My heart pounding in my chest, the tears burning my cheeks. The distant sound of laughter, I can still feel their hands on my skin. What did I do to deserve this? How many times do I have to be bullied until someone puts a stop to this? I will not take this anymore, I cant, I am scared, and I am hurt. I pull myself up off the bleachers and run off.

I run to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and grab my makeup bag.

“This is it... I have to do this again. However, this time I will succeed.” The warm metal between my fingers, I pull up my sleeve and stare at the scars and cuts I made earlier this week. I go toward my skin… Someone knocks on the door.

“Go away!” I say as tears stream down my face.

“I just want to make sure you are okay Adsila… just trying to be a friend you know.” It was Lomasi.

“I am fine. Just please leave me be. I will be back to class shortly.” That was close. I put up the blade and walked back to class.

“How do you know they weren’t playing around?” Martha says

“Because it hurt me, getting dragged down the bleachers with my legs open and my face covered by my own jacket! They wanted to see me cry. My friends were standing close by and they did not do anything! I woke up to bruises on my back the next day. I got bullied for the fifth time this year and nobody…” My voice shut off as I held back the tears.

“Nobody what?”

“Likes me. Cares about me. Everyone is against me.” I said as I get up to walk toward the door, but her words stop me dead in my tracks.

“You are right, Adsila. Nobody does.” I storm out but collapsed in tears and went out cold on the floor.

I awoke in the nurses’ office as she was standing beside me with a wet rag in her hand.

“What am I doing here?”

“You collapsed so I picked you up and brought you here. Maybe you were tired.”

“Yeah, I guess that happened. Can I leave now? I am fine.”

“Sure, but be careful next time. Don’t pass out on us again. You gave me a scare.” Ms. P said as she helped me up.

As I raced off the bus, Lomasi caught up to me.

“What happened between you and Martha? She said you were rude to her, she was crying when she walked into 7th period. I have never seen you act like this before Adsila, tell me what happened.”

“Why does it matter to you Lomasi? Stay out of this! I never thought you were so annoying until now!” I ran in the opposite direction from my house. I took off my shoes as I got to the creek, the damp dirt between my toes. The smell of wood and algae floating in the moist air. I throw my backpack on the ground by a tree Aiyana and I used to climb at the beginning of the school year.

“Middle school sucks… I wish she were still here. She kept me from doing stupid things.” The sight of the accident flashed before my eyes, the night she took her own life in this creek. The tree we used to climb, I found her dead the next day. I don’t know why she did it, but… I miss her so much.

“Aiyana, if you are still here… somehow… speak to me. I miss you so much. You saved my life. I might try…” I cannot keep speaking “she is not here” I tell myself. “I might try to take my life again. Aiyana, please, I need you.” I grab for my makeup bag again and I finally cut. A sense of relief took over my body. I walk back home, It is somewhere around ten.

“Adsila! Where have you been?” My mom hugs me with a moistened face from crying.

“I stayed after school to work for a project. Then I walked home, sorry it took so long” I lied.

“You scared me. I am glad you are safe. Please go to bed now, it’s a school night.”

I walk to the bus stop trying to keep my eyes open.

“Adsila wait up! Wait!” Lomasi, not her again, I stop and wait for her. Crap! I forgot to wear my jacket so I cross my arms.

“Hey, how are you doing? Sorry about…” She stares at my arms “Adsila, what did you do? Why did you do it?” She grabs a hold of my arms, and uncrosses them, twenty-four clean cuts eight for each friend of mine.

“Leave me alone, Lomasi! I am not in the mood.”

“Listen to me, I am your friend, I am trying to help you.” The memories come back, tears run down my face; I only have one thing on my mind, the creek. I tumble back home, grab some pills and head to the creek.

“I will never leave you Adsila, don't do anything stupid. I will always be by your side, day and night. Don't worry.” Aiyana used to say. Why did she leave me? All I did was walk into the creek, and found her hanging.

“Why did you leave me? Why, why, why? You always said you would be by my side! You are gone! But don't fear, I will be by your side again soon.” I took out the handful of pills from my makeup bag and set them on the rock in front of me.

“Stop! Do not do this Adsila!” I heard her voice say as I pop one pill in my mouth. One after another, twenty-three pills entered my stomach. I began hallucinating and pain entered my mind and body. I passed out only a few seconds after I felt my body shock with pain.

“Wake up honey, you will be alright. Dr. Smith you sure she will be okay?”

“Yes she will be, after we watch over her to make sure her Tylenol level goes down we will send her to a treatment hospital.” Dr. Smith said to my mother as I woke up slowly. I had an IV in my right arm. They transfer me onto a gurney and place me in an ambulance; I sleep all the way to the next hospital.

The place is a psychiatry hospital called T.L. Hospital.

“Look guys, there is a new girl.” One blonde girl said as people turned around and stared at me.

“Aye. Watch your movie or go to bed, it is already past your bed time.” The man said as he came to greet me. “Hello I am Quincy. What is your name?”

“Um... Adsila.” I said terrified. I want to start crying but people were watching me too closely.

“Sit down so I can take your vitals.” He said as I sat down in the turquoise chair by the door labeled “The Quiet Room”. I kept staring at the sign on the door until Quincy saw me. “That room is for the bad kids that are out of control. It is rare for people to be thrown in there. Now go sit down in the group.” I walked over to the chairs that were in the shape of a triangle, the group was watching ice age. Some girls were playing monopoly, some were talking, and the others were following me.

“What's your name? Why are you here? What did you do? Why is your arm wrapped up? Do you cut yourself?” Everyone asking me questions all at once.

“Leave her alone, go to bed.” Quincy says, trying to get them away.

He moves me to a room where I am alone, in darkness. Morning soon comes, the full moon slowly hidden by sunlight. The room is white, with barred up windows and a graveyard a few meters away from the building. There are two twin-sized beds in the room as I am sitting up in one I find a small sink on the opposite side of the room. I slowly walk toward the sink and find a messed up mirror that was screwed onto the wall. I leave the room to go eat breakfast with the group. Breakfast is served as we walk into the small kitchen; eight other girls were sitting in the room too. A blonde girl who looked like she just got high sat next to me introduced herself as “Erin” so I told her my name.

“Why are you here Adsila?” Erin said after she took a bite out of her “plastic” eggs.

“Suicide attempt and cutting, how about you?” I asked politely trying not to make eye contact, I was too busy looking at my food, and I cannot eat the stuff it looks like playdoh.

“Same stuff and drugs. I hope you get better soon Adsila, you seem really nice.” Like that, the conversation sparked, we ate together, and sat together, we talked for days.

“What was running through your head when you did it? Like were you scared?” She asked me with that curiosity look in her eyes as we watched planet of the apes.

“Yes, I was scared. I did not know what I was doing until after I did it. It was just plain terrifying, life slowly flashing before your eyes. I just… felt like no one cared if I died.” I was in tears after I spoke. “My friend told me I was right about nobody caring.”

“Well she is stupid. Your parents care and I care. You are a really cool girl who deserves the best in everything.” Erin says as she gets me a Kleenex. It was time for bed as she walked me to my room then disappeared down the hall to her room. I was being discharged in the morning, and felt more positive. I lay down in bed and thought about what Erin said, it made me smile to know someone cares. Morning came so quick it felt like one hour, Erin was standing by my door.

“Wake up sleepy head, your parents are here.” She sounded like she was choking on tears.

“Erin, get in here.” I whispered to her as she slowly walked in. I gave her a hug as I cried, we walked out of my room hand-in-hand until she stopped me before they unlocked the door for me to leave.

“Can you promise me one thing?” My heart shouted “anything” but I just slowly said “Yes, what is it?”

“To always remember people care and you are loved. And not to cut. Can you promise me that?” She said wiping tears off her cheeks.

“Yes, and can you promise me something?” I said smiling with tears running down my face. “To know you are loved every single day. And that I care about you.” She squeezed my hand as we stood there crying because our friendship will be split apart. “I will always keep my promise Erin,” I said as I walked out the door. I only had one thing on my mind, to forever keep my promise.

Impressum

Texte: Alexandria Leonard
Bildmaterialien: Alexandria Leonard
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 31.08.2012

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