Thunder

Thunder, it explains my live in one word. Grumbles once and has an effect that could go for days. When I was six my dad was hit by a train. We don't know why he was there, but what we do know is that he was not alone, there was found four other guys with him. It's hard for a six year old to look after himself with no one around. My mum died when a truck hit her. I was four. I had no one, no grandma nothing. I had foster parents but they weren't my real parents. They looked after me and feed me, but I could never call them ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ I would always call them, Mary and John. I never said my last name. It felt as if I didn't belong with the world. In all of the times that things have asked for last names, I would not fill it in. If I had a test then I would, but I would use John and Marys. I feel sorry for them, they have to look after a kid as troubled as me. I never said I would do drugs or kill myself but that doesn't stop me thinking it. As drugs go I don’t need to take them, doctors give them to me, and killing myself cancer has that covered.

Last year I had my eyes taken out for I had cancer in them. I’m completely blind. So I can't write, draw, play guitar, watch my favorite movies, play video games, eat food by myself, talk to hot girl and I can't dress myself without something ending badly. The upside is I will met my parents soon. I haven't forgotten their face yet. I can only remember there face in one memory. And I only sorter remember that. Its hard being blind and have your body riddled with cancer. I only go to school once maybe twice a week. I dont see the point. I can't do anything. I haven't used my wish, you know the wish they give to cancer kids. Everyone thats in my hospital room (friends Mary calls them) has used theirs. One kid asked that he would be to put  out of his misery. They said they can't kill him but they can pay for his treatment. He choice that they pay for his funeral. He hasnt died yet but he has tried.

Mary said that i’m Getting better. That i’m looking healthy, I’m not. I’m in the cold hands of death. I’m not knocking on deaths door. I'm not shaking deaths hands. I’m going up to deaths door, ringing the doorbell and running away. I can tell you death is out to get me. The first time I was told I have cancer I remember crying. Funny thing is, I was happy. I had finally met my killer. And I smiled. I know thats its slightly psycho but you have to understand I am facing suicidal depression. I haven't told Mary and John that I want to kill myself. I don’t want to, that would mean I have to get therapy and there annoying. There people that just want to hear about your life so they have something interesting in their life. There small people. I only Hang out with people that their priorities sorted. So i’m alone.

Mary: Kyle it’s me Mary, were here to take you home

I’m blind not deaf. I do know whose voice is whose. Mary has a soft mother like voice, you can’t miss it. John has a husky voice, one that would belong to a gang member or batman, and Johns name isn't Bruce Wayne, he's not rich and really isn't that skinny.

Mary: Here is your cloths do you want us to help or get the nurse to do it?

I don’t like it when people I know help me get dress. I then have to live with them judging me for something I don't know about.

Me: Nurse

I would try to hide the fact that I said that fast but as I said, I don't like people dressing me. At least with a nurse I never have to be around them all then time and if I do come back, sorry, when I come back I would normally have a different nurse.

The nurse came in and helped me to the bathroom. She undoes the back of the ass showing dress and helps me get it off of my arms.

Nurse:  Do you normally wear boxes under your gown?

oh god its a guy, I thought it was a girl for the way he held me. This just got awkward. I nodded my head. He lifted up my arms and put a shirt on.  Then he said he will give me the new boxes the right way and i can put them on. I’m not arguing, I then know that he wont see my junk. I quietly put on my boxes and tell him he can look. I have gotten better at this, the first time they had to dress me, I put my shirt on backwards and my boxes outside of my jeans. That was embarrassing. Another reason I want to escape this world. The nurse said that I was done and we could leave, I didn't let him I had to know what I was wearing.

Male nurse: A blink 182 tee shirt, Batman boxes, black jeans and bed head hair style and black sunglasses

Damn I don't have anything to kill myself over. Once I found out that they gave me a pink, sorry,  a hot pink shirt with green jeans. I got a doctor to tell them if I stand out like a freak kids will hurt me. It worked. But now I want to die and that was my ticket out of this hell. Walking out of the bathroom I hear a chair move. I knew that they were coming but that didn't stop me from flinching when a hand was put in mine.

The car trip was normal. It started off with John asking if I wanted food, then I would say that i’m fine and that would lead it to Mary saying that shes worried and thinks I need to eat. Then we would go quiet. This is what we are in now. They think i’m starving myself. I’m not, I just don't eat things I can’t see. Its a good rule to live by.

John: have you thought of a way to get dresses with out our help?

Me: yes, its called never change cloths

Mary: you have to change cloths

Me: No I don’t. I don’t do any exercise, so I don't sweat. I don’t eat sloppy food, food its clean. And showers are over rated

John: if that is your look on your life then what about when you're at the hospital and you have finished. You need to get changed out of the hospital gowns.

Me: I ask you, do I really need to go to the hospital?

Mary: yes

Me: really, for I was tort by you in fact Mary that we don’t really need anything we just want it.

There was silence in the car… again. The silence did not change the fact that I could not see where we were going, but I could hear. Its not the normal sounds we hear.

Me: where are we going?

They didn’t answer straight away, they whispered to each other then they talked.

John: we have a stop to make

Me: is that stop by any chance for me?

Mary: i’m sorry but you need help

Me: I told you that I don’t need help, I’m not that bad

John: we think that you need help, you don't let us help so we had to do this. This man is a very skilled therapist. He has helped people that have lost limbs live there normal live.

So its a person to help me with my sight. Maybe he will tell me that i’m a loss course and I should die. He then would be the seventh person to say that to me. The more they say it the more I get closer to doing it.

Mary: I think that you should get out of the car Kyle

I sighed and hoped out. Mary gave me the sight stick and held my hand. The place had stairs, not many but just enough to make it difficult for a blind man. When we finished coming down that stairs we walked into a hot room. Its not that cold outside so I don’t see why the air conditioner is up to frickin hundred degree heat. Mary did the whole sign in. Then she was told that I need to wait in a room full of other kids and that it should be over by three this afternoon. This is bad on many levels, first, that would mean I have to socialise and second, I then have to make friends. I was lead to the room and left. I could hear other voices, but not ones that were talking about me.

Random girl: H-hi

Me: um hi?

Random girl: I-I w-w-was wondering if you-u would l-l-like t-to sit?

Me: sure

The random girl had a lovely voice, one I will not forget. She also had nice hands, they were soft and warm. i just wanted to hold them, just so I could warm up my freezing hands. She helped me take a seat then she left. I can guarantee that no one knows how lonely I am really. I can’t see people, so they can’t see me. I could hear the faint sound of a chair being placed next to mine.

Random girl: w-w-why a-re you her-e?

Me: I'm the walking example of death

Random girl: w-why?

Me: if I didn't have someone helping me with everything I would be dead.

It's not a lie, if I didn't have John or Mary there to help me cross the street - or to show me were a bathroom is- I would be dead. Not that I don't wish for death to grab the shotgun and pull the trigger already, I just wish that when I die it doesn't  mentally scar people.

The room went quiet and a mans voice was heard throughout the room.

Strange man: welcome newcomers and old comers.

I have a feeling that he was aiming that at me.

Strange man: today we will be in groups. This way we can learn that asking for help isn't that bad. So if people would like to grab a partner and walk to a spot in the room.

It's funny how this one man has managed to make me feel so out of place that my normal awkward self seems… will normal. First he single handedly asked us to pair up, something I can't do for I a) don't know anyone and b) I can't make eye contacted.

Random girl: D-d-do y-y-ou wa-nt to p-pair up?

I nodded my head feeling some relief that the strange random girl had come to my rescue.

In life people walk around with there head high and too stubborn to ask for help. I am as guilty as they get. Before the surgery I would always cook my own food, clean my own cloths, clean my room, never complained about not getting the homework and never asked for help on anything. Now I'm stuck having to do everything with help. The random girl is nice, quiet, but nice. She helped me get to our spot in the room, then she stood by me so if I need help I could alway ask.

Me: this might sound like I don't pay attented, but, what are we meant to do?

Strange man: right sorry forgot you're new here. My name is Charlie, your is?

I didn't realise that the strange man was next to me, if I did I would have not asked that. Now I'm the kid who doesn't listen.

Me: Kyle

Charlie: Kyle, today's lesson is on asking for help. Humans are proud creatures and don't ask for help, but if we can ask for help and brake the human tradition we can become something greater. We can become a superhuman.

His odd. Why would you want to brake was is not a problem.

Charlie: I will be leaving you in my trusty apprentice.

And with that he was gone. Hopefully never coming back.

Me: will trusty apprentice, what the first task?

Random girl: A-ash

Me: what?

Random girl: T-that is m-my nam-e

Me: oh I thought it was some torture device.

Ash: n-no

Me: you don't have to be nervous around me. I'm just as scared as you are.

What is wrong with me. First I make a joke out of this class that she works for, then I call her a spider. The last time I checked this is not how to make friends.

Ash: I h-have a d-d-deses c-called c-c-chronic l-aryngitis

Me: really that makes two. Will I have cancer not chronic laryngitis, but we are both deceased.

Ash went quite which put me on edgy. Did I say something bad, cause if I did I wouldn't be surprised.

Ash: s-sorry, f-forgot, you c-can't s-see. I'm s-smiling.

Me: good, here I thought I had said something wrong.

Before Ash could say anything Charlie said something about working as a team for the rest of the term. I think I could really work well with ash.

Ash: y-y-your —

I am... lost

 

Ash: y-y-you're funny

Me: well my dear ash, I don't have much in life to look forward to, so I have to keep myself entertained somehow.

It's not a lie. Most times when I feel really alone I would talk to myself, or listen to comenidens. I felt as if they could help bring light into my dark world. It doesn't work, you always feel alone. It's amazing someone who has been blind for a couple of months can be as useless as me.

It started to get close to leaving. We have been in this room for what feels like days. Charlie- the guy who runs the show- has had me doing weird things like talking and sitting. There so wired I have to practice it. I'm not joking Ash has me talking, then she would get me a chair and tell me to find the seat and sit. Charlie came over and was all like " Oh good he's a quick learner. Ash I think we should have him practice this hopefully next week than we can move on" he just talked as if I wasn't in the room. It's really bad too cause I can't tell him off. If I try to I have ask if he's still around and by then it's really awkward.

Ash’s smooth hand held mine as we walked back out if the room. Ash also told me why it's so hot in here. There's this kid, forgot their name,  they have this weird diseases that makes them really cold so everything around them has to be hot. They could put on a jumper or two. That would make semi normal people not suffer. Ash said that there a really cool kid. I think there spoiled personally. I heard the sound of Mary's voice throughout the room. She was asking about the session and if I should continue. Charlie said I was a quick learner and should stay a little bit longer so he can 'mold' me into a fine young man. I just chucked at that thought. If he makes me useful I will ask Ash here on a date. In the mean time I think I'll keep her as a friend.

Me: Before I am shoved into a mysterious contraption and taken to a place I do know or see I would like your number.

Ash let go of my hand and left me. It was quiet. Then I felt a hand slowly make it's way into my back pocket.

Me: Slow down you haven't asked me on a date yet

I said making Ash chuckle. Ash pulled out my phone and typed away. I am so lucky I don't have a pin. That would end horribly. I then felt a small metal object placed into my hand. I held it and smiled.

Me: Ash what did you put yourself down as?

Ash: A-A-Ash c-cute a-ass

Me: that's not going to be weird when it comes to texting.

I held down the home button till I could hear the ding.

Me: Siri, text Ash cute ass

Siri: okay, what would you like to say to Ash cute ass?

Me: I hope you're blushing

Siri: would you like me to send 'I hope you're blushing' to Ash cute ass?

Me: yes

I could hear Mary chuckle, then the sound of a text going off. It's not my phone so it must be Ash. She must be so red. I bet everyone is looking at us, I'm so glad I can't see there judgey eyes.

The car ride home was quiet. Well it was till we got on the topic of food. It was Mary who started it. She asked if we want waffles. None of our car conversations start change, its been this way since the first doctors appointment. As we got home I said I'll be in my room listening my life going down the drain. Then Mary said that she doesn't think that I am which would lead to John saying I listen to shit music not my life going down a drain. So any teenager would reply back with ‘you don't understand’ and walk off. When I walk off I tend to run into things. That's what makes life suck,  for me anyway. I don't get the great burden to tell John and Mary the bruise I get come from builes. I get the joy of telling them I get the bruises from the walls and doors. I'm so manly. John and Mary don't understand why I'm single. It can't have anything to do with the fact that I'm useless and run into everything. I don't even really have a friend. Ash is the first person I have talked to that wasn't a doctor, nurse or foster parent. She really nice, I wonder if all people are like that? I wonder if my intake of people has been wrong? If it has I might have to talk to more people. That would be a nice change from being in internal darkness. I’m joking, talking to people would be much work.

         * * *

I didn't feel like eating dinner tonight. I felt like I could lie in bed all day and let my life wash away. As soon as I thought of death Ash came into mind and I started to image what she would look like. If she had blonde hair and brown eyes, or if she black hair and blue eyes. It was hard, I didn't know that I forgot what blonde hair looks like, or how eyes look regardless of colour. So that made me think does Mary still have her short red hair and does John still have the baby elephant in his stomach or has he lost it. Its scary. I know these people and yet I can't compartment them on a new hair style or how that piece of clothing looks good on them. I think I miss the little things in life the most. I miss the way I could criticise my body in the mirror everyday. I miss watching couples making out at school. I miss seeing your hands when you write. I miss not being able to sleep at night and being up to see the sun rise. I wonder if I close my eyes hard enough will I be able remember it or will I be forever drowning in darkness. I sighed and took my sunglasses off. I have to wear these everywhere, otherwise people will see a boy with no eyes in his head. I’ll do anything to feel normal.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 03.12.2014

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