Virgil walked the length of the Ebon Steed

, the planks that made up the deck creaking with every step. He was seventeen but insisted that he was closer to eighteen when anyone mocked his youth. The sun was high in the midday hour and rays of light cut through the white clouds like a knife through parchment. Virgil's bright green eyes sparkled with the dancing of light on the ocean water.
The boy was built like an ox but his face, round and child-like, betrayed his age. His brown, slightly curled hair fell passed his eyes. His muscles flexed as he gripped the rail of the ship. The amaranthine ocean stretched to the horizon with no land in sight. High waves knocked themselves against the battered vessel. Virgil's skin started to burn in the summer sun, as he expected it would. His lips cracked; the salt of blood and ocean water mixed in his mouth. He spat. His skin itched as water sprayed his body.
"Ay boy," called a gruff, deep voice from behind, "Excited to go home again?"
"Not really," Virgil replied coolly.
"It's that girl isn't it?" Grom laughed as he wrapped his arm around Virgil's neck, "You're scared to see her again aren't you child!"
Virgil grabbed Grom's wrist and removed the man's arm. The captain of the Ebon Steed was one of the few people built even bigger than Virgil, but the boy would not let himself be intimidated.
"I hate being called a child," said Virgil as he continued staring out to sea, "I told you that before."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Grom chuckled. "Should I call you the King of Hearts then?"
"I told you to stop calling me that too."
Grom and the crew had taken to calling Virgil the King of Hearts after the first time he beat the captain in a sword battle. Virgil had become a skilled swordsman under Grom's tutelage to be sure, but unlike most seafaring merchants only concerned for goods, Virgil had an overly burning desire to win at all costs. In one practice skirmish Grom had thrown a dagger at him thinking the boy would dodge, but he knocked it away with the back of his hand and took the deep cut to avoid being caught off guard. Shocked by his determination, the crew dubbed him the King of Hearts for his suicidal tendencies. Virgil had won every battle since. He had many scars.
"It's a good name boy. You could be a fighter for hire with that sort of name."
Virgil ignored the comment.
"I left Danorin because my parents died there. I couldn't stay after losing so much. I don't want to go back…but why do I keep looking to it so?"
Grom slapped his hand down on Virgil's shoulder. The impact stung his skin.
"Maybe it's because you gave up so much," said Grom. "Maybe you're looking at all the things you had and wish to have them back."
"I can never have my father back Grom."
"No, but you can have the girl."
Virgil's legs failed. He gripped the railing of the ship harder.
"I gave her up for a reason," said Virgil through gritted teeth.
"Ay, but you want her for a reason too. Which one leads you to happiness boy? I saw the way she looked at you when you left two years ago and I saw her sadness when you came back and left again."
Virgil looked to Grom for the first time. His eyes were starting to blur. He would not let himself cry.
"There is more to life than being happy."
Grom laughed. "You really are a child aren't you? If you're not happy then there is no point in you living. You might as well jump into the ocean and let yourself drown. This life is short. We have to live for our own happiness. Not doing so will only lead to despair. Do you really think you deserve despair?"
"No but…" said Virgil in a broken voice, "but I will not live in selfishness. I'm going to sleep now. Wake me if there's a storm would you."
Virgil walked hard past the captain and into the ship's cabin. He headed down the stairs and into his room. The swaying of the ship seemed worse than usual today. He lifted himself into his hammock and drifted into an uncomfortable sleep.
Relyndra stared at him, eyes beckoning. Her flowing brown hair fell past her shoulders and it swayed as she walked closer to him. She put her arms around his neck in a tender embrace. She smelled of flowers. Virgil's fingers ran through her silk hair. His eyes were on her lips. He closed his eyes. He could feel her intoxicating breath on his lips. Everything stopped.
"Do you dream of her often?" called a voice from memory. Virgil's heart fell into his stomach.
He opened his eyes and Relyndra was gone. He found himself on the Ebon Steed

, but the crew was nowhere in sight and the boat seemed to lack motion. Vigil looked out over the railing.
There was nothing; the boat was suspended in dark oblivion. A figure with a familiar face stood at the end of the deck.
"Is this your magic Calin?" asked Virgil incredulously. "Or is this a vision of my own guilt?"
"It is my magic," said Calin as he lowered the hood of his dark blue cloak, "but while I can be sure, you can never be. That is just the nature of things."
Calin was younger than Virgil by more than a year, but he had always talked like he was a middle-aged man. It made him interesting to some, like Virgil, but it could wear on others.
"Your hair has gotten longer," noted Virgil, "it looks darker…almost black…"
"Do you dream of her often?" Calin insisted with a lack of emotion on his face.
Virgil got the impression he already knew the answer.
"She was a big part of my life," said Virgil plainly, "a big part of both of our lives. It gets lonely out here and I guess she just came to me."
"She may have chosen you if you stayed," admitted Calin his eyes sinking. "You two always talked more…laughed more. I hoped one day she would tell me she loved me, but I feared that my love for her would destroy my hate, my desire for revenge."
The three children had lost their parents in an assault from Vangard on Danorin soil. The nations had warred for several years, but this had been the first bloody skirmish in a capital city. Calin was the only of the three to really see his father die. He had been burned to death by flames of magic. They called the mage the Devil of Vangard. Calin dreamed, both in his waking hours and in the night, of vengeance. He had cast aside his chances for happiness for the alleged sweetness of revenge.
"But once you have your revenge..." began Virgil.
"I have already had it!" shouted Calin. Virgil jumped, his shock more from the words than the way they were yelled. "I killed him!"
"Then you should be happy! You should be living the good life now. You and Relyndra should think about children," Virgil shuttered at his own words.
"Don't say such things," Calin sighed, "you don't mean them. I have left Danorin. There must be something out there…some good that my abilities can accomplish. People cry out in pain and I can do something. My magic can do something."
"How could you have left her like that!?" yelled Virgil stepping closer to Calin and hoisting him up by his cloak. "Magic can save no one from pain and loss. She is broken and alone now…magic cannot cure that. You left because you couldn't take the guilt."
"She dreams of you," Calin said softly, unexpectedly. Virgil's grip loosened. "And she dreams of me. Sometimes we're both there. She is torn and cries harder. I visit her in her dreams like I am doing with you. It does little to comfort her."
"You should have stayed with her!" said Virgil, new power in his voice.
"I killed the Devil of Vangard in his sleep, like a coward, like a child with a dagger. I left everything behind to find my salvation."
"There's no such thing as salvation!" Virgil spat. "There is no such thing as God or hell or redemption. You killed that bastard for what he did and he deserved no better. You've done it! Why are you so afraid?"
Calin shook his head and refused to speak. He stared at Virgil with a forlorn hopelessness. It was as if he had thought about becoming angry but gave up on the notion.
"There is only this life and our happiness," said Virgil softly. "You should be with her. No matter how guilty you are you can't justify destroying her happiness."
“Maybe you're right," said Calin, his blue eyes glistening, "but why didn't you stay with her then? Why didn't you fulfill the vision of your own happiness?"
"I did it for you idiot!" said Virgil like one brother scolding another.
Calin stared wide eyed.
"I did it," Virgil continued, "because after your father died you took it harder than any of us. You were broken to the core. The only thing I thought that could save you was her. I saw the way you looked at Relyndra. So, in my love for you I stepped aside. I left so that you could have a chance at happiness. She was supposed to forget about me and choose you!"
"She did," said Calin, "but I left…"
"Then you have to go back!" Virgil felt his face beginning to redden with heat.
"I will, when I am done I will go back to her. I can't until I make things right."
"You're a damn fool," said Virgil as he turned his back. "But you've always been that way huh?"
"I suppose so," said Calin with a forced chuckle. "I understand you're called the King of Hearts now."
"There are things you just shouldn't be able to know," said Virgil. He nearly cracked a smile.
"I wish I had a nickname like that, but I would likely be the Faint of Hearts. I've never meet a more cowardly man than me."
And as quickly as Calin had appeared he had gone. Virgil awoke to a knock on his door. Grom burst in with a little more force than was absolutely necessary.
"Danorin is in sight boy. Prepare to see your woman."
**
Virgil walked the darkening streets of Danorin. The lights along the path went out as shops closed for the night. They flickered out like dying fireflies. Like so many fading dreams. It was beginning to rain, the cold water going from a soft sprinkle to drums of it pounding on him like small, sharp needles.
This was wrong. He knew deep down he should be staying at an inn tonight, but his memories pulled him down familiar walkways, his heart betraying his frantic mind. Calin was coming back. He shouldn't be doing this.
His hand knocked on a door before he could fully comprehend that he was standing in front of one. Immediately he wished he could take it back, but his feet were planted. He wanted this. He wanted nothing to do with this.
A beautiful girl answered the door.
"Calin?" the soft voice cried. Relyndra's eyes were red and swollen. Virgil winced. "Oh my God, Virgil! I didn't expect you."
Virgil stood in the rain for nearly a minute before she let him in. The sound of falling water and thunder muffled as she closed the door. A fire burned in the fireplace. His presence, Virgil could tell, had thrown the girl off her balance. She fumbled as she tried to take off his wet cloak. Virgil forgot to breath. His eyes closed and he clinched his fists so tightly that his knuckles whitened. A hand ran through his long, wet hair. He gulped.
"What's wrong with you?" asked Relyndra, her voice as sweet as Virgil had remembered it. "Are you sick from the rain?"
"No," said Virgil as he sat near the burning hearth. "I just…I just don't think I should be here."
"What are you saying?" Relyndra balked. "We've been friends since childhood. I hardly ever see you as it is."
"Calin said he was coming back."
"I know," she said, her tone suggesting little faith in Calin's word. "That fool will probably be on his way and stop to save an entire village person by person. It could be a year before he's back."
Her voice was cold but the look in her silvery eyes was one of heartache.
"You love each other don't you?" Virgil's eyes flickered as he stared into the fire.
"Of course I love him," she said more loudly than intended. "I thought we were going to be happy here. I thought I could stop him from his self-destruction. Though, I thought I could stop you from the open seas. A foolish girl's hope I think."
"Calin really hurt you didn't he?"
"You both did. But at least you had courage enough to come back."
"I wouldn't call it courage," Virgil admitted. "More like a foolish boy's longing."
Relyndra came to stand next to Virgil. He jumped up. He towered over the small woman by at least two heads. She looked up at him. He returned her gaze. She put a hand on his chest. He hoped she couldn't feel his heart racing. He flinched.
She smiled and rested her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her as if to shelter from the outside world. He cursed himself as he did it.
"Before you left I dreamed about this," Relyndra whispered.
Virgil made a conscious effort to keep his trained sea legs from buckling. His tongue was dry in his mouth. He was sweating all over, and he knew it wasn't the fault of the roaring fire. She looked up at him and leaned upward ever closer. Virgil began to bend his head down. He could feel her breath on his lips. It was like a dream.
But this dream didn't stop. He felt her soft lips on his own, the moisture so soothing. His heart raced and the back of his mind tinged with regret, but he pushed it aside. His eyes closed in forbidden bliss. Virgil broke the connection after a short while. He went to rest his chin on her shoulder instead. He could feel her shake with new tears.
"Calin is my brother," Virgil whispered. "He is coming back for you…"
"I know," Relyndra said through her tears. She held Virgil tighter as she gasped for air. "It's so unfair…he left me abandoned and alone."
Virgil kissed her cheek. His mind shouted for him to stop but he could not; he felt like a ravenous beast. His body ignited like fire and he could feel Relyndra panting response. Her hands ran through his hair and clawed his back. For a moment he believed in heaven again.
And as he began to kiss slowly down her neck he began to wonder to himself. If it was wrong for Calin to destroy her happiness, then it would be wrong for him to destroy Calin's. One man would have to take the fall.
With a heroic effort he pulled himself from her body. She stared at him with yearning eyes and he fought not to rush back to her.
"Calin hated himself Relyndra. He had to find the good within before he could love you with all his heart. You have to trust in his return. I think I should turn in for the night."
"I love him, with all that I am," she replied. "But the body yearns for desires that betray the heart. Stay here and I will get you a blanket. We need not speak of this again."
Virgil found himself lying next to the burning hearth; the heat soothed his mind. The image of Relyndra leaning forward to kiss him flashed in his eyes. He burned to have her by his side, underneath the covers. He shook his head and struggled to fall asleep.
"You saw her didn't you?" called Calin's disembodied voice from everywhere at once.
Virgil was surprised. He had not realized he had fallen asleep.
"Was your reunion eventful?" asked Calin.
Images began to form. A house formed around him like colorful ink blots dripping onto black paper. Virgil and Calin stood face to face in a familiar house, the fire smoldered in the fireplace but boar no heat.
"I went to sleep rather quickly," replied Virgil hiding his shame, "'twas a long trip at sea."
"And there is nothing you wish to tell me brother?" asked Calin, the shadows behind him darkening as if he were about to fade away.
"Nothing of consequence. I…"
"I cannot tell much from my dreamwalking," Calin interrupted, "I cannot tell if what people dream are desires or just random, uncontrollable images. I can never know truly what you are doing at all times. I have my trust in you brother. I have to trust you are not lying next to her as we speak. Tell Relyndra not to let her love for me go just yet. I am on my way."
Calin shrank into the shadows and disappeared. Virgil was shaken awake.
It was Relyndra, kneeling next to him with a dangerous look on her face. She wore loose fitting, nearly see-through undergarments. Her silky smooth skin called to him, begged him to reach out. He jumped to his feet.
"I cannot Relyndra," Virgil said with panic,” no matter how much I want to I can't. I can never look at Calin with a clean conscience again. I cannot lay with you and call him brother."
Relyndra's eyes swelled. "I know. I don't know how I'll face him. I am a fool for submitting to lust like this."
"Perhaps we are both fools, but I think it is best I leave."
Relyndra paused then nodded frantically. Without another word he left through the door as he had come, through the pouring down rain. The tears streaming down his face mixed with the rainfall. His stone cold expression masked his crying.
It's just as well

, Virgil thought. He needs her love more than I do. I'll find my happiness somewhere else, though it's hard to believe it's possible. I will be Calin's brother and if he ever calls on me I will be there for him.

Virgil strengthened his expression, his resolve and loyalty redoubling.
Maybe it's the nature of men to be cowards, to have what they want and throw it away out of fear of consequence. Virgil laughed to himself. Perhaps he ruined his chance at love for a man who already had his chance. Maybe he deserved better but was too afraid to let himself.
Maybe I deserve to be called the Faint of Hearts

, Virgil thought as he walked deeper into the cold, numbing rain.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 15.04.2010

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