As per the classified US reports, “Make in India” has created quite a buzz amongst the US males of Indian origin; the lifetime visas have further boosted the propensity of the males to “Make in India”; however, the same has not caught up well with the US females of Indian origin in spite of the same privileges having been offered to them as well. One of the reasons attributed to this gender bias is the presence of too many bachelors in the RSS, who, in the current paradigm, are expected to appropriate the right to collaborate with the US females in “Make in India”. “Make in India” may fail because of the RSS.

Chapter 1.2: Hurry Up! Entries Invited for Obama Latrine Clean Up

In a diplomatic coup, Modi has convinced Obama to clean up Indian latrines as part of his “Clean India Campaign”. Entries are invited from ordinary Indian citizens to send their stool sample for mandatory testing at the PMO. Lucky winners will get a chance to shake Obama’s latrine-clean hands in their own latrines. Hurry up! Only limited entries will be entertained! Twenty five percent reservations for the families of the US based NRIs/PIOs. Tentative date for the event has been fixed on 26.01.2015.

Note: Credibility of the above information is subject to the credulity of the readers.

Chapter 1.3: SC on Activism Spree

SC replaces Srini with Gavaskar, NaMo with Swaraj, SRK with Sallu, Baba with Bips, AK49 with CBI, Butter Chicken with Green Salad, MMS with…oops, that’s my right!

Chapter 1.4: CEC Crisis

All Election Commissioners put in their papers in protest against the SMS poll of the Aam Aadmi Party. The Aam Aadmi Party nominates Prashant Bhushan, Manish Sisodia and Yogendra Yadav as the new CEC team. Parliament proposes to debate whether it’s constitutional. The Aam Aadmi Party snubs the proposal terming it anti-people. The Team Anna terms CEC’s move as a conspiracy to sabotage Lokpal Bill.

Chapter 1.5: Result of Opinion Poll for Indian Army: Just Ignore BJP

Ms. Sushma Swaraj, BJP: Get ten Pakistani soldiers’ heads for one Indian soldier’s head.
Mr. Yashwant Sinha, BJP: Indian Army can retaliate without crossing the LOC.
Ramification: Get ten Pakistani soldiers’ heads without crossing the LOC.

I propose the following opinion poll to help Indian Army.

1. Seek divine powers from Shri Ram of Ramayana.

2. Learn black magic from Baba Bengali.

3. Just ignore BJP.

Opinion poll result: Just Ignore BJP.

Chapter 1.6: Being Gender Sensitive

I feel ashamed of myself today. It’s abhorrent that I am out rightly callous to the sensitivities of the fairer gender. For how long I have been living in this make believe world of mine thinking they like me the way I am: dirty and wild, almost beastly. I make the New Year resolution today that I will shave every day in the New Year – shaved just yesterday, no mood to shave tomorrow. Kudos to Gillette’s Shave or Crave movement for making me gender sensitive. I really enjoy this new status of Being Gender Sensitive.

Chapter 1.7: Let's Make This World a Better Place

I am fed up of this inequality; therefore, I have decided to take a plunge in the democratic process. I intend to stand for the next general election as an independent candidate. However, I don’t have the funds to manage my election expenses. Therefore, I plan to launch a public issue of my prospective candidature. I intend to become an MP by 2014 and a minister by 2020. The pubic issue of my candidature comprises 10,000,000 shares of Rs. 10 face value each – Rs. 100 MN is the minimum start up capital I need. Once I become minister in 2020, I intend to do a big scam of the scale of Rs. 1,000 MN, of which I shall garner at least 50% of the amount, i.e. Rs. 500 MN, which will then be the new value of my capital. Thus, the share of Rs. 10 face value today should carry a market value of at least Rs. 50 in 2022, which would give a return of 500% in ten years. There can be no better opportunity to earn big money. Come invest in your future; let’s together make this world a better place by distributing the fruits of democratic process to all.

Chapter 1.8: A Golden RTI Opportunity to Earn US Dollars

To,

The PIO,

Ministry of Home Affairs,

India

Subject: Request for information under the RTI Act

Sir,

Please provide the following information under the RTI Act:

- Residential address of Hafeez Saeed.

The above information is solicited for obtaining US Dollars 10 MN from the USA. The Rs. 10 RTI fees may be demanded from the US Government adjustable against the bounty to be received by me.

Sincerely,

Note: 10 year old kids are especially encouraged to file the above RTI application.

Chapter 1.9: Breaking News

Breaking News: Majnu Bengali of Lal Kothi, accused of theft, moves the Trial Court to make the Finance Minister a co-accused for following anti-poor economic policies.

Breaking News: Pappu Firangi of Bihari Jhuggi, accused of criminal trespass, moves the Trial Court to make the Urban Affiars Minister and the Lt. Governor of Delhi co-accused for not building enough houses for the poor.

Breaking News: Roomi Gloomy of Kailash Manjil, accused of obscene display on public street, moves the Trial Court to make the Minister for Women Empowerment a co-accused for not empowering the women enough to not to take up prostitution.

No more Breaking News: Samy Supari of Saffron Towers, for no good reason, moves the Supreme Court to make the Home Minister a co-accused in the 2G Case for choosing “First Come First Serve” over “Auction”.

Note: For those who are extremely naive, all the news mentioned above is FAKE.

Chapter 1.10: India Is Now Less Corrupt than Singapore

The 40-year-old clerk dumped his 27-year-old wife merely two months later because she refused to wear a skirt and have sex with him but the wife returned to his side in May, agreeing to do all he wanted.

“I promised to give her S$100 (RM247) on the first night, and S$300 (RM740) every month after that,” he said.

Sadly, she still failed to meet his “skirt sex” demand and was again chased out of the house two weeks later.

Singapore is the most corrupt country of the world. Girls marry with the promise of wearing skirts during sex, and then breach their promises! Thanks goodness, every man in India has now become Anna (Main bhi Anna Tu bhi Anna, Ab to Sara Desh hai Anna!). We can never have this kind of corruption in India.

Chapter 1.11: Don't Rape Girls; Either Pay Them or Marry Them

Hearing a plea seeking a pre-arrest bail to a man, who had sex with a woman and later refused to marry her, the Delhi High Court established that getting a girl into bed on the promise of marriage and later refusing to tie the knot amounted to rape.
“If a girl surrenders herself to a boy who comes in contact with her for the first time only in connection with a proposal for her marriage and then enters into a formal ceremony of engagement…she does it not because she loves him or wants to have pleasure with him, but because she

Impressum

Texte: Ankur Mutreja
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.01.2016

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