High School.

I Woke Up From A Nightmare Screaming, Again. I Was Breathing Heavily With My Hair hung Over My Face Almost Shedding A Tear. I Leaned Up And Reached For My Blanket; Twisting It To The Side And Over My Body. Placing One Foot At A Time On the Wooden Floor I Stood Up And Walked To My Dresser. I Threw On A Tank Top, A Pair Of Black Ripped Jeans, And a Baggy Sweater Then Walked Down Stairs. I Went To The Kitchen To Get Some Water, I Was Opening The Fridge, Until i Seen My Drunk, Asshole Dad. I Slammed It Shut A Practically Sprinted Out Of The Kitchen, Just As I got My Shoes On And Was Ready And Near the Door He Yelled; "Bitch! get your Ass In Here And Make Me Some Food!". I Looked Back And Paused For A Moment. I Was Going To Say something; To Make Him Wish He'd Never Said that, but I Didn’t. Instead I Turned Towards the Door and Ran To School. No-One Was Outside The School Doors. Sliding My Worn Out Converse Across The School Hallway I Come to A Screech When i Hit My Locker. I Whip It Open And Grab My books With Intense Power. I Slammed It Shut And With A Quick Speed I Went To My First Class. I Stopped At The Third Door And Looked Up At The Black Plack On The Door, It Read; "Art Room". I Turned The Knob And Opened The Door To The Direct Attention of The All The Students. I Hate Being Centre Of Attention, it Makes Me Sick To My Stomach knowing Students Have A Chance To Say Things Like "Why You Late? Busy Cutting Again?" Or Just Plain Old Un-Original "Emo Girl". While Looking At The Floor I Lifted My Hood Up And Walked To The Back Of The Room To My Assigned Seat. The Teacher Mr. Wheeling Then Said after An Awkward Silence "Hood Off, Allie" After He Looked Away I Lifted my Hood Back up And Over My Straight, Long Black Hair. Periods Went By And Bells Rang. I Sit In the Back Of each Class So As usual I Sat In My Seat, Took Out My Books And Waited For The Intensily boring Lesson From My Fucked Up Teachers. When Class Ended I Got Up Sliding My Books Off the Corner Of My Desk. I Was The First Out Of The Doors, And When i Got To My Locker I Dragged Out My Bag From The Bottom And Slapped It Over My Back. My Bag Is Really old, Ive Had The Same One For 4 Years. My Mom Bought It For Me Its A Plain Black Soft Material Bag. Its All i Have Left of Her Since she Died. I Was Walking Towards The School Doors, How happy I Was To Get Out Of School, But How Scared I Was To Go Home. Just Before Hitting The Blue Metal Doors My Bag Decided To Rip From The Bottom Revealing My Many Sketch Pads, Note Books And My Sharpe Blade. I Ruffled Up The Papers And Books From The Floor; Probraly Ruining Some Of My Art Work But I Didnt Care. I Was In Search Of My Blade And When I Found It I Picked It up And Stormed Out Of The Door. I Heard My Name Being Called But I Didnt Look Back To See I Just Walked Down The Street. I Walked Down The Road Till I Seen My House. My Dad Was On the Porch With His Friend Rob. Beer Bottles Every Where. I Quickly Turned Away hoping That He Wouldnt Notice Me But Of Corse; He Did. He Seen My Head Bow Down To The SideWalk And i Sped Down The Road. Screaming In An Intense Strong Loud Voice The Words "You Fucking Slut, Get In Here Right Now!" Echo'ed The Street. I Came To A Stop And Turned Back. My Dad Has Always Been Open About His Life, No Secrets, No Regrets. I Avoid My House When His Friend Rob Is There, He Always tries To Rape Me. Ive Left Him A Few Bruises but My Scars From Him Are Far More Perminant. I Took Slow Steps Up The Front Stairs, And As I Walked through The Broken Screen Door My Dad Threw A Beer Bottle At The Back of My Head. I Blacked Out. I woke Up To The Smell Of Lit Weed And Spilt Achohal, I Was Lying In The Couch With Just A Bra And Undies. Rob Came Up To Me Piss Drunk. "Hellof Allieef" He Stammerd. I Leaned Up. "Where Are My Clothes You Creep" I Screamed At him. He Slapped My Across My face. My Dad was Sitting Across The Living Room On An Old Wooden Chair, Laughing. Rob Smiled At Him And Gave My Another Smack. I Looked At My dad. "Please Don't Let Him Do This" I Said As tears Flew Down My Cheeks. "Would You rather you Do It Myself you Little Bitch!" My Dad Shouted Back. I Started To Cry. Rob Was Feeling Up My Thighs, I Pushed Him Away. " Don't!.... Touch Me!" I Said. He Punched My in My Jaw Makin My Lip Bleed The Brightest Red Blood. He Punched My Again And Again Until i Was Dizzy Enough That I Couldnt Pull Him Off Me. I Felt a Sharp Pinch and When I looked At My Arm An Drug Injection Was Being Slid Ito My Pale Skin. My Eyes Went Droopy, And My Head Went Weak. I Could Barely Make Out What Was Happening But I Could Still Feel Him Trying to Touch Me. This Time He Drugged Me, He Was In Total Control. Im Still A Virgin Though, He has ever Gotten Me This unstable Before, But Nothing Was Getting in His Way This Time And I Was So Sure Of It. He Was Sliding his Hand Down My Pants, Feeling Me Up; Until The Cops Busted Through My Door. My Dad And Rob Looking In Shock. Rob Got Up And Ran For The Back Door But Cops Came Around Back. An Officer Picked Me Up And carried Me Into The back Of The Cop Car. I Laid There Until The Police Got In And Drove Me To The Station. They Helped Me Out Of The Car And My Bare Feet Lading Firmly On The Cement. People Rushing Up To me Leading Me To A Room And Laying Me on The Leather Couch. I Fell Into A Deep Sleep. I Was Woken By My Dad, I Jumped Back In Shock , A Police Officer Drived Me Home. I Missed School That Day. Instead I Spent My Time Making Food For My Dad. That Night I Got No Sleep. I Tossed And Turned Back And Forth. When Morning Came Around I Opened My Eyes to Seeing My Dad Stand Over Me With A Long Belt. I Leaned Up And Held My Knees Against My Chest. ‘Just Get This Over With, Im Gonna Be Late For School” I Said In A Sigh. Non the Less He Folded His Belt In Two And Whipped it Along My Back, Leaving A Bleeding Mark. I Held in the Pain and When He Left My Room Threw on a White Hoodie, Some Skinny’s And Rushed My Hair into a Messy bun. I Stumbled Down The Stairs And Out The Door. I Ran Too School And Made It 3 Minutes Before the Bell. I Walked Threw The School Doors And Down The Hall; Everyone Was Whispering. I’m Used to Hearing “Freak or Loser” But They All Covered There Mouths In Silence While Starring At Me. Suddenly I Felt Someone Stand Behind Me holding Me Tight and Taking Me Towards The Gym. I Couldn’t Look Back From The Way I Was Positioned But When We Got To The Gym And The Hold Was realized I Turned Around And Before Me Was A Guy. I Was About To Yell At Him Till I Looked At His Sweatshirt And To My Despair I Seen Blood. “Oh My God Your Bleeding!, Are You Okay?” I Asked Quickly. “Im fine! But I’m Not the One Bleeding, What Happened to Your Back!” He Replied Rather Tensely. I Starred At Him Questionably. He Turned Me Around Gently And Lifted Up My White Sweat Shirt, Then My Tank Top. I Hesitated For A bit But Accepted. After He Looked At My Back I Turned Around. “What’s Wrong?” I Asked Softly. “Your Back, Its Bleeding. What Happened? Were you Hit? Who Did this?” He Asked So Many Questions I Didn’t Know What to Say. My Eyes Started To Tear Up And He Held Me Close. I Barley knew him But Knew Of Him He Was 16, Quiet, Shy, A Few Friends, Wore Black, Had A Spiked Cut Hair Lining And Had His Lip, Nose And Eyebrow pierced. He Was very Dark, But He Was Defiantly The Sweetest Guy You’d Ever meet. I Just Didn’t No His Name. After Moments Of Silence And Starring, And Crying I Finally Broke The Awkward. “Thank you… I’m Sorry You Had to See That, And Im Sorry You Had to Feel Sorry For Me” I Said. “Ive Seen Worse, Much Worse, And I Do Feel Sorry For You But Not For The Reason’s You Think” he Went On. “I Was Watching From Across The Street, And I’m Sorry About Calling The Cops” he Said Slowly. I looked Up At him. “ I Just Di.. I stopped him With A Hug. “You Got Me Away From My Dad, My house, Reality” I Said While Looking Him in The Eyes. He Smirked. “Do you Want To Go For A Walk?” He Asked Sweetly. I Nodded And He Led Me Out The Back Doors Of The Gym. We Walked Down The Street Till We Hit A Big Field About 4 Blocks Away From School. We Walked Around The Edge’s Of The Field And Sat On A Hill. I Held My Knees Against My Chest In Silence. I Looked Over At Him And When He Looked Back I Turned My Head Quickly. He Laughed. “What?” I Asked. “Nothing” He Laughed Again. He held His Head in His Hands And Pushed Backs His Hair. He Was Beautiful. It Was Quiet For A Moment Until I Broke The Silence. “What’s your name?” I Asked Softly. Resting My Head On The Top Of My Knees. “Codie.. And yours?” He Replied In A Very Gentle Calm Voice. “Allie”. “Well Allie, Are you Going To Tell me What Happened To Your Back?” He Waited Patiently For My Answer. I Didn’t Know What To Say. He Knew Parts Of The Story, otherwise Why Would He Have Called The Cops? Speaking Of That, Why Did He? He Shouldn’t Care, Im Nothing; Worthless. Thoughts Floated Through My Head But In The End I Decided To Say “My Dad, He Hit Me Across My Back With A Belt, His Belt, Until It Bled. I Went On. “What Did You See that Made you Call The Police?” I Asked In A Strong yet Shy Tone. He Moved Closer Wrapping His Arms Around My Side. “I Seen That Guy Over Top Of You, You Laying Weakly, In Pain, Screaming For Help But your Dad Did Nothing But Watched You Suffer And Scream” He Said. His Voice Sounded As If it Hurt Him To Say It, Like It Hurt Him To See Me Like That. He Leaned Back And Rested His Body Flat On The Grass Bending One Arm To Fit Under His Head. I Looked Back At Him. I Laid Back Over His Other Arm But When My back Hit the Grass I gasped In Pain Leaning Up Again. He Pulled Me Back Gently Laying Me On My Side Putting My Head On His Chest. I Closed My Eyes As He Wrapped His Arms Around Me. He Kissed My Forehead As I Fell Into A Smooth Sleep. When I Awoke His Head Was Rested Over Mine With his Eyes Closed And His Cold Lips Pressed Again My Forehead. “Codie… Are you Awake?” I Whispered Into His ear. Mmm He Groaned. “Codie” I Whispered Once More. He Quickly Leaned Up. “Huh? .. Oh” He Smiled At Me. “I Didn’t Mean To Wake you, Im Sorry I Just Wanted To Know The Time” I Said Quietly. He Rubbed His Eyes A took Out His Phone From His Back Pocket. He Shook His Hair And Read His Phone. “Its 5:30am” He Said Still Sleepily. “Shit!..” I Cursed Standing Up Much Too Quickly. I Held Out My Hand And Lifted Him Off His Feet. His Sweatshirt Sleeves Were Rolled To His elbows Revealing Many, Many Scars. When He Noticed Me Starring He Rolled Them Up Quickly Looking Away, Keeping No Eye Contact. I Rolled Up Mine Showing My Scars As well Showing Him He Wasn’t Alone. He Looked Down And Paused In Shock. He Moved A Single Strand Of Hair Away from My Face And Rubbed His Hand Gently Across My Cheek. He Looked Into My Eyes Will A Still Focus. He Leaned In To Kiss Me. As I Wrapped My Arm Around The Back Of His Neck I Held Him Close As His Lips Locked With Mine. Pushing His Hair Up And His Smooth Lips Moved With Mine As One. Wrapping his Arms Around My Waist He Lifted Me Off My Feet And The Twisted Around Him. When He Pulled Away Gently We Looked At Eachother. I Bite My Lip As He Let A Gorgeous Smile Spread Across His Face. “Can I Walk You Home?” He Smirked. He Put My Bangs Behind My Ear As He Waited For My Reply. I Didn’t Know Weather To Say Yes Or No. If He Walked Me Home He Would See My Dad, Drunk, Rugged And Abusively Toned. I Looked Down At The Grass As My Eyes Filled With Water. He Placed his Two Fingers On My Chin Lifting My Head. I Turned It Looking At The Distance Hiding My Puffy Eyes. His Palm Rested against My Cheek as He Turned It Back To him. “You Don’t Need To Worry For me, I only Need To Worry For You” He Continued In A very Strong Calm Voice. “Ive Never Felt … What I’m Feeling For Anyone In My Existence, You’re my Life Now And I Will Do Anything To Keep It That Way, Your Mine” He Pulled Me In Close Kissing My Cheek. He took My Hand and We Walked down the Dirt Path Leading out Of the Park and down the Street. After 20 Minutes And Hand Swinging, Laughing And Crying, We Approached My House. “Here’s Me” I paused. He looked Around And Then Smiled Down At Me. He Dropped My Hand And Went Across the Street Down 2 Houses. He Shouted Across The Road “Here’s Me” Then laughed. I Never Knew He Lived there, I haven’t Seen him Walking The Streets So I Guess I Would Have Never Known. He Looked Both Ways Then Jogged Back To Me Wrapping His Arms Around My Waist Then Locking Them Behind Me. “Since When Do You live there?” I Let Out A Very Bad Fake Laugh. “Since About 3 Years Ago” He Smirked. “Oh really?” He Spun Me Around Replying With A Nod. It Was the Perfect Moment. I Slid Away From his Arms Like A Little Snake. “I Got to Go” I Kissed His Cheek And Walked Up My House Stairs.
He Jerked His Head At Me As I looked Back Then Sunk His Hands Into His Front Pockets. Bowing His Head Down He Crossed The Street Arriving At His House. I Walked Through My Busted Screen Door to See My Dad Passed Out On The Couch With A Beer Bottle In His Hand. I walked Up My Creaking Stairs And Into My Room Plopping On My Bed With Head Phones In My Ears Thinking Of Him. "God i Love HighSchool" I Said As I Quietly Laughed.

Codie.

Codie.
She Makes Me So Happy; I Can’t Begin to Think Of Losing Her Without Collapsing In The Pain. When I Got In My House My Mom Welcomed Me With The Good Old “Who Was The Girl?”… “You were spying on me?” I Said Back. “ I Wasn’t Spying I Just Worry That’s All, She Wears Too Much Black And Seems Far To Affectionate Over You, I Don’t Approve Codie, I Don’t” She Said In A Firm Tone. “Well Thankfully I Don’t Care Weather You Approve, She’s Everything To me And I’m Not Going to Lose Her Because You Can’t Except That I’m Growing Up” I Said As I Stormed Up To My Room Slamming The Door Behind Me. I Can’t Stop Thinking Of Her, She’s So Beautiful, She’s Who I’ve Been Waiting For; And I Can’t Get Her Out Of My Head. I Sat At My Desk As I Put In My Head Phones And Fell Asleep. After 2 And A Half Months Of Dating I Wanted To try Something New. I’m Still A Virgin… And She Meant So Much To Me. I didn’t want to lose it To Just Anyone. After getting dressed I Met up with Allie A Few Blocks Away the the Park. We Sat On The Same Hill Where We Sat The First Day We Kissed. After A Very, Very Awkward Moment Of Silence I Said A Few Words. “Hey, Can I Ask you Something?...” I Said Slowly. She Laughed At My Funny Tone. “Of Corse Anything” She Replied. “Well I’ve Been Thinking, We’ve Been Dating for 2 and a Half Months and I Thought Maybe We Could Try… I Paused In Embarrassment’ Maybe We Could Try Something More Intimate... Like Sex Maybe?” I Said Even Slower Then The Previous Question. Her Head Popped Up From Laying It On Her Knees. He stuttered in a Quiet Voice While trying To Speak. “We Will, I Just don’t think I’m Ready Just yet, I Love You A lot I Just Don’t Think I’m Experienced, Or Brave Enough, But We Will I Promise” She Said On. “You’re Still A Virgin? Me Too; I’m Not Experienced Either, And I’m Sure As Hell Not Brave Enough But I Understand Ill Wait” I Smiled And Kissed Her Forehead. “Thanks’, And Yes I’m Still A Virgin, I thought You Knew Already” She Said Quietly Hoping no One Would Here Her. I Walked Her Home After Words And Went Up to My Room That Night And Rustled Through My Drawers. When I Found My Blood Stained Blade I Slit It Across My Wrist And Let The Blood Pour Out. I Was So Stupid, I Put her Under Pressure, I Could Have Hurt Her Or Lost her I’m So Stupid, I Kept Thinking To Myself As The Blood Dripped On The To Floor. I Fell Asleep Soon After. I Love Her. Months Went By As Our 4th Hit. I Woke Up that Morning And Sent Her A Text Saying "I Love You". After I Sent it I Smiled At My Phone As I through It On The Bed Side Dresser. I Got Dressed In Black Skinny Jeans And no Shirt. I Tossed on A Old Black Hoodie And Went Across The Street To Meet Allie. I Walked With Her To School As She Held Onto My Arm.

A First For Everything.

I Woke Up To The Sound Of My Phone Ringing. I Was Sweating And Out Of Breath Again From My Nightmares. There Getting Worse And Worse Every night. They Never Change Its Always Me And My Dad, And He’s Trying To Kill Me With A Piece Of Broken Glass, A Glass Mirror I Broke With My Own Looks; But This Time… It Was Me And Codie. We Were Sitting On His Front Porch When My Dad Came Outside To The Sidewalk Drunk. He Was Walking Across the Street When Codie Ran After Him. I Pulled His Arm Back To Stop Him But He Slipped Out Of My Grip. A Car was Speeding Right towards Them. I Was Screaming, When Codie Realized The Car He Pushed My Dad to The Sidewalk And He Was Hit. My Dad Came up To Me and Whispered in My Ear, “That’s What’s Going to Happen to You” Then I Would Wake Up. I Reached Over To Grab My Phone. “I Love You” Is All It Read. I Smiled When I Saw The Sender Was Codie. I Stepped Out Of Bed throwing My Blanket Aside and Running to Get Dressed. I Threw On Skinny’s, A Red Lace Tank Top and Placed My Black Hoodie over Top of My Shirt. I Ran Down Stairs Avoiding Breakfast And Out The Door. Me And Codie Have Been Dating For 4 Months Today. He Brings A Smile To My Face When I See His Gorgeous Green Eyes Meet Mine. Every Morning He Kisses My Lips Telling Me How Beautiful I Am. I Feel Like Everything Is In Place But I Don’t Think He Thinks So. Around 6 Weeks Ago He Asked Me If I Wanted to Get More “Intimate”. I Was Scared, Inexperienced And I Could Tell He Was Too. When I Turned Him Down I Could See The Sadness In His Eyes. Codie Doesn’t Revolve Our Relationship Around Sex, It Was The First Time He Asked , I Just Wasn’t Ready. Although I Think I Am Now. After 4 Months Of Being Together, There Has To Be A First Time For Everything Right? He Met Me Outside My House Door And We Walked To School As I Leaned My Head On His Shoulder. I Grew taller over The Months But Still Has To Tippy Toe To reach His Lips. We Went to Our Separate Classes, And Met up at the Ones We Have together. Lunch Passed, And Then Before I knew it, it Was Time To Go Home. I Walked to Codie’s Locker and Grabbed His Hand as We Walked out the School’s Front Doors. His Mom Is Away On A Business trip For 3 Weeks So I Asked To Come Over. When We Got To His House He turned On a movie And We Sat In His Room On The Floor Cuddling. After That one Ended I Turned On Another One; Half Way through That I Turned To Kiss Him. We Kept Kissing , I Reached To Un Buckle His Belt But He Pulled Away. “Allie We Don’t Have To Do This, I’m Not Rushing Into Anything We Can Take Our Time” He Blurted out. “I Know What I Want, I Want you, I love you” I Leaned Into To Kiss Him Again But He Still Pulled Away. “I’m Sorry, I Don’t Think We Should, You’ll Regret it I Know you Will” He Turned His Head. “Fine, ill Go Then, Bye Codie” I Stood Up And Walked Away. He Grabbed My Arm. “Allie Please Don’t Do This, I’m Sorry”. I Jerked My Arm Away And Walked Down the Stairs And Out His Door Slamming It Behind Me. I Was Running Across The Street When I Bumped Into Someone And fell Over. I Looked Up To See An Unfamiliar Face. He Held Out His Hand And Lifted Me Up And Off My Feet. “ I Am So, So Sorry, Are you Hurt, Are Your Bleeding? Do you Need A Doctor?” He Was Speed talking While Spinning Me Around To Examine Me. I Laughed And Held My Finger Against His Lips To Shut Him up. “ I’m Fine, Thanks”. I Replied. “Oh thank god… I’m Joseph But you Can Call me Joey” He Curtsied. I Just Laughed. “I’m Allie, Nice To Meet You” I Said. “You Too, I Should Probably tell You I’m Gay, Feel Free To Run From “The Freak” At Anytime” He Said rather Annoyed With himself. “Why Would I Run?, Your No Threat Besides I’m A Freak too.” I Smiled As I Held Out My Wrists to Show Him My Cuts. He Wrapped His Arm Around My Neck. “I Think I’m going To Like you” He Laughed. “Don’t Get your hopes Up, I’m Hard To Figure out, Even my Boyfriend Codie Says So” I Replied With A Rather Visible Smirk. “I Like A Challenge” We Walked Over Towards Codie’s House Again. I Knocked On the Door As Joey Stood Back A little behind Me. When Codie Answered His Facial Expression Turned From Worried To Angry After Noticing Joey. Joey Held Up His Hands In Surrender And Said Quickly “Im Gay Hun, Don’t Kill Me”. Codie Smiled. “ I Wasn’t Going To, I Just care About Allie”. “I Still Have to Go, I Just Wanted to See If you Were Okay” I Said All of A Sudden To Codie. I Walked Down The Stairs And Across The Street To My House. Joey Walked Further Down The Street To His House And Codie Slammed His Door Going Into His. I Couldn’t Sleep Again That Night. I Would try to Close My Eyes But All That Popped Up Was Codie Getting Hit By That Car And I Couldn’t Put Myself Through That. Instead I Got Out My Blade And Began Cutting Deep Into My Wrists. “Ahh –Ssss!” I Hissed Under My Breath In Pain As My Arms Turned Pale And Became Weak. I Heard Foot Steps Up The Stairs, Quiet But Still You Could Hear Them. I Smeared The Blood Up My Arm Covering It Up And Curled Under My Blanket. My Door Creaked Open As the Door Knock Shook In Movement. The Door Was Shut Behind Who Ever It Was As They Gently Started Walking. I Launched Up And Out From My Blanket Kicking The Person In The Shin. I Turned On The Bedside Lap And Seen It Was Joey. “Joey…” I Paused And Crouched Kneel Beside Him. He Looked Down At The Intense Amount Of Blood, And then At Me. I Pulled Him Across The Floor Gently And We Leaned up Against My Bed. His Eyes Were Full Of Water And Above His Eye A Slit That Bled Down His Cheek. My Eyes Filled Up With Water In Sight Of His Bleeding Cut. “I’m Sorry For Scaring You, I Just Couldn’t Go Back Home, I Really Sorry” He Pleaded For Forgiveness But I Had Nothing To Forgive Him For. He Did Nothing Wrong And I Would Have Done the Same Thing If I Was Alone, Scared And Hurt Too. “No, Its Okay, What Happened? Are You Alright… Who, Who Did This? I Stuttered The Words As They Came Out From My Dry Lips. He Told Me Of How His Father Had Died. How his Mother’s new Boyfriend Harmed Him and His Mother If They Don’t “Obey” Him. How His “Step Father” Put Him In front Of The Bathroom Mirror And Told Him How Ugly And Pathetic He Was; How His Step Father Broke The Mirror And Said Joey’s Shame Shattered It, And With The Sharpest Piece Of Glass He Gashed It Across his Upper Eye Leaving Behind A Deep Scar. I Covered My Mouth And Began To Cry Like I’ve Never Cried At All In My Life. My Tears Poured Over Cheek, And Down My Face. He Smudged My Eye Liner Under My Eyes And Told Me In a Calm tone “It’s Going To be Okay”. After I Calmed Down We Just Sat Up All Night talking. I Talked About Codie And Our Not So “Intimate Encounter”. “I Wasn’t Ready When he Was, And Now Because Of that He’s Afraid To Touch Me” I Said Annoyed. “Sounds To Me Like He’s the One Not Ready This Time” It Was Silent For A bit. Then He Talked About His Dad, talked About Him as If they Were Best Friends Before He Died. He’s Very Expressive And Feminine; I Love it. “He Died About two Years Ago, He Was Working On the Rail Way When His Pant Leg Got Caught Into The Track, That Was When the train Hit Him” He Slowly Spoke. “I’m Sorry” I replied. He Nodded. We Goofed Around trying To Lighten The Mood. His Legs Lay Straight On The Ground And My Head Gently Placed Across Them In The Opposite Direction. Looking Up At Him Laughing At My Horrible Jokes. I Buried My Head In His Chest When I Or He Said Something That Made Me Embarrassed. He Was My Best Friend. I’ve Never Had A Best Friend Before, Someone to Tell me What To Wear, To Run To When I Have boy Problems. Well, there’s A First for Everything. I Could Still See The Sadness In His Eyes. “You Know, Joey, You Can Stay Here Till Things Get Better At Home, As long As You need I’m Here For You” I Suggested. “Thanks Allie, Lets Just Hope you Don’t Rape Me” He Laughed. I Playfully Punched Him In The Gut. “I’m Saving My “Organs For Someone A little More Manly” I Did A Cheesy Smile. His Jaw Dropped As he Covered It Half Way With A Girly Hand Motion. “Hmph, I Am So Manly Enough” We Both Laughed. That’s All I Remembered before Drifting Of to Sleep. I Got Up that Morning After About And Hour Of Sleep And Licked The Side Of Joey’s Face. “Morning Sunshine” I Announced After his Shocking Wake Up. “You Know, I’m Going to Have to Sanitize My Face thanks To You” he wiped Of My Saliva and Smirked. “Im going To Take A Shower” I Grabbed A Towel And Walked Out My Door. “Hey Allie” He Called. I Held The Corner Of the Bedroom Wall And Half Looked Into My Room. “Yeah?” I Asked. “Don’t Drop The Soap” He Smiled. It Was a Stupid Remark People Use For “Gay’s”. I Laughed At his Fail Attempt To Make A Joke And Walked Back Into The Bathroom. I Turned On The Faucet, Then Pushed Down The Rod To Turn On The Shower. I Stood Under The Water And Pushed Back My Hair With The Shampoo. I Washed And I Rinsed Off . I reached For My Towel And Dried Off A bit. I Put On My Underwear And Bra Still Standing In The Tub And Wrapped Around Me The Other Dry Towel. I Stepped Out Slowly Putting My First Foot On the Ground And Then Lifted My Other One Over The Edge. I Hit The Ledge of the Tub And Dropped to the Ground With And Intense Slam. Joey Ran In, And Helped me Up With His Single Hand. When Are Fingers Touched I Felt What he Felt. I Pulled Back As We Powered Up And Electric Shock. My Hair Fizzed Up As Joey Hid His Smile Of Laughter. I Left The Pain He Felt, The Guilt, The Hatred towards Himself, All His Emotions. I then Started To Hear His Thoughts In My Head, He Thought it Was Funny How My Hair Spiked Up From The Spark, But How I Looked Adorable When In Fear. I Was So Confused , I Didn’t No What Was Happening. He Helped Me Up And I Ran Into The Room With Him And Closed The Door. What If I Could Feel What People Felt, Hear There Thought? I was Still Surprised By Everything That’s Already Happened. I Wondered If I Would be Able to Read Codie, Really Under Stand what was Going Through his Body. Was It My Touch? It Had To Be. I Took Of My Towel, Got Dressed, Threw On A Sweater And Grabbed his Hand Dragging Him Down The Stairs And Across the Street To Codie’s House. I Knocked On the Door With A Powerful Forced And Lunged At Him When he Answered The Door, Knocking Him Over And Onto The Ground. With My Over Top Of Him I Kissed His Lips. I Began To Absorb His Emotions, Everything In His Mind. He Was thinking Of Me, And How He Rejected me. How I Was So Upset At him. He Was Feeling Sad and Guilty but HeShouldn’t Have, It Was My Fault Instead Of Him rushing Me I Rushed Him. I Looked Into His Eyes And Smiled. He Looked Over At Joey And He Just Shrugged, Not Nothing What The Fuck Was Happening. I Got up then Reached To Help Codie Up. I Had To Figure Out Exactly What Was Happening, Why I Could All Of A Sudden take In All of What People Don’t Dish Out. Still Being Confused Me, Codie And Joey Started Walking To School. I Completely Let My So Called ‘Power” Free Of My Mind. Just Till After School

Pain & Pleasure.

The Classes Me And Codie Didn’t Have, Me And Joey Did. I Was Only Alone On A Few Little Stupid Classes. Through The Front Doors… People Were Starring At Me As I Walked Down The Hallway With Both of Them. Joey Gave Me A Piggy Back, But Everyone Already Knew It Was Codie I Was Dating. I Could Tell Even Without Me Touching Them They Were Thinking “Love Triangle” But It Wasn’t Like That. I Loved Codie, More Than Anyone In The World. Joey Is Just Shy About Being Gay, So She Doesn’t Announce It Or Dress His Part. I Got To My First Class with Codie; Science. We Had To Work In Partners At The Microscopes. Working on Cells Both Multi and Unicellular. When We Got Up I Looked Into The Scope And Wrote Down What I Saw. It Took Me A While To Write Down Minor-Details, So Long I Forgot A Part. I Looked Back Into the Microscope And Saw Faint Letters. I Turned The Lenses To Low And Read “I Love You” I Looked Over And Up At Codie But He Looked Away And Whistled In Suspicion. I Smiled At Him Then Switched Back the Glass to the Cell. When The Bell Rang I Went To My Other Classes. Today I Only Had 2 Classes with Codie, And 1 With Joey. The Rest by Myself, As Usual. After School Me And Codie Walked Home While Joey Stayed Back At School. We Walked Around The Block For A Bit And Then over To His House. With his Mom Still Being Out Of Town He Must Get Lonley. We Watched A Action Movie; Fast And The Furious. Paul Walked Is Gorgeous. I Had A Long Day At School Anyway, And Even With All The Excited Ment I was About to Fall Asleep When he turned of The Movie and Took Me by the Hands. I Looked At Him Still Trying To Stay Awake. “Mmm” I groaned. “We Need To talk About The Other Night” He Said. “I Was The One Who Wasn’t Ready, And I’m Sorry For That, But You Can’t Ever Do That Do Me Again; You Can’t Walk Out On Me, I Love You And I Can’t Even Begin To Think About Loosing You I Just Can’t, So Please, Don’t Run From Me” He Frowned. I Hugged Him Wrapping My Arms Tight Around Him. “I Won’t Ever Leave You, I Promise I Love You Too. I Was Just Excited, And A little Spontaneous That Night, I Only Want To Do It When your Ready I Smile. He Looked At Me And Said Very Slowly “I Want To, I’m Ready To Try” He Started Lifting Up My Top. Then My Pants Came of, Then My Bra, Then My Underwear. He Kissed Up My Body Till He Got To My Lips. I Was Looking Him In His Beautiful Green Eyes When His Smile Took My Attention. I Gently Pulled of His belt, Then His Jeans And The Rest Of His Clothes. When We Were Both Naked My Stomach Started Turning. He Was So Muscled, So Sexy; But I Felt Fat And Ugly (Even Though I Weighed Only 90 Pounds At Age 15) I Laid on My Back As He Laid over Me. “Ready?” He Said Worried. I nodded My Head as He Pushed in Gently. I Bit My Lip in Sudden Pain but It Started To Feel A little Good after a While. I Tightened My Grip Around His Neck. He Asked If I Was Okay A Few times But I Was Moaning Pretty Loud By The Time We Past 20 Mins. I Was So Red In The Face, I Was Moaning In Pleasure And Holding On To Him. My Stomach Felt Kind of Weird Though, He Moved In And Out A little Faster Until I Began To Twitch And Squirm. I Was What People Call An “Orgasim” I Held On Tighter Then Ever As It Felt All Tingly Inside. He Laughed At My Sudden Change From Pleasure To Awkward. I Seen A Slight Bit Of Blood, I Was A Virgin and it Was Normal But Still Very, Very Awkward. It Started To Feel Really Great! He Pushed It Harder… And A lot Faster!, I Felt Like I Was Going To Scream! It Was Happening Again, That Weird Tingly Feeling. I “Cum-med Again” And Then He Did A Minute After. I Was On Birth Control So He Released Inside Me, I Didn’t Mind It Just Felt A little Weird Is All. We Walked Up Stairs To Go Take A Shower Together, We Rinsed Off And Got Out. I Put Back On My Clothes And He Put On His. “That Was Amazing” I Laughed. “I Agree” He Pushed Back His Hair. “Sorry About The Blood” I Smirked A Bit. “Don’t Worry, Its Normal Right?” He Laughed. I Kissed Him Goodbye and Walked Across the Street to My House. I Was Brave Enough To Do it, I Had Sex for the First Time. I Couldn’t Believe It. It Was So Pleasurable.
When I Walked In My Door, I Didn’t See My Dad. I Took My First Few Feet Up The Stairs When He Back Handed Me Pushing Me to Hit My Head On The Steps. I Woke Up With Blood On My Shirt, On A Gurney In An Ambulance. My Head Was Dizzy, Pounding, Throbbing In Intense Pain. The Medic’s Were Attending My Head, It Was Gashed Open From The Stair And Gushing Blood. I Closed My Eyes A Wished It Would All Go Away. I Opened My Eyes To Arrive In A Hospital Bed With Joey Beside Me, But No Sigh Of Codie. I Looked Around But He Wasn’t There. “Where’s Codie? How long Was I Asleep Anyway?” I Held My Head. “He Was Here About 10 Minutes Ago But He Left, His Mom Called And Said She Was Coming Home” He Smirked. “Oh, Okay. Ow! What Happened?” I Held My Head; Looking At My Hand Covered In Blood. “Just Go To Sleep You Goof” Joey knocked Me Over On My Back Gently. “Fine” I Laughed. Closing My Eyes I Went Back to Sleep. I Woke Back Up In Codie’s House. I’ve Always Been A Deep, Deep! Sleeper. For Example, I Don’t Even Feel Being Picked Up And getting Dragged Into A House. I Kissed Codie’s Cheek. “Thank you” I Smiled. He Knew I Was Always Happy To Be Away From My Dad. He Nodded. Codie’s Mom Walked in the Room with a Wet Face Cloth and Ice Bag. “You’re Staying With Us” She Smiled. “Your Father Is … Well He’s In Prison” She Continued. My Eyes Lit up in Happiness as I Lunged at Mrs. Walker (Codie’s Mom) Hugging Her. “Thank You So Much!” I Said Quickly. She Laughed at My Sudden Happy Facial Expression, I Just Found out My Dad Was in Jail and the Best I Could to Was Smile. “My Only Rule is you And Codie Sleep In Different Rooms, Please” He insisted. I Hesitated. “You’re House Your Rules, I Just Thank You” I Smiled. Codie Walked over With Me And Helped Me Pack Up My Clothes, And My Other Items. I Didn’t Want His Mom Buying Me new Stuff. Not At All. I Looked In The Mirror As I Got My Toothbrush From The Bathroom. I Had A Bloody Scar Over One Side Of My Face. I Lifted it off The Wall And Through It Down The Hallway. “I’m Done With Getting Dirty, I’m Not Dealing With It Anymore” I Said Aloud. Codie Looked at Me in Confusion but Grabbed Some of My Small Bags Filled with My Shoes/Hair ties/Socks/Underwear/Bra. I Carried three Bag of My Jeans/Shirts/Sweaters/Shorts/Tights and Legwarmers. We Walked Into His House As He Walked Me Up the Stairs To The Entrance Of A Blank Wall. I looked Over At Him. “What The Fuck?” I Questioned. He Moved A Picture to The Side A Bit And the Wall Opened A Door. I Jumped Back Surprised And Laughed. “That’s Awesome!” I Shouted. “My Dad Built It for Me To Put My Stuff In, Things I Didn’t Want People To Touch” He Looked Down At Me. I Kissed His Cold Lips. “I’m Sorry” I Said. He Nodded. We Walked Into The Room. It Was Huge. I Set My Bags Down, And He Set His Down. He Pulled Out A Wad Of Cash, There Had to Be At Least 2000 Dollars There. I Looked At Him And Pushed It Away. “You’re Rich?” I Asked. “A little, take It, It for a Bedroom Set, My Mom Said So”. “I Can’t, Its Way to Much!” He Took Out A Dollar And Smirked. “there” He Laughed. I Gave Him A Big Dirty I Took the Money. He Pulled out His Mom’s Car Keys. She Didn’t Seem Like She Liked Me Much. Codie Said She Would Learn To Love Me, But I Didn’t Care Either Way. Me, Codie And His Mom Drove To IKEA. I Bought A Bed, Some Dressers, And Some Bed Side Tables For Under A Thousand Dollars. I Got Black Sheets with Red Blood Splats on Them for Under 40 Dollars and Used The Rest, For Some New Clothes. When We Got Home Some IKEA Guys Helped Set Everything Up. When I was Settled In, I Put Away My Clothes, Shoes, Regular Teen Things. I Walked Down The Block While Codie Stayed Home To Help His Mom With Some Things. I Went To The Shoppers Drug Mart to Buy Some Pads, Tampons, Tooth Paste And A New Hair Brush. I Was Starting Over. My Dad Wouldn’t Be Getting Out Anytime Soon So I Was Going To Get My New Life Started. I Cashed Out And Walked Out The Store And Down The Street With Two Bags. I Bought Some Extra Pads Just In Case I Didn’t Get Money Next Month. I Wanted To Save Up, Mine And Codie’s 6 Month Anniversary Was Coming Up Soon; It’s a Big Deal To Me And I Wanted To Get Him Something Nice. I Walked Into The Door And Up Stairs To My Wall. (Lol) I Turned The Picture To The Right And Walked On In. I Unpacked The Pads/Tampons And Placed Them Into My Bedside Drawer. I Put My Toothbrush/Paste In My Own Bathroom; Can you Believe It? I Have My Own Bathroom. When I Turned Around Codie Was At The Door. I Hugged Him Tight A Kissed his Cheek. “I Love This, I Completely Love This”. He Smiled At Me As I Said It. “I’m Glad You Like it Babe” He Laughed. He’s Never Called Me Babe In The Whole 5 And A Half Months Weve Dated, But I Liked It It Was Very Unique. “Babe?” I Laughed. I Pulled Me In Close Wrapping His Arms Around My Waist “You Are My Babe” He Kissed My Lips Closing The Door Behind Him. It Was More Pleasure Than Pain That Day.

The Woods

Its Been 2 Weeks Since I Moved Into Codie’s House, I’ve Been So Busy I Havn’t Even Had Time For Joey. He Had To Go Back Home When I Moved In With Codie, I Felt More Guilt In My Stomach When I Seen The Pain In His Eyes At School. New Scars Each Day, From His Step Dad I Assumed. Joey Is My Best Friend, No Doubt At All. I Missed Him… I Didn’t Care What People Said At School, Being That People Recognized Codie Was Gay They Judged Him More Than They Judged Me, He Doesn’t Even Show Up To School Much Anymore. I Had To See Him. I Took A Shower, Got Dressed, Rushed My Hair In A Messed Bun And Walked Out The Door. I Avoided Each Crack In The Side Walk, My Mom Was Already Dead, And I Was So Sure My Dad Would Be Soon Gone As well, I Didn’t Care For My Father, Not Even Half A Slight Of Love, But My Mom Was A Good Mom, And I Wanted Her Happiness As Much As I Had My Own. I Got To Joey’s Door And Hesitated. I Let Out A Deep Breath And Knocked Three Times Backing Up At The Yelling I Heard Inside. The Door Swung Opened And There Stood Joey’s Mom. “Is Joseph Here?” I Stuttered. She Closed the Door Quietly behind Her, “You Need To Leave Now, Joe-Joe Goes To The Woods Plenty Each Day, you’ll Find Him There” She Said Slowly And Very Calmly. I Nodded And Walked Down The Street As She Pointed Down At The Huge Woodlands That Lied Before Me. She Was Dragged Into The House By A Tall Rugged Man. I Glanced At Him, But Ran Off Before He Could Notice. Down The Street Jumping The Blocks Of Cement As They Connected Down the Road. I Ran Through The Woods, Round And Round Looking For Joey. I Heard A Crackle Of Noise So I Hit Behind A Tree, Pressing My Cheek On The Side Of It I Looked At The Distance Between Each Tree. As I Seen Someone I Flinched Back And Slit My Lip Off A Chip Piece Of Bark On The Tree. I Looked Over Again But No-one Was There.. Suddenly A Grip Wrapped Around My Waist Pulling Me Off To The Side Slightly. I Stood In Silence, And When We Came To A Stop I Turned To See Joey. “Oh Thank God” I Smiled Hugging Him tightly. "Don't Do That!, Where Have You Been I Havn;t Seen you In Forever, I Missed You, Why Arn't You Ever At School? I Asked Most Likely Sounding Like A Concerned Mom. He Just Laughed. He Looked Down At Me. He Touched Him Thumb To My Bleeding Lip, But I Jerked Away Looking Off The Distance. He Signed taking My Hand, Looking Up At Him Climbing What Seemed To Be A Tree House Of Some Sort. It Was Broken, Dirty, But Very Big. I Climbed The Alter As He Reached Out His Hand To Lifted Me Off The Last Step. We Sat Up Against The Wall. He Thoughts And Emotions Rushed Through My Blood As I Sat There. I Had To Tell Him And Codie About What’s Been Going On. I Knew Codie Wouldn’t Be Happy Of My Telling Joey First But I Didn’t Care At That Particular Moment. “Hey Joey, I Need To Tell you Something” I Said Awkwardly. His Eyes Lit Up “Okay, What Is It?” He Waited. “When I Touch Someone, With My Bear Skin… I Start To Feel What They Feel, And Hear What They Think” I Paused. He Laughed. “I Knew It”. I Questioned Him With Some Harsh Comments, Asking Mainly About How this Happened To Me. He Said Only “I Don’t Know, When You Started Being More Desperate For Human, Physical Contact I Researched A Bit On Natural Gifts, And When One Came Up Explaining Your Behavior I Knew What Was Going On, It Is Kind Of Obvious… to Me Anyway” He Said Rather Calm And Soft Voiced. I nodded Understanding. “So Why Are You Always Here Joey?” I Asked. “I Can’t Stay At Home, And When you Moved In With Codie I Knew I Had To Stay Away In General Approach That Is” He Smirked. “You Didn’t need To, You’re my Best Friend I Can’t Loose You, I tell You Everything About Everything And It Will Never Change” He Smiled As The Words Flowed Out Of My Cold Purple Lips. He Wrapped His Arms around Me Tight in Comfort as the Question He Asked “So How’s Things with Codie And… You Know” Sunk Into My Head. I Looked Up At Him “We Had Sex, I Was Brave Enough To Do It, We Have Only Had Sex Twice But Each Time Is Perfect To Me; Twice In The Same Day I Mind You” I Laughed. “Its Beautiful here, In The Woods” I Said. “Yeah, I Love It Out Here, Its So Peaceful, You Hear The Wolves Howl At Night And I Tell You Allie Its Amazing” He Went On. I Smiled At Him. I Was Only glad To See He Was Happy, Even Though All He Had Here Was A Mattress, Some Blankets And Many Gorgeous Sketches He Drew. He Smirked At My Smile. Joey’s Question Still Sat In My Head, I Wondered If When I Got Home… Me And Codie Could Do It Again, Were Not Getting Any Younger. I Laughed In My Head. I’m Only 15 So I Think I Want To Do It Many More Times, And Especially With Codie. The Trees Started To Move In The Wind. It really Was Beautiful Here, And Now That I Knew Where Joey Is Hiding Out, I Could Force His Sorry But To School Each Day, Besides The Woods Is Only Down The Road.

Rejection.

When I Got Home (Codie’s House) “ I Talked To Joey” I Said Quietly. “Oh Yeah? How Is He?” He Asked. “Good, He’s Going to Start Coming To School Again Which I Good I Guess”. After A Moment Of Silence I Started Flirting A Bit When I Walked Into His Room, Further In That Is. Is It Safe To Say Joey’s Question Got Me “Turned On”? Codie Was Wearing No Shirt So His Abs Were Showing A Direct Movie to My Eyes. I Smiled At Him, And He Smiled Back Welcoming Me Into His Arms. I Started Kissing His Neck, And When He Caught On He Stood Up And Locked His Bedroom Door. Him Taking Off My Shirt And Pants, Me Taking Of His Pants And Boxers. After Making Out For About 10 Minutes He Laid Me Down And Got Over Top Of Me. I Hesitated. “I Want to Try Something” I Smiled. The Confused Look On His Face Made Me Want To Laugh. I Switched Us Over Getting On Top This time. I Spread My Legs A bit And Placed It in Me. Guiding It with My Hand It Finally Got It. I Started Moving Up And Down, He Pushed In Deep, I Could Feel It Inside and It Still Kind Of Hurt Going In Harder But I Got Used To It. Moaning Quietly I Could Feel I Was Having An Orgasm. I Collapsed Over His Body As He Still Moved Up And Down Faster. When He Released, He Stopped With It Still In Me. Smiling, I Didn’t Want To Stop. I Gave Him One Of those Looks, And He Nodded With A Slight Smile. Pushing In Deeper, And Faster I Could Feel Another Orgasm. This Time I Bit My Lip As He Pulled Out during It. I Was Embarrassed, My Face Was All Red as Liquid Was Over Top Of Him. He Wrapped His Arms Around Me And Laughed. “Relax Hun, Its Normal” He Said. I Forced A Smile But Only A Small Grin Appeared. We Rushed Into The Shower To Get Cleaned Off. He Washed My Body For Me As I Kissed His Gentle Lips. When We Got Out, I Rapped My Towel Around Me And Got Into My Room. Placing On A Tank Top, And Some Baggy pants I Laid In My Bed. I Laughed And Smiled To Myself Thinking Of How “Shamed” I Felt Of Nothing. It Was Normal Right? So Who Cared . I Closed My Eyes And Fell Into A Light Sleep. I Felt Codie Kiss My Forehead Goodnight, As He Walked Into His Room And Shut The Door Quietly. I Was Awoken In Fear By The Same Nightmare. Codie Dies, And I’m Left To Defend Myself. I Started to Cry As I Sat Up Resting My Head On My Knees. I Sniffed And Took It All in Wiping My Tears. I Got Dressed For School And Walked Out The Door And Down To Class With Codie And Joey. I Walked Into The School Doors And Stopped At My Locker. I Opened It To See All The Couple Pictures Me And Codie Took, One Of Us On The Swings, Us On “Our Hill”, One Of Us Kissing, Another Of Us Cuddling. Then I Seen A Few Of Me And Joey. One Of Us Hugging, One Of Me Licking His Face , One Of Us Comparing Scars, One Of Us Laughing. I smiled at the Sight of Each of There Face’s. I Was Glad I Had Them Both.
Around 2 Weeks Went By. A Great Two Weeks. Me and Joey Went Shopping For Bra’s, And Codie And Me Had Dinner In A Old Fashion Restaurant. I’ve Always Loved the Oldness of Those Places, So Unique and Bright. I Woke Up This Morning In Sweat. I Jumped Out Of Bed And Ran Into The Shower Before Codie Could See Me All Ugly. He Knew I Had Nightmares But I Never Really Told Him About Them. I’ve Only Ever Told Joey. I Washed Up Quick And Fast Avoiding Of Being Late. I Dashed To Get Dressing Whipping My Hair Out Of The Towel And Brushed It Down. I Wore It Out For The Day, And Not Just Because I Lost My Hair Tie. It Was Mine And Codie’s 6 Official Anniversary! I Was Going Out At Lunch To By Him His Cold Chain. It Would Say Allie Bear On The Back Of The Gold Block That Dangled Over The Edge Of It. I Walked Down The Stairs Feeling A little Dizzy. When I Walked Into The Kitchen The Smell Of Eggs Hit Me. I Covered My Mouth And Ran Up Stairs And Began Puking In The Beautiful, Just Cleaned Toilet. I Was Sure It Stopped Until I Began Puling Again. Codie Held Back My Hair As My Guts Ended Up In The Rounded Toilet Bowl. I Felt Sick To My Stomach. I Wiped My Mouth, And Cleaned It With Mouth Wash. Rinse, Rinse Spit, Drink Water. “babe, What’s Wrong? Are You Sick?” Codie Asked Worried. “Im Not Sure, I Don’t Think I Am, Can We Go To A Nurse’s Office, Please I Feel More Sick Than I Ever Have” I Replied In A Die-ing Voice. “Of Corse We Can” He Took My Hand Wan We Walked To His Car. We Drove To A Clinic Wear I Usually Go To See Mrs. Harris, A Great Nurse Who Was A Friend Of my Moms. I Signed In And Smiled As She Welcomed Me Into Her Office. I Asked Codie To Wait In The Waiting Room As I talked To Mrs. Harris. “A Few Questions Darling?” She Implied. I Nodded. “What Is Wrong Exactly” She Asked. “I Woke Up This Morning And Felt Sick to My Stomach, I Was Puking For And Hour And A Half, My Head Was Pounding But When I Got In The Car I Was Starving” I Replied. She Nodded Slowly. “Okay Now, Are You Sexually Active?” She Said. I Nodded. “How Long Ago?” She Asked Right After. “Hmm, About Maybe A Week Ago, Longer I Think” I Said. “Last Period Was When? She Asked. “ Last Month…” I Paused. “Do You Use Protection?” She Quickly Asked Calmly. “No, But I’ve Just Started Birth Control About A Month Ago, Why Is This Necessary” I Asked. “You Have The Signs Of Pregnancy, But Just To Be Sure Please Take This Cup And You Know With It” She Laughed. I Was Shocked By Her Facial Expression. Could I Really Be Pregnant? I Went To The Bathroom Avoiding Codie, I Pee’d, And Brought It Back to The Doctor. I Waited A Half Hour Before She Came In With A Rather Sour Look on Her Pale Face. “You Are Pregnant My Dear, 6 Weeks Along To Be Exact” She Stuttered The Words Noticing My Pain. I Nodding In A Thanks And Walked Out. I Grabbed Codies And Hand. “What She Say?” He Asked. “Its Just The Stomach Flu She Said” I Stammered. “Okay”, He Kissed My Forehead. I Looked Back At The Pregnant Mothers In The Waiting Room. I would be Them In 8 Months, Big, In Pain, Soon Giving Birth. A Tear Ran Down My Cheek, I Quickly Wiped It Was So Codie Wouldn’t Notice And Forced A Smile For The Rest Of The Day. I Couldn’t Tell Him. I Thought For Sure Birth Control Was officiate But There’s Always That 2% Chance, Figures I’m The 2%. I Stumbled My Walk. Codie Found My Sudden Change In Emotion Worrying, So He Laid Me To Bed And Kissed Me Goodnight. If Only He Could Feel My Emotion, If Only He Could Hear My Thoughts. I Cried Myself Till I Was Dripping Wet. I Was Tired From All The Stress. I Decided I Would Tell Joey First. I Opened My Closed Eyes And Texted Joey Rather Quickly “Tomorrow, meet Me At The Tree House I The Woods Down The Street, Its Important Joe I’m Really Scared”. My Phone Started To Ring From Joey Calling. A Tear Fell On My Phone While I Rejected The Call. I Cried Myself To A Very Quick Sleep And Waited Till Morning. What Was I Going To Do? What If I Tell Codie And He Hates Me? I Have Never Been So Scared In My Life. When My Eyes Were Drifting Off I Dreamt The Same Nightmare Three Times, Each Time Waking Up In More Tears Then The One Before. What Was I Going To Do. I’m Not Totally Against Abortion, But I’m Not Sure I Want A Baby, Im 15! And Codie is 16. Im Really Scared and It Doesn’t Help Knowing Codie’s Mom Doesn’t Like Me Much. I Would Be Totally Alone If He Rejected Me On The Off Chance Anyway!. Thoughts Raced Through My Mind As I Got Only Few hours Of Sleep.

When I Awoke In The Morning I Had Almost Forgotten it Was Friday. Another Nightmare, Another Change, Another Death. For The First Time I Seen Myself Die. I Seen Myself Die and Codie Didn’t care. I Couldn’t Believe It, it Killed Me Inside. The Tears Flew Down My Cheeks, As I remembered My Nightmare. I Could Feel My Heart Pounding Like A Kick Drum, It Felt Like My Stomach Was Going To Come Out My Mouth. When I Caught My Breath, I Ran To The Bathroom Covering My Mouth feeling The Urge To Puke Up Everything I Ate The Night Before. I Felt My Hair Get Brushed Back, I Smiled A Quick Smile Still Feeling My Lungs burn, I Was Happy Codie Was Here For Me; But When I Turned There Was No-one There. There They Came. The tears Flowed Down My Face As I Thought, What if I Was Alone? What if I Was Rejected By Codie? I Paused And Began Puking Again. When I Was Finally Finished I Pulled Back My hair Into A Bun, Rinsed My Mouth And Went Into My Room. I Put on Some Tights, Short-Shorts Over Top, And A Tank Top. My Converse Were Knee High And A Head Band Rested Over My Messy Bun. I Walked Down To The Kitchen, But Took A Quick Turn When I Seen Codie. I Grabbed My Bag And Walked Down The Road To School. I Felt The Pain beneath My Chest, Feeling Dizzy. I Grabbed My Blade From My Bag And Slit It Across My Wrist 6 or 7 Times. I Collapsed On The Street Right There Crying The Every Ounce Of Water In My Body. The Birds Were Chirping, The Trees Were Rustling, And My Wrists were bleeding. I Sniffed And Took It In, Got Up And Walked Down The Street A bit More Till I Hit School. I Walked To The Doors And Rolled Down My Sleeves Hiding The Blood Dripping Down My Arm. I Wiped My Eyes And Walked Down The Hall. Codie Still Loved Me, I Still Loved Him More Than Anything In The Whole World, We Were Still Together, I Was Just To Scared of Loosing Him To Tell him Of Our baby. To Tell Him We Were Having A Baby. I Seen Him In the Halls That Day, In Class, At Lunch. I Avoided Him, I Seen How it Broke Him, How He Felt Guilty, But He Did Nothing Wrong. How He Felt It Was His Fault That He Did Something, But It Was Just Me. When It Was finally after school, I Walked Straight To The Woods, Straight To The Tree House And Waited For Joey. It Wasn’t Too Long After A Rustle In The Bushes, And then An Appearance From Him Startled Me. As He Climbed The Step He Sat Beside Me, And My Smudged Eyes Dripping And Intense Amount Of Water. With The Worried Look On His face, He Held Me Close. I thought… This Is the First person I Tell. I Held My Belly And Took In A Deep Breath, Holding It In I Spoke.

Time To Tell Everyone.

I Let out My Breath and Sat There as I Was Drenching Myself and Joey in My Black Colored tears. “Joey, I’m so…I’m So Scared” I Stuttered. He Looked Into My Eyes. Then Down At My Hand On My Belly. He Didn’t Catch On. “Tell me What’s Wrong, Please I Can’t Stand to see you like This” He Sheared A Tear. “I’m Pregnant” I Balled My Eyes. I Cracked, I Cracked Right In front Of Joey And Started To Die From Loss Of Body Water. His Eyes Lit Up In Shock. I Felt Sick To My Stomach, Like I Was Going To Throw Up. Non The Less, I Did. Puking Out The Corner, Joey Holding My Hair Out Of My Face. “Stop, I Don’t Want You To See Me Like This Stop” I Said Between Breaths. “I Don’t Care Allie, you’re my Best friend, Whether you Like It Or Not, When your Sick, And With Me, I’m The Night In Shining Amour” He Rested His Head On My Back. I Held On To the Ledge of the Tree house Window, And When I Re-gained My Insides, I Sat Back down Wiping My Mouth. Joey Looked At Me And Held My Wrist Flipping It Over. “You Can’t Do This Anymore, Your Having A Baby Right?” His Eyes Filled Up. “No Matter What, Im Here For You, Have You Told Codie yet?” He Paused As the Question Sunk Into My Brain. “No, I Haven’t Told Anyone, Just you, Is that Bad?” I Questioned My Approach On this Whole Baby Thing. Was I Doing The Right Thing By Telling Joey First? I Sat There And Let out A Sigh. I Was Relieved That Joey Didn’t Reject Me. I Told Him About What I Thought Codie Would Do… His Response? “Are You Fucking Crazy?, Codie Loves You more Than He Loves His Own Life, He Will Defiantly NOT Reject, Leave, Walk Away, or Run From you Allie, He Just Wont” He Almost Shouted. The Strengthening Of His Voice Scared Me, but I Knew He Was Right. I Didn’t see it Before, But I Should Have known Codie Loved Me, Codie Would Never Run. “I No, I’m Going To Tell Him Right Now” I Nodded. I Took out My Phone, Texted Codie and Told Him to Meet Me and Joey about 10 Minutes into the Woodland Woods. I Received A Text Not Even A Millisecond After I Sent Mine Saying “Ill Be There In Five!” I Could Tell My How Fast It Came, And The ‘!” That he Thought I Was In Danger. It Was About Time I Told Everyone, About Time I Told Everyone… The Truth. When Codie Rushed Between The Trees, I Seen Him In The Distance. He Climbed the Stairs And Kissed Me With Intense Passion. His Cold Lips Pressed Mine As He Wrapped Him Arms Around My Neck Holding Me And Kneeling Beside Me. “what’s Wrong? You Avoided Me Today, Why? Is Everything Okay? Why Do I Smell Puke? Did you Get Sick Again? Babe Tell me What’s Wrong!” He Got Louder. I Could tell He Was Worried For Me. All His Questions. “Codie, I’m Pregnant, Sorry For Avoiding You, Everything Is Not okay, I Did Get Sick Again, And Im Just Really Scared!” Tears Swarmed My Face Again, Lots Of Tears. I Answered All His Questions. “Pregnant?, Really? He Questioned. I Nodded. He Hugged Me Tight And Kissed My Cheek. “I Can’t believe it!, Were Having A Baby???” I Nodded Again. He Smiled. “You’re Not Mad, Your Not Going to Leave Me, Or Run?” I Was Worried All This Time For nothing. He Shook His Head No Quickly. “Of Corse Not!” He yelled. “Told You” Joey Slipped Into The Conversation. I Laughed. I Let Out My Deep Sign In Relief. Thank God I Wasn’t Going Through This Alone. “How Far Along are You? He Asked. “About 6 Weeks, Ish…” I Stuttered. He Kept Telling Me it would be Okay, But I Wasn’t As Scared Anymore, I Would Have Codie, And Not To Mention Joey, I Would Be Set For Whatever We Decide. After talking About The Plans We Had, Figuring Out A Couple Names, We Walked Home To Tell His Mom. We Wanted To Keep It, We Wanted To At Least try To Be Parents. When We All Sat At the Coffee Table, We Told Her Together. She Seemed A little Angry, But A Huge Visible Smile Spread Her Face When We Told Her We Wanted to keep It. This Whole “Telling Everyone” Thing Worked Out Better Than I Would Have Ever Thought. I Was Thinking The Worst When Really the Best Was Happening Right Before My Eyes. The Day Was Still Young, And After Talking For A Good Hour, Codies Mom Agreed For The Wall Separating Mine And Codies Room, to Be Torn Down. One Big Room, A Couples Room. After The Workers Smashed It Down, We Cleaned Up The Mess And By That Time It Was Getting Late. Over The Weekend My Morning Sickness Faded, Me And Codie Bought A Brand New King Size Bed, And Re-Painted the Room. Codies Mom Went All Crazy On Building A Nursery. She Bought A Crib, A Playpen, Diapers, Wipes, Formula, Little Teddy Bears. She Even Bought A Car seat, And A Stroller. She Had Money To Spend And Something To Spend It On. I Was Happy I Told Everyone. I’m Also Happy Were Keeping ‘it”. I Went To Sleep That Night With Codie Holding My Side, Touching His Hand To My Belly And My Hand To His. My Nightmares Are Getting Worse, Gut Retching Worse. They Seem Longer, And More Vivid each One; But life Seems to Be Getting More Real. I Don’t Get Morning Sickness Anymore, That Stage Is Done, But now I’m At The Stage Of “Miss Bitchy”. Just The Other Day I Told Joey To “Fuck Off” When He Started Humming My Favorite Song. It Was My Favorite Song! And I Still said Something Rude. I Feel So Bad, And I No im Doing it I Just Cant Help It. Codie’s Mom Says Its Just Hormones, And That Its Normal, I Just Hate Making Them Upset, I Feel Guilty; But I Was Happy To Be Finding Out The Sex Of The Baby Tomorrow. Codie And Joey were Both Coming With me. I Woke Up that Morning And Got Dressed. I Went Down Stairs For Breakfast, Saturday Breakfasts Were Always So Big, And Delicious. When Me And Codie Got In The Car, Joey Ran Up And Got In Too. Joey Sitting In the Front With Codie, Me In The Back. Joey Reached over And turned On My Favorite Song, Turning The Nob Slowly Afraid Of What id Say, This Time. I Laughed Out Loud As I Sang Along To The Music Blaring From The Car. I Felt A Small Tingle In My Stomach. “STOP THE CAR!!!!!!” I Screamed Aloud As Codie Screeched The Car To A Stop. Both Codie and Joey Turned Back To See Me holding my Belly, Moving around My Hand around in a Circular Motion. I Smiled When I Felt The Baby’s Small, Tiny Kick. I Dragged Both Codie’s And Joey’s Hand To My belly. Codie Laughed, While Joey Started to cry. My Face Went from A Smile to Oddly Questionable Look at Sight Of his tears. “Its So beautiful” Joey Wiped His tears Smiled Hugely. Me And Codie Died Of laughter. He Started Up the Car Again, And We Drove Into The Doctor’s office Park-way. He parked The Car While joey Opened My Door For me. Codie Came Around The Back Of The Car And Took my Hand While Joey Walked Up Ahead And Signed me In. I Was Freaking Out, But I Was Glad I Had My Boyfriend, And My Best friend With me. This Was It. Time To Find Out The Sex Of The baby.

The Baby.

The Doctor Motioned Us into The Room. I Laid Down on The Squishy Dentist Type Bed And Lifted My Shirt Up A bit. The Doctor Rubbed Some Jelly On My belly And Moved a Motion Screener Against, and around it. The Doctor Sighed In Dismay. I looked At the Screen to See nothing There. A tear Fell down My Cheek as I Thought I Lost the Baby; But Soon A Picture Came To The Black And White Screen When He Moved Position. A Ear to Ear Smile Spread My Face and Codie’s. I Started To Cry, And Cry When The Doctor Told us the Sex Was… A Boy. I looked over At Codie’s face And Seen a Tear Fall From his Eye. I Knew Right Then That We Were Going to Be the Best, most Amazing Parents in the World. The Doctor Went On About how The Baby Was Healthy, And Very Energetic. How I Should Beware of The Kicks and Pain He Might bring Me. I Worried My Expression In Vision Of What might Happen. I Held My Stomach. I Lifted My Hand To See Jelly all over it. I Swung Back My Head In Laughter And Codie Just Smirked. When We Left The Office, Codie Drove Into his Parking Lot At Home And Me And Joey Both Walked In. We (Me And Codie) Told His Mom Everything The Doctor Said. It brought Tears to Her Eyes When She Found out the Sex. Codie Wrapped His Arms Around My Waist. As The Months Went By, I Grew Bigger, And Bigger, And Bigger. My Clothes Barley Fit, My Stomach Grew Long And Outwards. But I Didn’t Care. Joey Was There For Me And More importantly Codie Was. Through My Whole Pregnancy I kept Craving for Sex and Food. Codie Refused In Fear Of Hurting The Baby. It Made Me Upset A Few times And I’ve Walked Out To Go Meet Joey For Hours, Leaving Codie To Worry Even More about my Wear Abouts. A Few Times Ive Walked Out From Joey And Codie, Leaving Them To Become Closer Then Ever. We All Grew Together As One, He Was Our Best Friend, Completely. Joey And Codie Teased Me, Laughing At Me From Behind. I Only Glared At There Fail Attempt Of Whispering. One Night I Even Left At 2 In the morning, Scaring Joey Half To Death As I Curled Up Against him Shivering And Drenched I Tears. When I Got Home The Next Morning Cops Were At The House. Joey Walked Back With Me And Codie Laughed At Joey’s Shrugging Shoulders In The Sight Of My Scare. I Knew Never To Leave So Late Again If I Knew What Was Good For Me. Codie Forgave Me That Day, And That Night Cuddled Me Till I Drifted To Sleep. Joey And Him Stayed Up Laughing All Night, So It Was Hard To Get The Little Sleep I Did, But I Faked Leaving Them Thinking I Was Asleep.
It Was A Week Before My Dew Date. I Was Sitting On The Couch Eating Potato Watching TV When I Felt A Wetness Soak My Pants And The New Couch. I Screamed In The Pain That Followed After my ten Minutes of Shock. Codie Ran Sliding And Banging Down the hallway To See What Was Wrong. I Knew Then That The baby was Coming. I Screamed in Pain Louder And Louder. Codie Lifted Me up off The Couch and took me out to the Car as Codie’s Mom Ran out after Us and into the Driver Seat. When We Got Buckled in The pain Stopped For Awhile. She Rushed As Fast As She Could To The Hospital, After A 20 Minute Drive, And 5 Minutes Left More Pain Shot Through Me. Codie Was Crying In Sight Of Me In So Much Pain. He Hated Seeing Me In Pain, He Always Has. When We Hit The Hospital Codies Mom Ran In First Telling The Doctors I Was Having Contractions. I Rushed in With Codie and Was Seated in A Wheel Chair And Rushed Into A Room. I Discussed With My Doctor That I Wanted A Birth With The Drug; but She Said I Was Much Too Far Along For It. I Was Due In Less Then 7 minutes Tops. The Doctors Told Me To Push, As I Screamed And Screamed I Hear The Jumping And Worrying Noises Of Joey Outside The Door. Codie Sitting beside Me Holding My Hand the Whole Time I Pushed Again, And Again, And Again And What Seemed Like Forever Was Only 6 hours Of Labor. A Beautiful Healthy Baby Boy Stretched Through Me As The Doctors Washed Him of, Wrapped him In a Blue Blanket And Handed Him To Codie. I Was Still In A bit Of Pain but It Faded After The Birth. “Any names?” The Doctor Said. Joey Walked Through The Hospital Room With A Smile Just As She Asked. Codie Smiled And looked Up At Me. Noticing Him In The Room. I nodded With A Smile. “Joey” We Both Said looking At The Doctor. Joey’s Face Light Up And His Eyes Popped Out. He Started Crying. “Really? Your Naming Him After Me?” He Smiled Still Crying. I Laughed At His Surprise. I Would Have Thought He Would Guess It But I Guess Not. He Was 7 pounds 7 Ounces. A Perfect baby. After A Few Days, We Went Home With Our Beautiful Baby Boy; Joseph. We settled him In His Nursery. He Fell Asleep Beside His Teddy Codie Wrapped his Arms Around My Still Hurting Waist And Whispered In My Ear “Love you, And I Love Our Baby”. I Turned To Him And Looked In His Eyes. I Wrapped My Arms Around His Neck And Smiled. “I Love you, And I Love Him Too”. And He Kissed Me Gently.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.10.2011

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