I heard the yelling and banging on the door, as i stood by the window in the empty room.
no matter how loud the banging and yelling got i didn't open the door.
they screamed for me to open the door, and stop.
the other window slid open.
"Don't do this." my best friend said, climbing through it.
"why?" my voice sounded dead.
"this wont solve anything." he said.
"yes it will, you know it will."
"Scarlett."
i took the rock i hand in my hand and hit it on the window, making it break.
i grabbed a sliver and turned to my sanity.
"don't come to me." i said, holding the sliver of glass to my neck.
"whoa, calm down."
"you don't understand no one does."
"yes i do."
"lies. your lying to me."
"just put the glass down listen to my voice."
"why should i no one cares. it's so easy just one little slice."
"so you can bleed to death in pain?" Eli asked.
i looked at him annoyed.
"fine i'll just." i grabbed the rope i had.
"whoa where'd you get that?"
i put the noose on a hook, that was on the roof.
"Scarlett."
"drop it Eli, i'm doing this."
"what will it solve! i know you have problems we all do."
i got on the chair, and put my head through the loop, testing it.
i tossed the glass, and stood at the edge of the chair.
"Scarlett." Eli said, hand held out.
"i'm sorry i failed you, Eli." I whispered.
i closed my eyes and stepped off the chair.
**************
One month earlier.

"hello family!" i said, coming into the kitchen.
i hugged my sister, kissed my mom's cheek and gave my dad a high five.
i love my family it's just awesome.
My foster brother came in. he just got here yesterday.
everyone stopped what they where doing.
"hey Ayden." i waved.
"Hey Scar." he said.
my family is careful around him cause he dresses different from us. if you think that way why take him into your home?
"so i'm gonna show you around at school today, unless you want to do it yourself."
"whatever." he shrugged, and took an apple.
"are you coming Kenna?" i asked putting my bag on my shoulder.
"uh, yeah." she said, running after us.
"you sit by Ayden." she said, as we came up on the limo.
"i know." i said, sliding in.
i showed him around.
"you have Drama with me, so come on."
he grabbed my wrist and i turned back to him.
"thanks for helping me Scar."
"sure, we all have our problems."
we went to class.
"so how was school?" mom asked, as we sat down for dinner.
"best first day ever!" Kenna said.
"it was good."
"Ayden?" mom asked.
"it's just school," he mumbled.
that night i passed by his room and he was sitting out on the roof.
"hey." i called, leaning on the window.
"hey." he said, not looking back.
i climbed out and sat next to him.
"i wanted to let you know i'm here if you need to talk."
"okay."
"so, it's a little cold don't you think?" i asked, rubbing my arms.
he put some blanket around my shoulders.
"uh, thanks."
"whatever." he Shrugged.
"so do you have any family?"
"no,"
"everyone has family."
"mines dead."
"oh."
"look, i think it's cool, that your trying to include me but could we just be quite for awhile?"
"sure, quiet, i can do that."
"no you can't Scar."
"quiets boring, but if it will help you i'm willing to try."
"thanks."
"Whatever." i shrugged.
we sat there. when i started to shake Ayden scooted closer to me.
"body heat."
"thanks."
"yep."
"Oh my goodness, get inside right now!" mom said.
we went back inside.
"what's a matter with you? you've never done nothing like that in your life, Scar. Ayden, no going on the roof.
"then where am i supposed to think?"
"you'll do it in your room, like the rest of the normal people."
she turned and went to her room.
"night." i said, leaving.
for the next week we hung out, on the roof.
Ayden told me bits and parts of his past.
"we can hang out anymore." Ayden said.
it was just us at home.
"why?" i asked, shaking my head, and going to him.
"uh, cause okay?"
"no not okay."
he took my face and kissed me.
"okay?" he asked.
"no not okay." i said, reaching up and pressing my lips to his.
he became stiff under my touch.
"Scarlett."
"fine, no friends."i said, leaving his room and slamming the door.
oh god what did i just do? i just kissed my brother. well, foster brother.
"go away." i said, as the door was knocked on.
"Open the Door." he said.
"go away!" i yelled.
the lock turned and the door swung open.
"no, you don't want to be my friend." i said, as he came to me.
i barely know him but i felt hurt that he didn't want to be my friend.
he shut the door, and took my face.
"Let me go."
"you don't really mean that." he said.
for the first time he smiled a true smile.
he pressed his lips to mine.
"this is wrong." i said, pulling back.
"Haven't you ever done something you thought was wrong?"
"have you."
"yeah."
"what?"
"i fell in love with the wrong girl."
"that sucks."
he pressed his forehead to mine.
"just for tonight let me love you."
"i'm scared."
which was true.
"don't be."
he kissed me.
i combed my fingers through his hair and he took off his leather jacket.
he picked me up and put me on the bed.
his hand Squeezed my chest once, and then down my body, to my pants.
"wait."
"what, are you a virgin?" he asked, with a smile.
i nodded.
"oh, shit sorry." he said, pulling away.
"no," i said, pulling him to me.
"just kissing." he said.
i nodded, and he went to my neck.
"we're home!"
"damn." he said.
he kissed my forehead and left, grabbing his coat.
the next night, mom and dad went to a movie and Kenna went to her friends.
i went to Ayden's room.
"What's that?"
he smiled and came to me.
"this is a bottle of vodka, and this is orange juice."
he poured the clear liquid into the orange juice glass.
"drink it." he said, handing it to me.
i took a drink that's good.
"drink it all Scar." he said.
"all of it?"
his hand went to the small of my back, and he pressed me against him.
"all of it." he said, tipping the glass.
"good girl." he smiled, taking the glass to his night stand.
"do you feel different?" he asked, pulling me to him.
"no." i said.
he pulled me to his bed, where he made more drinks.
he layed on the bed and i was sitting at his feet.
"i feel funny."
"don't worry, your just buzzed."
"No i'm hot." i said, i stood taking off my pants.
"Uh, Scar?"
i sat back on the bed.
"you okay?" he asked, sitting up.
i looked over at him.
"Scarlett?"
i pushed him back on the pillows and layed on him.
"uh,"
i bit his neck, and then kissed it.
he sat up, making me sit up.
i grabbed the bottle and put it to his mouth.
"drink it all." i told him.
he pulled away, and coughed.
i took his face in my hands and kissed him.
he layed back, holding my legs.
i went to kissing his neck.
"Scar."
"just go with it,"
"we should stop."
i kissed him again. he flipped me over, and took off my shirt.
"tell me what i have to do."
"just keep your legs up i'll do the rest."
"Um."
"i'll go slow."
"Ayden."
but he was already pushing into me, kissing my neck.
i held onto his back and squeezed my eyes closed.
he didn't lie he went slow.
"k this parts going to hurt, i have to move."
"just do it." i said, patting his back.
he began to move and i screamed through my teeth.
"i know." he said, kissing me.
i tangled my hands through his hair.
soon he collapsed on top of me.
he looked down at me.
"that hurt."
"i know, i'm sorry."
he got off and held me to him.
he kissed my forehead, and stroked my hair.
"we can't tell mom." he said.
i nodded, kissing his chest.
"We're home."
i grabbed my stuff and ran to my room. i jumped into the shower and then went to bed.
the next day i stayed in bed.
"hey, you okay?" Ayden asked, sitting on my bed.
"i'm sore."
"i know. look that was just a one time thing okay?"
"i thought you loved me." i said.
"i do, that's why i'm not going to do that anymore." he kissed my forehead and he was gone.
i stayed on bed for an ten minuets and went to Ayden's room.
he was wearing nothing but a towel.
"so your telling me that you what nothing to do with me?"
"scar." he said, looking startled.
"so last night meant nothing to you?"
"it's not like that, shit."
"what?"
"nothing."
"i want to know."
with a sly smile he took off his towel.
"whoa!" i said, turning around.
"look, i just don't-"
i lifted up my night gown.
"what are you doing?"
i took off my underwear, and dropped them in his hand.
"do you like me now? am i slutty enough for you?"
i shut the drawer and sat on his dresser.
"is that it you need a hoe?"
"Scarlett."
"No come on, you want a slut."
i yanked on his arm, pulling him to me.
i bit my lip through the pain, and he moaned.
"what are you doing?" he asked.
"being the girl of your dreams."
"scar."
i grabbed his hips and pulled him further into me.
"you don't know what your doing."
he grabbed my legs.
"stop your hurting me."
he didn't stop.
"there, is that what you want?"
i grabbed my underwear and ran from the room.
the next day after school we where the only ones home.
"look i had to do that, so you wouldn't want me anymore. i liked you cause you weren't like other girls."
"i was just trying to show you that it's okay."
"okay to what? Make love to your sister. do you know how bad that sounds?"
i bit my lip.
"don't do that." he said.
"don't do what?" i asked, looking up at him from under my lashes.
he grabbed my forearms and pressed his forehead to mine.
"you have no idea what you do it me." he said.
"uh-i."
he pulled back, and slowly took off my coat.
"Ayden."
"i'll go slow this time i promise, but i need you right now."
i pulled him to me.
i know it's strange but, it felt right. maybe i'm just a freak. or maybe i love the wrong person.
he layed me on my bed, and slowly went in me.
"i love you Ayden."
he kissed me.
we made love to me slowly, and carefully.
"hey mom, don't bother picking me up tomorrow i'm staying after school."
"okay, bye kids."
after school, Ayden Pulled me aside.
"i got you something." he said, shoving a ring on to my left hand.
"It's a promise, ring. my class ring will have to work for now."
i smiled and kissed him.
"i don't want you to go." i said.
he smiled, and kissed my forehead.
"we'll be together soon."
"bye," i called as he walked away.
he came back kissed me deeply and left.
"see you at home." Kenna said.
"Yeah." i said wondering if she saw.
"i love you, you can talk to me about anything." she said.
"you are the best twin ever." i said, hugging her.
when i did get home they where gone.
there was a knock on the door and i opened it to a cop.
"can i help you?"
"Scarlett Black?"
"yeah."
"there's been a car accident with your mom. there was a girl and a boy in the car. there's no survivors, i'm sorry."
did i just here him right. i felt like i was the one who died.
i slammed the door.
i went into my mom's room, grabbed her blanket, then went to Kenna's grabbed her stuffed bear, then went to Ayden's. i crawled into his bed and cried.
when my dad found me i was in my room on the bathroom floor.
"come on sweety."
he picked me up and put me in bed.
the next morning i went down stairs.
"why aren't you ready?"
"i'm not going."
"you have to go to school."
"i just lost my mom, my brother, and my other half. please don't make me go."
i used brother instead of love of my life.
"alright you can stay home."
after he left i dug through Ayden's closet.
i found a box of black hair dye.
i ripped the box open and went into his bathroom. i dyed my hair from brown to black.
i sat on the toilet and cried at what i'd just done.
i washed out my hair, and looked in the mirror.
i looked.... pretty.
it made me feel better.
i took off Ayden's ring and put it on a necklace and wore it like that.
"whoa." dad said when he saw me.
"sorry."
"it's fine. why don't you sleep in my bed tonight?"
"i'm good."
"it'll be like old times."
"okay."
"who did you sleep with?" he asked in the morning.
"what?"
"i know your not a virgin."
"dad your making things up." i said.
i went to the bathroom, to take a shower.
that's when i noticed my underwear was on inside out.
"who did you sleep with?" he asked, opening my door."
i covered myself.
"did you rape me?" i asked.
"you looked so like your mom."
"so you rapped me." i said.
"don't look at it like that."
he grabbed me and put me on a shelf.
"stop."
"no you stop." he said, grabbing my throat.
he picked me up, and i grabbed at his hands.
"you know i'd never take you for a slut. i mean i knew your sister was."
he tossed me onto the floor.
"don't talk about her like that."
"whatever."
he took out some rope. he grabbed my arm and put me on the bed. tying me there.
"your just going to leave me here?"
"you make that sound mean."
"how can you get turned on be a little girl?"
"oh there's nothing little about you."
he kept me tied up for two day's only letting my go to the bath room.
"are you hungry?"
i nodded.
"you have to earn your food."
"that's sick."
"yeah, but we both win, you get food, and i get you."
after he was finished with me i got to eat.
"why are you doing this?"
"i'm just trying to keep you safe."
he put me on the counter.
"you understand don't you?"
"no."
he grabbed my through.
"yes." i gasped pulling at his hand.
"good. now get on your knees."
"please."
he grabbed me and threw me to the floor.
"your going to listen to me, but since your going to be a bad girl, i'll have to punish you."
he grabbed a knife.
he picked me up, and put me on the counter.
"pick your dress up."
i picked up my dress.
he cut away my underwear.
"please." i panicked.
"relax. i'm not going to cut you."
"does it hurt?" he asked, as he pounded into me.
"yes." i said.
he went harder. he threw me to the floor.
i gasped for air and held onto my throat.
the door was knocked on and he went to answer it.
"officer." he said surprised.
"help!"
"excuse me sir."
the cop came into the room.
he saw the knife, my underwear and me on the floor.
"Sir, i'm going to have to arrest you."
"why?" my dad said.
"James."
"come with me miss."
"i can't walk."
"why?"
"cause i'm sore, let's leave it at that."
"cause he rapped you?"
"cause he rapped me."
"i'm just going to pick you up."
he picked me up and put me in the front seat.
we went to the hospital, where i stayed for an hour.
"we called your older brother and he-"
"Scar!" lee said, taking my hand.
"everything's going to be fine. your going to come and stay with me."
" i need to go home and get stuff."
"i know come on."
"what me to help you?"
"no, i got it."
i grabbed the bags he brought and went into the house.
i shoved Ayden's clothes into a bag. i found a journal and opened it.
it was his days here, on the last pages he glued pictures of us on the pages.
i swallowed and put the book in. i packed up my mom's and Kenna's clothes, and our pictures.
i put the bags in the back seat of the truck.
"can i use those?" i asked, pointing to boxes.
"sure."
i packed their blankets. something black caught my eye. i looked over and saw Ayden's Leather Jacket.
i put it on and cried.
lee knocked on the door.
"who lived in here."
"just a boy."
"that you liked?"
"that i loved." i sobbed.
he hugged me.
"nice jacket."
"it was his. Ayden."
"are you ready to go?"
"yeah."
i went to his house, and put everything away.
"didn't you pack your clothes?"
"i'm going to wear Ayden's."
"i like what you did to your hair."
"thanks."
i pulled the jacket up.
it smelled like him. i leaned on the door and cried.
How could they all be gone? what happened? everything was okay, now everything wasn't.
we pulled up to a building.
"where are we?"
"i work here, it's for kids that need help."
we got out.
"Hey Lee!" a kid with black hair said.
The kid turned his blue eyes on me.
"Hey i'm Eli."
i shook his hand.
"Scarlett, his little sister."
"if it wasn't for Lee, i'd be dead, come on, i'll show you around."
i looked at Lee.
"go for it."
i followed Eli.
"i really Like your Jacket."
"thanks."
"Were'd you get it?"
"oh it's not mine."
"oh, well there's different groups of support here. there's a group if you want to kill yourself, if you cut yourself, and if you need to talk to someone. I've been in every room, so now i help out for kids that don't want to talk to the Adults."
"i need help." i blurted.
"what kind of help?" he asked, smile warm.
"uh, never mind."
i walked away.
"hey, if you need help let me help you."
"I don't want anyone to know."
"okay, i'll help you behind closed doors."
"okay."
"what's the worst you've done."
i gave him a wrist.
he lifted up the sleeve.
"pretty deep, we'll be working together."
"can you look at it as a friendship please?"
"yeah, absolutely."
"uh, you know what, i change my mind, i'm fine."
"if i can help save you, i'm not going to stop."
"i'm scared."
"that's normal."
"that doesn't sound like what a friend would say."
"sorry, i'm not used to friends here."
"Scarlett let's go."
i turned relieved.
i turned back to Eli when he took my wrist.
"i'm not gonna give up on you."
"thank you."
"yep."
he smiled, and went down the hall.
he wore a black long sleeved shirt and black jeans.
"ready?" Lee asked, putting an arm around me.
i jumped away from him, like his hands where dipped in poison.
i looked around, and Saw Eli shake his head and turn the corner.
"sorry." i whispered.
"i's my fault, come on."
the next day i started a new school.
i got lunch and sat down at a table that no one was at.
i stared at my food. i pushed it away discussed.
i picked up my bag and left the court yard.
i shoved my hands deep inside of Ayden's jacket.
i hurried along walking by tables filled with kids.
"Scarlett!"
i looked up at my name.
Eli waved.
i looked back down and picked up my pace.
i heard running feet and i wished he'd go away.
"hey."
"hi." i said, picking up my pace.
"you okay?"
"yep."
"no your not."
i stopped.
"why don't we meet."
"i'm fine." i said stomping off.
"Let me help you."
"No." i said, firmly.
"Scarlett."
i pushed the bathroom door open.
i looked at my wrist.
i opened my bag and grabbed the blade i keep in there.
i dragged it across my skin, and watched the blood rise.
i stopped the bleeding and went to class.
"dinner's almost done." Lee said.
"no thanks i ate a big lunch, i'm gonna go to bed."
the next morning, i grabbed my blade.
"there's another way, give me the blade." Eli said, pushing open my door.
i backed away.
"you gotta trust me Scarlett, i only want to help you." he held out his hand.
"liar." i said, dragging the blade across my skin.
i dropped the blade.
Eli grabbed my wrist and held it over my head.
he led me to the bathroom, and stopped the bleeding.
"your staring to cut too deep."
"so." i said
i grabbed his wrist and looked at the scars.
i touched them lightly.
"don't you ever want to cut?"
"yes."
"do you."
"no."
"why?"
"i learned to deal with it, a different way."
i dropped his wrist.
"i like it."
"i did too."
"so why don't you go back?"
"cause i'm better than that."
"cause your strong. you need to leave."
"no."
"yes, go, before, i drag you back down."
"Scarlett."
"I'm terrified." i sobbed.
Eli pulled me into his arms.
"i feel so alone."
his arms tightened around me.
"I'm here, for you."
four words. four words that gave me hope and made my heart fly.
"wanna know what happened?"
"you wanna tell me."
i nodded, smiling, and wiped my eyes.
we sat on my bed.
"okay, so, Lee left and my dad threw himself into his work. we used to be really close. My twin sister's name is Makenna. we are always together. my mom and i, we're pretty close. i had a happy family, i had everything i wanted i was happy. Ayden was a foster kid that stayed with us. he had problems that i didn't understand. in the week he stayed with us i fell in love with him, and slept with him. one day after school, he said he was gonna marry me. sorry." i paused to wipe my tears.
"it's okay." he smiled.
i took the ring out of my shirt.
" see? so that day i stayed after school. and when i got home a cop said, there was a car accident. I lost the love of my life, my mom, and my other half. my dad began to beat, choke and rape me. he tied me up for two days without food or water. i felt so alone, i had no one to talk to. i felt worthless, alone, stupid, gross. so i started to cut. and then i got an eating disorder."
i looked down.
"i don't think i can be helped."
"everyone can be helped."
"Lee put his arm around me, and i jerked away like his hands where dipped in poison."
"i saw that."
"you shook your head."
"that's how i was. right before i tried to kill my self."
"how?"
"cut really deep. it was painful and too slow. my little brother found me. i was taken to the hospital. the Dr. said, i was going to die. Joey jumped out the window. He died on impact."
"oh god." i said, covering my mouth.
"he lost his life, because of me, cause i tried to kill myself. i found his journal, and all it talked about was how alone he felt and the i was his hero."
i swallowed.
"some hero huh?"
"yeah..." i bit my lip.
"i need your help." i whispered.
"i'm here."
i gave a weak smile.
"just don't get to close, i can't make any promises."
"you can't kill yourself, what if Lee kills himself cause you did."
"at least we'd all be together."
"Scarlett listen to yourself! don't you want to be happy?"
"my sister, mom and Ayden are gone. there is no happy."
"you feel like that not but you just need time."
"time destroys us."
he breathed out.
"i'm not crazy." i said shaking my head, feeling crazy.
"of course your not."
Eli placed a hand on my leg, and i jerked back.
"Scarlett."
i got up and went into the bathroom, and locked the door.
"open the door!" Eli said, pounding on it.
"Eli?"
"yes?"
"there's a blade on the counter."
"stay away from it Scarlett."
"but it's so close."
"Your not crazy just open the door."
" no, i'm worthless, this is what i do."
"Scarlett no." he said hitting the door once.
"just once more Eli, it's so easy."
"Your not worthless open the damn door, your scaring me Scarlett."
"you don't understand."
"i can help you."
"liar."
"i'm not lying don't pick up that blade Scarlett please."
i picked up the blade, and twirled it in my hand.
"don't do it please."
i dropped it.
"Scarlett?"
i looked at the blade in the sink.
"Scarlett please."
i opened the door and his face looked relived.
"i didn't do it." i whispered. "i listened to your voice. i'm not crazy you can help me."
"see." he said, pulling me into his arms.
"okay, you need to eat."
"why so i can get fat no thanks."
i sat on my bed.
"you now you can get really sick."
"you said i was scaring you. why?"
"cause you were."
"no, why's you say it."
"cause i care about you."
"don't say that."
"why?"
"Cause it's a lie!" i yelled.
i went back to the bathroom, and picked up the blade.
"Your better than this."
"no i'm not."
"yes you are."
"shut up Eli."
"Scarlett."
"i said shut up!"
he took a step to me.
"it feels good, i feel free. it's addicting. i don't know how you stopped." i mused.
"Scarlett you gotta listen to me."
i held the blade in my hands tightly.
i took off Ayden's jacket and put it on the sink.
i put the blade to my clean wrist.
"What would your mom and sister think? What about Ayden?"
i tossed the blade, and ranked my hands through my hair.
i backed up until i was against the wall and i slid down it, crying.
Eli sat next to me, and held out his hand.
i took it and lace mine with his.
"you did it." he breathed out.
"you found your reason for quitting."
"your reason. it's joey."
"things are going to get better." he nodded.
"i don't believe it."
"you have to or you won't get better."
"your just stronger than me."
"your strong."
"tomorrows my birthday. i'm turning 16."
"really?"
"yeah, how old are you?"
"16."
i nodded.
"what now?" i asked.
"you eat something. come on."
he stood and pulled me to my feet.
we got into his car and we drove out to eat.
"i don't have money, looks like i'm not eating."
"i'm paying for you, nice, try." he said pulling me back in line.
"i'm not hungry."
he looked at my stomach as it growled, then to my face. he smiled and shook his head.
we got a large fry and two milkshakes.
"you got a girlfriend?"
"nope."
"really? you seem to sweet to not have one."
"yeah, girls are a little scared of me."
"why?" i asked shoving a fry in my mouth.
"the way a dress."
"well that's stupid." i said, pulling Ayden's jacket up.
"yeah, well that's how it is."
"well it's lame." i said, taking a drink.
"why are you looking at me?"
"oh sorry." he said, eating some fries.
"you were right, i needed food."
"yeah, you can also think better with food"
"what's that supposed to mean!"
"Scarlett i-"
"just kidding dude."
he laughed and shook his head.
"so do i get to go home after this?"
"yeah,but i'm going to stay with you for a bit."
"your going to baby sit me for a bit." i looked down at the tray.
he touched my hand, and once again i flung back.
"sorry." i said, getting pissed at myself.
"look can we just go?"
"yeah, come on."
i grabbed my milkshake.
we watched a movie.
"okay, if you need me call me, no matter the time."
"Eli wait, i wanna try something."
he turned back to me.
i poked his arm.
"what are you doing?" he laughed.
"hush."
i put my hand on his shoulder. he didn't move and i pulled back.
i slowly gave him a hug, and patted his back.
"try to hug me back." i said.
his arms slowly closed around me.
"okay, i'll call you." i said.
"cool."
After he left i went back inside and layed in bed.
"Happy Birthday." Eli said, carefully.
he held out a CD case with a bow on it.
"you didn't have to buy me any thing."
"i made it. uh, don't read the note until you've listened to the song."
"okay." I shrugged putting in my bag. "thanks."
"Why don'y you come sit with me?"
"okay." i said, slowly following him.
"what are his friends going to think?"
i sat down and all four of them looked at me.
"I'm Cassie, i had a eating disorder." the first girl said.
"Jake. i have depression."
"Beth, i'm bipolar."
"Blake, a recovering cutter."
How could they all just tell me this so easily?
"aren't you going to sit down?" Cassie asked, turning her head to the side.
i sat down.
"Guys this is Scarlett." Eli said carefully.
"I heard today's your birthday." Jake said.
"yep." i said.
"Happy birthday." they all said.
"Thanks."
"look you don't have to be wall freaked out. we all have problems so we know." Beth said.
i pulled on the Jackets sleeve.
"Your a cutter." Blake said.
"How do you know?"
"Cause you nervously pulling down your sleeve." he said.
i looked down.
"Eli can help you he's the best, he helped all of us." Blake said.
i nervously rubbed my neck.
Beth turned the subject and they all stated talking. talking and laughing."
Eli watched me from the corner of his eye, as he slowly ate his food.
"Aren't you hungry?" Jake asked.
"oh, no." i shook my head.
"you should eat." Cassie said, with a pointed look.
"i'm not hungry." i said.
"Cool it." Eli said, looking at her.
"uh," i grabbed my bag and left.
i sat on a wall.
"there you are."
Eli sat next to me.
"you know when people leave it's cause they want to be alone." i smiled.
he laughed.
"you helped all of them?"
"yeah." his eye brows pulled together.
"what's wrong?"
"Blake. he still cuts."
"i'll talk to him."
"your not going to want to do that." Eli said, running after me.
"Blake can i talk to you alone?"
he got up and followed me.
"Let me see the damage."
"um." he said.
"Come on show me your wrist."
his eye brows pulled together.
i lifted up my sleeve and showed him my wrist.
he took it and examined it.
"your cuts are deeper than mine."
he pulled up his sleeve and held out his wrist.
"see?"
"can i?"
"go for it."
i took his wrist.
on of the cuts was fresh.
"when did you do this one?"
"this morning." He whispered.
"you have to find someone to stop for."
"there's no one." he said, pulling down his sleeve.
"then do it for you. every time you cut your self, hurting yourself, they're wining."
"when's the last time you cut?"
"yesterday."
"see?"
"so i'm not the best role model but i'm not doing that stuff anymore. i found a reason to quit."
"i'll try." he said.
"that's all i ask."
"can i have a hug?" He whispered.
i through my arms around him.
that night i listened to the song.
it's called when she cries by Britt Nicole.
( HERE'S THE LYRICS, YES, THIS IS A REAL SONG.)

(Little girl terrified She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal. A home is no place to hide Her heart is breaking from the pain that she feels.
Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries
Today she's turning sixteen
Everyone singing, but she can't seem to smile
They never get past arms length
How could they act like everything is alright?
pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, "maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean"
This is the dark before the dawn
The storm before the peace
Don't be afraid 'cause seasons change and
God is watching over you
He hears you
Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries
Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries.)
I took the note and unfolded it.
'I hear you, Scarlett-Eli.'
i swallowed.
"what are you doing here?" Lee said. i ran down stairs at his out burst.
"I got you a present." my dad said, tossing me a rapped box.
"you need to leave." Lee said.
i ran to my room, and took calming breaths.
i opened the box, to razor blades.
i looked at the clock. 2 in the morning.
"Hello?" Eli asked half asleep.
"Eli? it's me."
"what's wrong Scarlett?" he asked, sitting up.
"my dad came by."
"are you okay?"
"he gave me a birthday present."
"What did he give you Scarlett?"
"a pack of razors."
"Shit."
i heard a shuffling noise.
"i want to use them Eli."
"i know you do but don't. i'm on my way."
"tell me what to do Eli, please hurry, before i use them."
"go find Lee. now."
i went to the Kitchen.
"did you find him.
"i found him."
Lee looked up.
"give him the blades."
"no."
"Scarlett give him the blades now."
i held out the blades.
Lee took them, and grabbed my hand.
"What is this?" Lee asked, looking at my wrist.
"give the phone to him."
"What are you doing?" he shouted.
"Scarlett, give the phone to Lee now."
i handed Lee the phone.
"Hello?" Lee asked.
i went to my room, and shut the bathroom door.
i layed on the floor, and pulled my legs to my chest.
i layed there numb, staring at the wall.
after awhile the door opened, and my head was soon on Eli's leg.
i didn't pull away when he stroked my head. i was to scared and numb to move.
"did you do it?"
"no."
silent tears slipped down my face, but i was to tired to wipe them away.
"Eli?"
"yeah?"
"I'm so tired."
"you can sleep."
i closed my eyes, and fell into darkness.
when i woke up i was in my bed on Eli's chest.
i couldn't move. Not because i was scared, or numb. Because i felt safe.
i let out a shaky breath, and Eli came awake.
"you okay?"
"yeah, i'm good. i think i can really do this."
"I know you can."
"how did you know something was wrong?"
"your voice."
"what do you mean?"
"when your about to go over the edge it changes. it turns dark and empty. Dead."
"thanks, for coming. if you didn't answer i would of done it."
i sat up.
"it's going to take awhile, but you'll get it."
the phone rang.
"Hello?" i asked.
"Scarlett? it's me Blake....i was going to cut myself.... and then i thought of you,
and didn't."
"what! i'm so proud of you!"
"You are are?"
"yes."
"I wanted to do it."
"in know, you have to stay strong."
" my mom's back i gotta go."
"bye Blake."
"Bye Scarlett."
"what?" Eli asked.
"I helped him." i smiled. "he was going to cut and he thought about me and didn't do it."
"feels good doesn't it."
"yeah, it feels awesome. now i know why you do what you do. Tanks you Eli, i mean it."
"It's what i do." he said standing.
i hugged him.
he seemed to be taken odd guard for a second, then he held me.
after school he pulled my aside.
"i need you to do something for me."
"anything."
"i'm going to the cemetery. i haven't been there, since he was put in the ground. will you go with me?"
"yeah, let's go."
he had a thing or roses.
he split them in half.
he put half on Joeys grave, and the other on the grave next to joey's.
the name Kammi Donner, was written on the grave.
"who was she?"
he was on his knees.
"My girl friend. she died of cancer."
i touched his shoulder as tears came done his face.
he grabbed my hand and rubbed it with his Thumb.
we stayed quite for a second. Something i learned from Ayden.
we got into his car and drove to my house. we stayed in the car in silence.
"Thank you."
"your welcome." i said, as he laced his hand through mine.
i stared at our hands between us.
his hand was bigger than mine so it was like a little kid, curled up in the arms of a loved one.
he looked over and smiled at me.
"your the best." he said.
"your better."
we went inside.
i picked up the phone.
"Is the Scarlett?"
"yes, who's this."
"my son left me a note saying call Scarlett. he tried to kill him self he's in the hospital."
"oh my god i'm on my way."
i ran into the kitchen.
"give me your keys Lee."
"you can't drive."
"What's going on?" Eli asked.
i grabbed the keys off the table and got into the car.
Eli jumped into the car.
"What's going on?"
i started the car.
"your going to make it, your going to be okay."
"Scarlett?"
i turned off the car.
"Miss you can't park here."
i ran into the waiting area.
"Are you Scarlett?" a woman asked.
"Where is he?"
"Room 215."
i ran through the halls. i went into his room.
"He hasn't waken up." Cassie said.
Beth and Jake where pacing.
"What happened?"
"he cut to deep." Beth said, shaking her head.
"why, don't we let her be alone with him?" Jake said.
"thanks, Eli's in the Waiting room, trying to calm that lady."
"it's his mom." Cassie said.
"shit." i said.
once they where gone i sat in the chair by his bed.
i took a hold of his soft ice cold hand.
" now you've done it. why didn't you call me? You gotta pull through Blake i can't lose another person, i care for." i shook my head.
"i can't do it. come on, you gotta pull through."
i put his hand to my forehead.
"I didn't try to kill myself."
"no of course you didn't." i said, rubbing his hand.
"your crying." he said.
"i'm happy."
"i was sad."
"i know."
"i didn't try to kill myself you gotta believe me Scarlett." he said, eyes getting wide.
"i believe you with all my heart."
he relaxed.
"i was terrified. i'm sorry, i failed you."
"the only way you can fail me is if you take your life."
i Swallowed.
"why'd you do it?"
"it was just there. i..." he shook his head and held onto my hand, tightly.
Eli came in.
"I didn't try to kill myself." Blake said, right away.
"He's up!" Eli called down the hall.
Eli stood behind me and put his hands on his shoulders.
everyone came in, and the talking began.
"mom, i didn't try to kill myself. i'm getting help right now. That's Eli, my Group leader. and this is Scarlett. My reason for quitting."
i looked up at him, but he was looking at his mom.
"just rest."
everyone started to leave.
"your a good role model. stay strong." he said.
"you too," i said.
"and Scarlett?"
"yeah."
"thanks for coming."
"sure."
"and this whole your my reason for quitting thing, it isn't cause i want to date, you. you just inspired me so i don't want things to be strange around us."
"totally." i laughed.
"you should be with Eli. you both deserve someone with so much love."
"i don't hold love."
"yes you do. i can tell."
"get better okay?" i asked.
"I promise." he whispered.
i could tell the drugs where taking him under.
"good night, Blake."
i kissed his forehead, and he fell into a dark sleep.
i drove home with out saying anything.
i made plans with everyone to come over.
i tossed Lee his keys and went to my bedroom.
i shut my door and paced my room.
"he almost died." i said, Before Eli said anything.
"i can't lose anyone i care about anymore."
he took a step to me.
"especially you. don't leave me."
"i wont."
"no. you gotta promise to me Eli. please."
"i wont leave you promise."
i nodded and blew out some air.
"can i hug you?"
i nodded quickly, making my head hurt.
he pulled me into a hug.
after what happened i got trust issues. the only person i trust is Eli.
"Blake said, we should get together." i wiped my tears. "that boy is so crazy."
Eli took my shoulders and pressed his lips to mine.
the pit of my stomach knotted, Ayden's jacket Burned into my skin.
he pulled back and i covered my mouth.
"oh my god, i'm sorry."
i shook my head.
"Scarlett, i didn't mean to, okay, we're friends i was just crazy for a second cause of Blake."
i just started at him.
"are you okay?"
i nodded still covering my mouth.
"i gotta go."
he grabbed his jacket and left.
when the front door slammed i jumped.
when he left so did my hope.
i sat on the edge of the bed.
it felt nice when he kissed me. but that was wrong, Ayden was my love.
i'm just emotionally attached to Eli. Or am i just emotionally attached to Ayden?
i racked my hands through my hair. life can be so damn confusing, and not to mention that my dad was out and about. i suddenly felt cold and alone.
my door pushed open, and i felt someone sit beside me.
"i realized, that if i left you alone, i'd be breaking my promise." Eli said.
i smiled, liking the fact he couldn't see.
"wee need to talk about it."
i turned to him and nodded.
"i liked it." i said.
he nodded, in agreement.
"but i feel like i'm letting Ayden go."
he nodded again.
"but they'd want us to be happy right?"
" maybe." he said, looking at his hands.
"then why does it feel like a piece of me is slipping away?"
he shook his head hard.
"look i'm gonna be okay. you can go home and think about it."
"good idea." he patted my shoulder and left.
i dug out Ayden's journal.
'i'm alone. i feel torn apart and there's no one i can tell....
i met someone. she makes me feel again. her names Scar. i wish i could be with her, but like normal i fell for the wrong person. i do that a lot do the wrong thing. she thinks i'm strange cause i wear a leather jacket even if it's hot. i didn't tell her it was cause i was hiding old and new scars, i also keep a razor blade in the inside pocket.....
i tied a noose. today's the day, i'm going to close my eyes forever... i just slept with Scar, it was magic. i love her. i put the noose in the box under my bed. i don't need it. if i do end up doing it i want her to date someone that will make her happy. really happy, and i mean it. if she closes her eyes forever, cause of the pain, i wouldn't blame her...'
i reached into the pocket and pulled out the blade.
i picked at the dried blood.
i got his box and there it was at the top. the noose he tied.
i picked it up in my hands.
my breathing came fast. i went to the bathroom, and put the noose on the counter.
i lifted up Ayden's sleeve and brought the blade down on my clean wrist.
i wrote sorry on the mirror in blood. i rapped a towel around my wrist and picked up the noose, and left.
i stood in front of my old house. A dark place that made me feel so much pain.
the door was unlocked, and i went to Ayden's room. there was a fold up chair, in the room and nothing more.
the house had been cleaned out.
i looked out the window.
my jaw clenched as i saw Cassie, Jake, and Beth, crossing the street.
i closed and locked the door.
i went back to the window, that i had climbed out of so many times.
there where two windows, this one, and the one to the side, where his bed was.
i heard yelling but i didn't really pay attention.
"Found her!" Jake yelled pounding on the door.
"open the door!" Beth begged.
"Don't do this, we need you!" Cassie said.
i closed my eyes.
"That's it, i'm calling Eli." Beth said sounding far.
"good idea, hurry. open up Scarlett!" Cassie banged on the door.
I heard the yelling and banging on the door, as i stood by the window in the empty room.
no matter how loud the banging and yelling got i didn't open the door.
they screamed for me to open the door, and stop.
the other window slid open.
"Don't do this." my best friend said, climbing through it.
"why?" my voice sounded dead.
"this wont solve anything." he said.
"yes it will, you know it will."
"Scarlett."
i took the rock i hand in my hand and hit it on the window, making it break.
i grabbed a sliver and turned to my sanity.
"don't come to me." i said, holding the sliver of glass to my neck.
"whoa, calm down."
"you don't understand no one does."
"yes i do."
"lies. your lying to me."
"just put the glass down listen to my voice."
"why should i no one cares. it's so easy just one little slice."
"so you can bleed to death in pain?" Eli asked.
i looked at him annoyed, remembering what he told me.
"fine i'll just." i grabbed the rope i had.
"whoa where'd you get that?"
i put the noose on a hook, that was on the roof.
"Scarlett."
"drop it Eli, i'm doing this."
"what will it solve! i know you have problems we all do."
i got on the chair, and put my head through the loop, testing it.
i tossed the glass, and stood at the edge of the chair.
"Scarlett." Eli said, hand held out.
he Swallowed.
"i'm sorry i failed you, Eli." I whispered.
i closed my eyes and stepped off the chair.
Eli, lunged at me. he yanked on the rope causing it to break free.
"Why did you do that?" i Screamed, pushing him away from me.
"I was so close to being with him, why'd you do it!" i screamed, tears running down my face.
"Listen to me."
"i was this close to happiness why would you take that away from me?"
i sat on the floor in the corner.
"i don't feel good."
Eli came too me.
i fought him, as he lifted up the sleeves.
"Shit, Jake!"
the door flew open and i looked up into Blake's face.
good, he's better.
I heard the sick sound of the soaking wet rag when Eli tossed it to the floor.
"give me the box. get out of here, i don't know if she's going to make it."
"I'm staying." Blake said as everyone left.
"fine, talk to her keep her awake." Eli said, tearing through a first aid kit.
"hey." Blake said, taking my hand.
"i tried to kill myself."
"i know, and it was stupid."
"Blake." Eli warned.
"your hurting me." i said.
"I know." Eli said, as he tried to stop the bleeding.
Blake took the noose from my neck and tossed it.
"Beth, call 911!" Eli said.
"Blake."
"yeah?"
"you have to promise to not hurt or kill yourself if i don't make it."
"Your going to make it, Right Eli?" Blake sounded like a scared little kid.
"I Don't know Blake." He said.
"Promise." i said.
"i promise." Blake said, starting to cry.
"there on the way." Beth said.
"She doesn't look to good." Cassie said.
"it's cause she's dying." Eli said, ripping open another bag.
"No, no, no, Scarlett, stay with me. wake up Scarlett." Blake said, Shaking my shoulders.
"Don't you'll send her into shock." Eli said.
Had he done this before?
Darkness slowly consumed me, and my breathing slowed.
when i woke up there was a loud annoying beep.
Jake, Cassie, Blake, and Beth where everywhere asleep.
Eli was face down on my bed, holding my good hand.
i keened him in the head.
He woke up.
"yes!" he said, kissing my forehead.
"i finally know how my mom, felt when i woke up." a tear slid down his face. "and how joey felt when he jumped."
"where's Lee?"
"coffee run."
""i'm sorry." my voice sounded horse.
"Me too." he said.
"For what?"
"this."
he stood up and pressed his lips to mine.
his lips where soft and warm, which made me smile.
it was one of those eating chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven moment.
Something you could sink everything into and it felt so right. i put my hand on his neck, wanting him to stay there.
one of his hands rested on the top on my head, and the other cupped my chin.
as his tongue slipped in, i combed my fingers through my hair.
"Ahem."
Eli jumped back, and i stared wide eyed.
"Glad your up." Blake said.
"Eli."
"I know." he said, leaving.
"Come here." i said.
Blake walked to me like a shy scared little kid.
"Some role model huh?" i asked.
"Your still my role model. Even the brave fall down sometimes."
" I almost fell down permanently."
"Stop it." he whispered, wiping at a tear.
"you going to be okay, Blake."
he took my hand, and i didn't flinch back.
"your okay now right?"
"no." i smiled.
"I mean, no more killing yourself stuff?"
"i promise."
"I'm holding you up to that."
Eli came back with Lee. as if smelling coffee, Cassie, Beth, and Jake woke up.
they didn't say anything about me trying to kill myself.
they started talking about random things like, the color of the curtains, to how hungry they where. the subject of trying to kill myself never came up.
i didn't know if i was relieved or scared.
i was able too go home soon after that.
i layed in my bed, as Eli looked up the house.
Lee was away on a job, and Eli was Paid to watch me. Yes Paid.
i rolled onto my side.
"all locked up."
He layed in front of me.
"you okay?"
"will you hold me?"
he held me to him.
"Ayden want's me to be happy."
"Yeah, Kammi told me that to, a week before you know."
"yeah."
i heard him swallow.
"I'm really scared."
"Don't be." he said, rubbing my back.
"how are you so strong?"
"I don't know." he laughed, once.
"When you kissed me."
"should we get together?"
"yeah, i mean should we, i don't know."
"do you want too?"
"yeah, but then i think of him, and i'm just like that's not fair."
"he feels no pain,"
"i know, but. am i ready to move on?"
"yes."
"how do you know?"
"Because you kissed me back. both times."
"wanna try for a third?"
he smiled down at me and pressed his lips to mine.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.07.2012

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Widmung:
if someone you know is cutting, don't leave them. they aren't doing it for attention, there might be things that they don't tell you. don't yell at them, it could push them over the edge. if you think someone is self hurting themselves pay close attention, you might just save a life. Don't get frustrated with them. just like my sister said, cutting is like a drug.