Living Nightmare

“Have you even felt like your drowning but you’re still breathing?” I asked my therapist. “You can explain so I can understand?” she asked while typing something on her computer. “You’re living but you don’t feel like your living…” I began but stopped in mid sentence. “Living but not living?” she questioned me. 

“Yes” I answered and she gave me a blank stare asking me to explain myself. “Like your in a dream. Your life just doesn’t seem like its YOUR life” I explained again. “Why do you feel like you are in a dream?” she asked again trying to get more information out of me. “Like I have no control over anything that happens in my life. Just image you hovering over yourself and having no control” I said while laying down on the couch that sat across from her desk. “I can understand that.”

She said while finishing typing up what I just told her. “How?” I questioned her. “How can I understand what your going through?” she back.“Yes. How can someone like you possibly understand anything I’m going through?” I questioned in a more stern and kinda annoyed tone.

I looked into her eyes but didn’t say anything. She turned her stare towards me and said “you don’t know my past. I have a history like you do” she said trying to act strong but I could tell she was fighting back tears. “How do you know all of my past. I keep a lot inside and I don’t tell you anything about my life at home or school so how do you know that you had the same life as I do” I asked while looking up at the ceiling. She didn’t say anything for a long time and neither did I. After a few minutes of silence of both of us just sitting here she finally said “if I give you a preview of my past will you do the same?” she asked.

I looked over at here and replied “I want to leave.” “Okay. How about we go on a car ride?” she answered while getting up and reaching for her coat. “We can do that?” I questioned. “Yes” She answered while sticking her second arm into the coat. I picked myself up off of the couch and fixed my coat. “Okay” I said while opening her office door and walking out.

She followed after me. When we got into the car I looked over at her while reaching for the cord that I can put in my phone. “She nodded and I stuck the cord into my phone and started to blare music. After a few minutes of sitting there and listening to the music she turned it down and turned into Taco Bell. “Wanna talk and eat?” She asked while parking the car. “I could eat” I answered and got out. When we ordered our food we sat down and waited for our number to be called.

I took my phone out of my back pocket and put my head phones in. My therapist (Amanda) got up and got our food. When she sat back down she tapped on the table to get my attention. I took one of my headphones out of my ear and looked up to her. “Please no phone when we eat” she said. I looked at her and took my other earbud out and sat my phone next to me on the seat. “So I assume you want me to start?” she asked while putting hot sauce on her taco. I nodded my head while taking a bite out of my burrito.

She nodded her head in responds. She sat there for a few seconds trying to gather her thoughts. “When I seven my mother passed away. She was shot in a parking garage while we were leaving the hospital. I screamed out her name but nobody was around to help. I sat next to my mothers dead body and held her face in my little hand. Finally after what felt like forever but really was like five minutes a female came up behind me and picked me up. She called the cops and they called my father. After that night my father became a alcoholic and he remarried. She was evil and I hated her but I hated her sixteen years old son even more.

They got married and I became the forgotten child. They made me do all the chores around the house. I was a little slave to them. My “stepmom” (Lucy) started to threaten me and my dad would sit there and stare at me. “It’s all your fault. You could have ran and gotten help but nooooo you sat next to her and watch her die” my father used to say to me. When I was eleven my stepbrother started to hit me. When I turned thirteen and started to blossom he started to notice me as a sex object.

At age fourteen he sexually harassed me.” He would say “If you ever told anyone I will kill you slowly” and I saw evil in his eyes so I didn’t say anything for years. When I turned eighteen I went to collage and went three times a week to see a therapist. I told her everything she turned him in and he is still in prison. I spent a lot of years scared and feeling helpless and lost like you are feeling right now” she said while looking at her food with tears streaming down her face. “I am so sorry” I said and put my hand on hers to comfort her. “Thank you” she said while taking her other hand on my hand and patting my hand that is still resting on top of hers. “I guess it is my turned huh?” I asked while looking at her.

She looked at me and I started to say “My mother is a meth head and addicted to crack. She drink and smoked. She wants nothing to do with me. When I was two I ended up in foster care. When I was eight I asked for my mothers number and I called her and you know what she said to me?” I asked while looked out the window trying to hold back the tears. “She said she never wanted anything to do with me. That I was a mistake and I should have never been born.

That because of me her life and her body is ruined” I said and I felt a tear slowly run down my face. “And I didn’t need to hear anymore and after she said that I didn’t say anything to her; I just hung up. A few days later I got a call from my grandpa saying that my grandma passed away. A month after that my grandpa died. After he died I began to cut. I started to rebel. I was getting in a lot of trouble and I got sent to juvie.

After a month of being in there I went to a foster home and the foster mom abused me and the foster dad sexually abused me. A few months later I got a phone call saying that my dad got out of rehab and wanted to get fight for me. I began to get visits with him. He asked about my placement and I acted like it was the best place to be. A year of rap and abused I found out that I was pregnant. I didn’t know what I was going to do but I knew that I wasn’t going to inform my foster parents that I was pregnancy. They might make me kill it or get ride of it. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my dad.

A month later I went home to my father. A few months of living with him I told him about my abuse at my old foster home (but I didn’t tell him about the baby) and he told my workers. When I was beginning to show and I could’t hide it anymore, I told my father about me being pregnant. He was pissed but we decided to keep it. After a month of being home my father started to drink and he would say to me “You are helpless. You are no good. You were a mistake. Nobody loves you” and after a few months of saying nasty horrible things to me he started to sexually abuse me.

A few months later at school I got called down to the office and they told me that my farther just called and said that my mother died of a heart attack a week ago. I went home that night and went to bed and didn’t even get up for school the next day. When my dad found out that I didn’t go to school I got beaten and sexually abused and this time it was worst then ever.

After months of carrying the baby inside me I finally went into labor. After thirty-six hours of labor, I had a baby girl. When I turned eighteen and school was almost over my father died cancer and I was finally free and now I have trust issues and I hear and see things now. “I feel like I am in a dream and I can’t wake up”I said while still looking out the window with tears running down my face and falling into my lap. I sat there trying to regain enough strength to look at Amanda but they tears just kept on streaming down my face. The whole time I told my story, Amanda kept her hands on top of mine.

I felt her hands move then I felt her arms around me. I looked at her and have her a weak, half smile and she returned it. “I am so sorry” she told me while I put my face into her shoulder. “Its the past” I told her. “But it can still affect you” she remained me. I cried even harder and held her close. “I don’t know what to do?” I asked her.

“I can slowly help you work through it” she said while tugging back from the hug. “Thank you” I said and whipped my face. After a few minutes of sitting there and trying to get myself to together we finally went out to the car. After a awkward, silent car ride we pulled up to the office and I jumped out and ran to my car. I was just about to hop in when Amanda said “stay safe and everything we just talked about will stay between each other” she said which made me smile a small smile. “Thank you” I said while sliding into the drivers seat and started the car. I put on my seat belt while the car roared to life. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home.

I jumped out of the car and ran up to my house trying to keep the tears from running down my face. I unlocked the front door and ran to my bedroom. I had a hour to go pick up my baby from her dads house. I laid my head down and fell asleep.

I woke up thirty minutes later to someone calling me. I picked up the phone and answered the call without looking at the caller ID. “Yes?” I asked while rubbing the sleep from my eyes. “Hey sorry. Did I wake you up?” I heard my baby daddy say. Yes but I am awake now.

What do you want?” I asked kinda annoyed. “Are you still picking up Lexie” he asked. “If I said I am going to pick her up then I will be there” I answered while getting my stuff ready to leave. “Okay but if wouldn’t have called then you wouldn’t have bee ready to pick her up” he said and hung up. I rolled my eyes and walked out the door. Twenty minutes later I pulled up to his house and hoped out of the car. I walked up to the front door and knocked.

Seconds later he answered and I walked in. I looked towards the living room and saw Lexie playing on the ground with her toys. “Hiiii baaaaby” I said to her while reaching my arms out to her to pick her up. She leaned towards me and I picked her up and gave her a BIG kiss on the check. “Ready to go home with mommy” I said in a baby voice. She squeaked out in joy and I walked her over to the coat closet pulled out her coat. I wrapped it around her and walked to the front door. I gave a small smile to the baby daddy, walked out the door and put Lexie in her carseat and jumped in.

I drove off and when we got home I saw grandma there. “Oh yay” I thought to myself. I took Lexie in her carseat and walked to the front porch. I took a deep breath in and walked through the door. I looked in and there she was sitting on my couch. “Hello Miss. Hickleson ” I said when I closed the front door. She looked at me didn’t say anything. “Im just here to see the baby” she said in a plain voice.

“Excuse me” I said kinda rude. “I don’t want anything to do with you” she said while I was putting the sleep baby down on the floor in her carseat. “Get out” I said in a yelling/whisper tone. “No. I want to see my new born baby niece” she relied in a more rude tone. “I don’t care. I want you out of my house” I said but this time I walked over to the door and opened it so she could leave. “I don’t care that you don’t care.

I am here to see my niece weather you like it or not” she said still not moving an inch. “I don’t have to take anymore shit from you. I am not married to your awful son” I said through my teeth. I was trying so hard not to grab her by her ear and throw her out. “I will leave in ten minutes. “GO!!!!” I hollered at her and at that point I didn’t care if the baby was asleep. Just jumps in shock and stood up.

“LEAVE!” I said loudly. She stared at me but didn’t say anything and thats when Lexie started to cry. She walked over to Lexie and picked her up. I shut the door and ran over to them. “Put her down and leave” I said while reaching out the take Lexie from her. “It took me a hour and half to drive here so I can her” she said while rocking Lexie to sooth her. “Maybe next time you call and we can make plans.

Not come home and see you sitting on my couch, in MY house” I said but this time taking Lexie from here. “Now leave” I said while walking over to the door and reopen it so she can leave. She didn’t say anything after that. When she was gone, I sat Lexie in her carseat and took her to the kitchen. I made a bottle for her and gladly excepted it. I made myself some dinner and afterwards I took Lexie (who was asleep) to the living room so I can watch some T.V before I go to bed. I flipped through a few channels but nothing looked good so I took Lexie into my room and laid her down on the bed and walked out of the room. I hoped in the shower.

I stood there for a few minutes letting the hot water run down aching back. After I washed my hair and body I got out of the shower and wrapped my hair and body in a towel. I brushed my teeth and got my night cloths on. I headed to my room and opened the door. I walked over t Lexie and turned on the lamp. I looked over at Lexie and there she was wide awake staring at me. “Awe. How didn’t cry” I said to her while picking her up to go and make her another bottle.

After I made the bottle and sat there for thirty minutes she finally doze off. I laid her down and laid next to her. I kissed her on the forehead before laying my head on the pillow. Within seconds I was passed out and I didn’t wake early enough to get ready to pick up my other daughter, who is four now, from my friend’s house, she was spending the night with her daughter. I throw on my cloths and a little bit of make up. I changed Lexie’s diaper while she was still sleeping. I packed her diaper bag and made sure I had my wallet in my purse. When I was done I picked Lexie and sat her down slowly into her carseat.
I put her in the car and drove to Taco Bell and got something to eat on the way. I drove up to my friends house (Zoe) and knocked on the door.

“Hey girl. She’s right over here” she greeted me while pointing over to the living room. “How was she?” I asked. “She had a ruff night but I think she’s feeling a little better today” she said. “What?
What do you mean she had a ruff night?” I asked kinda concern. “I think she’s getting sick” she told me. “Awe poor baby” I said while walking over to Kylee and Ashley playing with there toys and watching Frozen on the big fat screen T.V. I sat on the couch and Zoe did the same. “Hey love” I said. “Sorry for being late. I didn’t get up till like ten times ago” I told Zoe.

“Oh it’s okay. I didn’t wake up on time either. Both of them slept till ten and I didn’t wake up till they woke me up. “Wow. She doesn’t ever sleep in” I commented. She nodded her head in responds. “So did they eat a large breakfast or eat lunch yet?” I asked.
“They didn’t eat lunch” she reassured me. “Did the eat a large breakfast?” I asked once again. “What would you call a BIG breakfast?” She asked back. “What did they eat this morning?” I asked while staring at her. “I made eggs, pancakes, toast with orange juice” she replied while looking away.

“Is that all she ate this morning?” I asked because I knew something was up because she looked away. “No…” she answered while walking over to her daughter and started to play horses with her. “Come back here. We are still walking” I told her. “Oh” she said trying to act innocent. She slowly walked back to the couch and sat down. “She may have ate more” she announced.

“Mmmmhmmm” I said which told her to continued. “A hour after she ate all that she had pop corn while she was watching Dora….” she said while looking in the other direction. “And” I asked. “And a pop tart…….and more eggs and another pancakes…..” she admitted while she still looked at the T.V. “What else is there” I asked because she still wasn’t looking at me. “She also might have ate cereal and some watermelon” she confessed and I looked over at Kylee. “Oh my lord. You ate that much” I questioned her.

“Yeah” she answered with a big smile. “Where do you put it all?” I asked sarcastically. She pointed at her tummy and Zoe and I both laughed. “Ready to go?” I asked while picking up Lexie’s carseat and reaching out to hold Kylee’s hand. “Yes mommy” she answered while she got up and reached for my hand. “Bye Zoe.

See you tomorrow then we take everyone to the park. “Wait before you go, I have a question” she said while standing up from the couch. “Yes?” I asked. “Did your babies ever sleep at night when they were new borns?” She asked kinda concerned. “Not always. Why?” I questioned.

“Well Lola doesn’t sleep at night. I don’t know what to do” she confessed to me. “Lexie used to not sleep all night but I used this brand on diapers and they help her sleep all night. She doesn’t even wake up once at night” I reassured her. “Really?” She asked with awe in her eyes. “Yes” I answered. “What brand” she questioned. I told her the brand and she searched it up. “Ohhhh. It has five stars and the comments are good. Well…..most of them” she told me after ten minutes of looking at it. I already sat Lexie back down and I was sitting on the couch again and Kylee was playing with Ashley.

“What do you mean most of them?” I questioned her. “Well, I may have looked through like five hundred and forty-seven messages and there was like twenty-eight bad comments about it” she told me and I knew she was concerned. “Look Zoe. Those bad comments where probably from babies that was allergic of the diapers” I reassured her. “Okay. I will buy them when I go to Walmart today” she announced. “Okay sounds good” I tell her while getting up off the couch and tell Kylee that it was time to go.

“See ya tomorrow” I reminded her. “See ya tomorrow” she repeated. I put Lexie behind the passengers seat Kylee buckled herself in but of course I still went on the other side to make sure that it was buckled in all the way. After that I hoped in the drivers eat and drove off. When I got to the house I was my baby daddies car. “What the fuck is he doing here” I said out loud to myself. “Mommy you said a bad work” Kylee remind. “Mommies sorry” I told her.

I pulled into my drive way, right behind my baby daddy. “ I got out and opened Kylee’s door. I put child lock on both of the doors in the back because I would rather be safe then sorry. While she unbuckled, I went to the other side and got Lexie out. I waked to the front door and opened it. “Hello Nathan” I said getting the baby daddy. “Hello Barb” he said while standing to give Kylee a hug. I shut the door and turn around to see Kylee run up to Nathan and give him a big hug.

“What do you want” I asked while sitting Lexie’s carseat down and lifting her out of it. “I came here to talk to you about the way you talked to my mother” she told me. “I am not sorry for what I did to say. I am tired of her thinking she can say and do whatever she thinks she can” I told him while sitting in the chair that sat across from him. “I think you were a little mean to her” she commented. “Ashley honey, please go to your room” I told her. “But why?” She questioned me.

“Because I said so” I told her. “Because why?” she asked again but this time looking at me. “Because I am your mother and what I says go” I told her while I was pointing towards the hall that led to her room. She crossed her arms and stomped to her room. “Your mother said some rude things this morning” I explained to Nathan when I heard Ashley’s door slam close. “What did she say” he questioned, trying to get more information out of me. “Well for starters she wouldn’t leave my house until she made me make her leave” I told him.

“And how did you make her leave?” she questioned me but this time it seemed more serous. “I told her at first but she wouldn’t so I screamed at her and she still did’t leave so when she went to go pick up my baby I took it from her and told her to get out and she did” I confessed. “You scrammed at my mother?” he asked and I could see the anger in his eyes. “Yes” I answered in a strong steady voice acting like I am not afraid of him even though somewhere deep inside of me I wanted to run and throw up. “I get you back for disrespecting my mother” she warned me. “Whatever” I said while opening the door.

I tried to hold back my fear until he left. He looked at me with evil in his eyes while he walked out the door. “I hope he doesn’t anything stupid” I said to Lexie. She giggled in responds and I took her out of her carseat and sat her on the ground. Ashley sat down next to her and started to play with her. Hey Ash can you play with her while I go take a shower?” I asked. “Yes” she asked in a plan voice because she hardly heard me.

She was to busy playing with Lexie. I went to my bedroom and picked up the towel that I used the other night from my bedroom floor. I went and took a quick shower. When I got down I wrapped a towel around me and went to the bedroom to dress myself. I was putting on my night pants when I heard Lexie crying. I tried to put my pants on as fast as I can. Then all of the sudden, Lexie stopped crying. Oh well I thought to myself.

I took my time walking down the hall way and that when I turned the corner. I looked into the living room and that when I saw both of my children gone. “AHAHAHAHA” I scared really loudly. I cried while I walked over to the T.V because it had a note on it. “If you ever want your children back then you will learn to show respect” she letter read and I whipped the tears out of my eyes so it was easier to read. “You will do whatever I say and you will get your kids back” it contained. I looked up from the note and looked out the window. There car was gone, I thought to myself.

I looked down at the note and it said “if you want your kids back then meet me at 2226 cave street and don’t call, write, or send the cops there. If you do I promise I will have both of your sweet daughter dead” the letter warned. I took a deep breath in and I scrammed a loud scream. I jumped in my car and sped off. When I pulled up to the house saw this guy outside of the house and he told me that I had to come inside. I walked into the house and I saw a lot of people and there was loud music playing. “What is going on” I asked the person. He didn’t respond but I think its because the music is so loud and there are morons hollering.

We went through the living room, kitchen, then dinning room. We went up the stairs and down a looooooong hallway. He opened the fourth door on the right and stepped backing, telling me to enter first. I walked through the door and saw nothing. It was pitch black in the room. I went to go reach for the light when I heard a females voice. “You don’t want to do that” she warned.

“Why?” I tested her. “Come” she told me. “How? I can’t see anything” I informed her. “Feel your way to the bed and sit” she said in a rude voice. I didn’t say anything after that. I felt my way to the bed and sat down.

“What do you want with my kids” I asked trying to hold back the tears. I didn’t want to start crying in front of them because I didn’t wanna seem weak. “We don’t want anything with your kids” she told me and I felt her looking in my direction. “Then why did you take them” I questioned so I can get more information out of her. “I want you” She said and I heard the chair squeak and foot steps. The steps seemed to get closer and closer and then I could feel the heat of her body. When I finally got enough courage to speak I said “Why do you want me” I asked in a strong voice but I knew she could tell that it was all a act. “Thats something you’re gonna have figure out” she said and I felt her sit beside me.

I didn’t say anything and neither did I. After a few seconds of silence I heard the door handle jiggle. I jumped up off the bed and thats when I felt someone grab me. A man picked me up and threw me in the closet. I put my ear up to the door to try and hear what they were saying. I heard the door swing open and the males voice said “Excuse me. We are using this room.” Another females voice spoke up “sorry. We just thought the door was stuck.”

I didn’t hear anything after that. After a few seconds of just standing there in compete silence, the closet door got flung open. “You will do as I say” said the males voice. “Okay” I said trying to act strong but you could hear the fear in my voice. “Go home. Get some rest. When you wake up there will be a letter beside your bed on your night stand. It will be leaning against the power lamp and your house phone” he told me.

“How do you know so much about my house” I questioned him. “I know everything” he told me and I cold feel my legs getting weak. “O….o..k..aaaa…yy”I in a shaking voice. He put him hand on my lower back, guiding me to the door. Every step I take I feel like this guys hand is getting lower and lower I thought to myself. I tripped and fell over a chair and hit the ground hard. I felt his hand reach out and touch mine. I grab his hand and he pulled me up.

I started walking and thats when felt this guys hand slid down to my butt. I turned around and said “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I questioned. “I think I was about to touch your butt” he answered and grabbed me by the waste. “Stop it” I warned him. He leaned in towards me and I thought he was going to try and kiss me but he whispered “I can do whatever I want to you” in my ear. The way you said it made me shiver. I walked over to the door and thats when I felt him again but this time his body was on mine.

I was pinned to the door and I felt a small kiss on my neck. He bit my ear softly and whispered “next time lose the attitude or I’ll make you” and I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes but I refuse to have these horrible people see me cry. He slowly removed his body from mine and I flung open the door. I heard foot steps behind me and I saw that man staring at me. I began to walk faster and so did he. I practically ran out of the house and jumped in the car. Seconds later I saw the passengers door open and there he was, standing there with a big smile.

“Did you think you could get away that fast?” He asked. I didn’t say anything. I looked at him to study his face and it wasn’t that bad to look at. He looked like he was maybe twenty-three or twenty-five. He has strong features. His cheek bones are high and noticeable. He has full pink lips and from where I am sitting I could see a six pack behind his white, wet wife beater.

“Are you gonna stare?” He asked and that pulled me out of my thoughts. “Why are you here?” I asked back. He sat in the car shut the door. “What do you think you’re doing?” I asked. “I think I got orders to go home with you and make sure you don’t do anything stupid” he informed me.

“No no no no no no” I said while shaking my head. “Do you want your children back?” he asked. I put my seatbelt on and he did the same. After a fifteen minute drive I was finally home. I jumped out and walked up to the house and unlocked the front door. I walked in and sat down on the couch and started to flip through the channels.

“Alrighty. Lets get down to business shall we?” the guy said. “No” I told him. “Yes” he said back. I didn’t say anything after that. He sat down next to me on the couch and took the remote. He shut off the T.V and I stared at him.

“You and I will do everything together so we know you don’t try and do anything stupid. I will go everywhere you go. To the store, upstairs, downstairs; you name it ill be there right by your side” he informed me. “You are not sleeping with me” I told him. “Ooh yes I am” he said and got up while winking at me. “Why are you flirting?” I asked. “I think your cute” he said.

“How can you say that when you stole my babies from me?” I asked in a rude and demanding voice. “I don’t know about anything. I haven’t even heard anything about stealing babies” he said kinda puzzled. “What do you mean?” I questioned. “I get a phone call saying that I have to keep you in line and to make sure you don’t call the cops and here I am. I don’t ask questions, I just do as they say” he told me.

“Well they took my kids from me and I don’t know why” I told him. “Im sorry” he said while taking a few steps towards me. I felt a tear run down my cheek and then he reached out his hand and whipped my face. “Lets go to bed?” he asked. I nodded my head in responds and when we got to the bedroom I opened my closet door. “Can you please leave so I can change?” I asked.
“No can do. I will turn around for you though” he told me. I heard him turn around and I changed into my nightclothes. I went over to the closet and grabbed a blanket and throw it at him. “You and I are not sharing a blanket. Get on the other side of the bed” I told him. “Fine Miss. Bossy” he commented. I walked over to the bed ad crawled into bed.
I couldn’t fall asleep so I just laid there. I was am waiting for this guy to go to sleep. I don’t even know his name I thought to myself. When I looked at the clock it said 2:30. I slowly moved out of bed thinking he was asleep when I felt the bed move. I stood up and there he was standing by the door waiting for me. “What are you doing?” I asked.
“Im waiting on you” he remarked. “Why?” I asked again. “Where ever you go, I go. So were are we going?” He asked while turning around to face me. “I was going to go watch some T.V because I can’t fall asleep” I confessed. “Why were you trying to be sneaky about it?” He questioned me.

“Because I would like a little alone time” I said kinda rudely. “So what are we gonna be watching?” He asked me while walking out the door and headed towards the living room. I walked out of the bedroom and went to the living room. When I got there I saw him sitting on my couch so I took the chair that sat next to the couch. I flipped through the channels but couldn't find anything good to watch. After sitting there for a good hour I got up and went to bed. I laid down in bed and I slowly fell asleep. 

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 23.10.2017

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