Broken Gaze

 

"Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December, And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor..."

The fatal spell of winter had fallen upon the foresty land of Washington, and snow was sparkly under the soft chilling rays of the moon's tender light. Virgil had told me to meet him at the cafe that was open until 12:00 am, it was 10:00 now and I had been waiting since 9:00. Where is he?

 As if on que, a tall man with platinum blonde hair and soft black eyes came through the cafe door. I sat up in my seat as he confronted me and took the seat on the other side of the table. "Hi," I say nervously. "Hey, he replies. Something was wrong. And I already knew what was wrong. "Charlotte.. There's something we need to talk about." I already knew what he was going to say, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. This couldn't be happening, not to me, not now. Fear was clenching my chest in it's icy fists, it turned into ice in my throat and it became difficult to breathe. Was I going to have a panic attack? I tried to swallow but couldn't. "I have to leave..." The throbbing immediatly began to ensue in my throat, for the icey fear had become seraded with betrayal. "I've been extremely worried about you lately, I mean.." He looked around the cafe and found only one person on the other side of the dining area, his voice lowered, "you tried to commit suicide." I gasped slightly at the mention of what had happened only a couple of months ago. Flashes of the pills spilled all over the bed were now darting in and out of my thoughts, making it nearly impossible to think. "I just don't think this relationship is really healthy for either of us right now-"

"It's because you love someone else. I already know. I've seen you with Mariah. You kissed her after French class a few days ago, and you've loved her since last term," my eyes are now glued to the glossy black table so he doesn't see the pain in them. "Charlotte, that's not true! What happened on Wednesday was a misunderstanding, Mariah kissed me. She didn't know I was with you-"

"Virgil, Mariah and I have been best friends since 9th grade. I told her when I first had a crush on you, when we started dating, our first kiss. She knew about us.  I know her, I know she wouldn't do that to me, and I know you kissed her," My hands had clenched into fists as I fought back the tears that threatened to spill, "But I still love you, Virgil.." Whe I looked back up at him there were tears in my eyes, "do you still love me?" Virgil's eyes widened at the question, and each second his vocal chords were locked in hesitation it killed me inside. Knowing his lies would only hurt me further, he responded with a strained voice, "n-no..." I bit my lip as I squeezed my eyes shut, every muscle in my body clenched as the tears began to stream. I quickly stood from my seat and stormed out of the cafe, my sight blurry with tears. I felt the strong gripping arms of a familiar person pull me into their chest, and Virgil was behind me. "Charlotte.. please"

"Virgil. Let go." His eyes lowered to the ground in emotional defeat as his arms slowly fell away from me and I sprinted to my apartment. I ran into somone, but didn't hear them as I continued running. I began to hear running feet behind me, which only forced my speed to increase. My lungs were burning frm the frosty air and my thick layers continued to restrain me as I fought to maintain a quick pace. Soon the footsteps ceased and a wave of relief fell upon me as I slowed down my pace to unlock the door to my apartment. It was warm inside, but the ice was still think in my throat and stomach. I collapsed on the couch and my head immediatly fell into my hands, my eyes gushing a flurry of tears. I never knew I could break this easily, I had always been so emotionally opaque and yet here I was crying my eyes out over a boy. I kept on trying to stop the tears but they continued to streak down my cheeks. I rolled on my side before clumsily groping for my ipod before jamming in my earbuds and blasting Scary Kids Scaring Kids and Get Scared until I could no longer feel pain, replacing the horrible feelings with an 'Im going to be okay' sensation, burning the ice with flame. I continued to blast song after song, replaying the words I so desperately wished I could have said myself. This continued until I finally fell asleep to Emarosa's acoustic playlist.

 "..While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.."

I soon awoke to a series of knocks repeatedly sounding at the door until I heard a familiar voice of pure consolation. He knocked again, this time he spoke,"Charlotte..?" His voice was showing obvious signs of concern, but was barely audible, as if he were whispering. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes before taking a deep sigh. I slowly brought myself to a sitting position, frantically trying to maintain some form of composure before I weakly approached the awaiting door.

"..Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer..."

I paused a moment before the door, my thoughts running at a thousand miles an hour, before finally swallowing all feelings of reluctance and hiding the bawling intrevert that threatened to spill out. 

"..Darkness there and nothing more..."

Slowly I opened the door to find not one, not two, but absolutely no one at the door. I furrowed my brow in confusion before shutting the door once more and dragging myself back to the couch. Thoughts of going to the bar began to swim in the voice of my sub conscience, but before these thoughts could win dominance over my fully functional mind I jammed the ear buds in once more to blast anything from Five Finger Death Punch to Mozart. Listening to Agraceful, I sat in a state of bewilderment. Could I really just be hearing things?

"..Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning..." 

As I pulled myself into the comforting softness of my favorite blanket, I could've sworn I heard yet another series of knocking at the door. "Charlotte?" 

"Go away.." I replied this time, my voice firm despite my current meek nature. There was a long stretch of silence before there was a sound of someone slumping against the door as they leaned back against it. ".. Ezra..?" I called. "Charlotte! So you are in there?!" Then I became hesitant... What if it really is my imagination? I pushed the thought to the back of my mind as I slowly made my way to the door, I could hear Ezra standing from where he sat. This had to be real. Like ripping off a bandaid, I swiftly wrapped my fingers around the knob and pulled. There stood..... No one. I felt my heart sink. 

"..Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before..." 

My eyes remained wide with shock, what the hell is wrong with me?

 Quickly I slammed the door shut and locked it, grabbing my blanket and ipod before running into my bedroom and locking the door behind me. Once again I attempted to trap myself in the realm of music drifting into silent slumber.

 

I awoke again with a shreik, my heart thudding and the sheets clenched in my fists. I decided I would go in the bathroom and splash my face with some cold water before returning to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea to drink with melatonin. 

When I finally completed the task I sat back on the couch and swallowed three pills. I don't care anymore, I thought. I took another pill. I can't care anymore. And then two more. I stared deep into the coffee table before me, hesitance weighing in. I shook my head before take three more pills. There is no need to care anymore.. He doesn't care.. She doesn't care. Thoughts of Virgil and Mariah were streaking through my mind. I laughed. The same people who I once called "loved ones". I thought of them happy together, without me. The perfect couple. The type that had kids and grew old together. A wave of Nostalgia crashes upon me and submerges me in a honey sweet melancholy. . Only a coward tries to hide from the world, such a shame you can't escape the truth. It hurts. But my sub conscience is right. It's always been. It knew the truth that I tried so hard to drown out with antidepressant all these years. I took another pill, I could feel myself slipping. Red for the drink that's mixed with suicide..

Quotes of bands and poets and authors were spiraling with me into the depths as my head began to throb. I felt a numb tingling sensation resonate from the tips of my fingers to the nape of my neck, from my toes to the pit of my stomach. I had dreamed and imagined this moment for so long, and now it was finally happening. Nothing will stop me this time.. 

And then Black.

 

“Lithe limb, holding up the world of sin. Dragged through their hopes, their cries for love. Can they ever see the agony of the stars, burned through the empty space of grace? Reaching up for someone just beyond the crow's feathers. The storm of a burdened heart that yearns to be destroyed, to rest once more. Do they see the agony of the moon, glowing in a dark place of hate? The child of the sun, dressed in white, but her heart is gone, The skull of a passion, now dead, saying, 'Let Me Fade'. They say this because they have lost their skies. Lost skies can always be found again. The clouds may have faded but their still their. All your hope and dreams all up there in the sky. So they can never be truly lost. Lost hope and broken dreams will be reborn into new ones. You may lose your sky but your sky will never lose you.”

 

 

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.12.2013

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