CHAPTER ONE: THINKING

If you asked me about the last time I was happy, I’d lie to you. You see, often people lie about how they are feeling, in order to keep it a secret. Someone could be falling apart, but you’d never know. Someone could be planning their own death, but you’d never know because just moments ago they lied to you, and said that they are well, when really, the person is anything but ‘well’. It’s amazing, how feeble-minded we all are. Everyone is bearing a mask. Several of them actually, and concealed by one giant mask. No one really knows who you are, and if they get underneath one of your masks, or in other words, get to know who you are, there are still many masks they have yet to uncover. Or at least that’s how I see it. It doesn’t really make sense to anyone else except me. I’ve come to realize that I truly am alone. And sometimes being alone can distort your mind, and make you think ‘oddly’. But, if one’s thoughts have been distorted, it would only seem odd to others.
If one’s mind gets twisted around too much, it can cause that person to change who they are. Not only would their mind be distorted, but their personality as well. Making the person.. Mental? Hm, maybe.
But the question is, how does someone become mental? Well, there are a number of ways, too many to list. But most have to do with trauma. Say for instance, being kidnapped, or raped, or watching all the people you love die.
Yes, trauma can make a person insane. Maybe I’m insane. Or maybe I’m just thinking too much. I tend to do that.. But not often, in fact I don’t think at all too much anymore. This is the most I’ve thought about in a little over a year. I spend most of my time messing things up and getting trashed, so even if I wanted to think, all I’d be able to think about is how I watched them all die, which would only make me do more bad things.
I’ve forgotten how nice it feels to think clearly. Or maybe I’m not thinking clearly. In fact, I’m almost certain none of this actually makes sense. That’s right, I’m only making myself think this much to distract myself. Right now I’m craving the things that make people do stupid things. I can’t sleep, and it would be no good to get trashed this late at night, and especially with my mother awake. Or would it? Who knows. There’s nothing really to do here. This place is just a dull, dark reincarnation of the place I used to call my home, back when I lived with my dad. The place I used to live was brighter.. Seemed happier. This place is the same except.. Darker. Less cheerful. All the trees here are either dead or almost dead. There’s grass, but it’s all fake grass that’s used to try and make the place look nicer. It’s crowded. There are no movie theaters. One shopping plaza. And most of the parks here, are just fields with a swing or two. Yeah, I’m not too fond of this place. Naturally the only thing to do for fun, it to go out and get messed up. Maybe I should sneak out through the window and go find some people to get trashed with.
No. I can’t. I can’t risk mother finding out, she’d beat me for sure. When she’s not passed out from drinking, she’s like hell, minus the fire. I’m lucky that she’s been too trashed herself, to remember that report cards came a long time ago. My grades have gone to shit, and I couldn’t have her see them, so I burned my report card.. Along with a whole park.
It wasn’t a big park. It was a rather small one. It had one swing set, two benches, and sand. That’s it. And I wasn’t alone. I had four others with me. So, we set the place ablaze and hid in a nearby tree. We sat and watched as people spilled out onto the streets watching the flames. We watched several firefighters attempt to control the fast spreading fire. It took them about an hour and a half to calm the flames down until there was nothing left. And we sat in that tree, laughing at how easy it is to get away with things. There was no evidence that the fire was purposely set. All of what had been there was burnt to ash.
Afterwards we snuck into someone’s house. A person in our tiny group lived there, I think his name was Daniel. Hm, maybe not. Now I think about it, I don’t remember the names of anyone I was with that night.
Anyway, we snuck into his house, and stole his dad’s alcohol. We took three bottles of 190 proof Everclear. It’s illegal to sell here. Which makes things that more exciting. Breaking rules is quite fun, if you know how to avoid getting caught. And with having a mother like mine, always drunk and passed out, it’s not that difficult to get away with. It’s all her fault I’m this way anyway. If she hadn’t made me come live with her after dad was murdered, I wouldn’t have gotten mixed up with these kinds of people. But oh well, it works out since I don’t like being around her.
I don’t think I drank that much. But it was enough to fog my memory. Which was fine with me, considering that death is pretty much the only thing in my memory now.
I’ve tried drugs here and there. Every time I tried drugs, it was because one of the people I was hanging out with handed them to me. I never even thought to ask what was what. I just took it and hoped it would numb the pain I feel. And it did, temporarily.
I’m not that big on drugs. Like, if I had to go the rest of my life without them, I could. But it’s too bad that I’m choosing not to.
So, in short I just basically take what anyone gives me. I don’t ask what it is, they don’t inform me, and I just take it. It probably makes me look like an idiot, but when you’re in my position, you don’t really care what it is, as long as it gives you a rise. I’m probably not too far off from addiction, but I do know that I’m not ‘hooked’ on anything yet. I guess the only question is, will I let myself get hooked? And, if not, how close will I let myself get to it?

I have to admit, so much thinking is starting to give me a headache. But if I stop thinking, the memories will sink in again. I suppose I could sleep. My face is hot with exhaustion. When was the last time I slept? I do sleep, don’t I?
Wait, that’s a dumb question. Of course I sleep. I pass out sooner or later, and stay that way for at least a few hours. That’s sleep, right?
But if I voluntarily try to sleep, and it works, the memories will just seep into my dreams. No matter where I turn, the memories are surrounding me, and the only way to avoid them is going out and getting trashed. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this thinking thing up. I’m running out of stuff to think about.
I could always think about- No. That’s a memory. It holds death just like the other memories. I don’t want to cry about them anymore. So, I need to think of something to think about quick.
Hah, that’s funny.. Think of something to think about.
Hm, well, there’s that one time Sadie and I spray painted the garage doors and fences of the neighborhood three streets away from here. We nearly got caught. I mean, here we are, Sadie and I, having fun, when some old man comes outside, and sees us. Who goes outside at 3AM anyway? It’s especially weird considering he’s an old man. Don’t old people usually just sleep all of the time?
He started yelling at us from afar, saying he was going to call the cops. We ignored him. It was when he set his dog loose that we started to panic. He has a Rottweiler. And a pretty vicious one at that. We tried running, but obviously dogs are faster than humans. I guess we just acted out of instinct and panic, because the things you don’t want to do around a dog, is show fear, and run when the dog is obviously very fast.
Well, it’s safe to say we got away. But we wouldn’t have if it wouldn’t have been for the fact that Sadie can be a very violent guy. He doesn’t carry around a knife or gun, but a baseball bat. And I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to injure the dog. Or did he kill it? I don’t remember. I was too busy running. Sadie is probably the only person I’ve bothered to get close to around here. Everyone else I just use to get trashed. And sure, Sadie and I both get trashed. With different people, but I can’t deny that he’s the first friend I’ve had in a long time. And when he and I hang out, we don’t have to get trashed. We can just sit and talk. He’s the only person who knows about what happened to me, about the memories. But either way, I prefer to get trashed even around him, and he understands, because he too has his own memories that need to be numbed.
That night he yelled at me to run. To just keep running and not to look back. To run and find a place to hide just in case the dog decided to go after me. And I listened. I hid in a bush, and waited until I heard him calling my name. He wasn’t being loud, but it was loud enough for me to hear. And we left. But to leave we had to pass that same spot. Stupid me ran the wrong way. I guess stupid people do stupid things when they panic.
We managed to sneak around the old man, hunched over his dog in the middle of the street. I think he was crying. I don’t know. But the night helped keep us out of sight.
About a week ago, I was out for a walk. Going to meet Sadie and get blazed. I passed through that neighborhood, and all spray paint had been eliminated. It was as if we’d never been there that night.
But, I smiled, because I passed the old man’s house, and saw the very same Rottweiler chained to a small post in the yard. It had a cast around it’s front leg, but it made me happy that it wasn’t dead.
Dead. Death is scary. Especially when it’s happening all around you. It starts to make you wonder what it is that’s keeping you alive. Why should you be alive and everyone else dead. What makes you so special?
Anyway. Sadie. Yeah, he’s the only person I’ve got that actually sticks around. It’s kind of nice, despite getting so trashed you barely even speak, you just go out and screw things up.
Sadie. Why’s that name so familiar?
Is it from around the time when I watched everyone die?
I better not think about it. It’s just another memory.

CHAPTER TWO: NO BREAKFAST FOR ME

I’ve passed out. But not even that can stop the memories from entering my head. And what’s worse, here they can become a mental picture and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m in the car with my dad, and I’m the one who’s driving. I have my permit and it’s me, my dad, my boyfriend, and two of my closest friends all going out to see a movie. Though, it’s just my dad and I in the car. My boyfriend, and friends are In the car in front of us. My boyfriend is driving. Alexis and Lana are in the backseat. We all would’ve gone in the same car if it hadn’t been for the fact that this IS my dad’s car, and it only holds two people.
We’re driving and we’re approaching a traffic light, the light is green. We’re driving through it, and then it happens. Out of nowhere comes a giant green truck, and crashes into the car in front of us. The car holding three of the most important people in my life.
The car goes flying, being pushed along by the impact of the truck, and it slammed into two more vehicles. The car catches fire, and I struggle to get my seatbelt off. My arms are trembling. And once I’m finally out, I find myself running in the middle of the street to the burning car. My dad is yelling at me to get back, but I’m not listening. I quickly grab onto the handle to the door of the backseat, trying to open it before the flames spread. It won’t open, it’s too smashed in. I look in the window, no one is moving, which means either they’re all dead, or just unconscious. I run over to the other side, nearly tripping over myself. The driver’s door also too smashed in to open, but the back door on this side, opens without giving too much of a fight. I see Alexis, she’s unconscious. I grab her by the shoulders and manage to drag her out of the car and onto the road. She’s got several cuts from broken glass on her neck and arms. But not much more.
By the time I look up, flames have almost completely engulfed the car. If Lana and my boyfriend weren’t dead before, they are now. I’m up and running towards the car now, my voice loud, shaky, and frantic as I’m shouting out my boyfriend’s, and Lana’s names. There are people getting out of their cars and rushing over, I can hear sirens in the distance getting closer and closer. Someone, an adult, grabs me from behind shouting at me to stay away from the car or I’ll get caught in the fire. I’m kicking and crying, and shouting. The person is strong, and won’t be letting me go. I’m still shouting out names, but focusing more on my boyfriend. It all feels like slow motion, being held back by this person, watching the flames destroy the car and the people inside of it, my screams. I can only watch as my boyfriend and one of my best friends are killed. I can’t do anything to save them. Am I really so useless?
Police, an Ambulance, and Fire Rescue have arrived, and the flames are put out. Now all I see besides the remainings of the car, are the two corpses that were once inside that vehicle. And I can’t help but let out a long, ear shattering scream. I feel as though it’s not real, like it never really happened, like this is just a normal nightmare. But it’s not, because it did happen. And there are just some emotions that can’t be explained. So, I hide them under my masks. I go out, get trashed, and act like nothing’s wrong, like I’m just doing it all because I’m bored. But it’s not like that at all. And no one knows.
That’s wrong. One guy knows.
The same thing kept repeating in my head, the sound of my voice, screaming my boyfriends name. Over and over and over again. Everything is black.
Why is it so hard to remember his name? I can feel myself screaming his name, but it’s not making any sound.
Oh, that’s right, he shares the same name as a friend I’ve made here.
Maybe that’s why, when I moved here I was drawn to him from the beginning, and was dying to know him, because he and my boyfriend shared the same name.
My boyfriend’s name was Sadie.

When Sadie and I met just after I moved here, he only knew me by how I looked. We met in school, and he’d forgotten my name. He sat next to me. He and I started talking, about several things. Stuff like, what we do in spare time, what interests we have, our parents.. Though, I was only really able to explain what my father was like and what happened to him, and how I really didn’t know what my mother was like. He understood. He had no parents. His dad killed his mom two summers ago, and was taken to prison. So, he ended up going to a neighbor and living there.
In my dream, he was sitting in his desk and I was sitting in mine. He was taking note of my appearance. Short black hair, dark green eyes, not very tall, small frame, almost anorexic looking.
That was a little over a year ago. Since then, I’ve lost weight, which doesn’t help with the fact that people assume I’m anorexic. My hair has grown longer, and has gone from a pixie cut, to my shoulders. And I’m a little taller.
Since then, we walked together after school, hung out at night, talked on the phone. Every happy memory I can recall that doesn’t bring pain, has him in it. And then there was one day, he asked if I had a boyfriend. I told him about what happened, how he was burnt alive and I couldn’t do a single thing to stop it. He found it funny how he and my boyfriend had the same names though, which, I guess when you think about it, it kind of funny.
I was wearing a green shirt, and black jeans, we were walking after school, and he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I started to blush, but I was looking at him with a frown. I went on to explain how in a way, I still have a boyfriend, he’s just not here with me anymore. And he didn’t make a big deal of it, so I guess he understood. And in all honesty, I don’t think I thought of him in that way. Or maybe I did. I don’t remember. But after that we both agreed to be friends. Rather good friends at that.

My eyes are open now. What’s this..? Am I crying?
“Natalie, are you awake yet?” I heard my mother shouting.
“Oh, uh.. Yes mother!” I shouted back, wiping away my tears and finding my balance as I stood.
“I made breakfast! Eggs and toast!” She sounded quite joyful. That’s not like her. This is the first time she’s sounded like this, and has made breakfast out of the whole time I’ve been here. What’s with her?
Holy fuck, when did my room become so messy? Or, has it been like this the whole time? I really should clean it. Wait, what’s that on my desk? It’s a picture. As I stumble up to it I can feel my eyes grow wide, and I can feel tears coming on. It’s a picture of Alexis and I. Both of us look like hell. I guess it was because crying so much over Sadie’s and Lana’s death made us a bit oblivious to our health. This was taken just before-
“Natalie? Come on, it’s going to get cold!” I heard my mother shout.
“Coming!” I replied, quickly shuffling out of my room.
That picture was taken just before Alexis killed herself. Exactly three weeks before it.
It wasn’t just my room that was a mess. The whole house was. But, my guess is that mother had gotten up early, and attempted to clean. On the table sat two plates. Both had eggs and toast. In one chair sat my mother. That’s what it was, she’d been waiting for me. She wants to talk to me, because she’s suspicious about what I’ve been up to. Well… Fuck.
I sat down slowly, staring at my plate, avoiding her eyes.
“Good morning, Natalie.” She smiled, acting as if nothing was wrong. But I can tell she’s not completely sober.
“’Morning.” I mumbled. Poking my eggs with a fork.
“You’ve been doing it again..” She said, her voice now flat.
“I’ve been doing what again?” I still was not looking at her.
“You were screaming in your sleep.. It’s been happening more often lately, just like when you first came to live with me and.. I want to help you. I know this place is a mess, but I’ll try to clean it, and maybe then we can spend some time together, you know, act like a family,” She paused, “And maybe I can get you into some therapy. I‘ve just been so tired lately, and I don‘t know why, but I‘ll try and make this better.” She added.
“I don’t need therapy,” I lied. “And I don’t need you pretending like I know nothing. You know exactly why you’re always ‘so tired’, and so do I. You’re not really tired. You’re just too busy drinking your life away, that you’re always passed out.” I’m still staring at my plate. I’m feeling surprisingly calm, but I can feel her eyes burning into me. But I can’t help but feel a tad bit bad about this. She wasn’t suspicious of me, she was worried.
“I.. Why, I don’t know what you’re talking about Nat, I’m not a drinker.” She was horrible at acting.
“Oh? Is that why every time I see you ‘asleep’ you’ve always got the bottle in your hand, and several others around you?” I mumbled, getting up from the table. “It’s no use, you’re not fooling anyone. You’re always drunk, and you know it. You’re acting like everything is fine, well you know what? It’s not fine, and you’re just now all of a sudden ‘so willing’ to try and make things right? It’s too late for that now. Where were you when I needed you, mother? You sure as hell weren’t here.” My voice started to break. “Look, I’ve got to run. Sadie and I are going to hang out.” I started for the door.
“You haven’t even eaten yet,” She pouted like a sad dog.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Well, where are you and Sadie going to hang out?”
“Anywhere but near here.”
And that was it. I stepped over empty alcohol bottles, soda cans, and food wrappers. I opened the door, and that’s when the tears started to roll. I heard my mother in the kitchen, she was crying.
Great, now she’s gone and made me cry too. I went to wipe my tears away when I realized, I really smell horrible. When’s the last time I took a shower? And the clothes I was wearing must not have been washed for weeks. What I had on were a pair of worn out, flimsy pajama shorts that were practically riding up my ass (not to mention how dirty they are), and a giant, grey, solid t-shirt that had loads of stains and burn holes. I’m pretty sure my bra has been discolored from all the sweat it’s befriended. I’m scared to even wonder what my panties might look like. I don’t have any shoes on, my hair is a mess, my makeup is most likely smeared everywhere (Wait.. Do I even wear makeup?), And people will be wondering about my body. It’s all bruised and cut up. No, I don’t hurt myself, it’s just from being careless about everything that’s gotten me like this. Eh, oh well, I wonder if Sadie will let me shower at his house and borrow some clothes.
Either way, I could use someone about now. And I’m sure he’ll be happy to see me.

CHAPTER THREE: INSIDE WORLD/OUTSIDE WORLD

It’s cloudy out. Everything is pretty much grey. The yellow lines on the road, fire hydrants, houses. Even the trees and grass look almost grey.
I walked at a pace slightly slower than normal. At least the sun wasn’t out, or I’d have to add sweat to my new look. Not to mention, it would make the concrete too hot for me to walk on. And there’s no way I’m walking in the grass. Too many snakes, ants, and sand spurs I might run into.
I can tell by the way people are dressed around me, that I will be the one to stand out the most. Even though my shirt is grey, the shorts I have on, despite how dirty they are, are pink. Everyone I see out here is dressed nicely. In colors of black and white. Of course, I’m only seeing adults. Teenagers, I know, wouldn’t dress like these adults. At least, not the ones here.
I feel like I have no emotion. My eyes must look dead. No, I myself, must look dead. Everyone I pass seems to stare at me. And all I can do, is walk down this isle of shame. I’m passing through a park, the nicest one in town, and there are some children there. They stare at me. There was one little girl with blonde hair, long enough to reach her knees, sitting by herself. I stopped to watch. Every time she’d try to play with the others, they would reject her, sometimes pushing her. Obviously, she was the “weird one” out of the group. Or at least that‘s how the other kids saw it. Though I didn‘t really see anything wrong with her. She looked over and caught me watching her. She ran up to me, smiling, and held out her hand.
“Will you play with me?” She said, in a cute little voice. You know, that voice that little kids have, where even if you want to deny them, you simply just can’t? Yeah, that voice.
“Well, I kind of have to go somewhere right now. I’m sorry” I replied. I could see the glow in her face fade, as she began to frown. I felt bad.
“Well, actually,” I began, “I guess I could play for a few minutes.” I smiled at her.
“Really?” She asked, smiling again.
“Yeah, come on.” I took hold of her hand, “Show me where your favorite place to play is.” I smiled.
She led me quite a ways away form the other children. As we were passing, some were leaving with their parents. And when their parents saw me, they made a funny face at me. Like, the kind of face that you’d give to someone you don’t like, or thought was disgusting. Not only did they make strange faces at me, but they’d mumble to their child something along the lines of “I want you to stay away from that girl over there.” Yadayadayada.
I wasn’t used to that. Back when I lived with my dad, parents of children loved me. I babysat a lot. This, however, is something I’m not used to.. All of a sudden parents hate me, or, are scared I’ll get their children hurt by influencing them. Well, if that’s the way they’re going to be, fine. They can make ugly faces at me all they want.
The little girl led me through a wide field, full of long grass and dandelions, we were approaching a wooded area. Where was she bringing me?
The trees in this area are large, and look like they’d be good for climbing. When I was little, I used to love to climb trees. But there are no kids here in sight. I haven’t climbed a tree since I was.. Seven. I think. Why weren’t there kids here?
If fact, I don’t see anyone. No adults, homeless people, teenagers, children. It makes me wonder. Well, I can rule out adults and homeless people. There are plenty of places for them to be. More places for them to hide. Same goes for teenagers, I should be the one to know that. But, this is a park, so, why aren’t any children here? Surely they must get tired of playing on the same old playgrounds, right? Plus, out here you can really have fun if you have an imagination. And really, what kid doesn’t have imagination?
“Uh, where are we going?” I asked the little girl.
“You’ll see, we’re almost there.” She said with such enthusiasm.
The ground was different shades of brown, and consisted of dirt, mud, twigs, branches, dead leaves, and a few bugs here and there. The trees were not only large in width, but were very tall, and the branches spread out near the top, blocking out the grey sky. This felt like.. A whole different world. It’s like, there’s the people on the outside of this area, or in other words, the outside world. And then there’s us, this little girl and I, in this area, or you could call it the inside world.
Outside world, and inside world. The outside concealing the people who do horrible things. The people who hurt others, break the law, and are selfish. It also has victims, but the victims of the outside world have no clue how to escape from it.
The inside conceals the misunderstood, the strange, the left out. No one has made it in this world, they always end up going back to the outside world. As of right now, this little girl and I are the only population here. We’re the only victims of the outside world that have made it here. Or is that wrong? Maybe I belong in the outside world. After all, I’m not completely victim. I break the law.
We stepped over several fallen branches, walked through archways made by the trees whose branches had bent, and dodged spider webs, and vines extending from trees.
While in the outside world, it is almost nothing but grey, in here there is no grey. The tree tops block it out. In here it’s almost a.. Yellow? I don’t know. But I like it more than grey.
Finally I can see something in the distance. I’m not quite sure what it is. But as we got closer, I could see it was a playground. An old, discolored playground. It had monkey bars that were low to the ground, a wobbly bridge, a ladder made of rope that leads to a high up platform that’s enclosed by a small… Fence like structure? Anywho, on the outside of the “fence”, was a large shelf like thing. What it was for, I don’t know. Above the wobbly bridge, was another bridge, that was also quite wobbly. But the one higher up, was longer, and attached the top closed-in platform, to a flat platform that had no walls. All that was connected to that platform was a slide. The slide seemed to go straight down for about 21 feet, before finally curving out, making whoever is sliding down, go flying off.
“This is it.” She smiled at me, pulling me behind her as she approached the playground. She climbed up the rope ladder to the top platform, and crossed the bridge about halfway. I decided to stay near the ground. I walked across the bridge that was below the one she was on. I was directly under her. I hadn’t planned on really doing anything else except walk along the playground, but she insisted that I must play tag with her.
She peaked over the edge and down at me, smiling.
“I bet you can’t catch me!” She yelled.
“Oh really? What makes you think I can’t?” I asked, looking up at her.
“You’re old!” She yelled, “And old people are never as fast as kids like me!” She laughed.
“Is that so?” I asked, hopping off the bridge and walking towards the rope ladder. “I guess we’ll just have to see how old I really am!” I started climbing the rope ladder at an intense speed. Or at least, that’s what it felt like. I didn’t know I had this much energy in me.
I got to the top platform, and prepared to run across the bridge, a bit hesitant that it might not be able to hold my weight. But I decided to just do it.
The little girl ran for the slide, with me close behind her. The bridge was wobbly under my feet, but seemed as though it could hold me up alright. Have I lost weight?
As I got closer she descended down the slide. Screaming on the way down, before flying off and barely landing on her feet. I positioned myself to slide down, and realized just how much it replicated the trunk of a tree. It literally went straight down. I gave myself a push, and found myself sliding down. I had that weird feeling in my stomach, you know, the kind you get on a rollercoaster when you’re going down a drop? Yeah, that.
I landed on my knees in the dirt, staining my legs. She ran for the monkey bars, she wasn’t able to touch the ground, but I could.
Upon gripping the first bar, she shouted.
“The ground is turning into lava! Hurry up and get off of the ground!”
I played along with her scenario, as I made it to the monkey bars. She was on the Seventh bar, and I was on the first, pulling my legs up so that they didn’t touch the ground. It was easy to get across the monkey bars like that. It was just easier for the little girl, because she was actually the right size for this.
As she got to the last bar she shouted,
“Okay, the ground is back to normal!” Grinning, she jumped down and took off into the trees.
I sighed, as I let my feet find the ground again, and I started to run after her. I could barely see her, as she used the thickness of this area to her advantage, but she was still running. She is small enough to avoid getting scratched and cut by the branches. I, unfortunately, am not as lucky. But, despite this, I kept running. Not for the fact that we were playing tag, but for the fact that she may get hurt.
I doubt she’s aware of where she’s running to. She could get hurt, or run into someone who could hurt her. There are some cliffs here. Only one or two, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re still here. What if she falls off of one? I don’t want to be responsible for a little girls injuries, or even death. And if I catch up to her, I can keep her safe from that. I don’t want her to lose her life or get hurt over a game of tag. She’s young, and her life is so fragile and special. Maybe I’m worrying too much, but after what I’ve been through, I don’t want to see another person get hurt or killed.
Without noticing, my speed seemed to triple. But as a price of running so fast through these trees, I got worse cuts. And that’s when I realized, I lost sight of her. I stopped running, and looked around, panting viciously. Nothing but trees.
“Little girl?” I called out, out of breath. No response. I began to panic.
“Little girl?” I called out again. Still nothing.
I began to walk, looking in every direction, tripping a few times. I kept on like that for almost ten minutes, before I found a tree that I could easily climb. I put my right foot on the trunk, where it starts to separate, and lifted myself up. I crawled over to a branch that was close to the ground. In doing so, my legs got a little scratched. I sat myself upright, before leaning down, and putting my head in my hands. I rubbed my eyes, and brushed my hair out of my face, and sighed. I didn’t cry, but I felt bad. I sat on the branch for about 10 minutes while I caught my breath, and decided to look around some more.
Upon finding my balance after discovering the ground, I heard something come up behind me.
“I told you! You couldn’t catch me!” The little girl shouted, running up to me, coming out of nowhere.
I sighed, relieved that nothing happened to her.
“I guess you’re right.” My voice shaky.
“You’re old!” She laughed.
“I’m not that old. I’m only 16.” I looked at her, climbing back into the tree, this time climbing higher.
“That’s old! I’m Six!” She said, following me up.
“Haha, I guess I am old. What’s your name?” I asked, finding a comfortable spot.
“My name’s May.” She exclaimed, cheerfully.
“That’s a pretty name.” I began, “My name is Natalie.”
“Natalie? That’s an ugly name!” She wore a disgusted face.
“It is?” I asked.
“Yes! You’re too pretty to have that ugly name!” She yelled.
“Well, what do you think my name should be?” I looked at her, waiting for a response.
“Eva.” She cheered, “I like Eva.”

CHAPTER FOUR: BOATS AND BIRDS

“Well May, I guess my new name is Eva.” I smiled at her. She looked content.
I hopped down from the tree, May followed.
“Say, where’s your mother, May? Does she know where you are?” I asked.
“Daddy’s at work. And mommy’s at home. Daddy is mad at mommy though, so he’s not home a lot. Mommy drops me off here a few times a week and goes back home. I’m out here from 6AM to sometimes 9PM.” She stated.
“She just drops you off and leaves you here?”
“Yeah. She says it’s because she has special company over, and it would be bad if I was there at the same time. Mommy doesn’t like anyone to be home when special company is over.”
“Why’s your dad angry with her?”
“One day a few weeks ago he got off of work early and went home. Mommy didn’t know he was supposed to get off work early, and she had special company over. And daddy didn’t like it. Mommy says she and daddy are going to stay away from each other for a while.” She shrugged.
So that’s it, huh? Her mother drops her off here, despite what danger she could put May in, and goes back home to cheat on her husband.
“So you see, I don’t mind being out here all day. I’ve met mommy’s special company a few times, and I don’t like him.”
“Why not?” I stared at her.
“He makes me do things.”
“What kind of things?”
“I’m not supposed to talk about it.”
“Does it have anything to do with what he’s got under his clothes?” I was starting to understand.
“Yes. Why are you asking so many questions, Eva?” She asked in a little innocent voice.
“N-No reason,” I lied, how could someone do something like that to a little girl like May? “May, do you want to come with me somewhere? I promise if you do, you’ll never have to worry about him touching you ever again.”
“Okay, let’s go” She agreed, grabbing my hand. And I know it’s none of my business, but I’m going to protect her. I’m not going to let anyone endanger her life, or make her suffer.
I was the one leading the way this time. I was leading her to the outside world. I was leading her to hope. I was leading her to Sadie.
It was bright out now. The clouds had gone away. It hurt my eyes, and I could tell May didn’t like it either. She squinted her eyes, and used her free hand to block the sun.
“Eva, why are you dressed like that?” She asked. I was taken back by her sudden question. “You dress how my mommy dresses.” She finished.
“Well, before I ran into you, I had just woken up, and I was actually going to a friend’s house to clean up.”
“Oh, is that where we’re going?” She asked.
“Yes it is.” I smiled.
We walked for a bit, not saying anything. When an old lady came up to me.
“Is this child yours?” She asked, I could hear a bad attitude coming from her.
“No ma’am.” I replied, a bit startled.
“Well, I hope not. You’re a disgusting wreck. A disgrace to all women your age. You’re not a good role model for this child. You should be ashamed.” She stared at me, what was her problem?
“With all do respect ma’am, I would appreciate it if you did not judge me by how I look. In doing so, you also set a bad example for children.” I started walking away.
Not a good role model for this child? The fuck, man? Who said I was this girl’s role model. As if.
We walked on the sidewalk that leads to Sadie’s house. She grew tired of walking, so I let her hop on my back. May was singing a song that I’d never heard before.
“May? What are you singing?” I asked.
“A song” She replied.
“Well yeah, but what’s it about?”
“I don’t really know.” I started, “I heard a girl singing it in the park the other day. She looked just like you, but cleaner.” She made me laugh.
“Can you sing it to me?” I asked. If I remember correctly, the girl she saw singing it, was in fact, me. Her reply, was simply the sound of her voice attempting to sing. She knew the words, but a six year old doesn’t usually have the voice of a singer, if you know what I mean. There’s still that.. Kid sound, ya know?

“If you be my star, I’ll be your sky.
You can hide underneath me and come out at night.
When I turn jet black, and you show off your light.
I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine-”

She paused, not remembering the rest of the song, so I began to sing it instead.

“But you can skyrocket away from me,
And never come back if you find another galaxy,
Far from here, with more room to fly,
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by.”

“Yeah! That’s the song!” She yelled, then gave out a yawn.
“Are you getting tired?” I asked?
“A little” Her voice cracked, “But, keep singing. I want to hear Eva sing.” She begged. I couldn’t possibly deny her request, so I began to sing again.

“If you be my boat, I’ll be your sea.
A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity.
Ebbing, and flowing, and pushed by a breeze.
I live to make you free, I live to make you free.
But you can set sail to the West if you want to,
And past the horizon, ‘till I can’t even see you.
Far from here, where the beaches are wide.
Just leave me your wake to remember you by.

If you be my star, I’ll be your sky.
You can hide underneath me and come out at night.
When I turn jet black and you show off your-”

I stopped in front of Sadie’s house. It seems May has fallen asleep, I think. At least she can rest here, and maybe then I can talk to Sadie’s foster mom and see what she can do. Wait, is she his foster mom? That’s what a foster mom is, right? Sadie doesn’t have parents, so the neighbors legally took him in. That makes the woman his foster mom. I think.
I rang the doorbell, his foster mom opened the door. She loved me, no matter what I looked like, or how trashed I was.
“Oh my, Natalie, come in, come in!” She gestured inside, “Sadie, Natalie’s here!” She called out.
I love to hear her speak, she has such a beautiful voice. Hell, she has a beautiful everything. She’s quite young, in her late Twenties I think? She’s got naturally highlighted blonde hair, and deep blue eyes that were so… Dangerously gorgeous. She’s pretty slim, and tall. She’s unable to have children, no matter how many times she and her husband tried, they could never conceive. She’s a lot of fun, and she and her husband loved Sadie since he was little, letting him swim in their backyard pool, inviting him and his real mother over to dinner, that kind of stuff. So, when the chance to adopt him came along, I guess it’s no surprise she and her husband immediately agreed to it. Her husband is in the army, so he’s not home. It’s just Sadie and her.
“Oh my, who’s this?” She smiled looking at May, who was still asleep on my back.
“This is May. I met her today in the park, in fact I need to talk to you about her after I get cleaned up, if that’s okay? She’s kind of.. In trouble I guess you could say.”
“In trouble? Well, after you clean yourself up, come talk to me, Sadie can listen too, and I’ll see if there’s anything I can do to help. But in the meantime, let’s get her a pillow and blanket and she can sleep on the couch. After that, she’ll get some cleaning of her own.” She held out her arms, and I turned my back to her so she could take May. She’s so in love with children, she’s so joyful, surely that will be good for May. I went upstairs to the guest bedroom, where I sometimes sleep if I don’t go home, and got a pillow and blanket from the closet. This house is so elegant. It’s big, neat, and organized. All the walls are shades of white, cream, and light blue. If there was a beach in the backyard, this could definitely pass for one of those large beach houses. A trip back downstairs, then up again to say hello to Sadie, who obviously didn’t hear his mother calling him, and then a shower that is well needed.
I opened the door to his room. The walls are light blue, his room is clean, there are posters of bands he listens to, his bed is a mess, and there he is on the computer, with his headphones in listening to music. I walk up behind him, and poke his shoulder, which startles him before he realizes it’s just me. Then he smiles.
“Natalie, what are you doing here? You know, you could’ve at least called!” He joked.
“Well, I had an argument with my mother, so I didn’t feel like sticking around in that house to make a call.”
“Your mom was up?” He sounded surprised.
“Yeah, complete bullshit, right? She’s never up. I was coming over to just hang out, but after I left, I realized just how gross I feel, look, and smell.” I laughed.
“So, you’re just using me to get in my shower? Hm, well I dunno if I can let you do that without paying me.”
“Paying to shower? Fuck you, I’ll do what I want.” I pushed him, laughing.
“Fine then, go ahead and shower for free, see if I care.” He laughed, and turned back to his computer.
I walked out of his room and to a closet near the end of the hallway to get a towel, before walking back into his room and poked his shoulder once more.
“Whataya want now?” He joked.
“Uh… I kind of need to borrow some clothes.”
“Again? God, don’t you own any? There in that drawer, get what you like.”
I opened it, grabbed a pair of boxers, a pair of blue jeans, and a white long, sleeved shirt that had a brown, short sleeved over-shirt attached to it. And I was off to the bathroom.

CHAPTER FIVE: FALLING

This bathroom has a long counter with two sinks, a body mirror that covers an entire wall, and a large shower, just opposite of the mirror. I began to undress myself, until I was completely nude. I decided to make sure nothing was seriously wrong with my body, using the mirror, to examine my skin. I had a lot of bruises, I don’t know how I got them. I was definitely dirty, my skin was discolored from sweat and dirt. I had several cuts along my arms, legs, neck, and face. There were few on my sides, stomach and back. Some old, most new. My fingernails yellow, with dirt shoved underneath them. My face is oily. My toenails are getting long. I’m wearing heavy, dark silver eye shadow, black mascara, and black eyeliner, all of which, are smeared and runny. My boobs seem to have gotten a bit larger.. I can’t complain. I have a bruise that looks like a heart on my stomach. My hair is oily, and very messy, my eyebrows are surprisingly fine. My legs however, are hairy, but with all the cuts on my legs, I think it’d be best to wait until they’re healed to shave. But I better shave under my arms or people will start thinking I’m a man, haha.
As I turned to the side, I can tell that despite the growth of my boobs, I have lost a lot of weight in my stomach area, and in my thighs. My face also, looks a tad bit thinner. But oh well. I turned and walked over to the shower doors, opened them, and stepped in, closing them behind me. My reflection in the mirror now just a blurry blob behind the glass doors. I turned the water on, and waited for it to warm up.
The second I stepped under the water, it seemed as if every inch of skin was burning. My cuts, the fresh ones at least, burned intensely. I didn’t like it. And I cursed to myself silently. I let the water run over my body, getting my cuts used to the water. I turned to the shelf and grabbed a bar of soap, and tried to wash the dirt and sweat off my body, ignoring the pain from my cuts. The water went from clear and clean, out of the showerhead, to brown and dirty going down the drain, but at least I’m getting clean.
I rinsed off my body, noticing how much nicer and more clean my skin looked. It felt really nice to be clean. I lathered my hair with shampoo, and rinsed. Next was conditioner, and honestly, this is like heaven to me. If there was such a thing. As I rinsed the conditioner out, I noticed how nice my hair felt, I didn’t want to stop running my hands over my hair, underneath the water. I grabbed a disposable razor out of a bag of unused razors, and began to shave under my arms. I haven’t shaved in so long, it feels weird to do it now. And it burns. Fuck.
I stood under the water, with my eyes closed, letting the water hit my face. The burning of my cuts finally died down. Now, I just have to get my makeup off. I rubbed my eyelids and around my eyes with my hands, stopping now and then to just relax and let the warm water run down my face onto my neck, traveling past my chest and stomach and trailing down my legs. I took the time to enjoy this much needed shower.
I stood in the same place until the hot water decided to die. Then I shut it off and step out, drying my body with the towel, before wrapping my hair up.
The jeans are a bit loose on me, but not to the point where I need a belt. That’s when I remember that Sadie’s mom and I have close bra sizes. I take the towel down from my head and wrap it around the upper part of my body before walking downstairs to find Sadie and his mother talking.
“I need a bra.” I bluntly say.
“Go to my bedroom and check the second drawer on the right.” She said, before turning back to Sadie.
Her room is different. Instead of white, cream, or light blue, her room is a dark navy blue. Different from all the other rooms in the house, and certainly the largest bedroom.
I pick out a sparkly green bra. 34B. It fits me exactly. I went from 34A to 34B. Interesting. Instead of wrapping my hair back up in the towel, I just threw it in the laundry hamper, and walked back upstairs to put on the shirt I chose.
Upon walking back downstairs, I saw that May was still asleep on the couch, and Sadie and his mom were waiting for me at the table. His mom offered me coffee, which I happily took.
“Now that you’re all clean, you look so much nicer. You have an incredible natural beauty.” She sang as she poured some hot coffee into a mug.
“Thanks.” I mumbled, looking out the large window next to the table. They have a large pool in their backyard.
“So, what kind of mess is that little girl in?” Sadie asked, drawing my attention back to reality. His mother handed me the mug of coffee, and sat down.
“Oh, uh, well you see,” I started, glancing from Sadie to his mother as I spoke, “Her name is May, and her mother drops her off at one of the parks early in the morning, and leaves her there all day, sometimes until 9PM or later, which is very dangerous. Not only that, but her mother had an affair, and is divorcing her father because he found out. Now, the guy she’s cheating on him with does.. things to May.” I finished, and they stared at me.
“Well, we sure can’t let things go on like this.” Sadie’s mother spoke. I took a sip of coffee.
“We could just keep her here, and when-if they file a missing persons report, we’ll turn her in, and explain to authorities what has happened to her,” Sadie paused, and looked to his mother, who was eager to hear what he had to say, “and maybe, talk to them about keeping the little girl here. You could explain to them your problem with having children, have them come and inspect the house to show that you’re a responsible parent, and then they’re bound to let you adopt her.” He searched his mother’s face for a reply.
She kept silent, as she got up and started to walk to the exhausted, mistreated body that laid asleep on the couch. A smile on her face with every step she took.
“I thought it was a good idea.” I shrugged to Sadie, as I took another sip of coffee and stood to follow his mother.
She was kneeling on the floor next to May, stroking her blonde hair. Her smile was still on her face, but her eyes were filled with worry that she’d never get to save the poor girl. I spoke up.
“Go to the police. Her mother will lose custody of her because she is unable to care for her properly. The man will be arrested for sexual abuse/harassment.. Her father will get custody, and then at least she won’t be around that awful place. It’s better than her being stuck with her mother. And if you keep her here, you can get into serious trouble here.”
“I know.” She sighed and sat quiet for several minutes before saying, “Well, you’re all cleaned up now. Why don’t you and Sadie go find some things to do. I’ll wake her up and get her clean, and then I’ll go to the police.”
I looked at Sadie, eyebrows raised waiting for a reply.
“Fine with me.” Sadie shrugged, “Come on Natalie.”
I got up and we started for the door.

We walked in silence. Neither of us wanted to speak, nor knew what to speak of. We didn’t know where we were going either, we just kept walking.
We were in the wrong part of town. No trees, no grass, just buildings and crowded streets shaded in grey.
“Hey,” A broken, raw voice came from an alleyway we had just passed. “Hey, you kids. Can you come back here for a minute?” An obvious Italian accent.
We looked at each other, neither of us showing any sense of worry or hesitations, we walked back and peered into the alleyway seeing a skinny, tall man who wore tattered clothes. He had a short grey beard that contrasted with his tanned skin. He was obviously homeless.
“You kids, come here. I got a question to ask of you.” There was that Italian accent again, “Either of you kids happen to have any money? I’m real hungry and I got no money to get any food.” He opened his hand out to us. We shook our heads no.
“No money? That’s a real shame. Well, the least I can do with a couple o’ kids here in my alleyway is have some fun.” He stepped so that his body was in the way of the opening of the alley. He began to close in, making Sadie and I stumble over our own feet backwards toward the back of the alleyway.
“Well now, what a pretty young girl.” He said turning to me, his dark eyes making contact with mine. He began to step closer to me, and lost Sadie from his vision. I looked over his shoulder as he came closer to me, and saw Sadie leap over him from behind, grabbing around his neck. The man struggled and twisted trying to free himself. I ran. I ran to the opening of the alleyway and looked back behind me. I could hear yelling. Sadie was on the ground crying out in pain, and the man stood over him, smashing his foot on Sadie’s head. I had to think quickly. I looked around and saw a metal pole leaning against the wall. It was somewhat heavy, but I managed to get a firm grip on it. I began to run, though my speed was deteriorating quickly due to the weight of the pole. As I came up behind the man, I swung the pole as fiercely as I could manage, and it collided with his upper back, sending him falling past Sadie. I grabbed onto Sadie’s arm and helped him up, pushing him towards the opening of the alley and shouted “Run!”, to which he obeyed. I looked to my right, where a ladder that was built into the wall made it’s way to the top of a building. I ran for it. My hands and feet nearly slipping with every move upward I made. I glanced down at the ground from half way up, the man had begun climbing after me. I continued.
Once to the roof, I searched for a way to escape. But there was nothing up there. Nothing at all. I stood near the middle trying to think of something to do. My heartbeat racing with panic.
“Well what do we have here,” I heard a voice behind me, “You want to play rough, then so be it.” I turned around and stumbled backwards, falling onto the ground of the rooftop. The man had something in his hands. A knife. He leaned down over me, holding the knife to my face. He slowly cut my skin from my jaw line across my cheek, to my nose. I clenched my fists.
“Now,” He breathed, “The louder you scream, the more I make you suffer.” He grabbed my shirt from the bottom, and began to pull it up, exposing my stomach. I lay there silent.
I felt my pants unbutton, and one of his hands slipped in. I screamed louder than I have ever screamed in my life. He dug his knife into my stomach, which made me scream louder. I lifted my foot, and placed it on his chest, and kicked as hard as I could.
He fell backwards, and I scrambled to my feet. Buttoning my pants. I began to step backwards, pulling the knife out of my side. I let out yelps as I step backwards.
“Don’t come any closer or I’ll stab you!” I shout as the man gets to his feet and starts walking towards me.
“I said don’t come any closer!” I scream, now standing on the edge of the building. He still steps closer to me.
“Don’t-” I begin to scream. I lose my balance.
His shocked face is the last thing I see before I’m sent over the edge.
I’m falling.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.07.2011

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