A New Beginning

The night sky shines through the window pane, the wind whistles threw the crack under the door it sends chills through every part of my body, as it leaves, a pleasant sting takes over me. She walked up, and whispered in my ear, the words that stop the heart, tighten the throat and stings the tongue before escaping the lips, I love you

. Without hesitating or doubt, I replied I love you too

but my voice sounded so unsure. She looked at me with wondering eyes and smiled, as if she was afraid to now if my words were tainted with lies or if I was truly in love with her. To find the right words to tell her what she means to me, what her smile does for me, it would take a life time plus one. We lay on the bed her head on my chest slowly she drifted away to the beat of my heart, as I softly traced her face with the tip of my fingers, my mind wondered to a calm and peaceful place.

Do you know what it's like to feel happiness, to be warm and content, just from the look in her soft brown eyes I'd do. Her eyes are my happy place, her smile is my oasis, her presences is simply my blessing.

Looking down at the sleeping beauty on my chest I wonder how she could love a beast like me. How dose she look past who I've been, what I've done? I’m only 15 years old, but the heart that beats inside is old and tired, tired of breaking, tired of hurting, worn down from expecting better, drained from hoping things would change. The world weighs heavy on my shoulders and I am still young, I thought I would have years before I had to be an adult. I worry about things like bills, I think of what I could do to get our next meal on the table. I felt exultant at one point in my life, I had everything a kid would want but as I got older I watched as it all slipped away and now it seems like I have nothing, and struggling just to have nothing makes it hard to smile on your own.
Everyone I’ve been around, I watch as they walk on a thin line, I watched the people around me hit rock bottom time and time again. I began to believe that’s the way it should be, so like them I hit the ground hard. The face of reality was blurry and hard to read so I ignored it. I stayed on the fast track to no where, because it was what I knew it was the way life was supposed to be, a party. Life was going to hell in a hand basket and I was going to have fun on the way down. The people I called my friends my family, told me wrong was right, they always talked me in to going one step farther. I took so many steps forward, I had trouble finding my way back.

Flash Back

My life began March 31,1996 I was born in the Bay Area, I live in Half Moon Bay for two years. My parents and I bounced from house to house, city to city, trailer to trailer even a van for some time, and amazingly threw it all me and my parents came closer. My parents and I moved to Boulder Creek, halfway through kindergarten we moved to North Fork we lived a really good life in this little town, I had toys and friends, I got what I wanted, I could do what I wanted when I wanted with my parents. We would go out and do things we can’t do now. In the third grade we moved back to the Bay Area to San Bruno.
We lived there for about 11 months until my Father got hurt on the job, he tore his rotator cuff and got calcium deposit in his shoulder and couldn’t work, after that everything started to fall out of place. We had to move back to North Fork to the trailer park were my dad fell in to a deep depression, the injury that caused him to lose his job, brought him more then pain, it was so different for him not having money, not having to wake up in the morning and going to work, things looked bleak, a gray cloud hovered above us. When we thought things might be getting better our only car got stolen, so we sat back and watched as the cloud grew. From the trailer park we moved to an old friend of ours David, we spent a few years with him, until he stole two of our motorcycles. We moved to Old Central Camp, we moved around those areas there because of the forestry and the PG&E kept kicked us out.
After a while of bouncing around we moved to Willow Canyon were a group of druggies stayed because a drug dealer live somewhere in the area. On day a family friend stop by and introduced us to a woman named Tammy, when we got to know her we got close and she let us move in with her at the Pines until my mom slipped while making tacos for her family and crushed a disk in her lower back. When all our money ran out Tammy wasn’t able to get the heroin she needed, so all hell broke lose with her and my parents so we left. By the time we got out of her house our trailer we lived in had been towed it was there for two long and I guess became a burden, so my Moms sister Les gave us a van so we could get place to place and my parents could try to find a job. So we ended up moving in to our small van. The three of us lived in that van for about 6 months, half way through that my parents separated and I lived with my mom in the van until we moved in with a lesbian woman named Kat.
We lived there off and on between our van and her house until her brother started yelling at her for always having people over, so we moved back to the van. My Father came back and my parents worked there problems out, we were a family again, the cloud above us didn’t look as dark as it had been. We went back up to the Mammoth pool trailer park were we lived for about another three months in the van. I was able to sleep inside my friend Alex’s house. About a month down the road his brother lost his belt and blamed me for stealing it, he broke things all through the trailer and yelled, until his mom asked me to leave. He found his belt a week later under his clothes in his room.
My Father got the idea to go canning, digging in the trash for recyclables sounded desperate but at that point I guess we were. After canning for two or three months, the boss of CLM (California Land Management) saw my parents digging in a dumpster, He asked them “Would you rather dig threw trash or Would you like a job?”, My parents said yes and just like that they got a job cleaning the bathrooms and collecting money from the people that parked there. About a month of my parents working and canning we moved in with Jessica and her family, until CLM got us a spot at Smally Cove. Smally Cove was way down Aubrey Road, we lived for almost 3 years if felt like we had a home but the original bosses moved away and the new boss came in, he didn't like my dad from the day they met, he tried kicking us out for everything but he couldn't, or so we thought.

Her

We had to move again, we moved in with Larry and his wife, we lived there for a couple of months. I had to act like things were okay but everyone could tell that I wasn’t happy, I smoked cigarets to kill my anger, I drink to hide the pain and I smoked weed to make it feel like I was really okay. I took, smoked, and snorted morphine and I didn't care, nothing bothered me, nothing was wrong. I started to hang out with a girl I’ve known for years, she made me laugh and smile. I’ve been with other girls in my life but they never made me happy, they were only company more friends then anything, until they cased of my pain they cheated on me, they used me, and lied to me, I felt special

. Even my serious relationships ended in regret and broken trust.
When I got with Amber, I wondered if it was going to be like everything else in my life, unsure. I wondered how long she would stay or how bad would she hurt me. We’ve known each other for about six or seven years, I alway’s liked her but I never thought it would become anything. Amber wanted to know if my party would ever end if I would ever give up my high. Four months into our relationship my Mother had to go through back surgery; she died twice on the table, but she made it threw, seeing my Mom the way she was, in pain and suffering, the look on her face, the pain in her eyes, she looked at me like she wished she would die. I wanted to help her I wanted her to be better.
I drove my self insane, I went into a depression stage that came out in rage, I looked for a way out, I way to calm my pain and to mellow my anger and Amber stayed with me, and helped me through it all. After 6 months of us being together I fell in-love with her, and my party ended, the high was easier to give up then having watching her leave. Eight months into our relationship things started to get bumpy we started fighting and I thought I was going to lose her. She said she would spend our whole relationship showing me that I had no reason to worry, "Everyone has problems, and I'm not one for walking away when things get hard"

.My angel, she saved me the one that made me better, I'll do what ever it takes to prove to you that you my love can tame the beast in me.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.12.2011

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