What is it?

It is what makes us whole.

It makes our lives better.

It is needed to grow.

It is hated.

It is hard to understand.

It is sadness

 

 

 

 The Feeling

There are different kinds of pain. There is the kind of pain that numbs all your senses and there is also the kind that sends all your senses into overdrive. The pain that makes you mad is the latter. I understand what the pain that sends you into overdrive feels like. It makes you think things you originally wouldn't. You would feel unimportant even though you are. You would start to think about how easy it would be to let go of this life. It wouldn't be easy at all for those around you. They would mourn your death and wonder what had changed. While many would find the release into death terrifying, with the pain of sadness putting your senses into overdrive or numbing them, you would find it a warm, comforting answer to the pain. For those who have made it this far even with the most terrible and terrifying of experiences, I want to say I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm apologizing for in the least, but as I'm typing this I start to understand. I'm sorry for not being able to help and talk to you.

 

 

The Loss

Being dragged down by the weight of the sadness matches the weight of being dragged to the bottom of an ocean by an anvil. When someone close to you commits suicide, you are engulfed by a strong current of emotions and questions.

Feelings, Questions And Realisations

• Anger. They had left you without a second thought. How could they?
• Sadness. They are no longer here.
• Confusion. They didn't seem that sad. Don't they understand how much they meant to me? Was I the reason?
• Fear. What if someone else is thinking about suicide? Is it someone else I know?

 

The biggest question that comes up the most is why?.

 

While I want to say that I know, I don't. This is the horrible thing about being alive. You never know when you or someone else could die. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I condone the idea to take your own or another's life. I just think that that's the ironic part in life. While others spend their time think of the future, others choose to think of the past. What brings the tears in my eyes is that those with their minds in the future sometimes no longer get to have a future. Those that think of the past end up thinking about how terrible one mistake that they made was and cut the thread that led to their future and happiness. I won't lie. I have thought of ending my life when things got tough. I've thought 'Maybe if I end this now or just cut myself, I'll feel better!' . Even though those thoughts have crossed my mind I would always think that I don't want to die or be hurt. And that is true. No one wants to be hurt or die. I'm not saying that cutting yourself is good or healthy but, I just can't help but think that those that do are pretty brave. I don't have much courage. It takes alot out of me to even write or voice out my opinions. I just don't know what to say or think.

This is pretty short but I just don't think that I can keep writing this book. I can't help but think of all my friends and everyone I care about when writing this. I had to think of the pain and feelings of those who hurt themselves while writing them and I just can't handle it. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to help. If you want to talk to me about anything though, you can. I just want to be able to help. This may just be my selfish side talking to make up for those that I couldn't help or didn't see hurting, but I want to help. Please come to me if I can do anything. Please.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.04.2014

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