FORWARD
Forward
“The concept of randomness and coincidence will be obsolete when people can finally define a formulation of patterned interaction between all things within the universe.”
― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident: Insiden Bait Al-Jauza
One of the things in life which truly fascinates me is the way in which people interact with one another. We do it all the time, mostly without even realizing it. If we are walking down the street, at work, in every single aspect of our waking life we interact with another human being and they interact with us.
It could be anything from a look, a word, a smile or our own body language. We are programmed to socialize, it’s in our genes. Do we realise what we are doing whenever we step outside the front door? Do we ever think about or worry about the way we come across to others. Maybe someone says we look ridiculous today or that we clearly don’t own a mirror where we live because if we did and we looked in it, we wouldn’t have gone out dressed like this. Do you ever look at someone and instantly make a judgment’s about the kind of person they are, how they may speak, what their home life is like, or how they live their lives? I challenge anyone to answer no to that question. The question I should be asking you is, do you REALISE that you do this? I expect in that case, your answer to be a resounding…NO.
So what if we were to take this activity, this subconscious brain function, and being to gradually put the reins on it. What would we do if we could learn to accept it, appreciate it, control it and influence it to our own advantage? Would the way we present ourselves to others change? Would we suddenly become different people altogether? These are questions which only we, as individuals, can answer. It’s a question I have asked myself ever since I was 12. How do others see me? What can I do to change the way people view me? Would I become more popular, more successful, more desired a better person?
I will tell you my secret; I used to be embarrassed about the way I came across to others when I was a child. As soon as I was old enough to understand it, I changed my own persona almost, depending on the situation I was in at the time. For example, imagine you are using a Nintendo WII console. For those who do not know what one is, when you use it, you can great an avatar, or a ‘Me’. This is you. You can dress it in clothes you like, whatever colours you like, give it whatever hairstyle you like, or become anyone you want to. The same can be done if you spend a lot of time online using social networks. You can be whoever you want to be, and, providing it is not misused, it’s a great way to have an active life and increase your friends circle. I had one ‘ME’ for when I was with my friends in the local pub, ’The Social Me’ one ‘ME’ for when I was at work, the ‘Professional Me’, one me for when I was out and about by myself (especially in my single days), the ‘Mysterious Me’, one ‘Me’ for when I was on dates ‘The Romantic Me’, one ‘Me’ for when I was on holiday ‘The Relaxing Me’ etc., etc. the list can go on. Obviously not losing sight of who I REALLY was. This was a combination of all of these; I just chose which one to use depending on where I was at the time.
This Interaction enabled me to increase my circle of friends and especially in dating, significantly improved my chances of success as if I was bringing a date to any of the above mentioned scenarios, they would be treated to a different side of me they had not seen before. It added layers to my personality and helped me to learn a multitude of tools of life and have extensive experiences which, today, I hold extremely dear.
So how does Interactional Psychology work? Do you want to find out who you can REALLY be?
CONTENTS
Contents
Book 1
Real Life
Chapter 1: Interactional Psychology
- What Is It?
- Human Behaviour
- How Can It Be Applied?
- Common Themes
- The Carnage & Choreography Theory
- Behavioural Patterns
Chapter 2: Social Psychology
- Understanding Your Surroundings
- Social Persona
- Your Effect On Others
- Paint Your Picture
Chapter 3: Social Structure
- The ’Lone Wolf’ Theory
- Group Dynamics Simplified
- Social Structure
Chapter 4: Group Dynamics
- Profiling Groups: Men
- Profiling Groups: Women
- Social Venues
Chapter 5: Interactional Psychology Uses
- Interactions At Work
- Interactions At Play
- Interactional Experiments
Chapter 6: Attraction
- Show Your Best Side
- First Impressions
- Dating & Sexual Encounters
Chapter 7: Professional Interactions
- Workplace Friendships
- Workplace Romance & Relationships
- Workplace Group Dynamics
- Work / Life Balance
Chapter 8: Approach & Greetings
- The Main Approach
- Greetings & Impressions
Book 2
Online
Chapter 1: Online Profiling
- Who We Are
- Who We Present
- Who To Trust
- Reasons For Interaction
- Dating & Friendship
- Work
Chapter 2: The Effects of Online Interactions
- Social Media
- Chat Rooms
- The Effects On Our Lives
Chapter 3: Social Behaviour & Interaction Online
- Cultural Interaction
- Getting to know people
- Social Online Communities
- Online Behavioural Patterns
- Generalized Trust
- Disinhibitions & Desensitization
- Male Vs Female Interactions in Social Online Environments
Chapter 4: Interaction in Online Social Groups
- Structure
- Status
- Power
- Leadership
Chapter 5: Cybercrime and Criminal Interactions Online
- Effect on Crime rate
- Reasons for Interaction Online
- Examples of Online Criminal Interactions
- Profiling Cyber Criminals
Chapter: 6 Interactions & Stress Linkage
- Interactions & Stress – The Link
Chapter: 7 Methods of Interaction Online
- Instant Messenger
- Chat Rooms / Discussion Forums
Book 3
Interactions & The Mind
Chapter 1: How Well Do You Interact?
- Can We Really Interact without words?
- The Effect of Interaction without words
Chapter 2: Stumbling Blocks To Interaction
- Why Do We Seek Out Certain Interactions
- Why Do We Avoid Certain Interactions
Chapter 3: Theory of Non-Verbal Interaction
- Can We Really Interact without words?
- The Effect of Interaction without words
Chapter 4: Interactions & Memory
- Why Do We Seek Out Certain Interactions
- Why Do We Avoid Certain Interactions
Chapter 5: The Future of Interaction
- Dangers
- Improvements
Chapter 6: Mind Over Matter
- Mental Interaction Theory
- Visual Interpretations
Chapter 7: Associative Influence
- Influence by Association, What Is It?
- Powerful & Subtle Associative Influence
- Priming
- Pros & Cons of Associative Influence
- Association with Computer Games
- Motivation, Behaviour & Learning
BOOK 1: REAL LIFE
Book 1
Real Life
Chapter 1: Interactional Psychology
Chapter 1:
Interactional Psychology
What Is It?
Interactional Psychology is the science behind human interaction. It deals with three main subjects:
- HOW people interact
- WHY people interact
- TYPE of interaction
As a species, humans are pre-programmed to interact with each other. Since the time of the dinosaurs, we have learned to interact, to band together, in order to survive, build civilizations, and adapt to an ever changing world. We have found that, together, humans are able to achieve miraculous and impossible feats. Humans have battled the dinosaurs, battled each other, and bonded together to build and populate our race over billions of years in a complicated yet effective way.
Humans have devised ingenious ways to communicate and to form relationships with others of the species in order to protect their own position, gain territory and climb the social hierarchy. Interaction between humans has defined us as a race and enabled us to, co-ordinate battles, invent tools which make life easier (supposedly), build super-societies and run vast countries and continents. The achievements of man have all been a result of how we all communicate and interact with each other. Interaction also involves feedback – implicit information – that helps A and B coordinate actions necessary to work together on a shared task, or perform any kind of joint action. Conversation can be viewed as a joint action whereby participants establish mutual understanding “common ground”. However, joint action does not always involve using language.
Our interaction has built and sustained worldwide organisations, our success in the world of these organizations depends on how much human-human co-operation there is among those who are part of the organisation. In workplaces, it’s hierarchies or a network, and it has to have the right kind of interaction with persons belonging to these groups if it is to have a quick and effective way of working, as for example in the context of innovation.
For many reasons, the generation of ideas and its selection is the most exciting part of innovation. But to do this we would need to find out how the project should work, what means to dedicate time and resources (interact) to ensure its success.
Different disciplines pointed out as being interactions that are related and interdependent systems and where are verifiably that every action has a consequence. For most of us, achieving good results in solving problems or satisfaction of needs means that we need to increase the number of positive interactions that we have on our environment and reduce our negative interactions.
But although humans have managed to put man on the Moon, we have yet to fully understand WHY we are drawn to certain types of people, groups and ideals and how we grow our friendship and social groups, and how we attain popularity. Scholars and academics have studied the secrets which lie beneath the human psyche to establish whether there is any kind of trigger system or direct sign which suddenly gives us the boost we need to go out and increase our social groups as well as our professional groups.
Human Behaviour
As we are all humans, effectively going about our daily lives, making a constant stream of A or B choices, we must also remember one simple fact. We all have a life A or B decision to make. Are we CONSTRUCTIVE humans or DESTRUCTIVE humans?
It may sound like a simple question to ask ourselves but let’s first break the question down. What is it that defines us? What is it that is the very first thing people see when they see us walking down the street? It’s in everything we do, everything we are, and we notice it subconsciously in others but seldom take the time to really study it. Some parts of it WILL jump out at us, for example if we see someone wearing crazy coloured clothes which do not match, or someone with an outrageous hair style, a lot of piercings or tattoos, even someone who is dressing provocatively or acting in a certain way.
It is all about our BEHAVIOUR. How do we behave both publically and privately? What kinds of things does this behaviour say about us as individuals? And how does this behaviour change depending on the circumstances we are in? In my long and varied career, I have been lucky enough to have encountered many individuals, some of whom I have come to know as close friends. Each one of them however, didn’t always start off that way and each had a completely different set of behavioural patterns.
10 Destructive Traits
Compared with most animals, we humans engage in a host of behaviours that are destructive to our own kind and to ourselves. We lie, cheat and steal, carve ornamentations into our own bodies, stress out and kill ourselves, and of course kill others. Science has provided much insight into why an intelligent species seems so nasty, spiteful, self-destructive and hurtful.
1: Lie
2: Crave Violence
3: Stealing
4: Cheating
5: Bad Habits
6: Bullying
7: Body Modifications
8: Stress
9: Addiction: Gambling
Drinking
Smoking
Drugs
10: Gossiping
How Can It Be Applied?
There are many ways Interactional Psychology can be applied to everyday life. As it is something that we all do subconsciously, it can significantly boost our ability to converse more effectively with others and make ourselves more easily understood. It can also benefit our chances in a number of arenas. For example, the below list is a few good places where the Psychology of person to person interaction can really come into its own.
- Social Behaviour
- Dating
- Meetings
- Networking
- Understanding Conflict
- Avoiding conflict
- Dispute resolution
- Social interaction
- Friendship
- Professional Relationships
- Problem solving & employee relations
- Disciplinary actions in a workplace
Social Interaction
Behaviour that social is oriented towards other people. For an interaction to be social, it requires several factors: 2 or more parties have to be present & the act must be so that others are included or it cannot be done alone.
There must also be a degree of expectation from both parties. The act must be mutually beneficial, in other words, both parties need to get something out of it or benefit from it in some way, such as mutual enjoyment.
The difference between social from non-social behaviour, is whether the other person or persons feelings, viewpoint and ability to benefit from the act is taken into account in during the social act. For example, since the smoking ban, smoking has become probably more social than it ever was before. When you are able to smoke, say, in a pub, many people will just light up without moving into another area to join other smokers. Now people have to go outside to smoke, the chances for groups to grow and others, even nonsmokers, to join in, increases.
I used to drink at a local pub where they held a weekly Karaoke and Bingo. Before the smoking ban, people were limited to their own tables and would smoke where they were sat rather than leave to go outside. Now the smoking ban has been introduced, between singers or bingo rounds, people would get up and walk outside into the smoking area to smoke, thus increasing the chances for conversation and the growing of new friendships. Then came the introduction of ‘Smoke Breaks’ by the MC/Bingo caller which consisted of regular 5-10 minute breaks so that the smokers could congregate outside and smoke.
One thing I noticed with this act, was that, especially during the summer months, more and more NON smokers would join the smoking group outside to continue conversations. This never happened before the smoking ban. People before this just used to stay sat at their tables and limited the amount they socialized. For me personally, by joining in this act of physically relocating to another area, forged many new friendships and actually FORCED me to speak to people I would never have spoken to beforehand.
Why did this occur? Because we were all put together in a small location (in this case it was the covered and heated smoking area). Eventually, more people stayed outside in the smoking area, than actually stayed inside the pub.
This act suddenly gave me an idea. Because I used to visit many clubs and bars in order to study people and also for dating purposes, I realised that, after watching the club for a few hours, the numbers of women compared to men would diminish. After a while I decided to check out the smoking areas and found many of the more attractive women were congregating in the smoking areas to exchange gossip, have conversations or to escape protective friends in order to chat to guys they liked that their friends didn’t approve of. This got me thinking. So I used to carry a packet of 10 cigarettes and a few lighters with me wherever I went.
Soon, after a few drinks, and many hours of hanging around smoking areas, I found I was being approached and spotting chances to approach others under the guise of either asking for a light, or providing one to someone, who, say couldn’t find their lighter or cigarettes. This was THE perfect icebreaker and led to many conversations, exchanges of telephone numbers and dates as well as some awesome new friendships.
Take standing in a queue at an ATM or in a shop, as another example of how social interaction can be applied. Or walking to a specific location through crowded town of Saturday afternoon shoppers. Have you ever stopped to watch the way people move through the crowds? This simple innocent act can also constitute a social interaction. Many people are moving either the same way or in opposite directions, all committing the same social act: Movement!
Watch how people consider other people when trying to get from A to B.
Some people consider others as mere physical objects, as human barriers with certain reflexes. Neither is keeping in step in a parade of social behaviour.
Other marchers are physical objects with which to coordinate one's movements. Neither is a surgical operation of social behaviour.
The patient is only a biophysical object with certain associated potentialities and dispositions.
Notice how people’s behaviour in that social action, changes and is impressed upon others. For example, notice how some people move through the crowds with precision and strategy, spotting the gaps, planning their route, working out alternatives if the woman with the shopping bag approaching them moves left when they do or right to avoid them. How does that impact on others? Many will be grateful that person is out of their way as quickly as possible so they do not have to bump into them, some will get angry that the other person seems to have more luck getting through the crowds. Some will not even notice them at all. All these impressions impact on all the other people around them. But it is STILL classed as a social interaction and I bet you will find a few strangers in that crowd of people begin commenting to each other about the flow of people traffic, the amount of people and how they wish they’d chosen another route. It all adds up to a social interaction.
Social acts, actions, and practices
A social act is any intention, aim, plan, mission or purpose which encompasses another person These may be affecting another's emotions, intentions, or beliefs; or anticipating another's acts, actions, or practices.
Examples
- Dating
- Helping another run for a political office
- Teaching
- Buying a gift
- Trying to embarrass an enemy
- Stopping to let someone cross the road in front of you when you are driving
- Holding a door for someone
Social actions then are directed towards accomplishing a social act.
- The actions of an adolescent running away from home and living in a commune for a year to prove his independence to his parents
- a physicist working in an isolated laboratory for years on a secret weapon for U.S. defence
- the actions of a girl combing her hair to look attractive for her date
- Holding a door for an attractive person in the hope of getting a smile and conversation
- Allowing someone to borrow your lighter or donating a cigarette in a smoking area or other location
Non-social acts
- Aiming for a college degree
- Trying to enhance one's self-esteem
- Planning to go fishing
- Intending to do scientific research on the brain
- Writing a book
- Watching TV
No other self is involved in these acts, but may be involved in the associated actions.
Are such actions social if the act is not? Of course. Associated actions are still social if they include or are aimed at another's feelings, beliefs, or intentions, or if they anticipate another's acts, actions, or practices.
For example, in trying to achieve a college degree, usually a non-social act, we may have to consider a professor's perspective in answering an exam, or an adviser's personality before selecting him or liaise with someone for research purposes.
Social practices
These are rules, norms, custom & habits which encompass or anticipate another person's emotions, thoughts, or intentions.
- Shaking hands
- Refusing to lie to others
- Passing another on the right
- Holding a door or chair for someone
- Informing another the ATM is out of action
- Stopping your car to allow someone to cross the road or giving way to another driver
- Allowing someone to queue in front of you in a shop or line etc.
Social & Non-Social Acts
Habits that can manifest while alone or in a social environment
- Drinking
- Smoking
- using the proper utensils when dining alone
- Listening to music
- Computer games
- Reading
Social Interaction
We are able to differentiate between what is a Social Act and what is a Non Social Act.
Social interactions are the acts, actions, or practices of two or more people mutually oriented towards each other. Basically it means any behaviour that involves another person’s emotions, feelings or views and opinions.
This means that the parties to the social interaction have in mind, each other’s views, feelings, opinions and beliefs. For example, as previously stated, stopping your car to allow someone to cross the road or giving way to other drivers is classed as a Social Interaction as you are taking into account that the person you are giving way to would be happy you gave way to them and made their life a little easier and their journey a little quicker.
This doesn’t always mean being physically in the same space as someone. For example, flushing the cistern in a public toilet or not leaving it a messy condition. Another example, is putting a library book back on the shelf where you found it instead of leaving it on the table after you have finished with it for the librarian or another person to put back. This act means that, although you do not directly feel or see the impact of your act, someone else will after you have gone.
- Friends writing letters
- enemy generals preparing opposing war plans
- Replacing library books when you have finished with them
- Tidying up your rubbish after a picnic
- Throwing your rubbish in the bin in a public place
- Social Networking
- Putting your tray and rubbish away in McDonalds instead of leaving it on the table
Social interaction is not always defined as an act where you need to be physically close to someone else. It just needs to include the appreciation of someone else’s thoughts and views and can be done at a distance.
Social interaction requires a mutual orientation, for example, if you and person B are thinking of the same objective and have the same aim in life. Let’s take the tray in McDonalds idea. You want to clear your table so that someone else doesn’t have to. Person B does not want to use a table which is covered in someone else’s rubbish and leftovers. The mutual benefit here is that you BOTH want a clean table.
- The spying of one on another is not social interaction if the other is unaware.
- The behaviours of rapist and victim do not constitute social interaction if the victim is treated as a physical object.
- Behaviour between guard and prisoner
- Torturer and tortured
- Machine gunner and enemy soldier
Wherever people treat each other as object, things, or animals, or consider each other as reflex machines or only cause-effect phenomena, there is not social interaction. There has to be the consideration for the other persons feelings, emotions, beliefs and views for it to be a social interaction. Such interaction may comprise a system; it may be organized, controlled, or regimented.
Common Themes Of Interactions
Below are some of the common themes of the way in which we interact and a brief set of sub points which are useful points to bear in mind whenever you interact with someone. These themes are reasons for interaction or ways in which interaction can occur throughout daily life and the conversations we have with people.
Many believe conversations are easy. Yeah sure they are second nature to us, but what happens if we slow time down and actively watch and listen to what our mind is saying before the messages are sent to our mouths.
- Communication
- Communication Themes
- Mutual Benefit
- What We get vs. what THEY get.
- Common Beliefs/Aims/Goals
- Religion
- Political View
- Sexual Orientation
- Habits
- Shared experiences
- Interests/hobbies
- Geography/ location/Surroundings
- Where we live
- Where we work
- School/college/university
- Common Needs
- Race/Gender
- Information
- Types of People/Stereotypes
Common Themes Of Interactions - Communication
We are all communicators. On whatever level we are, communication is in everything we do. It is the very essence of our existence. It is how we exchange information in any number of ways such as body language, tone of voice & facial expressions. Much can be learned about us when we use any number of these ways we communicate.
In this current day and age, we are always looking for quicker ways to communicate. Whether it be super-fast fibre optic cables to make phone calls, emails, social media or faxing much quicker or using the latest technology to make sure we can always keep up to date with where everyone we know is and what they are doing.
There are some very important themes which occur during our interaction with others. They are themes which you should always be aware of in order to interact more successfully and make as good an impact on others as is possible given the scenario you are in. These themes are basically pointers for you to remember during conversations.
Emotion
What thoughts, feelings, and desires do the people you interact with get? How strong is the feeling, derived from your interaction methods? What mood do you put them in & what relationship do you now have with them you didn’t have before? Ideally you want to put emotion into your interaction conversation. Don’t be afraid to show you are passionate about certain subjects. But do not be over the top about it. This can be a major put off if you start crying in a bar about the starving children in Africa. Yes it might draw attention to various causes which support this point, but it will also leave you looking like a bit of a sad case when people begin to walk off and leave you in a sobbing heap on the floor!
Affect
How does how you interact with someone, have an effect on or make a difference to them and their lives? Will you leave them with a lasting impression? If so, is it a positive one or a negative one? Be very careful to plan the right kind of affect you will have on someone you interact with. You don’t want to leave them with the impression you are a racist Neo-Nazi or sexist chauvinist who requires a restraining order from every member of the opposite sex within a 150 mile radius.
Understanding
What you are trying to convey & what message or messages does the receiver get? Are you showing them the kind of person you are, or are they able to see through the theatrical act you are putting on so that no one believes a word you say? Are you confident in what you are saying and how you are putting it across? No one minds people who can make a strong point. Just don’t make it so strong you lose their attention or no one dares to talk to you anymore in case you fly into a rage and scream the place down, turning over tables and throwing glasses.
Cognition
The mental action or process of acquiring knowledge and understanding through thought, experience, and the senses. Is your subject acquiring any knowledge from your interaction? If so, is it the RIGHT knowledge? The last thing you want is that, if you are a player trying to convince an attractive woman you are serious about her, you come across as a player. You want them to see you as someone they want to get to know rather than just dismiss and put with the pile of other players who have approached them tonight!
Perception
The way in which your interaction is regarded, understood, or interpreted. Did you get the RIGHT message across or the wrong message about what you were trying to say? Were you trying to compliment them and, instead sound like you were trying to sleep with them so they now perceive you as a threat or something you are not?
Humour
How much of this depends entirely on you and how much you deem appropriate. Just the right amount of humour, to the right people, timed in the right way, can be a fantastic addition to any interaction. Too much however, and you are on course to either offend, or make yourself out to be a joker that no one takes seriously and people laugh AT rather than WITH. This, in turn, leads to people thinking you are a desperate attention seeker who will put up with people laughing at them just to get a little bit of attention.
These themes are vitally important and must be structured into your interactions with others, wisely. How we use these themes will dictate what kind of an interaction you have, especially with new people. Adding a little piece of everything into the mix, shows you are a confident, structured and stable individual who has experience and knows what & how they feel about the issues which are important to them. It shows a well-rounded, well-educated and grounded person who can see multiple ways to approach life and is able to hold a conversation with anyone on any level.
If any of the above themes are added into your interaction in too large a quantity you will find yourself on a one way downward spiral to disaster, especially if you come up against someone else who DOES know how to use all these themes to their advantage. If I was advising you under different circumstances (see my last book, Empire Of The Mind), I would say, you may as well wear a flashing neon sign around your neck saying ‘To all my competition, I give up, it’s all yours’!!! And watch as every potential mate in the immediate vicinity walks as far away from you as possible while all the Alpha males in the room point and laugh.
Common Themes Of Interactions - Mutual Benefit
A successful interaction, especially one which involves conversation, has to have an underlying composite which binds the entire experience together. Conversations, like computer programs, are built on systems. We require a set of rules which govern the structure of how the conversation should go. Within that, are a set of parameters for what makes up this structure and how it stands up during a conversation? Probably the most important binding principle is Mutual Benefit.
For example, if you were to approach a random stranger in the street and strike up a conversation with them, for a few moments they would probably humour you, stand and listen to where you are going with this random act. Before too much longer, their attention would start to waver and they would be asking themselves ‘what’s the point to all of this?’ or ‘where is this guy going with this? What does he want from me?’
My favourite example of this is people with clip boards doing surveys or selling products or asking you to donate to something or join a group of some sort. I really love sitting in town during my downtime and watching how these people interact with members of the public, especially on busy Saturday afternoons in the centre of the city. No one WANTS to stop and chat to these people to hear what they have to say because of one vitally important missing component to their interaction approach, which every single person who does not stop, is asking:
‘What could they possibly have which will benefit me?’
And the answer to that question is very simple. They have NOTHING to offer because they only WANT something from YOU. They don’t have anything to give you in return for your time for the following reasons:
- They want you to buy something, which means you part with money
- They want you to subscribe to something, which means you part with money
- They want you to donate something, which means you part with money
- They want you to sign something, of which there is nothing in return so you’ve wasted 10 minutes thus parting with your time.
If you do ANY of the above, you are probably giving 2 of the most important things you don’t have a lot of at the moment: Time & money. Let’s face it, you didn’t go into town on 1 of only 2 days off you have a week to seek out someone with a clip board so they can persuade you to spend money you don’t have and time you don’t have on something you will not see a return on. If they were to say to you ‘donate £10 now and come back and see me in 2 weeks and you will have earned £50’ will they say this?! No. If they did that, we’d all fall in love with clipboard people and we’d all be rich. And of course they are going to be there, hovering around town on the busiest day of the week to ensnare as many poor unsuspecting victims as possible who will undoubtedly go home and immediately wonder why they fell for it with nothing to show for it. These people adopt a Win paradigm. Regardless of the needs of others, they are focused solely on what THEY get.
In order for us to partake in their scheme, we need something in return, something which will benefit us as well as them. This is why no one likes clipboard people.
This principle is exactly the same during interactions with people. If you can show that your interaction is going to be mutually beneficial to both you and the person you are talking to, you are more likely to capture and retain their attention and begin to build a rapport with them. You need to establish a Win/Win situation for your subject. What, during your conversation, will benefit BOTH of you?
Scenario
Let’s take the example of a stranger in a bar to make this easier to understand and ensure you do NOT become a clipboard person!
So you are in a bar and you spot someone who looks really interesting and you’d like to get to know them better. Maybe you are attracted to them physically, maybe you just want some meaningful conversation without it going any further or perhaps you aren’t sure where you want this to go, only that, at this stage, you want to talk to them for a while.
So you approach and introduce yourself. Now, here’s the tricky part, you have exactly 7 seconds to state your case before they decide to walk away or turn and listen to you. What are you offering them which will benefit both of you? There are several things you can offer them;
- Conversation in which you both learn something new about the other
- Finding a common interest you both share and agreeing to partake in it together
- You are both single and decide to go on a date which you both will enjoy
The problem with all 3 of the above options is how you present them before your subject loses interest. You need an approach which is non-confrontational, open and honest. Be prepared to be knocked back and accept that, unlike the clipboard people accept, some people just don’t want to be approached. Once you have decided what will benefit you both, you can approach in a confident, well-mannered and honest way.
The above 3 options are not the only options open to you during your interaction. They are merely an example of the kinds of criteria you need to think about before you approach someone ‘cold turkey’. Some people are more open than others to the cold approach and will respond well to this. Others may take offence but all in all, it is about HOW you approach them which will buy you valuable seconds on top of your 7 seconds to make a good impression. The more time you have to showcase yourself, the more success you will have during the interaction.
Typically, humans enjoy and benefit from interaction with other humans. Obviously there are times when it is best not to approach someone and interact with them, but deep within us, is a primal, deep routed need to converse with other members of our species and we actively seek out such conversations.
Common Themes Of Interactions - Common Beliefs, Aims & Goals
Humans seek out others who share their same views and opinions in order to feel accepted and belong to something. People who feel isolated from a certain group or from society in general, tend to become destructive and can lead to psychotic behaviour. To avoid this, we strive to be accepted by others of the same belief or opinion system as our own.
Religion
Inclusion makes us feel comfortable and reinforces our beliefs which help keep us stable. However, it can also have a detrimental effect on us if those ideals and beliefs are misplaced. A classic example of this is cult Behaviour. Those people, who believe society has rejected them, may seek solace in a cult or sect which gives them purpose and provides meaning to their lives, especially if it fits with their ideals and beliefs.
Religious cults adopt a kind of ‘members only’ approach to who they accept and who they do not. Typically cults and sects will accept anyone who adopts the same belief system that they promote but that does not mean that their belief is acceptable or honest. Some are deceptive and degrading, harmful and deceitful. Others are destructive and dishonest. But it is the desperate need of the person joining such an organization which leads them on this path. In his article ‘Religion, Social Interactions, and Cooperative Attitudes: Evidence from Indonesia’, Arya Gaduh of the University of Southern California investigated the associations of different religions in Indonesia where Islam is the majority religion. He wrote that Guiso et al said;
‘’those persistent and shared beliefs and values that help a group overcome the free rider problem in the pursuit of socially valuable activities"
This investigation highlighted the fact that people, who share a certain set of beliefs, banded together and were not welcoming of people outside of their belief system. It showed a lack of tolerance toward those who did not share their belief or set of ideals.
So why do people who share a certain belief set, join together or are attracted to each other? Well the simple fact is that it may be what they are used to, perhaps they feel safe and secure in knowing they are not the only ones who believe a certain way of life or religion is the right way to live. They live by the assumption that, the more people who believe what they believe, the more it must be true and so grow stronger in their belief.
Arya Gaduh’s investigation also revealed that:
‘’Muslims, religiosity is negatively associated with tolerance. The evidence, therefore, supports the notion that religion may be linked to ‘’parochial altruism" (Bernhard et al., 2006; Choi and Bowles, 2007), which is altruism towards members of one's own group combined with hostility towards members of the out-groups.’’
Political View
So we have established that people’s strongest interactions are with people from the same religious belief and that it is hard for them to interact, on some occasions, with those outside of this belief system. But is this the same for Political views?
Since the Scottish vote for independence, people of all ages have been talking more about politics now than possibly ever before. This, although a very positive step, can lead us to lean too strongly in favour of our political parties and those who share our own political views. I have known of many single people who, upon hearing their prospective new partner voted a different way to the way in which they voted, decided against dating them going forwards, noting ‘There is no way we’re going to get on when they vote UKIP and I’m Labour’!
With the increase in social media, 24 hour news channels and voting being thrust in our face by desperate politicians day and night, especially in the lead up to elections, it is hard to escape from the constant stream of each party begging and pleading with us to vote for them. So it’s no surprise to see that, on social media, many people who seek friends and relationships with people who vote the same way as they do, can easily find them and increase their social circle, based solely on their political views. Again, this encourages people to band together and only interact with those who share their views.
In Chapter 9 of his book ‘The Link between Social Interaction and Political Choice‘, Valdis Krebs investigated the links and influences political choice has on our social interactions. He wrote:
‘Recent research in social networks has shown that human networks tend to follow the small-world model. The way people connect results in clusters according to common interests, views, goals, or affiliations — small worlds of people with similar sentiments.’
Sexual Orientation
Aside from political views, certain groups of people interact differently with those of different sexual orientation. An example of this is me.
As I got older and left school, more and more of my male friends were coming out as Gay. This did not bother me in the slightest as it did not change the way our friendship worked in the slightest. Also I acquired many new male friends who were gay, both male and female. I found myself talking to them as if they were a female friend, even my body language changed towards them, but not in a negative way. I am straight but it became second nature to me to hug my gay male friends as if they were female, and also I found myself referring to them as ‘darling’ or ‘hunny’ the same way I did my female friends. My Behaviour did not change towards gay female friends, although some of them did start off as being potential mates before I totally embarrassed myself in front of them by trying it on, totally oblivious to the fact they were gay and I seemed to be the only one who didn’t know! However this was more comical than discriminatory and provided years of endless stories about how stupid I looked, how funny it was and how I must have been blind not to notice that they’d never had a boyfriend or talked about guys they were seeing or sleeping with.
Regarding the way in which I behaved towards gay male friends, it just seemed natural to be close to them in the same way I was my female friends. I think it is because I accepted they were gay and I was totally secure in my own sexuality that I didn’t feel the need to shy away from it or be concerned by it. At the end of the day in my mind, they would still be my friend no matter what their sexual orientation the same way as I would be their friend no matter what MY sexual orientation was. However not everyone sees things this way.
There is obviously the opposite end of the scale. You will find many ‘Gay sectors’ in major cities around the world which are filled with bars, clubs and social activities as well as lifestyles aimed at purely gay people. London’s Soho has a massive gay scene which attracts both gay and lesbian people who can come together away from discrimination and intolerance and be together, be it living, partying, working, dating etc. But WHY does this happen? It is a matter which has been significantly researched and debated and the simple answer is the same as in the previous sections; Acceptance, comfort and security. People find it easier to interact with someone of the same sexual orientation because they have something in common with them, a mutual understanding and something which they may consider, straight people simply don’t have.
Habits
It’s not just sexual orientation or politics which dictates many people’s Interactional selection. Certain habits also cause something of a congregation.
A typical one, and one which we have already touched upon in some detail, is smoking. Before the ban in the UK and most of Europe, people still kept themselves to themselves in public as there was not a need to segregate themselves from those who did not smoke. Everyone was integrated together. With the advent of the smoking ban however, the powers that be have actually created a brand new sub-culture. Smokers are seen as extremely sociable now as they gather together in large numbers to all partake in the same activity. Non-smokers or those who do not like being around cigarette smoke, rarely join in, leaving the smokers to socialize amongst themselves. Many friends of mine have struck up new, lasting and solid friendships and relationships with new people as a result of smoking. I even know of a few professionals who, if it hadn’t been for having a cigarette, would not have done things like clinched an important deal, met and talked with someone who later became a client or a source of income for them. It was when they were smoking, that they had important discussions which led them to continue their discussions at another time & place, thus putting them in the right place at the right time. It is a simple fact that, in a smoking area, people will automatically band together and be unafraid to approach each other and interact in order to strike up conversation, conversations which would be very hard to strike up outside of this environment.
Drugs are another factor in this. We know of ‘Drug Dens’ where people who wish to use drugs, congregate to take part in the same activity away from prying eyes. Although the use and sale of drugs is illegal, and I am not sure how much interaction is going on there, it still puts people together in mutual surroundings and mutual activities. Also this has a knock on effect when it comes to attending rehab. Many former drug users and alcoholics have met whilst feeding their addiction and have attending rehabilitation units together by way of mutual support and total understanding about the difficulties of living that lifestyle and recovering from it.
Shared experiences & Support Groups
Predominantly, victims of crimes such as sexual crimes, domestic violence and other victims, survivors of traumatic events, grief etc., also join together to share mutual understanding, support and comfort knowing they are not the only people feeling the way they feel. There are many support groups out there who encourage recovering victims to socialize with each other as a support mechanism. This can be in person by attending meetings, or online via OSG’s (Online Support Groups). Some people find that the only way they can cope or move on, or have any kind of normal or social life, is to surround themselves only by people who have gone through the same experience or a similar one.
An online article, ‘Social Interaction In Online Support Groups: Preference For Online Social Interaction Over Offline Social Interaction’ by Jae Eun Chung, found that;
‘Results suggest that some people develop a preference for social interaction in OSGs over offline interaction and use computer-mediated relationships as a possible alternative to offline support networks. Healthcare professionals and users as well as designers of OSGs must acknowledge the limits of online support and caution against the possibility of developing excessive reliance on online support resources.’
So really these types of groups, although worthy and worthwhile causes and support tools which are beneficial and, sometimes lifesaving, are a double edged sword. Too much can be damaging. People who have gone through the same shared experience, particularly traumatic events will tend to only want to be around those who have the same or similar experiences because they trust them, and they understand one another and feel that ONLY they understand how the other feels. There is a sense of appreciation for certain types of behaviour that could stem from these events such as OCD, Agoraphobia, Panic Attacks, flashbacks, grief etc. They can become almost institutionalized by how they feel after the events and feel like no one can understand unless they have been through it also.
Interests/hobbies
People who share mutual interests and hobbies also seem to interact differently with each other than with people outside of their chosen group. However there can be some crossover between Shared Interest Groups and other groups of people with. For example, those who have a shared interest in protests or rallies, may crossover and associate & interact with those people who share political interests, shared experiences and support groups, sexual orientation or other groups because they share their goals and views. This activity makes the groups a lot larger and allows for difference of opinion to be exchanged with less risk of conflict than for those outside of any of these social groups. A group who enjoys protests and rallies for example, may join a group which promotes tolerance to same sex marriage or transgender acceptance, they may raise awareness of the risk of HIV amongst the gay communities and raise money for charities which support this so although they do not share the experience, they share the same goals within the group and thus are more easily accepted.
Common Themes Of Interactions - Geography, Location & Surroundings
Places in which we are based can create a whole new set of Interactional parameters. Take the Blitz during World War II. Despite every attempt by the Luftwaffe to bomb the British into submission, the one thing the entire country did when it was the most difficult thing to do, was to stick together. Not only did they stick together, they did it much better, much stronger and with much more resilience than they had ever done before. The more bombs that dropped, the more it pushed the British public together.
Where we live
One area at the forefront of this development was London. Constantly under bombardment from enemy bombers night and day, day after day after day and what did the British do? They gathered together in massive numbers in air raid shelters, and sung songs which poked fun at Hitler and the Nazi’s. The one thing Hitler could never do, nor could any other country, was to drive a wedge between the British people. It’s just not possible.
What the Second World War and subsequent events WERE responsible for, was encouraging strangers to interact more with each other. There was common theme, particularly in the East End or areas which were bombed more than others. Take the Air Raid shelters for example, this bought people together from all over the city or local area, all slagging off the Germans and singing songs, sharing rations and trying to muddle through and survive. The main area of interest here was the fact that they all lived in the same area and were under the same threat. It could be argued that this example crosses the boundaries and fits into both Where We Live AND Shared Experiences but what I want to do here is focus on the Where We Live aspect of it.
In the area in which I live, there is a high population of young families and single parents, as well as a shortage of schools for certain ages. This means that people, who had children under the age of 5, didn’t or more than likely didn’t, interact with other people from the other side of the area, until their children reached 5 years old and were put together in one of only a few schools. Suddenly you find yourself making friends with people you never even knew existed. I myself, have discovered friends in people I wouldn’t normally talk to beforehand and if I passed them on the street, it would be highly unlikely I would chose them as friends, however as we walk the same way to school, and our children are in the same classes, and we all gather outside in the mornings to drop our children off and repeat the action again at 3.00pm, it stands to reason conversation would naturally spring up. As well as this there are the constant and steady stream of birthday party invites, the children’s first Christmas Pantomime, school activities and parents’ evenings etc. This is because of the area in which we all live. Obviously there’s a fairly high amount of playground politics and I personally, try to avoid it as much as possible but this brings people together and makes them interact with each other more. You would be (and some already are) extremely unpopular if you flatly refused to speak to anyone on a school run, and declined every single party invite you received thus alienating your child from all his or her school friends!
The area in which we live also encourages us to interact more when there is an event which requires the whole community to discuss something. For example, over a year ago, all the council run buildings in the area (by this I mean high rise flats) underwent a total refurbishment. This meant that the council and building contractors called a meeting in the local community centre to address any concerns residents had about the impending works. I went along to conduct research and to see what they were actually planning. The room was laid out in quarters with each of the utility companies holding a quarter with a stand, some artists impressions of before and after, and a young junior with a clipboard (love clipboard people remember!) who was there to answer any questions. The meeting started with a talk by the council on why the works were taking place, how wonderful it would be when it was all done, and what everyone would have to put up with during the works period. I am not lying when I tell you that, for a neighbourhood which did not talk to each other much, from that day forth, people began to talk to each other almost on a daily basis about the works. This gave rise to new friendships being born, new tensions between neighbours’, and even some very suggestive relationships happening, all as a result of where everyone lived. It opened doors to people, especially the elderly, to see that the young people who lived in the area, were actually pretty decent upstanding folk and not the yobs and thugs I think they were frightened they would be. Even I was surprised at the kind of people I discovered had lived there for 30 + years that I had never even noticed before.
The Christmas that followed the works being carried out, suddenly bought a whole new heap of Christmas cards, party invitations and Facebook Friends requests, the like of which I had never seen before. All this, was purely due to the area in which I lived. Simple.
Where we work
Work places are a natural source of interactions. And this creates a whole new set of rules people need to play by in order to have a relatively stress free time of it at work. Let’s face it; we all have enough stress in our lives to deal with without adding our workplace into that mix!
The Carnage & Choreography Theory
So what interactions do we see at work, and how can we use them to our advantage? Well we make new friends, create new networks and build new relationships with these people. An example of this was my previous work place. I used to work with a Frenchman, and for 6 years of my 7 with the firm, we never got on. I mean we literally couldn’t stand the sight of each other, even going so far as to go toe to toe with each other on a staff night out. Our boss knew too well NOT to put us on any projects together as we would probably have killed each other. However, when things got heated in our workplace and some people began to feel the heat of management more than others, my colleague and I suddenly had the same experience. Before long we would lunch together every single lunch time, we would meet up outside of work, text each other and compare stories of disciplinary hearings we were both subjected to before we both left. We went from bitter enemies to close friends because of where we worked and our shared experience. At the time, I knew why I didn’t like the sight of this guy, NOW, I don’t know what possessed me and I feel really guilty for ever disliking him. I literally do not know WHY I didn’t like him or even how I managed to have any negative feelings towards him at all!
If your employment is one where you have professional clients (like my previous employment), you will know it is THE most important aspect of your client relationship, how you interact. I have known an employee/client relationship which went from using Mr. to each other, to calling each other ‘Mate’ whenever they were on the phone together. I had an experience like this once where myself and my client had an awesome relationship, leading to some amazing regular feedback and outstanding results for my firm AND my client. On a particular occasion, my ‘gung ho’ attitude had cost the client £3,000 in legal fees without me consulting them first, to recover £6,000 in debt from a client of theirs who had absconded to Australia. As a result, my manager and the head of department had to have a conference call with my counterpart at the client, and his manager, the CEO of the client firm. During this conversation, I had to hold my hands up and admit I was wrong and didn’t’t consult with them regarding the legal fees before I proceeded with legal action. It didn’t’t matter that I had recovered 100% of the clients’ money back; it was the fact they had to pay 50% of it back in fees.
Of course my firm elected to pay some of that as a ‘sorry’ for the screw up. The client accepted that and totally tore me apart during the conference call and threatened to take their business elsewhere. Naturally my job was to persuade them to stay which, lucky for me, they did. At home later that evening I got a call on my mobile. It was my client counterpart who asked me to forget the tearing apart he had given me earlier and it was done purely as a front because his boss was sat next to him on the call expecting results. Of course I accepted this because of a vitally important fact. Prior to the stressful conference call, he had called me on my mobile outside of work and told me exactly what he was going to say and how he was going to say it and to ignore it as he was making it up to please his boss and didn’t mean a single word of it, we just had to work together to make it look like we both got into trouble. This is the nature of how good your interactions can be with clients and how they can save your professional career if you are doing it correctly. Since leaving my job, myself and my ex client still keep in regular contact and we still laugh about it now. He even told me his boss wanted to offer me a job which I declined due to the distance and relocation aspects of taking the job.
The trick is in HOW you interact with people professionally. You don’t have to like someone to have a successful interaction with them. I have seen people in the workplace who I thought ‘they are the best of lifelong friends’ only to hear later when one left the firm, that they hated the sight of each other and it had even got physical during staff events outside of work. But you would never have known this as they worked fantastically together professionally.
All this was down to how they interacted with each other at work. There were able to separate their personal hatred for each other, from their professional admiration for the other ones skills and working practices. This meant they were after something at work which was mutually beneficial to them BOTH. They worked together to benefit themselves, thus benefiting each other too.
School/college/university
Have you ever seen students debating in class or watched as 2 conflicting personalities go head to head over the smallest of points? It happens to us all and there are usually ways to avoid it. Unfortunately though, there are some people who just seek out conflict as a way to get through a period of their lives they do not have a choice over. Obviously when they reach 16 in most countries, they can chose to get a full time job so do not have to go to college. However, a small minority chose further education as a way to skip out of having to go out and get a job in the real world. Interactions of this nature are usually ones which tend to have the most profound effect on people later on in life. So how can we interact better or more efficiently at School, College or University? Well at College and University it is not so much of a problem as the people who are there CHOSE to be there to study to get results. But School on the other hand, none of us have a choice in that so we are all stuck in the same educational crucible trying to survive.
I went to a school where, to the majority of disruptive pupils, there was no reasoning and no discussion. If they were going to hit you, there was nothing you could do to stop them except hit first and hope you knock them unconscious. This, however, had its pitfalls as you had to watch out for them next time, and they’d be MAD. Those interactions where these pupils were so poorly educated with such low IQ’s that they didn’t understand when someone tried to reason with them because they had not been taught how to hold a conversation with someone, only to grunt or hit you, are ones I still cringe at now. Every so often I see some of these people (we are all now in our 30’s) and some are still the same. Others though actually have learned how to converse properly and have stopped to apologize for the way they treated me in school!
There has to be discussion, and discussion is a two way process. It’s helpful to say to another pupil ‘I don’t like your attitude and your aggressive nature, why do you feel the need to hit me every time you see me?’ If you are going to get an answer about why this pupil feels this way about you. However, if you just get a tirade of verbal expletives and then punched anyway, it’s hardly two-way. So communication is the key factor here. Can you use language THEY will understand rather than just you? Sometimes this will involve walking the fine line between patronizing and being clear and concise. Perhaps this pupil has an undiagnosed or unrecognized case of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) so requires slow and direct conversation. Maybe they feel insecure about being honest with you about why they dislike you or perhaps they just do not want to discuss it in front of other peers or teachers for fear of looking weak and inadequate. You have to tailor your interaction conversation to the individualities of the person you are talking to. What kind of interaction are you having? There are a few main types to look at here:
The Debate:
Two people intentionally taking opposites sides for the purposes of stimulating discussion and thought.
The Argument:
Two people taking opposite sides for the purpose of winning, and causing the other person, or an audience, to support their position.
The Two-Way Dialogue:
Two people talking to understand each other, and to create shared meaning, often so that solutions to problems will be acceptable to both parties.
These main types of interactions are not exclusive. There are also others which can be seen to be ‘types’ but some will cross over to create new sub types.
Common Themes Of Interactions - Common Needs
Common Needs are something which a collective of people require together, something which they all need. These types of interactions are usually on a ‘need only’ basis. This is otherwise known as Grounding, a theory which was a theory conceived by Herbert H. Clark and Susan E. Brennan. An example of this is people queuing at an ATM. They all have one common need, to withdraw or pay in cash. After they have fulfilled this common need, the interaction theoretically ends. It is rare, although not impossible for people to pursue interactions after a common need has been fulfilled.
Team building is a good example of Common Need. A busy office decides its staff are not communicating well enough or interacting well with each other so decides to take the whole department out for the day on a team building exercise. Say, for example, that this is an assault course day or somewhere where there are teams required and everyone has to work together. The managers of the department will think this is an excellent opportunity to make people who do not normally associate with each other or who have conflicting views and opinions in the office, more compatible and work together more efficiently. Whilst this is, on paper, a very good theoretical idea, experience has showed that it is not always the case. Of course these employees may work very well together on the day, and put aside any differences they have for each other in order to make the day go as smoothly as possible, however when they return to the office, after the common need has been fulfilled, they may revert back to the way they were before the team building day. I have seen this occur in multiple office environments I have worked in during my life. I have also seen these types of days out, work to management’s advantage and employees end up working together at the office a lot better than they did prior to this.
A shared Common Need is not the same as a shared vision or goal in terms of mutual benefit. With Common Need, this is something which the subjects may not necessarily WANT but they do NEED. This also applies to those who provide a ‘Common Knowledge’ approach to interactions. If person A discovers something quickly about person B’s knowledge base, they can utilize this knowledge to make for a more efficient and beneficial dialogue. With grounding, there is a mutual assumption amongst all people involved in the conversation, that everyone has a clear enough understanding of the concept of the conversation to move forward. Common Need or Common Ground is used to close the gap during interactions between differences in perspective which may lead to confrontation or arguments.
Another good example of this is if a couple shares a meal in a restaurant, they have shared the same experience. When it is time to buy new furniture for their home, one may describe the kind of look of the furniture; similar to the furniture or décor of the restaurant they shared the meal at in the past. This would lead to a mutual understanding of what one half of the couple envisions so that the partner can also understand that vision, even if they do not agree with it. But this is easy with couples who are in a relationship or who have been friends for years or who have any kind of prior knowledge of each other. For example, I have a friend who drinks in my local bar. He is significantly older than the majority of other people who go in there and likes to share his experience and knowledge with the younger generation regularly. Me personally, I love learning from his experiences, however not everyone shares this enthusiasm for knowledge and many show obvious signs of getting bored, especially when he attempts to strike up conversations with people who do not know him, and it can come across as a bit weird when in actual fact, his main aim is to come across as friendly, polite, experienced and a really nice guy, which of course he is. Anyway, he gets very passionate about things he believes in, such as political points of view or sharing an experience where someone in his past has upset him. Now because I know him personally, I try to deviate from this type of conversation as he becomes almost aggressive and requires calming down, which has a detrimental effect on the rest of his evening and anyone else’s he comes into contact with. For someone to come into this experience without prior knowledge of this man, they potentially would become very agitated and concerned and potentially react negatively to this. I was lucky because I discovered this trait about him very early on in my very first conversation with him, so I found the best way to keep him calm was to sympathize and empathize with his experiences, sharing my own similar ones with him. This enabled him to react differently and enabled me to change the subject to prevent him from becoming more and more aggressive. This is why many others ask me why he doesn’t ‘do my head in’ whenever I talk to him. I simply explain that I find common ground with him during conversations and it keeps it friendly, light and still allows us both to blow off steam about events during our working days and weeks which cause us stress and upset.
Common Ground can also be used to your advantage during conversations with strangers. If you are discussing people who your subject may not know, it pays to use first names to begin with which makes your subject feel familiar with them and you and is a good way to draw them closer to you. William S. Horton and Richard J. Gerrig of State University of New York found this theory to be successful in structuring conversational common ground with individuals in their book ‘Conversational Common Ground and Memory Processes in Language Production’. As interactions with friends, the use of first names only is unambiguous and implies both parties are familiar with the people whose first names are being used. The common ground here is the friends being discussed.
Another example is name dropping when trying to impress a prospective client or date. Admit it; we’ve all name dropped at times to make us sound more impressive. I have been lucky enough to be friendly with a few minor celebrities in my life. During my single days and dating days, I used to draw upon this as a Common Ground conversation starter AND to impress my date by using the celebrity’s first name, then explaining casually the full name of the celebrity. This showed my date that it was a normal occurrence for me to use first names with these famous people because I was close to them and they were just normal friends of mine without being star struck.
Common Themes Of Interactions - Race & Gender
In the new modern culture, it is common place for people to wear their identities on their sleeves. That is they are advertising the kinds of people they are to anyone who wishes to notice them. What is interesting to note is that this sort of behaviour significantly influences both the way in which people express their gender, and the way in which the genders interact socially.
What is most apparent about these differences is the way in which males and females communicate during these interactions. Many experts believe this is generated from the way in which we communicate as children. For example, girls who play the role of Mum in role play are said to be home makers, whilst boys play more competitive games and tend to grow up being competitive. This however used to be the norm but experts believe this is not so much the case these days.
Take for example, our favourite scenario: Meeting people in bars, clubs and other social environments. Women tend to take on more of a defensive role towards meeting new male acquaintances as they have been conditioned to believe the men are only striking up a conversation for it to end in a sexual encounter. Whilst unfortunately for many, this is true, it is not as commonplace as you might think. Rarely do women approach men in these locations to strike up conversation, they wait to be approached. The communication is done at a more subconscious level. For example, imagine the scene in the bar. A few female friends are drinking and talking when the conversation turns
‘That guy keeps smiling at me from over there. He must be attracted to me and want to sleep with me’
This is the common assumption. However, what they may not have thought of is this:
‘that guy keeps smiling at me, he must think I look like an interesting person and is trying to get my attention in order to strike up a meaningful conversation and not just want to have sex with me’
How Men & Women Communicate
The sexes differ in the way in which they communicate. Women tend to adopt a more meaningful, deep routed conversation and only reveal intimate details about themselves to those they trust and tend to seek mutual support from female friends. They are more about building relationships which are built to last. Men do not tend to reveal these details and will keep them hidden for fear of appearing weak and not ‘Alpha Male’ enough to be attractive. Men tend to form bonds dependent on mutual interests, such as sport or movies.
HOW each of the sexes communicate is vastly important too. There is a certain script or accepted process dependent on the relationship each sex has with the other during communication, especially in an environment such as a bar or club. Men expect their friends & other males to constantly be competition, however close they are too them, and, as stated before, tend to view providing too much intimate details, as weak and leaving them vulnerable. Men also avoid conversation & communication which is too personal and reveals emotional concerns.
The physical aspect of communication between the sexes is also a strong factor. Women will tend to communicate intimate details or emotional issues over a glass of wine at home, or a nice meal in a restaurant. Men will go for a beer in a bar and watch sports and be quite cagey when discussing their issues.
Communication and Gender Cultures
A communication culture is a group of people with an existing set of norms regarding how they communicate with each other. For example, a group of friends who share an idea about what they should and should not say, what subjects are to be discussed and how they deal with communication from ‘outsiders’. These can be masculine or feminine, depending on the situation.
Through communication with each other we can learn about what qualities and activities our culture requires to communicate with whichever sex we are trying to communicate with. Throughout these forms of communication, it is our gender which dictates the form of communication we use. There is a certain way men should communicate with men and women with women. There are also ways men should communicate with women and women with men in order to fulfil successfully, these ideals and lead to better ways to talk to each other. However, it doesn’t always have to happen this way.
Whole cultures can be broken down into masculine and feminine, each differing in how they get along with others through different styles of communication. These styles are listed below.
Men tend to talk more than women in public situations, but women tend to talk more than men at home.
Women are more inclined to face each other and make eye contact when talking, while men are more likely to look away from each other.
Men tend to jump from topic to topic, but women tend to talk at length about one topic.
When listening, women make more noises such as "mm-hmm" and "uh-huh", while men are more likely to listen silently, giving rise to the woman accusing the man of not listening to her when she talks.
Women are inclined to express agreement and support, while men are more inclined to debate and enter into lengthy discussions about how right they are and press their point of view more strongly.
Common Themes Of Interactions - Information
Information is something which is essential in performing successful interactions with people. In order to further the conversation, we first need to get and provide information to fuel the conversation. For example, we provide information about ourselves in the opening line of any ‘Cold Approach’ conversation when we first meet someone. Typically when you see a stranger in a bar and you want to introduce yourself, what’s the first thing you do? Introduce yourself!
‘Hi. My names Phil, can I talk to you for a second?’
Conversations are built upon systems. There stages who a conversation, especially when you approach complete strangers, even just to ask for directions.
Stage 1: The Introduction
In the opening line, you providing information to the person you are talking to by giving them your name. This then invites them to respond with their name (hopefully) and thus the conversation moves forward with you telling them why you want to talk to them or providing either a chat up line, or an icebreaker line to again push the conversation onto stage 2.
Stage 2: The Response
After you have introduced yourself, you are inviting the person you are talking to, to respond with a comment, phrase or answer to your opening introduction. If you have made a significant first impression, this could be something simple like a smile, a change in the person’s body language, but any kind of reaction can be classed as a response.
Stage 3: Exchange of Information
So you have both provided something to start the conversation. You have introduced yourself and provided your name, they have responded (positively we hope) with their name and turned to face you and smiled (if they were not facing you already). So this
Impressum
Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG
Texte: Mr Phil Bridge (Mr Philip William Stansbridge)
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.07.2015
ISBN: 978-3-7396-0601-9
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