LOSS, LIMBO, LIFE and LOVE.
By Derek Haines
PUBLISHED BY:
Derek Haines on Createspace
Loss, Limbo, Life and Love
Copyright © 2010 by Derek Haines
Second Edition
Table Of Poems
FORWARD
FORETHOUGHT
Day One
LOSS
Nineteen Roses
The Beautiful Bird
Glimmer of Hope
It’s Over
Heart and Mind
Blackout
Betwixt and Between
The Death of a Dreamer
LIMBO
Fear
Without You….
Wait
Two AM
To Dream
The Sun And The Moon
The Intensity of Flux
The Clown
Searching
Restless
Oh Smurtleclop
Off
Just a Happy Normal Life
Hope
LIFE
A Time To Be Me
Hello Friend
Life On A Moonbeam
Angel Of The Storm
Banks!
A Moment
Epi
Cycles
The Journey
Show Me
Flying
South
Captured
Net Knotting
LOVE
The Dreamer And The Siren
The Fading of the Siren
Forevermore
The Broken Coin
Morning
Colours of You
A Stolen Night
Seed of Love
Freedom
Nymph of the Woods
Just One Word
Jenny
Je t’aime
Brown Eyes
AFTERTHOUGHT
One Year on
About the Author
FORWARD
Life is not always fair.
Although most of us enjoy our daily lives in relative routine and harmony, there are times when we are turned upside down and are presented with unpleasant realities.
Whether it be the loss of a job, a death in the family, a financial downturn or stock market crash, a business closure or separation and divorce. There are many episodes in our lives that we cannot control but must face as a new reality.
Of course we can present the world with a brave face and stiff upper lip, and appear hardened to the reality, but within we feel weak and although not wanting to admit it, we know the process will be long and hard.
As much as we all can present an outward image of being in control, our thoughts, dreams and nightmares are not at all under control during these periods of stress. Even the strongest personalities feel fragile and threatened.
Bouts of sadness, guilt, anger, and depression are normal reactions as are alcohol or drug abuse and emotions that feel like they are being controlled by a roller coaster.
However, in the end we recover. With a new set of realities and often new friends, we re-start our lives.
One such disaster struck my life very early in nineteen nighty-eight. I succumbed to all the normal symptoms of shock, anger, bitterness, grief, loss, dejection, desolation, fear, anxiety and woe. For twelve months or more, I was certainly not my normal self, and for want of a better word, I went a bit crazy.
During this time, I found that writing down my thoughts helped me in trying to understand what I was feeling or being confused about and while not offering any magic cure, it did at least give me something to occupy my mind and time.
In the early weeks, I found that putting these thoughts into rhyme took longer and therefore occupied me for a longer period of time each day. So began this journal.
Whenever I felt confused, annoyed, angry, sad, happy, stupid or miserable, I would take my note book and pencil and start exorcising my thoughts onto paper. And it helped.
While reflecting now, some ten years later, I would say that it took a little more than a year to fully recover to what I would call normality, I am sure it would have taken longer had I not kept this journal.
After recently reviewing all the notes and scraps of paper that combined to make my journal, I tried to reassemble them in chronological order. This was an impossible task, as many over lapped themselves and re-appeared at strange times. It was then that I started to categorise them by emotion. That was much easier, and as a bonus it ended up giving me the title for this book.
So it will be up to you if you wish to decide in what chronological order there verses were written and how the characters, locations and emotions intertwine.
For me, I am happy and normal again for yet another time in my life. Time to go forward. Until next time?
DH 2009
FORETHOUGHT
forethought |ˈfôrˌθôt|
noun
careful consideration of what will be necessary or may happen in the future : Jim had the forethought to book in advance.
Day One
The End……..
I do not keep a diary, so I will fashion by ode,
The events and the feelings of my difficult load.
This rhyming journal will remind me in years,
Of what I was feeling when I was so prone to tears.
This is a note book of loss, and of finding my way,
Back to a life, in a year and a day.
I will let it all out on day three sixty six,
For all eyes to see, What I felt, found and missed.
My journey to freedom, from hurting to bliss,
Is far from complete, I’m not healed with a kiss.
My torture and torment, and feelings of guilt,
Will abate as time passes and new foundations are built.
So read if you wish, I have no shame or remorse,
Of you seeing my soul, my heart and trod course.
But please don’t pass judgement on what you will read,
Just close the book gently when you’ve finished with me.
DH 1998
LOSS
loss |lôs; läs|
noun
the fact or process of losing something or someone : avoiding loss of time | funding cuts will lead to job losses | loss-making industries.
• the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value : I feel a terrible sense of loss.
• the detriment or disadvantage resulting from losing : his fall from power was no loss to the world.
• [in sing. ] a person or thing that is badly missed when lost : he will be a great loss to many people.
• Physics a reduction of power within or among circuits, measured as a ratio of power input to power output.
Nineteen Roses
Nineteen roses we planted with care,
To bloom in front of our dream.
We worked as a team, to plant red, yellow and cream,
And nurtured them through their first year.
Daily we checked on their health and their needs,
And sprayed and pruned and fed.
Watered and weeded, and cut blooms as we needed,
To fill our home with colour and scent.
To both of us then, such a short time ago,
They were our pride and our labour of joy.
We would look out each morning, at the river performing,
Its sparkling dance, behind our roses in row.
Do you remember that time? When we smiled.
Oh! I remember, it was such a short time ago.
It was when we cared for each other, every hour of the day,
Just like we cared for our roses.
I have cried all the day, since I heard you say,
That our nineteen roses have died.
All the care love and dreams we shared as a team,
Are now heading the way of our roses.
Our marriage, our roses have suffered the same fate,
And it is easy to see what has gone wrong.
We could both blame the frost, the sun and the drought,
For killing our roses and dreams.
As easy to say the people who preyed on our weaknesses,
Our isolation and care.
Are to blame for us both just forgetting at once,
That we needed to tend our marriage each day.
In the last short few months, in such a short time,
We have both destroyed our roses and dreams.
But through it all, I have known in my heart,
That we are both still in love with each other, and roses.
With the last gasp of breath of our marriage that’s left,
Could I ask you just once to believe,
That if we both wanted to try with a fierce desire,
We could endure overcome and survive.
We will be different of course, from months of remorse,
And much hurt and pain to be healed.
We have both lashed out in pain, and apportioned the blame,
at each other, when we have felt wronged.
But, could we be strong, and right all the wrong?
And survive to rebuild our dream.
To grow old together with a fierce new vigour,
And in time be stronger than ever.
I have suffered hurt and pain, anger and shame,
On my way to this one last gasp.
But, I now know for certain, no doubt, it is sure,
My heart has only room for one love.
And as hard as I might, have tried,
To believe, that the famous “smile” was “right”,
And to allow my wife to be wooed.
I was so very wrong, I played with fire and got burned.
And with it….I killed the roses.
DH 1998
The Beautiful Bird
Many years ago, I set my eyes on the most Beautiful Bird I had ever seen. She was dazzling in her beauty and song. I was entranced, and from that moment on, I was to devote my life to the wonder of this creature. She was wild, but was caged so tightly, and it was almost impossible to go near her, but over patient months and years, the Beautiful Bird began to trust my devotion.
It took so long, but time was of no importance, until the day she would trust my hand in her cage. Her fears, built over many years, were slowing ebbing into a dim memory. She began to trust my devotion.
And, from there, I made her larger cages, to allow her freedom to spread her wings, and prepare, hopefully, for the day she would fly freely, and show me the wonder of her natural beauty. And through these slow progressions, the trust remained, and my devotion strengthened. I was in awe of her beauty as I looked up every day, at my Beautiful Bird.
Daily I worked, at preparing my Beautiful Bird to be able to fly free. I made her cage so big, she could now make her own nest, she was preparing for her freedom. I wanted for my Beautiful Bird to enjoy the wonders of the world, and for the world to enjoy the beauty and wonder of her.
And, so, after many, many years of kindness and caring and patience, the day arrived.
My Beautiful Bird was flying free!!!!!
She was the most wonderful sight Mother Nature could have designed, and I watched in awe, as she soared, glided, swooped and turned…….and my heart sang as she returned to her nest.
Day by day, she flew further, and ventured to discover the wonder of the world, and I was so proud of my Beautiful Bird. I had found a frightened caged creature, and now, she had become what Mother Nature had intended her to be, the most beautiful enchanting creature on this earth!
But, on one fateful day, after years of care and devotion, my Beautiful Bird did not return to her nest. She had found a strangers nest, and I knew not where. I fretted all night for her. I sat by her nest, and waited, and waited, and waited, until later the next day……my Beautiful Bird returned home.
But she swooped, down from a tremendous height, caught my distraught and worried look, and then extended her talons, and tore out my eyes! I would never see my Beautiful Bird again. She soared up again, and this time swooped with her beak extended, and pierced my heart, and bled me of the devotion to her that had run through my veins. And yet she soared again, and readied to swoop, this time clawing out my heart, and breaking it in two with her claws. And, lying in a pool of blood, was the trust we had so lovingly shared.
And now, she has made new nests, and mine, lovingly made over years, lies vacant, and devoid of life.
My Beautiful Bird, is still the most beautiful creature on earth, but I cannot see her any more, and as I lie bleeding and heartbroken, all I have is the memories of my devotion, and the love I still keep. The world will now have and enjoy my Beautiful Bird, and she will entrance many with her beauty and graceful movement. The only person on earth who will not, will be me.
I shall now limp away, and leave my Beautiful Bird in her territory. She has taken possession of what was a beautiful garden, but to me is now a dry parched arid desert, devoid of any beauty.
And I wonder if she will live happily ever after?
DH 1998
Glimmer of Hope
The glimmer of hope faded so fast,
A chance to recapture dreams of the past.
Of days that were happy and blissfully warm,
The days that we spent in each others arms.
Hope of reunion to find once again,
The bond that had tied us, but I’ve only found pain.
The glimmer of hope, to turn back the time,
To the days of our marriage, but I can just pine.
For the trust and the care, that joined us as one,
The glimmer flew by, and my last hope was gone.
It’s the memories though, that linger so strong,
The dreams that we shared, and held them so long.
The wonderful memories surface so strong,
Masking the bad as if they are gone.
But some painful ones will take time to allay,
I will let them dissolve with each passing day.
And cherish the vision of you in our bliss,
When we wouldn’t have dreamed of a year like this.
A nightmare unfolded, as the New Year turned,
And left my life shattered, twisted and burned.
The pain and the scars of this insane year,
Has broken my heart, and filled me with fear.
A life without you, had never entered my head,
But, I face the reality with a heart fully bled.
I dream of a time when the pain has been shed,
When I can peacefully sleep, alone in my bed.
All pain and sorrow, passed into time,
Maybe then a new glimmer will venture to shine.
And offer a chance to right all the wrong,
To rebuild the dreams, the dreams we held strong.
I openly say, I regret what I’ve been,
And can’t hide the pain of what I have seen.
But deep in my heart there’s a burning desire,
To sweep out the pain, and rebuild the fire.
Of the passionate love, we shared through the years,
Another glimmer of hope, I wait to see through my tears.
I will patiently wait, for a glimmer to shine,
An inkling of hope, the faintest small sign.
For the day that your heart may send out a cue,
To search for the husband that is devoted to you.
It may come soon, you may never see,
But my love for you Jenny, for always will be.
DH 1998
It’s Over
Are these the ribbons of joy I wear?
Or bindings of sadness, or do I care?
As a chapter of life has finally ended,
But at last all anger has finally vented.
An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over.
The way of life is never so sane,
For as much as we want, we can never refrain,
From letting the recent blind our eyes,
To the wonderful memories of years we should prize.
An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over.
As she walked out the door, for the very last time,
I just sat and pondered, and thought it a crime,
We were faithfully united for many a long year,
But destroyed in a few months, should I now shed a tear.
An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over.
As hard as I try, my eyes are still dry,
But will it be now that she will cry?
We both have our own truths of who is to blame,
Maybe just simply, we both should wear shame.
An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, is it truly over?
DH 1998
Heart and Mind
Am I losing my mind? I am on the brink.
Have I lost the power of reason, the sense to think?
Do I have the concern for others, I should?
Oh why can’t I feel? I wish I could.
Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!
Have I lost control?, Or lost my way?
Whichever way, who will pay?
For the mistakes I have made.
But who do I owe, Who do I pay?
Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!
Should I just sever the past and start anew,
But where would I start, as a newborn forty two?
Born to life’s gutter, is that where I belong?
Probably so, the world is for the young.
Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!
I have left a trail, of disasters and wrecks,
Dealt the wrong cards, chose the wrong decks.
In search of a place I can call home,
Oh God am I sentenced forever to roam?
Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!
Travelling again as I so often do,
Waiting at airports, joining a queue.
Chicago today, L. A. last night,
Fasted of sleep, the travellers blight.
Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!
I wait for tomorrow, will I find love?
After letting my heart fly on the wings of a dove.
I will face the new day as usual, alone,
Oh life wont you allow me a place to call home.
Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!
DH 1998
Blackout
Why have I always built to destroy,
I seem to have done it since I was a boy.
Labours of love, I have passionately built,
Only to smash them, and wallow in guilt.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Why have I done this since I was a boy?
Work t’wards my goals, achieve them with ease,
Bask in the glory, til I need to please,
The destructor inside me, that tears me apart,
Controlling my mind, and breaking my heart.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Oh why do I only get moments of joy?
I have many times reached stages in life,
Where I’ve had wonderful years free from strife.
But while I bask in the peace stability brings,
The destroyer lies waiting, to undo the strings.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Stability in life, I will never enjoy.
I have loved many times, it’s easy to do,
And shared my life, with a special few,
Until it seems, my happiness feels sound,
The destroyer starts lurking, preparing the ground.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
He treats my life like a cheap little toy.
The destroyer is working on me again now,
But as hard as I fight, I just seem to bow,
To the relentless pressure, he grinds me to dust,
He seeks to destroy me, with evil black lust.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
How can I beat him, what can I employ?
I know my heart’s full of compassion and care,
And I love to be loved, and I’m willing to share,
All the joy that I feel when I’m free of this beast,
But it’s on my loved ones hearts that this animal feasts.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
I have just wanted love since I was a boy.
So strangers beware, as I enter your beat,
That you don’t offer to me, a comfortable seat.
For if I stay for a while and capture your trust,
Your hearts may be prey, for my destroyers black lust.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Watch out for me, the destroyers decoy.
DH 1998
Betwixt and Between
Betwixt and between, I seem to have been,
Since a fateful January day.
T’was the day my wife parted,
And I was left broken hearted,
I was shattered as was my life’s dream.
E’er since that day, and now it is May,
I have wandered around in a daze.
When I try to decide,
I get love mixed with pride,
And continue to live with dismay.
Now, in the middle of this, a new sense of bliss,
Arrived in my life just by fate.
A friend I had known,
Opened my heart on her own,
And a new love arrived with a kiss.
Betwixt and between, a choice of life’s dreams,
Was now a new choice to make.
But in my condition,
I could not make decisions,
I was just living in nightmares and dreams.
Just needing some time, for reason and rhyme,
To cement a clear path for my heart.
But how can this be,
When I’m still all at sea,
I will just wait, all I need is more time.
Myself I must find, and clear my mind,
And decide on the course of my life.
I must selfishly see,
What is right just for me,
Maybe then what I seek, I will find.
But this I do know, as my experience shows,
A heart can love just but one.
You must first heal the pain,
Before you venture again,
To find true love that will prosper and grow.
DH 1998
The Death of a Dreamer
A shroud of black was falling,
On the Dreamer in his dawning,
That the dream he held for so long was now gone.
His dream held for a year,
Was it reality or fear?
That had ground away the magic and the song.
His Siren lost in pain,
She had no way to explain,
Why her Dreamer disappeared in a breath.
She had hoped for dreams anew,
But all she found was an “Adieu”,
From her Dreamer who had died a Dreamer’s death.
She may never understand,
What a life he had planned,
For a Dreamers life is never planned so well.
Maybe the dream had lost its way,
He may have woken, who can say,
But the pain and loss on both will surely tell.
The Dreamer and the Siren,
Just simple man and woman,
Had spent a year in wishes and in space.
Was it ever meant to be?
This love across the sea,
Was there ever meant to be a resting place?
Their realities had cut deeply,
Into what had started sweetly,
And had left them both with bitter wounds.
They had shared each other’s pain,
And all that pain for little gain,
As they had shared only minutes in the real world.
The Siren’s lonely sobbing,
Rings in the Dreamer’s heart that’s throbbing,
Of the pain, that he has dealt to her.
But his dream has died forever,
And he knows that he will never,
Feel again the softness of her hair.
Reality comes calling,
On the Dreamer in the morning,
As he faces up to life without a dream.
His dreams have died and gone,
And also his words and songs,
He has lost his inspiration and his dream.
These are the last few words,
Of the Dreamer poet’s odes,
His pen will now retire for the final time.
There is now nought to write about,
All to be said is now out,
And this is now the final rhyme.
DH 1998
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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 09.11.2010
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