Another Friend Gone (The Truth)

Another Friend Gone (The Truth)

8/25/11

 

Lillith sits in a corner,

Cheeks stained by tears,

Alone but for the chirping of the crickets.

Were it not for the truth,

She would have a friend by her side.

But that friend left.

She left because of the truth.

The truth hurt her,

She was too blind to see it.

But Lillith saw it.

And she told her friend.

The girl didn’t like it,

So she fled.

She left the friend that was always there for her,

The friend who was her fallback.

Now she’s gone, and Lillith is alone,

She feels betrayed and lied to.

Hurt by her friend’s deceit.

For that is what she sees it as:

Deceit, Betrayal…and Loss.

Lillith’s wounded heart throbs in her hands,

As the knife pierces it over and over, once again.

The blood seeps through her fingers,

As the tears rain from her eyes.

Yet she sits there,

Not moving yet shaking at the same time,

As though nothing yet also everything has happened.

She does not feel as the knife pierces her chest again,

For all she feels is the emptiness in her soul,

All she sees is the darkness creeping in,

And all she hears is the crickets chirping

As once again, her life ends…

A Symphony of Broken Hearts

A Symphony of Broken Hearts

5/1/12

 

They parade down the streets of the world,

This symphony of broken hearts.

Their eyes filled with tears,

Their bodies crying rivers of red.

They parade down the streets of the world,

Voices raised against the injustice of life,

Yet nobody sees them.

Nobody hears their cries and bloodthirsty screams.

They just walk right by these people,

As though blind to the cruel ways of life.

The treacherous ways of “God”.

These ignorant men and women of the world,

Living life as though other people don’t suffer.

As though nobody is hurting

And slowly decaying inside.

So many voices

Make up the symphony of broken hearts.

Yet no one pays any heed to their needs.

There is no love in this world

For these “sinful” and “fucked up” people.

Stupid, bitch, whore, slut, crazy,

Ugly, disgusting, addict, lazy, loser,

Fuckup, fat, anorexic, arrogant,… poser.

These are the words that people sling

So cruelly, so full of hatred.

Nobody tries to understand the unknown,

Except for those who ARE the unknown.

I guess that saying is true:

Everyone protects their own.

And, in some cases, every man for himself.

Nobody stands up for the little guy.

And if there’s anyone that does,

Then those people are few and far between.

Nobody wants the “weaker” ones.

Even though these hurt and damaged people

Are, in truth, the strong ones.

They are strong because, despite all the shit

That is thrown at them,

They continue to stand and fight.

They continue to fight for what they see as right,

Fight for their right to a peaceful life.

No one sees that these are truly the strongest,

Most powerful people there are.

They show compassion and try to make peace,

Even with those who treat them so harshly.

They sometimes don’t hide their emotions,

And they don’t hide behind fake faces.

They are the real deal,

The big thing.

They are more real than most people nowadays.

Maybe you should try to take a leaf from their books.

Maybe you should try to understand them…

Before their blood is on your hands…

Ballad From the Dark

Ballad from the Dark

 

As I lie alone in this dark room,

My bed cold, no arms to keep away the gloom.

No warmth since you left, my light is now gone.

Why’d I have to go and make you woebegone?

You loved me so much I didn’t even realize.

Now I lie alone, and my heart breaks with my dark lies.

I lost you because of my stupidity, and the price

Wears me down and tears me apart. I fear I never

Truly knew how much I loved you, until you left me,

Now I’m all alone, and I’m nothing more than thee…

 

Chorus:

Creature of the Darkness

So black and empty, so desolate and alone.

Why’d I ever take that risk

Or losing you and ending up alone?

You lost the faith you had in me,

Yet no matter what, you never stopped loving me.

Now I want you back, I made a mistake,

But now is too late, you’ve already gone.

I love you so much, I’m sorry.

 

It’s been forever since I last saw your face, heard your voice.

Ever day that I’m alone is another day I die inside.

I wish I could tell you I’m sorry. Wish there was a choice,

To go back in time and take back what I did that day inside

His car. Wish I could take back the words, the hurt.

But it’s done and over with, and now, you see, my heart is dead.

I broke your heart, if you saw me now, you’d be curt.

My heart is destroyed. The tears fall as the barrel touches my head.

My hand shakes, I pull the trigger and hear a SNAP.

I have not the courage to end it all, to take an eternal nap.

 

Chorus:

Monster in the Darkness

Is all I shall be, now that no longer have you.

You couldn’t look at me straight out of your disgust.

I should’ve never done that, it destroyed you.

You were my happiness, I just took it for granted.

Fairytales aren’t meant to be forever.

Happy endings are something we take for granted.

But in truth, they happen only never.

I miss you so much, I’m sorry.

 

As I watch the blood from the cuts

Run down my arms in great dark red ruts.

My life blood spills as I see your face.

You must be a mirage, you’re not in this place.

I stitch these wounds upon my chest,

And hear your gorgeous voice say, “The best

Thing that’s ever happened to me.” But I fucked

Up, and now you’re gone. I’m sorry but he sucked.

I hold the pills within my hand,

And think of how many to take. I can’t.

 

Chorus:

I saw you on the news today.

Your mangled face, the gun in hand.

Now I’ve truly lost you, my day.

Now you’re never coming to my land.

I’m now lost, alone in this darkness,

Looking for something that’s already gone.

I’m just a Creature of this Eternal Darkness.

And no one is left to silence the gong.

I loved you so damn much.

Now you’re gone, I’m sorry.

Bloody Tears

Bloody Tears

 

Here I lie, yet again

On my floor, in my den.

As the tears fall from my eyes,

As the razor brings more cries.

I see the blood flow from my wrists

As though in neverending red lists

Of the shit that hurts me so.

It ends the pain, that’s all I know.

It makes me feel above the hate,

Above the hurt, not too late

To turn back time, to change my fate.

To finally wipe clean this blackened slate.

You always hurt me, make me scream.

I’m all alone, wish this was a dream.

I fucking hate you, for all you do

Is make me feel like nothing can I do.

You kick me down, onto the ground,

You make me feel the hurt, all around.

As the blood and tears run down my wrists,

I watch them mix, form turns and twists.

Along my skin, across the floor,

Upon my legs, there’s so much more.

It pools on the ground and touches the door.

I swear, to anyone else it’s a lot of gore.

But to me, this is my life.

Bloody tears, a mournful fife.

Good bye.

Deals with the Devil

Deals with the Devil

12/6/11

 

There she lurks,

In the shadows of the night.

Her light-skinned body

Is shrouded in the black of night.

She crouches in the shadows,

Hiding from the rest of the world.

Suddenly, she steps in a puddle.

The small splash echoes

Around the area,

Bounces off the walls

Of the surrounding buildings.

She freezes in her tracks as

The sounds of vicious barking

And ravenous howling

Fills the alleyways,

Totally surrounds her.

Terrified, she books it down the alley,

Back the way she came.

The howls come closer and closer

As she pants and gasps,

Racing through the maze of streets.

Suddenly, she can feel the hot breath

Of the beasts on the back of her neck.

One grabs her ankle

In its mouth and

Drags her to the ground.

She screams as she falls to her face,

Rolls over and stares into the

Blazing red eyes of the hell hounds.

Then they begin to bite at her.

They bite deep into her flesh and muscle,

Rip her apart, tear her limb from limb!

They rip out her throat and

Make her cough up blood.

Within minutes, she is dead.

The hell hounds leave and

Once again, she’s alone.

This time, lying in the shadows,

Stomach ripped open,

Drenched in a pool of her own blood.

So, just a suggestion,

Never make deals… with the devil.

 

Death to Her!

Death to Her!

 

She sits alone in a cold, dark world,

Trapped in her pit of despair.

A sharpened razor blade sits beside her.

She picks it up.

With swift, heavy motions,

Tears raining from her eyes,

She slashes at her wrists,

Her arms, her legs, her face.

She slashes at her breast and

Her stomach.

Everything he ever told her

That he loved about her.

She slashes at it all.

Destroying the supposed “beauty”

He claimed to have seen in her.

All of it,

She destroys it all.

She despises who she is,

Despises everything about herself,

Her face, her personality,

Everything!

She despises herself for what she is.

She slashes more and more,

And more and more of her blood drops

Shatter onto the ground.

She’s all alone, and now,

She’s dead… still alone.

Diary Entries of a Hope-Lost Daughter

Isolation

3/26/14

 

She sits in the forest,

Alone and isolated from the rest of the world.

The middle of Autumn.

The crisp, cool breeze rustles the trees’ leaves

Of vibrant reds, mellow yellows, and great greens.

She sits alone, thinking, just thinking.

Thinking about the past,

Contemplating the present,

Mesmerized by thoughts of the future.

The still-green tree stump

Rooted underneath her rump,

Her only stability.

The whispering trees and cold breeze,

Her only companions,

The only ones to hear her cries.

She feels alone, isolated from the whole world.

As though she’s all alone and no one else is there.

No one there for her in her time of need.

Sunken deep in the muds of utter depression,

Drowning in the pool of despair,

She’s no idea what to do next.

Who to believe, who to listen to.

She’s alone, and no one will hear her screams of anguish,

Her tortured cries and body-wracking sobs.

She’s all alone, lost in her world of isolation.

Will anyone save her?

Can anyone even attempt to?

F**k off Version 2

Fuck Off Version 2

 

Covering me face as I walk down the hall,

I hear your snickers, I hear them all.

My hand goes to my wrist to hide the scars

The razor blade makes, I see the stars.

I once was a light, now I’m a shadow.

I once was the day, now I’m the night.

I once was happy, now in my sorrow I wallow.

You killed my joy, you sent me to flight.

You kick me to the ground, and throw sand in my face.

You put me on a rack, and tear me limb from limb.

Your back stabs are like a knife wound to my face.

I will never belong here, I’m always standing on the rim

Of the world, any second I will plummet to my death.

I shall forever feel the reek of the demon’s breath.

Why, to you, am I nothing more than shit to crush?

Why the fuck do you treat me like a crutch?

You use me, break me, and in the dirt you throw me.

You kick me, hurt me, make me bleed.

You see these scars, you laugh at me.

As I lie there in the dust, tearfully make I a nasty creed

To watch you die and hear you scream.

To make you feel what I always feel.

You will wish, as I do, that this was just a dream.

But, in truth, it’s nothing more than the hand Fate to me did deal.

Her Betrayal

Her Betrayal </3

9/6/11

 

She walks alone down the halls,

A pale, eerie shadow of a girl.

Nothing more, nothing less.

And that’s all she is to Her,

The one who hurt her. Ashley.

All she is to Ashley,

Is a ghost of a friend,

A shadow of Her past.

Ashley no longer cares

About the girl who was once

Her best friend, Her fallback, Her sister.

Now this pale girl

Matters no more to Ashley

Than a piece of trash might matter.

Her advice,

Might as well just be

A whisper on the wind,

Mere words flung at a brick wall.

But now it’s her turn to retaliate,

It’s her turn to make Ashley hurt.

She walks down the halls now,

Head bent low in preparation,

Body draped in black cloth.

The sun glints off of

The silver dagger in her right hand.

She approaches room 333,

With a sparkle of murder in her black eyes,

She opens the door and watches as her black boots

Cross the threshold and walks straight to Ashley.

Ashley stands there, frozen,

Quivering and quaking like a frightened Chihuahua.

The girl raises her arm,

Exposing the dagger to the rest of the room.

Ashley screams shrilly

As the girl brings the glittering blade down quickly,

And cuts into Ashley’s soft flesh.

Ashley’s screams are cut short

As the dagger slices through Her vocal cords.

Arterial blood sprays everywhere

As Her ceratoid artery is severed.

No more will She tell Her lies,

No more will She betray her.

No more will She hurt her.

No more will She USE her!

The girl looms over Ashley

As Ashley takes Her last dying breath,

As the light slowly leaves Her eyes.

As Ashley lays there on the floor,

Dead, in a puddle of Her own blood,

The girl laughs hysterically, then begins to cry

At the deed she has just done.

She looks down at the ring on her finger,

The friendship ring she’d gotten from Ashley.

She begins to cry harder with loss and hurt,

But not with guilt. No, not with guilt.

Her Inner Tears

Isolation

3/26/14

 

She sits in the forest,

Alone and isolated from the rest of the world.

The middle of Autumn.

The crisp, cool breeze rustles the trees’ leaves

Of vibrant reds, mellow yellows, and great greens.

She sits alone, thinking, just thinking.

Thinking about the past,

Contemplating the present,

Mesmerized by thoughts of the future.

The still-green tree stump

Rooted underneath her rump,

Her only stability.

The whispering trees and cold breeze,

Her only companions,

The only ones to hear her cries.

She feels alone, isolated from the whole world.

As though she’s all alone and no one else is there.

No one there for her in her time of need.

Sunken deep in the muds of utter depression,

Drowning in the pool of despair,

She’s no idea what to do next.

Who to believe, who to listen to.

She’s alone, and no one will hear her screams of anguish,

Her tortured cries and body-wracking sobs.

She’s all alone, lost in her world of isolation.

Will anyone save her?

Can anyone even attempt to?

I am dead. No one gives a sh*t.

I am dead, No one gives a shit!

4/27/10

 

Salt dampens my jeans, my shirt, my face.

The flow is relentless, never ending.

Everyone oblivious, nobody seeing. A

Vixen, my friend, the only one to see my pain.

Even though tears stain my face, no one notices.

                           No one cares.

He stole my heart, then trampled on it.

As though I had no feelings, psychopathic.

Since he said goodbye, I haven’t been able to stay happy for long.

            No man can ever love, ever feel.

Demolish, unhinge, desert me.

Erase the sutures that once held my already-ravaged heart together.

Sever my life-line, my blood flow.

Transparent though I may be, I was never invisible to you.

Reverse this pain, I would if I could, but too much pain exchanged to

Overturn this cruel, demeaning verdict.

Yet no one can hear my anguished screams of torture, no one could

Ever save me from the tormenting hell I’ve created for myself.

Despite the love we once shared, it was never meant to be.

                 No promises are kept.

My blown-apart heart will forever be the gaping wound that never heals.

Everything that was once good has dispersed.

 

                I am forsaken. I am dead.

I Need You...

I Need You…

6/5/13

 

The tears stream down my face, as the razor blades used to ride over my arms a couple years ago.

He’s gone now. Only wants me as a friend.

Says he misses me. Says he still loves me. He still cares.

I don’t know what to really believe anymore…

My heart is shattered. My mind is destroyed.

My thoughts keep leading back to him and it makes me feel sick.

I’ve been crying since about 10 Monday night.

On and off, on and off.

It never goes away, this feeling of hopelessness.

This feeling of being alone.

This neverending feeling of loss and disappointment..

I’m alone now. With no arms of comfort to surround me.

At least not from the one whose arms I want around me.

I can’t earn any more kisses from the one whose kisses I ache for.

I cry for the warmth of the man whose love I need.

I cry for the love in his arms,

The care in his hugs and kisses and words.

I don’t know how I screwed up so bad.

All I wanted was his affection, his love.

And now, because of a few stupid fights,

I’ve lost all hope of gaining that back.

I miss him so much, it makes me sick to my stomach.

But I can’t get him back. He won’t let me come back to him.

He left, and now he says that, even though he misses me,

Even though it hurts him to be without me,

He can’t come back to me.

All because of some stupid little fights…

All because of my own stupidity…

I love this man more than I love life.

Hell, he is my life, my world.

And now he’s gone. And I can barely see through my tears.

I can say this all I want:

I’m fine. It only hurts to breathe.

But there’s an error with that..

And that is that I’m not fine…

I don’t think I will be for a long while, if at all.

I have friends who love me, a guy who loves me.

But I can’t seem to make myself turn to them…

I love him. I truly do. And that will never change.

I can’t move on in my life without him…

I kept all our pictures together…

All the things he gave me…

But does it all really matter? Not really…

I don’t want memories of him and I,

If they’re only going to destroy me more.

I want him by my side again.

I want his warm, loving arms around me again.

His gentle kiss on my forehead.

His strong hand in mine..

I want him back.

But he doesn’t want me back the same way…

Why, Goddess, why?

Why do you give me angels,

Just to take them away from me when I need them most?

Why do you enjoy seeing me die inside?

I love you, Edward Shubael Dimmick.

I just want you back. I want you to see how much I love you…

But I guess you don’t want to see it…

You gave me hope for a happier love…

You freed me from my depression.. and now you’re gone…

This hurts too much to bear…

Isolation

Isolation

3/26/14

 

She sits in the forest,

Alone and isolated from the rest of the world.

The middle of Autumn.

The crisp, cool breeze rustles the trees’ leaves

Of vibrant reds, mellow yellows, and great greens.

She sits alone, thinking, just thinking.

Thinking about the past,

Contemplating the present,

Mesmerized by thoughts of the future.

The still-green tree stump

Rooted underneath her rump,

Her only stability.

The whispering trees and cold breeze,

Her only companions,

The only ones to hear her cries.

She feels alone, isolated from the whole world.

As though she’s all alone and no one else is there.

No one there for her in her time of need.

Sunken deep in the muds of utter depression,

Drowning in the pool of despair,

She’s no idea what to do next.

Who to believe, who to listen to.

She’s alone, and no one will hear her screams of anguish,

Her tortured cries and body-wracking sobs.

She’s all alone, lost in her world of isolation.

Will anyone save her?

Can anyone even attempt to?

Mom

 Mom

February 7, 2014

 

I remember good times with you, sure.

But I also remember bad times with you, so clearly.

Remember that day, the last day of my high school junior year?

We went to Aunt Marie’s house.

We had an argument in the car, over my belief that you saw me as worthless.

We got in a fist fight upon arriving at Aunt Marie’s.

I ran inside and the verbal argument continued.

You outright called me worthless, then.

Do you remember that? Do you remember the hurt look in my eyes?

That haunted look that’s always lurked just beneath the surface

Of these blue orbs that open to my soul, these eyes that are as much yours as they are mine.

I used to look up to you, being the only parent present in my life and all.

But now I just see someone who only sees me as something not worthy of anything.

Someone who looks at me with anger and rage, with hatred for me being my father’s daughter.

That’s it, isn’t it? I’m so much like my father, and you absolutely hate it.

You hate how much I act like him, how many thoughts in my head

Correspond with thoughts that he has. You despise me for being so much akin to him.

I’ve never wanted to leave as much as I do now.

To just pack up some clothes and essentials while you’re at work,

And just up and leave. Walk out that door and not return.

You’d see my stuff missing and you’d wonder.

Don’t worry, though. I’d tell you the truth, once you realized I was gone.

I’d tell you the whole truth, too.

That I couldn’t stay anymore. I couldn’t deal with the constant favoritism shown to William,

And the constant anger catapulted at my face.

I couldn’t handle the stress that you caused, the anguish deep inside.

I mean, come on! I’m so much better off than so many other people my age out there.

Hell! So much better off than even some of my cousins around my age!

I’m not 16 and pregnant with my first child.

I’m not 19 with two kids and no way to support them.

I don’t have kids that I don’t even take care of.

I actually finished high school ON TIME and am now in college to become a teacher!

I smoke cigarettes, yes. But at least I don’t do any other drugs!

I’m clean! I’m not a full-blown alcoholic, not a druggie.

And I’m most definitely NOT the monster you make me out to be!

I’m actually doing something with my life.

I give you money from my FAFSA so you can pay for things that we need.

I’m trying to get a job so I can help support you and William! I don’t have to do that!

But I’m doing it out of the kindness of my cold heart.

But I’m done being your scapegoat every time something goes wrong or something isn’t done.

I’m done being your personal punching bag. I want out! And I want it NOW!

I can’t stand being in a house where I’m obviously not welcome.

As Three Days Grace so perfectly put it: “This house is not a home.”

I feel so invisible to you, except for in times when you’re angry and need someone

To let all your anger and frustration out on.

When you need someone to blame for all that’s going wrong.

I’m done living with someone who doesn’t truly care about me.

You say you’re so proud of my accomplishments,

That you brag about me all the time to your friends and coworkers.

I call bull on that. Why? Because you don’t prove it to me at home!

You say you love me, yet you often spit in my face.

I’m tired of always being the one to blame for everything.

I cannot, and will not, be here forever.

As soon as I get that job at Quikmart and work there for a couple months,

Get a few hundred bucks saved up and have security in my job,

I’m leaving! I. Am. Not. You!

Nor do I want to be. But I will tell you this. As soon as is possible,

I. Am. Gone. 

My Place in the Rain

My Place in the Rain

 

You see me pass by you everyday

Yet at the same time, you don’t see me.

You see the paper smile taped to my face.

This daily-donned façade of a happy me.

But inside is contained all the hurt and ache

From a million broken dreams, a hundred broken promises.

A teenage girl, lonely and dying of deadened heartache.

Has a boyfriend and all she can really think about

Is all the memories of an ex boyfriend she loves and misses.

 

All I can ever truly always be guaranteed

Is my place standing in the middle of the rain

As it pours down over my face, treating me like a seed.

My feet planted firmly on the ground, seeming insane.

While everyone takes cover indoors from the cold,

I stand alone in the pouring rain, drenched to the bone.

The salty tears streaming down my face mingle with the semi-cold

Fresh water of the rain. I stand there forever, still as stone.

For This is My Place in the Rain.

No Name 2

No name 2

10/30/10

 

Blood pooling around her broken body,

From her shattered wings, her broken heart.

Tears pouring down her grimy face,

Creating ashen streaks upon her cheeks.

As she sits, crouched in a corner,

A white rose lies at her feet.

Blood spatters and dots the lily-white petals

In an exquisitely grotesque artwork of beauty.

The razor lies to her left, a note to her right.

The edges of both of which are saturated in blood.

An apology and explanation.

On the note, her reasons.

The cuts gape open on her wrists, her chest, her legs.

Like scarlet, staring, sinister eyes

Covering her body whole.

Spiders of blood creep over her limbs,

Embrace her in ways nobody ever could,

Or even would. She was despised.

She giggles dazedly,

Playing, making shapes in her own blood upon the floor.

Suddenly, warm arms enfold her, lift her up.

It’s him. He’s come to save her from herself.

He carries her out, bandages her cuts.

Kisses her softly, tears in his eyes.

“I love you,” uttered from his lips.

Her teary response. “I hate you.”

No Name 3

No Name 3

 

Her feet pound across the hot pavement

As she races, trying to escape their jeers.

They laugh as their words follow her,

Tripping her, kicking her, destroying her.

Those words that cause such heartache,

Such a depthless feeling of loneliness.

They tear her apart, tear by pitiful tear.

They laugh as the tears pour down her face,

Mingling with the blood of a tattered heart.

 

A voice cries out in the night.

But nobody hears her, nobody cares.

It’s as though her only purpose in life

Is to be the victim forever.

To watch as her precious world

Crumbles and turns to ashes.

Depression coats her life.

It coats her words, her eyes, her thoughts.

They call her a pathetic poser

When all she’s trying to do

Is show who she really is inside.

 

They don’t understand, can’t understand.

Their eyes are clouded over with judgment.

She can never mingle with their group.

They hate her for being different.

They call her a little bitch.

They spit in her face, kick her to the ground.

She’s trapped under their glaring gaze,

In their spiked cage of darkness.

They watch her fall into the pit

Of despair, of deceit, of lonely emptiness.

They laugh like motherfucking hyenas.

No Name 8

No name 8

12/6/11

 

She crouches alone in the dark,

Shivering from the cold.

Shivering from the fear

Emanating from deep inside.

She fears that monster in the dark,

That foul creature

She knows is lurking in the

Deep black surrounding her.

She fears this monster coming out

From under the surface.

She can already feel

Her hatred for those guys growing,

Her eyes begin to blaze red,

Her teeth elongate and extend,

Becoming razor sharp.

Her back hunches over

And her nails sharpen to points.

An iron ball and chain

Is wrapped about her ankles

As she transforms into the monster, herself.

She fears the monster

Lurking in the blackness.

She fears herself.

Nothing is For Certain

Nothing is For Certain

9/8/14

 

Dark. Cold. Empty. Void.

Heartless. Desolate. Hopeless. Dead.

That is what state he put her in.

He dropped her like a piece of rotted trash,

In a way that instilled in her thoughts

The feelings that he never cared,

That he no longer wanted her, or even loved her,

In any way, shape, or form.

In a way that, to her, proved that he never truly cared.

She loved him more than anything,

Wanted nothing more than to stay with him forever.

She took his long-ago, now-broken promise

Quite seriously; the promise that, one day,

He’d put a ring on her finger

And make her his forever.

She took all his “I love yous” and kisses and caresses

As a symbolism of his true love for her.

Too bad for her, though.

Considering he moved on to his idea girlfriend:

The only female she’d ever really loved, her ex-girlfriend.

A gamer girl, a go-getter,

Someone who wasn’t afraid to try new things.

He’d found his ideal mate,

And left her standing alone, drenched in

A mixture of the rain pouring down on her… and her own tears.

He left her to cry herself to sleep at night.

To feel so much emotional agony and turmoil inside

That the only release she could find to really work

Was to slash up her legs with a knife,

An old habit she thought she’d rid herself of.

With him out of the picture,

She’s lost almost all hope for salvation.

She’s lost the ability, the reason,

To ignore her urges to self-mutilate

And keep herself clean of creating any more scars.

He was her reason to not cut,

To not wish pain upon herself,

To not have the hard-impressed belief that she deserved to be hurt.

He was her strength, her stability, her power of will.

But now he’s gone, and there’s nothing she can do about it.

On that begrudged night-- April 30, 2014--

She felt more emotional agony in one split second

Than she’d ever felt before.

The moment she realized she’d lost him for good

Was the moment she came to no longer believe

In “Happily Ever After”.

Not Welcome

Not Welcome

8/23/13

 

You constantly scream and shout at me to do everything,

Yet you never yell at William.

You threaten to kick me out of the house,

A house where I have not felt at home in years.

A house where I feel like the outsider,

The outcast, an intruder.

I constantly feel like I’m the intruder in that house.

I don’t feel welcome. Don’t feel at home.

I feel like you no longer really care about me.

Like I no longer really belong in that house.

I feel like I’m an outsider looking in.

My family doesn’t feel like MY family anymore.

William is the only thing holding me back now from leaving.

I don’t want to leave him alone with your foul attitude.

I don’t want to leave him alone in that house,

Where he won’t have me there to help when he needs the help.

I’m tired of pretending like everything is ok.

I’m tired of putting on a fake smile every day

Just to appease your spirit and make it seem

Like there’s nothing truly wrong.

Make it seem like there isn’t a war going on inside my head.

I’m tired of hiding what I really feel.

Yet, every time I’ve tried talking to you about how I feel in that house,

You always get overly upset and instantly say that I should move out then.

I’m tired of the fights and the anger.

I just want to be happy in my life.

I want you to be happy that I’m happy and doing well.

I want to be able to do all the things you want me to do.

But I’m petrified of driving, no one will hire me, and I can’t be the perfect daughter

For you.

I can’t be that perfect prissy daughter who does everything perfectly.

It’s not who I am. And I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not

Just to appease you.

I want you to be able to see me as I really am,

And love me for that.

But you just can’t, can you?

You can’t accept me for who I am because who I am isn’t who you want me to be.

I’m not perfect. I don’t get perfect grades.

I don’t have a job because no one will even give me a second glance.

I’m not a clean freak like you.

Sorry that I can’t be like you. Sorry that I’m not YOU.

I don’t WANT to be you though.

I am my own person and your life isn’t the life I want to live.

I’m sorry that I can’t fit into your standards of how and who I should be.

I guess I never will fit your standards.

I guess I’ll never really be acceptable in your eyes.

I’ll always be the outcast, the black sheep,… the intruder.

No matter how hard I try, I’ll never make you proud of me.

I wish I could. That’s all I want is to make you proud of your own daughter.

But, for some reason, I always seem to fall short.

William is perfect in your eyes and can’t seem to do any wrong.

At least, that’s how you perceive him as.

I’m always the wrongdoer, the liar, the brat.

I’m always the one who isn’t wanted, the one who isn’t asked about.

You always tell me, “Actions speak louder than words.”

Well, follow your own words.

Because, frankly, your actions half the time tell me that you hate me.

That you hate how I live my life and hate who I am as a person.

Everyone always wonders why I hate on myself and call myself mean names and stuff.

Well, I think I found the answer finally.

It’s because of you. Because of how you treat me.

I feel like such an outsider in my own home,

The place where I’m supposed to feel at peace,

That it’s affected me negatively.

It’s made me feel like I don’t belong anywhere

And that I don’t deserve to be happy with anyone.

Well, that is done and over with.

I have found out the reason why I am so disgusted with myself,

And that is going to stop.

You want me out of your hair? Fine.

As soon as I can find somewhere to go,

I’ll be gone. I’ll be done with your anger and disgust in me.

I just need to find somewhere else to move to,

And then I’ll let you be to your own life.

I’m tired of being your pin cushion,

Your toy voodoo doll that you pick and stab at

Every chance you get.

I’m tired of being the one you take all your anger out on.

It’s time for someone else to take up that role.

Take out your anger on Al, or yourself for all I care.

Just quit taking it all out on me.

I’ve been strong for 14 years now.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong and “just deal with it.”

If dad does move back here to Tucson,

And I still have nowhere to go,

I will move in with him so I’m out of your hair finally.

I know that he’ll show me what a real home truly feels like.

What it feels like to be an actual family.

I miss my father, I love him.

And that’s another thing that I quarrel with you about.

It’s been 14 years. It’s been long enough to hold hatred in your heart.

IT’S TIME TO BURY THE HATCHET.

It’s time to learn to forgive him and actually learn to MOVE ON.

I’m tired of being made the sacrificial lamb all because

You still hold a lot of hatred and anger towards him.

It’s time to move on with your life and learn to forgive.

I love my father very much.

I’m glad he’s back in my life finally.

And this time, I will not let him leave my life prematurely.

I love you mom. But you need to relax,

And stop being so harsh on me for things I can’t always control.

Opposite Forces

Opposite Forces

3/24/09

 

Sin and Salvation,

Joy and Sorrow,

Love and Hate,

Power and Weakness.

All these opposites;

Yet always clicked together.

Don’t get the differences yet?

Here are a few more to convince you.

Peace and Unquiet,

Awake and Asleep,

Comfort and Agony,

Human and Monstrosity,

Alive and Dead.

Catch my drift yet?

Cutting and Not Cutting,

Gushing Blood and Not,

Screaming in Depressed Agony and Sitting Calmly on a Couch with Your Boyfriend.

This is how the world appears through my eyes.

Everything in opposites, each negative opposite attracted to me.

Never a freedom do I own,

Never a right way do I see.

War and Peace are practically the same thing.

Love and Hate have no differences.

Neither Life nor Death holds purpose or fortune.

All opposite forces appear the same through my eyes.

       Opposite Forces…are Evil.

School Rocks

School Rocks

 

So sick of love, so sick of hate,

Cutting down life with one big slate.

Hating how people insult the teachers,

Overloaded with preachers.

On my back is where the world’s problems rest.

Leaking out blood with each killing attest.

Roaming the streets, wild and free,

Overaggressive teens and adults, all on a spree.

Cocking a gun, flicking a knife,

Killing within seconds, an innocent life.

Seeing death everywhere, seeing pain of life…

                     Bam, you’re dead

Someday

Someday

5/3/14

10:13 pm

 

I’ll be okay someday…

I’ll be able to move on… eventually…

I’ll finally be able to wake up in the morning

Without that sick feeling in my stomach,

Without looking beside me and realizing that you’re gone,

And feeling the tears cascading from my eyes.

One day, I’ll be able to see your picture

Without crying and feeling torn in two.

I’ll be able to hang out with you again,

Just us as friends,

Without feeling like I’ve lost everything.

I may one day finally be able to look at you,

And not feel anything at all.

No longer feel the hurt, the ache in my breast.

No longer feel the love that you shattered,

The deadened feeling in my heart.

Someday, I’ll be better.

But until that day….

Well… I’m a goner..

Until that day comes, I’m still shattered and destroyed inside.

I’m demolished and dead behind these false smiles.

Constantly crying, and feeling, and remembering

Memories long gone, long dead in the past.

Was it a mistake to love you, to care about you,

To sell my heart and soul to you?

I don’t know anymore.

All I know is this:

I’m tired of wasting my tears on someone who

No longer wants me, no longer loves me.

I’m tired of hurting over someone who

Might as well just say screw you and walk out of my life for good.

I’m scarred, internally and externally.

And there’s nothing anyone can do to fix that.

But maybe, possibly, one day.

Maybe someday,

Things will be better… and I’ll be alive again…

Maybe someday… I’ll be whole again…

But for now, it is not so.

Was it a stupid of me to make,

By telling you I loved you?

I don’t know. I just want you to know that I DO love you…

And I would have given up the world for you…

But I guess this is goodbye… 

Sticks and Stones, Guns and Knives

Sticks and Stones, Guns and Knives

12/8/09

 

Sitting in a corner, all curled up, hiding from the world.

Crying like a child, yet a freshman in high school.

He’s towering over her, shouting profanities and slamming his fists,

Bruises flowering over her pale skin.

The words don’t hurt, it’s the suffering blows.

A shattering gunshot, arterial spray everywhere, a surprised groan and the slam

Of a body as it collides with the earth.

Blood streams from the perforation in his neck like a river of rust.

The smell is a dragon’s flame; sulfurous, musty, foul.

Quiet sobbing, growing louder.

Footsteps. Arguing: “Not her, not her!”. A door bursts open.

A voice, filled with quiet anger and worry.

Warm, soft arms lift her up, carry her outside.

She cries into his shoulder, a mix of grief, pain, and horror.

It begins to rain and, as God’s tears mingle with hers,

Gradually her sobs become just shudders.

Sticks and stones are like guns and knives- they break bones, spirits, and

Cause maximum pain; but words shall never hurt me.

Sticks and stones, guns and knives; all weapons of mass destruction,

All man-made ways to cause and suffering.

Words cause no pain but in your soul when uttered from a loved one’s lips.

Words are just objects used to “inject self-created pain”.

Stronger Or Not

Stronger or Not

Written: 6/6/13

 

I'm getting stronger, day by painful day.

But it doesn't mean the pain has gone away.

It's still there, ringing in my head loud and clear.

But my strength is returning to me. My time to be me again, is drawing near.

I will never be the same. Oh no. Not the same.

But I might be better, or I might be insane.

Only time can tell what will happen

To this girl so fond of napping,

Cuddled up in the arms of her love,

At that time, feeling so high and above.

I've been broken, yes.            

I've been shattered inside my chest.

But if I can push through this, like a warrior,

I may no longer be the bad-news-carrier.

I might one day lift up my head,

And see the sunrise with love, not dread.

I will always love him, for he is my love.

But if I can't make it past this, I'll never again rise above.

Above all this pain, above all this heart break.

The things that watching the one you love leave tends to make.

I don't know if I'll ever love again,

For I am trapped inside my mind's den.

But if I can find the power to find love one day,

May the Goddess bless it in every single way.

I don't know how long it will take me to be able to trust,

But I don't want to live a life full of rust.

The rust of old relationships gone to hell,

The rust of a thousand promises broken without tell.

I don't want to live a life bathed in blood,

The blood of a broken heart, covered in bruises and crud.

I always wanted that perfect relationship with no fights, no anger.

But now I've come to see that there is no such thing as no anger.

All relationships start happy and then get bumpy,

But that's not a sign to end it all grumpy.

If you truly love someone with all your heart,

You fight for them to stay, no matter how tart.

You stay with them through it all,

Through the fights and through the fall.

If they leave, that's on them.

But if you leave for a selfish reason, that's on you, my friend.

If you leave behind someone who loves you with all their soul,

You might end up alone, with a dark and empty hole.

I'm just saying that I love with all I have,

But when it gets thrown in my face, it takes all I have

To not break down and nap for eternity.

I try to show you how to reach true love, even in frailty.

If you push me away because of a stupid reason,

I can't control that, today or in any other season.

But I'll leave you with this one thought:

If you had stayed, how much further would we have got?

 

I'm getting stronger, day by painful day.

But it doesn't mean the pain has gone away.

 

Time

Time

3/20/14

12:16 am

 

How do you stop time?

Or at least slow it down to give you

More time with a cherished loved one?

You don’t. You CAN’T.

Time isn’t something you can control,

Like the rowdiness of a family companion (dog, cat, etc.)

Or the turning on and off of the lights in your house.

Time is a hidden force, an unseen enemy.

Lying in wait, lurking in the deepest, darkest shadows

Just beyond the sight of your peripherals.

Time is an invisible monster,

With great, giant, clawed hands

That reach out and snatch up those you hold

So dear and precious to your heart

When you least expect it.

My lord, when you least want it to happen!

Time is like that creature in your nightmares,

That one that makes you shake and quiver in the corner,

When you haven’t even seen it yet.

That creature that, as soon as you awaken,

Disappears from your mind’s eye and becomes

Just another thought-to-be-imagined demon,

That which you can never remember the face of.

Time is the darkness in the corner of your room,

Watching over you as you sleep soundly in your warm bed.

That darkness which creeps ever so slowly and menacingly

Towards you, yet dematerializes as soon as you open your eyes

To cast your gaze around your moonlit bedroom.

Time is that unforeseen enemy that creeps and crawls

Behind the scenes of your life,

Stealing away your innocence here,

Taking away a most revered relative there.

Time is that ungodly demon,

That which deals the deadliest blows

To your very heart and soul

When the time is most definitely NOT right.

When you are already at a most fragile and broken state.

When you are already so torn apart inside

That Time just makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs.

Scream at the whole world, the whole UNIVERSE!

Scream until you can’t scream anymore,

Until your voice is cracked and hoarse, and your heart is deadened. 

And then Time goes even further with its disgraceful game,

And makes you curl up into a tiny ball

And cry, and cry, and cry.

Cry until you’ve cried so long that your tears run dry,

And your cheeks are stained with the salty patches that those

Great torrents of water bursting from your eyes

Have left behind in their wake.

Time takes away those you hold most dear to you,

When you’re not ready to say good-bye yet.

When you’re not ready to watch as that

Great black mahogany casket

Is lowered into an earthy hole in the ground.

When you’re not ready to see an urn,

Merely a small metal casket,

Encase all that was once your aunt, your uncle,

Your mom, your dad, your cat, your sister,

Your brother…. Your grandmother.

When you’re not ready to face the reality

That this could be the end.

That you might never again rest your eyes on that

Wonderful face of that wonderful person.

That you might never again talk with them,

Laugh and crack jokes with them,

Or even just sit there and cry in their arms.

Time is the evil-doer that hides in the night,

That part of the day that most people find the most relaxing,

And waits on its prey.

Just waiting to pounce and wreak havoc

Amongst the lives of many.

Time is the one that stole my baby girl,

My sweet angelic Gadget, my Witches’ Cat,

My sister, from me before her years were used up.

Stole my baby girl on May 13, 2012. 

Time…. Is the one stealing my Oma from me now…

Time… is evil…. 

The Artist

The Artist

8/24/11

 

She sits alone on a school bench.

No one else is present.

The school is empty,

It’s after dark.

She rocks back and forth,

Arms wrapped around her stomach,

Hands holding her elbows.

Blood coats her hands,

Spatters her clothes,

Her face, clings under her nails.

Tears race through the blood on her face,

Rain down from her crystal eyes.

A canvass lies at her feet,

Every inch covered by varying shades

Of red and brown and black.

The image,

That of a young girl,

Sprawled out on a stone table,

Nude but for a few shreds of cloth

Wrapped about her breasts.

A body lays at the live girl’s feet,

A knife protruding from the chest.

It is that of a young man.

He died of a literally broken heart.

The painting sits there,

Mocking the two teens, one living, one dead,

With the blood it was painted with.

Her wrists are slashed,

His chest is open, exposing his broken heart.

She lies beside him, tears still pouring from her eyes. She curls up against him,

Puts his limp arms around her shoulders.

Within minutes, she too is dead.

The Darkness Lies Within

The Darkness Lies Within

2/24/14

 

Trees thrashing amongst one another,

Crashing into each other,

Bashing their fellow kin with thorned fingers.

The sky overcast and blackened

By the angry clouds rushing in,

Crowding together to conceal

That brilliant blue ceiling above,

That which was just there moments before.

Hiding the golden yellows, ruby reds,

Tabby oranges, and royal purples

Entailing the comings and goings of the sun.

The sun! Where is the sun?!

That burning ball of white flame

Lies in hiding, just below

The crest of the green mountain tops.

The wind, oh how it howls!

Oh! How it moans and groans

As the trees tear one another apart.

Suddenly, the clouds part,

The golden rays of heavenly light peak through.

The wind slows to a soft breeze.

But then the clouds darken.

That wonderful ray of light disappears,

Once again suffocated by the clouds.

Then, those great puffy clouds finally burst,

And begin to sob.

The rain slams into the earth.

The breeze turns the land

Into a giant wind tunnel.

Trees uproot themselves,

The wind screams with rage,

And all the while the sky continues to cry.

And so it goes on.

The wind screaming, the trees thrashing,

The sky sobbing in great torrents.

When the fight concludes,

The sky clears, the wind stops,

And the torn and tattered trees stop their quarrelling.

All is at peace, it seems.

But not for long.

No, not for long.

The Monster Within

The Monster Within

1/21/11

 

You may not be able to break my blackened, shattered heart

But I sure as hell can shatter and destroy yours.

Don’t touch me, you’ll burn yourself.

Don’t try to get close, I’ll tear you apart.

I’ll take you down to Hell, I’ll give you many tours

Of the deepest, darkest corner of Hell itself.

For I am Hell itself, and, in the end, at the end of the day,

You’ll be lying at me feet, covered in blood, dead.

Don’t try to love me, you’ll never love a monster like me.

I refuse to ask you not to leave, to beg you to stay.

Because I know I’m only going to destroy you, crush your gentle little head.

I will torture you, I will kill you inside and I’ll NEVER hear your plea.

     Goodbye! *slice*

The Past

The Past

11/24/13

2:16 a.m.

 

The past. It often catches up to us when we least expect it.

The past. It often pops up when we don’t want it to.

It’s that dark shadow that crosses the room

At the edges of your peripherals.

It’s that tiny voice in the back of your mind,

Speaking in soft tones of times long gone.

The past is that small inkling of recognition you get

When you cross paths with someone you once

Held dear and close to your heart.

It’s that feeling you get in your heart,

That feeling of emptiness,

And deep longing for comfort and replacement.

But you can’t replace what’s already gone.

You can’t lose a friend and have someone else take their place.

You can’t lose a girl,

A girl you held so close to your heart that it hurt to let her go,

And just find someone else to fill the gaping hole she left behind.

You fall in love,

Not always only once in your lifetime,

And not always with someone of the opposite gender.

You fall in love,

And you lose your chance with that one that you love.

But you can’t get that chance back.

And you remain good friends with that person.

And yet, society frowns down upon you if,

God forbid,

You become jealous when you see her out with another girl.

When she replies to others’ messages and not your own.

When she posts that she’s so happy,

Thanks to someone that’s not you,

And it breaks your heart to see these things.

It breaks your heart to realize that you lost your chance.

That now it’s time for someone else to take your place.

Time for someone else to take the place you left behind,

Empty and isolated.

It hurts to see her laughing, smiling, holding hands

With another young woman.

But all you can really do is sit back and watch,

Tell her you’re happy for her and let it be.

Because, how dare you get upset over her being with someone else.

How dare you be upset over the fact that, of all the criteria she’s told you

About her girlfriend needing to be,

You fit the bill almost perfectly.

How dare you feel hurt and isolated

From your first true love,

From your very first good relationship.

I mean, it’s not like she loved you back or anything.

It’s not like she wanted you back as much as you wanted her.

It’s not like you two had so much in common

That you felt a heat wave of a connection tying you together.

It’s not like you were always there, always waiting,

Waiting for a chance to win her back,

To be the one she’s been waiting for to make her happy again.

Even if only for a temporary amount of time.

It’s not like you loved her…

And told her of your love time and time again.

No. It’s not like any of that happened.

Even though it did.

Who knows? Maybe one day,

One miraculously fateful day,

Your paths will cross again and twist and turn to combine a

United embrace of happiness and caring.

But I doubt it. I highly doubt it.

Because, once you lose that opportunity,

It’s rare to get a second chance at that which you wish to occur.

It’s rare… To get a second chance at your first love. 

The PeaceMaker (PeaceKeeper)

 

The PeaceMaker (PeaceKeeper)

10/29/14

By Kayla Stiles

 

Your cold, unfeeling skin touches upon mine

And suddenly my pain is numbed for the time being.

A quick slit, a lasting sting,

And my heart can finally breathe again.

I hold you tightly in my grasp,

And marvel at how something so small, so ordinary,

Could bring to me such relief,

Such blissful release.

Release from the pain of my day.

Release from the feelings of not belonging anywhere,

Of not being welcomed by anyone.

It’s only temporary, never permanent.

Your fingerprints are all that remain behind,

Fading ever so slowly from my legs.

Your loving caresses leave behind such lasting impressions,

That which make it difficult to wear

Anything other than jeans for a while,

Lest someone should see

The shadows your fingers leave behind

After each of our passionately feverish sessions.

But I don’t worry much about it.

No, not at all.

Because, in those dark and lonely moments,

I find the price to be well worth

The resulting inner peace.

The very touch of your silvery skin

Clears my head of all the violent thoughts,

Silences all the angered, disparaging voices.

When you put your hands on me,

Everything becomes clear for a time,

And all the pain just seems to dissipate,

Leaving behind a moment of clarity,

A feeling of safety.

Your not-so-gentle hands

Shred apart my tortured flesh

And bring the blood out

From underneath the skin of my limbs.

You cause the juicy red fluid

To trickle down my legs,

Making a tiny stream of its own.

An instant of crystalline beauty and serenity.

Your very touch gives me the highest of highs.

Your fingerprints cleans me of the day’s distresses—

Not feeling welcome, at home, at peace;

Dealing with all these dark memories

Harbored deep inside.

Locked away tightly in a box.

Never to be unleashed again—

Every time our lips touch,

And the love-making begins,

You make me a promise to never let go,

To always love me, for me, forever and

Always be there by my side,

Come whatever may.

You whisper such sweet, doe-eyed words

Of love and lust to me,

To my very time-hardened heart,

By way of the gaping wounds you inflict upon me.

You make me a vow to take away all the pain.

To one day kiss my shaky limbs

And take my very breath away.

To one day heal every wound—

Spiritual, Mental, Emotional,…. And Physical—

That has ever been done unto me.

You make me the everlasting, everloving promise

Of one day finally bringing to me pure happiness and joy,

And relieving me of all my inner woes.

All my demons and emotional agonies

Associated with not belonging anywhere.

You promise me eternity.

And I know that you, above all others, actually mean it.

I trust you, I feel safe with you.

I love you…

Despite all the scars your sharp edges cause.

I love you…

Despite all else screaming at me that I shouldn’t.

I love you…

Because your familiar sharp blade and metal grip

Bring me a feeling of peace and tranquility and release.

That ability that which I’ve yet to be able to find in another person.

I love you…

Because you hurt me,

But because, too, you take the pain away.

I love you…

 

The Sleeping Princess

 

The PeaceMaker (PeaceKeeper)

10/29/14

By Kayla Stiles

 

Your cold, unfeeling skin touches upon mine

And suddenly my pain is numbed for the time being.

A quick slit, a lasting sting,

And my heart can finally breathe again.

I hold you tightly in my grasp,

And marvel at how something so small, so ordinary,

Could bring to me such relief,

Such blissful release.

Release from the pain of my day.

Release from the feelings of not belonging anywhere,

Of not being welcomed by anyone.

It’s only temporary, never permanent.

Your fingerprints are all that remain behind,

Fading ever so slowly from my legs.

Your loving caresses leave behind such lasting impressions,

That which make it difficult to wear

Anything other than jeans for a while,

Lest someone should see

The shadows your fingers leave behind

After each of our passionately feverish sessions.

But I don’t worry much about it.

No, not at all.

Because, in those dark and lonely moments,

I find the price to be well worth

The resulting inner peace.

The very touch of your silvery skin

Clears my head of all the violent thoughts,

Silences all the angered, disparaging voices.

When you put your hands on me,

Everything becomes clear for a time,

And all the pain just seems to dissipate,

Leaving behind a moment of clarity,

A feeling of safety.

Your not-so-gentle hands

Shred apart my tortured flesh

And bring the blood out

From underneath the skin of my limbs.

You cause the juicy red fluid

To trickle down my legs,

Making a tiny stream of its own.

An instant of crystalline beauty and serenity.

Your very touch gives me the highest of highs.

Your fingerprints cleans me of the day’s distresses—

Not feeling welcome, at home, at peace;

Dealing with all these dark memories

Harbored deep inside.

Locked away tightly in a box.

Never to be unleashed again—

Every time our lips touch,

And the love-making begins,

You make me a promise to never let go,

To always love me, for me, forever and

Always be there by my side,

Come whatever may.

You whisper such sweet, doe-eyed words

Of love and lust to me,

To my very time-hardened heart,

By way of the gaping wounds you inflict upon me.

You make me a vow to take away all the pain.

To one day kiss my shaky limbs

And take my very breath away.

To one day heal every wound—

Spiritual, Mental, Emotional,…. And Physical—

That has ever been done unto me.

You make me the everlasting, everloving promise

Of one day finally bringing to me pure happiness and joy,

And relieving me of all my inner woes.

All my demons and emotional agonies

Associated with not belonging anywhere.

You promise me eternity.

And I know that you, above all others, actually mean it.

I trust you, I feel safe with you.

I love you…

Despite all the scars your sharp edges cause.

I love you…

Despite all else screaming at me that I shouldn’t.

I love you…

Because your familiar sharp blade and metal grip

Bring me a feeling of peace and tranquility and release.

That ability that which I’ve yet to be able to find in another person.

I love you…

Because you hurt me,

But because, too, you take the pain away.

I love you…

 

The Truth

The Truth

4/10/12

 

You think you see me,

But you really don’t.

You don’t see this crippled soul,

This shattered body,

That lies naked on the floor.

You don’t see this tortured flesh,

Cowering in the deepest shadows of all.

You see what you want to see,

What I want you to see!

You see a happy girl,

Whole and intact.

You see a bright smile,

A supposedly beautiful face

Half hidden under a mess

Of golden blonde hair.

You see a child of the light.

But you will never see

The truth.

You will never see the pain that

Lies behind those blue eyes.

You’ll never see the heartache,

Hidden deep behind that bright smile.

You want to know why you’ll

Never see the truth behind the lies?

It’s because you are all angels, with beautiful

Wings and wonderful souls.

You have no need to worry about

A demon hiding in your midst.

You have no need to worry

About what goes wrong

In my life.

You have your own problems

To deal with.

My issues, and my problems,

Should be of none of your concern.

You have your whole lives ahead of you.

I may only live for a while longer.

At least my body will.

For my heart has long-since died inside.

I am damaged, and I am broken,

And there’s nothing

That anyone can do about it.

The Whispered Lies

The Whispered Lies

4/24/12

 

You sit on a small clump of exposed tree roots,

Curled up into the side of the massive weeping willow.

Her beautiful drooping branches sway gently in the wind,

And cover you from view from anyone else.

It’s just how you like it.

The wind gently sweeps your hair back and forth

In front of your face.

The gentle swaying of the black strands,

And the coolness of the breeze,

And the comfort of the tree,

Cause your eyes to beings to slowly close as,

Gently, you are lulled into a light doze.

You wake up suddenly and the hour is beginning to grow late.

You don’t know how long you’ve been sleeping.

Maybe only a couple minutes, maybe a few hours.

All you know is that the sun has begun to

Slowly drop below the reach of the trees,

Down, down, down behind the vast purple mountains in the distance.

You hear a loud crack, as that of someone stepping on a small branch.

Startled, you jump up from your small nook,

Your long black skirt falling past your feet,

The hem pooling on the ground.

Scared, you lift up your skirt hem off the ground,

And begin to push through the drooping branches of the Mother Willow.

Frantic to get out of the reach of the foreign invader,

It’s as though the branches snag and grab at you,

Trying to hold you back.

Fearfully, you cry out and yank yourself

Out from the tree’s clutches.

The sounds of snapping branches continues,

Growing closer and closer.

Suddenly, you look behind you, and out from the clutter of trees,

Illuminated by the red light of the setting sun,

Steps a black mass.

It is neither man nor creature.

It has fur as black as night,

And eyes red as a maraschino cherry.

Yet it stands erect on legs like a man’s.

Its arms reach down to its knees,

Massive, sharp-as-a-razor claws extending from the tips of the fingers.

Terrified, you turn around and start to race back towards safety.

You hear the creature pick up speed and begin to race after you.

The sun is now just above the horizon.

It will be dark within minutes.

The woods fill with whispered voices,

Telling you to run, that it will eat you,

That nobody like you anyway.

You scream at them to go away,

Fear making your voice sound high and unlike your own.

Tree branches reach out to snag at your clothes,

Roots rise from the ground to trip you up.

Suddenly, your feet catch on a loose root and

You stumble and fall on your hands and knees.

You sit there on your hands and knees,

Listening to the sound of your heavy breathing.

Suddenly the sound of your breathing

Is covered by the sound of snapping twigs

And crashing branches.

The footsteps are slow and deliberate.

Suddenly, he’s right behind you,

Not even 3 feet from your paralyzed body,

Crouched there in the grips of fear.

Your voice hitches as tears fill your eyes.

The thing laughs at your terror.

The touch of its long claws

Scrapes along your spine.

You shiver and cry out in pain.

But no matter how much you urge

Your muscles to move,

Tell your legs to stand up and carry you far away to safety,

You’re locked in a paralysis and you can do nothing

But sit there, transfixed by unknown forces.

You wait with baited breath as you hear

Its cold, harsh laughter.

You look into those bright, malicious red eyes,

And await your doom.

Unknown

Unknown

4/10/12

 

Do you see what I see,

When I look in the mirror?

NO!

Do you see the pain I feel,

Every time you turn from me?

Never!

You can never know me

As well as you think you do.

For how could you

When you’re gutless and cursed?

How could you possibly

See what I see every day,

When you don’t even care?

You can never see me

For who I am.

For who I am,

Is a deadly monster

That will kill you

With one glance into my eyes.

These cold, heartless eyes

That I open every morning

And close every night.

You could never see

The monster that I truly am,

For angels only see goodness.

They never see the truth.

All of you believe in nothing but the good!

Why do you never see things

For what they really are?

It’s all an illusion you see.

This beautiful creature that you think is me

Really is just a mirage.

It’s all a big façade.

In truth, I’m a monster.

I try to be there for people,

Try to love others,

So as to cover up my many flaws,

To hide my inadequacies.

I’m a selfish being who would,

More than likely, in the event of the choice

Between my life,

And the life of another,

I’d take the life of another…

Because I’m just that mean…

I don’t trust myself,

And I don’t love myself.

These are my unknown secrets…

I’m a monster.

Don’t trust me…

Why Am I Crying?

Why am I Crying?

5/12/14

11:53 pm

 

Why am I crying? For some stupid reason again?

Or for a good reason for once?

Why do these tears threaten to slip from my glossy eyes,

And trickle down my cheeks?

I feel pain inside… For reasons untold.

I feel pain outside… For feelings unseen.

I feel loss, and despair, and a darkening of my thoughts.

But what for? What brought this on today?

Is it the loneliness that I feel?

That which only is risen by the lack of contact?

Is it the sorrow that’s seemingly gripped my soul

With a cast-iron clench?

Or is it something else?

Something unforeseen and untold of?

I don’t know anymore.

I know I feel alone, but for why I cannot tell.

I know I feel empty, hollow,

But for why I cannot see.

Can anybody help me? Or is this mine to fight alone?

Impressum

Texte: Kayla Stiles
Lektorat: Elinor Skinner and Tatyana Jackson
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 10.05.2014

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Widmung:
This goes out to the one I wanted to spend my life with, my ex boyfriend, Edward Dimmick... If it weren't for you breaking it off with me and just giving up on me, I probably wouldn't be sharing this with my fellow self-mutilators. Thank you...