--Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but some how feeling warm inside because you're close in heart.

Anonymous

JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED," THE OFFICER asks once again.

I sigh. “I don’t know,” I say. What I really wanted to say was: “My best friend killed herself, I should have known, and I didn’t help her. I knew something had been off about her, but I didn’t pay attention. I’m a horrible friend. Can’t you just let me suffer in peace?” I want to say that, but I know it was better to keep my mouth shut. I don’t want any pity or compassion. I don’t deserve it. So instead of saying that, I just say, “I don’t—I can’t—understand why she killed herself.”

He sighs again, too. He’s a nice officer, but it’s five in the morning, and we all need sleep. He takes a sip of his coffee. “All right. Let’s try something different. Why don’t you just tell me from the beginning? When was the first time you saw Elizabeth Harris?”

“It’s a long story,” I say.

“We have time.”


I REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE DETAIL FROM that day. My mom had been transferred to a new school—she was a teacher—so our family moved to a new town. It was seventy-two degrees, with those poofy white clouds that are scattered all over the sky. The scent of apples lingered faintly in the air. I was wearing new earrings, silver little kittens. And I was the new kid at school. I was also ten.

Like any other new kid, I tried to stay invisible. I tried to look like I knew what I was doing. Obviously, it didn’t work, because that’s how I met you. You told me you saw me walking around in circles, and that I looked like a dog chasing its tail. That’s why you came to me. And that’s why you met me.

“Hey,” you said.

I turned around, and saw the complete opposite of me. You know when you go to a funhouse, the one with all those weird mirrors, and you see yourself, but you don’t look like yourself at all? That’s how it was with you and me. I think I told you once. I’m not sure. I was tall, with olive skin and short brown hair. You were short, with pretty skin color (creamy white, but with rosy cheeks). You also had deep green eyes that seemed too wise and old for just a ten year old. Your hair was red, but not the red carrot type red. Yours was a deep red that matched the color of the freckles lightly scattered over your nose and cheeks.

“Hi,” I said.

“Do you need any help? Because let’s face it, you’re lost,” you said. A smile danced on your lips.

I felt a smile on my lips, too. And I nodded.

That was how I met you, Ellie.


“SO YOU REALLY LIKED ELIZABETH, ER, I mean, Ellie," the officer comments.

“Yeah. She was my best friend.” You have no idea how much I hate to use the past tense, Ellie. Why did you leave me? Tears are threatening to flow.

The officer handed me a Kleenex. “Thanks,” I mutter.

“No problem. So what happened next? Just tell me everything you remember.”


I ALMOST HAD TO LAUGH AT THAT. IF I WERE TO TELL him every single thing about my life after I met you, they’d have to add more hours to the clock. My friendship with you was as easy as breathing, easy as two plus two. Even though we were completely different on the outside, we had a connection even I couldn’t understand. Remember when you called me in the middle of the night, because you said you had a dream about me having a bad dream? You said you wanted to protect me. I told you to go back to sleep, that I was fine, but the truth was that you were right. I did have a nightmare that night, and I was so grateful that you had called me. We were soul twins. Well, I thought we were soul twins. I should have known you were suicidal. I should have seen the signs, but I guess I didn’t want to see them. I was blind.

We were fine for most of our friendship. Remember how we both survived our first boyfriends? Remember how we handled our first fight over a boy? I still can’t believe we flipped a coin. I still have that coin, you know. We did everything together.

And then high school started. And we were still best friends! I had read books and articles and stories and letters on how most childhood friendships didn’t survive during high school. But we beat the odds! That is, until our junior year started. Who changed, Ellie? Was it you or me? Your parents got divorced, but they ended on friendly terms. I got more focused on my studies, and you got more interested on boys, but we were still soul twins. You did meet Sean, though. You told me you fell in love with him. And I was so happy for you! He seemed like the perfect guy, and we had agreed that if he was cool with me and you being stuck like glue, then you would say yes to him. We were both so happy. Weren’t we, Ellie?

It wasn’t until later that I noticed you had changed a lot. You were sad, and the worst thing was, you didn’t tell me what was going on. One time I asked you if you were having problems with Sean, and I remember how you reacted so furiously. I remember that you said over and over again that you and Sean were happy, and that it was me, me, that you were angry with. You said I was smothering you. You told me to leave you alone. It isn’t until now that I noticed that you weren’t reacting furiously. You were just scared of saying the truth.

But stupid, stupid me, I got mad at you. But I was just so offended! You told me I didn’t understand you! How could you ever think that? And then the worst thing for me happened. We didn’t talk anymore at school, remember? I turned my back on you, just like you turned your back on me. I started to sit with Brianna and Julia, and you sat alone, and even though you were still with Sean, and he sat with his friends. You started to get dark circles under your eyes. You started to lose weight. You started to get bruises and scratches on your arms. I asked you about that, because you were wearing a short sleeve shirt, and you said you had fallen off of your stairs. After that, you started to wear long sleeves. You never invited me to places anymore, and I couldn’t ask you to go anywhere either. I didn’t understand what was wrong with you. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with you, Ellie. Not anymore.

Everybody started to notice something was wrong with you. I mean, you weren’t being careful about your appearance. Your other friends, your mom, your dad, even our teachers would ask me what was wrong, and I didn’t know what to say to them.

I felt like I had lost you, Ellie.


“SO YOU KNEW SHE WAS GOING to kill herself," the officer asks after a few seconds.

“No, I didn’t. I just thought she was sad. I even thought one time she was anorexic.” I look up. “Was she?” I ask. Again, I use the past tense on you. How I hate them!

He looks down to his papers. “No, she wasn’t anorexic, we’re sure about that. We’re still trying to get the pieces together, and to do that, we need you to tell us exactly what happened. What happened tonight, Cassandra?”


I WAS AT HOME, DOING MY HOMEWORK.

My friend, Brianna had invited me to the movies, but I just couldn’t go. How could I go to the movies when you were so sad? It seemed as though some of your sadness had rubbed off on me. You were my soul twin, so I just knew you were sad.

I was working on an Algebra problem when the phone rang again. I thought it was Brianna, asking me again to go to the movies with her. I picked up the phone without looking at the caller ID and said, “I told you I couldn’t go to the movies with her. Didn’t I tell you I had to do my stupid homework? It’s Algebra!” I was trying to be in a good mood by joking with her.

“Cass,” someone said on the other end of the line. But it wasn’t just someone. It was you, Ellie.

“Ellie? What’s wrong? What is it?” You hadn’t called me in a long time, and you were crying, so I knew something was wrong with you.

“Can you come to my house? I need you, Cassie.”

My reaction was instant. You needed me. I needed to go with you. “I’m on my way,” I said.

It was eleven-thirty, and it was past my curfew, so when I put on my jacket, and opened my door, my mother showed up.

“For God’s sake! You know what time it is, don’t you? Where are you going?” she asked.

“Mom. It’s Ellie. She called me.

She said she needed me.”

My mom jumped a little. I had told her everything that had happened between us, so she didn’t need more than a few sentences to understand.

“She called you? Is she okay?” She seemed serious.

“I know she’s not okay. She called me to go over to her house. She might actually talk to me and tell me everything that’s been going on with her.”

She nodded. “All right. Do you need a ride?”

When I got out of my mom’s car and rang the door, it was your mom who opened it. I could tell that she tried to keep a calm façade, but when she saw me, she broke.

“She’s upstairs. Please, please

find out what’s wrong with her.”

I climbed up the stairs and knocked on your door. I could almost hear you jumping off your bed and go to the door. When you opened it, it wasn’t you who opened it. This red-eyed stranger wasn’t you. Her clothes limped off her shoulders, and there were bruises everywhere. You hugged me tightly, saying over and over again, “I need you, I need you.”

I took you to your bed, and I remember telling you that I was there with you, and I remember telling you that I needed you, too. I remember you crying harder after that. I remember you telling me to spend the night with you, that you were so lonely you could barely breathe. I remember I said yes.

I climbed into bed with you, and I hugged you. You were just so miserable, and I couldn’t stand it. You were still my best friend.

You were crying for who knows how many hours. Or maybe it was minutes. Maybe it was seconds. I remember you telling me something that I’ll always remember: “I love you, Cassie. And I’m so sorry. You’ve always been there for me, even when I wasn’t.”

“Don’t be stupid, Ellie. You’ve always been there for me, too. You’ve just had a rough time, Everything’s gonna be all right.”

“It sure is,” you said.

We were silent for a few minutes. Then, in the best way I could, I asked you if you could tell me what had happened. You said, “Not tonight. Now that I’m not alone, I can actually rest in peace.” You let out a long sigh.

I saw you fall asleep, and then I closed my eyes. And before I fell asleep, you said, “Bye. And don’t you dare forget me…”

I woke up later, and I realized that I was with you. I wanted to wake you up, to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, but I saw your face, and it was smiling. You were so peaceful.

I also noticed you weren’t breathing.

You were stiff.

Something was wrong.

“Ellie,” I whispered. No answer.

“Ellie,” I said. No answer.

“Ellie,” I said louder. Tears started to flow. No answer.

“Ellie,” I sobbed. And still no answer.

I don’t really remember what happened next, only that I was clinging to you to hard, I had lost feeling on my fingers. You had already let go, and now I was the one who didn’t want to. I didn’t want to lose you, Ellie. The EMT gave me something to make me feel better, but nothing could make me feel better, nothing could make me feel whole again. You were my other half, my diary, my sister, and now you were gone.


THE OFFICER WHO WAS WITH ME told me what really happened to you, Ellie. Sean was abusing you, wasn’t he? You loved him, and you didn’t want to lose him, but he was treating you like you were nothing. You told him that night that you didn’t want to be with him anymore, and he beat you up. But even though you were messed up on the outside and on the inside, you felt happy. That’s why you were smiling when I woke up.

Later, when the officer asked me if I understood why you killed yourself, I said yes. I understood why you didn’t want to be in this world anymore. I understood everything. But that didn’t mean I agreed with what you did.

“Why did you leave me?”

That’s the question that haunts me every night before I close my eyes now. That’s the question that wakes me up every day. And with that question comes the face—your face. I whisper it every night, hoping I would get an answer. But hoping doesn’t work. Hope is just a tool to help your heart survive the pain. Hope’s not real, it’s just a fantasy that your heart keeps stubbornly close, to protect itself. Hope’s just a lie. I keep telling myself that every day. So why am I still hoping you’ll come back?

Why did you leave me?

I know you’re watching me now, as I stare at the picture of me and you. I know you’re yelling at me not to do it. But it’s not fair. Why do you have to leave me? All I know is that when I’m finished with this, I’ll see you again. So when I take the sleeping pills, one by one, until the bottle is empty, I know you’ll be the one welcoming me into your heaven.

I can feel myself fading away. I can feel my fingers die. One by one, all of my muscles start to die. My feet, my legs, my hands, my arms, my shoulders, my neck. The only thing that’s still alive is my ears, and the last thing I hear is your voice singing me a lullaby…

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 02.05.2010

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