It was 6:30 in the morning, and my sisters where using my bathroom to get ready. As they talk much louder than they need too, I flipped up my hood and put in my ear phones. I closed my eyes and drifted.
"hey." My mom said, touching my arm.
I shot up and looked at her. I could be in the deepest sleep but the lightest touch can wake me up.
"I'm going to Carson's."
I gave her a thumbs up, an put my head phones back in.
"Come with me."
"No." i said, rolling over.
"I'll get you food."
Food?
"Damn it!" I said, flipping the covers off.
I put some sun glasses on and followed her out to the car. She turned up some song I never heard. Kill me now? I flipped my hood up and rested my head on the window.
"What do you want?" she asked, tapping my shoulder.
"The whole menu." i said, sitting up.
"come on." She laughed.
"Get me a chicken sandwich and some curly fries."
She ordered, and got me a Dr. Pepper. It was annoying that she new me so well, that way, but didn't have a clue as too what was gong on in the inside.
Carson was playing Mat's guitar. Even though He's 30, he acts 16. I mean come on.
"Hey." he said, looking up at my Mom.
"Hey." She said, bending to kiss him.
I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, can I have my food please?" i asked, taking the bag.
I sat on the love seat.
"I promised her food if she came with me."
He laughed. I glared at him over my glasses. What's so funny?
"So my Mom came by." he said.
I put the bag aside, Ooooh this should be good.
"And?" Mom asked, irritated, blowing smoke from the corner of her mouth.
I shoved in a curly fry, ready for the show.
"She moved out all her stuff, so I guess Ashlynn will have her own room when she moves in."
"I don't think she really wants to move in."
What kind of show is this? Disappointed i sat back, and took a drink of my soda.
"Knock Knock."
"Yeah, come in bro!" Carson called.
His cousin came in.
"Hey Scott." Mom said.
"Oh hey Malaina." He said sitting down.
"Oooh can I have some?" I asked.
"Are you allowed?" Scott smirked.
"Come on!" I begged. "It's seven in the morning."
He smiled and gave me his Four Loko and lit a cigaret.
They began to talk about random stuff.
"Can i have it back Andy?"
"Huh?" i asked looking up.
Scott held out his hand and i gave it back to him.
"Don't you have school or something?" he asked, taking a drink.
"Ha ha." I said, lying down.
"So, I was talking to Josh." Carson said.
I sat up, ready for a real show.
"I don't like him so i could give two shits about him." mom said.
"Ooooh." Scott said. he looked over at Carson, "Oh," he said, looking down.
"Can you let me finish?"
"I don't care about him." Mom said, taking a drag.
"Well his friends cousin is here, and he needs a place to stay I was thinking of letting him stay here, He's trying to get his music going, and I thought i could help him out."
"how's he supposed to get his music going in this small ass town?" Scott asked, pointing to the table.
"Right?" i asked, handing Scott an ash tray.
"Well, I think it's okay for him to stay, cause it's my house."
"Okay babe." Mom said, as he began to cross his arms.
Dude...come on.
Scott gave me his drink and I took it.
"I'm coming in!"
"yeah come on." Carson said.
"Hey Andy." Carson's other cousin said, sitting next to me.
"Hey Vic, want a fry?"
She took a fry and popped it into her mouth.
"can I-"
"It's Scott's." I said.
"Oh okay." she shrugged, taking Scott's drink.
"Poor Scott, everyone uses him for his drink." Mom said.
"I know!" Scott said, taking it from Vic.
"At least you got a drink." I said.
"So He's coming tomorrow." Carson said.
Good for him. I ate another fry.
"So where's your husband?" Mom asked.
"Work." Vic said.
It amazed me that at 19 she was married. I mean, i'm 19, you don't see my ass getting on the married train any time soon. There was a knock on the door. Let me guess it's his other cousin? Carson got up and went to the door.
"Oh hey, I didn't think you where coming until tomorrow."
"Joe sent me here early, it's okay right?"
"Oh yeah, man, come on in."
Carson rounded the corner and then the kid did, and I almost choked on my soda.
It was Ricky Reed.
"This is Malaina, my Lady."
"Hi." Ricky waved.
"my cousins Vic and Scott."
He nodded.
"And My Daughter, Andy."
"Hi Andy." He smiled and waved.
"Hi Ricky." I said.
Everyone looked over at me.
"So, there's a room for you, but no bed, so your going to have to sleep on the couch." Carson said.
Ricky smiled, and then looked away from me.
"Joe has a bed in his truck, that he's tossing i can use that." Ricky said.
"Yeah sure. Scott?"
"I'm on it. Kill it Andy." Scott said, giving me his drink.
I threw my head back and finished it off.
They left.
"He seems sweet." Vic said.
****
Once they got everything in the room Vic and Scott left.
"Can I?"
"Go for it." I said.
Ricky sat next to me.
"baby, I'm hungry." Carson said.
Is she your girl friend or Mom?
"Hold down the fort I'll be back." Carson said, looking at me.
"I'm good."
"You sure?"
"Yep." I said, touching the middle of my bra where my ever present knife rested.
"We'll be back."
The door shut.
"I like your music." i said.
"You do?"
I nodded.
"Thanks, that means a lot to me."
"I know, you said music's your everything. I watch your videos."
"Do they help?"
"Yes. Your very inspirational Ricky Reed."
He smiled, "glad I could help."
"I find it easier to go on with out attachment."
He nodded. Ricky let go of attachment when his best friend Jacey killed herself. She made sure Ricky had nothing to remind him of her, then took her life.
"I gotta ask, what's up with the sun glasses?"
"Oh I don't have any eyes."
"oh." He said, shrugging.
"I'm just kidding."
"Oh." he laughed. "Why?"
"I'm sensitive to light." I said. "Uh-oh."
"What?"
"That drink is getting to me, I'm a little buzzed."
"Are you okay?"
"I liked to be buzzed, it helps get me away from all the bull shit in my life. That's probably why I sleep so much. you know to get away."
"What happened?"
"I don't talk about it."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Nope."
"Why?"
"cause I don't want one."
"how come?"
"For some reason, I'm going to tell you. But you can't tell anyone the things I tell, you, Okay, I'm a very closed off person Since Mat left."
"Mat?"
"My Little brother, I'll get to around to him. I'm scared of guys."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't like them to touch me. I don't like to be cuddled, I don't like to be Babied, I don't like to be touched." I shrugged
"Do you know why?"
"Yes." i said, leaning back in my seat.
"What is it?"
"Another secret."
"Another promise to keep it."
"I was abused by a guy."
"Who?"
"Doesn't matter he's dead."
"Oh. well maybe a boyfriend is what you need."
"No attachment." I shook my head.
He gave me a sad smile.
"What color are your eyes?" He asked, turning to face me.
I turned to, so we where face to face.
"Shit brown. Sorry, this is some good stuff Scott had."
"Can I see your eyes?"
I look off my sun glasses and looked up through my lashes.
"You have nice eyes."
"i hate my eyes." i said, putting the sun glasses back on.
"Your eyes are pretty."
"Your eyes look like flowers. Sorry, it's a song." i said, when his eye brows pulled together.
"Do you get along with your family?"
"no. Not what so ever, just Mat."
"Where's Mat?"
"Oh he moved with his girlfriend, who said she's pregnant with his baby, and it's been like three weeks and there's still no baby. She's a conniving bitch, sorry, that just wanted to get him away from us because we're the only ones he had, and she didn't like our bond, cause Mat would come to me for his problems and not her, cause I give the best advice around here. I don't even know you, and I'm telling you my life story feel free to tell me to shut up." I said, taking a drink of my soda.
"I like listening to you talk."
"Why, i have an ugly voice."
"Do you have confidence?"
"Would you if you where me?"
"I don't really know you."
"Shall I continue then?"
"Yes Please."
We both began to laugh. This is when they came back.
"Oh no, Andy found a best friend." Mom said.
I rolled my eyes and looked away from Ricky.
They all began to talk.
"So Ricky do you have a girlfriend back home?"
"No."
"Where did you come from?"
"Canada." He smiled.
"Oh." she said, eating her ice cream.
He looked over at me, and began to laugh.
"What?" i asked, smiling.
"Nothing, your just. you."
I was Mimicking the whole conversation.
I smiled and looked down.
"So your here for your music?"
"Yes. would you like to hear something?"
"Sure."
Ricky got up and got his guitar.
He played and sang. I sang along in my head.
"Do you know it?" He asked, Looking at me.
I nodded, face scrunched up. I knew what was coming next.
"Sing with me."
"Nuh-uh."
"Oh It's Jake."
"Tell him I love him and to get his ass home."
"Hey, your sister said, she loves you and get your ass back home.... Yeah Andy.... sure... here."
I took the phone.
"Hello?" i asked.
"Andy! Hey I miss you."
"I miss you too. if you never left we wouldn't be like this."
The sound of his laugh had me laughing to.
"So how you doing?"
"Not too Good."
I tucked my legs under me.
"Want to talk about it?"
"Not right now. I'm thinking of coming home so-"
"Shut up!" i yelled, a grin breaking my face."Do it. Then we can talk for hours."
"Your good at that." i could hear his smile.
"I'm here for you. You know that."
"I love you Andy."
"I love you too, kid."
"Let me talk to Dad, I gotta arrange some stuff."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine I promise."
"No feeling to jump off a building?"
"No. I'm good. Hopefully I'll see you soon."
"You better Asstard."
We both laughed. We said good-bye and I gave the phone back to Carson. I looked over Ricky and he smiled.
"That's my boy right there."
"I can tell, you lit up, when you heard his voice. what did he say?"
"He loved me." I said, smiling like a retard.
"You seem Lovable."
"I'm not." I shook my head.
"I think you are. You know a way to get over your fears?"
"What?"
"Face them." he put his arm around me, and pulled me onto his shoulder.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I feel safe with you."
"Good."
They went to the car to smoke.
"You asked, Jake if he felt the need to jump off the building. why?"
"He uh. He tried to kill himself once, I had to talk him out of it. he wasn't listening to anyone else."
"Why'd he want to do it?"
"Jake's fighting inner monsters. He was confused. Our brother Conner was mad at him. he said, he couldn't take it and he wanted to to kill himself. I died a little for him that day. I wanted to hold him, but i was far away."
"How'd you do it?"
"Told him it's not worth it, told him I loved him, and i needed him, and that Conner needed to cool off."
"Must of been hard."
"Talking your sibling out of their death is the hardest thing I have had to Indore. it always will be. there's no worse pain than when your sibling says, I love you, but I'm going to take my life. nothings worse."
"Yep. Death sucks." he said, tightening his grip on my arm.
"I know we both sworn off on attachment. but it seems where both pretty messed up, so why don't we try to be friends?"
"Yeah. No way am I letting you go."
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For what you just said." I looked up at him. "It means more to me then you'll ever know."
"Your welcome." he smiled.
My Mom sat down.
"Jake's coming back."
"he is? When? How?"
"I don't know yet but Carson will pick him up. you Know how Jake is."
"yeah." i said, sitting back against Ricky.
Jake always says he's coming home, and I always get excited only he never comes home.
"Why'd you come back in?"
"Oh Carson's talking to his Mommy." She said flicking her smoke.
"If your going to stay here Ricky, you have to be brought up to speed." she said, then launching into the story.
Moral of the story is His Mom and Josh think my mom's weird do they don't like her, and Mom isn't fake, well most of the time. Unlike me, if I don't like you you'll know. Except for Alice, Jake's girlfriend, I'm nice to her cause, I love Jake. Ricky, listened intently, playing with a strand of my hair. I kindly stopped him.
"Sorry." he smiled, looking back to my Mom.
****
"So what do you like to do?" he asked, as we sat on the porch swing that sits two.
Mom went to pick up the kids from school. Ricky swung us softly, with his abnormally long legs.
"I like to write."
"What?"
"Books, songs, you know the works."
"Can i hear something?"
"I don't know."
The van pulled up, and my sister got out.
"Hey bitch!" She called.
"Hey kid." i waved.
She got on the porch and sat on my lap, putting her legs on Ricky's lap. she texted her friend.
"oh I'm Blake by the way." she said, laughing.
Ricky smiled, and shook his head.
"So the dip shit, tried to start stuff again." Blake said looking back at me.
"You need new friends." i said, smoothing her hair.
"What?" Blake yelled.
"Nothing!" mom called.
"I know you bitches have food!" Blake said, jumping up, off the high porch and running to the car.
My other sister hid the bag of chips.
"Don't be a little dick, Ashlynn." Blake said trying to get some.
"Give her some." I said.
At my side Ricky smiled.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said, looking at me.
He reached over and pushed my sun glasses up onto my head, and looked into my eyes. I smiled, and looked down.
Trent got out of the car, and went to get some chips.
"Get in the car, we're going to the park." mom called.
"Come with me." Ricky said, getting up.
I followed him, into his room. As he moved around he mumbled to himself.
"This for you." He said, picking up a jacket and then handing it to me.
"Are you a clean freak?" I asked, Putting my arm's through the jacket.
"Give me a week." he said.
I zipped up the jacket.
"Can you hold these?" he muttered.
I took his guitar case, and his camera. He put on a jacket and some converse. He took the guitar case.
"I got this one." I said, as he reached for the camera.
We got into the Middle seat of the van and drove to the park.
"This is good." he said, sitting at the base of a tree.
He took his guitar out.
"Can you hold a camera straight?" He asked, not mean.
"I record my cousin all the time." I said, turning on the camera. "When your ready." I nodded.
"Go ahead."
I turned it on and Nodded.
"Hey guys, Ricky Reed here, and I just finished a song, and I'd like to sing it I-" he paused and looked up at me from the camera.
"Continue." I said.
He smiled, "It's called Love for them. I hope you like it, if not that's cool, comment, subscribe, like, share with your friends, and have a awesome day."
I turned it off.
"Okay, just turn it back on, and then-"
"I know Ricky." I said.
He smiled.
"Now."
He performed the song.
"Thanks for watching. And uh, I hope everyone's okay today. Bye." he waved.
I Turned it off. As he put his guitar in the case, I rewind the tape. He sat on his knees, so we where identical. I played the tape.
"Is it good, or...."
"It's good thanks, Andy." He said, taking the camera.
"can I ask you a question?"
"Yep." I said, sitting cross legged.
"will you answer it with the truth?"
"I don't lie."
"Who abused you?" He asked.
He ran a hand through his hair and i flinched away.
"I'm sorry. I won't hurt you."
"Old habit. And Since I don't lie, I'll answer it another time. Okay?"
"Okay Tell me something else then." he said.
"I don't like to have my feet in socks, or under the blanket, in case I have to run. I don't like my hands, confined for too long in case I have to protect my self. I'm not too keen on scarfs I feel Choked. I don't like it when people play with my hair, it makes me feel like a little kid. I hate it when people don't believe me. Is that good?"
"Yes," he smiled, putting my sun glasses on my head.
******
"There she is!" Vic said, throwing her arms around me, smelling of Vodka.
"Here I am." I said, walking into the kitchen.
"Here." Scott said, handing me a shot.
I downed it.
"Here." Mom said, holding out a bottle of soda.
"What?"
"Chaser."
"I'm good."
"Your just like your brother."
I smiled, Jake taught me well.
"Here, you got a lot to catch up on kid." Scott said, giving me another one.
I drowned it and held out the glass. I shook my head when he tried to take it.
"More, Please." I said, wiping my mouth.
"Got anything else?" I asked, giving him the empty shot glass.
"Mud slide?" Vic offered.
"Fuck yes." I said, taking it.
"Hold it." Scott said, pouring some vodka into it.
"Oh don't do that!" Mom said.
I smiled, at her a chugged the large glass.
"Gross!" Mom said.
"Adda girl!" Scott said, holding up his hand.
I high fived him, and drank the shot Vic handed me.
"Stop trying to get my daughter drunk," Mom said.
"She likes it, head back Andy trust me." Scott said.
I put my head back and he poured some Jack Daniels into my mouth.
"Oooh I like that." I said, taking the bottle and chugging it.
"Share the love!" Vic said taking the bottle.
She laughed as i jumped back so what she made spill wouldn't get my shirt.
"Alcohol abuse!" Everyone in the kitchen yelled, pointing at her.
She took a swig from the bottle.
"You feeling it yet?" Scott asked.
"Nope." i said, pouring myself another shot.
"I have never met any girl who can down more than Andy." Carson said, taking a drink of his beer.
"I'll take that as a complement. Cheers." I said, hitting Scott's glass.
At the same time we tossed it back.
"Okay, take a break Andy, you'll regret it in the morning."
"Eh, I'll live."
"Break. Now. and drink some of this."
"Are you trying to kill my buzz, that won't hurry up?" i asked, taking a drink of the 7Up.
When she turned her back, Scott gave me a shot. I took it and gave him back the glass.
"Can I have a screw driver?"
"no." mom said.
"Please Mommy!"
"I said no." She said, going into Carson's room with him.
"I said, no." I said, pouring orange juice into a tall cup.
"Can I have that?"
"I think you should slow down." Scott said.,
"oh just give it to me." I said, taking the bottle.
I took a drink.
"Gah." i said, sticking my tongue out.
"Too much?" Vic asked.
"Not enough." i said, pouring more in.
"Whoa, Andy watch it, there's supposed to be more orange juice than vodka." Scott said, taking the bottle.
"It'll do." i said, taking a drink.
Once I Drank it all, it hit me hard. I sat out side on the porch welcoming the cool air. The door opened and Ricky came out in black Pj bottoms and A white T-shirt.
"Your drunk." he said, sounding defeated.
"yeah. I feel good." I said lying back.
"What about tomorrow?"
"Not now Ricky." I said, waving at him.
"Your going to pass out." Her said, bending down.
"Don't." I begged, as he trying to help me up.
He sat on his knees by my head.
"You said, to get over my fear I have to face it."
"Yes."
"K kiss me."
"I didn't mean with me, I meant with a boyfriend."
"But I feel safe with you, Ricky Please-"
He pressed his lips to mine, and then everything went dark.
*******
When I woke up i was fully clothed still wearing my Toms. I looked around. Ricky's room. I let my head fall onto the pillow and let out something between a cry for help and a deep breath. I kicked off my shoes. I got up and went out to the living room.
"Andy!"
"Jake!" i yelled, running into his open arms.
He hugged me tight. When we pulled apart I saw Alice sitting on the recliner. Oh come on Jake!
"Hey Andy!"
"hi." i hugged her.
I looked around and saw Ricky sitting in the middle of the Love seat. Before I took a step he already was picking up the blanket. I sat down, and he pulled my legs onto his lap. He covered us with the blanket, making sure My hands and feet where free.
"I really hate being nice to someone I want to throw a brick at."
Ricky laughed and Kissed My head.
"Aw! That's so cute!" Alice said.
"They're not dating." Mom said.
"What? Andy come on you never have a boyfriend."
"Cause I don't want one."
"Do you love Ricky?" Mom asked.
"It's there." I said.
"Where's there?" Alice asked.
"Where ever love comes from."
"Love come's from the heart." Mom said.
"No it doesn't. I mean think about it. When someone leaves, it's not just your heart that hurts. It's your mind and Soul too, so love has to come from some where with in."
"And that's why I go to her, for help."
I smiled, back at Jake.
"What about you Ricky?"
"I love her." He said.
"See! Aw!" Alice, said, looking at my Mom.
I Played with one of his rings.
"It would be so cute if they dated, we could all go on a couples night." Alice said.
"Hold your hand up."
Ricky put his hand up, and i put my palm to his.
"You have big hands." I said.
He laughed, and folded his fingers down. This isn't right. My fingers folded down, so we where holding hands. No, fingers what are you doing!
"No dating." I said, cutting Alice off mid rant. "We're friends."
"Friends don't hold hands." She said, sounding smug.
"Yes they do." Jake, Ricky and I said at the same time.
"Who's hands where you holding?" She demanded.
"Oh come on." i said, making her shut up.
I can only hold my tongue for so long.
"How long are you staying?" I asked.
"Can we talk outside?" Jake asked.
"Let's go." I said, flipping the covers off and going out side.
"Okay, first I need another hug." He said, reaching for me, making me fall against him.
We sat down on the swing.
"I'm not going back. I just needed a plan to get down here."
"What about Alice?" i asked, happy I had my brother back.
"I don't know. she hurt me pretty bad with this baby thing."
"Don't you wish that you could rip out your heart and ring out all the pain sometimes?"
"Wouldn't that be nice." he laughed, without humor, and ran a hand through his hair.
"You should just tell her."
"Honesty's the best policy."
"no, distraction is, and why do you look like i gave you an idea, that will some how come back to haunt me?"
"I'll tell her the night before we go home."
"Or maybe you should just load up all of her shit and tell her your not going home?" I watched him light a smoke. "She'd have to go home, or make her parents mad, so they'd probably make her go home."
He looked at me and we smiled.
"Decisions decisions." We said.
We laughed, and Jake pulled me into yet another hug.
"I'm lucky to have you kid." He said, hugging me tightly.
"Yes. yes, you are."
We laughed, And he choked.
"Are you okay?" i laughed.
"Stop laughing, your asthma will pick up." He laughed. "See!" He continued to laugh as i choked.
"Stop laughing!" i laughed harder.
"I can't your face is red!"
"Look at yours!"
Alice came out and our laughs died.
"um. Mom wanted to know if you where hungry." She said, twirling her hands.
"Hungry?" Jake asked me.
I nodded.
"Yeah, we could go for some food."
She opened her mouth.
"I'm talking to my sister, so whatever you have to say can wait, don't mean to be a dick, that's not it, just haven't seen Andy in a while cause of you."
Jake turned back to me.
"So." he said.
Alice closed her mouth and went inside.
"That wasn't nice."
"What! you don't even like her!" he said, with a smile.
I laughed, "She's gonna be your wife."
"Not any more."
I stopped.
"That bad?" i whispered.
"Whatever your thinking worse."
"Damn."
"I'm done, big sister."
"I'm here, little brother." I said, squeezing his hand.
He held onto it tightly.
"I'm taking Alice." Mom said, going to the van with Alice and Carson.
they drove away.
"Shit! I learned some stuff I can't believe I didn't tell you!" He said giving me his smoke.
We jumped up and went inside. He picked up his guitar and turned on the amp, and began to play. I smiled. This is what I've missed the most. Our music. Him playing, me singing.
I flicked the smoke.
"Oh remember this?" He laughed.
"Yes."
"Sing with me?" he asked.
"Always."
He cleared his throat. I loved his voice.
"Roberts got a quick hand," i laughed as he made a quick movement with his hand. "He'll look around the room, he won't tell you his plans." He got up and came to me.
"You smoke?" Ricky asked.
"No!" I said, appalled shoving the smoke into Jake's hand.
"You have a lovely voice."
"Thanks." i said, looking down.
"Doesn't she? I told her a million times to go on american idol." Jake said.
I smiled at him, "I'm not that good."
He returned my smile and took a drag.
"I learned some while you where gone."
"You did?" Mat smiled.
"Yeah, just cords."
"that's a start. I can teach you more."
"Trent taught me what you taught him, from come as you are."
He put his smoke in his mouth and turned on the amp.
"Show me." He said, putting the strap around me.
I played.
"Shit you can play!" He smiled proudly.
"Damn Skippy." I nodded, giving him a high five.
they came back with the food. I ate with Ricky in his room.
"Do you remember last night?" he asked.
"yes." i said, not making eye contact.
"You where pretty wasted."
"I know."
"Do you always get like that?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Cause i need to get away."
"From what?"
"from me."
"tell me more."
"I don't believe in true love, I've never seen a good relationship. I flinch when someone calls me by my first name, cause i think he's coming back from the dead to hit me. He leaned on me too much, i was too little. Crying was weakness in his eyes. I don't cry. the lightest touch will wake me up cause i wouldn't sleep and he beat me, so I wake up to protect myself. I don't really believe in second chances. If i care about someone that means they can get in and hurt me."
I took a drink.
"What's your name.
"Analise." i said, the name, burning my throat.
"Analise?"
My chest tightened, my head snapped up to him and I crawled away from him.
"Andy, I didn't-"
"Please don't touch me." I whisper-begged. "I'm okay." I nodded.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay, you didn't know."
"I knew something was going to happen though." He grabbed my hand.
"I'm okay, Please don't push this." i said, taking my hand back.
Jake came in.
"I'm eating in here."
"What happened?" i asked, as he sat down next to me.
"Mom's on Alice's side, Sit." he said, before i could get up.
I left the room.
"Andy." They called getting up.
"Your on her side? He's your son!" i turned on Alice. "You taint everyone. Your a conniving bitch, and i'd like to so beat the shit out of you right now!"
Ricky and Mat grabbed my arms.
"He loves you, and you just keep playing with his emotions. When he wanted to die, you where another reason. He has big problems, and you keep fucking with him."
They tightened their grip on my arms.
"Andy-"
" Oh I'm far from finished." i cut Mom off " I don't really like you, but I liked you for him. I knew something was off but I wasn't going to say anything."
"thank you for being honest-"
"Whatever Alice." i said, turning around, making them lose their hold on me.
I sat on the bed and picked up my food.
"I'm fine." I said.
Ricky closed the door, and Jake sat back down.
"So I'm guessing you told them?"
"Yeah. Mom said, I should go back."
I put my food down.
"You gotta be strong Jake. Remember what I told you? You gotta do what you think is right for you fuck everyone else. If your not happy, then that's no way to live."
"I remember."
"And?"
"I'm not going back."
"Good." i sagged with relief
I didn't want to lose him again.
*****
Once in my room I shut my door and took a deep breath. I looked for my book, and couldn't find it. I began to freak my secrets are in there. Ashlynn's secrets, and Trent's and Blake's. i began to tear my room apart. i picked up a shirt, and blew out some air. I picked up my book and hugged it to my chest. I put on some Music and turned to a clean page.
My head's a prison but you set me free. I don't know where to begin, I guess I'll start with thanks. I told you some secrets and You made me feel safe. This is the way real love should be.
I stopped. Did I love Ricky? sure I did but in love? I don't think so. I shook my head and closed my book. I played, stay away from my friends and closed my eyes.
"Andy? come smoke with me!" mom called.
I rolled my eyes with a smile.
"What happened?"
The middle and the back seat where taken out of the van. I sat on the back seat in the midle.
"Oh Carson's coming by to do a dump run."
As on Que Carson pulled up. Ricky got out all smiles. I smiled at his happy mood. he sat next to me and put his arm on the back of the chair.
"Hi." i said, looking back a him.
"Hey." he smiled, again.
My ex-best friends Mom pulled up.
"Oh No." I muttered, sitting back in the seat.
Beside me Ricky's eye brows pulled together.
"Oh hey, your friends over there." Mom said.
I heard the door open and close.
My Mom and my old best friend want me to get together with her brother. Uh...No?
"Hey Andy." He smiled, sitting on the middle seat.
"Hey Jordan." i said.
A silence fell. Ricky put his arm around me, and i leaned against him. This was normal. this was what i was now used to.
"I'm Ricky. The boyfriend." He said, kissing my temple.
I looked up at him and smirked, his eyes shined with amusement.
"Oh well, you got your self a good girl, Ricky." Jordan said.
"Yep, I'm one lucky son of a Bitch."
I looked up when he cussed. Ricky took my chin, tipped my head back and kissed me sweetly.
"So Andy. What are you up to?" Jordan asked.
"Cuddling with Ricky." I said, smiling up at him.
Ricky smiled, and put a lock of hair behind my hair.
"Trent, go get your sister's we're going to the park, for a barbecue."
"Sure thing Mom." he said going back inside.
I pulled my hair to one side, and Ricky reached over and grabbed a lock. He looked intently into my eyes.
"I love your hair curly, Ana."
"Ana?" I asked, eye brows raised.
"My special Nick-name." he smiled, a lop sided grin.
I took in a breath. that smile.
"Don't tell anyone, I let you call me that."
She smiled and kissed me softly.
"Enough of that kissing stuff, get up so we can get the seats in the van." Mom smiled.
I stood up. Ricky grabbed my hand and spun me around. I couldn't help but smile. He pulled me too him, and stared down at me.
"Don't look at me with those eyes." I said, reaching up to touch his face.
He smiled, and held my hand, and pushed his cheek into it.
"Why not?"
"Cause I feel like you can see into my soul."
"Maybe I can."
"You can't."
"You seem so sure." He kissed me. "Why?"
"Cause you're not running away screaming."
"I'm not going anywhere." He said, rubbing his nose against mine.
He pulled back. "I like Kissing you."
"Don't get used to it friend." i smiled.
"Friend?"
"Yep." i laughed.
"I show you friend."
He let me go and tickled me.
"Ricky!" i laughed.
He threw his head back and laughed.
"I'm glad you find me amusing."
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his forehead to mine.
"I find you special, and I'm not just saying that cause of him." He jerked his head, a little in the direction of Jordan.
"Enough with the kissing!" Mom said.
I turned away from Ricky to face her.
"I thought you'd be happy to see me all love-y dove-y."
"Ricky I need your help Bro." Carson said.
"Sure thing B." Ricky kissed my shoulder twice and went to help him.
"Get in the car you little shit." Mom laughed.
I laughed and walked to the car. She new what I was doing.
"I really shouldn't of worn heels." i muttered trying to find a way, to step into the van without falling flat on my ass.
"I'll help." Jordan said taking my elbow.
I spun to him, my breath catching in my throat.
"I'll take it from here." Ricky said.
The caring boyfriend role.... hmm. I bit my lip at the look Ricky gave Jordan. Ricky looked back at me, took my face in his hands and kissed me, shoving his tongue into my mouth. I melted.
"We cool?" Ricky asked, putting his arm around me.
"Where good." Jordan muttered going to his mom's car.
Ricky helped me get into the car.
"Nice acting."
"I wasn't acting." he said, looking into my eyes.
Shit. I looked away and out the window.
****
While Mom started the fire, Ricky went to the bathrooms with Trent, Blake, and Ashlynn.
I watched the sparks, light. I loved fires. It reminded me of better times with my Dad. I smiled, Blake could barely walk back then.
"Boo!" Ricky said, wrapping his arms around my waist.
I laughed and turned to face him.
"Friend." He said, holding up a purple flower with a yellow center.
"You picked me a flower?" I asked, cocking my head.
"I had to. When I saw it, it reminded me of you."
I smiled, all love-y dove-y and took the flower smelling it. I looked up at him, he was watching me.
"It's perfect."
"Cause it reminded me of you."
"I'm far from perfect." i scoffed.
"Where's that Jordan dude, anyway?"
"There." i said, pointing with my chin to the parking lot.
"I think He doesn't get it."
"Get what?" i asked, smoothing the flower.
"that your my girlfriend."
"I'm your pretend girlfriend."
"Pretend or no pretend, he should back off."
"Aw Ricky are you j-"
"I don't want you with him. Simple as that."
I smiled, and stood on my tip toes so i could kiss his jaw.
*****
"What's your favorite band?"
"That's a list."
We where lying on his bed in the dark looking at the glow in the dark stars on his roof.
He got paper and a pen from his side table and turned on the lamp.
"Okay."
"Your going to right it down?"
"Yes. I know your Music is important to you."
"Okay. Pierce the veil."
"Give me some songs."
"uh. Bullet proof love, stay away from my friends, king for a day, and Disasterology."
"next?"
"Mayday parade. Terrible things, with out the bitter the sweet wouldn't be as sweet, miserable at best, Bruised and scared, save your heart, and anywhere but here."
"Okay?"
i gave him some more songs, and he turned the lamp off .
The door opened and Mom poked her head in.
"We're spending the night."
"I don't want to stay here, the couches smell like cat spray. where's Jake's?"
"At Kenny's."
"God."
Ricky moved his hand from behind his head and covered mine.
"You can sleep in my bed."
"Thanks. Is Jake coming back?"
"I think he's spending the night."
Oh Jake. My poor little baby brother.
"I don't get why he hangs out with someone who back stabs him every time he hangs out with him."
"He just wants friends."
"I get that Mom but you don't have to hear about it, I do." I said, using my hand like a gun to my head.
"Oh stop, be there for your brother, It's what big sisters do. Goodnight." She said, shutting the door.
"Are you tired?"
"Nope."
"Grab those pillows." He said, grabbing the Blanket.
I followed him outside.
He layed out the blanket, and then took the pillows. We lay down and looked at the stars. The only thing I love about where I live Is the stars.
"Shooting star." We said then laughed.
"You know my Mom thinks I'm gay?"
"No she doesn't."
"Does to even pulled me aside and said, Andy, I want to know that if you are gay, I will still love you."
"Are you gay?"
"No."
"Then why Does she think that?"
"Cause I've never had a boyfriend."
"I can help with that."
"Huh?"
"I like kissing you anyway."
"I don't know how to kiss."
"Could of fooled me."
"Fine. No attachment though."
"None."
"Okay. deal.
~*~
Mom was sitting in the car with Jake, Alice and my other friend Hayzle. I sat on Carson's large porch. For a trailer it was big. I didn't really like this trailer park, it made my skin crawl.
They lit up smokes and began to talk. Ricky came out of the back door.
"Ricky, this is Hayzle." Mom called.
Ricky shook her hand.
"Did you just wake up." Mom asked.
"Yeah." He smiled.
He walked over to me, and put his hands on the railing above me.
"Ready?"
"Yeah."
"Your fine." He said.
He bent his head and gave me two soft kisses, before slipping his tongue into my mouth, and kissing me slowly.
"Are Andy and Ricky dating?" Hayzle asked, as I put my fingers, in his belt loops.
"What makes you think that?" Mom asked.
"That."
"Whooo! Andy ow!" Alice called.
I laughed, breaking the kiss. I kissed him once.
"Are you two dating?" Alice asked.
We nodded.
"Shut up." Mom said.
"We are. I thought what the hell. I mean everyone is always saying it's fun to date." I shrugged.
"Your first boyfriend!" Mom said, excited.
"Mom." Jake said.
"What? She has her first boyfriend."
Ricky was standing between my legs.
"You guys make a cute couple too." She added.
"I knew she'd flip like this."
I said, as Ricky, ran his nose up adn down mine.
"Aw! You guys are so sweet! Why don't you do that to me?" Alice said, smacking Jake.
"We need to write this down. Hold on let me get my phone. I have to take a picture.
Jake came over.
"It's a fake thing huh?" He asked.
"You tell, you get cut." I said pulling down my shirt so he could see my knife clipped to my bra.
"I'm happy for you." He said, pulling me into a hug. "Your gonna owe me."
"Fine." I muttered.
"Okay Picture time!" Mom said.
"Mom, I look bad." I said.
Jake grabbed me, and held me against him. We did a rock on sign and stuck our tongues out.
"okay." Mom said.
I stood next to Ricky.
"Can you act like you love each other?"
Ricky put his arms around my shoulders, and I put mine around his waist.
"It's cute." Mom said.
"Let me see." I said, pushing up my sunglasses.
"Take another one, but kiss."
"Mom." I said.
"Come on." She said.
"Fine." I said.
I reached up and Kissed Ricky.
"It's cute. Aw! Look!" Mom said, showing Alice.
"Aw, Andy's first boyfriend. Are we cool?" She said.
I looked over at Jake, who nodded. my shoulders sagged.
"We're good."
"Yay!" She said, throwing her arms around me.
I pretended to hit her, then rapped my arms around her. Jake smiled, and looked down.
"Okay you two know." Mom said.
I tossed up a peace sign and called it a day.
"Now we van go on couple dates how fun would that be?"
"I don't go on dates." Me and Jake said, high fiving each other.
"Well maybe Ricky wants to go." Alice said.
"It could be fun Beautiful."
"aw!" Mom and Alice said.
"I don't know." i said.
"Well think It over." Alice said.
Ricky followed me inside.
"I never said dates."
"You want to make it look real?"
"I guess."
"Hey, were going to Del taco, what do you want?" Jake called.
"Get me what your getting." I called.
"Me too." Ricky called.
We sat on the couch. Reruns of I love Lucy played. It was went Lucy was having a baby, adn they were out dancing.
"Can you dance?" I asked.
"You wanna learn?"
"You want flat feet?"
He laughed, "Come on Ana I'll teach you."
He pulled me up and over to the middle of the living room.
"Sorry." I said, looking down.
"Don't look down."
"Then I'm gonna step on your feet."
"Just feel the music."
"Feel it." I nodded.
He spun me around.
"See It's not so bad."
I was quiet as I went forward, I didn't want to step on him. He went forward.
"I did it!" I beamed.
He laughed, and spun me around.
"So now that I taught you to dance, you owe me."
"What?" I asked.
"One couple date."
"Gah! One."
"Cool." He smiled, pulling me closer. "Can I tell you something?" He asked.
"Sorry forgot my wallet." Mom said, grabbing it.
"Goodbye Mom." I said.
"Right." She said, leaving.
"Yeah."
"I forgot." He said.
"No you didn't tell me."
"Who ever get's you is going to be lucky."
"Cursed." I scoffed.
"Blessed." He said, spinning me out and then back in.
He kissed my forehead as the song ended.
"Can I tell you something?" i asked.
He still held onto me.
"What?"
"Your pretty awesome for a guy."
"Thanks." he smiled.
"Can I ask for something?"
"Anything."
"Please don't fall for Me." I said, shaking my head.
He stared into my eyes. His response was a soft kiss on the mouth.We ate out on the swing.
~*~
We pulled up to Jake's pizza. This was going to be the worst couples date ever. The pizza came and we dug in. Carson started to complain, Mom started to yell at him, And Alice began to fight with Jake. It made an easy get away for me. I sat on the curb. Ricky sat down next to me.
"Now do you know why, I didn't want to do this whole thing?"
"Yeah."
"Carson ruins everything. He complains and puts everyone on edge." I said.
"Ana? We can't do this anymore." Ricky said.
"Why not?"
"When you asked for me to not fall for you, you asked a little too late."
"Oh no!" I said, turning to him. "What did I do? I'm so sorry."
"You didn't do anything. It just happened. It's a little freaky. I like you, Ana."
He reached out and touched my face.
"Give it a chance."
"I'm terrified." i told him.
"I know. So am I." He said.
He leaned in, and I met him half way.
"We're leaving. Now." Mom said.
we got up quickly and got into the car. We spent the night at Carson's.
"So I guess we're really dating?" He asked.
"I guess so." I whispered.
"It feels different."
"What?"
"Well, I feel different."
"Scary?"
"No. I feel happy. I got a good girl."
"I can be bad."
"Can you now?"
"Not really." I laughed.
He laughed with me.
"I love your laugh." He said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
The next morning Ricky opened his eyes as I sat up.
"Hi." I said.
"Hey." He said, sleepy.
I smiled.
"What?" He smiled back.
"Nothing."
"I had a dream about you." He said.
"You did?" i asked.
"You were dressed up like a vampire."
"I was?" I laughed.
"And you told me you loved me."
"I did?" I almost shrieked.
"You did."
"I have to pee." i said, getting up.
I sat on the couch next to Alice.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"Keep a secret?" I asked, turning to face her.
"In the vault." She said, turning to face me.
"I think Ricky hinted he loves me."
"Aw. How does it make you feel?"
"Make's me want to run into the woods and live out the rest of my days as a cave lady."
She laughed.
"Love can be scary." She nodded.
"I've never been more scared. okay, there was like twice, I've been more scared, but anyway."
"Do you love him too?"
"I don't know. He said, he fell for me."
"Uh-oh."
"uh-oh is right. Tell me what to do Alice."
"No one ever fell for me, that I didn't want to."
"Okay, I know what I'm going to do."
"What?"
"I'm going to be whinny, spoiled, mean, and gross."
"Not gonna work." Ricky said, walking down the hall way.
Our mouths popped open as we watched him walk down the hall way.
Me and Mom went to get something to eat. We met up with Jordan. He said there was a praty, and I should go. I told him I'd go. When I got home I did my hair, and got ready. Ricky and Carson came over. I tossed on some Pj bottom's A knit hat and a Robe. Ricky came in.
"So there's this party."
"Who's gonna be there?"
"A bunch of kids from my old high school. I don't even know If I want to go, But Vic wants to."
"I don't think you should go. Your not going."
"Your not my Dad."
"Trust me. I'm keeping you safe."
"Okay I won't go."
"Ricky, ride with me!" Carson called.
"I'll be back." He kissed my forehead.
As soon as Carson drove away, I took off my hat, and took off my robe. I took off My Pj pants revealing jeans. i grabbed my jacket and went outside. As soon as I closed the door My ride pulled up. I looked around, to see if anyone was watching me. I ran to the truck, and hopped in. Now that he said No I was really going to go.
"Where's the warden?"
"Out of the office." I smiled, putting on my seat belt.
"Ready to have some fun?" Jordan asked.
"Yep." i said, returning his high five.
*****
After a couple of drinks I lost Jordan and It was getting late.
"Hey!" Vic said.
"Thank god. I need to use your phone."
She gave me her phone.
"Hello?"
"Mom? It's me. I'm with Vic, we're having car trouble."
"Thank god! where are you?"
"I don't know. Uh Scott's working on the car."
"Call me when you know."
"Will do"
"Is Scott here?"
"Yeah, we came together. Help me find him. I have to get home before you know who does." She said.
Once we found Scott we went out to the car.
"How are we going to get home? We've been drinking."
"I haven't."
"Really, Scott?" I asked.
"I didn't drink. I'm high though."
"So we'll just wait till I sober up. Get in the car you guys I'm not going to find you again."
I put them in the back seat. I told Mom it would be another hour, and we where fine. Vic and Scott passed out. I locked them in the car, and went back to the party. I grabbed a bottle of water and drank it.
*****
"Wake up. go inside." I said, once we where at Vic's trailer.
I Jumped out of the car and walked to Carson's. I picked up My pace as thunder boomed. I Shut the door quietly. I passed Trent, Ashlynn, Blake, Jake, And Alice, who where sleeping all over the place in the living room. I Knocked on Carson's door and went in.
"Hey I'm safe. I'm going to sleep."
"What time is it?" Mom mumbled.
"Five." i said, shutting the door.
I pushed open Ricky's door. He looked tired.
"Hey, sorry."
I took off my jacket and put it on his bed. He got up and pulled me into a hug.
"You went to that party?"
"Yes."
"You've been drinking?"
"Yes."
"Ana, I told you not to go."
"Your not my boss."
"I was trying to keep you safe."
"I went to have fun. why are you acting like this?"
"No wonder that guy beat the shit out of you. you never listen Analise!"
I took a step back.
"Ana." Ricky said, taking a step to me.
"I'll be okay." I grabbed my jacket and went to Carson's room.
"Can you take me home Please?" i asked, Mom.
"I'm Talking." She said, half asleep.
"Okay." i said going to the living room.
I put on my shoes.
"Fuck." I whispered wiping away a tear.
"Andy? Your crying! What's wrong? are you okay?" Alice whispered.
"I'm breathing."
I ran and pulled open the front door, and ran, from the trailer park not stopping until i was away from it. Rain soaked me to the bone.
"Andy!" Jake yelled.
I turned and he ran full speed to me. He came to a stop.
"Don't." I said.
"You stayed with me once when I was broken." He said, pulling me into him.
That was it. I wrapped my arms around my little brother and cried. After awhile Mom Pulled up.
"Andy-"
"Please take me home."
"Get in."
Jake went back to Carson's.
"Andy-"
"Don't Mom. Please." i said, putting up my hood and resting my head on the window.
As soon as we where at home i bolted from the car and ran to my room. I buried my face in my Pillow and sobbed, real body shaking sobs.
****
When I woke up i was damp. i changed my clothes and Mom walked in.
"Ricky wanted me to give this to you, You don't have to take it but-"
I took the paper from her and read it.
'When it's over I'll count back from ten, and you can listen to glass hearts shattering.'
"Oh hell no. he is not going to use one of my favorite bands against me, hold on Mom." i said, grabbing a pen.

'this isn't fair! No! don't you try to blame this on me, my love for you was bullet proof but your the one who shot me.'
"There. give him that." I smiled, smugly.
She came back with the paper.

'Girls make boys cry.'
I rolled my eyes.

'You can be the ghost in my hall, you can be the smile I don't want.'
she kept bringing me the paper.

'If it hurts this much then it must be love, I'm trying to get to you, but time isnt on my side.'

'My heart is out a sea, my head's all over the place, that night I slept on your side of the bed If truth is the worst thing I could do then I guess I have lied.'

'because these words where never easier for me to say or for her to second guess but i guess that i can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best. your all i hope to find in every single way.'

'You wanna make a change get out and go begin it, you say your really hurting at least your feeling something. Hello cold world.'

'I wonder what you think of me. It's no secret i know everybody knows i need you i need you I'm afraid to be alone I need you i need you. '

'You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid, when I'm at the edge of sorrows blade show me how a heart breaks.'

'i, want you forever, forever and always through the good and the bad and the ugly, we'll grow old together, forever and always.'

'Insure in her skin like a puppet a girl on a string, broke away, learned to fly, if you want her back gotta let her shine, so it looks like the jokes on you, cause the girl you thought you knew, she's so gone, that's all over now... she's so gone, you won't find her around, you can look but you wont see the girl i used to be cause she's... she's so gone.'

'It's cold so i cover myself with a blanket, but the weathers the same, and i hate this. I don't see anyway i could mean anything to you. save me, and tell me the way you could change things make me believe that I'm okay.'

'I don't mind being alone, don't look at me with those eyes. damn you stunned me like a deer in the head lights. I try and try, but i doubt that you'll ever be mine. you don't know, you don't know, I'm in love.'

'I don't know how you got into me, down my throat you made a home in my veins.
well hey you, I miss that smile, have you seen my heart Lately? maybe oh maybe, you've had it for awhile. Being with you is like livin' up in heaven, just know that i never want to lose you.'

'I know I've been holding it in, the way i feel about you, these three words I've been holding back, i'ma let them out, these three words gotta let you know here i go. G-G-Go screw yourself, I've had enough yeah, now we're done go screw yourself, not gonna lie, yeah it was fun, but go screw yourself.'

'If one drink could make tonight slip my mind i guess i should drink up.'

'we fell by the way side, and slowly watched ourselfs die. When the walls caved in we only have ourselfs to blame. you better grab ahold and hold on for your life, cause you don't get lucky twice. everybody has a reason why, if we could just get it right.'

'Oh you'll never disappear, until i give permission dear, I'm bruised and scared please save me from this broken heart? Ana, come on i thought we had a good damn thing.'

What was I going to say to that. Even though he hurt me I didn't want to hurt him. I crumpled the note and tossed it in the trash. I got into bed and hugged my pillow. My Mom left leaving me alone, and i began to cry.
****
"here, Ricky wanted me to give this to you, after he left." Mom said, holing a piece of paper.
"Left?" i asked, sitting up.
"He went back to Canada. Are you going to take it?"
I tore my gaze away from her to the paper.
"Do I want it?" I whispered.
"I didn't read it."
I took the paper and she left. He left. Do I really want this? I opened the note.

Ana.
Hi. By the time you get this I'll be well on my way to L.A. I don't want to leave you but If I don't do it now, I'll drive myself insane. I love you. A lot. I thought i could never love like this and It scared me. Maybe I'm running away I don't know, but I'll miss you. You taught me many things, we had a good damn thing going, until I opened my mouth. Well, just wanted to say this. Don't do anything stupid. Please.
Ricky.

He is so confusing. For the first time in three day's I smiled. He loves me, I'm scared shitless. I can't really blame him for running can i? i would do the same thing. Shit, my head hurts. I took some pills and went to sleep. When I woke up i was looking at the roof of a hospital. Jake was lying next to me.
"Wake up." i said.
He did.
"What where you thinking Huh?"
"What do you mean?"
"You OD'ed Andy."
"You can't OD on Advil."
"Christ Andy. you didn't take Advil."
"I didn't?" i asked.
"No. You took Mom's high pain killers. you took three. fucking three. You could of died!"
"Hey." i said, taking his hand.
"You have to be more careful, I don't want to lose you too."
"I'll be more careful Promise."
"Good."
"how's the damage?"
"Mom's Worried shit less."
"She always does. Can you tell her about my mistake? I'm not ready to face anyone."
"Yep, with out a doubt." He kissed my forehead.
I watched him go and fell back under.
"Come on, your head's hanging off the bed."
A hand with long fingers, put my head back on my pillow.
I turned in the bed.
"Hi, Ana."
"Ricky?"
"It's me."
"Go away." i said, turning away from him.
"Ana, we need to talk I miss you."
I closed my eyes.
"she is every where i go everyone I see.Walk away, I'm barely breathing as I lie on the floor, take my heart as your leaving, I don't need it anymore." he whispered.
"i can not escape the past, creeping up reminding me I can never bring you back. I want you In the most un-romantic way." I whispered back.
He took my hand that was resting on my side, and held onto it.
"Your tired." He kissed my hand. "We'll talk tomorrow."
"Hmm, 'k."
"Can I lay with you?"
"Ricky." I mumbled.
No way did I want to let him hold me. His shoes fell to the floor, and he stretched out beside me wrapping an arm around my rib cage.
"I thought you where in L.A."
"I couldn't bring myself to leave you." He said, kissing my shoulder.
"You should of."
A silence fell and I was pulled back under.
****
When I woke up I was alone. Shit. I miss him so much that I'm dreaming him here.
"Hey." Jake smiled, coming to sit by me.
"Did you call Ricky?" I asked, as he took my hand.
"Yeah." he said, ashamed.
I tightened my grip on his hand.
"what did he say?" i asked, through clenched teeth.
"We was already half way home, I'm guessing. I left him a message."
"And he didn't come here?"
"Nope."
"Good. Don't call him any more. ever."
"I got it." Jake nodded. "Are you mad at me?"
"I guess not."
"Don't be mad at me Andy. Not you."
"I'm not mad." I forced a smile.
I was reward with his lop sided grin. the one he uses to get out of trouble. Trent does it too.
"Cool."
Mom came in.
"Sorry mom, I was a retard."
"No." she said, touching my forehead."You had other things to think about."
"That's it? No, are you kidding me, Analise, what the fuck where you thinking?"
"oh, your grounded."
"There we go."
"Til your thirty."
"Deal." I smiled.
She kissed my forehead.
"When in the fuck can I get out of here? I'm starving and I have to pee as if I've been walking through the fucking Mojave desert."
"Now should be good." the Dr. said walking in.
"Oh shit, I am so sorry."
He smiled.
"It's okay, I understand. Look here."
I looked at his Finger and he shined a small flash light into my eyes and i flinched away.
"What the fuck. are you trying to blind her?" Jake asked.
"Jacob! sorry. He's kinda protective of his sister."
"It's fine. I'm protective of my sisters too. Jake right? i'm trying to make sure everything with Ana-"
"Andy." Jake cut him off.
"Andy. I need to know if everything is okay. Try again, Andy, look here."
I looked at his finger again, and fought the urge to look away.
"Very good. You can go, I'll have the nurse take your blood pressure and give you back your clothes. Pound that water and rest Andy."
"Thanks."
"Your welcome." He smiled.
He shook my Mom's hand and left.
"If I wouldn't get tossed in jail I would of hit him." Jake said.
"If you went to jail, I wouldn't put money on your books."
He threw his head back and laughed.
After I was changed I was able to go back home.
"What the fuck Andy?" Conner asked, throwing his hands in the air.
"Your back from Arizona?"
"Yeah, they told me you Od'ed, you gotta be careful, little sister." He said, for the first time pulling me into a hug.
He pulled back.
"What about your job?"
"I moved back. Gotta keep you two outta trouble." Conner said, musing mine and Jake's hair.
We grinned and fixed our hair.
Conner walked by my side.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Honest mistake."
"You can talk to me."
"I'll remember that." I said, letting Jake and Him help me into the car.
When we got home Ricky was sitting on the wall with roses.
"Fucking perfect." i mumbled.
"You good?" Conner asked.
I got out.
"Ana-"
"No." I said.
"Just-" he stood in front of me.
"Whoa Buddy, you best take a step back." Conner said.
"Who's he?" Ricky asked.
I pushed past him and went inside.
For the first time Conner came into my room and layed down on my bed.
"Are you going to kick his ass?"
"If he touches you."
"That's why your here?"
"Damn Skippy." He smirked.
I smiled. Jake and Trent came in.
"Guys, come on." i told my brothers.
"Boys?" Mom called.
"Yeah?" They all asked.
"Come with me to get food."
Trent bolted from the room. Jake squeezed my hand.
"I'm good. go."
Conner kissed my forehead and left.
Ashlynn walked into my room, to go into my bathroom.
"You! sit now!"
she laughed and sat on my bed.
"He's still here."
"What's he doing?"
"Talking to Blake."
"About?"
"Something about talking you into talking to him."
"What did Blake say?"
"She said, no. do it yourself."
"Good."
"Can I pee now?"
"Yeah, go for it."
Blake came in and sat on the edge of my bed, and looked at her phone.
"Oh my god."
She gave me the phone. it was from her friend.
'I just cut my left ball on my zipper it burns. D:<'
I threw my head back and laughed.
"Oh my god! Who says that?"
"I know right!" She joined my laughs.
Mom came in.
"You should talk to him."
"No. Your supposed to be on my side. you don't know what he's done to me." I said rolling over.
"Did you get food?" Blake asked.
Bless her. Distraction is always the best policy.
"Yes. Andy do you-"
"Not hungry."
"You need to eat."
"Not hungry."
"Alright. maybe later."
they left. my door opened and closed.
"Andy? i brought you some soft tacos." Conner said.
"Thank god I'm starving."
Conner sat down and gave me two.
"So what's up with this Ricky dude?"
"You'd like him."
He snorted.
"What?" I laughed.
"He obviously did something to you. I'll pass on the friendship."
That's a reason why Conner's awesome. He always has your back and is real. He'll even help you if he doesn't know you.
He tossed the trash away.
"I'm going to go have a smoke. You good?"
"Yep. I'm going to sleep."
"Alright." He patted my leg.
"here." Alice gave me a paper.
Leave it to her to bring me this.
I opened it.
' I want to hold your hand so tight i'm gonna break my wrist.'
"God. Might as well get this over with. Tell him, I'll sing along cause I don't know any other song."
Ricky came in and gave me the roses. Carefully he sat down.
"And we both go down together we'd stay there forever. just try to get up, and I'm sorry this wasn't easy, when I asked you believe me and never let go."
I stroked the petals. when I spoke It was barely a whisper.
"Well I'm thinking of the worst things I could say to you but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore. And now your trying desperately But I'm tongue tied of what I'll say. This will never be right with me, but now your trying Desperately."
I didn't make eye contact with him.
"I've never been this scared."
I leaned back, still stroking the flowers.
"Guess this means your sorry. your standing at my door. Guess this means you take back all you said before. Said you'd never come back but here you are again."
"Cause we belong together, now. My life, would suck, without you."
"Maybe I was stupid for telling you good-bye. Maybe i was wrong for trying to pick a fight. I know that I've got issues, but your pretty messed up too. either way I found out. I'm nothing without you."
He was quite. That's what caused me too look up.
"Being with you is so dysfunctional . I really shouldn't miss you but I can't let you go." I whispered.
"How did this happen?" he whispered.
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it."
"Everything you say, you meant it at one time. You can't ever take your words back."
"Okay your right. Let me try again. I don't know what I was thinking. I was stupid."
"I went to piss you off. I don't like to be controlled. He controlled my life. I have to feel free. I was walking on egg shells around him. One wrong move I'd get smacked."
"Tell me more."
"No."
"No? Why not?"
"We got into a fight. When ever I get into a fight with someone I stop telling them things."
"Come on Ana. It's me."
"You mean the Me who hurt me?" i asked, cocking my head.
"Right." he sighed.
"I miss you." he said.
I looked away.
"Look at me. Say something."
I wiped a tear away.
"Ana-"
"Stay where you are." I said, holding my hands up.
He backed up.
I let out a deep breath and looked at him.
"You hurt me. I knew the second I opened up, the next I would get hurt. I don't know." Words failed me, "How to get over this."
"We can take it slow."
"I don't want to take it slow, in fact I never want to see you again. but I need you." I shook my head.
Ricky stood on his knees and put his hands on either sides of my head. He bent down and kissed me. I set the roses down, and let my hands traveled along his jaw, then they tangled into his hair. He slipped his tongue into my mouth, and kissed me slowly.
"I love you." I told him.
"I love you Ana." He smiled down at me. "Can I ask you something?"
"What?"
"who was the guy?"
I looked away from him. "My Dad." I whispered.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.10.2012

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