Key:
Korean
Hyung – Referring to an older male
Dongsaeng – Referring to a younger.
Saranghaeyo – I love you too
Chinese
Wo ai ni – I love you

After the laughter passes by and what remains are shadows of the Truth you try to hide.

Siwon knew there was something troubling Hankyung when he saw him staring out the window with a blank gaze; he watched the rain trickle down the window as it hit the top of the window frame. Siwon knew he should confront him and demand Hankyung to tell him what’s wrong but he didn’t. He just left Hankyung sitting by the window, he just left him crying silent tears that Siwon didn’t even notice, even when the light shone on each indivual tear trailing down Hankyungs cheeks. He just walked away like nothing was wrong yet knowing something was defiantly wrong with this picture; the smallest of smudges or the biggest of cracks, there was something very wrong with Hankyung.
It was only later that day Siwon found out what was wrong, Hankyung seemed to have been avoiding Siwon and he didn’t like it. It was only later that day he was standing in front of a pale faced, crying and fragile Hankyung who really wanted to say something but couldn’t quite gather his words together, he was never like that; Hankyung always smiling and filled with laughter but it seems his happiness was led astray. They stood in silence for a second before Siwon reached his arms out to take Hankyung in his warm embrace to calm the elder from crying. Hankyung couldn’t help but accept his Dongsaeng’s kindness and hug him back. Siwon placed his hands on Hankyungs shoulder’s and confronted him then and there.
“Hankyung, what’s wrong? You look terribly sick and your shaking, you can tell me anything you know that right? Im always here for you” Siwon said directly to Hankyung while looking at his bloodshot, light brown eyes.
“Come here” Siwon whispered before hugging him again, he knew soon enough his delicate and fragile *Hyung would start crying again.
Hankyung held onto Siwon as if not wanting to let go, he dug his finger nails painfully into Siwon’s back, creasing the material. Hankyung sobbed into the crook in Siwon’s neck as Siwon ran his long slender fingers through Hankyungs hair while lightly tousling it. A slight cold air blew past and he felt Hankyung tremble a bit. He could tell he was scared about something.Even though Siwon knew Hankyung wasn’t going to break, he was afraid to drop him; leaving him shattered like a glass hitting the cold wooden floor.
“I have to go…” Hankyung whispered into Siwon’ ear before the younger pushed Hankyung away slightly.
“Where?” Siwon asked.
“Back to China. The treatment I need for my illness i…is limited in South Korea so I have to leave, I...I have to terminate my contract with SM entertainment and go back h...h...Home” Hankyung still slightly sobbing from the earlier incident.
“When will you be back?” Siwon asked curiously while looking down at the floor.
Hankyung fell silent for a long minuet.
“Hankyung, please say something…please” Siwon pleaded.
“I will never be coming back” At that moment Hankyung clung onto Siwon once again before leaving the room; He left Siwon standing there in his chain of thoughts, in his sorrowful gaze.

And for our sins left, never reconciled.


Siwon didn’t understand why Hankyung kept it in this long; it ate Hankyung alive until it forced him to cry his heart out. Siwon knew why he wanted to keep it a secret; he didn’t want to hurt anyone Hankyung was to kind and gentle to do that to anyone. Siwon sat on the wooden floor in the living room just thinking, his mind raced with images of him and Hankyung on stage, in the apartment with the rest of their friends and lying on the floor at night talking about their long day. Not anymore, there were no more performances, no one else in the apartment and no late night conversations.Just bitter silence. Hankyung was never around anymore, every day Siwon would wake up to the empty bed across from his or a note in the kitchen saying ‘Gone out, be back later. Hankyung’ No reason why he went and no stating where he went, that’s as simple as it was. Siwon knew one day they would have to part ways but just not this soon, it tore him apart to know he was forever going to be away from his Hyung.

The simple truth is hearts were made just to feel, no matter how we try.

Siwon and Hankyung sat in the back of the taxi both staring out the window, fingers interlocked with each other’s. Hankyung clearly didn’t want to leave; he turned to face Siwon while tightening his grip. Siwon slowly turned to look at a sad Hankyung looking back at him.
“Siwon, will y…you forget me when im g…gone?” Hankyung stuttered.
“How could you ask such a thing!? Of course I won’t forget you Hyung, you are one of the most important people in my life. Im never going to lose you, even if you don’t come back. You’re my…my…best friend” Siwon felt as if he wanted to say something different but urged himself to say that instead.
“Really? Thank You Siwon-shi, I…I…wish I never had to leave” Hankyung also wanted to say something but knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.
Hankyung was unsure of his feelings for the younger male; I mean he couldn’t possibly feel like more than a best friend towards him, he would have to be insane to feel that way but he knew there was definitely something there. He just wasn’t sure. Siwon on the other hand was pretty sure of his feelings towards Hankyung; he liked Hankyung a lot, a lot more than he thought.Siwon always treasured Hankyung as if he was a diamond or a rare item of some sort.
Siwon turned back to look at Hankyung watching the streets pass by for the last time, this time Siwon noticed the tears that ran down Hankyung’s face. Siwon untangled their fingers and pulled Hankyungs head onto his shoulder allowing the elder to rest before interlocking their fingers together again. Hankyung’s eyes began to slowly close shut but soon fluttered open like blinds again when they came to a stop. Siwon dragged Hankyung out of the taxi placing his arm over Hankyungs shoulder to show his support. They pulled out Hankyungs bags from the taxi and slowly dragged them through the airport, trying to spend as much of their last minuets together as possible. Siwon never let go of Hankyungs hand, not even once during their walk.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you understand.

They reached the boarding gate and Siwon’s heart began to race just knowing that as soon as Hankyung walks through that gate he will be gone. Gone forever. Hankyung just stopped and stared at the gate number with a completely devastating and saddened look and Siwon just sighed knowing the worst was about to come.
“So I guess…this is it then” Hankyung slowly sobbed.
“Yeh, I guess so” Siwon sobbed back.
“Isn’t there any way you can stay here?”
“No, I can’t. Im sorry…” Hankyung’s hand loosened from Siwon’s falling to his side as if he desperately didn’t want to let go. Hankyungs eyes were soon filled with tears once again and Siwon just gave a dead look towards his Hyung. Hankyung instantly wrapped his arms around Siwon’s waist as the younger pulled Hankyung’s head into his chest. Hankyung could hear the fast paced beat of Siwon’s heart pounding in his chest that was flowing through Hankyung’s ears, at that moment he just wanted to scream. Why was the painful feeling spreading throughout his body? Even with his Siwon’s warmth collecting on the outside of his body, he still felt cold and lonely in heart. Siwon let go of Hankyung for the last time and watched him slowly step through that gate, Hankyung turned to face Siwon for the last time and gave a diminutive wave in Siwon’s direction.
“Goodbye…Siwon” Hankyung slowly turned his head to look away from Siwon but knew he would soon be looking back again. Hankyung walked further on down the gate hallway, pacing himself, taking each step remembering them as his heels touched the ground and then he came to a stop. He turned his head again, Siwon was gone and Siwon had not followed him or waited until Hankyung was out of sight like he had expected the younger to do, but instead…He was gone.
“Goodbye…Hankyung” It was Siwon’s turn to walk away from it all this time.
Without turning back.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

Siwon knew it was a stupid idea to let Hankyung slip away from him that easily without even putting up a fight or some sort of petty argument. He wanted him to stay but he wanted him to leave so he could get better. Siwon also knew even if he did get better he still isn’t coming back. Would Siwon really have made him stay if it was possible? Would Siwon really want to put him through all that pain?
No. He wasn’t like that.
That night Siwon lay on Hankyung’s old bed and let his tears fall into the pillow, breathing in Hankyung’s scent that remained on the sheets. Siwon never cried. He didn’t want to cry, but what good does covering up a tragedy do?
He cried for Hankyungs absence. The lonely presence in the room. The torn up feeling inside his heart that made it feel as if it wanted to pull itself out of Siwon’s chest, hit the floor and just shatter. Fragmented into a million pieces, unable to be fixed.
He had fallen, fallen for his best friend and yet was unable to pick himself up again.

It’s all it will ever be.

They were never going to be together, even if Hankyung walked through that door right that second…It was clear to Siwon it could never happen between them. Siwon had been thinking sometimes if they could meet again. There were times when he woke up with this strange hope, fooling himself with false illusion that Hankyung was there.
But it was just an empty room. No extra clothes in the wardrobe. No Chinese cook books on the bedside table. No one else’s sound of light breathing when asleep at night and no Hankyung. They could never be together even with the slightest bit of hope and longing for the elder Chinese boy, it was simply impossible.

And so we face the silence of another memory and draw the shades down upon a scene we once believed.

The next day Siwon sat at the kitchen table flicking through the pictures of him and Hankyung in the photo book, selecting his favourites one by one till all the pictures were removed from the book. He loved every photo with Hankyung in it. Siwon found himself gazing at a full portrait photo of Hankyung for longer than he usually would, taking in his every feature. The beautiful eyes, the sharp nose, the perfectly shaped lips. The flawless skin and his slim face. His neck, right down to his lean, light tanned and long-legged physique. His muscled, but not overly so body from all those years of dancing. Siwon remembered the way Hankyung used to always lay out Siwon’s clothes for the morning and cook him breakfast, then later exchanging stories about their day while watching a movie sprawled out across the soft fabric couch. Siwon remembered when Hankyung would always meet him at the bus stop after work to walk him back home and waking up at seven in the morning just to walk him to the bus stop. Hankyung always worried about Siwon and his health. The elder always told him to exercise and eat well; he told him almost every day. Now Siwon can see why he did it. It was part of Hankyung’s caring nature that made Siwon adore him so much. At that moment Siwon was considering hopping on the next flight out of here to China to meet with Hankyung.

So before you walk away and i just walk on out just know.

Siwon watched Hankyung walk through that gate and knew it was most definitely the right thing to do but why did he regret it so much? The younger’s feet had drawn him away from the gate instead of towards it and knowing that Hankyung was going to look back any second. To look back and see an empty space standing before him, where Siwon once stood. As soon as Hankyung was out of sight the *Dongsaeng’s tears began to gather in his eyes and his face began to flush light red. Siwon placed his hand on his heart and felt the beats move rapidly. He wanted to walk back so bad but thought that once he did he wouldn’t be able to draw himself away. Away from his Hyung’s heart-warming encirclement from his thin arms around his toned body. In his mind he knew it was right but in his heart it was telling him the opposite.
Siwon never looked back.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you understand.

“Im sorry, I only just realised it when I said goodbye…” Hankyung whispered to himself. He wanted to spend another day with Siwon. Another day. Another minuet. Another moment. That’s all he wanted, he wanted to lie down next to Siwon late at night, on the moonlit floor and tell him about his day like he always did but he can only just sit and wait for a crushed dream. Hankyung was completely drained of everything; the only thing that ran through his mind was Siwon and how much he needed him, cherished him, wanted to be around him and loved him.
He was blinded by it all.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

“Why didn’t I tell you?” Hankyung asked himself repeatedly in his mind; over and over again trying to find the answer, the answer to the action he regretted not doing.
“I wanted to tell you…if only I knew how I felt at the time” Hankyung mumbled under his low sobs. Hankyung was pleading to himself to see Siwon again. He missed his dimpled smile, warm hugs, beautiful deep brown eyes, soft lullaby’s he sung some nights when Hankyung had trouble sleeping, his radiating glow and most of all how the elder felt when he was around his Dongsaeng. If anyone asked Hankyung what he knew about Siwon, he could tell them everything. If anyone asked Hankyung if he was Siwon’s friend he would say yes. If anyone asked Hankyung if he loved Siwon, well that’s a different story. He could tell you Siwon’s favourite colour is blue; He hates to argue, born on the 10th. His personality is captivating, he has his father’s eyes and if you asked him if he loved him. He’d lie. Siwon stood there then walked away. My gosh if Hankyung could only say “Im holding every breath for you” he would; But he’d never tell anyone Siwon can play guitar, “I think he can see through everything but my heart” and first thought when he woke up is “my gosh he’s beautiful” so he’d put on his best fake smile then just only hope for a miracle that day.
Hankyungs only way to make that miracle come true is too go back to Seoul and see Siwon again.

It’s all it will ever be.

Hankyung wasn’t going to tell himself that Siwon would welcome him with open arms like he did when he came home from work each day, It was different now; there was a lot more emotion and feeling behind it all.He was going to be rejected if he went back he could feel it in the pit of his stomach but yet a small part was thinking otherwise. That little spot in his heart that gave him the most minuscule of hopes that he could be with that flawless young man, somewhere in his mind he still thought it was a bit absurd that he fell for him in the first place; after all Siwon wasn’t exactly what he had been looking for all these years but stumbled upon the idea haphazardly. First of all Siwon was a man, second Hankyung hadn’t had a girlfriend in six years and began to become less interested in women…and reason three…Siwon was there when no one else was, Siwon was there six years ago when Hankyung’s heart was destroyed by the girl he loved and perhaps Hankyung didn’t realize that he had fallen in love with Siwon six years ago but just never took the time to think about it. He was really considering going back to Seoul, despite his health he had to see Siwon again.

I don’t know why, or are we learning all the way or is it all just wasted time?

"If you love me, why don't you let me know?" Siwon sighed, barely audible.
Siwon and Hankyung both feared rejection but then again who doesn’t.Siwon sat in his room leaning against the wall, slightly rocking his head to hit the wall over and over again while his mind trailed off to what would happen if he met with Hankyung.As for Hankyung he paced up and down his living room, contemplating whether or not to go back and stay or just forget everything.
"If you love me, why don't you let me know?" Hankyung sighed, barely audible.

Or someday maybe we will find our way.

Hankyung finally came to a conclusion after a long line of thoughts.
Hankyung is going to meet with Siwon, disregard of his health. Siwon was more important to him that his own life.
Siwon finally came to a conclusion after many silent tears he cried.
Siwon is going to meet with Hankyung, disregard of what Hankyung had said. Hankyung was too important to him to let him slip through his fingers and go through his treatment alone, Siwon wanted to be by his side no matter what happened.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you understand.

Siwon’s phone started ringing on the coffee table; he picked it up and looked at the caller ID. He instantly picked up.
“Siwonnie?” Hankyung asked from the other end of the phone.
“Ge ge......... I thought I would never hear your voice again” Siwon sighed.
“I t-thought you were mad at m-me?” Hankyung stuttered with a sense of wonder in his husky voice. He had been crying.
“Of course not Hankyung-shi, I could never be mad at you” Siwon whimpered.
“Siwon…I would give up everything to see you again” The Chinese boy said in a hushed tone with a hint of sorrow.
“I know”
“That’s why im coming back, I will meet you at Seoul airport tomorrow” Even though Siwon couldn’t see Hankyung, he knew he was smiling.
“I will be there. I promise you, cross my heart. I won’t let you down” Siwon was smiling too.
“Thank you……My Siwonnie” Hankyung hung up the phone.
‘My Siwonnie’ ‘My Siwonnie’ ‘MY….Siwonnie’ stayed plastered in Siwon’s mind, he didn’t forget the elder’s soft and caring words. Siwon could have chosen to forget everything.
Should he forget? He doesn’t want to.
He won’t forget? So he doesn’t.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

Today was the day Siwon see’s Hankyung-shi again. Siwon couldn’t wait to see his wide smile, gleaming eyes and hear his exquisite voice once again. The younger man stood outside the front door to the airport, slowly sighing under his breaths and taking in everything going on around him. Siwon could hear the blood pounding in his ears and the wind blowing swiftly by his sides that sent small shivers of coldness down his body. Siwon took his first step through the front door and continued walking; not looking away from where he was heading, he dodged past the on-coming crowds of people and luggage they were carrying until he arrived at gate number nine.


Told You.

Gate number nine, the gate in which Hankyung would soon be standing at. Siwon scanned the area with anxious squinted eyes and Hankyung wasn’t anywhere to be seen. The Korean man sat down on one of the metal silver benches by the gate and waited. He waited at least an hour before feeling disappointed that his Hankyung didn’t arrive, there was no sight of him. So with that he stood up and began to walk away before hearing a frail voice call his name repeatedly, it was getting louder and louder by the second. Siwon turned around only to be hit by a great force of someone’s body, the man’s arms wrapped around Siwon’s thin waist and the man’s head resting on his chest.
It was Hankyung.
“Siwon-shi…...” Hankyung whispered in a weak voice that could barely be heard in Siwon’s ears. Siwon ran one hand through Hankyung’s soft light brown hair and placed the other around his back holding him securely.
“I didn’t think you were coming” Siwon whimpered with a single tear running down his cheek that fell and landed a place on Hankyungs right cheek bone.
“You’re crying Siwonnie” Hankyung threw a small smile to Siwon and wiped the tears from his loved one’s eyes with his soft hands. Hankyung looked still very ill, pale face, black eyes and slumped over posture. Siwon held Hankyung close. Every time Siwon held him he was always afraid he would drop him but promised himself it wouldn't happen.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you Understand.


"I never want to leave you again, under any circumstances" Hankyung whispered, leaning into Siwon's collar bone.
"I know Ge ge but you have to get better" Siwon stated in a saddened voice.
"But if you want to stay......its your choice...you can go home, get better and be away from me or you can stay here in Korea, with minor treatment, feeling ill...but...you will be with me. Its up to you Hankyung-shi, I trust you will make the right decision." Siwon hushed then moved Hankyung's fringe out of his eyes and stared. He could stare at those bright, glass like eyes for hours but his eyes were red, dark and dull during the moment. Siwon leaned in and kissed Hankyung on the forehead before removing the elder from his arms. At that moment when Siwon’s plump, warm yet lustful lips touched his forehead Hankyung realised how much he longs to reach up and kiss those trembling lips.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry......I'm sorry....I really am" Hankyung wept while fluttering his eyes. "So what are you going to do Hannie-ah?" Siwon asked giving Hankyung the full blown
view of his wide pleading eyes while his expression remained neutral.
“I don’t want to leave you…” Hankyung gave a dull sigh while looking down at the ground.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

“Don’t worry Hannie, I will find a way to make this work. I promise.” Siwon grabbed both of Hankyungs hands and bought them up to his mouth to give them a light peck.
“Siwonnie……” Hankyung hummed.
“Im not going back, I want to spend every moment with you. Please Siwon. I don’t care anymore if it’s just minor treatment, it’s better than none and if it means spending even a few hours with you I will treasure every minuet we have” Hankyung felt as if he had fallen for his love all over again.
Siwon’s nerves began to fire themselves up causing his cheeks to turn a burnt sangria red shade; his eyes began to fill with tears that escaped from the corners of his eyes and his neutral expression had dimmed in just seconds.
“Look, please Hankyung you have to learn to listen t-……” Siwon’s words were cut off, cut off by Hankyungs tender and eager but least expected kiss. Siwon’s eyes closed along with Hankyung’s when the both of them entwined their fingers together. Hankyung was first to pull away and rest his head on Siwon’s shoulder while the younger was still crying. Tears that were unstoppable. Tears that were uncontrollable. Tears that were of happiness and not of distress.
“You could teach me many things. Im just scared to learn a lesson.” Hankyung softly whispered in Siwon’s ear, it sent a cold spine tingling shiver down Siwon’s neck. This felt right; it felt right to want to be with Hankyung. The world is a big and they were small and all around was fast moving then for a moment it felt like they were the only two in the room.

It’s all it will ever be.
Would ever be. I should have told you.

“Siwon-ah……Wo ai ni” Hankyung whispered in his native tongue.


It’s all it would ever be.


“*Saranghaeyo…..Hankyung-shi” Siwon whispered back in his native tongue.
Another Day. Another Minuet. Another Moment. That’s all it took.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 16.12.2010

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