Chapter 1: Daddy.

"I'm sorry but you can't see him anymore". when I heard those words it felt my world was crashing apart around me. "what do you mean?" I said. "he's not a good influence on you with his useing and stuff. Its just not healthy for you to be around." I started to cry, what do they know about my dad. I love him and i think it's perfectly healthy for me to be around my dad, hes my dad for christ sake. "what do you know" I mummbled, "you work for DCF as far as iv seen and expirenced you tare familys apart." Sherry my DCF workers huffes "sorry Ashley whats said is done". " do I at least get to say goodbye?" She waits a minute before answering "yes".

On the ride to my dads i think about how he's going to react to all this, I can't see my dad fall apart he's losing his baby girl, and I'm losing my daddy. When we get there I sit in the car for a moment thinking. Sherry brings me out of my thoughts by asking if I'm ready. I reply with "of course" In a sarcastic voice. I get out of the car walking uo to my house and up 2 flights of stairs. I walk in threw the door and go streight to my room and start packing. My dad walks in and ask what I'm doing I ignore him, Tears start to form in my eyes I concentarte on looking down. my dad walks over to me and rubs my back "whats wrong" he coos. I must of takedn to long cause sherry knocks on the front door my dada goes and answers it. "has she told you yet mike?" "told me what?" Thats when I break "THEY WONT LET ME LIVE WITH YOU ANYMORE! I scream. I fall to the floor curl up and cry. I can hear my dad yelling at sherry telling her I'm his daughter and He will keep me is he pleases but deep down he knows he has to give me up. So he runs to me side and trys to sooth me by telling me Everythings going to be okay and that I will live with him again by my 15th birthday no matter what.

I sit up and make him promise. Were in my room packing together both of us crying. when Its time to go I give my dad a hug and wont let go my DCF worker has to pry me from him. "I love you daddy, so much I say" He kisses me on my forhead and ,lets me know He loves me to. I walk down the stairs with my duffle bag in hand wondering where I'm heading now. Sherry and I get in the car I'm to pissed to ask her where I'm going to I sit back and wait. I drive feels like forever but we finally arive at a little house in cevendish vermont. Sherry walks me threw the front door a women walks up to me and say's "welcome to 20 mile." What Type of name is that I think.  This women leads me threw a room with girls sitting down watching the news. then threw a kitchen to this back room. I sit down in a chair while her and my social worker are talking. After there done my social worker says bye to me. I'm still to pissed at her to say bye. after sherry leave the women looks at me and says "okay trouble maker lets make the rules streight."

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2: 20-Mile

After she's done with all the rules she ask if I understand I shake my head yes. I'm still not over the fact she called me a trouble maker. I not here because I got in trouble, Im here because my DCF worker woudnt let me live at my dads house. Its all her fault why I'm here. "take off your braclets and your necklas" the lady tells me. I look at her like she's crazy and say what. "you heard me, Take them off you can't have them here." I don't feel like argueing so I take them off slowly one by one. ecspecially my necklas, My mom gave me the necklas I had on. I never take it off. Once the lady gets my belongings She puts them in a plastic bag and throws them on the table top. She leads me threw the room with girls and into a room with two bunkbeds. "this is going to be your room, You only come in here when told to. Is that understood?" I shake my head in agreement. She tells me to put my stuff on a dresser so i do as told. "your going out with the other girls now, dont try to pull anything" She leads me out to the room with the girls. they are now doing something called "Rec Time". What does she mean by Don't try to pull anything?

I slowly sit down on the couch. The girls are staring at me and it makes me very unconfterbal. I avoid there stares by examining the room. Theres a hall way that leads out side. on the first wall theres a tv thats off. on the wall across from me theres a window and a couch. Then theres a doorway that leads to the kitchen. on the wall I'm on theres a couch and a doorway to another room. "excuse me." I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn't even notice the skinny, dark brown hair, brown eyed girl that sat next to me. "yes." I say. " I was wondering if you read at all." "yes I do, Infact I love reading." "cool let me grab my books." Thats when she asked a staff that was sitting on the other couch if she could go grab her books. That staff seems pretty nice. She's got black hair, with the bluest eyes, tall and thin. When the girl comes back with an arm full of books I then relize I dont know her name. "whats your name anyways?" I ask. She looks at me with the sadest eyes and answers "Rachel, My name is Rachel."

I wonder why she looks at me like that but then I relize I took of my sweat shirt because I waa getting hot. Now she's seen them, great I think. "your emo" Rachel ask me. I don't answer her I just stare streight ahead. " I'm sorry i didn't mean to afend you, I was just curiouse. I mean I just never actully seen it before..." She slowly drifts off her sentence. I look at her and tell her it's okay. I undestand where she's comeing from. I put my sweat shirt back on before anyone else sees my cut, and scarred up arms. I feel dumb for not thinking and letting her see. how am I going to do it here I think. I can't go a day without cutting. its my way of letting myself free from all the pain I feel. as sson as that thought runs threw my head I see a pair of scissors laying on the floor that one of the girls were useing and now is paying no attention to.I look Rachels drowned into one of her books, I look across the room and the staff is to busy texting on her cell phone. I slide down the couch a little, put my foot over the scissors, slide them over to me bend down pick them up and slide them into my sleeve.

That Night I set myself free. I took the scissors pushed down on my wrist and slowly slide it across. Feeling the sting of the cuts opening up, the blood seeping threw made my whole day. I love the way the pain feels this pain takes away the pain that I can't handel. The emotinal pain the bares down on me. I keep cutting till there's no more room on eather of my arms. I feel so releaved. Now I just lay in my bed thinking about how things are going to go here. I think about that girl Rachel that looked at me with such sadness in here eyes, And most of all I think about my dad and what he's going to do with out me. I sit here arms bleeding wrapped up in gauze I brought from home. FOr the rest of night I just think.

Chapter 3: setting myself free.

So the next few day consist of waking up eating breakfast going to "school" which is held in the house. Eating luch, Free time Which consist of talking to Rachel. then a date whith my scissors. On my 4th day Rachel finally ask me about my cutting. I tell her it's a coping skill and that its hard to stop. I'm about to tell her more because I feel like I can trust her untill we get interuppted that its time for bed. I go into my room change into my PJ's sit on my bed till the other girls are asleep and the staff is out in the living room reading. thats when I grab the scissors I hid under my matress and start to cut. The door opens quickly then closes I don't dare to look at the person who just caught me. My minds telling me its the staff my guts are telling me it's not. I wait a few seconeds then look up. It's Rachel standing there In the dim light she looks like a frozen wax figure. "umm.. I'm so sorry.. I didn't mean to umm yeah. Just the staff fell asleep and I wanted to hear more of your story. I didn't know..." There she goes again drifting off her sentece and looking at me with sad eyes. I don't say anything while I wrap my arms back up and hid the scissors back under the matress. "don't tell anyonje" For some reason I trust her, I trust her not to say anything. "  I won't " She replies back. I then ask her to leave cause I feel to embarssed and pissed off that she caught me in the act. she leaves without saying one more word I think she gets it.

The next morning when I get woken up I can tell it's early. "Why am I getting woken up early?" I ask. "Ashley lets go out into the kitchen and talk." one of the nicer staff says. So I get up and drag my ass out to the kitchen. I sit down at the table theres 2 other people, vennesa and joy they run the 20 mile program. "Ashley we have some concerns" vennesa says. At first it dosnt click but when they say someone brought something to there attention I know exactly what this is about. "And what is that?" I ask playing dumb. "I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about Ashley." "No I don't." "We can't keep you here if your doing that stuff, Now go get me the scissors and promise you wont do it anymore" Vennesa tells me. I sit there for a moment thinking on what to do. Finally I get up walk to Rachels room and start screaming at her "how could you do this to me you little bitch! I trusted you and you betrayed me!" Staff come running in telling me to stop and that I would wake up the other girls At that point I don't care about anything. "I was only trying to keep you safe" Rachel praticaly wispers. "No you wernt, doing that keeps me safe. I trusted you" I yell again. I push past the staff run into my room grab the scissors run to the bath room close the door and start cutting. I'm setting myself free, free from all this pain. I trusted her I can't believe she did this. I'm crying hard now, and I can't stop.

 

Chapter 4: The Retreat.

I don't know how long I'm in the bathroom for but the knocking and convincing of trying to get me out stopped a while ago. I sit there the bleeding has stopped. Theres a knock at the door and a soft female voice saying its the brattlbro police. The police! They really called the cops on me. "Ashley if you don't let us in were going to have to break down the door" To save myself anymore drama I get up and open the door. What she must see is a crazy girl who cut herslef open. What i see is a girl who set herself free."Ashley were going tp have to take you." panic rises "Take me where?" "to brattlbro retreat."

It feels like the ride take forever but I'm finally here at this place they brattlbro retreat. The cop leads me into the admission room a lady comes up to me and tells me to take a seat next to this big machine. I walk over and sit down the lady and the cop stay behind and talk. there probably talking about how gross I am with all this dried up blood on me, well its not my fault they wouldnt let me change before I left. as I'm thinking that the lady walks up to me and ask me if i want to change, I shake my head yes. The lady lets me pick out a pair of my clothsbut when I go into the bathroom to change she follow me in. "what are you doing?" I ask "well you see when people first get here they have to have a nurse or staff go into the bathroom with them untill they get trusted or get on a certain level." If I wasnt covered in dried blood I would bring an agrument forward but sence I feel tired and worn out I change my cloths facing away from  her.

she has me sighn a bunch of diffrent papers I swear it takes like an hour and a half to get through admission.When were done she leads me to an elevator we get in and she pushes the button 3. on the way up she explains the floor I'm going to be on is T-3 the teen unit. Did I metion this is a crazy hospital? I can;t believe I'm here. Am I really crazy? Of course I am I cut my own skin. I think about killing myself, yes I'm crazy. Finally the elevator doors open and I'm lead into a smalll room with a door that has a window. I'm told to take off my sneakers cause there's no strings aloud on the floor unless were going down to eat or outside. behind the door is women with blond hair and green eyes. I relize the door is locked and she is there to unlock it.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 02.04.2013

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
I dedicate this story to my dad who has helped me threw everything. My little brother who loves me, and my mom who took me in.