not having the nightmares about her leaving me, but that she left four other children in the hands of a psychopath, one of them being not even the age of one yet.
Nightmares about My so called father who not only was crazy, but also raped me just about every night. And Having me so terrified that I had to hold my baby brother as a protection, hoping that he wouldn't come and get me. I never believed in monsters….
But he was definitely one.
And when he wasn't doing that, he left the house, with me being the oldest at the age of 10, and he would go and do drugs. Out with the potheads that lived on the other side of the highway.
I am sorry that I don't trust men anymore because of what my father did to me. Believing that every man would end up harming me just as much. I couldn't stand it that time, i am not going to make myself go through that again.
I am sorry that I am so big, That I am so chubby. That I am stressed out about what I eat and how many steps I take a day now because I have friends and family telling me that I should lose some weight.
I am sorry I have this little voice forming in my head that goes by the name of Ana, that constantly tells me not to eat because that will make me even fatter. That no one likes a fat girl. That if I eat that slice of pizza instead drink that cup of water, that I am a fat piece of crap.
I am sorry that I have developed the fear of eating in public now because I am afraid that people judge me when I eat. Thinking look how fat she is. Look how much she can eat. She is a beast.
I am sorry that I can't keep up in school cause I am constantly working and I am constantly hurting. My back, my knees, my feet are always hurting. I am constantly in pain and tired at work. The I go home and want to go to sleep, but wait I can't, I have homework for Spanish to do. I have notecards and an outline due for My research class due.
I am sorry that I am in two English classes and that I have the pressure of writing not only one but two 10 page essays that are due within the next couple weeks and I haven't even started yet. Cause I am always tired.
I am sorry that I am in so many musical things cause music is my escape from everything. I am sorry that I not only have a choir class, I also have the church choir, and the kids choir upstairs that I take your place in because I know how much You love to sing downstairs. That I also have my own singing ministry that I have been wanting to do for a very long time because I love to sing but I can't always do cause..I am upstairs with the kids. Helping you.
I am sorry that I am stressed out because not only is graduation coming up, but so is prom, the masquerade, college. And I want to work for these things because I don't want you to pay for these things. You know why, cause I know how stressed out you are about finances. And I don't want you to pay for school stuff because I am definitely worth the four years paying for. I haven't worked for that.
I am sorry that I decided to form an acapella group that I felt could be good and used as a distraction for me because I needed one, but yet our performances are really close and yet we don't even have the first song memorized.
I am sorry that I can not be as happy and as joyful as everyone else in the house becasue I never can find a reason to smile anymore. When I all i do is think. I overthink. I live in my head. And my head…..is a dark place.
I am sorry that I am depressed and I have social anxiety. I am sorry that I am deemed cra yto you when I say this stuff. I am sorry that I have these thoughts about just ending it all right then and there without saying goodbye cause who would care. No one. I am sorry that I just want to sleep and lay around while I am at home but you don't understand that I am Completely and utterly exhausted. No not tired. Exhausted. I wish I was in a coma sometimes, that point of life where you aren't living but then again you aren't dead. I am sorry that I have this eating disorder. I am sorry that I starve myself and then I just binge. I am sorry that I want to be skinnier and that's all that goes through my head on a daily. Starve. Just Starve. You will be beautiful. I am sorry I can not make you as proud as my brother has always made you.
I am sorry that I am who I am.
I am sorry I cannot be who you want me to be.
I know you always say be yourself, but it seems as if being myself isn't cutting it. Society wants me to be different just like they wanted Lucas to be different.
I don't know what gray is. I never knew what gray was.
I either go days without eating or I eat everything in sight.
I either sleep for days, or can't sleep at all.
All you people want me to do is fake like I am okay when I am not. You want me to put on this masl and be fake, but then you turn around and tell me you hate fake people.
You want me to pretend that I am not hurting inside but then again you turn around and tell me to let it all out.
What do you want from me?!
I cannot keep going back and forth, it's killing me inside.
Can you not see? Are you that Naive?
You can't just tell a person with anorexia to just eat. You can not just tell a depressed person to just smile.
That's like telling a paralyzed person to just get up and walk. Or tellin me to cut myself and then stop bleeding.
I am not myself anymore.
I just want some peace.
People always say be yourself….
But more like be yourself with a couple altercations.
And guess what I am doing….I am doing just they say……I am becoming the monster in my own body.
I don't even know myself anymore…
I am becoming who I am not.
Open When You Miss Me
I miss you too. I probably miss you more than I realized I will. But what I also realized is that distance gives me a reason to love harder, you know? Your absence is going to affect me, my whole being.. I am used to having your obnoxious noisy, immature self around me for the past 6-7 years? Is it or 7? Whatever it is, I am used to you so not having you around is really going to throw me off. Just a little bit. When I first met you I didn't think you would this important to me. Like when I realized it i was like whoa…..this guy.
But I told myself that it's not going to be hard but then again it's not going to be easy. Waiting is hard, I mean I hate waiting. Like hate it. But if it means finding myself, being free for a second, then I will be willing to do it. I get to come back to you and the ones I love when i am done. I will wait forever. As long as it takes. Someone once told me that distance is hard but it's also not impossible either.
I think for me that the first couple of days or weeks are going to be the hardest because i just said see you later to everyone and i am going off on my own for a while. I don't know about you. But they will definitely be hard for me. No one will ever know how much i cried that day. That day when I had to say see you later cause I don't like saying good bye. Goodbye means forever. And Goodbye means forgetting. And that's the last thing i want you to do. Is to forget me. So i don't like saying goodbye. I would rather say until we meet again or i'll see you later. Cause that's more like it. I am not going to be gone forever. So, try not to miss me too much.
But if you do miss me, just know I miss you too. A lot. Probably the person I will miss the most. Don't tell no one that cause then they are going to be like “oh my god i thought she missed me” blah blah blah. I’m just kidding. Tell the world. I will miss them too but…...yeah. :)
But I do miss you, not in some cheesy lets hold hands and skip around the park kind of way. I just miss you. Plain and simple. I miss your presence in my life. I can go days without talking to you, even months without seeing you but to be honest with you, not a second goes by where i'm not thinking about you. You realize how much you truly miss a person when something happens, either good or bad, and the only person you want to tell is the one person….who isn't. You know you miss someone when you crave to hear their voice. I don't know how long it's been since i heard it but I wish i could hear it. I know that's weird but…..you will understand later.
I miss you too.
I can't really say anything else…..
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.09.2016
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