~See you when you're better~

The smell of dryed blood was the first thing that hit me as I poped off the top of my plastic box. I hid it in my window seat. My parents didn't know it opened. Dumb asses. I pulled out what I needed and pulled up my sleeve. I really should stop using blood stained Razor blades, but they remind me of my past. I wiped the blade on my shirt to make sure all the blood flakes where gone. I pressed the blade to the fold of my arm, looked up, and slashed my skin open. I dropped the blade, and Grabbed my rag.

"Honey?" 

My Box fell.

"Is everything okay in there?"
     "Yeah Mom it's fine." I said dropping to my knees.

I tied the rag in place and began to put my things into the box.

"I can help?" The door knob turned.

"I got it!" I lunged to the door and locked it.

"Okay, well, your Father and I need to talk to you about something over dinner."

"I'll be down in a second."

"Are you sure I can't help you with anything?"

"Just go Mom."

"Okay then, Hurry."

I stopped the bleeding and then ran down stairs.

"Now then." Dad said, as I sat down. "What's this bussiness about you stabbing someone at school with a pencil?"

"I didn't stab him. I threw the pencil at him and it just some how stuck to the kids arm."

"You've done this before." Mom said. "You get upset and then you through a fit."

"Well people shouldn't upset me."

"That's what we're here to talk about." Dad said.

"There's this school, that deals with kids who have." Mom paused looking for the word. " a different out look on life."

"Don't lie to her." Dad said, taking a roll from the bowl in the mmiddel of the table. "It's a school for people Who have problems."

"Stop." Mom smacked him. "You live in a dorm room with another girl, and you have someone to help you work ouy your problems. Anger, self harm, anything you have, you go here."

"Just think about it." Dad said, as I opened my mouth.

"It's a good idea honestly." Mom looked down. "What is that!"

I looked down and quickly pulled my sleeve down, "It's nothing."

"I have the school's number on speed dial." Dad got up.

"Pack your clothes, you'll be going." Mom said, following after Dad.

"Don't worry." She stopped at the door. "We'll see you when you're better."

I sighed and sat back in my chair as I watched her go.

~Au Revoir~

"Don't pack anything sharp." Mom said. "You'll just have to give it up when You get there."

"You might of not wanted to tell her that." Dad said.

"Why?" She asked. "It's the truth isn't it?"

"Are you going to watch me pack the whole time?"

"Yes." They both said.

"Why? I can't bring anything sharp, and your just sending me away anyways. I should be able to be along for five seconds."

"Fine." Dad said.

"What?" Mom looked at him.

"We'll put your bags in the car. You have two minutes."

"Thank you." I sighed walking to my bathroom.

I locked the door and took off my shoe. I grabbed the blade from under one of the sink drawers and stuck it under the padding in my shoe. I slipped on my shoe and left the house.

"Ready?" Dad opened my door.
I narrowed my eyes at him and then got into the car. 

"Okay, now when you get on your plane-"
I grabbed my bags and hurried to gate 18.

"Well okay then!" Mom called.

After two hours we had to switch planes. I was going to just run away then, but the school had a gaurd waiting for me. Apparently other kids had the same idea, when the planes switched, so I was now waiting for my next plane sitting next to a big dude with cuffs and a gun.

"See you!" I jumped up as my flight was called.

He waited until I was on the way to the plane and then he was gone.

 

~The Crazy House~

"Well, I guess we waited long enough." The Woman said.

There was a table with a box on it in front of her.

"Put all cell phones and anything you can use to hurt yourself into the box. Do it yourself or you can be checked by Security. "
  I watched as everyone put their phones into the box. In went the blades, pocket knifes, lighters and match books as well.

"Charlotte, your head band."

"Are you shitting me?"

The kids in the loby looked up at me.

"It's plastic, you can break it and hurt yourself. And according to your charts-"

"Got it." I tossed the head band onto the table.
     "Alright everyone." She said, puting my head band in the box. "All bags go on the belt and everyone goes through the metal detector."

Shit my shoe. I steped up to the detector.

"Come on." The Man said, waving me forward.

"Is that kid outside trying to kill themself?" I asked pointing.

Everyone ran to the window. I yanked off my shoe and tossed it into the air, catching it on the other side. I sliped it on and turned around to see some of my new class mates had the same idea. I looked down the hall. A guy in baggy clothes was quietly arguing with a woman in white.

"You know what?" He said, as calmly as he could manage. "I can't have a simple salad in this prison?"

"Okay, okay. "The nurse looked around. "Just calm down Ryder, okay? I'll see what I can do okay?"

"That's all I ask. I'm sorry I lost my temper almost."

"That's okay."

Ryder hugged the nurse, and then she walked away a little dazed. Ryder made eye contact, nodded once and then turned down the hall head down.

"Charlotte." The woman said, trying to give me my bags.

"Yeah, Charlie." I said, looking down the hall, reaching for my bag. 

"Sorry Charlie." Then she laughed. "You get that a lot don't you?"

"You wouldn't believe it."

"Okay, well here's your bag for school." She gave me my bag. "And this is your class list, your map of the school, and that is your room number. This here is when you meet with the doctor. If you seem to be getting better, you're groups will get cut. Groups are every Monday Wedsenday and Friday."

"Okay thanks." I took the paper.

"Good luck Charlie."

The first thing I did was find my room. There was a bare bed on a white iron bed frame, with a box on it. On the other side of the room was a bed made up all in pink. I sighed and set my bags on the bed. I opened the box. Purple bedding. I made my bed and opened the trunk at the bottom of my bed.

It had a lock on it, but I knew the front offce had a key for checks. I shoved in all my clothes, books and shoes. I shoved my bathroom things into my side dresser. I pulled my camera out of my bag and walked to the window. I opened it, but stopped from taking a picture. The window was blocked by black Iron bars. I sighed and went to the bed.

I shoved my suit cases under the bed and then opened the back pack. School stuff with a laop top. It had no Wifi. I set the lap top on my side table and grabbed the paper the woman gave me. I put my camer strap around my shoulders and left my room in search of the library. I got my student Id and school books before I dropped everything back off at my room. I went in search of my classes finding my locker.

I could of brought the damn books with me. I went to all my classes, asking for work I could do to catch up. The mostly told me that I just had to read the chapters. I left down the hall until a door with Photograhpy caught my eye.

"You have an activity yet?"

I turned around, "No."

"Everyone has to have one. I'm Mr. Pepper. I run this class. Nice camera."

"Oh thanks." I picked it up.
    "Would you like a tour of the class room? Perhaps you'd like to join my class?"

"No tour needed Mr. Pepper. I'm in. I really have to catch up in my other classes though, so I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Monday then, Charlotte."

"Um."

"I know everyone."

"That's creepy."

"I know." He opened the door. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. Sure."

I went back to my room, seeing a box infront of my room. I looked down the hall and then picked it up. 

'This box is from your parents, Charlie~ Miss Sammie.'

I picked up the box and went inside. I set up my lap top grabbed my english book and opened the box. Junk food. I smiled and opened up a roll of oreos. I was halfway through a chapter when the door opened and a crying girl ran into the room, and fell onto the pink bed.

I looked around the room, "Uh cookie?"

She looked at me and walied, her head falling back.

"Well okay." I said gathering my things. "I'm just going to take my cookies and go."

I hurried from the room and found a table at the back of the library. I finished up my studing and went back to the room. The girl was looking at herself in the mirror.

"Feeling better?"

"Sorry." She looked at me in the mirror. "I tend to be sensitive."

"Me too." I set my things on my bed. "I don't think I made things better when I offered you a cookie."

"You didn't." She shook with a laugh. "It's okay though."

"I don't realy get along with girls."

"Me too." She smiled. "Cool camera. Reminds me of someone I know. There's this garden through the dinning room. Perfect place to take pictures. You shouldn't be bothered there, and if your taking Mr. Peppers class, you'll need to put together a photo collage."

"Through the dinning room?"

"Yep. There's this big sign above the door. You can't miss it."

"Thanks, uh-"

"Clara."

"Charlie."

She smiled and then turned to the mirror. I pulled on my jacket and made my way to the garden.

~Ryder Nicks~

I snapped a picture of a humming bird before it flew away. Clara was right, I had already more than fifty pictures.

"You take pictures."

I turned, dropping my camera, but it caught on the strap. It was Ryder in jeans and a shirt.

"You're really skinny." I blurted out.

"I'm Anorexic."

"You don't eat?" Shut up! Shut up!

"I do. Under seven hunder calories a day. I'm suposed to be eating more, they say."

"They?"

"The Doctors, my parents, society."

"But your fine."

"Better than ever." He raised his camera and took a picture.

"Please delete that."

"Can't." He walked to a bench.

"Why?" I followed him.

"I have to have a picture of everyone I meet. It helps me remember them."

"You can't just ask for their name?" I asked sitting next to him.

"Not a chance. People change." He held up his camera. "Pictures don't."

"Can't you at least take a good picture of me?" I asked looking at my camera in my hands. 

He snapped another one.

"Ryder!"

"What? You wanted me to have a good one."

"I want you to have none."

"Here."

He actually took my camera and took two photos of himself. 

"There." He set it back in my lap. "We're even."

"Ryder!" A nurse called. "It's time for you're weighing."

"For chirst." He muttered standing up.

"Weighing?"

"Yeah." He helped me up. "It's this thing. I can't get below a certain wieght, or they take me to a hospital and give me a feeding tube."

"Why do you do it?"

"Ready?" The nurse asked.

"Yeah, any news on the salad?"

"Yep." She said, as they walked down the hall. "The Doctor said if you get your wieght to eighty-two pounds you can have a small one."

"It's a start." He said before he turned the courner.

~Mornin' Sunshine~

Clara's alarm went off at 4:20 in the morning.
    "Turn it off." I waved a hand.

"Mornin' Sunshine!" She anounced.

I sat up.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting to the showers before all the girls with long hair do. The drain gets cloged, and then you have to stand in their ankel deep Shaved hair, and sweat."

"Let me grab my towle." I tossed the blanket off.

We walked to showers only talking about classes.

"Do you know Ryder?" I asked, turning on the water, and setting my towel on the door.

"I know of him." She said, from the next shower stall.

"So what do you know?"

"I know he has no friends, he's Anorexic, and he takes pictures."

"That's it?"

"I don't even know His last name."

"Does anyone know Him?"

"Nope." She scrubbed her hair. "He likes to be left alone and so everyone leaves him alone."

"Does he have anger issues?"

"Yep. Which reminds me. What's your eating disorder?"

"What? I don't have an eating disorder."

"Then I wonder why you were put in the eating disorder wing."

"The what?"

"Your in the eating disorder wing. If you don't have an eating disorder, you should be in the cutting wing."
     "What?"

"You cut." She pointed at my arm. "You don't have to hide it or be ashmed of it. No one here is going to judge you. You're home Charlie."

I gave a half smile. Once back in the room I quickly got dressed and grabbed all my books. I wanted to get to my locker and put my books away before the school halls where flooded.

"Hey Charlie."

I looked up, "Oh hey Ryder."

"I tought I'd walk you to breakfast."

"No thanks I don't eat breakfast."

"Uh-huh." He rocked back and forth on his feet.

"What?" I asked him. "I do not have an eating disorder."

"Okay, so can I walk you to lunch?"
     "Nope I don't eat lunch." I sighed. "Don't look at me like that. I do not have an eating disorder."

"When you eat dinner, you eat dinner?"

"Right."

"Do you eat more than seven hundered calories?"

"No."

He raised his eye brows.

"Only because I'm a vegitarian, and my parents don't suport me, so I'm on my own for dinner. I'm just not hungry during the day."

"Because you sleep?"

"Yes, but how do you know?"

"Your a Scret Anorexic."

"No I'm not."

"You don't know you are."

"I'm on the fatter side of life. I don't have an eating disorder. I just don't feel like eating when I'm despressed. I eat snacks. See?"

"You just have to come to terms with the fact you have an eating disorder, Charlotte. You do not eat three meals a day."

"The average american doesn't eat damn three meals a day."

"But the average american isn't in a recovery unit."

"I might have to take this from my parents, but I don't have to take it from you. You don't even fucking know me."

"Just calm down, Charlie."

"You calm the fuck down." I slammed my locker, and walked down the hall. 

I ploppped down in a chair next to Clara, who was taking breaths looking over her food.

"Just give me your plate."

I took her plate, shoved the food to one side, and smashed down. I handed her the plate back.

"There. Now you ate half of it. I used to do that back home."

"So you do have an eating disorder."

"I don't have a fucking eating disorder."

"What crawled up your ass and died?"

"Sorry." I muttered.
     "What happened?"

"Everyone says I have an eating disorder when I don't, I'm fat."

"If you cut out your junk food, and continue to eat the way you do, you'll drop wieght Charlie. You have the means to havean eating disorder, your just not doing it right."

"So If I stop eating junk food, I'll be thinner?"

"Yep." She nodded.

"Huh. Who would of thought."

"That's the bell. Do you need me to show you your first class?"

"No I know were everything is."

"Okay, see you after school."

"See you." 
I tossed her tray away and left the dinning hall.

 

 

 

~Eating Disorder 101~

"Hello everyone!" Our group leader said. "You are in this group because everyone in this room self harms. There is different types of self harms. Cutting, burning, bruising and starving are some examples. This is a no judgement area. We are here to talk about why you do the things you do."

I was slouched in my chair sandwiched between Ryder and Clara, the two people who wanted me to admit to myself I had an eating disorder.

"We'll get to everyone, but who wants to start? Ryder perfect."

"I'm Anorexic."

"And you do it because?"

"I hate myself. I was the cubby kid everyone made fun of. Even my family poked fun at me. So first I began to starve myself, but my body wasn't used to it so when I did end up eating I would binge. I would eat everything in sight. I felt so fat and useless, that the toilet became my only friend. I'd eat then trow up.

It helped but what really helped is when I started only eating seven hundered calories a day, and throwing up three times a week. That's when I began to really drop the wieght. First everyone was proud of me. And then people began to worry about me. I droped from two hunder pounds to seventy-three pounds in less than treee months. Then I was put into this place."

"Why did you do it?" Group leader asked. "After everyone was worried."
    "If I may?" Clara looked over at Ryder, who nodded and tossed out a hand.
     "We do it to feel empty. To feel perfect. If we can't control the things in our lifes we can control bodies."

"Even if it will kill you?" Group leader asked.

"That's the down fall of self harm. Such a bad thing can make you feel so wonderful." She looked down at her hands.

"Charlie, your a cutter corect?"

"Yes."

"What made you start?" Group leader asked.

"I had this friend, His name was Owen. He reminded me of Ryder. Anyways He had a really bad home life and welll life in general. It just sucked for him. His parents were always fighting, His sister killed herself, because the dad was raping her, and beating her and she had a really bad case of depression. She had Alone carved on her arm, and when she killed herself, Owen carved it into his arm, and when He killed himself I carved the word into my arm. It was the first time I had ever cut, and for the first time in my life I found a way to get the pain from the indside to the outside.

Relief was instant but only lasted for a little while. I promised that I'd never cut myself, I had to help Owen get better, But when he was gone what was the point?"

"What made you give up on yourslef?"

Everyone looked at Ryder excpet for me.

"I don't know."

"I understand you have an eating disorder also?" Group leader asked.

"I don't." I sighed.

"Your mother beat Anorexia and she noticed the beginign signs in you. That's what made her call us. She went here when she was young. She was sixty-eight pounds by the time we got her."

"She never told me."

"She looked at it as a weakness. Self harm to her was a weakness. She had to hurt herself to make herself feel better about herself."

Everyone was quiet.

"Does anyone else want to say anything?"

A buzzer went off. 

"See you wedsenday."

"When do you start seeing your Therapist?" Clara asked, skiping to my side.

"Next week on tuesdays. Can you help me with soemthing?"

"Sure?"

"Help me get rid of all my junk food. I need to know If I'll drop wieght."

"No. Your supposed to be getting better."

"How can I get better if I don't know I'm sick?"

"Charlie-"

"I'll do it myslef." 

"Charlie!"
     "Where's she going?" Ryder asked before I turned the corner.

~Letters~

I gathered everything into my junk food box and left my room. 

"Throughing all of your junk food away?" Ryder asked, as I tossed the box into a dinning hall dumpster.

"What's it to you?"

"I'm worried about you is all." He shurged. "An eating disorder is a big deal."

"And yet you still do it." I shook my head a little. "Just deal with your peoblems and I'll deal with mine."

"See you Mr. Pepper's class!" He called after me.

I shook my head and went to my room. There was another box on the floor with my name on it. It was from my parents. I sighed annoyed and then picked it up. I set it on the bed, and the paced the lenght of my bed.

"Just open it."
I opened the box and gasped. I could of died and went to heaven as I pulled my Ipod out like it was gold. I turned it on, scrowled to the P's and found the song I wanted.

'If I find the ones Who've hurt you I hope god turns away.'

I smiled and shoved it into my pocket. There was a letter from my Mom, and some paper and pens so I could wright her back. I grabbed the note book and a pen and sat on my bed. I turned to a clean page and did something I couldn't do ever since I got here.

*Owen,

A lot has changed since I last wrote to you. Mom and Dad found out I cut so they sent me to this school, where they deal with troubled kids. Stupid right? I've met a girl, yes a girl! Her names Clara, we're not on good trems right now of course but somethings never change right? She has an eating disorder, and everyone is saying I have the starting signs and they all want to help me, but I just want to be left alone. Is that bad?

Remember when you would always ask me if I ever wanted you to beat someone up for me? Now I do, His name is Ryder, and he's just plain annoying. First he wants me to admit to myself I have an eating disorder, then he doesn't want me to imbrace it. So I'm doing a little test. I'm going to throw away all my junk food and just eat the same. If I drop wieght then I will have an eating disorder. But until then I remain unconvinced!

The school is more crazy than I.The teachers are all happy like they're taking the meds themseves. Ha! I'm telling you Owen, the fun we could have in this place together. If only people could talk to ghosts right? Oh well, I guess I'm on my own now. No you, no Clara, or my parents.

I won't give in too soon though. For you. I miss you Owen, and I wish you would get to read this. I still pretend you got shipped off to boarding school. 

-Charlie*

I snapped the book closed as Clara came in. 

"I know your upset at me." I put my note bok in my trunk. "But I can't help you hurt yourslef Charlie, I just can't."

"It's fine." I sat on my bed. "Like I told Ryder, worry about your problems and I'll deal with mine."

"Don't you need a friend?"

"Nope." I shoved in my ear buds grabbed my camera and left the room. 

"Are you locking up?" I asked Mr. Pepper, as I came up on his class.

"I am."

"Dang. Tomorrow then."

"I can trust you with the key." He held it out to me.

"Okay." I took it.

"If any of the other kids in the class want to work here, you can let them in too."

"Thanks Mr. Peper."

"No problem Charlie."

I let myself in and set my backpack down. I developed all my pictures and grabbed the folder I'd need to do my collage. I looked up at a knock on the door to See Ryder. I rolled my eyes and let him in.

"Mr. Pepper said you'd be here."

"If your not going to work you have to leave. You have to work to be in here."

"I just need to talk to you."

"I don't have time. I have to work." I put in my ear bud, and looked up to see him leaving. 

By the time I was done it was time for dinner. I dropped my things off at my room, gave Mr. Pepper the key back and headed to the dinning hall. I grabbed a tray and walked to my table. Clara waved, and then I remembered I was mad at her. I walked by her table and got an empty table by the window. I wasn't hungry so I took my time with sculpting my food to one side of the plate. 

"Done hun?" A nurse asked holding a waiters tray.

"Yes. Thank you." I smiled.

"You made a good dent in your plate."

"Usually do."

"That's a good thing."

She patted my shoulder and left. I put my camera stap around my neck and went to my room. 

"Charlie-"

"Good night, Clara." I turned off my lamp.

~Sleep Tight~

Clara and I walked to the showers in silence. I could tell she wanted to say something but she didn't know how. 

"Are you still mad at me?"

"I needed your help." I set my things down on a bench in front of the shower I was going to use. "And you didn't want to. Friends help each other, and you didn't want to help me."

"Just remember Charlie." She lifted up her shirt to show her sitcking out ribs. "Not every suicide note looks like one." 

She dropped her shirt, grabbed her things and left. A couple seconds later I heard a shower on the other side of the lockers turn on, and then she started humming. I sighed stripped off my clothes and then turned on the shower.

 "Today, "Mr. Pepper said, "We're going to do a project about nature. This Saturday we're going to take a felid trip to the park, Simmer down! Once we're at the park You'll be set free, with your partner and you'll take pictures of what you think your pictures should be of. You're partners will be baced on the same grade range. So Ryder and Charlie will be partners."
Yippy. Everyone looked to the right front half of the room at Ryder's head, then to the back where I sat.

"I'm going to give you the rest of the class to talk with your partners. " Mr. Pepper said, after he paired the rest of the class. "There has to be a total of Tweleve photos. So keep it down, and go see your partners."

Everyone got up and made thier way to their partners. Ryder looked back and I looked out the window. He pulled out the empty chair next to me, and sat down.

"I've been in here for two years, so you'll have to show me where all the good spots are."

"I have a better idea. You take six pictures of flowers and bugs, and I'll do the rest."

"You're still mad."

"Stop talking to me, before I make you depressed."

"We're partners, you have no choice but to talk to me."

"Oh yeah?" I smirked.

I grabbed my things and left the class room.

"Uh Charlie?"

"I have to throw up." I told Mr. Pepper as I passed.

I just turned the corner and I heard the door open and then pounding feet. I plastered myself against the wall, as Ryder ran past me into the first girls bathroom in the hall.

I rolled my eyes and I went to my room. The door was knocked on and then it opened.
     "Hi Charlie." Ms. Sammie said. "Mr. Pepper said that you wheren't feeling well. Is everything alright?"

"Yes. I'm just having trouble with one of the students in my class."

"Do you need to tell someone? Who's the student?"

"It's that Ryder Nicks kid."

"Ah." She nodded. "I'll have Maggie talk to him. That's his nurse. Do you need someone to talk to? I could see if your Doctor is open."

"I'm tired. I think I'll take a nap."

"Alright, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know. Coming to a recovery unit out of the blue can be hard on some people. How are you sleeping at night?"

"Horrible. I barely sleep, and I always wake up with purple bagy eyes."

"Are you taking your sleeping pills?"

"I get sleeping pills?"

"Oh dear."

"What?"

She reached into her apron and gave me a bottel of pills.

"Don't worry," I took the bottel. "I won't tell."

"Good." She smiled. "I could lose my job."

She left the room and I popped the top. What kind of nurse give a bottle of sleeping pills to a crazy kid? I poured some onto my hand. 

"Oh well." I raised my hand. "See you on the flip side, Owen."

I dumped in the pills and took a drink of my water. I took another hand full and tossed the blanket over my head.

 

~Welcome Back~

"What kind of person gives a bottle of sleeping pills to a person in a recovering home?"

"She wasn't in the suicde wing-"
     "It doesn't matter. In order to self harm, you hate yourself. Don't you think She'd kill herself the first time she got! Do you even know how many times a cutter thinks about their death?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Ross, we asure you this will never happen again."

"I could of lost my daughter. I can sue you for this!"

"Mom?" I asked, my voice failing me.

The curtain flew aside and In strode Mom, Dad on her heels.

"Where going to get you out of here." She stroked my head.

"There's a nice recovery unit on the other side of town." Dad nodded.

"No." They looked at each other. "I have a project due. Even thouth I'm mad at Ryder, I can't let him down."

"Ryder." Dad nodded.

"Wait, you met him?" I asked looking past Mom.

"I did."

"We both did. He was worried about you so he went to your room. He knocked on the door and heard someone throwing up. He thought it was your roommate, so he kicked the door down, and saw it was you. He yelled for help, becuase he's seen an over dose before. He picked you up and brought you to the front office where the medics where." Mom smoothed my hair.

"What's that?" I asked.

"What's what?" Dad asked, pulling down his sleeve.

"That." I grabbed his arm, almost knocking mom out of the way to pull up his sleeve. "You cut?"

"I used to."

"That's why we put you here, Charlie." Mom smoothed my hair yet again. "So you wouldn't get as bad as we did."

"But you cut, and you starved, and your better. You know how to take care of me, can't I come home?"

"I thought you said you had a project?" Dad asked.

"I do. But I only brought that up 'cause I don't want to go to another home. My group already knows my story, and I have friends. I only have two, but I have friends now. See look it's Clara!"

I held my arms out and Clara pushed past the male nurses and ran to me giving me a hug.

"Your crazy!" She pulled back.

"I know."

"Insane."

"I know."

"I love you!" She hugged me again.

"I know." I let her hug me. "And my nur-"

"Nows not the time to mention the nurse kid." Dad patted my arm.

Mom took deep breaths.

"We'll make you a deal." Mom said. "We'll take you home, if you want to."

I smiled.
    "But," Dad said as I lost the smile. "You have to make sure you want to come home. You need to talk to Ryder first."

"I can't!"

"You have to Kiddo." Dad said, pulling his hand back. "Until then, you stay."

Mom, Dad and Clara, left the room, and I fell back into my pillows. 

 I was just about to fall asleep when I heard a chair scrape the floor. I opened my eyes and looked over.

"Sorry." Ryder said, slowly sitting down.  

"It's okay."

"Why didn't you talk to me?" He asked. "I've delt with Suicide missions before you know."

"They said you found me?"

"I did, Lying on the floor in your vomit."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes?"

I looked at him. "Why didn't you let me die?"

He swallowed and blinked, then looked down, "Guess I just tought I couldn't lose someone I cared about again." 

I pulled the blanket up more. 

"Charlie." He took my hand, and I let him. " I haven't had a friend in two years. And then this girl comes along, optimistic, with a hint of bitterness. And I wanted to be your friend."

"Why?"

"That's the funny part." He mused with a small smile. "I have no idea."

"My parents said they'd take me home."

He nodded.

"Is that okay?" He looked at me. "If I go home?"

"Sure. Get out while you can."

"So I was thinking that Instead of us working on the project alone we'd do it together."

"Your staying?"

"You touched me when I was covered in puke. We're friends for life now."

"Good. I'd like a friend for life." He then grinned. "We could play dress up."

I laughed, "That would be okay if we where six."

 

 

~Home Sweet Recovery Home~

The Nurse helped me into a wheel chair and Clara pushed me out of the room, and ran me down the hall amost knocking down three nurses, a blood bag cart, and an old man with a cane. 
     "I'm not your roommate anymore by the way."
     "What?" I looked up. "Why? Who is?"

"They moved you to the suicide wing. And everyone over there gets their own room."

"You'll still visit me right?"

"The suicide wing scares me."

"You'll be with me though."

"I'll try okay? If I can get Ryder to walk me down there."

"So Are you friends now?"

"I wouldn't say friends. I'd say Chummy."

"Where is he anyways?"

"He had a meltdown this morning so He had to stay there. They had to sedate him."
    "Well is he okay? Can He have visitors?"

"He's okay, and He'll be out by the time we get there."
     "Okay." Dad said coing over. "All the papers are signed."
     "I'm free?"

"Your free."

He helped me out of the wheel chair and we walked to ther car, where mom had it running. Clara and I got into the back and Dad got into the front. When We got into the Lobby of the school the kids where whispering and looking.
    "Don't let them bother you." Clara muttered.

Ryder moved away from the crowd and pulled me into a hug.

"Stop looking!" He yelled. "You want me to have another melt down?"

With that everyone left.

"You okay?"

"Yes."

Ms. Maggie came into the Lobby, "Hi Charlie, I'm Ms. Maggie, I'm the nurse in the suicide wing. I'll be showing you to your room."

She put her arm around me and led me down the hall. I looked back at Ryder, who was talking to my Parents.

"Now don't worry. We made sure to move all of your things. Your trunk got went through. It had to."

"I understand."

"Then maybe you'll be my easy child."

I smiled.

"Weclome to the suicide wing." A  Seductive female voice said, from behind a cracked bedroom door.

"Where all your nightmares come true."

"That's just Ayelie." Maggie shut the bedroom door. "Don't mind her."

She walked across the hall, and opened the door across from Ayelie's, "This will be your room. You don't get a lock, Checks will be every three hours, and every Sunday you'll have a room check. Your groups are the same, and your One on one with the Doctor will start on mondays. Your Doctor did change along with your wing. You'll still stay in the self harm group, but you'll be with a suicide Therapist."

"Thanks."

"Sure." She nodded and went down the hall.

I went into the room and closed the door. My bedding was on the bed already, along with my things. At least my bedding didn't change. I set the trunk on the floor and took off my shoes. I lifted the padding and there was my blade. They still hadn't found it. Good. I pulled out some paper put in my ear buds and sat on my bed.

*Owen,

I tired it, but it didn't work 'cause I wouldn't be writing this. I Just felt alone. I didn't have anyone, so why be alive you know? Now I feel what you and Lucy felt. I'm not mad at you anymore for killing yourself. I just wish you took me with you. Anyways I made up with Ryder and Clara, but don't worry Owen, Ryder won't take your place.

Not ever, Dude. I found out my Dad used to cut, and my Mom was Anorexic. With every letter I write, it becomes harder to write them. You've been gone for just three months, but I've already wrote nine hunderd letters, and now this one. It's just easier to pretend that your far away, then dead. I don't know, maybe I belong here. I still miss you more than ever,

-Charlie.*

I ripped the letter from the note book and put it in the stack of folded papers I tied together with a ribbon, from my Mom's craft box. I put the stack into my trunk as My door was pounded on. I opened it, and Clara pushed in.
    "Move it." She said, out of breath, "That girl across the hall is crazy."
    "That's just Ayelie. Don't mind her."

"You already made friends?" She plopped down in my desk chair.

"No." I layed down on my bed. "She talked to me."

"Weclome to the suicide wing-"
     "Where all your nightmares come ture." I finished.

There was a knock on the door and then Ryder poked his head in.

"Hey."

"Come in." I waved.

He sat down on my trunk, "You doing okay?"

"Yeah."

"I just wanted to say that I'm three doors down on the left if you need anything."

"Thanks, but you should stay."

"Yeah." Clara said. "We're about to paint our nails."

"I have a camera that needs cleaning." 

He kissed my forehead, "Bye Clara." He waved.

"Bye Ryder." She waved.

We watched him go.

"Well he's sweet."

"Shut up." I tossed a pillow at her.

~Fess up, Love~

"Admit it." 

"Admit what?" I asked, moving my food to one side on my plate.

It was Friday morning and our hair was wet from our showers. Thanks to my suicide attempt, I had a lot of work to catch up on. Good thing I was a bit of a nerd, and loved to learn.

"You like Ryder."

"What?" I asked, looking at her.

"You don't have to lie, we're friends here." She waved a hand back and forth between us.

"They're finally surving strawberry pancakes." Ryder sat down.

Clara and I looked at eachother.

"What's wrong?" He looked up, mouth full of whipped cream and strawberries.

"We didn't see that." I nodded at his plate.

"Oh." He looked down. "It's not like you guys would eat it."

"What does that mean?" Clara asked.

"You're taking bites of your food and then spiting it into your cup, acting like your drinking."

"I am not."

Ryder looked at Clara's cup as she did. Ryder reached for the cup and Clara grabbed it off the table.

"Thought so." He said. "And Charlie is moving everything to the side of her plate like she always does. Hope you guys pass weight."

"Why?" I looked at Clara.

She narrowed her eyes at Ryder, "If you don't meet a certain wieght, they take you to the hospital, and they tube feed you."

"Yikes." I looked at my plate.

"Tell me Ryder," Clara smiled. "How does getting a tube crammed down your throat feel?"

They both narrowed their eyes, and I grabbed my bag.

"Where you going?" Clara asked.

"I don't like fighting."

"You fought with us they day you got here." Ryder said.

"Yeah, you did." Clara agreed.

"And I'm fighting with you now."

"Charlie wait!" Clara said.

I walked back to my room and grabbed my camera and then walked to my first class.

 "No one want's to start?" Group leader asked, as she looked around. "What about you Charlie. I'm sure everyone is interested in your Hospital visit."

"That's none of their bussiness, and I feel targeted."

"At least your using your words." She said. "I can keep you here all night, and you can miss game night if you'd like."

"Game night?" I asked.

"Every friday they toss all the kids into the dinning hall for game night. You play games or watch a movie in the play room. You want to paint a picture? Hey, head on down to the art room. Music rooms open, but space is small-"

"Thank you." Group leader stood up. "Sit down Ayelie."

So this was Ayelie. Black hair, black sweat shirt, and dark blue jeans. She whistled and pointed, and the kid sitting next to me, ran across the circle to sit by Clara. Ayelie sat down in the chair next to me.

"Hey, kid." She nodded.

I nodded back.

"Nice of you to finally join us Ayelie."

"Yeah, well apperanty if you miss to many of these group things people start to worry about you, and you get more time with the Doc." She tapped my arm. "What's your name."

"Leave Charlie alone Ayelie."

"Charlie." Ayelie smiled. "I like it. Perhaps You want to come with me to game night?"

"Out Ayelie now." Group leader pointed.

"Whatever Barbra." She smiled at me. "Catch you later Charlie. I'll be in the music room. Come early, so you know you get a spot. If you want." 

She looked over at Clara and Ryder, and snorted.

"See you hot stuff." She nodded at Ryder and then left.

After group everyone piled into the hall. 

Clara grabbed my arm, "Your not really going to hang out with Ayelie are you?"

I yanked free and saw Ayelie by a row of lockers talking to a girl and three guys. I left Calra and stood beside Ayelie.

"Oh." Ayelie looked at me. "This is Alen, He has Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder . Daniel, is our own little Avoidant Personality Disorder champ. Litlle Miss Ava is our Queen Histrionic Personality Disorder. Alex  has deperssion, but don't let that fool you! and I Ayelie." She bowed, "Am skitzofrantic."

"Hey." I nodded. "Charlie, Cutter, suicidal, and proabal eating disorder."

"We should get going if we want to get a spot." Ava said.

She grabbed Alen's hand and walked down the hall. Alex slowly followed them.

"Ladies?" Daniel said, holding his elbows up.

"Such a gentleman." Ayelie said, taking his arm.

I took his other arm, and he led the way to the music room.

~The memories of a life forgotten~

It was Saturday morning and I was sitting with Ayelie, under an oak tree, in the garden. She blew O's with her cigarette.

"What's wrong with you?" She nodded at me, as I grabbed my stomach.

"I'm hungry."

"Lunch is in two hours." She took a hit.

"Doesn't matter."

"Want a hit?" She held out the smoke. "It curbs your hunger."

I took the cigarette and took a hit. She shook her head when I tried to hand it back to her, as she pulled out another one from her pocket and lit up.

"Isn't this the life?" She asked me. "Sharing a smoke with a friend."

"Friend." I shook my head, and leaned against the tree.

She watched me take another hit, "Well, for us anyways."

I blew the smoke out, "Us?"

"The CK's. The crazy kids." She gave me her sly smile.

I nodded and took another hit.

"Who, whoa, whoa, Put the smoke low."

I lowered the smoke just above the grass.

"I knew I'd find you out here." Ava said, coming around the brick wall.

"God damn, girl!" Ayelie gave her a smoke. "Damn gave us a heart attack."

"Sorry," She gave Ayelie back her lighter. "Hey." She nodded at me.

I put up a peace sign.

"So what are we doing today?" Ava asked. "Any plans."

"What is there to do on a Saturday?" Ayelie laughed.

"Shit." I got up.
    "What's wrong?" Ava asked.

"I have this feild trip thing."
    "Charlie!" Ayelie called.

I turned around and she pointed at my hand. I flicked the smoke at her and she caught it. I ran to the lobby where Mr. Pepper was taking roll call.

"Sorry!" I slid across the well waxed floors.

"Nice of you to join us." He said, "Everyone in a line, and We'll walk out to the bus. Everyone will sit with their partner no if ands or butts."

"Hey." Ryder muttered getting in line behind me.

I rolled my eyes, and the line moved. Once everyone was off the bus they ran all over the park. I guess being locked up for so long makes you act like a five year old.

"Mr. Pepper?" I caught up with him.

"Oh, Charlie." He smiled down at me. "You used to live around here right?"

"Yes, but-"

"So that means you know the woods. Don't let the others see you sneaking off. I can't wait to see what you come up with. Megan!"

I slipped into the woods, and climbed the big rocks. Once I was at the top, I looked down onto the river. I found it with Owen of course. We used to swim in it. I took a couple of pictures, and then climbed down the rocks. I jumped over the rocks that were stuck in the rivers' floor, to cross the river. I looked back to make sure no one was following me and then went deeper into the woods.

I went to the tree. It was a tall thick tree, that Owen and I used to go to. The middel was carved out, so we could sit in the middel of the tree. One time for my fourteenth birthday we ran away from home to spend the night there. I went to the tree the mornig after Owen killed himself, thinking my parents where lying and I'd find him there. But our tree was no longer standing.

I took some pictures of that, then some pictures, of the old tree house we found. Ever since I fell through the floor boards and broke my arm, we never went up there again. Owen carried me through the woods, over the river, and over the big rocks to where our parents where eating lunch. I took a few of the Bear sctarched tree, and then a few of the pound before heading back. 

"Okay Everyone!" Mr. Pepper called, as I came through the woods. "Let's start to wrap it up alright? Once back at school, you can use my room to develop the pictures.

 "I saw you going into the woods." Ryder said, as I set down the picture of the river.

He picked it up, "This reallly good."

I took it from him and put it with the others.

"Can I get yours please?" I asked. "I have a board in my room."

He handed them over, "Maybe we should work on this together?"

"I don't really like strangers in my room. Thanks." I lifted his pictures, and then left the room.

 

 

~Nothing lasts forever~

"What did he say?" Ayelie asked.
She was leaning against the wall as I came out of My Therapists office for the frst time.

"He said a bunch of how does that make you feel, and then when we where done, he cut my visits to only Thursdays."

"That's good!" 

"Really?"

"Yeah, everyone in the suicide wing has to go every day." She grabbed my arm. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah  why?"

"You just tipped over. Like you lost your blance or something."

"I'm fine, Really."

"Your not eating are you?" She asked, pulling me to a bench.

I waited until a nurse passed, and then shook my head.
    "If I can't control my suroundings, I can at least control what I look like."

"Look, this is the first stage of your body failing you." She took my hands. "Please, Eat at dinner."

I shook my head.
    "Please, Charlie." She gripped my hands tighter. "Just eat half of a half of your plate. I can't lose you too."

"What-"
She got up and ran down the hall. 

I cut my plate in half as my group sat down. 

"Hey." Ava smiled, bumping my shoulder. 

"Hey." I smiled back. 

I cut the left half in have and took a bite, then looked up at Ayelie.
She nodded, then mouthed Thank you.

I nodded back and took a bite. Once back in my room I did twenty jumping jacks. For every two jumping jacks you lose a calorie. Yes I did look this up, becuase I was thinking of going on a diet. An enevlope slid under the door, and I picked it up. When I saw who it was from I ripped it open and plopped on my bed.

* Hey love!

Your Dad says hi. It's a little lonely without you here. It feels...empty somehow. Let me know how everythings going? How's Ryder and Clara? Are you feeling any different? Just say the word and Dad will come and get you. 

Promise. Your Dad has a big work project to do. You know the one he really wanted? Well he got it! And know it's hard to get him to eat my raost sandwitches. If He keeps this up, you'll have to share your bed. Just wanted to let you know you have suport on this end, when ever you are ready to come home.

If you want to stay, good for you! We still suport you. Write me back sometime okay? We got news of our family vist day. Sunday at noon. We love you!

Mon and Dad.*

I smiled wrote her a quick letter, and put it in the mail box.

"There you are Charlie. It's time for your Wieght." Maggie said.

"Oh. Um, okay."

"Follow me."

I followed her down the hall and into the nurses room. 

"Shoes off, and then hop on."

I took off my shoes and then got on.

"That's strange." She said, hitting the scale.

"What's wrong?"

She turned a page in the folder she held.

"Oh." She looked at me.
     "What?"

"Go ahead and put your shoes on Charlie." She shut the folder. "Have a seat in the chair."

Five minutes later a woman came in.
    "Hi Charlie." She smiled and sat down.

"Hi."

"I'm Dr. Morren. How are you eatting?"

"Fine."

"I'm the therapist for the eating disorder wing. Your eating isn't fine Honey." She took my hand. "You've lost seven pounds since you've been here."

"I have?" My eye's widened.

"Yes."
    "I'm just stressed out."

"Okay." She smiled. "I'm going to have you come see me on Tuesdays, and set up your weight check for every Monday. How are you sleeping?"

"Sleep?" I snorted.

"Okay, well we'll get you back on one sleeping pill per night okay?"

I nodded.

"Okay." She gave me a pill." Take it here." 

She handed me a little cup of water and I took the pill.

"This will help me sleep, right?" I asked, handing her the cup and wiping my mouth.

"Yes."

"Thanks."

"Head on to bed Sweety." She touched my cheek.

On the way too my room I ran into Ryder who grabbed my arm.
    "Ow." I pulled away.

"Sorry." He muttered. "I just wanted to know how you were."

"Dropped seven pounds. Happy?"

"No." He grabbed my wrist. "Are you okay?"

"Peachy."

"We used to talk."

"Nothing lasts forever." I took my wrist back. "Gotta go, my sleeping pill is kicking in."

 

~Everything is gonna be cool~

"I had wieght today." Daniel said at lunch.

"Me too." Alen nodded. "I lost a pound."

"I had wieght yesterday." I said, without thinking.

"You lose or gain?" Ava asked.

Everyone looked at me, and waited.

"I lost." I looked down, and moved my food to all one side of my plate, cause I was done eating my small half. "I lost seven pounds since I've been here."

"God damn girl eat!" Daniel said, making a few tables look at us.

"Daniel." Alex shook his head.

"Oh." Daniel looked down. "Sorry Charlie. I really didn't mean it like that. If I hurt your feelings or damaged yourself esteem in anyway, I'm really sorry."

"I forgive you Daniel." I nodded.
He dug his fork into his food and took a bite, "Sometimes I just talk without thinking."

"My Mom calls it not having a filter." I said.
He laughed a little. The bell rang and I went to history with Alen.

"Can I ask you somthing?" 

"Shoot." He said, tossing a ball of paper into a trash can. 

It hit the brim and then fell in.

"Something happened to me, and Ayelie was there."
     He sighed, "You lost your balance in front of her and she freaked."

I nodded, "Why?"

"Her sister had a really bad eating disorsder." He paused holding up his arm to protect me from the passing nurses with a cart. "She was suposed to be here, but the night before she was suposed to be here, she died, from not eating. She didn't kill hreself, she thought it was a cowards excape, and her parents didn't tell her she was coming here. Three months later Ayelie showed up with a type of schizophrenia that is brought on by a Traumatic happening." 

 We took our seats at the back of the class, as the teacher hit his desk a couple of times to get everyone's attention. All I could think about was poor Ayelie, and How I had to start taking note of what upset her, and hide it from her.  I had to take a note from Clara and spit the food into a cup after I took the bite.

After my last class I made my way to Dr. Morren's office. I sat down in the over stuffed chair as She sat down in her office chair.

"So, how are you?"

"Fine."
She noddded, "What did you eat for lunch?"

"The main dish they served."

Again she nodded, "And how much did you eat?"

"Enough to get me full."

She sat back in her chair, and looked me over.

"What?" I asked.

"I want you to have dinner with me."

"Excuse me?"

"I want you to get your dinner and bring it to my office. We'll eat together."

"I usually eat with my friends."

"Some of your friends have come to me worrying about your eating habbits."

"Who?" I demanded. "Ayelie?"

"I promised I would keep all of their names quite."

"All?" I asked. "It was Clara, Ryder, and Ayelie wasn't it?"

She just looked at me.
    "Wasn't it?" I hit the desk.
     "Take a breather Charlie."

"Who came to you?" I stood up.
    "Have a seat, Charlie."

I opened the office door hard enough to make it hit the wall, and headed to the lounge. Ayelie and Ava sat on one side of the couch and Ryder and Clara sat on the otherside of the couch.
     "Who did it?" I demanded.
     "What?" Ayelie looked over at Ryder and Clara.
     " Who talked to that fucking Doctor about me?" I demanded.

"Calm down Charlie, you're going to want to trust me on this one." Ryder slowly got up.

"I want to know who fucking told her and I want to know right the fuck now!"

"It was me!" Ava Blurted.

"Why would you do that?"

"I had my reasons."

I walked over to her, but a male nurse grabbed me and pinned my arms behind my back.
    "Get the fuck off of me!" I kicked, making another one grabb my legs.

I moved around trying to get free. They took me to the ground and My shirt was yanked up.

"What the fuck!" I yelled, and then my body went slack.

I just layed there letting them put me in a straight jacket. One of the male nurses picked me up bridal style and left the lounge, with a couple of Nurses trying to calm everyone down. 

The took me too a cell room and layed me on a bed. They took off the straight jacket and strapped my wrists and ankels to the bed.

"Wait for the sedative to wear off and then see if She has calmed down." Dr. Morren said.

A sheet was placed over me, and then everyone left the cell, the heavy metal padded door banging shut. I closed my eyes and thought of a happy place. My fourteenth birthday. I snuck out with Owen and met him at the tree. For my birthday, I wanted to spend the night in the tree. We didn't count on the weather being so cold, and Owen held me the whole night to keep me warm. I soon drifted off to sleep, and woke when the door opened.

"How do you feel?" Dr. Morren asked.

"Fuck you." I muttered.

Flipping her off was a little hard becuase my wrist was still strapped to the bed.

"Still a little mad I see. Do you need another shot?"

"I need you to kill yourself so I can fucking get on with my life!" I spat at her. "Oh my god I'm sorry." I shook my head mouth open. "I didn't mean it, it just came out."

She sat on my bed, "I'm going to ask you something, Charlie. I need you to be honest with me. Do you ever feel like someones trying to get you? Like hurt you?"

"Sometimes." I looked out the bar covered window.

"I'm going to call a meeting with your parents. If your calm now, I'd like you to come to my ofice, so you can take a writen test. Can you do that?"

I nodded.

"James." She said, getitng up.

A male nurse unstrapped me from the bed and I followed Dr. Morren down the hall. She set me up with the test and left the room.

 

 

~Crazy after all~

I was sandwitched between both of my parents in Dr. Morrens office.

"I'm Dr. Jones." A man said coming to take Dr. Morren's seat. "I met with your parents already Charlie."

I nodded.
    "Based on what your parents have told me, and on your test results, I think I can diagnose you. It's called  Schizoaffective disorder, and it's the depressive type."

"Excuse me?" Mom asked.
    "What does that mean?" Dad asked, putting a hand on mine.

"It means I'm crazy."

"No." Mom shook her head, at me.

"It's a mental disorder characterized by disordered thought process called psychosis and abnormal  emotions called mood disorder." Dr. Jones folded his hands on the desk. "Common symptoms of psychosis include auditory hallucinations, paranoid delusions, and disorganized speech and thinking."
    "What can we do?" Dad asked.

"Some recreational and prescription drugs may cause or worsen symptoms." Dr. Jones said.
   "I'm not taking pills." I shook my head. "I have to learn to deal with this on my own. I can't depend on pills."

"The average life expectancy of people with the disorder is shorter than those without it, due to an increased suicide rate." Dr. Jones said.

Mom looked at me, "Is there anything we can do at all?"

"The mainstay of current treatment is antipsychotic  medication combined with mood stabillizer medication or antidepressant medication, or both. There is growing concern by some researchers that antidepressants may increase psychosis, mania, and long-term mood episode cycling in the disorder. When there is risk to self or others, usually early in treatment, brief hospitalization may be necessary." Dr. Jones said.

I got up, and headed to the door.

 "Charlie-"
     "I can't hear anymore." I cut Dad off. 

I went to my room, and that's where I stayed for the next two weeks, taking my classes, meals, wieght, and Doctor visits. No more group, No more friends, no more normal.

~Your not fooling anyone~

I dropped off my Project with Mr. Pepper and then went back to my room. There was a bottle of blue nail polish on my desk. I picked it up, and then picked up the note.

* You need to start using this. Your nails are turning purple from lack of nutrients. People will start to notice, like everyone who has an eating disorder in this school. You're not fooling anyone Charlie. This will help. I know how things get.

-C*

I plopped down on the bed shaking the bottle. I painted my nails and then left my room.

"Nice to see you around." Maggie winked at me.

I opened the door to the group therapy room. Everyone looked at me as I slowly shut the door. 

"Charlie." Barbra said. "Nice of you to join us."

"I just wanted to give Clara something."

"Well why don't you sit down. You don't have to talk."

The only empty seat was by Ava. Ayelie got up and sat next to Ava. Her seat wasn't much better. It was between Clara and Ryder. I walked over and sat down. 

"Now," Barbra smiled, at the group.
I slipped thenail polish to Clara, who slipped it into her boot. Once group was over I went back to my room again. I opened my door at a knock. It was Ryder.

"What?"

"Some of the Doctor's think you need someone to talk to."

"So they sent you." I laughed once. "You wouldn't understand."

"Why? Cause I don't cut myself?" He asked, pulling up his sleeve to show off scars. " 'Cause I'm not suicdal?" He looked up, showing a scar on his neck. " Maybe it's 'case I don't have an eating disorder?" He lifted his shirt, showing each and every perfectly showing rib, and his hip bones.

I looked down and he put down his shirt and pulled down his sleeve.

"I'm on your side Charlie. Everything you're going through I went through too."

"Your best friend didn't kill themself."

"Want to bet?" He asked, crossing his arms. "I'm here so you can talk to someone. Anyone. Someone Who you know, " He counted it off on his fingers. "Someone that has been there, and someone who won't think your crazy."

"Well are you going to come in or not?" I asked, opening the door a little wider.

He smiled, and came in.

"So, this is what the cave of Charlie looks like." He looked around.

"Not very impressvie is it?" I sat on my bed.

"I like it." He sat on my trunk. "So what's up?"

"Nothing." I got under the blanket.

"Come on." He said, sitting on the edge of my bed. "You've been locked in your room for almost half a month. Something has to be going on inside that beautiful head of yours."

"I lost sixteen pounds since I've been here." I said, playing with a corner of the blanket.

"I wasn't going to say anything but I've noticed."

I nodded, "And Dr. Jones said what I have."

"And?"

"And It's stupid. I am crazy after all."

"We're all damaged in our own way. Nobody's perfect. I think we're all somewhat screwy. Every single one of us."

"Johnny Depp." I nodded.

"So?"

"It's called schizoaffective disorder, depressive type."

He nodded and then grabbed my face so I had to look at him, "You are not crazy. Your not wierd. Your you, with quirks. Everyone has them. Everyone has to work through them. And together," He took my hand, "We can get out of here. Get a house on the beach, not come out of it forever. Hire someone to do our shopping."

I laughed.

"Clara can come too, if you'd like her there."

"I just want to be normal again." I sighed.

“I was always fascinated by people who are considered completely normal, because I find them the weirdest of all.” 

"Okay, Johnny Jr."

He smiled, "So what do you say, want to come out of your room?"

"We have to talk." Clara shut the door, and walked over to me. "Someone named Owen just got here."

"And?" I asked.

"His name is Owen Patterson. Ring a bell at all?"

 

~Back from the Dead~

I flung off the blanket and ran to the door, but Clara blocked me.

"He lost his memories. He only knows his name. He won't know you." Clara warned me.

"I just have to see him." I opened my door.

Nurse Maggie was walking down the hall with a guy.

"Nurse Maggie?" I called.

Her and the boy turned. It was Owen, and my heart caught. I thought I saw a flash of hope in Owen's eyes, but then it was gone as quickly as it came.

"Charlie!" Maggie waved. "Come over here."

I slowly walked over, leaving Ryder and Clara by my door. Ayelie's door cracked open and she peaked out an eye.

"This is Owen."

"I know." I said.

"Wait you know him?" Maggie asked.

"Yes." I nodded. "I remember him."

"You remmeber me!" He grabbed my arms. "Do you?"

"Owen." Maggie touched his arm and he let me go.

"How?" Owen asked.

"You're suposed to be dead."

"Charlie!" Maggie said.

"Let her talk." Owen crossed his arms, and nodded.

"I'm Charlie Ross. We grew up together. Your older sister killed herself and then seven months later, your Mom called my Mom saying you had killed yourself. I went to your funeral, Owen."

"But I'm alive."

"I know." I brushed my cheek with the back of my hand, and then smiled. "It's really good to see you. Even if you don't remember me."

"I'm sorry." He pulled me into a hug. "Maybe I'll remember you soon, " He pulled back. "You seem like a really good friend."

"I'll be here for anything you need." I nodded.

"We need to get going Owen." Maggie touched his shoulder.

Owen dropped his hands from my arms.

"See you around charlie." Owen said.
I watched him walk down the hall and then turned around. Ayelie was all the way out of her room now, leaning agaisnt the wall.

"So that's the Mysterious best friend." She said.

"Thats him." I nodded, walking to my room. "I'll see you guys later. I need to sleep."

They all hugged me and then I went into my room. I opened the top drawer to my dresser and pulled out a black rag. I shut the door and grabbed my shoe. I got the blade from under the padding, put the shoe back and then plopped on my bed. I set the rag on my leg, liffted up my sleeve, and touched the cold blade to my skin. I took in a breath and then pressed down. After four cuts I grabbed the rag and pressed it to my arm.

I stopped the bleeding, and then went to the first aid box on the wall. I patched up my arm, and then crawled into bed.

 

 

~Unwanted Truth~

It was midnight when my light was flipped on. I rolled over to the door and saw Owen.

"Oh, Hey." I said getting up. 

Owen hurried over to me and grabbed me in a hug, picking me up off the floor.

"I missed you Charlie Rose." He whispered.

I pulled away, "You remember me?"

"I never forgot you."

"Wait what?" I narrowed my eyes. "You let me think you where dead! Let me think you forgot about me!"

"Calm down." He said. "I can explain."

"I don't want you to. I want you to leave me alone, and never talk to me again."

"You sure?" He muttered.

"It's what I want." I said, teeth clenched.

"Okay." He nodded. "Just tell me one thing. How have you been?"

I walked to the chest and grabbed the stack of letters.

"They're all to you." I said, my voice sounding like I had a sore throat. I nodded and bit my lip as he took them. "Goodbye Owen."

"Fair well, Charlotte." He kissed my forehead and then left my room.

I pulled on my shoes and walked down the hall to the front office. I pulled a phone from a hook and sat down in the booth. 

"Hello?" 
    "Mom?" I asked. "I want to come home."

She laughed, "You're possitive?"

"This is what I want."

"Your Dad will be there first thing in the morning."

"Thank you."

"Are you alright Charlie?"

"No." I shook my head, even though she couldn't see. "But I'll explain everything once I'm at home."

"I love you sweat heart."

"I love you too Momma."

"Goodbye honey." 

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and left the booth. I grabbed my suit case and set it on my bed.

"Going home?"

I tossed in a shirt, "I can't stay here anymore."

"Why?"

"Becuase he's here."

"He doesn't remember you."

"Yes he does." I turned to Ryder. "He remembers me. He lied."

"So your just going to leave?" He asked. "Just like that?"

"Yeah." I turned to my suitcase. "No use in being here anymore. I can deal with this on my own."

"No you can't." He sat on my chest. "You know you can't."

"You don't know what I know."

"I know your giving up."
    "What else is new?"

"Your giving up on other people this time."

"The only way I'll give up is if I'm dead."

"You'll be back." 

"I know."

"See you when you come back."

I turned around as he stood up.

"See you then." I muttered.

He kissed my forehead and then left the room.

I slammed a pair of pants in the suitcase and then sat down, legs to my chest. This was for the best. I wasn't going to be able to heal here with Owen walking the halls. I shoved the suitcase onto the floor and tossed the covers over my head. The next morning I quickly packed everything. I walked to my desk, and fell. I grabbed onto my desk and looked behind me. An envelope was still sliding across the hardwood floor.

I picked it up.  To the old Charlotte Rose, it said. I shoved it into my suitcase, and left the room. 

"We'll miss you around here." Maggie said as I walked through that hall.

I gave her a hug and then went to the front office. I sat down in a chair and waited for my Dad. I heard running feet and looked down the hall. Ayelie and Clara where running down the hall. I stood up, and Ayelie chrashed into me. I wrapped one arm around her, just as Clara slammed into us both.

"Your leaving?" Clara asked, when they pulled back.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Cause of him." Ayelie said. "Owen."

"Yeah, he never forgot me."

"He lied?" Clara asked. "We should tell someone."

"No."

"Why not?" Ayelie asked. "Becuase of him we have to suffer and lose our best friend? That's not fair too us."

"I'll still be around."

"Girls, you need to get to class." The front office woman said.

"Bye." Clara said, hugging me.

Ayelie hugged me next, "Don't starve yourself."

"Don't Kill yourself."

We hugged again and then she hurried down the hall head down. The front door opened and Dad walked in. I ran to him, and he grabbed me in a hug. 

~Into the Darkness~

"Charlie!" Mom dropped the pan she had just grabebd from the cupboard.

I ran to her and we hugged. She kissed my head a couple of times and gave me a tighter hug.

"I'm so glad your back." She smoothed my hair, "Look at all this hair!"

I laughed.

"Should I take this up stairs?" Dad asked.

"I'll do it." I said, taking my suitcase "I missed my room."

I left the kitchen and went up stairs. I took a deep breath in the hall and opened the door. My room was the same way as it was before. I set my suitcase on the bed, and went to the window. I lifted the seat but it didn't move. It was always a little hard to open it, but now it was hard. I got on my knees and pushed it up.

It didn't move. Did I lose all my musle when I was gone? I did it one last time and it opened. I picked up one of the plastic boxes and popped off the top. I looked at a bunch of papers all sizes. I picked one off the top, and turned it over. 

*One cut, two cut, three cut, more, you'll never understand but you do it more. Cover it up with long sleeves, Cover it up with guilty pleas. You promise to stop, but never come through, my oh my, what has happened to you?*

I put it back int the box and picked up another paper.

*Silly little girl, don't fool yourself, they've seen your scars just don't want to help. Little do they know how much could change with three little words, "Are you okay?"*

I picked up another one, 

*Hush little baby don't you cry don't you cut your arms don't you say goodbye, put down your razor put down that knife it may be hard but you'll win this fight!*

There was a knock on the door and I dropped the box. The door opened and Mom rushed in. 

"I'm fine. I dropped a box."

"Alright." She smiled. "Your door is unlocked. You okay?"

"I don't have a lock on my door at school so I guess I just forgot to lock it." I looked down at the box, and the spilled papers.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to help with dinner. I know you don't really like cooking-"
    "I'll help you."

"Really?"

"Yep. How about I cook dinner tonight?"

"Alright, Is there anything you need from the store? I can go and pick it up really quick. Your Dad has to go to the work-out store next door anyways."

"I'll go."

"You will?"

"Yep. Just let me clean this up, change, write a list and I'll be down stairs."

"Alright then."
I bent down to pick up the papers.

"You said you'd tell me what happened to make you come home?"

"And I will." I smiled up at her. "When we're shoping for bell peppers."

"Okay." She smiled.

I looked back down.

"Charlie, honey." I looked up to see her looking down. "I don't know how touchy of a subject this is for you." 

I shoved the box under my bed and walked to her.
    "What is it?" I asked, taking her hands. "You can ask me anything."

She gripped my hands in her cold ones, "You've lost wieght."

"Oh yeah." I looked down at myself. "It's nothing to worry about. I'm fine, I just cut out all the junk food I was eating. I was eating a lot. How come you never told me I was fat?"

"I would never say that!" She was apaulled. "Even if you where! My momther said that to me, and I developed an eating disorder to please her."

"Well, I'm fine."

"Okay."

I let go of her hands and walked to my bag. She smiled at me and then left my room. I got dressed and made a list. I grabbed the money from my top drawer and went down stairs. I was saving the money for a really good camera case but that would have to wait.

"Ready?" Dad asked.

"Yep." I gave him a high five as I got off the last step. 

Dad went right to the junk foods and cakes, while Mom and I went to the veggi's.

"So?"

"Do you remember Owen?"

"That's why you left?"

"You know?" I asked stopping the cart.

"His Mom called me late last night and told me the news. I was going to tell you but when you called you said you where coming home, and I was so excited that it slipped my mind."

"He didn't lose his memories." I said pushing the cart.

"But the Doctors-"

"Owen lied. Only I know, and My friends."

"We have to tell his Mom so Owen can get the right treatment."

"You go ahead." I picked up a pepper.

"What's wrong?"

"He knew who he was all the time, and he let me think he was dead."

"I know where your coming from." Mom stopped me from moving forward. "But right now you have to put aside your anger to help him."

"He didn't put aside whatever he was feeling to stop by and say hey, I'm still alive by the way."

"Youre being selfish when a friend needs your help."

"He's no friend of mine." I tossed the list into the cart. "I'm done here."

"Charlie, wait!"

I walked over to the work out store. 

"Welcome to Work-it hard!" A gril behind the desk said.

"Yeah, yeah." I muttered.

I looked around for Dad but coulding't find him. I got what I needed and walked to the car. Dad was sitting on the trunk of the car with a blonde haired girl sharing Ice cream. She laughed, and then they kissed.

"I'm going to warn you one time you ugly skank mother fucker. He has a family, okay? A family who just got back together!"

"Charlie-"
    "Is this becuase of me?" I asked, cutting him off. "Becuase I went to a crazy house? I'm not mad!"

"Charlie, things just have been bad between us."

"I don't care! You work it out!"

"Your mother shouldn't know about this." He said as The blonde jumped off the hood and then ran to a red car. "It's just better that way."

"Better for who?" I demanded and walked away.

"Charlie!" He called after me. 

I used my key to get into the house. I went to the home gym, ripped my clothes off and got onto the tread mill. If I told Mom I would be the reason our family fell apart, and If I didn't she wouldn't forgive me. Either way my relationship with one of my parents would be lost. But Dad Cheated. I got out of the shower when My door was knocked on. 

"What?" I asked.
      "Would you like to still cook dinner?"

"No. I'm not hungry."

And then it hit me. I knew how I was going to get them back together. I could weave them back together by hurting myself. It was worth it.

"It's not good to starve yourself Charlie."

"I'm not starving myself." I said, tossing my towle onto my desk chair. "I'm tired of everyone thinking that. Maybe I just don't feel like eating, or I feel sick."

"Charlie, I know your mad at me for what I said about Owen."

"I don't care." I said, glaring at the door. "Go ahead and tell his Mom.  But I won't."

"He needs your help." 

I turned on some music and turned up the volume. I forgot how good my speakers where.

~Joy to the world~

I changed into my work out clothes and grabbed my Ipod.

"Your Mom said you skipped dinner." Dad said, as he walked with me to the home gym.

"You would of known that if you came home. You with blondy?" I asked, getting on the tread mill.

"Did you eat?" He asked. "It's not good to run on an empty stomach."

"I wouldn't try to play Daddy if I where you."

I put in my ear buds, and turned up the speed. He left the gym and I upped the speed some. After my shower I came down for a water bottle.

"I'm making salad for lunch. Lots of fresh berries." Mom said.

I grabbed a water, popped off the top, and drank half of it.

"You want juice for lunch?"

"Not hungry."

"You need to eat something." Dad said, from the table.

How did I not notice him there before? 

"No."
    "Yes." He stood up.

"No." I crossed my arms.

"Then your going back to the school."

I chucked my bottle across the room, "I thought you'd never fucking offer!"

"Let's just think this through." Mom said as Dad walked over to me.

"She needs to eat. That's all there is too it."

"She's not going to eat if you give out negitive energy."

"This isn't one of your yoga classes, this is our daughter!"

"I know that, don't you think I'm trying?" She yelled. "I'm making healthy foods so she can see there's not so many bad calories. You yelling at her is making her go back into her old moods!"

"She needs to eat or she'll die!" He yelled. "So you think it's okay for her to not eat then!"

"I never said it was okay to not eat!"

"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" I screamed making them look at me. "You need to fix yourselfs before you try to fix me!"

"Charlie." Mom said, as I left the room.

I ran upstairs and slammed my door. I plopped on my bed and listened.

"This is your fault!" Mom yelled.
    "Mine!"

"I could of talked her into eating lunch. I was the one who had an eating disorder not you!" She screamed. "When she starts to show issues in the cutting department then you can come in and deal with it how you want. I don't want her to die from not eating, that's why you need to let me fucking deal with this!"

"I'm just saying she needs to eat."

"Of course she fucking does! Soon she'll wither away, and if you keep fucking yelling at her, she'll stop eating and die. Do you want that!"

There was silence and then the front door slammed. Okay, so My plan to starve wasn't working so well, but I did find out one thing. I needs to break my Dad first. I walked over the the bench grabbed my box and sat on my bed. I popped the top and smelt rust. I inhaled, the familiar smell. I yanked up my sleve, and grabbed a blade.

All the confusion, and stress was too soon be on my arm. There was a knock on my door, but this time I didn't jump at my parents almost finding out I cut. This time I was numb. I simpliy set down the blade like it was glass, and grabbed a rag. 

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?" Mom asked.

"I'm alright."

"Can I come in?"

"That's not the best right now. I need to be alone."

"Are you sure that's what you really need right now?"

"Yes Mother." I flipped the rag over and pressed it down.  "It's what I need."

"Well would you like to come down and help with dinner in an hour?"

"I'll let you do your thing."

"Okay." She said. "Your father just doesn't understand."

"I know. He will soon though."

"He will, baby girl."

I grabbed the brown bottle from my box and went to the bathroom, I took off the top, and let the clear lquid pour over my arm. It fizzed white, and then I pressed another rag to it. Once dry I pulled my sleeve down. I put my box away and crawled under the covers. When I woke up I grabbed my alarm clock. I missed dinner, and breakfast and lunch. I walked down to the kitchen and sat down at the table. It was set for dinner. 

"Can you pass the rolls?" I asked.

Mom gave me the rolls.

"What happend to your arm!"

"What's wrong with my arm?" I asked.

"Who's giving out negitive energy now?" Dad asked. "Why'd you do it?" He nodded at my arm.

"Personal reasons." I pulled down my sleeve.

"Personal reasons?" Mom snorted. "You ned to stop that. It's trash."

"Enough." Dad said.

"Just how starving yourself is trashy?" I demanded, and tossed down my napkin. "I'm suddenly not hungry."

I went to my room and grabbed my suitcase. I opened my door and looked at my parents.

"You packed that fast?" Dad asked.
    "I never unpacked." I said, switching hands. "Look, I need to be in a place full of suport. This is not it. Mom yells for my cutting, and Dad yells for my not eating. The only place I have ever felt like I belong, is with my firends. At Hope Academy. I'm going back. I'll ride a bus." I walked between them.
     "I'll drive you." Dad said.
I turned around.

Mom sighed and tossed up her hands. "I guess I'm coming too."

The school was well lit from windows inside.
     "Should we come in?"

"Don't bother." I got out, and ran up the steps.

"Charlie." Dr. Morren smiled, and pulled me in for a hug. "Your back."

"I was just in a place where I wasn't understood. So I asked to come back."

"Well you did the right thing. Your room is still the way you left it. If you hurry you can catch the last ten minuets of group if you'd like."

"Thank you." I hugged her and then walked down the hall. 

I set my bag on the bed and walked down to group.

"Anyone else want to read their poem?" Barbra asked. "Just a simple poem that shows how the Mirror makes you feel."

"Mirror, mirror on my wall I just want to be thin, pretty and tall." Everyone looked at me. "Mirror, mirror if I change my hair maybe someone will start to care? Mirror, mirror if I starve myself, at least I'll be beautiful, forget my health. Mirror, mirror if I cut my wrist will I feel like I exist? Mirror, mirror don't you see? What you show is ruining me."

"Very good, Charlie." Barbra smiled.

I sat down in the only empty seat Between Ryder and Clara. Ayelie sat on the other side of Clara.

"Okay, looks like group is up. See you all next time."

"You came back!" Clara hugged me.

"Yeah, I just didn't have a good suport team back home."

"It's good to have you back." Ryder hugged me next.

"Did you lose more weight while you where gone?" Ayelie asked.
    "No." I shook my head.

"I can see it here." Clara touched my waist with both hands.

"Yeah, and a bit in the cheeks." Ryder added

"Maybe, I don't really know."

I looked down at myself. Did I really lose more weight?

 

~Big Brother's Advice~

I opened my door and looked out a a guy.

"Hey." He smiled. "I'm Cyrus. I'm you're big brother, for the big sibling program?"

"Oh Right. They told us about that. Um. Come in." I opened the door wider and he walked into my room. "Just sit down where ever."

In group they told us they where going to pair us up with someone that was older, and had graduated from school. They went through the same issues you are going through now. He sat on the chest.

"So How's this place treating you?" He asked, as I sat on my bed and shoved my feet under the covers. "They changed a lot of stuff since I've been here."

"When was the last time you were here?"

"Monday." He grinend at me. "I had to sign some papers for the Big Sibbling program."

"You know what I mean." I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Well I came here wen I was fifteen." He nooded. "Right off the bat everyone thought I was crazy So they plopped me in this place. I graduated, at Eighteen and Now I'm twenty three."

"What meds do you take?"

"None. I'm med free. I don't need to depend on pills."

"Really?" My eye brows raised. "Me to. Does it get better? Does the pain ever stop?"

"It gets." His eyebrows pulled toegther. "Easier to deal with."

"Aren't you supposed to tell Me I'll be perfect again?"

He looked up at me, "You want me to lie to you Charlie?"

"No." I shook my head. "I just thought maybe things would get better."

"It did, For a little bit."

"When?" I patted my bed, and he sat closer to me.

"I was twenty one." He said. "I got into a group were people smoked weed. I tried it. It made everything better. I wasn't sad. I'd go to bed high, wake up high, and get high through the day."

"What happened?"

"I realized that maybe this is what the pills would do to me if I was on them. So I quit. The withdraws where really bad. I was mean to people, I felt like I was light headed all the time. I wanted to pick up the pipe again But I didn't."

"Why?" I asked. "Why didn't you pick up the pipe? It made everything better, Cyrus."

"It did Charlie. But It was just masking my problems. I couldn't turn to weed all the time for everything. I knew that If I stopped, my problems would come rushing back ten fold. And they did."

"And then?" I asked, as he took off his jacket.

"I was Twenty-two. I ended up in the hospital."

"Why?"

"The voices in my head told me to kill myself. I wasn't good enough."

"So you listened."

"Yeah." He sighed. "And when I got out of the hospital-"

"You went back to weed."

He nodded, "Then I got caught up with the cops. I told the court my story, and they gave me a green card. I don't really smoke the weed unless There's something I can't handle. And I can handle a lot."

I sighed.

"Charlie." He looked down his eye brows pulled together.

"Yeah?"

"Look at me."

I looked at him.

"Honey, You're way to young to let the world break you."

I looked back down, feeling the first tears fall.

"I wasn't always like this you know."

"Like what?"

"I didn't cut or starve." I looked up at him. "I used to smile, my arms were scar free."

"And then?"

"And then My best friend killed himself. My parents sent me here after he died."

He nodded.

"And then all of the sudden he should up here, claiming he lost all his memories, but he remembered his name."

Cyrus' eyes wided, "Damn I couldn't of handdled that."

"He came to me saying he remembered me, and he wanted to know if I was okay."

He nodded, "What did you tell him?"

"I wrote letters to him, affter he died. I handed over the letters, and told him goodbye. And then I went home."

"And then you came back. Why?"

"I went home and then found out my Dad was cheating on my Mom. He said things where bad between him and Mom. So I thought that I could weave them back together somehow, by using me. Give them something to work together on."

"By hurting yourself."

I nodded, "Stupid right?" I laughed, looking at the roof. "It didn't even work. So I came back here. They just freaked out every time I cut or every time I skipped a meal."

"Can I see?"

"See what?"

He pointed at my arm.

"Sure." I said, eyebrows pulled together.

It was the first time I had ever pulled my arm out of my jacket sleeve, and held my arm out for someone to inspect. He smiled, and I trusted him. He took my hand, and then truned my arm around. I looked down at the jagged alone that was carved across the top of my arm.

"Bet there's a story behind that." He looked up at me.

I nodded, and shoved my arm back into the sleeve.

"Am I going to know the story someday?"

I nodded. "Owen, my friend, He had an older sister named Lucy. She had alone carved into her arm like mine, and when she killed herself Owen carved it into his arm."

"And when you thought Owen was gone, you carved it into your arm."

"Yeah." I looked down. "Owen made me promise that I would never cut. No matter how bad things got, I always had him around."

"So you broke your promise to him, when he broke his to you."

I nodded.

"Does Owen know?"

"If he read the letters." I nodded. "I said something about it in the first letter I wrote him."

"So have you talked to him since you've been back?"

"I haven't even seen him." I told him. "I've been locked in my room. Clara brings my food, but I just toss it out the bared window."

"Why don't you eat?"

"I don't really feel like it."

He nodded.

I lay back, and shoved my hands behind my head. He got up, walked around my bed, kicked off his shoes and streached out beside me.

"Come here kid."

I rolled over and he put an arm around me.

"What's the reason you don't want to eat?"

"No reson." I picked at a fuzz ball on his shirt.

"There's always a reason Charlie. Trust me, I know."

"I just don't feel like eating anything. I don't feel like doing anything."

"You know what would change that attitude?"

"What?"

"If you talked to your friend."

"I do talk to them."

"If you talk to Owen."

"I can't."

"Eventually you'll have to. It will make you feel better, and you can't hide in your room forever."

"I can try."

"But what's the fun in that?" He asked, "You need to go see your friends."

"They come and see me."

"How long do you think it'll last before they get tired of being the only ones trying?"

"If they quit they quit. I give up on me too."

"I know Two people who would never give up on you."

"Who?" I asked. "Please don't say my parents."

"I was going to say me."

"Oh."

"And I was going to say-"

"Owen." I finished for him.

"You know he'd never give up on you."

"I know."

"So talk to him."

"I'll think about it okay?"

"Okay." He kissed my head. "I have to get going. My time here is up."

I sat up and wiped my face.

"Want to walk me to the loby?"

I nodded and took off the blankets. I grabbed his arm and we walked to the lobby in scilence. Once in the loby he took my face in his hands.

"Goodbye litte sister."

"Bye Big Brother."

He kissed my forhead, smiled, and then hugged me. He waved from the door and I waved back. I watched him go and then went back to my room. I opend my suit case and there it was. The envelope with the 'Old Charlotte Rose' on the front. I picked it up and sat down. I opend it, and unfolded the letter.

*Day one,

I've only been away from you for a day and it's killing me. I just hope you understand what I did if we ever cross paths again. I had to get away and find myself, or I'd end up like Lucy. I had no idea where I'd end up, so I didn't tell you. I really do hope that you'll understand me. And If you don't and your pissed at me, I guess that's my fault. -Owen to Charlie*

I looked over the six papers front and back. There was a little note for everyday that he was gone. I folded the letters and stuffed them back into the envlope. I shoved it into the back of my desk drawer and then took out a shirt unfolding it. There was a knock on my door and I looked over, as it was pushed open.

"Hey." I smiled.

"Hey." Ryder nodded, "Need some help?"

"Nope." I looked back to him. "But you can watch me."

He sat on the unmade bed, and looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Owen's worried about you."

"Okay." I nodded.

"He read your letters Charlie. He told me stuff that you never told anyone here. But you told him."

"He was my best friend."

"He asked around about you."

"And?"

"And he hit rock bottle until He walked over to Ayelie." He looked at me again. "She told him everything she knew."

I nodded, and put a shirt away.

"Are you mad?"

"No." I shook my head.

"Why not?"

" 'Cause it doesn't matter. To me my friend died a colpe months ago."

He watched me quietly.

"Is that all?"

He nodded, "And I just wanted to say hi."

"Hi." I smiled.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"I really hate that word."

"I'm alive."

"So are you going to talk to him?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Well We miss you. The old you. Now you just hide in your room."

"So?"

He looked down.

I tossed a pair of shoes by the dresser.

"So what's your big siblings name?"

"Cyrus." I tossed a shirt into the middle drawer. "Yours?"

"Cindy."

I nodded.

He watched me quietly as I unpacked the rest of my bag.

~New day New start~

When I woke up the next morning it wasn't becuase of the usual talk right outside my door, it was the first of the sun rays that woke me up. I tossed my covers off and walked to the window pushing back the curtain. My view was of a grassy field. I looked down and pulled my sleeves over my cut up arms. I carefully stuck my thumbs through the wholes in the cuffs and then left my room. The hall was empty and the only sound was my feet slapping the floor and the pounding of my heart in my ears. I walked to the lounge, it was empty, except for a table by the window.

He sat reading a book. I walked up to him and tapped on his shoulder. He turned around and I tryed to give him a bright smile.
    "Hi. I'm Charlie."

"What are you doing?" He asked confused.

"Your new here right?"
He gave a half smile, and then closed his book, "Yeah. I'm new. My names Owen."

"I just wanted to let you know that if you need help getting around I can help you. It's a pretty big place."

"Thanks."

"Sure." I nodded and turned around.

"Hey wait." I turned around as he got off the stool, "Charlie right?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"I could use a guide now that you mention it."

"What do you want to see?"

"Anything and everything."

"Come on."

We walked around the school side by side as I only talked about the place we were now at.

"Need help finding your classes?"

"Yeah." He opened his book and took a foldded peice of paper out.

I took the paper and as I did I grazed his hand and was shocked, like I always was.

"Sorry."
    "It's okay." I focused on unfolding the paper a little too much. "Math. That's this way."

After I showed him his classes I showed him his locker and then then lunch table.

"This is were my friends sit."

I sat down in the spot Ayelie always sat in, and streached my hands across the table to the spot Ryder's tray usually sat.

"Do you sit here?"

"I used to." I nodded. "But I"m going to start sitting here again."

"Can I sit with you guys?"

"Sure." I nodded. "We have our seats. Ayelie sits here, and Ryder sits across from her. And Clara sits next to him, and I sit there at the edge. So you can sit here, next to Ayelie. She's a little strange, but I lover her." I smiled.

He pulled out the chair next to me that would now be his.

"Do you think they'll mind me sitting here?"

"No." I looked at him. "I think you'll fit in."

We heard a couple of doors open.

"I have to get ready for the day, so I'll see you at breakfast okay?"

"See you then Charlie."

"Bye." I touched his arm and then left the room.

I platstered myself against the wall just outside the food hall. I let myself slide to the floor.

"Hey."
I let out a sob, and raised my arms at the same time Ryder jumped at me. He picked me up and held me close.

"It's okay." He said smoothig my hair. "It will work out I promise. Whatever it is you'll be okay."

I sniffed and pulled back, "I had to let the old him go."

He nodded like he understood keeping a hand on my arm, "It was the right thing. To move on."
I nodded and pulled him in for a hug.

"Promise to never go away."

"I promise." He rested his check on my head.

He walked me back to my room, were we said goodbye. I took a shower, and then got ready. I stood in the door way of the Food hall, as people sat at tables, with food and friends. I heard an Eek! and looked over.
I smiled as Ayelie ran at me. I caughter her by her legs and she hugged me around my shoulders.
    "Charlie's back?" She asked with a slow growing smile, once I set her down.

"Charlie's back." I smiled.
We hugged and then she pulled me to the food line. She grabbed two trays and then loaded them with food.

"Um Ayelie?"

"Huh?" She smiled at me.

"Nothing." I smiled back.
She hugged me again and we walked to the table. I set my tray down and sat down. Clara looked at me and then sat up taller.
     "Charlie!" She pulled me into a hug. "Your back!"
     "I'm back." I grinned.

"Welcome back Charlie." Ryder nodded.

"Thanks." I smiled.
Owen sat down and my friends all looked at him.
    "You guys heard about Owen right?" I asked. "He's the knew kid."
    "Sure." Ryder said.

"Yeah." Clara lookd down.
     "I've heard of his ass." Ayelie poked him in the arm with her fork. "Watch it buddy."

 

~The past is never really the past. Now is it?~

"So what are you in for?" I asked.

Owen and I where sitting in the garden.

"These." He pulled up his sleeves.

He had more scars. More cuts. A couple of burns.
    "My Mom freaked."

I choked on my air a little as he turned his arms over and I saw the familiar alone carved into his arm.

"Are you okay?"

"Bet there's a story behind that."
     "Come on Charlie."

"What?"

"Are we really going to do this?"
     "Do what?"
     "Pretend like we never met."

"You left me."

"And I never should of." He yanked up my sleeve and I tried to yank my arm away.

"Please stop."
     "Charlie."

I looked at him.

"Come on. It's me."

I stopped fighting, and he looked down at my arm, running a hand over the alone. I gave a little whine as He began to turn my arm over and fourced my wrist to stay facing down. He looked at me, and let my arm go. He looked down and picked at his pants. I flipped my arm up and gave it to him. He grabbed onto it and kissed my arm.

"I still think you're beautiful."

I yanked my arm away, pulled down my sleves, and pulled my legs to my chaest and looked away from him.

"Things can't go back to the way they were Owen. They just can't." I looked at him again. " I don't trust you anymore."

He nodded, "Can I ask you something."

"What?"

"An eating disorder. Why?"

"You know why."

"Help me understand it."

"How?" I demanded. "I don't even uynderstand it myself."

"Do they know how bad it is?"

"What?"

"Do they know how bad it is?" He repeated.

"No." I looked away.

"Charlie,  this place is suposed to be helping you get better. From your letters You've gotten worse."

"You don't know me."

"I don't. But the old you never cut. Never had an eating disorder."

"The old me grew up. The old me never hated my guts."

"Why?" He asked. "Why now?"

"Nothing I say will explain anything to you. This is me now Owen." I set my head down on my arms. "Get used to it."

"I don't want to. I don't like it."

"Okay." I looked at him. "Coming from the one who has slit up and bruised wrists. I don't want to hear it."

There was a ball of light and I smacked it out of my face, crawling back until I was against Owen. I reached up to smack again but Owen gabbed my hand.
    "It's okay Charlie. It's just a fire fly."

A couple more came over to join the first. I backed up against Owen, and he put an arm around my collar bone. One of the fire flies had the damn nerve to land on my knee.
    "Get it off!"

"It's okay."

He grabbed it and I moved to face him. He opened his hand and the bug crawled around on it.

"See?" Owen asked. "He's harmless."

Owen took my hand and dumped the bug onto my palm. It walked around for a little bit, and then it flew away.

"Come here."

I leaned against him, and suddenly the garden became alive with them.

"It's kind of magical if you think about it."

"We're to old for magic."

"I'm not."

~As if your mind isn't dark enough~

There was a knock on the door and I hurried to pull down my sleeve.

"Charlie?" Owen asked.

It was early, and I didn't think anyone was awake. I slipped my blade under the padding and turned around as Owen opened the door.
    "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." I shook my head quickly.

He grabbed my shoe and liffted up the padding.

"Owen no!" I tryied to reach around him for the shoe.
He turned around arm raised, and the blade shined in the sun from the opened window. I stopped fighting and stepped back. He sat on my bed, and stared at me and he pulled up his sleeve. His eyes didn't leave mine as he dug in for the first cut. Then another. And a thrid.
    "Stop."

"You do it." His voice was dead. "I don't want to hear anything from you."

I watched quietly as he tucked the blade under the pad and got up to hand me the shoe. I quickly took it.

"You should find a new hiding place. I'm suprised they didn't find it yet." He looked at my shoe. "Hidding it in your shoe is Child's play."

He left my room shutting it with too much force. I jumpped and dropped my shoe. What was happening to me? Why did I feel the need to cut out of bordem? I left my room and looked down the hall.

"Owen!"
He turned around and I ran down the hall.

"Help me."

"With what?" He asked.

I opened my mouth but no words came out. He pulled me into a hug.

 

~The truth is a dark scary thing. Don't you think?~

A nurse came into the room holding a clip bored. She seemed a little annoyed.

“You lost more weight.” She shot off. “Mind telling me why?”
    “My Dad is cheating on my Mom. I hold that secret with me. It’s a little stressful.”
    “You also went home. Did you eat?”
    “Like I said things got bad.”

“Well if you don’t stop losing weight You’ll have to eat with a watcher.”
She left the Weight room, and I jumped off the bed.

“What’s the verdict?” Owen asked leaning against the wall across the hall.

“Nothing you can help with.” I walked over to him, and grabbed the water bottle he held.
     “So you lost?”
     “It’s not that big of a deal.” I took a drink. “I’m not skinny like Clara, or Ryder. Losing a few pounds won’t kill me.”
      “Charlie!”
I looked down the hall and Ayelie waved at me.
       “I have to go.” I held the water bottle out.
Owen still had his arms crossed, and didn’t take the water bottle from me.
     “I’m fine Owen.” I told him. “I’m still standing.”
I shook the water bottle and he sighed grabbing it.
      “See you.”
I hurried down the hall and hugged Ayelie.
     “What did he want?”
     “He’s worried.”
     “Why?”
     “I don’t know.”

I grabbed her hand and we headed down the hall. I looked back. Owen shook his head, pushed off the wall and headed down the hall away from me.

“So did you…”
    “Yes.” I pulled open the doors to the food hall. “You going to judge?”

“Nope.” She shook her head and went inside. “You coming?”

“I’ll meet you in there.”

I let the door shut, and ran down the hall to the door that led to the garden. I pushed open the door twice before it gave. I jogged over to the bench Clara sat on and grabbed her hand.
    “What’s wrong?”

She looked at me.
    “They brought a doctor in today.” She sniffed, fresh tears sliding down her face. “To see the kids who had the disorder longer.”
I squeezed her hand. Something was wrong with her.

“And?”
    “And I got my results.” She hugged me. “I can’t have kids.”
    “What?” I hugged her tighter.
Clara wanted kids. More than anything.
   “My body can’t carry kids.” She pulled back. “Because I’m sick. Even if I get better it’s too late.”
She layed her upper body on my lap, and I grabbed onto her arm. I looked up to see Ryder leaning against the wall. My mouth fell open, but nothing came out. He pushed off the wall, and sat next to me. He grabbed both my arms tightly like he needed to hold onto me to stay anchored.

“I wanted a family so bad.” She sobbed.
I looked up at Ryder, and a single tear fell down his cheek.

“You’ll be okay Clara.” I folded my body over her. “You’ll be okay.”

And then I was crying for her. I didn’t want her to hurt so bad. The door opened.
    “Ryder. Let’s go.”

I looked up to two male nurses. Ryder pressed a hard kiss to my cheek, and then stood up. Clara sat up and hurried to receive the hug Ryder bent down to give her.

“Where are they taking him?”
    “To the hospital.” She hiccupped. “He needs the tube.”
    “What?” I demanded. “Ryder!”

I got up, but My arms where grabbed in a tight grip.

“He’ll be okay.” Alex muttered low. “I promise.”
Ryder looked back, the two nurses each had a hand on his arms.

I love you, He mouthed before the door shut.

I turned around and glared at Alex.
    “What’s happening?” I demanded. “What are they doing?”
    “Ryder lost too much weight. He doesn’t have enough protein-“

“There going to tube feed him.” Clara cut him off.   

I hurried to her and grabbed onto her arms, like Ryder held me.

“When is he coming back?”
Alex looked pained.
     “Alex?” I took in a jagged breath, and then walked to him. “When is Ryder coming back?”
Alex took in a breath, and then looked me in the eye, “They don’t know if Ryder is coming back this time.”
    “What do you mean?” I took a step away from him, and then looked at Clara and she began to sob.

“They don’t know if He’ll make it this time Charlie.”
    “He will.” I backed away from Alex.

“Charlie-“
     “Your lying!” I yelled at him.

I yanked open the door and ran down the hall.

“Charlie?” Ayelie asked confused as I ran past her. “What happened?” There was silence, as I kept running. “What!” She suddenly screamed.

I slammed my door, and slid to the floor. It wasn’t true. Ryder was going to come back. He had to. He loved me. And I loved him. He had to come back. He would.

He was strong enough, I know he was. It took the school A weekend to realize that I wasn’t going to the food hall. They came into my room on Monday, put me in a wheel chair and wheeled me into the food hall. Ayelie smacked Clara, and they both watched as a nurse rolled me up to a table. She stabbed a carrot and held it to my face.
    “You have to eat something Charlie.”
     “Can I try?”

“Sure.”
The fork was passed off.
    “What the hell are you doing?” Owen demanded. “You’re not talking to anyone, you’re not eating. You’re going to end up in the hospital. Do you want to end up like Ryder?”

Something in me snapped. I grabbed my cup of water and tossed it at Owen. I got up and tumbled a little bit. I was weak, and black dots clouded my vision.

“Charlie?” A nurse grabbed my arm.
    “Get off of me!” I yelled at her.
    “I’m trying to help. You weak.”
    “Don’t fucking touch me!”
    “Charlie please calm down.”
    “No!” I grabbed my tray and chucked it. “Fuck you Owen!”

A male nurse came over, “Come on Charlie, calm down.”
     “Fuck off.”
He grabbed me pinning my arms across my chest.
     “Get off.” I kicked my legs.

Another male nurse came over and grabbed my legs.
    “Just calm down Charlie!”
I felt a prick in my side and then everything slipped away.

~What happened to you?~

When I woke up I was in my room. I sat up and looked around. I gasped, tossed off the covers, and ran to the chair in the corner of my room. Cyrus stood up and grabbed me into a hug.
     “They took him.”

“Who?” He held me at arm’s length and grabbed my chin.
      “Ryder! They took him.”
      “Shit.” He pulled me into a hug. “When?”
       “Friday.” I dug my fingers into his jacket, "They took him before lunch. And Clara can’t have a family.”

“It’s okay, Ryder will be okay.”
     “No one knows that for sure. It’s bad this time. I never even knew. I want to go home Cyrus.”

“I know.” He rubbed my back. “It’s okay.”

Being numb for the past two days really made me break down. I pulled back and wiped my eyes.
     “I dropped more weight and they said that I’m going to need a watcher. And I haven’t gotten any calls from my parents.”

“You just have to stay strong.”
      “I don’t know how.” I sat on my bed. “I thought I did, but I don’t.”

He sat down with me.
I looked at him, and shrugged a shoulder, “I don’t want to live anymore.”
    “That’s Crazy talk woman.”

I screamed and jumped from my bed.

“Ryder!”

I ran into him, and he stumbled back, and Cyrus hurried to grab his arm.
      “What’s wrong Charlie?” Ryder rested his chin on my head.
      “They said you weren’t going to make it.” I then pulled back and looked at him accusingly. “You promised you’d never leave me!”

“And I didn’t.”
    “You almost did!” I objected. “You could of left me. And not just me. You could of left Clara, and Aylie. And Alex! What about your family?”
     “Charlie.”
      “You have a lot of people who care about you.”
      “Charlie.”
     “There’s a lot of people who love you Ryder-“
     “Charlie.” He grabbed my face. “I love you more.”
I opened my mouth but no words came out.
    “It’s okay now.” His face was stern. “I’m okay. We’re okay.”
    “Okay.” I nodded.

“I promise I won’t leave you.”
    “I promise I’ll Always love you.”
     “I’ll love you too.” He pulled me into a hug. “I promise.”

“Ahem.” Cyrus said, after a couple of seconds.
     “Oh right.” We pulled apart.
     "Cyrus this is Ryder. Ryder, this is my big brother.”

They shook hands.
    “Good to see that you’re okay.”

“Thanks.”
    “Anyways.” Cyrus hugged me. “I have to get to work. Bye Ryder.”
They shook hands and then He left.
    “Charlie, I have to sit down.”
I hurried him to my bed, and he layed down. I shut my door and then leaned against it.
    “Why are you staring at me?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”
     “What did they say?”

“They always say I’m going to die to scare me.” He grabbed the blanket. “Now can you come here?”

I stretched out beside him, and he tossed the blanket over me. He kissed my head.
    “I thought I was going to lose you.”
     “You won’t.”
    “But what if you get worse?”
    “I won’t.” He said. “They’re putting me on lock down. I have to eat with a watcher.”

We both fell asleep and then headed to dinner.
    “Ryder!” Clara screamed.
    “What?” Ayelie stood up from her chair and hit the table.
    “Dude!” Alex got up and hurried over.

Owen smiled, and looked at his tray. 'Lucky bastard,' He mouthed.

“You’re okay.” Clara smiled.
     “You're okay.” He touched her arm.

“Whoa.” Ayelie grinned. “What is this I see?” She waved a finger between our hands.

We both looked down at our laced fingers.

“Are you dating?” Clara all but yelled, grabbing my arm.
     “Come on guys." Alex grabbed their arms and pulled them to the table.
I followed Ryder to the food bar.
     “Ryder, I’m Ana. Your watcher.” She shook his hand, and then smiled at me. “Hi.”
     “Hi.” I muttered grabbing Ryder’s upper arm with my free hand.

~Don't give up~

It was Wednesday. Clara had lost two pounds, Owen got his hands on a lighter, Alex needed a sedative, and Ayelie had made her first cut in two years. I was headed to the office right now because I got word my Mom was in the office. But When I walked into the office Mom and Dad sat there arms crossed. When they saw me they both stood up.
     “What’s going on?” Dad demanded.
    “I told you not to come.” Mom hissed at him looking around to see if anyone was looking.

“Sit down Charlie.” Dad said.
I sat down.
    “They called and said they had to give you a sedative.” Mom said.
   “I freaked out.”
    “Why?”
    “I freaked out on Owen.”
     “Why?" Mom asked.
I sighed, “I wasn’t eating, and He was trying to get me to eat. My friend Ryder was taken to the hospital because he had to get a feeding tube. So over the weekend I stayed in my room. On Monday they stuck me in a wheel chair and took me to the dining hall.  Owen asked me if I wanted to end up like Ryder, so I splashed my drink on him, told him to fuck off, and then got up. I saw dots from the sudden lack of food. A nurse tried to grab me to help me stay standing and I flipped out on her, so I was sedated.”

“I don’t like the fact that every time something happens here, you get worse.” Mom said. “I’m going to take you out of here.”
    “Do you really think that’s the best thing for her right now?” Dad asked.
     “Like ruining our family is?” She demanded.

“Wait you know?” I asked.
     “What?” She looked at me.
     “You didn’t tell her I knew.” I looked at Dad.

“No.” He looked down.

Mom got up and left the school.
    “I’ll talk to her.” Dad took my hand. “But you need to know we’re getting a divorce.”
    “You can’t fix it?”
     “Not this time sweet heart.” He touched my face. “Not this time.”
He left the school, and I just sat in the office chair. A divorce. Damn.

“You need a pass to class Hun?” The woman who was on duty at the front desk asked.

“Uh yeah.”

I took the pass, crossed my arms and headed to class. I sat down, and could feel Owen’s eyes on me. I could feel Ryder’s eyes on me on my other side. One Boy I loved. One boy who I was in love with. But did I really know what love was?
    “Mr. Pepper?” I raised my hand, and he looked over.
    “Can I use the bathroom?”

“Sure. Don’t take the pass class is almost over.”
    “Thanks.”
I grabbed my bag and left the room. I walked over to mine and Ayelie’s tree. I reached into the hole and grabbed the box of cigarettes. I pulled one out lit it and sat down. The door opened and closed and Ryder came into view. He bent down in front of me as I inhaled smoke. I held out the smoke, and he took it from me.

He sat down and took a hit. The door opened and closed and then Owen sat down next to me. He stuck a smoke in his mouth and patted his jacket. I held up my lighter and he took it. He lit the cigarette, took a hit and gave it to me. I inhaled as he lit another one.
    “My parents are getting a divorce.”

That was the only thing that was said while we finished smoking. We headed to the dining hall, ate with Ana and then headed to the last class of the day.
    “You okay?” Alex grabbed my arm as I passed him in the hall.

I nodded.
    “Here.” He handed over a bottle of cologne. “You smell like cigarettes again. How many did you smoke today?”

 “Four.” I sprayed myself down.
    “You shouldn’t smoke.”
    “It’s the least of my worries.” I handed over the bottle.
He grinned, raised the bottle in salute, and then headed down the hall to class. I went outside to the garden. Ryder was sitting under the tree with a cigarette in his hand. I sat down next to him and he handed it over.
     “My Mom’s trying to take me out.” I handed it over.
He took a long hit.
    “My Dad told her not to though.”

He nodded.
    “Are you okay?”
    “I’m alive.”

He handed me the smoke.

“You okay?”
     “I’m just tired.” I took a hit.
     “Of what?”
      “Life.”
     “Don’t give up yet.” He took the smoke back, and took a hit.

~On Leave~

The next Day I packed my suitcase. Mom signed me out of school for a couple of days so I could pack my room. They were moving out of the house I grew up in. I had already said goodbye to everyone. A knock sounded on my door, and Ryder pushed it open.

“Here.” He handed me a long box.

“What is it?”

“Just open it.”
I did. On a thin sliver chain was the word hope. The hope was covered in diamonds.
    “Can you put it on?” I handed it to him and pulled up my hair.

He clipped it into place.

“Thank you.” I hugged him. "Why’d you buy it?”

“Because I love you.”

He grabbed my hand, my suitcase and we left the room.
     “I’ll be back.”
     “I know.”

Mom was waiting in the office. A male nurse followed us out so Ryder could carry my bag. He set it in the trunk and shut the lid.
    “I know if I don’t do this now I’ll lose my window.”
     “Do what?”
He grabbed my face and kissed me, “I love you.”

He hurried into the school, the male nurse shut the door with a thud.

“Charlie, come on.” Mom called.

It was a quite drive to the house. I told Mom I was sorry and she said it’s fine. And that was it for talking. There was the distant sound of pots and pans banging as I jogged up stairs. I was starting to notice my room had a certain smell. I couldn’t name it but it did have one. I walked over to my desk, and gave a half smile as I picked up a head band.

I shoved it into my hair and walked to my bed which was filled with boxes. I plugged my I pod into the speaker on my night stand and began to build the boxes. The front door opened and closed.

“What are you doing here?” Mom demanded.

“I came to pick up the rest of my boxes. Would you relax?”

“No, I Will not relax!”

“Is Charlie home yet?”

“You stay the hell away from my daughter!”

I turned up the volume and brought a box to my book shelf. There were so many boxes. My room was the way I left it. It was like a room who’s owner had to stop everything. There was dust on the window ledge, dresser, desk, and book shelf. Not a lot to be dirty, but enough for me to notice. I blew on the shelf and a dust cloud whooshed into the air.

I waved it away, and grabbed a stack of books. I dropped the books carefully in the box and then finished the rest of the box.

“Leave her alone!”

There was a knock on the door. I looked over as the door was pushed open.

“Hey.” He nodded at me as he stood in front of the door.

I nodded back. He was jostled forward as the door was pushed open, and then he quickly stood against the door again slamming it closed.

“How are you?”

“Fine.” I looked over at him. “Is there a reason that your standing in front of the door blocking my Mother?”

“Oh.” He moved away from the door.

The door flew open and banged against the wall. I blinked at Mom.

“Sorry.” She calmly stepped into the room. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” I looked at the door that was slowly swinging away from the wall.

There was a little hole in the wall from the lock and a couple of cracks. Shit, she meant business.

“I just wanted to let you know that you can come visit me at the new place anytime you want to.”

“She doesn’t have time, Right Charlie?”

“She can make time.” Dad glared at Mom then looked to me, “Right Charlie?”

“Charlie has a lot to do. She won’t have time to visit you and the tramp. Right Charlie?”

“Charlie can talk for herself.” Dad visibly got tense. “Right. Charlie?”

“Don’t take a tone with her!”

“What tone!” Dad boomed.

“That tone!” Mom shot back.

“Um excuse me?” I asked bravely, raising a finger.

“What!” They booth glared at me.

“Um.” I looked down at my books. “I have to pack. The school gave me a dead line.”

Dad left pounding down the stairs, and Mom was right on his heels.

“Don’t pound down the stairs!” She gasped. “Don’t flip me off Fucker!”

 The door slammed.

The door opened and then Mom yelled, “Hey!”

“What!” Dad yelled.

I shook my head and shoved in some more books. I quickly packed the rest of my things. It was a round midnight when I was finished and Mom pushed open my door.

“Hungry?” She asked, holding a bag.

We sat down on my mattress and she handed me a black bowl of salad covered by a plastic dome. I popped off the top, picked out the chicken slices and put on some ranch. Mom handed me a bottled diet coke.

“So how’s school?”

“It’s fine.”

“Charlie.”

I looked up at her, “Do you really want to know?”

“Of course.”

“Well, Ayelie cut herself for the first time in two years.”

“With what?”

“I don’t know.” I lied.

Ayelie was walking through the dinning hall when there was an emergency down the hall. A chef left the door open and Ayelie had grabbed the knife and left to her room. I was the first one she told. She asked for help…but I didn’t know how to help her. So we found Owen, and He held her while she cried.

“Anything else?"

"Clara lost another two pounds. And her body is failing her. She can’t have kids.”

“Oh my god.” Mom covered her mouth.

I nodded, “That’s all she’s ever wanted was a family to call her own.”

“Pour kid.” She looked down.

“And Alex needed a sedative. He flipped out when Ayelie’s story leaked to him.”

“Who’s Alex? Is that your boyfriend?”

“No. He’s a friend.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Ish.”

“Ish?” She began to grin. “What’s his name?”

“Mom.” I looked at her.

“Ryder!” She smacked my arm. “Are you serious?”

“It’s complicated.”

“What’s so complicated?” She asked. “He loves you.”

“Well He had to go to the hospital and get the tube.”

She looked confused.

“The feeding tube.?" And they said he wasn’t going to come back. Then they called you guys because I went into a state of depression, and all that good stuff.”

“Yeah.” She nodded once. “I remember.”

“But Ryder turned out to be okay. Well okay for us Ck’s.”

“Ck’s?”

“Crazy kids?”

“Oh.”

“And anyways, I have no idea if We’re dating or not. He acts like we are but he never said we where together. And it’s really hard you know, because I think I’m in love with him.” I looked up at her, she was smiling at me.

“Well, if you really love him. Fight. Don’t let him go.”

I nodded. “Mom?”

“Yeah?” She looked up from her bowl.

I set my bowl aside, and pulled her into a hug. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s okay.” She rubbed my back. “Don’t cry Baby.”

“I’m sorry.” I shook from the sobs. “I’m sorry for everything Mommy.”

~The new place~

The apartment manager unlocked a door, and pushed it open. He had a round belly, smelled really bad of old person, and he was a pervert. He asked if me and mom were sisters and when we said no he seemed to not be interested in us.

"Well there you go." He said. "So are you single?"    

"Uh," Mom began.

I snatched the keys from him, "Thanks."

He wobbled down the walk way. I looked at mom.   

"Come on." She laughed slinging an arm around my shoulders, as we headed inside.

When I first had woke up that morning, Mom was still sleeping. She had spent the night in my bed, something she hadn't done since I was five. I walked to the window, and saw a moving truck, backing into our drive way. This was it. The dawn of a new start. The guys packed everything into the truck, and then drove it to the new place. They had moved everything in, while Me and Mom talked with some girl Named Maggie who was going to help with selling the house.

At the Apartment office when we first pulled up, Mom had coxed me out of the car and into the front office with a milk shake. That's where we had met Fred, the pervert.

"So what do you think?" Mom asked, as I brushed some leaves off the patio table.

"It's cute you know?" I sat down in a chair.

Picture this okay? A pool area in the middle, and then it surrounded by back yards. The gate leads right to the pool area. The back yards rather have those brown plastic privacy dividers shoved between the chain link fence, or heavy green tarps. Our back yard was the only one that didn't have anything to block out the views of the neighbors.

"I know it's a big change from the house."    

"Hey, at least there's no mysterious stains on the carpet."

"And there's no yellow on the tile." She added.

We laughed, and she sat down in the other chair.

"Nice view though."    

"I wonder if the pools clean." I picked a lint ball off my shorts.

The two middle straps of Mom's chair snapped. Her skinny legs flew into the air, and she fell through the chair, onto the floor. We were both laughing.

"Oh my god!" I stood up.

Hey, what if mine broke too?

"Help me!" She laughed, kicking her legs.

"Okay ready?"

"Yeah."

I picked up the chair so she was now on her feet. She looked like a little sand crab. She grabbed onto the table and I pulled on the chair. Nothing happened.   

"Pull harder."

I pulled harder and the chair came off. I fell back, the chair flying over my head as Mom fell down in front of me.   

"You okay?" She asked, looking at me over her shoulder.   

"Yeah." I nodded, waving away the smell of dust.

She pulled me to my feet and then dug in her pocket for her phone. I walked over to the fence, and put my fingers through the holes. I looked at the still water of the pool.

 

"Come on Charlie. Don't be afraid." Dad called from inside of the pool waving.

I slowly walked to the edge, "I'm scared Daddy."

"I'll catch you I promise."

I held my breath and jumped in.

"So." My thoughts were interrupted, by a girl with a small round belly.

A girl with black hair tied up with a bandana and red lips followed her out of a gate.

"What did Mikey say?"    

"Not much, which really freaks me out." She looked up, and waved at me. "Hi!"

"Lola!" The girl with the belly said, yanking her arm down.     

"What Rose?" Lola seemed a little shocked.

"That's the crazy girl."

"Aren't we all crazy? Bye." Lola waved.

I waved back.

"Hurry!" A Boy with black hair said.

Lola, Rose, and I looked down to were he was pointing. There was a big man, and I shit you not covered in hair.

"Hey!" He yelled.

"Sasquatch!" Rose yelled, tossing her ben and jerry's ice cream. "You better open up that gate wide Mikey! Fat Prego’s comin' through!"

Lola and Rose grabbed hands, and ran to the gate. Mikey slammed it closed and Sasquatch looked a little disappointed.

"Hey!" He pointed at me.

Not today! I spun around and ran inside, slamming and locking the door. Sasquatch shook his head and went into a yard. What in the hell?

“Okay, that was the school.” Mom came out of her room. “Are you okay?”

“Never better.”

“So they need you back by tomorrow at dinner.”

“Okay.”

We used the rest of the day, and the next to unpack everything. I left my room packed up still. It’s not like I was going to be living here.

 

 

~Back to school blues~

Checking back into the school was easy for me. They were waiting for me. The school halls were empty. No one really tended to hang out in the halls. I pushed open one of the heavy doors to the garden, and made my way to the tree. I smiled. I ran over to the tree, sprawled out on my stomach, and pressed my nose to Owens.

“Hello old friend.”

“Hey,” He laughed a little. “What are you doing?”

“Well the good news is I’m still sick enough to need this place.”

“The bad news?”

“They were waiting for me.” I sat up. “I should be honored really, but I feel as if they’re some kind of cult.” He laughed, and sat up.

“It’s not funny. I’m being serious.” I said, surprised he was laughing. “They gave me a good ol’ pat down, and gave me a checkup. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure they took my last head band.”

He smiled and looked up at me, “So Charlotte Rose.”

“So Owen Isaac.”

“Why did you let me know you’re back first?”

I took a deep breath and shook my head a little, “Because you’re my best friend, Owen.”

“I’m surprised I’m the first you told.”

“I can go really.”

“No.” We laughed, as he grabbed my wrist keeping me from leaving. “Stay. So how much to you weight?”

“Really?” I nodded once. “That’s what you want to talk about? No, how’s your life at home? Dreadful?”

He just looked at me.

“Lighten up!” I tossed a leaf at him. “It’s going to be thanks giving soon.”

“Where you going?” He called after me.

I spun to him still walking backwards, “To go find someone who’s happy to see me.”

He grinned, and I turned around. Truth was, I was a little nervous to see Ryder again. Was he better? Was he worse? Did He miss me? I turned left and then took a couple of steps back, and plastered myself against the wall.

“I gained three pounds.” Clara said, standing on her tip toes proudly.

“Sorry, I win. I gained Five.” Ryder smiled.

“Well since my skin is cut free, and I haven’t tried to kill myself, I win.” Ayelie smacked his chest.

“There you are.” Alex walked down the hall to them. “Guess what I heard?”

“What?” Clara asked.

“That someone’s coming back today.”

“Who?” Ayelie asked brows pulling together.

“Yeah, Who?” Clara wanted to know.

“Me.” I walked into view. “It’s me. I’m coming back.”

Alex grinned at them when they looked at him and held out his arms.

“Sister.”

I smiled, and jogged over to him. He grabbed me in a hug.

“What’s wrong?” I looked at the girls. “No hug?”

They looked at Ryder, both of them opening their mouths.

Ryder grabbed my shoulders, “Look at me Charlie.”

I looked up at him, “What happened?”

“Alen and Daniel happened.”

“What do you mean?” I demanded.

“While you were gone they decided to sneak out of the school. They never made it back Charlie.”

“So They’re missing?”

Ryder looked down, his hands still on my arms.

“Well?” I demanded looking to the girls and Alex.

“No.” Ryder shook his head. “They’re not missing Charlie. Alen and Daniel Died.”

“What?” I stepped away from him.

“They saw a couple of guys trying to rape a girl. They tried to stop it.” Alex said softly. “They were both shot. The girl ran and told the cops.”

“Where’s Ava?” I asked. “She must be crushed.”

A little sob escaped and I looked to Ayelie, “Ava killed herself, Charlie.”

“No.” I backed down the hall.

“She did.” Ayelie sobbed and Clara grabbed her in a hug.

I turned to run, but smacked into Owen, who pinned me to his chest as I cried. Sure I left things bad with Ava, but she still cared about me enough to try to help me. And I cared about her.

~Godbye new friends~

Later that afternoon kids filed onto the steel bleachers outside on the P.E field. There was a podium, and off to the left was a picture of Daniel and Alen, and then off to the right was Ava’s. I sat between Alex and Ayelie on the bottom bench.

“They risked their lives to save a girl who was going to be raped. They succeeded. The girl ran for help, and the guys were arrested. But that won’t Bring back Daniel. It won’t bring back Alen.” Mr. Pepper had his hands braced on the podium, as he looked down. “But they were caring souls and they will be in peace. And Ava.” He sighed.

“Was a good friend.” I stood up.

Everyone looked at me. Ayelie grabbed my hand and stood. Alex grabbed the other and stood too.

“When I first met her, she was guarded.” I nodded trying to swallow the lump in my throat. “She was just the best friend of my best friend. She made me face my fears, and told me she had her reasons.”

“Ava was the first friend I made here.” Ayelie spoke up. “When everyone thought I was a freak because Of my Sister, she was kind to me. She helped me find all my classes, dealt with all of my freak attacks, all of my episodes. She helped me with so much. She talked me out of suicide thoughts so many times.” She sobbed once. “And I couldn’t do the same for her.”

I grabbed her in a hug, and Alex put a hand on my back.

“Ava Was sweet, determined. But not everyone knew that, because she was afraid to be hurt. That little girl has been hurt so many times. She only befriended kids from the suicide wing, because she wanted to help them. Even if she couldn’t help herself.” Alex added.

A girl stood up. “I’m Jace. This one time Ava found me crying in the bathroom. She never knew my name, but she sat down and held me while I cried. She told me everything was going to be okay. And for a little while it was.”

“She stopped a couple of kids from beating my ass because I’m gay.” A boy stood up. “My Name is Cameron Cole, and I’m just another kid that Ava Blaire helped.”

“So.” Mr. Pepper smiled. “Here’s to Daniel and Alen. The boys who helped  a random girl. And to Ava, Who helped random kids.” We all laughed a little. “May they find peace.” He nodded. “Because they deserve it.”

~Someone like me~

It was eight o’clock, and the school had put stones in the school’s garden. Alen Jake Nicks- Daniel Victor Nickolson- Ava Angel Blaire. Angels who will always watch over the school, and their students. But only a few of us would know their real story. Their lives. The things that each of them stood for and protected. It didn’t matter how they died.

They were too young to be taken. They had set little glass candles around the stones with the names. They would be lit every night to remember the three. A heavy jacket was placed on my shoulders followed by hands.

“You okay?”

“Why did they have to die?” I asked. “Why couldn’t someone else die? Someone who was a bad person, who kept secrets from the ones they loved. Someone like me.”

“Hey.” Ryder spun me to face him. “Don’t think that way.”

“They didn’t deserve to die Ryder.” I hissed, looking at the stones and tossing a hand. “They were good people. They had their whole lives a head of them. Families, jobs. The whole nine yards. What are we supposed to do? Just fucking move on?”

His face was stone, “We’re supposed to get better Charlie.” He looked at the stones. “So we don’t end up like them. Good people with just a stupid fucking stone to remember them by.”

“Hey,” I reached for his arm.

But he pulled his arm away, and walked down the path way disappearing behind the wall.

“Ryder?” I called. “Ryder!” I ran after him pulling on his jacket sleeves.

I ran down the hall after him.

“Don’t do this!”

“Don’t do what?” He continued down the hall.

“Don’t you shut me out.”

“Don’t shut you out?” He spun around and looked down at me. “Alen was my little brother! And Daniel was my cousin! Ava was a family friend Charlie!”

“What?” I took a couple of steps back.

“Yeah,” He laughed once. “You didn’t see that little twist in the story did you?”

“Ryder, please!” I yelled after him. “Ryder! You’re not going to do this.”

“Do what?” He asked me when I grabbed his arm. 

“You’re not going to give up.” I glared at him. “Your going to remember what good people they were.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head.

“Your going to remember that their love was pure.”

“Stop.” He crushed my hand in his.

“You’re going to remember each of them, and you’re going to be strong for them. You won’t give up for Alen. You’re not going to stop for Daniel, you won’t give in For Ava.”

“ I won’t stop for Daniel.” He gasped. “I won’t give in for Ava.” He gripped my hand tighter. “ I won’t give up for Alen.” A tear slid down his cheek.

I nodded a sob escaping, “You won’t stop fighting for you.”

He looked at me, and grabbed my face, “I won’t stop fighting for you Charlie. Because I love you.”

“Come here.” I hugged him. “I love you.”

~The year book~

“Charlie?” Someone sat down next to me, and bumped my shoulder. “Charlie?”

“Huh?” I ripped my gaze from the stones and looked at Owen.

“You missed breakfast.”

“People are worried about me, I’m guessing.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Alex.”

“Alex?” I asked confused. “Why?”

“He said he has a bad feeling.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re all trying to get better-“

“So they don’t end up stones in a garden, and I skipped breakfast so they think that I’m not going to get better.” I stood up, and Owen raised a hand.

“Exactly.”

I pulled him to his feet.

“Do me a favor and tell them that I ate okay? I have to get ready for class.”

“Hey Charlie?”

“What?” I turned back to him.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m good.” I walked around the hedge.

“Nice jacket.” He called.

“Thanks.” I shook my head a little and pushed open the door.

“So.” Alex came literally out no where and put his arm around my shoulders.

“So.” I grabbed his hand.

“You missed breakfast Sister.”

“And how do you not know I ate alone Brother?”

We stopped walking and glared at each other.

“I’m watching you, Sister.”

“You won’t find much Brother.”

He pecked my forehead, and headed down the hall, “See you in class.”

“See you there.”

I changed into a long sleeved shirt and some leggings. I pulled on Ryder’s jacket grabbed my backpack and left my room. This was my room. Not the one at the new place. This felt like home.

“Charlie!” I turned and saw Mr. Pepper jog down the hall through kids, his tie smacking him in the face.

“Hi Mr. Pepper.” I smiled.

“Hey.” He nodded. “So I haven’t seen you walking around with your camera lately. It’s a shame really, so I was wondering if you wanted to be in charge of the year book?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, We already took self-pictures while you were gone.” He lifted up a camera.

“Oh.” I stood against the wall and smiled.

The camera flashed and I blinked.

“So what do you think?”

“Sure.” I nodded. “I’ll be in charge of the year book.”

“Thanks.” He punched my arm and jogged down the hall.

“He only asked you because I turned him down.” Ryder passed me.

My mouth popped open. He looked back and grinned at me.

“Ass hole.” I laughed jogging after him.

He grabbed my hand and we walked to classs. At lunch I slipped out and walked to my room. I grabbed my camera and went out to the garden. People would remember them if I had anything to do with it. I took three pictures of the stones and then went to Mr. Peppers class room. He had a big file of pictures he took.  

He filed them away by names. I grabbed the folder that had Ava, Daniel, Alen, Ayelie, Alex printed on it and sat at a table. I opened the folder and the first picture was of Ayelie and Ava. They both looked younger. They were standing under the tree holding Pinky’s. The next was of Daniel and Alen in the hall, Alen’s arm tossed around Daniels shoulders. The next was of Alen and Ryder.

Ryder had Alen in a head lock. The next was of Daniel and Ryder they were sitting on a bench in the garden both sticking out tongues with a rock on sign. So Ryder hung out with them once upon a time. The next picture was of Alen in the garden, with me On his back. I was laughing, my hand on my head to keep his beanie on. I smiled. The next picture was of me and Daniel.

Daniel was holding me bridal style and I was laughing pushing his face away from me, his mouth in a kissy face. I laughed, and set that picture in my pile. The next stopped me cold. It was of Ava and I. Ava’s legs where wrapped around my waist, and our faces were pushed together, both of us smiling. I took pictures of the pictures and went back to my room. I put the pictures on a hard drive and opened my door to Mr. Pepper.

“Jeesh!” We both jumped back.

“I just wanted to give this to you. It’s a proto type. All you have to do is fill in the blank spaces with pictures. I book marked a page.”

“Thanks.”

“And I put in a few pictures myself.”

“Okay.”

He nodded and left.

I grabbed my camera bag and turned to the page he book marked. R.I.P was at the top. There was a space for two pictures on the first page, and then on the second there was a big picture, and on the bottom there was three smaller ones, already tapped in was Daniel Alen and Ava’s pictures. I tapped in the pictures of the stones and turned to page. Always here. I tapped in the rest of the pictures, and then turned to the first page. I flipped a couple more pages.

The Best friend: Ava.

Most likely to care: Daniel

Most likely to save a life: Alen

Most Scary: Ayelie

Most likely to Recover: Ryder

The Best Big Brother: Alex

The Best little sister: Clara

The New strange kid: Owen

Most likely to change the world: Charlie

I smiled, and went back to Mr. Peppers class room. I Opened up the files again and filled in the rest of the pages. I handed it over to Mr. Pepper at dinner, and then sat down with my group.

“There you are!” Clara said. “I was looking for you.”

“Why?”

“I was wondering if you were okay.” Clara said softly. “About you know.”

“I’m fine.” I gave her a smile, and ripped open my package of fruit.

“Good.”

~Peace~

“Hey sister.”

“Cyrus!” I grabbed him in a hug.

“I heard.” He tightened his grip on me. “I’m sorry.”

“Do you want to see?”

“Yes.” We joined hands and I led him to the garden.

It was after lunch when he showed up.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.” I nodded. “But I’m doing to Year book so There’s a lot of pictures in there.”

“How you doing?”

“Well I never really had a friend die, and stay that way. So I don’t know how to react. I keep thinking a couple of months they’ll come back because that’s what Owen did. But.” I lifted a shoulder, and tossed up a hand.

“Yeah. I know.” He put an arm around my shoulders.

“I have to get better Cyrus.”

“Well it just doesn’t happen all at once.” He scuffed the grass. “It takes a while.”

“I have to try.”

“Well I’ll support you.”

“Good. I need all the support I can get.”

“Everyone does.”

I said goodbye to Cyrus and then went to my last class. The classes I had with Ava or Daniel or Alen seemed empty. Without a purpose.

“So If you’ll all take one and pass the box down.” Mr. Pepper said, setting a box on the front table. I looked up to see people grabbing yearbooks.

“Why did you take four?” Ryder whispered.

“You’ll see.”

During dinner I told everyone to sign it for them. Then I went outside and set a year book by each stone. I grabbed my lighter and lit the candles. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and lit up.

“Rest in peace guys. You deserve it.” I gave each stone a touch and then left to the tree.

I pulled a picture out of my pocket and unfolded it. It was of Ava, Ayelie and I smoking under the tree. I pinned it inside of the hole, and set the lighter back. I sat at the base of the tree and finished my smoke. So this was it. Three of us were gone. And the rest of us were trying to get better. I tossed my smoke and walked inside.

“It’s time for your weight.” A nurse said.

I sighed and followed her.

“Hop on.” I took off my shoes and got on.

“Same weight.” She wrote something down, and then left.

I pulled on my shoes, and left the room.

“Good job Charlie.” A nurse said.

“Just don’t want to end up a stone in a garden.” I tossed up my hands, and she gave me a strange look like she was afraid of me.

I smiled, and walked down the hall.

“So?” Owen walked over to me.

“Same weight.”

“Good.” He nodded, kissed my head and then left.

I watched, my eyes narrowed, and he left.

“Hey.” I turned around and Ryder grabbed my face. “I love you.” He kissed me.

“I love you too.”

He kissed me again.

“You know.” He took my hand. “I think that they would be proud of you.”

“I hope so.”

“They are.”

“How do you know?”

He gave me a funny look.

“How do you know?”

“Because they told me.”

“They told you?” I asked. “You can see them?”

He nodded, “Ava said to stop feeling so damn guilty already. It’s making her depressed and she’s supposed to be dead.”

I laughed, “That’s Ava for you.”

“She loves you Charlie.”

“I love you too.” I muttered. “Wait did you see Alen?”

He nodded, “Him and Daniel found peace yesterday.”

“Why not Ava?”

“She had to say goodbye to you.” He looked down.

“You okay?” I grabbed his hand.

He nodded, his face wet when he looked at me. “She just found peace.”

I nodded, and brought him in for a hug. She deserved it. They all did.

~Feeling any better, yet?~

I set my fork down and covered my stomach.

“You okay?” Alex asked.

“I’m fine.” I looked down. “My stomach hurts.”

“Maybe because you’re hungry.” Offered Owen. “You barely ate any of your food.”

“I ate too much.” I gave him a small shrug.

“Try to eat a little more.” Clara reached for my fork.

“She said she’s full.” Ryder said lowly but sternly.

Clara dropped the fork and the table went quite.

“You can force her into eating. If her stomach hurts it hurts. The idea is to get rid of an eating disorder. Not get another one by binge eating.” He said a little louder, but still as strong. “At least she’s eating.”

“It is a start.” Alex smiled at me.

I looked back at my plate. I had barley eaten anything, this is true, but I did eat and my stomach hurt. My ribs also hurt from the malnourishment, but this was a part I didn’t speak. My arm slowly moved to my ribs right under my boobs.

“That will go away.” Clara muttered to me. “After a while.”

Since everyone at the table was gaining weight we didn’t have to sit with a watcher anymore. Which was a relief on my part because I was starting to get really annoyed with her. Not only was she making Ryder stuff herself, but she was making everyone else stuff themselves, eating disorder or not.

“You okay?” I asked Ayelie.

She nodded chewing her bite slowly pushing her food around on her plate.

“Don’t stuff yourself.” Clara told her.

“I’m not.” She muttered.

“But-“

I tapped Clara with a hand and shook my head when she looked at me. She sighed and took a bite of her carrot stick.

~The color Gold~

“So.” Alex said, putting an arm around Ayelie.

It was dinner. We all looked down from a loss of words. We never said it but their deaths had affected us way more than we wanted them too. Everyone in the place was already hurting from themselves and now death had graced us and was playing a big factor. I did have to admit that I was proud of my little family here. Normally death and sadness would make you down fall, but they all were fighting harder than ever to get better.

“Fresh off the press.” Mr. Pepper handed me a year book.

I opened the page and Clara and Ryder leaned in.

“You want one?” Mr. Pepper asked, holding out a book to Ayelie.

He took three gold ones out of the box he held, “I made these ones for Ava, Alen, and Daniel. I thought you guys could take them around school so people could sign them. I know you already did this CHarlie, but that was for you guys. I want these ones for the school.”

I took them, “Thank you.”

Mr. Pepper gave a year book to Alex, Owen, Ryder, and Clara and then left.

“I’ll take around Ava’s.” Ayelie held out a small hand.

I handed it over and Ryder took one.

“For Alen.”

I looked at the last one I clutched in my hand.

“Charlie?” I looked up and Alex held out his hand.

“For Daniel.” I handed it over slowly.

“Do you want to do it?” He asked, both of us holding the gold book.

I shook my head and let go.

The three of them left the table and went around the dining hall.

“You okay?” Owen grabbed my hand.

“Yeah.” I lied.

“Don’t lie to us.” Clara grabbed my other hand.

“I’m sorry.” I just looked down.

“You’ll be okay.” Owen sounded distant.

“We all will.” Clara added, with the same distance.

“I hope you’re right.” I muttered my own voice ringing in my ears.

I glanced up to see Clara and Owen staring at each other. Like they could talk mind to mind. Clara nodded, grabbed her bag and left the table.

“Where is she going?”

“She’ll be fine.” Owen let go of my hand.

“Don’t.” I lunged for his hand that was sliding across the table to his lap. I grabbed it. “Stop.”

He grabbed onto my hand and I watched as He ate and as the other three brought the book table to table. They headed back over and I dropped Owen’s hand to stand up. Ryder, Alex and Ayelie stood in front of me.

“What now?” Ayelie asked.

“We write in them.” I took the book from Ayelie and sat down taking out a pen.

Ryder and Alex sat down too taking out markers. We passed the books around and then I stacked them in a pile.

“Where you going?” Ryder caught my wrist.

“To find Clara.” I finished getting up as he slowly let me free. “She needs to sign this.”

I hurried down the wing of the eating disorders. Clara’s door was cracked open. I slowly pushed it open. Clara was dumping a drawer on the floor. She tossed it over her shoulder with a lot of force for a girl with an eating disorder, and fell to her knees, in front of the pile of stuff. I jumped out of the way of the drawer and it smacked the door closed. She spun to look at the door, and then fell on her ass when she saw me.

“Ow!” She yelled tossing the thing she sat on. “What are you doing!”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m looking for something.”

“What?”

“You still have them?” She nodded.

“You haven’t signed them yet.”

She held out a hand and I handed them over. She grabbed a pen from her pile and opened a book. I layed back on my old bed and looked at the roof. Right away I found the little heart that would always give me hope when I was in this room. I would stare at it until I fell asleep.

“Okay.” She held out all three books.

I jumped up and took them from her, “I can help you-“

“I got it.” She smiled up at me.

“Okay.” I walked the way I came hearing another drawer be emptied.

I walked over to the stones, and set the right year book at the right stone. I kissed my hand, and then touched each stone. I popped up, with too much energy for a girl with an eating disorder, and left the garden.

~Thanks Giving Dinner~

Mom knocked on my door. I had been home for two days. We got a week off for thanks giving. I turned to face her, and held out the ends of the dress she had bought me for this night.

“How do I look?” I questioned.

When My parents where together they had planned this big ass meal in a hall inviting both of their families. They have been doing it since I was thirteen. Both of them didn’t want to tell their part of the family that the party was off, so they both bit the bullet and the party is still on.

“You look good and wear the heels that I bought you too.”

“Do I have to?” I asked as the doorbell went off.

“Yes.” She said, “Don’t you want to show your Father you’re still a composed Lady? That it’s what I taught you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then.”And then she left to get the door.

My Mom’s friend from high school had just recently moved back to town. He was recently divorced and he had a son a year older than me who loved to soak me with buckets of water on the fourth of July. Mom had invited him to the party so She’s taking him as her Date, considering Dad wil have that Blonde bimbo girl. I’ll be prancing around the dance floor with his son, Caden.

“Jackson!” Mom said, as a deep voice said her name. There was a slight silence then, “You’ve gotten so big Caden!”

I pulled on my other heel and two shiny black shoes came into view. I stood up, but my eyes kept traveling up.

“Careful there Char,” He chuckled. “You’ll break your neck.”

There he was. He wore pressed black slacks and a soft blue turtle neck witch brought out his blue eyes and made his blonde hair even lighter. He had definitely let it grow out.

“Caden?” I questioned, a little shocked.

He just laughed, “Yep. You got a little shrimpy.” He poked me in the shoulder.

“I have an eating disorder.” I told him, covering my shoulder because he poked me too hard.

It wasn’t his fault. The littlest touch now hurt me. When Mom gave me a hug when she came to pick me up I tried not to flinch. When I had got to my new room, all my boxes were still packed. My bed was now made and there was a whole new closet full of clothes. Clothes that weren’t too big for me.

“Yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair. “My Dad told me.”

“How-“

“Your Mom told him. She told him because She thought it might be a touchy subject for you. And she told my Dad to tell me to be careful when I touch you. She said you’re not the same Charlie. It’s going to take me a while so I’m sorry. I’m used to the Charlie what could tackle me in football.”

“I totally forgot I used to play football.” I smiled at a memory of taking down Caden.

“Are you ready yet Charlie?” Mom called. “The party is starting soon.”

“Yeah.” I called back.

I grabbed the light black jacket from my bed, and Caden held out his arm. I gave him a small smile and we walked into the living room.

“Hey Charlie.” Jackson gave me a hug. “You’re so pretty.”

“I get it from Mom.”

“Stop.” Mom laughed.

But it was true. I looked a lot like my mom even though I didn’t want to admit it. We took Jackson’s SUV. Caden had to help push me into the back seat. The hall was already full of people. Live music played from inside. Even though Mom and Dad weren’t together, I was excited for thanks giving dinner.

Music, family, even the food was good. Not that I was going to eat any most likely. But I was supposed to be getting better right? Caden helped me out of the car, and we headed inside. Right away I spotted my Dad. He was tall, and had on a tan suit. I headed over.

“Charlie!” He gave me a hug.

I played the good daughter and hugged him back. He was standing with his Mom the most judgmental woman I had ever known. Only she didn’t know it.

“Do you garden?” She questioned.

“No.” I said confused.

“Then how come you have scars on your arms like you’ve been weeding rose gardens?”

“Mother.” Dad warned.

“And what happened to you?” She demanded. “Half of you is missing. Doesn’t she look like Jenna?” She asked Dad.

"Sure.” He said.

Jenna was her Dead sister. I’ve never met her. She died when she was Seventeen.

“Mrs. Horn!” Caden came out of nowhere. “You look so beautiful. Are those new pearls?”

“They are!” She touched the necklace. “Thank you for noticing, Caden.”

Grandma might be old, but she never forgot a face. Especially one that gave her compliments. Caden was always saving my ass from her.

“Well I’m going to take Charlotte over here to the dance floor.”

“Becareful.” Grandma warned him. “She has two left feet that one.”

“I’ll take my chances.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me away. “Are you just going to let her talk to you like that?” He questioned.

“She’s going to die soon anyways.” I shook him off and headed to the large punch bowl.

I poured a cup, and took a drink.

“Yuck.” I held out the cup. “Taste this.”

Caden took the cup and choked on his sip. We had always done this when He had lived here. Take test samples of the food or drink the other thought was gross.

“It needs sugar. And a lot of it.”

“There’s some in the kitchen.”

Caden dropped the little cup into a near by trash can and followed me into the kitchen. I handed him a bag of sugar and we walked to the punch bowl. He dumped in some sugar and then looked at me. I shrugged a shoulder and he dumped in the rest of the bag. I mixed it as he walked to a trash can. He tossed the bag and grabbed a cup off the table. I poured him a spoon full.

“Much better.” He held out the cup.

I set the serving spoon down and took the cup. It was better. I drowned the cup.

“You know, I grew a right foot over the last few years.” I told him.

“Really?” He held out a hand with a smile.

I slapped my hand into his and we headed to the dance floor. As I said hello to the rest of my family they all pointed out how skinny I had gotten. At first It made me feel good about myself, but the more people who said it, I started to feel uncomfortable with the way I looked.  

~Taking Caden~

It was two days later, so I had been home for four Days. Mom and Jackson were out getting food. Caden was laying on his bed in the hotel. The movers hadn’t finished moving in their stuff yet. Which was understandable. They had a lot of stuff. They were rich. I was sitting on the other bed playing with a stuffed basketball. The hotel sweet was bigger than my house. I tossed the ball at him.

“What?” He demanded, looking at me.

“I’m bored.”

It was true. I had been watching him texting for the last ten minutes. I was starting to miss Clara, and how she talked all the time.

“What do you want me to do about it?”

“You’re an A hole now.” I told him. “You let that stupid phone ruin your youth.”

“Fine.” He shoved the phone into the pocket of his hoody. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I’ve been locked up in a crazy school for the last couple of months.”

“What’s it like?” He muttered looking down.

“There’s a lot of people who understand you. People who want you to get better.”

“So you’re there because you have an eating disorder?”

“I cut and I tried to kill myself too.”

“I know someone who cuts.”

“Who?”

He smiled up at me. “Want to watch a movie?”

“Uh, sure.”

We left the bedroom and headed into the living room. We had watched the movie for ten minutes when Mom and Jackson came back with pizza. For the next two days Caden and I stayed in the bedroom of the hotel. Caden had got his Xbox, and we played videogames and watched movies. We played that twenty questions game as well. The day before I had to go back to school Caden had took me to the mall and bought me clothes that fit me that I would actually wear. He had bout me new makeup and shoes and new suitcases.

He had also bought me a new backpack. I smacked him with a pair of shorts, as he had made a joke. We were in the laundry room in the hotel folding my new clothes. Caden Smiled and Reached for a shirt. And that’s when I saw it. Just A tiny glimpse, so fast I wasn’t sure.

“You okay, Charlie?” He asked, setting a shirt into one of the suitcases. 

“Uh yeah.” I shook my head and put in the shorts.

He reached for another shirt and his sleeve pulled up. I looked down and grabbed some jeans.

“I know you saw it.” He muttered.

“I kind of have an eye for it now.” I muttered back.

He hiked up his sleeve and handed me his arm. I looked at the newly made cuts.

“You know my school can help you.”

“I’m not going there.” He yanked his shirt down and zipped up my suitcase. “I’m not crazy.”

“And I am?” I questioned.

He hit the table and left the laundry room.

“Think about it Caden!” I called.

The elevator dinged. I’ve never been in this place before. Knowing cutting isn’t a good thing, and knowing someone who is doing it and they don’t want help? Yikes. What was I supposed to do to help him? How could I? I waited outside of the hotel for my Mom.

“Where’s Caden?” She smiled at me.

“We already said goodbye.”

I shut the back door and hopped in.

“You ready to go back to school?”

I glared at her.

“Sorry.” She started the car. “I forgot.”

I grabbed her hand and smiled. She smiled back and we pulled out of the lot. It was late when we got home. I took a shower and Mom straightened my hair before I headed off to bed. I had to be back at the school by Noon. So at eleven I shoved in my last suitcase into Mom’s trunk. I was about to shut it, when She waved over my shoulder. I turned around and Jacksons car pulled up to the curb.

“I thought you already said goodbye.” Mom said.

“Me too.”

Caden jumped out of the car and pulled open the back door. Two suitcases hit the floor, and when He shut the door he had a backpack slung over his shoulder. He grabbed the sticks of his bags and walked over. Jackson patted his back and he nodded.

“Room for one more?” Caden asked.

“Of course sweet heart.” Mom reached up and hugged him.

Caden looked at me as he shoved in his suitcases. He shut the trunk and I pushed his arm. He grinned and picked me up in a hug walking to my door. We both waved Mom away, and walked into the lobby.

“Charlie!” Maggie said, coming over.

We hugged.

“You look nice!”

“Thank you. This is My Friend Caden.”

“Hello Caden. I’m Maggie, The nurse for the suicide wing.”

He shook her hand as he looked at me.

“It’s where I stay.”

Maggie hurried off to greet another student and I walked Caden to the office.

“You can unpack.” The woman at the front desk said. “He’ll be here for a while.”

I walked down a hall and saw all my friends. I got a sudden urge to run down the hall and jump on them. I quickly waved and then grabbed the stick of my bag so it wouldn’t fall. They all waved back and hurried to me. But they suddenly stopped and crossed their arms. Confused I looked over my shoulder to an empty hall. I set both of my suitcases upright.

“Hi.” I tossed up a hand confused as I fixed my makeup bag strap around my neck.

“We’re supposed to be getting better.” Ayelie spat at me.

“I know.” I said confused at her attitude.

“Then why did you lose weight?” Clara demanded.

“What?” I looked down at myself. “I didn’t. I’m just wearing clothes that fit me now. Caden bought them for me.”

“Caden?”

Alex, Ayelie, and Clara asked confused. Owen said it with a sneer and Ryder had a tone of jealousy.

“You said you wouldn’t leave me.” Caden said coming to my side.

“I’m sorry. This is my friends.” They all stared at him.

“Owen.” Caden nodded.

“Caden.” Owen nodded back.

“You know him?” Clara looked up at Owen and pointed.

“We don’t get along.” Caden reflexively grabbed my hand.

With the same reflex I grabbed onto his.

“Please don’t hold my girlfriends hand.” Ryder pulled me away from Caden, with so much forse I fell against him.

“Ryder.” I looked up at him schocked.

Alex pulled Ayelie closer, and Owen did the same to Clara.

“Stop it.” I stepped away from Ryder to Caden. “What is the matter with you all?”

“You have an accent now?” Ayelie snorted.

“How long have you been hanging out with the Brit?” Owen demanded, nodding his head.

“Stop it.” I said sternly. “Caden is my friend, and if you’re my friend you’ll be nice!”

“But Charlie-“

“She’s right.” Alex stuck out his hand, cutting off Clara. “I’m Aelx.”

Caden grinned and shook his hand.

“Caden. Nice to meet you. And for the record I’m not British.” He grinned at Owen. “I’ve spent a couple of years in Australia as well.”

Owen spun around and walked down the hall.

“I’m sorry.” Clara shook her head and ran after him.

“Clara!” And there went Ayelie.

“Aylie!” Ryder jogged down the hall.

“I’ll talk to them.”

I nodded, Alex kissed my forehead and jogged after them.

“Come on!” He tossed up his hands.

“I thought you said they were nice.”

“My eating disorder taught me how to lie.” I informed him. “What wing are you in?”

“Same as you. Room one-oh-six.”

I swallowed. Daniel’s room.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” I grabbed my bags, “You’re next door to me. Come on.”

I showed Caden next door and then tossed all my old clothes onto the bed. I shoved my new clothes into my trunck and tossed all my old clothes in the suitcase. I zipped it up and took off my makeup bag, setting it on the bed. I took off my backpack as well and shoved everything that was in my old one into the new one. I had lost two shoe sizes thanks to my eating disorder. I shoved all my old shoes into a bag and stopped with one of them in my hands. I lifted the pad and gave a half smile, and shoved it into my bag.

“Who’s Daniel?” Caden asked.

“Hand me that bag.” I pointed.

He handed me the bag with my shoes, and I began to put them in my closet.

“How do you know about Daniel?”

“His name is carved into the desk.”

“He’s the kid that was in your room before you.”

“What happened to him?”

“ I’ll show you.” I stood up.

“Where we going?” He asked following me into the hall.

“You’ll see.”

Caden was silent as we looked down at the stones. There was fresh flowers and candles.

“You would of liked him.”

“You sure about that?”

I laughed, “Yes. And Alen too.”

I grabbed a year book and turned to the page.

“This is them.” I handed it over.

Caden studied their faces and ran a thumb over Ava.

“What about her? She’s pretty. What happened?” He looked at me.

I took the book and slammed it shut, and bent down. Caden flowed me.

“She killed herself when she heard that they were murdered."

“Murdered?”

I flopped on my butt and he followed suit.

“Alen and Daniel snuck out and some girl was about to get rapped. The guys were gang members. Daniel and Alen tried to help.”

“They got shot didn’t they?”

“Bang, bang.” I muttered pulling the trigger on my finger gun.

“They were good. They were trying to help.”

“They didn’t care Caden." I looked at him. “They didn’t care that they had a family, or friends.”

A jacket came down on my shoulder and I stood.

“If I keep taking all you’re jackets I’ll have to buy you one for Christmas.” I smiled at Ryder who kissed my nose.

Caden stood up too.

“Mr. Pepper is taking down the November decorations in the dining hall. He wants to know if you’ll help put up the december ones.”

“Sure.” I pulled my arms through the sleeves.

“You too, Caden.”

“Yeah sure.” Caden offered up a smile.

Ryder smiled back and grabbed my hand.

“Why are you smiling?” He asked as we headed to the hall.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” He kissed my head.

“Here.” Ayelie handed over a string of lights to Caden. “Have fun.” She grinned.

“I will.” He grinned back.

Ayelie snorted and walked to a box.

“I’ll hold the latter.” Owen said.

“Uh,” Caden began.

“I’ll hold the latter.” I said quickly.

Caden relaxed.

“Why are you taking his side?” Owen demanded.

“At least he didn’t let me think you were dead.”

“Well that’s not very humane of you now is it?” Caden asked.

I glared at him.

“Sorry.” He looked down at the string of lights.

“Hand the lights over to Charlie.” Clara said. “We need your freaky hight to help with the snow flakes. And Ryder will hold the latter.” She glared at Owen.

He didn’t Glare back, he actually Grinned at her.

“Stop.” She told him.

“I’m sorry.”

I was about to say something but Caden flopped the lights at me with too much force.

“Sorry.” He said, reaching out for me.

But Ryder had already grabbed me glare in place.

“It’s okay. And when you all grow up you’re going to have the worst wrinkles.”

Alex burst out laughing.

“Alright, got the other lights.” Mr. Pepper came into the hall.

“Light duty.” I raised a finger.

He handed over the box and grinned. “Nice to have you back Charlie. All of you.” He added louder. “I’ve missed you.”

“You’ve missed the free labor.” Owen joked.

“That I did.” Mr. Pepper laughed, grabbing a bag of cotton for fake snow.

Ryder grabbed a latter and we walked to the end of the room.

“I missed you.” He said after I set the box down. “I missed you a lot."

He kissed me, and Ayelie whistled. I knew it was Ayelie because she was the only one that could whistle like that. Ear shattering.

“Break it up,” Mr. Pepper called.

Ryder steadied the latter and I climbed up with a sting of lights.

“Okay, Hand me the gun.” I reached for the staple gun. “Ow!” I looked down at him. “Did you just bite my butt?”

“It’s my butt.” He shrugged.

I pushed his head and we laughed.

“Careful, don’t fall.”

I held the blue icicle lights to the wall and stapled them in place.

~The talent show~

We were all sitting under the tree smoking. Ryder was leaning against the tree, and I was leaning against him. Ayelie was leaning on Alex, who had an arm over her collar bones to our right, and to our left Clara sat next to Ryder, and Owen sat next to her.

“Look at this.” Caden Bent in front of me and held out a paper.

“Talent show.” I took the paper.

“We should get the band back together.” He smiled.

“No.” Owen and I said together.

“Why?”

“Band?” Clara looked at Owen.

“I’ll take that.” Ayelie leaned forward and snatched the paper from me before falling back on Alex.

“We where little.” Owen shook his head.

“It’s a good idea.” Caden took the pack of smokes from my pocket and took one.

He handed the pack over and pulled out a lighter.

“How’d you sneak that in her?.” Ayelie nodded.

“You really want to know?” Caden grinned.

“No.” Owen covered Clara’s ears.

Caden smiled, “You’re only saying no because you used to do it.”

Owen opened his mouth but it was me who spoke.

“We all did, now drop it.”

“So what do you say, Charlie?” Caden asked. “You still got that voice?”

“You sing?”

“No.” I looked at Clara and then at Caden. “No.”

“I want to hear you sing.” Ayelie said.

“Me too.” Alex said.

“No.” I sang.

Owen smiled.

“You sing with him.” I spat at him.

“No!” Him and Caden said together.

“I sound like a Wahle.” Owen said.

“A dying one at that.” Added Caden.

Owen tossed a hand out to him in agreement.

“It doesn’t matter.” Alex said and we all looked at him. “It’s a thing they do here. You pick a song or a play or anything about something you’ve been trying to get over here at school. It’s mandatory. They invite our parents and everything.”

“Perfect. You’re with me then, Charlie.” Caden grinned.

“Us?” Clara asked and Owne nodded.

“I’ll be with you.” Ayelie told Alex.

“Wait-“

“I’ll go solo.” Ryder kissed my head "It’s okay.”

“Perfect.” Caden grinned, “Then it’s settled.”

~The show must go on~

I had just Was standing off to the side of the stage behind the curtain as Clara and Owen came onto stage. I could tell Owen was nervous. I knew him. Clara sat on a stool and adjusted the microphone. She nodded at Owen and He nodded back. I was surprised to see him sitting behind the keyboard and so was Caden.

“I rubbed off on him.” He smiled.

“Sh.” I pushed his arm, with a smile.

“Oh darling, can’t you see the way we merge and intertwine? The day that you were born, I said ‘I knew you would be mine.’ I breathe in and you breathe out. I end where you begin. The fiber of your being and the shivers on your skin. Keep running up that hill my love, keep running to your dream. The life that you’re competing for, They’ll never hear your screams.

So dine upon my misery, and waste me to my core. Just waiting to be weightless, that’s all I’m asking for. Pastel pallor of your face, impassive air of icy grace. Your poker-face, your ribs of lace, dependent on my cold embrace. You’re losing at this sluggish pace, You idiotic waste of space. Your guilt and hunger I’ll erase, you’re winning in this brittle race. Keep running up that hill my love, keep running to your dream.

The life that you’re competing for, They’ll never hear your screams. So dine upon my misery, and waste me to my core. Just waiting to be weightless, that’s all I’m asking for. So punish me for starters, and exert me for dessert. Fragile skin so paper thin, just starve me if it works. Thrust your menu at my strength, seduction at its worst. You’ll be my friend until the end, together we are cursed.

Keep running up that hill my love, keep running to your dream. The life that you’re competing for, They’ll never hear your screams. So dine upon my misery, and waste me to my core. Just waiting to be weightless, that’s all I’m asking for. Glossy thinspiration, concave declaration, long limbed exacerbation, of this mental sublimation. Perfection by the pound, and feeling sinless by the stone, just waiting to be weightless, with the volume of my own. I’ll keep running up that hill, I will keep running to my dream, the life that I’m competing for, they’ll never hear my screams.

 So light and high, that I can fly. Above the rest I’ll sore. Just waiting to be weightless, that’s all I’m craving for.”

Everyone stood and clapped as they finished. They both bowed and then left and stood on the other side of the stage. Clara waved at me as I gave Ayelie a hug for support. She sat at the microphone, Alex at the piano.   

“There is a girl in the front of my class who I swear I’ve never seen do anything but laugh. She tall and she’s smart, beautiful and strong, and when someone’s down she tries to fix what is wrong. How does someone so perfect, feel so insecure as to scar her skin with cuts and burns, and still want to hurt more? How does someone so loving, learn to hate her own guts? Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade as if her mind isn’t dark enough. There is a girl in the front of my class who’s eyes are glazed over like newly cut glass. The ghost of a smile, hints at her face and she laughs as they tell her ‘Who’s on first base.’

How does someone so perfect, feel so insecure as to scar her skin with cuts and burns, and still want to hurt more? How does someone so loving, learn to hate her own guts? Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade as if her mind isn’t dark enough. There is a girl in the front of my class Who’s so sad that you find it rare to see her laugh. Her friends tell her jokes like that one with the guy, but all she does is close her eyes and enter her mind. How does someone so perfect, feel so insecure as to scar her skin with cuts and burns, and still want to hurt more? How does someone so loving, learn to hate her own guts?

Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade as if her mind isn’t dark enough. For her imperfections. There was a girl in the front of my class who yesterday took the breath that was her last. She wrote a few notes: I’m sorry I didn’t say, but my mind was messed up you couldn’t save me anyway. And to the girl in the back of the class who feels the way I did. How does someone so perfect, feel so insecure as to scar her skin with cuts and burns, and still want to hurt more?”

They bowed as everyone stood, and then they hurried over to Clara and Owen giving hugs.

“Come on. We’re up.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I’m scared.”

“You’ll be fine.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me on stage.

Everyone clapped as a spot light blinded me. I sat at the Microphone as Caden hit a couple of keys.

“I’ll be back.” He whispered.

“Wait.” I reached for him, but it was too late. He picked up the key board and left the stage.

Everyone stared at me waiting.

“Hi Mom.” I waved, and people laughed. “Jackson.”

He whistled. I looked around for my Dad but didn’t see him. At all. Caden came back with another key board.

“What was that about?” I hissed.

“That key board was off key.” He hit a couple of keys and smiled. “Ready?”

I nodded.

“Sophie cannot finish her dinner. She says she’s eaten enough. Sophie’s trying to make herself thinner, says she’s eaten too much. And her Brother says, “You’re joking?” And her Mother’s heart is broken. Sophie has a hard time coping, and besides Sophie’s hoping she can be just like all the other girls. Be just like all the other girls. Living in an ordinary world Just to fit in, in the ordinary world Just to fit in like an ordinary girl. Sophie's losing weight by the minute How did things get this bad?

Sophie's family, they don't understand it Gave her all that they had And her sister won't stop crying 'Cause her father says she's dying Sophie says she's really trying Problem is, Sophie’s lying

She can be like all the other girls Be just like all the other girls Living in an ordinary world Just to fit in, to the ordinary world Just to fit in like an ordinary girl

How did she get this way? How did she get this way? Through trying to hide it What does it take to say What does it take to say Shes dying, Sophie's dying.

To be like all the other girls Be just like all the other girls Living in an ordinary world Just to fit in, to the ordinary world Just to fit in and be like all the other girls Be just like all the other girls Living in an ordinary world. Just to fit in, to the ordinary world Just to fit in like an ordinary girl Just to fit in to the ordinary world just to fit in like an ordinary girl.”

“That’s my daughter!” Dad yelled.

He was standing at the back of the room with that blonde. He was late. I cut him a look and hurried off the stage.

“Ryder’s next.” Clara grabbed my hand. Ryder took the microphone off the stand and music began to play. Our mouths fell open as Ryder started to rap.

 "Dear friend, lover ex or whatever. I´m writing you to let you know I hope you feel better. I know that things are hard, the stress is so much. And when you reach out, all there are is uppercuts. And they are the cause for the ones on your wrist. the reason why you cry, make a ball of your fists. I understand that you have a lie you go through.

The fact that they yell and your brother would hit you. And no one gets you, the plastered on fake smile. The real one has been gone now for quite a while. So your arms bleed, but the blood tells you you´re living. It takes a way the numb feeling these people were giving. That razor blade has become your closest companion. It relieves all the pain you want to abandon.

Your arms are scared so you think you´re unlovable. But honestly I just want you to feel comfortable.

[refrain]

So please don´t cut, please don´t cut. I promise you you´re loved, so please don´t cut. Right now I see thaht you´re stuck in a rut. But please don´t cut, please don´t cut. And if you feel the need to say you´re all out of luck. I´m just a call away when things get rough. The fact of the matter is I know you´re enough.

So please don´t cut, please don´t cut. Put the blade down, it really isn´t worth it. No good will come from a slit up and bruised wrist. And you´re cover it, long sleeves so they won´t see. But you can´t hide all the hurt and pain from me. You say you´re miserable and there are times you want to die. But then you pull out a razor and cut while you cry. It makes you feel human, and like you are still alive.

But don´t you understand that the feeling is all a lie. You put your self in danger when you´re slicing up your skin. You´re only letting self-hate find it´s way in. I promise you´ll get better, but just meet me halfway. And please throw the razor and pins all away. I swear that you´ll make it, there´s no dubt in my mind. And if you look around, I know it´s what you find.

You´re gonna feel better once this door has been shut. Please make me a promise that tonight you won´t cut.

[refrain]

So please don´t cut, please don´t cut. I promise you you´re loved, so please don´t cut. Right now I see thaht you´re stuck in a rut. But please don´t cut, please don´t cut. And if you feel the need to say you´re all out of luck. I´m just a call away when things get rough. The fact of the matter is I know you´re enough.

So please don´t cut, please don´t cut. They label you, but not a single word is true. Who cares what the world is saying about you? They don´t know, they just assume. They´re not with you when you´re lonely up in your room. They not with you when you´re begging to up above. They´re not with you when you need a little love.

They don´t care when you have nothing to give. So who´s to say than you even would want to live? Every life is precious, and that is what I promise. If we never speak again, I hope you know I´m honest. You deserve to be happy, and clean from the cutting. You deserve to be a person who´s surrounded with loving. Every life is precious, and it´s something that I promise.

If we never speak again, I hope you know I´m honest. You deserve to be happy, and clean from the cutting. You deserve to be a person who´s surrounded with loving.

[refrain x2]

So please don´t cut, please don´t cut. I promise you you´re loved, so please don´t cut. Right now I see that you´re stuck in a rut. But please don´t cut, please don´t cut. And if you feel the need to say you´re all out of luck. I´m just a call away when things get rough. The fact of the matter is I know you´re enough.

So please don´t cut, please don´t cut. So please don´t cut, please don´t cut. I promise you you´re loved, so please don´t cut. Right now I see that you´re stuck in a rut. But please don´t cut, please don´t cut. And if you feel the need to say you´re all out of luck. I´m just a call away when things get rough.

The fact of the matter is I know you´re enough. So please don´t cut, please don´t cut."

Everyone clapped and he did some bows.

“Someone dropped out.” Mr. Pepper was urgent.

“They’re not allowed!” I objected looking to Alex.

“They left the school, and now I have a space open.”

“The band is back.” Caden smiled.

“No.” Owen and I said.

“Please.” Mr. Pepper asked.

 “l’ll play drums.” Alex offered.

“I’ll play base.” Ryder grabbed my hand and I dropped Caden’s.

“We’ll do it.” Caden said.

And Mr. Pepper ran on stage.

“Hey folks!” Everyone clapped. “Last minuet cancel so here’s a little band I like to call,” He looked over.

“Ana.” I called.

“Ana!” He announced, and everyone clapped.

My firneds looked at me.

“What? Most of us have eating disorders.” I said.

“Guys.” Mr. Pepper waved.

We all hurried out, and right away, Mom, Jackson, and Owen’s Mom stood up and yelled.

“Hey. So We’re going to perform.” I looked at Owen like I always did.

“Hey hey.” Alex said.

“Well okay.” I grinned.

I looked over and Ayelie and Clara went to the back mics to sing back up for us.

 

"Some people you can never please You might as well just let them be They mock everything not their own From their imaginary throne But I won't bow down, even if the whole world thinks I'm crazy So hey hey, this song is for us So put your hands in the air if you're crazy like us Hey hey Hey hey, that's freedom you hear Comin' right to your ear, that's the sound from our bus Hey hey Why try to be like someone else When you can only be yourself? No one can sing the song you do Be true, be legendary you So I won't sell out, even if the whole world thinks I'm crazy Why kiss the feet of the people who kick you When you can be anything that you want to?"

 

We played Hey hey by Super chick. The crowd stood up, and we had saved the day. Mr. Pepper was grateful and the show went on.

~Ana Cuts~

“Come on!” Caden hopped down the hall in front of me and Owen.

“You have to admit it was a blast. All those people dancing to our music.”

“It wasn’t even our music.” Owen glanced over at me for help and I nodded.

“True.” Caden held up a finger. “But it could be.”

Owen and I both lunged forward and Grabbed Caden’s arms before He bumped into a girl with a poster board.

“Sorry.” He waved before we moved on. “And After that you still don’t want to get the band back together?” He questioned.

“Nope.” Owen said.

“I don’t believe you, not for a second. We have a drummer and a bassist now. We’re perfect. And We already have a name.”

“I don’t have an eating disorder. And neither do you.” Owen pointed out.

“Yeah, but Charlie does, and Ryder. What about Alex?” Caden looked at me.

“I’m not entirely sure why Alex is here.” I looked down.

Self-harm, from his depression?

“Well he’s skinny enough to have one. And what if we changed the name to Ana cuts?” Caden liffted an eye brown.

I looked at Owen, “I really like that name.”

“Yes!” Caden jumped, “Two for the band!”

“She said she liked the name not that she was going to be in it.” Owen looked at him.

“I think it’s a good idea.” Alex came to walk between Owen and I. Caden was still walking backward excitedly. “We’re all stuck in this place, so we might as well have something to keep us bussy. You know to get our minds off of why we’re here.”

“Ana cuts.” Owen said.

“Ana cuts.” Caden held up his hands.

“Ana Cuts.” I nodded.

“Ana cuts.” Alex tossed up a hand agreeing.

“Ana cuts.” Ryder came to my other side and held out his hand.

Caden put in his hand followed by Alex. Alex grabbed my hand and put it on top of his. I left it there.

“Come on little Owen.” Ayelie slapped a hand on mine.

“Yeah.” Clara squezzed beteen me and Alex slapping on a hand.

“Come on Owen. Hurry up and put your hand in before people start to think we’re praying to a cult.” I muttered looking around

“This is a fuckin’ cult.” He slapped his hand in.

We all tossed our hands into the air.

“Yeah!” Caden laughed, slapping Ryder’s hand as they pulled each other into a hug.

Clara pulled me into a hug by my shoulders.

Ana Cuts.

~The next couple of Days~

The next couple of days went by. The band started to get fans, we all started to gain a little more wieght, and the dinning hall looked great. We even had a tree that made the hole hall smell like pine. Chrismas cheer was in the air. You could smell it. Today they where letting us go home for a week for christmas. Christmas was my second favorite holiday. I loved the lights. That was my favorite part.

~Going home~

“There they are!” Jackson smiled as he saw us.

He was standing next to Mom in the lobby of the school with the other parents. He pulled Caden in for a hug, and then pulled me in for one.

“You ready to see the new place?” He grinned at his son.

“I guess.”

“Ready for Christmas?” Jackson asked me, not wanting to let his good mood slip.

I played along. “It’s my second favorite holiday.”

Mom pulled us two into hugs and then we headed back to the car. Caden’s new house was huge, and it was so pretty. Caden just sighed, rolled his eyes at me and walked up the walk way. I followed behind him at a slower pace looking around.

“Do you like it Charlie?” Jackson asked from behind me.

“I love it.” I grinned looking at the top floor. “It’s really pretty.”

“I made you a room here.”

“You did?” I asked turning to him.

“Yep!” He laughed, with Mom. “You have your own bathroom and a walk in closet and-“

“Thank you!” I hugged him.

“Not a problem.” He laughed. “I thought you would need a place to stay when you had sleep overs with Caden. It’s the fourth door upstairs on the right.”

The foyer was huge and tall, but that could wait I was excited to see my room. I pushed open my room. Holy shit. I ran and jumped on my bed.

“Don’t get too excited.” Caden said from the door way. “Dad usually over does it. Have you seen your bathroom?”

I grinned at Caden and yanked open the door to my bathroom. I was in heaven.

“I told you.”

“Dream crusher.” I glared at him.

“You have to at least admit that the statues are a little scary.”

My eyes slid from his to the statues, and back to him. “I admit it.”

He smiled and crossed his arms.

“But look at this shower! You could fit seven people in there.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him into the shower. “I can see myself taking a shower in here.”

“Alone I hope.” Caden said, reaching for the door. He looked at me. “It’s stuck.”

“What?” I hurried to him.

“Just kidding.” He pushed it open.

“Ass hole.” I smacked his chest and walked out.

He laughed, “I can’t believe you’re still afraid of being trapped."

“That elevator scared my mind okay?” I demanded.

“We were six.”

“I doesn’t matter.” I grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the bathroom. “Now help me find my closet.” My closet was huge. I’ve never seen a closet so big in my entire life. When I was little my Mom had a small walk in closet, and I would sit in there for hours playing dress up. I touched the dresses, and the makeup desk.

“Damn.” Caden muttered.

“Damn is right.”

“Race you to the pool!”

We both jerked to the door and pushed each other to the pool.

“I win!” Caden announced pumping the air with his fist.

But I was coming in hot, and tackled him into the pool. I came up for air first.

“Yes!” He laughed hitting a fist into the water, making a wave.

I splashed him, “Hey!”

“You can still tackle!”

A woman in a maid’s outfit ran to the edge of the pool. She was older. She began to yell at Caden in a different language. Caden grinned, and then she damn started yelling at me!

“Uh.” I looked at Caden.

Caden grinned at me and told her something.

“Good for her.” Caden muttered to me as the woman yelled. “So you know how hard it is for me to get chlorine out of clothes? Get out of the pool this instant. Leave your clothes in the Landry room so I can clean them. You’ll catch a cold!”

Caden said something and swam to the edge.

“Come.” She waved at me with an accent I couldn’t place.

She grabbed my arm and helped me out of the pool.

“Pretty girl.” She smiled, shook her head, and wobbled to the house.

“Who the hell is that?” I demanded.

“It’s Maria. She’s from Italy, she’s in charge of food and stuff.”

“So like a second wife who doesn’t speak English?”

“Come on.” He laughed slinging an arm around my shoulders. “I’ll teach you how to speak Italian.”

We changed clothes and walked down to the kitchen.

“That’s the table?” I asked, squinting at the four chair table. “I thought it would be bigger.”

“Come on.” Caden tapped my arm.

“Where?”

“I’ll show you the formal dining room. And then the living rooms.”

“You have two living rooms?” I asked, hurrying after him.

“And a sunroom.”

He showed me everything and then We found Mom and Jackson in the sun room.

“Ready?” Jackson asked.

“For what?” Caden asked.

“We’re heading over to the fish store to get some Koi for the pond.” Mom said, picking up her tea glass.

“Can I pick some out?” I asked, taking her glass.

“Of course you can.” Jackson seemed to be enjoying himself that I was so excited.

“Yuck.” I handed mom the glass back.

“What did you think of your room?” Jackson asked eagerly. “I’ve never had a daughter so I thought I would spoil you. You’re the only thing I have closeest to a daughter.”

His words had touched me, and His smile was true.

“I loved it-“

“She loved it so much she even yanked me into her shower.” Caden said.

Mom choked on her tea.

“Only because I was showing him it was big.” I quickly said. “And then he tried to say the door got stuck.” Caden’s mouth fell open.

“You know she’s afraid of being trapped.” Jackson said.

“It was a joke!” Caden looked at Mom. “Honest.”

“I know.” Mom patted his shoulder.

He stuck his tongue at me, and My mouth fell open.

“Okay!” Jackson said quickly before it could escalate. “Fish. And then I’m giving you both money to buy presents for everyone. Me and Your Mom already finished shopping for you guys.”

“Really?” Caden asked. “What did I get? Did I get that new key board?”

“I don’t know.” Mom smiled.

“I did, didn’t I!” Caden grinned at her. “There’s no key board in my room So I must have gotten it. I always have one in every house in my room.” He told the last part to me.

We all left the sunroom to the car, us talking about what we could have gotten. After we got the Fish Mom and Jackson set us free in the mall.

“Meet in the food court in an hour?” Caden asked.

“An hour and a half.”

“Deal.” We both High fived and then we went separate ways.

I went straight to the video game store. Caden had been telling me about the Xbox game he wanted really badly but he wasn’t going to be able to get it because He would be with me in the crazy school. He also wanted a head set so he could game on line, and he wanted a cordless controller. I grabbed the game a blue cordless controller, and a matching blue head set. The last one. I thought I was going to have to tackle an old woman for it but she put it back saying that her grandson would like the red better.

“Swoop.” I muttered, snatching it off the shelf.  

Even though I hurried to get into line I had waited twenty minutes.

“Is this a present?” The casher asked. “I can put it in the box with paper.  You can wrap it later when you get home.”

“Sure.” I nodded.

I handed over the money and she handed over the box. Next was my Mom. There was a really expensive perfume that she loved, and she could only get it when My parents were having a good month. She hadn’t had a bottle in a while. I checked out with a box of the perfume and a small roll on perfume. When I was younger I would get Jackson ties. He would be good spirited about it and wear the multi colored ties.

But now it was different. I didn’t want to give him a tie or socks. But then I remembered something from when I was very little. Jackson was sitting on a couch, reading a book. I had no idea where we were, but I remembered the book was on its last leg. When I had asked him about it he said it was one of his favorites and he had read it so many times, but he was afraid he was going to have to retire it soon. A week later their dog got ahold of it and ripped it to shreds.

Jackson was heartbroken. I made a quick stop at the book store bought four books and headed to the food court. Caden pushed off the wall and tossed up a hand, when He saw me.

“Sorry!” I waved. “Not you.” I told an old man, as I passed.

“What took so long?”

“The damn line from where I got your present.”

“Which line was it?”

“Clever.”

“I tried.”

“What did you get me?”

“I got you- So close.”

I grinned.

Jackson had picked us up and gave us wrapping paper. We took it to our room and wrapped it up.

“Ready?” Mom asked when we came down stairs.

“Ready for what?” I asked.

It was just getting dark.

“To go to the tree farm!” Jackson said, hurt we forgot. “It’s tradition!”

And it really was when we were really little. So off we went finding the biggest and tallest tree. We had decorated the tree, and then Caden and I had climbed the double sided ladder to put the star on top. Then Mom and I had gone home for the night. It was two in the morning when someone in my dream was banging on the front door. Only it was in real life too.

“Mom!” I called. “Door!”

I waited a couple of seconds of quiet and then the door was knocked on.  I tossed off my blanket and walked to the door. I yanked it open and Caden and I glared at each other. He was in a grey shirt and plaid bottoms.

“What?” I demanded.

“Can I sleep here?” He asked. “My Dad is getting the down stairs bathroom retiled and they’re using a jack hammer.”

“It’s two in the morning!” I objected.

“He doesn’t sleep.” Caden pushed past me.

I shut and locked the door. By the time I went back to my bed Caden was already sleeping. I hopped in on the other side.

~Suprise!~

When I had woke up I was laying on Caden. I popped up and looked at him. He was fast asleep. I poked his cheek but didn’t get a response. I shrugged and jumped in the shower.

“So I see you have a stowaway in your bed.” Mom said, as she set my breakfast down.

“Jackson is retiling the bathroom down stairs.” I pushed away my plate of eggs bacon sausage and toast. “Vegetarian.”

“Right, sorry. That’s Caden’s.”

She set my plate down and I saw something glitter on her hand. She reached for a cup of orange juice and set it down in front of me.

“Mom?” I asked carefully.

“Yeah?” She looked over her shoulder from the counter.

“What’s on your finger?”

She quickly sat down across from me, “Okay please don’t freak out.”

“You’re getting married!” I yelled. “To who!”

“Jackson asked me a couple of days ago. We’ve gotten even closer since we last saw you kids."

“Caden!” I screamed.

“Don’t!” Mom hissed but it was too late.

“What!” Caden ran out of my room, hair sticking up in random places.

“Mom and Jackson are getting married!”

“What!” He yelled and hurried to mom, pulling her into a hug. “Congratulations!”

“That’s not the reaction I was looking for.” I muttered.

“I have to plan a bachelor party. And you’ll do one for your Mom.” Caden glanced at me. “This is really exciting. I always knew you guys would get married. I knew you were soul mates. What’s wrong with you?” Caden looked at me; I had my mouth hanging Open. “Be happy for Mom!”

Mom looked at me and Shrugged.

“Fine.” I agreed and she clapped. “But I’m not going to wear a puffy dress for the wedding. It just isn’t me.” I sat back down in front of my food.

“I have to congratulate Dad!”

“But I made you food!”

Caden shoved the two bacon strips into his mouth with the sausage and then picked up the plate, dumping the eggs into his mouth. He drowned it with a drink of orange juice, and grabbed his toast.

“Thanks Mom. Later sister.” He kissed my forehead and jogged from the house, locking the door behind him.

Mom looked at me.

“At least one of your kids doesn’t have an eating disorder.” I told her.

Mom glared at me and tossed a dish towel at my head.

~Moving in~

“You know.” Mom said coming into my room, and leaning against a door. “You’re being pretty calm about this.

I had just finished patting down the tape strip on my bedding box.

I grinned up at her, “It’s a good thing I didn’t unpack any of my things.”

She grinned. “That’s my little fighter. Hurry up and help me with packing up some of the coffee mugs. The moving van will be here at one.”

“Doesn’t Jackson have enough mugs at his house?” I asked.

“I’m sure you have a coffee mug you don’t want to leave behind.” She left my room.

“Not my Smiley face cup!” I yelled, running from the room.

I jumped on her back and she carried me to the kitchen. I jumped off and opened a cupboard. I pushed apart some mugs and there it was winking at me.

“Hello old friend.” I took it out.

It came with a matching bowl, but Caden had it. I put it in some newspaper and then set it in a box.

“Are you sure you want to move into that big ass castle?” I asked.

“It’s what married people do. And wait ‘til you see his summer house this summer. It’s in London.”

There was a knock on the door.

“I’ll get it.” I opened the door and Caden pushed in.

“Dad sent me over to see if you need any help. He’s at the office, He wanted me to tell you he’s having a party tomorrow for Christmas it’s a work party.” He poked me in the arm. “Did you hear me?”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah.”

“So he has set up a hair and makeup artist for us. You too Mom.”

“Is that necessary?” Mom asked.

“I told you he over does it.” He grabbed a mug. “So we’ll have a family dinner tonight, just us. And he started putting the presents under the tree, and you have a pretty big one, Sis.”

“How big?” I quickly hurried over.

“Beefy big.”

“Beefy big.” I nodded.

“And So do I.” He looked at Mom. “I know I have a key board I just know it. Oh and our teacher is coming over after tomorrow, Charlie.”

“Teacher?”

“Yeah, we’re going to learn French. I’ll teach you Italian on the side. As promised.”

“Alright.” I shrugged a shoulder, and handed him a cup.

It was strange, us all moving together like an actually family. As Caden had said, when we were growing up I had always felt a spark between Mom and Jackson. Caden and I had always acted like siblings. Mom said when He moved I cried for a week. And then I met  Owen and things got better. Caden came to visit once when he was twelve and Right from the start him and Owen didn’t get along. Caden and I got into a fight and he stopped coming to visit me. I started to cling to Owen.

The guys had come over and started to move stuff into the moving van.

“Wait until you see what’s in the basement.” Caden bumped my arm as we sat in the back seat of my Mom’s car watching her talk to one of the movers.

“What did you get me?”

“Not telling you.” He smiled at me.

I sighed as Mom got in.

“How hard is it to drive to a new house?” She demanded slamming her door. “You damn drive around for a living don’t you?”

We both looked at each other and then looked down not saying anything.

~Ugly Christmas Sweaters~

“I have Maria making a pot roast-“ Jackson came into the foyer as we came in.

“Hi Dad.” Caden ran to a door, and opened it to stairs.

I ran after him, “I’m a vegetarian.”

“I have a separate roast for you Charlie!” He called down the stairs. “Vegetarian!”

“Thanks!” I called back up.

I found myself in a home theater with a big screen and soft couches.

“Ready?” Caden grinned holding out a controller.

“I’m so going to kick your ass.” I grabbed it and hopped over the back of the couch, sinking into a square.

Caden followed suit, “Oh please you don’t even know how to move your view stick without getting a head ache!”

He grabbed a remote pushed a button and the game was on. I hid behind a building.

“Come find me.”

“I already know where you are.” Caden said, shooting another player.

“No you don’t. Don’t lie.”

“Dude.” He said, shooting another, “I can see you on my map.”

“Then come find me.” He sighed and started running.

“Hey!” I objected making my guy jump off a ledge. “How are you running?” I started to push random buttons, shooting someone that just walked around the corner. “Well Alright!”

Caden reached over and pushed a button on the top of the controller, and my guy began to run.

“Whoo!” I said, running in a circle. Someone shot me. “Aw!”

Caden laughed.

“It was you, wasn’t it fucker!”

He laughed harder.

“It’s so on!”

“Come find me.”

“How?”

“Use your map!” He pointed with a finger taking down another person.

Someone walked from behind a wall. I screamed and held out my controller and fired.

“Did I get him?” I asked.

“You got him.”

I slowly opened an eye and my guy went down.

“Are you serious?” I looked at Caden who was laughing again. “You know what?”

I reached over and pushed buttons on his controller.

He reached forward out of my reach. I had made him fall off a ledge.

“Ah, fuck!” He said, “Gang territory!”

He shot off rounds in a circle, and then punched the air.

“Whoo!” He yelled. “Did you see that?” He looked over at me.

“Uh-huh,” I said making my little guy run as fast as he could.

I had Caden in my sights.

“That was the most I ever killed in one sweep. I-"

The tv made the little killed music and Caden looked at the screen.

“What!”

“Yes!” I tossed my controller into the air, clutched in both hands. “Oh yes!”

“What!”

“Don’t be Cocky Brother.” I grinned at him.

“It’s so on!”

“Catch me if you can.” I ran through a perk.

“No!”

“What did I get?” I asked.

“You blinded my map.”

“Oh yes!” I yelled. “You better run, ‘cause I’m coming in hot.”

“Not to day you’re not.” He reached over and pushed buttons.

I jumped up and ran closer to the screen, “Bam! Right in the head!” I yelled as the screen read ‘Head Shot!’

We played for an hour when Jackson called us up for dinner.

“Before we eat, I got us all something.” Jackson handed me a red sweater.

“Oh sweet.” I pulled it on.

He handed one over to Mom and then held one out to Caden, as I picked up a glass of grape juice.

“I’m not wearing that.” Caden said.

“Come on we’re going to take pictures.” Jackson shook the sweater.

“Opps.” I wiped at my boob, as everyone looked at me. “I got grape juice on my ugly sweater.”

 “Can’t you just be fun for once?” Jackson demanded.

Caden yanked the sweater from him and pulled it on.

“Thank you.” Jackson said, pulling one over his head leaving the kitchen. “We’re eating in the sun room.”

I handed a grape juice glass over to Caden.

“This is ridiculous.”

“At least you have a Dad to do stupid silly things with.” I left the kitchen.

The sunroom didn’t have any lights. Instead it was lit with White Christmas lights and candles.

“Do you like it girls?” Jackson asked. “I got off work early to do it just for you.”

“It’s beautiful.” Mom gave him a kiss.

“It really is.” I looked up.

“Why don’t you do things like this for me?” Caden asked.

“Because you never like it. You just say it’s cool.” Jackson said. “Charlie enjoys the little things. I think I spoiled you too much.”

“I’m not spoiled.” Caden muttered sitting next to Mom.

“Can I have the lights when you take them down?” I asked, as I sat next to Jackson. “I want to hang them over my bed. I’ll take some to school too.”

“They won’t let you have them, Charlie. You’re in the suicide wing, they’ll think you’ll try to hang yourself like a Christmas tree.” Caden said.

“That’s true.” I sighed.

Jackson and Mom just stared at us.

“Maybe if I promise-“

“No dude. Not until you get out of the suicide wing.”

“I can do that?”

“Yeah, I asked.” Caden set his grape juice down. “I’ll go in the cutting wing when I get out.”

“I guess I would go to the eating disorder wing again.”

“So,” Jackson clapped his hands, “What’s your favorite part of Christmas?”

“I like the lights.” I sat up a little taller when Caden didn’t say anything. “And I kind of like this sweater too. I never did funny things like this with my Dad. I always did them with you.”

“You did, didn’t you?” Jackson smiled at me, “And you loved it to.”

“It was fun.” I said. “It was different. And I only got to do it once a year.”

“Did you see the lights outside?”

“Yeah, I liked that they were blue.”

“I think it added a nice charismas touch,” Mom added in. “Don’t you Caden?”

“Yeah.” He smiled at her, “Sure.”

A man came in followed by others, they each held a tray. The first man grinned and spoke in Italian.

Mom looked at Jackson.

“He said, Food’s ready, and it looks perfect.”

Mom looked surprised. Someone set a plate down and I asked if it was vegetarian just in case. After reassuring me, he moved on.

“Caden is a good teacher.” Mom touched his arm.

“Charlie learns fast.” Caden grabbed a bun.

After we had finished dinner we all gathered by the fire place to take a picture.

“I will smack you if you don’t Smile!” Maria threatened Caden.

Mom looked to me. “If he doesn’t smile she’ll smack him.”

Caden grinned, and the picture was snapped.

“Silly yes?” Maria asked.

I licked my finger and stuck it in Caden’s ear. Caden sucked in some breath and Maria took the picture. We watched a movie in the family room with a cup of Coco and then headed to bed. I stuck my presents under the tree and bumped into Caden who held rapped boxes.

~What's it like?~

“I think you get one point for presentation.” He said, bending down.

He moved the boxes around and waved me forward.

“Here’s your beefy one.”

I bent down beside him holding onto his leg. My balance was still really bad.

He looked at me, “What’s it like?”

“What?”

“To have an eating disorder.”

I sat down, and we layed back on our elbows looking at the tree.

“Well it starts off easy. You have to hate yourself. The way you look, talk, feel. Everything. From there on it just goes downhill. You get cold a lot faster, your hands get really ugly and boney, your vision starts to blur, and you get dizzy.

You’re balance sucks and your nails turn purple blue because you have a lack of nutrients. You start to crave people telling you look good because you’ve lost weight. When people start to talk about how you look, it makes you feel so small, so you want to be that small, and you just don’t stop. I’ll stop when I’m skinny, you can promise, but you never get skinny enough. When you reach your goal you start to have another one.”

“How much do you weigh?”

“One-fifteen.”

“How much did you weight?” He asked voice low.

“One-eighty.” I said just as low.

“How did it get so bad so fast?”

“I don’t know.” I looked at the star. “It takes over your whole life, and the more you lose the better. When you get dizzy it starts to be a thrill for you. You love it, you want to feel it more. You want to look like all the other girls. The ones who are super skinny, and have bones sticking out.”

“You’re bones do stick out though.”

“Not as much as I want them to Caden.”

“You still want to starve?”

“It will never go away. The thoughts will always be in the back of your mind, no matter how better you get. It takes a second to be anorexic and a life time to try to fix it.”

“Do you think it needs to be fixed?”

“It will never be fixed. I promise you that, Brother.”

“Will you be okay?”

“One can only hope.” I smiled up at the star.

“I wish I had something to tell you.” He said. “You know how it is to cut.”

“Tell me about you wanting to die.” I looked at him, but he was looking at the star. “I’ve only done it once because I was in the crazy school.”

He didn’t look at me.

“It creeps up on you. Mostly when you’re alone, but sometimes not even then. It’s like a black hole that you have to constantly fight to not get sucked into. You’re alone. No one understands that you want to die. They don’t get it. You don’t even get it. You just feel like you should be dead.”

I looked at the star.

“Does it get better?”

“One can only hope.” He smiled over at me.

“We should head to bed.” He stood up and held out his hands. “Come on.”

“Easy. I’m fragile.” I held up my hands. “I get head rushes.”

He pulled me up carefully.

“You good?”

“Yup.”

We snuck past Maria and up the stairs. We hugged on the landing and then headed to bed. I pulled on a big T-shirt, some black Pj bottoms and climbed into bed.

~Beffyiest gift of all~

“Wake up, wake up!” A pound sounded on my door.

I grinned tossed off my blankets pulled on my silk robe and yanked open my door. Caden grinned and we ran down the stairs.

“There they are.” Mom laughed as we skidded to a stop.

She pulled Caden in for a hug and a kiss.

“Hey princess.” Jackson dropped one on my head.

“Are you guys ready?” Mom sked.

We all went to the tree.

“Big ones first.” Caden set my present in front of me, and then grabbed his.

“You go first.” I nodded as Jackson started to film.

“You sure?” Caden grinned at me.

“Go.” I nodded once.

“Alright.” He blew some air out. “Please be a key board.” He ripped open the paper and punched the air, “Yes!”

He jumped up and ran to mom, for a hug. He hugged Jackson next then sat back down yanking off the paper.

“Your turn Princess.” Jackson zoomed in on me.

“I’m nervous.” I Looked at mom.

“What are you nervous for?” She laughed.

“Okay.” I blew out some air, and looked at Caden.

He nodded.

I grabbed the top of the paper and ripped straight down. 

“No way!” I grinned at the flat screen Tv. “This is so cool!”

Jackson and Mom laughed. I hugged them both and we finished off our presents.

“I’ll go first.” I said getting up and going to the tree. “I’m too excited to wait.”

I grabbed Mom’s present and handed it over. I sat at her feet and waited for her to open it. Caden crawled over as well, Jackson zooming in.

She shook the box, and smiled at me. I smiled, and nodded.

“Alright.” She picked at the tape. “Here we go.”

I watched her face as she opened it. She started laughing, and opened an arm, “Thank you sweaty.” I hugged her, and she showed Jackson. “I can only get it when I have money. It’s expensive.” She wiped a tear away.

I scooted to the tree on my knees and grabbed Caden’s box, then scooted back.

“Your turn.” I pushed it to him.

He ripped it open right away, and then stared on the tape from the box.

“No way!” He pulled out the controller and the head set, “and in blue!”

“There’s one more.” I pointed.

“There is?” Caden set the controller and head set down and dug in the box. “Are you kidding me?” He grabbed the game and held it to the camera. “Seriously?”

He dropped the game and tackled me onto the rug.

“Don’t kill your sister!” Jackson laughed, “She’s only been here for one night!”

“Thank you!” He said as he hugged me.

“Okay.”

I took the camera from Jackson and handed it over to Caden. Jackson sat down and I gave him the box. I sat down by mom’s chair.

“Zoom in.” I told Caden.

In the same fashion as his son he ripped open the paper. I bit my lip as he opened the box. His face fell, and he looked at me.

“You remembered?” His eyes got watery.

“Of course I did.” I tried to not cry.

“What is it?” Mom asked.

Jackson held up the copy of Dracula. The book he was reading when I was a little girl.

“That’s it.” Mom said, grabbing the box of tissues off the table stand.

“There’s more.” Jackson set the book aside. “Moby Dick?” He grinned, “Wuthering heights?” He pulled it out, “Pride and prejudice, The classics.” He grinned at me. “Come here.”

I got up and walked to him, he pulled me into a hug. “You’re the best daughter anyone could ask for.” He kissed my head.

“Thanks Dad.”

“Did you hear that?” He yelled at the camera. “She called me Dad!”

Caden laughed, and handed Mom the camera.

“Mine next.” He handed Jackson a box.

He ripped it open as I put his books into the box.

“Do my kids know me or what?” he asked, Mom holding up the copy of Edgar Allen Poe poems. “Best Christmas ever.” He stood, “Love you son.”

“Love you too. Mom.” Caden held the box out.

I grabbed the camera and zoomed in on them.

“The best gifts come in little packages.” She smiled, and opened the box. “Oh my.”

“See.” Caden scooted closer to her on his knees, “It has a soccer ball because you went to all my games and cheered until you lost your voice, and this is that one time Dad couldn’t go to my recital, and you made it in his place.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s a little piano.” She hiccupped, pointing at the charm on the bracelet.

“ And Remember that one time you took me to the Doctor ‘cause I broke my arm? You almost killed the nurse because she didn’t give me a lollypop.” Mom laughed and kissed his face.

“And then his ones for that one time-“

“I fixed your first broken heart.” Mom sobbed once.

“Alice Vancor.” He nodded.

“I love it!” She yanked him halfway onto her lap. “Thank you sweat heart! Put it on.” She sniffed, and handed it to him.

He put it on, and Mom showed the camera. I smiled. I had been present for all of those events. I had Caden’s back on the soccer field, I had sang when he was playing the piano, and Mom almost did strangle the nurse, and then demanded I got a lollypop too for her mistake. And it was I who had pushed Alice into a mud puddle after she had accepted Joeys bracelet and had tossed Caden’s on the ground, and said ‘Haha!’

“Alright. Charlie’s present.” Caden went to the tree and I handed over the camera to Jackson.

“Here.” Caden knelt in front of me.

I ripped open the box and stared at what was indside.

“Remember when I promised I would fix it?” He asked, his face a little worried. “Do you like it?”

And then I was crying. I set the box down and pulled him into a hug.

“Thank you.” I dug my face into his neck.

“You’re welcome.”

“What is it?” Mom aksed.

I pulled it out.

“Oh.” Mom cried again.

I wound the little knob and the little princess at the top of the castle twirled and it sang. I didn’t remember were I got it from, but it had broke when I was a little girl. I was so sad about it, and Caden promised he would glue it back together, but he never had the chance.

“And since I didn’t buy you that one.” He handed me a box.

“A second present?” I asked.

“Well it’s more for me than you.” He grinned. “Open it.”

I opened it and laughed.

“It’s purple.” I pulled out the cordless controller and the matching head set.

“Custom made.” Caden grinned. “I know you don’t care took much for pink.”

“I love them.” I gave him another hug.

“So I wanted to show you something Caden.” Jackson said, walking to the tree. “Come here.” Jackson grabbed a small picture, “It’s the biggest present for you and Charlie. The picture will let you know what it is.”

“What is it?” Caden shuffled over and took the picture.

Caden looked at Jackson and then at Mom mouth open.

“What is it?” I wanted to know.

“Show your sister.” Jackson nodded.

Caden showed me the picture.

“You’re pregnant!” I yelled at my Mom jumping once. “Holly shit!”

Mom laughed and held out a paper, “Want to see the other one?”

“Yeah.” I took it. “Wait twins!” I yelled.

Mom laughed again.

“Can your body handle it?” Caden asked Mom.

“Caden!” I hissed.

“It’s fine.” Mom said. “He has every right to know. Because I am a little older now we asked the Doctor.”

“And?” We both said.

“The Babies and I are all fine.” She smiled.

“Yes!” Caden scooped me up off the floor. “Oh my God!”

“So if they're was a boy,” Mom began. “What would you –“

“Caleb.” I cut her off.

“Coltan.” Caden added.

“And Chloe for a girl.” I added.

“I kind of like, Oh never mind,” He laughed. “I was going to say Charlotte.” We all laughed with him,

“Mayb... I’m only coming up with Caroline.”

“That’s cute.” I nodded.

“I like it too.” Mom nodded.

"Can I have these?” I asked. “I want to make a Baby book.”

“Yeah,” Caden said. “She made a kick ass year book.”

“Sure.” Mom nodded.

“And I was thinking about a nice yellow for the room."

“No!” I moaned, “Don’t do that to them!”

“They have to have individuality!” Caden said on my side.

“How about if it’s a girl Caden will do her room, and Charlie will do the boy’s room. A little gender switch up.” Jackson offered.

“Best room wins, Sister?” Caden grinned.

"No!” Mom moaned.

“Yes.” I pointed at him.

“And we should put the names in a bowl when we find out the gender so it will be fair.” Caden said.

“Oh! And can we tell the Doctor to put the gender in an envelope and bring it to a bakery and have surprise cakes? I think it would be good for the book.” I said.

“I’m in.” Jackson said.

“Me too.” Mom agreed. “Are you still filming?”

“Yeah, whoops.” He turned it off.

I took my presents up stairs and grabbed my back pack. I had snagged a picture book from Mr. Pepper, he had extra ones. I knew it would come in handy. I took out a gold marker, and stuck the pictures inside.

'Baby A and Baby B, A boy or girl? Soon we Shall see.’ I wrote down.

“We should write that on the cake.” Caden said.

“You scared me.” I jumped.

“Sorry.” He grinned. “Dad told me to tell you to take a shower because the stylist wants freshly washed hair.

“Okay.”

He left my room pulling his phone out of his pocket. I sat down and grabbed my cell phone box. I pulled the phone out and turned it on. I set it on the bed side table to charge and jumped in the shower.

~Step Daughter~

The stylist’s name was Jenna. She was quick with my makeup and hair, because she knew what she was doing. I pulled on a red dress and a pair of black heels. I hurried down stairs.

“You’re Jackson’s step daughter right?” A woman asked. “You are just so pretty.”

“His daughter, yes.” I said sternly.

“Do you know where he is?” She asked, tripping a little, as I narrowed my eyes. “I work with him.” “Sure, He’s in the ally, out front.”

“Okay.” She turned to the front door, and Caden caught her shoulders.

“She’s kidding he’s by the pool.”

“Thanks,” She left

Jackson walked out of the kitchen, and into the formal living room.

“You are so evil.” I laughed.

“An alley?” He questioned.

“You want to test out our stuff in the basement after the party?” I questioned.

“Yeah definitely.”

~French what?~

After gaming all night we both walked into the dining room Eyes swollen and red. Our teacher greeted us with a smile and said something in French. She asked something in French. Caden and I looked at each other and then looked at her.

“Huh?”

“You both look like hell. You have to be ready for French. It’s an art.”

“We’re ready.” Caden Nodded.

“Good now sit. I have some books for you, and some tapes.”

We both sat down. My head began to nod.

“Charlotte.” Mrs. Kalen said, but it was, Caden she had scared.

After she left Caden and I had went back to the basement. We had turned on our tapes to learn but ended up falling asleep. For the next couple of days we met with Mrs. Kalen. And soon it was time to go back to school.

~Not Goodbye!~

We were sitting in the back seat singing to the radio. Jackson had taken us out to eat, and we were headed Home. The car had served out of nowhere. I only had time to clutch Caden’s had and Yell Da- before it was too late. They said it was a head on that had broken my arm, they told me Caden wasn’t waking up. I paced in front of his room, as Mom and Jackson where getting coffee.

I grabbed a Doctors arm, “You have to help him.”

“We’re trying Miss-“

“No, you don’t understand.” I wiped at my cheek in anger with my good hand. “He brings me back when I start to forget who I am. You cannot let my brother die.”

“We’ll do whatever we can. Excuse me.”

Jackson pulled me into a hug.

“I’m not going to school. I can’t.” I sobbed into him, “Not without Caden.”

“You don’t have too.” He rubbed my back. “Maybe you should go home and get some sleep. Maybe take a shower?”

“No.” I wiped my face. “I’m staying here.”

“Honey.” Mom touched my arm.

I pushed open Caden’s door and sat by his bed. It was around two when I had fallen asleep with my head on his bed. At seven Mom made me go get food. She said it was go with her, or go to school. She grabbed her phone.

“Hello?”

I looked up from my fries.

“Are you sure?” She asked, setting her cup down and starting the car, “Put your seatbelt on.” She told me.

I pulled it tight.

“I’m coming now. Bye.” She hung up the phone. “It’s Caden,”

“What happened?”

“He’s awake. “ She looked at me in the review mirror. “And he’s asking for you.”

 

Hope had flared inside of me. Something I wasn’t really used to and I nodded. We had both ran through the hospital to the room. I was breathing heavy and was slightly dizzy when We made it to the room. And There he was. Caden. He grinned a lazy smile, but it was still a smile.

I stumbled a little from being dizzy and smacked my forehead with my good hand. Caden sat up and held out a hand, as Mom grabbed me. Jackson hurried over and grabbed onto my arm. He walked me over to the bed and Caden and I hugged.

“You okay?” He asked.

“Broken arm.”

“Me too. And a leg.” He then grinned. “You’ll have to help push me around school.”

“I will.” I nodded.

“They say we can go back tomorrow.”

“A new year.” I nodded.

“Yep.” Caden nodded.

“Let’s check those vitals.” A nurse came in.

I went to move, but Caden grabbed my arm, and I stayed put. They had let Caden out at nine. He was starving. We got some food and then headed home. Jackson Had put Caden in a down stairs guest bedroom, and I had slept on the other side of his bed.

~The Hallway~

Caden wheeled his self down the hall with his left hand and I had my left hand on the handle bar. We had both broken our right arm. Ryder turned the corner and called something. It was like a stampede as our friends had ran to us.

“What happened?” Ryder demanded, putting a hand on Caden’s shoulder, because Owen had scooped me up in a hug.

“Car accident.” Caden said, shaking Alex’s had.

“Are you okay?” Ryder grabbed my face.

"Yeah.” I nodded.

He gave me a kiss and pulled me into a hug.

“I thought something really bad happened.” Ayelie said.

“Like one of us died?” Caden asked.

Clara nodded.

“Nah.” Caden grinned and flexed. “Still going strong.”

They all laughed.

“So I’m going to be a big sibling.” Caden announced.

Everyone patted his shoulder.

“Me too.” I nodded.

Everyone looked at me.

“What He gets patted on the back and I don’t?"

Alex pulled me into a hug. A tight one.

“Our parents are getting married. “ Caden explained, “So Charlie and I are siblings.”

“Mom’s having twins.” I added.

“Really!” Clara hugged  me, “That’s so cute!"

“Do you know what they are?” Ayelie asked.

“Not yet.” Caden said.

“But Mom let us pick names out, we both picked a boy and girl name.”

“Yep, and Dad said if it was a girl I would get to set up the room, and Charlie will do the boys. A little Gender switch up.” Caden added, flinging his hair from his face.

I helped him, and he smiled at me. He knew what he was doing. Distracting our friends from our almost death experience.

“Caden says the best room wins, but not if Mom’s having both boys.” I grinned, rubbing my hands together.

“You have no idea how excited I am for you.” Alex smiled at me. “But If I jumped up and Down you all might hold it against me.”

“I did when I found out.”

“Really?” He jumped once.” We all laughed. “A Mother effing baby! Times two!”

People looked at us.

“I’m going to be a big Brother! Or cousin! I haven’t decided yet!” He yelled at them all.

Someone yelled Whoo! And tossed up both hands.

“Yes!” Ryder laughed and pointed at them.

“So there is two rumors going around school,” Clara said. "What to hear them?”

“They aren’t about you.” Ayelie reassured us, as Caden and I looked at each other.

“Sure.” Caden said as I nodded.

“Well There’s a game night activity that kids stopped going to so they’re holding a vote for the next activity. Rumor is that us kids get to vote in first period.” Clara told us.

“Well I know what I’m voting for.”

“Me too.” Caden high fived me.

“You guys became really close.”  Ayelie told us.

“We almost-“

“We’re siblings.” Caden stopped me. “We spent half the week in the basement with our Xbox and the other half learning French, as I taught her Italian on the side.”

“Apparently having money lets you learn things.” I said.

“You live together?” Ryder asked.

“Yeah, I have pictures.” I grabbed my camera. “Want to see?”

I walked in front of Caden and our friends circled around me leaning in. Normaly I would ask for space but I felt comforted with having them so close. My very own safety net. I explained every picture to them as I clicked it. The next picture was of me and Caden. I snuck it during French class. We both made afraid looks and pointed at her.

“Who’s that?” Clara asked.

“It’s our French teacher. She’s a bit scary. And here’s Baby A.”

“Aw.” They all said.

“Baby B.”

“So cute.” Ayelie pointed.

 “That’s it- Wait.” I said.

There was a picture of Caden and I in the basement. He had his controller in the air in victory and I hand my hands around his neck. It was from behind.

“Did You know I had this?” I showed Caden.

He carefully took my camera.

 “No.” He shook his head, “Dad might have taken it. We were already in the zone.”

“Are you trying to strangle him?” Owen asked.

“He kept winning.” I said, shoving my camera into it’s bag.  “What’s the second rumor?”

“There’s going to be a new year's ball!” Clara clapped.

“No.” I moaned.

“You used to love dances when you were little.” Owen said.

“I don’t like dressing up.”

“The theme is going to be outcasts.” Ayelie said.

“That’s even worse.” I said, as we all headed down the hall. “There’s so many decisions.”

“Well they’re taking us out in groups to go shopping.” Clara said.

“It’s just a rumor though remember.” Ayelie added. “They’re going to call our parents and ask for money.”

“What if you have no money?” I asked.

“I guess you would wear something from the drama department.”

“They have cute clothes.” Ayelie said.

We all looked at her.

“What?” She demanded. “This cat Eye didn’t learn to just walk onto my eye.”

“Can you do my makeup?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I brought some makeup from home.”

We all hurried off to class.

~Gone shopping.~

Mr. Pepper walked into his classroom carrying box. It was normal for him to carry boxes, but what if this was the money that Ayelie was talking about.

“Alright,” He grinned. “Okay it’s no secret that we’re having a winter ball.”

“Whoo!” Everyone yelled.

I looked over at Ryder who just grinned at me.

“We called your parents and they all gave you money to go shopping.” Mr. Pepper called setting the envelope down. “You’ll go out in groups for lunch so after you get your money go meet in the food hall to get your group together!” Mr. Pepper quickly passed out the envelopes.

I opened mine and peeked inside.

“Yikes.”

“How much?” Ryder bent down and picked up my backpack.

“Not much.”

“You can tell me Charlie.” He said. “I won’t think you’re some spoiled brat.”

“Well Jackson want’s to spoil his only daughter.” I said as if I was in trouble.

Ryder smiled at me, “Hou much did he give you?”

“A thousand.”

“Yikes.” His face mirrored mine.

“Exactly.”

We hurried through kids to the lunch room. We had all planned that the first one there would snag Maggie for our group leader. Owen and Caden where waving their hands at each other, with Maggie close by, talking to Clara who was waving her hands. We hurried over. Owen and Caden where talking about the new video game I had bought him, and Clara was talking about how she wanted to do her hair. Aylie and Alex came over, Ayelie in the lead elbowing her way through the crowd. Alex let her pull him along as he watched the floor.

“Okay everyone’s here?” Maggie asked.

“Yeah.” Ayelie made it to us.

“Alright lets go.” She led the way.

Ryder grabbed my hand and we all followed Maggie to the bus. The bus let off at a shopping strip. All the other kids ran to the first store. We had two hours to shop. We all walked down to the last stores because everyone was shopping in the front and we wanted to have outfits that didn’t match every other person. And that’s when I saw it. A Masquerade shop.

“Okay.” I told everyone. “Wouldn’t it be cool if we looked like no one at the dance?”

“Yeah.” Ayelie said carefully.

“Let’s shop there.” I pointed.

“I don’t know.” Clara said Slowly.

“Come on it will be fun.” Caden jumped in with. “We can all get masks and take them off at mid night.”

“Okay.” Clara said. “But don’t get made if I can’t find anything.”

“Do get mad if I find something.” Ayelie said, leading the way. “Because It’s going to look fucking fabulous.”

“You know.” I told Caden as we fell behind everyone. “We make a pretty good team when we’re not trying to take each other down.”

He grinned at me, “Best mask wins?”

“You’re so on.” We hurried into the store.

Aylie yanked down a dress.

“I think this is it guys!” She hurried to a dressing room.

Ryder put a white top hat on his head.

“What do you think?” He asked Owen.

Owen nodded, “I like it.”

“Eh.” Caden walked over. “Try the black.”

“Yeah.” Owen agreed.

Caden took the white hat and Owen handed him the black. Caden Gave the black to Ryder and the white hat to Owen. Owen set the hat on the stand.

“Epic!” Caden and Ryder hugged.

Clara sighed a little and touched a white, black and pink dress.

“So.” I dragged my foot to her, and landed with a hop. “What do you think?”

“I love it.” She smoothed the dress, “But I’m thirty dollars short.”

“I’ll give you the rest.”

“Really?” She looked at me.

“Really.”

“Thanks!” She hugged me and then yanked the dress down and hurried to the dressing room.

“What color are you wearing?” Caden asked. “Ryder and I will be your date because we’re short a girl. We’re matching masks. Us, Ayelie and Alex and then Clara and Owen.”

“Most likely red.”

“Okay.” We walked back over to Ryder who was holding a black mask to his face.

Caden handed him red and gold one. Ryder Grinned and they high fived.

“Here it is!” Ayelie tossed her hands into the air.

We all clapped and she spun around.

“Charlie.” She waved me over.

“Yeah?”

“If I buy this dress and shoes I won’t have money for a mask so I –“

“I’ll buy you one.”

“Really?” She looked confused.

“Find some shoes I’ll get you a mask.”

“Okay.”

I Walked over to the shelf of masks and found The perfect mask for Ayelie. And Guess who’s mask was next to hers? Clara’s. I grabbed both Masks and walked over to Ayelie. She was standing in front of a Mirror looking at the heels she wore. I put the mask over her face.

“Are you sure?” She asked as I tied it in place. “It looks a little expensive.”

“It’s fine. It matches.”

“Thanks.” She hugged me.

“Guys look!” I called.

They all looked over, and Clapped.

“You don’t even know it would be Ayelie.” Owen said.

“That’s what I’m looking for.” She pushed open her dressing stall curtain.

Clara stuck her head out, “Charlie?”

I walked into her, and into her stall.

“You look good!”

“Are you sure?” She asked turning and looking at me over her shoulder. “Do I have back fat?”

“No.” I told her. “It’s your dress.”

She looked at herself, and I put the mask over her face. She fixed it and I tied it into place.

“I’m so excited this was a good idea.” She leaned into the mirror.

I poked my head out.

“Caden.” I pointed at the shoe rack.

He pointed to a pair of pink heels and I nodded. He picked them up and then handed them to me.

“Here.” I held them out to Clara.

She gasped and Slowly took them.

“I can’t.”

“You can.” I set them on the floor. “And you will.”

She grabbed my arms and shoved her feet into the heels.

“Ahem!” I called, and Ayelie and The guys looked over. “Clara.”

She walked out and everyone gasped.

“You look so pretty!” Ayelie said.

“See?” I told her.

She smiled and went into the dressing room.

“Okay.” She grabbed my arm. “Your turn. I have the perfect dress for you. Ayelie-“

“I got the shoes and Mask.” Ayelie nodded.

Clara grabbed a dress and held it out, “What do you think?”

“You know me too well.”

She handed it over and I walked into a stall. She helped me into the dress.

“Okay.” Ayelie shut the curtain. “Caden picked out the mask. Oh shit,”

She looked me up and down.

“Good right?” Clara took the heels.

“Yeah.”

I lifted up my dress and stuck a foot out so Clara could put on a heel. Ayelie went behind me and tied my mask into place.

“Good?” I asked.

“Perfect.” Ayelie said.

“Are you sure-“

“It’s your dress.” Clara nodded.

“Okay.” I blew out with a nod.

I pushed the curtain open.

“Holy shit.” Owen said, dropping the mask he held.

The others looked at him confused and then turned to face me.

“Holy Shit.” Alex said.

“So that’s a yes?” I asked.

They all nodded. I quickly changed out of the dress and shoes, and then we helped the guys pick out a matching suit and then we headed back to the bus. No one made it to our store.

~The Dance~

I had my makeup suitcase tossed over a shoulder, my heels tucked under an arm, my dress bag in one hand and my mask in the other. I was standing outside Ayelie’s door trying to open it. I finally sighed, and smacked my head on the door twice. Ayelie opened the door, and lunged for my shoes and mask.

“Thanks.” I told her walking in. “I don’t have anything to do my hair.”

“I think Clara has you covered. She did mine too.”

Clara was sitting on the floor in front of a hair station she had set up. She was dressed in a white tank top and pink pj bottoms. Ayelie was dressed similar in black pj bottoms. I wore plaid pj shorts and a black tank top. “Hold your breath.” Clara said. Ayelie and I sucked in a large breath as Clara sprayed her hair down.

She fixed a curl and then smiled at me.

“Curly, straight?”

“Curly.”

“Welcome to my salon.” She held out a hand.

I sat down with my makeup bag. Ayelie moved the mirrors out of the way and sat in front of me. She unzipped the bag and grinned.

“Hell yes. This is going to be fun.” She reached inside. “Did you want me to do your makeup too Clara?”

“Yeah, I wanted a Smokey eye. Black and pink.”

“Lucky for you.” She grabbed a black eye shadow. “I do a killer Smokey eye. Is that okay for you too Charlie? Or do you have another look you want?”

“My face is your playground.”

“A very pretty playground it is.” She smiled. “Close your eyes.”

So an hour later my hair was curled my makeup dark and dramatic. Clara and Ayelie already had their dresses on. Ayelie was helping Clara with her mask. I grabbed Ayelie’s off the dresser and tied it into place. As I doubled knotted it Clara unzipped my dress. We all pulled it out, and they helped me climb in.

“Are you decent?” A voice asked from the other side of the door.

“Yeah.” We all called, sounding like one echoing voice.

I lifted up my dress and stuck a foot out for Clara as Ayelie set my mask in place.

“Hey.” We all looked up and Ryder snapped a picture.

“Sorry.” I told them.

“It’s okay.” Clara grabbed a shoe. “Other foot.”

“You’ll photo shop that if I have a double chin right?” Ayelie asked, tying the double knot.

“Sorry.” Ryder looked down at his camera. “My pictures are all natural.”

We all pilled out of the room. I was last and Ryder grabbed my arm.

“You look beautiful, and if your lips weren’t as red as blood I’d kiss you.”

“Thank you.” I smiled. “I think.”

He kissed my cheek and we met up with everyone in the hall.

“My lady.” Caden bowed, holding out a hand.

I bowed a little also and took his hand. His head snapped up as he grinned. He spun me out and then back in. I laughed and smacked his chest.

“Okay so we are ten minutes late.” Alex informed us.

“Good.” Ayelie grabbed his arm, “That means everyone will be there.”

We all headed into the food hall, as Owen put on his mask. He was usually the last one ready. They had changed it a lot. Perfect for the dance, with a live Dj and they had added a stage.

Right away people started to talk and point at us.

“Once again.” Mr. Pepper called from the stage mic. “Will The Members of Ana Cuts please make their way to the back stage? Please?”

We all looked at each other and then walked in a straight line against the wall to the stage. We hurried behind the stage.

“You called Mr. Pepper?” I asked.

He turned around and jumped back hand to heart.

“Jeesh.” He muttered. “I was wondering if you wanted to perform.”

“They’ll perform.” Ayelie stepped forward. “I’ll make sure of it. But please don’t introduce the band. They’ll just go up there, perform, and the take off their masks.”

Mr. Pepper looked at us.

“She’s the manager.” Owen said.

“Alright.” He nodded. “Midnight.”

“Perfect.” Ayelie nodded.

“There’s a voting table!” Clara grabbed My arm. “Let’s go see what It’s for!”

As she pulled me away I grabbed Ayelie’s arm. No way was I going in this one alone. Ayelie Grabbed Alex’s arm, Alex grabbed Owen, and He grabbed Ryder, who grabbed Caden’s good arm. So we all walked to the table in a train. Caden was out of his cast now for his foot. It was just a really bad strain. His arm was still in a cast like mine was.

I had better mobile of my arm than he did. I grabbed the paper that Clara shoved at me. New year's Queen. I scribbled down Clara’s name and stuck it in a box. I grabbed the next paper that said New year's princess. I wrote down Ayelie’s name and shoved it in. I voted Caden and Alex for King and Prince and Called it a night.

At midnight they announced the winners. Clara won Queen and there was a tie for princess between Ayelie and I. Caden won King and Alex won Prince. The back curtains Opened. Ryder was in place along with Owen. I took off my mask and took my place. We played a few songs before we headed off stage, some kids coming up to us congratulating us all. 

We all headed to the field for sparklers. There were tables set up, with pencils and paper and wooden boxes. We started on our new year’s resolutions. I wrote down eat more, cut less, stay alive, on three papers before folding them in half. Owen held out the box and I dropped my papers in with the rest. He smiled at me and snapped the box shut. He set the box in a hole in the ground, and Ryder and Alex grabbed shovels and buried the box.

Ayelie and Clara stood next to me holding my arms. Funny thing about resolutions, is that they never really come true. You don’t really follow through with them. But this year was different. I was determined to make them a reality.

 

~It's too hard~

“So I was thinking-“ Owen stopped in his tracks as he pushed open my door. He slowly shut my door, “What are you doing?”

I had my shirt up and I was poking at my rib.

“Nothing.” I yanked my shirt down, “What were you thinking?”

“I’ll tell you when you tell me what you were doing.”

“Well,” I sighed, “The best ideas are surprises.”

“What were you doing Charlie?” He grabbed my arm.

“It’s too hard okay?” I looked away from him.

“What is?” He grabbed my face and made me look at him.

“Trying to be normal.”

He actually laughed, “We’re never going to be normal again Charlie. Whoever told you that has lied. We’ll always be damaged. We can only try to get better.”

“Well it’s too hard to get better.”

“It’s not going to happen overnight, Char.” He grabbed both of my arms as I looked him in the eyes. “You didn’t lose all that weight in one day, you didn’t get all these scars in one night. Did you?”

“No.”

“Exactly.”

“It’s just easier to be like this.”  I shook my head a little. “To be sick.”

“Of course it is.” He snorted. “They don’t call recovery a fight for nothing.”

“Well I don’t want to fight.”

“Of course you don’t.” He took a step closer to me, “But you have to. You have to fight, no matter if you feel like it or not. Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to make you. I’m going to drag you across the line to recovery if I have to.”

“I’m pretty heavy.”

“No you’re not.” He picked me up by the arms and then set me down. “Why do you always joke about this?”

“I have to. I’d go insane if I didn’t.”

“Don’t you see?” He asked, looking over my face, “We’re already there.”

The door Opened and we jumped away from each other, as Clara and Ryder paused at the door.

~You never tell me anything~

“Clara.” I said, as she took a step back. “It’s not what you think.”

She hurried from my room.

“Ryder. Listen to me.”

Ryder turned and left. Owen and I looked at each other, and then ran from the room.

“Ryder!”

He turned to face me.

“Are you cheating on me?” He demanded, hurt filled his eyes. “With Owen.”

“No," I shook my head.

“The why where you so close to him!” He yelled at me.

“I had a lapse in judgment!”

He laughed, “What kind of judgment? He had his hands on you!”

“My Dad cheated on my Mom, I’d never cheat. Don’t you remember how I felt?”

“No I don’t!” He grabbed my arms. “You never tell me anything!”

“Let her go bro.” Alex grabbed Ryder’s arms.

We all stood still, until Alex grabbed One of Ryder’s hands and made him let my arm go. Ryder tossed his hands up and through his hair as he hurried down the hall, Alex and I watched him go.

Alex looked at me, “What are you doing Charlie?”

My mouth popped open as I held up both hands. Alex sighed, and jogged after Ryder.

“God!” I stomped back to my room.

I grabbed the Mirror off the wall and tossed it. It broke into little pieces. As If I was possessed my feet shuffled to the glass. I bent down and grabbed a piece of the glass. I slowly stood up, and someone grabbed me from behind and pinned my upper arms down.

“Drop it Charlie.” Caden whispered.

The piece of glass slipped from my hand, breaking into three pieces when it hit the floor.

“It’s okay.” He dragged me away from glass and to the door.

The door flew open and a male nurse stood there.

“What’s going on?” He demanded.

“Teenage girl drama. I’ll clean it up.” Caden explained.

The Nurse nodded once and then shut the door. I wasn’t crying this time or even shaking. I was just standing there frozen. Numb.

“Charlie?” Caden asked. He pulled back when I didn’t answer. “Charlie?”

He shook me and then smacked at my face a little. “Charlie, look at me.”

My eyes flashed to his, “What do you want?”

He sighed in relief and then pulled me into a hug. He picked me up and carried me to my bed.

“You stay here and I’ll take care of the glass.”

I turned on my side and watched him clean up the glass piece by piece. He grabbed the small trash can and tossed in the big pieces first.

~Because we didn't~

Clara and Owen sat at a table in the food hall arguing back and forth at lunch. Alex, Ayelie and Ryder sat at another one, not too far away, probably listening in. I sat down at an empty table.

“Why where you holing her arms?” Clara hissed.

“I was helping her. You used to not care when I helped her.”

“You’re my boyfriend now. Things are different. You are supposed to help me and Ryder will most likely agree with me. You help me, he helps her.”

“Because you know Ryder so well.”

“What does that mean?”

“She’s my best friend, and if you two can’t understand that, then it’s because you two have your own issues. And if you really think for a second I would do that to You, let alone Ryder, then don’t ever talk to me again.”

He pushed his chair back and stood up, spotting me. I sat up taller, and then he hurried from the room. I sagged back down. Caden dropped two trays on the table and sat down. He slid a tray across to me.

“You have to eat Charlie.”

“They hate me.”

“Stop looking at them.” He said, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I leaned in, “I didn’t cheat on him.”

“I know that.”

“So why doesn’t he?”

“Because he’s a dumb ass?” Caden offered.

I gave him a half smile. Clara had her head down on the table. Ryder walked over to her, and bent down touching her arm. She looked down at him, and he said something to her. She nodded and wiped at her face. He gave her a hug, and then stood up. He patted her arm, and then looked at me. I quickly looked down at my tray.

“He’s looking at me."

“He’s coming over. You want me to say something?”

“Only if he insults me.”

Caden nodded once.

“Charlie, Can I talk to you?”

I nodded and stood up. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of the food hall.

“Clara doesn’t think you two cheated together.” He said.

“Because we didn’t.” I told him. “And Like Owen said if you think we would then-“

He grabbed my face and kissed me.

“What are you doing?” I spat at him. “You accuse me of cheating and then kiss me?”

“You two where so close.”

“You should have asked!” I yelled at him. “Damn it Ryder, I love you! Not Owen. What do you not get? Clara is my best friend, I would never hurt her, and she should fucking know that!”

“Charlie, calm down.”

“Our relationship is toxic.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“All couples fight,”

“Not like us.”

“Other couples aren’t like us.” He hissed at me.

We both were quiet as we stared at each other.

“Don’t you think," I began, “That I actually love you enough to not cheat on you?”

 

~Missing~

“Charlie.” Someone hissed.

I opened an eye, and looked around my room.

“Charlie!” They hissed again.

Go away. I closed my eye.

“Charlie, wake the fuck up!” Someone shook me.

“What!” I hissed sitting up my hands held out ready to strangle the neck of whoever was trying to wake me up. “What?”

“Clara’s not in her room.” Owen flipped on the lamp by my bed.

“And you know this how?”

“Because I went to her room to talk to her.”

“What does this have to do with me?” I demanded. “I still have my own boyfriend to make up with.”

“Don’t you think It’s a little funny how we bother are fighting with them, they both start sneaking secrets and We All are left out of what they’re talking about?”

I looked at the door, to Owen, and then back at the door.

“Get up.” He tossed the blankets off of my legs.

I grabbed his hand and pulled myself up. We snuck three doors down and I softly knocked on Ryder’s door. Owen sighed and pushed open the door. I looked at him and he held up his hands. I smacked him silently, and then pushed open the door all the way. Owen Hurried down the hall and I took a step into Ryder’s room. His bed was made without a wrinkle.

I left the room and ran after Owen. When I got close enough, he stuck his hand out behind him. I grabbed onto his hand and he pulled me down the hall. We made it to the lobby and in front of the attendance office.

“What are we doing here?” I asked him.

“Give me one of your pins.” He held out a hand.

I sighed and reached into my hair for a bobby pin. I handed it over and stood watch as he picked the lock.

“Don’t you think it’s a little creepy that there’s nobody in the front office?” I demanded, in a whisper.

He stood up, “I’m in.”

We hurried into the office. Owen hurried over to the computer, and I locked the door. I stood next to him.

“They missed last period and dinner.” He said, and then eyed me. “I didn’t see you at dinner either.”

“So you think I’m helping them?” I demanded, smacking him in the back of the head.  

He typed something into the computer, and I picked up a folder, and flipped through some pages.

“Look at this.” I held out the paper. “Someone sighed them out right before sixth period.”

“Who signed it?” He took the paper.

“No one signed it Owen, which means-“

“The hospital took them.”

We looked at each other.

Owen opened his mouth to say something, and then the door knob jiggled. I snatched the paper from Owen and set it back in place. Owen turned off the screen and we dove under the desk pulling the chair into place. Owen flipped a little switch on the back of the tower that shut down the whole thing. I reached up, and grabbed my pin by the key board.

“What are you doing?” He whispered.

I held up the pin and He sighed. The door opened and I looked at him wide eyed. He pulled me under his arm and held my mouth shut.  A pair of black shoes came into view, and I pushed deeper under the desk, and Owen stroked my face with his thumb.

“Where is it?” The male voice asked.

“It’s right on the desk.” A female said, “Do I have to do everything myself?”

Heels began to click and with ever click that got closer it was like death. If we got caught Owen would get off with a warning. But me however, this wouldn’t be my first time getting caught after curfew. Who knows what they’ll do to me. They’ll probably make me eat five hundred brownies in one sitting, or worse.

“Here.” Something rustled on the desk, and then the Woman smacked the man. “Let’s go.”

“People are going to start asking questions.” The male said.

“No they won’t.” The Woman’s heels were getting farther away. “Kids disappear all the time. Clara and Ryder are no different.”

I looked at Owen, who told me, Sh, with no noise. They said something from behind the closed door, and then walked away. We popped up from under the desk.

“They have them."

“Be quite.” He grabbed my face.

“What if they need help?”

He grabbed my hand and we went to the door. He slowly opened the door and looked around. He waved me out of the room into the lobby. He locked and shut the door before taking my hand. Dodging nurses we hurried back to my room.

“What do we do now?”

“Nothing we can do now.” He said. “Get some sleep.”

“I can’t,” I grabbed his arm. “My sleeping pill wore off, you made sure of that.”

“I’ll talk to you in the morning.” He hurried down the hall.

I heard a small sniff and my head jerked in that direction. Ayelie’s door quickly shut with a click, but not before I saw a pale cheek. I shut my door and hurried down a door, on my side of the hall. I reached for the knob, but the door swung open. I jumped, as Caden pulled me inside by my wrist. He looked around the hall and then shut the door. We sat down on his bed and I told him everything.

The door knob turned and we gasped. The door pushed open and Ayelie’s little head poked in followed by the rest of her.

“Shit!” Caden hissed.

“Damn!” I hissed.

“Fuck!” She hissed and jumped.

“What are you doing?” I demanded.

“I saw you sneaking around.” She grinned, “I hate being left out you know.”

“I thought you were staying out of this.” Caden said.

“I have to stay out of it but you get to know everything?” She demanded.

“He’s my brother.”

“He doesn’t know Clara like I do.” She said, crossing her arms. “By the way you and Owen are the schools gossip. Not a lot of people cheat.”

“She didn’t cheat.” Caden snapped.

“Whatever.”

“What are you really doing here Ayelie?” I asked.

“I want to help.”

“You want to help with what?” Caden asked.

“Clara is one of my best friends.” She reminded him. “In case you have forgotten.”

“We’re still thinking of what to do next.” I interrupted them.

“And you didn’t ask for my Madness?” She gave me a sly grin.

“What’s your idea?”

“Check the computer?" She questioned.

“Done.”

“And the in and out papers?”

“Done.” I said, Then looked at Caden, “We think The hospital took them.”

“But why?” Caden asked.

“They were getting better.”  Ayelie sat down in the desk chair.

We all sat quiet looking down. They were gone, and we couldn’t do anything about it. We didn’t even know if the hospital took them or not.

“What if they escaped and they just left the paper blank.” Caden spoke up.

“They wouldn’t escape.” Ayelie spoke in, “Not after what happened to Alen and Daniel.”

“Maybe they did.” I looked up. “Ryder’s smart, and Clara knows how to live on the edge. And they wanted the in and out papers when Owen and I went to the office.”

“You went with Owen?” She snorted.

“Yes I went with Owen. They’re our Boyfriend and Girlfriend if you have forgotten.”

“Not the way things are going they’re not.”

“What’s your Problem?” Caden asked.

“I’m speaking the truth. Something I’ve done from Day one. You think I’m heartless because I’m picking on her? Please.”

“I think you should go.” Caden said.

“With pleasure.”

We both watched her get up and leave the room.

~ Lock down~

It was lunch and I kept dozing off.

“Yo,” Alex slapped his tray down.

“What?” I looked around.

“Are you okay?"

"I’m tired.” I pushed my tray away.

He smiled at me, and pushed my tray back.

“Right.” I grabbed my bread stick and Took a bite, “Wait. Why are you sitting with me?”

“Because you want to know what happened to Ryder and Clara.” He looked at me.

“And you have the answer?”

“I believe I do.”

“Will the entire school please head to the bleachers in the field to have a school meeting.”

“What’s that for?” I asked.

“Come on.” Alex grabbed Our bags and I stood up.

He handed over my bag and we walked out to the field.

“Hey.” Owen walked over to us.

“Hi.”

“Wait!” Ayelie ran over to us.

“Over here!” Caden waved us over.

He dropped his legs as we came over and we all sat down.

Mr. Pepper took the lead. “The parents of two of the students that went here think that this school is unfit for a recovery home.”

I looked at Alex.

“So they took their kids out of the school.”

“Alex?”

“Bingo.” He muttered.

“Taking out kids from here sent a buzz and We are unfit for a recovery home.” Mr. Pepper said.

“What does that mean for us!” A kid yelled.

“Yeah.” I said, tossing up my hands with the other kids.

“It means that your parents have been called. You are to pack all of your belongings and go home. The school we are closed down for a week. Possibly more. We are detailing the school so it is safe for you. No more mirrors in rooms, More nurses every were, And in the lunch hall we will have a different area for the kids with an eating disorder, you will all eat a normal size of food, even if it takes all day. Everyone will have a bracelet depending on why you are here, so don’t try to skip out.

Eating disorder students will have a pink one that they will have to get scanned at the door. If you’re name doesn’t pop up in one of the many computers we will soon have set up, we will hunt you down, and drag you to the food hall. Suicide students will have blue and Students who cut for a form of self-harm with have red. Some of you will have more than one bracelet and under no circumstances will bulling be aloud. This is a place to get better. Not get worse. It’s what us staff like to call a formal lock down.

All your Issue bracelets will be on your right hand, everyone will have a black bracelet on their left to track your classes. Therapy and weight calls will all still be the same.  We are getting stricter, and you shall obey. There will be nurses in every bathroom, and checks will be through the night. Every Sunday you will all be drawn into the food hall so the staff can check your room. This rule is moving up from just the suicide wing to all wings. If you have multiple issues we will look over your cases, and put you in the wing which will help you with your most pressing matter.

Some of you will stay in the same room, and others won’t. You’re dismissed. Pack everything!” He called as we all got up. “Whatever you don’t will be tossed. We’ll call you when the time to come back is here. Your parents have gotten strict instructions not to put you in a normal high school, Kick scream, I don’t care, do not let them take you to a normal school. When you come back you’ll just have to stay longer.”

“Shit, Mr. Pepper means business.” Caden muttered as we all walked in our hall.

“I like it. He won’t get stepped all over.” Ayelie said. “He’s a cool teacher but He’s a push over.”

“Charlie?” Owen asked.

“Huh?” I looked at him.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“You look Pale.” Caden added.

“Uh, Ryder and Clara are the kids that sent the school into lock down.”

“How do you know?” Ayelie asked.

“I just do okay?” I asked, shutting my bedroom door.

I packed up and waited in the hall. Someone tapped my shoulder and I jumped.

“you okay?” Jackson asked.

“Yeah.” I stood up and gave him a hug.

“Where’s your Brother?”

“I Don’t know.” I looked down the packed hall. “I’m getting worried.”

“I’ll wait here, why don’t you go see if you can find him?”

“Okay.” I gave him one last hug, and headed down the hall.

“Crippled coming through.” Caden tried to push past a group.

I grabbed his good arm and yanked him. His bags knocked a couple of people out of the way and he flew at me. We took a few steps back. Caden dropped some of his bags trying to grab me.

“Are you okay?” He questioned.

I nodded, “Jackson’s here.”

“Where’s Mom?”

“I don’t know.”

We picked up his bags and we left the school.

~Home for now~

“Hey!” Mom smiled as we came inside.

She pulled me in for a hug.

“Did your appointment go good?” I asked.

“Yep. Everything’s fine.”

“Hi guys.” I touched her stomach.

“Mom!” Caden grinned.

“Hi!” She hugged him.

“Dinner is done.” She gave Jackson a kiss.

“I’m starving.” Caden hurried to the dining hall.

Jackson Hurried after him.

“Come on.” Mom smiled.

I smiled back and we walked to the dining room arm in arm.

“So,” Jackson smiled at us.

Caden and I glanced at each other.

“We want to get married while your home.” He said.

“Perfect.” Caden said.

“Where?” I asked.

“London.” Mom smiled.

“What?” Caden grinned. “We’re going back!”

“Just for the week.” Jackson said.

“Why London?” I asked.

“It’s a lot less money to get my Family there then Jackson’s family here.” Mom said.

“And London’s so pretty.” Caden told me.

“Isn’t it going to be rainy?” I asked.

Caden and Jackson laughed, and Mom and I looked at each other confused.

“It’s usually rainy in London.” Jackson explained.

“We can rent that church.” Caden said. “The one with the wedding hall attached.”

“That’s the one.” Jackson nodded.

“And you can go shopping for a dress with me Charlie.” Mom added.

“Where?” I questioned. “France?”

“Stop.” Mom looked at me.

“It just seems like a lot of money.” I told her.

“Well you have a lot of money now Charlie.” Jackson said.

“No you and Caden do.” I said.

“It’s your money too Charlie.” Jackson said.

“It takes time to get used to.” Caden said. “Trust me.”

“I feel sick.”

“Are you okay?” Mom asked.

“Can I just take a shower and go to bed?”

“But you barely ate.” Mom pointed out.

“I’ll eat a big breakfast tomorrow.”

“I think it’s fine.” Jackson said.

“Yeah.” Caden nodded.

“I promise I’ll eat Mom.” I told her. “I’m trying to get better.”

“Alright.” She nodded.

I hugged everyone and went upstairs. I still wasn’t used to this. Having Money. I didn’t want to lose myself. I took a shower and got into bed. Beat, I fell asleep.

~London~

I strapped myself in and took deep breaths. I was sitting in first class next to Caden who was grinning, and basically had his face glued to the little window.

“Look, We’re taking off!” He said.

My nails dug into the arm rest. I looked across the row to the two seats that Mom and Jackson sat in. She was looking at me our faces the same. We grabbed for each other’s hand at the same time. The Plane slowly went up.

“Oh no. Charlie!” Caden said at my side. “You’ve never been in a plane before?”

I quickly shook my head. He laughed and grabbed my hand. Once in the air I was fine. I couldn’t say the same for Caden’s arm. When Ever the plane jumped I dug my nails into it mistaking it for the arm rest. He just kept saying Ow, until I realized I was the one hurting him. We slowly began to land. The plane jumped to the ground and I grabbed Caden’s arm.

“Ow, Ow, Ow,”

“Suck it up.” I hissed at him.

His face twisted in pain and I let up my grip. The people opened the plane and I shot up.

“Get out of my way!” I ran off the plan, with My Mom clutching my hand.

We sat at a café while the boys got our luggage.

“Why is the car backwards?” I asked.

“The car’s not backwards Charlie.” Caden laughed, “You are.”

I looked at Mom and we climbed into the car. Their house was like a freaking castle. I set my bags on my bed, and turned to face Caden who was leaning on the wall. He grinned at me.

“Can We stay here forever?”

“Can you fake an accent?”

“How does it sound?”

He grinned bigger, “You wouldn’t last a day.”

“Damn.” I flopped on my bed.

He laughed and Flopped down next to me.

“Do you think the wedding will be pretty?”

We turned our heads to look at each other.

“Yes.” He smiled.

“Do you think I’ll fall walking down the aisle?”

“No.”

“How?”

“Because you’ll be walking with me. I won’t let you fall.”

“Come on kids!” Jackson called.

“Where?” Caden asked.

“To get those pesky casts off.”

Caden and I looked at each other. We jumped off my bed and pushed each other to the stair case.

~Enough to stay?~

As soon as the casts came off Caden showed me around. He was right it was pretty. Spending two nights on a plane was worth it.

“Can we see if we can make one of those guards laugh?”

“It’s really hard.”

“You know what’s easier to do then smile?”

“What?” He looked down at me.

“Let’s piss one off.”

“After you.” He held out a hand.

We ended up almost going to Jail. Who knew stomping on their foot was assault? Caden talked us out of It easily and we hurried down the street.

“You don’t get to pick the activities anymore. You’re grounded.”

“Come on!” I smacked him in the chest. “We had fun!”

“We almost got arrested!”

“We almost got arrested!” I mimicked him.

“Hey that was pretty good.”

“Good enough to stay?”

“Eh.”

I sighed, and followed after him. Mom dragged me from store to store looking for dresses. I swore I was never going shopping with her again. The wedding was perfect. No one fell, or got too drunk and no one hit on the Pastor. All in all it was a good day. And then Caden had to deliver his speech.

Caden might be talkative in person, but when something is required, he chokes up. We even came up with a signal if he needed help.

“I grew up with Vivian as a Mom. She was always there, even when My Mom wasn’t. She treated me no better or no worse than she treated Charlie, which makes me know in my heart that she will be A good Mom to the new babies. My Dad had always said he was never going to get married again, He was going to leave the toilet seat up for the rest of his life, and he was never going to match ties ever again. But then we moved back into town. Back into Charlie and Vivian’s town. The toilets seats went down, and his ties got really close to matching.

Vivian still treated me like her son, and understood the issues that I am going through. She gave me that support only a Mother could give. And Then there’s Charlie, Who understands me more than I understand myself. She always brought me back when I was losing myself, so I try to do the same for her. I’m glad to call them family, and Happy Dad and I nabbed them while we could. Life would be different if Dad and Vivian wouldn’t of gotten married. There would be no muffin smells from the kitchen, or stupid Lovey-dovey glances at the table.

There wouldn’t be a family. Dad and I, we’re a broken family, and So are Vivian and Charlie, and the twins are what holds us all together. They’re the Anchors. So I raise my glass, which by the way is not wine. Wink, Wink. And I toast To My Mother, My Father, My Beautiful sister, and my unborn siblings. May we always be a family. Cheers!”

“Cheers!”

I set my glass down, and Hurried to hug him. He lifted me off the ground.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” He grinned.

I kissed his cheek. He set his glass down, and held out an arm.

“Care to dance sister, Dear?”

“What a wonderful offer Brother Dear.” I grabbed his arm.

We laughed and headed to the dance floor.

~Back in London~

“Have you gotten skinnier?” Jackson asked, as I came down for breakfast the next morning.

“It’s just pre-wedding stress.” I told him. “I’ll gain it back.”

Mom and Caden were looking at me.

“Well eat up. We’re heading home at one.” Jackson said with a grin.

I ate breakfast and went up to pack.

“You did lose weight.”

I was used to Caden coming out of the wood-work.

“I already explained why.”

“I haven’t been seeing you eat lately.”

“And?”

“And so you probably haven’t been eating.”

I stopped packing, “I’m fine.”

“Why aren’t you eating?” He asked. “We’re supposed to be getting better.”

“Don’t you get it?” I spun to face him. “There is no getting better. Not for me. I’ve been sick for too long Caden. Getting better for me is a fairy tale. It's not real. It's not something I can touch.”

“Then there’s no hope for me then.”

“Yes there is.” I nodded. “There’s a difference between you and I. You want to get better.”

“And you don’t?”

I turned and folded a shirt.

“And you don’t.” He walked over to me. “Why not?”

“Look at me!” I demanded. “I’m too fat and to ugly to get better.”

“Oh I see it now.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean just look at that jaw line.” He scoffed, “And that rib cage? Please. And your wrists, not even.”

I smiled at him, slowly.

“And I mean your legs even though they can snap at any second, they won’t ever do. And that waist-“

“Okay.” I pushed his arm.

“Honestly though.”

“Alright.” I told him. “I’ll try.”

“Do more than try, Charlie. Make it happen.” He kissed my forehead and left my room.

“Make it happen.” I nodded.

I grabbed my shoe and yanked my blade free. I opened the top drawer to my desk and set it inside. I kissed three of my fingers, touched the blade and then shut the drawer.

~Bracelet Colletion~

The school was a lot different. The yard was enclosed in thick Iron bars that sharpened into a point at the top.

“Ready?” Caden held out a hand.

“Ready.” I slapped my hand into his.

There were a lot more meatal detectors and more tables for checking bags. They had little tubs that you had to put your shoes into before going through the meatal detectors. Each table had a box filled with confiscated belts. There were security guards with those metal detecting bar things.

"Set your belt in the box.” A guard told Caden.

Caden looked at me as he took off his belt.

“Miss? Your shoes?” The Guard next to him held out a box to me.

I set my shoes inside. More guards grabbed my bags and set them on the belts that went through a different meatal detector.

“Step through miss.”

I stepped through.

“Spread your legs and hold up your arms.”

I did as I was told and the guard ran the bar over my arms up my sides, and in between my legs.

“Clear.” He nodded and then pointed to a table.

Six people sat at it with a lap top.

“Name?” A man asked.

“Charlotte Daniels. Charlie”

“Caden Daniels.” Caden said from two people down.

The nurse typed in something, and opened a black case.

“Hold out your right arm please.”

I held out my arm. The nurse strapped a Blue, Red, and Pink bracelet in place. I handed over my left wrist as asked, and looked over at Caden. The Nurse strapped on a Red bracelet and then asked for his left hand.

“Charlie?” The male nurse said impatient.

“What?” I looked at him.

“Is this too tight?”

“No.”

“Go get weighed.” He nodded.

I walked over to a girl at a scale, and stepped on.

“Hold still.” She was a lot nicer.

Caden was standing in front a guy now, pulling up his sleeves.

“Okay, You’re done, head over to the Cutting station. That man right there, Honey. All you have to do is show him your arms.”

I nodded and headed over.

“Arms.”

I lifted up my sleeves.

“Turn them over.”

I flipped my wrists down.

He grunted and then wrote something down on his clip board, “Get on your shoes, and get your bags, and then visit the last person at the table.”

 I did as I was told, and the last person at the table, gave me my room and classes. I headed down the hall and Caden caught up to me.

“Damage?”

“Eating disorder wing.” I answered. “You?”

“Cutter’s wing.”

“Good luck,”

“You too.”

We hugged and went down different halls. I was placed in the room I had with Clara. I set my bags on my old bed and looked out the window. The bars where in place, most likely the only thing that stayed constant. I sat down on Clara’s bed and looked at the pillow.

“Hey Bitch,” A girl said from the door. “That’s my bed.”

“Clara!” I jumped up with a grin.

I then remembered our fight, and took a step back.

“Well?” She grinned and held out her arms.

I hurried in for a hug. We pulled back.

“Pretty bracelets.”

“They match my Outfit.” I smiled.

“They do.” She smiled back.

She set her bag on her bed.

“I’m starting to think I’ll never get out of this damn place.” She held her wrist up to her eyes and narrowed them at the pink band. “Oh well.”

She unzipped her bag.

“So.” I said.

“So.” She looked at me shaking her head a little.

“Your parents took you out?”

“Yeah. They came to visit me randomly for the first time, and they said I was getting worse. They took me out threatened to sue, and then got the school shut down. RYder's Parents where here too and Their dad's got to talking. .”

“My Dad was here too. He didn't take Caden out. Or me.”

“I thought your Dad-“

“I mean Caden’s Dad. They got married, and Jackson adopted me.”

“Congrats.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“I don’t know why they didn’t tell Jackson. Since he had two kids in here I thought they would. A couple of guys just yanked me and Ryder out. We didn’t even get to pack our things, they did for us. It was getting pretty nasty I guess.” She shrugged.

“Do you think They might of told Jackson and he didn’t take us out?”

“Maybe.” She tossed a shirt into the chest the end of her bed. “But why wouldn’t he take you guys out? It makes no sense.”

“That’s what I’m thinking.”

“Looks like I’m the only one in the suicide wing now.”

“Where all your nightmares come true.”  Clara and I said together.

Ayelie laughed, and Pulled Clara into a hug.

“Hey.” She gave me a hug.

“Hi.” We pulled back. “What about Ryder? Where’s he?”

“Four doors down across the hall. They moved everyone.” She itched at her wrist. “This thing is so annoying. It’s not even a pretty blue, damn it.” She looked at me, “You got quite a nice collection.”

“Thanks.” I looked down at my wrist. “Why don’t you have a Red one?”

“Haven’t you heard?” Ayelie asked.

Clara and I looked at each other and then shook our heads at Ayelie.

“You get called into see a shrink today, and they look at your files, and then they take off bracelets that aren’t necessary to wear. I went with Ryder. He only has a pink Bracelet.”

A nurse came into the room, “The Doctors ready for you Now Charlie.”

“Thanks.”

“Make sure your all unpacked Ayelie.”

She left.

“Who the fuck is she?” Clara questioned.

“Don’t ask.” Ayelie said, stomping from the room.

“Good luck?” Clara held out her arms.

I gave her a hug.

“Thanks.”

The Doctor Took off the red bracelet.

“We can’t be too sure, so in a week I’ll see if I can take off the blue one.”

“Thank you.”

“You can go.”

I left the room. Alex was coming out of another room.

“Alex!”

“Charlie! Hey!” He grinned and pulled me into a hug.

I glanced at his wrist.

“So get any taken off?”

“Nope.” He held up his wrist, showing the Blue and Red bracelets. “Not yet.” He grabbed mine, “But you did, congrats.”

“Thanks.” I smiled, “What Wing are you in?”

“The cutters. Didn’t Ayelie Tell you she was the last one in the Suicide wing? I saw Caden too, He’s right across the hall from me.”

“Watch after him okay? I care about him.”

“Sure.” He nodded.

“Thanks. I have to find Owen, I haven’t seen him.”

“Oh he’s in room four. I have to find Ryder.”

I sat down in a chair and waited. The door opened and I sat up as Owen walked out. He grinned when He saw me and Held up his wrist showing off a red bracelet. I smiled and hurried over to him for a hug.

“You got your blue one taken off?”

“And your red.” He took my wrist.

“They’ll take off my blue in a week if I’m a good girl.”

“You better be on your best behavior then.” He backed down a hall.

“How are you and Clara?”

“Life’s good.”

“What wing are you in?” I raised my voice.

“Cutters, See around sweet cheeks.” He pointed at me and then turned around.

I headed back to my room, but didn’t stop at my door. I kept going four doors down. I raised my hand to knock and the door was pulled open.

Ryder and I looked at each other.

“Pink looks good on you.”

“Thanks.” He pulled down his jacket sleeve.

I held up my wrist, “Red free.”

He gave me a half smile.

“Okay look.” I dropped my arm. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For yelling at you and then leaving. I didn’t want you to see me cry.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” I looked down at the floor.

“Hey,” He lifted my face, “You’re red free.”

“Where are we?” I asked.

“Here.” He kissed me.

“Break it up!” A nurse said. “No girls in boy’s room, vice versa. I mean it.”

I took a step back so I wasn’t standing in the thresh hold of Ryder’s door, and then looked at the nurse. He nodded and then walked down the hall.

“What an ass.” Ryder muttered.

“I know right?” I laughed.

Ryder picked me up and spun me around.

~Helga from hell~

I braved the lunch room alone.

“Bracelet please.”

I handed over the bracelet to the nurse who was nice to me. She smiled, took my wrist and put it under a scanner.

“Thank you Charlie.”

“Why aren’t you a watcher?” I asked.

“I’m took nice.” She sighed, “I hope you don’t get Helga. Rules.” She pointed.

I looked at a sign. All sleeves must be rolled up. I sighed and yanked up my sleeves. I grabbed food and sat down next to Clara. Ryder sat down on my other side, and Helga, sat on the end of the table.

“Well?” She demanded. “Eat.”

Caden was the first to brave talking to Helga, when all of us were finally together. She gave him a cold stare, and we all hurried to eat our food to get the hell away from Helga from Hell. I kept glancing at Caden. Maybe we could learn sign language next. Helga was old, and smelled like it. I fought the pressing urge to cover my nose with my shirt. She’d probably smack me anyways for trying to spit my food into my shirt.

She freed us after checking Clara, Ryder, and My cups for food. Damn, this bitch meant business.

~Perhaps if I got better~

Mr. Pepper’s class was us next. I was excited to see him. I had never had one of those teachers who made a big impact on my life.

“Hello Charlie.” He smiled at me.

“Hi.” I smiled back and held out my wrist.

“Oh Right.” He took my hand and stuck it under the scanner which beeped.

My picture popped up on the screen.

“Don’t you think these bracelets are a little much?” I questioned.

He looked out the door, and then leaned in.

“Of course I do.” He muttered, “It’s taking away freedom.”

“I guess that’s what it takes to get better.”

“Have a seat," He gave me a sad smile.

I nodded and went to my seat. Ryder sat down next to me, and I grabbed his hand.

“You okay?” He asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded.

He kissed my forehead, and a big group of students hurried into the class room.

“I like Mr. Pepper.” Ryder said. “He never really changes.”

I watched as he quickly scanned kids and sent them on their way.

“He believes in happy endings.”

“And you don’t?”

I smiled at him, “No. I don’t.”

“How are you going to get better if you have no hope?”

“You’re my hope.” I told him. “If you and Caden get better, that’s all that matters to me. If I lost either of you, I would need six blue bands.”

He looked down at his bag.

I saw a flash of blue on his wrist, “Ryder-“

“Apparently you never really get better from suicide thoughts.”

“So they gave you back your blue band?”

“I only made a comment, and then they strapped it on.”

“What was the comment?”

He looked down.

“Ryder?”

“They brought up your suicide attempt, so I said you were smart to do it.”

“Why would you say that?”

“It slipped out.”

“You’re too young to hate the world so much.”

“So are you.” He met my gaze.

“Guess we’re both older than our age.”

“I guess.”

I looked back down he and Kissed the back of my hand.

~Perfect wieght 88~

It was five in the morning. Clara and I had already taken our shower and we were standing in front of mirrors, doing our hair and makeup. A couple of nurses where standing around us watching us like hawks. Clara and I glanced at each other. She made a face at me, and then turned back to her mirror.  I smiled and turned to my mirror. Once I was finished with my hair and makeup I stood back and looked at myself.

Why Did I have to be so ugly? Why did I have to feel like I was ugly? I grabbed onto the bottom of my shirt, but before I could pull it up to make sure I could still see my ribs I remembered the nurses. I tugged on my shirt, and smoothed it down.

“Ready?” Clara muttered.

“I guess.”

We dropped our stuff at the room and then headed for the food hall. They had pancakes, so I picked up a plate of that and then sat down at our table. Owen told a story as everyone laughed. I poked at one of my pancakes, and angrily wiped at a tear that fell over.

“Hey you okay?” Ayelie touched my arm.

“I’m fine.”

“If your don’t eat you’ll be here all day.” Helga said to me.

“Want to fucking bet?”

“Charlie don’t!” Caden lunged across the table for my hand but jumped back just as fast.

I flipped my tray of food over, grabbed my bag and left the food hall. I went to the front office and up to the front desk.

“I’m not going to eat.”

“Why not?” The Woman asked.

“Because I’m fat, and Ugly. I don’t deserve to eat. Do what you have to do.”

I sat down on a bench, pulling up my legs, with my backpack at my right side. The woman reached for the phone. I don’t know how long I was sitting there when the front doors opened, and my name was called. I looked up at my name. When I saw who it was I let my head fall onto my knees and cried. When Cyrus put an arm around me I curled against him.

“What happened?” “I’m sick.” I sobbed.

“It’s okay.” He pulled me closer. “Just try to calm down. We can talk this out.”

I tried to calm down for three minutes.

“What brought this on?”

“I’m ugly.” I wiped at my face with soaked hands. “I’m fat. I don’t want to be here anymore. My stupid bracelets are itchy-“

I took in a gasp of breath.

“You’re not ugly or fat Charlie.” He looked at me. “How could you say that?”

“I don’t want to gain weight, I don’t want my cuts to be just scars, I want to go home. I don’t care if I’m sick. I’m not cut out to get better. I’ll always hate myself and no matter how much therapy I get, no matter how many people I have telling me I’m pretty, no matter how many bracelets I get taken off it will Never change. I knew that the second I started to think I was Ugly.”

“You’re not ugly.”

“How can you say that?” I demanded. “Look at me. I have ugly hair, One eye is bigger than the other when I smiled, my upper lip is small and one side is higher than the other, My arms are fat, I’m fat. I’m ugly, and there’s nothing I can do about it, but starve.”

“How much do you weight?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“How much do you weight?”

“99.”

“What!”

“It was wedding stress okay?”

“It was not wedding stress Charlie.” He said. “What would be the perfect weight to you?”

I sniffed, and wiped at my nose, “88.”

“88!”

“Sh!” I hissed at him.

“You’ll be dead.” He lowered his voice.

I looked at him, “I don’t care. And that’s what scares me Cyrus. The fact that I don’t care if I die.”

“Excuse me?” A nurse came over.

I sighed and pulled up my sleeve, and held out my right hand. She snapped on a red bracelet and then left.

“See?” I demanded, holding up my hand. “I’ll never get better.”

“Getting better doesn’t have anything to do with how many bracelets you have. It has to do with this.” He touched my temple.

“Well this is dead.” I told him. “You have too much Faith in me.”

“Just like you have in everyone else.”

“It’s no use in having faith in me.”

“Why not?”

“Because when I don’t make it, it will hurt you that much more.”

“It will kill me if you don’t make it.” He grabbed my arms. “Snap out of this Beautiful! Don’t say your ugly. Don’t say your Fat, Don’t say you can’t get better, Don’t lie to me Charlie.”

“I’m not lying. I can’t get better.”

“You  know you can get better Charlie, I know you know it, but your just scared.”

I took a breath and didn’t say anything. I knew he was right. I was scared.

“I can’t help it.” I finally said. “When I’ve felt one way for so long, it’s so hard to feel something different. I don’t know if I can.”

“Have you even tried?”

“I don’t know how to try Cyrus. I really don’t.”

“Do what they tell you to do. Listen to what they say. Hold on to the hope of getting better.” He grabbed my Hands. “Who’s someone you would hate to go through this?”

“My sister if I have one. Chloe or Caroline.”

“So when they come around, do you want them thinking that they’re ugly and fat because big sister thinks that way?”

“No.”

“But it’s okay right? I mean big sister thinks that way, so it has to be okay for Chloe or Caroline.”

“It’s not.”

“Well what’s good for one sister is good for the other.”

“No it’s not. I’m going to Teach Chloe or Caroline to love themselves, to not care what others say about them. I’m going to raise them with Hope. I’m going to be there for everything they need help with no matter how stupid and little it is, because She’s mine. She’s mine to protect, Society will not get to her like it got to me.”

“And how are you going to protect her from the thing that threatens your life, when you have no idea how to do it?” He questioned. “I mean if you get better you’ll know all the warning signs, and you’ll know how to stop her from getting as bad as you did.”

“Am I really that bad?” I looked at him.

“Worse.”

~Trapped Inside~

It was around lunch time when I started to feel a little better. I still felt fat, and I still didn’t want to eat. I mean my little sister wasn’t here yet and what if I never ever got one? What if they were both boys? I knew how to stop people from cutting. I knew how to help people, I just didn’t know how to help me. Eating food didn’t seem like it was the answer.

I still wanted to go home but I knew damn well that my Mom wasn’t going to let me when she realized just how bad it got. I had major dizzy spells, I was barely able to pick up my bag because of how much muscle I had lost. It hurt when someone tried to hug me so I started to cringe. It only made people worry about me more when that’s the last thing I had wanted from anyone. Was for them to worry. It was hard to try when you had no goal. During the week the music room was closed so it was hard to practice anything for the band.

Which just let me focus on more on the fact that I felt trapped inside my very own dreams.

~Reason for Insane.~

It was now February first. It was starting to get warmer, but you still had to wear a jacket in the garden which was wear I was. Sitting in front of the stones. Ryder was at my left and Alex was at my right. It was hard to have a decent conversation now with so many nurses around, waiting for you to say the wrong thing. They had retaken off my red bracelet again. They never took off my blue bracelet however.

“Do you think they can hear us?” Alex whispered.

“I wouldn’t doubt it.” Ryder muttered back.

“It’s not fair that we have to be watched so much.” I muttered.

“That’s what we get for being sick.” Ryder whispered.

“How are we supposed to get better when we feel alone?” I demanded. “Like we have no one to talk to.”

“I guess that’s what group is for.” Alex answered.

“Even group is more quieter. Barely anyone is expressing their feelings.” Ryder whispered.

“Because They’re all afraid.” I muttered, ripping at the grass.

“Careful,” Alex touched my hand, “You don’t want them coming over here thinking you’re going to have an episode.”

I sighed and let the grass I had in my hand slowly fall out.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not going to be able to get better in this hostile environment. Sure there wasn’t so much nurses lurking around back then but at least it felt like a home. Like we belonged here.” Ryder said. “It feels like we’re intruding now. This used to be a place where it was safe to talk to your friends about your problems. Now you say the wrong thing and you get a bracelet strapped into place.”

“I feel the same.” Alex nodded. “It doesn’t feel like I have support here. It feels like all the staff members have something better to do.”

“Exactly.” I mumbled.

“And the worst part is we can’t do anything about it because we don’t know who to talk to. They’d probably Strap us all into a padded cell if we told them we didn’t feel safe.” Ryder muttered.

“If they want us to get better you would think that they would actually act like they cared.” Alex whispered.

“What are you guys doing?” Clara asked squeezing between Alex and I.

“We’re talking about all the new nurses.” Alex answered.

“I know right?” She asked. “It feels like we’re in prison. One wrong turn and they’ll start strapping on shocking bracelets.”

“Can they do that?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Clara whispered. “But I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“Me either.” Ryder spoke up.

“This school is making me feel scared to get better.” I muttered.

“Mr. Pepper.” Alex jumped up. “We can trust him.”

He held out his hands and I grabbed them so he could pull me up.

“Come on.”

Clara and Ryder each grabbed one of his hands, and jumped up. We quickly hurried to Mr. Pepper and voiced our opinions.

“And we have no idea of what to do about it.” Alex finished.

Mr. Pepper stayed quite for a second, then ran a hand over his face. “I agree with you all completely. Other students have come to me complaining also.”

“So what do we do?” Clara asked.

“What can we do?” I asked.

“I’m working on it.” Mr. Pepper sighed. “But I have no idea on how to go about it. The board spoke. It was rather we did this or we had to get shut down.”

“So they’d rather have us afraid of getting better, then feeling like there’s hope?” Ryder questioned.

“I don’t know Ryder.” Mr. Pepper shook his head. “I’m trying to work through it I am, but there’s only so much one person can do.”

“Our parents.” I said.

“What about them?” Clara asked. “They put us in here.”

“Maybe if we talk to them-“

“And then they take us out?” Alex cut off Ryder. “There’s nothing we can do. We’re just kids. Kids who are sick. They think we’re all crazy. We don’t need to give them reason to see us insane.”

“Well then what about the other kids that feel the same?” I questioned. “What if we put up a strike? I’m not going to just roll over and play dead. I’m here for one thing and one thing only, and that’s to get better. Every time I see one of these stupid bracelets it just reminds me of how sick I really am, and when other people look at them it makes me feel bad about myself. And our friends are the ones who have helped us the most and all of the sudden we can’t talk to them without getting another bracelet slapped into place. This is bull shit!”

They were all quite after I finished I knew they all believed me and were on my side but they didn’t say anything.

“When is the strike?” Caden asked from the door.

~When's the Strike?~

 "When is the strike?" Caden asked from the door.

I smiled at him, and He nodded.

"I'm in, but we have to make sure we have a lot of people becuase no one is going to want to listen to a couple of teenagers." Ayelie said, "Who cares if a couple of kids have a promblem. But if half the schoold had a problem?"
"The only problem is, How are we going to talk to anyone about this?" Ryader asked, "There's nurses everywere, and if they see us trying to rebel they'll probably lock us in a padded cell."

"Do they have thoes?" Clara wanted to know.

"Yup." Alex, Ayelie, and Caden said in unison.

I looked at my brother and he shrugged.

Alex sat down at a desk. What if we stayed up past curfew and put up poster boards for everyone to see in the morning?" He offered.

"They'll just take it down when they're doing morning checks. The nurses wake up early for that." Clara said.

"That's why we make a bunch of them." Caden said, "So much that they don't have a chance to take them all down. It just takes a couple of kids to see it, and then there goes the rumor mill. We might be crazy, but we're still in high school."

We all agreed and headed to the door.
    "Wait!" Mr. Peper called.

We a

ll slowly truned to him. He wasn't going to stop us was he? He was just on our side d a couple of seconds ago. Mr. Peper got up and walked to a closet.

"Shut the door Ayelie." He pulled out a poster board. "This needs to be done in secret. If they can't find out who did it, we can keep doing it until someone hears us."

"Good idea." ALex walked over to Mr. Peper and Ayelie closed and locked the door.

"Charlie," Mr. Peper pointed his arms full of poster boards, "Get the markers from the file cadinet. Caden, Ryder, move back all the desks we need some room. Clara grab the scissors, AYelie, grab the glue, ALex, help me set out these poster barods."
We all got to work on the poster boards. Mr. Peper gave our classses a note saying our grade was falling and we were with him doing a report for extra credit. No nurse needed, they thought Mr. Peper was on their side. It was two in the morning as we met back up at Mr. Peper's class room. We had a bunch of desks pulled together, a big map over them like a table cloth. Caden and I were the last to get there.

"Noe," Mr. Peper pointed to the map, "The hall ways with the class rooms don't have a camera except for one at the end of the halls. They have motion sencors, so you have to look out for them. Put these on."

He handed out paper masks. I guess bandit hats would be a bit too much. He also told us to wear black and us girls to wear a hood to cover the color of our hair.

"Alright, we'll be in groups. The girls and then the boys." Mr. Peper said.

We all grabbed some posers and headed into the halls.

 

~Victory to the CK's!~

 The next morning I hurried to the spot where everyone was supposed to meet the next morning. All my friends stood quiet as a single poster wasn't in sight.

"What happened?" I demanded.

"They took them down." Ayelie simply said.

A cahnt in the next hall rose up.

"What's that?" Ryder asked.

A large group of students rounded the corner, Stabbing the air with our posters. I smiled, leading the charge was Owen.

No more bracelets!" The group shouted, "Cut back on nurses!"

Well what do you fucking know?" Caden snorted.

I grabbed Clara and Ayelie's arms and we ran to join the charge.

"No more bracelets!" We all yelled again, "Cut back on nurses!"

We looped back around to Mr. Peper's class room. He was standing by a table with a couple of students, that were wearing 'FIGHT THE POWER!' shirts. They where handing out signs and Shirts. I scooped one up along the way with my other firneds, and we headed to the foor hall. On the way a couple of nurses tried to stop us, but a couple of hissies from us, and they were long gone. Five down, three hundred to go. I stood on a table, and held my sign high.

"No more bracelets!" I yelled, as my frineds chanted behind me, "Cut back on Nurses! This isn't a Rehab center, this is prison! We don't feel safe here! Who's with us?"

Everyone in the room gave a shout of I's and stood.

"Stop by Mr. Peper's room and join the strike!"

The rest of us left the food hall, "NO more bracelets!"

A loud beep went through the halls and everyone covered their ears.

"Stop this silliness," A strong male voice cam over the speaker box. "You are to all get to class or there will darastic measures taken!"
    "Thy're lying!" I yelled. "The only thing they can do is stick us with a needle, and we can sue them becuase we're not having a melt down! They're afraid!"

"No more bracelets!" A kid called from the back.

"Yeah!" We all yelled tossing up our signs.

We all headed down the hall. We didn't eat, or go to class, we just continued with our strike. Around lunch the school was called to the field. A man stood in front of us. He nervously fixed his tie.

"I understand that some of you have a problem with the new program."

"Yup!" Everyone yeled, thrusting their signs into the air.

"Since you won't give this up, we have dicided to let you all pick one student to come up here and fight your case."

Everyone around be began tapping my arm, and saying Go. I walked up to the stage and put my hands on the podium. The bottom layer of benches had women and Men, in suits. They all scowled at me, and I swallowed. I looked over at Caden, who shook his head. Show no fear. Got it.

"The reason we have called for a strike is because we don't feel safe. We don't think that it's fair or right for us to have to wear bracelets showing off our issuses."

"The bracelets are for the staff to know how to act with a child." A man called.
"Alright." I nodded. "But we're the ones who are supposed to feel comfortable enough to get better. These bracelets are jsut a constant reminder that we're fucked up. and when other students look at them it messes with our self-esteem. When you adults look at them it makes us all feel belittled. We're supposed to get help for our problems not feel worse about them. You guys are supposed to help us not make us feel small. Us talking to our friends is the only cause of help we have gotten from here, but now you have so many nurses around we can't talk and vent to each other, so we have to keep to ourselves which is just like being at home."

"Yup!" The signs went up.

"What are you asking for exactly Ms.-?" AN older woman asked.
"That we don't have to wear these bracelets and we don't have to have so many nurses around. We want to be able to vent to our friends." I got down from the podium, and then quickly got back up," And if Mr. Peper gets fired for this, I'll burn don't the school."

"Yup!" The signs went up, adn Mr. Peper looked touched.

I sat back down, and the first guy got back up.

"We have decided that the bracelets are a little too muh, so they will be removed. But as for the nurses we cannot do anything. It is state code that we have a certain amount of nurses."

"Boo!" Signs shot up in anger.

"But," The man held up his hands, and we all shut up, "Every day after school you will be able to gather in the food hall and vent to your group of friends. No nurses will be able to step foot into the room."

We all chered.

"And Mr. Peper will remain the arts teacher."

Everyone stood and cheared.

"Guess they didn't want you burning down the school." Owen muttered to me.

 

 

~Be honest, This is what we fought for~

 We soon got thoes stupid bracelets removed and then got sent to class. After school kids hurried to the food hall. They also opened up the library for the other kids that didn't fit into the food hall. This is where w were. At the back of the room, in a couner.

"What's the meaning of life?" Ayelie asked, as she sat on the end of a table.

Owen was sitting on the other side of the same table, as Clara layed between the two of them in a ball. I sat on the table across from them in-between Ryder and Caden. Alex sat on the other side of Ryder.

OWen seemed to smile a bit as he told her, "Living isn't fucking easy."

I picked at my thumb nail. I remember asking Owen the same question back in the day. He gave me the exact same answer.

"Living is fucking Evil." Caden spoke up.

I nodded.
He had a good point, my brother.

This is stupid." Clara said, sitting up, letting her feet fall just above the ground. "We're supposed to be telling our firends about what we feel. Tha'ts what we fought for. So I'll go first. I feel like I have no right to live because Society made me feel that way. I feel that adults want me to act like one but they keep treating me like a kid. I feel adultslook down on me becuase I have an eating disorder."
     "They look down on me becuase I have scars." Ryder said, looking at the hole in his jeans.

"Yeah. Adults hurt you so bad, and they make you feel small so you cut and then they look down on you for doing it." Cadens snorted, "That's how I feel."
"I agree." Ayelie tossed up a hand at him, "Just because we're different and we see the wold differently, we have to get locked up in this place."

"What if we're not the crazy ones?" OWen looked at all of us. "What if they're the cazy ones?"

"How do you feel Charlie?" Clara asked. "You're the one who came up with this idea weren't you?"

My mouth fell open.
    "Come on," Caden smacked my leg with the back of his hand, "Give it a shot."

"I feel defeated." I looked down, "I feel like all of you are getting better, and I have no idea how to do the same. I feel like picking up a blade, and draging it across my arm, just to make sure I can still feel, and I feel like I want to not eat so I can wither away into nothing. Light as a feather."

"And Alex?" Owen asked.
     "Sad." He muttered, and then pulled his legs to his chest.

"Everyones sad." Caden muttered softly.

"Well I'm too sad." Alex sighed, "I'm never going to stop being sad. It's never going to go away. I feel like even if I do get out of here like charlie thinks, I'll just go right back to my old ways. I'll pick up a bald, or a pipe, and I'll get bad again. But like Clara says I can't tell my Doctor this because He'll look at me like I'm a crazy piece of shit. I don't deserve to live."
     "Yeah you do." He looekd up at me, "We all do. We just have to believe it."

"How?" Clara asked.
    "I don't know." Owen answered for me.

"I don't think It's ever going to go away." Caden spoke up. "Because if it did, if the sadness and hating yourself ever went away, we wouldn't be here. Ryder, ALex, Ayelie, Charlie, and I wouldn't cut ourselves, and Charlie, Clara and Ryder wouldn't feel the need to starve for perfection."

"The only good thing about this place is that I met you guys. I never had friends out in the real world." I picked at my thumb again. "Normal people don't understand me. They don't know what it feels like to ahte yourself. They just don't get it."

"And the worst thing about this place?" Ryder asked.
     "Them forcing us to Recover." Alex said. "I don't do well when I'm forced to do something."

"Yeah," Ayelie shook her head, "I don't like being told what to do. It makes me feel like a little kid and I've been through more shit that most adults."

"I know right?" Clara snorted. "I bet they don't even know what it's like to hate yourself."
     "I don't like how they act all careful." I kicked my leg out. "Like I"m going to fall and break the first chance I get."

"I know!" Owen tossed out a hand. "They tip toe around the situation at hand. We might as well jsut go back home. That's what are parents do. That's why they sent us here, so other poeple can take care of thier kids, becuase they don't feel like it."
"I don't think it's becuase they don't feel like it." Alex shook his head. "I think it's because they're afraid of us."

"Which is insane." Ayelie looked at us to make sure we agreed with her. "They raised us. They should know how to treat us. How to help us."
"But they don't," Clara yanked a string from her sweater. "And that's why we're here. And I'm not to sure if they're scared of us, or scared for us."
"And that's the worst thing. Having the ones you love worry abut you." I looked at my knee. "Because when people start to worry, they start to pay attention to you."

 

 

~This is fucking rediculous~

 It's been three months since the strike. The bracelets aren't in play anymore, but the nurses are still there. As stong as ever. It's the middle of may and suprise! Chloe and Coltan are coming to town! I've gained wieght. I've learned how to not binge, but I still think I'm fat.

Clara looks healthy, and her face is gaining some color. Ayelie started to open up to Her Doctor, and Alex switched meds. Ryder and Caden had five break downs, Owen had seven, and I had three. One was really bad so Mom had to come down. I didn't think she really needed to. She didn't need the stress, becuase she was pregnant. So I quit having break downs.

Kids began to really use talking to thier friends to the fullest. The even started talking to kids out side of their friend groups. One more month and then it would be summer. But I wasn't really in a rush. Clara lived in California, Ayelie was from Noth Carolina, Alex was in New York, and Rydser was in Idaho. I was stuck in Virginia. With Caden and Owen, who had evidently gotten into two fist fights in the last three months.

It caused them to meet the white room. When I had my really bad mealt down I had to meet the white room too. It's a padded cell, floor walls roof, with a padded door on your side, a metal one on their side. They stripped me of my clothes, and put me in a paper gown. They had aslo slapped me in a straight Jacket. By the time the seditive wore off I bent like a freaking pretzel and broke out of the stright jacket. I had already been freaking out so bad, that no one wanted to come in my cell and put it back on me.

Inside the cell it was creepy quiet, and when someone would talk outside of the door, it was muffeled. You couldn't make out what they said. And the room was so damn white it stung my eyes. Mom had finally showed up and they slowly let her in. As soon as I saw her I had calmmed down, and Mom was irrated that she was called down, becuase, obviously I was fine. She deamdned that they let me out of the cell. They did.

I was curently sitting on the courner of the couch in the lounge. Ayelie was streached out on the couch next to me her head on my lap. I stared at the wall playing with her hair. Clara was sitting on the floor in front on me hitting her head on the arm rest, as she stared at the wall. Three months. Three months and we were all breaking.

"What the hell happened to you?" Alex deamdned standing in front of us.

He was the only one out of Us all that acted normal becuase he was on the right pills. The rest of us were doped up on xanax and zoloft. We all looked at him, not really seeing him.

"Are you," He waved a hand in front of my face, and I followed it, "Are you high?"

Ayelie wiped at her face, but her hand was soaked from previous tears, so her face remained wet. They kept us dopped up becuase we're the trouble makers. The Real CK's.

"Stop it," Alex grabebd Clara's head in his hands.

She stopped hitting her head. Alex slowly let go of her face, and she began to hit her head agin.

"This is fucking rediculous."

And he left the room. I followed him until he was gone and then looked at the wall. I touched Clara's head and she stopped hitting her head. I took one of her curls and wrapped it around my finger. A nurse walked over to me slowly syringe in hand.
    "Charlie," She said hands up, a couple of nurses behind her, "It's time to change your meds okay?"

My eyes followed her hand as she stuck the needel in my arm.

"Good girl," She said, as she pushed in the grey tip.
A nurse went for Ayelie, and I grabbed the syringe and tossed it across the room. Another went for Clara and I jumped up knocking them to the side. I looked down at Clara. She was looking up at me like a scared little girl. Not Afraid of me of course. I looked behind me, and A nurse held a straight jacket.

 

~It's almost over~

 I woke up in the white room, propped against a wall. My mouth was dry, my eyes heavy, and My arms ached from being in a stright jacket for so long. The loud lock turned, and the door opened. Someone walked in, but I couldn't make them out, my vision was blurred.
    "Be careful."

"Fuck off."

The person bent down in fornt of me.
    "Charlie?" He waved a hand and I followed it. "Can you see me yet?"

I shook my head.
   "It's me," He rwached around to undo the jacket. "Owen."

He pulled the jacket off and I wrapped my arms around his neck. The last time I saw Owen, he was sitting in a chair in the lounge, drooling on himself. Then a couple of nurses took him away, and I didn't see him again. That was four days ago.

"They're going to change your meds, but you have to stay calm okay?" He sat down next to me. "They need you to work with them."
I crawled onto his lap.

"She's fine." Owen called.

A nurse came in and took my face. My eyes still didn't work. Were stiil heavy. The nurse opened and eye, and shined in a light. I jerked my head away, and the nurse jumped back.

"It's okay." Owen took my face, "Sh."
The nurse slowly shined the light in my other eye. I tried to yank away, but Owen held onto my face.

"You're okay." He soothed. "It's almost over."
And then I started to cry. Which was basically the only thing I could do these days. The nurse left the room, and my eyes began to foucus.

"Here." Owen put something to my mouth.

I looked down. A water bottle.
     "Come on Charlie," He tipped it. "There you go It's okay. I promise."
He rubbed my arm. I pushed the bottle away and plopped my too heavy head onto his chest.

"Good girl."
I closed my eyes.

~Straberries and Cherries~

 I slowly opened my eyes. My bed. My mind was clear. I smelled strawberries, and cherries. Clara and Ayelie. I quickly sat up, my head spinning. I couldn't tell if it was a side effect of the seditive, or my eating Disorder.
    "Welcome to the Suicide wing," Ayelie grinned, as she sat on my desk.

"Where all your nightmares come true," Clara finished from where she leaned on the wall.

I shot out of bed, ingoring the dizziness, and Pulled Ayelie into a hug. She was closest. I then quickly pulled Clara into a hug.

"Suicide wing." I nodded.

"Yeah," Clara nodded too.

"You act like it's a bad thing, you ass holes," Ayelie snorted.
     "There's my btich," I grinned and pulled her in for a hug by her neck. "What happened? The last thing I remember is getting drugged up on pills."

"Yeah, that was five days ago." Clara explained.
     "Five days!" I yelled.

"Yeah, Alex saw something was up and asked to use the phone. He called your Mom, and she sent Jackson down and he got pissed when He saw us all lying around. He demadned we got put on the right pills." Ayelie added.

"What day is it?" I rubbed my head, and sat down on my bed.

"May Twenty-nine-th." Ayelie reclaimed her place on the wall.

"That long?" I looked at them.
They both nodded.

There was a knock on the door, and we all looked. The door was pushed open. Caden marched into the room, freshly showered, and there wasn't a stain on the front of his shirt, like the last time I saw him. Which was who knows how long ago. He pulled me in for a hug.
    "You okay?"

"Yeah."
He pulled back and looked at me.

"You guys good?" He looked at Ayelie and Clara.

"Yeah." Clara rubbed her neck.

"Peachy," Ayelie snorted.

I reached over and pulled on a jacket. Caden watched me but didn't say anything. It was probably hot as hell. Ayelie was in a pair of shorts and a tank top. Clara was dressed in sweats and a sweater. Yup, hot as hell.

"Were's everyone else?" I asked.

"Alex is in the food hall with Owen." Caden shoved his hands into his pocket. "It's dinner time."

"Where's Ryder?" Clara looked at him.

"Don't tell me he's dead," Ayelie held up a hand. "Don't you dare. I'll beat your ass all the way to the white room."
    "He's fine." He quickly said, when He saw my face. "He's with the Doctor right now. He was the last to wake up, so they're changing his meds right now. I was told to come get you guys."

Aeylie, Clara and I joined hands and we headed to the food hall. We grabbed a tray and then headed to the table ALex and Owen had calimed.

"Charlie!" Alex grinned, pulling out a chair. "Hey!"

"Hey,' I smiled.
I set down my tray and slowly sat down. I turned to him and we hugged. I high fived Owen. Ryder came into the food hall. He pulled down his sleeves and got into line.

"I'll be back." I touched Clara's arm, who had sat next to me.

As I got closer I saw dark circles under Ryder's eyes. When He spotted me he smiled, and stood taller. I hurried to him, and we hugged. He smoothed a hand over my head.
     "You're okay." He whispered. "Everything's fine."

"Are you okay?" I pulled back and he grabbed a tray.

"Best as I can be."

 

 

 

~Can I go home?~

 I was sitting in one of the Doctor's offices. I was on a leather couch with Caden. I had my legs over the arm rest, my back on Caden's side. He had an arm around my collar bones, and he was pinching the bridge of his nose, probably praying. Dr. Lancer was sititng at Her Desk with Mom and Jackson, going over our file. If we're deemed healthy enough, if we made enough progress, we could go home for three months of summer. If not, we'd stay for a month of summer school, and then go home for two months.

"Well Caden can go home no stringe attached." Dr. Lancer said.

Caden sighed, adn opened his eyes.

"And my daughter?" Jackson demanded.
   "Well I recomend you leave her here for summer school." Dr. Lancer handed over a folder to Mom.

Of couse you do bitch.

"But I can take her home?"

"Of course. She's made enough progress." Dr. Lancer set a paper on the desk. "This is her meal schedule. She has to eat according to this chart. You have to be stern. And here's how many times a week she needs to be wieghed. And her wieght goals are here in the couner. If she gets below nintey-four, you need to bring her back."

Caden patted my arm in sucess. But I felt empty.

"So this is everything?" Mom asked.

"Yes," Dr. Lancer stood and we did too. "Have a nice day."
Mom, Jackson, and Dr. Lancer shook hands.
   "Bye Caden and Charlie. See you next year."

That's what you think bitch.

~Get ready, get set, go!~

We had bearly gotten into the foyer of the house, when Jackson truned to us wipping out two credit cards. Mom held up a ring of keys.
    "Get ready, get set go!" Jackson announced.

I grabbed my card, puched Cadne, grabbed the keys and ran for the door. Caden grabbed my arm, yanked me back, adn ran down the front lawn. We headed to the mall, and went different ways. I grabbed what I needed for my brothers room and then Caden and I met back up in the food court. Caden glared at me until I slowly began to eat my salad. Once at home we began our work. COltan's room was bare. White walls, carpet. I layed out a sheet and got to work on the walls.

"So," Jackson grinend at Cadne and I, "How's it going?"

"I already have ahlf of Chloe's things set up." Caden grinned, then looked at me.
     "I'm doing good."

"Can we get a sneak peek?" MOm asked eating a peice of chicken.
    "No way." Caden shook his head.
    "Nope." I agreed. "You'll jsut want us to change everythign."
     "No I won't!" She gasped.
    "Honey," Jackson raised his eye brows.
    "Fine." She sighed. "I'll wait."

I looked down at my plate. I had already eaten all of my carrots. When the hell did that happen? I looked over at Caden's plate, but he didn't have carrots. He didn't even like carrots, so I guess I did eat them. I looked at Mom and she nodded at me with a smile. Yup, my fat ass ate them all. After diner I took a quick shower, and sat down at my lap top. I opened it, and Caden walked in.

"You started yet?" He dryed his hair with a Towle.

"Just in time." I told him.

He sat down next to me. Five squares popped onto my screen.
     "Hey!" Clara squeled and leaned into her lap top.

Ayelie covered her ears, and then grinned.

"What's up guys?' Alex grinned.

"Can we take a minute to talk about how hot it is here?" Owen demanded.

Ryder, Clara and I stayed quiet, and Ayelie, Alex, and Caden agreed with him. We neer thought it was hot. I was starting to miss the feeling of being warm. Even when I took hot showers I still dind't feel warm. I always felt cold.

"So," Ryder changed the subject, "Who's in the lead with the baby room?"

"Me." Caden qucikly said.
     "As if," I shoved his arm. "I bet Chloe's paint is different shades."
    "Is not!" His mouth popped open.

"Sibling rivalry!" Ayelie sighed, "I love it."

Caden laughed, and I flipped her off.

 

 

~Big girls eat~

 Caden and sat at the table. I had my knees pulled up to my chest,a dn I was picking at my grabe bowl. Caden stabed four peices of waffle and shoved it into his mouth.

"Good morning family." Jackson said coming into the kitchen.

He kissed MOm, who was at the stove, and then high fived us as he passed us.

"Is that all your eating?" Jackson asked me.

Even though he was just asking a simple question, I thought he was judging me. I bit my tounge from snapping at him, until I tasted blood. He was Jackson. He wasn't trying to belittle me. He didn't know how that question could effect a person with an eating disorder. He didn't know that when I was asked this that I thought of the needel on the scale slowly climbing up to three hundred pounds. He didn't know I thought about every time I binged, every type of cookie I had ever stuffed into my mouth.
    "Mom's making her pumpkin spice pancake." Caden spoke up as I didn't answer.
    "Oh," Jackson looked at the paper. "Good."

Caden looked at me.

'You okay?' He mouthed.

I slightly lifted my left shoulder.

"Here honey." Mom set down a plate in front of me and sat down.

I let my legs fall to the floor, and scooted closer to the table. I looked at my pancakes.

"Are they too hot?" Mom was sudden;y worried, "Do I need to put them in the fridge?"

"No," I shook my head looking at the plate.

"Then what's wrong?" SHe asked, poking a pancake to see if it was too hot.

"Why did you give me two?" I looked at her.

"What do you mean?" She looked confused. "The batter made two."

"Mom." I flatly said.
     She looked at me, "What?"

"Why did you give me two?"

"Oh, right." She looked at her plate. "I forgot."

"You need to eat both of them for your food schedule." Jackson snapped his paper.

"What if I can't?" I questioned.
     "Baby steps." Mom said, touching my arm.

"Baby steps to her grave." Caden muttered.
     "Caden." Jackson warrned.
     "Sorry." Caden loked down, "No one was supposed to hear that."
     "Well I did." I pushed my chair back. "And It hurt my feelings big brother."

 "Charlie!" Caden called after me. "I'm sorry."

I slammed the door to my room and grabbed my lap top. I saw Clara was on and Clicked on her name.

She was in a fluffy pink robe with hearts, her hair in a braid.

"How much do you wieght?" I shot off.

"Ninety-three." She looked confused. "What happened?

"Are you on a food schedule?"

"Yeah," She muttered, "Stupid piece of shit."

"Caden told me I was going to die."

"Excuse me?" She demanded.

"Well my stupid chart says I have to eat two pancakes. So I said, what if I can't and My Mom said Baby steps."

Clara nodded, taking a sip form a bottle of diet coke, "Yeah."

"And then Caden Said Baby steps to her grave."

"What a dick." She looked hurt. "DId he not spend a year with you in a recovery school? Does he not remember how hard you fought to get to where you are today. What an ass hole. I'll kcik his ass next year, I promise."
I laughed, "I miss you."

"I miss you too Love!" She looked sad.

There was a knock on my door.

"I got to go."
    "I love you!" She said quickly.
    "I love you too."

Clara's box disapeared.

"Who is it?" I called shutting my lap top.
    "It's Mom."
   "Come in."

Mom came in with a palte, adn sat on my bed.
    "Caden doesn't understnad." She handed me  my breakfast plate

I took the plate. One of the panckaes was cut in half. I looked at her.

"Baby steps." She nodded.

"Thanks Mom." I gave her a hug.

"Your welcome." She looked down embarrassed, "I kind of have to watch you eat it."

"It's okay." I picked up my fork.

"I have to go to a doctor's apointment, want to come with?"

"Sure." I smiled at her.

 

~Little toes and fingers~

 It was august twenty-eight-th, at two in the morning. Mom had just got wheeled into a room with Jackson at her side. I was sititng in a hard plastic chair, my legs to my chest, as Caden pased in front of me. The hospital was frezzing. I was dressed in sweats and Long shirt, and fuzzy slippers. Caden stopped, and looked at me. He opened his mouth, and then shut it. He continued to pace. We had been arguing all summer. He yanked his sweater over his head, adn held it out to me.
     "Here."
I quickly took it and pulled it over my head, adn over ly legs.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" He began to pace again.
     "I guess."

"You guess!" He boomed, earining a glance of random people.

A nurse walked by, and I flinched.

"You okay?" Caden looked at me confused, and then looked down the hall seeing the nurse.

He sighed, sat next to me, adn took my hand.
    "You're okay. Your not at school. "They can't do anything to you here."

I slowly nodded.

"So," His voice was tight as he tried to change the subject. "What do you think they'll look like?"

"Bald." I took my hand away from him, and crossed my arm over my legs. "Pink."

He snorted.

"Hey, listen." He turned in his seat to face me. "We have to work togther for them."

"Why?" I looked at the floor. "They won't rmemeber us anyways. We'll just be the crazy big sister and brother who come home on holidays."

"You know that's not true." Caden shook his head. "They'll be execting us to show them how to deal with life."
    "Then you can help them. If they look to me, they'll be looking at the wrong sibling."

"Why are you acting like this?" He demanded. "When we where at school you where ready to teach them things."
    "So they can just wish me to my grave basically?" I glared at him. "Look at you. I didn't teach you anything, and you still want me dead."

"That's not true."
"What's not true? I didn't teach you anything or you want me dead?"

"Both!" He looked confused. "I don't want you to be dead. You're my sister. And you taught me a lot. You taught me to never stop fighting. If you want something don't give it up. You taught me compassion. To never give up on anyone.

To help people. To make things better for the ones you love even if your mind is a prison cell. No, look at me." He took my face as I looked away from him. "You taught me how important it is to have someon on your side. Someone who understands what your going through. How to not tell the wrong person about your issues. How to be loyal. You bost up my self-esteem without even knowing it. It jsut sucks that Chloe and Coltan will never know the real you. If you want them to know you as the Crazy big sister, who comes home on holidays, then fine so be it. But I'm going to be there for them.

Becuase that's what siblings do. They stick around because they love each other. That's another thing you taught me. How to love, but maybe you forgot who you really are."
     "Where are you going?" I called after him, as he stood up and headed down the hall.

"To the food hall."

I let my head fall onto the wall. I closed my eyes. Thick rubber soles trammped down the hall, people laughed and cryed.

"Here," Someone tapped my arm. "I got you a coffee."

I looked at Owen, and he held out the coffee.

"Do you think I'm a good person?"

"Of course I do." He shook the coffee. "What kind of stupid question is that? You're the most caring Loyal person I know."

 

 

~ Crazy isn't contagious~

An hour later Jackson bounded over to us, a huge grin in place. Owen let go of my hand and Stood.
    "Everything's okay?" Owen wanted to know.

"Everythings perfect!" Jackson slapped his back. "They have nothing wrong with them. Charlie come on,"

Jackson grabbed my ahdna nd pulled me to my feet. He pulled me down the hall but I planted my feet.

"What's wrong?" He looked at me, smile still in place.

"I'l going to go find Caden." Owen slapped Jackson on the back. "Congrats."
     "Thanks." Jackson smiled at him.
Owen squeezed my hand and then headed down the hall.

"What's the matter Charlie?" Jackson's smile slowly faded. "Don't you want to meet your brother and Sister?"

"I don't think it's a good idea for me to be around them."

"Why not?"

I looked down, "Because I'm crazy."

"Becuase your what?" He leaned in.
"Becuase I"m crazy." I sighed, tossing up a hand.

"Charlie, they're not going to become crazy if they see you." He laughed, "What to knwo why?"
"Why?" I looked at him.
"Becuase your not crazy."

"I'm not?"

"No," He tossed an arm around my shoulders, and led me down the hall. "Besides, even if you where, crazy isn't contagious."

"Are you sure about that one?"

"Yes. Possitive."

Jackson led me to a large glass window. There was a bunch of glass cribs linned up with little tiny pinky babies.

"There." Jakcosn pointed to the second row smack in the middle. "Do you see them?"

I slowly nodded. There was a pink sign on one of the glass cribs, saying in bold letters, 'It's a girl!' and then there was Chloe Daniels written in black marker. The crib next to her's had a blue sign, saying, 'it's a boy!" and Coltan Daniels, was writeen in thick black marker. They where wrapped in blankets like little buritos. Chloe had a pink and white beanie on and Coltan had on a blue and yellow beanie.

"What do you think?" Jackson asked, putting his arm around me again and pulling me close to his side, "Pretty cool right?"

Again I nodded. A door opened and a nurse came out.

"Charlie?" She asked.

"Yeah?" I slowly asked, leaning closer into Jackson.

"You want to meet them?"

I looked up at Jackson.

"She'd love to." He nodded.

I walked over. The nurse led the way over to the twins. I grabbed some grem killer on the way.

"Here they are." The nurse beamed.
Coltan looked around confused, but Chloe had her eye locked on mine. They looked sad, almost pleading.

"Why does she look sad?" I looked at the nurse.
    "She doesn't look sad honey," The nurse laughed, "She's interested."

"In what?"

"In her big sister."

"I'm a big sister."

"Yup," The nurse rubbed my arm. "You want to hold her?"

"I don't think that's a good idea." I took a step back and Chloe began to cry.

"Sure it is." The nurse scooped her up and Chloe began to scream. "Here. It's okay."

The blanket fell a bit, freeing one of Chloe's hands. I sudden;y felt a surge of protection. I took a step forward, without giving my body the okay, and watched as My arms reached for Chloe. Once she was in my arms I pulled her to my chest.

"See!" The nurse beamed. "She loves you already!"

I looked down at Chloe, who had stopped crying the second I had touched her. I touched her little had and she grabbed it. Her eye looked pleading still. Like she had something to tell me, but couldn't find the words. Almost warning me about something.

"Hey," Caden touched my arm. "Mom's asking for you."

"So?"

"So I'll take Chloe."

"No," I took a step back.

"Jeesh," He muttered. "I was just trying to help you."

"She's mine." I glared at him. "Back off."

He grinned, and pulled out his phone. "Smile."

I held Chloe up, and grinned.

He handed the nurse the camera, "Can you take a picture of me and My siblings?"

"Sure." She nodded.
Caden scooped up Coltan with ease. He walked over and stood next to me. He put an arm around me, and the nurse snapped a picture.

"Perfect," She grinned. "This is one for the scrap book."

 

 

 

~Welcome home kids~

 I walked into Chloe's room, my wet pony tail swishing over my back, leaving a wet streak like a window wiper in the rain.

Jackson was just picking her up out of her crib.

"Caden took over for Mom so she could get some sleep." I told Jackson. "I could do the same for you."

"You're here on summer vacation Charlie. I couldn't ask you to be a baby siter."

"One," I walked over and Held out my arms. "She's my siser, and two, I live here."

"Thanks for this." He handed over Chloe. "I'm beat."

I set Chloe on her changing table.

"So have you come up with an answer yet?" I asked, as I changed her diaper. "Should I forgive Caden?"
She blinked at me.

"I mean, He didn't really wish me dead. I think."
She thumped an arm.

"And we're going back to school in a couple of Days. I guess I need someone I can trust."

She sighed.

"I know. I don't want to go back either, but don't you want me to graduate so you can be proud of something that I did?"

She turned her head to the door, and I looked over. Caden took a step into the room, a bottle in his hand.

"I know you probably think I'm crazy for talking to a baby." I told him.
    "I've seen you do worse." He hld out the bottle. "Besides, I talk to Coltan all the time."

"Thanks." I took the bottle.

"So," He sat down on the foot rest of Chloe's rocker. "School."
    "School." I sat on the rocker.

"You nervous?" He looked up at me.
    "More annoyed." I looked at him, as I put Chloe's bottle in her mouth.

"You?"

"Yeah." He stood up as Coltan began to cry.

"Let me get him." I handed over Chloe. "I haven't spent much time with him."

I walked into Coltan's room and scooped him up, he stopped crying, but not by much.

"What ever Caden todl you about me, It's a lie."

He looked up at me confused.

"I bet he told you I was come Crazy freak am I right?"

Coltan reached up and tried to grab my lip.

"That's what I thought."

I went down stairs and warmed up a bottle.

"OKay," Owen said, coming into the kitchen, with my lap top. "I did some recon."

"How did you even get inside?"

"The door was unlocked," He shurgged. "Anyways, I suguest you stuff yourself before we get to school becuase they're taking everyone who doesn't make wieght to the hospital to get a tube."

"Yikes." I siad, shoving a marshmellow into my mouth.

"Yeah, and paint your nails. They'll be looking at them."

"Yeah, yeah," I grabbed the bottle from the fridge. "Lack of nutrients. Got it."

 "Are you constipated?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you constipated?" Owen looked up at me. "Be honest."
    "Yeah." I looked down at Coltan.

"Side effect of your eating disorder."

"Really?"

He nodded, "Brittle nails?"

I split my middle finger nail, "Yeah.

"Is your hair falling out?"
I ran a hand over my pony tail, adn then looked at the clump of hair in my hand, "Yes, damn it."

"Side effects." He squinted at the screen. "If you take zinc caps and Biotin it helps with hair and nails. And if you eat iron rich food it helps with being constipated."
    "Why are you helping me cover up my eating disorder?"

"Do you want to graduate or not?"

"What foods have Iron in them."

He looked backa t the lap top screen and typed something.

"Let's see," He muttered. "Peas, beans."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah."

"Well?"
    "Pasta-"
    "Never mind."

"Didn't think so." He looked at the computer. "broccoli, Potato. But potates are bad right?"
     "Right."

"Prune, green peppers." He read off.

"Can you go get me some of those vitamins?"
    "Sure thing." He shut the lap top and left the kitchen.

A couple of seconds later I heard the front door open and close.

"Was that Owen?" Caden came in Chloe in toe.

"Yeah. He's heading to the store for me."

"What is he getting?"

"Why do you care?"

He just looked at me.
    "Vitaimns."

He pulled out his phone, and I got a sinking feeling.
    "What are you doing?
    "Calling him, "He put his phone to his ear. "I'm seeing if he can find any scar cream."

"What for?"
     "Why do you care?"
     "Becuase I love you."

"I love you too. Hey Owen, man pick up some cream. Thanks Bro." He hung up. "I think my scars are ugly."

"They're not." I shook my head. "They're beuatiful. They're untold stories. You shouldn't cover them up."

"Did you ever cover yours up?"

"Only with long sleeves."

"Well I'm not as strong as you are."

"Well you're just going to have to learn."

 

~Welcome home Sweet love!~

 The man at the meatal detector took my bag and set it through a belt machine.
     "Arms up, spread your legs."

I sighed, but listned.

The man ran a bar over me.
     "Clear."
     "Really?" I smiled. "Thanks."
     "Next." He waved Caden forward.

I got my Suitcase and headed into a Doctor's office. I changed into a paper gown, and set my clothes on my suitecase. A doctor came in.

"Hop on the scale please." Her oice was flat.

I Hopped off the bed and jumped on the scale.

"Turn around."
     "How much do I wiegh?"

"Turn around."
Bitch. I turned around and she messured my height.

"Sit on the bed."
I climbed back up. She gave me a normal check up, and then grabbed a pink bottle and a cotton ball from the cabniet. She poured something onto the ball adn walked over to me, holding out her hand.

"Are you serious?" I demanded.
    "Dead." She noded once.
I handed over my hand. She took the nail polish off my index finger, and then bent my nail. It bent, but didn't split. She gathered my hair in a pony tail and then looked at her hand after she pulled free. She actually counted the lose hairs, and then dumped them into the trash. She wrote on her clip board.

"Your free to go. Get dressed."
     "Thatss it?" I demanded. "Did I make wieght? Am I getting better? Am I dying?"
She gave me a stern look and left the room.

"Asshole." I muttered hopping down.

I changed grabbed my bag and headed down the hall.

"Charlie!"
I grinned. It wasn't the fact that Clara looked like she had gainned wieght, or her eyes looked alive, that caught my attrention, it was the fact that she was running down the hall at a speed no one with Anorexia could. She slammed into me and I droped my bag.

"Charlie!" She pulled back, her cheeks flush. "Guess what!"

She was dressed in black shorts, flip flops, and a pink tank top.

"What?" I questioned.
     "I'm fucking pregnant!"
     "What!" I yelled, and yanked her into a hug. "Oh my fucking God!"

"I know!" She pulled back. "Isn't it fucking great!"

"Yeah- Who's the Dad?"

She stopped being excited, and made a face.
    "Who?" I demanded.
    "Owen."

"What!"

"Yeah." She looked at me. "Is that wiered?"

"No, it's great!" I pulled her in for a hug, and then backed up touching her stomach. "Hi Baby! I'm Auntie-"
    "Charlie! Clara!"
We turned and looked down the hall. Ayelie broke out into a run, and slamemd into us.
    "What's up btiches?" She grinend.
    "Clara's Pregnant!" I announced.
    "What!" Ayelie grinned, and pulled Clara in for another hug, "You fucking Slut!"
    "I know!" Clara laughed.

"Have you guys seen Alex?" I asked.
     "He's in the lounge," Aylie touched Clara's stomach. "Hi, Baby!"

I dropped my bag off at my room and headed to the lounge.

"Now," Alex said to the group of people who sat on the floor in front of him. "The object of the game is to hit twenty-one." He handed out cards.
   "Hey Alex."
Alex looked up, "Charlie!" He dropped the deck, and jumped up, "Hey!"
    "Hey!" I grinned and pulled him in for a hug. "How are you?"

And I suddenly felt something. Something that I hadn't felt in so long. Alex was warm.

"Good, how are you?"
     "Good, I pulled back nodding. "Clara's pregnant."
     "I know," He grinned, "It's great. I'm so happy for her. She really deserves it."

"Have you seen Ryder yet?"
     "No." He shook his head. "No one has been able to find him."

"Alex!"

"What's up bro!" Alex hugged Owen.

I left the lounge, past the food hall and into the garden. Ryder was standing in front of the stones. Melted through candels closed them in. I steped on a stick, and Ryder turned to look at me.
    "Oh no you don't!" He said, crossing an arm over his ribs, and holding the other one up to stop me. "This is a new hoody. You don't get it."

I stuck my lip out and He sighed. He unzipped it, and drapped it around my shoulders. He then grabbed my face and kissed me.

"God, I missed you." He looked over my face.

His hair was darker, his eye's weren't sunken in, and his cheeks where a bit red.

"I mean look at you!" He grinned, "Red cheeks, bright eyes. You're even more bueautiful."

"I love you."

"I love you too," He pulled me in for a hug.

I pulled back, and shoved my arms into the jacket, "Soft." I crossed my arms over my chest.
Ryder kept touching my face, like I wasn't real. A brush of a knuckle over my cheek, a hand moving from my jaw to my neck.
"My Mom got mad at me when I came home and didn't have a jacket. I explained that I gave them to you. She understood."
I looked down.
   "Don't do that," He liffted my face. "Don't look away from me, Please. What's the matter? What did I do?"

He looked worried. Really worried. His eyes where starting to give off too much emotion. He was Recovering. Clara Was Recovering. I was the only one with an eating disorder, that didn't get any where.

"Does she think I'm crazy?"

"Who?"

"Your Mom."
    "Of course she doesn't think your crazy." He laughed, "She'd have to think I was crazy."
    "Well," I took a step to him, "You are kind of crazy."
    "Really?"
    "Yeah."
    "I'll show you crazy."

I thought he was going to spin me around or kiss me, but instead he took a step back from me. I reached for him, but he took another step back. I began to panic. My throat began to seal up, my heart felt like someone had grabbed it in a choke hold, my lungs began to burn, a wave of heat crawled up my spine. I didn't want to be away from Ryder. And that's the first time I felt it. The first time I knew I was really in love with Ryder. The first time I knew That I would do anything for him. I would die in his place becuase a life without him was just not a vison I could see. I tried to reach for him again, but He was already bending down on his knee. Oh, Tying his shoe, right. I clammed down. I though he was trying to ditch me. He dug into his jean pocket and pulled something out. He held his fist up to me, and then opened it. On his Palm was a ring, with all kinds of diamonds.

"You are crazy." I took a step back.

He grabbed my hand so I couldn't leave.

"Time is running out. I need to know that you'll always be around. That you'll always be mine. I'll give you everything you want. I'll take a bullet for you if you ever asked. I know you better then anyone you think does. I can hear your thoughts.

I can see how nervous you are. I know you feel like slapping me for just not slipping the ring on your finger without you knowing. I know you love me. I can see it when you look at me. When I hurt you, I feel Like I've just died. Like I went through self-harm, and Anorexia all over agin. And if I feel like that, How do you feel?

I'm supposed to be your partner, the one you can trust all the time, and when I let you down, I can litteraly hear another peice of your heart breaking. So, let me make it up to you. We can fight together, and push each other to get better. We can have our own family and warn them about the signs. We can try and grow old togehter. I mean how cool would it be to get over an eating disorder and self-Harm? And how cool would it be to get over it together?

If we stick together when we're sick, and we're still together when we're healthy, think about how bad ass we'd be!"
I laughed, wiping a tear off my cheek.
      "No one would be able to tell us no Charlie. We already went through shitty stuff, so we're set to go. We can do anything together. We can get a house, and a dog if you want."
       "A dog?" I questioned. "Really?"

We both hear a high pitched sream and looked over. Clara nad Ayelie where smacking the shit out of each other, jumping up and down.
   "What are you doing!" Ayelie yelled, "Idiot!"

"Say yes!" Clara yelled, "Come on! Hurry up! His knee is boney you know!"

"Yes," I nodded. "I"ll marry you some day."

Clara and Ayelie sreamed louder, jumped quicker, as Ryder slipped the ring on my finger.

Perfect fit.

~Good Luck, Princess~

 Getting better isn't easy. It's hard as hell, but apparently I"m doing it just fine. Well according to My Doctors. But I don't feel any different. I mean the dizzy spells are gone, my cheeks have collor, and my eyes aren't glazed over. So that has to be some kind of a start right? I don't know what it's like to recover, becuase I haven't ever tried.

Clara's baby is kicking ass, and the Doctor's don't know why the baby is even growing. Caden and Owen have just about settled their differences and are really good friends. Ryder is starting to fill out, but with muscle. Lucky me! Alex has taught half of the school to play poker, and Hasn't had a single melt down. Other kids sarted to come over to our group after school and ask for advice on how to get better. I didn't know what to tell them, so I just let words spill out of my mouth, and they listened closely.

I really liked how they listened. It was as if I could actually help someone who was going through the exact same thing as I was, and I was starting to heal. I was starting to listen to other peoples stories, I was starting to tell my own. I was starting to ask for help. I was taking advice. It was starting to work. We're all getting better. Together.

And at this rate We'll all be able to graduate together. So watch out world, here comes a couple of kids with scars on their arms.

And We're comin' in hot.

~Meet the CK's~

 

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 07.12.2014

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"Welcome to the suicide wing," A seductive Female voice said from behind a cracked door. "Where all your nightmares come true."