Copyright
A Blessing in Disguise
Copyright © 2015 by Kristen E. Fox
Cover Design Copyright © 2015 by Molly Greenwald
Edited by Mel Kenaston & Krishana Kraft
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Printed in the United States of America
First Printing, 2015
ISBN-13:
978-0990908401
ISBN-10:
0990908402
kristenfox1982@gmail.com
Foxton Publishing
Dedication
Dedicated to my amazing family. Thank you Tim, Cynthia and Kevin Fox for supporting and loving me through everything. I would not be here, if it were not for you three.
Forward
Contributions from my family.
Written by Tim Fox, my daddy.
You are in for a treat. I realize I may have a slightly biased opinion, but I hear and see this all the time from people that have the opportunity to interact with my daughter. I stopped by to see her at work last week and I was sitting in a chair in the central office area, where her desk is located, patiently waiting while she handled clients that needed her assistance. The United Parcel Service (UPS) delivery man stopped by the office just to give Kristen a hug. He had no packages to deliver, but in the few short months Kristen has worked at this establishment she has already had a major impact on this middle-aged African American. He calls her Sunshine. The clients in the office will ask me if I am her father and when I proudly say yes, they immediately pour on praise and gratitude for Kristen. Although it may seem like I am overstating Kristen’s impact, I can assure you I am not.
Why does she affect people in this way? It is because she has a genuine concern for everyone’s welfare and she wants to have a positive impact on every person’s life. The UPS deliveryman has captured it in a single word…Sunshine. Her goal is bring hope, healing and yes, a little sunshine into every person she meets. Kristen’s sincerity and concern for others are as natural to her as breathing is to you or me. However, this gift has been shaped and molded through the crucible of pain and suffering.
Kristen has suffered since childbirth from a chronic digestive disorder, which has steadily gotten worse as she has gotten older. This condition has caused her great physical pain, but it has also resulted in psychological and emotional pain as well. Can you imagine going through your adolescent and young adult years with a condition like this plaguing you on a daily basis? Some of you reading this book can relate because you are going through or have gone through your own personal ‘wilderness’ experience. If this describes your situation then this book will encourage you to “press on!” despite your obstacles or challenges. Maybe you haven’t been through a valley as dark and dreary as described here, but you are still searching for significance and a meaning for your life. I have good news for you as well. This book will lead you to the One that can fill that void in your inner being. It will lead you to the Living Water that will quench your thirst for eternity. Kristen has found peace and rest in the arms of her Heaven Father and through the redemptive work of Jesus Christ, who died and rose again for everyone…no matter what you have done or the pain and suffering you face. My prayer is that you too will leave your burden at the foot of the cross and receive the Gift from heaven that permeates this book.
I personally want to thank all the family and friends that have prayed for Kristen, stopped by for a visit, sent her encouraging notes or texts, or given her a call to brighten her day. We know this painful journey she is on requires a team effort, and there are so many faithful individuals who have supported Kristen for years. Your sustained persistence, coupled with our Heavenly Father’s strength and grace, have been a major influence in Kristen’s life. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! May God bless you for your own personal sacrifice on Kristen’s behalf.
To my daughter, Kristen. I am so proud of you! Taking on the challenge of writing and self-publishing a book seems ominous to me. You have always been a gifted writer. This attribute, coupled with your willingness to share your deepest feelings and be vulnerable with others, has resulted in a winning combination that will have a tremendous impact on all who read through these pages. You are and always will be my Little Princess. I am so thankful that I have had the privilege to be your father/King.
So, for those fortunate enough to have received a copy of this book, get a hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate, find a cozy chair and a warm blanket, and let this book pour life, encouragement and sunshine into your life.
Written by Cynthia Fox, my mommy.
Trust. Believing. Hoping. Words of life. The battle Kristen has encountered is extreme. The thoughts, actions and determination have either lifted her up or torn her down. These days, presently, she is living-NEVER GIVE UP! Why? She knows He dances over her. She knows without His compassion and kindness life would not be worth living. She has seen Him in many ways, but more recently in the 'little' things. The beauty of a sunrise or sunset. The ability to move, smell, and touch. The joy of seeing a bluebird or bunny during her day. The happiness that comes from knowing God and being known by Him. Restlessness comes and goes. Worry tries to control her, but fear of the 'what ifs' is slowly being left behind. She knows Whose hands are wrapped around her. Her life is His! She has walked many roads of discouragement but has chosen not to stay there. She is asking, seeking and knocking and she is finding rest for her soul in Him and Him alone. I'm proud of you Kristen and thank God for the example you are to me and many, many other lives. May you daily glorify Him-the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! Jesus, your everything!
Written by Kevin Fox, my little brother.
When I was first asked to write this for you, so many ideas ran through my head. I have so much to say! How could I write everything I want to say, without writing another book? Well Kristen, you are one heck of a woman. You have gone through mental battles that would wreck the strongest of minds. You have gone through pain, both physical and verbal, and yet you still push through. You have graduated from your dream college, even after spending a year in the hospital. You are still in pursuit of your dream of becoming a Physician Assistant. Kristen you have consistently gone to battle, and you have consistently won. The world has given you some scars, it has knocked you down, spit on you and it has continued to walk by; but hey, what’s life without a few scars? What’s life without a fight? I know that this life has been rough on you, and it isn’t done yet. We are a family of rag tag foxes. We live messy, rough lives. We are always there for each other, and will do anything to take care of one another. We foster, nurture, and love anything or anyone that we come in contact with. Kristen, you have surpassed all of the expectations that were put in front of you. Everyone that is lucky enough to be in your life will leave with a full spirit of joy. Here’s to the dreamers, so here’s to you. Keep living with radiant joy and I will be with you. In front, to fight off your physical attackers, by your side, to fight off the spiritual, and behind you, supporting you when you feel as if there is nothing more for you in this life. I am proud to be your brother. Thank you for making my life worth living.
-Kev
Preface
I started writing these essays, which comprise A Blessing in Disguise, as a research project for school. It was my senior year of college. I was working as a volunteer research assistant for a woman who was studying the lives of children living with cystic fibrosis in order to study the impact that a chronic disease has on their life. She gave these kids video cameras and asked them to record their lives. Then the other research assistants and I would transcribe the videos for her. During a team meeting, she asked us why we thought many kids didn’t records the aspects of their lives that showed them receiving treatments or taking their medication for their cystic fibrosis. The majority of the assistants said it was because the kids were embarrassed or shy. However, I spoke up and said I believed the kids were trying to record their “normal people” activities because they didn’t want to be defined by their disease. The kids wanted to show they could still live normal lives even though they suffered from a disease. Many of the other research assistants shot down my theory and said that it didn’t make sense. I held my tongue because I feared if I said anything else I’d get too emotional.
The next time I worked on the videos I told the woman running the program that I could do more than transcribe videos. I expressed that I didn’t have cystic fibrosis, but I did grow up with a chronic gastrointestinal (stomach) disease. If she desired, I could write essays about my own experience with a chronic disease. She agreed and I wrote my first essays for her on September 25, 2013.
From there I continued writing about different aspects of my disease and posted each essay on my CaringBridge site. For those who don’t know about CaringBridge, I describe it as Facebook for sick people. On your site, you can post updates. People can visit your site to find out about your health battle instead of you having to call, text or e-mail everyone with your latest health news. My surrogate grandma, Mel Kenaston, was the first person to suggest that I put the essays into a book. I laughed and said that there was no way I could write a book. I majored in Health Science and minored in Spanish. I didn’t have formal writing training and knew nothing about the publishing process. Furthermore, I didn’t think any publisher would even take a second look at my work. However, Grandma Kenaston didn’t give up and insisted that I try. She told me that I could send my essays to her husband’s second cousin, Janis Harris, publisher at Tyndale House Publishers. I finally agreed and sent the essays.
Two weeks later, in February of 2014, I had an e-mail from Mrs. Harris. She told me that an editor read my essays and said I could very well publish a book, but needed to write more before this became feasible. This news excited me, but I wanted to focus on graduating from college, before I thought about whether or not I would actually publish a book.
Months passed, I continued writing as ideas came and posted each essay to my CaringBridge site. I received feedback from various people who read the essays. Many asked me to put my essays into a published book. I still wasn’t keen about a publishing venture, but realized God may have a different idea in His mind and He was using other people to convey His plan to me.
After graduating from the University of Florida in May 2014, I explored the publishing world. The first decision I had to make was whether I needed to find a literary agent to help me publish through a publishing company or if I wanted to embark on the self-publishing route. I chose the latter option.
As months passed, I prayed, sought counsel and received help from many different sources. I also continued writing during this entire time span. My writing started to diverge from what it’s like to live with a chronic disease to topics I was contemplating like how to find happiness or peace in sadness or the discouragement of depression. However, those essays are for another time and aren’t found here.
During this entire process, from September 25, 2013 to December 15, 2014, I realized writing has been therapeutic for me. I had feelings and emotions I didn’t know I held on to that I have subsequently let go of during this process. I simultaneously began praying that God would allow me to trust His absolutely, perfect timing and stop basing my hopes on grades, school acceptances, test results, etc. By summer 2014, I could feel a change in myself. I recognized that health-wise, I was sicker than I had ever been in the past, yet I was also more at peace with life than I’d ever been before. My parents and friends told me the anger they had sensed simmering beneath the surface was no longer there and my eyes held a peace they hadn’t seen before. God has been at work in my life— the writing I thought I was doing to benefit others, has actually changed me.
Section 1
The Disease
Introduction
January 22, 2012
It was merely a box of mac and cheese. It represented a quick and easy meal in the eyes of a college student or a busy mom, but an exciting treat for a little kid. However, for me, it symbolized hope. A reminder that someday I’d be able to eat this classic meal again because I’d win the battle I struggled to fight.
After completing my freshman year at the University of Florida, I came home (June 2011) excited to enjoy a Colorado summer with my family. I planned to work hard, so I could earn money for the upcoming school year and also take advantage of the neat opportunities Colorado presented. I worked as a CNA (certified nurse assistant), usually working six to seven days a week, six- to ten-hours-a-day. I competed in my first ten-mile and half marathon races. I climbed my first “14er” (a mountain peak exceeding 14,000 feet) with my daddy. I was at peak physical health. However, within a few months, my body changed so drastically that I could no longer complete any of these activities.
All my life I struggled with gastrointestinal (GI) complications. As a baby, I was labeled colicky. Time passed and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) was my diagnosis. The older I became, the harder it became to eat food. There was no rhyme, reason or pattern.
I have never been able to eat apples, tomatoes or things high in sugar. Digestion of these foods would cause a severe sensitivity where I would vomit for hours on end. When I entered high school, however, my food choices became more limited. Food high in fats and fibers would soon cause the same reaction. I would eat a salad and thirty minutes later I would vomit pieces of lettuce. It was difficult, but I learned to adjust. I thought I had reached the hardest point of my life; that I had climbed the mountain and could finally enjoy the view. Little did I know I had only climbed a foothill.
During the end of my first summer home from college, the pain I had when eating increased tenfold. I was forced to eat two meals a day but only in the evening. I would eat one meal around five or six o’clock in the evening and then another meal around ten or eleven o’clock at night. I only ate at night because the pain after eating was so severe that I couldn’t function during the day. Nevertheless, most days I wasn’t hungry when I needed to eat. I felt like I had eaten only a few hours beforehand. After eating I became so bloated that I looked like I was pregnant. Many times, I’d vomit food that I had eaten the previous night. This endless cycle continued for several weeks and I knew I needed to immediately contact my doctor.
The doctor ordered a gastric-emptying study (a study which measures how long it takes for food to empty out of your stomach) and the results came back severely abnormal. Because of these results, I had a G-J tube (gastro-jejunal tube-a tube which is surgically placed into your stomach and then threaded into your small intestine) placed inside me. I was released from the hospital a few days after its placement and told I should be fine to go home and eat and drink. However, when I tried to eat and drink, I began to vomit violently. I figured maybe my body was stressed and needed to adjust. Sadly, I was wrong. Over the next few days, whenever I tried to eat or drink anything I would vomit thirty minutes later. I had to be readmitted to the hospital for dehydration. This was when I realized I now climbed the mountain.
Throughout the next week, the doctors discovered I needed to have water added to my formula so I could stay hydrated while being fed. During the next few months, I readjusted to my new form of “eating” and “drinking.” Nevertheless, I continued to lose weight and reached a state of severe malnutrition. My 101lb. frame, at the beginning of the summer, had been reduced to an emaciated 78 lb. body. I was readmitted to the hospital because if I progressed further in the wrong direction my life would come to an abrupt halt.
So now we come to the present (January 2012), as I sit in the hospital, my fate is still undetermined. I’m in an extreme state of malnutrition and I can’t eat or drink anything by mouth, but I’m still climbing my mountain because giving up has never been an option. My family and friends have stood by my side helping me every step of the way. People ask me how I cope and the honest answer is I can’t cope alone. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is my strength, and those I love, encourage me on a daily basis.
Many ask what it’s like to want to eat but to be unable to. I crave food, my mouth waters at enticing smells, and I have dreams about being able to eat. I want it so badly, but my body reacts to food like I consumed poison. The best way to put it is this: Imagine your favorite appetizer, entrée or dessert. Imagine how it smells, tastes and looks. Next imagine eating it. Savoring every single morsel. You feel fine after consuming it, but within fifteen minutes you start to feel weird. A tinge of nausea comes on, like maybe it wasn’t cooked right or maybe a bad ingredient was mixed into the dish. A little later you have full-blown nausea. Your hands are sweaty and you feel jittery and shaky on the inside. Then it feels as though someone is punching you in the stomach while simultaneously trying to inflate your stomach like a balloon. The pain is excruciating and unbearable. All you want to do is curl up in a ball and wish it all away.
It doesn’t stop there. Within thirty or forty-five minutes that delicious item you just ate is in your mouth again, just this time it’s on its way out of your body instead of in. Funny though, at this point, all you want to do it is vomit. You want to purge yourself of whatever is making you feel like you’re in hell. You want to be far from it. Soon the vomiting stops, but the pain doesn’t. You still feel nauseous but nothing else will come up. You’re weak and shaking from the stress your body endured.
Then stage two comes: You feel whatever food, which made it into your intestines, coursing its way through them, as if there is something alive inside of you. Moving throughout your abdomen. As it moves it appears to expand your intestines, pushing your abdomen out, causing you to look like you’re pregnant. You pace back and forth, hoping that physical stimulation will move things through quicker. It may work and it may not, but anything is worth a try.
Finally, hours later you start to experience some relief. During that time, you’ll vomit a few more times. Sadly, depending on the size of your treat you may continue to feel horrible for the next twelve hours. Sure, some relief will come in four to five hours, but total relief won’t happen for twelve hours, when your stomach and intestines are fully empty. By twelve hours, though, you realize your body needs more fuel so that you can survive and the malicious cycle repeats itself.
That is how I lived my life last summer. Every day I went through this vicious cycle until I got my G-J tube. Soon after I got the tube, the old cycle switched and a new cycle began where I vomited anything I ate or drank within the hour. Hence, it became pointless to eat since I retained zero calories and probably expended calories through vomiting.
I crave food every day. The body’s need for food is so strong that you still desire that which causes you so much pain. Sometimes to stay sane I chew food and spit it back out to remember what it tastes like. I look forward to the day when I can eat once again and my food will actually stay down and move through my system pain-free. Whether that day will ever come is still to be determined. I can tell you this one thing though: I will not give up, no matter the pain or the agony. They say that in order to enjoy the view you may have to struggle up the mountain. Well, I’m determined to enjoy the view and one day soon that box of mac and cheese will transform itself into a comforting meal for me.
Fear of a Cure
September 26, 2013
You’re healed, they tell me. Healed! My heart jumps with surprise. I’m healed? How? I thought I would be like this forever. I thought they didn’t know what to do. I thought this disease was undiagnosed and incurable. Healed? Really? I’ve heard that before, but then things get worse. Can I believe it this time? If I get my hopes up will they come crashing down like the other times? What happens now that I’m cured? Can I ever be normal? Do they understand that I’m still scarred? Even though I may be cured, I’m still left with horrible scars. This disease impacted me in ways they don’t understand! The most painful scars are buried deep inside
Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG Texte: Kristen Fox Alle Rechte vorbehaltenImpressum
Bildmaterialien: Molly Greenwald
Lektorat: Krishana Kraft, Mel Kenaston
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.01.2015
ISBN: 978-3-7368-7061-1