Part 1,

I’ve always felt alone especially after being an only child without any siblings or parents. I can be around people and still feel like a ghost that no one sees, when i speak no one hears me. I’m the void that just consume space without any actual purpose and whenever i try to connect with anyone i feel like a burden that people can’t wait to get rid off. Maybe i was born to be alone and continue existing until i eventually perish into nothing and the world forget about me and any trace of my existence.

But that’s the thing is i don’t mind that at all as a matter of fact i prefer it that way. I’m the only proof that my mom existed if i weren’t born then no one would’ve known there was a person like her ever lived. Unfortunately, not even me know who she was other than she gave birth to me. Perhaps, she went to a better place like people keep saying, perhaps she just stopped existing like the way a plant falls down and disappear into the ground.

So, here comes the question why do we try so hard to stay alive i mean i don’t see the point. I know everyone keeps saying life is precious and short, but is it though? Because my existence caused my mom's death and after that I’ve had to survive through weirdest of circumstances and i don’t think i have any strength left in me to keep going.

So, i call bullshit on the say that life is precious because for me it has been a painful journey that i just want to end and be done with and if there is anything after i bet it will be better than this. I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone but let’s not pretend that we all enjoy life and that it’s this gift that we have to cherish. I never asked to be here in the first place but everyone treats me like i forced my way into their lives. I’m so done with it all and i hope one day you all read this and eventually change the way you treat people. I’m tired of living on the side-lines i just want to be gone, I’m so over this.

Maybe if I’m gone things will be better for everyone because i don’t know what else to do, if i do my best it’s not good enough and if i do nothing I’m ungrateful. I’m tired of feeling everything is my fault, maybe it is because I’m careless and stupid and without any usefulness and untalented. I’ve been a charity case ever since i was born, i don’t want to be a charity anymore. No matter what i do I’ll always be that charity boy, so i think it’s time i take my leave and i can no longer be a charity to anyone.

Everyone keeps saying things will get better but i don’t see how, i feel like a wild animal caught in a corner and I’ve been clawing my way out for as long I’ve existed without any success. Now I’m just tired i wish i had more strength but I’m just too tired. I know most people will say this guy is probably depressed he needs counselling and he will be fine. I’ve never been depressed in my life, I’ve loved my life and I’ve done everything in my power to make everyone around me happy and myself.

I’ve achieved most of the things I’ve dreamed of and I’m happy for that but now i don’t see the point of existing anymore. I mean as much as I’ve enjoyed doing everything making friends and love and all that I’ve never fit in anywhere I’ve always been the outsider. I am always the freak that’s always by himself even the closest friends i have get tired of me sometimes because I’m just too different.

I’ve tried to change but i don’t know how to do that maybe i don’t belong here maybe i should move on as they always say. I don’t know what’s on the other side, maybe I’ll belong there a little better, maybe I’ll find my mother there and then I’ll get to know her, maybe she can explain why I’m so different. But, whatever it is it’s gotta be better than this, and even if it ain’t better at least it will be a different experience that this.

I’ve never been afraid of death, i always thought I’ll die young so it has been something I’ve been expecting i just never thought I’d do it myself. And i think it will be fitting because nothing that has happened to me has been my choice. I mean it’s nobody’s choice to be born but at least most of you your parent’s wanted you, and not a teenager result of being raped. A mistake anyone would want to get rid off but some piece of shit like me wouldn’t just go away and then when you are born someone looses their child because of you.

 

Part 2,

A constant remind of pain and shame but then they have to take care of you anyway because even if their child is gone you are still around. And because these are good people they give you everything and make sure you grow up properly and educated. Eventually, you find out the truth and then everything adds up, even though i try most of the time i try to ignore it and tell myself none of it is my fault. It’s really hard sometimes, i wasn’t supposed to be here, if i weren’t born my mom will be here, maybe she will have a family of her own with a husband who loves her. But, i had to come along and ruin everything including any dreams she ever had, and causing her family pain that never went away no matter how good i tried to be or how hard i worked to be perfect. I could always see the pain in their eyes, the loss they all felt because of my existence.

Everyone says life is short but in my case it hasn’t been i feel like I’ve existed for way too long and this life just keeps going and it never stops. People that are way more important than i ever could be die around me but i keep existing, maybe i already died and this is my hell and i just don’t know it. When i watched the matrix i i really wished i was living in that world that day one I’ll wake up and find out it was all just fiction. But we all know that this is real and we have to endure our existence until we no longer exist.

What’s bothering me is the enduring part, i don’t want to keep enduring i don’t want to keep going, i lost the battle the moment i was born all the odds were against me. I’ve been dealing with a bad deck of cards even since i was born and i just realized it’s pointless to keep going. Things will never get better because people always leave when they find out what i am. No one wants to be with someone like me, someone with my background, sometimes no even me wants to be with me.

Sometimes i wish i could just step away from myself for a day and just be like any other normal person without a complicated past like mine. Someone who doesn’t have to lie about who they really are or whose past won’t make him sound like a living curse. Living has been exhausting for me and i wish i could believe that things do get better but from my experience they don’t. It’s the same thing over and over again, loss, pain and disappointment.

I just want to say if i die today it’s nobody’s fault, it’s my own decision and I’m taking the full responsibility. I love my family and I’m thankful that they never gave up on me even though I’ve caused them so much pain. To all my friends I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve had together but i think it’s time for me to go, i wish you all the best this life can offer.

Just to make things clear i wouldn’t wish this ending for anyone, i wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through what I’ve been through. And i really wish all the men out there think before abusing a teenager on the street because the effect can last for much longer than they think. One impulsive action can ruin a whole family’s life and unrepairable wounds that last a lifetime.

Also, for people who are going through what I’m going through i truly hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel even though mine is pitch black all the way. I hope you meet someone who will be willing to stand by you and never let go without getting tired. And that will be a very special someone because I’ve managed to push everyone that i know and loved away. Now I’m at the end of the line all alone even though i don’t wish to be with anyone with me right now anyway.

I’m glad i have lived even though it was through unfortunate circumstances and as hard as that living has been it was worth the experience and now i don’t mind being done with it. I have met someone that i loved with all my heart and every ounce of my being even though it didn’t last i really thought she was my soulmate, but i guess i was wrong about that too.

 

Part 3,

 I don’t have thirteen reasons why, but i have only one that i wasn’t supposed to exist in the first place. Everything I’ve had was someone else’s to have, like that extra uninvited guest that always ruins the budget of the party. So now i think it’s about time i take my leave.

And to clear one more thing I’m not under the influence, and I’m not forced by anyone I’m doing this with sound of mind and it’s my own decision. I’m not scared or worried, I’m rather relieved that my journey here will finally come to an end and I’m ready for the next one if there’s one. And I’m not doing it as escape because i don’t believe in that if i could escape my fate at any point in my life i would have but there’s no such thing as escape in this life. Don’t make the decision I’ve made if you think it will be an escape, it isn’t. This is the end of everything, a permanent end which is what I’m looking for.

Whoever may read this story and facing the same problem as i am please don’t jump into conclusion talk to friends and your mom and dad or your siblings before doing anything. I’ve been too good at pushing people away that no one will care if i die or live, it really doesn’t make any difference. And also, if you still have your parents please cherish them, especially your mom. There’s no lonelier life than a life without having a mother, i would know because i never got to know mine. Call her, spend time with her whenever you get a chance because you don’t want to regret not spending enough time with her once she is gone. And your siblings will be your biggest support even though sometimes they can be annoying, don’t push them away. I wish i had a sister or a brother at least i would have someone to share this pain with.

Talk to someone who will understand what you are going through because most people leave when they realize you have to much baggage on you or you have a weird past. Don’t tell people what you are going through unless they prove they are worth it, they can be trusted. Most people will spread what you are going through to others and not in a good way, and your situation will be much worse, i would know.

Lastly, don’t judge me, you have no idea what I’ve been through and you have no idea what it’s like to be on my shoes, very few people know.

Be kinder to others and don’t be too quick to judge. Listen more and talk less.

If i die today i want it to be on my own terms.

 

Impressum

Texte: DenisDaniel
Bildmaterialien: Google
Cover: Canva
Lektorat: Denis Daniel
Korrektorat: Denis Daniel
Satz: Large print
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 17.12.2022

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