Cover

chapter 1

ouch..I weaped, tears were streaming viscously down my tired cheek. Hunger and pain had woken me up like a careless alarm clock. My rough clothes rubbed against the deep, wounds on my fragile skin. "Louise!" screemed my mother from half way down the stairs, her startling voice gave me a painful concussion.I hated that bitch, ever since dad had passed away,she just wasnt a mum anymore."come down here you fucking loser  what are daughters for eh? useless peace of shit". Her spiteful words stung, but i slowely went down stairs trying not to make my spikey trousers rub too hard against my cuts. I tried as often as i can not to anger her, or else things can be detromental. shes wreckless when she gets vexed. I had two other younger brothers, Dave and Oliver, i loved them to bits and always take the blame for their stupidity or else.. lets just say i will be calling them -dave and oliver.My mum doesnt joke around, if you piss her off she'll either beat you senseless or if shes not bothered, then your not eating for a week or so.I was 9 and my little brothers were 5 and 6. Trying to make as little sound as possible, i approached my mother with my head down, "what did i tell you?" she exclaimed, after 3 and a half seconds of pure silence she repeated the question with much more emphasis "WHAT DID I TELL YOU?" she said once again with a tranquil yet eerie tone."sorry mother?" I uttered in a vulnerable voice. I lifted my head slightly to get a better look at this negligent beast who has nothing better to do with her wasted life. Before i could answer, she raised her giagantic arm and smacked me so hard on my already deformed cheek that i fell helplessly to the ground. "what the fuck is your problem" i mumbled as my tears muffled my croaky voice . "what the fuck is my problem? ill show you" after that, i pretty much ran as fast as my little legs could carry me. out of breath, hungry and weak, i soon lost balance and fell to the ground again.Loud, violent footsteps were coming my way but i didnt let that intimidating noise stop me, i got back up , sprinted to my room and slid under my bed all in one motion."where are you!" the strong smell of whisky travelled from her mouth and spread across the atmosphere up stairs."where the fuck are you! youre the one that challenged me and now youve scampered faster than flash" Some sort of movement i made with my leg somehow gave away my location. I legitemately knew at that moment that i would have more broken bones and wounds added to my list, possibly, if im lucky EVEN DEATH. She walked in with a merciless look on her face and slammed the door behind her.  

Chapter 2

"you alright sis?"

"hellooooooooooooooo"

"i think shes dead"

"oh no Louise, Louise, Louiiiiiise!"

Eventually, i was able to respond to them verbally, but my body couldnt flinch.I didnt enjoy my brothers seeing me in this state. It was horrendous, their pale little skinny faces in desperate need of something to eat.Dave and oliver both loved me dearly,i always thought of them before i thouht of myself and i took that time i was lying on my bedroom floor in pain and agony to reflect on my unwise and selfish decision to talk back to mother.I cared very little about my physical state and cared more about the two most important poeple in my life seeing me in this vulnerable, week state. I didnt at any point want them to think that i am no longer capable of taking care and being there for them. Trying as hard as i can to withstand the feeling of extreme discomfort in my spine and neck and slowely pushed myself up from the freezing cold floor."dont worry guys ill be ok" i said, biting my bottom lip as hard as i can to prevent the tears waiting at the corner of my eye."come on " i said suddenly cheerfully, pulling them in for a big sisterly hug" "who thought i was dead!" i chuckled, trying to make it sound humourous. "well then, ill just have to come after both of you then", i said in a devious tone, i crawled towards both of them "whos ticklish?" I asked in a comanding tone."ahhh!!" the  little ones got up and bolted . sounds of laughter and joy briskley changed the previous sorrowful mood.Unfortunately,it wasnt long before our unfed bodies started to tire out.I felt lightheaded and nauseous and i could tell the boys also felt the same way."hey guys what do you say we go find some food!?"i suggested. "thats a good idea"groaned dave, i could see the fatigue and starvation in their innocent little eyes. I couldnt stand the look of it so i pulled both of them in and made a plan..."Ok so the beast is downstairs snoring away so we have to be cautious otherwise you guys already know what will happen" The boys nodded in unison."We will slowely go downstairs and each of us will grab as much food as we can ok?"the boys looked confused, then oliver intelligently asked "but, if we take too much, wont mother suspect us?" 

"ahhhhh" i agreed. thats true. "so one of us will have to go get food because if all of us go at the same time, theres more of a chance of making too much noise meaning the beast will wake up and its game over" he continued.Dave and i burst out laughing.Am i actually this dumb? i asked myself.Mother has literally beaten the brain cells out of me."so who will go" moaned dave."i will" said oliver "no way am i risking Louise getting hit by that monster again uh uh" A big smile streched across my face when he said that."no let me go oliver, youre only little" 

"AAAAAH!" the pain on my back suddenly came back by surprise, i collapsed on the floor, wheeping.Looking at me , i could tell Oliver's mind was made up "im going" he said firmly.I hadnt uttered a word after that because i knew i wasnt in a state to move and holding him back will prolong our hours of not having eaten.So i just let him stride away.I kept my eyes on him until he was consumed by the darkness.

Dave and i sat inaction until Oliver's return.He walked in casually with an armfull of a variety of foods,for a second i felt so blessed to have the most brave and courageous brother.It was as if Oliver knew what our body needed the most at this point,we havent eaten well in about 2 weeks and just looking at the food filled me up.On his skinny little trembling arms were milk,fruit,water and buscuits."woohoo!" we all celebrated.It didnt take much long before all the food had vanished, honestly, i was still quite hungry but i decided to stay greatful for what i had just had. We spent about two hours talking then i tucked the boys in and crawled vulnerably to my bed.

chapter 3

The day pretty much started of with mum screeming and shouting at our abusive step dad over the phone.We hadnt seen Nathaniel ever since i reported him for what he done to me two years ago.towards the end of 2013 the most shocking and life scarring thing happened:Mum went to the shop to get some groceries leaving me and the boys alone with Nathaniel.I was in my room getting dressed to go to my friends house when drunk Nath burst in."AAAH im changing get out!" i shrieked. But instead of running out of the room in fright, he looked at me,chuckled and continued to enter my territory.He strided towards me and grabbed my bare body.I dont really enjoy talking about the rest so ill just leave the rest to the imagination.When he left my room,I was naked crying and smelt like metal(Nath was an engineer).He didnt rape me but he was one step away from it, had i not tightened my legs together,all hell wouldve broken loose.I rapidly slipped into my clothes and cancel my visit to my friends house, incase, i decided to do something more wise with my time and dial 999 on the house phone.I told them everything that happened and before i knew it four or five police cars circled my house like a ring.The high pitch sound of the siren increased my confidence.I remember that day quite clearly, my mother had just come from the supermarket with armfulls of heavy shopping, on one hand, i felt guilty for stressing her out even more than she already was but i was positive she would be on my side and eventually every thing would work out.But unfortunately, everything backfired on me and my mum ended up despising me and my guts.I remember her exact words to me that day when the police left with Nath.She didnt care or check if i was ok,she didnt want to know nor did she even ask. she just said "Seriously its like you took a life long oath to ruin my life,just because you dont like Nathaniel doesnt mean you make up some excuse to eliminate him, you could have given him a chance you selfish cow! I swear to God, like you took an oath to destroy my life, i will too make an oath that if you EVER COME IN MY WAY EVER AGAIN you will regret it, now get out of my face" that was the last day me and my mother talked properly, after that living with her was hell, i was 7 when she said that to me.Every time i remember that speech, my skin turns cold,dry and pale and boiling hot tears start to cascade down my face, burning me inside out,its the most brutal thing that anyone has EVER said to me.After that, the beatings started and soon enough, the neglect and swearing.I seriously hoped for one day to grow up and take my little brothers with me, far away and i didnt want have anything to do with her.

chapter 4

Today, for the first time in two years,Nath came back, mum called him back.On one hand, iwas extatic to see him because it would probably mean that mum would finally go back to normal but i was also frightened that what happened two years ago would occur again.I had never seen my mother so excited about something in my life,RING RING, the doorbell rang i ran to the edge of the stair case to see who came, my mum started galloping to the door in joy and amusement.She puuled open the wooden door and in came a new and improved Nathaniel Clark. I was gobsmacked when i saw the changes to his looks after prison.He had slightly tanned skin, his hair was black and he had the mos beautiful shade of blue for his eyes.Im going to be completeley honest, Nath has always been handsome but i, like many other girls am not overwhelmed by his charming appearance.Instead i see him as a monster.Part of me was wondering how bad of a parent my mum is being for bringing this sex offender back to our home but he was too attractive, i couldnt help but stare at his face.Nath was wearing a dark leather coat and jeans that matched his hair so perfect.All of a sudden, a distraction had blocked my view of looking at the masterpiece before me, my mother she pounced on him like a cat."I missed you so much Nathy" she cried as he embraced her with his nurturing arms."where are the kids?" He asked in a polite yet commanding tone. "oh theyre upstairs, dyou wanna meet them? LOUISE! DAVE! OLIVER! come down stairs you have a visitor!!!!!" she roared . the boys raced downstairs barging me on the way."come and say hi to Nathy, you remember Nathy dont you boys". Her suddenly generouse behaviour startled me, My legs trembled as i struggled to come downstairs, memories were racing in my thoughts and making my heart thump.It was discomforting. "hi guys!" Nath said cheerfully to the boys, they, as they dont know any better, ran to him and he scooped them up with this huge arms. "i got a surprise for you" Nath whispered quite loudly, "what!" exclaimed the boys in unison. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two toy cars.My little brothers were now officially brainwashed, intrigued by the gift they had just gotten, vexation and fury grew like a disease in my stomach and lungs as i struggled to breathe. "Louise" "come over here sweety" He said in his soothing voice, i cautiously approached him without getting too close. "look, whatever you think i did to you, its over now ok? two years have passed and now i am ready to start a fresh life so i would appreciate it if you didnt do something like this, if you have a problem with me, adress me or your mother, not the police. I already done two years without a reason, i am not willing to do another two so its all up to you"For a minute i was about to go balistic, then i realised there is no escape from mother if i go wrong this time, so i decided to stay calm and go with it even though the heartbreaking thought is burning me inside, i decided wisdom is the best path to take in times like this, i will figure something out.

chapter 5

"im telling you Jannie, just do it, they are not doing you any good anyway so you might aswell"

"Yeah but if i do it, theyll cut of my child benefits!"

"just think about it ok?"

I later found out what child benefits ment, As you can imagine, i was only nine at the time so it was kind of dificult to comprehend what my mum and Nath were on about.I decided to just let it go, since i didnt understand,i just left it at that.About a week later, it was a sunday morning. The boys and I were still asleep when we heard calm footsteps approaching our bedroom door. It was mum and and Nath.I sat up and histerically rubbed my eyes to see what was happening.Mum stood like a cheerleader behind Nath whilst he violently grabbed my blanket and threw it to the other side of the room along with the boys. "GET UP" he commanded us, In unison, Me, Dave and Oliver stood up like soldiers in the military. My mother, still in her dirty robe grabbed Dave by the wrist and Nath took me and oliver. My skinny little arm was being crushed by this huge guy, I tried to get him to let go but the more i struggled, the tighter it got. HE dragged oliver and I visciously down the stairs whilst mum followed with Dave. They took us right out the door, not even giving us a chance to get changed.Little Dave was crying, but Oliver stayed strong and tried to resist. Nath and Mum shoved us in the back of Naths car. All i saw was the back of Nath and mums bodies when he slammed his foot on the gas.

chapter 6

we arrived in a forest full of old rusty trees that clearly hadnt recovered from 1920's autumn. The atmosphere was quite dull and creepy, "get out!" screamed mother, With that, we all climbed out of the stinky old bucket Nath calls a car. I looked around, waiting for something to amuse me, but nothing did, i was strongly craving to go back to my bed and just rest until my aching bones and skin had recovered but clearly mum and Nath werent in the mood. What happened? i thought to myself, trying so hard to figure out the reason for all this nonsense. I could see Dave from the corner of my eye shivering then Oliver approaching him with his arms ready to cuddle his little brother. Thoughts and confusion stunned me. VROOM VROOM, i heard a loud screech shriek from behind us, we all turned around only to see a car speeding a way into the distance leaving mist behind them "NOOOOOOOOOOO" i screamed, with tears running down my cheeks "Where are you going!!!!!" ,Dave and Oliver just stood there speechless choked by shock and astonishment. With nothing left to do, i bolted towards the direction of the car, hoping i would find them, but they were long gone.Confused devestated lostand hungry, i went back to the boys somehow the walk back seemed very long and sickening, everything was spinning around like a round about. The tree's darkness covered me like a blanket and that darkness represented my sorowful, aweful life. for a second while i was walking through the clumpy leaves, i actually considered ending my life, then i remeber the boys who were innocently waiting for me. so with that, i sped up. "what are we going to do know" said Oliver, desperetely trying to calm his tone down so Dave wouldnt get paranoid."i dont know" i replied in monotone.It was starting to get cold and we only had our pajamas on with no shoes, how unthoughtful could those useless idiots get? I was increasingly unable to control my mood and soon enough, i flipped. "WHAT THE FUCK IS HER PROBLEM! THAT USELESS BITCH I HOPE SHE DIES AND GOES TO HELL."petrified, the boys faces whitened as if they had seen a ghost, for a split second, i thought my power to intimidate them like that was pretty cool but i quickly realised my wrongdoing and apologised."im sorry" that apology was truly sincere.I decided we needed a place to sleep and fast so i quickly ended the cheesy talk. After hours of literally walking with no shoes on the muddy floor with our skinny pale feet, we luckily spotted a road with cars speeding back and forth. For some reason , my thinking process was really slow and my mind was rushing with a billion thoughts, i looked down to get a better look at the boys and Oliver turned around to look at me.With the worlds straightest face he was making calmly, he said " wait here" The bravery and courageousness in his tone reassured me. Oliver took about 10 steps ahead of us towards the road, the vulnerability in the way he was walking tore me apart, i felt extremely guilty for letting him take this threatening step to save us.He stood still for a while, his eyes searchingly panning around as if he were looking for something in paticular.There was seriously no doubt in my mind that Olly would let us down, his intelligence and bravery cooled me down like a cold beverage on a hot summers day, in other words, his presence soothed me. After what seemed like forever, he stuck out his thumb and waved it infront of incoming vehicles. "what is he doing" Dave cutely asked. "HEs trying to get someones attention so they can help us" I replied in a calm, nurturing voice. Soon enough, A car finally pulled over to the forest side and a couple (i think) climbed out of the beautiful black mercedes. I could see from behind the front seats that two children were inside the car, they looked quite happy and glaring into their portable consoles admiringly completely oblivious of whats happening in the real world out there. The woman approached us first, she bent down to Olivers height and held him gently by the hand. "are you okay darling? Whats wrong and why are you here all alone?"Her voice made her sound really friendly and i felt abit better when i heard it, at first i thought she would run away with Oliver when she held his arm, so i was quite tensed but her voice seemed motherely and loving."No, our mother and step father drove us here and took off first thing in the morning without informing us"I was surprised at how he said that without hesitating once."Oh my god what kind of parents are they! George, open the car and help these poor children in at once!"

chapter 7

The car ride was comfortable and quite relaxing, my brothers and i were crammed at the back (not actually crammed but there was enough space for all three of us). Suddenly, one of the siblings sitting in front of us finally let her eyes look somewhere else other than a screen for relentless hours.She looked behind and looked at me first,"hi" she started, "hi" i responded, trying not to look her directly in the eyes in fear of being insulted for not only being a run a way, but for the cuts and bruises scattered across my white skin, and dirty clothes that stink like a sewage pipe. I was so embarrased, not only for my self, but for the boys. "what were you guys doing out there all alone?" I was surprised she noticed "You actually noticed us while your eyes were pierced into that screen?"I said, pointing at her nintendo 3 ds. She burst out laughing and i soon joined her as her laugh was highly contagious.Once we were done laughing our guts out,  "its called multi tasking" she said, forcing the intelligent appearance. " its a long story, i will have to tell you when i have time im afraid" i continued from her previous question. I could already see things were hitting off with the boys, Dave, Olly and the girls brother were cracking up as my brothers leaned forward to check out the boys games, they stared in absolute amusement. I cleverly decided to ignore their creepy behaviour and turned back around to talk to my new friend. "my name is Valerie" she gleefully announced. " and yours?". 

"im Louise, and they are my brothers Oliver and Dave." I later found out that the girl was my age and we had alot in common. When we reached their home, i was overdosed with astonishment. The childrens mother came up to me Dave and Olly and said "do you mind if we talk to you dear" she was looking at me but i got the hint she wanted all three of us. "yeah". The mother was a tall white woman with golden brown hair and light blue eyes, the beautiful dimples on her face complimented her loving and caring appearance.As for her husband, he was a bit taller than her and had black hair and big dark brown eyes. He had  a thin beard and big light pink lips, he looked abit like a pedo to me, but i soon realised he was a well behaved man and a good father. "Ok honey do not panic at all what so ever" She said to me, reason? i guess it was because i was the oldest. she continued"we will give you fresh, clean clothes, let you have a shower and clean yourselves and will feed you before making arrangements for someone to look after our kids and taking off to the police station, is that alright with you?" I was absolutely flabberghasted at how she said all of this so cassually but i didnt want to cause trouble so with that, i agreed.Hey, atleast we were going to be fed.After a few hours of laughter and entertainment with our new friends, Valerie and Micheal, Gloria their mum came into the room and called me and my brothers to come with her. I gladfully agreed and told Olly Dave to follow me. She led us into this giant siiting room with huge oak furniture , the caramell coloured floor was polished to perfection, i was overcome with amusement and fascination.Gloria walking across the room towards the cupboard, Clickety clock clickety went her high heels. She leaned down the giant cupboard, rumgaging through what i assumed to be clothes for my brothers and I. She whipped out 3 sets of clothes and handed out the appropriated ones to each of us according to size, i guess she gave Dave one of the clothes that Micheal had grown out of because they were pretty small. To the boys, she handed them both long sleaved tops, jeans and a fresh pair of  socks. I got the same, but girlier. "you kids stay here and change we will come back once you are ready.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 23.05.2015

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Widmung:
To everyone who has suffered from child abuse.

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