About Name:

 

Sarang.

Out of nowhere, he came into my life when I was obsessed with the idea that true love happens just once and your first love had to be your true love.

With thousand of problems circling around a young girl’s mind he came with the bouquet of happiness.

Well I? I was a little late to see that that bouquet contains hidden scars.

I was at that time in love with another guy, my first love, and I could have died just to have him, to possess him.

‘Love isn’t about possession’ he taught me.

Not just that, he taught me about love, patience, care and all, in a way that I will never forget nor I want to.

‘True love, that miraculous love happens only in books and movies’ I had heard that sentence many times, even I, myself used to say this.

But as he and I started sharing lives with each other, it felt like something new, good and beautiful. Something like miracle. Something which happens in books.

I kept avoiding the feelings, I don’t know why, maybe because it was just impossible between us. And so I never gave it a serious thought. We were just friends.

‘Well, why is he going to fall in love with me?’ this one question used to arise in my head and my heart used to shut up. My heart hadn’t its answer.

Life went on. We shared every single thing with each other, we didn’t know why. But, really, we felt at ease after sharing our innermost feelings with each other.

I told him the things I never told anyone. And he told me the things he never told anyone.

Suddenly, I stopped talking to him without any particular reason. Now I know fate had its hand in it, maybe to make our story beautiful. Worth telling.

‘Hello’ I texted him after two weeks of that unknown-silent-thing.

‘Hey’ he instantly replied back as if he was waiting for my text.

The conversation went on, talking about usual things.

‘Have you ever thought of us?’ he asked a question suddenly I never imagined he would ask, but my heart always wanted him to ask.

‘Of us?’ I confirmed out of my sweet-irritating thoughts. And I guess, I knew what his next text would be and my heart was jumping.

‘Of falling in love.’

Even though I knew he would say this; my heart had told me this, still it surprisingly gave me a shock.

‘Wow’ I thought.

‘No’ I replied back.

I am lying to him for the very first time.

‘So, have you thought of us?’ I texted him back out of curiosity.

‘I was thinking of you a lot, I mean more than I think I should.’

‘So, you in love with me?’

‘I think I am.’

‘But it’s impossible between us, you know.’

‘I know, but I keep thinking of you. I can’t get anywhere.’

Anything between me and him was impossible because we were different, we had different religious believes. And my parents won’t allow that.

That day our conversation went on. I wanted to avoid him because I was in relation with another guy. Even though I knew something was going on in my heart too but I wasn’t ready to accept it. First it was impossible, second I was already committed and third that I never wanted to get hurt.

‘Weird, He is in love not I am so why can’t I stop thinking of him?’ I said to myself while I was about to sleep and his thoughts weren’t ready to leave me.

We didn’t use to meet more often, just once or twice in a month, usually in his back porch. But we talked almost daily.

We talked and talked and with his every single message I found myself wanting him more and more.

‘Ugh, what is he doing to me?’ I thought never accepting that some war was going on in my heart.

I couldn’t think of leaving that guy with whom I already was in relation with. Yes, we were having a bad fight but wasn’t this just another fight as thousand of fights we had before?

More than that he knew all about that guy and still he says he loves me.

‘He is mad’ I concluded.

Once I was talking to him on call and suddenly, I don’t know why, I just blurted out:

‘I hate you for loving me because it is making me weaker in front of you, at least you shouldn’t have told me’

Oh Crap! What have I said. I speak a lot.

‘I am sorry if this is hurting you. I never thought it could hurt you. I won’t ever even hurt you in my dreams,’ he said.

Oh no! His words. I think I am in love with him. But no! I can’t love him! I love someone else.

‘I have to go, I guess,’ I hanged up the call instantly.

What am I doing? What is happening? Ugh… I couldn’t help but frown.

From that moment on I don’t know why or how I stopped creating barriers between us and so the love, which was caged in my questions and fear, found freedom and grew.

After a couple of days, I was ready to accept that I was in love. Again.

So, a person can fall in love again. Wow. I couldn’t grasp the idea.

‘I love you’ I texted him suddenly while having a casual conversation.

‘He must have blushed,’ I thought.

From then on we started talking more frequently. He really loved me. Loved me in a way no one could ever love me.

The more we talked, the more I started wanting him. I also wanted to marry him but I was afraid of the fact that it was nearly impossible.

The love grew and grew, I allowed myself, despite of my fears, to remove all the barriers and love him like a flowing river.

That love taught me what I needed to be taught. He became the one who swept me off my feet.

That love guided me when I needed to be guided. He became the one who made me feel like a princess.

‘I have curves,’ once I said, when we were sitting on chairs placed in his back porch, holding hands.

‘Everybody has curves,’ he said, smiling.

‘No, the girls in the television don’t have,’ I said innocently making a face.

‘So?’ he asked.

‘So, you accept me with my curves?’ I asked.

‘Of course, I do,’ he said kissing me lightly on the cheek.

Wow, I guess I am blushing.

‘Look, I love you as a person and it doesn’t matter even if you bulge fat,’ he continued softly.

‘Wow,’ I said. I was happy to hear that.

He chuckled.

Oh! He is beautiful.

‘And you know, you are beautiful,’ he said as if I had said what I had thought.

‘I don’t think so,’

‘You don’t know who’s frowning for you, girl,’ he kissed my hand.

Oh! Wow! I am blushing.

We shared a beautiful love. He understood me beautifully and listened to whatever I said, no matter what.

We shared everything with each other even if it were the smallest. It gave me and him peace and talking to each other left us at ease.

Once I was talking to him when I realized I haven’t met him lately.

‘Oh! I met him two months before.’

I made a mental note to ask him if he had time to meet.

‘I want to you ask you something,’ his message buzzed on my cell phone.

‘Yes, ask?’ I replied him instantly.

‘What if one day, you suddenly stop receiving my messages? What will you think?’

Is he mad? What is it he talking about? Death, maybe. But why? Weird.

‘I’ll wait for your text because you are not going to die, if you are talking about death. I have some prayers for you and until those prayers are not answered you are not going anywhere. I do pray and I do believe because there is never a ‘No’ from God’ I replied him back.

‘I want to tell you something’ my phone buzzed me with another seriously irritating message.

Oops! I guess we are having a serious conversation. Where is all this getting?

‘Yes, tell me,’ I texted him this time waiting for a surprise. I could sense something bad.

Well, I wasn’t hoping for that much big surprise, not that much something bad. Seeing his next message brought shivers down my spine.

Is there any fault in my eyes? Am I seeing right?

I could have never believed that but I had to, there was something in that message which told me he wasn’t joking.

And then I couldn’t breathe properly. It was like something was stopping my breaths. I tried to take deep breaths realizing that message was stopping my breaths.

That message was very short. Just three words: I have cancer.

Tears brimmed my eyes, making everything blur. And it suddenly felt like I was having a dream.

And then I wished desperately to be it a dream.

But I could hear the voice of my mom outside of my room talking to my brother, maybe. I could feel my hairs blowing with the air of fan. I could feel my tears passing down my cheeks and falling over my hand with which I was holding that cell phone.

I was brought down to earth by another beep on the cell phone.

That message blinked waiting to be read as a threat by my death angel.

‘That’s of a bone marrow.’

With that message, another followed:

‘You know my hairs are falling because of chemotherapies and I love my hairs.’

‘Awh, it doesn’t matter, I think you’ll look good even without your hairs.’ I replied him because I didn’t know what else to say. Besides I imagined him without hairs, in a fraction of second, and decided he really won’t look bad.

‘Are you going to leave me?’

‘Why will I leave you?’

‘Because whenever people hear that they start avoiding me and that is the same reason I was afraid to tell you. I don’t want to loose you.’

‘Should I call you mad? Of course I am not going to leave you. You’ll never loose me. Have you forgotten my promises? I promised you to be with you forever and grow old together?’ I tried to act normal as best as I could.

‘So, you aren’t leaving me?’

‘Of course no.’

‘I love you very very much.’

‘I love you too.’

‘You won’t like me when you’ll see me.’

‘Who told you so? Of course I’ll love you.’

‘I look funny’

‘Or maybe cool.’

Well he was, at that time, so conscious about his looks. He was beautiful, smart. More than that he had a heart which was beautiful and precious, worth than a million dollar. And I loved him no matter what.

The only thing I hated about him was that he had started talking about death a lot. I kept giving him hope and he was leaving all his hope, and that was what made my heart weaker. I asked to meet him and as expected he wasn’t ready to meet. He was extremely conscious about his looks. He thought I would hate him when I’ll see him. Finally, I persuaded him.

When I saw him I became sad not because he looked bad, he looked beautiful, but because he was getting much weaker.

‘Hey’ he smiled standing in his doorway.

I ran into him to give him a big tight hug. I realized I missed his touch as he gently wrapped his lean hands around me, cradling me like a small baby.

The thought that he is suffering wanted to make me cry but I hurriedly put all the bad thoughts aside. I didn’t want to cry in front of him or it will hurt him to see me like that and of course nothing is going to happen to him, he’ll be alright.

I really do love him.

‘I don’t want you to fall in love with me madly,’ he whispered.

Ugh! How can he read my thoughts? Well, isn’t that the best part about him?

‘Why?’ I asked.

‘Because it will be hard for you to take it, my death,’

‘You aren’t going to die. I want you to live. I know you’ll have great grand children,’ I said getting a little angry.

‘You know you are my bestest friend,’ he leaned in to kiss me on my cheek, changing the topic.

‘I know,’ I winked.

He smiled.

‘Let’s go outside, I am starving for an ice-cream with you,’

The sun was setting. In a meantime the sky would turn from light to dark blue, revealing gold from sun.

Sitting in the nearest ice-cream parlour he asked: ‘Can I buy you balloons?’

‘Wow, I would love it,’ I said smiling hugely.

He took my hand and in a fraction of second we were out of the ice-cream parlour and right in front were standing a man selling balloons.

How he got to know I like balloons? I never told him. Wow.

Red, yellow, blue, green, pink. He bought me so many beautiful balloons.

He is an angel.

I was really very happy because that moment contained thousand of beautiful feelings.

‘I love you,’ I whispered.

‘I love you too,’ he whispered back.

We started walking towards his home. That was a silent walk home. I was happy to have him beside me.

On the way home I saw a kid in rags with his mother. I stopped to hand him all of the balloons. He was happy to have them. That smile which he gave after I patted on his shoulder was one of the biggest gifts I received that day.

As usual, on return to his home, we sat in his back porch. That was a silent and easy place. The night had wore on with couple of stars and a crescent shining brightly.

I had told my parents not to worry and that I’ll be late.

I have always loved nights because I love to dream of the moon kissing me, and to feel all the power of stars in me.

‘I want to dance,’ I said suddenly, wanting to dance.

‘What? But I don’t know how to dance,’ he sounded surprised.

‘Neither do I, but we can try,’ I said standing up and offering him my hand.

Out of weirdness he placed his hand in mine. And we danced, danced to the rhythm of our heart beat.

‘You know we share a special bond, a bond no one can understand,’ he said.

‘Yes, I know. And I don’t even want anyone to understand that bond,’

‘I love you,’ I whispered as he circled his arms around me, clasping me nearer.

‘As I love you,’ he said smiling as if twirling in his sweet dreams.

I stayed there in his arms, my head on his chest, listening to his soft easy heartbeat, never wanting the moment to end.

‘You know I can stay here forever like this,’ I said playing with his t-shirt.

‘As I can stay forever like this,’ he answered.

I lifted my head up to see his face, to look him in his eyes. He was doing the same. My heart skipped a beat.

Will he kiss?

Staring in my dark brown eyes with his deep brown eyes, in which I could see the love for me, he slowly leaned in as if he was scared to do that.

Closing my eyes I gave him allowance.

It was like a cool wind caressing my lips. His lips were gentle against mine and tender. Very tender.

As he began to part his lips I, hurriedly not wanting to come to an end, kissed him back revealing all my feelings.

It was over as soon as it was started. He looked at me sheepishly.

Did I do something funny? I don’t know how to kiss. Ugh! I feel embarrassed.

‘You are in love, it happens,’ he smiled.

Hell! Wasn’t I thinking the same? How can he do that?

His arms freed me and I felt little at ease. He feverishly kissed my head, taking my hand.

That’s better!

He took me back to where chairs were placed and I took a seat beside him.

He is irresistible even with his shaved head. Wow.

‘Hummph,’

‘What?’ I asked when he made a want-to-say-something sound.

‘You know how it felt like?’

Is he talking about kiss? Oops!

‘How?’

‘Umm… like the butterflies found freedom at the touch of your lips,’

‘Wow,’ I said not expecting this answer.

‘Will you love me forever?’ he asked.

‘Yes, I will,’

‘Even after my death?’

‘I’ll love you till my last breath and you are not going to die.’ I said emphasizing over every single word.

‘The way you care for me and love me make me want to live more,’ he whispered.

‘You are going to live,’ I said caressing his arm.

That night was beautiful. I stayed with him as long as I could, talking, eating, laughing, playing and kissing every now and then and almost forgetting his illness.

After that I started to meet him more often. I tried to spend as much time as possible with him so he could be happy. We did all the funny things like we drew each other’s faces, played ludo, made songs and tried to sing them and all. It was fun with him.

As the days passed, he became more weak. And sometimes he was even too weak to talk to me. I cried knowing he is suffering a lot but I never told him. He already was in pain.

Painful chemotherapies went on which made his hopes and him weaker.

‘I am very lucky to have you,’ once he said, lying on his bed while I was reading him a book.

‘So am I,’ I kissed his forehead.

‘I love you very much,’

‘I love you too,’

We spent much time together trying to be happy. We talked about good things. And more than anything else, at that time of my life, I wanted him to live.

Finally the date of surgery was confirmed. I became more scared but I never let him know.

I was waiting for this date and now it brought creeps down my spine when I thought that he’ll be going to undergo such pain. And it was the thing which would tell me if my prayers were going to be answered or not.

‘Are you scared?’ he asked me in the morning of the day he was going to go through that horrible surgery.

‘Yes I am,’ I whispered.

‘I am too,’ he said tightening the grip on my hand.

‘You are going to be okay,’ I said.

‘You sure?’

‘I am,’ I said even though I wasn’t that sure but I had a feeling that everything was going to be fine.

‘Then why are you scared?’

‘Because it sounds painful,’

‘Hmm, Even though I’ve told you this before but I want to tell you again that I love you very much and I am very lucky to have you and you are the best gift I have ever received from God and if I could I can spent all my life hugging you,’ he whispered, every single word clearly, with his eyes dimly closed and his hands cupping mine.

I kissed his forehead again, pursing my tears back.

Evening arrived. At 5:00 pm he was in Operation Theater. I was in waiting room, praying. His mother too was there with me. She was praying too. Her tears escaped her eyes every now and then and she hurriedly wiped them off from the back of her sleeve.

Minutes seemed to be hours. And hours seemed to be days. Finally I saw a doctor moving towards us.

‘Congratulations,’ doctor smiled.

It was like someone was saying those words from far far away.

‘You can see him now but he is still unconscious,’ the doctor continued.

…

*

Diary,

I know I’ve filled you a lot. I’ve never written so much to you before. I just wanted to write about us.

Right now he is lying in his hospital bed with his beautiful eyes, closed. He’ll be waking up anytime now. And I am waiting desperately for him to open his eyes.

He looks alright yet week. He’ll take some time to be better again.

I am sitting beside his bed on a small sofa and his mother is here too. She too is waiting for her son to open his eyes.

I hadn’t had anything to do and I couldn’t get him off from my mind so I just thought to write a small story about us.

I have stopped talking to the guy I was previously in relation with. I don’t think I love him now. Yes, I loved him but I’ve heard when you fall in love for the second time it means you are not in love with the first one because if you were, you never have fallen in love for the second time.

‘Love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen of times in our life, we always face a brand new situation.’

I once read this quote. I liked it but I was unable to understand. I guess I do now. Because I never loved anyone else like I love him and I know now, nor will I love anyone else like this again.

I love him and I will always love him.

I love him for no reasons and I love him for all the reasons.

We never really had a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. And it doesn’t matter if he marries someone else or I marry some other man, we’ll always be together. The sweet-unknown bond, which is between us, will always be there. He’ll always have a piece of my heart.

The love we share is pure and beautiful. He proved to be an angel sent to me by God. And I know he’ll be there beside me in all my hardships.

He is my Soul Mate. My Sarang.

Well now, my fingers are numb of writing and writing. And my hair are scattered. And he’ll be opening his eyes any minute now. He is moving with time intervals. I guess I need to set up myself before he open his eyes.

We will have a celebration too when he’ll be awake. And I am very happy for much of the worst part is over.

I’ve to go.

Yours.

Impressum

Texte: Aruha Arif.
Bildmaterialien: Saleha Shahab.
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.12.2013

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
To all the ones I love and to those who love me.