“Come on come on!!! Wake up don’t leave me don’t stop come on..... Please!!!!!!! “I scream at josh to wake up to breathe again. I look around searching with tears running down my face looking for someone but all that left is blackness." oh. I stutter awake looking to my right to make sure josh was still there. He was. I take a deep breath and get out of bed. According to my bed clock it is 6 in the morning. I sigh as I get out of bed trying to get my breath under control. I glance over at josh, just to make sure. I sigh with relief to see him breathing and soundlessly asleep. I get up softly hoping not to wake him up. I walk over to our bathroom and slip y cloths off. I step onto the cold tile of our shower and put the water to the hottest it would go. While I take a bath wash and lather it on to my sponge I replay the dream- well nightmare in my head. By the time I finish my shower the bathroom is coated in a whit fog caused by the hot water. I wipe the mirror with my towel and stare back at my tired reflection. My violet colored eyes staring back to me, bags under my eyes and my lips turned into a scowl. I hear josh jostle in his sleep and sigh with tiredness. I wait until I hear his light snoring to start again. I tug on my Victoria secret under wear and lace purple bra on. As I do so I hear a faint tapping on my window. I open our bedroom window and there on the sill is a note. I poke my head out the window to see who is there. My long black hair hanging out the window. I pull my head back in and the note. I open the note, miffed by the words written on the page. “Watch out... You never know how much something means to you until he’s gone. Wouldn’t that be a shame melody? I hope you’re prepared. “I gasp as I read the finishing word and rush to the window and shut it closed tight and locked. I tug on my jean shorts and black shirt and rush to our bedroom. I close all our windows and shades, hypervaliting. I go upstairs and close all the windows and shades from that floor and the same with the first floor. I go into the kitchen and brew some coffee trying to convince myself that it was all in my head. I pour my coffee into my mug and add 2 sugars and a splash of milk. I start trembling and go upstairs to check on our toddler Mae. She’s asleep. Her birthday in a few weeks. God I can’t believe I had here 4 years ago when I was only what 18. I sigh remembering my childhood. I feel his presence in the room even with my eyes closed.” Mnnn morning.” I sigh. He chuckles and embraces me. I smile and kiss his cheek. He smiles sadly and says the words I least have expected to hear after the morning I’ve had.” I love you, please know I will always love you , no matter what happens to me, you and Mae are my world.” I see tears spring up in his eyes and I shrug away the dark feeling of death. “Why would you say that? I mean we love you too. Bu-” he stops me by crushing his lips onto mine silencing me.
Its two o clock in the afternoon when I take Mae to her babysitter’s house. Josh said he wanted me to meet him at the park. Once I get Mae into Britney’s arms she starts crying and calling out dad. Her eyes portray something so scary as if she knows something. I leave before I can convince myself to grab her and to bolt. As I get into my car I get a call. I don’t know the number. I ignore it and continue driving to the park. I get to the park and park my car in the first spot I see. I get out of the car and get an umbrella from the back seat. I tug it open nod squint trough all the rain. I can barely see anything. I see something faintly over by the lake and woods. I run over and find josh on the ground. Silent and unmoving. I run faster to get to him. I get there and drop my umbrella in the process of falling next to him. I check his pulse. Very faint but still there. I open my pone and dial 911. I can’t speak but the person on the receiver says she can locate were we are. “Come on come on!!! Wake up don’t leave me don’t stop come on..... Please!!!!!!! I scream at him with my hands on his chest. Wanting him to get up and say let’s get out of here or something. I feel no respond and while I let the tears run down my face I hold on to josh for his life and my own.
I hear the sirens and now that the ambulance was hear I got up and called to them. 4 paramedics came running towards us. They pick up josh from the ground and pick me up and put me on a gurney as well, I protest, “No I’m fine he’s the one who is hurt!” I get off the bed and run to keep up with the paramedics with josh. I get into the paramedics and hold joshes hand all trough the drive. When we get there the paramedic take him to the emergency room and the doctors all came at once. I wanted to go in but they wouldn’t let me. One officer had to pull the screaming wet me from the door and into the waiting room. I yelled I kicked but nothing. I calm down after figuring out that no amount of tantrums will get me in to see him. I sat down with a dull green towel they provided me with. I took out my phone and called Britney. Tel her what had happened. As I finished talking I curled up onto the chair and stared at the clock. I dot know how long I was asleep but by the time I opened my eyes to find a very grim doctor in front of me I knew something must have happened. I look up to the eyes of this honest, sinserece hardworking eyes and hear the 5 words that made me purely hate him.” I’m so sorry. He’s gone.” He shakes his head while he says this. I can’t hear I can’t breathe I can’t even speak, I can only repeat he’s gone in my head over and over and over again get up and move towards his room. I open his door and sit next to him looking at his still body. His fragile lips, his soft yet hard hands, his muscular arms and eyes all mock me taunting me. I sit down and grab his hand. I look out the window and knell my head down on his cold corpse and cry.
“Miss, miss, you have to leave, it’s late. “ I look up to the face of a nurse and nod my head. I get up and pick my purse up. I take out my keys and cell phone out. I phone my friend abury and Britney what happed while I was driving. I didn’t mention that he’s gone. I go and pick up Mae. I tell Britney and tell her I would need her to keep Mae for a while, she looks at me with eyes full of sympathy as I walk down her driveway towards my car. I strap Mae into her car seat. She is still asleep. I notice a shiny thing in my cd pocket. I open it before pulling out of the driveway. A note flutters out and I catch it.
“Melody, my dear melody, my love, my music my symphony. I am so sorry I have to go. I didn’t know it would come so quick. Every time I said I love you and Mae I meant it and will always mean it. You are probably seeing this and wondering what he is talking about. You don’t understand. When I was younger someone came looking after my father and because he killed himself they came after his son. Me. I wish I can be there holding you there at this exact moment but I can’t. This song explains everything ill try to do and every time you need me just listen to this song and remember me. You remember our wedding, when Mae was born. Oh so many memories. I know Mae is turning 5 years old in a few weeks and you have to tell her that I am so proud of her. I have 4 different bank accounts. All containing 4,000 dollars. In total that make 16,000 dollars for you and Mae. My parents are in charge of the funeral and the money so doesn’t worry. Oh how I long to see your face just one more time. I’m sorry my letter has to come to end but remember I love you and Mae with all my heart and I’ll be here watching over you. I love you melody, I love you Mae. I love you both.
Josh.
I finish the letter and insert the cd. Static fills the air until I hear his voice repeating the letter in his own voice. When he finishes he plays you’ll be in my heart by pill version form Tarzan. I start uncontrollably crying when I hear this song, knowing this is our song. I keep replaying that song until I got to abury house. I take the cd and letter and out it in my purse. I collect Mae in my arms and go up her steps. I open the door and go inside. “I’m here. Just putting Mae in bed.” I go upstairs and tuck Mae in her bed that Aubrey bought just for her when she slept over. I kiss her forehead and walk silently out of her room. Once I get downstairs Aubrey is in the living room with two bottles of wine Mac and cheese and chicken fingers on her table in the living room. “Come here melody, tell me everything” she says. I sit down and explain everything. I even show her the e song and sing right along with the cd.
Come stop your crying'
and we'll be alright
Just take my hand, hold it tight.
I will protect from all around you,
I will be here don’t you cry.
For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm,
This bond between us can’t be broken,
I will be here don’t you cry

CHORUS:
'Cos you'll be in my heart,
yes you'll be in my heart,
From this day on now and forever more.

You'll be in my heart,
No matter what they say,
you’ll be here in my heart,
Always.

Why can't they understand the way we feel,
they just don't trust what they can’t explain.
How know your different
Deep inside us, where not that different at all.

CHORUS:
And you'll be in my heart,
yes you'll be in my heart,
from this day on now and forever more.

Don't listen to them, 'cos what do they know. (What do they know?)
We need each other, to have to hold.
They'll see in time, I know.

When destiny calls you, you must be strong
(you godda be strong)
I may not be with you, but you got to hold on.
They'll see in time, I know.

That your there together 'cos

you’ll be in my heart,
Believe me,
you’ll be in my heart.
I'll be there from this day on,
now and forever more.
Ooh you'll be in my heart
(you'll be here in my heart)
No matter what they say
(I'll be with you)
You'll be here in my heart
(I'll be there)
Always

Always
I'll be with you,
I'll be there for you always
Always and always.
Just look over your shoulder x3
I'll be there always.
By the end o the cd I go to rewind it with tears running down my face. Aubrey stops me and takes me to the guest room. She tucks me in kisses my forehead and all I remember is her closing the door before I black out.
I wake up to find myself in a different bed and josh not next to me. I sit there until the realization of what happened yesterday sunk in. my world has ended.
2 weeks later.
Funeral day
I dress myself in an all black dress with black boots. I have my hair down and covering my face. We get to the funeral and I get through the ceremony without a single word or teardrop. By the time everybody has left I get down on my knees beside his grave and just stare. I can’t seem to hold the pain anymore. The world around me Is alive and well, I might be a alive but my world ended when josh took his last breath.
4 years later. June 12.
4 years that josh has died. I still listen to our song and his voice. I see our family videos and photos. I miss him. Mae is now 9 years old. She understands that mommy sometimes burst out crying but she doesn’t question. I stand by his grave. Looking down at him. Knowing that when he left he took my heart with him.
I don’t know if ill ever get over it or if ill move on. I just don’t know. I get up from my knees and wipe the dirt and tears from my eyes. I start walking and before I turn around I whisper “I love you josh” into the air. Without a second wait I turn away and walk into the world.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 06.05.2011

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