The same.

Everyday's, the same, 

she fight's,

to find her way,

she hurt's,

she break's,

she hide's, 

and she tries to pray,

she wonder's why.

Does anyone ever hear her when she cries?

People

 Some people can't think about the future,

if they are stuck in the past.

The past can be dark, cold, and lonely,

but she think's that they need to figure some things out

on their own and at their own pace. 

She tries

She tries to be strong but she couldn't take the pain anymore, it just get's worse than before, she just want's to be happy again, and actually smile for once in her life, instead of faking a smile, she's tired of feeling used, or getting hurt, but she doesn't want to be alone anymore. Maybe her friend was right. That you don't need to make her feel worse about herself, you don't need to talk behind her back. You don't need to keep telling her that she's a different person. You don't need to worry about her. You don't need to say that everything will be alright.You don't need to say she's annoying. You don't need to tell her to be strong. She doesn't need to hear any of this. You can say what you want it won't make her feel any better. She know's what she is doing wrong. She know's what is making you runaway. All she can say is that she is done. She's tired of feeling alone, usless, hopeless, never proud of, ext. This is her goodbye to you. 

Do they realize

 How do people not realize that she's in pain. Tears are running down her face, and people still don't show that they care. They just leave her alone. What if she doesn't want to be alone anymore or what if she's asking for help and no one will listen to her. Maybe she was born to be alone in a dark scary place and to have no one. Maybe she's to depressed and is just ready to give up. She tries to be happy but all she can do is fake a smile. She thought her life was finally starting to get better at one point in time but now she knows that it will never be better. Because she realized that she can't run away from this dark feeling because it will always find her.

 

Why her?

Why must she be the one who alway's get's hurt. She's been cheated on before, now it feel's like it's happening all over again. She feel's used, gross, and she feel's like she's not the same anymore. She feel's so lost. These are the moments that she wshes that her dad would just be there for her, his own daughter. She doesn't know what to do. She's so confused. Should she leave him, or should she stay? Her friends don't like him, and probably never will like him. She wonder's what her Uncle would say. Will he tell her to leave him? She doesn't know. These are the question's that pop into her head at night.

Losing him.

Losing him because of worries, and heartbreak.

She feel's like she is losing him.

Everyday that passes by wwithout a Hi, is another day of heartbreak, and worries in her mind.

Aer they losing eachother?

Is this a sign?

What can she do?

Can she do anything?

Is she losing the man that she fell in love with?

If so why?

She just doesn't know what she can do anymore.

Where is the love. 

The unknown feeling

 And here she sit's, wondering how Eve felt after that apple she bit, last of a dying breed, She should cut deeper for a faster bleed, living is no longer in need, greatful she didnt plant her seed, and she lived life on it's fastest speed so here she is with the world in her hand, But she's only woman, complexities understood but can't see her simple plan. They say in complete darkness she can find light. Must be true because in depression she found peace of happiness, for a monument of two, she even got to share some with him. But it's all a game, and it's all the same, when she's gone, she wrote this so he won't forget her name, she just couldn't deal anyomore and he know's, this is why she's gotta let go. Can't keep going against the flow, can't get these thought's out of her head, a wise man once said " No man ever step's in the same river twice", such philosopy couldn't be more concise, she bet's that he didn't take his own adivce, ending life with her own device, who knew she was setting up her own demise, safe to say her thought's got comprise, from 99-14 and everything in between, it all seem's like a movie screen, nothing is real because this is all God's dream, Dream's, Nightmare's,where angel's only scream she just want's to float up, up, and away. Does think Cobain make's it up by saying "God is gay?" Street caligraphy, promise he'll miss her, and this is hard to do, to write this for him, She love's him, she love's him.

She's Ready

She's ready to give up on life, her family is having a war between each other, she's go I g insane, she wants to cry but she cant, she needs to be strong for herself, she already gave up on her father, but she doesn't want to lose her little brother. He is the reason why she is still on earth today. Nobody she's her pain. She wants to scream but doesnt, she is hopeless, unhappy, giving up on faith, she is going insane, her life is so screwed up that she tells herself that she is nothing but a f*** up, and that she belongs in a mental hospital, she wants her life to go back to normal again. But it's to late for that, the darkness has already taken over her life. She is to fragile now, Her older brother hate her now, her dad probably does to but she does t care anymore. He already lost her, but that's his fault. He made those choices to lose her, she only has her mother now.

Fear

 She says that she doesn't want to talk about it. Actually she does but she's afraid of your reaction. She's afraid that you will never see her the same, as an equal. She is afraid of the pity on your eyes when you realize how screwed up she is.

She is...

She is insecure,

and broken.

In her mind she is nothing,

she is a nobody.

She went out one Friday night,

she was drinking and smoking so much.

She was numb for that period of time,

she wanted that feeling,

she loved that feeling,

that was her escape from reality.

She sat near the shore,

looked up into the stars

She saw her Great grandma look down on her,

she lost it,

she broke down and cried.

She was to young to be doing this,

but that was the only way that she could make all her pain

Disappear. 

All she hears is voice's in her head,

saying she os a screwed up person,

and that she souldn't be alive.

But she can't leave not just 

Yet.

 

 

Why?

 Why won't anyone let her go? She just want's to go home. When she has no one left she can runaway. Why would they lie to her, and tell her that she will be "OKAY?" When really the truth was she wouldn't be.She's been gone from this world for what seems like millennia. Has she com far from her yesterday? She doesn't think so. Just close her eyes and lay her in her tomb and pull the trigger and send her.

 

She wishes....

She wishes that she could wake up with Amnesia to forget the pain that she has caused; the only way for her to to be normal again is to be numb. For her to be numbe is to escape from reality by drinking. But she lost respect from a few friends, so the pain got worse. She doesn't have the answer's to stop this pain, don't think she ever will.

Sad quotes she relates to.

•  It hurts, but it's ok... she is used to it.
• She hate's getting flashbacks from things she doesn't want to remember.
• Sometime's, she has to pretend that everything is okay.
• People tell her no, but that just makes her want to do even more even if it hurts her so much.

Going insane

 She is going insane now that he is gone. She is losing faith and hope. She is so ready to give up, she is not doing to good, she can't sleep at night, shes breaking day by day but she hides behind a smile that's not really there. He was there for her threw everything and one day he is not because he left this place, she want's him back, she beats herself up everyday for not stopping him, but she couldn't. She blames herself for everything, her best friend was the only person she fully trusted now she feels like she has no one. She will see him again but it's not the same as it once was. R.I.P Aaron.

Aaron Chain and his goodbye letter.

 Alexis, I know you and I haven't really gotten to talk much lately. Seems like forever since I've had a good conversation with you. I haven't forgotten what youv'e done for me. If anything when I slit my throat and bleed out, you'll be the person I miss most. You were the only one who stayed up with me on that dark night and honestly, you're the only person who seemed to really care. I know I probably sound crazy, especially since we've never even gotten to meet in person, but truly, you're one the best people I've ever gotten to talk to. I just wish wish we got to meet. I know you're probably disappointed in me, maybe even disgusted, but I promise you I won't be harming anyone anymore... I just ant you to know, before I go, that night you stayed up with me and talked me o9ut of pulling the trigger, was the first time in years I didn't feel alone... You were a good to Hailey too. She talked about you a lot when she was still here. You were the kind of friend she needed. You're an incredible person Alexis and don't you ever forget that. -Aaron

Two years later...

It's been two years since you heard about anything that was happening to me, there a lot of things that have happened in these years. Well here goes everything. I became an alcoholic, everynight I would go out to a major kick back that my friends where always throwing, until one day I got caught by the police. I got sent to Court, I refused to go to Tasc and Counsling, I refused to pay my fine off, they sent me to jail. Wasn't fun. I became sober after I got out. I was with this guy for 6 months, lived together for 5 months out of the relatioship, left him because I finally realized he was onlywith me for my body and he never really loved me like he said he did. Fell back into depression, didn't speak to anyone. Started drinking again, realized that my father is a piece of shit and doesn't care. Oh and I couldv'e had a 1 year and 7 months child, parents forced me to take plan b 4 days after it happened. Older brother died in my bathroom. Well that's most of everything that I can remember. 

Never knew

I have never known that being with someone and loving them to your fullest can be so great. But trying to move together can be so stressful I have never wanted to give up as much as I want to now but I have also never had so much motivation to continue on. The road that I have been on defiantly has had its ups and downs but being with him makes things so sweet. But I'm starting to go back to the way I was. Not wanting to talk, sticking to myself, eating less, I just want to get up and walk out the door and just walk, keep walking till I get lost but I cant do that, especially now that I have my son. I have never been so lost in my life than I am now. I have no idea what im doing but I want him. I want us. I want my family to be the way I have always imagined but no one has ever told me that it would be this hard. 

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.11.2014

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