Inhalt

Chapter One

Well first things first my name is Spencer Dennen.I have two sides to me like most teenaged girls.I play the role of a sweet outgoing girl who everyone wants to be around and I also play the stay in my room don't want to talk to anyone girl.Some people say I'm hard to keep up with but really maybe your just too slow.I'm mostly a layed back chill kind of person.Yup I'm a leo.Which I have to say is one of the best signs out there.I'm a animal lover and have a love for music deeply.Anything else I didn't write here should be in my bio.So now that's all out of the way this book is mostly going to be about the ups and downs of being a teen.The rough patches with family members to not having a family at all.A life full of lying,cheating,arguing,drugs,and all that good stuff.We all go through it from time to time.Some have it better than others.I look forward from hearing from you guys about your life struggles.Who knows maybe we will have something in common.Feel free to message me or comment.I will write back when I can.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Two

Life is a simple thing.Wait now that is not true...Life is full of sadness and regrets.Is it not?For a normal human being life is fine.School is great.Making friends is great and family is wonderful.Their life is perfect.The only worries they have is being good enough to be on a sports team.For a human being like myself life is nothing but stress.I stress constantly about my school grades even though I give it my best.I stress about my weight and my beauty.Whether someone will like me or not.I worry about everything in my life.For a teenager who just barely turned 17 should be excited for taking the next step which is college.My next step when I turn 18 is to move as far as I can from these people I'm supposed to call my family.Truth is I've had my mind set sence I was 14.I want nothing more but to get out of this house.There is not a word in the world that could explain how much I hate these people.I have no family.I like to think I kind of just dropped out of the sky.There is nothing but hate here.I've been praying for god to take me but I know that will never happen.I cry myself to sleep everynight.I have all these questions of why god would let these things happen to me.If he really did love his child why would he let me hurt so much?Just like my so called mother...She says I'm her sanity and her love but why does she still have the person who melested me and my baby sister in our home.She is supposed to protect us from harm not put us right smack in the middle of it.I not only cry because of my own demons but I also cry for my baby sister.She's my best friend.My everything.It kills me everyday to see her so depressed.Everytime things get hard and seem so unbarable I remind her that our life when I turn 18 will be like heaven.I tell her to just bare through it and the outcome will be worth it.I know it will.I'm taking 10 classes extra to graduate early.I'm going to go to by Radio Canyon" href="#">college and get a job at the same time.I'm doing everything I can for my baby sister.I break my back for her everyday.When we argue I remind her we are in this together and she is not alone.I try so hard and no one really sees that but me.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Three

Hey SDFs!!!!Sorry for not writing.My laptop was down for a few weeks.Just got it to work again so I'm pretty excited for that.Anyways I've got news.My mother has got a job.That's good news for me.So for all those of you that just tuned in to this little adventure I have severe depression and bad eating habits.The more my mother works the more I get to work on my body.Winter has almost passed and I've gone from 104 to 120 which is not good at all.I'm very disappointed in myself.At first I was doing an expierment about how much I could eat before gaining weight again and I kind of got stuck.Now its really bad...Its to the point where I don't even know when I'm hungry or when I'm not.Which is bad....Sometimes I scare myself.I remember one time I went for a whole week and a couple of days without eating and didn't even realized it until my mother started badgering me.I remember I cried because I knew I couldn't control it anymore.So I learned to deal with it better than to hurt over it.I tell myself to do what makes me happy.If being thin makes me happy and not self harm my legs then I'll do it.I don't care what anyone says.I'm doing me.So starting today I'm fasting until I see a difference.I want to be 104 again.My biggest fear is if I can notice my weight gain then others can too.I don't want them to.I don't want them to be okay with it.I used to look thinner than my little sister and I want that again.I'd die to be back to what I was before winter hit.My little sister notices.I know she does.She doesn't let me wear some of her jeans and I want it to change.Taxes are coming soon and I get a new I phone 6.So go follow me on instagram @sworninspencer.I can't wait.I'll be posting more pics then.

XOXO SDF

Now-

Before At 104

Chapter Four

I woke up this morning with the worse stomache ache ever.I know its from starving myself but It's never been so bad that I would throw up....I took a pill that would settle my ache and skipped school.I could barely walk and every suddent movement made me want to vomit.But I still will not give in.Like I said I will die to get back down to 104.Summer is coming and I need to get into shape.I feel alot better now but I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow.I had my sister turn in my work for me at school.I'm craving chinese food but I will not give in.I want to be thin.I have to be thin for tomorrow.My mother just got payed and we are going down to the mall.I want to look my best.Hopefully my shirt I bought online will be in the mail by tomorrow so I can wear it.So warp tour line ups so far are gay.I don't know anyone who is going.For all of you who don't know what warp tour is....Its a music festival in every june.If it doesn't get better then my whole summer is ruined....Well that's it for today SDFs.I didn't really do much today other than work....Maybe I'll add more tonight if something cool happens.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Five

Hey guys I really like all the friends requests I'm getting.It makes me happy to know I have friends.Here where I live I have no friends whats so ever.Everyone makes fun of me or talks shit about me.But that's okay because I have my sister who never thinks low of me.But for some reason I still feel like I can't talk to her about my problems.I feel like I'm scaring her or she's not listening.I feel like no body is listening.I feel like I'm in a pool drowning deeper and deeper.Most of the time I feel like screaming but nothing comes out.It's like a nightmare I can never wake up from...A part of me wants to reach out for help but I feel they can't help me.I need it to go away.I just want someone to take it all away...I've tried everything to keep me from going into a deep depression but it beat me once again.I know this one will not blow over in a few days.This is a big one and I hate them.I had one last summer and almost went suicide 3 times.Last summer was the worst and nothing mattered to me.I was reckless and a rebel.I stole and did drugs for my pain.For all the shit I stole I should have went to jail...I feel so bad for it but I still did it.And having my best friend at the time doing it with me just made it worse.It became a bad habit.Every store I went into I stole something.Not getting caught made me think I could keep doing it.When my sister got caught for stealing a soda that was it.We all three decided our stealing days were over.Words can't explain how scared I was of what would happen to me if the cop found out I stole everything in my bag.Thank god I had a job at the time and said I just bought them.I couldn't cover for the soda because they caught her on camera.She ended up doing community services and a paying a ticket.My mother was beyond pissed until I lied to her and said Aroura was going to pay for the soda when she had to go to the bathroom and put it in her purse to keep safe.Afterwards she forgot she had put it in her purse and they said she stole it.Quick save on my part.My sister was so thankful.After that we took the bus back home and partied.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Six

I hope you guys liked my little trip to the past.It was a dark time for me but that chapter is over now.Thank god haha.Anyways daily update on me.Yesterday I went to the mall and bought some band merch.It's been awhile sense I bought a band t-shirt.I bought a my chemical romance one and a slipknot shirt.I also bought some skeleton bone tights.I was looking at the piercings and decided I want a piercing.So I want to hear your guys opinions on me getting a belly botton piercing.Or on belly botton piercings in general.I felt my body was too plain.I thought what the hell one piercing is cool.I'm more of a tattoo lover but I'm not 18 yet sooooo...And as for today I went with my mom and Aroura my sister to pay bills.On our journey our tire popped and we needed to find a place to fix it.There is nothing more hotter than a guy working on cars.I love it.This guy was most likely in his twentys and baby blue eyes.It took me by surprise of how he made me feel.After my harsh breakup with my ex after spending one year together I hated men.I wanted to be single for a long time and I still do.I'm young and I want to have fun still.What scares me is I think I'm ready to get out there again.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Seven

I feel like I'm sleep walking.Like everything I do is a dream...I've been watching a guy named Johnnie on youtube for a while now.You guys should go check him out.He makes me laugh when I'm haveing a bad day.He makes funny random videos invovling challenges.He also does q n a videos and depression videos.Him and kyle hall are pretty much my life right now.I've got school work to do still so that's the reason I haven't been writing lately.I have to get out of here soon...There's no way I can spend another year here.I'll die.My plan is to finish school early and then move to Vegas.Away from these people.I want my life to be better than this.Better than some mental case...I'm hanging on to see the light through this hell I'm living.I want to be that proof of someone getting better without therapy.They can't help me...No one can...

XOXO SDF

Chapter Eight

So mostly I'm just going to be writing in here when I feel like something is worth writing about.I'm pretty much just ordinary most of my life.It's the weirdest thing.The only time I leave my house is to go to school once a week pretty much.I hate people and love to be alone.Like right now I'm laying in my bed in the dark cuddling with my dogs.I just got done doing my homework.The only time I actually go out to be social is at warp tour.I guess it's because I'm with people who are just like me.We are all there for the same reasons.I feel calm and at home there.I feel like I can let loose and be myself.I mean who doesn't want to mosh out their problems to music they love.Anyways I'm pray for a better line up of artists.I want to rock out this summer.I want bring me the horizon to go again but they are working on a new ablum so...I just want one band I know.I'll go still if one band doesn't go I know just to get out of this prison house.I'm just sitting here waiting for summer to role around.I've got like three more months of school left and can't wait for june when warp tour comes.I'm so excited that I'm working on my summer body early.I want to be a twig by the time warp comes around.I got my shirt in the mail that I bought for that event.It's so cute just like I imagined it.I'm trying to make this summer better than the last.Last summer was pretty good but only because I had my friend Cate and my sister to spend it with.Now I just have my sister to spend it with.Which is still cool but I really miss Cate.We were like to gether.Like sisters.I miss walking out of my room in the morning and going for a morning smoke with her.I miss our talks and all the times we talked shit about our boyfriends at the time.I miss smoking weed with her in my shed and getting stuck out there for hours.For some strange reason with all the drugs we did we still managed to get good grades in school.Well at least I did.I can't really tell you what happened to our friendship other than my mom kicked her out because she said Cate was doing dark magic.Something about Cate and my little sister is they are into witchcraft.Well my grandmother is a witch.She has a spell book and everything.What happened is She passed it onto my little sister.Cate had her gift from her mom who used to do witchcraft back in the day.My mother said she was evil and told her she couldn't be over here anymore without supervision.Also we got caught smoking weed because my stupid nasty brother told on us.So all that mixed together destroyed our friendship.Now I'm so lonely..The last time I saw her was on my birthday which was last year.I miss her a lot.Sometimes I just wish everything would go back to the way it was...Back when all that mattered was weed and alcohol.I was actually not happy back then.I was very sad and very suicidal.Cate is who talked me out of it.Well after we smoked some weed.Weed took all my problems away.Everything that was bothering me was gone and I was fine for awhile.Most of my summer was spent stoned and out on the streets.We never wanted to go home.We blasted music and danced until we dropped.We were killing ourselves and didn't care.I still don't.I mean Cate was the worst.Make two inches with your fingers and that's what she was like from the side.She didn't care about anything so why should I tell her how skinny she looked?We were doing it together.Once the drug cocaine came up in a conversation we all were having.My little sister was like I would never fuck with that and me and Cate just smiled at each other.We both knew if there was a sack of cocaine of the coffee table me and her would snort it together.We were bad.We snorted all kinds of pills together in my room.No one knew but us.I would steal them from my ex who had a pill poping problem.He would lie to me but I knew he still did it.I didn't really care cause I was doing them too.He just thought I drank every once in awhile.He didn't even know I smoked weed and cigarettes.No one did but me and Cate.We had so much in common.We had the same type in guys,we loved sex,and loved drugs.Our birthdays were two days apart for crying out loud.We might as well have been twins.The only thing that was different was how we looked.She had blonde hair and blue eyes and I had black hair and brown eyes.I loved her and she loved me.I'm surprised we didn't ever kiss.I mean we both knew there were feelings there more than a friend.I guess we just never found the time.I mean we were practically already together.Everyone thought we were lesbian.Sooner or later we started telling everyone we were together and called eachother girlfriend.My ex hated her but I just think it's because she was his ex hahaha.We have a weird relationship I swear.We sometimes switch boyfriends.She was probably the closest thing I would ever get to being lesbian.She was beautiful to me and my favorite slut.

XOXO SDF

She was my love-

We were actually going to get high at the park with some guys we didn't even like.Hey you got to get your fix some how haha.

Us

I guess I just never let this go....

Chapter Nine

This actually takes me like a lot of confidence to put this up here online.If my family knew about this they would raise hell.Well I don't actually know what they would do.I know my mother would probably give me shit until the day I turned 18.I mean what could she expect from me?To love her more then anything in the world because that's not going to happen.At least not for a long long time.I'm hurt.She hurt me deeply.I don't think she quite understands that.Yeah I bet she she doesn't like me either.I mean it's just the things she does.She's constantly refering me to a whore.I just laugh it off but I get what she's really trying to say.I had sex with one guy big deal.Ever sence him there has been no one else.So there's no reason for her to call me a whore.She can deny it all she wants but I know.What can't she just be a women and say it.Say what she really thinks of me.She's nothing but a whore herself.I mean she slept with so many guys she couldn't even count.She was a even worse druggy than I was.I only smoked every once in a while and she did dope so....It doesn't even matter what she thinks of me because I know I'm not a slut or a druggy.Yeah I cheated on my ex boyfriend but I didn't have sex.I just made out with the guy but I got rid of him.That doesn't make me a slut.It was one time and I made a mistake.Tj and I were have problems in our relationship and I felt ignored.I cheated and for a minute it felt right and then I knew I had to stop.It just brought to many problems on.I gave the guy to Cate and lied to Tj about it.But honestly with all the shit Tj put me through....I would tell him the truth now.I mean I'm pretty sure he knows but if he asked again I would tell him.It's the right thing to do and why lie if I don't care anymore.Tj is just another thing that I really probably never let go of...I had a job at the time I broke up with him and I guess I just kinda pushed our break up aside.Everyone else was sad but me.They all thought I would break or something.I was surprised myself.I thought I would be sad but I was actually ready for it.When my birthday came around and he didn't message me happy birthday I guess that was when I decided to forget about him.For good.A few weeks after my birthday I quit my job.I kind of went of the deep end.As in I did what I wanted to do.I grew up.Just when I thought I was doing okay this guy named Matthew poped into my life.He was Tj's best friends brother.Also Tjs' good friend.And I know what your thinking you go after the best friend how low but it wasn't like that.I mean yeah of course Matthew was attractive and we did come across a sexual topic once or twice before but I wanted to be his friend.That kid did some pretty amazing things for me.Some he doesn't even know he did.He built my self esteem all the way up by showing me attention.He was sweet to me and I loved hanging out with him.The best thing that he did for me was getting me over Tj.He would tell me every little fuck up Tj was doing which just made me think lower of Tj.He also is the reason I do not smoke weed anymore.He told me it takes a persons personallity away.It was like he could see right through me.We went to so many places that all I could think about was where we would go next.He was my hero until the day he got locked up in jail for threatening some staff at his school.Something about Matthew was he wasn't all there really.He found his mom dead when he was 8 and had to go live with his dad which he didn't really even know.He never got therapy for it.Over the years it just fucked him up more.We could relate to each other in ways other kids couldn't.We had so much in common.It hurt me that I couldn't visit him.The only way I could talk to him was through letters.I missed him.Him getting locked up probably broke my heart and my little sisters.She was pretty close to him too.I can't help but feel guilty...I was with him the night before he got locked up.We sat talking in his truck until 5 in the morning and he had school.He went to school tired because of me.If I just would have made him go home and get some sleep he wouldn't have been there.He was all over the news.He wasn't a monster at least not to me.But now he's out and in a mental home where he can get the help he needed when his mother died.He gets out of there in six months.I told him I would be here waiting for him but I lied.My mother might be moving or by then I might be in Vegas living my own dream.Either way I'm still moving out of this city.I couldn't tell him...I mean he probably doesn't even care for me as much as I care for him so.He won't miss me.I've already started dettaching myself.I deleted my facebook.I don't want him to find me after he gets out.Our friendship is uh pretty much over.He has all the friends he needs.Maybe some time in the future we will talk again but I'm not gunna go looking for him.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Ten

I'm lost again...I'm stressed out again...This time it's not school even though I'm taking ten classes.It's just my life in general.I don't really have my weight under control but my mother says my face looks sick again so that means I'm losing weight right....But now I know everyone notices my weight gain...It just makes me hate myself even more...I hate looking in the mirror at myself.I just want to stab my reflection a bunch of times.Sometimes I wish someone would just put me in a mental home.I just don't want to be here anymore.I'm so confused or maybe I got it all figured out...I'm just scared what people would say or think about my desicions.I have a couple that I'm scared to tell anyone about.I'm not embaressed about my sexuality but others might be.That's my problem.I need to stop caring about what other people say about me.Do what makes me happy.I'm always doing what other people want to make them happy.I'm tired of it.I honestly am surprised I'm still living here or even still alive.I've tried to kill myself a couple of time last summer.There was one time I ate some edables from my brothers' friend.Like more than anyone at that hotel.I smoked a lot of joints to myself on top of that and got shit faced.This was after Matthew got locked up.I wanted to die or just make the pain stop.I was sure I was going to die.I threw up and my heart was skipping beats as I just layed there.But unfortunately the only thing that happened was me waking up the next morning feeling sick to my stomache.I was pissed I was still alive.I didn't want to wake up.I wanted to die.Hell would probably be better than this place.But after that night I stopped smoking.I was done.Drugs didn't make me feel any better.My pain wasn't going away.Just when I thought I was done with all those bad things I noticed I developed a drinking habit.I really didn't noticed it before but I was drinking every night.Every morning I had a head ache and drank more to make it go away.But now I'm okay.I stoped drinking and got myself down to only drinking every once in a while.And don't act like you don't drink too.Every teenager does.Some just have a problem with it.I mean my mother and father were alcoholics.My father was one until the day he died.My mother stopped only because she had a problem medically.It's in my blood to be one but I never thought it would come so fast.I mean I'm only 17...Just another problem to add to my list of fucked up.It's hard to control my depression all the time.Everyday it's a battle for me.I'm weighed down.I'm drowning currently and no one notices.One day I will loose this fight but until then I will help you guys get through your issues.I feel my time is near but I'm trying like hell to pull myself through.I'm lossing color in my skin and I feel shaky.All the symtoms of starving.I just want to be pretty and happy for once.I just want someone to want me.That's all.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Eleven

Hey guys just a short update.I've decided to toss my book Colton Lynnk noticed me.Yeah I'm sorry for the ones who loved it so far but I didn't want to write it anymore.I've been writing this new book that I feel you guys will be more interested in.It's already up on my porfile if you want to go check that out.Tell me what you think so far.I'm pretty excited about it.I've never wrote a book about murder or jail so bare with me.I've finished all my homework except for two classes so I'm free to chat.Just inbox me or something.So should I post pictures in here with every entry I write?If so message me.I think I should.I've been slacking on writing on here but like everyone else I have a life to do.I've been listening to music a lot more.I want to know what you guys are listening to.My top fav right now is Tyler Carters' new ablum.Go check that out.My day really just started so I really have nothing to write about right now but maybe later I will.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Twelve

So Jimmy Matts' brother wanted us to go with him tomorrow to see Matt.I mean I want to but just not right now.I'm not really ready to see him and expesially with everyone else around.I'm probably going to go to hell for saying this but I don't think I want to see Matt ever again.I just think it will make everything harder for me.I saw what my last relationship did to me and I don't want to do that again.Besides do I really want to sit here wondering if he's doing something with one of the girls there in his home...We decided not to go and I know Matt's going to be very disappointed.But I'm sure Jimmy will explain something to him.I gave up on him.I'm 17 and got a long life ahead of me.I need to see what's out there for me.I don't need to be trippin over this guy who probably doesn't even think of you.He probably just thinks of you as a great fuck or something.I mean why would he be interested in me.I'm so fucked in the mind that I can't even handle myself sometimes.So tell me why I would want to get involved with someone just as fuck up as me?

XOXO SDF

Chapter Thirteen

Hello SDFs.How you been?I've been hanging in there as usual.I'm serious about loosing weight again.Like it's crack down time.We are supposed to get our taxes tomorrow.I'm getting a new I phone so I'll be on instagram a lot more and I'm making a new snapchat so if you already didn't go follow me.Expect lots of stupid videos of me and my sister.I've probably never told you guys this but I twerk a lot.I do it for exercise and just for fun.It's on of my biggest passions.So expect booty pics and twerking clips from me and my little sister.I've decided not to be ashamed of my body.If you have it why not show it.I'm going to order these cheekster bathing suit bottoms offline for the summer.I want zero tan lines.I'm still on the hunt for my perfect warp tour outfit.The shirt I bought offline was not what I expected.It's just not warp tour material.So far the only band I know that is going is New Years Day.If you don't know them go check them out on youtube.Gawd youtube is life!I've been listening to this guy named Austin Jones.He writes his own music and does youtube videos.I'm mostly just going to be doing homework and working on my body until june.I get out of school in may.I'm going on spring break next week and can't wait.I want to visit my grandma and go to the beach.I need to get my body into shape for spring break too.I'm going to be busy this week with you know shopping and stuff.I might not have time to write on here this week but next week I will definately be on all the time.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Fourteen

Hey SDFs!!!!I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long.My laptop took a shit on me and doesn't want to go on the internet.So I'm going to be using my moms' new laptop.I can't promise to write everyday but I can promise to write once a week.And I know I said I would post a pic as well but as I told you I'm not on my computer.So no pictures guys sorry.So anyways yes I finally got my Iphone and I love it.I just like the thought of having a phone finally.If you want to see pictures of me and keep up with me go follow me on the phone app called instagram @sworninspencer.I post alot of things on there too.My depression is here and there.It's everywhere I go and I'm really thinking about getting evaluated to see what is wrong with me.I need to see.I feel I'm ready now.All I have to do is take a test and that's it.Seems easy enough right?If any of you have ever been evaluated if you don't mind please share with me about your expierence.I want to know all the facts.I guess I've been okay with my depression.It hasn't been really bad in a long time.I think one of my problems is I might be suicidal.I think about it all the time.Even when I'm not depressed.It scares me actually.I can't be alone for too long or I start thinking about it.Honestly the only reason I'm still here is my dogs and my little sister.Not so much my sister because I know if I died she would die to but mostly my animals.They need me and I need them.The only good thing in my life right now is I have a new boyfriend.It took me two days to actually say yes.I wasn't sure I wanted to be with him.The person I'm talking about here is Matthew my fiend that got locked up.He's doing really good now and he's about to come home this july.I'm so excited.I miss him so much.I'm glad I said yes to him cause I really needed him right now in my life.He's very sweet and he keeps me emotionally fed.My little sister like usual is a little upset.I totally understand why she's upset because she thinks I'm going to ignore her like I did for my last boyfriend Tj.But I'm not going to with this one.This one is different.We were all friends before.He adores my sister.I finally have a boyfriend who gets along with my baby sister.He's too perfect its unbelievable.I really hope this oneworks out.

Chapter Fifteen

Hey hey hey SDFs!!!!So yeah I lied I'm sorry....I'm not going t be on here once a week either....I'm contemplating on whether to delete my account or keep it for when I can get on.The truth is my life is shitty right now and my internet is going to get cut off.We can't afford it.We can barely afford rent for our house.Come June we will be losing about 775 dollars.So we might be getting evicted as well.And through all this bullshit I still manage to have faith in the lord above.I'm really just counting on him now.I mean in august I'll be 18 and get my money my piece of shit father left behind for me before he died.But I need to figure out what I'm gunna do for the two months before that.I'm beyond stressed and my mind is eating me alive everyday.Sometimes I just feel like giving up.I could just off myself and I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.But only if it was that easy.I have three adoreable little dogs that need me and a sister who would kill herself without me.I ask myself daily if she would even care if I died.Would she get over it in time?Everytime I try to talk to her it seems she pushes it off.I'm just waiting for the day that I'll finally give up and give in.One day I'll lose this fight but until then I have to love my dogs as if I was going to die tomorrow.And as for Matt everything is great.Well except for two things...He's all about sex it seems and so am I.I mean all teenagers love sex don't lie.But I just thinkthis relationship is going to be built on lust not love.And what I just want really is love.I've got enough lust from all the guys I know....I'm ready to give up on true love.No body loves me and I just can't love.The second thing is I have depression really bad.I don't want him to know that I let it control my life.He has enough stress.So I lied and said I have it under control.I guess I just want one person to look at me as normal.So I'll keep lying until I die.Everything around me is crashing and I can't do anything about it but watch.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Sixteen

I miss my step dad David...He was with my mom for four years.I grew with him.I remember the first time they met right to the last time they said goodbye.I looked at him as my real dad.I was going to move in over at his house.I was his favorite and he adored me.When he left it ripped a whole in my heart.No one knows that but me.I didn't show it to avoid trouble for myself for the time being I'm living here.Everytime we pass his work I look back to find his car.I miss him so much.I wonder if he even misses me....I also miss my ex Stephen.I was in love with him.And I don't care how many times people say he wasn't or how many girls he had after me I knew he loved me too.I just miss everyone and everything back then.Three years ago was the best time of my life.I had two of the best friends every Cheyenne and Caity.I had the best boyfriend/cuddle buddy ever Stephen and the best neighbors across the street with wifi.Everyone was so happy and free.My mother was a slut which got her off our back.My nights were spent rolling around on a couch with boy who was three years older than me.But everything good has to come to a end.Nothing lasts forever.My mother got into a fight with Corwin or neighbor and I got into a fight with my friends.The last things I had to hold onto were David and Stephen but soon Stephen found a girl named Marissa on the internet and she took him away.He cheated on her of course with me the night before she came out to get him for his birthday.I loved him but I would never show him that.I remember the words he said last before he left me."All you have to say is don't go."He said.I glared and said,"Go.We end here."Of course he turned and left.I cried and cried for months alone in my room.And even if that wasn't enough I was being made fun of at school.I didn't have one single friend and I soon just never went.Summer came and There was a knock at my door.I opened it only to see him standing there with her.I wasn't jealous but after one year he still made me week in the neighs...They ended up staying in my town for another year and for that whole year I pretended to hate his guts.I made best friends with his girlfriend.We were so close he hated it.I made myself hate him so I would fall out of love with him and it started to work.But when he would play his stupid giutar and sing was the worst.I would avoid him when he would do that.But sometimes I couldn't help it.I would look over and he would be staring intently at me.Making me uncomfortable in a good way.When they left for some funeral back in her town I didn't even say goodbye to him.I thought it would be better this way.They ended up being gone for two more years.And I moved on.I was playing around again with whoever I wanted to until I got with Tj my last ew.I was with Tj for a year and some odd months.One day I went to the carnival with some friends including Caitlin my old best friend.Everything was okay until I saw someone standing with my older sister.I got a closer look and it was him.Stephen.After 3 years I still fell for those stupid green eyes.I've told this story before earlier in this book.I cheated on Tj with Stephen.Yeah sue me.Well long story short I got rid of them both and was single again.I was sad from all the shit Tj was doing right after we broke up.Then to top it all off David left for good.I didn't even get to say goodbye.Ask me who I miss more and I would say David.I miss him so so so much it hurts still.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Seventeen

I don't want to live this life anymore.I never did.I keep praying but if god loved me why would he put me through this pain.I'm just waiting for my last breath....Really I am...I feel like nothing matters and nothing is real.I feel dead so might as well be right?I feel like i'm doing all these things in life for nothing.Am I really going anywhere?I feel like I'm sleepwalking.Yeah my sister is my best friend and I have a good boyfriend but I still feel alone.If I still feel alone with the ones that love me then I'm going to feel alone in Vegas.My biggest fear is what if it's not this house or the people that make me this way.Maybe it's me...I don't want to work so hard for something just to throw it away when depression gets bad...Life just sucks.Everything about it is shitty.I wish I was never born.I will not multiply because I wouldn't want to put my baby through this shit and I know deep inside I'm not qualified.Goodbye for now friends.

XOXO SDF

Chapter Eighteen

Omg guys how have you all been????I missed you!!!Don't worry I didn't die on you guys lmao,I'm still kickin yo!!Life just kinda took a turn for me,that's all...Which is kinda good in a way.Lots has happen to me in just a year.It's crazy actually.Soooooo....This chapter is just kind of gunna be a update from last time.Ughhhhhhh where to begin....Oh yes lets start with Matthew!!!Y'all remember him don't you and if not go read previous chapters.So me and Matthew ended up dating hehehehe.But it didn't last long,like everything else in my life.We dated for a week to be exact.And everything was good.He was still in the mental house and I was still at home.We would text almost everyday and it worked for us but one day he decided he wanted to act up on me.He wanted to turn into someone that I never knew before.He became very controlling and his threatening got even worse.He threatened to kill my good friend at the time jesse if he got me alcohol again.And everyone knows your not going to take the one thing in my life that matters most to me.MY ALCOHOL!!!!!That's like taking my dogs to the pound.But wait it didn't stop there....He said that I couldn't talk to other boys while he was away,friends or not,and I couldn't get any tattoos cause GOD wouldn't approve.Hold up nigga....Your not going to tell me what my father would think of me.I have a very good relationship with the lord and if her had a problem with me drinking,he would let me know.So there was other things he tried to take from me and plus my whole family was talking in my ear,so as a result I broke up with him.Keep in mind this guy is crazy,so I was very afraid of him and dreaded the day he would get out of his mental place.But of course your girl didn't stop her life for one nigga lmao.You already know.PS-sorry guys for the suddent change in my talking,I told you I've changed....So my little sister decided she wanted to meet up with a guy that she only met once in her life but my mother wouldn't let her go unless I went with her.So of course being the good older sister I am.....I went but before I made her promise she wouldn't leave me and she did.We get to this guys house and this guy looks like he's 20 years old lmao....But he claims he's 17 but whatever.You only live once...So there was other kids there around 15 to 17.May I remind you that I've never met these people in my life and at this point and time my anxiety was acting up really bad.Knowing this what does my sister do???LEAVES ME!!!I couldn't believe she would leave me here all by my self to go and hook up in a room.#Hoemove.....So I start crying because I'm scared and mad at the same time.So my bitch ass instead of calling my mom and going home,I team up with the other teens and bust in the room.Yes I did!!!You do me dirty I do you ten times worse.The look on her face was priceless.I was so happy but still upset and hurt.Still to this day I haven't forgotten it.I have a problem with not letting go of past things.Annnnnd she was a virgin!How are you gunna do that lmao.I should have known she was gunna be a hoe way back then,this happened in 2015 still.So we went home and snook tucker "the guy she left me for" and his friend Donnie"a guy that I thought was cute"in our backyard without my mom knowing,cause we're bad kids duh lmao.So long story short I made out with Donnie who decided to tell me afterwards that he was 15 and I was 17.I flipped out on him.That's like a child.I was so disgusted with myself,good thing he wasn't worth keeping lmao he kissed like a dog.WORSE KISS OF MY LIFE!!!I let him down easy and then it was just me myself and I again but not for long.Stephen,y'all probably know about him but if you don't he's an ex of mine from my childhood,decided he wanted to inch his way back into my life.And me of course let him back in.He was originally at my house to protect my house from Matthew whom got out on the 20th of july.But of course inbetween we were messin around.WHen I mean messin around I mean we were fucking.after him that made my head count 3.Damn and I thought I was a hoe then boi I was wrong lmao.But I'm asian so no loosy goosy for me.But in all that my little sister was fucking around with a different guy by the name of Daniel but we called him jr.This ones a twisted little story but let me start from the beginning....It all started with a bottle of vodka.May I remind you this guy is the uglyest guy I've ever seen.With no game as well,don't know how he got my sister who claims to only go for city boys with cash.Bitch that's a fucking lie!!!!This guys a desert rat with pimples and craidders lmao.So anyways he was fucking her for a month straight but little did she know he had a girl at school lmao.It was his girlfriend and he claimed to be in love with her which makes my sister look like just a piece of ass.But it's whatever.That's her not me.So Jr came over one day with his little brother tagging along.His brother is 15 but don't look like it.He was a little cutie but not something I would touch.But I spoke all too soon....We started texting and then he came over again.Jr locked us in the room until we did something but I didn't do anything cause of his age to be honest....But while I was in the room with joe"jrs little brother"Jr was out in the front yard telling Stephen that I was in the room alone with Joe doing god knows what.I should have known then that Jr was always going to be there fucking my life up.But we weren't doing anything but talking.I ran out to talk to stephen but the look on his face said it all.He was crushed and for some reason it made me feel good.He hurt me so many times in past maybe it was payback.But of course I ran after him but I shouldn't have.He be littled me and it pissed me off.I was loosing my side thing.My fuck.I was feeling so much emotion at once until I glanced over and saw Jr smiling at me.It wasn't just a regular smile,it was a evil grin.He then nodded to the house and my dumbass followed him.He went to the fridge and pulled out some whipp cream.I stared at it for a moment and then it clicked.I glanced over at Joe who was now on the couch.I snatched the can from Jrs hand and went straight for Joe.I sprayed some in his mouth and then started to casually make out with him.I did this infront of everyone as well and my sister cheered me on.I was just planning on just doing that to make stephen jealous which it did but as you know this game,one thing leads to another.I ended up having sex with joe in my room that night but of course we kept it hush hush.Everything with Joe was so casual.No complications until Jr,I hate him so much,swooped in and took it all away.He was the only one that knew I was fucking with Stephen while I was messing with Joe.Yes I admitt I was fucking two niggas at the same time.I guess you could say I was a MAC, aka player.I don't belong to nobody,still don't.Not after what Tj did to my heart,fuck that.Fuck all men!!!!

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 11.02.2015

Widmung:
Spencer Dennen

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