The pain; it wasn’t what I was expecting. I read those books, about the guilt and the confusion… the negativity, eating you inside out.

But I never thought it would happen to me.

I had never really been negative, I was always looking on the bright side of everything; making sure my life was perfect in my eyes and it was all I wanted. But I was naïve to think I had no pain, that the tears I found on my face as I awoke every morning were just from my nightmares, or the joy I was experiencing in my life.

My parents weren’t ones to care, and some part of me knew they never would; but it never bothered me until one day I just, broke.

There’s no other way to explain it, no other way to describe my painful death.
They say death is when you no longer breathe, when your skin is pale and your soul has left your body; but I know better. I died September 15, but no one noticed, because I still went to school and came home; I still ate and interacted although slowly my capacity for words diminished leaving me to walk around school known as Mute girl or Mutie. Although walk really isn’t the right word, since my feet dragged as if every step I took was taking me farther into my hell than I wanted to be.

Life isn’t something to be cherished; it isn’t as special as they make it seem, because living is different than being alive.

Maybe there isn’t a grave plaque that says Brook Widows yet, but it doesn’t mean I am living, I am simply a dead teenager being forced to stay alive. The world is a hollow hell, one that I used to look upon with great admiration, now I look only with pity; pity for those who still see the way I used to, pity for those who think life is such a blessing.

YOLO. It’s a great motto to live by, and it brings up my spirits by assuring me my pain will only happen once; that I won’t return to this putrid world because anywhere is better than here. The air is stale and water is poisoned. Slowly, the world is giving me death, physical real death; only I wish the world weren’t so cruel.

Earth is truly just one demon in our universe, slowly killing us without our noticing and I don’t know what will happen over the years, because it has been exactly one year since I stopped living and is my last day at staying alive.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 20.08.2012

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