“Write your heart out, Alice,” My aunt Tilde had said as I carefully flipped through the pages of my new diary. The diary was a bright red with golden pages. It seemed mystical to me enough that I longed to fill the diary with pages of magic, romance, and adventure. Yet, nothing in my life was very adventure-like or exciting. I wanted things to happen that were worth writing about. It just seemed like nothing ever interesting happened in the real world. If only I could have adventures like Alice in wonderland. If only I could be like her.

Although the city was always so busy, I was so tired of the same old same old. I often liked to sit on the edge of the bridge overlooking the bank. I would gaze down at the river and watch the city in motion. You would think that there would be a lot to do in a big city like that, but it is easy to lose yourself anywhere. When you’re someone like me who is always so lost in thought about everything, you’ll find that the real world is for normal people. The fantasy world was all that was left for me.

It seemed it would be just another miserable day in the city, alone. My sister had already left for a college university, and here I was a high school dropout who never planning on going to college. I knew that I had no chance to succeed in college. Colleges were for smart people. Colleges were for people who knew how to calculate reality, not dreams.
So there I sat, writing in my diary about the ripples of water and what it might be like to breathe underwater. Then out of nowhere someone crept up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.
“Hey!” I heard as I turned around to face the intruder. My eyes filled up with a look of surprise.
“Huh. Huh. Hi?” I said to the man in the faded leather jacket.
“You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that,” I said to the man when I recovered my senses. I stared at him for a moment, and I guess I couldn’t hide how miserable I was.
“Oh don’t mind me. I just didn’t know that you were someone who liked to be alone.”
“What do you mean?” I asked the man.
“Oh don’t worry about it, my dear. My name is Jack, by the way.”
“I’m Alice,” I said to the man.
“Hey. Do you want to see my tattoo?” Jack asked, and I hesitantly said alright.
Jack pulled off his leather jacket. I could see him flexing his muscles. On his left shoulder was the tattoo of a white rabbit with the words Drink Me tattooed underneath a smiling white rabbit. He smiled at me and then he laughed.
This was when I should’ve turned back towards home. Yet, something stirring in me kept me there in place, and I decided not to turn away this time. Jack smiled again.
“Alice, do you believe in fairy tales?” Just then he looked to his wrist.
“Oh no, I’m late! I’m late! Would you care to join me for the night, Alice?”
A surprise invitation, this could be great material for my diary, new fantasies. Perhaps…anyways…well danger is my middle name.
I looked down at my shoes. It was just too dismal and boring here to sit around and let the emptiness swallow me whole. I didn’t know Jack, which was certain. But I did know that danger was my middle name; at least in my head it was.
Who can ever deny that certain allure to dangerous situations that we get pulled into? Plus, there was something in his eyes that was peeling my soul from my skin. I felt happy that I had been approached by danger, and the danger….well the danger had its own place in my fantasy world. I would write about all of it in my diary.
So, I had found myself walking along the dark city streets next to my new friend Jack. He had his arm over my shoulder as we walked towards a late night club they called Wonder. It felt awkward and I was on edge, but somewhere deep within I knew I would be ok.
“How ironic,” I thought, “That this place is called Wonder.”
I remember when the doors opened and how I was overwhelmed by the loud music blaring from everywhere it seemed. Sound came pouring out from the various speakers in the club. There was a bar overlooking the dance floor where people were dancing.
I took note of all the different colors and sounds, the outfits that people were wearing ( the bright aqua hair, a deep red velvet skirt, those long black fishnets for thin legs, dark black eye lashes, sweaty t-shirts, muscles, and those soul hungry eyes). I felt happy that I had so much of a story to tell.
They craved music, beauty, glamour, sex.
Jack took me up to the bar, where he was sitting with his friend, Cat. Cat, how can anyone describe such a beautiful woman? Cat was slim yet curvaceous, with shoulder length purple hair and a large white smile. She had an aura of mystery surrounding her and big beautiful green eyes.
And Cat is beautiful. If only I could be as beautiful as her.
I don’t know how it happened, I got lost in thought again and I found myself staring down at my shoes again. I had been taking notes in my little book.
Dear Diary,
This must be what it’s like to breathe underwater. Here, in the underground scene. I’m here, in the darkest corner of the city. This place is called Wonder. So it’s not your typical Wonderland. But this is life in the city. This is where all the freaks and dreamers come to lose themselves. They come to listen to the music blaring. They come to watch the light bounce off the sweaty bodies and the strobes and intoxicate themselves until exhaustion. Maybe I’m one of the freaks too, you know? Maybe I belong in Wonderland forever….
I had been writing in my diary again. Then, I put it down and I found myself getting up and walking towards the bathroom. I tried to make my way around some people on the floor making out, and then I stumbled into the restroom to find that everyone in there was drunk or high. Someone told me that I looked like a train wreck and asked if I wanted a cigarette. I took the cigarette with me into the stall and started smoking. What was I doing there?
After I finished my cigarette, I headed on back to the bar. Jack was gone. I looked around me and I saw Cat’s purple hair shimmering in the bright strobe lights. I decided that it was now or never, if I was going to end this night the way I wanted. I followed Cat. She was walking briskly towards a door with a half lit exit sign above it. There was no turning back now.
“Hey Cat! Wait Up!” I yelled after her. She turned back and smiled.
“Alice! There you are!”

We walked along a dark hallway for what seemed like eternity. Then finally, we were there. There? Well I wasn’t sure exactly where we were. It seemed we had ended up inside a dimly lit room with rainbow colored wallpaper. Jack lit a cigar and perched it between his lip.. Then suddenly Cat got up and turned out the lights. She spoke in a seductive and soft whisper.
“Now that you’re all here, we’re going to play a little game. In this little game, we’re going to pretend that this is no ordinary club on the corner of Main Street called Wonder. Tonight, we’re tripping down the rabbit hole.”
I knew that this was going to be a night to remember. And after we were all high as the sky on cloud 9, I found myself really believing that I was in wonderland. Cat smiled at me. She winked and then her smile disappeared. She was no average Cat; she was the Cheshire enchantress…and Jack?
Jack was no ordinary Jack; he was the entrance to wonderland, to our dreams. Jack was the most unusual of them all. He seemed to be no more than a bum, a junkie, a deadbeat. Yet he was like the light to guide you through the darkness. He was the light that understood darkness. These people were the participants of a new reality; they were the fallen angels in a dying and defeated world.
I knew everyone was someone else in this happy party wonderland. I thought it would’ve been amazing to just lay there and watch the characters dancing in my head. Then Cat announced that there was someone coming to the party, a mysterious guest. I wondered who it could be.
She took out from her purse many different colored blindfolds, and one by one we were in colorful darkness. I was amused by all the beauty that I forgot what it was I meant for a moment, I just lay there immersed in the wonder and awe of magic.
“Hello Alice.” A voice whispered into my ear. I wasn’t sure if it was real or not, so I just imagined that it was.
“Welcome to wonderland. I am the mad hatter,” spoke the man who I could not see. He sounded familiar to me, yet not at the same time. Then he took off my blindfolds and I was face to face with the man of my dreams. After that I knew that wonderland was real. I wanted desperately to stay in wonderland forever, not go back to my shitty lonely apartment and job. I knew it could be real. Then the man looked at me, and he touched my hair for a moment.
“My real name is Jeremy,” he said. Then he kissed me softly on the lips. I closed my eyes and felt like I was somewhere far away from here.
Cat turned on the lights.
“Welcome back,” She said and I looked around. Jeremy had left.
All that night I dreamed of that beautiful voice whispering in my ears. I decided to come back to “Wonderland” a little while later. When I got to corner on Main Street there was no building where I had been that one happy night. I sat on the corner and cried, staring up into the clouds wishing for my white rabbit to come take me away. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t bring myself to get up and move on. Fairy-tales had lost all their beauty and magic.
Had I given up on my dreams, or had they given up on me? It started raining. I walked to the bridge and looked down at the water. The water looked so mystical and free as it flowed down the channel. It could take me away to wonderland. Couldn’t it? I knew it would be wrong, to just let go of it all. I stood on the edge and then I felt myself letting go. Just then, there were hands on my shoulders. I looked up. It was the man who I had seen that night in wonderland. It was the man who stole my dreams, the mad hatter, or Jeremy.
“Wonderland was real, wasn’t it?”
“I don’t know about wonderland. You’re real and that’s all that matters,” He said.
“Am I real? No one has ever said that to me that before.”
And with that I frowned sadly and I said, “I don’t believe in fairytales anymore.”
“That’s ok. Because everything did happen, Alice, but that place went out of business a few months ago. Why didn’t you come back then?”
“I guess sometimes in life you take things for granted, you think they’ll last forever when they don’t. Even wonderland, well I guess I thought wonderland would be the one thing that would last.”
“Listen. Wonderland is not all it’s cracked up to be. The only real person in the whole of reality and wonderland combined is you. You yourself are the only one who can make wonderland really the way you want it to be.”
I looked at him for a moment and then I said, “I really want my dreams to come true the way I want them to.”
“You have to believe in yourself,” He said, “Because wonderland is just a state of mind…and so is life.” After he said that he kissed me for a long time. I had my happily ever after at last and everything finally mattered.

When everything matters, you can forget about fantasies of wonderland or late nights alone in a shitty stall smoking cigarettes. You can forget about everything and at the same time, you remember the things you truly believe in: yourself, your friends, your life, your lover, and your reality.

I am turning the next page of my magical diary and filling it with what no one shall ever know.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.03.2010

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