Chapter One
I grunted loud, pain stabbed through my chest.
Is this what its like being in Hell? I thought to myself.
i winced.
"Jinx, Jinx." someone was calling my name.
I stirred for a moment then slowly opened my eyes.
I saw familiar faces, Jordan, Chelsea, Leah, and then him.. Kyle..
I looked down, Kyle was holding my hand.
I glanced up at him, completely dazed.
"Jinx.. why did you do that?" he choked out.
"Oh Kyle i don't know." i whispered started tearing up.
"Don't cry, your going to be okay thats all that matters right now" Kyle said as he wiped a tear from my cheek.
He kissed my forehead, lovingly.
"how long was i knocked out for?"
"A couple of days.."
He grabbed my hand and intwined our fingers together.
I looked at Jordan.
"what are you doing here?"
" I am sorry about what happened. i know i was a big part of it." Jordan whispered.
"You didn't know what could happen. You couldnt see the future." i whispered back.
Kyle sat on the edge of my bed and stared at me. Then he turned his gaze to the floor and started tearing up.
"Jinx I was so scared the doctor said you weren't going to make it. It was a miracle, an absolute miracle that you made it."
Kyle started crying.
"if you werent able to make it.. i wouldnt be here."
Kyle's tears dropped onto my hands.
"Don't grieve over the past, i am still here, i am not going anywhere."
He sniffed acouple of times as i reached up and wiped his tears gently away.
"I love you."
"I love you too." he leaned in and kissed me.
When we both pulled away, i nuzzled into his chest.
His scent.. so delicious. I could almost taste it.
Leah cleared her throat loudly.
"I hope you feel better Jinxie." Leah smiled at me.
I smiled back.
"thank you."
I layed bak down and snuggled into the covers.
Kyle gently ran his hands through my hair.
"You better get some sleep. you used a lot of energy. Even though you just by talking" kyle said to me.
He was right, i was exhausted.
" i will come back as soon as you wake up."
I pouted and looked at him.
"Stay with me." i whined.
He looked down at me smiled.
"I will sit down and read a book then I will be by you side when you wake up." He grinned and kissed me.
I nodded and drifted off to sleep.

Chapter two

My eyes fluttered open.
I sat up and looked around.
"Kyle?" I whispered.
"He's in the bathroom." said a nurse as she walked out.
Kyle appeared in the doorway.
I swung my legs over the bed, got out, and slowly walked over to him.
It was a fight from falling over.
"Jinx, don't. Sit back down." he ordered me.
I kept walking at granny pace.
"Jinx.."
I shook my head as I reached him.
He stood about acouple of feet away and my legs were already wobbling..
The more they shook the harder it was to walk.
My legs gave up on me.
I fell to the ground, Kyle dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around me.
He helped me to my feet, i clung to him tightly and nuzzled my face into his chest.
"Kyle i love you." my voice was all muffled.
"I love you too Jinx." he whispered. "But you must sit down, you arent strong enough yet.
I sighed, i didnt want to sit down, i wanted to stay in his arms forever.
But i gave up easily, i didnt have any energy in me to argue with him.
I sat in one of the love seats in the room.
I looked up at him, eyes pleading for him to sit next to me.
He smiled.
"Kyle i need you in my life."I whispered.
"I need you too Jinx."
I smiled and closed my eyes.
There was a knock at the door, my mom and dad came through.
Kyle held me close as if protecting me.
"Hey honey, the nuse said you were up." Mom said.
I nodded.
"Youre getting out of the hospital in a week, then the following week youre going back to school. " she continued.
I blinked and then nodded.
"Arent you going to say something?"
I blinked then turned my head in the opposite direction.
My mom started to whimper for a while.
"My daughter won't talk to me" she cried.
My dad patted her back and took her out of the room, shutting the door.
"Why didnt you talk to her, you made her cry?" Kyle exclaimed.
"I know, I didnt want to talk to them, i just wanted to talk to you."
"But.."
"Look, i just didnt want to talk to them, let alone anyone." i said quietly.
I looked at his eyes, begging him to understand.
He sighed.
"Jinx you made your mother cry." he told me again.
Everyone cries, but only some people take it far enough to suicide.
I started to blank out about old memories.
But i will never forget what i did.


Chapter three

Two weeks later i got out of the hospital and im going back to school.
Only people dumb enough would really believe i was sick. If only people in my school were dumb enough , i wouldnt have to deal with people staring at me.

********

I walked into school staring at the ground. The hall went quiet and my stomach filled with butterflies. I wrapped my hands around myself to keep myself from collapsing.
When i looked up, Kyle was standing by my locker.
People just looked at me and stared.
I saw Kyle beckon me over.
I smiled and ran into his arms.
"Kyle people wont stop staring at me, i dont want attention." i whined.
"Jinx im sorry you have to ignore it okay?" Kyle whispered.
His arms went automatically around my waist trying to comfort me and sooth me.
I smiled slightly.
I go over to my locker and dial my combonation. Getting my books without people staring at me was tough, i wanted to back to being invisible.
"Jinx." said a familiar voice.
I spin around. It was Crystal.
She was a natural beauty, among many of my emo friends she was one of the prettiest.
She hurled herself at me. i almost fell over. She wrapped her arms around me in a firm grip.
"Jinx i was so scared." her eyes welled up in tears.
"I thought you weren't going to make it." Crystal wept and she never cries.
I patted her back then wrapped my arms around her.
"I'm here, im not going anywhere."
Lies...
She sniffed, i pulled away and whiped her tears away.
Kyle took my hand again.
"You know you should go to therapy, i dont want you to try anything again." Kyle whispered.
The bell rang for homeroom.
Crystal took one last glance at me then went to homeroom.
I looked at Kyle with puppy eyes.
"Dont leave me.."
He kissed my cheek lightly.
"I wont" he whispered.
We walked together to homeroom holding hands.
I saw Leah standing against a desk flirting with Derrick, her boyfriend.
She spotted me and smiled wide.
Kyle and Derrick pounded fists while Leah and I gave eachother a hug.
I studied Leah's outfit.
Something was off...
"Did you get a haircut?"
Leah's smile widened.
"Yes, and i got carmel colored high lights." She pointed out.
I blinked.
"I didnt even notice them! They look so pretty.
I smirked...kind of.

******

After we read the daily announcements, i got called down to guidence.
My stomach was in a huge knot.
I didnt want the bell to first period to ring. i didnt want to go to the guidence office.
"Kyle i dont want to go im scared.." i whimpered.
He rubbed my back.
"it will be okay hun." Kyle smiled.
My heart leapt.
I smiled.

Chapter four

When the bell rang, i got scared. My stomach was tied in a knot and my legs wouldnt cooperate.
Kyle grabbed my hand and gently tugged me to the guidence.
My stomach did a flip flop.
i stepped into the office and Mrs. Marie was waiting for me.
I wrapped my arms around my upper stomach. i had a sick feeling, the feeling you get before you vomit.
"Jinx come sit down" she said as i closed the door behind me. I sat down the farthest i could from her.
"Your mother has called and has informed me about what has happened. im terribly sorry that you feel that way. But i recommend that you should go to a therapist." she told me.
I sat there blankly.s
"Jinx are you there?"
Once again I sat there blankly, staring into her eyes.
"Are you going to speak to me?" she asked.
I shook my head after a 2 minute delay.
She lifted her hand to touch my shouldr, i flinched away.
"Are you scared of people? Scared that they will hurt you again?" she whispered.
i nodded slowly.
She sighed and started to babble some more.
I wasnt paying attention to her. she was more talking to herself.
She clapped her hands together ans looked at me.
"I have this group called Salvaging sisterhood. its where we talk about problems id love it if you joined." she smiled politely. "you want to join?"
I nodded slowly.
"Okay we meet every time you have gym which is every day. we meet in the auditorium.
I blinked at her.
"the next meeting is today 5th period." she gave me the information. I nodded.
She looked at me and sighed.
She handed me a journal, which was black and leatherbound.
"Write whatever you want in it." she said.
I nodded a thank you and held the journal close to my chest.
She scribbled me a late pass and handed it to me.
I snatched it, opened the door and ran out.
My mind was spinning.
Instead of going back to class, i went to the girls bathroom locked the door. and sat in a corner.
i wrote:

I guess this could be considered writing down my feelings. the thing is i cant deal with pain, i fall into depressions arms once again and im a goner. i want to stop writing now. i exposed so much in the first entry.
- Lonelysoul

Writing felt good.


Chapter five

Fifth period, was my first Salvaging Sisterhood meeting.
I sat in the auditorium with a group of 6 girls. including Mrs. Marie and i.
"We have a new group member, everyone this is Jinx. "
They all turned there heads to face me and smiled creepily all at the same time.
My lips twitched. It was a start to smiling.
"Girls we have a an activity id like to introduce to you." Dhe pulled out a plastic jar filled with little pieces of paper. "You take one and read the question."d
we all nodded.
Chelsea raised her hand to go first.
"When a boy breaks up with you, you feel heart broken. How do you deal with it?"
My mind started to blank.
The world slowed and everything blurred.
My palms started to sweat, my heart pounded and my head started realling.
I have not forgotten what i done, nor will i ever.
It was hell.
Knowing what i had done has hauntme.
Like my wrongs staring at me constantly, reminding me of what i had don.
"Jinx do you have anything to say?" mrs. Marie asked me, breaking me from my reverie.
I had blanked out for a while.
My mind was racing. Memories flew by my eyes like speeding cars.
"Jinx are you going to say anything?"
My eyes filled up with tears.
Jordan..
Images flashed through my mind faster then lightning.
The pain..
Its coming back..
No..
I must escape it..
I can't bare this pain much longer..
Black clouds started flaming my field of view.
Before depression could grab ahold of me, I ran out of the auditorium, crying.


Chapter six

It was like Satan was taunting me, having his cronies follow me around.
Taunting the hell out of me, not leaving me alone.
Reminding me of i have done. Haunting me.
I ran into the bathroom and locked s
I sat in the corner and cried hysterically.
"Why did he hurt me.. " i wailed.
"I loved him so much, and he just broke my heart.." i cried.
There was a knock at the door, someone wanted to come in.
My throat closed up and i almost started oto have a coughing fit.
"Jinx its Kyle. someone told me you ran in here please come out.."
I slowly got up and out of the corner . I unlocked the door and hurled myself into his loving arms.
Wake me up from this nightmare. i thought.
He held me for a long time without saying a word.
"Jinx whats wrong?" Kyyle whispered to me.
"Nothing."
He gave me a disbelieving look but said no more.
I started to shake as i begun to cry.
"Oh baby..."he held me closer to his body.
"Tell me whats wwrong i want to help." he looked concerned.
"I dont deserve to live baby. i shouldve died when i threw myself infront of the car.."
Kyle looked spellbound.
"I dont understand why you say that. You deserve life. you do.."
I cried.
I shook my heard crying.
"I dont deserve to live.. i dont i dont i dont!" before i knew it i was screaming
"i dont deserve to be loved. i deserve to die alone and be miserable."
"Jinx please..."Kyles voice cracked like he was going to cry.
His eyes teared up and he started whimpering.
Before i could say anything tlo help or calm him down, Kyle started to cry hysterically.
"Kyle please dont cry please..."
i reached out for him
He collapsed into my arms.
"I dont want to loose you. I cant i love you so much." the platinum blonde emo boy cried.
"I love you too" i clutched onto him for dear life.
He wept on my shoulder for a long time which felt like hours.
"I want to go home." Kyle said.
"Ill go with you." i grabbed ahold of his hand.
He nodded at me and called his mom to pick him up.

*******

His brother picked us up in his black mustang which was blasting Drop Dead Gorgeous' "Dressed for friend request"

See through the wreckage..
Into the fire..
inside my heart...

The music was so loud the car vibrated. Kyle and i clambered into the back and held eachother.

She's dressed to kill..
i dont know what to wear..
shes dressed to kill..
shes dressed to kill..

I held him closer to me.
"Hey love birds no making out in my car." his brother Adam yelled over the music.
"Adam can you drop us off at Jinx's house?" Kyle asked his preppy brother


Chapter seven

We walked into my house, no one was home.
It was just him and i.
"Kyle.. " i reached out for him.
He grabbed my hand and brought me into his chest.
I couldnt smile, if i could i wouldve.
But when i tried, it came out as a lip twitch.
Kyle looked at me stanglely.
"Jinx why cant you smile? I want to see that beautiful smile of yours." he whispered.
"I.. i just cant." i said.
Kyle winced as if he knew he unspoken answer of why.
The painful memory was so vivid. He moved cloer to me as if protecting me.
" i want you to smile again, my love. and if that means going to therapy then go."
i shivered.
the thought of therapy was terrifying.
i cringed.
"I know baby it will be okay. i will wait outside every therapy lesson for you." Kyle soothed.
We intwined fingers.
I really did try not to cry, but those memories.
Tears started trickling down my cheeks.
"Why, Kyle why?" i cried.
He started tearing up as well.
"I dont know." Kyle started lose you crying harder then i was. "I cant itll ruin me." he wailed.
I held him tightly trying to ease his tears.
After a while he started to sniffle and breath easier.
Kyle held me so tiht it cut off my breathing.
"why did you run out of the salvaging sisterhood thing?" he questioned me.
"We were playing a game of asking questions and one of the quesions brought back old memories."
"if you ever feel like that you better get your ass to the phone and call me." Kyle said sternly.
I nodded and snuggled into him.
"Take a nap, you look tired." he whispered and kissed my cheek.
I fell down into a deep slumber. Down..Down i fell..
into hell...

Chapter Eight

Surrounded by white light i floated into nothingness.
I was in upright position. i was cloaked in what look like a black cloak and hood that was covering my face.
My legs were locked together and i was clasping a black rose.
The white light disappeared and i was surrounded by a hill full of black roses.
The world was in black white and gray. the sky was snow white, the grass was a stormy gray and roses were jet black.o
Wind blew me towards me and my cloak billowed around behind me.
The rose was still in my hand. its scent wafted towards me. it was no regular rosey smell it was bittery and sour. almost like a poison.
It made my nostrils flare from the stench
To me it was the scent of death,at was drawing near; enclosing me in its tight grips.
With the smell of death in the air it scared the cat id into crap out of me, because i knew for sure that id give into it, just like last time.
Black tenticles of smoke wrapped around my ankles and wrists.
they burned my skin.
I tried to scream but nothing came out, only an airy breath.
Nothing happened to me, it only got worse.
the tenticles grip tightened.o
"Jinx come to me.." Death was calling my name. " You shouldve died. You dont deserve a second shot at life." he told me in my ear.
I have to give into it.
"Come.."
I must, its only a dream.
"It wont matter people wont care that you have died."
My heart skipped a beat.
"Its true."
My mind started to race.
Nobody would care, they could just replace me with someone who could succeed in this world so called life.
Death beckoned me forward closer to him.
I turned my head away, and a noose hit me in the face.
I looked the other way and another noose hit me in the face.
My pulse started to slow. i was surrounded by death.
this is a sign i must die one way or another.
I tried to move closer to the noose.
It was around my neck.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1
I fell.
My problems are no more.


Chapter nine

"Jinx, Jinx wake up." sounded a familiar voice.
I stirred for a moment then finally opened my eyes.
A platinum blonde emo boy with dark chocolate brown eyes was embracing me.
Kyle..
My mind blanked, i had nothing to say.
"You were crying in your sleep, what had happened?"
i told him what had happened in every part that i could remember, giving him every detail.
He raised his light blonde eyebrows, as i told him.
"that is weird" Kyle said as he flicked his blonde bands out of his eyes.
My eyes searched his face for more answers but from the look off his face, there was no more.
I stared into his eyes more until there was a knock at my front door.
It was my sister jessica.
we havent talked since we got into that fight and i ran out of the house with Kyle and Jessica trailing behind. I launched myself in front of a speeding truck and that i had believed it was my "ending"
She thinks that it was her fault. SHe wont look at me in the eye nor talk to me. She's less home then before also.
I want to go up to her, and embrace her, and let her know that it wasnt her fault.
but she wont have anything to do with me.
i walked away from her and proceeded onward with my useless life.
"Hey Kyle." my sister said to him.
she was used to him being over my house 24/7 so she stopped having grudges against and acknowledges that hes here.
Jessica dropped off her school books, ran up the stairs and got changed to go to her friends house.
Once again, going out.
I looked at Kyle again.
He started moving closer to me, close enough to kiss.
I pushed him into me and kissed his soft lips. The scent of chocolate axe was INTOXICATING.
I needed his cure to run through my veins.
His hands slid into mine and he kissed back even harder.
Knock knock.
There was a soft rap at the door.
It was my sisters friend, heather.
"JESSICA, HEATHER IS HERE!"
I yelled.
Jessica came down the stairs wearing a purple mini dress.
Her high heals click clacking as she walked on the tiled floor. her dark brown hair was curled and her make up looked perfect.
I was always have been told of what a gorgeous girl my sister is. her friends, boys, family friends, you name it, and they've told me.
I sighed and walked away.
When my sister was around she was a sparkling diamond. All the boys wanted a piece of her.
When i was around my sister i was invisible, because people always payed more attention to her.
of course they would pay attention to her, she is a natural beauty and just look at you, you ugly piece of shit. i thought.
i cried.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 11.04.2011

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