14.11.2013 The league of extraordinary gentlemen and my own personal misery

Dear Diary,

Today is one of these days when I really just ask myself: why? I can´t say all of it was bad though, actually my das had started out very nicely. No school due to whatever madness drove the schoolboard into arranging a parent teacher meeting for a full day. My attempt to sleep in was sabotaged by the task of waking up my little brother, also my ex had the glorious idea of calling me. At 8 o clock in the morning, you understand that is not a time at which I am to be spoken to, I am not alive at times like that. I´m a mad screaming banshee threatening to claw out your eyes at times like that. However when my brother was out of the house I began to realize that I finally had time to catch up on all the episodes of my many favorite series, so I began my marathon with Dracula and ended with the league of extraordinary gentleman. Attention spoilers! My favorite character Dorian Gray turned out to be somewhat the villain of the movie and I was...say I wasn´t pleased with that at all. My favorite character turning into a treachurous coward? Never! I quickly found a way to get my anger about this out by telling my best friend about it in small details. Which let to a debate about fictional characters (we have them a lot). Next on my agenda was playing some sims and losing myself in the joys of feeling allmighty and powerfull over the lifes of little animated humans. If this is how god feelse everyday who am I to blame him for wating to have some fun by ruining the life of one of his minor characters. Me. Just when having a conversation with my best friend and getting my little sim Arya engaged I began to see the bigger picture of something I did the day before. That day I had felt the urge to do this world some good by setting my best friend up with the cute guy from my busy, at that point my only intention was to help her disregardefull of myself. Because you see for weeks now I had been wanting to talk to him or slip him my phone number and now that she seemed to be getting what I wanted it dawned on me. She described to me in every detail just how great he was and how perfect he suited her, which means he would have been ideal for me as well. And here comes in the dangerous thinking, if I had slipped him my number would he have bothered to call? I think he would have thrown the number out without a second glance and went on with his ordinary life. But now once again she has something i wanted before and because of my lack of initiative I would never have a shot at it. The problem there is that even if he did say he thought it was my number (We look a lot alike, my best friend and me and we sat next to each other since she missed her own bus) I would not be able to date him. Because now she was all excited and I would have been forced to say bad things about him and possibky shoot evil glares. And now here we are and I am contemplating the meaning of life, the universe and my own existence once again. I seem to do that a lot lately and I find that every time I do it gets less into the direction of „oh sure it has a point, just wait a little longer. Someone will find you.“ to „oh my god what am I doig with my life? wouldn´t the world just be better off without me?Nobody really cares except for a few friends and my family...“. Whilst writing a diary entry I can hear my own voice in my head narrating it, somehow thinking what a movie version of my life would look like. Somehow I find that since I started watching BBC series like Doctor Who and Torchwood I am becoming very...british. And with that I don´t mean I drink tea and sing god save the queen all day, but that my accet switches from german somewhat american like into a very London like british accent with a hint of welsh on words like screwdriver (yes preferably sonic) and slaughter.

I suppose (one of my very british words) that this is is for today, I will go and drown my existential sorrow in yet another episode of torchwood since I am not ready to watch my last episode of David Tenannt as the doctor. Too much emotional trauma and one day isn´t good for me.

So long and thanks for all the fish,

Heather

15.11.13 Where do I stand here?

Dear Diary,

remember when yesterday I talked about this super amazing guy I thought I was giving away to my friend? Well shit got more complicated than that yesterday. But read for yourself:

friend: i kniw he wants to ask me something…but he hasn´t asked yet

me: off course he´ll ask yiou else. what else wld it be duh? 

Friend: he likes you…

me: what? 

friend: yep he told me

 guys message to my friend: ok . i ve been a bit of a dickhead to you, when i say that i mean i thought you were your friend. as in you have red hair and always reads her kindle on the way home in the bus.( ihave one myself that´s how i noticed it) but turns out that i like louise and that i confised myself into thinking you were her and that i liked you, now in saying that i like you a lot and you´re a lovely girl and it´s great to see that i have found two people who are not only girls but have a common interestand i think we can be best friends and i m sorry for confusing you like this and really leading you on….

and I´m like shit what the fucking hell is going on here? Turns out he really thought he was talking to my friend and simultaneously i was talking to him on facebook, thinking he just wanted to talk about my friend or get to know her friends. Well my friend then told me she would kill me if i didn´t take the chance should he ask. I told her how highly morally debatable that was for me and how under no circumstances I could do that. I ended up having to promise her should he ask me out I would say yes. He did ask later on and I said yes. Somewhat the next day she still seemed very pissed off about it and i knew i was the reason for her misery. Amazing shit isn´t it?

Well here I am now and I will tell you of what transpired when I sat down in the bus just one station before he gets in. My stomach is a void of guilt an excitement, I am unsure wether I look forward or dread seeing him? will he even talk to me? will he kiss me? At first he gets in and takes the seat behind me with his friend, I bein to try and act cool. headphones on kindle out. Then i feel something poking my shoulder, a wave of hope flares up. at this point i want him to talk to me. I turn only to look at a starnger. I turn back around. this happens a few more times until i realize who is sitting beside the stranger. my now...what do i call him? boyfriend turns to his friend and tells him to stop, gives me a small smile and proceeds to give out to his friend. it happens about two more times until he gets up and takes the empety seat next to me. my heart is racing by now ad i m sure my cheeks are the colour of a tomato. We begin to talk, but he gets distracted by his friend i take it for nervosity on his part that he keeps givig out to his friend. i am nervous as hell and fiddle around with my headphones. We talk a little more before he has to leave. Minutes later i receive a message: "Was tempted to kiss you, there was a certain obstacle in the way hahaha" ....the obsticle i think was his weirdo friend. well and then he said so many sweet and kinda hot things like. "I was really mad to kiss you, but too scared and would probably have been very weird hahaha. and then we debated on why if i was that mad about kissing too why i didn´t take the chance. And I guess this is it for today, here´s a nice shakespearean sonnet: SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true mindsAdmit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds,Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken;It is the star to every wandering bark,Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.   If this be error and upon me proved,   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

 

xxx

16.11.13 Not much of a fan of delayed gratification

Dear diary,

so all day I was uable to get my mind off him, I mean at all. Also me and my friend (twin as i will call her from now on, explaining the story to you is to complicated) got our shit sorted. One thig she said striked me as quite unusual and i wasn´t sure what to reply to it: "It´s not the fact you have him, it´s the fact i know you deserve him more." It came to my head what does she mean I deserve him more? How could I deserve anything more than she would? She was always the stronger one of us, the one who was able to bear the worst things while I´m the emotional one. I´m the one that breaks down for the two of us. when i do something I mostly do it with all of my heart.

Well anyhow, this whole day I have been waiting for my dear boyfriend to reply to me, to say anything at all. i would take a short phrase happily and smile over it. But his silence makes me afraid that he has run for the hills (although twin is staing she is a hundred percent sure he hasn´t run for the hills). ...to be continued

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.11.2013

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