It has been exactly two days since i told Eli i wanted to be with him. He said, he did to, but he needed to get his head strait.So of course i said, okay, but i felt like jumping out the window.
i grabbed a ice cream bar, put on some music and layed on my bed.
Blake came in with his school bag.
he took my ice cream, and took a bite.
"i thought we could work, on that project, together, i don't have a partner, and i'm guessing you don't either."
"oh thanks, can i have that back?"
he took another bite and handed it back to me.
"what should we do?"
"well we have to write an essay, and give an example, so i was thinking art. you know cause there's so many ways you can go with that."
"okay, yeah sure."
i gave Blake my lap top and he began to write.
i looked out my window, trying to get inspired.
Instead once again my thoughts went to Eli. i dug my fingers into my palms, and turned to look at Blake.
he was lying on his stomach, facing away from me, and he already had a paragraph.
i read the title.
The many Masks of art.
That gave me an idea. i got a poster and pined it to a wall.
i drew, a face, with sad, and desperate eyes, and a glowing smile.
i chewed my lip.
"Don't worry, it's good it goes perfect with my essay."
he stood behind me.
"Man you can really see the pain in her eyes." He whispered.
i stared at her eyes.
he was right. the drawing looked like a girl who hid her pain, well.
"I'm gonna go print this off at my house, i put it on a hard drive, see you tomorrow at school."
he hugged me and he left.
i took the drawing off the wall and placed it face down on my desk.
i flopped down onto my chair and started out the window.
i pulled my legs up, and my sleeves down.
i took a deep breath.
as of right now i had more things on my mind to worry about cutting myself.
i stood. that was it. i had to keep myself busy.
i cleaned my room, and made dinner.
"hey, guys!" Eli said, in his usual happy way.
he sat to my right, and i put my hand on my neck to kind of block him from seeing my face.
i also put all of my hair on that side.
"hey, Scarlett, look to your right." Beth said.
"Eli, look to your Left." Cassie said.
Eli looked into my eyes.
"now lean forward." Jake said.
i looked down at my food.
"come on guys, get together already." Jake said.
"so partner are you ready for our presentation?" Blake asked.
"yeah, did you get it printed out?"
i was glad, for the distraction.
"what are ya talking about?" Cassie asked.
Blake launched into his story, about me not having a partner, and the whole project thing.
i stood up and grabbed my tray, i tossed it into the trash, and then stared at it.
"Hey, i know the whole Eli thing has you freaked out, so i grabbed your stuff and told them we were going to go to class to set up."
"you really are a good best friend Blake."
"Thanks it's kinda my job."
i laughed.
"There we go." he smiled, handing me my stuff.
"Next." the teacher said.
i got up looking at my feet to make sure i didn't fall. i'm really clumsy.
I unrolled the drawing and pined it up.
when i stepped back everyone began whispering.
"quite."
"we did art. art is a way that a lot of people show how they're feeling. it can be confusing, cause the artist wants you to guess. Our work is called the many masks of art. you may look happy"- i covered the eyes, so the glowing smile only showed,-" when really your just hiding the pain you feel."
i covered the mouth and showed the eyes.
"she really looks like she's in pain!" One of the kids said.
everyone began talking all at once and i became nervous.
i was never one for being in front of a crowd.
"Everyone hush!"
the bell rang.
"Blake, Scarlett i'll take your project."
we turned in the project.
we all went to the park.
they tossed around a ball and i sat in the grass with Cassie.
"Scarlett, can i ask you something?"
"Ask away." i said, pulling out blades of grass.
"Why'd you cut what did you get from it?"
right away i puled down my sleeves.
"i uh...when i cut it made the pain of everything go away for a little bit cause i was paying attention to the cut."
she began to pull blades of grass.
"you gonna do it again?" She whispered.
"I don't think so."
"Good."
she bit her lip and looked at our friends.
i looked up and saw Eli was looking at me.
he smiled and i looked down.
Damn i really loved his smile.
i began to pull at the grass in anger.
"you okay?" Cassie asked, her eyes wide.
"i'm fine." i said through clenched teeth, as i dug my long nails into my palms.
i calmed down as pain shot through my hands.
i blew out some air, and let go of my grip.
my nails where imprinted into my palms so i shoved them into Ayden's pockets.
"you sure?"
"Yeah." i smiled.
she smiled back and looked back at our friends.
"i'm gonna get going."
"you sure?"
"Yeah, see you."
i stood up and walked away. i put my ear phones in, and picked up my speed. i kept looking back as i walked not wanting anyone to follow me. i sat behind the bathrooms.
i reached for my neck.
i wore two necklaces. Ayden's ring, and Kenna's favorite locket.
my hands closed around them as silent tears fell down my cheeks.
Two feet appeared into my line of vision.
Black converse.
i stood and wiped at my face. i took out my ear phones and shoved them into my pocket.
"i'm fine." i said, turning and walking.
He grabbed my wrist and i turned not looking at him.
when he didn't say anything i looked up into Eli's cool blue eyes. they looked troubled.
"Hey." he whispered.
i nodded once.
"Don't." he said, steeping closer.
"I can't do this anymore. it hurts to much to be around you." i searched his pain filled eyes.
"when you decide, come find me. Until then-" i shook my head.
my hand was still in his.
i hadn't realized how tightly he was holding it.
i looked back to his tear filled eyes.
"i know your hurting. if i could take the pain away i would. but I've been hurt to and being around you like this it just-"
i pulled my hand free.
"See ya, Eli." i said, with a sad shrug.
i bit my lip and turned.
it took everything i had to take that first step away from him, without turning back.
slowly i took a second step, a third, a forth.
i kept walking, picking up my pace blinking hard at the tears that threatened to over spill.
i would not let him see he hurt me he had already been through enough.
I did wish he wouldn't let me walk away, but he's been through too much, and he needs time, but it hurt to be away from him. oh god.
I loved Eli.
I turned to look back at him, and that's when he kissed me hard.
it was a kiss filled with pain.
he pulled back and looked into my eyes.
"I'd not gonna let you go. i can't."
he kissed me again.
this time slow and sweet.
behind us our friends whooped, not knowing the words that had been said.
Eli's grip on my face was feather light.
he kissed me once and pulled back, with a bright smile, all pain gone from his eyes.
"YES!" Jake yelled, putting Eli in a head lock.
Cassie pulled me into a hug, kissing my cheek.
Beth slugged me in the arm, and Blake rubbed my back.
Once in my room i closed the door and took a deep breath.
i was working on my breathing that i jumped away from the door when it was knocked on.
Eli came in and then shut the door.
i sat on the bed.
"Feels like i haven't been in hear forever."
i watched him, walk to the window and look out.
"Will this rain ever stop?"
he shut the curtain.
"You okay?" he asked, looking back at me.
i nodded quickly.
his eyebrows pulled together, and he smiled.
"Eli-"
"what? tell me."
"nothing." i shook my head.
he sat next to me and layed back.
"hey,"
i turned my head and looked back at him.
"Come here."
i layed next to him.
"relax, what's wrong?"
what's wrong? i feel in love with the wrong person.
i relaxed into him so he would stop asking me questions.
he stroked my hair.
i focused on his breathing.
i felt like at any second i was going to scream.
"Okay, what's up?"
"Nothing, promise." i muttered.
"I don't believe you."
"you don't trust me?"
"i trust you, i just don't believe you with this one."
i dug my finger nails into my palm, the pain calming me and warning me to not jump of a ledge.
"i'm fine, don't worry about me."
"I always worry about you?"
"Why?"
the answer was filled with confidence.
"Because i love you."
i looked down at him.
"You do?"
"Of course i do." he smiled.
"I love you too,"
"Cool."
i laughed. he flipped us over so i was the one on the bottom.
"i really love you, Scarlett."
he bent down and pressed his lips to mine.
this kiss was perfect. not cause it was soft, and sweet, but cause i knew he loved me. i knew i was loved, cared for. i knew if something happened to me some one would care. and of course there was Blake. Blake who i promised to not kill myself, and try to stop hurting myself. Blake who was my first best friend ever.
we layed in bed and listened to the rain. is this what it feels like to be whole? i'd take it over any suffering.
i just felt bad for those who didn't feel whole.
"What's wrong?"
"When's your next group meeting?"
"Tonight at six."
"I wanna go. is that okay?"
"yeah sure, let's get going."
we walked into a room, where everyone's eyes where on the floor.
"Hey everyone."
everyone looked up and smiled at Eli's voice.
i could tell he made a big impact on their lives.
he took off his coat and took a seat, i sat down next to him.
"This is Scarlett she wants to just sit and listen."
"Anyone one can start." he said, looking around.
his voice was calm. it had everyone wanting to listen to it.
"Have you hurt yourself?"
i looked up to see the questions was directed to me and everyone was staring at me.
"i'd be lying if i said no."
"Well do you still do it what did you do?"
"I cut, and no i stopped."
"Why'd you start?"
"Okay-"
"No it's fine."
i smiled at the group.
"i lost my mom, my sister, and my boyfriend. guess the pain was to strong. when i cut, everything faded except for the pain the cut brought."
"What made you stop?" a timid girl asked.
"i found a reason, a meaning. i thought to myself, what would they think if they knew i hurt myself. i promised someone that i would try to stop, and after i tried to kill myself they begged me not to do it again."
"why'd you try to kill yourself?"
"i guess the pain got the better of me and just pulled me in."
"Would you do it again?"
i looked up at the person who asked.
"No. i'm better than that. i deserve to be alive, and so do you. i want you guys to know i care about each and everyone of you."
"how? you don't even know us."
"Well... i guess it's cause i have so much love, and don't know what to do with it. cause, i want to believe that you guys can fight this."
everyone was quiet.
"i want to fight it."
i looked up.
kids started agreeing.
everyone stared clapping.
i looked down and bit my lip.
why am i letting fear run me?
they talked a little more and Eli drove me home.
"Thanks for the ride." i pushed open the door.
"I love you," he said softly.
"i love you Eli."
i turned and kissed him.
once inside i went right to bed. Lee was gone with work.
the next morning i fought to wake up. something bad was gonna happen and i knew it.
i called Jake and Beth, they where fine.
"Yeah i'm fine but you might want to check on Blake. i can't get to him, no one's heard from him over the weekend."
i hung up the phone and ran to Blake's house.
the car's in the drive way where gone. i knocked on the door but no one answered.
i tried the door.
i pushed it open.
"Blake?" i whispered.
a piano started to play. i followed the noise, and saw Blake playing a sad song.
"Blake."
i felt tears falling down my face, as my eyes stayed glued to the gun in his hand.
"Go away, Scarlett." his voice was broken.
his back was to me.
"Blake, talk to me." i begged.
"Leave, i don't want you to see this."
"Then don't do it, please. I love you."
"I love you, too, a lot. that's why you need to leave."
he spun around.
his face was tear streaked.
"I lied to you Scarlett. this time, i wont be able to be saved. it'll be quick. you Believed me so easily. i thank you for believing in me."
"Blake!" i screamed as he raised the gun to his head.
he looked up at me with haunted eyes.
"Goodbye Scarlett. i love you."
"Blake, stop!" i sobbed.
he came to me.
"Don't cry, i'm gonna be okay and so are you."
"No, no i'm not. please don't leave me your my world." my voice was thick as fear strangled me.
he smiled and touched my face. i leaned into his hand.
he kissed my forehead slowly.
"Your gonna be fine." He whispered.
"Don't. Blake."
i swallowed my pain.
"I need you."
"What?" his voice was filled with pain.
"i need you, i wont be anything with out you. please."
the relief that hit me when he gave me the gun would last for my entire life.
i took the clip out, tossed the gun on the sofa, and pulled Blake into my arms as he sobbed.
to shocked to say anything i clutched him to me as if i was afraid of losing everything i had ever loved at once.
we layed on the living room floor, the top of our heads pressed together.
"What happened?"
"I don't know, the lonely just pulled me under again."
"Maybe we should hang out more, if we do you wont have time to be so lonely."
"You sure are a work of art Scarlett, i guess i just felt..." he sighed.
"Broken." i finished for him.
"Yeah." he put his hands by his ears, and i grabbed onto them.
for awhile we were still.
it was at that moment i realized that life's hardships where far from over.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 10.08.2012

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Widmung:
for peppanne who wanted me to write more. you guys keep me going. Much love.XD