Pope To Marry Midget Ballet Dancer

United Press National

In a move that shocked the Christian world, 84 year-old Pope Benedict XVI, known in his close circle of friends as “Benny the Boop”, announced Friday that the centuries-old Catholic rite of clerical celibacy was null and void, at least as it pertains to sitting popes.

Sources close to the robust Benedict leaked information to this reporter telling of an all-night conclave of Cardinals locked inside The Sistine Chapel, listening to the two hour proclamation, issued as a Papal Bull, Planto Diligo, Non Bellum.

Cries of Apostasy! rang out, the witness said, making Michaelangelo’s ceiling vibrate ferociously, and the finger of God in the creation masterpiece point suddenly downward accusingly.

Not since the infamous Apostolicae Curae

("of the Apostolic care") issued in 1896 by Leo XIII, has the question of papal infallibility been so closely scrutinized. It is expected that all Anglican clergymen, at whom the 1896 Bull was aimed, will hail the new Bull, not as bull, but as a breath of fresh air in the stuffy Roman Church.

On hearing of the news, the order of The Sisters of Magdalene stormed the Papal Basilica, but became lost in their search for the Sistine Chapel entrance, located some distance away in the famed Vatican City. Sister Constance, the Order’s Abbess, then declared through a loudspeaker that, “All you need is Love!” after having failed to find the Chapel.

Though news of the Bull shocked nearly every Cardinal present, the reason behind Benedict’s announcement shocked them more. This reporter has learned that during a recent visit to Nepal, Pope Benedict XVI became strangely enamored by a three-foot tall ballerina by the name of Amolika Beli after seeing her perform as the principal dancer in Tchaikovsky’s famous Swan Lake. Sources inform me that she was much too short for the role, but that a wink at the curtain’s drop seemed to make the visiting spiritual dignitary drop his glass of Christian Brothers wine off the edge of his private box. Whatever the truth of this, Benedict returned to the small mountainous village on six separate occasions, and his whereabouts during those visits, though not questioned, remains a mystery.

Beli turned up in Rome one month ago, ostensibly to entreat the Church for funds to expand the Nepalise Ballet Company to include short people from every nationality. She received a private audience with Benedict on ten different occasions.

The rumor mill is churning, but this much is clear: The Pope has been wearing a smile ever since her arrival, and Beli has suddenly abandoned her career on the stage, “To BIG people!” she said one week ago.

Impressum

Texte: (c) 2011, Patrick Sean Lee
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 15.08.2011

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To my brothers and sisters in the Church , and to His Holiness who I trust will chuckle, and not be at all offended. I trust God has a sense of humor. My entry into the Trashy Tabloid Contest with a 500 word cap.