Author's Note

Hello, it's the author here.

I know it's unorthodox to put the author's note at the front of the book, but I just wanted to say, yes, this is me speaking from my heart. Yes, this is me using songs to feed my words onto the page. Yes, this is me desperately trying to get someone to hear my words that I cannot say out loud. I've recently gone through a whole lot of things that are giving me enough emotional turmoil to write this, so please, just please, if you happen to find this, don't turn the page and forget. Read and remember. Read and let me have my voice.

How did I love someone?

 How do you love someone?

 

Well, it depends. Do you want someone for forever or do you want someone who’s there at the moment? Do you want someone to help you forget, or help you remember?

 

I wanted someone for forever, but I took a chance at a moment. I broke a heart, and broke mine. I wanted someone to help me forget what I had done, and yet he helped me remember. I broke his heart, and I mended mine.

 

And I’ve lost who I am.

 

I’ve lost myself, somewhere along the trails of broken hearts I left. But I can’t turn back, because you’re waiting for me there.

 

And I know that I can’t take one more step, towards you, cause all that’s waiting is regret.

 

I lost my life, and I learned to live, half alive.

 

Who did I think I was?

Running around leaving scars, collecting a jar of hearts, and tearing love apart. Just so I could mend myself. Because they gave all of them to me, and I gave nothing back.

 

I’m not the angel you thought I was.

 

I’m not the queen of your life like you thought I could be.

 

I’m not the lion that roared my pride.

 

I’m not the girl that could give and give all of my everything, just to a single you.

 

The only things left between me and my heart are only the teardrops of my soul.

 

And those teardrops have fallen on the path to you and created the river that I can’t get across.

 

I can’t find my love anymore.

 

My heart’s too shattered to love and be loved.

 

My heart’s too scarred to be mended again.

 

My heart’s beginning to break my soul, the soul that cries and has cried all this time.

 

And when that river dries up, with it, goes you. Because you live on my river of tears. You live on the water that has poured out of my soul. And I can see you happy, see you there on the other side of the river that has no bridge. And I can see you happy without me. I thought I had loved. I thought I had been hurt before.

 

Yet, it’s not seeing you happy without me that hurts the most.

 

It’s because I know you can be happier without broken, criminal me.

 

And because I know you can be happier without me, my own words hurt me the most.

 

I can’t breathe, because I am a devil.

I’m not the angel, not the queen, not the princess you could come save, not the lion who was too prideful, not the eagle that soared too freely,

I was the butterfly who got crushed too easily and turned into a devil.

 

So I’ll continue breaking my heart for you, because every time I see you happy living on my sadness, I can go break another heart so I can shatter my fragile glass heart for you.

 

For you, for you, for you. I broke you, and now you’re happy, so for you, I will continue breaking myself. Because you will never know it is me who's broken soul you live off. Because you will never know it is my broken heart that beats inside your chest. So take what’s left of me, and rid yourself of your monsters, because you can be king again.

Talking about How Did I love Someone

I didn't actually leave a trail of broken hearts. You probably know that. But that's what I feel like. That's what I feel like is happening to me and that is what I am going to do. I haven't dated many people yet, but I'm breaking the people who know about what is happening to me. I'm breaking their hearts by doing what I'm doing. I don't even know who I am anymore. So there.

Intro to the Broken Me

This next chapter, the one after this one, is about me writing about me breaking hearts, and breaking my own. Inspired by songs yet again, one song in particular, called Me and My Broken Heart.

Me and My Broken Love

How did I call that love?

 

I said I loved you.

 

I said I loved him.

 

I said I would stay with you forever.

 

I said I would love you forever.

 

But all I needed was love to fuel me and my broken heart. So I could keep loving, keep lying, keep breaking hearts left and right.

 

My love is broken.

 

I'm your witch, I'm your ghost, your broken doll.

 

I just needed that love to live, I needed your loving to kickstart me and my broken heart.

 

Just a little love in the dark, a healing potion for my soul, a immortality elixir for my broken love.

 

A promise that I always break.

 

A vow I never keep.

 

A life I never hold.

 

Hearts that I always shatter.

 

You broke this doll, you broke this heart, how did you call this love?

 

You said you loved me.

 

You said you loved me and only me.

 

You said you would stay with me forever.

 

You said you would love me forever.

 

You played me, and all you needed was my love to move on. So you could keep loving, lying, and breaking me.

 

Your "love" is broken.

 

You gave me your broken love.

 

And I made it my broken love.

 

I fell apart and I used my broken loving to put the broken doll back together.

 

But once dolls break, they're never the same again.

 

You know that, right?

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.02.2017

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Widmung:
I dedicate this to my now-ex boyfriend, and my new boyfriend. I do know that he's hiding many things from me, and that he won't commit to me, yet I dedicate this to him anyways, and my ex, because I was the one that cheated, and those two have given me enough to write this, however short it is.