Part 1

Chapter 1

“Penny, follow me please.” I look up from my hands to see Dr. Pender. Dr. Pender is by far my favorite employee of the Azuli Academy. Although she works for an evil employer, I suspect that her heart is good.
I get up and follow her down the hall. I still haven’t gotten used to the layout of Floor 6, which is so different from my old living space, Floor 1. I was transferred when I had tried to escape, after being raped by my husband.
Confused? Well, if you are, then you obviously haven’t read the first book. I’ll try to explain things as I go, but it may serve you better to read about Carl, Jack, and how I met Collin.
I guess you could say that Collin is my boyfriend, but that’s not exactly right. My first love, yes. The man I want to marry, of course. But boyfriend? No way. At the age of fifteen and a half, I’ve been imprisoned, married twice, raped once, gotten pregnant, and miscarried. Collin was there through it all, and along the way, I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. Unfortunately, after today, I’ll never see him again. See why I can’t call him my boyfriend?
I’m on my way to see him now. My heart is racing, pounding so hard that I fear it might break a rib. It’s been a week since I’ve seen him, and a lot has changed. When I last saw him, he was being dragged away from me as punishment for beating Carl, my first husband. It’s been six days since I tried to escape and five days since I was relocated to the sixth floor. Four days ago, I was married to Mathew, and three days ago my unborn baby died. Later that day, I was pregnant again, thanks to the pestering of some very persistent scientists. Last night, I discovered that once again, my baby had died.
But I’m going to forget all of that for now. Right now, I need a quiet place where I can sink into Collin’s arms. As much as I want this, I highly doubt that it will actually happen.
We reach a long hallway with unmarked doors on each side. When Dr. Pender stops at one of them, I discover that for once, my pessimistic assumption was wrong. “You guys have two hours, and then we will send someone to collect you,” says Dr. Pender with a wink. Then she turns and leaves. I stand, facing the door for a couple seconds, and then I push it open.
I had expected a dark room, but that’s not what I find. Instead, it’s a small room that looks like a nice dorm. It is similar to the cells on Floor 1, but only in the fact that there are two beds and an end table in between. The room is a little bigger than the cells, and there is a dresser against one wall. Against the other is a table with two chairs. They even have a closet.
Sitting at the table is Collin. He stands as I enter, and holds his arms wide as I step into them. He seems to have grown, but it could just be because I haven’t seen him in so long. His strong arms go around my shoulders, and I allow myself to enjoy this small amount of pleasure.
“This has been the longest week of my life,” he breathes into my hair.
“You’ve had it easy,” I say, trying to tease him, but thinking about everything that’s happened causes me to choke up. “I’m married again. So far, he’s much better than Carl. He doesn’t seem pleased with this situation, either. I also found out that I was pregnant. Once with Carl’s baby, and again with Mathew.” I let out a small sob. “They’re both gone now.” I dissolve into tears and he hugs me tighter.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Penny. I wish I could be there for you still. But I can’t. They’re moving me. There’s been an increase of Azuli births the last couple years, so they’re building a new facility a few miles from here. They’ll move half the Azuli and employees over there. Because you’re here, they’ve moving me. My chances of ever seeing you after today are almost nonexistent.”
I smile a sad smile up at him. “Then let’s make the best of the situation,” I say, and pull his face towards mine.
Almost two hours later, I’m tangled up in a mess of sheets and human limbs. His skin is hot against mine, and he’s simply staring into my eyes.
“I don’t like your new face.” He strokes my cheek, which is still tender from the plastic surgery that was performed as soon as I got to Floor Six.
“What do I look like?” I ask him. I try to conceal my emotions. I don’t feel like me, not with this face. It doesn’t really make sense, even to me. But even if my hands aren’t touching my face, I can feel that it’s different. It scares me. I have to leave my entire life behind, again. I already did it once when I was five. But at least then, I got to keep my own face.
“Your eyes are green now. With your red hair, it looks nice. But the blue ones were so pretty, and it was like looking into a clear pool of water. Your eyelashes are still the same, like a starry night. Your nose is shorter and it isn’t turned up anymore. Freckles are scattered all across your cheekbones and nose, making you look much younger. All the scars are gone, including the one on your lip. Your lips are fuller, and much more defined. Your jawline is very distinctive now.” He leans back. “You look perfect. Too perfect, actually. I miss your little scars and your blue eyes. You look like a model now. Someone who’s been altered to fit someone else’s standards. Not my Penny.” He sighs. “Why did they change you?”
I shrug, trying to act like it’s not a big deal. But by the look on his face, I know that Collin can see through me. He knows that I’m sad and angry, and a little scared of the future. “They said it was to keep anyone from knowing that it’s me. If they’re sick or something, and need to come up here. But I liked my old face better. This one doesn’t belong to me.” I grab my hair, which used to be brown. “They also somehow changed the hair color. It’s not dyed, I know that. It’s something with the pigments. And they’re making me wear these extensions until my hair grown longer.” I sigh. “They’re also making me change my name. It’s like they’re trying to take away every aspect of my old life. Tomorrow, I’m going in to have my frame changed. Not a whole lot, but a little.”
“Why? I love your name. And your body’s perfect,” he kisses my neck, “in every way.”
“I don’t know, Collin. But I get to choose my name. What should I choose?”
“Tabitha,” he says, and then starts laughing. “No, never. That’s a horrible name for someone like you. How about Meagan?”
“Meagan,” I say, trying it out. “I like it. I’ll have to let Dr. Pender know.” I smile up at him, and then remember our time limit. “As comfortable as I am right now,” I say, nuzzling a little closer to him, “I have to get dressed. They’ll be here to get me soon.” We stay under the blanket for another minute, and then I sit up. As we’re getting dressed, I feel something.
It would be much too soon, so I know it’s just my imagination. Still, I feel something move against the inside of my belly. I don’t know how, but I know that there’s another small human being growing inside me. I’m determined to keep this one alive.
“Collin,” I say. “If you had a daughter, what would you name her?” My hand is on my stomach as I turn to face him, and he instantly takes the hint.
“Jeez, Penny,” he says, placing his hand over mine. “You sure?” I nod. He looks at my stomach, imagining the small form inside. “You’ll be extremely sick. Not just from morning sickness. But this many pregnancies in such a short time will wear on your body. It’s a wonder that you can still stand.” He keeps one hand on my midsection and pulls me into him with his other arm. It’s an awkward position, but also very comforting. I know that I’ll be safe as long as I have part of him with me.
There’s a knock on the door, and he pulls away. “In a second,” he calls out, and pulls his shirt on. He hadn’t gotten it on before I started talking. “I’ve always liked the name Belle,” he says quietly. “It’s such a beautiful name.” He pulls me to him and kisses me, and we stay like that until the door is forced open. “Goodbye, Penny. I love you.”
I walk down the hall with the Vipero and try to make conversation. I need something to take my mind off of Collin for a while. “How do you like your job?” I ask him. He merely shrugs, so I ask another question, hoping to get a few words from him. “Do you have a family at home?” He nods. “I guess I’m supposed to be starting my own pretty soon. What’s your favorite part of being a parent?”
His eyes gleam, and his lips turn up at the corners. “Holding them for the first time. They’re so perfect and uncorrupted. It gives you hope, you know? It gives you hope that maybe, once day, the world won’t be like this. It might seem wrong for me to say that, since I’m here enforcing their cruel laws. But that’s how I feel.”
I nod. “There’s definitely a chance. It wasn’t always like this. There was a time when you could choose the amount of kids you have, and in some countries, you could vote for the president. He was the ruler of the country,” I say, in case he doesn’t know. “It really was a great world, in some parts. People were free.”
By now, we are close to my room. “Is there really hope that it won’t always be like this?” he asks. I nod and he smiles. “Thanks for letting me know,” he says, and walks away. I take a deep breath and then open the door. Mathew isn’t in here, and I let out a sigh of relief.
I’m having surgery tomorrow, so they’ll know that I’m pregnant. This means that I’ll have to make it look like it’s Mathew’s baby. But do I let him know that it’s really Collin’s? Or do I just tell him that I want to get this whole experiment over with, so let’s get it on? I’m still wondering what to do when he walks in.
“Hey, Penny,” he says. “You hungry? They’re making hamburgers for dinner.” If you’ve read the first book, you’ll know that the food on the lower floors was pretty bad. Half the time, it looked like mush. Except for when our parents were there, it seemed inedible. But on Floor 6, just the smell of the food fills my stomach.
“I actually have something to tell you,” I say. He sits down on the bed. “So you know that I went to see Collin today, right?”
“Yeah. Did you have a good time?” In the week that I’ve known Mathew, I’ve learned a few things about him. The first is that when he talks about having a good time, he doesn’t mean anything sexual. He merely wants to know if I had fun. It would make sense, because you usually have fun around your friends. Even though I know he doesn’t mean it in that way, I feel heat rush to my cheeks.
“Actually, I did. That’s, um, kind of the problem. We may have had a little too much fun.” I mumble this, but he hears every word. It takes him a minute to understand my meaning. When he gets it, he remains silent. “And I don’t know for sure, but I’m almost positive that I’m pregnant.”
He nods. “We’re going to have to make sure that we keep this one alive. I know that you’ll want to keep a child of his.” It’s my turn to nod, and I can’t look him in the eye.
“But that’s not the only thing. They can’t know that it’s Collin’s. They have to think that this baby belongs to you.”
“Oh,” he says. He looks at the bed, which has a censor. I don’t know exactly how it works, but somehow the Academy is able to tell exactly when we… uh… yeah. If I’m going to keep the father’s identity a secret, then Mathew and I have to make it look like it’s his.
“Sorry to make it awkward,” I say, looking at the floor. “You know I wouldn’t do this to you if it wasn’t extremely important to me. If they find out that she is Collin’s baby, I don’t know what they’ll do to her. I can’t let anything happen to this baby.”
Several minutes later, he’s leaving the room while I finish getting dressed. I don’t feel good about making him do that. I know that he hates the experiment just as much as I do. So making him do that for me makes me feel like a horrendous human being.
But I would feel even worse if I let something happen to this baby. I think about what Collin said about being sick, and I nod to myself. This will be difficult.
The next morning, I wake up puking over the side of the bed. Why am I already puking? It’s too early for me to be having morning sickness.

The noise wakes Mathew, who looks at me with pity. “I guess it’s a good thing that you sleep on the outside of the bed,” he says, and then reaches over to grab my hair and pull it away from the mess.
When I’m finally done puking, he helps me sit up. I lean against him and he wraps his arms around me. He looks over at the mess. “I just hope you didn’t throw up the baby,” he jokes, and I force myself to laugh.
A couple hours later, I am in the doctor’s lab being examined before even more surgery is performed on my body. “Penny, it looks like you’re pregnant,” he says. He walks around the table that’s under me. “This means that we can’t reshape your body for another nine months.” He starts speaking rapidly, making no effort to show his enthusiasm. “Unless we remove the fetus from the womb. Then we can place it in the lab and help it grow, and wait only a few days for the surgery.” He goes on to explain the scientific breakthroughs that could happen, and I stop him.
I know that he is talking mostly to himself, but I still have to voice my thoughts. “Um… doctor?” He snaps his head around to look at me. “Can we please just leave the baby as it is? No removing anything, no injecting anything, or any of that. I want to look at her and know that science had nothing to do with her being born, with her turning out however she turns out. I want to be confident in the knowledge that she is my daughter, not the victim of some stupid science experiment.” He overlooks the small insult and nods reluctantly.
“Very well,” he says. “But so that the baby actually does survive, you’re being put on bed rest for the next two weeks. If by then, we feel that there is enough of a foundation there, then you can continue life as you have been. At the first sign of trouble, you’re going back on bed rest.” He looks at the ground and then back up at me. “If there’s still a big risk at the end of the two weeks, you’re going back on bed rest until further notice.” I nod in agreement, and then walk back to my room, where I sit on my bed.
I wait there, knowing that soon, someone will come in to talk to me about the rules of bed rest. I don’t have to wait too long before Dr. Pender walks in and sits at the small table in the corner.
“Have you chosen a name for yourself?” she asks me.
I shake my head. “I did not choose. I let someone that I love choose my name for me.” She glances at me with a questioning look. I know that she’s wondering why I don’t just tell her the name. “I’m telling you this so that you’ll know who I am. I am someone who won’t give up my past. You may try to separate me from all I’ve ever known, but you will never take away the knowledge that I have, or the person that I am. I won’t let you take that away from me.” I don’t know why I’m telling this to Dr. Pender. Besides Collin, she probably knows me better than anyone else. She’s familiar with all of my moods and most of my thoughts.
Still, she seems puzzled for a second. Then her expression changes to one of exhaustion. “Just tell me the name that you, or whoever else, chose. I’ve got things to do and I don’t have time for your rambling today.”
“Meagan,” I say. “My new name is Meagan.”
“Alright. Now you’re on strict bed rest for the next two weeks. Someone will bring you food and water, and someone will come in to check and make sure that you don’t move out of the bed. I don’t even want you getting up to go to the bathroom. We will have a tube rigged up within the hour so you don’t have to worry about it. Okay?” I nod.
“That’s all I have for now. I’ll be back later. Right now, get some rest.” When she leaves, I crawl under the covers and fall into a deep sleep.
When I wake up, I’m glad that I’m on bed rest. My body feels so weak that I know I can’t move at all. I look around the room and I’m shocked to see Collin sitting at the table. “Collin?” I say, reaching for him. He stands and steps close to me, but the moment that his hand touches mine, he disappears. Great. Now I’m seeing things.

I sit up a little bit and look around again. After discovering that there is nothing for me to do, I sit and wait. No wonder I’m going crazy. When this is over, I’ll need a strait jacket.

“Hey, Pe-. I mean Meagan,” I hear a few minutes later. It’s Dr. Pender with a tray of food. “How are you feeling today?” She puts the tray down on the table and then takes out a pad of paper from her pocket. As I tell her that I can’t move and that I feel like puking, she writes it down. I do not, however, tell her about seeing Collin. That’s something that I want to keep to myself. I don’t even know if I’ll tell Mathew.
Dr. Pender gives me my meal and talks with me for a while. When I’m done eating, she gathers everything up and stands. “I’ll bring in some cards and books for you to pass the time. I’m afraid that there aren’t many interesting books left in this world, but I can try to find a couple that might entertain you a little. And if you want, I can teach you how to play some card games by yourself.” She smiles. “Right now, I have to go. Lots of reports to file. I’ll be back with your lunch, and hopefully something for you to do.” She leaves the room then. When the door clicks shut, Carl appears at the bottom of my bed.
“I don’t know why I did it. I’m sorry, Penny.” He turns to look at me, and then vanishes. I sink into my bed as much as I can. Since I’m already lying down and the mattress is pretty firm, I don’t sink very far. Even though he’s gone, and I know he wasn’t really there in the first place, a cold sweat breaks out all over my body and I shudder. The one part of my old life that I’m willing to let go of followed me here and refuses to release its grip on my mind.
The rest of the day is extremely boring. Dr. Pender brings me in some books and a deck of cards, but I soon grow tired of them. So far, the only friend that I have on this floor is Mathew. Although he is an Azulate, he has been assigned tasks while he’s living on Floor Six.
Life in the sixth floor is very different from life on the residential floors. On Floor One, there is almost never anything to do. You draw Memories for mere seconds, eat meals, and hang out in the cells. Besides that, there is nothing. Even prisons in the past had recreational activities, but the Azuli Academy has nothing.
In the sixth floor, everyone has a job. Although mine wasn’t officially assigned to me, my job is child-bearer. They have cooks and cleaners as well as doctors, scientists, and a few people that manage things on the main floors. Mathew cleans, and since so many people go to so many different rooms and hallways on this floor, he’s busy most of the day. The Assignments surprised me when I was transferred here. On other floors, Floor Six residents are seen as lazy, without a care in the world. After getting to know the system, though, I’ve learned that some of these employees haven’t had a day off in years.
Another surprise was the lack of Vipero. I’d always assumed that the Vipero live on Floor Six. In reality, their living quarters are below Floor One. They come to Floor Six about as often as the Azuli do.
Because schedules are so busy, I don’t have much time to make friends. And now that I’m on bed rest, it will become much harder. I suspect that I’ll become friends with the nurses that to check on me throughout my pregnancy, but I worry that those will be my only friends.
“Nonsense. You’ll make tons of friends. Just you wait.” The voice is coming from the corner, and it’s Jack. “You’ve always been a fun person to be around. I highly doubt that you’ll let that trait face away with your old appearance.”
He disappears then, and I feel tears running down my cheeks. “I miss you,” I say to Jack. I know he wasn’t really there, but saying something to him makes me feel much better.
That night, Mathew comes into the room with a strange look on his face. “Pen- Meagan, you wouldn’t believe the looks and comments I’ve been getting today.” Puzzled, I look at him with a frown on my face. “They think I’m some kind of hero or something just because I’m going to be a dad. Most of the guys here have kids, but for some reason I’m special. It’s not even my kid!”
“Calm down, Mathew,” I say, and pat the bed. “Come sit down. You’ve been working all day and need some rest.” He walks to the bed and looks into my eyes.
“How are you feeling today? The baby still in there?” I nod.
“Yes she is. I don’t know how I can be so positive about it, but I know she is. I just have a feeling, you know?” Now it’s his turn to nod. “But I have felt like puking all day. And my body feels so heavy, like my blood is made of lead. My head hurts, and I can hardly move. I hope this doesn’t last long, because it doesn’t feel great.”
We talk for a little while longer, but then we both go to sleep. Throughout the day, I develop a high fever, and as we go to bed, I shiver. Mathew climbs under the covers and wraps his arm around me. Instantly, I am warm.
“Thank you,” I murmur, and then drop off to a dark place full of sleep.
The next two weeks are much like the first day. The days are passed with reading, card games, and visits from various nurses and doctors. For the most part, it is Dr. Pender who comes to check on me. Sometimes, though, it is someone who I’ve never seen before.
I also pass the days talking to Collin and Jack, and cowering in the presence of Carl. Although a part of my mind knows that they aren’t really there, it feels so real. After a couple days, the hallucinations become so common that I am never alone.
On the last day of my confinement, Dr. Pender comes in to lead me to an examination room. “You won’t see much, but with the data from the ultrasound we’ll be able to tell several things about the pregnancy.”
Now I’m lying on the table as she puts some kind of blue gel on my stomach. “Here’s the camera, and you’ll want to watch the monitor.” She was right about one thing. I don’t see much. Still, it’s amazing to see someone that I created, someone that’s growing inside me, depending on me.
“Alright, that’s it,” she says after making a few notes and explaining certain things to me. “Your baby has a strong enough foundation now, so you don’t need to be on bed rest all day anymore. You need to take it easy, though, because it’s still risky. I want you in your room early each night, and you need to be resting ever moment that you can.” I nod. “You’re free to go. Can you find your way back?”
“I’ll figure it out,” I tell her, and head out the door. I’m in the hallway where all the doctors’ offices are, where you go when you’re sick. I see the end of the hallway a few doors down, but I don’t get there.
As I’m passing one of the doors, a teenage boy comes out and runs into me. “Ow!” I shout, and then stand, robbed of my ability to move or speak.
“Watch it! She’s got a baby to take care of!” says Dr. Pender, leaning her head out the doorway. I reach out to touch him, to make sure he’s not a hallucination. When my hand doesn’t go right through his arm, I know that he’s really there, and I gasp.
“Jack,” I whisper.
Before he registers that I said his name, I step around him and swiftly walk down the remainder of the hallway. As soon as I round the corner at the end, I press my back against the wall. A few minutes pass and Jack walks out of the hallway.
“How do you know me?” he asks. I shut my eyes, hoping that he is only a hallucination that will be gone when my eyelids part. I open my eyes, but he’s still there. I just shrug and once again move around him and walk away. When I look back at the spot where he’d been, I don’t see him.
I go to the cafeteria to get some lunch, and I end up sitting by myself. Well, I’m by myself for a while, until some girl walks up and sits next to me.
“Hi,” she says, and plops her tray down. “I’m Sarah. You’re… is it Meagan or Penny?” I reply that my name is Meagan, and she continues her introduction. “I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. Trying to escape the Academy? No one’s even attempted it before you came along. And then signing your whole life away, willingly, just so you can see your beloved one last time?” She giggles. “It’s so amazing! And now you’re carrying the child of your second husband! How do you do it all?”
“Well,” I say, not quite sure what to make of all this. “I don’t know. I just do, I guess. Now… how did you get this information? I wasn’t aware that my whole life had become everyone else’s business.” I had hoped that my past would be kept confidential, because I didn’t want to be treated differently or anything.
She seemed to read my mind and recognize my fear. “Oh, don’t worry. Not everyone knows your story. But Mathew’s my cousin, and so he’s told me all about you. He’s actually really worried about this baby. He keeps telling me that it’s super important to you.” She shrugs. “But I’m hoping that you being out here means that things are going well, right?”
“Yes, actually,” I answer. “Things are perfect. From what they could tell, things are exactly as they should be.” I didn’t actually know that as a fact, but I hoped that I was right.
I finish my pasta and throw away my tray. Sarah follows me out of the cafeteria. “How old are you?” I ask her.
“I’m fourteen. A little small for my age, but so are you. I have a feeling that we’ll be good friends.” It’s strange, but I feel the same way. Although she seems a little bit impulsive and exhausting, something about her intrigues me. And since she’s Mathew’s cousin, she’ll probably be around quite a bit anyway, so I might as well learn to like her.
We go to my room and for a little while, we just talk. After a couple hours, Sarah has to go do some things for her assignment, and I am once again alone. I decide that I’ve spent enough time by myself in the past two weeks, so I go to the rec room.
That’s another thing that surprised me. On Floor One, there’s not a single space dedicated to recreation, and the only assignments you are given last a few seconds. There’s nothing to do but sit and talk. On Floor Six, there’s a whole room dedicated to recreational activities. There’s TV’s, computers, and even a work-out section. Because I’m an Azulate, I’m not allowed to use the computer. I can play video games, work out, or watch TV. There are also board games, and plenty of other activities, but my favorite thing to do is sit and watch.
Sometimes, people will do crazy things if they think that no one is watching them. Because of this, sitting quietly in a corner while they carry on with their day provides me with plenty of entertainment. For the last couple weeks, though, I haven’t been able to do this. I walk into the rec room and go to my corner, where there’s a bean bag chair. I plop down and begin my observations.
One person is sitting on the couch, flipping channels on the TV. With his other hand, he’s searching for something up his nose. Gross. There’s a lady on the couch next to him, looking at the man with a disgusted expression. There’s a scientist at one of the tables, writing furiously in a notebook. He’s caught my interest, so I keep my eyes on him.
Every few seconds, he looks up to make sure no one is reading what he’s writing. He makes a special effort to cover it up. Because of this, I know it must be important. But if he’s so secretive about it, who not write the report in some office where no one else is around?
I watch him for a few hours, and the pen only stops when he must turn the page. Eventually, the number of people narrows as everyone heads to the cafeteria for dinner. After the last person leaves, I start to stand up, but sit back down when two men come in. I stay silent, hoping that they won’t notice me.
“…can’t believe we forgot about it. How does an entire team of scientists forget about this type of thing?” one of them mumbles. He takes a couple more steps and I realize that he’s the warden.
“Sir,” starts the man in the lab coat, “what are you talking about? There’s nothing that we forgot. This experiment was well thought-out and planned, and with the weddings, we killed two birds with one stone.” He looks confident, but his voice gives away his doubt. “What could we possible have forgotten?”
The scientist who I have been watching speaks up. “Every five years, we put a certain chemical into the food that makes all the females completely barren and unable to conceive.”
The Warden, being the man in charge, steps in. “All of the females that are married and are trying to have kids are completely unable to do so. We were supposed to put the chemical in tomorrow, which is how we remembered this. We will inform all those couples that they are unable to conceive, and we’ll just marry off the ones who haven’t had the chemical when they’re old enough.” He paces around the room, waving his arms in the air as if it will help convey the message to the scientist.
“But, sir, there’s still a problem,” says my scientist. It becomes a little clearer to me why he was writing for so long. He was probably doing calculations, not writing reports. He hesitates for a moment, then plows on as the warden looks at him with a murderous gaze. “The girl that tried to escape. She’s conceived three times. Taking the chemical into consideration, that’s physically impossible. And considering the fact that she was still able to stand after three pregnancies in one week, I’d say we’re dealing with something that we’ve never dreamed of seeing. Her body must have built immunity to the chemical instantly. Could this be a sign?”
“Dr. Jones,” starts the warden, “you are a scientist with years of schooling and education behind you. You are not a psychic. Do you really believe that there’s a sign? It must have been something in her immune system or something. It’s not a sign sent from some greater force to warn us that her children will be the downfall of this society. Figure out why her body rejected it, and see if you can duplicate it and give it to the other girls. If we can give the chemical to some of them, but keep some of them immune, then it will prevent us from having to raise an army of babies. Do you understand what your assignment is?”
The man nods, and the trio leaves the rec room. After a few minutes, when I know that the coast is clear, I leave and go into my room, no longer hungry for dinner.
I sit on my bed as I try to dissect what I just head. Why did my body reject the chemical? Is this a sign of who my child will be, what she will become? Or is there simply something wrong with me?
Mathew comes in a few minutes after me. “Congrats!” he exclaims. “You made it past two weeks!” He sweeps me into a big hug and then swings me around in a circle.
“Woah, hold on, Mathew. I want to make it past three,” I say as he puts me down. I put my hands on my stomach and look up at him in bewilderment. “I really made it,” I whisper.
Over the next two and a half months, I go through many tests, ultrasounds, and check-ups. Pretty much any time a doctor or scientist has any free time, he or she calls me in to their office. The whole team works separately, but shares their results, trying to find the scientific explanation of why my body rejected the chemical. So far, they have come up empty every time.
I still see Collin, Jack, and Carl regularly. I often wake up in the middle of the night to see one of them sitting at the table. When I am alone, I talk to them. Collin and Jack help me get through the day. When I see Carl, though, it’s all I can do to not cower in a corner.
Right now, Dr. Pender is taking me down to Floor 2, because they found another girl whose body rejected the birth control. She’s been pregnant for about one month. I am going to talk to her, see if she has any questions. Besides the fact that she was able to conceive against all laws of nature, there’s another problem with this girl. She wasn’t one of the Azuli that was selected for marriage. She won’t tell who the father is, and finding out will be another one of my jobs when I talk to her.
We walk down the halls that look so familiar. Even though it’s been a couple months since I was on Floor One, ten years of memorizing the repeating patterns imprinted the images in my brain. As we’re walking, Jack appears next to me.
“Sure looks familiar. They even have D7 and D8 connected,” he says. I look to my right, and I realize that he’s right. The floors are exactly the same. I say a quick prayer that no one is stupid enough to fall for the same trick that I fell for with the joined rooms.
We head into one of the DarkRooms, where a small girl waits. She doesn’t look a day older than twelve, but I know that she must be older than that. I sit down in the chair across from her and she looks up from her lap.
“Hi. I’m Pe-. I mean Meagan. I’m from Floor Six. Let’s start with your name.” She hesitates, and I get a chance to really look at her. She’s got long brown hair that curls at the ends. There’s a scar on her left eyebrow and her bottom lip. Her eyelashes are long and full, and her nose is a little small for her face. She has a square jaw and full lips. Her arms and legs are long, and she sits up straight in her chair. One leg is crossed over the other and her hands are held in her lap. Overall, she’s a very beautiful girl. Based on her appearance, I’m not surprised that someone risked punishment just to be with her.
“I’m Julie,” she says. “I’m one month and one week along. So far, there haven’t been any problems with anything.” She goes on to talk about the morning sickness that has passes, and other things that Dr. Pender asks her. After Dr. Pender has gotten all of the information that she needs, she excuses herself.
Julie looks at me and smiles a shy smile. “It’s so good to know that I’m not all alone,” she admits. “For a couple weeks, I was so scared that I would be alone with this thing. But you’re here.” She takes a deep breath and smiles again.
“It’s good to meet you too. I was also worried that I would have to go through all of this all by myself. Did they explain to you about the chemical?” She nods. “You and I will be very important to the doctors and scientists until they get new girls who haven’t been stripped bare.”
She nods slowly. “I’m just worried about my baby. What kind of experiments will be performed on it? Will it have any chance of a normal life?”
I snort. “A normal life? Here? Yeah right.” It’s silent for a couple minutes as we think about all the things that happen here. “Well, do you have any questions for me? Or anything that you want to tell someone? I promise that everything you say to me is confidential. I won’t tell anyone.”
“My first question has nothing to do with the pregnancy. But… they told me that you’re an Azulate. So why are your eyes green?”
I laugh. “Well, I tried to escape from the Academy. My route was a trap, though, and I was caught. The reason that I tried to run in the first place was because of the stupid experiment, but it was made worse when I was raped. They didn’t exterminate me because they ran some tests and discovered that I was pregnant. They wanted to keep the baby. I live on Floor 6 now, but they changed my appearance so that when people come to the doctor or something, they don’t recognize me. My hair used to be brown, and I have extensions in my hair until it grows out. They reconstructed my face and they were going to give me a new frame, but I got pregnant again after I had a miscarriage. So I won’t be getting that for a while.”
She nods as everything soaks in. “Wow. That’s crazy. But I have another question.” I look into her eyes, finding fear and anger, but also curiosity. “What floor were you from?”
I shake my head. “Sorry. There are a couple questions that I’m not allowed to answer. That’s one of them.” Collin appears behind the girl, and he has a smile on his face.
“You can trust her. She won’t tell anyone. Show her that you can trust her, and she’ll trust you,” he says, and I know that he’s right.
“But, I’ll tell you anyway,” I say to her. “I was from Floor One. I tried to escape through D7 and D8. But I stepped in and everything went black. I was unconscious, woke up a couple hours later, and I had to write out the reason why I escaped. Well, why I tried to, anyway.”
She nods, and opens her mouth, about to say something. She closes it again, but I prod her along, and eventually she asks me who the father is.
“The first baby, the one that saved my life, really, was Carl’s. He was my first husband, the one that raped me. Then, I was married again to Matthew. And he got me pregnant too. But that baby died as well. This one, though, is really important to me. I actually love her father. I’ll never see him again, and that makes it even more important to me that I keep this one alive. Maybe sometime I’ll tell you the story of Collin and I.”
She smiles. “I’d like that.” Collin is still standing behind her, but he comes over to my side and touches my hand. I don’t actually feel his hand on mine, but I know that it’s there.
“You did well,” he says, and then vanishes. For several minutes, I stare at the spot where he was.
“Are you alright?” asks Julie. I nod slowly and bring my gaze back over to her. “Okay, so I’m guessing that the answer to this question will be yes, because of what just happened.” She takes a deep breath. “Do you see people that aren’t really there?”
I nod. “Yes, I do. I see Collin, my brother Jack, and Carl. So far, that’s been it. Do you see anyone that’s not really there?” She shakes her head and explains that she only asked because of my strange behavior.
We talk for about another hour or so, and the conversation is actually about the pregnancies this time. When I stand up to leave, she holds her arms open, waiting for a hug, which I deliver. As I walk out, I know that I have made a new friend.

Chapter 2

I get back to my room, and Jack is arguing with Carl. Mathew is there too, but he oblivious to the shouting that seems loud enough to wake the dead.
“… might have stayed if it weren’t for you!” shouts Jack, poking Carl in the chest. “You had to go and screw things up. It’s been months, and you still haven’t owned up to what you did to her!”
Carl hangs his head, and I step towards them. “I would have left anyway,” I tell Jack, but he doesn’t hear me. “I’m still here, guys. I just don’t look like me anymore.” They go back to arguing, and I try to shut them out. I even try leaving the room, but the image of them fighting is everywhere I look.
Carl shoves Jack backward. “You don’t know what I went through every day. You can’t know. I loved her. It killed me every day.” With that, Carl walks down the hall and the hallucination ends.
I go back into the bedroom and sink down onto the bed. Mathew is looking at me from the table, a look of concern on his face. Although he is used to me talking to people that he can’t see, he can tell that this was upsetting.
“What happened?” he asks in a soft, tender voice.
“Jack and Carl were fighting. Jack was telling Carl that it was his fault that I tried to escape. And when I tried to stop the argument, they didn’t hear me. It was the weirdest thing in the world. I’m always able to talk to them. But this one almost seemed… real. You know? Like it was a live video feed.”
Mathew nods. “That’s weird. Too bad you can’t control when these things happen. It would be more convenient if you found a way to control the hallucinations. When you had them, who they were of, you know. That type of thing.” I nod, and he comes over and wraps his arms around my shoulders.
“I wonder what Collin’s doing right now.” He appears at the foot of my bed.
“I’m thinking of you, Penny. Your perfect blue eyes and your wonderful, soft lips. I’m missing you like crazy, and I can’t wait to fall asleep so I can dream. Dream of you, me, and the life we could have had together.” He walks over to the side of my bed. “I’m thinking about Mathew, and praying that he takes good care of you while I can’t. And finally, I’m thinking of Belle, and wishing with everything I have that I get to meet her someday.” He reaches for me, but dissolves into nothing before his skin can meet mine.
Mathew is still looking at me, waiting to hear an explanation. I tell him not to worry about anything, that this hallucination wasn’t bad. Actually,

I think, it was quite wonderful.

For the rest of the day, I just relax. When it’s time for dinner, I walk with Mathew and we sit with Sarah while we eat. We make small talk, most of it revolving around my pregnancy. Every once in a while. Someone from a different table comes over to see how I’m doing.
It’s a little strange to be approached by strangers, but in the past couple months, it’s become routine. Even though it happens every day, I’m still not used to it, and I probably won’t ever be.
After dinner, we all walk back to the room. There’s a doctor there when we arrive, and he looks at me.
“One last place to go before you can go to bed,” he says, but he seems to be talking more to himself than to me. I notice dark circles under his eyes, and he carried himself as if he’s been up for days without sleep. “We have to go to the warden’s office. He just wants to see how you’re doing.” I nod, and then follow him through the halls.
Instead of leading me to a room on the sixth floor, he leads me to the elevator. We load in and I watch the numbers as they are illuminated, indicating which floor we are at. The light brightens up the button that says “ground floor” and the doors open.
We step out into a small room with three or four Vipero sitting at a table. They stand as we walk by, but don’t say a word. As we walk down the halls, the Vipero stop their conversations and stand. It seems strange to me, but the doctor doesn’t think anything of it.
Finally, we arrive at a door that has a large “W” on it. The doctor knocks twice, stops, then twice again. The door swings open to reveal the warden.
“Ah. Meagan. So good to see you. Come, come in, please. I just have a few things to tell you, and then you can make your way back to your room and go to bed.” I step in, but notice that the warden shuts the door in the doctor’s face.
“Have a seat, please,” he says. “First, you will probably be interested to know that tomorrow, we’ll have an ultrasound and figure out if you and Mathew will have a girl or a boy.”
“Well, sir, that’s kind of unnecessary. I already know that it’s a girl.” I smile. “I’m going to name her Belle.”
He lets out a small laugh. “Well, Meagan, I know you might be hoping that it’s a girl, but doesn’t always work like that. It was discovered many, many years ago that it is the male’s sperm cell that determines the sex of the child.”
I shake my head. “No, sir. I know that I’m carrying a girl. I just know. I can’t be wrong. I can’t.” I think about what I would do if I find out that I’m wrong, and the baby really isn’t a girl. I wouldn’t have any idea what to name him.
He laughs again, and then his voice becomes harsh. “Do not argue with me, Meagan. You have been wrong in the past, and you could very possibly be wrong today.”
“I’ll make you a deal, then,” I try. “If it’s a girl, I get to see Collin. If it’s a bo-“
“No,” he interrupts. “You don’t get to see Collin anymore. He’s gone, so you might as well forget about him.” I hang my head in disappointment, but I know that begging would be pointless. “Let’s move on,” he says. “How have you been feeling?”
“The morning sickness is gone, but I still feel kind of weak sometimes. If I’m too busy during the day, I get weak and dizzy. I don’t know if this is common for pregnancies, or if it’s because, in that first week, my body went through so much wear and tear. And it really hasn’t had a break since then, since it’s been focusing on keeping this baby alive.” He nods, and I notice that he doesn’t have a notebook or any paper at all. Even though I’m probably wrong, I get the feeling that, since he isn’t recording the conversation on paper, he won’t have to file a report or give the results. It makes sense, though, since he’s the warden, and he tells the doctors and scientists what to do. Why would he have to report back to them?
“That’s good. Your body is still probably exhausted and run down, and you probably won’t get a chance to rest again until after the baby is sleeping soundly at night and doesn’t need constant attention. When my wife was pregnant, I didn’t think she’d ever get rested. It didn’t happen until after my son was three years old. Even with all the help that I tried to give her, she just couldn’t catch up.”
I close my eyes. I do not

want to think about how long it will be before my body goes back to normal. I don’t even want to think about what will happen to my body in the next few months.
“Before you go, I want to congratulate you, Meagan,” he says. “You’ve made it along nicely in this pregnancy. Unfortunately, I won’t be around when you have your baby, as I leave next month. My four years as warden here are up. I only hope that the new warden treats you as well as I have.” He goes on about all that he’s accomplished, but I tune him out. I really don’t agree that he’s been very kind to me, or to anyone else here, but I figure that it’s best to say nothing.
“Alright. I should let you get back to your room. You’ve had a long day.” He moved to the door, but doesn’t take his eyes off me. “Are there any questions you have?”
I start to say that I don’t, but then I think of one. “Actually, yes. When we were walking here, I noticed that all the Vipero would stop and stand as we walked by. Why is that?”
“It is simply an issue of status. Although they are employees of the Academy and they have authority over you, their status here is lower than yours. They have been trained to stop their conversations and stand in the presence of an Azuli or another employee of higher status on official business.” I nod, but I still don’t really understand. When they are on one of the residential floors, we are supposed to be respectful to them. Why is it that no one can relax on their own territory?
“Is that all?” I nod. “I trust that you’ll be able to find your way on your own.” When the door is open, I see that the doctor has left. Although I’m not positive that I’ll make it back alone, I nod in reply.
He shuts the door behind me and I walk down the long, silent hallway. At the end, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to turn left or right, so I just wait for someone to come by so I can ask them.
I hear his whistle before I see him, and when he sees me, he stops in his tracks. The musical sound stops as well. We look at each other for a few moments, and finally, he speaks. “What do you need?” he asks me.
“I need help getting to the elevator, so I can go to Floor 6. Can you walk with me there?” He nods, and then turns around. We walk through the hallways without a word. As we pass other Vipero, they nod in greeting to my escort, but say nothing to me.
When we get to the small room outside the elevator, the guard leaves without a word. The room is empty of people, but I see a clipboard and lab coat lying on the table.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I grab the lab coat and clip board, and then step into the elevator. I am alone, just as I thought I would be. I find the buttons controlling what floor I go to, but I don’t press the one labeled “6”. I know that I won’t get another chance to be in an elevator by myself again. Gathering my courage, I press the button for Floor 1 and wait.

Chapter 3

The elevator ascends slowly, and it jolts a little when it reaches Floor 1. The door opens to a landing in a flight of stairs. For the Azuli, the stairs are the main way of transportation from their floor to the cafeteria or Floor 6. Since I am an Azulate, I know this landing well. I’ve been here a million times, and I know that to my right are the stairs leading up to the cafeteria. To my left is the door leading to Floor 1.
I turn left and push open the door. The lab coat will give the impression that I actually have a purpose here. Since they reconstructed my face, no one will recognize me. I don’t have the birthmark or the blue eyes to label me as an Azulate. I smile as I walk through the hall, and I stop at the room that Carl and I shared for those three nights. The door is open, and there’s a girl sitting on the bed, listening to Carl ramble from his chair at the table. I say nothing, because I want to know. Is this Carl’s new wife? Or is she a friend? Has she filled my place in Carl’s aching, twisted heart?
I discover that she is definitely not just a friend when he gets off his chair and walks to the bed. Slowly, gingerly, he grabs her chin in his hand and tips her face upward for a second before bringing his lips down to hers. They kiss in a way that Carl and I have never kissed. There is passion radiating from both of them, not just one.
I move on, and I feel a smile playing with my lips. Against my will, I feel happy for Carl, that he’s found a girl who he not only loves, but who loves him back just as much. The feeling quickly passes when I remember that he stole my innocence from me, the one thing I believed the Academy couldn’t take.
Before I realize where I’m going, I end up in Jack and Mary’s room. The door, like most of the others, is open, but no one is in there. I step in and look at the bed. As I expected, it’s not made. Jack never made his bed before, and I didn’t expect that to change just because he’s married now.
I hear footsteps behind me, but they stop at the doorway. I turn around to see Mary. She’s looking at me with open contempt, and it makes me take a step back. “Hello. Are you… uh… Mary?” I take a look at my clipboard, as if I couldn’t remember her name. “I’m Meagan. I just need a quick survey on the couples. The first question: Do you guys sleep on the bed together, or are you separated?”
She looks shocked for a moment, and then fear seeps into her eyes. “It’s okay,” I reassure her. “Because of the birth control chemical, we don’t expect you guys to continue to try and make babies anymore. We just want to know how this experiment has changed the relationships of the Azuli.” Wow. I hadn’t thought about what I would say if someone caught me, but I’d say I’m doing pretty well. I allow myself a small smile when I know that she actually believes me.
I ask her a few questions, and pretend to record the answers on the clipboard. After a few minutes, I head for the door. “Thank you for your cooperation,” I say, and then head toward Macy’s room.
I knock on the wall before entering, but I don’t get too far into room when I run into a wall of old memories. I try, and eventually succeed, to push them into the back of my mind. When I look around the room, I see Jack and Macy sitting on Macy’s bed.
“Hello. My name is Meagan. I’m just here to do a quick survey on how the marriage experiment has affected the relationships between the Azuli. Let’s start with you. You’re Macy, right?” She nods. I ask her a series of questions, carefully worded to seem important. In reality, I’m just asking her how she’s been dealing with me not being there and how she’s holding up. After a few minutes, I turn to Jack.” How have the marriages changed your relationship with Macy?”
He looks at her and smiles. “It’s brought us a whole lot closer. We were close before, but several things have happened because of the experiment. We have less people to depend on now, so we rely on each other more often. It’s brought us very close.”
I smile a little. I’m glad that they are going okay. “Alright. It says here that you were close friends with Carl, who also got married. How has your relationship with him changed?”
His eyes turn cold and he won’t look at me. His voice is hard when he tells me, “I don’t talk to him anymore. You see, he did something to Penny, and she tried to escape because of it. They caught her, and she’s been exterminated. And I can’t help but blame him for it. If he hadn’t done what he did, she might not have left. My relationship with Carl is pretty much nonexistent now. Just like my relationship with Penny.”
I pretend to write some notes down, and then thank them both. I turn to leave, but a part of me can’t let them keep on going without knowing the truth. I turn around to face them. “You know, I’m not supposed to say anything, but your sister isn’t dead.” I look right at him, knowing that if I get caught, I really will be exterminated. But he has a right to know. Jack looks at me like I’m crazy, and I don’t blame him.
His expression turns to one of anger. “How dare you,” he says. “She was my sister and Macy’s closest friend. How are you so barbaric as to lie to us about something like that?”
I take a deep breath. “Because it’s true, Jack. They didn’t exterminate her because she was pregnant with Carl’s baby. They married her off to another guy, Mathew. She miscarried twice. She’s pregnant again now, and she’s doing pretty well. She and Mathew get along, so it’s nothing like the situation with Carl.” Jack looks down at my stomach, which has started to show evidence of a baby, and I can tell that a theory is forming in his mind.
“Who is Mathew?” asks Carl, standing in the doorway. He’s holding the girl’s hand, and he looks confused. “And who is this?”
“It’s none of your business who I am or what I’m here for,” I snap. “What are you here for?” All happiness for him has vanished when I remember what he’s done. But my question is sincere. After Jack’s description of his current relationship with Carl, I’m surprised that he would show up.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but Macy’s roommate is my wife’s friend. We came by to drop this off for her, since she came in and slept on our floor last night.” He challenges me with his eyes. He knows that sleeping in someone else’s room is against the rules, except in the case of an emergency. Judging by the confidence in his eyes, he assumes that he has intimidated me enough that I won’t tell. Part of me wants to tell him the real reason why I won’t tell, just so he doesn’t have the satisfaction.
Jack is still staring at me, a small smile beginning to form on his face. “Meagan,” he says, tapping his bottom lip with his index finger. “I’m just thinking, and… um… Did they change her appearance, by any chance? Things like hair and eye color, maybe getting rid of some scars?”
I nod and smile. “Yes they did. Actually, a long time ago, she told me that she ran into you. Do you remember that?” As his smile extends to the sides of his face, he slowly nods his head.
“I do remember that. I wondered how she knew my name. But it makes sense now.” He stares off to a spot behind me, and I turn to Carl and the girl next to him.
“I’ll take the pillow, and then I need to ask you to please leave the room. We have some things to discuss.” I grab the pillow and push him out of the room. I shut the door and rush into the arms of my brother and best friend, dropping the pillow in the process.
“Stand back and let me look at you,” says Macy. I pull back the lab coat so that it’s easier for them to see my extended stomach. They both look me over, noticing all the changes, trying to identify something that’s the same.
“So, this Mathew fellow. What does he think about becoming a father?” asks Jack.
“Actually, it’s not Mathew’s baby.” The impact of their disapproval almost knocks me down. Of course, they don’t know what really happened. According to the information that they’ve been given, I’ve been sleeping around. “It’s Collin’s baby,” I quickly explain. “I agreed to follow along with their experiment as long as I was allowed to see Collin one last time. We didn’t see each other for very long, but it was long enough for this to happen.” I stare at my belly so that they don’t see me blush. “They don’t know that it’s Collin’s baby. Mathew knows, and you guys know. And there’s a girl who’s also pregnant, and she knows. But that’s it.”
I look at the ground, thinking about the last time I saw Collin, and he appears beside me. “I’m always with you,” he says. “You don’t always know it, but I am. I’m always thinking about you and our baby. It kills me to know that I’ll never see you again.” He doesn’t say anything else, but watches as I say my good-byes to Macy and Jack. I promise them that I’ll come back as soon as I can. But we all know that that time won’t ever come.
Collin is with me as I walk through the halls. It’s a path that I’ve taken hundreds of times before, but it’s different this time. I’m different, and all these people are different. Their lives and relationships have been altered and changed in too many ways to count. All because of me.
As I walk, Collin tried to reassure me that it’s not my fault. “Their lives would have changed anyway,” he claims. “You can’t blame yourself for this. You were doing what was best for you.”
That’s the thing that bugs me,

I think. I left for selfish reasons so I wouldn’t be put through torture. But in doing that, I put the ones that I love through torture. I escaped to prove Carl wrong. But he was right. So now what?

“You didn’t know what you know now,” says Collin as we step into the elevator. I take the lab coat off and put it in a pile with the clipboard on the floor. If I did know everything that I know now, would I have left?

Chapter 4

I get back to my room and Mathew is sitting on the bed, a worried expression plastered to his face. “Where were you? What took you so long? The scientist came in to tell me that you would be up in a few minutes. It’s been almost an hour!” he yells.
“I… I’m sorry-y,” I stutter. “I didn’t realize that-“
“That what? That someone besides Collin loves you and cares for you? Because if that’s it, then you’re sadly mistaken. A lot of people care for you, and we don’t want anything to happen to you.” I stand there, shocked. I didn’t know that I had meant that much to him.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “Once again, I was being selfish.”
“You’re not selfish,” Mathew and Collin tell me, both at the same time. “You just didn’t know,” continues Mathew, but I know that Collin wants to say it. “I’m sorry that I yelled. I was just extremely worried. You weren’t here, and I had no idea where you were, and it worried me.” He wraps his arms around my shoulders, and I relax my muscles.
“I won’t do it again,” I promise. I break away from him and go to the bed. He grabs a pillow and a blanket off the bed and starts setting up his spot on the floor just like he does every night.
Before I can think about it, I open my mouth. “Mathew, can you sleep on the bed with me tonight? I’m cold, and the extra blanket plus our combined body heat will help keep me warm.” I’m not sure why I asked him to sleep on the bed, and then lied about it. In reality, I’m not cold at all. In fact, I probably won’t be able to keep the blanket on tonight. But for some reason, I need to feel Mathew’s closeness tonight. I need to know that he’s there.
Collin, who briefly disappeared, is now back at my side. He sighs and says, “You’re falling in love, Penny. You may not like it, but you’re falling in love, and you’re falling fast and hard.”
I shake my head. “No, you’re wrong, Collin. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re the only one who I can love.” He shakes his head sadly, and begins to disappear.
“I can see it, even if you can’t. You made me promise to fall in love and have a happy life. So why is it that you won’t allow yourself to do the same?” By the time he finishes his question, I’ve lost sight of him and I can only hear his voice.
I turn my attention back to Mathew, who’s getting things ready on the bed. I climb under the covers and he follows me.
I fall asleep faster than I usually do. Usually, I stay awake for at least an hour doing nothing but tossing, turning, and thinking about the future. Tonight, though, I feel safe under Mathew’s arm. Safe enough to stop worrying.
For the next four months, I go to see Julie twice a week. We about our pregnancies, and just about life in general. Who we’d be if we weren’t Azuli, what we’d be doing with our lives. We talk about our lives before the Academy, and our friends since we’ve been here.
One day, as I’m getting ready to go see her, Dr. Pender comes into my room. “Hey, Meagan. I have some pretty bad news for you right now.” She takes a deep breath and then continues. “As you know, we’re moving Azuli over to the new facility. We’ve been doing it one floor at a time, and now we’re at Floor One. Now, you probably don’t want to know this next part.” She stops for a second, and I study her face. She looks frustrated, and I’m curious about why.
“All the Azuli that were chosen to move were chosen at random. And anyone that was chosen who’s over the age of 65 is being terminated now.”
“Macy,” I whisper, knowing what’s coming next. When I arrived at the Academy, she was 60 years old. Now, ten years later, she’s seventy.
Dr. Pender nods. “Macy’s name was on the list of Azuli to be moved. Today, she is being exterminated. The other doctors wanted to leave you out of this who/le situation, but I disagreed. If you would like, you may say good-bye to her today.”
Of course I want to say good-bye,

I think. Macy practically raised me, and I love her more than my real mother.
Dr. Pender and I walk through the hallways to get to the Extermination Room. All it is is an examination room; identical to one of the rooms that one would go to if they were sick. The only difference is the types of chemicals that were in the various vials and bottles.
Macy sits on a table, tears streaking her face. “Macy,” I say, grabbing her hand. “It’s me, Penny.” She uses her free hand, wrinkles from years of stress and torture, to stroke my cheek.
“Penny. Oh, Penny, I’ve missed you so much.” It’s silent for a minute. “You must promise me that you’ll take good care of that baby, okay?”
I nod. “I’ll care for her as well as you cared for me, if that’s even possible. I’ve missed you so much, Macy.” I burry my head in her chest and cry, just like I did when I was little. My shoulders tremble with the force of my sobs. She just holds me like always has. For the billionth time, I feel like Macy is the only thing holding me together, and that without her, I’ll fall into so many pieces that no one will be able to put me back together again.
We stay like that for a long time, until the doctors tell me I have to leave. I look at Dr. Pender, pleading with my eyes. She nods and turns to the other doctors. “Can she stay here and hold Macy’s hand? It won’t hurt anything.” They have a brief argument about it, but eventually, the doctor agrees that it won’t do any harm. They get the needle ready, and then inject a small amount of blue poison into her veins.
Her skin becomes pale, and she starts to face away. “I love you, Penny,” are her last words as she leaves this life and moves on to her next one, if that type of thing exists.
I stay in the room for a long time after that, with my head in her lap. The tears run down my face until they are absorbed by the rough blue fabric of her jumpsuit. I don’t know how much time passes, but I’m still there long after the heat and color drain from her body, long after the corpse of my best friend becomes stiff.
Eventually, Mathew comes in and puts his arms around my shoulders. He leads me out of the room and through the hallways. Finally, we reach our bedroom. Collin and Jack are standing in the middle of the room when we arrive.
Jack is crying. “I have no one now,” he says. “Everyone I love has been taken away from me. I… I don’t know if I can do this.” I run to hug him, but he evaporates in my arms. I turn to Collin, tears running down my face.
“I can’t help you now, Penny. I want to, you know that, don’t you? But I can’t help you this time. I’m sorry.” He disappears, and I start to fall.
Mathew catches me and takes me over to the bed. “I’m sorry,” I murmur. “Mathew, can I ask you a question?” He pulls the blankets over me.
“Why don’t you ask me in the morning?” he says. “You’ve had a long, exhausting day. Plus, it’s getting late. You were in that room for hours.” I nod my agreement, even though I know that I won’t have the guts to ask him at any other time, and he brushes some hair out of my face. “Just get some rest, and you’ll be all better in the morning.” He does an excellent job of hiding the doubt in his voice. I smile and wonder if his false confidence will make his statement come true. As I’m drifting off to sleep, I feel him lean over me and gently kiss my forehead.
I wake up the next morning, and the spot where his lips had been is still warm. I smile a sad smile as I realize that Collin was right. I’m falling in love with Mathew.
I look around the room, and discover that he’s already left. I get dressed in a clean jumpsuit and wander to the cafeteria. I find Sarah, sitting by herself, absorbed in a book. When I set my tray on the table, she looks up.
“Hey,” she says quietly. Her eyes look sad today, but I know that mine must look the same. “I’m sorry about Macy. Mathew told me.” Although I know that she’s sincere, it doesn’t make me feel any better, and it doesn’t change what happened.
I don’t tell her this, though. Instead, I nod. “Thanks. She was really special.” I leave it at that and start pushing my food around my plate. For the sake of the baby, I know that I must eat something. But the idea of eating on a day like this just seems so difficult.
I manage to choke down a few bites, but not as much as I should be eating. Sarah gets called over the intercom to go clean something or other, so I am all alone. I walk back to my room, and there’s a doctor standing outside.
“Meagan, since you didn’t go to see Julie yesterday, you’re going to go see her today. Follow me, please.” I obey without saying anything, and it doesn’t take long to get to the DarkRoom where we always meet.
She has her head down on the table when I walk in. She lifts her face up to me and I see tears running down, making dark trails on her pale skin.
“Oh, my,” I say, and hug her tight. “What’s wrong? What happened?” She starts to sob, her back buckling with the force of it. I lay my chin on the top of her head and just hold her, saying nothing.
After several minutes, she calms down enough to speak. “I was just talking to him. We weren’t holding hands, we weren’t doing any of that. We were just talking. But then…” Another wave of sobs moves in, but she quickly composes herself. “They grabbed him and said that he was going to be exterminated because he was the father.” She shudders and then takes a deep breath. “I don’t know how they knew.” She dissolves into tears again, and I ache for her. In the past couple months, we’ve grown close to each other, and I think of her as a little sister. Just like Jack hated to see me hurt, I hate to see Julie hurt.
For several more minutes, I hold her in my arms as she cries. Finally, she straightens her back and sniffles one last time. “You probably think that I’m ridiculous,” she says. When I ask why, I would think that, she replies, “You had your love ripped away from you, and I’m sure that you didn’t cry like this.” I think back to that day when Collin had been torn from my arms. Had I cried? I knew that I had cried for a little bit, but I had been forced to move on with my plans.
“Listen to me,” I say, cupping her chin in my palm. I turn her face so that she has to look in my eyes. “Crying doesn’t make you a baby, and it doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. I didn’t sit around crying all day because I didn’t have a chance. I tried to get out, and failed. Then they made me focus on getting pregnant again. Missing Collin, feeling that painful void in my heart, became an everyday thing. I still love him, but I’ve moved on. I promise that no one will think any less of you because of this.”
She shudders, and I give her shoulders a squeeze. “Thank you, Meagan,” she says. “You have no idea how horrible these last few months have been. No one talks to me anymore, because they’re afraid of what will happen to them. Not even my roommate will talk to me anymore. And before today, none of the guys would talk to me, and I liked hanging out with them way better than the girls. But they were afraid of the Academy thinking they were the father.
I don’t say anything. There is nothing that I can say that will make this better. While I was torn apart from my friends and my life, it wasn’t willingly. Also, I’ve made new friends. I may not have a ton, but I like it better that way. Her friends have willingly turned their backs on her when she needs them the most.
There is a knock on the door, and then a Vipero sticks his head through the door. “Time’s up,” he says. When he sees Julie’s red, puffy eyes, his face softens. “Do you need anything?” She shakes her head, gives me a hug, and then I leave the room.
As we are walking back, I notice a tear sliding down the Vipero’s face. “What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Three years ago, my wife and I had a baby. She’s… she’s an Azulate. In two more years, she’ll be here. Before she was born, I never really thought about the cruelty that goes on here. But since I saw those blue eyes and the birthmark, I can’t stand being here. I know that when she comes, it will be even worse. But when they hire you, you’re on a contract for fifteen years. I’ve only been here for five.” He sighs. “For seven years, I’ll have to watch my baby girl be hurt. And after I leave, I’ll never be able to stop thinking about what goes on. I can’t sleep at night, and it just tears me apart.” He stops and leans against the wall.
“I’ve helped torture children, teens, and adults, you know that? For the first two years that I worked here, I never noticed how horrible these things are. But now…” He just shakes his head and starts walking again. I follow, a few feet behind.
When I’m back in my room, I sit on my bed. Collin and Jack show up at the table. “You know that they aren’t monsters, don’t you?” I ask Collin. “I’m so shocked. These men hate it here. They hate doing what they’re ordered to do. So why do they keep doing it?”
“Fear,” inputs Jack. “Most of these men have wives and families. If they disobeyed orders, there is the possibility that the Academy will hurt the ones they love.”
Collin nods. “Keep talking to them, when you get the chance. They enjoy company, and you can learn a lot from them.” They disappear, leaving me alone.

Chapter 5

The next two months go by rather quickly. I grow closer to Sarah and Julie, but even closer to Mathew. Although Collin is still first in my heart, by stomach is often in knots when I’m around Mathew. I’ve spend time trying to deny my growing affection for my husband, but it didn’t take long for me to decide that denying it was useless.
I’m 36 weeks along now. My belly is huge, and I’ve gained weight in other places too. My back is always hurting, and putting my shoes on has become an activity that causes me to sweat with the effort. To make things easy for me, the Academy has given me slip-on shoes, but I usually just walk around barefoot.
I’m very slow when I walk, which is a problem when I have to use the bathroom. A good portion of my day is spent trying to find the nearest restroom.
I still have regular check-ups, and I still see Julie every week. Collin and Jack show up often, but Carl rarely makes an appearance. In my dreams, I see Macy. As a child, as a teenager, and as an adult, she always has a haunted look in her eyes. Usually, after I have a dream about her, I wake up with tears streaming down my face.
I’m lying in bed crying right now. Because of my extended belly, Mathew sleeps on the floor, so I can’t rely on him to comfort me anymore. I sit up with my back against the wall. My lower back, my upper back, and my neck all ache from all the extra weight that hangs from them. Only four more weeks

, I think. Four more weeks until I can see my feet again.

I take a few deep breaths, and I am finally able to calm down enough to try to get back to sleep. I lie down, rest my head on the pillow, and wait for the cloud of unconsciousness to take over.
When I wake up again, Mathew is gone. I stand up and stretch, then head to the cafeteria.
After I get my food, I face the same problem that I always face in here. Instead of individual chairs, the Academy has tables with benches. The benches are bolted into the ground, so they can’t be scooted in or out. Because of my pregnancy, I can no longer fit on the benches if I’m facing forward.
I set my tray down and straddle the bench. Turning my shoulders toward my food, I begin to eat. I am soon joined by Sarah, and then Mathew.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him. Because of his shifts, the only meal he gets to eat with me is dinner.
He smiles. “I get the day off.” Two men walk by and give him dirty looks, but he doesn’t care. “Yesterday, the new warden took over,” he said. Of course, we all knew this. Although the Academy didn’t make a huge deal about it, everyone knows when a new warden comes in. He came by yesterday to greet me.
I bring my attention back to Mathew. “I went to clock in, and he was there, waiting.” He puts a spoonful of yogurt in his mouth, the swallows it. “He said that you and I are moving into a new room that’s bigger, and there’ll be a crib in there for Belle, and a bigger dresser with drawers for all of us. He also said that he’s having some baby clothes brought in, and we get to choose which ones we want. Then we get to paint and decorate one of the walls in whatever way we want.” He glanced at me, a twinkle in his eye.
“Wow,” I say. “This guy is way different from all the others.” Sarah and Mathew both nod. Smiling, I say, “Mathew, I think this will be our first thing we do as a couple.” In all the Memories that have to do with newlyweds, I’ve seen them doing many sappy things. Painting and decorating the nursery is one of those things. There’s also honeymoons, but couples rarely have those now. It’s a waste of time for their practical minds.
A strange expression crosses his face, and I wonder what he’s thinking. I turn to Sarah. “Would you like to help us pick out Belle’s clothes?”
“Yes! Yes, of course I will! That sounds like so much fun!” She rambles for a minute, and then she notices the sad look on my face. “What’s wrong, Meagan?”
“Macy would have loved doing this.” I look at my lap so they don’t see any tears that might fall. “It’s times like this that I really miss her.” Mathew wraps his arm around my shoulder and draws me into him. Because of the way I’m sitting, it’s an awkward position and it isn’t very comfortable. Still, I appreciate Mathew trying to help me feel better.
“So when are we going to do this thing?” Sarah asks Mathew. Her tone is excited, and I know that I won’t regret inviting her to go along.
“He said that as soon as we’re done eating, we can go to Dr. Jearson’s office to pick the paint and decorations. Then he’ll show us to our new room and we’ll paint. While the paint is drying, we’ll do everything else.” I nod, and then stand. All three of us are done eating, so we take out trays to the trash and then head for Dr. Jearson’s room.
I know where his room is because he was the doctor that performed the plastic surgery on my face. I led the way, and when we step into his office, it’s filled with paint cans, brushes, pallets, ladders, and everything else we might possibly need.
I look through the colors, and I choose a shade of blue, as well as a shade of pink that I like. Once Mathew has agreed with my choices, we head to the room that a Vipero leads us to.
The room is about twice as big as the one that Mathew and I share now. There’s a while crib, a big bed, a table big enough for five or six people, with a highchair for the baby. There’s a large dresser with six drawers. By the table is a miniature refrigerator, along with a sink, a counter, a few drawers and cupboards. There’s also a small oven and stove in the corner. The floor under the kitchenette is beautiful tile, and the rest of the room is covered in beautiful cherry flooring.
“Wow,” I say. “This is… this is amazing.” Mathew places a hand on my shoulder. When I look back at him, he has a smile on his face. “It’s perfect,” I whisper.
We look through the cupboards, commenting on the overall beauty of the room. “I’m so excited for you guys!” gushes Sarah. After we’ve taken everything in, we start to paint. First, we have to mix the paint. We have Sarah do that while Mathew and I move the crib and dresser away from the wall. Finally, we are ready to begin.
It doesn’t take very long to paint. There are three of us working, and we’re only painting that one wall. When we’re done, we stand back to admire our work.
“Let’s go pick out some clothes,” I say. “The fumes are giving me a headache.” The three of us file out of the room and down the hall. We go to Dr. Jearson’s room, and it’s now filled with baby clothes, blankets, and shoes.
“Look at this!” exclaims Sarah, holding up a red dress. “And this! Oh! This is beautiful! Ooh! Look at the shoes!” Mathew and I burst out laughing, and she stops. “What’s so funny?” She holds up a green shirt. “Isn’t it adorable?”
I walk up to her and grab the clothes. “Yes, Sarah, they’re very cute. But you need to calm down. We can only fill two drawers with stuff for her. Why don’t you pick out some blankets and shoes, and Mathew and I will decide on the clothes.” She nods slowly, and reluctantly walks to the other side of the room.
Mathew and I choose a few clothes, then we go to see what Sarah has picked out. She’s selected several pairs of shoes, and three blankets. They’re beautiful, with simple designs organized in a way that makes them appear elaborate and detailed.
“They’re so pretty,” I tell her. “There should be some room left over for more clothes. Why don’t you go pick out a couple of shirts or something?” Sarah shrieks with excitement and Mathew and I watch as she chooses two shirts, a pair of pants, and a dress.
“Okay,” she says. “I’m done.” We all head back to the room. The paint is fast-drying, but the fumes still hang heavy in the air. Sarah glances at me. “Let’s get this done quickly so we can get Meagan out of here,” she tells Mathew.
We put the clothes in the drawers and the blankets and in the crib. We are pushing the furniture back into place against the wall when Dr. Pender pokes her head through the door. “You guys won’t be able to sleep in here tonight because of the fumes. But tomorrow, we will officially move you into this room.” She smiles a motherly smile at me. “Sound good?” We all nod, and finish up quickly as she watches.
As we’re leaving, Dr. Pender grabs my arm. “Meagan, can I talk to you for a minute? Everything is off the record. I promise that nothing that you say will go into any reports or anything like that.” She looks around the hallway, and then meets my eyes again. “Since you’ve been on Floor 6, have you been hallucinating at all? I’ve seen you sometimes mumbling to the wall, and I’ve heard you talking pretty loud to someone in your room. I’m just curious about it.”
I think about how I should answer. I don’t trust the Academy. I’m not sure why, but I wouldn’t want them to know about the hallucinations. But I do trust Dr. Pender. I know that she will keep her word and my answer will stay strictly between us.
I nod. “Yes, I have. Only with Carl, Jack, and Collin. I see the Carl the least, but I can’t complain. When I do see him, it scares me. But I see Collin the most. And that really helps me get through the day.”
She nods, then looks off into the distance, deep in thought. “Okay. That’s all I wanted to know. Thanks for being honest with me, Meagan.” I walk to my old room, but I’m the only one there.
As usual, being alone makes me think of Collin. “Collin,” I whisper. “I miss you.” I close my eyes, and he’s there by the bed.
“I miss you too.” He reaches for my hand, and I’m relieved when he’s able to grab it. Every once in a while, I’m able to physically feel Collin and Jack when they touch me. Other times, though, they go right through me.
I have a short conversation with Collin about the baby, but he vanishes when the door swings open.
“Hey,” says Mathew. “Sorry that I disappeared like that. I had some friends that wanted to see our new room, and then we were just talking about the baby for a while.” I nod, but don’t say anything.
“I feel so bad for doing this to you,” I admit. He asks me what I’m talking about. “You have to lie to all of your friends about this whole thing. And then you’re going to be raising a child that isn’t even yours. And you also have to lie to the Academy. If they find out, they could kill both of us. I shouldn’t have done that to you.” I didn’t know that I was crying, but I feel a tear slide down the bridge of my nose. I feel my nose start to run, and I sniffle so that I don’t get snot all over my face.
Mathew instantly moves into protection mode. He comes over to the bed and pulls me to him. His arms are around my shoulders and his chin is resting on my head. It’s one of the most comfortable positions that I’ve ever been in.
“You have no reason to be sorry for that. You can’t hold all the weight on your shoulders. You have to let me help you with that. Lying to my friends about this isn’t a big deal. Sometimes, I even forget that Belle isn’t mine. He takes a breath and starts rubbing his hands gently over my back.
“I have no problem helping you raise this child. I didn’t know Collin very well, but I liked him. He was a good guy, and he always helped me when he got the chance. And over the months, I’ve gotten pretty attached to you, Meagan. You’ve helped me many times, and you probably didn’t even know that I needed the help. I owe it to both of you to help you with Belle.”
I not, but I still feel guilt. I hate having to lie to Sarah about Belle, and I wouldn’t have ever dreamed of lying to Macy and Jack, or even Carl, before he turned psycho. And if I had to raise someone else’s kid? I shudder. I don’t even want to think about what kind of parent I’ll be to my own child.
I stay wrapped up in Mathew’s arms for a long time. It’s silent in the room, and I think about the time when I saw Carl and Jack fighting in the hallucination.
I know that I was seeing something that really happened, instead of just another crazy hallucination. I know because they always talk to me, and rarely with each other. But how did happen? More importantly, why did it happen? I think for a long time, running different ideas through my head.
“That’s it,” I mumble to myself. Several Azuli are able to see into the future. A couple years ago, I talked to a whole group of them. They informed me that their abilities to see into the future were also selective, with a certain subject or topic showing up in each vision. “That’s got to be it.”
But why hasn’t it happened again? I don’t remember either of the Azuli that I talked to mention anything about how often their visions came to them.
“What’s it?” Mathew asks me. I explain everything, and he nods slowly. “Wow. I don’t know about Floor One, but where I’m from, the Azuli that could see forward were the most respected out of all of us. So if you can see ahead, and be immune to the chemical when no one else was, then you must be a pretty big deal.” He laughs a little, but I’m still deep in thought. What will I see next?

Chapter 6

The answer to my question comes a couple weeks later. One week until my daughter will be born. I’m eating lunch in the cafeteria and suddenly I see Collin sitting at the table next to me. Beside him, a girl is laughing.
She has blonde hair, but there’s brown on the bottom layer. Her eyebrows are dark and unnaturally, but not unattractively, shaped. She has a tall forehead, small ears, and a perfect smile. Her nose is wide, and her eyes have the perfect shape. She’s beautiful, and I hate her.
She’s still laughing, and she places a hand on Collin’s bicep. “You’re so funny, Collin,” she says. He tenses at her touch, and pulls away. Her smile falters, but she hides her disappointment well. Her hazel eyes, which tell me she’s not an Azulate, are the only betrayal of her feelings.
I watch for a couple minutes, but their conversation is very one-sided. Collin isn’t saying much in answer to her comments.
Finally, I hear, “What’s wrong? You’re never this quiet,” from the girl.
“Just be quiet, will you? I’m missing her a lot today. If I’ve been keeping track of time correctly, I’ve been gone for forty weeks. My baby’s going to be born in a couple days. And I’m going to miss it.” He glares at the mashed potatoes on his plate.
She wraps an arm around his shoulder and pulls him into a half hug. My face flushes with anger. Get off my man,

I think. She whispers something into his ear that I can’t hear. She’s very flirtatious, and it makes me hate her even more.
I’m about to march over to them and rip every hair out of her head when he pushes her away.
“Kate, I told you to stop! Just…” He stands up, frustrated and angry. “Just leave me alone. I can’t deal with you right now.” He storms away, leaving her alone. As she disappears, I look back at my plate.
I know now that he still thinks about me, and that he still loves me. And I know that a week from now, he will feel the same.
He didn’t look very happy, though. Oh, Collin,

I think to myself. Please allow yourself to be happy. Be with that girl, and be happy. Have fun, have beautiful children. Just be happy.

I leave the cafeteria. When I get back to my room, I realize that I didn’t even throw my tray away. I sit on the bed with a sigh, and then look around the room.
Mathew and I have moved into the new one. I was allowed to frame the pictures from my wedding, and those are hanging on the wall by the door. The fridge has a calendar on it, as well as a white board that Mathew and I use to communicate when our schedules don’t allow us to talk in person.
Sometime this week, one of the cooks is going to come in and show me how to cook certain things. I was told the other day that, for the most part, I won’t need it much until the baby has teeth. I’ll need it for me, though, since my sleeping and eating schedule will be different, the cafeteria won’t always be open when I need it.
I only get a few minutes to think about all of this, and then Dr. Pender knocks on the door. “Time to go see Julie,” she says. I stand up and waddle to the second floor. When I get to the room where we meet, she isn’t there.
I sit down and wait, but she still doesn’t show up. I wait even longer, but the door remains closed. Finally, Dr. Pender comes in. She moves slowly, and places a hand on my shoulder.
“You won’t be able to see Julie today,” she says. “She went through labor early and gave birth. Because it’s a month too early, her son is in intensive care right now. Let’s go back, and you can see them in a couple days.”
I follow Dr. Pender back to Floor Six and I waddle to my room. I sit on my bed to think. What does the baby look like? Will he get along with Belle?

Questions like this are still running through my head when Mathew comes to get me for dinner.
“You look like you’re concentrating really hard on something,” he says. I give a short nod in reply. After a few seconds, he asks, “Well, do you want to talk about it?”
“Julie had her baby today. It’s a month too early, though, so he’s in intensive care right now. I’m just thinking about how that will change things.” He nods, and then takes my hand.
“It’ll all work out. I promise,” he tells me. He doesn’t drop my hand, but instead gives it a reassuring squeeze.
I’ve been married to Mathew for nine months, but this is the first time that we’ve held hands. His hand is warm, but not sweaty. My fingers intertwine perfectly with his. It’s the most comfortable thing I’ve done since that night with Collin.
Collin.

I stop walking, and Mathew spins to face me. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” I hold up our clasped hands so that he knows what I’m talking about. When I know that he understands, I release my hold on his hand.
“I just thought that… well, I guess I thought that it’d be okay with you. You acted like you like me enough to I thought…” He trails off, and I know that I’ve hurt him.
I give him a hug. “It’s not that. I do like you, Mathew. I like you a lot, and I have for months. But I’m just not ready for this right now. Maybe in a few months, but I’m still carrying his baby. It needs to wait.” His eyes hold disappointment, but also hope.
“Alright. I’ll wait. The last thing I want to do is rush you, or make you feel uncomfortable. When you’re ready, though, let me know.” I nod, and we continue to the cafeteria. When we get our food, though, he sits across the table and won’t look at me. He tries to hide it, but I know he’s hurt.
The next couple days are busy. I have people in and out of our room to teach me how to cook and how to act in various situations once the baby comes. I’m taught how to feed her, how to hold her, and how to bathe her. One of the nurses that were assigned to me on bed rest gives me a blanket for her with her name embroidered in it. I have people in and out all day, and each night I collapse onto the bed.
One night, though, I don’t sleep. I feel Belle moving under the skin of my belly, and then I feel a warm moisture between my legs. I grab Mathew’s arm and squeeze, as if that will help the situation.
“Mathew. Get up. Now. We have to get to the delivery room.” The Academy has prepared a delivery room for me that is right down the hall from my room.
He dives into action. We waddle down the hall, and he’s yelling for someone to wake up and help us, but it isn’t until we’re already in the room that a doctor shows up. I don’t know him, and I’m a little disappointed. I wanted this to be something with a doctor that I know.
Despite the chaos of the situation, he seems very calm. It helps me relax a little, but I’m still pretty tense. They help me get onto the bed, and then he motions for us to keep quiet.
“You’ve officially gone into labor.” He starts playing with some machines, and then he straps them to me as he’s talking. “This could only last a couple hours, or it could last up to thirty hours. Hopefully it won’t last that long, though.” I nod. I don’t know much about being in labor, but I know enough from the Memories that I want to get it over with. There’s no point in dragging it all out.
Mathew stays with me, and Sarah is invited in. Doctors and nurses are in and out, checking the machines and asking how I feel. I’m given pain killers for the contractions.
After about two hours, Julie comes in. It’s the first time I’ve seen her since she had her baby. She gives me a hug. “Meagan, I’m so excited for you! I can’t wait until our first play date!” She goes on about how well our kids will get along, and I just laugh.
“We have plenty of time to worry about that later,” I say. “Right now, I just want to get this over with.”
I’m in that room on the bed for about six hours before the doctors starts getting excited. They rush around, mumbling under their breaths. It makes me nervous, because I have no idea if what they’re saying is good or bad. Finally, Dr. Pender shoves them out the door. “I’m sorry about all that,” she says. “They’re just excited. It’s not every day that we have a baby born here.” She checks a couple machines, and then faces me again.
“I will be delivering your baby. In a couple minutes, I’ll give you another painkiller that blocks most of the pain. Hopefully, we won’t have to wait too long. But it really depends on a lot of different things.” She stops for a second.

Chapter 7

About an hour later, Dr. Pender is handing me my baby. Just a minute ago, she was a bloody, red, wiggling figure. Now, she’s a beautiful pink being that looks at me with brand new eyes.
After wiping the sweat off my face, I reach for Belle. Her hair is dark brown and silky smooth, exactly the way my hair used to be. Her eyelashes are long and full, even more voluminous than mine ever were. Her lips are soft and pink.
She smells the way a baby should, and she wiggles around with the perfect motions. She is beautiful, too. I smile down at her and relish this moment.
The thing that I notice the most are her eyes. They aren’t the deep brown color of her father’s eyes, or the pool or blue that I was born with. They aren’t even the beautiful emerald green color that shows in my eyes today. There is no color in her eyes. They are the deepest, darkest black. A starless night is reflected in them, an endless tunnel leading to nowhere.
I know that I will never forget this moment, when I first held my child. Oh, Collin,

I think. How I wish you could be here with me.

Then, suddenly, he is here.
But he’s not alone. He’s with a girl, the same one from the cafeteria. She’s wrapped around his arm, her head on his shoulder. There’s a smile on her face as she snuggles closer to him. I can see the adoration in her eyes. “You really are a beautiful boy,” she tells him. “Did your Penny ever tell you that?” There’s a hint of taunting and jealousy in her voice, but it’s something only I would notice. Collin, of course, answers the question honestly.
Dropping his eyes to the floor, he says, “No, I don’t think she did, Kate. But she didn’t need to. She made me feel like the luckiest man that had ever walked this earth.” He sighs. “Can we stop talking about her? I think about her ever moment that I’m alone, and it kills me. The pain is more agonizing than you could ever imagine.” He looks into her eyes. “When I’m with you, I don’t want to be hurting. We don’t have much time together.”
The look of plain adoration morphs into something that I recognize. It’s the same look that Mathew gives me. She really does love him.

“Then let’s make the best of it,” she says.
They’re gone. I feel betrayed, heartbroken. Stabbed through the heart. It’s ironic, really, that she used the same words that I did, all those months ago. Did Collin make the connection? Did he stop her, and push her away? Or did he let things go as far as they went with me? Does it matter? Isn’t this what I wanted for him? Yes. But I didn’t know it would hurt this much.

Mathew taps me on the shoulder. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve been punched in the stomach.” I nod. I look at his face, the one that’s become so familiar to me. The face that I’ve fallen in love with.I can’t be mad at Collin,

I think. Love just happens sometimes, and you can’t do anything about it but let it grow. It’s the same thing that I’ve been doing myself.
I look away from his face and down at Belle’s perfect features. “I love you,” I whisper to her. Then I look back at Mathew. “Would you like to hold her?” He reaches toward her, and I had my baby over.
“She’s beautiful,” he says. It’s silent in the room as I take everything in. Dr. Pender, working for an evil cause, has a heart so full of compassion and honesty that it could burst any minute. Sarah, a girl only a couple years younger than me, has been sort of adopted as my child since I’ve been married to Mathew. Mathew. The man I love, holding my daughter. The daughter of someone who I need to release from my grasp, from my thoughts. However, I know that I will never be able to fully release him from my heart.
I’ve known for a long time that I’ll have to let him go eventually. I knew it would hurt more than I can imagine. But there’s no way that I could have prepared myself for it. Before I do, though, I need to talk to Belle, tell her about her father.
I reach for her, and Mathew hands her over. I plead with my eyes, and he ushers everyone out of the room.
“I need to tell you something, Belle. It’s about your father. You’ll never get to meet him. Only have one picture of him, that I may or may not show you some day. It’s hanging on the wall right now, but I’ll probably take it down. He’s a wonderful person, and he’s helped me through so many things. I haven’t seen him in nine months, since the day we conceived you. He was very handsome, and… I fell in love with him. And I hate that you don’t get to meet him. I hate the fact that he won’t be here to raise you, to watch you grow up.” I sigh. “But I can’t change that.”
She’s asleep now, but I keep talking. “He didn’t want to leave you and I all alone. I mean, we aren’t alone. We still have Mathew, and he’s wonderful too. I hope you’ll forgive me, my dear, but I’ve betrayed your father. I’ve fallen in love with Mathew. And he loves me too, and he’ll do his best to raise you like you’re his own child.
“I used to think that I could never move on. I spent most of the days sulking, because I didn’t know how to deal with this kind of loss.” I feel her move a little, but her eyes remain closed. “It’s been hard living without him. But when I see him in my hallucinations, he helps me. He helps me remember who I am.”
I stop talking and just admire my baby. “But I don’t need him for that anymore,” I say to her. “I have a part of him that will never leave me, and will always be there. I have you.” I stroke her soft hair with my fingertips. Such a beautiful creature, and it’s up to me to keep her that way. The beautiful infant in my hands needs to be protected, and I’m the one that was chosen for the job. I take a deep breath. I know that the next few months will stressful, difficult. I also know that everything’s going to be worth it.
But first, there’s one thing that I need to do. I lay my head back against the pillow and close my eyes. Before I can raise my child, there’s one thing I need to do, one weight that I need to have lifted from my small, fragile shoulders.
“Collin. You know that I love you. You know that I always will. I have part of you with me, this baby that belongs to you. No matter what happens, we’ll always be bonded together through our daughter.” I take a deep breath before I continue. “But I can’t keep holding on to something that can never be. I can’t keep gripping something that’s no longer mine, that’s already slipped through my fingers and landed in someone else’s hands. I need to let you go.” I open my eyes, and I feel relaxed. I feel lighter, not weighed down by invisible forces trying to suppress me. I feel like, after all these months, I’m finally strong enough to go on without him.

Chapter 8

The first night, I get no sleep. The first day, she sleeps, waking up only to be fed and changed. The second night is another sleepless one. She’s fussing all night, needing to be changed or fed or even just held.
The second day, Julie visits me. She has her son, Aron. He’s just as beautiful as Belle. We switch children, and I hold him as she coos over Belle. “She’s so perfect,” she says, “She’s going to be gorgeous when she gets older.” She whispers nonsense to the baby while I study Aron’s face.
His eyes match his mom’s, two deep pools of blue that sparkle in the light. His think, dark curls spill into his eyes, even though he’s only a little over a week old. His long, delicate fingers wrap around mine as I look into his eyes. His ears are small and nearly disappear under the black fluff on his head. I trace the birthmark under his eye, the “A” labeling him as an Azuli. It’s light and hardly noticeable, but I know that it will darken as he gets older.
Belle starts to cry, and I remember that it’s been a while since she was fed. I flash an apologizing smile to Julie as we switch children again. As I feed Belle, Julie and I talk about the upcoming months and what they will bring. “The main thing I’m scared of is not being able to take care of him the way that he needs to be taken care of,” she tells me. I nod, because I feel the same way. I know that if I can’t take care of my baby, I will have failed both her and Collin.
Thinking about Collin brings in the old memories, and I push them aside. It’s time to move on now, and start a new life. You have a husband who loves you and a beautiful baby.

When I think about who the baby’s father is, though, I can’t keep the sad, hurt feeling from showing in my face. Julie is busy changing a diaper, so she doesn’t notice.
After a few minutes, Sarah comes in. “Let me hold that baby,” she commands as she slams the door open. She’s only held Belle a couple times, but I can already tell that she’s great with kids. I finish feeding Belle, hand her over, and then cram myself back into my jumpsuit.
The past few months, my chest has just about doubled in size. That, paired with the swelling in my belly, caused me to need a bigger jumpsuit. Now that my stomach isn’t extended, I’ve gone back to wearing the smaller jumpsuits so I don’t have to roll the sleeves and legs up anymore.
My chest, however, is still the same size. Zipping the front of my jumpsuit has turned into something that requires a lot of effort. And since I have to have it unzipped while I feed Belle, I haven’t been zipping it up all the way unless I am leaving the room. I zip It up part way when I’m in the room, but a good amount of cleavage still shows.
Sarah joins the conversation, good-heartedly reminding us of all the things we’ll have to do now that we have other human beings relying one hundred percent on us. “If either of you need help, or just want a rest, let me know. I can work something out with my work schedule so that I can help out.” She smiles. “I figured that if you guys are too tired, you won’t be able to do the job right anyway. And it would be a shame to let these two grow up without the proper care just because their mom’s were too exhausted and no one wanted to help out.”
The conversation is brought to an end when Belle throws up all over Sarah. “Oh my gosh!” I jump up and go over to her, burp rag in hand. Julie steps up to take Belle while I help clean off the puke from Sarah’s jumpsuit and neck.
After she’s clean, I strip Belle’s soiled clothes and search for new ones. Her pants are clean, but she needs a shirt that doesn’t smell like regurgitated milk.
I’m slipping the clean clothes over Bell’s head when Sarah heaves a sigh too dramatic to be accidental. Julie and I don’t react, so she does it again. “Alright, what is it?” I ask her, feigning annoyance.
“Well…” she says, dragging out the single syllable. “There’s this guy…” Again, she drags out the last word, acting like she’s too embarrassed to talk about it. Julie and I exchange looks, both of us wondering what it would have been like to have this kind of girl talk with someone.
“Just spit it out,” Julie tells her. Although she sounds irritated, a huge smile splits her face in two. Sarah dives into a story about how she met this boy, what he’s like, what they talk about.
When she’s done, she sits on the bed and stares off into space, thinking about her new boyfriend. “Just be careful,” I warn her. “You don’t want to have a broken heart. Take it from us. That’s the last thing anyone needs. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
That night as I’m feeding Belle, I’m thinking about the boy that Sarah was talking about. Mathew notices my silence, and comes to rub my shoulders. “You’re pretty quiet tonight,” he says. I just nod, proving his point further. What’s on your mind?”
“I’m just worried about Sarah. She’s got a crush on some guy that she works with. I don’t want her to get hurt.” I pause for a moment and tilt my head to the side, thinking. “Do you think we should have her invite him over for dinner sometime?”
Behind me, Mathew chuckles. “You really are quite the motherly figure, aren’t you?” It’s quiet for a minute. “I know that you care about Sarah just as much as I do. But Meagan, you have to let her grow up. She needs the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. And you have to remember that she’s not much younger than you are.”
I nod. “I know that she needs her freedom. But I just don’t want her to end up heartbroken, raising a child, and trying to decide who she’s supposed to love. I’m barely sixteen, Mathew. It’s hard to sort everything out. I don’t want her to have to go through all of this.”
I can tell by his silence that he’s stuck on something that I said. I’m not positive, but I can guess that it’s the part about who I’m supposed to love. “Even if you don’t know who to love,” he says, “just remember that I love you, and I’ll always be here for you, no matter what that requires of me.”
I nod slowly. “And I love you too, Mathew.” Once I say it, I want to say it again. “I love you.” It feels good on my tongue, it sounds great in my ears. “You’re just… a wonderful person, and I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me.” Belle is asleep now, so I put her into her crib and fix myself up top so that nothing’s hanging out. Then, I turn to face Mathew.
“Meagan, I know that you aren’t ready to love me yet. I know that you still need some time.” He looks at the ground, unsure of what to say next.
“Penny, I know you love him,” says Collin, appearing for the first time since Belle’s birth. “Take this chance, or you’ll lose him. You’re hurting him every day that you hold back. You’re breaking his heart.”
I shake my head and close my eyes, but Collin continues to tell me the truth that I want to deny. “He needs you to love him, just as you need to be loved. You both have broken hearts. Use each other to heal. Love him,” he pauses, looks up, and looks into my eyes, takes a deep breath, “and allow him to love you.” He slowly fades, and I look back to Mathew.
“What can I do to make you love me?” he asks. I shake my head and take a step toward him. I can see in his eyes that Collin was right. I don’t know if it was me or someone else, but his heart has been shattered.
“I already do.” I close the distance between his body and mine, but our faces are still about an inch apart. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”
The space between our mouths disappears, and I know that I’ll never feel like this again. After months of waiting for the moment, the need and desire is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. The kiss makes everything disappear, forces all thoughts and feelings to melt away. It all fades, and I know nothing but Mathew.
I know his hand on the back of my neck, his thumb behind my ear. I know his other arm around my waist, holding me as close to him as possible. I know the smell of his skin, the bittersweet mix of his natural scent and the stench of his sweat. I know the deep blue ocean in his eyes and I know the taste of him. I know the sound of his heart racing mine.
I don’t know how long the kiss it, but I know that I want more. He places his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. I give him another light kiss on the lips and then rest my head on his chest. “It’s been a long day,” I say. “Why don’t we go to bed?”

Chapter 9

I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of Belle crying. I change her pants and feed her, then sit in the rocking chair so that the soft motion will pull her into sleep. A prayer comes back to me from when I was a little girl. My dad used to come in with me every night and pray with me. Religion wasn’t very important to our family, but it was something that he did every night anyway. “Now I lay me down to sleep,” I say softly to her. “I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm.” I pray softly, but Mathew still wakes up from the sound. He sits up in bed and just watched me as I repeat the prayer over and over again.
The sound of my voice and the gentle rocking motion cause Belle to fall asleep quickly. Even after I feel her breath become regular and her eyes stay closed, I don’t move. I keep humming to her as Mathew watches.
After several minutes, I feel my eyelids turn to lead. I stand up slowly and carry her to the crib. I make sure that she won’t be suffocated by anything in there, and then go back over to my bed.
I climb in and Mathew wraps me in his arms. “I didn’t know that you could love a human being so much after only knowing them for a couple days,” I tell him. “I’ve only known her a little while, and I would rather die than see her be hurt.”
He doesn’t say anything, only draws me closer. I rest my head against him and think about how much my life has changed in the past few months, how much it’s going to change in the future.
I let out an exhausted sigh as I drift back to sleep.
I wake up several days later to see Mathew rocking the baby. I don’t know how he got up without waking me, but I don’t waste any time asking questions. He has a terrified look on his face.
Belle has a pacifier in her mouth, but I can tell she won’t be satisfied by it for very much longer. I know that she needs to be fed. I jump out of bed and take her from him, then watch as he gets ready for work. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” I ask.
“You need your sleep. And it’s really not that big of a deal. I just heard her crying, changed her diaper, and started rocking her. But then she started getting fussy… I got nervous.” He lets out a short laugh. “I also just wanted to spend time with her. I know I’m not her father, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be her daddy.”
He finishes getting ready, gives me a hug, and then walks out the door. After Belle is done eating, I change her, and then lay her down on a blanket on the floor.
I get her a toy and watch her play. After a few minutes, I start talking to her. I talk about Mathew, Sarah, Julie, and Dr. Pender first, because she will grow up to know all of them. Then I start talking about Jack, Macy, and everyone who she won’t ever get to meet. After I get done talking about that, I start to describe some Memories to her. “They had wonderful rides. Roller coasters, ferris wheels, and all sorts of rides. And then they had food that you only bought because you were at a carnival. Corn dogs, nachos, funnel cakes, and so much more.”
The sound of a knock makes me stop. I roll away from Belle a little bit, and then stand up. When I open the door, I see Sarah and someone else that I’ve never seen before. Judging by the way that she’s looking at him, he’s the boy she told Julie and I about.
“Hi,” I say. “Sarah, who is this?”
“This is Max,” she says, and then leads him inside. “Max, this is Meagan. And you’ll meet Mathew for dinner.” Who does she think she is?

“Sarah, can I talk to you?” I ask. I drag her over to the table. “Who told you that you could bring him over for dinner? What am I supposed to do? I don’t have any food, and I’ve never cooked for more than one person before. Why didn’t you ask me first?”
A shocked expression took control of her face. “Mathew said that you wanted to have us over for dinner tonight so that you can meet him.” I shake my head as a small smile sneaks onto my face.
“I did say that. For whatever reason, he must have decided that it would be funny to invite you over tonight, without warning me.” I put my arm around her and give her a half hug. “You guys can stay. I’ll just have to have a little talk with him after you guys are gone.”
She laughs a little, but hugs me back. We look over at Max and Belle, and I smile. He’s on his stomach, talking to her softly. Her tiny hands are each wrapped around one of his fingers, and he has every bit of her attention.
“He’s so good with her,” she says. I just nod. After a couple more seconds, Max looks up and blushes.
“She reminds me of my little sister,” he says. “She was only six months old with I had to leave. But we would always lay on the floor and I would just talk to her.” He smiles, remembering a time when things were simple. “What’s with her eyes, though? I’ve never seen anything like that.”
Before I can answer, Mathew walks in the door. “Hey, guys,” he says. He comes over and gives me a quick peck on the cheek, and gives Sarah a hug. Max stands up and extends his hand.
“Nice to meet you, Mathew,” he said. They started talking about what Max does, how old he is, and then they moved on to other guy stuff. I looked at Sarah and asked if she would help make dinner for everyone.
“I don’t have much food here right now, because they haven’t restocked my kitchen for over a week. So I can make…” I look in the cupboards and the fridge, and I come up almost empty. “I can make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”
“I haven’t had one of those since I was a little girl,” she says. “The Academy doesn’t ever make them. I don’t know why. They’re a whole lot better than the stuff that they serve down on the lower floors.” She looks at me and smiles. “You get all the good food. I’m coming over here more often.”
As the boys watch Belle and talk, we make the sandwiches. “I know it’s a lot,” I say. We used the whole loaf of bread, and it made six sandwiches. “But you guys can take the extras with you for a midnight snack or something.”
They stayed for a couple hours, and when they finally left, I collapsed on the bed. “I didn’t realize how exhausting teenagers are,” I say. He just laughs. “What?”
“You’re sixteen, right?” I smile and nod.
“I know that I’m a teenager. But I don’t feel like one. Mathew, having a baby makes you have to grow up. So even though I’m sixteen, I’m really like… 57.” We both laugh, and he comes over to hold me.
“You certainly don’t look like you’re that old,” he says into my hair. Belle is on the floor playing with a toy. We watch her in silence for several minutes.
“She really is a beautiful baby,” he says. “But she doesn’t look like you at all. Or Collin.”
“That’s what I used to look like,” I tell him. The hair, nose, eyelashes, everything. Everything except the color of her eyes.”
He’s quiet, and I wonder what he’s thinking. Finally, he tells me. “Do you think she’s an Azulate? She doesn’t have the birthmark. Or the blue eyes. But… maybe you created a new species of subspecies or whatever.” I look at his face and find that he’s frowning. “But I guess we won’t know until she’s older.”

Part 2

Chapter 10

Months go by, and Belle grows teeth. She eats more and more real food and less of the breast milk. She learns to crawl, and then to stand. She’s curious about everything, and she loves anyone who has a nice smile.
Years pass, and now she’s running around. She’s independent and won’t take no for an answer. She and Aron are good friends, and they help each other learn.
Belle is three years old now. I’m nineteen, and Mathew is twenty. We are a happy little family, no sadness or disaster to bring us down.
I haven’t thought of Collin in months.
“Au’ty!” I hear. I have the door to my room open, so that any visitors feel more welcome. I hear tiny footsteps in the hall, and then I see Aron in the doorway. His tiny, crooked teeth make his smile even more adorable than it used to be.
I hold out my arms, and he runs to me. “How are you today, Aron?” I ask him.
Instead of answering me, he looks around. “Where Belle?”
“She’s with her daddy.” Mathew has the day off, so he took Belle with him to see all of his friends. Although they like to act tough, they melt the moment that Belle is in the same room as them.
Julie came in, a smile on her face. “You’re not going to like this, Meagan,” she says. I look at her, panic spreading through my body. What happened?

“I’m only not freaking out because this is your issue to deal with, not mine.”
As she finishes her sentence, I see Sarah behind her. Max is also with her, and two Vipero are behind them. “Go sit on the bed. Both of you,” says the taller of the Vipero. Then he looks at Julie. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We need to discuss a few things with Meagan and these two… uh… children.” Sarah winces at being called a child, and Max just looks at the ground.
Julie gathers Aron into her arms and leaves, but first she gives me a quick, “good-luck” hug. When the door shuts, the taller Vipero looks at me.
“You’ve become sort of a mother to Sarah, which is why we’re coming to you and Mathew for this. We’ve already called him to come in as soon as possible, so we have to wait for him to get here. But we’re just going to tell you guys what happened, and let you guys deal with the punishment.”
We don’t have to wait too long for Mathew and Belle to arrive. Belle immediately runs to Sarah.
Mathew and I look to the Vipero for information. “Um, I don’t know any way to say this, so I’ll just give you the facts straight. We found these two in a utility closet, uh… and they were uh… well, they were only half dressed.” In any other situation, I would have laughed at his stuttering, at the red shade that’s covering his skin. Instead, I look over at them, and notice for the first time that their clothes are pretty messy, like they were put on in a hurry. Sarah’s hair is a mess. “We don’t know if they were just starting to undress or if they were getting dressed, but it’s an issue either way. We don’t need any new babies right now. Well, not for your group, anyway.” He talks to us for another minute longer, and then they leave. Mathew and I turn to Sarah and Max.
“Explain,” Mathew says, looking right at Max. “Please explain to me what you were thinking about doing with my cousin.”
Max just hangs his head, doesn’t say anything. Mathew takes a couple steps towards him, puts his face right next to Max’s. “You look at me when I’m talking to you.”
Max brings his face up, looks Mathew right in the eye. “I’m sorry, Mathew. I really am. I just… we’ve been together for three years not. I try my best to treat her like I’d want someone treating my sister or daughter or cousin, but… three years is a long time to hold out on certain things.”
Mathew looks like he’s about to strangle Max, so I put my hand on his shoulder. “Mathew, go sit down for a minute. I don’t need anyone getting hurt right now.” He goes, and I look at the pair.
“Sarah, I’m disappointed in you. Do you realize what could have happened? Do you have any idea?” I look at Max. “Do you any idea what kind of responsibilities come with these types of things?”
“Yes, we know. We know where babies come from, Meagan,” snaps Sarah. “But I don’t see what I need to worry about. I have the birth control chemical in my system. I can’t get pregnant. So it’s all good.”
“It’s not all good,” says Mathew, calm now. “Meagan has the chemical in her system. She’s immune. So is Julie. So how do you know that you aren’t immune?”
Sarah looks like she’s prepared to answer all of our questions, as if she’s thought everything through so that it makes sense in her head.
“But Julie and Meagan both got pregnant on their first times. So, if that’s any kind of pattern, I’m fine. I’m not immune.”
“How do you know that you’re… Oh, dear.” The meaning of her statement hits me like a train. “How many times… How long has this been going on?”
“Meagan, it’s been three years. It’s been a while.” Max has gone back to looking at the ground, his face and ears red.
“It doesn’t matter how long you guys have been together, young lady,” I say. “The fact is, you’re too young for this kind of thing. And three years really isn’t that long.”
“It’s not? How long had you known Mathew before you guys hopped into bed?” Because of the tone she’s using and the look on her face, I want to smack her. A look at Mathew’s face reveals that he feels the same way.
“That was different. If we didn’t get pregnant, then the Academy could have exterminated us.”
“Oh, I see,” she says, her voice thick with sarcasm. “So that’s it then? You haven’t done anything with him since Belle was conceived?”
“That’s none of your business!” I yell.
“Then why is it your business how often I do anything with Max?” I can tell by her body language that she thinks she can get away without any punishment. Boy, is she wrong.

“You’re not my mother.”
“Your mother isn’t here,” says Mathew. “Meagan is as close as you’re going to get to ever having a mother. You better talk to her with respect. She does a lot for you, and she only wants the best for you.”
“Well I didn’t ask her to be my mom. Besides, she’s only a couple years older than me. What does she know that I don’t?”
Max opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t let him. “I know what it’s like to be taken advantage of. I know what it’s like to lose several children before you get a chance to know them. I know what it’s like to carry a child for nine months, and to go through labor. I know what it’s like to be torn from the man that I love, and thrust into bed with someone I don’t know. I know what it’s like to have my heart ripped to pieces, and to fall in love again before I’ve fully healed. I know what it’s like to have a newborn, feeding and changing diapers and nothing else for months. I know a lot more than you think I do, young lady. So you can stop with this attitude before I beat it out of you.”
“You can’t touch me,” she says, slowly, and she stands up, again thinking that I will cave under the pressure of her gaze. Instead, I pull my hand back and the next thing I know, it’s making contact with the side of her face.
Her hand shoots up to the red spot on her cheek, and tears build up in her eyes. When the first one falls, she runs from the room. I look at my hand, incredulous.
“Max, I think you better leave,” says Mathew. “But don’t think that we’re done talking about this.”
“I’m sorry, Mathew. I really am. I never meant for everything to happen the way that it did. I never wanted anyone to get hurt.” He leaves, and Mathew comes and sits next to me.
Seeing that I’m upset, belle crawls into my lap and cuddles up against me. She looks at my face and strokes it with her hand. “It’s okay, Mommy,” she says. I can’t help but smile then, because of how cute she is.
“What are we going to do?” asks Mathew. “I didn’t think we’d have to do anything like this for several more years.” I just shake my head.
I have no answers. “I’m not ready to be a mom to someone her age,” I say. “I was younger than she was when I met Collin. And I only knew him for a couple months. How can I be such a hypocrite? I still think that they’re too young, but I could be more understanding. I know what it’s like to be in her position.” Mathew just nods. “Besides,” I add, “three years is a long time.”
After a while, there’s a knock on the door. Sarah comes in, looking at the ground. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I just… I love him.”
I hand Belle to Mathew and go over to Sarah. “I know you do,” I say. “But you have to control yourself, and you can’t tear your clothes off every time you’re alone with him.” She nods. “Why don’t you guys come over for dinner tonight, and we can talk about all of this. In a calm manner, this time. Okay?” She nods, gives me a hug, and then leaves.
That night, Max arrives before Sarah. “I know I’m early,” he says. “But there’s something that I want to talk to you guys about. It’s important.” He takes a deep breath.
“I already talked to the Warden about this. And since he’s leaving in a couple months, he said that it would be fine for us to do it while he’s here, since the next warden might not allow us to. But I want to know that it’s okay with you guys. If it’s not, then I can wait.” He takes a deep breath. “I want to marry Sarah.”

Chapter 11

I look at Mathew, but he’s just looking at Max. “I talked to the warden, and he said that we could do it as long as I had your permission. And I know that you’re probably a little mad at me right now, but I really do love her. And I’ll do whatever I can to make you believe that I’m ready for this commitment.”
Mathew and I look at each other and nod. “Let’s go take a walk,” says Mathew, clapping his hand on Max’s back. They leave and a couple minutes later, Sarah walks in.
“I just saw Mathew and Max walking around. What are they talking about?” I just tell her that she’ll find out soon enough, and we start making dinner. By the time the boys get back, dinner is on the table and we’re ready to start. We make conversation, casually avoiding the day’s events until after we’ve all eaten.
Finally, everyone’s done eating. I send Belle to go play, and we turn our attention back to Max and Sarah. Mathew is the first to speak. “Meagan and I have talked, and we’ve come to a decision. We don’t want you guys doing… that… anymore. It can get you into too much trouble. You guys can still have your relationship, but you need to tone it down and not do anything that will get you into trouble. Understood?” They both nod. “Alright. Sarah, max has something to say to you.”
Max takes Sarah’s hand and looks into her eyes. “Sarah,” he says, “I love you. We’ve been together for three years, and you have definitely changed my life, in too many ways to count. You make things more exciting, and you’re always so ready to help. I wake up every morning and I can’t wait to see you.”
He takes a deep breath. “I want to change that. Instead of getting up so that I can see you, I want to wake up and have you right beside me, every morning for the rest of my life. I want to be able to protect you, and take care of you and treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. Sarah… will you marry me?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When they leave, I look at Mathew. “Why do we have to be responsible for everyone else?”
“I have no idea,” he says. “But right now, our job’s pretty much done.” I just nod and start to clear everything away. “Why don’t you go to bed?” he suggests, seeing hoe exhausted the day’s made me. “I’ll clean everything up and put Belle to bed.”
“Thank you,” I say, and give him a quick kiss. I go over to the bed, and I’m asleep before I hit the pillow.
I wake up puking, covering Mathew, the bed, and myself. “I’m so sorry,” I say. “I’m…” My apology is interrupted by another round, just bile this time.
“Are you alright?” You were just fine last night.” He rubs my back with one hand, gathers all my hair in the other. I look over at Belle, and she looks terrified.
“It’s alright, honey,” I say calmly. “Just don’t come over here until we get it all cleaned up.” She nods, and I straighten up. Turning to Mathew, I say, “I’m going to go see Dr. Pender after I get everything cleaned up. Wash yourself off and get ready for work. I don’t want you to be late because of me.”
“Mommy, are you okay?” After Mathew has left, Belle’s sweet, soft voice makes me smile.
“Yes, honey, I’m fine. Do you want to go see Dr. Pender with me today?” She nods vigorously, and I tell her to get dressed. Now that she’s older, she doesn’t have the cute clothed that she had when she was a baby. Instead, she has jumpsuits just like ours.
I clean up the floor and strip the bed, and then put the bedding in the basket in the hallway. “Are you ready?” I ask her, and we head off to Dr. Pender’s office.
I knock on her door, but don’t wait for an answer before entering. She’s sitting at her desk, writing some reports. She looks up when we come in, and smiles. “How are you, Meagan?”
“Mommy’s sick,” blurts out Belle. “She threw up all over Daddy.” To emphasize her point, she takes a step away from me so that I don’t vomit on her as well.
Of course, that gets Dr. Pender’s attention, and she looks at me with a knowing look. “This could be interesting,” she mumbles to herself.
She opens a drawer and pulls something out, then hands it to me. A pregnancy test. I go to the bathroom adjacent to her office.
When the result shows, I’m numb. What will happen this time? Will I be on bed rest again? Will it last?

I go out to where Dr. Pender is, and she’s talking to Belle. Despite my fears, I can’t help but get excited. I can feel the smile on my face grow as Dr. Pender looks at me. “We’re having a baby,” I say.

Chapter 12

The next hour is filled with tests as Dr. Pender tries to learn about how the baby’s doing. Finally, she takes a look at the results. “The baby seems to be doing just fine.” I breathe a sigh of relief, then turn to Belle.
“Honey, Mommy’s going to have another baby!” She jumps and claps, then says something that I can’t understand. I look back to Dr. Pender. “Do I have to be on bed rest again?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t think so. If in a couple weeks we think that it might be dangerous for you to be up and around, we’ll put you back on bed rest. But you don’t have anything to worry about at this point.” She looks at Belle. “You probably want to go tell Mathew, don’t you?”
I nod. Since Belle’s birth, I’ve told Dr. Pender about Belle’s real father. She understands that this will be important to Mathew because this is his first child that’s really his. “I’ll watch Belle for you while you go do that. That way you don’t have to worry about taking her all around the floor.”
I thank her, kiss Belle’s forehead, then head to the cafeteria, where I can find the job lists, and where everyone is scheduled to be right now.
I head to the south corner of the building, where Mathew is scheduled to work today. When I get there, I call his name softly. He doesn’t hear me, so I repeat myself, louder this time. “Mathew.”
He looks up, sees the smile on my face. He stands up straight, and a smile appears. “You sure?” he asks, walking over to me. I nod, and he lets out a cry of excitement. Heads turn and eyes narrow as people are distracted from their work.
“I’m having a baby!” he yells, loud enough so that everyone can hear. Then, to me, he says, “I love you.” He gives me a quick kiss. “But I gotta get back to work.” He gives me another quick one, and then another. Laughing, I push him away.
“Get back to work before you get in trouble,” I say. “I gotta go get Belle, and then tell Julie and Sarah.”
I go to get Belle, and then head for the elevator. I go down to Floor 4, head straight for Julie’s room. Once we get close, Belle runs straight for the door.
“Hi, Belle,” I hear once she’s disappeared from through the doorway. When I catch up to her, Julie knows right away that there’s something new. “What happened?” she asks.
“I’m having a baby,” I say. I don’t even finish my sentence before her arms are around my neck and she’s squealing in my ear.
“That’s amazing! Congratulations! That’s… that’s so exciting!” While Belle and Aron play, Julie and I talk about the baby.
After a while, Belle pulls on my arm. “Mom, I hungwy.” I remember that she didn’t have any breakfast, and I take her back to Floor 6. We go to the cafeteria, where Sarah is on her lunch break. I sit next to her and tap her on the arm.
She looks over at my smile and one similar to mine appears on her face. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” I nod, and her arms around my neck and she’s screeching in my ear, just like Julie was earlier. “Congratulations! Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it! You must be so excited!”
“How did you know without me saying anything?” I ask her.
“Your eyes. When you were pregnant with Belle, they were different somehow. Still green, of course, but they were different. They’re like that now.” She tilts her head to the side a bit. “They’re really pretty.”
I laugh. “Thanks. I have to go get Belle some lunch. Will you keep an eye on her for a minute?” She nods, and I get in line for food. I walk back to the table, and I talk to Sarah until she has to go back to work.
After Sarah’s gone, Belle looks at me. “You’re having a baby?” she asks.
I nod. “Yes, honey. The baby’s right here in my tummy.” She reaches her hand across the space between up and places it flat on my stomach.
“That doesn’t feel like a baby,” she says. Laugh, and try to explain it to her, but I’m not really sure how to get the idea across in toddler terms.
That night, I’m making dinner when Mathew comes in the door. “How is my beautiful family today?” he asks, and gives Belle a kiss on the forehead. Then he turns to me and gives me a big hug and a light kiss.
“We’re doing great,” I say. We sit down to eat and right away, Belle starts talking. At first, I discard it as a made-up story, but then she says something that catches my attention.
“He got shot, Mommy! He was watching a play with a lady and a mean old man shot him. Everyone cried and they took the mean old man to jail.” She looks very pleased with herself, sitting up straight and smiling as she told the story again, with more detail this time.
Mathew and I just stare at her, and then I look at him. “Are we thinking of the same thing?”
“Lincoln,” he states, and I nod. Belle starts telling us another story, but I can’t seem to pay attention to it. I’m too concentrated on what this means.
Belle has access to the Memories. She can see into the past, can know what really happened. Belle is an Azulate. But she doesn’t have blue eyes or the birthmark. “The Exception,” I mumble.

Chapter 13

The man’s eyes were a smoky blue, and his birthmark seemed much darker than any others. His voice was soft as we gathered around him.
We were of various ages, but all young. We went to this man for stories, and he always gave us something to die for. Sometimes he would tell us stories from history, stories that we knew from the Memories we possessed. But he always made them seem like a fairy tale, making every word imprint itself forever in our minds, painting pictures more vivid and detailed than the Memories themselves.
But sometimes, like on that day, his voice would become a soft lullaby, drawing us toward the abyss called sleep, then stopping right before we fell. On these days, his hands would shake, and his teeth would clench. He would look around nervously, making sure that his words wouldn’t travel to any dangerous ears. On those days, he told us of the future.
On this day, his voice was extra quiet, but there was a certain urgency in his tone that kept us from drifting toward sleep. “One day, we won’t be stuck in these cells, forced to wallow in our own filth and misery. One day, we won’t be controlled by a tyrant, we’ll be able to make our own decisions about what we want to do with our lives, what we will become. One day, the Exception will guide us.”
His words held my attention more than anything else ever had. His speech excited me, and I felt like I should be celebrating just at the idea of freedom. His gaze, shifting to the doorway, told me that that would be a very bad idea, so I kept quiet.
His hands shook as he reached out a hand and placed it on someone’s shoulder. “You might be a teacher.” He moved his hand to each person; naming a career that they might possibly go into once the Exception has his way. When his hand rested on my shoulder, his eyes twinkled. “You’ll be an important one. You can count on it.”
He went on to describe what would happen once the Exception came into existence. “They’ll have the Memories, but not the physical characteristics of Azuli. They’ll lead a rebellion and end the dictatorship. We’ll be free.”
Just then, three Vipero came up behind him. One knocked him over the head, causing him to fall out of consciousness. The other two began to drag him down the hall. The first one looked all of us in the eye as he spoke.
“Unless you want trouble, you better forget everything that that man’s ever told you.”
And that’s what we did. For over ten years, I forgot about the story teller, about his wild stories from the past and future. I forgot his predictions, and I forgot about the Exception.
Until today.
Belle’s story brought the memory back, and now it’s stuck in my head, right on the front burner of my mind. Getting ready for bed, Mathew notices that I’m not about to concentrate very well. He watches as I put Belle’s jammies on backwards three times before he steps in.
“I’ll get her ready. Why don’t you just go get into bed?” I sigh and go over to the bed, but I just sit, close my eyes, and put my hand on my belly. Will this child be like Belle? Will all of my children unite and lead the rebellion? Or will this child be normal?

“He can’t be like Belle,” says a familiar voice. I haven’t heard it in a long time, but it’s a voice that I will always know. I feel fingertips brush my face, then move to my hand, and I know that if I open my eyes, I will see Collin in front of me. I keep my eyes shut as he continues talking. “Belle has the genes of an Azulate and someone who’s not an Azulate. This one doesn’t.”
The fingertips on my hand change, and I recognize them as Mathew’s. “What’s going on, Meagan? Ever since dinner, you’ve been acting weird.”
“When I was little, there was a man. He could see forward, and he told us stories.” I told him the whole story about the Exception, and he didn’t say anything for a long time.
When he finally did say something, he mumbled it too quietly for me to hear, so I asked him to repeat it. “We have a lot of responsibility now. I mean… she’s the only hope for the rest of the world, I guess. We can’t mess that us.”
I nod. “It’ll be a lot of work.” Then, I think of something. “She’ll need leadership skills. Where is she supposed to get those? I’m definitely not a leader. I can’t even come up with an actual plan to get myself out of here. How am I supposed to raise her to be a leader and lead an entire revolution?” He shakes his head.
“Well, let’s not worry about that tonight. It’s a lot to soak in for one night. Let’s get some rest, and we can worry about that in the morning.” I nod and stand up so that I can get ready for bed. When I get under the covers, I’m instantly asleep.
For the next couple weeks, I wake up puking, then take Belle to play with Aron. We see less and less of Sarah as she and Max get plans together for their wedding.
After three and a half months, it’s time to go see if the baby is a boy or a girl. Mathew gets the day off, and he and I take Belle into Dr. Pender’s office and get ready for the ultrasound. I lay down on the bed and Mathew and Belle sit in the chairs against the wall.
The computer next to me hums as Dr. Pender presses buttons and gets ready. “Let’s see this baby,” she says.
It’s only my second ultrasound for this pregnancy. The first was two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, just to make sure that everything was as it should be.
Now, we all sit, waiting for the image to appear on the screen. She puts blue gel on my stomach, spread it around with the camera, and then turns the monitor on.
I see my baby, its tiny arms and small fingers. Dr. Pender moves the camera around and points to a spot on the screen. “See that?” she asks me.
I nod and smile, then look over at Mathew. “Congratulations. You’ve got a son.” I reach out my hand and intertwine my fingers with his.
I look over at Dr. Pender, but she’s not sharing the happy moment. Her face is contorted, her beautiful features distorted by frustration and confusion. “What’s wrong?” I ask her. I look at the screen, trying to find a defect, something missing or something there, something that isn’t right.
She turns a knob on the computer, but nothing changes. She hits the volume button on the computer, turning it all the way up. All we hear is the silent noise of an unborn baby, waiting for delivery. A delivery that won’t come.
“I can’t find a heartbeat,” she says.

Chapter 14

We go back to our room, numb. Belle didn’t quite understand what happened, but she does know that something’s wrong. The three of us don’t say a word as we walk down the hall.
We get in the door and Belle goes straight to the corner with her toys, leaving Mathew and I alone to talk. She usually does this, leaves us alone when she knows she can’t do anything to comfort me. As soon as the door shuts, Mathew’s arms are around me. I lean against him as silent tears roll down my face. “I’m so sorry, Mathew,” I say. “So, so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he says. He tries not to sound too disappointed, but I can hear the sadness in his voice and see the tears in his eyes. “It’s not anything you could have changed.”
“I want to be able to give you a child, Mathew. One of your own, not borrowed from someone else. I want you to have a child that you can look at and be proud of because he’s your creation. I want to give you someone that you can love. And I can’t even do that. I’m a failure.”
His hand, which was rubbing my back, stops. “No. You may not be able to give me a son right now. But you can give me a beautiful home, and a little girl who I can raise as my own. And you have given me love, Meagan. But of all, you’ve given me hope. Hope that one day, my children or my grandchildren will live in a world where they won’t be in a dictatorship with no freedom and no rights. You have given me everything.”
I shake my head, but don’t say anything. He guides me over to the bed and lays me down under the covers. “Get some sleep, and I’ll take care of Belle today.” As I close my eyes, I realize for the first time just how tired I really am. I fall asleep in minutes.
I wake up to the sound of pots crashing to floor. I hear a splash of water, the sound of someone crying. I launch myself out of the bed and into the kitchenette.
There’s boiling water, noodles, and a pot on the floor. Belle is sitting on a chair, seemingly unharmed. I go over to her and make sure she’s okay, and I don’t see anything wrong with her. Mathew is at the sink, running his hand under cold water.
I looked in the book for something to make for dinner, to take the load off of you. I was just going to drain the noodles, then a big bubble popped and it splashed water on me and then I dropped the pot and everything… yeah.” He looks at the ground and runs his hand through his hair.
I look at his hand, but don’t see any damage. “But you’re okay?” I ask him.
He nods. “Yeah,” he says. He looks at Belle. “And she didn’t get splashed or anything. She just got scared.” I start cleaning up the noodles, and seeing that the danger has bapped, Belle climbs off the chair and helps me. After the noodles are off the floor, Mathew takes a towel and wipes up the water. I look around the room, a sigh escaping my lips.
“Why don’t we go to the cafeteria to eat?” I suggest. We sit down with our food, but I don’t even take one bite. We come back to the room after dinner, and I take out a deck of cards. “Belle, do you want to play ‘Go Fish’?” She nods vigorously, and I deal out two hands. “Mathew, are you going to play too?” I deal him a hand before he can answer, but he doesn’t seem disappointed when I pat the chair next to me.
For the rest of the night, we play cards and we forget about the disaster that happened only a few hours ago. When I go to bed, though, things aren’t good. Once my mind has time to roam, time to remember, it travels to the room where I received the type of news that destroys you.
I know that I’ll never look at that room the same way. That kind of news crushes every molecule, reducing you to a tiny cube. It takes a part of you away that you can never get back. It destroys your excitement, distorts your smile. It changes you.
The news that my body had once again failed to keep a child alive changed me into someone I don’t want to be. Someone who falls over and collapses at the slightest touch, the smallest word. Afraid to love, I hardly talk to Mathew now. It’s been three months since my baby died, and I haven’t had a single conversation with Mathew since.
Of course, we do communicate every once in a while. We have a kid, remember? Belle requires us to communicate. But that’s the only thing that I talk to him about. He tried to talk to me, but I choose to ignore him. At night, I shy away from his touch, dodge his kiss. Loving just hurts too much.
The only joy in my day is Belle. Taking her to the cafeteria so she can play with Aron, playing with her in the room, are the only happy parts of my day.
Julie can sometimes get a few words out of me, but mostly we just sit and watch our kids play together, pretending not to have a care in the word.
I’ve lost Sarah completely. She’s married now, and only comes by about once every two weeks. She doesn’t stay long, though, because she knows I don’t like company.
One day, as I’m taking Belle to play with Aron, Dr. Pender stops me. “Are you going down to see Julie and Aron?” I nod. “Go drop off Belle and then come back up here. There’s something important that I need to talk to you about.”
I nod again, but don’t say anything out loud. She places a hand on my shoulder. “And Meagan, remember that loss is a part of life. It’s not the end of the world.”
I walk Belle down to Julie’s floor. I quickly explain that I can’t stay, but will be back for Belle soon. As I’m walking back to Dr. Pender’s office, I feel something change. Of course this isn’t the end of the world.

The only way that it could be the end of the world is if I let it get in the way. I have to make sure that Belle gets the things she needs to be able to save the world. I have to give her those things.
By the time I get to Dr. Pender’s office, things fit together again. I’m no longer afraid of love, but I now want to run straight into it. I know that there was a reason that my baby didn’t make it. It was a lesson. Even after everything I’ve been through, I still haven’t learned to let go.
I walk into the office and plop onto the couch as if I am care-free and have nothing to worry about. It’s an act, of course. In the short amount of time that it took to walk from Julie’s room to here, I wasn’t completely cured of my depression. But I need to make an effort to look like I’m okay. For Belle. Looking at Dr. Pender’s expression, I think that maybe I do have things to worry about after all.
“Meagan, things are bad. I’m actually not supposed to talk to you about this, but it affects you.” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if you know this or not. But for the Azuli that can see into the future, we make them record every new vision that they have. Recently, a man had a vision of a revolution. And to signal the other rebels, they used pennies.” That instantly grabs my attention. “Everyone things that you’re going to start the revolution, and lead it.”
“But that doesn’t mean anything,” I say. “It could be another Penny. Or someone who’s not even named Penny. It could be some random person that’s leading the revolution.” It could be my daughter.

“I know, Meagan. I know. Just be careful, okay? Lay low for a while. Try your best not to bring attention to yourself.”
I nod. “Thanks for looking out for me. Will you let me know if you hear anything else about it?”
“Of course. But no one can know that I told you. Try not to make it obvious that you know.” She walks me to the door of the office, and places a hand on my shoulder for the second time today. “Be careful, Meagan.”
I go back to Julie’s room to help her watch the kids. For a couple minutes after I come in, it’s silent. Finally, I say, “Sorry that I’ve been so distant the past couple months. I shouldn’t have blocked everyone out. You’d think that by now I’d be used to losing people. I guess not, though.”
She looks shocked to hear words coming out of my mouth. She starts to say something, but then stops before sound has a change to escape. “I know that it’s not the end of the world, and I need to stop being so depressed so that I can actually be a mother to Belle and a wife to Mathew.”
A smile spreads across her face. This time, when she talks, she actually gets it all out. “Well, welcome back, Meagan.”
We talk for hours. She talks about how, after almost four years, she’s finally getting her friends back. I talk about how, after three months, I have to get Mathew back. We talk about the kids, and we talk about the Academy and how it’s changed. “I hear the new warden is trying to get it so that we can have supervised visits outside of the Academy,” she tells me.
“Really? That seems strange, especially since we’re not even allowed to go to different floors within this building.” She nods. “But the world is changing. Maybe this dictatorship is finally coming to an end.”
After a while, I take Belle back up to our room and start getting dinner ready for Mathew. It’s been three months since I made anything, and I stand by the sink for a while, trying to decide what to make. Finally, I decide to make grilled cheese sandwiches. I grab two slices of bread for each of us, and start slicing the cheese. While they’re on the stove, Mathew comes home. “Hi, Mathew,” I say, and go over to give him a kiss.

Chapter 15

It’s the first time in months that my lips have come in contact with any part of his body. It’s like fire and ice, day and night. “I missed you,” he murmurs when we break apart.”
“I know. I’m sorry for leaving like that.” I go to check on the sandwiches, and flip them. “But I’m okay now.” I laugh a bit. “Well, I’m going to pretend that I’m okay until I really am. I had a talk with Dr. Pender that really changed things, and I realized what my priorities are.” I put a sandwich on a plate and carry them to the table. “Belle, come eat your sandwich.”
“How did you do it so quickly? Just this morning, you were like a zombie.”
“Dr. Pender helped me realize that I have a job to do. I have to raise this child to be able to save the world. I can’t do that if I’m not really here.” As we eat, Mathew keeps looking at me, a huge smile on his face. “What?” I say, after he’s smiled at me for the eleventh time.
“Nothing,” he answers. “It’s just good to have my Meagan back.” As he says this, his hand wraps around mine.
“Well, it’s good to be back.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A couple of weeks pass, and I’m back to my old sel. I have all my friends back, and I almost always have a smile on my face. Pretending to be alright has actually helped me heal, and the empty spot in my chest grows smaller every day.
But at the same time, the smile hides so much. Every couple days, I learn more about the revolution. And it’s not good.
The revolution that the man saw has officially begun. Slowly but surely, people are starting to revolt. Using small acts of rebellion, people are creating a wave that reaches from one end of the continent for the other. No one is answering the doors when the Vipero comes to pay their daily visits, and people are refusing to buy certain products that the government has required them to purchase.
There has only been one official riot, though. It happened in the town that I used to live in, and seven people were killed. Of those seven people, my parents were two.
When Dr. Pender told me, I didn’t know how to react. I wish I would have cried, but I couldn’t. I don’t know them enough to be able to cry over their deaths.
I have kept the details about the revolution secret- I didn’t even tell Mathew. Instead, I dream about it, and other times I can’t get to sleep because my thoughts are racing around the idea of a revolution, of freedom.
Mathew notices that I have something on my mind, but I don’t tell him no matter how much he begs. I know that he can’t stand to not know, that he hates not being able to be there for me. He’s scared that I’ll go back to how I was. But I can’t tell him.
So at night I lay alone with my thoughts. It’s been a week since I got any sleep. But tonight, I am not alone. Tonight, Collin is here to talk things over with me.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Collin. Almost a year, I think. But he’s here tonight, and I think that I might finally get some sleep after he leaves. He’s helping me to understand my thoughts.
“Meagan, people have always rebelled. Think of the American revolution. They felt that things were unfair, so they revolted against England and became free. Of course that was thousands of years ago, but that war was fought on the same soil as this one will be fought, and the blood of the revolutionaries runs through the veins of today’s rebels. The taste of freedom is one that they are familiar with. Then there’s the French. They weren’t fighting for independence from another country, but from their own government. They didn’t like how things were being run, so they worked together to change things. All the civil wars in the third world countries were trying to make a difference, make history. And that’s what these people are trying to do now. All that they need is a leader.”
I nod, and the movement makes Mathew shift. “I understand that,” I whisper to him. “But what I don’t understand is why I’m tied into all of this. It’s not like I started the revolution.”
“Actually, you did,” he tells me. “Maybe not outside the Academy, but you started your own little rebellion by trying to escape.” I start to shake my head. “When everyone found out that you tried, you were a hero. Most people believed that you really were killed. But there were some who believed that you got away. For a couple weeks, all Hell broke loose down there.”
“There’s no way that I could possibly be a hero.” Mathew moves again, so I bring my voice back down to a whisper. “I didn’t do anything but fall for a stupid trap.”
“But you gave them hope. By leaving them with a mystery, you gave them hope.” I shake my head, but Collin just nods. “I have to go now,” he says. “Just remember, Penny. I’m always thinking of you. And I know that you will do great things.”
I try to grasp his hand, but he’s dissolving before my eyes. “Collin, please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.” But he leaves anyway. I turn to Mathew and sob into his chest.
In the morning, Mathew brushes my hair out of my face. “Meagan, you’ll never be alone, not as long as I’m here.” I just snuggle closer to him. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I’m sorry for hurting you all the time.” Belle joins the hug, and I can’t help but smile. “You guys are my world, you know that? There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you guys.”
I drift back to sleep, and wake up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I slowly slip out of bed and go to see who’s at the door. When I see the people out in the hall, all my energy is drained from my body.
“What do you want?” I ask the group of Vipero.
“We need your Memories. Follow us, please,” says the short one in the front. I don’t know what else to do, so I obey.
They lead me to one of the doctor’s rooms, but it’s been changed. Instead of the bed and medical tools and machines that usually inhabit these rooms, there is a single chair, with a single desk. On the desk, I see a lamp, a paper, and a pencil.
“We need to know what the governments did to fight back against the rebels. How were they destroyed? How were they crushed into submission? Draw the Memories and tell us how to win this war.” He pushes me inside and locks the door. It’s dark, so I feel my way to the desk, turn on the lamp.
I sit in the chair and think. How do they know that I know about the revolution?

I look at the paper. There are three pieces. Three Memories. Three ways that they will manage to keep us as prisoners in this building, keep the citizens outside under their control. I can’t give them that.
But I sit down anyway, close my eyes, put the pencil to my paper and begin. Ad I finish one, I move on to another, on another sheet of paper.
When I’m done, I looks at my drawings and smile. I flip the sheets over and write on the back. The first drawing is of the Boston Tea Party. I write:
Tired of the ridiculous laws and regulations of Great Britain, colonists snuck onto a ship and dumped an entire cargo of tea into the harbor. The authorities were unable to stop, or even identify, the patriots.

The next picture is of men signing an important document.
The Declaration of Independence. The colonists decided that they weren’t going to put up with the English running their country. So they declared independence.

The third drawing is a little more complicated. It’s of a battle. Guns and cannons, explosions and fires. But in the center, still flying, is the American flag. On the back of the page, it says:
In the midst of all the destruction, the flag of the patriots still stood as a reminder of what they were after. The flag was a symbol of strength, of freedom. This exact flag may never fly again. But there will be a new symbol of strength and of freedom that will appear throughout the streets and cities once again someday soon.

At the bottom of the page, I write, “’Give me liberty, or give me death!’ –Patrick Henry.”
I stand up, turn the lamp off, and find the red dot on the wall. When I hear the door unlock, I walk out and go back to my family.

Chapter 16

Around dinner time, the Vipero pay me another visit. “The Warden would like to see you,” says the small one, the same one who had spoken earlier. He was small in build, but it was obvious that he was in charge, that he knew exactly what he was doing, and that he didn’t care that he terrorized people for a living.
I told Mathew that I’d be back in a bit, then shut the door before he could ask me any questions about where I was going. I followed the Vipero down the elevator and through the white hallways beneath Floor One until we found ourselves in front of the Warden’s door.
He’s a new warden. He only started a couple weeks ago. The Vipero leave me, and I knock on the door. The Warden answers and invites me inside. There’s a huge screen on the wall to my left, and I study the man whose face appears on it.
His hair is very short, his uniform crisp, clean, and decorated with many pins and medals. His eyes are brown, his lips thin and pale. A scar runs down the center of his forehead onto his nose and all the way to his chin. Another scar stretches across his face laterally, from one ear to the other. It looks as if someone tried to cut his face open. Even as mangled as it is, his face seems familiar.
“What happened to your face?” I blurt, then cover my mouth with my hands. I hadn’t meant to be so rude, but I couldn’t help it.
He just laughs. “That is another story, for another time, young lady. For now, I would appreciate it if you didn’t make comments about it. Right now, I want you know what you were trying to pull with those drawings earlier.” He nods to the Warden, who waves the drawings in my face.
“I was told to draw how the governments contained the revolutions. Well, they couldn’t. You see, if someone is willing to die for a certain cause, their will to win is stronger than that of the opposing force. When you’re willing to die for a cause, you can’t be beaten. Because even by killing them, you are giving them freedom.”
“You think you’re real smart, don’t you, girl?” he snarls at me. “Just where do you get this information?”
I snort, trying to hold back laughter. “Isn’t it obvious? I’ve got thousands of years of history that no one ever told you. You only have the history of the New World.” I snort again. “That won’t give you any wisdom, or let you know how the world works. All that will do is make you think that this New World is the only way of life. I pity you. You and everyone else without the Memories. You’re perfectly happy living as slaves to a dictator, just because you know nothing else.”
He laughs at me. “Me? A slave? You know nothing, girl. My master, the Great Dictator, and I are very close friends.”
This time, I don’t make an effort to hide my laughter. “Really? Because my husband and I are close, and I don’t call him Great Husband. I call him Mathew. I don’t call Belle Great Daughter. I call her Belle. I call Julie Julie, and Aron is Aron. Macy was called Macy, and Jack wasn’t ever called anything but Jack. These are the people that I’m close to, and I call them by their names.” I shake my head at him.
“And ‘my master?’” I turn to the Warden. “Can you believe him?” I pause. “Nevermind. You’re just like him. You know who calls people ‘master’? Dogs and slaves. Slaves that are afraid to stand up for themselves. Slaves that are forced to do what their master tells them to. And stupid slaves who are blind to what really goes on. Slaves who are stupid enough to think that their master will make an exception when he destroys everything.
“The ‘Great Dictator’” I continue, putting air quotes around “Great Dictator,” “will destroy everything in order to keep his position of power. He’ll destroy anything that poses as a remote threat. He will destroy the both of you, and your homes and your families and all you’ve ever known. The only reason that he might consider sparing you is that you’re too stupid to see that all of this is going on.” I laugh a cruel laugh. “You’re pathetic. I hope he destroys everyone who’s ever been close to you.” I spit at the spot where his feet would be if he were actually here, and then I turn and leave the room.
To my surprise, no one follows me. No alarms sound, no red lights flash, and no one comes to arrest me. It makes me nervous, because I know that they won’t let me get away with that. No way, Jose.

I’m in big trouble, so why aren’t they doing anything?
I get back to the room without being stopped by anyone. “I don’t like this,” I say once I’m in the door. “Mathew, something’s not right.”
He looks up from his dinner. “Come eat, and then you can explain to me what happened. But you’re food’s getting cold.” I hadn’t expected that reaction. After disappearing without an explanation, and coming back talking in vague terms about things going downhill, I expected him to be more… out of control, maybe. But he’s oddly calm. I sit down to eat my grilled cheese, and Belle and Mathew both study my movements until I swallow my last bite. “Okay,” he says. “Now what happened?”

Chapter 17

I tell him about the drawings, and about the conversation I had with the man on the screen. I described him, and then I told Mathew, “I don’t know who he is, but I know that he’s pretty important to the government. Why else would he have all those medals, or think that the dictator is his close friend?” I throw my hands in the air. “I spit at him! Why haven’t they arrested me yet?”
Mathew laughs. “Calm down. He’s had things much worse that spit hurled at him. From your description, I think I know who he is. He’s in charge of the armed forces. The Vipero. His parents were scientists, and they experimented on him when he was a kid. That’s what the scars are from. He’s got others all over his body, but his uniform covers them. Finally, one day he decided that he’d had enough of them ripping him apart. He killed both of his parents using the scalpels and other tools that they used on him. He was only thirteen when that happened. When he had his trial, they said that his crime was justified, so he didn’t go to prison. He finished growing up in an orphan’s home, and his anger never left him. When he got older, the dictator selected him to be in charge of the Vipero. He figured that in order to command someone to do the types of things that Vipero do, you have to be so consumed with anger that you know nothing else. He was perfect for the job.
I just look at him, completely incredulous. “How do you know all of this?” I ask him.
He looks at the ground. “He had two sons. Different mothers. The brothers were close in age, and they had a strong friendship. But one of them was an Azulate. When he was sent here to the Academy, the man didn’t say a word, didn’t wave at his son, nothing. He stood there, stripped of all emotion as his son was taken away forever. The other was sent here as a sanitation worker so that their dad wouldn’t have to pay any attention to him.”
He pauses, and I think about the story. I’ve heard it from somewhere, but I don’t know where. I look at him, and then I remember where I’ve heard this same story, from another boy.
“My brother turned five. It was a couple weeks after my fifth birthday. We didn’t have the same mom. And he was… he is, I guess, an Azulate. And I’ll never forget the day that he was taken. My father… he just stood there. He didn’t give him a hug, he didn’t even say anything to him.” He shook his head. “After that day, I hated him. For the next eleven years, I didn’t want anything to do with him. Then I turned sixteen, and he sent me to work here so that he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.”

Earlier in the conversation, this boy had mentioned the medals and the government job. I put all the pieces together, and shook my head. It can’t be him,

I thought.
But a look at Mathew confirms that my assumption was correct. “Collin,” I whisper. “You mean her grandfather,” I point to Belle, “is the man that she will have to go up against some day?” Mathew nods. “Well that’s just great. What if she ends up just like him?”
Mathew shakes his head. “That won’t happen. I promise you.”
“How do you know? She’s supposed to lead the revolution. How can she do that if evil is in her genes?”
He just takes a deep breath. “Evil doesn’t skip a generation. It either stops, or it passes on to the very next generation. Collin wasn’t evil. So Belle won’t be evil.”
I nod, although I don’t quite understand his logic. I think about all the things that almost always skip a generation. Why is evil any different?

“Okay, I guess. But you said that he had another son, an Azulate. Who was that?” He just looks at me, his eyes heavy with the sadness that gives away the answer. “Oh.”

Chapter 18

A week’s gone by, and I’m still free. I haven’t been arrested, and no one’s said anything to me about my rant. But I’m always on my toes, always waiting for someone to come and take me away. But it hasn’t happened yet. And I’m tired of waiting.
Fortunately, I don’t have to wait much longer. I’m taking Belle to lunch when I run into a group of Vipero. “We were just on our way to your room,” says one. He must be new here, because I’ve never seen him before.
“Can I go get this young lady some lunch first?” I ask them, gesturing to Belle. “She’s a growing girl. Needs her food.”
The new guard shakes his head. “Orders are to take her to Dr. Pender until we’re done with you.” He steps forward and extends his hand to her. “Hey, Belle.” A soft, comfortable voice has replaced his hard, indifferent voice as he speaks to her. “Let’s go see Dr. Pender.” She grabs hold of his hand and allows him to lead her down the hall.
“Okay, where are you guys taking me?” I turn to the remaining Vipero. I don’t recognize any of them either, which is strange. I’ve been here for fourteen years, and I’ve never seen such a big group of new young men to rule over us.
“You’re going to come draw for us,” says one. He starts to walk away.
“Again? You guys don’t get it, do you? I won’t give you what you want. I’m not going to betray my family and friends, and millions of innocent people, just to make you guys happy. I’ll fight you every step of the way, no matter what you do. I won’t give in.”
The leader of the group just snickers. “You think you’re so tough, right? You think we can’t break you?” A grin appears on his face, a grin that almost knocks me over. It isn’t quite evil, but it’s the next step down. It’s the desire for power, so strong that the carrier of this emotion will do whatever it takes to get the power. I’ve seen this look before, only once. I’ve seen it on a screen, in an office below Floor One. But I’ve never seen it on someone so young. “We’ll see about you, Meagan.”
For the rest of the time, we don’t speak. He leads me to the same cleared-out office, but there is another Vipero waiting at the door.
“Every morning after you eat, you are to report to this room. You will draw a Memory that explains how we can win this revolution. Belle will go to Dr. Pender’s room. You must be in this room for two hours each morning. You may draw as many Memories as you like.” He opens the door as if he is a gentleman holding the door for his date. “Any questions?”
“Yes, actually. Why me? You know that I won’t give in. So why waste your time with me?”
“Scientific reasons. We have several experiments riding on this. But there is also another reason. You are the only one who knows about the revolution.” With his tone, he dares me to tell anyone else. With his glare, he tells me what will happen if I do tell anyone. With his smile, he wishes that I tell someone.
Before I can say anything back to him, I’m pushed through the open door and am plunged into darkness as the door is shut.
Being locked in a DarkRoom has a strange effect on you. It’s a strange sensation that you never get used to, but you never forget.
It’s the feeling of being trapped. You can’t get out, you can’t go anywhere, until you do what they want. You’re trapped in your body, alone with your thoughts as you decide each day what to do. Do you stay in that room forever, so they don’t get satisfaction? Or do you give them what they want? A piece of history, a piece of you, that you not only lose forever, but that keeps you from ever having freedom. It’s knowing that, every day, you must give yet another piece for them to add to their collection. One more piece that you will never get back.
It’s been almost four years since I felt this sensation. It’s been a long time, but I am quickly reminded of the purpose of my existence. As far as others are concerned, I am to spend my life in a room like this, drawing pieces of the past.
I sit in the chair for a few minutes, trying to make my decision. Drawing what they want will break me. It will make me their puppet, something I’ve worked hard not to be for a long time. But drawing something else will be yet another rebellious act, and I don’t know how many strikes I have left.
But there’s a point when you stop caring about what happens to you. There’s a point when you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you did the thing that would keep you safe. There’s a time when right and wrong blend and mix, leaving you confused. There’s a time when other people- strangers that you’ll never meet- mean more than your life.
It may seem strange, but this is one of those times. You’re probably thinking that I’m being overly dramatic, that it’s just a little rebellion that will die out. But if I do my best to start a rebellion here in the Academy, then it might give the rebellion on the outside a chance.
So after about ten minutes of thinking, I press my pencil to my paper and begin to draw. When I’m done, I smile. Some might not understand, but I know that some will.
It’s a park on a sunny day. Moms and dads sitting on benches, kids running around on the playground. People are holding hands, walking their dogs, buying ice cream from the ice cream truck.
It’s a scene that doesn’t exist anymore. The New World doesn’t have parks, with playgrounds or ice cream trucks. There are no pets allowed now, as they aren’t practical. And casual displays of affection, like holding hands, are almost unheard of. One shows that they’re romantically attached to someone only on special occasions and in their own home.
I flip it over and write. I write about the harmony of things when people are free to choose. I write that people are happy, more likely to cooperate when they have freedom.
I take it to the red dot, and then I wait. The next hour and 45 minutes are longer than an entire day. With nothing to do, no one to talk to, I almost fall asleep. But my overactive mind won’t allow me to spend the rest of the time in sweet unconsciousness. I think about the revolution, and what my punishment will be once they finally decide that I won’t be any help to them.
When the time is up, I hear the click of the door being unlocked. I calmly walk out, and am surprised that the hallway is empty. I head to Dr. Pender’s office to pick up Belle, and then carry on with the rest of my day as normal.
For the next week, I fall back into the same type of routine that I had when I was on Floor One. Wake up, eat breakfast, draw a Memory, spend the rest of my day talking to people. At lunch, I stay in my room and talk to the man that I love, and watch him go back to work.
To some people, routine means safety. To me, though, it means danger. There’s always something that catches you off guard, destroys your routine so suddenly that you are unable to react.

Chapter 19

The first disturbance comes two and a half weeks into my routine, when the Vipero outside the DarkRoom stops me. “Why haven’t you cooperates? Why do you insist on causing trouble for yourself?” I’m pushed into the room before I can react. When I sit on the chair, I hear a low hum.
The sound is old and forgotten, but familiar. I look to the walls and see two blue spots, illuminated by the electricity they contain. Next, I hear the mechanical whir as the blue spots come closer to me, their metal arms just as full of electricity. The familiar feeling of terror engulfs me, freezes me. Just like all those times before, I can’t move. My brain tells me to scoot the chair back to avoid them, but my body won’t obey.
When the arms finally reach me, I’m shocked at how painful it is. I never remembered if hurting so much. This pain is also different, like I’m being stabbed as well as electrocuted. The blue electricity seems to flow in my blood, cooking me from the inside out.
When the mechanical arms retract, I discover why the sensation had been so different. I feel blood running down my arm, and know that spikes are attached to the end of the prods.
I sit for a few minutes, applying pressure to stop the blood flow. When the crimson liquid stops, I take a few deep breaths.
Today, my drawing is just like the others, a glimpse at freedom or rebellion. My drawing is another reason why people are revolting.
When I’ve placed my paper on the red dot, I sit and wait. I still have over an hour, and I spend that time drawing smiley faces on a clean sheet of paper, slowly losing my mind.
Each day after that, I leave another piece of myself in that room as the spikes cut deeper and the electrical charge is held against my skin even longer.
Each day as I pick up Belle, Dr. Pender gives me a sad look, until eventually she can’t even meet my eyes.
Each night at dinner, Mathew asks me why I don’t just give in to them. “Pretty soon, you’ll need stitches, and you’re not yourself anymore. I wake up each morning terrified that this will be the last day, that you’ll go back to not saying a word. I can’t handle that. Why won’t you just give them what they want?”
“Why? To help them crush these people who only want freedom? To help people like your father destroy the hopes and dreams of millions of people?”
Since that day, all those weeks ago, when I met with the Warden, I’ve thought about the man on the screen. How he is not only the grandfather of my baby, the father of my first love, but also the father of my husband.
I haven’t said much to Mathew about it, though, because I know that he is ashamed to have any connection to a man like that. But tonight, as I spit the words at him, I see him crumble.
“I’m sorry, Mathew. But I can’t do it. I can’t let them win.” For the rest of the night, he doesn’t say a word to me. He takes Belle into her corner and plays with her as I sit and watch.
The next day, I know I’m forgiven because he gives me a kiss before heading off to work. When I drop Belle off with Dr. Pender, she stops me before I leave.
“Do you know what the day after tomorrow is?” I shake my head. “Belle’s fourth birthday. I want to have a little celebration for her, just a family thing. Is that okay with you?”
I nod. Dr. Pender and Julie have always helped me with Belle when I’ve failed to do my job completely. Like when I forget my own daughter’s birthday. Of course you can. I’ll see if Mathew can get the day off, and I might be able to also.” She just nods, and looks at my shoulders.
“I’m really sorry about this, Meagan,” she says. “I’ve tried to get them to stop, but they won’t listen to me. I’ve done everything I can. I don’t even know how they know that you know about the revolution. But they’re determined to break you. You better brace yourself, because it hasn’t even started yet.”
I walk to the DarkRoom on autopilot, only moving forward because of how familiar I am with the floor. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think. How much worse can it get?

When I greet the Vipero standing at the door, I ask if I can have a day off for Belle’s birthday. He reluctantly tells me that he’ll ask, and then pushes me into the room.
The next two days go by super quickly, and nothing happens. When I wake up on Belle’s birthday, I have a huge smile on my face.
“Happy birthday, Belle!” I say. I get up and start making scrambled eggs. When Mathew wakes up, he gives me a kiss on the cheek.
“Can you believe she’s already four?” he asks. I just shake my head. “That means it’s been almost five years since I’ve known you.” He looks me over. “You’re definitely not fifteen anymore.”
I don’t know if it’s a compliment of not, so I just give him an exhausted look. “I don’t feel fifteen anymore.” I lean against the counter for a minute. “Fifteen is way too young to have a baby.”
He nods, and for a moment he remains silent. Finally, he opens his mouth to speak. “Meagan, what do you think we’d be doing right now, if we weren’t here, if we weren’t Azuli?”
“I don’t know.” I move the pan off the burner, then go sit at the table. “I never lived out there long enough to find out what I like to do.” I take a deep breath. “But I’m not out there. I’m in here. And in here, I’m a mother, and a wife.”

Part 3

Chapter 20

My eyes shoot open, but then close again right away, all because of the pain.
Two years ago, when Dr. Pender warned me that the Academy was just getting started, I didn’t believe that they would actually increase the torture. Now, I know that she was right.
I’ve fallen out of the chair, am writhing on the ground. But the cattle prods that I had become so familiar with are now balls of spikes, attached to the wall by wires. The spikes remain attached to my arms, the electricity continues to fry me on the inside and the outside.
Finally, the flow of electricity is cut. The pain isn’t over yet, though. I try to relax the muscles in my arms, so that the spikes penetrating my skin will withdraw easily. That’s the problem with writhing on the ground, though. You’re tense, unable to relax for minutes after the pain has stopped. But they don’t give me minutes. The spikes cut my skin even more on the way out, and I gasp from the pain.
The door unlocks, but I can’t move across the floor and to my room. But even if I could move, I wouldn’t be allowed to. I have a visitor. The Warden throws open the door.
“Damn it, Meagan!” he yells. “Why do you keep doing this? Why can’t you just give us the information? I’m tired of having to clean your blood up off the floor.”
I manage to slowly move into a sitting position. For several minutes, I just look at him. He looks exhausted. It almost makes me smile. Riots have broken out on all of the floors. Even though they have no way of knowing about the revolution that’s threatening to come together, the Azuli are all able to sense that something is going on.
I think about what he said. I decide not to point out that I’m not willingly spilling my blood out on the ground, but instead, I ask him why he’s still after me.
“Why do you need me? The revolution is under control. It has been for a long time.” It wasn’t help from me that gave them the ability to control the riots and small battles. People were lost, and the remaining rebels went into hiding to regroup and recover so that they could have a stronger army once they have a leader.
They don’t know it yet, but that leader is only six years old. She’s playing with Aron right now, watched by Julie. They don’t know it yet, but that leader is the granddaughter of their enemy.
“They will not be contained for long,” says that Warden, cutting into my thoughts. “Soon, they will come back, stronger, more organized, and smarter. And that’s when we’ll need your help.”
I shake my head. “I won’t help you. I don’t know why I can’t get it through your head. Besides, I know that you really don’t care about the revolution’s outcome. I know that you disagree with the way that things are run. Why are you so desperate to get me to help you?”
I still don’t have enough strength to stand, but my eyes drill into his. He sighs, sits down in the chair. He puts his head in his hands and for a few minutes, he’s silent.
“They have my family. If I don’t get something useful out of you, they’ll… I don’t know what they’ll do. But we both know that it won’t be good.” I sit there for a minute, shocked. Are they really that desperate? And if they are, why don’t they get some other Azuli to draw out plans for them? Reading my unspoken thoughts, he says, “The others can’t know of a revolution. It would give them hope.”
I think about his family. They I think of my loved ones who have been taken from me. My parents. Macy. Jack, who’s not dead, but still inaccessible. Collin. Losing them was painful, but also necessary for the revolution.
“I’m sorry about your family,” I say. “But I can’t endanger the lives of millions to save less than a dozen. They shouldn’t have brought your family into this. But there’s nothing I can do.”
I use the table to pull myself up off the ground. I stumble across the room, and lean against the wall on my way back to the room. I don’t waste my energy to go get Belle. Julie will bring her up when it’s time, then clean my wounds as she usually does. I don’t turn the light on as I go into my room, but crumple to the floor a few feet away from the door.
I wake up on my bed, and I hear Mathew talking to someone. “... to stop. She can’t physically handle this anymore. And mentally? She hardly talks to me anymore. It’s not like it was after the miscarriage, but she has no energy for anything other than small talk. Her body is working double time to make enough blood for her to survive the next day. And have you seen the gashes? They haven’t had a chance to heal, and the flash is burned. They’re killing her!” I move to the doorway so I can hear better. When Belle turned five, they decided to add a bedroom for Mathew and I, so we have more privacy.
Mathew sits at the table with Julie. “I know, Mathew. I know. I don’t like it either. I’m scared for her. There’s no way that she’ll be able to make it very much longer. They don’t even treat her as a human. It’s as if she’s a beast that needs to be contained.”
“I’m fine,” I say firmly. They look over at me, surprised to see me awake. I move towards them and pull out a chair. “Today was just bad because the Warden came to visit.”
Mathew is shaking, his anger visible in his eyes, his clenched fists, everything. I look to Belle’s bed, where she and Aron are playing. “Belle and Aron,” I say. Their heads turn to look at me. “Go into my room and play.” Without a word of protest they gather their toys and go into the bedroom. I wait for the door to click shut before I turn my attention back to Mathew and Julie.
“I can’t believe he has the nerve to go talk to you when you’re that weak. What does he think that will gain him? The pleasure of seeing you slowly be cooked?”
I shake my head slowly. “They have his family, Mathew. They won’t release them until he gets information from me.” I blink a long blink. “It doesn’t make what he’s doing right. But he’s in pain too.”
It’s silent for a minute. Finally, Julie speaks. “This is a war. People die, relatives are taken captive. Why would he think that his family would be spared?”

Chapter 21

The next day, there is no torture. In an odd way, it makes me even more tired. When I get to the dinner table that night, Mathew asked me what was wrong.
“This morning, I wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t stabbed. I wasn’t anything. I drew, waited until the door unlocked, and then I walked out. And that was it.” His face radiated happiness.
“That’s great! The torture’s over now! No more collapsing in pain!”
I just shake my head. “For now. But what if it’s just the eye of the storm? I just have a feeling that in a while, they’ll come up with something that’s much worse. They’ll do anything that they can to get this from me, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to prepare for that.”
His expression changes to one that I’ve learned to know. It is anger, concentrated into a moment so small that it scares me, but it passes quickly. I always wonder what would happen if he lost control in that small moment. Would I be safe? Would Belle?

I start to clear the table, but he stops me. “You need to rest up. When they start again, if you’re as weak and fragile and exhausted as you are now, it could kill you the first day that they start again. I won’t let that happen.
I start to argue, but then decide that he’s right. I go into the bedroom and climb into the bed, but it takes me a long time before I’m able to fall asleep. I keep thinking about my future.
Will being shocked so often affect my ability to have other children?

I remember, years ago, sitting at lunch and telling Mary that I’m terrible with kids. It’s different, though, with your own child. Your instinct takes over, and you know what to do. And in having Belle, I discovered that I want kids. When I’m dying, I want to be surrounded by the kids that I love.
But I know that certain things can prevent pregnancy. Is electrocution one of those things?
Over the next few months, I don’t have any problems. No one tortures me, and the Warden stays away. Finally, I let down my guard. I walk into the DarkRoom relaxed, unafraid of what the walls contain. Every day, I am calm and collected, no worries about being tortured.
And then it is Belle’s birthday. She’s turning seven, and she’s turning into a beautiful girl. She doesn’t talk very much, though. When she’s with Aron, she plays her games mostly in silence. When she talks at the dinner table, it’s in short sentences. For the most part, she observes everything that goes on around her.
And I can’t believe that it’s been seven years since she was born. It makes me feel old, even though I know I still have many, many years ahead of me.
But today isn’t about me. It’s about Belle. We are going to have a party for her tonight, with our close friends. Since it’s later on, I didn’t ask them to give me the day off. I figured that two hours in the morning won’t do me any harm.
I get to the DarkRoom and sit in the chair. Today, instead of drawing something rebellious, I decide to draw a birthday party. Maybe it’ll give someone a smile, somewhere. The world needs more of those.
After I draw the Memory, I wait for the door to unlock. I am sitting in the chair, dozing off when it begins.
It starts in my feet. It’s a burning sensation, as if my skin is on fire. I try to lift my feet off the ground, but I can’t move. The hear spreads, climbing my legs until it reaches my knees. It stays there for a moment, and the heat intensifies.
When it starts to expand to the rest of my body, it’s as if the pressure had been building. It shoots up my thighs to my waist, and stops again.
I still can’t move at all, and I’m scared. It goes up to my shoulders, and then slowly climbs up my neck, where it stops. For what feels like a hundred eternities, the heat stays, consuming my body in an invisible flame.
When I feel like I’m about to pass out from the pain, my body is thrown into shock. Now, instead of the intense heat, a freezing chill covers my skin. It’s like diving head-first into a freezing lake after soaking in a boiling tub of water. Times 17,000.
After the ice, my body has time to return to normal temperature. During that time, I’m still unable to move. I’m not sure why, but I can’t wait for it to stop.
When my body temperature is normal again, I feel something in my stomach. It seems to be moving. It’s light, and it tickles my insides. It follows my blood down my legs and up my torso, into my arms and to the ends of my fingers.
It’s a tickle that hurts, the kind that robs you of your breath. Then, when it recedes to my stomach, it is no longer something that tickles, but instead it is covered in sharp spikes that shred the insides of my veins, creating holes and rips for the blood to escape. As my blood drains from my veins, I feel myself go weak.
It’s tortures like this that I must endure for almost two hours. And through it all, I can’t move a muscle.
Finally, I hear the door unlock, and I can move. I don’t however, have the strength to move across that room. But I know that that’s not what they want me to do anyway, even if I did have the strength. I know that soon, someone will be standing in front of me with a smile on his face.
I’m right. But I wasn’t expecting this man. I see his scars first, and then the medals on his uniform. “Meagan. How are you?” I don’t answer him. I think about the things Collin and Mathew have told me about this man. “I see that our new technology has worked perfectly. You felt the fire first, right?” I don’t nod or say anything, but he must see it in my eyes as I remember the torture. “Excellent. And you were unable to move, correct?” Again, my eyes betray my answer.
He claps his hands together. “Amazing. Simply amazing. You see, we were testing a new device that will cause pain, but that leaves no physical evidence. If you check your body, on the inside or the outside, I guarantee that you will find no damage except for exhaustion.”
He pulls a chair from the shadows and sits in it. He leans forward, and I see the excitement in his eyes. “Pain,” he begins, “is all in the head. Your body can not feel pain if the brain doesn’t register it. The brain is the control center, and it will not allow certain things to be done. If it doesn’t want you to feel pain, you will not feel pain.
“This won’t stop your body from being damaged. Your body just won’t feel it. Not right away, at least. But my scientists figured that if your brain can make sure that you don’t feel something that is there, it can also make you feel something isn’t there.”
He smiles and leans back. “That, my girl, is where you come in. After you drew your pretty little picture, there was a pulse. You didn’t hear it, because humans can’t hear that frequency. But it did affect you. That single noise paralyzed you temporarily. While your body was rendered motionless, my scientists took control of your brain and made you feel like you were on fire.”
He stands and begins to walk around the room. “Normally, your brain would have told your body to react to this artificial fire. Since we had control of it, this didn’t happen. We played with your brain, made it think that you were on fire.” He smiles. “We then moved on to the ice, and everything that came after that.
“This technology took us months to develop. That is why you were given a break. We decided to test this on you first, because you are obviously very strong.” Suddenly, he changes the subject. “I hear that you have a husband and a child.” This time, I do nod.
“And I have been told that your husband is my son.” Once again, I nod. “And do you love my son?”
“Yes.” He looks at me for a moment. I try to figure out if he’s asking these questions out of curiosity or if he is planning on using this information against me.
“Does my son love you?”
“Both of them do,” I say. I hadn’t meant to give him this piece of information- that I knew Collin- but it slipped out.
He is surprised, just as I knew he would be. “You know Collin?” I nod. “And you say that he loves you. Do you love him?”
“I did.” I look him in the eye, trying to convince him, and myself, that I no longer love Collin. “That was a long time ago.”
“Oh.” He hasn’t bought it. “I actually just saw Collin the other day. He’s doing very well, that should make you happy. He doesn’t work for the Academy any more, either.” He looks to the corner of the room. “I regret sending him here, sometimes. Part of me thinks that I should have kept him at home. But the past is the past.” He looks at me again. I’m shocked to hear this, that he regrets giving up his son. In all the stories that I’ve heard, and each time that I have seen him, he seems like a heartless man who would never regret something like that.
“Yes, he is doing very well. He has a beautiful house, one that he built. A little ways outside of the city. A big tree in the yard, a picket fence, and it has blue shutters and a blue door.” He rubs his chin for a moment, and looks confused. “There is also a black flag hanging outside. I never understood that part.”
“It’s to show that he won’t surrender,” I whisper, smiling to myself. When I realize that I said it out loud, I hang my head.
“Interesting,” is all he says. He starts to get up, but then sits again. “Do you want to know more about him?” I don’t want to. But my head lifts anyway, and my eyes ears hunger for any information on her.
“He is married. Her name is Kate. She really is a beautiful girl. They will be celebrating their fifth anniversary in a few months. And they are expecting their second child shortly after that.” He smiles, and I know that he knows how much pain this is causing. He enjoys it. “Any other information that you want about your dear Collin?”
I almost say that I do. But I stop. Instead, I lean in close to him. And spit in his eye.
He is oddly calm about the whole thing. “That is the second time that you have insulted me in such a way,” he says. “It would be wise of you to remember that I am now in charge of your daily sessions in this room. I control what happens to you for two hours each day. And you should probably know that today, I was going easy on you.”
He leaves, and I try to stand. My legs haven’t recovered yet, so I just fall back to the chair. When I settle back against the metal chair, I realize how exhausted this new form of torture has made me. It’s as if my blood is full of lead, and it takes all my concentration to move my arm a couple inches.
I don’t know how long I stay there, but after a while, Belle comes looking for me. “Mom?” She pushes the door open, and walks over to me. “Are you alright?” She’s concerned, worried, scared. “Oh, no. What did they do to you?” Despite her fear, she remains calm.
I shake my head. I don’t want her to know what they did. That’s just one thing that, as a seven-year-old, she doesn’t need to know. “Belle, I need you to run and get your father. He’ll have to help me walk back to our room.”
In a couple minutes, Mathew comes running into the room. “Meagan.” He kneels by the chair, then looks at Belle. “Sweetie, I need you to go make sure that the bed ready for her. Your mother will need to sleep for a few hours.”
When she is gone, he grabs my hand. “Meagan, what did they do to you?” I explain it to him, but then I debate whether or not to tell him about his father. I decide not to, because it will only infuriate him further.
He helps me up, and we make the slow trip to our room. The walk has never felt so long, has never required so much energy. He guides me to the bed, then tucks me under the covers. “I’m going to fix this. I promise.” I try to tell him that it won’t work, but I can’t open my mouth. Instead, I close my eyes and fall into the world of dreams.

Chapter 22

I wake up a few hours later and I hear Mathew talking to Belle. “We probably won’t have your party tonight. You mom is in a lot of pain and she needs to rest. Okay? We’ll do something for your birthday some other time.”
“Mathew. Get in here!” He opens the bedroom door and asks me how I’m doing. “I’m doing great. Good enough to celebrate my daughter’s birthday.”
He shakes his head. “We can do that another time. You need to rest tonight.”
“No. She needs a chance to be a child before she has to become an adult. She’s only seven years old. She can have a birthday party.”
“Exactly! She’s seven years old! She’s had seven whole years to be a child. It’s time for her to understand that it’s not all about her.” I can’t believe that he’s saying this.
“It is all about her, Mathew. It has always been all about her. In a few years, she’ll have to lead a revolution. Since the beginning, our goal has been to prepare her for that. But she needs to be a child first. Just because you only had five years doesn’t mean she can’t have more than that.”
I get out of bed and stand right in front of him. “We are having a birthday party. And that’s final.”
I go out into the main room and crouch down so I’m level with Belle. “You can have your little party tonight. I’m fine now.” She doesn’t say anything. Instead, she looks right into my eyes, and I know that she can see past the lie.
It’s not a lie that I can gather the strength to come to dinner with my daughter on her birthday. But I didn’t tell the truth about being fine. Because I am not, in any way, physically, emotionally, or mentally fine. I am a mess. And she knows it.
Julie and Aron are the first to arrive. Dr. Pender comes shortly after, and we begin. We had invited Max and Sarah, but they chose not to come.
We have Belle’s favorite meal, which Mathew made. It’s mac and cheese, and a meal has never tasted so good. After this morning, I definitely need some food to give me energy.
Belle and Aron go play in the corner after dinner, and we wait before we get out the dessert. Us adults stay at the table and talk about things that are going on in the Academy.
“We’re supposed to be getting a new Warden soon,” says Julie. “I hope they choose someone who gives us a little more freedom.” She looks off to the corner of the room, dreaming. “Wouldn’t it be nice to go outside again?”
Mathew snorts. “I’m sure that’ll happen. But can you imagine how sunburned we’d all be if we got to go outside for a day?” He smiles, and then his face turns serious again. “But if I got one thing that the new Warden would give me, it would be for Meagan to be done with all the torture.”
I shake my head. “The Warden isn’t in charge of that. My father-in-law is.” Mathew winces, and then grabs my hand.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
I look down at the table. “It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault but his.”
“Don’t you think that maybe, you should just give them what they want? I’m worried about you. They’re going to kill you. I couldn’t go on if you were dead. I need you.”
I stare at him, incredulous. “No,” I say. “I can’t believe that you would even suggest that.” Honestly, there have been times when I have considered drawing what they want. But I’ve never considered it long enough to say it out loud. “You know how important this is. I have to make sure that they don’t destroy the revolution before it really gets started.” I turn to Julie and Dr. Pender, making it clear to Mathew that the conversation is over.
“So. The new warden,” Dr. Pender says. “We’ve almost made our choice.” For the next Warden, Dr. Pender was placed on the Choosing Committee. “You’re dream of going outside might come true.” All of us suddenly focus as hard as we can on what she is going to say next. “Seven out of the ten guys we have left want to put windows in the building, so that you can see outside of these walls. And if they get windows, there’s a good chance that, eventually, you might get to go outside.”
We all look at each other, trying to imagine what that would be like. I haven’t seen sunlight in seventeen years. I would have forgotten what it looks like, if it weren’t for the Memories. And Belle and Aron? They’ve never known the feeling of sunlight.
We spend the rest of the night talking about what we wish would happen. Everyone left a couple hours later, and Mathew and I clean up that small mess.
“Goodnight, Mommy,” Belle says, and gives me a big hug. “I love you.” She goes and climbs into her bed, and Mathew leads me to our bed.
“Get some sleep,” he says. “I’ll go with you in the morning. I have a question to ask them.”
In the morning, Mathew walks with me just as he said he would. When we reach the Vipero standing at the door, he addresses him. “I want you guys to have my draw the Memories instead of her. She’s going to be killed if you guys don’t stop torturing her.”
“No, Mathew,” I immediately say. “No. I won’t let you. You can’t do this.” I think about the comment that he made at dinner, and I shiver. He wouldn’t be strong enough, and I know that. “Mathew, Belle needs both of her parents to be able to function. It will be months before I’m able to fully recover, and you would… No. I won’t let you do it.” I turned to the Vipero. “Let me in, and please escort him to his work place.” I march into the room, and for once, the click of the lock sliding into place comforts me. It means that Mathew can’t get in.
Does he really expect me to agree to let him be in here in the mornings after what he said last night?

I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. My back is still against the door, and there’s a brief moment of panic as I walk toward the center of the room. I push it aside, though, and sit down in the chair.
But today, I don’t even get the chance to pick up the pencil before I’m paralyzed. My skin begins to peel off, and I can feel the exposed muscled begin to twitch. The twitch only lasts for a moment before acid begins to drip on the flesh, and then the skin is laid back over the burning muscles.
The scientists continue to play with my brain, making me feel a type of pain that I didn’t know existed. I know that he is watching. My father-in-law probably has a smile on his face.
My guess that he is there is confirmed when the pain stops. For several minutes, my body tries to piece itself back together, tries to find pieces that were never separated. And then, in the darkness, I see them.
It’s Collin and his wife. They’re at the breakfast table with their child. She’s a beautiful girl, only a couple years old. Kate’s belly is beginning to extend, showing the early signs of pregnancy.
“Do you have to go, Daddy?” asks the girl. “I want you to stay here with me like you did yesterday.”
Collin nods at her. “I really have to go, sweetie. I will lose my job if I skip two days in a row. I’m sorry. I’ll play with you after dinner tonight. How’s that sound?” The child agrees, then turns her attention to her meal.
Kate grabs Collin’s hand. “Collin, can you believe we’ve been married for almost five years?” He shakes his head. “It’s amazing. I can’t believe everything that’s happened. Do you remember the day we met?”
He snorts. “Do you remember the first few months that we knew each other? I couldn’t stand the sight of you, because of everything that happened before.” He glances at his daughter to make sure that she’s not listening. Then, he smiles at his wife. “But then you helped me get through it, helped me move on from her.”
She stares into his eyes, searching for something. “You still miss her, don’t you?” There’s only a tiny hint of jealousy in her tone, but the rest is concern. “Are you going to be okay today?”
“Of course I still miss her. I think about her all the time, and about my baby. I hate not knowing how they’ve ended up. And it’s been seven years since she was born, if she carried Belle for the full term. Seven years. And she doesn’t even know who I am.”
“Do you still love her?” Kate asks. This time, the only emotion in her voice is pain.
Collin takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if I ever did,” he says. “I was only a teenager when I met her. I only knew her for a couple months. Can you really love someone in that amount of time?” He looks at the clock on the wall. “I have to go, or I’ll be late.” He kisses Kate, and kisses his daughter on the forehead. Then, they’re all gone.
I feel a tear roll down my cheek, but it’s several minutes before I can actually move. When that happens, he comes into the room. I realize that I don’t know his name.
“Wow. I didn’t realize that he would say that. That was live footage from this morning. If I had known that he said that… Well, I still would have shown it to you. Maybe it’ll help you crack.”
I look down at the ground. “Will you promise me something?” I ask. He doesn’t say anything, so I go on with my request. “Don’t let Mathew take my place. He doesn’t realize that it’s really my choice. I need Belle to have at least one parent that can function well. I’ll never be a good mom after all that I’ve been through in this room. She needs to have a good dad. And if her takes my place, he’ll be unable to be a good dad. I can’t let him do that. Not to me, and not to Belle. So please, just keep doing what you’re doing to me and not to anyone else.” I don’t tell him my other reason. I know that that would only make him switch Mathew and I right away.
“Why would I do that for you?” He still has that evil look about him, but he’s also curious.
“Well, you’re my father-in-law. Usually, when your kid gets married, you give them a wedding gift. And I don’t ever remember seeing a gift from you. You owe me.”
“Let me get this straight. As a gift to you, you want me to torture you?”
I laugh, because he’s right. When he says it like that, I realize how ridiculous it sounds. “Well, I’m not saying that you have to torture me. You can stop doing that if you want. But I’d rather you did it to me instead of someone else.”
After a couple minutes, he nods. “I’ll grant your wish. But only because you presented it with, what I understood was, a bit of humor. But also because breaking you will be so much more satisfying than breaking my son, who’s weak. And don’t even deny that that’s one of the reasons that you don’t want him in here.”
I don’t say anything, just wait for him to leave the room. I try to stand, and am successful. My first step, however, sends me to the ground. I crawl to the door, then stand as I exit. I hug the wall the entire way back to our room, and fall several times. I crawl into bed, and don’t wake up until dinner time.

Chapter 23

When I wake up, I realize that as a mother, I have pretty much failed. Mathew has had to take time off work to make Belle lunch, and has rushed back to make dinner. I’m not around at breakfast, and I’m asleep all day.
If I give in to them, I’ll be able to be a better mother. I won’t be tortured I won’t be drained of all energy.

I consider the idea for a moment, and then shake my head. “I can’t believe myself,” I say out loud.
I may not me the best mother, but it’s not my fault. What I’m doing… it’s the right decision. If I tried to explain it to someone, they wouldn’t believe me. But they also wouldn’t know the whole story. In the future, I’ll know for sure that I made the right choice.
I try to clear my head of these thoughts and go out to kitchen. Mathew is serving Belle her dinner. “Hi, Mommy,” she says when she sees me.
“Hi, honey. Did you have fun with Aron today?” She nods, then turns to her food. I don’t say anything else, because I know she usually isn’t a talkative person. I look at Mathew. “Thanks for being her parent,” I say. “Sorry that I haven’t been much help to you lately.”
He waves my apology off. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like you’re just running off and having fun. You’re going through a lot right now.”
I snort in reply. “I’ve noticed.” It’s quiet for a moment, and I sit down. “When we were first married, why didn’t you tell me that you and Collin were brothers?” He shrugs. “You told me that you didn’t really talk to him. You said that he was a good guy, but you weren’t friends.
“When I came to the Academy, my brother was my best friend. Why didn’t you and Collin stick together?”
“I was mad. I was mad that I’d been here since I was a little kid, but he got to be out in the world. I was mad that he got to be out in the world. I was mad that he got to go home on visits. He tried to be my friend again. But I’d just been through too much here to be friends with someone who only had to live here part time, who got paid, who stood back and did nothing to stop everything that goes on here.”
“He doesn’t work here anymore, though. He’s married, has a daughter, and another kid on the way. He’s separated himself from the cruelties of the Academy.”
“I figured that he’d get out as soon as he could. He isn’t a bad person. And to willingly stay in a place like this, you’d have to be a bad person. I just wish that I hadn’t been so stubborn. Every day, I regret not getting to know him.”
For the rest of the meal, conversation is nonexistent. We’re each in our own little worlds, thinking about regrets and past loves. The silence is broken by a knock on the door, and I let out a groan. “What now?”
I lay my head on the table while Mathew answers the door. I don’t have the energy to deal with anything right now. I had expected it to be Vipero, but I was wrong. Instead, it’s the Warden who stands in the hall.
“What do you want?” I ask him as he steps past Mathew into the room. “What is so important that you have to bother me tonight about it?”
The Warden looks at the ground. “I’m leaving next week. And I just talked to my wife. They’re still being held. If I don’t get a Memory out of you by the time I leave, they’re going to kill all of them. I’m begging you,” he gets down on his knees and looks up at me, “to please, not let them kill my babies.”
I think about it for a moment. “I’m sorry. But I can’t do that. The revolution is going to come back soon, at full force. But if I give in, even that full force won’t be enough to win. To save your family would be to kill countless other people who are fighting for freedom. Your family is going to have to die so that others can live. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
He hangs his head. “I was afraid that you would say that.” He stands up. “Nothing I can do will change your mind?” I shake my head.
“I’m sorry. I really am. It’s not fair to kill innocent people because I won’t give in. and for the rest of my life, I’ll remember them, remember that I could have saved them. But if I save them, it will cause the death of so many more.”
He hangs his head and walks out the door, and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. Nothing was his fault. So why must he suffer?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next week, I’m numb. When I’m not being tortured, of course. I haven’t figured out how to block that out yet. All I can think about is that family.
At the end of the week, there is no pencil and paper on the table. There is just me and a screen. I sit down, exhausted, waiting for it to begin. What now?

I’m paralyzed, and they peel my eyes open, and I can not move my eyelids back over my eyeballs. The screen comes to life, and I see a family. I try to shut my eyes, because I know what’s going to happen. But I can’t.
For two hours, I watch as the government slowly cuts the family into pieces. The drugs that they were given keeps their hearts going. They stay awake the entire time, and their screams fill the room.
After the video is over, the screams still ring in my ears, the blood and fearful looks in their eyes are projected across my eyelids. I begin to cry. I didn’t know anything about these people, except that they were innocent. The three children, the beautiful wife, are gone.
Today, my body isn’t exhausted from the torture. Today, it is my mind that needs to regain strength before I can get up and go back to my room. When I find that strength, I walk back and grab the white board that Mathew and I used to communicate. We hardly ever use it now. I rarely have the energy to leave the room, so I’m always here when he is. I put four small tally marks on the top corner. One is for the wife, the other three are for each of the children. I shake my head slowly, because I know that, by the time this war is over, there will be many more tally marks.
Belle comes through the door to see me at the table, staring at the white board as if it will undo what happened. “Mommy? Are you alright?” She touches my arm, and I jump.
“Yeah. I’m fine. I actually feel a lot better today than I usually do. They didn’t do anything to me today. I just had to watch a video.” I turn her away from the white board.
“Did you have fun with Aron?” She nods her head, looks into my eyes. And once again, she knows that I’m not fine.
“I saw Dr. Pender in the hall. She will be here soon,” she says. “I guess she thought that that was more important than how much fun she had with Aron. She sits down in the chair next to me and grabs the white board.
“What’s this?”
“It’s nothing, honey,” I say, and take it into my room. When I get back, I see her sitting there, staring at her hands. I think about how mature she is for her age, how much she has been forced to grow up in only a few short years.
Dr. Pender comes in without knocking, and she has a folder in her hand. “Belle, will you please go into your room for a moment?” Her room really isn’t a room. It’s a heavy curtain that we hung up three days ago to separate her space, give her a little bit of privacy.
Dr. Pender sits in the chair that Belle was just in, and hands me the folder. “Before you open it and read it, let me tell you something. For two years, I’ve been fighting with my boss, When Belle was five, she was supposed to start going in to be observed, as they call it. I got it pushed back, two months at a time. But now that it’s been delayed two years, he’s determined to start.” I open the folder, and there is a single sheet of paper.

Meagan and Mathew-
Now that Belle has reached the age of seven, we have decided that it is time to begin the observations.
Eight years ago, we received permission for a long-term experiment dealing with the offspring of Azuli. We only have two children who have been the result of the first step of this experiment. These children are, as you know, Belle and Aron.
Starting tomorrow, one of you will bring Belle to Dr. Pender’s office every day at 1:30 in the afternoon. She will remain there for three hours, until 4:30.
Belle may have one day off each week, but we must be notified of this at least one day in advance.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,
Azuli Academy Science Team

I read the letter three times before I look up at Dr. Pender. The sadness in her eyes almost makes me look away, but then I realize that the same sadness is reflected in my own.
“I asked to be the overseer of the project, for both Aron and Belle. I promise that nothing too bad will happen to them. Before they do anything, I have to be okay with it.”
She takes a deep breath, and looks away from my eyes. “But I can’t promise that they won’t get hurt. In order to keep my place as overseer of the project, I will have to let a considerable amount of the experiments pass. If I’m blocking everything, then they will just have someone else watch over things.”
I reach out to touch her arm, to tell her that it will be okay, that I trust her to be in charge of Belle’s well-being. But she shies away from my touch.
“There are going to be days when Belle comes home in pain, when you won’t want to speak to me or ever see me again. But I promise that on those days, I will be feeling much, much worse, and that I’ll be praying for forgiveness for hurting someone so innocent and helpless.”
She lets out an apprehensive, uneasy laugh. “I don’t even know if I believe in God or not, but I’ll be praying every day, hoping that he exists.”
She gets up from her chair and leaves, doesn’t even say goodbye. When she hears the door click shut, Belle comes over to the table.
“What was she talking about?” I don’t answer her. How can I explain this to her? Instead, I pull her up onto my lap, even though she’s really too big for that. I put my head on her shoulder and cry, and cry, and cry.

Chapter 24

The next day, I wake up late. I didn’t sleep very well, because I was thinking about the family that I watched get torn to pieces.
I had nightmares about that family, and other people who suffered through the same thing. Some of my nightmares were merely Memories, things that that happened to people all over the world.
I also had nightmares of what might happen to Belle. One of the worst parts about being an Azulate is that I know that things that happened, the terrible, inhumane things that were done in secret, like Belle’s experiments will be. But because of the Memories, I can not be a naïve young girl who knows nothing of the cruelty that resides in the hearts and minds of many people. Because of the Memories, I know all the terrible things that they might try to do to my daughter.
I skip going to the DarkRoom today. I know that I will need every ounce of my strength to take Belle in to Dr. Pender’s office.
I think about the way that they worded the letter, like they’re trying to convince themselves that they’re not doing anything wrong. They know that experimenting on someone is bad, that you perform experiments on plants or inanimate objects. So they used the word observation instead, which makes it sound not as bad.
I choose not to tell Mathew about it. I know that he’ll find out eventually, but for some reason, I feel like it would be best if he doesn’t know right away. It would only make him even more mad, and right now, that would be bad.
At 1:30, I go get Belle. She is in her room, playing. As I draw back the curtain, I think about how young she was, and how much I wish I could take her place, endure this pain for her. But I know that I can’t. They know all about me, as far as science goes.
“Belle, it’s time to see Dr. Pender now.” She jumps up, but I stop her when she gets to me. “There will be other people there, too.”
“Like a party?” she asks. I just look at her, and for a minute, I think that I won’t be able to do it. She trusts me. She trusts that I won’t let her do anything where she could get hurt.

“No, not like a party. But I want you to cooperate with them, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt. If I can, I’ll stay with you. But they might not let me.” Her smile erases itself, and she looks at the ground, away from my eyes.
“Okay, Mommy.” We walk down the hall toward Dr. Pender’s office, not saying a word. Just as I suspected, I’m not allowed to stay in the room with Belle.
For the next two and a half hours, I worry. I think about what they’re doing to her, and try to find a way to stop it. Is this what Belle does every morning while I’m being tortured? Pace around the room and worry?

At about 4:20, Mathew comes in. I forgot that he usually comes home before 4:30. “Where’s Belle?” he asks.
“With Julie and Aron,” I lie. I put my head on the table.
“Okay. Well, I have some things that I need to tell you guys.” His smile extends all the way to his eyes. “I’ll go get her.”
“Alright.” When what he’s said registers, I jump up. “No!” I know that my voice was too loud and my actions were too desperate, but I hope that he didn’t suspect anything. “I’ll go get her. I have to tell her something.”
I rush out the door before he can question me. I get to Dr. Pender’s office just as the scientists are all leaving. To my surprise, Belle has a big smile on her face. “What happened?”
“They just asked her some questions. They did a short physical examination, checked her blood pressure, and all that. The first few weeks, maybe even the first few months, she’ll be fine.” I breathe a sigh of relief. She still has time.

“Thank you so much.” I look at my daughter, then at my friend. “Could you guys do me a favor?” Dr. Pender nods, and I crouch down at eye-level with Belle. “Don’t tell Daddy about coming here, okay? If he asks you where you were, tell him that you were with Aunt Julie, okay?” She nods, but I know that she’s confused.
“Are you sure that that’s the right thing to do?” asks Dr. Pender, and I nod.
“I just feel like if he knows, he’ll try to step in and get himself hurt. I trust you, that you won’t let anything bad happen to her. But he’s really protective, and I know that he’ll find out eventually, but for now, I’d like to keep it a secret. And when I see Julie, I’ll ask her to do the same.” We talk for a few minutes, and then I tell her that I have to go.
“Oh, before you go, we’ve chosen our new Warden. He starts tomorrow morning.” Judging by the smile on her face, it was a good decision. “I think you’ll be pleased with this one.”
I lead Belle back to our room, where Mathew stands by the table, smiling. “He came to our workstation today. The Warden. He said that next week, we’re starting on a new project. But before we start, we get tomorrow and the next day off.” He hugs us both, and then steps back. If his smile gets any bigger, it’ll split his head into two pieces.
“What’s the new project?” Mathew works with a small team of Azuli who do repairs, but also any construction that needs to be done.
“We’re putting in windows. Great, big windows, all over the Academy. It’s going to take a while, and before we actually start we have to go to this class thing for a week, to make sure we know what we’re doing.” He looks at Belle. “You’ll get to see sunlight soon, honey,” he says. Then, he looks at me. “Maybe, someday, we’ll get to go outside.”
I shake my head, turn to the kitchen. “We’ll never get to go outside, Mathew. Not when there’s a revolution and we have all the secrets to winning.” I start to make dinner, but Mathew stops me.
“Let’s go out tonight. As a celebration.” Going out really just means going to the cafeteria. But as long as I don’t have to cook, I’m okay with it.
The news about the windows must have spread quickly, because everyone in the cafeteria is smiling, laughing, yelling across the large room. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen anyone this happy.
The next morning, I realize that there’s a big problem. Mathew has the next two days off. How am I supposed to sneak past him?

Belle has to be gone for three hours. What if, in the middle of that, Mathew decides to go check on her, see if Julie needs anything? What if he feels sick and goes to see Dr. Pender?

I lay there, not sure what to expect. Mathew rolls over to me, puts his arm around my waist. “Can you take the day off today and tomorrow? I was thinking we could all just have two long, family days where we’re all together.”
“I can’t. I took yesterday off without telling them. I’ll have to answer for that today. And they probably won’t let me get the day off tomorrow. And Belle goes to Julie’s every day from 1:30 to a little after four. I’m usually awake in time to pick her up.” I get up, start to get dressed. I can feel his eyes on my back, but he doesn’t say anything. “I gotta go.” I give him a kiss on the cheek and leave out apartment.
I walk into the DarkRoom and I’m not surprised to see my father-in-law in there. But I don’t recognize the other man. I sit in my chair. “What do you want?”
I hear the clink of medals hitting each other as he moves over to me. “You played hooky yesterday.”
“No duh. I think I know where I was, where I wasn’t yesterday. That’s not what I asked you. I asked what you want.” He is silent for a second, and I see the other man’s eyebrows raise at my attitude.
“You get four and half hours in here today, instead of the two. And I want five drawings today.” He turns to the other man. “She’s all yours now.”
The man stands up and introduces himself as the new Warden. He wears a dark suit, has broad shoulders and a receding hairline. His eyes are green, his eyebrows are thick. His nose is pointy, with a bump in the middle. He has a mole in the middle of his left cheek. He stands tall, not short like the other wardens have been.
“I have tried all of yesterday, and all morning today to get them to stop this ridiculous thing. But it’s pretty much the one thing in this Academy that I don’t control.” He runs his hand through what little hair he has.
“I have, however, gained some ground.” He smiles at me. “You get one day each week that you don’t have to come in. You get your birthday off, your daughter’s birthday off, and your husband’s birthday off.” His smile fades. “I tried to get them to stop with the torture. But he kept telling me that he’s in charge and he doesn’t care what I say.” He shakes his head slowly. “But I did get him to agree not to do the torture once a week. So each week you get two days off from the torture, but on one of those days, we still need a Memory.”
He looks at the ground, and a blush rises to his cheeks. “If you are… uh… pregnant, you do not have to come in. You will be tests for pregnancy every Monday.” He stands and looks around, looking very uncomfortable because he had to talk about pregnancy for a minute. Why is that such a big deal?

“I guess I have to go now. I wish I could have done more for you.”
I shake my head. “No, no. What you’ve done is great. It’s much more than I ever expected.” I get up from my chair and give him a hug, which only makes him seem even more uncomfortable. “Thank you.” As he leaves, I think about what this means for me. Because of the torture, I decided that I didn’t want to get pregnant again.
Mathew and I had discussed it, and we agreed that the torture would destroy any life inside my belly. But now, with these new circumstances, pregnancy will save me.
But pregnancy won’t save me today. Today, I have more than twice the amount of time that I’m usually in here. I start drawing, slowly, taking my time. I don’t draw Memories, though.
The first thing that I draw is the sky, on a beautiful day. Clouds, birds, and treetops are the only things you can see. Next, I draw two hands. Once belongs to a child, and it grasps that of a mother. My third drawing takes a little more time, as it is more detailed. It is a small dog, wrapped in the arms of a child as they sleep. Next, I draw a wedding.
On the fifth drawing, I think for a couple minutes about what to draw. And then, I know. I draw a belly. You can see that the belly is extended, that the woman is pregnant. I draw two hands over it, showing possession and protection. One hand belongs to a man, and one belongs to a woman.
Then, I wait. I know that it will start soon, the torture. But I wait, and wait, and wait. I’m tense, wondering when they’ll start. The waiting is almost as bad as everything else that they do,

I think.
And that’s when it hits me, what they’re doing. They know that the waiting, the wondering, is just as bad as the rest of it. They give me time to let my imagination run wild. I get to sit here and think and wonder about all the things that they are going to do to me. I relax, so that they have no power over me with this.
And that’s when they begin. I know that it’s started because I’m stuck in mid-blink, my eyes half open and half closed. My scalp starts to hurt, like someone is pulling out all of my hairs, only two or three at a time. It starts slowly, but after about a minute, it’s as if several people are working at it all at once. Tiny clumps of my hair are pulled from my head.
After all of my hair has been removed, my skin starts to sting. It starts at my elbows, and spreads all throughout my body. And then, the last part starts.
My body begins to freeze. It freezes from the outside in, until I can feel the frostbite start to develop. It’s not like the first day’s freezing. This is much worse, all the way to the core of my body, until I think I’m going to die. But that would be too merciful. The real pain begins when I start to thaw. It takes the rest of the time, probably about an hour and a half. As the heat slowly returns to my body, as the cold ebbs from my skin, I feel some of the worst pain of my life. I long to soak in ice, so stay frozen, stay numb, to keep the pain away.
Finally, I can move. I close my eyes, wait for the moisture to return to my eyes. When I’ve gathered enough strength to move, I go to the door. I make it back to my room. I don’t think about the torture, only the solution. Finally, I know how to get out of that room, how to make sure that I don’t have to be hurt anymore.
As I break through the doorway, I run to Mathew. “I figured it out.” I give him a kiss on the lips, taking him by surprise. Before he can recover enough to kiss me back, I pull away. “I know how to avoid the torture.” I kiss him again, and this time he laughs through it.
“That’s great!” He kisses me this time, and I lean into him, feel his arms around my waist. And then I remember Belle. I look at the clock. It’s 1:25. That means that, today, it took me about an hour to recover enough to make it back here.
“I have to take Belle, before I tell you. I’ll be right back.” I lead Belle to Dr. Pender’s office. “I can get out of that room,” I say. “I know how to be free.” Dr. Pender looks confused, but she tells me that I’ll have to explain it later. I give Belle a hug, then make my way back to Mathew.

Chapter 25

A couple hours later, I’m laying in the bed, Mathew’s arms around me. He’s still sleeping. Like me, he didn’t sleep much last night. Except, he didn’t sleep because I kept him up with all my thrashing around.
He has a piece of hair in his eyes, and I move it. It’s been a while since he’s gotten his hair cut. Once a month, one of the doctors goes around and cuts everyone’s hair. For the last two months, Mathew has skipped his turn.
I look up at the clock that’s on the wall. It’s 4:32. I get up as fast as I can, and grab a jumpsuit that’s laying on the ground, and run out the door. I don’t know why I’m rushing so much. It’s not like they’ll punish her because I’m a couple minutes late. Right?

But I don’t slow down until I reach her door. I huff and puff for a couple seconds, trying to catch my breath. Finally, I knock on the door. Belle answers, and I’m relieved to see that she hasn’t been hurt.
I’m sorry that I’m late,” I tell her. “Daddy and I fell asleep.”
“It’s okay, Mommy,” she says. I look at Dr. Pender, and she gives me thumbs up so that I know that they day went well.
“Are you going to tell me what happened this morning?”
“Oh. The new Warden got me two days off each week, plus birthdays. And every Monday, I’ll be tested for pregnancy. If I’m pregnant, I don’t have to draw for them.” She think for a moment, and then she smiles a devil’s smile.
“So that’s what you and Mathew have been doing all day.” I blush. Dr. Pender knows that Mathew and I were avoiding pregnancy. But she knows that now, we will be trying for a pregnancy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Three days later, it’s Monday. Mathew is attending classes on window installation this week, and then he’ll get started putting a window in. The first floor to get windows is Floor Six, so I won’t have to wait long to see the sun.
I don’t think about how the Warden got permission for windows so quickly. Before he even officially started, he had already gotten clearance. I know that there must be someone, somewhere, who is in charge of the Warden. So the fact that he got this started quickly amazes me. But I won’t question it, because I have more important things to worry about right now.
Like whether or not I’m pregnant.
Today is my first routine pregnancy test. If I’m lucky, it’ll be my last day in here a little less than a year.
I don’t know what I expect as I walk into the room. But a doctor is there, with a big machine. “Hello, Miss,” he says. “I’ll be here every Monday. Before we begin, do you have any questions for me?” he has a kind face, and he looks young.
“Yeah. I know that technology is a lot more advanced now than it used to be. But still, how can you guys pick up on a pregnancy even when the pregnancy is only a day along?” He looks confused for a minute.
“How do you know that we can do that?”
I sigh. “Several of my pregnancies were discovered the day after.” I don’t go into more detail about my early pregnancies, because I don’t like thinking about the lost children.
“Well, the answer is simple. With people, we can’t tell this early. But Azuli have many things that are different, not just their eye color.” He looks at his machine. “Azuli have different chemicals that let us know if you’re pregnant. There are also a few more factors that tell us.” He looks at his watch. “Let’s get this started. They only allow me to be here for a short amount of time.”
I nod, and step up to where the machine is. It’s different from the machines that they used when I was first transferred to the floor. The doctor draws blood, and my eyes are scanned by the machine. I don’t know how this will tell me if I’m pregnant or not, but I trust the doctor to know what he’s doing.
Then, we wait. He tells me that it will only take about five minutes. A bell rings, and a piece of paper comes out of the machine. The doctor motions toward it. “Go ahead. See what it says.”
I grab it, and close my eyes before I read it. I open my eyes, and see a big “N” printed on it. My whole body suddenly feels heavy. At least another week of all this. “Negative,” I tell him.
He starts to pull the machine towards the door. “That’s a shame. Well, I’ll see you next week then.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next two weeks bring more little slips with a single “N” on each. I lose more and more hope each week.
By Thursday in the second week, they have installed the first window. For the first few hours that it’s finished, there is no room to look out of it. I decide to wait to take my turn, wait until no one is there, so I can have it all to myself.
On Friday morning, I wake up early and go to the window. I am alone.
The window itself is several inches thick, make of a strong acrylic that guarantees that we won’t be able to break it.
Outside is a desert. There is a ravine that covers the entire length of the window and more. On the other side of the ravine, there are hills filled with shrubs and desert plants. All different shades of browns and yellows and greens, and mixtures of the colors. It’s the perfect place for lizards and snakes, rabbits and coyotes.
Down at the base of the hills, there is a rusty panel of a fence, thousands of years old. Only one panel still stands, but a few panels lay on the ground around a circle, where they used to create a corral. But that was a long time ago. It’s amazing that they’re still there at all, through the rain and rust, the wind and wear.
Behind the hills you can see a town. Before the New World, it used to be a small community, known for its tourist attractions. But now, I know that it’s the capital of the country. It’s where all government decisions are made, where government officials live. It’s the training place for Vipero. Looking at it makes me cold.
I stare at the sky, full of dark clouds. For the first time in almost eighteen years, I can see the storm before it will hit us.
I’m there at the window for about twenty minutes before a Vipero comes up mext to me. “Is this what you expected?” he asks me. “After being here all these years, did you expect to be in the middle of this desert wasteland?”
I look at him in the corner of my eye. He is tall, with broad shoulders. His dark hair is kept short. He is handsome, about my age, maybe a year or two older.
“Well,” I say, “I was five years old when I got here. That’s old enough to remember what the landscape looks like.” I focus my gaze on the city. “But I don’t remember the city looking so big and…” I trail off, not able to find the right word.
“Ominous?” he suggests. “Depressing? Oppressive?” He gives a laugh. “Terrifying?” I can’t believe this.

I look over at him, this time turning my body to get a good look at him. There is a sadness in his eyes that I’ve never seen before. It’s not the kind of sadness that you carry after seeing terrible things. It’s the kind that you acquire after doing bad things.
“Are you allowed to say that?”
He shakes his head. “I guess I’m not supposed to. But…” he looks into my eyes for a moment, and then looks out the window again. “I think that sometimes things need to be said, whether you’re allowed to say them or not.”
I nod, in shock at what I’m hearing. “I feel the same way,” I say. For a couple minutes, it’s silent. “How did you end up here?”
“I got into trouble a few years ago. My friends… they were always talking about a revolution, and my dad didn’t like it. He just recently retired from 25 years as a Vipero, so her didn’t like me hanging around with them.” He looks down at his hands. “He said the best thing for me would be to serve the government, so they could teach me the ‘right way to think.’ So that’s what I’ve been doing. Against my will.”
Once again, it’s silent for a while. But he breaks the silence this time. “You’re the one with the kid, right?” I nod, and he laughs. “You have made a huge impression on everyone, little lady.” I raise an eyebrow. “I heard about you even before I got here.”
That part really surprises me. I knew that I was well-known on the sixth floor, but I never thought that people might know who I am outside of the Academy. I didn’t think that Vipero could talk about their jobs to anyone outside.
“We get to go home, you know,” he says. “We aren’t stuck here all the time.” I nod, but don’t comment. “There’s this restaurant that the Vipero all go to when they’re on leave. Three weeks before our training was over, I was a few guys who were in my training class.
“A few of the Vipero stationed here came in, and they were talking about this girl, how she’ll do anything to make sure that the government doesn’t get what they want.” He looks at me again, an amused look on his face. “Then they told us that you had tried to escape a few years ago. How they couldn’t kill you because you were pregnant.”
I’m silent as he continues with his story. He talks about all the things that the Vipero had said about me. “The funny thing is, that they almost talked about you like they admired you. To me, you sounded like a pain in the neck. But they seemed to adore you. And also, Vipero weren’t the only people who were in there. It was strange to me. There were regular citizens, listening to the stories about this teenage girl who spits at generals and tricks the doctors about her baby, and-“
“Wait. What did you say? About the babies and doctors?” I’m suddenly nervous. How do the Vipero know that Belle doesn’t belong to Mathew?
“While we were in there, this guy came in. He looked like he was about my age. Most of the Vipero knew him. I guess he used to work here since he was sixteen or something.
“He heard them talking about you, and he joined in. he talked about how beautiful you were, how he’s never met someone who he could listen to for as long as he could listen to you. He went on and on, and told us what happened right before he was transferred.” He looks at me. “Don’t worry. We’re all sworn to secrecy. We won’t tell any of the doctors.”
“What else did he say?” I push him up against the wall without even realizing it. “What did he say about me?”
“Calm down.” He tries to gently push me away, but I fight against him, so he gives up. “Do you really want to know?” I nod. “By the time he said this, he’d had quite a few drinks. But he said that there wasn’t a single day that goes by that he doesn’t think about you, that he doesn’t fall in love with you all over again.” Everything he says is rushed, because I still haven’t let go of his shirt. He doesn’t look scared, but when he says this, I shrink back against the opposite wall. “How long ago was this?”
“Well, I’ve only been here for a week, so that would make it four weeks ago.” That was after the video where he said he never really loved me. I knew that he was just saying that to make his wife happy!

Outside, it’s started to rain. I turn to the Vipero. “What’s your name?” He tells me that his name is Marc. “Marc, the next time that you see Collin- that man at the restaurant?- tell him that I wanted to tell him that Belle is doing just time. And that… no, nevermind. Just tell him that Belle is a healthy, happy little girl.”
I walk away, towards the DarkRoom. For the rest of the day, I just think about Collin. I know that I shouldn’t be. I’m married to Mathew, and I’ll never see Collin again. But why does my heart beg for information about Collin? Why, when his name is mentioned, do butterflies fill my stomach? And why doesn’t it happen with Mathew?

As soon as I get out of the DarkRoom, I go lay on my bed. After a couple hours of me just sitting there, Belle comes in. “Mommy, it’s time to see Dr. Pender.” I look at the clock and, sure enough, it’s 1:30.
I get out of bed and go with her to Dr. Pender’s office. I must look very distracted, because Dr. Pender gives me a concerned look. “What’s going on?” I just shake my head, try to act like I’m fine.
“I just have some complicating things that came up today.” I turn and walk away before she asks for any more details.
At 4:25, I’m back at her office, picking up Belle. Mathew still doesn’t know that they’ve started the experiments, and I’ve been making sure to be on time to pick Belle up so that he doesn’t find out.
The next couple days, I develop a pattern. I wake up early and look out the window, where Marc meets me. We talk about how different our lives are, share our stories.
Then I go into the DarkRoom, where I draw and suffer. Then I lay in bed thinking about everything that I wish I could change. I drop Belle off, clean our apartment, figure out what to make for dinner. Then I pick her up, and am making dinner when Mathew gets home.
In my routine, there isn’t time for Julie, and that makes me sad. I have no energy left, each day, to visit her. Each night, I promise myself that I’ll go see her tomorrow. So far, it hasn’t happened.
Monday comes again, and I have my usual Monday energy. Monday mornings are the only time the last couple weeks that I’ve had any excess energy, where I smile for no reason. I have hope each Monday morning, hope that I won’t have to do this anymore, that I have a child that Mathew can call his own. When I see Marc at the window, I smile.
“Good morning. What story do you have for me today?” Even though we’ve only known each other for a couple weeks, I feel like I’m much closer to him than I am to anyone else. Each morning we talk about our lives, regrets and memories. He knows me better than most people. But today, he looks sad, constrained.
“I was thinking about someone last night, and I think I’m going to talk to you about her today. She’s my baby girl.” He smiles a sad smile. “So, to be a Vipero, you have to train for six years. I left for training when I was eighteen, which is as early as they’ll take people. Otherwise, my dad would have sent me away two years earlier.
“But when I was seventeen, I met this girl. Her name is Annabel. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve met. I knew since the day we met that I would marry her. When I was being sent off, I proposed to her.
“The first time that I got to go home during training, it was three months into the program. I didn’t go see my family. I grabbed Annabel and we eloped. About a month later, I got a letter from her, saying that she was pregnant.” He blinks a couple times, quickly. “That was one of the happiest days of my life, finding out that I’m going to be a father.”
He looks up at the ceiling for a moment. “Then the baby was born. A beautiful baby girl. But…” He chokes for a moment, then recovers. “But she has blue eyes and a birthmark.” I see a tear roll down his cheek. “Since they found out that I have an Azulate daughter, I can’t go see my family. They don’t want me to know who my daughter is or what she looks like, because they know that I’d treat her differently. Today is her birthday. She’ll be here soon.” I nod slowly. Although our situations aren’t exactly the same, I know what it feels like to have my child grow up in a place like The Academy.
“That means I’ll get to see my wife for the first time in five years. But it also means that I could be making my daughter go through terrible, terrible things, and I wouldn’t even know it.”
I put my hand on his arm to comfort him, but can find no words to help him. I think back to several years ago, when I met another Vipero who has an Azulate child. I remember the feelings that he had, thinking that there would be times when he would be forced to torture his own child.
“I’m sorry,” I finally say. It sounds so generic, so used up that I suddenly hate those two words. “Not getting to ever meet your child… it hurts.” But I know that I can’t even completely relate to him in this way. While I have several babies that I will never meet, he has one that will live here, and will be exposed to everything that a parent wants to shelter their child from.
He looks at his digital clock that all Vipero have strapped to their wrists. “You should get going,” he says. “Good luck.”
This is what he tells me every day. But he doesn’t realize that today, I really need that luck. I get to the room and Dr. Gibson is there, ready with his machine. “Ready?” he asks.
I hold out my arm for the blood sample, then look into the eye scanners. We want a couple minutes for the results to be printed on the small piece of paper. When it prints, my stomach is tied in knots. I have to be pregnant this time. I can’t deal with the torture anymore.

I look at the doctor. “Read it to me,” I say. I grab it and shove it into his hand. “I don’t want to look at it.”
He takes it and uncrumples it slowly. He looks at the letter for a couple seconds, and then raises his dark eyes to meet mine. “I knew it,” I say. I stomp over to the chair, sit down, and stare at him. “Why are you still here? You’re supposed to leave now, come back next week.”
“But Meagan,” he starts, “it’s positive.” I jump up and grab the paper from him. A small “P” stands alone, bold and black on a white background. For a second, I just stand there, not knowing how I’m supposed to react.
“So I slowly fold the paper into fourths, and put it into my pocket. I turn towards the doctor and, as calmly as I can, I say, “Thank you, doctor.” I leave the room then, and head for the stairs. Mathew is on Floor One this week, installing a window.
I try to keep calm, but my smile splits my face. I continue trying to contain it, even a little bit, but it doesn’t work.
When I get to Floor One, I stop for a second. My smile starts to disappear. For ten years, this place was my home. It’s still early in the morning, so there will be some people coming from the DarkRooms. I slow down, because I had been walking pretty fast and I don’t want to attract any extra attention.
I look down at my jumpsuit. I really haven’t grown much since I lived on Floor One, so I wear the same size jumpsuits now. Some of my jumpsuits are nine, ten years old, so they still have my old information on them. With a sigh, I realize that the one I am wearing is one of the old ones. The sleeves and collar are fraying, the color is faded.
As quiet as I can, I recite my old introduction. “Penny Azul. Last name: Miller. Date of birth: September 22, 3204. Date of admittance: September 24, 3209. Identification number: 1274882. Cell 1A-5.” I sigh, and cover the badge up with my hair.
I walk down the hall and try not to think about those ten years that I lived here. I know that if I run into someone that I knew, or I pay too much attention to what rooms I’m passing, I will break down. Even after eight years of being away from this place, it’s still my home.
But as I’m walking, I’m looking at the ground. I don’t want to look at the daces that I’d see. When I bump into someone, I realize that this was a mistake. “I’m sorry,” we both say, and I force a laugh, try to act like I belong here. “I’ll just go this way.”
He doesn’t let me move. His hands are on my arms, just below the shoulders. “Penny,” he says. I look at the man’s face and I see Jack. He is much older now, but he still has the same face. I look at my left shoulder and see that my badge is exposed. My hair must have fallen behind my shoulder when I bumped into him. “Penny, what are you doing here?” He guides me over to the wall, so we aren’t in the middle of the hallway.
I don’t answer him. I can’t speak. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and put my head against his chest. As he wraps his arms around me, I start to cry.
We stand like that for a while. Luckily, we’re in an area where no one goes, so we aren’t attracting too much attention. Finally, I’m able to speak. “Jack, I’ve missed you so much. There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to tell Belle about you, but I just can’t. I can’t explain to her everything that’s happened…” I start sobbing again, and he hugs me closer to him.
“It’s alright, Penny,” he says. “It’s alright. Why are you down here? Are you allowed to be here? You won’t get into trouble, will you?”
I shake my head. “I’m not supposed to be here. But I really don’t care. I came down because Mathew is installing a window and I need to tell him that I’m pregnant because he wants a child so bad and I’ll finally be able to give him one after eight years.” I ramble for a few more seconds before Jack shuts me up.
“Okay. I’ll take you over there.” He moves my hair back over the information printed on the jumpsuit. “Follow me.”
He leads me through the halls until I can see the drew working on the walls.
“Mathew!” I yell. “Mathew!” I watch as all the men slowly look over at me. “Mathew?” I’m quieter this time. One member of the crew comes over to me.
“Mathew will be back in a minute. The Warden called him down to his office.” He looks at Jack. “If you want, you can go now. I’ll keep an eye on her.” Jack shakes his head.
“No, no, that’s fine. I have nothing else to do. I’ll stay with her and keep her company until Mathew gets back. You can go back to work.”
The man nods, and Jack and I sit with our backs against a wall. We don’t say anything, but I can tell that there’s something on his mind. I just wait. I know that he’ll get it out eventually.
“Penny,” he says after a few minute. “I know about the revolution. I know what they’re doing to you.” I look down at my hands. I don’t question how he got this information. Vipero generally are not very good at whispering. “And I made a deal with them.”
“Jack, no.” I don’t know what the deal is yet, but I know that it can’t be good for Jack.
“Yes, Penny. A few days ago I went to see the Warden about it, and then he arranged a meeting with Clay.” He looks at his hands now. “I couldn’t stand what they’re doing to you.”
“Jack, what was the deal? Please tell me It’s nothing bad. Please. I can’t deal with knowing that you were hurt because of me.”
He smiles, even though this is definitely not a funny or happy situation. “Then as far as you know, I get to skip through fields of dandelions and slide down rainbows.”
I start crying again. I lean into him, and he tried to comfort me.
In a few minutes, I see Mathew standing there, confused.
“Meagan, what’s wrong?” I stand up and walk towards him. The tears have stopped, and I put a smile on my face.
“Mathew, I’m pregnant.” Those are the only words that he needs to hear. He grabs me around the waist, plants a long, excited kiss on my lips. I blush, because even after all that’s happened, I’m embarrassed to be seen kissing a man in front of my brother. I feel like I’m fifteen when I’m around Jack, since that was the last time that I saw him.
“This is great,” he says. He turns to look at everyone. “She’s pregnant!” They give a short cheer, then return to their work. I know that, later on, he’ll receive much more of a congratulations from his crew. But right now, he gives me another kiss. “I love you so much.”
Jack stands up and walks over to us. “You must be Mathew.” He extends his hand. “I’m her brother, Jack.”
Mathew smiles. “Nice to meet you. I promise that I’m taking good care of her.” He blinks a couple times, and his smile disappears. “Well, not as good of care as I would like, but I promise that I’m doing everything I can.”
One of the workers comes up and hits Mathew lightly on the shoulder. “C’mon, lover boy,” he says. “It’s time for you to get back to work.”
Mathew gives me one more kiss, and jack offers to walk me back to the stairs. “You really like each other, don’t you?” he says. I can tell that he’s trying to sound casual, but he’s my brother. I know that, even though we haven’t seen each other in years, I’m still his baby sister.
“Well, we’ve been married for eight years. When you’re expected to breed, you fall in love with that person. It saves a lot of hurt.”
He raises an eyebrow at that. “So, you don’t love him because of who he is. You love him because you guys were forced into bed together.”
“Well, no. He helps me with Belle and he’s always been there for me. And he loves me.”
“But you don’t really love him,” stats Jack. It’s not a question, not a suggestion. It is a statement. Jack was always good at reading me. He usually knew how I felt about something before I did. But I shake my head, refusing to admit- to myself or to him- that he was right.
“I heard that he’s Collin’s brother.” How does he know everything?

“Could that be why you’re pretending to love him?”
I stop and spin to face him. “I am not pretending to love him,” I snap. “I do love him.” But it’s forced,

I admit to myself. I realize that I forced myself to love him to get over Collin and to make things less painful.
By now, we’re at the stairwell. “Bye, Jack.” I hug him tight, and he releases me first. “Don’t get yourself into trouble.” But I know that it’s already too late for him to do that.
“Stay strong, Penny,” he tells me. “Don’t let my sacrifice go to waste.”

Chapter 26

That night, as we’re eating dinner, we have a visitor. I open the door and see my father-in-law, who I now know is Clay. I groan. “What?”
“Your brother loves you very much, you know.” I look at the ground. Why can’t he just leave me alone?

“Next Monday, you may say good-bye to him. At the same time that you would normally go to the DarkRoom. Don’t be late.” He starts to leave, but turns back around to face me. “Oh, and congratulations on the pregnancy.” When he’s gone, I fall against the door.
“What happened?” Mathew has taken Belle into the bedroom as soon as he’d seen who was at the door. I guess he didn’t want to see Clay any more than I do.
“Jack. Jack made a deal with him. I don’t know how he knew what was happening to me. But he made a deal with Clay. And now he’s going to die.” Mathew moves towards me. “He’s the only one left. I don’t have anyone else who knew me as Penny. I have nothing else to hold on to.”
“Meagan, you don’t need to hold on to them anymore. You have me now.”
“You don’t get it,” I snap. “He is my brother.” I put as much emphasis on the word brother as I can. “You might be able to pretend that you don’t have a brother, but I can’t do that. My brother is my brother. He used to be my best friend. Why do you expect me to just throw that all away?”
He doesn’t have an answer. I go into the bedroom, and I fall asleep crying on the bed. In the morning, I go to talk to Marc. I don’t have to go to the DarkRoom today, but I like talking to him. Plus, I like looking out the window. I don’t know if I’ll ever get tired of this view.
When he sees me, he takes a step back. My eyes are puffy and red from crying, and I have a blanket around my shoulders, even though it’s summer time. “What happened to you?”
“They’re killing my brother,” I say. “He found out what was going on with me and made a deal with them.” I shake my head. “Really, I’m killing him. If I had just given them what they wanted, he would still be able to live. They wouldn’t be killing him.”
I lean against the wall. “You can’t blame yourself for that,” he says. “Your brother didn’t have to make a deal with them. That was his decision.” I nod, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I still think that it’s my fault.
“So what else happened yesterday? There had to be a good thing that happened, somewhere.”
I think about the machine in the DarkRoom, about Dr. Gibson. “Well, actually, yeah. There was something good. I’m pregnant.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Congratulations,” he says. “But, if you’re pregnant, shouldn’t you be in bed or something?” He laughs. “From what I’ve heard, you haven’t been too lucky with your pregnancies.”
I wince, but he doesn’t notice. I know that he didn’t bring up my miscarriages as a weapon against me, but that’s how the words were used anyway. I shake my head to clear those thoughts. “I know that I should be in bed. But I can’t stay in the apartment.” I lay my head back. “Last night, Mathew tried to tell me that them killing my brother is no big deal, because I don’t need him anymore. I guess Mathew is the only one who I’m supposed to talk to and care about.”
He looks confused, like he doesn’t understand something. I don’t give him a chance to ask me a question, though. “Did you ever take a moment to think about someone, and you realize that you never really loved them?” He just looks even more confused now.
“I don’t mean that I don’t love Mathew as a brother or a friend. And I certainly wouldn’t want him to get hurt. But I don’t think that I am in love with him.”
Marc looks at his watch. “What do you plan on doing about it?” he asks. “You can’t really leave him. Even if you didn’t have kids to think about, I doubt that the Academy would let you guys split.”
I know that he’s right. And I wouldn’t want to be separated anyway. It’s selfish of me, but I need someone there for me, someone to comfort me. I need to have someone to keep me warm at night. I need the physical interaction that Mathew gives me. Holding hands, hugs, and even just knowing that he’s sleeping next to me each night.
I explain this to Marc, and he just nods, thinking about it. “You probably think that I’m crazy, don’t you?” I ask. “You’re married to someone because you love her. I’m married to someone because I want to hold someone’s hand.” I shake my head and look at the ground. “I wish I could go back in time to when things were simple.”
“Things were never simple,” he says. “I don’t know much about history. I only know what I’ve been taught in school, and I don’t think that I can rely too heavily on that information.” He looks at me, as if waiting for me to tell him how different the real version of history is from what he was taught. But I don’t react, so he continues.
“But I know enough to know that life has never been simple. And it never will be.” He looks at his watch again. “I gotta go. But don’t spend your time wishing for something that won’t ever come true. It’s a waste of time and energy.”
He helps me stand up. “Get some rest and keep that baby alive.” He uses his thumb to wipe a tear off my cheek. I didn’t even know that I had been crying. “And don’t cry. Keep your chin up and think about the good things.”
He leaves then, and I decide to make an effort to do as he says. If I think about the good things, it’ll be easier to get through the day.
I walk back to the apartment. Mathew already left for work, so it’s just Belle and I. She says that she wants to go play with Aron. I remember that it’s been a while since I saw Julie, so we both head down to Floor Four.
Like always, Belle runs down the hall as soon as we can see the doorway. I follow her, but not nearly as fast. By the time I get to the doorway, Belle and Aron are already playing with their toys.
Julie stands up and walks over to hug me. “It’s been a long time since you came to see me.” She laughs. “Of course, I haven’t really been up to see you either. Did you get the day off or something?”
“Well, I actually have the next several months off.” She’s confused. “I’m pregnant.” We go through the same routine that women have gone through every time someone has gotten pregnant, from the beginning of time (with a few exceptions, of course). Squeals, hugs, shouts of “congratulations!” and “thanks!” fill the small room.
“And that means that you get time off? So the baby isn’t harmed?” I nod, and she smiles. “Even better.” We hug once again. “How have you been?”
I tell her about the torture, and about keeping the experiments secret from Mathew. And I even tell her about Marc, and about the kinds of stuff that we talk about. I do not, however, tell her about my doubts in the amount of love in Mathew and I’s relationship.
She tells me how she’s been, and how Aron has been reacting to the Azuli that are his age. “I don’t know what it is. When he was almost five, and I tried to get him to play with the other five-year-olds, I figured that it was just because he was only used to having one other person that’s his age. But he’s known these boys and girls for two years now, and he still can’t stand them.”
She looks over at the two of them playing. “It’s not that he’s shy. He just… almost hates them, it seems. I can’t figure out why he acts that way.”
I just shrug. I don’t really know what else to say. Floor Six doesn’t get the five-year-olds. You have to be at least ten before they transfer you, unless it’s a special situation. She really doesn’t have anyone else her age. But thinking about it, I realize that when she sees someone her age on the way to Julie’s or if they’re on the way to see a doctor, she does get almost resentful to them, even in the short amount of time that their paths cross.
We talk until about 10:20, when Julie stands up. “I have to get him up to Dr. Pender.” She shakes her head. “I hate sending him up there. I trust Dr. Pender, but I know that things will eventually get bad. And she’s a scientist. She may not acknowledge it, or even realize it herself, but she has a scientific curiosity that, at some point, will take over.”
As we walk to the elevator, I’m surprised at Julie’s comments. I’d never thought about Dr. Pender’s scientific mindset, only her love for the children. I had always been too busy hating the Academy and trying to protect my loved ones. I had forgotten that one of my loved ones is an employee of the Academy.
I think about this for the next couple days, and I discover that it really bugs me. I still trust Dr. Pender, and I know that she won’t allow anything too disastrous to happen to Belle and Aron. But Julie planted a seed of doubt, and it grows every day. I try to contain it, but it’s getting harder and harder.
I try not to show my worry. If Belle thinks that I’m worried, it will worry her. I don’t want to scare her. And if Mathew finds out that I’m worried about it, he’ll find out about the experiments. And I don’t want that to happen either.
I do talk to Marc about it. His input doesn’t really help much. “I don’t know much about Dr. Pender. But I know a lot about me. And I consider myself to be a pretty decent guy. I have morals and there are things that I would never think of doing to someone. But being in a place like this, you change. You still have morals, but they become less important.”
He frowns. “No, that’s not right. They’re still just as important. But you black out your actions. You start to just shut your brain down, do what they tell you without thinking. That way you don’t have to feel horrible about what you’re doing.” He shakes his head. “You still feel pretty bad, though.”
I think about what this means for Belle and Aron. Will Dr. Pender go into auto-pilot and just do as she’s told, like Marc does?

Marc has only been here for a few weeks, and he’s already noticing these changes within himself. Dr. Pender has been here for years. Has she already trained herself to shut down? I shake my head, trying to get those thoughts out of my head.
“I just wish I could protect her from everything. I wish that I could keep her from knowing everything that goes on in this word. It’s not right to expose a seven-year-old to this type of stuff.”
He nods his head. “At least she knows that she has good parents. My daughter will know that her dad does terrible things. I don’t know if you were ever beaten by a Vipero, but…” He shudders. “I haven’t actually beaten anyone myself. But I’ve watched people be beaten. Little kids, old people, everyone. And I’ve only been here for a few weeks. I wonder every day when I’ll be the one beating a ten-year-old.”
I wonder at why the Vipero have been so violent lately. I remember them being mean and cruel, but someone being beaten was a rare occurrence. I ask him about it. “If anyone mentions freedom or a revolution, then we’re supposed to take action. For the most part, the Academy is becoming lenient.”
He looks out the window and laughs. “I mean, look at this. There haven’t ever been windows, and the Academy is hundreds of years old. But they aren’t taking this revolution lightly.”
I look out the window, towards the capitol of the nation, at the city that has kept so many people prisoners for so many years. “They’re really determined to keep us all under control, aren’t they?” He nods.
“They’ll do anything to keep their power.” Somehow, I know that he isn’t just talking about the Academy.
“But the citizens will do anything to keep their freedom.”
He laughs. “It’ll be a blood bath. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who wins.”

Chapter 27

Over the next few days, I think about my brother. Each morning that I wake up, I think about the things that he did for others. As the days progress, I think about all that he did for me. When I go to bed, I search for the things that he did for himself, but I always come up empty. As the days pass, it gets harder and harder to breathe.
Finally, it’s Monday. I don’t go talk to marc before going to see Jack. I don’t want to go to jack teary-eyes, and I know that that’s what will happen if I talk about it first. I stay in my bedroom until it’s time. At the last minute, I decide to take Belle with me.
I walk through the familiar door, but he isn’t here yet. I sit against the wall with belle. When the door opens, I stand up. A doctor comes in first, then a Vipero. Behind him is my brother.
“Jack,” I whisper. He has a bruise on the side of his face, and blood runs down from his hair line. He looks at me and his body relaxes. He is not tied or chained, so he immediately opens his arms toward me.
We stand there for several minutes. I will my eyes to remain dry. I need to show him that I can be strong, that his death will not be a complete waste.
His hug is the tightest hug I have ever shared with someone. Normally, Jack’s hugs give me strength. But today, he asks for strength as he gives his life for me and my family.
He steps back from me. “I can’t tell you what the deal is. You’ll find out sometime, hopefully soon. But the deal doesn’t just benefit you. It also benefits your daughter. I just want you to know that I didn’t just do this for you, but also for others. Maybe that will help you get through this.”
A million questions come to mind. Does he know about the Exception?

But I can’t ask him. Not here, with all these people. So instead, I change the subject.
“Would you like to meet her? I brought her with me.” I turn to face my daughter. “Belle, come meet your uncle Jack.” She stands up and approaches him, slowly.
“Hi,”she says, her voice soft. “I’m Belle.” She frowns. “My mommy has been crying a lot, and she keeps saying your name. Why did you make my mommy sad?”
The question catches him off guard. He grabs my hand and squeezes. This time, he is giving me the strength that he knows I will need. “I didn’t want to make her sad.” He lets go of my hand and crouches so that he is looking into her black eyes. “But I had to make a deal with some bad people, so that you will be able to do what you’re supposed to do. And the deal made her sad, because of what will happen to me. Do you understand now?”
She nods. Then, without warning, she wraps her small arms around his neck. “Thank you,” she says.
The doctor clears his throat. “It’s time,” he says. Jack stands and gives me one more quick, tight hug. “I love you, Penny.”
“I love you too, Jack,” I say, as he lets go. I watch him walk to the chair in the middle of the room. I watch as the doctor fills the syringe with an ugly liquid. When the needle touches his skin, Jack looks at me.
As the poison enters his veins, he smiles. And that is the last of my brother, of my family. I have no one left.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A couple weeks later, Mathew has another day off. He tells me that the Warden is giving them one day off for every window that they install.
The next window will go to Floor Two, then Floor Four, Floor Five, and then the cafeteria. They are big, magnificent windows, floor-to-ceiling masterpieces. The first windows will face towards the capital city, and then they’ll put in more windows on the sides. When they’re done, there are supposed to be twelve windows on each floor.
Mathew tells me that the reason it takes them so long to put in one window is that they have to follow a special process. “We can’t just knock a hole in the wall,” he explains. “On Floor One, there’s a chance that people would still live id they jumped out of that hole. And others might try to commit suicide.”
He shakes his head. “That’s what they tell us, anyway. I think it’s just so that they can keep us busy so we don’t have time to think about the revolution.”
I don’t really say much. Since Jack was killed, I’ve been pretty quiet. I still talk to people and maintain my relationships, but I don’t do anything that I don’t have to. Mathew constantly tries to get me to move on. But that just makes it harder, makes me more angry.
Belle doesn’t talk about Jack, and that is a relief. I was worried that she would ask me questions about him. But she seems not to even remember that day.
Mathew continues talking about the windows, and I try not to ignore him completely, but I can’t focus. My brain keeps going back to my brother. My eyes are constantly bloodshot, and it’s a very rare occasion that I don’t have tears rolling down my face.
Mathew stops in the middle of his sentence. “You’re not listening to me, are you?” he asks. He is not accusing. Instead, his voice is soft.
I shake my head. “I’m sorry. But I keep thinking about Jack and…” He sighs, and I stop. “What?”
“It’s been two weeks, Meagan. How much time do you need before you can go a day without being a blubbering idiot?” I just stare at him. I can’t believe him.

It’s not like you would have seen him again anyway. He was on Floor One. You’re up here. It doesn’t make any difference if he’s alive or not.”
“You don’t understand,” I say. “He’s my brother. I loved him. When you love someone, and they die, you cry. That’s part of being human.” He grabs my hands and twists his body so that he faces me head-on.
“I know. I know it’s hard. But you have Belle, and she loves you, and you love her. And you have me. I love you, and you love me.”
I choke down a sob. I shake his hands away, and bring my hand up to cover my mouth. I shake my head. He leans back, confused. “I’m sorry,” I manage to say. I look at Belle, playing in the corner, and the tears come faster. “I’m sorry.” I get up and go into the room.
In a couple minutes, he opens the door. “Belle’s in bed now,” he says. “Now will you tell me what you meant back there? Are you saying that you don’t love me anymore?” He comes to the bed and looks directly into my eyes, desperately searching for an answer. “What did I do?”
It takes a minute before I can answer. “Mathew, I do care about you. And I do love you. But no, I’m not in love with you.” His eyes cloud over as they fill with tears. “There isn’t much about our relationship that shows we’re in love. The lies, the…”
“Lies? Meagan, I’m always honest with you. What are you hiding from me?”
I look away from him. “They’ve been experimenting on Belle since the new Warden started. I didn’t tell you because I knew that you would just make a fuss about it.”
His voice is angry when he speaks. “Anything else that you didn’t mention, so that I wouldn’t make a fuss about it?” His tone has an angry, sarcastic twist to it, and I cringe.
“Only that I don’t love you. But that hasn’t been a lie that I meant to tell. I thought I loved you. But I was lying to myself.”
“Why? Why would you do that? Four eight years, you’ve told me that you loved me. We’ve has a healthy relationship. How can you tell me that that’s all a lie?”
I shake my head. “We’ve never had a healthy relationship,” I argue. “We’ve had a happy relationship. But nothing more.” I take a few deep breaths before going on. “Our relationship started because we were forced into it. Then, I needed you to cover for me, so that they would believe that the baby was yours. After that, I still needed a distraction. That’s all that you were. You were a distraction from what I really wanted, but couldn’t have.
“I lied to myself, convinced myself that I loved you so that I wouldn’t be hurt and so that you wouldn’t be hurt. But I don’t need a distraction anymore. Now, I need to be aware of what’s going on in the world.”
He won’t look at me now. “I had to have someone so that I could let go of Collin. I had to love you so that with this… experiment, I wouldn’t hate myself for what I had to do. So I lied. I thought I loved you. But I didn’t.” I stare at my fingers. “I’m sorry.”
When I wake up in the morning, he’s already left. His side of the bed is cold.

Chapter 28

Six months go by, and things change. I turn 23, my stomach gets huge, my back hurts constantly. I discover that I’m having twins, and I decide that, after these kids, I’m done with pregnancies.
I’m looking out the window one morning when Marc comes up to me. “You’re huge,” he says.
“Yeah, well, I have two kids in here. I’m not going to be small.”
He laughs. “Yeah, you’re definitely going to have your hands full. But now Mathew will have two kids that are his. He’s gotta be excited about that, right?” I turn my back to the window and rest the back of my head on the cool glass. “Yeah, he’s ecstatic.” In reality, I don’t know how he feels. He doesn’t talk to me anymore.
For a few minutes, Marc doesn’t say anything. I notice that his eyebrows now form a solid, dark line above his eyes. “What’s on your mind?”
“Um… a couple weeks ago, remember when I had a couple days off?” I nod. “I went to see my wife, of course. And her cousin was there.” He laughs. “You won’t believe this, but her cousin is Collin.” His gaze travels from the window over to me, to see my reaction. “Small world, right?”
“What did he say?”
“I gave him your message, about Belle. For a while, he just kinda sat there. Then he stood up and stood about two inches from me. And he told me to tell you that he’ll make things right someday, and that he loves you. And then he left. Went home.”
I relax a little. “Of course he’d say that he’ll make things right. Even if he knows that he can’t, he’ll say that he can.” I look at Marc. “Thank you.” A couple minutes later, he has to leave, so I go back to the apartment. Belle is at the table, eating cereal.
“Hi, baby,” I say, and give her a kiss on the forehead. She just has her eighth birthday, when she decided that she was going to be a big girl from now on. That includes making her own breakfast and walking to and from her daily appointments on her own.
I sit down and try to eat, but I can’t get more than a few bites down. Belle can tell that there’s something on my mind, but she doesn’t say anything.
“Mommy, I’m going to play with Aron.” She gives me a hug before she leaves, and blows a kiss from the doorway.
And then, I am alone. I don’t want to be alone, though, because I don’t want to think about Collin. Not when things with Mathew are this bad. We rarely talk, and I only see him at dinner. If we have company, we act like everything’s okay. But I know people notice that things aren’t quite the same between us.
Belle acts like she doesn’t notice, that it doesn’t bother her. But I know that it does. And I hate that I’m such a terrible mother, that I don’t do anything to make it easy for her.
So that I’m not alone, I go down the halls to the stairwell. I go from Floor Six to Floor Five, wander the entire floor, then go to Floor Four. It takes most of the day to get down to Floor One. I pause at the door that leads out of the stairwell.
I know that, because of all the memories, it will be extremely difficult to get through this floor. But I do it anyway.
When I pass Jack and Carl’s old room, I look in. There are two girls in there. One looks like she’s Belle’s age, and the other looks like she’s about sixteen. The older one helps the younger one make the bed. Then they turn around, about to leave the room. When they see me, their conversation stops. “Who are you?”
“Sorry,” I say, and continue on my way through the floor. When I get to the room that I used to share with Macy, no one is there. The beds are made, and there is nothing on the floor.
Without realizing it, I walk in and sit on what used to be my bed. I stare at the floor, remembering all that happened here. From the day I arrived to the day I left, I remember.
I don’t know how long I’m sitting on the bed, but I come out of my daze to see a young boy about nine or ten shaking my leg.
“Lady, I don’t know why you’re here, but you should leave. Dave’s almost here, and he’s pretty grumpy today. He’s not going to like you being here.” I sigh.
“Sorry.” I get off his bed, try not to look at his confused face. I’m walking out the door when I run into a man. He’s a lot taller than me, but I’m not really that tall, so it’s not saying much. He looks to be about fifty, and he’s definitely grumpy.
“What are you doing in here?” He moves towards me, forcing me to step back into the room.
“Um, well, this used to be my room,” I say. He doesn’t look familiar, so he probably was transferred from a different floor after I left. I’m hoping he doesn’t know anything about the fifteen-year-old girl who used to live in this room. “I was just… well, I came back to visit. I don’t want to cause any trouble. I’m sorry. I’ll just leave now.” But he grabs my arm before I can take two steps.
“No, you’ll stay here. Toby, go get a couple Vipero. She doesn’t live on this floor, she’s not supposed to be here.” I make sure not to let the man see my face, because I no longer have blue eyes or a birthmark. I’d have some explaining to do if he noticed.
But when I see him eyeing my huge stomach, I know that he’ll already know that something’s off, so I give up trying to hide my face. “What the hell?” he whispers under his breath. But he doesn’t say anything else before Toby comes back with Vipero.
All three of them recognize me right away. There aren’t very many Vipero who don’t know me, because I’ve been pregnant and tortured and have made quite a bit of trouble for everyone. When they see me, two of them stop. I guess they don’t consider me a big threat.
Marc is the third Vipero. He steps forward and grabs my arm. What looks like a violent action is really just a worried reaction at seeing me. He pulls me out into the hallway and guides me through the halls, leaving the other Vipero to deal with Dave.
“What were you doing here?” he asks when we get to the stairs. “Do you understand how much trouble you get in for leaving your floor? How did you even get into the stairs?”
I hold up the key that I was given. Because I visit Julie, I was given a key to the stairwell. If I use the elevator, I can only go to Floor Four. But the stairs can’t monitor what floor I’m on. “You could get into a ton of trouble,” he tells me.
I laugh at that. “What would they do to me that they haven’t already done? I’m not afraid of them, Marc.” He stops walking.
“But you have people who are scared of them, of what they’ll do to you. You have people that care. You might not mind what happens, but what about Belle? Dr. Pender? Julie and Aron? Your two new kids?” He looks down the hall. “You’re a mother, Meagan. You need to be thinking about your kids.”
I know he’s right. But for some reason, it makes me mad. I yank my arm out of his hand. “Don’t tell me what to do.” I walk by myself to the stairs. I slam the door to the stairwell and stomp on each stair.
When I get back to the apartment, Mathew is at the table alone. “Where’s Belle?” I ask. He slowly looks up at me, a frown on his face.
“Where were you all day?”
I step forward and slam my hands on the table. “Where is my daughter?”
“She has been worried about you all day. You just disappeared and didn’t tell anyone where you’d be, what you were doing.” He stands up. “You need to be a mother. You have one kid, and you can’t even take care of her. How are you supposed to take care of three?”
I shake my head. “Just tell me where she is. Please.” He sits down again.
“She was really, really worried about, you know. She almost started crying. I sent her to Dr. Pender’s office to calm her down.”
I start heading to Dr. Pender’s office and I think about Mathew. For the last few months, he and I exchanged as little conversation as possible, and almost all comfort and warmness has left our home. But tonight he seemed worried about me. And if someone who hates me is worried about my safety, I know that I need to be more careful.

Chapter 29

A few days later, I plop myself down on one of the chairs in Dr. Pender’s office. Because of my stomach, I really can’t actually plop myself anywhere. But I do the best that I can.
“I want to get out of here. Now.” She’s doing something at the counter, but I can see her smile. She looks in some files, and then pulls out a piece of paper.
“Read this, right here,” she says, handing the paper to me. “I noticed this the other day, and I’ve been waiting for you to say something. If you use the right words, you might be able to get out of here.”
I look at the paper. It’s a summary of the Academy, dated back to when Dr. Pender first started working here. I read the second paragraph, the one that Dr. Pender pointed to.
According to Azuli Law, no Azulate individual or Azuli group of any size may, at any time, leave the Azuli Academy. The official definition describes an Azulate as a person who stored historical visions, known as Memories. An Azulate has blue eyes and a birthmark on their left cheek in the shape of an “A”.

It goes on to talk about more of the Azuli Laws, but I don’t need anything else.
I look at her and smile. Normally, this would be a time where I jump up and give her a hug. But when you’re as pregnant as I am, jumping isn’t really an option. I never thought that I might get out of here.

“I’m not an Azulate anymore,” I say. “I can leave this place, get out of here.” My smile tried to grow, but my mouth won’t stretch any farther. I stand up and give Dr. Pender a sideways hug. “Thank you, thank you so much!”
I waddle out the door and back to the apartment, where I left my key to the stairwell. I go to the stairs and try to run all the way to the ground floor. About halfway between Floors Five and Four, I have to stop. I put my hand on my stomach and catch my breath, then continue down the stairs at a much slower pace.
When I finally make it to the Warden’s office, I knock on the door. He opens it and I walk in, waving the paper. “I want to go out for a day. I want to go out tomorrow. I want to walk around the city. And you are going to let me.”
He looks confused. “Well, I’m sure that you would really enjoy that. But you can’t. According to Azuli Academy Law, Azuli are not allowed to leave.”
“Read me the law then,” I say. He goes to his desk and pulls out a blue book with black writing on the cover. He flips to a page and holds it up closer to his face.
“Right here, it says ‘No Azulate individual or Azuli group of any size may, at any time, leave the Azuli Academy.” He looks at me like I’ve wasted his time.
“Keep going,” I say. I had been hoping that the law book would have the same wording, and I guess I was right. I smile as he reads the definition of an Azulate.
“What’s your point?” he asks.
I step closer to him. “What color are my eyes?”
He rolls his eyes. “Green.”
“Do I have a birthmark right here?” I point to my left cheek.
“No, you don’t. Where are you going with this?” I don’t answer, just wait for it to sink in. Then, “Oh.” He rubs his forehead and lets out a slow breath. “This is what we’re going to do. I’ll think about it tonight. You come back tomorrow, and give me a few good reasons that you should get to leave. And I’ll make a decision.”
I smile and not. “Thank you.” I’m about to turn around and leave when I think about walking up all those stairs. “Hey, could I ask one more favor? I can’t access the elevator from this floor, and I really don’t want to walk up those stairs with this ginormous stomach.” He nods and walks me to the elevator.
For the rest of the day, I work out what I want to say to him. In my head, I write and rewrite several speeches, but none of them sound convincing enough. After a while, I decide to just wing it, say whatever comes into my head when I’m there. It might not be the smartest idea, but planning it out doesn’t seem to be working.
In the morning, I go talk to Marc. I have about as much bounce in my step as I can, and he laughs. “What put you in such a good mood?”
“I’m gettin’ outa here,” I say in a sing-song voice. Like I expected him to, he raises an eyebrow. “By Azuli Academy Law, I am not an Azulate. So I can leave.” He smiles, but he doesn’t look convinced.
“Good luck actually getting out that door. And if you do, what are you going to do? You don’t know anything about how that city works. You’ll be completely lost.” I hate to admit it, but I know that he’s right. I haven’t been out there since I was five. What do I know?
As I walk down the stairs later on, I think about what Marc said. I don’t know anything about the city. I don’t know the layout or where I would go to have fun. I don’t know anything.
When I get to the office, he’s standing with the door open, waiting for me. “Good morning,” he says as I enter the room. He wastes no time in getting down to business. “What did you come up with?”
“Well, first of all, I’m not an Azulate. So you have no legal obligation to keep me locked up in here all day.”
He nods. “We established this yesterday. But I have a question for you. If you are not an Azulate,
what are you?” I can tell by his expression that he thinks he’s got me stumped.
I think for a minute. “I’m a person… with an unusual knowledge of history and gorgeous green eyes.” I smile, hoping that maybe a joke with help me out a bit.
He smiles and waves his hand, telling me to go on and explain to him why I should leave.
“All of the Academy employees get days off. All of the employees are just people, not Azuli. So, if you manipulate the facts a little bit, you could say that all non-Azuli people at the Academy get a day off once in a while. Well, I’ve been here as an ordinary person for about nine years now, without a single day off. I think it’s time for me to get some fresh air.”
I list a few more reasons, and at the end, I sigh. So far, I feel like I haven’t been very convincing. I decide that, instead of trying to manipulate things, maybe I should try to get pity from him. “But the reason that is most important to me is that I have been here since I was five years old. I have been tortured, I have had my heart broken, and I’ve lost almost everyone that I love. I’m exhausted. I want a break from this monotony, from the inside walls that block the sunshine and fresh air.”
He nods and stands up. “Okay. I’ll think it over one more night. I’ll come see you tomorrow when I’ve made my decision.” He gestures toward the door. “Do you have any more requests?”
I think for a second “Yeah. I don’t know the layout of the city. I don’t know where to go, where to have fun. I want one of the Vipero to escort me. I want Marc to go with me.”
I could have asked to have Dr. Pender come with me. I’ve known her for longer, and she knows me better than Marc does. But Dr. Pender is quite a bit older than me, and Marc is only about a year older. He will have a better idea of where to go and what to do that’s fun for people our age.
He nods at the ground. “Alright. We can do that.” Then he catches himself. “That is, if I decide to let you go.” But his first sentence gives him away. It tells me that he’s already made a decision, that I get to leave this place.
He walks me back to the elevator and gets me up to Floor Six. I go straight to Dr. Pender and give her a hug before she can say anything.
“I’m getting out of here!” She hugs me tight, and when we break the hug, she has a huge smile on her face.
“That’s awesome! You deserve a break from this place.” She looks down at my jumpsuit. “And no offense, but your outfit is a little out dated. You should probably get some new clothes.” We laugh about it, and then I ask her if she knows where Belle is.
“She went down to see Aron.” I thank her one more time for showing me the paper, and give her one more sideways hug.
I go downstairs to see Julie and to see if Belle is ready to go home or if she wants to stay. I walk through the door and the first thing I hear is “Woah.” Julie is on the bed, reading a book. “You are huge.”
I laugh. “I know! These kids are gonna be big.” I rub my lower back. “I don’t know if my back will ever stop hurting.” We talk for a few minutes, and then she just stares at me for a minute.
“Okay, spit it out. Why are you suddenly so happy?” I tell her about leaving, and there are a few seconds of “I’m so happy for you” and things like that. But then she just looks sad. “I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”
“I would take you with me. I really would. But there’s no way that they would let you leave. You’re an Azulate.”
She frowns. “So are you. What makes you special?”
This time, I can’t smile about it. I know that she’s really upset. “I don’t have blue eyes or a birthmark anymore. By legal definition, I’m not an Azulate.”
I tell her a little more about how I managed to talk the Warden into letting me go. I don’t mention Marc, though. I know that that would make her feel even more like she was being left behind. I get up and I’m getting ready to leave when I touch her arm. “You know that I would take you with me, if I could. Right?”
She nods, but doesn’t say anything as I leave the room.
Later on, when Belle comes back from her appointment, I’m sitting at the table. I turn to her, and I gasp when I see her hand. It’s a collage of black and blue and purple, and it extends halfway up her arm. “Oh, my baby,” I say. I go to give her a hug, but she laughs.
“It’s okay, Mom. I’m not bruised. They just had me dip my hand in this dye to see if my skin had any special reaction to it.” She rolls her eyes. “They have it in their heads that I’m different on the outside, not just in here.” She taps the side of her head.
I grab her hands and squeeze them. “I’m glad you’re alright.” I decide to change the subject. “What do you want for dinner?”
“Mommy, who’s this?” She’s pointing to the picture that I have on the table.
I had taken it out of the bottom of my drawer for the first time in several years. It’s the picture of Carl, with Collin and I in the background.
“That’s Carl. He used to be my friend.” She looks at the picture again.
“Who is this?” She points behind Carl, to a young girl in a wedding dress, her brown hair flowing. “She looks so pretty.”
“That’s me. I used to look like that.” She reaches out to touch my red hair, and then looks back at the picture. A frown creases her face.
“Is this my daddy?” I freeze, and then calm down. She probably just thinks it’s Mathew. You can’t see his whole face.

“That’s Collin. He was another one of my friends.”
She looks up at me. “But… Collin is my daddy, though.” She gets up and goes into her corner, where she plays with her dolls. I can’t move.
When Mathew gets home, I can finally stand up. “Can you come talk to me in the bedroom, please?” He frowns and shakes his head no. I put a little more authority into my tone. “Come talk to me. Now.”
Reluctantly, he follows me. “Did you tell her about Collin?” The anger and frustration from a moment ago leaves his eyes.
“No. Why would I do that? And why would you think that?”
“She saw his picture today. And asked me if he was her dad. I told her it was Collin, and she knew that he’s her father.”
“Well, I didn’t tell her anything. I don’t know how she could have found that out.” He sits down on the bed and I go out to talk to her about it.
“Belle,” I say. She looks at me and puts down her toys. “Earlier, you said that Collin is your daddy. Who told you that?”
She frowns, and her two eyebrows become one for an instant. “You did, Mommy.” What?

She sees my confused look and explains. “When I was a baby. Everyone else left, and you told me about who my real daddy is. You said that Mathew takes care of us, but that Collin is my daddy.”
I think back to that day, when she was born. I’d told her about Collin, thinking that she wouldn’t remember it. “How do you remember that? It was the day that you were born. How could you possible remember that?”
She shrugs. “I remember everything.”
I go to make dinner, but burn the food three times. Finally, Mathew turns the stove off. “Let’s just go to the cafeteria to eat. You obviously have a lot on your mind.”
When we’re in the cafeteria, I see Marc and wave. He’s talking to some friends, but he excuses himself and walks my way.
He pats Belle on the head, and she turns to give him a hug. Some mornings, when I go talk to Marc, I bring her with me. Still holding on to Belle, he looks at me and says, “So, how did it go? Are you getting out of here?”
I nod my head. “Yep. And you’re coming with me. I thought we’d go have fun together, maybe visit your wife.” He smiles and nods.
“That’s awesome. I just had a break a couple weeks ago.” The Vipero only get a few days off every month, so an extra vacation is always welcome. “I’ll start planning some things to do. Do you know how long we’ll be gone for?”
I shake my head. “He’s going to come see my tomorrow and let me know all the details.” He nods, and then looks back over at the other Vipero.
“I gotta go. But I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” I nod. When he’s gone, Mathew snorts and mumbles something under his breath.
“Mommy,” says Belle, grabbing onto my sleeve. “Are you leaving?”
“Just for a day or two, honey. I’ll be back soon. I promise.”
“Are you going to see my daddy?” At the word daddy, Mathew raises his head. But then he frowns and his focus returns to his food when he realizes that she was not talking about him.
I hadn’t even thought about seeing Collin. I had been thinking about the trip, and thinking about Collin, but not the two together. I realize that it wouldn’t be completely out of the question, since Marc is married to his cousin. But I know that I probably won’t see him, especially because I probably won’t get too much time in the city.
“No, honey. I don’t think so. I’m going to meet Marc’s wife.” She looks at me for a couple seconds, and I try to figure out what’s going on behind those dark, dark eyes.
She goes back to her food, but I can’t focus enough to eat anything. What if I do see Collin?

I don’t know what I’d say to him. I haven’t seen him in years, and so much has changed. What is he like now?

I know that he still looks the same, but he can’t be the same boy that I knew before. Being a parent changes people.
Do I even want to see him?

There is a part of me that wants to see him. That part wants to know if I still really love him, or if I love who he used to be. But another part of me knows that it couldn’t do any good to see him. He’s married, and I’m going to have his brother’s kids. How could that get weird?

Chapter 30

The next morning, Marc tells me what he has planned. “I don’t think we should do a whole bunch of stuff where you have to be inside. I figured you’ve had enough time inside, right? So I think we’ll just take walks through town, or something. We’ll figure it out.” He laughs. “I was going to say that we should play some baseball or something, but then I remembered that you’re pregnant. And decided against it.” I laugh and pat my belly.
“Yeah, that does sound difficult. I don’t know how much time we’ll have, though.” We talk some more about what the trip will be like, and then Marc has to report for his shift. I stay at the window, looking over the city. It’s only a couple miles away, so everything is close up. I can even see the cars on the roads.
I walk back to the apartment to wait for the Warden. I wait for about an hour before I hear a knock on the door. I open it and the Warden comes in and sits at the table.
“I have decided to allow you to take this trip to the city, and to take Marc with you. You will have a bracelet attached to your wrist, with a tracking device. Marc will also have one on his wrist. If you two are separated from him for too long, or there is too much distance between you two, you will be brought back immediately.”
He looks around the room. “Every hour, you must both check in with me. And I know that you’ll probably want to go shopping or something, so I’ll give you some money out of the Academy account.” He laughs. “I’m not sure if I’m allowed to do that, but I figure there’s millions of dollars in there. Taking out a couple hundred won’t hurt anything.”
“Thank you,” I say.”
He just nods. “You may leave tomorrow morning. Marc will drive the car to the city. You can leave at eight in the morning, but you must be back by 8:00 PM the next day.” I nod. “Both of you will be in my office by 7:45 tomorrow morning so we can put the bracelets on.” And then he leaves.
The next morning, I give Belle an extra-long hug before I leave. “I love you, baby.” Marc and I meet at the window and go down the stairs together. When we’re walking through the doorway, my smile disappears.
Clay is in the middle of the Warden’s office, holding the bracelets. This ought to be fun.

He has an evil smile on his face as he twirls the bracelets between his fingers. “Hello, Meagan.”
“Clay.” I stare at him, eyes narrowed. “How are you planning on ruining my day today?”
He grabs my left wrist and pulls it to him, then snaps the bracelet on. It’s black, and small enough so that it won’t attract any extra attention. For its size, it’s very heavy. There’s a small button, which Clay presses.
“Now you can’t take this off unless I insert this key and punch in a password on my remote.” He smiles. “Oh, and I forgot that there’s another password, but the device only recognizes my voice. Cool, right?” It’s too small for me to simply slip off my wrist. For such short notice, they really thought this all through. “It’s water proof. Sticking your and in water will send an electrical shock through your body.”
He starts to put one on Marc. It looks like the one that he wears every day, the same one that’s given to all Vipero, except that this one is much more secure. There’s no chance of getting his off, either. I look at Marc and shrug. I wasn’t planning on running anyway. I have a daughter here.
“Marc must check in at least once every hour. There is a video camera on his bracelet. We must see both of your faces. If an hour and a half goes by without reporting to us, we will be forced to interfere.”
He’s done with Marc’s watch. Now he just stands with his hands clasped behind his back. “If you are, at any time, more than one hundred yards from each other, we will interfere. If we suspect any fishy business, we will be forced to interfere. If you are in any shady locations, we will be forced to interfere.” He pauses. He wants me to ask what it means when he says that he will interfere. I know that he’ll tell me, though, so I don’t ask. After a few seconds of silence, he tells us.
“In the months that you have been pregnant, we have been improving the technology that you used to witness every day.” I wince. This can’t be good.

“We have developed the technology to control your brain’s signals from a long distance.
“If we are forced to interfere, a pulse will emanate from the bracelets, and it will paralyze you. And we will have control of what your brain thinks is happening to you.” He smiles and steps forward, twists the end of my nose. “Have a great time.”
When he’s gone, the Warden doesn’t say anything. He leads us through the halls until we get to a small room. We enter, and I remember my first day. There is a big bin, where you dump all personal belongings upon your arrival to this fine establishment. There is a curtain in the corner, so that you can change into your jumpsuit in privacy.
On the opposite side of the room, there is a door. I’ve been through that door once before, when I was five. And now, I’m going back out. Freedom is so close, I can taste it, hear it, feel and smell it. Now I just need to see it.
Outside the door is a small hallway. A Vipero sits on a chair. He stands when he sees us, but as usual, the man is silent. There is a jumpsuit folded in his hand, the smallest size that the Academy holds. He is waiting for a new Azulate to come to the Academy.
There is one more door before we find freedom. There is a code that the Warden has to punch in, and then there is a loud click as the door is unlocked. He opens the door, and a cold wind blows in.
Marc and I step out, and we are momentarily blinded. Although the inside of the Academy is well-lit, it’s nothing compared to the sun. The air is cold, but the sun provides a type of warmth that I thought I would never feel again.
There is a black car parked in front of the building. The Warden hands Marc the key. Marc opens the door for me, and then walks around to the other side. I still haven’t moved. “Are you coming?” I just look around me. I never thought that this would happen.
Marc walks over to me and gently grabs my elbow. “Come on, Meagan. We only have thirty six hours. I want you to have fun.” He guides me to the car, still holding my elbow.
It only takes a couple minutes to get to the city. The scenery consists of hills and desert. I have my face sticking out the open window, watching everything flash by. Marc glances over at me and laughs.
“Hey,” I say, defending myself. “If you hadn’t seen the outdoors in almost nineteen years, you’d be doing the same thing.”
“But you have the windows. They have two of them on Floor Six now. And you have the Memories. You’ve seen it plenty of times.” He is only teasing me, but I shake my head as we enter the city.
“It’s not the same.”
The city is much different from the city in the Memories. Centuries, and a rise in population, have demanded change from what used to be a small town. Every building is a skyscraper, most with at least fifty floors.
They hadn’t wanted to extend the city outward into the desert, so they just expanded up.
We drive through the streets, around old buildings. It only takes a few minutes for us to reach our destination. The houses in the residential section of the city are mostly alike, with small differences.
We make several turns, and then he slows down and pulls into a driveway. “This is my house.” He looks at my jumpsuit. “I thoughts we could come here first so that you could get some different clothes.” He takes the key out of the ignition and opens the door. “Annabel still has her maternity clothes from when she was pregnant.” He takes keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door. When we go inside, he yells out, “Annabel!” I hear a pot crash to the floor, and a high-pitched squeal flows through the house.
We head into the kitchen, which is just off to the side. He steps into the doorway and is knocked back into me by a small female body. She wraps her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.
She kisses him, and then pulls back for a minute. “Why are you here? You were just here a couple weeks ago. Oh, never mind. I don’t care.” She kisses him again.
I don’t know what to do. I stand there awkwardly, one hand on my lower back, the other on my stomach. After a couple seconds, Marc remembers me and starts resisting her kisses.
He unwraps her from him and then turns to me, an arm around Annabel’s shoulders. “Honey, this is Meagan. Meagan, this is the love of my life, Annabel.” She steps forward to hug me.
“Wow. When Marc came home a couple weeks ago, he said that you were pregnant. But not this pregnant. I mean… Wow.” I just smile and nod.
She’s the same height as me, which makes her much smaller than Marc. Seeing them side by side is almost comical. She has shoulder-length hair and brown eyes. If I were not pregnant, we would probably wear the same size clothes.
“It’s so nice to meet you,” I say. “Marc has talked a lot about you. You should have seen him the week before he got his vacation. He couldn’t keep his mouth shut about you.”
She steps back and fits herself into Marc’s side, the last piece that completes a puzzle. His arm instinctively goes around her shoulders.
“I was just making eggs for breakfast.” She leads us into the kitchen. “But then you guys showed up and… well, I kinda made a mess.” There is an upside down frying pan and a half-cooked egg on the floor.
“We haven’t eaten yet, either. Why don’t we get Meagan some new clothes and then go out? I don’t think she’s ever had waffles before.”
Annabel instructs him to clean the egg off the floor and tells me to follow her to her bedroom. She digs in her closet and pulls out a big box.
“This is all my maternity stuff from my last pregnancy. I’ve been keeping it in case I get pregnant again.” She starts digging through the box and pulls out a shirt and a pair of jeans. “What do you think of these?”
It’s a purple top, with a pretty design on it. The jeans are dark blue with lots of stuff on the back pockets.
“I love them,” I say. She goes back to the closet to find some shoes, and I start undressing. When I the outfit on, I turn around and look in the mirror. The clothes fit well, and the way that the shirt falls over my stomach makes it seem smaller than it really is. The shoes match the shirt, and Annabel hands me a white sweater to keep me warm.
Marc comes in to ask if we’re ready. Annabel grabs a sweatshirt and we leave the room. “I’ll be right out,” he tells us. I’m gonna just change into some regular clothes.” While we’re waiting, Annabel takes me on a tour of the house.
She shows me the living room and dining room, and then takes me up the stairs. “These are the bedrooms for the kids. We’ve kept this one as a guest room.” She opens the other door.
“This was Janey’s room.” She leans against the door frame. “I miss her. Sometimes I come up here to let her know that dinner’s ready, or that we’re going to the store. When that happens, I just sit on the bed and cry.” She sighs.
“I wish I could be blissfully unaware of what goes on there. But Marc comes home and talks about his job. I know what goes on.” She blinks a few times.
I put my hand on her shoulder. “Things are getting easier. We have windows now, and I managed to talk them into letting me out of there. As long as she doesn’t start talking about a revolution, she’ll be fine.” Since she’s so young, I imagine that she will manage to stay out of trouble. And by the time she’s old enough to start that kind of trouble, hopefully she won’t still be in that place. Hopefully, no one will.
I don’t hear marc’s footsteps as he comes up the stairs. But when he puts his hand on her shoulder, I see the love between these two. There is also a sadness there, one that is too heavy for such a young couple.
She looks back at him, then turns her body so that she can sink into his embrace. For a few moments, it is silent. Then Marc looks at me and pulls away from Annabel.
“Let’s go get some breakfast. There’s a lot that we gotta do, and not a whole lot of time.” We climb into the Academy’s car and head out into the city. They talk about where we should go, and I roll down the window and watch the city. The buildings gradually get shorter, until they only have about fifteen stories.
Even though I’ve never been here, I can tell where the restaurants are and which buildings are other things. Each floor has its own exterior decorations, with the name of the restaurant. Finally, we stop in front of one building and go up to the fifth floor.
When the elevator opens, I’m hit by the smell of… well, I don’t exactly know what it is. I’ve never had it before. But it smells wonderful. The colors of the restaurant are blues and reds, and it’s packed. Finally, we find a table and open the menu.
“Okay. You guys will have to tell me what’s good here. Because…” I look at the menu, “I don’t know what any of this is. Except for pancakes and scrambled eggs.”
“You definitely should get a waffle. It’s like a pancake, but ten billion times better.”
“But French toast is good too. And they don’t serve bacon at the Academy. So she has to get some of that.”
Annabel scrunches up her face. “No bacon” She looks at me, mock pity on her face. “I’m so sorry.” They go back and forth, and finally Marc stops and looks at me.
“We’ll just get you a little bit of everything. You can try it all and then take the rest of it back and share it with all of your friends. Sound good?”
I laugh. “Are you sure I won’t get jumped when everyone smells this delicious aroma?” I make my voice dramatic, putting extra emphasis on the last two words. Annabel laughs.
Marc’s face is completely serious when he speaks. “I make no promises. But it’s a chance that we’re going to have to take.”
About thirty minutes later, the waiter brings us our food. He brings Marc and Annabel’s out first, and then looks at me. “I’ll be right back with yours,” he growls.
It takes him five trips to bring me all my food. He brings me waffles, chocolate chip pancakes, French toast, crepes, omelets, bacon, sausage, chicken fried steak, hash browns, eggs cooked about five different ways, and other stuff that I don’t even remember the names of.
He had to bring a separate table just to fit everything. He gives me one last dirty look before going back to the kitchen. Annabel looks at me and says, “I think you made a new friend.”
There’s so much food that I don’t know where to start. After staring at it for a few seconds, I take a bite of a waffle. “Oh, this is so good.” I say. “I’m surprised that the government will allow you guys this much pleasure.”
“Well,” starts Marc, “they probably figured that if they took away our food, we’d have a revolution right away. You don’t get in between a man and his food.”
Next, I try the French toast. Then the eggs sunny-side up. The crepes and the chicken fried steak. I have a little bit of everything. And I love all of it.
“I don’t know how I went my whole life without having this stuff. It’s not right. Not right at all.” I shake my head in disappointment.
The waiter comes by again and asks if we will need some boxes to carry the leftovers. After he’s gone, I look at Annabel and Marc. “Does he expect us to carry it out in our hands?”
After breakfast, we go back to the house and put everything in the fridge. Then, we walk from the house into the business area of the town, and we go window shopping. There’s a small breeze blowing, moving my hair a little.
I look in all the windows of the shops and department stores, but we rarely actually go inside. I want to stay outside in the sunshine as much as I can. For a few hours, we just walk around the city, dodging people and having fun.
We talk the whole time, about life in and out of the Academy. I talk about my daughter, and Annabel talks about her family. Marc talks about training to be a Vipero, and they tell me how they met and got together. They tell me about their wedding day, how beautiful it was, and they described their close family and friends who watched the wedding.
I laughed when Annabel asked me about my wedding. “I shared my special day with eleven other couples. And I wasn’t marrying the man that I loved.” Her mouth makes an “O” shape, and she changes the subject. I smile at her in thanks. The last thing I need right now is to focus on all the people I do and don’t love.
At about one in the afternoon, my stomach starts to growl. At the same time, I smell something amazing. I walk towards the source of the smell, sniffing the air like a bloodhound on a trail. “What is that amazing smell?”
“Barbecue,” says Marc, taking in one long, deep breath. “You’re gonna have some ribs.”
He leads me into a building, and we wait for the waitress to seat us. She leads us to a booth in the corner, and we open our menus. When she comes back to take our order, Marc orders me the full rack of baby back ribs. They’re messy, and I get barbecue sauce all over my hands and face. I have a napkin around my neck so I don’t get anything on Annabel’s shirt. “These are delicious,”I say. “I’m in heaven.”
We box up my leftovers and then go back to house, where we stay for a while. “Where do you want to go next?” Annabel asks. We’re sitting on the couches in the living room.
“Can we just go for a walk? I want to take my shoes off and walk through the grass, feel the warm cement on the bottom of the feet. We don’t need to go out and do something special. I just want to be outside in the air.”
We walk through the neighborhoods. I walk in the grass and on the sidewalk, my shoes in my hand. Even though the air is cold, the sun has warmed the cement. Marc and Annabel walk behind me, holding hands. Several times, I wish that I had someone to hold my hand. I don’t say anything, though.
Thinking about that, I start thinking about Collin. We pass a flower garden, and I bend down to study the flowers. “So, Annabel, have you seen Collin lately?” I try to sound like I’m just making conversation, but I know I don’t succeed.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see her glance at Marc, worried. “Um… yeah. Actually, I just saw him last week. It was his daughter’s birthday.”
“How is he?” I’m still close to the ground, studying the flowers. I don’t really want to know. If he’s sad, it will break my heart. But it will also break my heart if he’s happy with someone else.
“He’s… he’s good. He’s happy. But since Marc’s last visit, he’s been different. He’ll call me at strange hours, and he’ll go on and on about you. He keeps asking me if Marc has said anything else about you. I tell him that I’ll call him if I hear anything.” She looks back at Marc, like she doesn’t know if she should go on. “But he’s doing alright. He loves those kids, and they couldn’t ask for a better father.” I get up then, and we continue walking.
We just walk through the neighborhoods, stopping to watch the occasional lizard scurry across the sidewalk. I study the flowers, and I marvel at the way the grass feels on my bare feet.
We walk until it starts to get dark, then take a short cut to the house. When we get inside, we watch TV for a while. There aren’t any new shows since the New World was created, so they’re all reruns of shows I’ve seen in Memories.
It’s the first time that I’ve watched TV in a long time. There’s a TV in the rec room, but I rarely go in there anymore.
After a couple hours, I go to bed. I usually don’t do much walking, so after today, I’m pretty worn out. But it still takes me a long time to get to sleep.
This is the first night that I’ve been away from Belle. There have been nights where she spent the night with Julie and Aron, but we were still in the same building. Now, we’re completely separated.
After a while, I hear thunder. Outside my window, I see lightening. I can hear the pitter-patter of rain on the roof. A storm this time of the year is strange. It’s late November, and the storms really only come in the summer.
But I’m glad that it’s raining tonight.
I have my jumpsuit on, and I quietly get out of bed. I don’t put shows on, and I quietly open the front door and step out into the rain.
The sleeve of my jumpsuit covers the bracelet on my wrist, so I don’t worry about it getting wet. I tip my head back and swallow the rain, feel it on my skin. In mere seconds, my hair is plastered to my head, my clothes are clinging to my body.
The water runs down my neck, drips down my nose. If I keep my eyes open for half a second, they are flooded with rainwater. The grass under my feet is mushy as the soil soaks up all the rain.
After a while, I feel like someone is standing next to me. Lightning flashes and I see Annabel there. I jump, almost fall over because of how startled I am. I wonder how long she’s been out here with me.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask through the rain.
“The neighbor called and said I have some crazy pregnant…” A clap of thunder makes it impossible to head. “… yard. So we looked out the window and it was you.” She giggles and a flash of lightening shows me her face. In the rain, she doesn’t look much older than eighteen.
“Sorry for scaring everyone,” I say. “I’ve just never been in the rain before. I wanted to know what it’s like.” She laughs and moves some hair out of her face.
“It’s alright. We don’t like that neighbor anyway. He’s cranky. But we should probably get you inside, so you don’t get sick.”
We go inside and Marc is standing there with towels. “I’m making coffee, if you guys want to warm up in the kitchen.” The smell of coffee hits me as I’m in the doorway.
“I’ve never had coffee before.” I sniff the air. “It smells good.” I sit at the table. When the coffee’s done, Marc brings us each a mug, and then some cream and sugar.
“Aren’t you going to have any?” I ask him.
His face scrunches up and he shakes his head. “I can’t stand the stuff.”
I look at my coffee, now nervous. Annabel reaches over and touches my arm to get my attention. “Don’t listen to him. It’s awesome.” She pours some of the creamer into mine, and then some sugar. “This is how I like it.”
I take a long drink and the hot liquid warms the inside of my body. “This is good,” I say, and take another drink. I’m completely warm now.
I have a small, temporary high from the combination of the rain and coffee, so I don’t notice opening my mouth until words are tumbling out. “I want to call Collin.” Annabel and Mathew look startled at this. “I just want to talk to him about Belle. See how he’s doing.”
For a minute, she doesn’t move a muscle. Then she starts to nod. “Alright. We’ll call him in the morning.” Then she changes the subject. I don’t know why, but she’s really nervous about talking about Collin. “What are we doing tomorrow? When do you have to be back?”
“We gotta be back by eight. And I want to go shopping and get something for Belle, Aron, and Julie.”
Annabel suddenly jumps up. “I have something for Belle. Last week, Collin pulled me to the side at the party and gave it to me.” She goes out of the kitchen and I look at Marc.
“Okay. You have my approval.”
He laughs. “What?”
“Your wife. I like her. I can see why you married her.”
He nods and looks back to the doorway. “Yeah, she’s okay, I guess.” He smiles, and then moves to the table and sits down. “I just wish that Jane hadn’t been an Azulate. I don’t like that she has to be in that place. But it’s also hard on Annabel.”
“It’ll all be over soon. In a few years, that Academy won’t be there. We’ll be free. Everyone will.” He looks into my eyes, trying to find the source of my confidence.
Annabel comes back into the room with a small box. I open it and find a silver necklace with a heart. I flip the heart over, knowing that there will be an engraving there. Sure enough, in simple, small letters, it says, “Love, Daddy.”
I touch my neck, but I don’t have my necklace on. It’s in my drawer with the pictures. “Tell him I said thank you,” I say. “It’s beautiful.”
We finish our coffee and go back to bed. In the morning, I wake up late. Annabel and Marc are eating cereal at the table when I get down to the kitchen. “Get some cereal,” Annabel says, “and then we’ll call Collin. But you might want to hurry. He leaves for work soon.”
I pour some cereal and eat in silence. I’m trying to think of what I will say to him. When I finish eating, I haven’t thought of anything. Annabel dials the number and hands me the phone.
It rings four times, each one seems to be louder than the last. Finally, someone picks up. “Hey, Annabel,” I heard. It’s a female voice. “I’ll go get Collin for you.” I hear her cover the mouthpiece of the phone and call his name. I hear the phone switch hands, and then there’s a small pause.
“Hey, Annabel. What’s up?” His voice freezes me. I can’t move. I close my eyes, trying to keep the memories from coming. But I can’t. “Annabel?” he says again. “Annabel, is everything okay?” He’s worried now. I should say something.
I can’t do it. I can’t talk to him.

He starts to speak again, but I don’t give him a chance. I take the phone away from my ear and hang up.
A couple seconds later, the phone rings again. I go into the living room without looking at Annabel or Marc. Annabel answers the phone.
In the living room, there is another phone. I pick it up and listen in on the call.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“Annabel, what’s going on? Why didn’t you say anything to me? I was going to call he Vipero and send them over there and make sure you were okay if you didn’t answer. You scared me.”
“I’m sorry, she tells him again. “I didn’t mean…”
“I know you didn’t mean to. But you did. So tell me what’s going on.” His voice is hard, commanding. I’ve never heard it like this.
I hear Annabel breathe into the phone. “It… it wasn’t me that made the phone call. It was Meagan.” The line is silent except for the sound of breathing. I keep the mouthpiece away from my mouth so they don’t notice that I’m listening.
It seems like years before he says anything. “My Meagan?” My heart starts to beat twice as fast when he specifies that I’m still his. “You mean Penny? But she’s at the Academy. They would never let her out.”
“She’s here. Technically, she’s not an Azulate anymore because she doesn’t have blue eyes or the birthmark. So she got to come into town yesterday and today.” She sighs. “She wanted to call you and talk to you. But she couldn’t. I don’t know why.” Once again, the only sound is their breathing.
“I’m coming over. I’ m skipping work and I’m coming over to see her.” Annabel starts to say okay.
“No!” I yell into the mouthpiece. “Collin, please don’t come. Don’t come here. You have a wife and children and your own family. And I have my daughter. We have separate lives.”
“But she’s my daughter too, Meagan! You may think that we have separate lives, but we don’t. We may not be allowed to see each other, but we have a family together too. Our lives intersect every day, because we have a daughter.” He is angry at me now. He’s never been angry at me before. “I’m. Coming. Over.”
“Well, I won’t be here.” And I hang up the phone. That did not go how I planned it.

I go into the kitchen, and Annabel and Marc stare at me.
“How far is Collin’s house from here?”
“It’s about half an hour. Why?”
“We gotta go. I have to get something for Belle and Aron, and then we have to go. I can’t… I can’t see him. Not now.” I go to the fridge and start taking out the food. We squeezed all the food into nine boxes, and put them into three bags. I carry them all out to the car.
I come back and they haven’t moved. “I’m just going to wear the same clothes that I wore yesterday, and I’ll have Marc take them back next time he visits.” I go upstairs and change clothes, then put Belle’s necklace in my pocket.
When I go downstairs, Marc is standing in the front hallway holding the keys. “Annabel’s waiting in the car. Are you… Meagan, what’s wrong? What happened to you?”
“I thought I wanted to talk to him. I thought after all these years, it would be great to talk to him, maybe to see him. But I’m not ready.” I shrug. “He’s the only man that I’ve ever actually loves. And he has a family with someone else. And I’m…” I laugh, even though it’s not funny. “I’m married to his brother, and having his brother’s babies. His brother!” I sigh. “I probably won’t ever be ready to see him again.”
He nods. “Alright. Well, let’s just forget it for right now, and we’ll go get the stuff for Julie, Aron, and Belle. And then if you want, we can go back early.” I nod and walk around him to the door before he can see my start to cry.
We go to the toy store first. It’s very small compared to the toy stores in the Memories, but since it has toys that aren’t made of old jumpsuits, I’m sure Belle and Aron will be happy with whatever I find.
I take my time. I want to find something for them that they can keep for their whole lives, not something that they’ll outgrow.
Finally, I find the thing that will work the best. They have a whole aisle dedicated to teddy bears. I find one that’s purple and one that’s green, Belle and Aron’s favorite colors.
For Julie’s present, we go to the building next door. It’s a jewelry store. I find a charm bracelet, and I pick out a charm in the shape of a “J” and one in the shape of an “A” for Julie and Aron.
I’m about to leave when I see the watches. All day, I’ve been debating whether or not to get something for Mathew. I haven’t found anything for him yet. But he’s always asking what time it is, and complaining that the Academy doesn’t have enough clocks.
I pick out the simplest watch that I can find. When I pay, I use the card that the Warden gave me.
It’s lunch time, so we stop at a sandwich shop. I keep looking around, expecting Collin to show up and try to talk to me. I know that it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help it.
After lunch, we go to drop Annabel off at the house. About halfway there, I realize that Collin will be there, waiting. I sink down in the seat, hoping that he won’t see me. But I know that he will.
His car is parked in the driveway, and he’s sitting on the trunk. He stands up when Marc pulls to the side of the road. He doesn’t come any closer, though. Marc and Annabel walk over to him, and I just look at him.
He’s wearing a suit and tie, but his tie is undone. His hair is a mess, and he looks angry, worried, sad, and excited all at the same time. After saying a few things to Collin, Marc walks Annabel to the front door.
Collin doesn’t move, but he stares at me through the tinted window. Now, he just looks hurt. I look back at him, and I start to cry. I consider getting out and talking to him. I’m in the middle of building up the nerve when Marc climbs into the driver’s seat.
“Last chance to say something to him,” Marc says, putting the key in the ignition. When I don’t move, he waves at Collin and starts to pull out into the street. I stare straight ahead until we’re out of the city.
I don’t say anything until we’re almost at the Academy. “Thanks for taking me,” I say. “I had fun. And it was nice to finally meet Annabel.”
He just nods, but doesn’t say anything. He parks the car and helps me carry everything to the door of the building. Before we go in, I stop him. “Mathew, what’s wrong?”
He tries to shake it off, pretend like nothing is wrong. “I just feel like you missed your chance. You’ll probably never see him again. I thought you loved him. I don’t get why you’d let that opportunity pass by.”
I sit down on the ground with my back against the side of the building. “I know. I just… too much has changed, Marc. He has kids with someone else. I’m starting my family with someone else.”
He sits down next to me. “But you don’t love the guy you’re starting a family with.” I just nod slowly.
“I know.” I don’t want to go inside just yet. Instead, I stare out over the desert until I hear the door open.
“I thought I saw a car out here. Why don’t you guys come one in?” Marc and I gather all the bags and follow the Warden back through the hallways. Marc helps me carry my stuff into my apartment. “What time is it?” I ask.
“It’s about four. Let’s put the food in the fridge and then we’ll go downstairs and have the Warden take these bracelets off.”
The Warden is surprised at how early we are, but he doesn’t comment on it. I go back to my apartment and grab Julie’s and bracelet and Aron’s bear. I also change out of Annabel’s clothes and into my jumpsuit, so that I don’t stand out so much.
Julie is sitting on her bed and Aron is on the floor, playing with his toys. He sees me first, and jumps up. “Aunt Meagan!”
Julie’s head turns and she gets up to hug me. “How was it?” she asks.
“It was great.” I tell her about it, except for the parts about Collin. “And I got you guys something.” I hand Aron his bear. “Here you go. I thought it’s a little better than the toys that we have to make ourselves. And this,” I say, pulling the bracelet out of my pocket, “is for you.”
I help her put it on and watch her admire the way it sparkles. “It’s beautiful,” she says. “Thank you.” We talk some more about the trip. I describe the way things looked, how the grass felt. And then I tell her about the food.
“Floor Six is awesome compared to the food on all the other floors. But there are foods that they don’t serve here that are… Oh, Julie, it’s amazing. I brought some back for everyone to try. If you want to try it, come up for dinner tonight.” We talk for a few more minutes and then I go to my apartment. By now, it’s almost six, and I don’t know where Mathew or Belle are. I decide to wait for them to get back before I get the leftovers out.
While I’m waiting, I go into the bedroom, and I take out my necklace. I turn it over to look at the engraving. I rub my thumb over the words for a minute, remembering the day that he gave it to me.
I’m clasping it around my neck when Belle comes through the door. “Mommy!” She gives me the same awkward, sideways hug that everyone has to give me because of my extended stomach.
“Hi, honey. How was your day?”
“I spent the night with Dr. Pender. Have you ever seen her room?” I nod.
“It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?” She nods and hugs me again. “I got a couple things for you.” I go into the bedroom and bring out the teddy bear. “This one is from me.” I reach into my pocket and take out the necklace.
“And this one is from your dad. I wouldn’t be giving it to you until you’re older, but you already know about Collin, so it won’t really affect anything if I don’t give it to you now.”
She opens the box but doesn’t say anything for several seconds. She takes it out of the box and looks at the heart, then at the simple engraving on the back.
“I’ll help you put it on,” I say. She turns around so I can clasp it. “Now we match,” I say, and show her mine.

Chapter 31

For dinner, Julie brings Aron up, and we have my leftovers. There isn’t much conversation, only the sound of chewing and an occasional noise of pleasure. Mathew is hesitant to eat the food that I brought, but I shove a plate into his hands. I give Mathew his watch, and he seems surprised. Since I told him I didn’t love him, we haven’t talked. We haven’t touched or interacted at all, except for when it’s necessary. We’ve pretty much avoided each other as much as possible. So for me spend money on him (even if it’s not my money) is surprising.
The next morning, all the sadness about Collin leaves, and I’m just happy. I feel refreshes, like a little fresh air was all that I needed. I think about it, and realize that it might not be impossible for everyone to get a little fresh air.
I get out a piece of paper and start drawing. I take my time, but it still only takes a few minutes. “Belle,” I say when I’m done, “I have to go talk to the Warden about something. I’ll be back in a little bit, okay?”
I leave my shoes off, because it takes too much effort to put them on. I go to Dr. Pender and ask her if I can use her key so that I don’t have to walk down the stairs.
I get to the Warden’s office and don’t even knock, I just go in. He’s sitting at his desk, and looks up at me. “You should build a wall,” I say. I hand him my paper and wait as he looks it over.
I had drawn a picture of the Academy in an aerial view. Around what would be the back yard, I drew a wall. Inside the wall, there are tables, a playground, fruit trees, and basketball courts. They don’t have basketball anymore, but with the Memories, the Azuli would know what to do.
“Meagan, what makes you think that we could do this?” He looks tired, like he’s been dealing with a lot of stuff lately. I feel bad for causing even more trouble for him. The feeling passes quickly, because this is important.
“You got windows. There have never been windows. Ever. I got to leave. That’s never been done either. An Azulate hasn’t ever left until they were being moved to the new Academy or if they were being exterminated.” I take a deep breath. I have a huge smile on my face. “You may not have meant to be on our side, but you are. And we need fresh air.”
“Meagan, I really don’t think I’d get permission to do this.” He rubs his temples and stares down at the paper.
“Why? We wouldn’t be breaking Academy Law. Technically, everyone would still be at the Academy. It would be legal.”
“If I say I’ll ask about it, will you leave? I have a lot to do. I’m already suffering from my last decision that I made concerning you.”
I shake my head. “Asking isn’t enough. If you just ask, it’ll never happen. You have to fight for it. Present them with something so convincing that there’s no way they can tell you no.”
He waves his hand in the air, dismissing me. “Alright. I will do what I can to have this wall built. Now will you please go? I have a lot to do. And you’ve already caused me enough trouble this week.”
I thank him, and then leave. I use Dr. Pender’s key and take the elevator to Floor Six. I go back to my room and take a nap. Between all the walking around and not getting sleep during the storm, I’m exhausted.
The next week, the Warden sends a few Vipero up to my room to bring me to his office. Once I get there, he stands up and smiles.
“Congratulations, Meagan. You get your wall.” He turns on the big screen and it shows a computer animation that looks a lot like my drawing.
It’s just a big wall that surrounds the back half of the Academy. There is a large playground with swings and a jungle gym. There are picnic tables and a basketball court, like the one I drew. There are trees and a couple gardens, some for flowers and some for vergetables.
“Wow,” I say, staring at it all. “That’s… that’s wonderful.” I keep looking at it, but he looks at some papers on his desk.
“The wall will be twenty feet tall, with an extra ten feet underground. Solid concrete. There will be some parts that are shaded, because in the summers it can get really hot. We have hiring people from the city to build this, and they start tomorrow. The estimated time for this project is less than two months.”
Over the next few weeks, my excitement consumes me. I still feel refreshed from my trip to the city, and I can’t wait for the wall to be finished.
But after a few weeks, I don’t have the energy to be excited anymore. From carrying two extra people around all day, I am exhausted. I have one week left of my pregnancy, and I am ready to get these kids out.
I sit by the window most of the day. Marc still meets me each morning, and he notices how weak I am becoming.
“You look like you’re ready to die,” he says. I glare at him. I’m not actually mad, but I’m very cranky.
“Sorry,” he says. “You’re gonna be exhausted. You tell Julie that she better step in and help you, or I’ll arrest her,” he jokes. I smile, but that’s the only reaction that I give him.
Marc always keeps a conversation going, even if I’m not saying anything to him. It’s nice, just to be able to listen to someone else talk about their lives. “Annabel says she wants to see the kids when you have them. I told her that I’ll do my best to make it happen.” He laughs. “The other day, she was laughing, so I asked her what was so funny. She said she was laughing because she can only have one more kid, and you have three, so she should be allowed to raise one of your kids.”
He laughs about it, and I try to. But I can’t. I think about how sad and upset Annabel must be, to never get to see her child again. And here I am, with one more kid than is legally allowed. It must break her heart every day.
When Marc leaves, I stay and watch the workers build the wall. The hole is dug, and they only have two feet of concrete left to add to the top. Half of the crew has started on the basketball courts and the grass and gardens. The tables and playground equipment will come soon.
Six days later, I still haven’t had my babies. They’ve finished the wall and only have to put In a door to get to the yard. Soon, we will all be free.
I’m talking to Marc about the yard when I feel something on my leg. “Marc,” I say, “I need you to call Dr. Pender. Go find her.” I start to waddle down the hall toward her office, but Marc picks me up and carries me. Dr. Pender is in her office, and when she sees me, she gets right to work.
She sends Marc to get Mathew and Belle, and helps me into the hospital gown. I lay on the table and hooks me up to all the machines. Neither of us say a word.
The contractions start coming fast, and I moan because of the pain. Mathew stands with Belle in the corner.
I’m in labor for three hours, and then Dr. Pender tells me that it’s time.
In a few minutes, we hear the crying of a baby. But it’s the weak cry of someone who’s sick. When Dr. Pender hands the baby to the nurse, I see the pale grey shade of his skin, and it makes me shudder.
But I still have one more baby to deliver. This time, though, there is no crying. As Dr. Pender hands this one to the nurse, she sighs.
“Meagan,” she says, coming over to the side of the bed. “You gave birth to a little boy and a little girl. The little boy is sick, but we’ll do everything that we can to make him better.” She looks straight into my eyes and grabs my hand. “The little girl was still-born.”
I close my eyes to hold back to tears, but they come anyway. “Would you like to hold her?” I nod, and the nurse hands me a small pink bundle.
Her eyes are closed, and she would just look like she were sleeping if it weren’t for her color. She is grey, with no hint of the healthy pink color that she is supposed to have.
Mathew comes over and I hand him the dead body. He has tears in his eyes as he cradles the small form.
Then, Dr. Pender hands me the boy. His blue eyes are open, but they look tired. He is grey, but not quite as grey as his sister. He still has a little bit of pink to his skin tone, but it’s fading fast.
“He looks like you,” I tell Mathew. “What do you want to name him?”
“Jason,” he says without hesitation. “And this one is Morgan.” He sounds so sure of himself, which is kind of a surprise to me. I had assumed that he wouldn’t want anything to do with the twins, because they’re my kids. I’d forgotten that they were his too.
I wave Belle over from her spot in the corner. “Come see your new brother and sister.”
We all surround each other, acting like we’re a real family again. But I know it won’t last long. As the minutes pass, I feel the life slowly leave my son. His eyes start to close, and then he stops breathing. For a minute, he is completely relaxed, and then he slowly starts to stiffen.
The tears are pouring out of my eyes now. My nose is running and I can barely see anything. I hold him closer to me, trying to transfer some of my life into his body. But I know that it won’t work.
Mathew has tears running down his face, too, but Belle is very calm about it. She holds my hand and looks at her brother and sister.
“It’s okay, Mommy. God didn’t want them to live here. He wanted them to see their mommy and daddy, and then come and live with him.” As usual, Belle’s simple view of things comforts and amazes me.
But as I cry and mourn the loss of two more of my children, I realize that maybe, she’s right. Maybe I already have all the family that I need.

Impressum

Texte: Cassie Hoene
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.12.2011

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Widmung:
This is dedicated to my mom, who always had so many difficulties with her pregnancies. Thanks for putting up with all the doctors and hospitals, even when in the end, it didn't do any good. Love you, Mom.