Instructions
This eBook is a guide and serves as a first guide. In addition, please get expert advice. Also, this eBook is a result of original thoughts of the author since she has in-depth and demonstrable knowledge on this matter as she has been studying psychology.
Why To Understand Love
In the modern era where showcasing a relationship is in trend, where people feel that they don't fit in well in society if they do not possess a so-called girlfriend or boyfriend because...why not! It is a world where casual relationships are so common and true love is so rare. Why rare? Reason being simple - people actually don't know what love is. The youth especially is so distant from understanding love. Nevertheless, people are so furious, burning on the fire of revenge if they get cheated by a person with whom they entered in a relationship. Why exactly cheat on somebody; in the so-called common term 'break-up' is so in trend? Is it a need? Some people say that it becomes important to end a relationship when they need space or when they are experiencing discomfort with that person. But dude, tell me one thing, how the hell on Earth you can say that you "loved" that person if you couldn't (in fact, didn't want to) handle his/her personality or behaviour?
Not denying the fact that if someone is cheating on you, you should get away but the harsh reality is even if they cheated, you'll never be able to get him/her out of your head if you genuinely loved. But if someone is like, "Nah it is okay, I've to stay positive! It'll get back to normal in a couple of days" and moves on, then that means they rendered and intended or were mentally prepared for just a casual dating. The thing is, casual dating and fluctuating BFs and GFs is definitely not precious or something to have proud upon. Like I personally know hundreds of people who want a date just because their friends have one Or because it hurts their ego if someone who's inferior in his perspective is able to manage a date. So for sure, it's not love that they are searching for; it's just a random person who should suit their personality to show off that they want. What is to be understood is that it's not a trend that we've to follow but it's to have a sensation of the most beautiful things that can happen to a human heart in his lifetime.
In India, it's not an easy job to live your love life absolutely barrier free. Some or the other person around you or sometimes even all of them try to obstruct you in this journey. Often here in India, to love is a crime - not legally but socially. The consequences of loving are much brutal to you especially if you are a teenager. It is believed that to love someone of the opposite gender who does not belong to your family is Hundred per cent WRONG for a reason that nobody knows. Many people say that it depicts your irresponsible behaviour towards your career, while some say that it just spoils a person as you get distracted and might do some wrong things like early love making; yes you read it right people associate such a beautiful feeling of love with sex and objectionable things. While all the "lover's community" was struggling through this, a new concept of homosexual love came into existence which is even more offensive to the people around you. People are just raised like that - loving someone before marriage is wrong.
But, very few families these days don't have moral issues if their kids have a healthy relationship and follow the correct path. On the contrary, many of such kids just know that they have this permission to love someone freely, they don't realise what truly it is and then end up with fights and break ups and then find another partner. How is this called love? Some people date more than just one person during the same course of time. How can someone say this is love?
So first of all, it is really important to understand what is the difference between love and attraction and that there is a fine line between true love and infatuation. Our stories would soon begin in the coming chapters once we're done with the knowledge of love where in you will be able to apply what you gained.
What is an infatuation? According to the Dictionary, it is defined as,
"very strong feelings of attraction for someone or something, especially when these are unreasonable which a person perceives to be absolutely true and may or usually may not last long"
A person may get attracted to anything or anyone that pleases his senses in life but attractions don't usually last for long you might have experienced this in daily life as well. For example, if someone paints really awesome you might cry like, "Oh my goodness, this is so beautiful, I love it!” But, that's not love of the painting... It's just that the beauty of the painting pleased your sight and so you were attracted. But can you just pay a hundred billion dollars to buy that painting if the artist asks even if it costs you your everything? If your answer is no, then it simply means that you don't "love" the painting and you are not going to buy it unless you are too rich to afford it for your self-esteem. If you really loved it, you would cross all limits to make it yours, you will not care if you will lose everything for it, because that's what one does when he loves somebody or something.
Okay so, this was a non-living example. Not pleasing, huh? Let's look into another one.
Imagine you are a student and you are sitting in the library and reading. Suddenly, a person enters the library with a pleasant fragrance. You looked up and found that person as a cute-looking personality. After a few days, you realise or feel that you like the way that person walks or speaks and you tell your friend that, you kind of have a crush on that person. Your peer group somehow was able to introduce you two but as you started spending time together, you felt side-lined by that person, his/her words annoy you and hurt your feelings and it irritates you how that person just uses you for time pass or simply friend-zoned you. Then you would obviously tend to pull away and probably it would not take a long time to move on. So, was that love? Love can't be changed. Hence, clear no. But guess what, people do think that they used to love him/her in such cases.
So I believe, it is really important to understand what actually love is.
Love at First Sight?
Is it even possible? How can anybody love someone without knowing their character, their traits, their flaws, their qualities, their likes and dislikes or simply their views towards the society, basically the thought process they have? How can somebody trust upon anyone just by looking for the first time at that person? Perceptions may vary - no offense - but there's no such thing like love at first sight. It's just attraction at first sight. It's the beautiful cover that that you want and not the beautiful heart. Most of the break-ups that happen are from such cases only if you ever notice. Many movies depicts such fantasies which influences the youth where this concept goes like wonderfully well for the couples, but hey ; wake up! That's a movie... In real life scenarios it leads to the end of a relationship so early. But there are many cases of relationships that may come across in your life wherein people tell you that their love story was a "love at first sight" type and they're living a happy married life. But - the truth is; it was a beautiful coincidence. The person with which someone might have laid eyes upon, turned out to be a good personality as they got to know each other further but that obviously happens gradually.
But surely you've heard the phrase, "Betrayal always comes from beautiful faces." This is not just a coincidence that this came into existence. Many people have experienced it because they trusted their eyes over their heart. It's a whole luck by chance if you start loving a person you were first attracted to; since you later found that they are your type. But, what if it would not have been like that? These things may sound very philosophical right now, so let's look into a real example which I have seen happening with people in my life.
It was a time when I used to study in class 7 in 2015. There was a girl named Olivia in our class who was a friend of mine. One day she approached to me and asked, “Hey, do you know who Peter's dream girl is?" I was like, "What, Peter's dream girl!” was shocked because I had known him for the past three years then and he was a good friend of mine, but I never knew unless Olivia told me that Nancy was his dream girl. I never directly asked him to confirm this but as years passed by and we reached in class 10, Peter and I became close friends. One day while I was there amidst my peer group and gossiping; I realized that almost everyone knew about Peter liking Nancy and everyone used to tease him by her name because he used to blush but he kind of enjoyed it instead of feeling shy or uncomfortable. One day when I was studying with Peter and our other good friend Mathew in the library, we took a break and we were chit-chatting like normal friends do and suddenly the topic of Nancy and Peter’s story came out. Initially, I used to appreciate how Peter had constant feelings for her but when that day he elaborated that his love is love at first sight that too from when we were in kindergarten, I felt disgusted. Since then, whenever Peter used to talk about Nancy, I used to move away.
This four-year old kid was attracted to her beauty. As we were growing up, I saw him healthily flirting with most of his casual friends but never saw that smile which he used to give to Nancy. He even tried being into some relationships but nothing worked. Even Nancy knew Peter's thing but she didn't give it a damn. So, even if it was love instead of attraction, then also his love was rejected, that's what I stated earlier that, you can't expect your relationship to work well on the basis of your "first sight" unless you know that person inside out. It's because since childhood, he was just trapped in an infatuation and I'm not sure if he is still able to get out of it. He still thinks he loves her. But is that called love? You may think upon it yourself, though I believe it is just an infatuation. Peter was never able to meet her the way he wanted to, but he wants her only and I don't really know why... Maybe he could have found someone better who could love him the same way if he accepts the fact that this situation is toxic and decides to move on. That's why I say that love at first sight does not always work and initially can never be the foundation of pure love though it may get converted into it over a period of time as you get to know that person well.
Another tale that I'll tell you is very toxic. There was a boy named Jack who was a good friend in my kindergarten days. We had a gap of just one day in our birthdays so we used to celebrate it together. Then there was a new admission in that class of ours. A girl named Nikki. I don't know if it was true or not but I noticed that Jack had an urge to befriend her on the very first day. But two days later, Nikki befriended me. Jack asked me to introduce him to her. Missy was another friend of mine whose attitude was a bit tomboy type. She said, “Jack you shall not make use of us for this. You're such a loafar! (Which in our Indian slang means overly interested in stalking and flirting with girls)"
But I said to Missy very softly in her ears, "Let's see if he ditches us as friends for her, (to him) yes I'll introduce you to her." Missy was still a bit reluctant.
Nikki was fine being his friend too. Days went by and Jack stopped talking to me and Missy. "You were right Arushi, he ditched us!" Missy said. "I've got to know him very well you see; he'll ditch Nikki too in some time." I replied. It happened as expected; he left Nikki.
For some years, as we grew up, I noticed that he was single as in his relationship status, but I heard a whole set of rumours about his new crushes every second week. In class 8, he tried proposing a really famous girl in our school; Sally, who was full of ego and self-obsession. Many students believed that she was the most beautiful girl in our batch. But Sally rejected him. He seemed to be way too sad but then in around five hours, at dispersal; he was back to normal.
So, will you call all of these as his crushes or as his love or attractions?
Well, they are crushes or merely attractions only.
The most happily married couples that I've seen, have never told me that it was their love at first sight but yes, once again, it might go good for you only and only if luckily, the person upon whom you laid your eyes, turns out to be a good person by heart too and that is very rare. I've observed that many people who look pretty on the outside carry a sort of attitude maybe because they know they're good-looking and deserve some attention but at the same time some of them want to pretend that they are down to Earth. What I have observed is that: often such people are not good-natured. On the other hand, I personally know a girl who was with me in class 6 and 7. Her name is Peggy. She's pretty with a kind heart. I still have touch with her and she's a very sweet personality.
On a second thought, you might think that digging so much into the qualities of someone and then loving them is too ironical and judgemental; loving someone should be beyond boundaries, right? Let's make it clear, yes the second statement is correct but the first one is misunderstood. I am not telling you to be judgemental but am just highlighting the fact that, before you convince your mind that you love a particular person, just at least have an idea if you're falling for the right person or not. At the end, beauty is not what you need. It's the love that's required.
What Science tells about Love?
Here comes the hormonal play. Love is a biological need of the human beings.
The conventional view in biology is that there are three major drives in love – libido, attachment, and partner preference. The primary neurochemicals (neurotransmitters, sex hormones, and neuropeptides) that govern these drives are testosterone, oestrogen, dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin.
Too complicated? Actually, the thing is, don't get me in the wrong sense, two people of the opposite gender need to marry and have kids... That's how the world runs, right? Unlike other animals, humans evolved with a greater and significant amount of sense to judge what is wrong and what is right and how things like this are related to moral values. People these days say that they're "open minded" and go for sex before marriage which is not exactly wrong if one is an adult and both partners have consent but people do it before they have fully gained trust over their relationship. Having multiple body counts is not something that is worth praising. The hurried-ness for physical involvement is so devastating that you can't even imagine. In other words, it is neither good nor right for you if you go for sex with a stranger (yes people do) or with a person that you don't know since quite a time, or simply with the person that you don’t trust. They may cheat you or break up with you later in future on any reason or may misuse some little piece of information against you if they were never really into you; so that would mean that you allowed access to your body to someone just for his or her pleasure even though the two of you never had a healthy relationship.
So in that case, even if you move on and you find a true love, would you be able to get intimate with that person the same way you did before with someone else? This is the concept that I personally hate the most i.e. having had sex with several people before having done with the one who actually loves you and deserves you. Why do you think your true lover should be totally into you and trust you when you have already shared your intimacy with others who were actually not yours? So basically, trust is the thing which is required the most before getting sexually involved with anyone. Once you have enough faith that you genuinely love someone and that you are loved back the same way and when you're an adult (mature both physically and mentally) and you are sure to be forever dedicated to your relationship then sex can become a normal part of your life because yes, the hormones like oxytocin released during sexual drives do strengthen bonds. This is how all of it is connected to moral values.
What I mean is, the hormones present in the human body are there for some specific reasons. They help to ease the situation through pleasure when the couple is having copulation. This is the biological phenomenon which is needed to reproduce and there is nothing wrong in talking about it. So two opposite genders actually have to get involved in this process, so naturally, as people attain teenage, when the body is going through so many changes towards maturity, attraction towards the opposite gender becomes normal and the hormones play the role in this. But the fact is, these are mere crushes and nothing else. This cannot be called love. Love can only be built up through emotions. The hormones are only there to support. If a person whom you just have started to being friends with, asks you for sex, or comments upon you sexually, notices every detail of you, then that does not mean that he or she is in love with you. They are just attracted to your cover and that too for pleasure. Even if they behave nicely with you, it is just because they want a yes from you. And wait, not just only you; the person looks at every one of his or her opposite gender in the same way and treats them the same way ( if not in front of you) in order to get the permission from at least any one of them.
So the biological factors are not the correct foundation for your love story.
Always remember that there is not love making that leads to love, it's love that leads to love making.
The hormones are finally not messengers with intelligence or wisdom; they just do their role. They can't tell you who you should be in love with because they respond in the same way to every intimacy if carried out without mental pressure. So, I believe that if you have a trust of more than six or seven years on someone's nature and you know his or her intentions inside out then only these biological factors are of some help to you. But at last, you have found the reason why this happens biologically. I think there's no need of pointing out cases about why one should not go with multiple partners for sex. There are already many case studies appearing in the newspapers and internet about sexual abuse/harassment or simply ditching after sex. This much content is enough to convince a wise person about what I want to deliver.
| According to a study conducted for years on human love by Dr.Helen Fisher, who is a research professor of Anthropology, there are four types of lovers. Explorer, builder, director and negotiator. The explorer type is dominant in dopamine, the builder type is dominant in serotonin, the directors are dominant in testosterone and the negotiators are dominant in oestrogen. Based on their chemical make-ups these people are different types of lovers. The first one being the explorers, these people are dominant in the hormone dopamine. They are keen in exploring things and finding meaning behind everything. They are curious about knowing people and the situations deeply. Such lovers are usually attracted to the same type of people. Such a couple is more likely to be inspective of one's traits and usually don't trust easily but once they are into a relationship that is committed, they ought to explore different sides of their partner. They are associated with words like, spontaneity, adventure and fun. They seek a playmate in their lover. They are impulsive and view life as an adventure and want someone to join them in it. The dopamine dominance also influences them to be motivated as they are closely linked to enthusiasm, energy and assertiveness. Due to their impulsiveness, if they don't remain patient, they might lead to messy breakups.
Builders are often related to words like family, honesty and loyalty. Because their chemical makeup is predominantly serotonin these people seek a helpful lover. Builders are relaxed, social, steady and family and community oriented. They are natural networkers and respect rules and authority in society. Builders are natural planners and like to schedule things ahead of time. They have an eye for detail and are linear in the way they do things in a step-by-step fashion. Builders are often attracted to other builders. These couples are often the high school sweetheart you hear about who are still married sixty years later. Well, that sounds idealistic, that doesn't mean builders don't have their fair share of obstacles to overcome in their relationship. Two builders may bicker over what they perceive as the right way of doing things. It is important for builders to keep an open mind and learn the value of flexibility if they want their relationships to grow and evolve.
Directors are often associated with words like nerd, ambition and challenge. Their chemical constitution has testosterone dominance; they tend to find a mind-mate in their lovers. As the name suggests they can be tough-minded or straightforward and decisive to be more precise. They value logic so while making decisions, they're not easily swayed by emotions. Directors tend to be daring, pragmatic, focused and competitive. They are also referred to be highly ambitious and they prefer to be independent. They can have good spatial skills. Directors rarely ever go for the other directors; instead they generally fall for their opposite mates which are the negotiators. A possible reason for this could be that directors lack the verbal and people-reading skills that negotiators master naturally that help attract them to one another. Directors have workaholic tendencies and may side-line to spend quality time with their partner or family. Since, testosterone is also responsible for the proper functioning of the male reproductive structures, mostly directors are males.
Negotiators are often associated with words like kindness, empathy and sensitivity. Because their chemical makeup is dominant in oestrogen, they search for soul mate in their lover. Negotiators are the 'philosophical love type' because high oestrogen influences web-thinking also overthinking sometimes. They have a vivid imagination. This also makes them habitual daydreamers. Negotiators are highly intuitive and rely on their gut feeling often because they’re natural feelers. Negotiators can be too serious when they dwell over casual comments and criticisms. They are the long-term secret grudge holders. Negotiators are prone to depression when they constantly feel lost. Since oestrogen is a hormone that also plays an importantly major role in the female reproductive cycles, mostly negotiators are females.
Although the matches mentioned above are more likely to attract each other, in reality any love type can do well as long as the two individuals are mature enough and ready to work on each other's differences.
According to "Sternberg's triangular theory of love”, there are three components of love: intimacy, passion and commitment. Intimacy is the feeling of connection, closeness and attachment. Passion is the fiery intenseness you experience when you like someone, encompassing the drive to both sexual and romantic attraction. The third (and the most important component according to me) is commitment which ties the two together as it includes short and long term decisions to remain together. He categorized love as eight types. First being Non-love, this type includes none of the three components previously described. These are not the people you are particularly ImpressumVerlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG Texte: Arushi Sharma Alle Rechte vorbehalten Widmung:
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