Meagan

My world seems to have stopped. Burying my babies is the worst torture that anyone could put my through. All those hours spent in the DarkRoom were nothing compared to these few short minutes.
It’s the first time that we’re allowed out on the yard, and already this place is tainted with the memory of something so painful, I never want to come out here again.
Julie and Aron are here, standing to my left. Belle is holding my hand, tears streaming down her face.
I’m leaning against Mathew, sobbing unto his chest. Marc, one of the Viper that’s attending the funeral, places two boxed into the hole, and then someone starts shoveling dirt on top of them.
Julie and Aron leave after a couple minutes, taking Belle with them. Mathew stays for about an hour, and then leaves to make dinner for Belle. I can’t move, so I sink to my knees, grab a handful of dirt in each hand, and press my forehead against the ground. My tears water the soil, creating tiny puddles of mud.
After a few minutes, I sit back on my heels, and I think about my children. “You would have loved your uncle Jack,” I tell the ground. I only hope they can hear me. “But he was killed, so I guess you wouldn’t have known him anyway. But he would have loved you guys so much, if he’d been given the chance.
“Julie would have taken such good care of you guys, helped me out so much, and she would have loved you so, so much. And Belle… I don’t know what I’d do without her. She would have been a great big sister.
“And then there’s Mathew. He and I don’t get along very well, but I know how would have loved both of you so much. He’s a good father to Belle, even though Collin is her real dad. I know that he would have been just as great to you guys.” I take a deep, shuddering breath. “There’s so much that you could have seen, that you would have done.”
I start to stand. “I don’t really know what else to say right now.” I look up and blow two kisses toward the sky. “I love you guys.”
I start to walk back to the building. I know that as soon as I get inside, dozens of Azuli will be waiting to go outside. The Warden told me that he would wait until I got inside before letting everyone else out into the new yard.
I take the elevator to the sixth floor of the Academy, wander through the halls, not seeing anything.
I finally get to my apartment, where I see Mathew sitting at the table, his head resting on his arms. His shoulders shake, and I know that he’s crying. I don’t see Belle, so I know she must be with Julie.
I met Julie when I was pregnant with Belle, and she was pregnant with Aron, about nine years ago. We are the only two Azuli to ever get pregnant, even though the Academy spent lots of time and money for an experiment on Azuli breeding. I was part of the experiment, and had to marry my brother’s best friend.
I tried to escape from the Academy, failed, and was forced to relocate to Floor Six, where I was married to Mathew.
Mathew lifts his head up and sees me. His eyes are red and his face is blotchy. I immediately look away from him. I’ve hurt him too many times.
Belle is the only one of my children that has survived after birth. For some reason, my body has killed all four of Mathew’s children. Collin is Belle’s dad, the only man who I’ve ever actually loved.
Mathew calls my name, and I look over at him. “Meagan, please. I need you right now.” I step into his arms, and instantly, I’m relieved. Mathew and I have hardly spoken in the past few months, but his arms comfort me.
I don’t know how long we sit together, holding each other. But eventually, Julie comes to drop Belle off.
“Goodnight, Mommy,” Belle says, and gives me a hug. “Goodnight, Daddy.” He kisses her forehead and we watch as Julie leads her to her room. After Belle is tucked in, Julie comes and sits at the table.
“Meagan, I want you to promise me something. You have to promise me something. You have to promise me that you won’t disappear again, like you did when you lost the other baby. Belle needs you, and we all love you and it hurts to see you looking so… broken.” She grabs my hand in both of hers and looks into my eyes. “Do you understand?”
I sniffle and nod my head. I know that if I try to say anything, I’ll burst into tears again.
“Okay.” She gets up and leaves without saying anything else. What is there to say?

Belle

I don’t like to see my mom cry. In fact, I hate it. But she’s been crying for a really long time. I’ve been watching her out the window, trying to figure out how to help her. I sniffle and wipe away my own tears.
I don’t like to see my mom cry.
Julie comes up to me and takes my hand. She leads me to her room. I came in with them, but left to see my mom. I guess she thinks it’s time for me to go now. We go to their room and wait and wait. Finally, Julie stands up. “Aron, I want you to stay here. I’ll be back soon.” She grabs my hands and leads me through the halls.
We get back to my room and Mommy and Daddy sitting at the table. I go up and give them each a hug. “Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy.” Julie walks me over to my bed in the corner. I fall asleep really soon, because today made me really tired.
In the morning, I sit up and pull my curtain open. Mommy is at the table, a cup of coffee in her hand.
As soon as she got back from her visit at Marc’s house, she demanded that the Academy give her coffee. I think she’s addicted.
I don’t say anything when I go to hug her. She tried to pull me into her lap, even though I’m too old for that now. But I’m too sad to care.
After a few minutes, she stands up. “Do you want to go with me to see Marc?”
I jump out on her lap and nod. I love Marc. He likes to pay my head and tell me how cute I am.
We go down the halls in silence. I don’t know what to say, probably wouldn’t say it even if I did.
We get to the window that my mom always meets Marc at. He’s already there, and he has a sad look on his face.
“Hey,” Mommy says. He nods, and looks back out the window.
“How are you doing this morning?” She shrugs.
“Better than last time. I mean, I’m actually talking today. Last time, I didn’t talk for months. I guess I’m just stronger this time.”
Tears start rolling down her face. She lets go of my hand and wipes the tears from her face. After a couple seconds, Marc opens her arms. She steps into them, and he holds her while she cries.
I sit on the ground and bring my knees to my chin. This isn’t what I expected would happen when we came to see him.
After a while, Marc’s watch beeps. He presses a button and releases my mom. “I have to go. Do you want me to come by after I’m done with work?” She shakes her head and takes a deep breath that shakes her whole body.
“No, that’s okay. I’ll be fine. I have Belle to help me.” She smiles down at me and reaches for my hand. I stand up and grab it. She squeezes it tight.
He nods. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He crouches down and gives me a hug. “Take care of your mom, okay?” he whispers.
I nod, but I still don’t say anything. He’s scared that she’ll do something bad.
We get back to our apartment and Mommy starts brushing my hair. I close my eyes. It feels really good. “Mommy, will you tell me a story?” She thinks for a while before she starts talking.
She tells me a story about her and Uncle Jack when they were little. “It was two weeks before Jack left for the Academy. We were having a party. It was sort of a birthday party for both of us, since our birthdays are so close. But it was really a going away party for Jack.”
She’s quiet as she gathers all my hair together. “Jack and I agreed that we were going to make it memorable.” She talks about parties in the New World, and how you don’t usually have parties unless it’s a retirement party or an Azulate is being taken away.
“At Azulate parties, kids usually cause a lot of trouble. It makes sense. You’ll be leaving soon, so you have nothing to lose. Jack and I…” She laughs, remembering. “We had fun.”
Her laugh breaks up some of the sadness that’s hanging around the place. It’s like sunshine, showing through thunder clouds after a storm.
She finishes telling me her story and then she turns me around and kisses my forehead. “I love you, Belle.”
“I love you too, Mommy.” She pulls me close to her and hugs me tight.
I go to play with my toys for a while and Mommy goes into her room. The door is closed tight. I’m not supposed to go in there.
After a while, it’s time for me to go to Dr. Pender’s office. I stand up and sigh. I hate going in there.
I walk down the halls by myself. When I get to the office, I don’t bother knocking. I never do. Dr. Pender and the other scientists stand around a little desk with a chair and a blank piece of paper.
“Welcome back, Belle,” says one. I glare at him, and go to sit in the chair. “Now, let’s see if you can draw us a Memory today. What do you say?” I roll my eyes. It doesn’t matter what I say, I have to do it anyway. I hate this place.
For a couple weeks now, they’ve been trying to get me to draw a Memory. Before, they ran all kinds of tests to see if I was any different than everyone else. If my body worked in a weird way.
But now they just want Memories. When I don’t close my eyes, they jab me with their sticks. They shock me. I have bruises on my arms. But they don’t know everything, not yet. In all the time that they tried to find out how I work, they didn’t find out everything.
I can draw a Memory with my eyes open or closed. I can decide. But I never draw Memories for them. Sometimes I draw with my eyes open. They tell me when to have them open or closed. It is doesn’t work the way they want it to, they shock me.
I hate this place.
Instead of accepting that I won’t give them Memories, they keep shocking me. But they don’t know my secret. I didn’t tell them that I can see Memories. For all they know, I could just be a regular person, Memory free. But they don’t care.
I don’t show Mommy my bruises. I know it will make her sad. So I’m careful and don’t bump my arms on anything. She hasn’t suspected anything yet.
After a long time, Dr. Pender tells me I can go. She grabs all the paper that I used into a pile and throws it away. It fills the small trash can.
The doctors all write in their notepads and then clean up their stuff. I open the door and Mommy is there, waiting.
“Come on, Belle,” she says sadly. “Let’s go see Julie and Aron.” Her eyes are red and her face is swollen. I squeeze her hand.
We walk down the stairs holding hands. We get to Floor Four. Usually, I would start running to their room, but not today. I stay with Mommy.
Julie is surprised to us. I know by the way her face lights up when my mom walks in. I go play with Aron in the corner. In a little while, I’m able to hear my mom crying.
“Did you draw a Memory?” Aron asks me. I shake my head. Aron is the only one who I’ve told about my Memories. I think Mommy knows, though. He nods. “I didn’t either.”
I laugh. It’s out joke, even though it’s not really funny. Aron can’t see the Memories. He’s told the doctors this, but every couple days they try again.
Aron and I play together for a little more than an hour. He does most of the talking, just like always.
Mommy and Auntie Julie tell is it’s time for dinner. We all go to Floor Six. Mommy doesn’t want to cook, so we go to the cafeteria. Julie watched her closely, makes sure she eats all her food.
I look around the big room until I see Marc. I smile at him and then look back to my food. As I take the last bite, I see Marc heading over to the table.
“How are you doing?” he asks Mommy. She just pushed her food around on her plate. She looks so sad.
“She’s going okay,” answers Aunt Julie. “I think she’ll probably go to bed early tonight, though.”
Marc nods. He stays and talks for a few minutes, and then leaves. Mommy and I go to our apartment. Julie and Aron go to their room.
Everyone looks so sad.
My mom goes to bed almost right away. I play with my toys until Daddy gets home.
He comes through the door and I run into his arms. “Sorry I’m home so late,” he says. He looks around the small room. “Where’s your mom?” I point to the door to the bedroom and he nods. “It was probably a long day for her.”
He tries to hide it, but I know he’s sad too. “I’m gonna go to bed.” He kisses my forehead, and then he carries me to his bed.
“Goodnight, Daddy.”
“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

For the next two weeks, my mom and dad get a little better, slowly. I know it still hurts them, but they move on. There are less tears, less breakdowns. More talking. Slowly, things go back to normal.
But that means that Mommy and Daddy ignore each other more. They both talk more, but not to each other. When they aren’t sad anymore, they don’t need each other. So they don’t talk to each other.
I still go to Dr. Pender’s office each day. They keep trying to make me draw a Memory. But I won’t.
I can’t.
I don’t know why I feel this way. But for some reason, I don’t think it’s a good idea for them to know that I can see the Memories. If they know, they’ll never give up.
The bruises on my arm have gone away, but there’s a bump on each arm instead, along with an ugly scar. They hurt, and then I get shocked, they burn for a long time.
That’s why I won’t draw them a Memory. I can’t.
During those two weeks, I stay inside. Aron keeps asking me to go outside with him, but I always say no. When I think of the yard, I think about the brother and sister that I had.

Meagan

It’s getting better. I don’t hurt as much when I think of them. It still hurts, of course. It’s only been a couple weeks. But I’m better.
I’m walking down the hallway with belle to go see Marc. He’s helped me get through this. He knows what it’s like to lose his child, to never get to see her.
“Hey,” he says. I stand next to him at the window and face the yard. I’ve decided that I won’t cry today.
“Hi,” I say. He looks down at Belle. She’s rubbing her arms.
“Are you cold?” he asks her, and sits on his heels. He rubs his hands up and down on her arms, creating friction. She shakes her head and pulls away.
“I’m okay,” she tells him. I frown at the way she reacted. She loves Marc. But I don’t say anything. He just shrugs and stands up.
“Pretty soon, it’ll be perfect fishing weather.” He leans against the wall. “You’re really not supposed to fish. They don’t like it, and you can get into serious trouble if they catch you.” He smiles and I notice the mischief in his eyes. “If they catch you.”
“How did you get away with that, with your dad working with the government?”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t. That was one of the reasons that he sent me to train to be a Vipero. But since I was fourteen or fifteen, a bunch of us boys would sneak out to the lake and go fishing. A couple guys had old fishing poles from their grandpas and great-grandpas, when fishing wasn’t illegal yet.
“But me? I just had a big stick with some string. We usually didn’t catch anything. There aren’t many fish left, which is one of the reasons why we’re not supposed to fish. But it was fun just to relax by the lake and talk with the boys.”
He closes his eyes, remembering. “When was the last time you went fishing?”
He laughs. “The last time I went fishing was two days before I left for training. My dad followed us. He said he wouldn’t turn my friends in that time, but every day, at a random time, he’d send someone to the lake to make sure they hadn’t gone back.”
I think about that. Why did his dad spare the kids? When I ask Marc, he just shrugs. “I never asked him. Technically, he could still turn them in. So I don’t mention it, in case he decides to do it now.”
I nod. I guess it makes sense. “Do you think you’ll go fishing ever again?”
Once again, he shrugs. “I don’t know. I want to. It’s so calm and peaceful, and you can just think and figure things out.” She shakes his head, getting rid of the mental picture.
“But, I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance. I have four years left here, and then after that I have to find another job. I can be a Vipero out there, or I can sign another contract to be here.” He looks out the window. “I was so young, I didn’t get a chance to be trained in any area besides law enforcement. So I really have no choice.”
I nod. He has a wife, he must make sure that she has all she needs. “You’re not a kid anymore. You have responsibilities now that you didn’t have before. You don’t have time for that kind of stuff, especially if it’s illegal.”
He nods. “Exactly.”
We don’t talk for very much longer. Marc has to go to work, and I take Belle back to the apartment. She goes to her “room” and closes the curtain. I shake my head. She needs a bedroom.

When Belle goes to Dr. Pender’s office, I go downstairs to visit the Warden. I know he probably won’t be very sad to see me. But I don’t care. I knock on the door and wait. When he doesn’t answer, I knock again. I hear shuffling on the inside, and then he comes to the door.
“Oh. I had a feeling it was you.” He simply turns around and walks back to his desk, the open door the only indication that he’s inviting me inside. I follow him and take a seat in the chair.
“I want to ask if you can do something for me.”
He sighs and nods. “I figured that. Why don’t we just make a schedule. Each week I’ll set aside a time for you when you come in and tell me what great ideas you have for me.”
He’s being sarcastic, but he’s almost right. This office has become pretty familiar to me. “It’s about Belle. I feel like she isn’t getting the space and privacy that she needs. Her bedroom,” I use air quotes when I say the word bedroom, “is a tiny space with a bed and a curtain around it. She basically has no privacy at all.”
He shuffles through a few papers on his desk, silent. When he finds the one he needs, he leans back in his chair.
“We were just discussing Belle and Aron the other day.” He leans forward now. “You do realize that it’s very unusual for Azulate children to stay with their parents for this long, right?”
Is he really doing this?

“You do realize that it’s very unusual for Azuli to have children in the first place, right? And do you even have proof that they can see the Memories?” He looks over his piece of paper.
“Ah! It says right here.” He scans the paragraph and then looks back at me. “Azuli have a certain chemical in their blood that other humans do not have. We think it has something to do with the Memories. I do now have it, your mother does not have it.”
He puts the paper on the desk, instead of holding it in the air to read it. “You, of course, have it. So do Mathew and Julie. When we first started observing Aron and Belle, we found something interesting.”
I lean back against the chair. I just wanted a bedroom for my daughter.

I listen as he continues. “Aron and Belle both have this chemical. The amount that Aron carries is very small, almost insignificant. But we think that he might be able to see Memories sometimes.”
He folds his hands together. “Belle, though… Belle was interesting. We found the largest amount of this chemical in her blood than in any other Azulate’s in history.”
What?

“We’re not sure why this is so inconsistent. They both had two Azulate parents, so… What?” Without meaning to, I start shaking my head. “What’s going on?”
“Mathew isn’t Belle’s dad,” I say. “Her dad isn’t an Azulate. He’s a regular person.” The Warden frowns.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying. How could Mathew not be the father?” A creast runs down the middle of his forehead.
“Collin is her dad.”
He stares at me for a minute, still not understanding. “I don’t know who that is.” He wasn’t here nine years ago, so he has no reason to know who Collin was.
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. Ignore it.” But I know he won’t. “I just want to talk about Belle.”
I get a little scared. I feel like this visit has already backfired, and is going to backfire even more. He closes eyes for a second. “What do you want? And I’ll tell you what we talked about at the meeting.”
“I want a bedroom built for her. She only has a curtain. She has no privacy.”
“You don’t realize how spoiled she is, and how spoiled you are. She should be in a cell with another Azulate. Not in an apartment with her parents.”
I shake my head. He’s not really telling me this. Is he?

“We talked about it at our meeting a few days ago. We agreed to move them…” He looks at the paper, finds what he’s looking for, “next week.” His eyes meet mine over the top of the paper.
“No. She’s my daughter. I won’t let you take her away from me.”
He places his elbows on the desk, leans forward, and rubs his temples. His eyes are closed when he speaks. “Meagan. I don’t think you understand the situation. Do you have any idea how many thousands of parents have had to give up their children?”
I stand up and slam my hands down on the desk. “Most of those parents haven’t been through all that I’ve been through. Most parents haven’t been tortured for years. Most parents grew up in a home, not in this place. Most parents haven’t had everyone they love ripped from their lives. I need my daughter. I need her to help me get through the day. She’s all I have left.”
He shakes his head. “There’s nothing I can do. She and Aron must go to their own floor where they aren’t with their parents. That’s just how it is.”
“Do they have to go right away?” I know that if Belle is moved, I won’t be allowed to see her anymore.
He shakes his head. “No, not really. I can’t have them on a different floor and still have our team of scientists continue to observe them. I have to give them a chance to finish their stuff.” He pauses for a few minutes. “But once they are down there, they will be required to draw a Memory each day.”
He frowns. “Except for Aron. We’re not sure that he really does have the Memories. So unless he gives us a Memory before we stop with the observations, I don’t know what we’ll do with him.”
He goes on to list the options while I sit in silence. “We can keep him here, and treat him as an Azulate. Or we can send him out of the Academy. The only problem then would be finding someone to take care of him.” He clears his throat. “The third option that was proposed is that we treat him a Special.”
When they built the new Academy to make room for all the new Azuli, they added an entire floor for Specials . They perform the same kind of experiments on them, treat them just as badly as they always have.
I shake my head. “No. You can’t do that. You can’t punish these kids for being born a certain way. You already do it to hundreds of people every day. But I won’t let you do it to these kids.”
He nods. “I understand. I figured that you would react like this. But I must do something with them. What do you propose?”
I don’t give myself too much time to think. “You need to wait until I get pregnant.” He starts to nod, but I shake my head. “No. Wait until I give birth to a healthy baby.”
He nods and takes notes on a piece of paper. “Alright. I’ll have a meeting with the team about this. But I make no guarantees.” I stand up and turn around to leave. “Oh, and I’ll have you come by again later to talk about this Collin fellow.”
“What?” Collin? How does he know about Collin?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Did I say something about Collin?

He rolls his eyes. “You told me that Mathew is not Belle’s real father, that Collin is. You don’t remember this?” I shake my head. He shrugs. “Well, I want to hear this story. And why, in nine years, you never told us about this.”
I don’t say anything. I just step out and close the door. As soon as I hear the click, I lean against the wall. I sink down to the floor as the tears fall down my face.
I just lost two of my children. I don’t really have a husband anymore. They’ve taken away my brother, my parents, and the man I love. And now they want to take away my only living child?
And he knows about Collin now. If I don’t tell him the story, all he has to do is ask someone who’s been here a long time, or look at the old files. He’ll find out.
And then what will they do to Belle? What will happen to her once they know the truth about her father?

Impressum

Texte: Cassie Hoene
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 03.11.2012

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