Forsaken
Time passes slowly for me, here in this classroom. I look around and see the smiling and laughing faces of my classmates and I feel my insides warm a little, though I am excluded from them. They never turn to me to ask a question, or to tell a joke or even to just send their exultant smiles in my direction; to them, I don’t exist anymore. The bell rings and my classmates gather up their things, and leave; soon I am the only one in the room. I glance out the window of the second story classroom, watching the myriad of leaves ever so slowly to the moist grass below. It’s autumn and although the leaves change and the smell of pumpkin pie saturates the air, I can’t help but feel a shy sort of animosity towards the most intoxicating of seasons. Slowly I get up, smoothing my wrinkled plaid uniform skirt and straightening my black blazer all the while staring out the window, watching the congregation of students swarm out the front door of the school. I watch them, wishing that just for once I could join in their camaraderie instead of being on the outskirts of it all. I watch them for a bit longer, and then ignoring the way my heart screams out for me to join them, I pull the strap of my backpack over my shoulder. I could stare at the joyous scene below me forever, but no matter how much I wish to be down there nothing will change- not now, not until I leave this town.
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I’m running across a rainbow colored field, the sun on my back and the wind caressing my pale skin. I smile when my fiery hair blows across my face obscuring my vision. This is my happy place, a place where there is no darkness, where there is no hate; a place where I exist alone and don’t feel lonely. I slow down, out of breath and collapse onto a soft inviting patch of grass, a soft yellow flower tickling my ear. The sky is a wonderful shade of the lightest blue, with sparse cottony looking clouds here and there. Birds fly overhead, and their songs seem to resonate with happiness. I sit up and look around the empty field. It’s so peaceful, the only place where I’m at peace- the only place the silence doesn’t echo in my ears.
Then something changes in the air, and my hazel eyes widen in surprise as I see a figure in the distance. The figure is tall and lithe, and though it is too far, I can still make out the color of its hair- a strange mix between copper and gold. As I strain my eyes, the bird’s songs stop and the sky fades until it is stark white; the sun brightens till I cannot see anymore and then it’s all gone. My fantasy world disappeared, I along with it- back to the harsh reality of my life.

My eyes shoot open and the bright light stuns me for a second; it’s morning. My room is dead silent, not even my frog shaped radio clock making a sound. I turn to look at the time and sigh; it’s that time of day when it’s too early to be awake, yet too late to go back to sleep. Groaning softly, I untangle myself from the warmth of my yellow comforter and wade across the debris that has forever littered my bedroom floor. Careful not to trip over the various books and shoes that litter my floor like stumps in a wood, I make my way to my closet; I pull out my carefully ironed uniform, then I grab my undergarments and change, not caring that I’ll be early to school; it won’t have been the first time. ________________________________________
I walk down the hallway of my school and scowl slightly at the dusty floor; if it were up to me the floors would never be this dusty. It’s unsightly. I turn at the corner and make my way to the library, the closest thing I have to a favorite place in the world. My school’s library is grandiose, with bookshelf upon bookshelf and not a computer in sight; a plus that keeps people away. I drop my bag onto a nearby chair and begin to wander amidst the rows of slightly dusty tomes. The library is not anyone’s favorite place, the majority of my classmates despairing when my English teacher announces a book report. For them school is not a place to expand your horizons, it is a place to socialize; a place where they can gossip, a place where who you hang out with is of utter importance.
I catch sight of a brilliant red spine and reach for it on an impulse. I don’t abide by the saying ‘you can’t judge a book by its cover’, because to me the cover is the best part- the prelude to the wonderful text within; I scowl when my fingers barely brush the bottom of the spine. At less than five feet, it’s only natural that I can’t reach the top shelf of a six foot bookshelf, but I can’t bring myself to control my irritation. Just as I reach for it again, a slightly tanned hand shoots out and grasps the spine. I turn around and look at the owner of the hand, eyes widening slightly as I catch sight of him. He towers over me, large hand holding out the surprisingly wide book. I look farther up and examine his face which is also tanned and I suppress the urge to gasp when I see the color of his hair- that strange mix of copper with gold. His eyes are kind, a gentle, calming green; his lips medium sized and plump. When he looks at me with a questioning glance, I reign in my mischievous eyes; it’s not polite to stare at others.
“Here, this is the one you wanted… right?” He hands me the book and I grunt slightly under its heavy weight. How could he have held it with only one hand? I adjust it so that I’m holding it to my chest and nod to him.
“Thank you.” My voice is barely above a whisper and I’m not sure that he heard me, but when he smiles in return my heart skips a beat; it’s been so long since anyone acknowledged me, much less sent a smile in my direction. He must be a newcomer.
“Are you new here?” I scowl internally as my voice wavers; I can’t afford this conversation- it’s too risky if he’s seen with me. Then it comes to me; we’re in the library, no way will someone notice him talking to me. Even if it is only this one time, I want to have a conversation with this kind stranger; I want to have one pleasant memory of high school.
“Yeah, I just moved here from Sacramento.” An easy smile appears on his face, so brilliant that I could’ve melted, had I been inclined to do so. I beam back at him as the bell rings; hurriedly he checks his watch and with a wave he’s gone, along with my hope of ever talking to him again. Once he gets into a class, with his easy smile and kind disposition, he will become like all the others when it comes to me- not cold, just indifferent – so depressingly indifferent.
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I sit in my usual seat in the back of the room staring out the window again, knowing that the teacher will not rebuke me for it. The indifference everyone has towards me spreads even to the teachers. Just as I follow the path of a fiery leaf with my eyes, I hear him.
“Hello my name is Andrew Blanc; I just moved here from Sacramento.” His voice is easy with a slightly nervous edge; when I look up I notice that he’s staring directly at me. To my utter horror so is the rest of the class. He smiles when I nod slightly to him a risky move- I know, but I can’t help but welcome the small bit of attention. I know that it’ll end soon- once they explain the rules to him, he won’t ever glance in my direction ever again. I sigh inwardly as the teacher sends him to the empty desk in front of mine. Portia, who used to be my friend, leans over to whisper something in his ear. I watch as he stiffens and a shiver passes through my entire being, as the words she whispers sink in. My eyes widen when he turns around to stare me in the eye, something completely unprecedented; after newcomers hear what happened they promptly ignore me.
“W-what do you want?” Everyone’s gaze is on us, anticipating my imminent humiliation.
“I want to know if what that girl said is true.” Surprise jumps onto my classmates’ face; no one bothered asking me my side of the story. No one wanted to think that maybe, just maybe things didn’t happen the way that everyone said they had.
“I’ll tell you lat-“ Abruptly he stands up and grabs me by the arm, dragging me along with him as he exits the class; twenty two pairs of eyes follow us as the door slams shut.
He drags me down the hall, his grip surprisingly strong and his pace making me trip over my feet. Before I know it we are standing in the back row of the library which seems to be completely devoid of life; not even the librarian stays here when classes are going on. I look anxiously at the door- the class probably thinks he took me so that he could show me what he thought of me. It wouldn’t have been the first time; after all, I’ve had two broken arms and countless bruises to prove it.
“You shouldn’t be here. If they catch you… well you’ll get in trouble.” I look pointedly at the door for emphasis. It won’t matter if they catch me here- though they are cruel to me, with their indifference and their fists, they leave me be when I’m in the library, among the only other outcasts in the school.
“I don’t care; I want to hear your side of the story. No way am I going to just go along with what other people are saying; that’s how I was raised.” He looks at me and then sinks down so that he sits on the floor with his back resting on the shelf. I sigh, wondering how I got involved with such a persistent person; then again, it’s better than not being involved with anyone at all.
“And if I said I didn’t want to talk about it?”
My voice is almost a whisper as I fight off the ghost of my past, which is always there- surviving on the dark muse that lurks on the edge of my mind. I look down at him, and watch as his expression changes a bit. Now he is smiling, as though he is thrilled by the prospect of a challenge. I exhale and then settle in next to him. I don’t know why, but for some reason I feel compelled to tell him, even though I know that the moment he hears the truth he’ll be running for the hills with the rest of them. Maybe I just don’t want this person to suffer along with me.
“It wasn’t always like this; I used to have friends. In fact I was friends with one of the most popular girls in our school. Her name was Marina, and she was the star of our swim team; she had a lot of friends, but I was the only one she really trusted- this was last year. Then right after my parents died, I got really messed up. I was depressed and lonely, because unlike everyone else I am the last one in my family. At the time, Marina had a boyfriend; Travis Griffin. Everyone knew he was really sleazy, but Marina was in love with him and didn’t listen. Then… one day he came to me while M-marina was at a swim m-meet.” My eyes fill with water as I get closer and closer to the cursed memory that plagues me.
“He cornered me and… he kissed me… At first I thought he was playing around, but then he tried to take it further… and that’s when Portia walked into the empty classroom where he’d lured me. She saw what was going on, but misinterpreted it and when Marina came back everything was in shambles. After that I wasn’t the only one depressed- she acted as though it didn’t affect her and everyone except me believed it. About a month later she called me, asking me to come over to her house. Her voice was weak so I rushed over to her house. Her parents were never home so I let myself in… and I- I… f-found h-her…” The tears are overflowing now, running down the sides of my cheeks and I can’t say anything else. Because of me, Marina was gone. Had I never fallen for Travis’ ruse…Had my parents never died…
Suddenly I’m enveloped in warm arms and my intake of breath is audible. It’s been so long since I’ve had any contact with another person. My town is small and when that happened nobody believed that I didn’t have anything to do with her death; just the fact that I was there made me guilty in everyone’s eyes. Since then, almost a year ago, nobody save for this odd stranger has talked to me; I begin crying even harder. Time loses meaning and when my sobs die down, I am surprised to find that we were no longer alone.
I take a long look around my haven, now the place where my classmates stand with condemning looks on each and every one of their faces. Andrew continues embracing me, as though he’s completely oblivious to their presence. Then the whispers start up slowly escalating until Portia steps forward from the rabble, eyes narrowed in utter disgust.
“How dare you spread your filthy lies? We all know what really happened; stop trying to escape the truth! You betrayed your best friend by messing around with her boyfriend, then after she tried moving on with her life you had to go and mess it up again; it’s your fault she killed herself. Don’t try to portray yourself as the victim!” She turns to Andrew, and extends a hand to him. I should’ve known this would happen. He’ll take her hand and then everything will be back to the way it was… I’ll be all alone again… I look down at my hands but then I hear the sound of skin hitting skin. I look up, eyes large with surprise, to see Andrew standing in front of Portia, the palm of her hand an angry shade of red.
“Don’t tell me you believe her lies? You must be more of a fool than I pinned you for!” The whispers start up again, until the crowd of students seems more like a mob slavering for justice; who knows maybe they are?
“You all are the fools! You’ve blinded yourselves with preconceived notions and ignore the truth that is right beneath your noses!”
He steps back and offers me his hand, which I take somewhat hesitantly. Could this person that I only met today, actually be defending me?
“Did it not occur to you all that maybe just maybe there was more to the story than you all thought?” He keeps hold of my hand and I feel that it’s slightly calloused, but warm; it’s a nice feeling. My classmates gawk at him in utter disbelief. Nothing like this has ever happened before. When everybody heard that Marina was dead, and I was at the scene they never… they never listened to her. Portia glares at us, and then with a flip of her hair walks toward the double doors leading into the library, then she turned her head.
“You’ll regret your decision Andrew, you’ll see; you don’t know the enormity of what you’ve just done. Sooner or later you’ll come crawling back to us but by then it will be too late.” Her green eyes seemed to bore into mine, utter hatred in them.
“I’d rather be ostracized than ostracize someone because of ignorant accusations.” My gaze is still locked on Portia, who smiles sarcastically; she hasn’t even left yet and the mocking has begun.
“You too Almana, if you think it was bad before it will be even worse now.” She leaves and the rest of the class follows her lead, all giving us what have to be the most malicious glares I have ever seen. Finally we’re alone again and I look up at Andrew who has an easy going expression, as though he found something pleasant about his stand off with his peers.
“Almana… that’s a nice name.” He chuckles softly, as though he finds the entire situation entertaining; at this point I’m pretty sure that he’s insane. Why else would he have stood up for me like he did?
“Was that really okay?” His laughing dies down and he squats down so that we’re eye level.
“Is the sky blue?”

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.11.2010

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