Ice cold. I remember each flake as it passed my eyes and grazed my cheek. Winter was always one of my favorite seasons, but now it has only come to bring me sorrow, and another bout of immense heartache. I feel neglected, though i’m sure he couldn’t manage to pay me any mind while he’s six feet under me, sleeping. I suppose his soul rests with his body, but knowing him he went to venture out into the world beyond my world. For once, that didn’t sound so awful. His talent for playing the piano still lingers on my mind, as his name does on my breath. It’s a sigh away from a tear, and as I take another step closer to his grave, his name in plain sight. I am reminded that once again, everything i’d ever done was for him, and everything he’d ever done in turn, had been for me.

I awoke to the sound of November rain, hitting my window, beating like a drum. The sound was calming and to it, I could sleep another day and night. I swung my feet over the bed and let them dangle benethe me. Humming to myself a song to the rain, I looked at the clock. It was odd knowing that I was now homeschooled, in fact, it was just downright dreadful. I felt sluggish and not in the mood to fool around with my mother this morning. Lord knows she’d been awake for hours, most likely moaning and groaning about everything that needed to be done in our already spotless house. With my younger brother Steven in the hospital, and my older brother Jermey insisting on enlisting in the army, she was stressed. I’ve often wondered if most of it was my fault. Seeing as how I am an emotional wreckage, who, despite her greatest efforts is constantly in and out of the hospital as much as Lindsey Lohan is in rehab. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair, opening my laptop I began my schoolwork. Withing five minutes my mother was knocking on the door, she sounded cheerful, but I knew it was temporary. My father would be home from his business trip soon, and she was stressing about the next fight between them, and the next fight between him and Jeremy.

“Molly, i’d like you to come with me shopping this afternoon” I nodded at her request and didn’t look up from my session. “Also, try going to see Steven today, it’s been nearly a week since you’ve last seen him. I’m sure he misses you”

“I doubt it” I mumbled. I knew this upset her, each time I avoided Steven. I didn’t hate my brother, quite the opposite. In fact, my brothers and I have always been close. When Steven got sick, it turned my entire world upsidedown. I refused to go into the childrens ward, look into his eyes and see the sorrow benethe his smile. It just wasn’t an option. It pained me to watch him die, knowing that he couldn’t be cured and would be gone before Thanksgiving. What sixteen year old girl wanted that. He wouldn’t be happy with me, i’m sure Jeremy told him about my last few eating episodes and he’d ask to see my arms. I’m sure the sight of them would send him into another episode. I couldn’t bear that.

“Bryan called last night, you were already asleep. He’s stopping by to pick you up, and offered to take you to see Steven this afternoon around three, alright?” I shook my head but I doubt she noticed. She sounded tired, and I don’t blame her much. She’s always tired, having to pretty much force food in me, and sit on me so I don’t rush to the bathroom and vomit the contents of my stomach and then some, fighting with Jeremy over his army desicion, and then poor Steven who has Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease which causes holes in the brain. He’s now bed-ridden and is on round the clock care.

I continued my schoolwork as I heard Bryan’s truck in the driveway. I would normally go down to meet him but I was almost done with my paper, so I figured this time he could come and meet me. He opened the door just as I hit send. Cyber School was so much better than regular school. Fast paced and I didn’t have to worry about anything stupid with hormonal teens. The only bad thing was I was missing Bryan during the day. He hugged me and placed a gentle kiss on my lips.

“You ready” He asked, I nodded and slipped on my flats. “You look nice” I didn’t dare tell him how I thought I looked, I didn’t need him feeling bad. I felt as if I looked like I weighed about 300 pounds, and gross. In reality I weighed only about 96 pounds and it was really starting to show, if I knew how to stop the cycle I would, but i’m terrified of being over-weight. Funny thing is, the more I lose the more I fear being under-weight. I starve as punishment, and because of my punishment, losing weight is a consequence.

I was silent the entire drive to the hospital, and as we walked down the halls, passing the childrens rooms my heart began to ache. The doctor had just walked out of Steven’s room as we approached. He smiled “Molly, it’s great to see you here. He’s not doing so good today though, i’m sure this visit will put him in a more cheerful mood.” I nodded

“How bad is he today” I asked, trying my best to hide my disappointment and sadness.

“I know you’re hopeful he’ll get better, but that would take a miracle. I can see it in your eyes, Molly. His memory is a little fuzzy, more so than usual, also he’s coughing up blood again and the headaches have started. I’m going to call your mom and tell her to be prepared” I held my breath and the tears that threated and stung my eyes. Tonight was it. I would lose something so close to me, tonight. I had a feeling, I just hoped things would slow down, get better. You know?

I entered his room, smiling and looking hopeful. He smiled back, though in his eyes you could tell he knew. “Molly” He croaked. I winced at the sound of his voice, one once so strong, now weak and feeble. “How are you”

“I’m gettin there kiddo, how are you?” I tried to keep a smile, though it was hard. He took a deep breath and coughed into his tissue, as red peeked through.

“I’m fantastic. Can’t you tell” He managed a small smile and a light chuckle. I giggled a bit at how light he was. “Jeremy told me about the other night with mom” I nodded “How many?”

“That’s not important.”

“To me it is” He argued as he grabbed my arms. He winced and looked away, pain on his face. “Please, Molly, for me, I need you to eat and stop cutting. I know it’s hard, but you have to keep fighting. I won’t let Mommy lose you and I both within months of eachother. You just got out of the hospital, I don’t want you to go back in” I nodded as a tear slipped down my cheek and rested itself onto Steven’s blanket. “I won’t be here tomorrow” He stated.

“No, don’t say that. You’ll be here. You’ll be fine” I pleaded

“Molly, face it. It’s time, i’m too tiredto hold on anymore. I can’t”

“You can. Steven please!” He looked out his window and watched the snowfall.

“Bryan I want you to take care of her, i’ll be watching but there isn’t much you can do when you’re hovering above the clouds. I need you to fill in when Jeremy leaves for the Army. She’s important to the both of us, it’s vital that she stays strong” Bryan nodded. It was just as hard for him as it was for me. Steven and I are only a year and 3 months apart. We’re best friends. I was losing my best friend.

The doctor walked in and the look on his face stated that it was time to say my goodbyes and that he was sorry. I turned to Steven and clung to him. “I love you. Know that. You’re my best friend, my little brother, my entire world. Please know that.” I sobbed

“I love you, Molly. Hang in there sunshine, one day the rain will stop” He let go of me and I layed in his arms for a few minutes. He stroked my hair like he did my first breakup. “Save your tears kid, I want you to smile and laugh and joke around about the stupid shit you and I did together as kids. I need you to smile”

“I can’t smile when it’s all falling apart”

“For me, you’ll smile. And everyday I will smile back”

That was the last time I saw my brother alive. I layed awake in bed, letting his last words to me echo. I watched the midnight snow fall onto the ledge and shatter to the ground. Drifting to sleep, dreaming. And as I dreamt, i’d hoped that when I woke up, the past year will have all been a dream.

I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet, feeling a rush of guilt and satisfaction with myself. This was wrong and incredibly pathetic, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't get fat. It wasn't an option. I felt as if along with my vomit came my entire insides. I was used to the pain after the vomitting, but today I felt so weak, and fragile.

As I walked back to my bedroom, I passed the little table in the hallway with the picture of Steven, Jeremey and me. I, once again, broke down into hysterics. I'd never missed anyone as much as I missed Steven. It's been two days and I still have not completely grasped my reality. I keep overhearing the conversations between my parents about the funeral, and how my mom will be in the middle of saying something, and break down once more. My heart hurts.

I dialed Bryan's number and there was no answer. I really needed to talk to someone. I felt too guilty for purging, not because I promised Steven I wouldn't, but because I knew that i'd been losing more weight, which meant yet another trip to the hospital at the next weigh in. My mom would not only be down one child, but two. I was on a fast track to killing myself but I really just don't care.

Just as I was about to take another laxitive or 5, Jeremy walked in. His eyes were bloodshot, and it looked like he had been crying, and hadn't been sleeping for days. "Stop it" He demanded in a weak and almost whispered voice. "Stop it now. You're killing yourself, you're killing me, I lost one of you, I can't-" He stopped and began to cry. My stomach hurt once more, but this was a guilty pain, not a purging pain. "I can't lose you too. You're too important to me"

I looked down at my arms, which were fresh with cuts from the night before. I knew I had to stop, but I didn't want to. I felt as if I deserved to be in pain. I deserved to hurt, because I couldn't save my brother. I just, I couldn't save him. I deserved everything I was feeling and then some. I didn't deserve to be happy. As I looked up, Jeremy's eyes held not only sadness but anger. "Talk to me" I reached for his hand, but instead of taking it. He shoved it into the wall. I cringed.

"Why?" He ran his hands through his hair, pulling it and scratching throughout his head. "Why did it have to be him? Why does it have to be you?!" His voice was shaken and rising "Why not me? Why does it happen to the two people who least deserve to be in pain?!"

"We're all in pain Jeremy" I whispered reaching for his hand again, I grazed it lightly as he pulled away.

"But you two just fade away. One of you is gone, and you, you're just getting closer! Why does this happen. TELL ME! IF THERE IS A GOD WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?!" He seemed to be pleading for the answers that I didn't have. I don't know why Steven and I were given the cards we were. Steven chose to play his, granted he lost his game, he played a damn good one. "He was so talented, he really could have been somebody"

"In my eyes he was somebody" I interjected "In my eyes he was a hero, and a brave one at that. He had such courage and faced the sickness with a brave face and a light sense of humor. In my eyes he was a gifted piano player, a goofball, and my best friend. In my eyes he was my hero"

"Molly, I didn't even get to say goodbye" He whispered "I didn't get to tell him that I thought he was one hell of a kid. I didn't get to tell him that he was amazing and that no matter how I acted when we were younger I always admired his will to live. He lived with a smile, despite how much pain we all knew he was in. Why can't I be like that?" I, again, had no answer for him. He slid down the wall and pounded his head into it. Beating it like a drum. The guilt that laced his eyes in pain, was hurtful to watch.

I walked through the kitchen and to the back yard. Tears staining my shirt, I collapsed into the snow. The blood from my cutting staining the white, a powerful red. My mind racing. What was left? I had almost nothing now. Jeremy was leaving in a month, Bryan would be headed off to college and my parents were no doubt getting a divorce. Over the years the things with Steven and I had begun to drive them apart. I would be alone. I found myself looking up into the cloudy night sky, talking, as if I was speaking to an old friend.

"I remember when I was six, Jeremy was eight and too busy to play with Steven and me. I threw the biggest fit and broke Jeremy's favorite army toy, and to make ammends for me, Steven gave him his favorite army toy. Steven was always like that. Giving other people his favorite things, because they had lost their own. As we grew up, he would write songs. Amazing and beautiful songs. He wrote me one once. I hum it from time to time, and to this day remember every word. I loved when he sang it to me. It made me feel special" The tears were still falling, and I felt stupid for talking to no one. Funny thing is, I couldn't stop. It was as if I needed to keep talking to stop myself from feeling alone. "Molly says it's never worth it, but she'll never know I think she's perfect. Molly's smile is like the sun, and I love it when she laughs, it always takes me back" I hummed the song to myself as the snow began to fall, coating my hair a bit. It was freezing but I felt nothing. I've been forced into a numbness so real, and so painful, that all I needed was one last reason. One last reasong to end all of my misery.

I fell asleep on the porch, and awoke deep within the night. I know there are people worse off than I am, but I wonder if they're dealing with it the way I am. I wonder if i'll ever be able to mend. And mend properly.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.04.2011

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To all of those who've found themselves in the midst of a great loss. The ones you love will always watch you grow. "Hang in there sunshine, the rain will stop"