Disclaimer

This book is me voicing my opinions and others through the voices of characters I made up. Everyone is intitled to their own opinions, no matter what. I list some struggles of people suffering mental illnesses or those who can not decide. I do not suffer from any of these conditions but I know others do. I hope everyone in the world can just be happy but I know that is not the case.

 

If you message me with another subject you would like me to add I will do so promptly.

Not knowing

I don't know why everyone assumes

 

"You're a boy or a girl."

 

But they've got it wrong.

I can be in between 

I can be south or north

I don't have to be

It's not about my worth

It is about who I am

I'm not just a minion

Not one of you fools

I am Sam

I can be Female or Male

They can drool

Weather girl or boy

I'm not just a toy

So they shouldn't think that way

Because someday I might just slay

 

Somedays when I wake up I feel more masculine. Somedays when I wake up I feel more female. Somedays I don't feel anything. I feel like a beast lost in it's cave. Society shouldn't treat us that way, we shouldn't be limited. On forms that we say it says

 

Check the box

• Female
• Male
• Other

 

I shouldn't be "other" just because I'm a square peg not fitting a circle hole. There are others out there that don't think me worth living. Just because I am some little demon. I don't think I am but I really don't care because sometimes people should just deal.

Why

 Why I can't a love another woman

 

God didn't make us that way, it's just unnatural

 

My name is Alex

I am a woman

Why can't I love a lesbian

A transgender

A genderfluid

A genderneutral

Why

 

I think those of the world should love who they want. We only get one life so why not live it loving who we want. Why can't I, a woman, love another woman? Why do I have to be with a man? Just because society deemed us that way? My neighbours were gay they wan't to be married. They were engaged for years but never could wed. All because of a law against love. I think it is unatural to keep us away from who we want.

It's not my choice

I didn't chose to not love myself

It's not my fault

It's not God's

I'm not angry at the world

I'm not angry at myself

I just don't love me

Perhaps it might be because of her

 

"You will never be anything so don't go thinking that you are"

 

Others try to help

They pity me

The say they love me

But do they really?

I think it is just guilt they feel

 

I realize I don't let anyone in.
     I realize I should.
     I realize I should get up and do something.
     Something good.

 

 

People always scurry by me and look back, murming quietly.

 

"I feel bad for that poor girl. She's so young and already hurting hurself."

 

I'm not a nuthead, I don't cut myself because I like the pain, I don't do it to escape. I do it because this world is not meant for me. 

...

Hair up
     Mask on
     Eyes devoid
     Mouth straight
     I am impenetrable
     Invicible
     Because I am broken

 

I will not let anyone see. I will not let anyone in. Because of the harm he caused me.

A million pieces shattered about. Only one has my feelings. He sorts through looking into each and every speck. But he gives up just one before the end. It is his fault I am this way. My parents are concered but I don't care, am I supposed to?  They all say

 

"Sally, let us help you"

"Sally, just let us in"

"It wasn't your fault Sally"

"There was nothing you could have done"

 

They bring me food and money. They say they are sorry but are they really? I had done as I was told, I kept my legs closed, dressed modestly, I didn't call attention to myself. But he did.

 

He hurt Jane, Mary Jane, and Lou, he hurt all those others too.

But it doesn't matter because he is rich.

We are poor.

He was sentenced out the door.

But his parents paid and he got laid.

And we all ran away.

What killer

What will you say

Weather I'm right or I'm wrong

What you will you say as you stand beside me

What will you say to prove your loyalty

What will you do to prove your innocence

What will you do to others around you

To influence and capture

To brainwash 

Will you shatter the glass door

The one I always walk by

The one that has a crack

Will you shatter my curiosity

To what is life without life

Will you really take matters into your own hands

Will you fill out your threat

Yes I know you promised

But you never have broken a door before

I guess I knew it would happen

I just never thought to me

I never thought my son would be the one

To shatter my glass door

Don't you know what is behind it

Don't you hear their screams from below

Can't you hear the angelic voices singing up above

The wind is howling, blowing side to side

But the second that door opens

I won't have a choice

Shattered doors are hard to tape together

I don't know how you will

I just hope you won't get in trouble

For this is a great big sin

Killing a stranger is one thing

Killing a child another

But killing your mother

Better not lead to killing your father

You should not involve your sister

You don't need her to know

She should think the wind broke me

Not at all someone ringing the bell

Afterwards I suppose there shall be some sadness

I want you to never tell her

She was my angel

You my demon

All wrapped up in a pretty bow

Now watch me end up in a 20/20

50 years from now

There will be some great big reporter

Investigatiing the wind flow

Goodbye my little demon

I'm sad about my door

I guess it was time

For you to knock it down

 

Done

I'm done

With this life

With feeling this way

With trying but failing

Winning but losing

Worthy but a coward

My life

To you

 This book is to everyone who reads it. It is from the world, tales stitched together. We all influence each other, positive or negative. Why can't we all just do as we do and leave the others to coo? Becuase this book is for you.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.11.2016

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Widmung:
To those in my life, pulling me away from the door. Never let it be broken.