chapter one

ok, Chess was AMAZINGLY fine.

not that he paid attention to me, that is.

why would he? I was a seventeen year- old that his mother and father decided to foster that had the often habit of cutting, who's favorite color was black, and had a bad temper and snappy attitude more often then not. HE was a blonde haired, green eyed, lively boy who was the basketball star 3 years running. tall, gorgeous, with an 6 pack he had no shame of showing around the house. he also had all the girls lined up at his feet- all but me, that is. I kept my distance. why would a jock like him want to hang out with a kid like me? who's parents left her in a subway when she was 6? who's never been to a foster home for more than 6 months- and that was only because the school was late in opening? I couldn't think of a reason.


"Izzy! time to get up!" Joathan threw my door open, way too happy for it to be six in the morning. I groaned, rolling over. I felt a snap as he flicked a towel at me and hit the tip squarely against my ass. I growled, jumping up." out." I hissed. he ran out the door, screaming "It's alive!" the whole way down the stairs. for an 18 year old, he sure was an idiot. well, not a complete idiot. he came in armed. true, with a towel, but still, if it wasn't for that he would have got smacked with a well aimed shoe.

I closed my door half way, still too tired to really pay attention to what I was doing. I slipped on a pair of jeans on the floor, and cursed loudly.

" hey now, no ugly language this early in the morning. that's for tonight." I growled, twirling on the floor. " I said to get the hell out, J-" I cut off as i saw the too tall figure in my door way. he turned my light on, momentarily blinding me. " well, I wouldn't know, since i'm not my brother, but i do beleive you now have a nice bruise on your ass." I growled, getting over the shock of the roman god- aka chess- actually talking to me. " well, i'll do what i planned on doing to him to you." with out looking down I picked up a van and hit him squarely between the eyes, sending him backwords. i shoved my door completely shut with my foot before scrambling up and locking it for good measure. a moment later, as i was pulling my shirt off, I heard the door rattle.

" go away!" I hollered, pulling my cami on, then my jacket. i thought they had left, until I was pulliing on my jeans and i heard the door open. I tuned around, hissing, expecting Jonathan, only to find chess, open mouthed. I scowled, quickly pulling my jeans up the rest of the way. i hadn't zipped my jacked up yet, so it still bared my skin tight blue cami.

" what do you want?" i hissed. he snapped his mouth shut, then, with a sly smile, he flung my shoe at me. I caught it before it could hit me in the face." nice catch." he said, leaning in my door way, eyes shamelessly roaming over me. i leaned on my hip, partly to show my annoyance, partly to hold them up, because i still hadn't zipped them up, or buttoned them. " do i have to ask again?" he smiled, finally meeting my eyes. "to return the bruise. but now i remember, you already have one." I scowled." you'll have another one if you dont' get out, NOW." he frowned, looking down once again. " why do you wear such baggy clothes?" i shook my head, zippig my jacket up, and going to stand in front of him, hand on the doorknob. I had to crane my neck to meet his eyes.

" out." my flat, clipped tone suprised him, i could tell. he stepped closer, and i emedieatly stiffened. " answer my question, and I just might." i narrowed my eyes, but before i could respond, jonathan called up the stairs " if you want a ride to the coffee shop, Get your asses down here!" i frowned, confused, and chess gave me a dazzling smile." mom didn't tell you? they went on a business trip and wont be home for another week." I crinkled my nose, and he laughed, then spun and jogged downstairs. I finished putting my pants on, slipped on some black toe socks, then my vans. i jogged downstairs, only to find it pouring outside. i should have saw it as an omen- hell, it was the first day of school, but i didn't . just a curse. every time i've started a new school, even in never rain arizona, it rained. i guess god thought it was funny, but i have no idea.

" so it IS alive! amazing, I thought Chess was talking to himself again." Chess glared at his older brother as he smirked at me. i rolled my eyes. " i need coffee NOW." he nodded. " i know, i saw Chess's forehead." I glanced at him, and was suprised at the newly forming bruise suspiciously shaped like a shoe forming inbetween his eyes. I shurgged. he turned to him. " so, did you get a good look at 'er?" I threw the keys at him, making him flinch as i hit his temple, close anough to his eye to scare him. " alright, I can take a hint."


jonathan was actually more like a sibling than a my foster parents child. he made fun of me, harassed me, and joked with me, yet protected me. Chess was more of a model that liked to lounge on the couch with his shirt off if he wasn't in the basement lifting weights. so when he dropped us off at the coffee shop to catch the bus, I wasn't that suprised. I WAS suprised when Chess fallowed me into the shop and towards the register. he made it very clear that he did not like coffee. I ordered a mocha lattee with extra cream and chocolate. I was putting my money on the table when he pulled out a credit card and handed it to the cashier. I scowled at him, and he shrugged, ordering hot chocolate. he stopped the cashier before he left.

" send richie out, would you?" the boy nodded mutely, and a moment later a tall,brown haired boy that looked vaguely familiar showed up. it took me a moment to realize he was one of the boys i'd seen the numerous times i'd slipped outside un noticed by while they played Xbox or gamecube. chess waved a hand between us.

" izzy, this is Richie. Richie, this is my foster sister, Izzy." he shook my hand, slightly confused. i knew why. no one interduced friends to friends by therer nicknames, but Chess knew better than to call me by my real name- misery. " what's that short for?" I flinched, and Chess visably cringed, probably remembering the blody nose i'd given Jonathan for calling me by my real name. " it's misery, but everyone calles me Izzy if they know what's good for them." his eyes widened. Chess changed the subject as the mute boy came with our drinks and Chesses credit card.

" think you could give us a ride to school?" riche nodded, studying me more intently. I scowled back, and he grinned." sure, why not. give me thirty minutes." I turned and went back outside to stand under the pavelion, shaking my head.


school was utterly boring till lunch. it stopped raining, so i took my lunch outside, and, using the hem of my overly long jacket as a cushion on the wet ground, i sat under an old hickory, and turned on my Ipod. so i was completely taken off guard when a shadow fell on me. I jumped, and looked up to see chess looming over me. i took an ear-plug out. " yes?" I asked, annoyed. Richie appearead next to him. " well, we where going to sit here with you till the rest of our group came out." Chess said. i was about to say no, but richie shoved him down next to me, then sat on the other side of me. " and even after, because it's better over hear than near swooning girls." I rolled my eyes, putting my ear phone back in, only to have Richie pull the other one out and put it in his ear and grab my ipod boldly out of my pocket. I shot him a glare before taking the other ear plug out. he grinned, putting that one in his other ear." thanks." i shook my head, and ate a few of the doritos out of the bag i had taken from the cabniet at the house. without asking promission, Chess grabbed a handfull. I shook my head, and three boys appeared out of nowhere on the other side of him.they odded me an exknowlagement, and Chess interduced us around a mouthfull of doritos. the one closest to him was Greg, and he could be Richies twin. then there WAS the red headed twins, Darrek and Chase. they all found it funny that my name was Misery, and CHess lieterally had to restrain me from hitting them. I think he enjoyed that a little too much, though, because his arm lingered around my waist long after it should have.


after that thought i mentally kicked myself. he wasn't interested in me, he was just making sure i wasn't going to kill his friends. he'd seen me and Jonathan go at it plenty of times this summer, I didn't need to prove i could. suddenly Darrek stood in front of me. " alright, we have a test. well, everyone takes it, but we've been the only ones to pass it." I gave him a 'uh-uh, suuurrrre' look. " probably because you guys where the ones to make it up." he shrugged. " touché. each of us have a question. I'll start. do you do drugs?" i shook my head, and chase spoke up. "are you still a Virgin?" I shot him a vicious glare, but told the truth. " no." Chess'es eyes just about popped out of his head, and I snickered. " you didn't think i was THAT innocent, did you?" he shook his head, and Richie asked his question." so, who did you loos it to?" I snorted. " Neil Armstrong." he scowled, and I laughed bluntly." no, this fling i had with a guy named Leon. he was a senior when I was fourteen." I shrugged at his shocked expression. I turned to Chess, and he grinned. ' i know you'll like this one. what wouldyou choose as a weapon of murder?" I didn't even think about it."icicle." he gave me a look that said i needed to be in a looney bin. " think about it. hit them in the back of the head with it, there dead. no prints, because it would melt. and if you got it from outside, then they wouldn't be able to tace even where you got the water from. cold case."

"serial killer." he said, shaking his head. i grinned." remember, I live in YOUR house." he shivered in mock horror, then his hand flew to his bruise. " yes, I belive i do. bruised ass and all." I shook my head and rolled my eyes heavenward." I am sooooo sorry." I said too sweetly. his eyes widened." for what?" I slapped him,hard, across the face." that." I said flatly. he put his hand to his face, suprised. "ow." he said, and his friends started laughing. he tackled me unexpectedly, and i was pinned under him. he grinned wickedly. " you know," he said, loud anough to be heard over them. then, lower, he said" i think they'd enjoy the veiw you gave me this morning." I scowled, wedging a foot between us. i pushed, hard, and he went flying. " I think not." I said flatly. for some reason, that was the time the swooning girls decided to decend, and I slipped from the crowd quietly with my things, furious, and at the same time amused. those boys had actually made me SMILE, something I havent' done in a long time.

Chapter two

when i got home, Richie dropping me and CHess off, I went straight for my room and closed the door, planning on slipping into a pair of Jonathans old boxers and longsleeved shirt and go to sleep till he woke me up. instead, while i was changing shirts, my door flew open, AGAIN, only this time it was Richie. he stopped dead in his tracks as i pulled my shirt the rest of the way on at a leaserly pace, as if him seeing me half naked, with Chess behind him, didn't effect me at all. " yes?" I said dryly,putting my hands on my hips. they both blinked, then simutaniously shook there heads. " we...uh..." richie started. Chess finished. " wanted to know if you wanted to go with us to the park with the twins and greg." I shrugged, going to stand in front of them like i had the last time Chess had come barging in. I sill hadn't changed my pants." sure, why not?" they nodded, but i grabbed each of there arms. they turned, confused, and I smacked them both. " knock next time." I hissed in there ears before jogging downstairs. I didn't see them exchange sly grins.


" so, now where the only three that haven't seen you partaly naked." Greg said casually. he was leaning against an oak tree, me on a bench across the path from him, Chess leaning against the back of it, Richie leaning against the front of it by my feet, and the twins streatched out on the path." actually, I've seen that twice." Chess said, dancing out of the way in time to miss getting smacked. Richie gave me a funny look, and I shrugged. " he walked in on me changing this morning. and if he EVER does it again, ANY of you, you'll get the worst bloody nose i've ever given." Chess laughed. " which is pretty bad. Jonathans nose still clicks when he blows it." I rolled my eyes.

" number." Darrek said bluntly. Richie rolled his eyes." no idea. Inbetween what?" he glanced at me, grinning. " 1 and 10." he thought for a moment. "9." I closed my eyes, suprised. I'd expected a low number, and that high of a one made me uncomfortable." what about you, Chess? rate your foster sister." Greg said, and I glared at him out of one eye. " i will when she answers my question." I frowned, opening my eyes." which one?" he grinned. " the one i asked you this morning." I frowned, then my eyebrows shot up. " THAT question?" he nodded.

"yup. till then, no rating." I shrugged, closing my eyes again. i didn't need to tell him why i chose the clothes i wore- actually, only Leon even knew the answer to that. he said, and i quote ' your gonna end up feeling like a hooker if you keep wearing anything other than baggy clothes, because I wont be the only one with there hands all over you. then i just might get jealous.'

" so, Izzy, if you don't mind us rating, you must like us." I scowled at the sky, then turned to Richie. " I tolerate you, better than if I’d stayed home and had to deal with Jonathan. He just might have had to go to the hospital again." Chess laughed, and surprised me by sitting on my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. " She’s lying, she loves us." I crinkled my nose, trying to wiggle out from under him. He grinned wider, and before he could say anything perverted, I kicked my foot so my shoe flew off and hit him in the head. He jumped up, and I sprang up, standing on the edge of the bench, balancing on one foot. He had my shoe in his hand. He laughed when he saw my socks." toe socks? Really?" I shrugged, and then toppled over onto Richie. Chess yanked me up before I was able to hit the ground. He opened his mouth to say something when his phone rang. By the way he grimaced I guess it was Jonathan.

" Hello?" He listened to him talking on the other end for a minute, a smile spreading across his face. He glanced at me. ' She’s right here. Do you want to talk to her?" Jonathan said something else, and he threw his phone at me. I caught it reflectively.
"Hello?"

" Izzy? This is Jonathan. Mom and Dad want to talk to you, do you think you could call them?" I sighed. " Sure, I'll call them on Chess's phone. Bye."

" Alright, bye." I hung up and went to his phone book. I glanced at him. " I 'd like my shoe back, thanks." he grinned, looping the laces around his fingers then throwing it over his shoulder. " Maybe later. Who are you calling?" I shrugged. ' Your mom and dad wanted to talk to me." I found there number and called them. She answered on the first ring. " Yes, Chess?" she said, sounding breathless. " This is Izzy, Jenny. Jonathan said you wanted to talk to me?" She gasped.

" Hold on, let me put this on speaker." there was a pause, then she said " alright, can you here us?" john, my foster dad said. " Yeah, I can." I started walking down the path, away from the boys so they couldn't hear what I was saying. Jenny squealed.

" We wanted to ask your permission first, Izzy. While were on this business trip, we where wondering if you'd allow us to adopt you." I felt my breath catch in my throat. She went on hurriedly.

" We know you've only been with us for 2 months, but we really like you. And you and the boys get along, well, like siblings. Yeah, you fight, but that's expected. But you joke around with them, and you have fun. The social worker said that you almost never genuinely laugh, but you've laughed yourself breathless around Jonathan numerous times. What do you think?" I felt my eyes widen. " I.... I...ok." I managed. She sounded worried." is this too soon? Do you want to stay longer and see? Or are we just rushing this on you? Do you want time to think?" I took in a steady breath, and then let it out. " I think that would be great. I'll call you tomorrow morning, all right? This is just too good of news to process and make a good decision,” she laughed. " Listen to you, talking about rational decisions. All right, I want an answer be nine tomorrow. I'm calling Jonathan and letting him know, alright?" I sighed in relief. " That’d be great, Jenny. Thank you guys so much." she said good-bye, and then hung up. I walked back to the boys- err, hopped, kind of- till I stood in front of Chess. I glared up at him till he gave me my shoe.

" Were leaving. Richie's dropping these guys off, so were walking home." I glanced at the sky. It looked like it was going to rain, and we had a good 6-mile walk. I sighed.
"Alright." we waved bye to the guys, and they taunted us about the rain. As if on queue, it started misting. I pulled my hood on my jacket up, deep in thought. I wanted Jenny and them to adopt me so badly- when I was little, that was always my Christmas wish, or what I wished for on birthday candles- but a hateful, mimicking part of my brain said that when they learned about my habit, they'd kick me back into the system. So I didn't realize Chess was talking to me until he grabbed me wrist and yanked me to a stop. I winced when the fabric of my jacket scraped against the fresh scabs forming on my arm. I yanked my hand away.

" where you listening to me at all?" he asked, surprised. I shook me head, rubbing my wrist. he grimaced. " sorry." i shrugged, dropping my hands to my sides. he glanced at the sky. it was pouring now, and i smiled, letting my hood fall off as i raised my face to the sky, smiling. it was getting really dark, and at that moment, the street lights turned on. I laughed, spreading my arms out. " I love the rain." I said blissfully.

Chapter three

" we need to get going." Chess said, pulling his hood farther up. I spun in a circle, arms out." why? the rain is fun." he made me gasp when he caught my waist and brought me to a stop. " really,kid? right now it's just hazardous to our health." i felt anger rise as he said 'kid' in the exact tone my dad did when he left me on the subway bench.

" I'm only a year younger than you, so DON'T you call me kid." I hissed, spinning out from under his arm, pulling my hood up, and stomping off. I heard him fall into step next to me.

" where were you before you moved here?" he asked suddenly. I flinched, and continued to study the ground as it went by under my feet. finally i sighed.

" I was in Michigan. Before that, I was in Florida, Arizona before that, and L.A before that, and at the end of last year I was in Hawaii." he nodded.
They moved you around a lot." he commented. I scowled." no, I moved myself." he gave me a confused look. right about now I would have stopped talking to any other person. for some reason, I felt compelled to explain to him.

" when I get tired of a place, or dislike a place, I run away. or get in too much trouble at school. or with the police. anything to get me out of there." he nodded. I gazed off in the distance, and it started raining impossibly harder, till I couldn't see my hand held out in front of me. I felt his slide into mine, and he started pulling me off to the side.

" Come-on!" he called over the noise. I fallowed him blindly, until suddenly the rain was gone, and we were squished together, under a pavilion. He pushed his hood back, and he was grinning. I did the same, a smile spreading across my face.

" this is the Cemetery." he said loudly, over the noise of the rain, making a sweeping arc with his arm. I nodded, shaking my head. I looked around the dimly lit pavilion, and realized that we were standing at the entrance of a crypt. I turned back to him, and he was studying me. I blushed, looking down. His hair was plastered to his forehead, and his eyes sparkled, even in the barely lit rain. The noise died down slightly, to where if we where to talk, we could carry it out in a normal level.

" Izzy." he said, and his voice was right in my ear, making me jump. I glanced up, surprised, and his grinning face was inches from mine. his smile slowly faded, and I felt his hot breath come quicker against my cheek. he leaned foreword even more.

" I’d really like to kiss you." I rocked back on my heels, surprised. By the look on his face, he was serious. I bit me lip, looking down. his hand gently tipped it back up to look at him. " Please?" he whispered. it had quit raining so hard, and I heard it. I rocked back on my heels again, then leaned up.

he met me half way, and our lips meshed together perfectly.


he was a good kisser. his tongue flicked out playfully, and I teased right back, sinking my teeth into his bottom lip softly. he let out a small gasp, and my tongue slipped behind his teeth before darting back again. he hissed, pressing his lips harder against mine. i smiled slightly, and his tongue slipped between my lips and started massaging against mine. I joined in, and I found my hands snaking up his chest to his wet hair, tangling themselves in it. he backed me into the wall, and that's when realization hit me.

I was KISSING my foster brother!

chapter four

I pulled back abruptly, and he gave me a confused, slightly hurt look.

" We need to go." I said breathless, and I pushed him away. he grabbed my arm, stopping me. "Izzy, look at me." In response, I turned even farther away from him.

"Misery Grace Hope, Look at Me!" I growled and spun, swinging my hand when he said my full name. He caught my hand reflectively, and crossed them in front of me, so I couldn't move. His expression was hurt. " What’s the matter?" he asked, his voice dropping to a whisper. I yanked my hands down, but he didn't let go.


Until his phone rang.

He groaned, and then let me go. I spun and ran off, not waiting for him to fallow.


When I got home, I stomped upstairs. Jonathan stopped me in the upstairs hallway. He frowned.

" What’s wrong?" I yanked my arm away from him and slammed my door. I leaned up against it and slid to the floor, sighing.

What in the world had I just done? Not only had I kissed the most popular boy at the high school, AND my foster brother, but I ENJOYED it. Usually, I let a boy kiss me because they felt like it, not because I wanted it. But I already wanted his lips against mine again, already wanted to feel his hands on my hips, and my fingers ached to return to his messy hair. Someone knocked on the door, making me jump.

" Go away!" I snapped, fuming.

" No!" came Chess's stubborn reply. I groaned, banging my head against the door. " Please, Chess, just leave me alone!" there was a hesitation on the other side of the door, and I thought he'd left.

Turns out he was just launching himself at my door.

I was thrown backwards, and my head connected painfully with the edge of my bed, before I felt blood pool in my hand as it covered the blow. I spun around to see his surprised figure next to me.

" You ass!

I hissed, running to my bathroom to find a towel. I pressed it against my forehead, making myself dizzy. Suddenly his hands where replacing mine. I willingly let him move the towel away, and he sucked in a sharp breath." dammit." he muttered, covering it back up. He sighed. " Sorry." he muttered, then yelled for his brother. he came bounding up the stairs, and he took one look at the towel that was already soaked with blood before shaking his head.

" get in the car." he said, sighing. I went to stand up, but i swayed. before i could protest, Chess swept me into his arms, bridal style, and carried me downstairs. I didn't complain, I found it hard enough to concentrate on holding the towel to my head.

I faded in and out until we got to the hospital room. then the smell of antiseptics hit me, and i felt like vomiting. I groaned, and chess set me down on the hospital bed. he gave me a worried look.

" you ok?" he asked, tone matching his face. i shook my head, groaning again. " don't like hospitals." I muttered. he laughed, and his hand replaced me feeble attempt at pressure on my head. " Thanks." I sighed, closing my eyes. I heard the doctor enter, but didn't open my eyes.

" what did you do?" he asked, pushing away the towel. I opened my eyes, sighing. " i was leaning against my door, and someone shoved it open. I went flying across the room, and my head decided to have an imprint of my bed in it." the doctor smiled, still studying my head. I felt the blood run down the side of my face, and I felt dizzy again. out of the corner of my eye i saw Chess and Jonathan exchange worried glances.

"well, were going to have to give your imprint some stitches. is your parents here to sign you off?" I flinched, and he shook his head.

" wait a minute, I almost didn't recognize you. your the kid the Gregory's took in, aren't you? the one that keeps sending Jonathan in here?" I scowled slightly, and he laughed.

" was he the one that hit the door?" i frowned. " no, he wasn't. Jonathan, call Jenny so she can give him permission to stitch me up. My head hurts." he sprang up and went to the window, immediately doing as i asked.

chapter five

it ended up i needed 20 stitches. they said i couldn't unwrap my head for at least the rest of the night, so I wouldn't be able to see it till in the morning. I was groggy by the time they were done with me, so Chess just carried me out to the car again. This time he sat in the back with me, offering his chest as his pillow. i took it gratefully.

" Thanks." I muttered, and he laughed, kissing my forehead. " No problem, Izzy. Go ahead and sleep." I felt myself smile as I drifted off.


The next morning, I woke up, my head pounding.

Or was that just the fists on my door?

" What?" I groaned, throwing a pillow at the opening door. it hit whoever was coming in full in the face, and I rolled over again, away from the door. A soft chuckle came from them, and I knew whom it was. I sprang up, out of bed. " Chess! Richie! Get OUT of my room, NOW." I hissed, then almost fell over as a wave of nausea washed over me. Chess caught me by the waist. Richie whistled. " We wanted to see your newest beauty mark, Izzy. The twins and Greg are downstairs, come-on!" with that he left. I groaned, and Chess sighed.

" I'm sorry, Izzy. they didn't listen to me. i told them to let you sleep, seeing as it's your birthday and all." I straightened up, pulling away from him. " What?" he frowned, confused.
"It's the first of September. It’s your birthday. Mom called, and she said that you could make your discussion later, and that you can stay home from school today, since your head and all." I nodded, then gasped.

" Crap!" I sank to the bed, putting my head in me hands. He sat next to me. "What?" I shook my head, and was going to answer when Greg came up.

" Common, Izzy! we wanna see your imprint!" I growled.

" your going to have an imprint of my foot on your ass if you don't leave me alone." I growled, he laughed, shaking his head as he left. me and Chess fallowed.


I sat ram-rod straight as Jonathan took his sweet time unwinding my bandage. finally, I saw the last of it fall, and i heard a few Gasps.

" Izzy, that's more than an imprint. that's a damn L on your forehead." I frowned, reaching for the hand mirror on the table in front of me. Chess snatched it away from me.

" Answer one question." he said, Raising an eyebrow. I sighed. " Depends on what the question is." he grinned.

" Did you or did you not enjoy yourself last night? Besides the obvious boo-boo you now have." I scowled, while everyone else frowned. I crossed my arms in front of me, smirking.

" Guess you'll never know, will you? Greg." I turned to him, and nodded.

" Can you go to my room, and in the bathroom, on the sink, is a hand mirror? Grab it, please?" He nodded, jumping up and going to my room. I smirked at a frowning Chess.

" Anything else? Or can I shoo the rest of you to school?" Jonathan asked, pouring me a really big glass of coffee. I grinned. " Thanks." he nodded, then his eyes lit up.

" Oh! Just a heads up, mom bought you a brand spanking new drum set. She said it would be for your birthday, but I think she's just excited." Chess frowned.

" You play the drums? And why would mom be excited?" Greg came back downstairs, handing me the small hand mirror. I groaned. In the corner of my head, above my temple, was a large, L shaped cut.

" Yeah, I play the drums. And your mom and dad are arranging to adopt me why their on this business trip." his eyes just about popped out of there sockets. "Really?" I nodded, turning away from him slightly.

" That’s why they called you last night." Jonathan looked up, grinning.

" Mom also gave me instructions to take you shopping for a phone sometime today." I nodded, still not meeting Chess's eyes. He stood up abruptly.

" You know what?" he said, grinning slightly. " Why don't we all play hooky today? it's not like were going to miss anything. It's the second day of school, and it's a Friday." Jonathan nodded. " That’s fine with me. as long as you don't get in trouble, that is." Chess laughed. " We’re going to stay here all day! Why would we get in trouble? Unless, of course, we decide to... oh, I dunno.... break the T.V when we get mad at the Xbox?" I rolled my eyes, and he laughed. the twins and Greg nodded there agreement, and they headed to the living room. I was going to go to my room and sleep some more when Greg popped back into the kitchen.

" Wanna join us?" I frowned. I'd never been invited to join them before, and I doubt they've seen me play. " why?" he shrugged.

" Just wanted to know. Chess said your stats were really good, but he's never seen you play." I sighed, and he grinned.

" of course, if your too girly to play, then we would understand." I felt my eyes widen. my head was pounding, my legs felt like jello, and my brain wasn't functioning right because of the drugs the doctor gave me, but I was NOT girly.

" your on." I said, pushing past him.

chapter six

" HA!" I said, laughing as Chess stared open mouth at the now blood smeared lower half of the screen. everyone else was, too. finally Chase turned to me.

" how'd you do THAT?" he asked, wide eyed. I shook my head. " if you find a good sniping spot, it does wonders." he sook his head. Chess turned to me, a Questioning look on his face. I rolled my eyes. " one of my older foster brothers taught me how to play, and all the cheats that goes along with playing." he nodded. " I'd like to meet him." I grimaced.

" You can't." i said quietly. he raised an eyebrow " states don't do much. why not?" I studied the controller in my hands for a long time. finally i sighed.

" Because he shot himself." I said quietly. i felt the silence crush me.

" oh." he finally said, turning away. I stood up.

" Jonathan! ready to go?" he poked his head into the room. " go change, and we can go." i nodded, Jogging up the stairs.

I changed into a Lime green tank top, a gray jacket, and a pair of dark blue cut offs. I slung a messenger bag over my shoulder, and i pulled my hair up in a ponytail, something I've never done here so far. I jogged downstairs, and Jonathans Jaw dropped.

" your hairs up!" he crowed, and Chess appeared next to him. " NUh uh, she never-" he turned to me, and his jaw dropped too. I blushed, standing on Jonathans other side.

" wow. your really are." I glanced up to find Questioning eyes. i wasn't going to tell him why i decided to put it up- in remembrance of Andy, my suicidal foster brother, who used to love pulling on my ponytail when i lived with his family. he shook his head, smiling slightly.

" alright. have fun, and bring back everyone something ot eat." I rolled my eyes as he disappeared into the living room again. Jonathan raised an eyebrow as we headed out to the car.

"why was it so quiet when you called me?" I shrugged, looking down.

" I told them what happened to my other foster brother, Andy." he sighed, driving away.

"What happened to your other foster Brother?" I sighed.

" He shot himself." he choked on the drink he was taking. " Do you know why?" I frowned, leaning against the window. " Because of me. I... I said a few choice things i shouldn't have, and he pulled a gun. i thought he was going to shoot ME when he turned the gun to himself and shot himself in his head." I flinched as I heard the echo of a gunshot in my head. He reached over and squeezed my hand.

" You saw it?" I nodded. he sighed, squeezing my hand again." I'm so sorry." I shrugged. " It was a year ago. I got over it." he shook his head.

" No one ever gets over

someone close dying. especially if you see them die." I turned to him Quizzically, and he smiled sadly.

" I was with my friends one day, and we had been drinking. my friend rolled the truck on a turn, and only me and Alan lived, out of 5 people." I shook my head.

" that's horrible. I'm so sorry." he nodded, and we drove in slience until we got the store.


30 minutes later, I walked out with a lime green and red flight, Jonathan shaking his head.

" out of all the phones you could have picked, you picked THAT one? there's something wrong with you." I snorted.

" there's something wrong with everyone, I just choose to express my problems, while others bottle them up and occasionally shake them." he laughed again, unlocking the door and handing me his Phone. " the guy's numbers are in there, and mom and dads work and cell are in there too, if you want to add them." I nodded, adding the boys first, sending them a text. Chess and greg actually answered, the idiots. each of them sent me the same thing:

cool. wen u gettn hom?

I told Jonathan, and he laughed.

" tell them that you'll get home when you get home, and the only way they'll know when you get home is if they stick around." I nodded.

i'll get hom wen i get hom, an u can jus wait an c when dat is!

I shortened it a little bit. i got an immediate reply from Chess.

not Cool! u meanr.

I laughed out loud, and Jonathan jumped.

" I do believe that's the first time I heard you truly laugh. What did he say?" I shook my head, still laughing quietly.

meanr? y? cause i dont lik stalkrs? ass.

" he called me a meaner." my phone rang, and I answered it.

" how in the HELL am I and ass?" I laughed slightly.

" hummm..... let me think.... you slammed my head against my bed, you've seen me half naked, TWICE, and you constantly bug me about the littlest things." he sighed.

" I mean besides that." I sighed too.

" No idea. We’re almost home. Bye." I hung up, and Jonathan laughed.

" He’s seen you half naked TWICE?" I nodded, and he laughed harder.

" Wow. How well did he take that?" I shrugged.

" Rather maturely, actually." he nodded, and we pulled up in the driveway.

When I walked in, I froze, hearing my voice coming from the living room.

" Andy, Open this door!" I heard myself screaming. I bolted for the living room, but Richie blocked my way as i rounded the corner.

" Then say it." I heard his voice and yelped slightly. I tried to push past him, knowing now what they were doing.

They’d got hold of some of my home videos. Andy had recorded him shooting himself, so that others would know that he did shoot himself. what they where seeing was Andy, with a gun pointed at his head, me banging on the door and trying to get him to stop, unsuccessfully.

" Andy, bud, you know I can't." I heard my self-say, sounding like I was choking. Richie still wasn't budging, and I saw his horrified look. Jonathan came up behind me.

" RICHIE! Move out of her way!" he said the same time Andy screamed

"YES YOU CAN!" I heard choking sounds, and remembered he was crying. Richie moved, and I flew foreword as I heard the crack of his door under my boot, and It flew open. Something- physically or emotionally, I'm not sure- held me pinned to the ground. I heard my gasp.

" no, I can't, Andy, please, put the gun down." I heard the desperation in my quivering voice, and remember how I had put my hands up, taking a step towards him even though he had the gun trailed on me.

" DON'T! Say it, it's all you have to do." about now, If i was watching it, i'd see my make-up start to roll off, along with my tears.

" it wont be the truth, and you know it." he growled.

" Why not!? Why can't you love me?" I wrenched up of the floor, but chess tripped me purposefully, horrified eyes glued to the screen.

God, had I looked THAT Goth? I hadn't realized it had been that bad, but now, seeing it almost a year later, it was amazing. I barely heard my whispered answer, but saw my lips move.

" because, I can't Andy. You know I can't love anyone, especially you. please, put the gun down. I'll leave if you want. Just don't do this to your family." I watched as well as remembered his sneer as I stood up.

" no, because we wouldn't want to hurt poor Leon, would we? the brother who gets EVERYTHING, right? Even YOU." I reached out, and the gun swung, as a gunshot rang out, he fell, and I screamed on the screen all at the same time.

I leached foreword, and turned it off before they saw what happened next- me trying to take my life as well.

After all the yelling from the TV, the quiet was eerie. Finally, when I knew I wasn't going to cry, I turned to them, slowly, knowing there terrified looks weren’t' just from the show they just saw, but from my flashing eyes.

" Why?" I whispered, deadly silent. I might as well have screamed, it would've had the same affect.

" I-I wanted to know who this Andy Guy was. I remember seeing a video with his name on it when I carried your stuff in, so we went and got it. We found this one. God, Izzy..." Chess trailed off. He made a move to reach for me, and I shrank away from him, skirting around the edge of the room, pausing at the stairs.

" Don't do it again, I mean it." I said, before running to my room, despite the yelled protests.

I pray to god they didn't see the date in the bottom of the screen- a year ago from today.

I sank to the floor in my bathroom, that door and my bedroom door locked, just in case. I felt my hands shaking, and I silently broke down into sobs, and not the snotty ones- the heart wrenching ones, the ones only the people who've seen something so horrible, so terrifying, so HURTFULL, at least to them, could cry.

Almost without realizing it, I reached in my drawer for my blade.

chapter seven

I was sitting cross-legged on my floor, working on a collage I'd started for Jenny, when I heard the knock on my door.

" Come in." I said, not looking up.

" I'm going to go pick something up for us to eat, what would you like?" Jonathan said softly from the doorway, not entering my bedroom. I glanced at him.

" a Hamburger and french-fries would be fine, Jonathan, thank You." he nodded, closing my door. I turned back to my project.

As soon as I heard car pull away, a Knock came on my door. I sighed, pushing the poster board away, unfolding my legs.

" Come in." I said softly. Chess opened the door, took in me sitting on the floor, then went to stand my by bookshelf. He studied the books for a moment, then glanced at me before looking down.

" I'm sorry,” he said, just as softly as I had. I nodded, and he frowned.

" Was it really on your birthday?" I flinched, and he nodded. After a slight hesitation, he folded down on the floor next to me, so close I could feel his body heat.

" What did you do? Afterwards, I mean." I met his eyes quizzically, but all I saw was curiosity.

" I coped." I said, sighing, not meeting his eyes. I saw him frown.

" Why didn't you let yourself cry today? I saw that you wanted to." I stiffened.

" I don't cry in front of people." he shook his head.

" Why? It would let people know you cared." I met his gaze steadily, surprised.

" No, it would tell people you have weaknesses." he sighed, and we sat in silence for a while. Finally he said quietly

" I don't think you think that. I think you think that if you cry, you'll let people know You actually care, and you don't want people to know that." I shot him a dirty look.

" You think whatever you want, even if it's in twisted sentences that no one knows how to interpret." he smiled slightly.

" Alright, fine. How DID you cope?" I stiffened, then sprang up.

" Jonathan should be home soon." I said, changing the subject. He frowned, than slowly got to his feet.

" Izzy." he said, In that same tone he'd used at the Cemetery. I turned to him wearily.

" Yes?" I said, surprised my voice was so steady. He reached over and gripped my shoulders gently, pulling me towards him, till he could turn his head and whisper in my ear.

" I never got to say, Happy birthday." then he pulled back, but only for a fraction of a second. The next second he was kissing me.

I knew it was going to happen. And I had been dead set on refusing to kiss him back, until his lips met mine, that is.

All my reproaches flew out of my mind, and I couldn't think about anything except for him, and his sweet, warm lips, and hands, and feel....

And the fact that he would soon be my brother......

Not even that could stop me from kissing him, from pressing my lips harder against his, from locking his hair in my grip in a playful way.


No, the only thing that did stop us was the phone ringing.


Jonathan was in the hospital.

By the time we got there, he was in surgery, and he wouldn't be out for another two hours- at least.

Apparently, he had skidded off the road, and made a pretzel around a tree, which ejected him. Some of his vertebras had broken, and they said he might have internal bleeding. Chess called his parents, but somehow convinced them to stay there for now, and he'd call them immediately if something changed.

When he got out of surgery, he was too doped to talk, though the doctors said he was amazingly stable. They offered us a room to stay in, incase something happened, but we declined and headed home.

I was staring out the window at a red light when he smacked the steering wheel, making me jump.

" How can you be so fucking CALM?" he asked, catching me off guard. I frowned.

" I don't know. I'm used to surprises. I learned to cope. I don't know." I muttered, shaking my head as he drove off again.

" Well, then tell me HOW to cope, because I’m about to explode." I shrugged, and he growled, frustrated.


When we got home, he fallowed me into my room. I sighed.

" Chess, I just want to be left alone. Please, just leave." I said, asking in a hushed voice. He growled.

" How do you do it? Your almost as calm as can be. And when we talked about your Foster brother, not a look of remorse. You didn't break down when you saw the home video. How do you do that? How do you cope with things like that?"

I felt something snap inside, and I'm not sure why, but suddenly I was rolling up my sleeves, baring my red and white lines, away from him.

" Do want to know how I COPE? How I DEAL with things like this? THIS is how I cope." I spun to face him, and his jaw hit the floor as I thrust my wrist, with the red puckering lines on them into the space between us. After a second I continued in a hushed, calmer tone.

" I've been through more than most people care to know. I've DONE more things than people care to know. This is just one of those things. This is why I never told Andy I loved him- because no one, not even him, can ever love me back. I'm too broken." then, rolling them back down, I ran past him and ran out side into the pitch black of the night- only because in the safety of the dark could I cry.

when I woke up, at first I couldn't figure out why my bed was so hard. then I realized I wasn't on my bed, I wasn't in my room- I was in the forest, that was towards the back of my house- err, what used to be my house.

I'd decided last night, after a long crying spell, that it wasn't good for me to stay here. I'd wait for Jenny and John to get home, then get in trouble with the law- or run away, whichever got me away faster. now that someone knew, EXSPECIALLY someone like Chess, the sooner i got out of there, the better.

I walked up the back steps, and had the common sense to look in the window.

Chess was sleeping in the middle of the hallway, to where you had to go over him to get to the staircase.

Well shit.

at the same instant, i looked up, and saw the drain pipe, and my conveniantly open window.

chapter eight

it took me 30 minutes, but I got up there.


I took a nice, long shower, and took my sweet time changing, knowing he was up. I heard him in his room, muttering to him self. Finally I opened the door quietly, hoping I'd just slip by.

No such luck.

He had his door open, and I had to go past him to go downstairs. I seriously considered the drain pipe again, but as I was turning around, he came out of his room- with nothing but BOXERS on, thank you very much- and saw me. he frowned, seeing me changed and my hair wet.

" How’d you get past me?" I shrugged.

" Drain pipe." he scowled.

" Mom would kill you if she knew that. When did you get home?" I growled.

" When did you become my Keeper?" I snapped back, jogging down the stairs. a knock on the front door, fallowed by it banging open, alerted me to the fact that Richie, Greg, Darrek, and Chase where downstairs. I found them in the kitchen, going over the cereal we had. I rolled my eyes.

" I'll cook."


" Where’d you learn how to cook?" Darrek asked as I put the skillet in the dishwasher. I shrugged.

" I was home alone a lot in Hawaii. I learned a few things." They exchanged glances.

" When were you in Hawaii?" chase asked. Chess answered.

" The end of last year. And after that, L.A, and after that, Arizona, then Florida, and then Michigan, and now Here." they gave me funny looks, and I shrugged.

" This is the first time I’ve stayed for more than six weeks in one place for a while now." Greg spoke up.

" how long where you in Hawaii?" I flinched.

" Six months. I left right after my last birthday." everyone else nodded, but Chess's eyes flashed with realization.

" Is that where Andy lived?" he asked casually, and it got dead silent. I shrugged.

" Yeah, It was." I was looking outside, so I saw it when a powder blue corvette pulled up.

" Someone’s here." I said, glancing at him. He stood up, looked out the window, and groaned slightly.

"That's Sandra." he turned to me with pleading eyes, and then literally dragged me to the foyer with him.

" Please, PLEASE, play along, please?" he whispered as his arm snagged my waist and he pulled me close. I tripped on my flip-flops, and he steadied me as we went outside, opening the door on a blonde haired girl. She rocked back on her heels, surprised, then smirked as she saw me. in that instant, I decided, and turned to him with a smile.

" Sure, why not?" I said, and he relaxed next to me. He pulled my hair behind my back.

" Can I help you, Sandra?" he asked politely. She watched us wearily now.

" I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies today." he shook his head.

" Sorry, Izzy and me are going to get something to eat, then were going to the hospital." she gave me a sharp look, and then turned back to him, fluttering her lashes like an idiot.

" Why her? Why not me? We can go out, and then she can meet us there." he shook his head, and her voice went flat.

" You really want to go out with that?" she said, looking me up and down. His arm went from being there to restraining in an instant, but he didn't need to. I had experience getting snubs to back off.

" Oh, gosh, Is your eyeliner smeared?" she turned to Chess, panicked.

" Is it?" she wailed, and he nodded, studying her face.

" Yes, I believe it is." she ran back to her car, and we made a dash for his.

" How did you know she'd go for the eyeliner jab? Nice going, by the way." he said, starting the car. I shrugged.

" She was constantly reaching up to touch her eye, didn't you see? She was worrying about it BEFORE I mentioned it. I just gave her a little nudge. She probably smeared it when her hand flew up when I mentioned it, so she's probably fixing It." he shook his head.

" Were not going to eat, or the hospital I need to talk to you." he pulled down a gravel road, and I clamped my teeth together fiercely. I should have known this is what he was going to do, but Sandra had made me forget about last night for a second. He parked the car at a dead end, and then turned towards me. I felt him lean towards me, but I didn't look up from the window, determined to keep my mouth shut and let him guess.

" Izzy, turn around, please." I turned around, and if he saw the fierceness in my gaze, he didn't react to it.

" We never got to finish our kiss last night." I felt my face go blank with shock. Before I could compose it, he leaned over and kissed me softly, once, twice, three times. I was breathless by the second, they were so sweet.

" Now, can I ask you a question?" he asked, barely pulling away from me to ask it before kissing me three times again, this time a little longer, a little stronger. I nodded incorrectly, not quite sure what he was going to ask. He leaned foreword and nuzzled my shoulder, wrapping one hand around my waist and pulling me towards him, the other pulling at the hair at the base of my neck softly.

" Why do you try to run away when I kiss you?" It took me a second to think strait.

" I don't." I managed. He kissed my neck lightly.

" Yes, you do." he murmured, kissing my collarbone. Soon they were just brushes of heat against my skin, trailing from one side to the other.

" So why?" he asked softly after a while. I had to think harder then I was used to.

" I only did it the first time because you’re my FOSTER brother... but I didn't the last time, or this time." he nodded kissing up my neck to my jaw line.

" True, but I can guarantee that when we get home, you'll avoid me in every possible way."

He was right; I had planned on it already. But when he mentioned it, I decided to prove him wrong. He kissed the corner of my mouth lightly.

" No, I wont." he froze, surprised. Then he kissed the other corner.

" So what, you'll stay glued to my side where ever I go?"

" If that's what you want." I heard myself say. He pulled back abruptly, surprised. I could feel the smug smile on my face, and he grinned back.

" That just might be the case." he said, then leaned over and kissed me deeply, completely taking me off guard.

Gosh, his kisses were so sweet. he was always so slow, and he made me feel different than any other boy I’ve ever been with.

chapter nine

chess

She was kissing me BACK!

It was the first time she really kissed me, and it was amazing. I felt her fingers trail my neck to the back of my head, then lock into my hair. She pressed me closer than I already was, kissing me impossibly deeper than what I was. I remembered the fierce look that she'd given me when I had asked her to turn around, and wondered what it was now. I pulled back slightly, kissing her softly again, and then again.

She wore a look of bliss. Her eyes were half closed, her lips parted in the most tempting way I'd ever seen.

" You look amazing." I murmured in her ear, and I saw her lips twitch at the corner as she opened her eyes fully and pressed her lips together.

" Really? Because last time I checked, I always looked like a mess." as usual, her bluntness surprised me. I shook my head.

" Nope, you look nice. " I released her hair to lock her hands at the base of my neck with it, and then used my other one to lift her over the armrest and set her on my lap so that she was straddling me and facing me.

" Really?" she murmured in my ear, and I could tell she'd tried to mask the note of surprised in her voice, though I still heard it. I let her hands go, trailing it down the arm of her jacket. I felt my brow furrow.

" Of course. Whoever told you different is a complete dolt." she smiled again, eyes closing. I trailed my hand back up her arm, and I felt myself frown deeper. I leaned foreword.

" Show me again." I whispered, surprising myself. She pulled back abruptly, immediately going rigid. She went to pull away, and I locked her hands behind my head again.

" Please?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure why I had asked, but now I was going to stick to it now. She bit her lip, looking away from me.

" Why?" I was surprised at the worry in her voice.

" Just show me, Izzy." She turned back to me. Then to my shock, she started pulling the jacket off. I let her go, and in seconds it was in the passenger seat. I took her palms gently, and then turned them over, revealing the puckered red lines again. I never noticed them before, but there were also white lines under them. I traced them lightly, and when I glanced up at her to make sure I wasn't hurting her, she was biting her lip wearily, not looking at me. Then I did something on impulse. I leaned down and brushed my lips against them lightly.


Her reaction was immediate. She gasped, and since I had been watching her, I was able to see her head turn to meet my gaze. I turned my head and kissed her other wrist, surprised by the feel of them under my lips. They where soft, yet scratchy at the same time. She leaned foreword and pressed her forehead against mine. I felt the wet tears slide down her face as she started to cry.

chapter ten

Izzy

I felt his hands release my wrists and wrap around me as I started crying. It wasn't like yesterday, just silent tears sliding down my face. I felt him stroke my still wet hair, and I heard him muttering reassurances in my ear. I buried my face in his shoulder, and he held me tighter.

" It's ok, Izzy, It's ok. I'm here."

And that's what I was afraid of.

He was so close now; I didn't want to let him go. But I had to; I couldn't love him back the way he deserved. I needed him to understand that. I was like a dull knife in a weapons shop. I looked harmless next to everything around me, but I cut the deepest, I caused the most pain, and I killed the slowest.


I wanted to save him from that pain.

Abruptly I sat up, and he gave me a confused look, which immediately turned to concern.

" You’re bleeding, Iz." He leaned over me and grabbed a blanket sitting in the back seat, handing it to me. I took it, confused, and then I realized that my cut, which I had forgotten thanks to Tylenol, was now split and bleeding. I rolled into the passenger seat, and then pulled my jacket on as I put presser on my cut, already feeling dizzy.

" Do we need to go to the hospital?" he asked worriedly.

" Ach, More needles. No thank you." he shook his head.

" We need to go see Jonathan anyway." I sighed.

" Fine, but stop at the house first." he nodded, and he obediently pulled into the driveway.

" Be right back." I said, hoping out. The guys were gone, so I hurried and climbed the stairs. I got my messenger back and went to Jonathan’s room, grabbing his laptop, some of his books, his sketchpad, and his art supplies. I was at the top of the stairs when I remembered his computer games, and had to go back for them.

" Izzy? Where are you?" chess called, making me jump. I turned, but he wasn't in the doorway. He must have been in my room.

" Jonathans room!" I called, still pressing the blanket to my head. I crouched down, and would have fell over if he hadn't appeared and caught me.

" Hey, Easy. Are you ok?" he said, crouching behind me. I leaned against his knees as I studied Jonathan’s impressive collection.

" I'm fine. Dizzy, but fine." he moved, and then his arm was around my waist, his chin on my shoulder. He kissed my neck lightly.

" I'm sorry to here that. I'd grab Gun, and the mystery set he bought yesterday." I nodded, but before I could he had reached around me with his other hand and got them. He slid them into my bag easily, and then it joined his other arm around me.

" This is actually comfortable,” he murmured in my ear. I frowned, and he laughed.

" I've always wondered what it would feel like to hold you like this, and now that I am, I like it." I felt my mouth open in surprise.

" Really?" I stammered. I'd never realized that he'd ever thought of me that way. Of course, I'd thought the same about Andy, and look were that got me.

" Iz, I've felt like ever since you showed up. I'd thought Jonathan was kidding when he came in before you that first day and said there was an avenging angel on the way." he laughed lightly, rocking me slightly, back and forth, to the beat of a song I recognized. I involuntarily leaned back against him, dropping my hand from my forehead. It didn't feel like it was bleeding anymore, so I guess it was ok.

"You sure your ok?" he asked worriedly, kissing my neck again. I nodded.

" Yeah, I'm fine. Ready?" I asked. He buried his face in my shoulder, reaching up to move my jacket, revealing my bare shoulder, thanks to my spaghetti strap.

" Not necessarily." he murmured, kissing every bare spot on my shoulder. I felt myself shiver, and he pulled my jacket back up.

" Sorry." he muttered, kissing my neck again, and again, and again, until I shivered again.

chapter eleven

" Chess, we need to go." I gasped. He stopped for A fraction of a second before continuing to kiss my neck again. I went to push off his knees with my back, but his arms tightened around me. What could I say? I wasn't a match for his hard six-pack. And biceps.

" Sure?" I nodded, not trusting myself to answer truthfully in words. I felt his laugh in his chest.

" Really, because you don't seem too eager to get up." I sighed, shaking my head. he pulled me backwards, making me fall on the floor. Before I could get up, he had pinned me under him gently. His stomach pressed mine softly, but I could still feel the muscles in them. He was smirking.

" Am I right?" he asked nonchalantly, then didn't give me time to answer, pressing his lips firmly but gently on mine. I tried to gasp, but it didn't work too well with him on top of me.

Finally, after a few seconds, I gave up struggling and kissed him back. I could feel him smile as he kissed me. He pulled back, only to immediately start trailing burning kisses up and down my neck. I was having trouble breathing.

" Chess!" I gasped, and he rolled off me, only to pull me next to him.

" I do believe that's my name. What would you like?" he said in my ear, and I shivered as his breath hit me.

" To get up?" it sounded like a question.

What the hell! I wasn’t supposed to feel like this for anyone, much less my soon to be brother!

He didn't get time to answer, because his phone rang. He sighed, then got up and sat on Jonathan’s bed.

" Hello?" he asked, motioning me up off the floor. I stood up, and stood in the doorway, as far away from him as possible. he sat up straighter.

" Ok. Bye." he turned to me, closing his phone.

" Jonathans up. Ready to go?" he smirked slightly. I nodded, spun, and was down the stairs before he left the room.

On the way to the hospital, I made the hardest decision I'd ever had to make.

I was leaving.

As soon as chess was asleep tonight, I was leaving. I couldn't stay around without hurting him severely. And if he was hurt...... it'd be a repeat of Andy, only possibly worse. I didn't want to hurt him at all, but that was impossible now. I know I’m going to leave a scar on him, but it wont be as big as it could be.

Thank God.

it took a while, but finally I got Chess to leave me and Jonathan alone for a few minutes.


He was in bad condition. He was covered in bruises- something they didn't mention last night- and yet he was so happy to see us, I almost wavered with my decision.

Almost.

" Jonathan, I need to tell you something." he smirked at me.

" You and Chess are together? Not that hard to figure out." i felt my eyes widen. we looked like we were together? Fuck.

" what!? NO! no, that's not it." he frowned, then shook his head.

" why not? he's been love with you for, like, ever."

" what!? wait, no." I sighed, taking a deep breath. why did he have to tell me that now?

" no, I'm leaving." he frowned.

" like, now? because you can come back tomorrow, if that's better for you guys." I sighed again, and just met his gaze steadily, until his eyes widened in surprise.

" What!? WHY!?" I flinched at his accusatory tone.

" Because... because he's getting too attached. I’m going to hurt him, Jonathan." I closed my eyes and said softer

" And I don't want to hurt him, Johnny. I don't. He’s the most amazing thing I've ever seen, but even he can't help Me." he scowled as I met his eyes.

" You leaving will hurt him, too." I shook my head sadly.

" Not as much as it could." I said truthfully, and his eyes widened again. He was going to say something, when Chess appeared.

" Here’s your soda, Jonathan, Iz." he handed it to me, hand lingering on mine.


" Why was Jonathan shooting you daggers?' I shrugged as we got into the car, almost eight o'clock. He hesitated, turning to me.

" Can we watch some more of your home movies? We’ll only watch the ones you pick out, I swear." he said hurriedly. I felt my eyes widen.

" Uh....." I turned to look out my window. He sighed, turning the key in the ignition.

That sigh did it.

" Sure, why not?" I said, still looking out the window. I glanced at him, and he was looking out his window, grinning from ear to ear.


At 9, we were on the hid abed in the living room, a box of my home movies next to the TV, a remote in Chess’s hand, and a bag of popcorn between us.

" so, which one are we watching?" I asked. he leaned over the side, studying the box thoughtfully. Finally he straightened up with a movie in his hand.

" This one." I rolled my eyes.

" And the title is...." I said, and he smirked.

" All it says is soul pounding." I felt my face drain of color.

" oh, uh..... alright, I guess." I muttered, embarrassed. I'd seen that movie once, and it wasn't the best of me being drunk. he slid the movie in and sat back, wrapping an arm around me. I stiffened, then tried to relax. If i was going to spend one more night here, I might as well enjoy it. The screen flickered to life.

chapter twelve

" ah, the wonderful black rose has finally awoken." I heard Leon, but didn't see him, just me with bed hair, a tank top, and one of his old pair of boxers. I flicked him off, eyes half closed.

" You’re a complete and utter ass, Leon." the camera moved.

" Sorry, I don't speak exotic flower." I growled, than stormed into the doorway in his line of sight. the camera fallowed me. Now you could see Andy, and Hanna, my friend in Hawaii, along with six or seven other drunks with a hangover.

" Now wait a minute, I thought it was soul pounder, not Black rose. Make up your damn mind." Andy said, flashing me a grin, which I returned with a confused look between the two.

" Soul pounder?" I said, and Hanna spoke up.

" The way you played the drums last night, Hun. It didn't make our hearts beat, you made our souls pound." I rolled my eyes.

" Thank you, Hanna. Your input on my lack of drumming skills is greatly apprecheated." one of the other drunks i can't remember spoke up.

" Lack of skills? Girl, I swear, that beat you played damn near carried me to heaven." I sighed, and he pushed me a glass of coffee, which I took, sitting next to Andy.

" uh-uh, sure. And I know dolphins who sing." I said. Without missing a beat, Andy's head snapped up.

" Dude, Leon, you sing?" the room erupted in laughter, and the camera was shoved at me. I twirled it in time for you to see Leon, and Andy, swinging away.

" What are we doing here, again?" I stage whispered to Hanna. she laughed.

" Were watching manly men doing manly things." I snorted.

" There ain't nothing manly about those two." both there heads snapped up.

" HEY!" they said at the same time. I handed the camera to Hanna, seconds before you heard me gasp. When she focused on me again, I was thrown over Andy’s shoulder.

" Put... me... down!" I gasped, and he twirled me around, laughing. I groaned slightly.

" Andy, really, I'm going to be sick." I moaned. He continued to twirl.

As promised, I hurled.

" Ahh! Gross!" he yelled, seeing as he'd caught all of it. he set me down, and I staggered back to my seat.

" I warned you, dumbass." I said, rummaging in the cabinet next to me for something. The camera moved positions as Leon took it back.

" Izzy, may I ask you a question?" Andy asked non-chalantly, cleaning his shirt in his sink. I gave him a wary look.

"uh, sure. as long as it's not too personal." he wrung his shirt.

" How old are you?" I frowned further.

" 14. Why?" he froze, turning to me.

" And you won the chugging contest last night?" I shrugged, and the camera shook with Leon’s silent laughter.

" Yes, she did, and was still sane enough to beat the hell out of the drums. I taught her well." I grimaced, but didn't say anything.

" When is mom coming home?" Leon said suddenly. I glanced at a clock, and then lurched up.

" In about 30 minutes. Anyone in the kitchen when I get back is volunteering to clean up." the onlookers scattered, including Leon.

" Well, she knows how to fill, and clear a room."


the screen went black, and Chess turned to me. I blushed slightly, looking away.

" I'd like to hear you play sometime." I frowned.

" Maybe sometime." I said, not agreeing completely, but not refusing. He nodded, grinning, and put another movie in.

By 12, he had seen most of my personal moments, and not so personal, but still embarrassing moments. At the moment, he was laughing as I did a face plant at a party on a slip-in-slide. He pulled me closer and wiped his eyes.

" I'm so sorry, Iz, but that was too funny." he laughed again, and turned the T.V off. I shrugged his arm off.

" Sure you are, Chess. That’s why your laughing so hard." i stood up, but to my surprise, he lurched over the bed, grabbed my waist, and pulled me back down so fast my knees buckled and folded against his hands and my stomach.

" I'm serious, Izzy. Why don't you believe me?" he asked, pulling me closer and sitting up, until I was sitting on his crossed legs, and he was cradling me, his chin on my shoulder, arms wrapped around me. I still had my jacket on, and it must have bothered him, because he pulled it off, revealing my skintight spaghetti strap, striped enough to make a drunk dizzy. he had lost his shirt when we got home, and I could feel his chest pressed against my back through the thinness of my shirt. Fighting with the coldness of the rest of the room, he was like a furnace, and I found myself shivering. he tightened his grip on me.

" you didn't stay glued to my side today." he muttered, and i found myself smiling.

" No, but I didn't run away from you, either." i pointed out. he groaned.

" But still, You said you would." i sighed.

" Sorry, but I’m not very good at keeping promises sometimes." he made an agreeable sound, rocking us to that beat again.

" What song is that?" he froze.

" It’s not a song you'll know.” he said, swaying again. I frowned.

" Is it on your computer?" he didn't speak for a long time.

" Yes." he finally said, kissing the side of my neck. he turned me, and planted a kiss swiftly on my mouth.

" Now stop talking and kiss me, please." he said bluntly, pushing me down onto the bed, never letting his lips leave mine, not giving me much of a choice. his body covered mine as he kissed me deeply, and i twined my fingers in his hair. He pulled back suddenly.

" Are you sleeping down here with me tonight?" he asked, again bluntly. i knew what he meant. I could just as easily go to my room, close the door, and wait for him to go to sleep.

I didn't.

chapter thirteen

" Iz, wake up." Someone said, right next to my ear, waking me. I stretched on my stomach, the sheet only coming up to my hips. Someone’s arm was draped on my bare back, and it took me a moment to realize it was Chess.

" I'm up." i murmured, keeping my eyes closed and turning to face him. he surprised me into opening my eyes when he kissed me.

" You sure?" he asked as I opened my eyes. i stretched again, arms over my head.

" As sure as I’m going to be." I said, yawning. He grinned, his hand trailing up and down my back.

" Good, because if we don't get up soon, the guys will find us in our birthday suits." For some reason i found that funny, and i laughed so hard i was crying, rolling so that i was looking at the ceiling when i was done.

" you think I’m joking?" he asked, surprised. I shook my head, pulling the covers up to my chin, blushing slightly.

" no, I believe your completely serious. That’s why I found it so funny, sorry." he studied me for a minute, then leaned over me and kissed me softly for a few minutes, then pulled back.

" I'm serious, we need to go." he said, making no move to let me up. Instead, his arm slipped under the covers to wrap around my bare waist. I gasped slightly before he was kissing me again.

I heard a door slam outside.

We scrambled up, each grabbing for our clothes, gripping a cover around us. I scrambled up the stairs and was at the top when the front door opened.

Chess wasn't so lucky.


When I was dressed, i shimmied down the drainpipe, and walked to the doughnut shop down the street, bought a couple dozen, and got a ride back by taxi. i walked in, and Richie appeared in the hallway. about that time, I realized what i had promised myself.

i hadn't left last night.

" Doughnuts? How’d you know our weakness?" he said, reaching for a box. i spun out of his reach into the kitchen. Everyone tried to grab for it, but i waved them off.

" You get these on one condition." I said, looking everyone but chess straight in the eye. They all nodded.

" You leave me and him alone." I said emotionlessly, and they all groaned.

" That’s not fair!" Greg said, eyeing the box. I heard a stomach growl, and chess stood up and next to me. He reached down and pulled out a doughnut, then proceeded to eat it in front of them.

" This isn't really fair, you know. We walk in to find chess in nothing but a sheet, and your door closing, and we aren't aloud to talk about it?" Richie said, eyeing the box. I raised an eyebrow.

" do you want them or not?" i glanced at a clock, then did a double take.

" and choose hurriedly, because it's almost time to go to school." chess shook his head, eating another doughnut.

" no school today. something about a holiday. you don't pay very good attention in school, do you?" I shrugged.

" I'm not going without doughnuts. I promise to keep my mouth shut." greg said, reaching foreward. this time i let him have one.

they agreed pretty quickly after that.


after the boys left, i went to my room to think about my situation. it was at least three hours before lunch, so i had plenty of time. i laid down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, deep in thought.

last night was amazing, i wont deny it. I’d never had so much fun with someone before, especially someone like him, usually i got someone more my style.

and from the goofy grins he kept giving me, he enjoyed it too.

and there was my dilemma.

if he really did like me, even a little bit, then i had a Huge problem. He just wouldn't let go, and that was an even bigger problem. if he didn't want me to go, i don't think i could anymore. which means i have to leave BEFORE he does something drastic.

"iz, can i come in?" came his voice from the other side of the door, making me jump. I sighed, closing my eyes.

" doors unlocked." I said, not opening my eyes as i heard it open. a few seconds later the bed sank with his added weight.

" you ok?" I opened my eyes to see his worried face hovering over me. I smiled faintly.

" yeah, just tired. think i stayed up too late last night." he smiled, but it didn't meet his eyes.

" you sure?" i sat up till we were almost eye level. i studied him intently, a sudden thought coming to me.

" Did we watch a movie labeled ' John- John- jimmy' last night?" he frowned, and then shook his head.

" no, we didn't watch it, why?" i smiled slightly.

" because they're the ones who taught me how to cope in a different way. And they were the most fun I’ve ever had at a foster home. No offense." He shook his head.

" well, then lets watch it." i thought a moment, then smiled.

" ok, but i should tell you something about them, just so you don't freak later." he frowned, pulling me up off the bed. we were on the steps when i started the story.

" John, and his friend, John, owned a boat, and Called L.A there home. John 1, as we liked to call him, had officially adopted his little brother, Jimmy, a week before i showed up, so they went out on the boat with me and them. John 2, his friend, liked to video tape things, but only gave me one or two of them." he nodded, going through the box on the ground in front of the T.v finally he looked up.

" ok, so what’s the kicker? were they like, mass murderers or what?" i grinned as he slid the tape on. I waited for him to press play before saying

" no, but they were all gay." he froze, and I saw his eyes widen in the T.V reflection. then i showed up on the screen, sunbathing on the deck of there boat, John 1 next to me.

" John's checking you out, Z. I’m jealous." he said non-chalantly, and you heard a big, brawny laugh.

" you shouldn't be." came a deep, booming voice.

" Yeah, I don't date barbarians." there was a snorting sound, and the camera swiveled to face Jimmy, who was standing next to John 2.

" hold this, would ya son? that girl needs to learn some manners.” the booming voice said. the camera was handed off, and then it swiveled to show a huge, brute of a man headed toward me. in one swift motion he had me thrown over his shoulder, and I screeched.

" JOHN! put me DOWN!" i screamed, beating uselessly at his back.

I glanced at chess as i continued screaming on screen, and he had a bemused expression on his face, eyes glued to the screen. John1’s voice made me look back up.

" John, hon. put her down. she's going to get sea sick." he still hadn't opened his eyes. John 2 shrugged, me still over his shoulder, than preceded to throw me over the side. as i came up sputtering, the camera shook with jimmy's laughter. john 2 turned, and proceeded to throw john 1 over as well. jimmy backed up as he headed for him. before john 2 could do anything, my legs were around his waist, my arms around his shoulders.

" ok, brawns, got brains? if so, I'd apologize to john. you got his designer glasses wet." john sucked in a sharp breath.

" the ones I picked out?" i nodded, and he threw me off his back ,and hauled john back over the ledge with one hand. as he did, Jimmy turned to me.

" you ok?" he moved and then he was sitting next to me, the camera still trained on me.

" yeah, just cold. hand me a towel, will you?" he reached around him, and as we heard John 1 and 2 complaining, i dried off.

" how'd you get back on the boat so fast?" i grinned.

" boy, have you ever seen me use the ladder to get in and out of this boat? you people are used to having footholds handed out, I find them, and heave." he laughed once.

" well, were going inland in two weeks. we'll have to figure out who has better land legs, wont we?" i scowled.

" If i don't drown myself first." I said flatly. Jimmy laughed once.

" you wouldn't drown yourself. you may talk about it, but really, you love life too much." I thought.

" You’re right. maybe. " he grinned, rolling his eyes.

" Just remember, ever get depressed, bang the hell outta a pair of drums." it was my turn to roll my eyes.

" Whatever, asshole."

" hey, watch it!" came both of the johns immediate response. Then the screen went blank.

" so, you guys watched some of your home videos?" Richie asked. we were at the cafe, after a mutual decision to meet there after supper. chess nodded, looking at me over the steam coming from his Coca, and my coffee. it had literally just got dark, and we were sitting outside, jumping up and down, trying to stay warm, like the dumbasses we were.

" yeah, and there was some pretty damn funny ones. Face plant." he started laughing again, and i rolled my eyes, glad i had the hot coffee in my hands so i didn't hit him. When he stopped laughing, he explained in quite good detail my face plant.

" I’ll be back in a second." I said suddenly, realizing I recognized a car in the bar parking lot across the street. i ignored there protests, and crossed to the truck. i glanced at the rearview mirror, and saw all i needed to- Leon’s tassel, the one that never leaves his truck. I glanced around, till my eyes fell on a hunk of a boy sitting on the hood of another truck, laughing his booming laugh that i missed slightly. someone spotted me by the truck, and pointed to me. his head swung around, and his jaw hit the floor. he jumped up, and got to me faster than I realized as he squished me in a huge hug.

" Girly z! Where have you been? God, I've missed you." he said, setting me back down. I smiled slightly, realizing again how much he looked like his older brother.

" Hey Leon. How are you?" he shrugged, waving a hand over his shoulder.

" ok. Visiting some friends. How about you?" i waved a hand over to the cafe, were my group was waiting for me, watching us with wide eyes.

" Foster family. Here, I have to go, but do you have a pen?" he opened the door and emerged with one, and a piece of paper. I scribbled my number on it.

" Call this sometime, and we can catch up, ok?" he nodded, grinning from ear to ear.

" It was great seeing you again, Z. bye." he hugged me one last time, and then I ran back to my friends.

" Old foster brother." i said before questions started. Chess gave me a hard look, and i knew I’d be getting it later, if i let him.

chapter fourteen

" bye, Richie, Greg!" I called, as Chess said a goodbye behind me. as soon as there tail lights disappeared, i spun around and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

" i thought they'd never leave." i murmured, then kissed him.

This was the only thing i could think of, to stop the questions. he would enjoy it, and so would I. it was a win win situation.

" Well, you’re, ah, enthused." he said, pulling back for a breath. he glanced at the living room, then wrapped my legs around his waist.

" hold on." he whispered mischievously, then carried me up the stairs like that. I laughed.

" well, that’s one benefit of having a very beefed up boyfriend. Another is this." he was at the top of the stairs, so I unhooked one of my arms, and reached down, slid my hand under his shirt, then down his abdomen, watching and feeling him shiver. his eyes met mine.

" Is that what i am?" he asked, a husky tone to his voice. I bit my lip, then reached foreword and kissed him softly, pulling back before either of us deepened it.

" Absolutely." he swung me around once, then let me unhook my legs from his waist. he pulled me foreword, and we slipped into my bedroom, leaving the lights off so that we could stumble around in the dark.

when I woke up, my head was on Chess's chest, his arm draped around my back. my sheet was pulled up to my chin, but my quilt was discarded on the floor. i studied Chess for a moment, then realized what was so off.

he looked his age.

he looked like a teenage boy who had a fun night, and was too tired to care about anything. usually he looked way older than he was, eyes set a certain way, and lines creasing some part of his face.

" it's not nice to stare." he said, eyes still closed, making me jump. now that i knew he was awake, i sat up and leaned over him. my hair brushed his cheek, and he opened his eyes.

" Are we going to see Jonathan today?" he sighed, then nodded.

" Yeah, we are. he asked me yesterday to after richie and them left, but... you were enthused." I rolled my eyes, rolling away from him. i sat up, and he pulled me back to his chest.

" where are you going?" he asked. I frowned.

" shower." he grinned.

" can i join you?" i rolled my eyes again.

" sure."

after our shower, we skipped school and went to the hospital. Jonathans eyes just aobut popped out of his head when he saw me. he asked Chess to get him something from a vending machine, and got rid of him.

" i thought you were leaving." he said flatly. i sighed.

" I still am. but i've been.... distracted the last few nights." he got a smug look.

" i could still tell him, you know. he wouldn't let you out of his sight ever again." he met my gaze steadily, and i sighed.

" i know." I said softly. his eyes widened.

" what's the matter?" i put my head in my hands.

" i'm going to hurt him, Jonathan. i can feel it. but i can't stay away from him. and last night... i.... Leon's in town. he wants to meet up sometime, and meeting up with him involves a roll in the hay more often than not. i don't know... i don't like it." i changed my mind on voicing my opinion on his brothers anger. he sighed.

" can't you-" Chess's had came around the corner.

" none of the vending machines on this floor see to be working. do you still want that candy bar?" Jonathan shrugged.

" if you can't get it, than it's fine. sit and talk. What have you guys been doing?" he had a mischievous glint in his eyes. Chess took the seat next to me, and laced his fingers through mine.

" we were watching home videos the other night, and some last night, too. she has some really funny ones in her closet." I rolled my eyes as Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

" is that all you guys did?" I glanced at Chess, who was rolling his eyes.

" maybe, maybe not. if we wanted to tell you, we would." he said, and Jonathan laughed. about that time, my phone vibrated. i looked down, not recognizing the number.

hey z,
what u doin 2nite?
leon

fuck. i deleted the message, scowling slightly. Chess gave me a funny look, but let it go.

" so, why aren’t' you guys in school today?" Jonathan asked. Chess grinned.

" we came to see you. until your better, we might as well skip school." Jonathan laughed again at that.

" Well, what will you guys be doing tonight? if it's nothing important, than maybe you can buy me some more games, and a few new movies." i tilted my head to the side.

" the hospital doesn't have internet, does it." i said matter of factly. he nodded.

" you’re a smart cookie, aren't you?" i stuck my tongue out, and Chess laughed, shaking his head.

" Sure, Jonathan. we'll by the damn movies."


" why did we have to buy these again?" I asked as i climbed into the passenger side of his car. he grinned.

" because we love him, no matter how big of a jack ass he can be." I rolled my eyes. we were at a red light when i spoke again, on a very touchy subject to me.

" what.... what do you think i should tell your parents?" I asked. he was quite for a long time, obviously suprised i asked.

" i think.... i think you should tell them what you want. what is

epilouge

as soon as Chess went to sleep on the couch, i left, leaving him a note.


Chess


im sorry. i know this is going to hurt you. it hurts me. but i have to leave.

i've been too attached to you. i.... i love you. i know i do. and it scares me. alot. i don't know what to do, and i know that if i stick around, i'll hurt you worse than this letter will. don't let me interfere with your life, sweetheart. if and when i can straighten my head out, i'll come back. if you've moved on, so will i.


i love you, Z

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.04.2010

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this is dedicated to my friends. we all have problems, and we still stand eachother.