Chapter one: New School year

Secret:

 

“Hello everyone. I am really excited to be teaching you all. I hope we can all get along this year and I want to know some things about all of you so we can get to know each other a little better. Everyone come sit on the floor.” He smiled. “Raise your hand and when I pick you, please stand and tell us your name, age and some things about yourself. I’ll go first. My name is Miguel Rodriguez but you all can call me Mr. Rodriguez.” He laughed.

 

Some of the kids giggled with him.

 

“I was born in Mexico but I moved here to America when I was five years old. I am thirty now. I love art and after I leave here, I go to my art studio and paint. And um…that’s it. Is there anyone else who wants to go next?” he asked.

 

Immediately most of the kids in the room raised their hands. He called on them one at a time. I remember some of their faces from last year. One boy, named Jason, said he was nine and had four other brothers and one sister. He helps his mom out a lot because he is the oldest. Another girl raised her hand and said that she was 10 and that she lives with her grandparents but her parents visit her often. There was another girl who raised her hand. When Mr. Rodriguez picked her, she stood up and announced her name real proud. I didn’t like her because she always picked on me. She was a real… snob. Her name was Erica.

 

“Has everyone gone?” Mr. Rodriguez asked.

 

Everyone had said yes.

 

All of a sudden, Ms. Big mouth yelled out, “No, she hasn’t gone yet! She’s in the back hiding her face. She thinks she’s slick!”

 

“Ok Erica, calm down honey. Alright miss…you haven’t gone yet. Can you please tell us something about yourself?” Mr. Rodriguez asked.

 

“I don’t want to.” I said simply.

 

“Oh come on, Please?”

 

I stood up and took a deep breath and let it out slowly before I said “My name is Secret Stone.” Then I sat down like I had just given a 30 minute speech. It was quiet for a few seconds.

 

Then Erica asked “That’s it? Your just gonna say your name?”

 

Everyone started to laugh.

 

“Aren’t there more things we should know?” Mr. Rodriguez giggled.

 

“No.” I said. 

 

“How about you explain why you always wear those sweaters.” Erica shot out.

 

“I’m cold.” I retorted.

 

“All the time? Seriously, it’s like 89 degrees outside!” She shot back.

 

All the kids started to laugh again.

 

“How bout you mind your damn business and don’t worry about me. When I find your name on my birth certificate, then you’ll have the privilege to question me and what I wear.”

 

“Oooh she cursed!” Erica yelled out.

 

“Girls...Please let’s not make the first day a bad one.” He scolded.

 

“Sorry Mr. Rodriguez.” Erica said sweetly.

 

I can’t stand her. She’s such a kiss ass.

 

“It’s alright honey.” He smiled back.

 

He looked over at me, I guess waiting for my apology next. If this dude thinks I’m going to say sorry, he’s gonna be waiting till the end of time. Soon everyone else started looking at me. I’m not saying sorry because of what just happened. She should just mind her business. After a few seconds, Mr. Rodriguez just turned around. When he turned back around, he looked at me again. Then he looked at everyone else.

 

“We can play some games. If there is a game that you don’t want to play, you can sit in the back...any suggestions?” He asked.

 

Some kid said we should play “Heads, up seven up” while someone else suggested “Simon says”. There was a bunch of stuff they were playing. I sat in the back the whole time. I was the only one who didn’t want to play anything. At some point, during the games, Mr. Rodriguez would look over at me for a few seconds and then back to the games.

 

I just looked down or away every time. I don’t like making eye contact. They played until it was time for lunch. I didn’t eat. Mr. Rodriguez and the rest of the teachers sat at a big table in the back that over looked the lunchroom. He looked at me again. Then back to the teachers.

 

“So Mr. Rodriguez how’s your class?” Ms. Marie asked.

 

She was so pretty. To him, she is gorgeous. I can tell by the way they talk to each other and the way he acts a little nervous around her.

 

“Oh um…they’re…they’re great… good group of kids.” He replied.

 

“Oh yes. They’re all little angels aren’t they? Each of them so full of energy and innocence, they’re just adorable.” She laughed.

 

“Yea, they are. Looks like I’ve got myself a shy one though, might have some problems this year with that one. She doesn’t really like to participate.” He giggled nodding towards my direction.

 

I catch him looking at me all the time. I didn’t really mind it though because what he didn’t know is that when he isn’t looking, I’m looking at him too. Guess we’re just gonna be looking at each other. Some point during the lunch period, we caught each other’s stares and focused on one another for a few seconds. After lunch we went out for recess. I stood by the grass by myself. I waited to see if someone would come and talk or play with me, but no one did. They all would walk past and stare at me like I had just shot someone. They all decided to play red rover. Since I was the only one who wasn’t invited to play, I sat under a tree that was a little far from the playground. Mr. Rodriguez came over and sat next to me.

 

“Hi.” He said. I didn’t say anything. I heard him but I didn’t realize he was there. I was in a daze. “Hi.” He repeated. This time I heard him, but I still didn't respond.

 

“Ignoring me huh?” he giggled.

 

Still, I said nothing.

 

“Secret, right?” He asked.

 

After a couple seconds, I responded, “Yea.”

 

“Well Secret…what’s up with you? Are you OK? You haven’t really been participating today.” He asked.

 

“I’m OK.” I answered slightly squinting my eyes from the sun before looking down at my feet.

 

“Are you sure?” He asked again.

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Aren’t you hot in that sweater?” 

 

He really does ask a lot of questions.

 

“No.” I answered blankly.

 

“You really don’t talk much, do you?” 

 

 “I think a lot, but I don’t talk much. Talking gets you into trouble.” I told him After a few quiet seconds.

 

“Oh no, it’s how you say things that get you into trouble.” He explained.

 

“Well I say a lot of things…and in a lot of ways. It’s best if I just don’t talk.” 

 

“Oh…is that why you believe you shouldn't talk?" He asked.

 

"No, my best friend used to tell me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all…I like to speak my mind freely.” I retorted.

 

“Used to? Did she move away?” He asked politely.

 

I just looked at him blankly.

 

 

“Hey…I’m just trying to get to know you. Sorry if I seem nosy. You’re just, really---”

 

 

“Strange.” I finished for him.

 

 

“...No...It’s just that I find you…interesting, that’s all.” He said sheepishly.

 

“Because I’m strange. It’s ok, I know I am.” I admitted.

 

“No, really…I do find you interesting. You’re not strange at all. You remind me of myself when I was little.” He explained.

 

I said nothing and neither did he for a few minutes.

 

“Well Secret, It was nice getting to know you. I’m glad I did.” He smiled as he stood up to leave.

 

“Sweaters.” I said after a few seconds.

 

He stopped walking and turned around to look at me. I didn’t look at him though, instead I stared straight ahead. “Pardon?” He asked confused.

 

“Sweaters, that’s what people call me. You can call me that too…if you want.” I offered.

 

“Ok, but I prefer to call you by your first name…if you don’t mind” He giggled.

 

I looked at him, then looked ahead. “Fine, whatever floats your boat, man.”

 

He turned and smiled at me before walking away.

 

 Fourth week of school:

 

I guess I’m walking today. Daniel didn’t get up this morning to take me to school. But then again, when does he ever. He came home late last night, as always. I got out of bed and washed up for school. I brushed my teeth and made myself a piece of toast before I got dressed. I Put on my light pink fuzzy sweater and some blue jeans with the knees cut out. I’m glad Daniel went straight to bed last night instead of coming to talk to me about nothing like he usually does. He seemed drunk and probably won’t go to work today. I grabbed my book bag and headed for the door.

 

It was 7:45 A.M. and school started at 8. and it was about 7 blocks away and Daniel didn’t sign me up for a bus this year or last year. I knew I was going to be late but I wasn’t about to rush there. I could care less if I got there on time or not. I only go so I don’t have to be at home. On the way to school I stopped by the Golden China Restaurant and bought 5 fortune cookies.

 

Then I went by the liquor store and got a bunch of penny candy, both with the coins I find in-between the couch and on the floors. I continued my walk to school in no rush at all. When I got there it was 9:00 and I didn’t know that until I went to the office for a tardy slip. The lady at the desk told me that since it’s the first couple weeks of school, all tardies wouldn’t count. But next week they would and that I need to start being here on time. I walked around until I found my classroom.

 

I opened the door and walked in. The class stopped whatever they were doing. The room fell silent as they watched me come in and sit down.

 

“Good morning Secret.” Mr. Rodriguez said politely as he slyly looked at the clock on the wall.

 

I looked at him and said “Hey.”

 

“Oh, Hey Sweaters.” Erica said mockingly.

 

The class started to laugh. I didn’t say anything.

 

“Erica…” Mr. Rodriguez said sternly.

 

She looked at him then at me and said sorry but I still said nothing. I looked down as the room grew quiet.

 

“Alright everyone, continue what you were doing. Secret, come here please.” He said.

 

He handed me a white sheet of paper that had 4 boxes folded onto it and pointed to a table that had crayons, markers and pencils.

 

“Today we are just writing or drawing 4 things that make us happy, or something that we like to do a lot. Anything you want. Then on the back, you do the same thing but instead write or draw what you don’t like.” He explained.

 

“Ok.” I said as I took the paper carelessly and walked away.

 

Most of the kids were working in groups. I sat in a corner away from all of them. Again, Mr. Rodriguez looked at me. This time for a few good minutes like he was studying me for and experiment or something. Then he snapped out of it and just watched the other kids work.

 

In my first box, I drew a pencil, crayon, eraser and paper and wrote “Art” at the top. My next box, I drew my best friend, Carlos. My third box I tried to draw a few fortune cookies and pieces of candy. Drawing the cookies was a little tough. And in my final box, I drew a man and a woman but I put question marks where they’re faces are supposed to be. On the back, I drew another man with an angry face, but instead I put the question mark where his heart is supposed to be. The second box I drew that freckled face brat, Erica.

 

The third one, I drew a pair of eyes and wrote “Eye contact.” on top. And my last box, I drew a sweater. We worked until it was time for lunch. In the cafeteria I sat at a table by myself that was in the corner. It was a few feet away from the teachers. Erica and her group of “friends” sat next to my table. They all started to look at me and whisper to each other. I took the bag of fortune cookies and candy out and dumped them out on the table.

 

I started to choose what I wanted to eat first. I picked up a fortune cookie and ate it piece by piece as I read the fortune; “You will travel far and wide, for pleasure and business, lucky # 10,6,33,28,19,34. Learn Chinese: Each, Mei.” I love these things, they give me hope. I collect them and keep them in a shoe box at home.

 

I felt something lightly hit the back of my head. Erica and her minions were throwing things at me. I ignored it and ate some candy. Mr. Rodriguez walked over and greeted them and they all talked for a few minutes. Then he came and said hi to me. “Hi.” I said back dryly. He took a sip from his water bottle and looked at the table confused.

 

“Is that your lunch?” He asked while giggling a little bit.

 

“Sure, why not.” 

 

“That’s not lunch.” He laughed.

 

“Anything you eat in the afternoon is lunch.” I explained. “As well as breakfast and dinner.”

 

“Really?” he laughed.

 

I looked at him with a serious face. “Yes. Don’t people eat pancakes and crap at lunchtime? What you call that…brunch or something?” He started to laugh.

 

“Yes…it’s called brunch. You’re funny.” He said still laughing.

 

I guess Erica and her friends heard him because they were quiet and giving me dirty looks. I didn’t say anything. I just looked at him. I didn’t know how to respond to his compliment. I was never really taught manners. Saying thank you was kind of hard for me to do. I opened my mouth and tried to say it…but I just couldn’t, nothing came out but a small sound.

 

“Huh?” He asked me confused.

 

He looked me straight in my eyes. I wanted to look away but his eyes were very pretty! I never really paid attention to his face…or him for that matter. He had long lashes. And his hair was a pretty jet black color and it was long and Kinda wavy .

 

His chest was a little buff, looks like he works out or something but not too much. His voice was very sweet and comforting. His accent was somewhat persuasive; like he could make you do anything, not me though. Wait, he's my teacher! Let me stop right here.

 

“Um…I…I gotta pee...be right back.” I said as I hurriedly got up and ran to the bathroom.

 

Mr. Rodriguez just sat there looking confused. Ms. Marie walked over to him and they started talking. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I tried to fix my hair. It was long as well. Not silky and shiny like his, but just about the same length. I had it in a ponytail with a bang. My mom has long hair too. I don’t know if she’s mixed with something. She acts and looks black but she looks like she has something else in her too. She was pretty. Sometimes I wish I could see her again. I haven’t seen her in years.

 

I don’t even remember what she looks like. She said she would come back for me soon…or at least that’s what she told me in my dreams. Either way, I haven’t seen her yet. I kept looking in the mirror thinking about her. I wondered where she could be…or if she’s even alive. Does she think about me? Probably not, the only thing I have of her is her heart shaped locket with my baby picture in it…but why’d she leave it?

 

As I adjusted my sweater and turned to leave, Erica and her two minions came in. I can tell by the grimace of her face that she wasn’t happy, like I cared.

 

“Hey freak, get out the mirror before you break it.”

 

 The two girls behind her started to laugh. Their names were Gabrielle and Tasha.

 

“Good one Erica.” Tasha applauded.

 

“Move.” I said as I headed to the door. Eric rushed past and blocked me.

 

“Make us move!” She yelled.

 

I took a deep breath and tried hard to keep myself from slappin the orange out of this chick's hair.

 

“Move…please.” I repeated.

 

“The correct phrase is excuse me.” Gabrielle said trying to sound important.

 

“Well then excuse me.” I retorted.

 

“You’re such a freak and you know it. I bet your mom knows it too.” Erica said as she moved away from the door and towards the mirror to fix her hair.

 

“That’s why she left you.” said Gabrielle.

 

Did she just really?

 

“Bitch…you got one more time to let my mama’s name come out your mouth. Now excuse me!” I yelled.

 

I started to walk out but they stopped me and kept talking smack.

 

“Who are you calling a bitch?” Erica asked. “I’m telling.”

 

“Man I don’t care. In fact, you can record me saying it and I'll take it to the police station my damn self. Now get the hell out my face and move.” I retorted.

 

“You’re gonna wish you had never said that, freak.” Tasha explained.

 

“And one day, you’re gonna wish you were never rude to people. Because everything you say to people affects them, and I hope God has mercy on you on judgment day.” I explained “Drink lots of fluids. You’ll need it for where you’re going.” I smiled.

 

They got quiet real fast, and with that I walked out and went back to my table. I sat next to Mr. Rodriguez.

 

“You look upset, you alright?” He asked.

 

“I’m ok.” I replied as I looked down.

 

He kept watching my face then looked up when he saw Erica and her minions come and grab their trays and leave. They had disturbed looks on their faces. Good. Then he looked back at me.

 

“You dislike each other?”

 

“Very much.”

 

“Were you friends before?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh…how come you’re not friends anymore?”

 

I just looked at him quickly and looked back down.

 

“I don’t know.” I said getting a little defensive.

 

“My mama once told me that your friends now…won’t be your friends in the future. I had a situation like that.” he explained. “The most important person in the world to you is in your life for a minute but one day can suddenly vanish in a second...it’s that easy.”

 

I thought his words were very true. “Agreed.” I replied. I thought about my mom for a quick second.

 

He giggled. “You know, you are very smart for your age.” I looked at him. “I mean your point of view. The way you see things is advanced for your age. You really do think a lot.” He said smiling.

 

“Th…thank you.” I said struggling to get it out.

 

He looked at me with a soft gaze and said “Your welcome sweetie.”

 

The bell rung, it was time for recess but instead, we had a behavioral assembly in the gym. They discussed stuff about tardies and other things that I tuned out. I even found myself nodding a little bit. Finally, it was time to go back to our classrooms. Mr. Rodriguez took us to the bathroom first before we headed back to class.

 

When we went in we all just kept working on what he assigned us. I went to my corner to finish my work. Ms. Marie came by and knocked on the door. When he asked one of the kids to open the door, he nearly fell out of his chair as he jumped up quickly to greet her. I guess she’s that pretty to get injured over. They talked for a few minutes, obviously flirting, and then she left. Both of them had big smiles on their faces. I laughed to myself. He walked over to me.

 

“Hey, you doin alright?” he smiled as he sat next to me.

 

“I’m fine….and you?” I smirked.

 

“What?” he smiled.

 

“Nothing.” I said anonymously.

 

He just slyly smiled because he knew what I was talking about.

 

“She’s a good friend of mine.” He said.

 

“Oh, yea...real good I bet.” I responded. He laughed.

 

“Well anyways what are you up to? You done yet?” He took my paper and asked which side was which. I told him the side that said Art is the side with things I like. His smile started to fade as he examined my work.

 

“You draw very well for your age.” I didn’t say anything. “We’re supposed to share these in class today. Do you want to share with me or to the class?”

 

“Neither.” 

 

He said nothing but instead just looked at me like he was examining me again.

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don’t know. I don't like sharing.”

 

“Please, tell me then…at least.” He begged. He seemed like he really wanted to know. “I love art too.” he smiled happily.

 

It was silent for a minute as he continued to look at my paper.

 

“Can I see your studio?” I asked suddenly, a little embarrassed. He looked at me with a surprised look.

 

“Well sure, of course you can!” He grinned like that cat off of Alice in Wonderland. "Who's this? He asked pointing to my picture.

 

 “That’s my best friend, Carlos.”

 

“Oh, where is he now?”

 

“He’s dead.” I answered softly.

 

“Lo siento…oh I’m sorry, that means...um...I’m sorry.” He explained.

 

“I know what it means, and don’t be sorry, I’m glad he’s dead.” I replied.

 

Mr. Rodriguez snapped his head up quickly and looked at me in confusion. I said nothing. I pointed to the next picture.

 

“I like fortune cookies and candy. I love the fortunes in them…I have a shoe box full---.” He cut me off. He didn’t say anything he, just had his finger in the air.

 

“Did...did you…just say that you’re glad that your best friend is dead?” He asked in shock.

 

I started to crack a smile because of the way he asked the question with his accent. But I didn’t think that was appropriate for the question he was asking…which made it even funnier, so I started laughing. He stared at me hard like he was scared to death and was about to pee on himself and I just kept laughing. I stopped when I noticed the other kids looking at me. I didn’t like that.

 

I stopped laughing quickly and cleared my throat.

 

“Yea…but I can’t tell you why.” He snapped out of his examining gaze and asked

 

“How come?” he asked very hesitantly.

 

“Just can’t. Now as I was saying, I have a shoe box of these fortunes. I’m starting a new one at home. Sometimes Mr. Ming gives me some for free, I like reading them.” I explained.

 

He stayed quiet and just gazed at me. I made no contact. I kept my eyes on the paper. He snapped out of it again.

 

“What’s this one, with the people here?”

 

“That, ain’t nothing.” I said.

 

“First of all, ain’t isn’t a word. Second, it’s “that's nothing or that isn't anything” And third, if it’s nothing, why did you draw it on the paper?”

 

 I didn’t say a word. He was waiting for an answer. He wasn’t getting one though. We both were silent at the moment.

 

“I don’t want to talk about that.” I finally said.

 

“Ok...” he said as he turned the paper over.

 

He looked at it and asked me who the girl in the second box was. I was more than happy to tell him.

 

“That's Erica.” I said proudly with a smirk on my face.

 

“Oh, baby that’s not nice.” He said in disapproval.

 

“No, she’s not nice.” I retorted.

 

He looked at the paper again and then he looked at me. Here he goes again with that look again. It’s like he’s looking for something. I didn’t mind it though, as long as we weren’t making direct eye contact, I’m cool.

 

“You done here?” he asked.

 

“Yea.”

 

“Alright…well um you can sit around and talk or whatever.” he said standing up and dusting off his clothes.

 

“I’m goin to sleep then.” I replied.

 

“You don't wanna play with the other kids? He asked.

 

“No, I’m good.” I responded. I took my extra sweater out my bag and used it as a pillow and went to sleep till it was time to go home.

 

When I got home, the house was trashed and Daniel was nowhere to be found. I started to clean back up and waited till he came home. He didn’t. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him but I’m used to it, he does this often. One time he left me for at least a whole month. I’m glad I keep a secret stash of food in my room under the floor boards.

 

I always knew it would come in handy, but I have to keep it hidden or he’d probably take it. I’m glad I can cook a little bit too, simple stuff, or I would have been assed out. It feels cool to live by myself. Where no one can hurt me or watch me be hurt. But people are suspicious, like our nosey neighbor Mrs. Jenkins. She lives in 3B and we live in 3A and I need more clothes for when winter comes.

 

One day Daniel finally came home. But he had this woman with him. He was dressed real nice and so was she. She looked like she had money so of course Daniel needed to play his part. That’s how he did girls. He’d pretend to be something he’s not, have me play along until he wiped their bank accounts. Then out to the streets they go. I feel bad for them, but mostly I feel bad for Daniel. Seems like he actually likes this one I think.

 

I don't understand him. It's like he seems to care about me or anything for that matter, but then again, he acts like he doesn’t. On some days, he buys me stuff and tells me I’m a good girl, that’s if I do what he says. Then on other days...he's just not that good person I thought he was. I think that's why my mom left...but why'd she leave me? That question burns me at the core and makes me mad at her like hell. I don’t know how I feel about it.

Chapter Two: Too Cold

Secret:

 

When I met the lady, she didn’t seem pleasant at all. Daniel made me introduce myself.

 

“Hi…my name’s Se---.” She interrupted me.

 

“Danny….you didn’t tell me you had a kid.” She said kind of disappointed.

 

“She isn’t mine. She--.” She cut him off as well.

 

“Well then why is she here?” she asked ignorantly.

 

I don’t like this bitch already and it’s only been five minutes. “I…I just take care of her.” He replied. “Why?” she asked.

 

“I…don’t know, I just do.” he replied as he looked down.

 

She didn’t say anything, she just stared at me. I looked away though.

 

“She’s a good girl though…she won’t cause no trouble…right Secret?” he asked. Daniel knew how I was. He knew if I had a chance I would curse the tramp clean out. I just looked at him. “Right?” He said sternly.

 

“Yea...no trouble.” I replied.

 

“Now, Miss Divine will be stayin with us for a while.” He said.

 

I looked at him like he just spoke a different language.

 

“Don’t look at me like that. She gon be a good house guest and you gon respect her, understand?” he explained.

 

“Yea.” I said flatly.

 

“That’s yes sir. While I’m here, you’re going to learn some manners.” Miss Divine said. I said nothing.

 

“Secret, go in your room, we need to talk.” Daniel said.

 

I went in and sat on the bed. Daniel came in and stood in front of me. “Aye, don’t start no shit. I really like this one this time and if you blow it for me, you gon regret it, got it?” he explained.

 

I said nothing so, he grabbed me by my arm.

 

“Secret, don’t fuckin play with me! Now I asked you a question, do you understand me?”

 

“Yes!” I said quickly. Now I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not scared of this maniac, this dude’s crazy as hell.

 

He released me by throwing me on the floor. I almost hit my head on the bed rail. Still hurts either way.

 

“Don’t come out unless I tell you.” he said angrily as he walked out and slammed the door.

 

I sat in there for most of the day. I had to pee really bad. I heard some of their conversation from my room.

 

“Is she eating with us?” The Devil said. That’s what I call her, cuz there ain’t nothing divine about that woman.

 

“She?” he asked confused.

 

“The kid in the room.”

 

“Um…I don’t…you want her to?”

 

“Sure…I would love to get to know the kid. Lay down some rules, if that’s ok.”

 

“Its fine…” I can tell he wasn’t really comfortable with the idea by the way he replied to her.

 

He came in and stood by the doorway. I got up and went to the bathroom. When I came out, they both were sitting at the table already.

 

“Come sit down.” Devil said.

 

I sat down across from her and Daniel was on the end. I looked at the plate of food.

 

“It’s meatloaf, cabbage, and mashed potatoes with gravy.” She said with a phony smile.

 

“It looks very delicious.” Daniel smiled. Delicious? That’s a big word for him. Looks like shit to me.

 

“Right Secret?” he asked me.

 

“Yes.” I said flatly.

 

“Yes what?” she asked trying to correct me. “

 

Yes Daniel, this meal looks very delicious.” I said sarcastically.

 

She looked at me with a disgusted face. I didn’t give a fuck.

 

“Well, let’s enjoy the meal you prepared.” Daniel said trying to fix the mood. He glanced over at me and gave me a hard stare.

 

“You’re not eating.” She said. I didn’t know if it was a question or a statement.

 

“I’m not really hungry.” I told her. And this looks like shit, I wanted to add.

 

“We don’t waste food.” She said. “I can eat it later.” I retorted.

 

“Watch your tone.” Daniel cut in. I just looked at him.

 

“Little girl, let me give you some rules here.” She said folding her hands.

 

“First, watch that attitude of yours. Second, when we instruct you to do something, you do it. Got it?” she explained. I didn’t say a word.

 

“Secret, she’s talking to you.” Daniel said sternly.

 

I still said nothing. He got up from the table and secretly grabbed me by my ponytail and threw me in the room.

 

“Now you get nothing to eat!” He yelled silently. I secretly laughed at how fuckin stupid he was. “Keep on. Your silence gon jeopardize your very existence!” He whispered. His threat sent chills down my spine…because I believed him. I went to the door and it was locked.

 

I couldn't get out unless someone unlocked it from the outside. He had the door made that way because when I was smaller I would wander the house when he was asleep and try to leave the apartment. I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich with some miracle whip. I got a roll of paper towels and a big bag of chips from my closet and dumped a few chips onto the paper towel. I had a nice meal. Today was Friday. Winter is finally here and it’s freezing. They left me in that room all weekend. I used the bathroom in some empty water bottles. On Sunday night I heard them talking about me, but I couldn’t understand most of it because they had the radio on.

 

“You need to move.” I heard her say. “This apartment is crappy and will never work for me. Look Danny…we’ve been seeing each other for a while now…and I think we need to step it up a notch. I mean marriage; I’m not getting any younger.

 

"I agree with you but, baby…I just can’t leave. I got a job, I go to rehab every once in a while and I gotta take care of her.” He explained.

 

“Are you kidding me Daniel? I have money, we could move into a house away from here. Find you a better job, better rehab center and you don’t have to take care of her anymore. How did you get stuck with her anyways?” she asked.

 

“Her mama left and didn’t take her with her. I use her as my own little slave sometimes. I know I treat her wrong, but I can’t help it, certain things she does just irritate the hell out of me. Like when she stays quiet when you say sum to her, or when she looks at people in certain ways. Just like her damn mama, and me drinking don’t help at all.” He explained.

 

“Well …why do you put up with her?” she asked.

 

“Because….where she gon go? I can’t just leave her on the streets. She’s a little girl still. Plus, why waste her when I can have my own lil maid. You see the house stays clean right?”

 

He answered. That dirty bastard.

 

“How old?” she asked really surprised.

 

“I don’t know, I don’t really remember her last birthday…I don’t even know her birthday. I know she around 9, 10 or maybe 11. I don’t know.” He said.

 

“Well, I don’t like her at all. She already has a little attitude, if we do keep her as our maid, she could get rebellious as she gets older and not do what we tell her. Then we’ll have a problem, I say we get rid of her.” She said.

 

“…Well how then?” he asked.

 

“Beat her some more, I know you already do.” She said almost giggling.

 

“In fact…I have a better idea…” she said. I couldn’t hear them anymore. I think they started to whisper because a few minutes later I heard him yell out

 

“Hell naw!” “What do you mean no!?” she yelled back.

 

“You don’t care about her, and she can’t go anywhere else! It worked for my parents. And it’s the beginning of winter, a perfect time for it!” she yelled while whispering.

 

“Man…I can’t do that! She’s a little girl, I know she a brat but she don’t deserve that…not at all!” he yelled in a whisper. “…and you…you did that to your own parents? Why?” he asked in shock.

 

“Because Daniel, I needed things. I read their wills. They've got the green and they gave everything to my sister and me. But we just couldn’t wait. They were too healthy. It had to be done so…we did it.” You can hear the pride in her voice.

 

“Besides…you don’t care about her do you?” she asked in disbelief.

 

“I mean...I …I don’t know. I’ve been around her since she was a born. She even got my last name; I just had her since she was five. That's when her mama left.” He explained.

 

“Look, how bout…I just find her somewhere else to go?” he asked. It was quiet for a moment.

 

“Fine, but you have till the morning, starting now. If you don’t find someone else to take her then we do it my way, understand?” she asked.

 

“Morning? That's not enough time Sheila! You really want this don’t you? You crazy...” He said in his pissed off voice.

 

“Crazy and all yours baby” she said seductively. I heard a kiss sound as I had my ear against the door.

 

“Fine.” I finally heard him say.

 

Still listening, I heard the front door open and radio go down a little. I heard a distant knock at the door and Mrs. Jenkins voice.

 

“Aye, what the hell you want Daniel? It’s almost 11:00 pm and you knockin like you the damn police.” She told him.

 

“Um…look Mrs. Jenkins…my girl and I are moving soon and…Secret needs a place to live because she can’t come with us and---.” He was cut off.

 

“Aww hell naw! I think she a real sweetie pie and all but I ain’t bouts to raise no mo babies in here! I’m damned near seventy years old. I ain’ts raisin no mo chilren in this house! Shoot, I can barely raise my self!” she retorted. “And why she can’t go with you...? Aw I see, yo new woman don’t like kids huh? Aw well that’s too damn bad! You ain’t bout to dump ya child on me, shit. Get the hell outta here with that!” she said as she closed the door.

 

“But Mrs. Jenkins…” his words faded. He came back inside and didn’t close the door yet.

 

“Old drunk bastard….where ha mama at anyways…?” we all heard her through her door.

 

Daniel finally slammed the door shut afterwards. “I don’t know who else to ask. I don’t have family around and neither does her mama.” He said defeated.

 

“So…that means you give up then?” she asked excitedly. It was quiet for a moment.

 

“Yes” he finally said. I just wish I knew what they were talking about.

 

“Great. Well I’m going to the liquor store for some things for breakfast.” She said. “Be right Back.”

 

“Alright.”

 

After she left I heard him come towards my room. I quickly jumped in my bed and pretended to be asleep. He unlocked, opened, and stood by the door.

 

I think he was thinking. There’s a surprise. He slowly walked to my bed and got to his knees. Then he stroked my hair and kissed me on my forehead…like a daddy would do. Next he placed the golden brown teddy bear under my arm that he got me a while ago and pulled the covers up over my shoulders and tucked me in. He stroked my hair again and got up and walked out of the room. It felt weird when he showed “love”. It was really unexpected. That’s why I never understood him. It’s like he’s bipolar or something. Some days I think he hates me and other days I don’t want to leave his side. He’s a confusing person to me. That’s why I drew the question mark where his heart is on my paper.

 

I woke up the next morning to the smell of breakfast. I smelled bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes and sausage. It smelled really good. I got out of bed and did my daily routine: Washed up, brushed my teeth, got dressed and got my book bag. Miss Devil was cooking and Daniel was sitting at the end of the table reading a newspaper. I started to walk towards the door.

 

“You didn’t say good morning. We’re sitting right here.” said Ms. Devil.

 

“Good morning.” I said flatly as I tried to walk out the door.

 

“Come eat.”

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

“It wasn’t a question. Now come sit down and eat.”

 

Daniel didn’t say anything or even look at me as usual. He kept his eyes on the newspaper and he was shaking. She set a plate in front of my face. I didn’t move a muscle. instead I just glared at her. “Eat, I said.” She repeated. I stared at her until finally she smacked me across my face hard and yelled “Eat, damn it!” I felt my cheeks grow hot and my eyes become watery. I tried really hard to hold back the tears. I think her fake ass nails scratched me or something. I stared at her again.

 

“Secret…just eat it.” Daniel finally said quietly.

 

I gave him a “Did you see that?” look and he nervously looked back at his newspaper. Trembling, I picked up the fork and began to eat. This food tasted really funny.

 

“Swallow.” She said sternly.

 

After I did, a slow smile curled on her face and she gave me some apple juice. Even that tasted a little off. Damn, this bitch can’t even make juice! I guess she saw me make a face and said with a smile

 

“Sorry about the juice, it expired a couple of days ago.”

 

After I finished, I got up to leave and she stopped me by the door.

 

“Come here.” She pulled me in the bathroom and put make up over the scratches. Then she aggressively pulled me by my hair and pushed me out into the hallway.

 

I ran into Mrs. Jenkins’s door hard. Then the bitch had the nerve to throw my book bag at me and slam the door. Oh she’s gonna get hers from me one day. Mrs. Jenkins opened her door and looked at me.

 

“What you doin Sweaters?” she asked.

 

“I was running…and I fell.” I lied.

 

“You fell huh? You sure?”

 

“Yes.” I told her as I got up.

 

“You goin to school?”

 

“Yes.” I repeated.

 

“But you don’t have no coat on, it’s cold.” She replied.

 

“…I have to go now…bye Mrs. Jenkins.” I said as I nervously backed up and walked away.

 

“Child, I pray for you.” I heard her say under her breath as I walked away. I pray for me too.

 

I walked slowly to school. I was thinking about random things. Like how I miss my mom, and how I never met my dad. How I have to constantly lie to people about what’s going on at home. I hate when I think. Thinking brings up things you’re trying forget. The more I thought, the more I concluded that my life was total shit. And the more I concluded that my life was total shit, the more I wanted to cry….so I did. I started to cry, the more I thought, the harder I cried. I cried until I couldn’t even see where I was going. I had to sit on the curb in front of a clothes shop and I just cried until almost all the energy drained out of me. I felt light headed and fatigued.

 

“Little girl, are you alright?” a man with a concerned face asked.

 

“I’m ok.” I replied. I could barely get the words to come out.

 

“It’s freezing out here. Where’s your coat?”

 

“I don’t have one.” I answered simply.

 

“You’re on your way to school?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Want a ride?”

 

“No.” I said as I got up and quickly walked away.

 

Dude wasn't bout to kidnap me, shoot. He just looked at me and walked back into the shop. I finally arrived at school. I rung the buzzer, that’s how I know I’m late. The secretary buzzed me in and gave me a tardy slip. It was almost 10:30. Damn! I didn’t think it was that late. I walked down the hall way to my classroom. I walked right in and I guess I interrupted the math lesson. The class grew absolutely quiet and I just took my seat and laid my head down.

 

“Secret...You’re late.” Mr. Rodriguez said.

 

“No shit Sherlock.” I mumbled.

 

“…Excuse me?”

 

I slowly raised my head up and looked him in his eyes.

 

"I said, no shit Sherlock.”

 

The kids started to giggle. He looked at me like I had one eye missing.

 

“Excuse me but… we don’t use that kind of language in this classroom, understood?” he asked with a stern look. I didn’t say anything. “I asked you a question.” He retorted.

 

“Kay.” I said ignorantly.

 

He gave me a hard stare. “Where’s your tardy slip?”

 

I took it out my pocket and nearly threw it at him, and then I laid my head back down. The room was quiet.

 

“Secret, you and I need to step out into the hall for a moment.” I didn’t move at all. “Now!” he almost yelled. 

 

Nearly half the class jumped. Even me, I admit. No one ever heard him get loud. Glad to be the first I thought sarcastically. I could tell he was trying to control himself. I got up with an attitude and walked out the room. As he followed behind, I closed the door in his face. He yanked it open and grabbed me by my arm as I tried to walk away.

 

“What is wrong with you?” he asked.

 

I said nothing as I tried to yank my arm away. He’s pretty strong but I finally managed to pull away.

 

“Don’t put your damn hands on me!” I yelled. “Watch your mouth!” he yelled back.

 

“Make me!” I retorted.

 

It got quiet as he looked at me. I could tell he was mad. His skin tone changed red. He ran his fingers through his long black hair as he breathed hard, counted and walked around in small circles. I used to do that myself. I count until I can’t count anymore and I sometimes breathe hard but it doesn’t really help. Haven’t done it in a while. He finally stopped and glared at me. I looked away. I walked far from him and sat in a cubby. I was tired and I felt sick a little. He watched me the whole time.

 

“Secret…we need to talk.” He finally said, trying to calm himself down.

 

“I don’t want to talk.” 

 

“You don’t have to now, but we will talk.” He answered. “It’s now or later.”

 

“I don’t want to talk.” I repeated.

 

He didn’t say anything and neither did I for a moment.

 

“Why not?” he finally asked. “It’s obvious you have a problem today.” “

 

My problems aren’t your problems, so why do you want to know them?” I shot at him.

 

“Because I care!” he said frustrated.

 

He looked at me with a flushed face. He’s cute with his face. I got up and moved to a different spot. He moved and sat next to me. I moved again, and so did he. This went on for about two more minutes. Finally, I gave up and didn’t move anymore.

 

“Give up?” he giggled.

 

“You’re a stalker.” I answered.

 

“Well thank you” he replied with a smile.

 

I couldn’t help but also smile. He looked at me, looked down, and then quickly looked at me again with that examining look and a touch of concern on his face.

 

“Secret, what’s on your face?” he asked.

 

“What?” I asked while touching my cheek. Oh yea, I forgot about the scratches and makeup. “Oh, it's nothing.” I answered again.

 

“Yea there is, let me see.” He said as he reached for my face.

 

I turned my head so he couldn’t and I scooted away a little bit.

 

“Secret, what’s wrong?” he asked as he got closer. “I just want to see.”

 

“No.” I replied simply.

 

I knew he was going to try and reach for me again, so I got up and tried to walk away a little. He stopped me by gently grabbing my arm and pulling me close to him so he could see my face.

 

“Is that makeup? You’re a little young for it aren’t you?” he asked with a slight laugh while touching it.

 

“Ow!” Damn, I didn’t mean to say it.

 

“Ow?” he repeated in a whisper. He just looked at me. “What happened Secret?” he asked.

 

The way he asked it sounded as if he had just been stabbed. After I didn’t answer right away he went into the classroom and got some tissues. When he came back, he gently wiped the makeup off and revealed the scratches. I didn’t stop him from doing it; I was trying to think of a lie.

 

“What happened to you?” he asked as he examined the scratches.

 

“A cat did it.” I answered quickly.

 

Oh yea! Mrs. Jenkins' cat, whiskers! I could use him as an excuse.

 

“A cat?” He asked as he examined me.

 

 I could tell he wasn’t convinced. “Yep, my neighbor’s cat, whiskers.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yea. I was playing with him and I think I played too rough. He scratched me.” I answered.

 

“It’s almost lunch time…you ready to go back to class like a normal little girl?” he asked.

 

“No, I’m not normal.” I answered sarcastically.

 

He smiled and we went in the room. “Alright guys get your lunches and coats and line up.” He told them. He stood by the door and didn’t move. I feel a little nauseous.

 

During lunch, I laid my head down. I felt tired, but I couldn’t sleep. Mr. Rodriguez came over and gently rubbed my back.

 

“Secret…you alright honey?” he asked.

 

I heard him, but I didn’t pay him any attention. I wanted to say I was fine but I didn’t feel like lifting my head up.

 

“You want to go to the nurse?” he asked.

 

“No thanks.”

 

“Well, it’s time to go outside, come on. Where’s your coat?”

 

“I don’t have one,” I replied as I stood up “my name is Sweaters, not Coats.”

 

“Oh, well you can’t go outside like that.” He explained. “I’ll be fine; I have on two sweaters and a long sleeve shirt, I walked here and I am fine.” I replied. “You walked?” he asked. “Yea.” I answered. “Well…I still don’t want you out there without a coat.” He said gently.

 

I was in no mood to argue with him so I didn’t say anything. I just sat and laid my head back down.

 

“Where’s your studio?” I asked him quietly.

 

He looked at me and smiled. “It’s across the street from Mason’s. It's a Clothing Store.” He replied as he sat next to me. “The building it’s in looks like a small apartment.”

 

“I think I walked passed there this morning.” I replied.

 

“Oh really, I’m there almost every day.” He said with a smile. “You should come visit me, if your parents don’t mind it.”

 

“Can I come today?” I asked.

 

“Sure babe, but make sure you remember to ask your parents.” He added.

 

“They won’t mind.” I replied.

 

When it was time to go home, I pulled Mr. Rodriguez aside and apologized for the way I was acting. I usually don’t apologize to anyone for anything...except Daniel. But I felt bad because even though I made Mr. Rodriguez mad, he forgave me and was still nice to me. He just smiled sweetly and gave me a hug. At that moment I completely froze. I didn’t hug him back but instead I simply stood there, while he hugged me. It felt weird, I’ve been hugged by Daniel many times, but Mr. Rodriguez’s hugs felt completely different. It felt like my mommy’s old hugs. It was strange coming from him. It felt like love and I wasn’t used to it. He let go and looked me in my eyes.

 

“It’s ok. We all have our bad days.” Then he smiled and walked me to the exit doors. We didn’t say anything to each other. 

“Will you be at your studio?” I asked when we finally got there.

 

 “Yes.” He smiled.

 

Ms. Marie spotted us and walked over.

 

“Hello Miguel.” She smiled.

 

“H...Hola Leelah.” he smiled back nervously. Oooh first names I see.

 

“And who’s this little cutie pie?” she asked with a smile.

 

“This is Secret. She’s one of my students.” He answered.

 

“Well, hello there Secret, that’s a pretty name.” she replied.

 

“Hi. I like your name too.” I smiled slickly. “Don’t you like her name Mr. Rodriguez?” I asked with a hint.

 

“Uhh…Yes…it…it’s beautiful.” He said as he nudged me a bit.

 

“Thank you both.” she smiled.

 

“You’re welcome.” He said.

 

“Um…should you be getting home?” He asked me.

 

“Nope, I’m in no rush at all.” I smiled.

 

“Oh, Sweetie what’s on your face?” she asked curiously.

 

I didn’t say anything. “She was scratched by a cat.” He answered for me.

 

“Oh, that’s terrible! Are you ok?” she asked.

 

“….I’m fine….I have to go now. Bye.” I said as I nervously walked out the doors.

 

“Bye, Secret! And oh, and bring your coat tomorrow, ok?” I heard him say from a distance as i got closer to the street.

 

I walked very slowly on the way home. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to see their faces. I walked past the school playground where kids were playing and other were waiting for rides. I passed the school and passed by a local plaza. I walked past the clothes store again.

 

“Little girl…” a man said to me. He was standing by the shop door. “Here” He held out a red and black coat with black and grayish fur around the hood. “Try it on.” He said with a smile.

 

I didn’t move towards him. I just kept looking at him. I started to keep walking.

 

“Please,” he said “I won't hurt you or anything like that. I just want to give you the coat. That's all.”

 

The wind blew and I reluctantly walked towards him. I carefully and quickly took the coat from his hands and backed away a bit. I put the coat on, and it fit perfectly. He walked towards me. I backed away.

 

“Just wanted to button and zip it up for you.” he replied putting his hands up like he was surrendering to the police or something. “May I?” he asked.

 

“No thank you. I got it.” I replied kinda suspicious of his actions. I buttoned and zipped up the coat myself.

 

“You can have this.” He replied with a smile.

 

“Why’d you give this to me?” I asked softly.

 

“Well, it’s cold out here. And when the snow hits, you’ll need it. You said you didn’t have one.” He replied happily.

 

He was an old man with brown and a little gray hair. He was in good shape. His eyes were blue and his skin was an apricot color. I guessed he was in his 40’s, the early ones.

 

“Thank you.” I said to him.

 

“You’re welcome honey.” He replied. Then he pulled out a matching hat, scarf, and gloves set. After I accepted them, I asked his name. He said it was Mason.

 

“Mason... Is this your store?” I asked.

 

“Well, I hope so,” He smiled. “has my name in it. If not, I've been at the wrong store this whole time!" He laughed.

 

I backed up to look at the sign. It said in big fancy yellow letters, “Mason’s Clothing Store”. I smiled at the man. I took my mother’s locket off and handed to him.

 

“Thank…Thank you mason.”

 

He took it in his hands and examined it.

 

“What's this for?”

 

“You gave me something, so I’m giving you something.” I replied simply. He gave me the biggest smile and handed it back.

 

“I think you need this, seems very valuable. I have everything I need here. I have a successful life, and it’s time I give back.” He explained.

 

“Well then take my favorite ring at least.” I said. “It’s not worth anything, but I found it in a cereal box when I was smaller and I’ve had it ever since.” I said taking the ring off.

 

He took the plastic ring with the red jewel in it and held in his hand. “I’ll treasure it always.” He smiled. I smiled back and thanked him again.

 

“Hey, where's your mother? She know you walking around in the cold alone?” he asked. 

 

"Don't have one.”

 

“Oh, what’s your name?”

 

 “Secret, Secret Stone” I answered.

 

“Well Secret…What happened to your face?” 

 

“A cat did it.” I replied simply as I walked to Mr. Ming’s Chinese restaurant.

 

It felt good to be given something for no real reason. No bribes, no conditions, no “you’ll get it if you do what I say’s. Just to be given something, because they want you to have it feels amazing. I loved the coat. It was warm and soft. I got to Mr. Ming’s restaurant and said hello.

 

“Hello Sweaters. I like your new coat.” Sandra said.

 

That’s Mr. Ming’s wife. She wasn’t Asian though, she was a black woman. No one really cared because they were cute together but there were some people in the neighborhood that didn’t and wouldn’t accept it. What's wrong with two different people being together? Their windows were broken by rocks with threats on them all the time. No one ever took it seriously because nothing ever happened.

 

“Thanks, Mr. Mason gave it me.” I smiled.

 

“Oh how thoughtful.” She replied with a smile.

 

“Where’s Mr. Ming?” I asked.

 

“Oh he’s visiting his parents in China. They’re getting really sick.” She answered.

 

“Oh. That sucks.”

 

"Yes it does.” She said giggling.

 

“Here you go cutie.” She handed me a small box of shrimp fried rice, my favorite Chinese food, and ten fortune cookies.  “Mr. Ming said you’re one of his favorite people and that you can have a free meal anytime you want.”

 

“Thanks!” I said with a smile. I’ll need it if Daniel keeps letting that bitch cook! “But can I pick it up later?” I asked.

 

I didn’t want them to take it from me.

 

“Oh sure, we’re staying open late tonight. We close at 10. I have to stay to count, order, and sort the inventory and everything.” She said slouching in the chair behind the counter.

 

“Everything?” I asked.

 

“Everything. From fortune cookies all the way to take out boxes.” she replied

 

“Oh dang that sounds boring. Where's Chu, did he go with Mr. Ming?” I asked.

 

That’s his cousin, he does the deliveries and picks up the inventory.

 

“Yea he went with him. I just hope everything’s alright. Haven’t gotten a call from him yet.” She answered.

 

“When did they leave?”

 

“Yesterday Morning.”

 

“Oh, he'll call soon.” I assured. I stood up and glanced at the clock. “I gotta go Ms. Sandra. Gotta get home.” I said as I ran for the door.

 

“Bye hun.” She waved through the window.

 

I finally got home and went to my door. I tried to open it but it was locked. I already knew who was behind it because Daniel never locked the door without a note or something on it telling me why. I knocked harder. Finally, the bitch opened the door. “

 

What?!” she yelled in a whisper.

 

“Can I come in? I do live here…” I retorted.

 

“Watch that attitude. Go in your room and say nothing. I have clients.” She shot out.

 

“You aint gotta worry bout me, I’m not stayin here anyways.” I said coldly.

 

“And where you goin?” she asked with an attitude.

 

“With my teacher, if you don’t mind.” I said flatly.

 

“Girl, I’ll slap the---.”

 

“You touch me, and I’ll tell my teacher.” I said bravely when actually deep, inside I was scared as hell.

 

She glared at me and pulled me in.

 

“Ladies, this is my fiancé’s daughter. Isn’t she adorable?” she introduced.

 

Man, she phony as hell. They all said hello. I wish I could punch the fuck out of her in front of all these people.

 

“Don’t mess this up or you’ll be sorry.” She whispered as she secretly pushed me aside. “Refreshments anyone?” she asked them. “Secret, dear, why don’t you refill the lemonade pitcher for mommy ok?” she asked. Mommy? "What the fuck ?" is all I could think. I looked at her and she gave me this “Do it.” Face. I went in my room and took my coat off.

 

She just made me mad with that "mommy" bullshit. She's gonna pay for that! I paced around for a minute or two thinking. Then I took the water bottles that I had filled with pee and hid them under my coat and came back in the kitchen. Devil was talking to the women with her back towards me. No one saw me. I took the pitcher she had filled with lemonade and poured the pee in it. I stirred and added more ice. I set it on the counter to let it set.

 

After that I went to use the bathroom. I turned the sink on to make it seem like I washed my hands but I stuck one hand in the pee filled toilet, shook it off a bit, and then I came back out and touched almost all of her food that she had set out. I even spit in her dip for the chips. I washed my hands in the kitchen sink and went to put my coat on. I grabbed my book bag and opened the door.

 

“Leaving so soon?” Devil said with a phony smile.

 

“Yes ma’am. Enjoy your party….mom.” I said with a phony smile and headed out the door.

 

I walked out of the building and ended up meeting Daniel outside. We just stopped and looked at each other. I kept walking and didn’t say anything.

 

“Secret….” He said. I turned around but didn’t say a word. “Y…you wanna…go to the park?” he asked.

 

“No.”

 

“Oh…where you goin?”

 

“To see my teacher.”

 

“Where'd you get that coat?” he asked.

 

“A man gave it to me.” I answered annoyed.

 

“A man? You taking stuff from strangers now?” he asked sternly.

 

“Yea Daniel, just like I do at home.” I said flatly.

 

I was scared. I thought he was going to threaten me for talking back or hit me...but he didn't.

 

“Oh…ok. I’ll just see you later then.” He said scratching his head.

 

I just looked at him. “Kay.”

 

I turned my head so he could get a good look at the scratches. Then I walked away on his ass.

 

I stopped in front of Mr. Mason’s Shop and looked for Mr. Rodriguez’s studio. I found it, the lights were on and I saw him walk past the window with a canvas board in his hands. I went over and knocked on the door nervously. Mr. Rodriguez came to the door and opened it.

 

“Hola, Secret.” He said with a smile.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Come in, I’m glad you came to see me.” he smiled. “Your parents do know you’re here right?” he asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, then make yourself at home.” He said happily. “Nice coat. Looks cute on you.”

 

“Thanks, Mr. Mason gave it to me.”

 

“Well, that’s nice of him.” He said as he took some cans of paint off the shelf.

 

I took off my coat and book bag and set it on the table as I walked around the place. He had a poster of Mona Lisa on the wall. I saw that picture before in a history book a while ago. I like her smile, if that’s what you call it.

 

There were a bunch of canvases against the wall that had the most beautiful paintings on them. He had shelves of paper, paint and other supplies. One of his tables had tons of drawings on them. They looked amazing. I picked up one with a fortune cookie drawn on it.

 

“You like that?” he asked me.

 

“Yes…it’s awesome.” I replied.

 

“You can have that if you want it.” He said with a smile. Dang, everyone’s just being nice to me today.

 

“Thanks.” I said. The next picture I picked up was a picture of some random kids.

 

“You have kids?” I asked him.

 

He stopped what he was doing and didn’t say anything. He completely froze and it seemed like he was afraid of the question I asked him.

 

“Well, do you?” I asked again.

 

“Um…I…I did.” He replied softly.

 

“Did? What do you mean?”

 

“I had a baby once.” he said. “Oh, you were married before?” I asked hopping up to sit on a table.

 

“No, never married. Out of wedlock. You know what that is?” he asked.

 

“Yes, it’s when you have a baby but you weren’t married when you had it.”

 

“You’re very smart.” He smiled softly.

 

“Thanks...what happened to your baby?” I asked.

 

“I had a baby girl. With a woman, that I loved but she was unhealthy.”

 

“The baby or the mama?” I asked confused.

 

“The mama.”

 

“How'd she get sick?”

 

“I um... I don't really want to talk about it.”

 

It was silent for a minute but I was really curious and needed to know.

 

“But what happened to your baby?” I asked eagerly.

 

“She died in a fire.” he said with a broken voice.

 

I didn’t want to bring back bad memories but I just couldn't stop with the questions.

 

“How?”

 

“Someone burned my house down. I think it was her mama...or someone she knew.

 

“Why would she do that?” I asked.

 

“I don’t know sweetie.” he answered softly.

 

“Didn't she know her baby was inside?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You miss her?”

 

“Who sweetie?” he asked.

 

“The mama.”

 

“Sometimes.”

 

“The baby too?”

 

“Yea...the baby too sometimes.” he said in a low voice. I could barely hear him.

 

“How come only sometimes?” I asked.

 

“Experiences can hurt you or make you stronger.” he said walking to get a canvas from a back room. “And that experience hurts. So much that, I try to forget.”

 

“Why do you want to forget them, wouldn't you want to remember people you love? “ I asked. The questions were just flowing out.

 

“You know the monkey bars at a playground?” he asked. I nodded. “Well you have to let go of one bar in order to go to the next don’t you? Well, that’s how life is. You have to let go and forget sometimes to move on.” he said.

 

“Oh...” was all I could say.

 

“She would have been nine or ten by now.” He randomly said heartbroken. I could tell he was hurt.

 

“I’m sorry I asked.” I said softly.

 

“It’s fine, you didn’t mean anything.” He put on a forced smile before looking down. I hopped off the table and walked around the room more.

 

“Teach me how to paint.” I said trying to change the subject. He didn’t move, I could tell he was still thinking about his baby. I grabbed a canvas board and a paintbrush and brought it to him. “Show me.” I said.

 

He snapped out of it and slowly took them out of my hands. He put the board on the easel and stopped.

 

“You want to paint?” he asked.

 

“Sure.” I answered.

 

He went in the back room and brought out a smaller canvas board and a smaller easel, and set it up next to his.

 

“There.” He said as he smiled. I smiled back and got a brush off the table. “What are you going to paint?” he asked.

 

“I don’t know yet.” I said.

 

“That’s alright, sometimes I don’t know what to paint either.” He said with a sigh.

 

“I’ll paint a teddy bear.” I said. “The one Daniel gave me.”

 

“Daniel?” he asked.

 

“My step dad.” I answered.

 

“Oh. Well what do you think I should paint?” He asked.

 

“Um, Mickey Mouse?” I said unsurely.

 

“Ok.” He laughed.

 

He turned on the radio. We actually had a little fun. We painted and he let me watch TV when I was done. I don't get to watch it a lot because Daniel hogs it. After a while, I fell asleep. I woke up to the sound of Mr. Rodriguez gently calling my name. His voice was sweet and loving.

 

“Hey sleepy head, it’s getting dark, shouldn’t you be getting home?” he asked.

 

“No, they’re ok with it.” I answered. I got up and stretched and asked what time it was.

 

“It’s 7:00pm.” He answered.

 

“What time do you usually leave here?” I asked.

 

“About 10pm. Sometimes I stay late.” He answered.

 

“Oh, I’ll be right back.” I said.

 

“And where are you going?” he giggled.

 

“To Golden China. I have to pick up some food from Mrs. Ming, I get it free.” I smiled proudly.

 

“Oh, is that so?” he asked. “Well, I’ll go with you. It’s too dark for you to be alone.” He explained.

 

“Fine with me dude.” I said as I put my coat on.

 

He laughed, got his coat and we walked to Golden China. Despite the cold, It was only a couple blocks away. We talked a little on the way there.

 

“Why do you like art so much?” I asked.

 

“Because it sets me free, gets rid of stress.” 

 

“And you?”

 

“Same reason.” I answered. He smiled.

 

“How come you don’t play or talk with other children?”

 

“Because, all the other children are dicks.”

 

 “Your vocabulary…” He laughed while shaking his head.

 

“I know right, blows your mind doesn’t it?” I replied sarcastically. He laughed again.

 

“You’re very funny.” He replied with a smile.

 

“Thanks, and you’re….” I faded off. “Um…you’re…”

 

“I’m what?” he asked.

 

“You’re cool.” I said. He giggled some more. “I like your hair.” I said.

 

“Gracias, I was thinking about cutting it.” He explained.

 

“You can’t!” I said warning him.

 

“And why not?”

 

“I like your hair long…looks nice on you.” 

 

“Well, thank you.” He said with a smile.

 

When we got to Golden China, there were police everywhere and three ambulances. Mr. Rodriguez stopped walking and reached for my hand to stop me from going ahead of him. We watched for a moment to see what had happened. After we saw nothing but policemen and flashing lights, I got frustrated and broke free from his grip. “Secret!” I heard him yell as I ran past the policemen and into the restaurant.

 

I stopped when I got behind the counter and found Mrs. Ming on the floor dead. She had been shot in the head and in the chest. Same way my best friend Carlos had been. I stood there frozen. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t talk. I was in shock as I stood in the puddle of blood. Her eyes were open and blood came out of her mouth. The thick blood had straightened out her curls. I just looked at her.

 

“Little girl!” someone yelled. “Get away! Hey, get back!” he yelled again.

 

He tried pulling me away and I kept pushing him off.

 

“Leave me alone, that’s my friend!” I yelled.

 

Finally someone pulled me from the man’s grip. It was Mr. Rodriguez who had me. He pulled me close to him and looked me in my eyes.

 

“Don’t ever run off like that again, understand?” He yelled. His face was flushed. “You scared me.” he said softly.

 

Tears ran down my face as I just looked at him.

 

“Is this your little girl?” the man asked. “

 

Yes.” He answered.

 

“You mind if we ask her some questions?” he asked.

 

“What kind of questions…and who are you?” Mr. Rodriguez asked.

 

“I’m Mr. Goldberg. She said she was friends with the victim. We would like to ask her some simple questions. That’s all.” The man explained.

 

They both looked at me and then at Mrs. Ming.

 

“Alright.” Mr. Rodriguez said. “But can we go outside.” he asked.

 

“Of course.” Mr. Goldberg said glancing once more at Sandra before the ambulance people covered her up.

 

Mr. Goldberg took my hand and we started to walk away. Mr. Rodriguez grabbed him by his arm.

 

“No, if you have to ask her anything, ask in front of me.” The two men glared at each other, then, Mr. Goldberg agreed.

 

“Alright honey, how did you know Mrs. Ming?” he asked me.

 

“I come here every other day and buy fortune cookies. Me and my mom used to come here when I was little.” I answered.

 

“Where’s your mother now?”

 

“I don’t know.” I answered. Mr. Rodriguez looked at me.

 

“When’s the last time you saw Mrs. Ming?”

 

“Earlier today after school. She gave me free food, I was coming back to get it.”

 

“Really? And where was Mr. Ming?”

 

“He’s in china visiting his parents. They’re sick.” I replied.

 

“And how do you know this?”

 

“….Mrs. Ming told me when I asked her.” I answered annoyed.

 

“Alright,” He said as he looked at Mr. Rodriguez. “That’s all we need dear.”

 

I got a glance of the ambulance men putting the body bag on the gurney. Mr. Rodriguez pulled me close to him and covered my ears. I could still hear the muffled sounds.

 

“What happened?” Mr. Rodriguez asked him.

 

“Just a simple robbery gone wrong. She was alone here, the guy robbing her obviously panicked and fired. Son of a bitch got away though. Him and the money.” Mr. Goldberg explained.

 

“That’s terrible.” He said sympathetically.

 

“Yea well, Thank you for your time.” Mr. Goldberg smiled as he walked away.

 

“…Come on Secret. This isn’t for a child’s eyes.” Mr. Rodriguez said softly as he gently pushed me from the scene. I broke free from him and ran in the kitchen.

 

I looked in the fridge for the small box of shrimp fried rice Mrs. Ming had put up for me. It had my name on it in bright red letters. A tear rolled down my cheek as I took it out and walked back towards Mr. Rodriguez.

 

“Stop doing that!” he scolded.

 

We started to walk back to the studio. It was real quiet. Mr. Rodriguez reached out and held my hand. I didn’t refuse. We held hands until we got to the studio.

 

“You alright?” he asked. I didn’t say anything. “You want me to heat that up for you?” he asked referring to the box of rice under my coat.

 

“No, I’m never eating it.”

 

“Well, It’s gonna go bad.” He tried reasoning.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

He sat next to me and hugged me. “I know you’re hungry.” He smiled. I didn’t say a thing but my stomach did. He laughed and I smiled. “Come on, let me feed you before I take you home, how about pizza?” he asked. I nodded reluctantly. “What kind you like?” “He asked.

 

“Just cheese.”

 

“Really? I like that too.” He said smiling.

 

After the pizza arrived, we just sat around, ate and relaxed. While we ate, I had to ask him a question that had been bugging me since we left Golden China.

 

“Why’d you tell that man I was yours?” I asked him.

 

“Well, all teachers at some point claim their students to be their own. Plus, he wanted to ask you some questions, if I wasn’t your parent, he probably would have wanted a parent’s permission. I didn’t want to worry yours, so I just said you were mine.”

 

“Oh.” Was all I said.

 

“I like your artwork and stuff, it’s cool.” I complimented.

 

“Well, thanks……my art’s cool….I’m cool? You know what, I think you actually like me.” he said with a cocky smile.

 

“No, I think you’re a nice stalke though.” I replied. He laughed.

 

“Be it as it may, you like me.” he said with a smile. “I’m your friennnd. I’m your friennnd.” He started to tease. He got up and danced around repeating it over and over.

 

“No, you’re not my friend. I don’t like you.” I said trying not to smile. He kept on repeating it. “No, you’re a stalker. Stop it.” I kept saying.

 

“I’m your friend, you like me and you know it.” He said with a happy grin.

 

“Ok….I like you, but you ain't my friend.” I replied as I folded my arms and turned from him.

 

“That’s fine with me amigo, it’s still close.” He replied happily.

 

“Not even in Spanish.” I said.

 

“Damn.” He said defeated.

 

“Oooh you said damn.” I accused.

 

“So do you.” he said back. We both laughed.

 

“You sure I’m not your friend?” he asked.

 

“Positive.”

 

“Well, it’s getting late. I should take you home, your parents might be worried.” He said.

 

“That’s parent, and he ain't worried.” I corrected.

 

“The word is “isn’t” and I bet he is.” He giggled. “Come on let’s go.” he said.

 

I got my coat, book bag, the Chinese food, and drawing he let me have. He asked me where I lived after we got into his car.

 

“Where’s your mama?” he asked in his accent.

 

“I’m not sure…She left when I was five I think."

 

“Oh…my mama left me too when I was 7.” He said softly.

 

“Why?”

 

“Why’d yours leave you?” he asked.

 

“I don’t know."

 

“Exactly."

 

It was quiet for a minute.

 

“I’m sorry for your loss.” He said.

 

“It’s fine.” I replied softly. "I’m used to let downs."

 

He looked over at me but i kept looking straight ahead.

 

“We’re here.” I pointed out flatly.

 

“Want me to take you up?”

 

“Sure.” I said.

 

We went in the shabby old building and walked to the third floor.

 

“3A.” I said.

 

We walked till we reached my door. He knocked but Mrs. Jenkins came out of her door instead.

 

“Hey Sweaters, who this?” She asked curiously.

 

“Hello, I’m Mr. Rodriguez. I’m her teacher.” He said with a smile as he held his hand out for a handshake.

 

“Damn…..well um…Mr. Rodriguez…you sure is fine. Is there a Mrs. Rodriguez?” she asked laughing.

 

Oh God, this lady is tryin to flirt with my teacher. 

 

“Hi, Mrs. Jenkins.” I said putting strength on the word “Mrs.”

 

“Girl, my husband almost dead. Hey teach, I think I could use a lesson.” She said laughing and flirting.

 

Mr. Rodriguez started to smile nervously. Then Daniel opened the door.

 

“Who is you?” he asked rubbing his eyes and reaching for my hand. He sounded like he was sleep or maybe drunk.

 

“I’m Mr. Rodriguez…her teacher.” He said flatly.

 

“Aw….you brought her home?” he asked.

 

“Yes…” Mr. Rodriguez said.

 

“Aw, iight."

 

 “Come on Secret.” He said reaching for my arm.

 

“Wait…” Mr. Rodriguez said while grabbing me gently by the arm. “Good night. Go straight to bed, school tomorrow.” He smiled.

 

“Goodnight.” I smiled back.

 

After he left, Daniel took a plate of food out of the microwave and handed it to me.

 

“I ate already, thank you though.” I said.

 

He looked at me. “What you eat?”

 

“Pizza.”

 

 “Iight, drink this then. You need it.” He handed me a glass of juice. “Drink it.” He ordered.

 

I took a sip and nearly spit it out.

 

“It’s vitamin juice…..healthy for kids.” He said wobbling to the couch.

 

Since when did this asshole care about my health? After I drank the juice, I washed up and got ready for bed. I had a dream about Daniel. He took me to the park when it was dark, and left me there. When I got home, it was empty. I tried to call his name but no sound came out. I have some strange dreams.

 

Over the next few weeks, it was the same story. Ms. Devil made me eat breakfast. I didn’t argue, I just ate it. I didn’t want any more scars and scratches to lie about. Again Daniel said nothing. I walked past Golden China. The ambulances were gone but some police cars and some stand byers were there with yellow police and crime scene tape. It reminded me of that TV show, CSI. I walked past Mr. Mason’s shop and waved at him. I even felt sick again. Again, I was late, like I cared.

 

Again, Ms. Marie and Mr. Rodriguez would flirt. Even Erica had some shit to say. She was making fun of me because I had a new scratch on my face. I just wanted to know how everyone saw it. It wasn’t even that big! After school, I visited Mr. Rodriguez a couple more times. I couldn't go everyday but I went when I could. I decided to go by there today, it's Saturday and I have nothing planned.

 

“So you didn’t always live here?” I asked.

 

“Here in Illinois?” he asked.

 

“No, here in this country.”

 

“Oh, no I haven’t. Beautiful Mexico is where I lived, right in Cancun.” He answered.

 

“Oh, I always wanted to go to Mexico.” I replied.

 

“You should go one day then, beautiful country.”

 

“Did you know Cancun was once a jungle? I love that, the fact that you can take nothing, and make it into something.” He said smiling.

 

“Oh cool. Why’d you leave?” I asked. He froze again, like he did when I asked him about his baby.

 

“Um….let’s change the subject, please.” He smiled nervously.

 

“Ok. You have any friends?” I asked trying to change the mood.

 

“I have many, but only a few good friends.”

 

“Oh.”

 

 “How about you, where are your friends?” he asked looking at me.

 

I was sitting on one of his tables swinging my legs and he was painting.

 

“My friend is dead and my other friend is my enemy now.” I answered.

 

“Why you and Erica not friends anymore?” he asked.

 

“She got jealous of me and Carlos. She thought I liked him better because we hung out more. She started to slowly become a bitch and---.” He cut me off.

 

“Hey…” he scolded.

 

“Sorry. But anyways, her dad came back from the army and they had a lot of money and she just thought she was just too good for us. She had nice clothes and toys. Then one day she stopped talking to us, and when she did it was nothing nice. Then Gabrielle and Tasha became her new friends…or minions….whatever you prefer.” I explained.

 

“We all had been friends since we were smaller. All I know is that I had one friend left, and now he’s gone.” I finished.

 

“What happened to him…?” he asked.

 

“His mom shot him in his head and chest while he was taking a nap in his room.” I answered. He stopped painting and turned to look at me.

 

“W...Why would she do such a thing?” he asked in shock.

 

“Why do people do a lot of things?” I answered. He looked at me like he wanted to know more. “She said the voices in her head told her to do it. She was a junkie.” I said.

 

“That’s terrible...” he said in disbelief.

 

“No it’s not, I'ts a good thing.” I said.

 

“….Why?”

 

“He was being abused, by her and all her boyfriends. He told me I was his only friend. And I believed him, because he was my only friend. But he’s dead, and that’s good because now he doesn’t have to be hurt anymore. He’s safe now.” I finished before looking down.

 

Mr. Rodriguez just looked at me before he looked down too.

 

“He was supposed to meet me at the secret place that day…” I said.

 

“What secret place?” he asked.

 

“In the woods, there’s this spot out there with a tree, it has an old car next to it. We made it like our own clubhouse. I stopped goin when he died. I don’t even remember where it is anymore I think.”

 

It was quiet for a minute. “I know where that is…” he finally said.

 

“You do?” I asked surprised.

 

“Yes, I took my dogs for a walk one day in the woods and they ran off and I followed them. They lead me right to that car. It was a yellow, old fashion car. Like a beetle or something.” He said.

 

“Yea I remember!” I said excitedly.

 

“I could take you there. Do you want to go?” he asked smiling.

 

“When?” I asked.

 

“How about now?” he replied.

 

“Ok!” I said smiling.

 

“Alright let’s go.” He said cheerfully.

 

The drive to the woods wasn’t that long. It was really a forest preserve and a lot of people walk or ride their bikes on the track. Mr. Rodriguez parked his car in the lot. When we got out and started walking, I asked him about his dogs.

 

“What kind of dogs do you have?”

 

“I have a Female Golden retriever, named Dorada and a Male Maltese-poodle named Mixto.”

 

“Cute, What do they mean?" I asked.

 

"In English,  Dorada means golden and mixto means mix."

 

"But I thought it was pronounced Dorado, not dorada." i explained.

 

“Oh, it's because she’s a girl.” He said. “Sometimes in Spanish, if you’re a female you change the o at the end of the word to an “a”. Like Chico, this means boy and Chica which means girl.” He explained.

 

“Oh.”

 

“How do you know Spanish?” he asked.

 

“My mom spoke it sometimes. She said she learned from someone else. She didn't speak it a lot, she only knew some words and short sentences.” I explained.

 

“Oh, she wasn't fluent you mean.” He said.

 

“Yea, that word.”

 

As we walked the track I kept trying to look for things that would help spark my memory in helping find the tree. I couldn’t find a thing. Luckily, Mr. Rodriguez remembered and we took a shortcut off the trail.

 

We arrived at the tree with the car. I stopped and just looked at it. Carlos died about 3 years ago. I haven’t been here in a while. I wanted to get a good look at it. I walked up to the car and touched it. It was cool and rusty. I opened the door and a squirrel jumped out and scampered away. Mr. Rodriguez started to laugh.

 

“Not funny!” I said embarrassed a little. I started to get in.

 

“Um…I don’t think that’s safe.” He warned.

 

“It’s safe.” I reassured as I tried to climb inside.

 

“Yea, but you haven’t been here in a long time….it may not be safe anymore.” He said.

 

I didn’t try to get in anymore, instead I stepped on the door and climbed on top the car and got in the tree. The way Carlos always did it. I was always scared to do it. I used to always just swing on the swing we made and play in the car. The swing! I jumped down and started to walk towards the swing.

 

“Don’t you dare!” He warned walking over to me a bit. “It looks like it’ll fall to pieces.”

 

“Oh, you’re such a baby.” I teased. As I headed towards the swing again.

 

“Secret, I mean it. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” He warned.

 

I sighed heavily and backed away from the swing. I walked back over the car and opened its trunk. Our snacks and toys we hid in there were still there. Well kinda, looks like the squirrels got to most of it.

 

“What’s that?” he asked. I started to laugh.

 

“That’s the peanut butter and jelly sandwich Daniel made for me.”

 

The bread was green and the peanut butter and jelly was oily in its sandwich bag.

 

“Gross…” he said laughing.

 

My favorite doll Daniel had given me was in there. It was brand new when he gave it to me. Still looked brand new, just needed to be wiped down. Carlos’ favorite teddy bear, Randy, was there. I took it and held it close. The wind started to blow.

 

“Can we leave now?” I asked.

 

“Sure, you taking those with you?” he said referring to the doll and teddy bear.

 

“Yea.”

 

“Alright, let’s go. And make sure you clean those things.” He said softly.

 

On the walk back I thanked him. It was nice to visit and I was grateful for it.

 

“No problem sweetie.” He smiled.

 

Chapter Three: A Different Point Of View.

Secret:

 

 

Every day was the same routine. They made me eat or they made me drink that juice all the time. I was late for school almost every day. The school called my house to complain about the tardies but no one answered. So I took it into my own hands to just start waking up earlier than expected. Daniel and Devil eventually found out I was up early and just had the juice in the fridge for me. I had to always drink it before I left. And if I didn’t drink it, they’d hit me. Every day I went to see Mr. Rodriguez after school. Every day we’d talk.

 

Everyday he’d ask the same question “Are we friends yet?”

 

I’d give him the same answer “No.” And he would laugh it off.

 

When I came home, the juice would be in the fridge waiting for me. I thought I would be fat by now from how much they made me eat and drink. Yep, everything was the same, except me. I felt sick; I threw up mostly and grew tired all the time. I ran out of energy frequently and I always felt light headed. I slept all the time. Daniel and Devil made it no fun either. They’d tell me to do stuff and I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have the strength or the energy. When I didn’t do it at all or not fast enough, they’d hit me.

 

Not just the regular slaps and scratches I’m used to, but actual punches and kicks. Bruises and Bumps all over me. The only ones I couldn’t cover are the ones that show on my face. Devil would put a lot of makeup over them but some were still noticeable. I’d always say I fell, ran into something or a type of animal did it. I don’t know why I kept covering for them. One day I forgot to drink the juice before I left for school and when I came home, as soon as I opened the door Ms. Devil threw her high heeled shoe at my face and it hit me in the nose. It wouldn’t stop bleeding and Daniel just sat there and watched. He just looked down, like he was the one hurt.

 

In class it had started bleeding again and I didn’t know it. Mr. Rodriguez took me to the bathroom and cleaned me up. He didn’t ask about it. Then on Sunday I was taking a nap in my room and Ms. Devil came and burned me a little on my arms with her curling iron. That hurt like hell! I even cried. I drank the juice and ate the food for that day. I didn’t understand why she came in and did that, I didn’t do anything. My arms hurt so bad that I had to be careful doing anything. It hurt to pick up things, to move them, and the slightest touch felt horrible. In the middle of the night, Daniel came in and woke me up to put some sticky stuff from a plant on my burns.

 

“So it don’t blister up anymore.” He explained.

 

He said it’s called an Aloe Vera. It felt really good. He said not to tell Sheila. I had to put on my light sweaters because the heavy ones hurt my arms. I couldn’t even put on my coat so I had to walk to school without it all week. The air felt good on my burns. I had caught a slight cold from it though. I don’t get sick often. It wasn’t till Thursday that anyone noticed I looked…different. Mr. Rodriguez had asked me where my homework was. I haven’t turned in any homework for like two weeks. I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t do it because I didn’t have the strength to do it after my beatings. I just told him I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to.

 

At lunch he pulled me aside and asked me if I was alright.

 

“I’m fine.” I said softly.

 

“You sure?”

 

“You don’t look too good.”

 

“I…I’m fine.” I said tiredly as I tried to walk away.

 

“Secret…” he said quietly as he gently grabbed me by my arm to stop me.

 

“Ouch!” I yelled out, yanking my arm away.

 

“…I didn’t hurt you… did I?” He asked as he jumped back a little.

 

“No.” I said quickly.

 

“You sure...you did yell pretty loud…”

 

“I’m ok…” I said softly.

 

He just glared at me. I started to slowly walk away because I felt tired and I just wanted to sit down. Then, he lightly touched my arm again.

 

“Ow!” I cried out loud.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” I said simply.

 

He started to get that examining look. I started to walk away, he grabbed my hand and pulled me close. He squatted down to my level and looked me in my eyes. I didn’t look away. I didn’t have a choice. I thought if I looked away, I’d give myself away. Eventually, I couldn’t take it and looked away.

 

“What’s wrong with your arm?” he asked sternly.

 

“Nothing.” I said quickly. He starred at me. The stare he gave me told me “I know your hiding something.” Before I could stop him, he quickly raised my left sleeve. His face was unreadable. He just looked at my arms and then at me.

 

“What happened?”

 

I didn’t say anything. He looked at me and then stood completely up without taking his eyes off me. He took me to the nurse, Ms. Marie. I had no idea that she was the nurse. Then again, I never saw her with a class. Man, usually school nurses aren’t there all the time, this chick was here almost every day.

 

“Oh hi Miguel!” she smiled as she fixed her hair.

 

“Hi.” He said softly.

 

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

 

He swung me over gently to show her my arm. “What do those look like?” he asked.

 

She took my arm softly and I winced. “They look like burn marks.” She answered as she looked at me with curiosity. “Sweetheart what happened to you?” she asked.

 

Mr. Rodriguez stood close with his arms folded as they both waited for an answer.

 

“Daniel told me not to play by the curling irons. I did it anyway and it fell on me.” I lied.

 

She examined my face and then started to roll my other sleeve up. “These are Burns also.” She said. “How’d you get those?” she asked.

 

“…Same thing, I kept doing it.” I replied quickly.

 

“Oh…what about these bruises by your shoulders?” Mr. Rodriguez spotted, gently pulling my shoulder sleeves off.

 

“I ran into the door. I’m very clumsy.” I said with a phony giggle and smile.

 

They both just looked at me and it became quiet. Ms. Marie gently and slowly rolled my sleeves down for me and adjusted my sweater to cover my shoulders.

 

“Secret…you can go back to lunch.” Mr. Rodriguez said softly while glaring at me.

 

I looked up at him before I walked out of the office very slowly.I knew that i had messed up. They probably know what's up. Maybe I'll get away with it. If not, i can tell Daniel and have him agree to the lie i told. I was in the hallway thinking about what to lie about and how to get the story straight and no one was there but me. I could barely move. I was so tired, completely drained.

 

Mr. Rodriguez:

 

I didn’t know what to do. I saw the burn marks on that baby’s arms and it nearly scared me to death. I didn’t know how to react to it. W…what was I supposed to do? Her step father seems to know already. Then something caught on and it reminded me of a bad memory. It gave me flash backs.

 

“Oh, that poor kid. Parents need to be more careful and take action. You just can’t tell a child to not do something without a warning of what might happen.” I heard Leelah say.

 

I was quiet for a minute. “…Iron fell on me my ass!” I said coldly.

 

“What?” She asked confused. I turned and looked at her.

 

“The curling iron did not fall on her, it was put on her.” I explained.

 

“What do you mean?” she asked with curiosity.

 

“She has severe burn marks on her arms. An accident wouldn’t have them like that.” I said with security. “And, there are burn marks on both her arms. I know that little girl and the way she is. She is absolutely not stupid enough to do it again, she is being abused!” I said growing more angrier.

 

She just looked at me but she didn’t say a word. “H…how can you be so sure?” she asked quietly.

 

“Isn’t it obvious? ...It should have been.” I said sheepishly. “Why didn’t I see it at first? The anti-socialness, no manners, lack of trust, sudden injuries….I should know. I should have noticed.” I said softly.

 

Leelah came by and rubbed me on my back. Then she looked me in my eyes. “You cannot blame yourself.” She said sweetly. “A lot of people don’t notice what’s right in their faces. And you’re just her teacher, how could you have known?” she asked softly.

 

“Because….I went through the same thing.” I sat down on the bench inside the room and she sat real close right next to me.

 

“Tell me.” she smiled.

 

I was hesitant to talk about it at first. I wasn't comfortable talking about my past.

 

“My…father…would hit my mother…all the time. And when she wasn’t around, he’d hit me.” I said. “He drank a lot. We owned a grape vineyard in Cancun, where I lived at the time. The grapes weren’t growing properly; our land had gone dry costing my father thousands of dollars. He always drank to ease his own pain, but I don’t think he ever realized how much pain he caused others. Some of my family left already and came to America, to get away from the terrible drought." "Some of us stayed, praying the land would be fertile again.  We went bankrupt, and he got worse. The beatings got worse. He even drove people away. One night, my mother came into my room and stayed with me. My father burst in and he had a gun in his hand. He aimed it at us, and she tried to protect me by standing in front of me.”

 

“He kept yelling at her and she kept begging him to put the gun down. He was drunk and stumbled with every move. He fired on accident, and it nearly missing us and went through the window. She pushed me away and told me run. And I…. I didn’t run, because I was afraid. I wish I did though. He came and grabbed me by my hair and put the gun to my head and threatened to shoot if she didn’t go down stairs with him and make love to him. She finally agreed and begged him to let me go. Once he did, he watched her go down stairs then he kissed me on my head and told me, ‘Never be the man I am,’ then he left. A few hours later, my mother came and woke me up. She had a car and a few bags packed outside. She told me I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. We drove to the airport and got on the plane. When I woke up, we were in America. And I’ve never felt so free.”

 

I turned and looked her in her eyes. “The bruises, the scratches, the bumps, the burns…they never heal fast enough. During school I wore long sleeve shirts, I didn’t talk much, and I always lied about the scars. Two years later, I came home and my mother wasn’t there. There was a note that said she had to leave, and that my aunt would take care of me. My aunt picked me up and packed all my things to live with her.” I paused. “….I should have known…” I stood up and wiped the tear that tried to come out.

 

Leelah came behind me and grabbed me by my waist, and laid her head on my back. I turned to her. Her eyes said that she really cared. She leaned in and kissed me. I didn’t refuse at all. I kept kissing her. It was long and passionate but she stopped regretfully.

 

“I forgot we’re at work,” She giggled nervously. “but what are you gonna do now?” I looked at her as I was still hooked on the kiss. I pulled away.

 

“I’m gonna talk to the principal and maybe we can call the police. Thank you, by the way …for listening.” I said gratefully. She smiled at me. 

 

We walked to the office to talk to the principal. We tried asking for him but the secretary was on the phone. We waited, then out of nowhere, a desperate yell for help came from the bathroom. We ran to see what had happened and a teacher had come out with a girl in her arms.

 

“Secret!” I yelled. I was scared. I grabbed her and pleaded for her to wake up. Leelah checked her pulse, she was still alive. But her eyes wouldn’t open.

 

“Please,” Leelah screamed. “Someone call an ambulance!” 

 

Everyone started to panic. Erica was standing by the bathroom wall watching us. Her facial expression was unreadable and she stood there motion less.

 

“Secret…please wake up. Secret…por favor.” I pleaded as tears ran down my face.

 

Tamar:

 

I’m nervous, very nervous. All kinds of questions have been running through my mind all day. How do they look now? Will they recognize me? Sitting in this taxi cab got me itching. I can’t wait till I get there. I can’t wait to see them…to see what I had been missing for so long. I arrived at the building and went to their door. I still remember it. A woman opened it up and looked at me. It was quiet for a minute.

 

“May I help you?” she asked in a bad attitude.

 

“Yes I’m Tamar Reevis. I…I came to see Daniel Stone.” I replied politely. ”Does he still live here?”

 

“Yes, what do you want with him?” she asked.

 

“Aye, babe who's that?” I heard Daniel say.

 

He came to the door and looked at me. “May I help you?” he asked politely. He sounded sober.

 

“Daniel…it’s me Tamar.” I explained.

 

He just stood there and looked at me. He looked at me like I was lying.

 

“…Daniel!” that lady said in jealousy.

 

He snapped out of it “Whatchu want?” he asked after a minute.

 

“Where’s Secret?” I asked.

 

“Wait a minute, who are you?” the lady said with an attitude.

 

“I’m her mother, thank you.” I snapped. She was starting to piss me off.

 

“Her mother? Oh, the druggie.” She said with a giggle.

 

I just looked at her. “I’m clean. I’ve been clean for 4 years now.” I said as politely as I could.

 

“Should have been clean in the first place.” she said ignorantly as she walked off.

 

“Blame him.” I retorted.

 

She looked at me, then at him. He looked down avoiding her. “Look…what do you want?” the lady asked.

 

“Look…mind your business.” I replied.

 

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” She asked.

 

“Absolutely Nobody.” I said with a smile.

 

“Aye, come on now Sheila.” Daniel scolded. “Come in Tamar.”

 

 “What?” She said in disbelief.

 

“Well she caint stand in the hallway.” He explained.

 

“And why not?” she asked with an attitude.

 

I came in and she gave me a look. I gave her the same look.

 

“Want a drink or sum?” he asked.

 

“Sure thank you.” I answered.

 

I sat on the couch in the living room. The same one he had since I met him.

 

“I’m Sheila Divine, Daniel’s fiancée.” She introduced with a little cockiness in her voice.

 

“Kay.” I said with a smile. Hers faded away.

 

“Here you go.” Daniel said as he handed me a glass of lemonade.

 

“Thank you. So, how have you been?” I asked him.

 

“Ok…I’ve been goin to rehab…sometimes.” He answered.

 

“Oh, that’s good.” I replied. “Yep…”

 

It was quiet for a minute. Then there was a knock at the door.

 

“Aye, stone!” a woman yelled. “Aye, you seen my cat?”

 

Daniel sighed and shook his head. He got up and went and opened the door. A plump old woman entered the house and started searching.

 

“Um…why don’t you come in?” Daniel asked sarcastically as he closed the door.

 

“I caint find my cat. You seen whiskers anywhere?” she asked. Then she stopped and looked at me.

 

“Dang Daniel….I didn’t know you was into the group thing.” She said. Group Thing, what she talking about? “Oh she’s pretty though, I see why you’re into it.” She said.

 

“No, no, Mrs. Jenkins that’s Tamar…” He tried to explain.

 

“Aw I don’t care what her name is honey, that’s yo business.” She said giggling.

 

“No, that’s Tamar…Secret’s mama.” He explained.

 

“What? That aint no Tamar.” She said while trying to see who I was. She got closer, squinting her eyes.

 

“Oh….oh wow…” She said in shock holding her glasses to her face. “Tamar….well look at you! Looking like a bouquet of roses, you so pretty when you aint on that stuff!” she said smiling.

 

“Well, thank you Mrs. Jenkins.” I smiled. “I worked hard to get clean.”

 

“Well that’s good honey, how long?”

 

“Four years.” I said smiling.

 

“Oh well I’m proud of ya, you look beautiful…” she complimented.

 

“You do...” Daniel agreed.

 

“Thank you both.”

 

 Sheila looked mad and announced she had to pee.

 

“Don’t nobody wanna know dat!” Mrs. Jenkins replied as Sheila slammed the door. “Terrible ass attitude. So anyway, how you been darling?” she asked me.

 

“I’ve been good. I was living in Tennessee for a while with a friend. I’m in Indiana now, not too far. I started taking parenting classes and I even got a job as a daycare teacher's assistant. So everything is prettty ok so far.”

 

“Oh really, well that’s good baby.” She smiled. “Thank you. Daniel, when does Secret get home from school?” I asked.

 

Daniel:

 

She looks so beautiful, like when I first met her. I ain't mean to get her hooked on the drugs. I just wanted her to try it. Make her feel how I felt. She didn't really want to but I made her. She wasn’t the same ever since. Until now, she was a different woman. I had a whole different respect for her. But when she kept asking me about Secret, I felt...guilty. How do I tell someone that I…I’m…harmin their only child?

 

“Daniel…?” Tamar said.

 

“Oh, um 3:00.” I answered. The phone started to ring and I answered it. After a couple minutes I hung up. I just looked at Tamar.

 

“What’s wrong?” Tamar asked.

 

“It's Secret, she's in the hospital. She really sick…” I answered.

 

“Well what's wrong with her? How'd she get sick?” She asked nervously, each question piercing my heart.

 

"Um...I don't know. They said she fainted, she's in the emergency room."

 

"Oh God, I hope she's ok." She said getting up and grabbing her bags.

 

"You need to call a taxi?" I offered.

 

"No, thanks. I've got the taxi man still running downstairs. Are you going to come too?"

 

Sheila opened the bathroom door, but didn't come out. I looked over at her for approval and she shook her head no.

 

"Uh, i can't. Not right now, I'll meet you there maybe. Or just call me...let me know whats going on." I said getting a pen and paper to write down my number for her.

 

"Well alright," she said taking it. "it was nice seeing you again Daniel." She said as she rushed out the door. " Bye Mrs. Jenkins and...everyone else.” She made a face at Sheila and Sheila glared backed at her.

 

 After a few minute Mrs. Jenkins finally left. Then Sheila finally came out the bathroom in panic.

 

“Daniel, pack our stuff, we need to leave now!”

 

Mr. Rodriguez:

 

I waited in the waiting room at the hospital with my palms against my face. Leelah was sitting next to me with her hand on my thigh. I felt terrible.

 

“Miguel, stop beating yourself up.” She told me. I just looked at her then I put my palms on my face again. “Miguel…” Leelah said in a whisper while shaking me.

 

I raised my head to see the doctor coming our way.

 

“Hello I’m Doctor Pollum. And you are whom to the patient?” he asked.

 

“I’m Miguel Rodriguez, her teacher.” 

 

“Are you the only caregiver at this time?"

 

“Yes sir.”

 

“Ok, well Secret isn’t doing too well. We lost her twice, but she’s finally stable. She’s still unconscious but you may still see her if you like.” He explained. “Is she with you?” he asked referring to Leelah.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Ok, two people at a time, room 112.” He smiled as he walked away. 

 

I just stood there. I was afraid to see her because I didn’t know how I would react. Leelah came and held my hand then she guided me to room 112. When we got to her door, Leelah stopped and pushed me in front of her, gesturing for me to go first. I hesitated as I reached for the door knob. I walked in and saw Secret attached to all kinds of tubes and wires. She looked…peaceful. I wanted to cry, just at the fact that this little girl could die any minute. She’s done it twice, she could do it again, and this time she might not come back. The nurse had walked in and fixed the bed that was next to Secrets for the next patient. They rolled a boy in on a gurney, he looked a few years older than Secret. He had bruises and burn marks on him. His face looked calm and he even smiled at me. 

 

After they got him situated they asked us to step out of the room. We sat in the waiting room for a while and a few minutes later, we saw the doctor followed by two nurses rush into the room. I started to get worried. I wanted to be in there and find out what was going on. The thought of it made me laugh inside. I could already hear Secret calling me a stalker. The doctor came out of the room a while later and walked quickly towards us.

 

“….Secret’s awake.” He smiled. “She doesn’t really remember what happened, but despite her injuries, she is feeling a lot better…well, after she threw up a couple times. You can see her now if you’d like.”

 

A smile came across my face as I stared to walk towards her room. “Oh and uh…are you… aware of her vocabulary?” he asked.

 

“Yes…blows your mind doesn’t it?” I said almost laughing as I rushed to her room.

 

I walked in and she was laying down watching TV and then she looked at me. A smile went across my face as I walked towards her and held her hand. She didn’t refuse; no one said a thing for a minute. Then Secret let my hand go.

 

“Can I go home?” She asked

 

“No, you need to stay here, you’re very sick.” I answered.

 

She didn’t say anything else. Leelah came in and said the doctor wanted to talk to me. I went outside the room with him while she went in and talked to Secret.

 

“There are burns on her arms but they aren’t too severe. Good thing they didn’t blister up. She has a small fever also; I can get her some antibiotics too.” He explained. “But what we can’t seem to figure out is why she constantly throws up. It’s like every few minutes.” He said in confusion. “Maybe you can help me get her to talk, find out what she’s been eating?” 

 

“Um, ok sure, I’ll help.”

 

We went back into the room and saw Leelah smiling as she stroked Secret’s hair.

 

“…Secret, honey can you tell us anything that you’ve eaten over the past few weeks?” the doctor asked. She didn’t answer but she looked down. I went and held her hand.

 

“That information is confidential.” She stated firmly.

 

The doctor started to giggle.

 

“Secret….” I said trying to be serious.

 

“I ate food and I drank juice.” She said softly.

 

“What kind of food and juice?” The doctor asked.

 

“The average kind dipshit.” She said coldly.

 

“Secret!” Leelah scolded.

 

“I just ate regular food. They made me eat it everyday.” 

 

“They?” she asked me. “Daniel and the Devil.” She answered for me.

 

“Devil?” Leelah questioned.

 

“His girlfriend, Miss Divine.” She said coldly.

 

“What kind of juice?” Dr. Pollum asked.

 

“I don’t know, they told me it was vitamin juice. I had to drink it everyday or they would….” she stopped talking.

 

“Or…they would what?” I asked.

 

“Nothing, I just had to drink it everyday before and after school.” She said quickly.

 

“Who burned you?” I asked sternly.

 

The room fell quiet. I looked her in her eyes.

 

“No one did. The curling irons fell on me.” She said quietly.

 

“It fell on you...huh?” I asked.

 

She just looked at me nervously. “…yea…fell on me.” she said flatly.

 

“Ok…” I said softly while starring at her. 

 

The doctor asked me to step out of the room. “We're going to have to contact her parent or guardian. They need to be here.” he told me.

 

“You cant.” I said simply, feeling the heat getting hotter inside of me.

 

“Why not?” he asked.

 

“Because he's the one that did it to her. He harmed her!" I heard myself getting a little loud.

 

“Well Mr. Rodriguez how can you be so sure? We cant just go around pointing the finger.” he explained.

 

“But Dr. I am certain tha--.”

 

“Look, we just cant do that. Now if you really believe this then we can have a few security and a social worker on the stand by when he gets here.”

 

“No...that's not necessary.”  I said.

 

“Are you sure?” He asked.

 

“Yes.” I said uncertainly.

 

“The school has already called home. Were going to try to call this time.” He said walking away from me.

 

I stood there helpless. I went to Secret's room to let Leelah know I was leaving and I'd be right back. Secret was laying down wither eyes closed.

 

“Where are you goin?" She asked.

 

“I have to go do something.” I answered as I grabbed my coat and left.

 

I got into my car and drove away. I needed to clear my head. Then I knew exactly where I wanted to go. All kinds of thoughts and memories went through my mind. I had mixed emotions. I finally arrived to my destination and walked into the building. I went to the door and knocked. A man answered.

 

“Are you Daniel Stone?” I asked.

 

“Yea…" I just looked at him in silence, there was something familiar about him. “Can I help you?”

 

 I could see a woman in the background. Going in and out of different rooms.

 

“Oh, well I um just have something to drop off to you.” I said.

 

“What?”

 

“This.” I said coldly as I punched him hard, clear across his face.

 

His nose was bleeding and I didn’t care. I kept punching and kicking him, I felt like my father had possessed my body. I all of a sudden became him, my punches and kicks were harder than ever. I lost all control. I had thrown him against the wall several times. He even got a few licks in and when I realized what I was doing, I didn’t mean to do it, but I wasn’t sorry. The guy was coughing up blood, I heard a woman screaming at me and pushing me.

 

“Leave him alone! Leave him alone!” she kept squealing.

 

I stopped and just looked at her. Then I grabbed her by her collar and shoved her against the wall.

 

“What was in the juice?” I asked trying not to loose control because she was a female.

 

“What are you talk---.” She said. I started to choke the bitch.

 

“Don’t play dumb, you know exactly what juice I’m talking about.” I said trying hard not to loose my temper.

 

She didn’t say anything, temper lost. I choked her a little harder, and then she decided to speak. I let her go and she dropped to the floor. She started to cough and she couldn’t breathe. I threw a half empty water bottle at her that was sitting on the table. She quickly picked it up and drank a little from it. While she coughed a little bit I asked her again

 

“What was in the juice?”

 

“Lysol…” She coughed. “I used the purple one, I put it in with grape juice. I told her that it was vitamin juice.” She said trying to catch her breath.

 

I just looked at her. I couldn’t believe what I had heard.

 

“You hit women! You’re a coward! ” she yelled. I pinned her up against the wall.

 

“Bitch, don’t you ever say that to me again! You’re not even a person, poisoning little girls?!” I screamed. “You are trash and you don’t deserve to be called human. You’re a little girl yourself!”

 

I was instantly pissed so I had to try really hard to restrain myself from choking this bitch to death. I couldn’t hold it so I took my anger out on Daniel. He tried to get up and I kicked him right back down. I felt tired and started to walk towards the door. Before I walked out I turned to look at them. The lady that Secret calls Devil, was crying in the corner looking at me.

 

“Shut the hell up, what are you crying for? You’re not the one in the hospital, yet…” I said sarcastically. Daniel was still on the floor, coughing and trying to get up. The lady crawled over to him. I ran my fingers through my hair and started to count and take deep breaths.

 

“If…she were my own daughter, you two….would be fucking dead.” I said trying to catch my breath as I turned and limped a little down the hallway. I got into my car and drove off back to the hospital. I was extremely angry. I had to pull over twice to calm down. I know I have my father’s temper, but I had never in my entire life let it get this bad and posses. I surprised myself, my papa was a mad man.

 

Who knows what kind of things I’m capable of, but all because of this little girl? Why do I care so much about her? Why am I so protective of her? I ask myself these questions everyday since i met her. For some strange reason, she’s always on my mind. Am I pedophile? I asked myself once. Hell no, that’s sick! Then why do I find myself thinking of her? I would respond.

 

Then out of no where, as I was in a slight traffic jam, I looked up and saw a billboard for some jewelry that said “There’s a girl in your life, and you love her! Get her gift today!” And then I realized: I do love her, I love her a lot. My heart began to soften, and I returned to “Miguel”. I started to go through the memories of Secret and I. How she’d call me a stalker daily. Her laugh, her smile, her beautiful eyes, and her personality. It all made me smile.

 

Then I knew what I wanted and needed to do, make her mine. I don’t have children, and I would be more than happy to take care of her. But I want to ask her first, to see if she would like the same... I don’t want to force anything on her and make her feel uncomfortable. When I got back to the hospital, I scurried to go into Secret’s room. All of a sudden, her doctor stopped me and said we needed to talk.

 

“What happened to you?” he asked me. I didn't respond, I was too excited to tell him my news.

 

“Wait, may I go first? I would like to adopt her, I don’t want to see her in a foster home. And i don't care how long it would take.” I said trying to catch my breath.

 

“Oh, well um, that may be a problem…” he said pausing. I looked at him with a disappointed and confused face.

 

“Why?”

 

“Well, her…mother is here…” he said.

 

“Mother?” I repeated softly. I thought she didn't have one.

 

“Yes, she arrived a few minutes after you left. She insists on taking Secret home after we release her.” he said sympathetically. “Well, didn't you know she had one? You are her teacher right?”

 

“Yes but I never knew her. Secret told me she didn't have one.” I answered.

 

“Well, would you like to meet her?”

 

“…Sure.” I said a little disappointed.

 

We walked quietly to Secret’s room. When we walked in, a woman was sitting on Secret’s bed and stroking her hair as she was sleeping. She was humming a song, it sounded like Hush little baby. My mother used to sing me that when I was small.

 

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word…mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird…” she softly sang out loud. Secret was asleep, but you could tell she was listening.

 

“Ms. Reevis…I would like you to meet Mr. Rodriguez, Secret’s teacher.” Dr. Pollum introduced.

 

She turned with a smile to look at me. But she froze completely and her smile faded. I returned the glare as she looked familiar.

 

“He was an excellent caregiver to your daughter.” He said. She didn't respond to him.

 

“…T…Tamar?” I asked softly.

 

“Miguel?” she asked.

 

“Oh, you two already know each other.” Dr. Pollum smiled.

 

“Look at you…y…you look beautiful.” I complimented.

 

“...Thank you.” She replied with a straight face.

 

“Oh yes, very.” Dr. Pollum added.

 

We both looked at him. “…I’ll um…leave you two alone. Oh  and Mr. Rodriguez, Ms. Marie went to get some food.”

 

“Alright.” I nodded.

 

“So…you’re a teacher?” she asked smiling. “I am too….well I’m a daycare's assistant.” She said with a smile.

 

“That’s very nice.” I said softly. “So, this is your daughter?” I asked.

 

“Yes…” she answered and looked down. It was quiet for a minute. Leelah walked in with some Popeyes. She handed Tamar a Strawberry soda.

 

“Here you go honey.” She said as she passed her the drink.

 

“Thank you.” Tamar said. I kept glaring at her before she finally turned her back to me.

 

“Is she your only one?” I asked her. There was silence.

 

“Tamar…” I said sternly. She turned slightly but did not look at me.

 

“Tamar, don’t ignore me.” I warned.

 

“What?” She said confused.

 

“You heard me the first time. Is she your only child?” I asked again.

 

Leelah just looked at us both confused. Secret started to move a little, as a sign of waking up. I gently grabbed Tamar by the arm and pulled her into the hallway and away from the door.

 

“What are you doing!? Stop it!” she said frantically as she yanked her arm away and backed up a little.

 

“Is she the only kid you have?” I asked sternly. She just looked at me, like she was scared to speak.

 

“Is she the only one?!” I yelled. Her eyes became slightly watery.

 

She moved her mouth a little but no words came out. I started walking towards her slowly and she slowly backed away until she hit a wall and couldn’t move away anymore.

 

“Why so nervous?” I asked.

 

I placed one hand on the wall near her head and the other on my hip as I made complete eye contact, she hates it.

 

“I…I’m not nervous…” she replied.

 

“Really? So, is she… the only… one?” I asked extremely frustrated.

 

“Yes! Yes, She is the only one, would you like to know anything else?!” she asked sarcastically.

 

I looked down and then back at her. “…Is…Is she mine?” I asked quietly.

 

“Yes…” she answered quietly after a few seconds. I slowly backed away from her, not releasing my eye contact until I turned and sat down on the bench.  So did she but on the other end and we were quiet for a while.

 

Secret:

 

I just woke up and I feel like shit. And who is this touching me? Oh… that’s Ms. Marie.

 

“Hi Secret, how ya feeling?” She asked.

 

“Good.” I answered.

 

It was quiet for a minute. I had a dream with someone singing to me. But the person didn't have a face. But I felt comfortable and I loved her voice. I never have normal dreams.

 

“Can I call you Leelah?” I asked. She giggled and asked why. “It’s pretty, your whole name is cute. Leelah Marie, I like it.” I smiled.

 

“Oh thank you…and sure, you can call me Leelah, only outside of school though.” She said. “I like your name too...how'd you ever get a name like that?” she asked.

 

“I don’t know, Daniel said its because I got a lot of secrets behind me. I think he was just kidding though.”

 

I answered. Her smile kinda faded but then she forced it back. “Can I get you anything?” she asked.

 

“Yea, can you find my doctor please? I need to ask him some thing.”

 

“Oh, um sure…” she said as she stood up. “I’ll be back.” 

 

After a few minutes a nurse came in and pulled the little curtain divider back and revealed a boy on the other side. He looked a few years older than me, and I didn’t even know he was here. After the nurse got him situated and left he looked over at me.

 

“Hey…” he said.

 

“Sup.” I responded.

 

“What you in for?” he asked.

 

“I have no idea, I was at school, and woke up here.” I answered.

 

“How about you?” I asked.

 

“Dad burned me with his cigarette, and then my mom pushed me down the stairs….all because I didn’t take out the trash right away.” He answered with a scoff.

 

“Oh….well that sucks…” 

 

“Not really, we only have like 6 steps.”

 

“Apparently enough to knock you out and send you to the hospital…” I said giggling.

 

He laughed a little bit.

 

“How old are you?” he asked.

 

“I’m 9. I’ll be 10 on April 1st.” I explained.

 

“Hey, my birthday’s April 2nd. I’ll be 12.” He said with a smile.

 

“I’m Secret, Secret Stone.” 

 

“I’m Elliot, Elliot Jones.” He smiled back.

 

“Nice to meet you Ms. Stone.”

 

“Nice to meet you too Mr. Jones.” I smiled back.

 

I liked him. He was different, not like the other kids. He kind of reminded me of Carlos. 

 

“I’m not stayin here though…hospitals creep me out…and they smell like old people.” Eliot announced.

 

“I agree. I was thinking about breaking out of here. I don’t like hospitals.” I said flatly.

 

“Yea I mean, why keep us here, we feel alright, so why not let us go home?” he asked.

 

“I know right. I’m gonna ask my doctor if I can leave. And if he says no, then I’m leaving anyway.” I said.

 

“Then I’m coming with you. They took my parents away…I don’t give a damn what they say, I’m not goin to no foster home.” He said stubbornly as he folded his arms.

 

“I can live on my own. I got a job too, I work under the table at a grocery store.” He said. I just looked at him.

 

“….You work under tables?” I asked.

 

He laughed a little bit. “Noo, that means I’m working there secretly. Because I’m too young to work, you have to be 16 to get a job.” He explained while giggling.

 

“Oh, makes sense…I think.” I said.

 

“Yea…they sending you to a foster home?” he asked.

 

“Um...I don’t know. But I can live on my own too. I’ve done it before.” I answered trying to impress him.

 

 “Oh…cool."

 

It was quiet before a woman walked in.

 

“Hello you two.” She greeted.

 

We both looked at each other and then back to her. “Hi…” we both said dryly.

 

“Elliot, I’m Mrs. Carmichael, your social worker.” She explained. “I’ll be finding you a good home.”

 

“I’m not going to a foster home. I want to go to my home.” He shot back.

 

“Oh honey, you have no choice. You’re just a little boy and you need someone to take care of you.” she said while smiling and fixing up the room.

 

“I can take care of myself!” he said sternly.

 

She pinched him on the cheek and shook it. “Oh I bet you can sweetie.” She giggled as she strolled out of the room. “Be back later darlings.”

 

“You see that shit? Screw her, I aint goin to no foster home!” He exclaimed.

 

“I see. Don’t look like you’ve got much of a choice though.” I said.

 

“Yea…I guess...I'll cooperate for now, then I'll break free soon.” he replied.

 

Tamar:

 

My heart is beating so fast. I don’t know what to say to him. I want to comfort him but I know that he’s angry and won’t let me. I don’t know what to do.

 

“Why’d you take her from me?” he asked without looking at me.

 

“…I don’t know…Miguel…” I replied quietly.

 

He looked at me before looking straight ahead. “You do know…”

 

“…Miguel…I don’t want to talk about th---.” I started to say.

 

He jumped up and yelled “You don't wan't to talk about what? This isn't just about you! Why did you take her from me?! You knew that I loved her!”

 

People looked over at us. Tears filled my eyes as I just looked at him.

 

He grabbed both of my arms, pulled me close. “Why?”

 

“I didn’t try to take her…” I choked out.

 

“What the hell does that mean?” he asked still holding onto my arms, gradually squeezing them harder.

 

“I didn’t want to…” I said trying not to cry. He just looked at me, right into my eyes. “…Miguel, you’re hurting me.” I whimpered.

 

He continued to look at me for a minute then he let go. “Why did you take her then?” he asked sternly.

 

“…Daniel made me…” I answered avoiding his eyes. And…h…he was the one who burned your house down.”

 

“And you let him…” he said. It sounded more like a statement than a question.

 

“He said...if I took her, he would give me drugs. I asked what he wanted her for. He told me it was just a dare and if I did it, I could have the drugs.” He didn’t say a word, he just glared at me. “I…I brought her back a few days later, and I saw your house burned down to the ground. Right then I knew Daniel had done it.” I explained. Not a word. “Miguel, you know that I wouldn’t just get up and take Secret from you, I wanted what was best for her and I knew you loved her.” I said.

 

“You wanted what was best?” he scoffed.

 

“Yes, that’s why I brought her back! I was on drugs but my mind wasn't completely lost.... I asked people that lived around there have they seen you and they said you were gone, you just…left.” I explained. He just looked at me.

 

“Well, what the hell was I supposed to do Tamar? Everything I worked for, gone, destroyed, and ruined….was I supposed to stick around and be depressed?” he asked sarcastically. I just looked down.

 

“You are so irresponsible…” he scoffed.

 

“Irresponsible?” I asked.

 

“Yes, first you let a man bribe you into stealing your own daughter…that’s kidnapping Tamar.” He said.

 

“Second, you just get up and leave her with a man who can’t be trusted and you don’t tell either of them where you’re going, thir---.”

 

“I can trust him!” I interrupted. He just gave me a confusing look.

 

“Oh, you can trust him?” he said with a hard stare.

 

“Yes.” I answered.

 

“How Tamar? I’m just dying to hear this one.” He said smiling sarcastically.

 

“Daniel loves her.” I said. He gave me a blank expression.

 

“He loves her?” he said with a disgusted face.

 

 “Yes, he does.” I said. He started laughing sarcastically, as he ran his fingers through his hair and talked to himself in Spanish.

 

“Tamar...I should just slap you right now. But I won't because there are too many people here and I don't feel like being locked up tonight.” I just looked at him.

 

“So you want to slap me?” I asked.

 

“I'm really trying not to." He started pacing back and fourth.

 

He started speaking Spanish and then quickly turned around to face me and grabbed me by my arms again.

 

“He loves her?!” he asked.

 

“Yes.” I answered.

 

“Are we talking about the same kid? If he loves her so damn much, what the fuck is she doing here, is this his way of showing love?!?” he asked. I didn’t understand his question. He started shaking me.

 

“Do you know that your fucking kid is in here because of him, huh do you know that?” he yelled.

 

“What are you talking---.” I started to ask.

 

“He’s been abusing her! That’s love? Is that fucking love Tamar?!?” he yelled.

 

“If you think it is, you have one fucked up mind!” I just looked at him.

 

“Oh, you still don’t understand?” he asked with a smile. “He is abusing Secret! You know, your daughter…my kid, he’s poisoning our fucking child! She wears sweaters every single day since you’ve been gone! She doesn’t even have a name, people call her sweaters, that’s her goddamn name to other people!” he screamed.

 

People had stopped what they were doing and watched us.

 

“What the hell are you all looking at, mind your business.” He told them.

 

I went and sat down on the bench. I had no idea that was why she was here, I didn't really think aboutit honestly. Daniel told me she was sick. And I started to cry. I felt betrayed and lost. How could I have been so stupid? I can’t believe this at all. Miguel went to cool himself down in a corner. After a few long minutes, he came and sat next to me.

 

“Look Tamar, I…I’m sorry I yelled at you but I just needed to tell you the tr---.” He said softly.

 

“…I trusted him.” I interrupted quietly as I looked straight ahead in a daze.

 

“…Why?” he asked softly. I just shook my head gently. “…Why did you leave?” he asked curiously. I just looked at him and then down.

 

“I left to get clean.” I answered simply.

 

“So you just left her, and you didn’t say anything to anyone?” he asked accusingly.

 

“I’m not stupid ok! I left her there for a reason!” I yelled. He just glared at me.

 

“And what reason is that Tamar?” he asked.

 

“He was the only one I trusted with her!” I shouted.

 

“Why?!” he yelled back.

 

“Because, he fucking loved her!” I screamed frustrated with tears down my face. He looked at me shaking his head slowly. “You should have seen him with her! They played all the time, they laughed, he bought her stuff and they spent time together! He’d take her to the park, buy her ice-cream and everything!” I screamed as I wiped my tears. “And even though he drank, he wouldn't drink in front of her, he always went into a different room.” I said softly. Miguel just looked at me.

 

“I…I was the one who was a total mess…” I said as my words drifted. He looked at me in confusion. I squeezed my hair as I started to cry. “Miguel…” I whimpered as tears ran down my face.

 

“…what?” he answered aggressively.

 

“I…I almost…sold Secret when she was 4. It was a few weeks before her birthday, and if Daniel hadn’t stopped me I… we…wouldn’t have her at all.” I said as I broke down and cried. Miguel looked at me and wiped a tear that was sliding down his cheek. “How does someone else take care of your child better than you do? I didn’t even trust myself with her…so I left her.” I said trying to calm myself down. “I wanted what was best for my baby…I wanted to get clean and fix everything, like Daniel did. Daniel was going to rehab and he had got himself a steady job…he was making good money. He bought food and clothes for us both. He even started to be more sober than usual. He even tried going a whole year being sober.” I said drying my tears.

 

“I wanted to do that, be like him…so after they went to bed I packed my things. I took my locket with her baby picture and put it around her neck when she was asleep. I prayed that she wouldn’t forget me…and then I left. I moved to Tennessee with a friend. She was a nurse and she helped me get clean. I went to rehab everyday so I could get my life together…to get Secret back. And ever since then I’ve never ever touched another drug. I was in night school, and some classes . And now I’m a pre-school teacher, well the assistant.” I explained. Miguel gave me a comforting look. “Miguel, I promise you, I never knew what he was doing to her I swear. If I knew I wouldn’t have left her with him. He was my only choice; we had no other family I could give her to…” I said whimpering.

 

“…It’s ok Tamar…I know you didn’t know.” He said softly as he sat next to me. “I’m Sorry I yelled at you.”

 

I wiped my face and turned slightly to face him. “He…he poisoned her?” I asked. I had just noticed he had said that earlier. I didn’t want to believe it.

 

“…the girl he’s with…Divine or something…she did it…but Daniel let her.” He said disappointed.

 

“Shelia…” I said looking ahead.

 

“She put Lysol in it, told Secret it was vitamin juice.” He explained. I got up and started to walk towards the hospital doors.

 

“Tamar, where are you going?” he asked as he ran after me and grabbed my hand.

 

“I um, have to see some people.” I said quickly as I tried to walk out the doors again. He ran after me again and grabbed my hand again. “To who at this hour?” he asked. I just looked at him as my eyes became watery and a desperate tear slithered down my cheek.

 

“Oh...you don’t have to do that.” he said almost giggling as he pulled me close and hugged me tightly. “I already took care of it.” He said satisfied.

 

I pulled away just a little to look at him. That explains the slight scratch on his cheek and a small bruise on his arm. His eyes sparkled as a warm smile came across his face. I had forgotten how handsome he was. His beautiful eyes, his long black hair…everything. His hugs were the same, so full of love and comfort. I felt…safe with him. We continued to look into each others eyes. And for the first time, I didn’t feel scared to make eye contact with him. He was one of the main people I was afraid to do it with. It’s like when he looks into your eyes, he knows all of your secrets. His smile slowly faded away and he looked at me. We glared at each other and then slowly he leaned in and tried to kiss me.

 

I turned my head so he would miss. He looked at me disappointed. “Miguel…I just want you to know, that I never cheated on you.” I said softly. He looked at me and a touch of doubt went across his face. “Honest…Daniel and I were never a couple.”

 

“If you were never a couple, then how come you were always with him…?” he asked coldly. I didn’t respond.  “I remember now. I drove you away didn’t I?” he asked guiltily.

 

“No, Miguel you didn’t---.” I started saying.

 

“I did didn’t I? I drove you away from me, after you had the baby. We were struggling and we needed help…and I just…” he said hysterically.

 

“No, no Miguel I was just tired. I just had a baby and the only money we had coming in was from Daniel.” I explained. He just looked at me. “Daniel was my best friend and we had been friends since 7th grade. After I had Secret, I started to get depressed. Daniel constantly suggested that I…I try weed and finally I tried it and…it helped."

 

"I noticed you needed my help with the baby, so I stopped going over his house for it. But, I didn’t feel well afterwards so I went to get more from him but instead he had other stuff…and I took them. After a while I didn’t like the way I felt, or even looked, and my self esteem shot very low. So I took even more…until I became addicted and drove myself crazy. And I took Secret from you…I took everything from you…” I said as tears streamed down my face. Miguel hugged me and stroked my hair. I lifted up my head to look at him. “I…I am so sorry, Miguel.” I said trying not to cry again. He gently placed his hands on my cheeks. “It’s alright…” he said softly. And then he leaned forward to kiss me. I didn’t refuse this time.

 

His kiss was so warm and soft. I hadn’t had a kiss like this in so long. This coming from the guy who was just yelling at me? He just sparked up old feelings that I thought would never come back. The kiss was long and beautiful. I pulled away and looked at him. His eyes were full of lust. “I’m proud of you Tamar…” he whispered softly into my ear. He sounded so damn sexy. Temptation finally got the best of me and I kissed him back. It felt…so wonderful that I had forgotten where we even were or what we were arguing about.

 

Haha you don’t even know how bad I wanted to be alone with him. I just couldn’t believe after all these years, that I had found him. I pulled away to look at him. His face had sexual intentions all over it as he checked me out. I bit my bottom lip and started to lean forward for another kiss and then I stopped as I seen Leelah a few feet away. She just stood there and watched us with a disturbed facial expression. The look concerned me because I thought maybe something was wrong with Secret.

 

Miguel:

 

She is so goddamn beautiful! We’re in a public place and I needed to control my actions around her, but you don’t how hard that was. I was looking at her, and it was starting to stir up old feelings. But she was looking at something else.

 

“What?” I asked her.

 

She let me go and backed away a bit. “Is something wrong with Secret?” She asked.

 

But I don’t think she was asking me. I looked at her confused.

 

“What, Tamar what are you talking about?” I asked.

 

“Leelah, what’s wrong with her?” she asked.

 

“Leelah?” I repeated as I turned around to see her just a few feet away with watery eyes.

 

She just looked at me and Tamar and then she turned around and walked out of the hospital.

 

“Shit…” I said to myself.

 

“Leelah, wait please!” I yelled after her. “

 

Wait Miguel, what’s wrong?” Tamar asked while grabbing my hand.

 

I just looked at her and then towards the doors where Leelah walked out.

 

“Tamar, I’ll be back, ok? Just go and um check on Secret ok, go ahead.” I said as I started walking out of the hospital looking for Leelah.

 

“Leelah, Leelah please wait!” I said chasing behind her. I finally caught up to her and grabbed her by her arm.

 

“Leelah what’s wrong?” I asked.

 

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!? You want to know what’s wrong?” she yelled. “What the hell was that Miguel? Tell me, what was it!?” she screamed.

 

“Leelah, what was what?” She didn’t say a word. “Leelah…” I said trying to figure her out.

 

“Her! Why were you kissing her?” she said as silent tears ran down her face.

 

“I…I just---.” I started to say.

 

“How do you even know each other?” she asked. I didn't respond. “Tell me!” she screamed desperately as she pushed me. I stumbled back a bit.

 

“…She’s my ex…” I said softly.

 

“Your ex?” she sighed.

 

“Yes.” I said softly. It was quiet for a minute. “....and Secret is my daughter…” Silence.

 

“What did you say?” she asked finally with piercing eyes.

 

“She’s mine...Secret is my baby. I just found out.” I repeated.

 

“…Oh my god…” she said as she put her hands over her face and paced back and fourth. “Well, how do you know?” she asked. “She could be lyi---.”

 

“Tamar was a virgin, and Secret is her only child…..I know she’s mine.” I explained.

 

“Well…I’m very happy for you, but that doesn’t explain why you kissed her…” she said.

 

I just looked at her and then ahead. “There is no explanation. It just happened.” I answered. “Why do you care?” I asked out of curiosity.

 

“I don’t.” She said stubbornly.

 

“You don’t? Hmm, seems like you did a few minutes ago…” I said almost giggling. She folded her arms and walked away a little bit.

 

“…Leelah, you like me, don’t you?”

 

“No…maybe….I don’t know.” She answered.

 

“Well then, think about it and let me know soon.” I said with a smile as I looked at her.

 

She smiled back and turned away from me to look ahead. “When are you going to tell her…that you’re her father?” she asked.

 

Damn, I didn’t even think about that. “I’m not sure…” I answered. It was quiet for a moment. I sat on one of the benches outside the hospital and she continued to stand.

 

“You really love Secret, don’t you…before you found out?” she asked.

 

“…Yes…she was all I thought about.” I answered. Leelah finally came and sat down next to me. “If she would have died, I would probably lose my mind.” I admitted.

 

“What are you guys going to do about Secret?” she asked.

 

“What do you mean?” I asked.

 

“Well, who’s going to have custody?” she asked. Damn, I haven’t thought about that either.

 

“I don’t know, I’ll discuss it with Tamar later on tonight.” I answered.

 

“She lives out here?” she asked.

 

“I have no idea.” I admitted.

 

“We’ll try to work it out. You don’t have to be a part of this, if you don’t want to.” I told her. She held my hand.

 

“I want to.”

 

“I just want this all to be over soon.” I sighed.

 

Secret:

 

I don’t feel too good.  A woman just walked in.

 

“I brought you some water, baby.” She announced. She sat in the chair next to me and handed the water to me. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

 

“I’m ok.” I said.

 

We sat in silence for a minute. She smiled at me, something about her was familiar. Elliot kept grinning at me.

 

“Hi, I'm Elliot.” He smiled at her.

 

“Hi Elliot, I'm Tamar.”

 

Tamar? I just kept looking at her. Her face, her eyes, her body. Examining each feature like someone at an art gallery. I kept replaying her voice in my head. It sounded so much like the woman's voice in my dream. Was she the woman from my dream? Am I still dreaming? Man... I'm trippin. I just kept starring at her.

 

She looked at me and smiled and reached for my hand and held it. At that moment, I knew exactly who she was. I didn't know what or how to feel. I didn't react. Does she know me? Does she know I know its her? Mixed emotions started to creep in one bye one. First relief, then pain and sadness, then finally anger. An anger I couldn't keep in, it was eating me up and I couldn't hold on to it anymore. So much that I felt myself grow very hot and uncomfortable. Mr. Rodriguez and Leelah had just walked in.

 

“Hi Secret, how are you feeling?” he asked while stroking my hair.

 

“Peachy.” I said sarcastically not once taking my eyes off of my mom.

 

“Hi, Ms. Marie, are you ok?” Tamar asked.

 

“I’m fine.” She answered with a forced smile as she walked over to get her coat.

 

“Are you sure, I saw you---.” Tamar said.

 

“I’m just fine. Goodnight Secret.” She interrupted and slammed the door on her way out.

 

What’s up her ass? I thought to myself. Tamar looked at Mr. Rodriguez and he looked away.

 

“Why’d you come back?” I asked her.

 

“Well...I came back for you, baby.” I said nothing. “Mommy just wasn’t herself when she was around so she ha---.”

 

“I’m not little…I can understand you…” I corrected. “Ok...I’m sorry but I just had to leave.”

 

“You didn’t have to leave, you wanted to.” I said.

 

It was quiet and Mr. Rodriguez looked at me.

 

“…Yes but, I had a very good reason to leave.”

 

“It don’t matter, you left and didn’t tell anybody…you should have stayed where you were.” I said coldly, feeling the flames inside of me grow bigger and hotter.

 

“Secret…” Mr. Rodriguez said sternly while giving me the “Watch it.” Look.

 

“Secret, my ass! You left me! You don’t care about me!” I yelled.

 

“Baby I do care about you that's why I lef---.” She tried to explain.

 

“Bullshit!! What's in it for you? Huh? Did Daniel promise to give you more drugs if you took me away?.” I asked as I felt my eyes become a little watery but I fought them back immediately. “You just don’t come waltzing back in my fucking life thinking everything’s alright because it’s not!” I screamed.

 

She was quiet for a second and looked at me with a shocked expression. “Now wait a minute, you watch your damn tone with me!” she yelled. That kind of caught my attention, so I sat back in my bed.

 

Mr. Rodriguez just placed one of his hands on her arm.

 

“Now, you watch yourself missy, I am still your mother and you will respect me, do you understand?” she asked . I could tell she was pissed. I just looked at her and folded my arms.

 

“Secret, answer your mother.” Mr. Rodriguez warned while starring me down.

 

She got close and leaned her face closer to mines. “I asked you a question…do you understand?” she repeated.

 

“No, I do not…because you are not my mother…” I said coldly. Mr. Rodriguez looked at me in shock.

 

Tamar backed away a bit without taking her glare off of me. “…I don’t even remember what my mom looks like…you could be anybody.” I said firmly. “My mommy was pretty like you…not as pretty though. She shook and rocked herself a lot. She cried a lot too, she was always sad…” I said looking off into space.

 

It was quiet in the room. I looked at Tamar. She looked heartbroken and her eyes looked like they were going to become watery. The nurse came in and announced that visiting hours were over. We kept each others stares.

 

“You are not my mom...and visiting hours are over.” I said flatly wiping a fallen tear from my face. A single tear drooled down her face.

 

She went and got her coat and her suitcase off the chair, looked at me and walked out of the room.

 

“Tamar…” Mr. Rodriguez said as he tried to stop her but she closed the door on him. He turned around to face me. His face said he was very shocked.

 

“I am very disappointed in you.” he said sternly. “That was very uncalled for…that’s your own mother!”

 

“She’s not my mother!” I yelled.

 

“How can you say th---?” he tried saying.

 

“What do you care for? You’re not my dad! Get out!” I interrupted. He just looked at me. “Get out! Get the fuck out! Get out, get out! Visiting hours are over!” I screamed. I threw the TV remote at him and it hit him in the chest. I started to get hostile and the pulse machine thing got faster.

 

I got louder and angrier.

 

“Secret!” Mr. Rodriguez yelled trying to catch my attention. “Secret, calm down!” he yelled. I started going nuts. I got to my knees on my bed and was finding things to throw. “Secret calm down!” he kept yelling. Soon, a bunch of nurses came in and tried to hold me down. They finally did and one nurse gave me a shot in my arm.

 

“You bitch, that fucking hurts!” I screamed.

 

“Oh, you’ll be fine Honey.” She replied. I started to scream with tears streaming down my face. I finally calmed down a bit and just cried for a minute. One nurse tried to escort Mr. Rodriguez out of the room.

 

"What's wrong with her?" he asked concerned. 

 

She didn't answer him. She handed him his coat and tried pushing him out of the room. She finally got him into the hallway.

 

“What’s happening?” he asked alarmed.

 

“It's a reaction from the medicine we gave her earlier. She's just a bit delirious. Making her act wild that's all.

 

“What did they just inject her with?” he asked curiously.

 

“It’ll calm her down, have a nice evening.” She said with a smile as she shut the door in his face.

 

Miguel:

 

“…Ok, then.” I said to myself as I walked away.

 

I walked out of the hospital and saw Tamar sitting on one of the benches crying. I put my coat on and sat next to her. She dried her face but didn’t speak.

 

“You ok?” I asked her.

 

“I’m fine.” She sighed.

 

“Everything will be fine Tamar, sooner or later.” I reassured.

 

“I feel so bad.”

 

“Don’t.” I said softly.

 

“No, she’s right…I’m a terrible mother…I don’t deserve her back.” She said whimpering.

 

“Don’t say that, you’re a good mother. Or least your'e trying to be." I said outloud. She looked up at me. "Secret just doesn’t understand yet, she's just a baby…she will soon.” I said trying to release the awkward moment.

 

“Yea, I guess.” She said drying a tear that crept out of her eyes.

 

“How are we going to tell her?” I asked.

 

"Tell her what?"

 

"Well, that I'm her father."

 

 “I have no idea….maybe she’s better off not knowing.” She answered.

 

I looked at her. “I want her to know.” I said firmly.

 

She looked at me and looked away. “Tamar I’m serious….I want her to know.” I said.

 

“I know you are. I know you very well.” She said softly. It was quiet for a minute.

 

“Where do you live?” I asked. “Indiana.” She answered. “Damn.” I said shocked.

 

“My plan was to take Secret and leave. I didn’t expect all of this at all.” She explained. “Luckily I brought clothes. I had a feeling I was going to have to stay.”

 

“Where are you staying?” I asked.

 

“Well I was gonna stay at Daniel's house if I had to. But given our current situation, I don’t know. I can find myself a hotel or something, I’ll be fine.” She smiled. She got up and looked down at me. A cab had just pulled up in front of us.

 

“I’d better get going and find one before it gets too late, goodnight Miguel.” She smiled as she picked up her suitcase and purse. I watched her walk towards it before stopping her.

 

 “Tamar…” I called after her. She turned around to look at me.

 

“Yes?” I opened my mouth to say something and nothing came out.

 

“What?” she asked softly. There was dead silence. “Haha, Miguel I have to go.” She giggled as she walked away.

 

“Wait, Tamar please…” I said finally. She stopped and turned around.

 

“What is it?” she asked with a smile. Nothing came out.

 

“Miguel, stop playin.” She giggled. I stood up and walked towards her.

 

“…Stay with me.” I said softly. She just looked at me in confusion.

 

“Excuse me, what?” she asked.

 

“Stay with me Tamar…” I repeated.

 

“Oh…um no I couldn’t possib---.”

 

“I insist.” I interrupted. She just looked at me in disbelief.

 

“Miguel, that’s very sweet of you but I can’---.”

 

“Please…” I cut her off as I reached for her hand. “Stay with me.”

 

She looked at me for a few seconds in silence. “Oh.... Miguel, that’s very sweet of you but I just can’t.”

 

“Why not?” I asked.

 

“I just can’--.”

 

“Tamar, please…stay.” I interrupted while smiling. "You don't have to stay in a sleezy motel."

 

 She looked at me unsure of herself and then smiled. “Fine, but  just for tonight.”

 

“Two nights.” I smiled.

 

“One.” She said trying not to giggle.

 

“Three nights.” I suggested.

 

“No, just one.” She said smiling.

 

“Four nights.” I said giggling as I walked away from her and  signaled to the cab driver that we wouldn't be needing his services anymore.

 

“Fine, two nights.” She said laughing as she grabbed my arm to stop me.

 

I looked at her with admiration. The mother of my child...my daughter. I don't know why exactly, after everything she's put me through, I still have a soft spot for her.

 

  “…Until Secret gets out of the hospital.” I said firmly.

 

“Ok…until Secret gets out.” She finally said with a smile.

 

I smiled back at her and told her to follow me to my car. I helped her put her suitcase in the trunk. When we arrived at my house I helped her get her suitcase out of the car and went to unlock and open the front door. I went inside but Tamar continued to stand outside. She just stood there looking at my house.

 

“Um…are you…coming in?” I asked laughing a bit.

 

 “Oh, I um was just…just trying to recognize your house.” She said. 

 

“Oh…well um come in any time…I guess.” I said laughing.

 

She smiled sheepishly and quickly followed me in. I dropped the bags down and I took both of our coats and hung them up.

 

“You want something to drink?” I offered.

 

“No, thank you.” she smiled.

 

“Alright, well I’ll show you upstairs to your room.” I said with a smile. I grabbed her suitcase for her and she had her purse. We trotted upstairs until we reached the guestroom. I set the suitcase down on the floor.

 

“It’s lovely Miguel…thank you.” she smiled as she set her purse down on the stool. 

 

“You’re welcome…y…you want me to show you the rest of the house?” I asked courteously.

 

“Sure.” She said.

 

“Well next door is the bathroom…obviously.” I said opening it. She giggled. “Around this corner here is another bedroom. But I paint in there. And over here is my room.” I said pointing to the first room you can see when you reach the top of the stairs.

 

Tamar walked over to it. She stopped in the doorway and rested her head on the door frame. “It’s…big.” She laughed. I walked and stood next to her with my arms folded.

 

“Silk…you have taste.” She said referring to my bed set.

 

“Thanks, it's very soft…it relaxes me.” I said slightly smiling and looking at it.

 

 “I bet it does…you still have that temper of yours.” She said looking at me. I just looked down. It was quiet for about a minute.

 

“The window is beautiful…the view must be…amazing.” She said as she walked towards the circular window on the left side of my bed.

 

“Si…I love to watch the sun come up over the trees…it’s beautiful.” I said as I walked over with my hands behind my back.

 

“Should have known…coming from an artist.” She smiled. “You still do it?” she asked still looking out of the window.

 

“Yea…I have a studio. I’m there all the time.” I said.

 

“Can I see your studio one day?” she asked. 

 

“Sure…you and Secret sound the same when ask that question.” I smiled as I looked down.

 

“She’s seen it already?”

 

“Yea…she came to see me almost every day.” I smiled.

 

“I’m not surprised. Secret loves art…she always has, ever since she was little.” She said looking out of the window. “She was constantly making and drawing things. She drew things for me all the time. I still have one that she made me when she was about four or five…it’s my favorite.”

 

“…May I see it?” I asked curiously.

 

“Sure…” she smiled. “It’s in my bag, I’ll go get it.” She walked past me to go into the hall. I followed but stopped in my doorway.

 

“…Tamar…” I called after her. She stopped and turned around. “Are you…wearing perfume?” I asked.

 

“Yes…are you allergic?” she asked alarmed as she walked away.

 

 “No, it just smells familiar. I think someone I knew used to wear it.” I explained.

 

“Oh, it’s made from like rose water and something else. Almond oil I think. I like how it smells. I don’t know what it’s called, bottle doesn’t have a name on it and it was given to me without the box.” She said as she came back with a piece of notebook paper in her hand.

 

She handed it to me and as I unfolded the paper, it revealed a flower in the middle of it. It had five pink petals with a capital purple letter in each one. It spelled out “TAMAR”. The stem was blue with yellow leaves. There were green clouds floating above and they rained letters over it that spelled out “I love you.” The rest of it had red and orange hearts all over the background, with her name signed at the bottom.

 

“She has a wonderful imagination.” I said smiling as I examined it more. 

 

“Yea…two years ago, someone at the rehab center put something in the microwave that didn’t belong…and it exploded and caught fire. I was in the kitchen looking at this picture. I wasn’t in the room at the time and I left it on the table. I came back, and the kitchen was in flames. They evacuated the building but I ran back inside to get the picture. Fortunately, I got to it before the flames did. My therapist was kind of mad at me for that.” She giggled. “But it meant a lot to me…it lets me know she loved me…at least once, at some point.” She said sadly as she walked back towards the window and glared out of it. 

 

“You know, I honestly think Secret really believes you’re not her mother…” I said trying not to sound cruel.

 

She snapped her head up and her eyes darted at me. She looked like she wanted to hurt me.

 

“…I mean…you don’t look or act like the mother she knows. She’s even said herself…she doesn’t remember what you even look like…maybe with this picture, you could jog her memory…let her know it’s really you and that you love her.” I said with a weak smile. I was trying to be serious without seeming like an asshole.

 

“…Miguel, I don’t think that will wor--.” She started to say.

 

“Trust me…it will work.” I said with a smile as I handed the drawing back to her. She smiled at me and went to put the picture back in her bag. We both stood in the hallway. “You want me to show you around some more?” I asked.

 

“No, thanks. I think I’ll just take a shower and maybe go to bed. It’s late.” She said smiling.

 

“Well, alright…I’ll do the same.” I said with a smile.

 

“Oh, you can go ahead first, since it’s your house.” She offered.

 

“No, its ok…I have a bathroom in my room.” I answered laughing.

 

“Really, another one, where?” she asked. 

 

“The door that looks like a closet by my TV. I have three, there’s one downstairs next to the living room.” I said.

 

"Alright then.” She said as she backed up a bit. “Yea…um…oh, the towels are in the closet here.” I said pointing to the small closet in the bathroom.

 

“Oh, thanks.” She said.

 

There was a small awkward silence. “Well, goodnight.” She said nervously with a smile.

 

“Goodnight.” I said as kissed her on the cheek. I froze as I realized what I did. We both just looked at each other. “…I…I’m sorry…” I said as I backed away a bit.

 

“No, it’s…ok.” She said. She backed away into her room.

 

“Goodnight Miguel.” She said as she got behind the door and slowly closed it.

 

Tamar:

 

Wow that was awkward…but I liked it. I should have refused to come over. It’s just weird you know? First, we were yelling at each other…then, we were kissing each other and now, we’re living with each other. Love-hate. I turned the shower on, and got my body wash out of my bag. I heard Miguel turn his shower on and we both walked into the hall at the same time.

 

“I…was um...just… going downstairs…” he said as he nervously ran down the stairs.

 

I went back into the room to get my purple satin robe, and then I went and took my shower. The water felt amazing. It was warm and smooth against my skin. The steam made the air feel so fresh. When I got out, I dried off and put my green lace bra and panties on. Then I slipped my purple silk robe on, got my clothes and body wash and went back to the room. As I closed the door, I heard Miguel open his and go downstairs.

 

Miguel:

 

I need a drink. I’ve had a long day…a very long day. I deserve it. I had just gotten out of the shower and instead of changing clothes, I just wrapped a towel around my waist and headed toward the kitchen to treat myself to a glass of wine. That’s how bad I wanted it. I honestly deserve it, in my opinion. I got a wine glass out of the cabinet and popped open a bottle of red wine. I poured in the normal amount…then a little more…just a bit more…fuck it, I’m filling the glass up.

 

The flavor of it was indescribable… made directly from my father’s vineyard. It was smooth and rich down my throat. I had just remembered that I left my lotion in the mirror in the hall way bathroom. I drank a little more and then trotted upstairs to get it. I flicked on the light, grabbed the lotion out of the mirror and rubbed it in on my arms. After that, I put some on my legs and when I bent over I noticed a pair of turquoise panties on the floor by the vent.

Chapter Four: Lost Feelings

Tamar:

 

I put some lotion on and spayed a tiny bit of perfume. I gathered my clothes that I had just taken off and made sure I had everything. Damn…where’s my panties? I scuffled around looking for them and didn’t find them. I must have left them in the bathroom. I loosely tied up my robe and walked out of the room. When I went into the bathroom, I stopped in the doorway…just in time to see Miguel…examining them. What the hell? He turned around and had a surprised look on his face.

 

“This is…not…what it looks like.” He said as he put both hands into the air. The panties were in his right hand…which he quickly hid behind his back as he looked down.

 

“Um…those are mine...” I said pointing to them. He pulled them from behind his back and looked at them nervously.

 

“I know…they smell really nice.” He said as he handed them over. “…They’re dirty…” I said just looking at him.

 

“…I knew that….” he said starring at them.

 

He kept starring. I hid them in my hands. Then his eyes fixed on something else and he froze. He looked surprised.

 

“Miguel…?” I called. “Miguel….um…” I said looking down and then up at him. “Guelly.” I said trying to get his attention. There’s a name I haven’t used in a while. I finally got his attention, and he looked at me.

 

“Um…y…your towel…it's slipping.” I said looking away. Too late, the towel dropped and I had already turned back around. “Jesus…” I said as I just starred at it. “Oh, shit!” he said as he quickly picked up and wrapped the towel back around him. It fell again.

 

“Don’t look!” he scolded.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to!” I said as I quickly turned around.

 

“You kept looking!” he said embarrassed.

 

 “I thought you fixed it already!” I said as I covered my eyes and walked out of the bathroom into the hall.

 

“Ok…now I fixed it.” he said. I turned around to see him finally dressed but he stared at me. “What?” I asked curiously.

 

He pointed slightly at me. My robe was open, revealing just my underwear.

 

“Oh, damn.” I said as I quickly squeezed it closed and tied it tightly.

 

We just looked at each other. Why did I spend the night? I must admit though…he looked pretty damn sexy.

 

“Goodnight…again…” he said as he slowly walked backwards into his room with a smile.

 

“Goodnight.” I said softly as I walked back to my room.

 

That was very awkward…but I liked it. It’s about 2:30 A.M. now and I still can’t sleep. I wonder if Miguel is still up. I got out of bed and tip toed into the hallway. I walked past his bedroom and he wasn’t in there. I went down stairs into the kitchen for a glass of water. I hand washed the glass and dried it instead of putting it in the dishwasher. I quietly walked up the stairs and saw some light creep out from an extra room.

 

I tiptoed over and peeked inside. Miguel was standing in front of a canvas board, painting. The radio was playing soft Spanish music. The CD playing was by Prince Royce. I could tell because Miguel used to sing his songs to me when we started dating, especially the song “Addicted”.

 

“Tu y yo.” Was playing at the moment and I could hear Miguel singing along. He has a good voice…I love his accent…especially when he speaks Spanish.

 

“Did I wake you? I could turn the radio down…” he said softly without even looking my way.

 

“No…y…you didn’t wake me…how’d you know I was standing he---.” I tried finishing.

 

“I heard you come out of you room. Besides, I know you…you never slept well.” He replied without taking his eyes off the painting.

 

“May I come in?” I asked softly. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to, he looked like he was in the zone.

 

“…Si…” he answered quietly.

 

“Are you alright?” I asked. He froze and sat down in front of his painting. He examined it and then got up to wash excess paint off his hands. The canvas had a painting of a baby girl on it. She was lying down in a crib asleep and was covered with a pink fleece blanket. The baby was Secret. It looked so real, she looked like she would wake up and start crying any minute. I wanted to pick her up and hold her so bad. I feel terrible that I missed all her baby years…I’ve never even rocked her to sleep.

 

Not when she needed anything…not when she was hurt….not even when she just needed to be loved. I wasn’t there.

 

“It’s beautiful.” I complimented as he walked back into the room.

 

“She’s beautiful.” He said softly as he wiped the paint off his hands on a towel.

 

It was quiet for a moment. I didn’t know what else to say. Miguel put the towel on the table next to him, leaned against it while folding his arms and looked at me. I didn’t return the glare. I continued to stare at the painting. I wanted to cry…but I know it’s too late for tears.

 

“You’ve really changed…” he said checking me out.

 

I finally looked at him and back to the painting.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked curiously.

 

“Well, look at you…it’s like you’ve killed her and then brought her back…” he said sarcastically.

 

“…Killed who?” I asked stubbornly already knowing which route this conversation was going.

 

“…The Tamar I used to know…the one I fell in love with.” he said softly looking at me.

 

I caught his stare and quickly avoided it. “Tamar…” he said sternly.

 

“Your work is fantastic.” I complimented.

 

“…Thank you…Tamar we need to tal---.” He tried to say.

 

“I see why she loves art…she gets it from you.” I interrupted.

 

“Why me?” he asked letting me get off topic.

 

“Well, I can’t draw or paint.” I said shamefully.

 

“Who says you can’t?” he asked.

 

“I say, I mean…I do.” I said looking at him and then down. I walked around looking at his paintings and pictures.

 

“You can draw.” He stated.

 

“I can’t, really.” I said.

 

“Yes, you can.”

 

“I assure you, I can’t draw.” I said sassily as I walked towards a familiar painting hidden between the wall and table. I picked it up and starred at it. It was unfinished. Miguel quickly took it from me and put it back.

 

“Miguel…Is that…a painting of my panties?” I asked surprised.

 

“Um…can you draw a line?” he asked trying to change the subject.

 

A slight “I know what you were doing” smile went across my face. “Yea, I can.” I said allowing him to lead me off topic.

 

“Then you can draw.” He said while setting up a new canvas board.

 

“Whatever.” I said in a smart alec voice

 

. I walked up to a painting of a flower on it, it was beautiful.

 

“You must really love art.” I assumed.

 

“It’s my life.” He said softly.

 

He walked past me towards the table and took a large sip from his wine glass. The wine bottle was half empty. I saw it earlier when we first arrived. It was on the wine shelf in the last row to the right. It had not been opened at all and Miguel was just sucking it down. He brought some small cans of paint from the shelf and opened them. I studied his every move; he was already drunk. At least he was low key about it. He didn’t seem drunk at all until I saw the bottle. He came and gently grabbed my hand and led me to the canvas board. He got behind me and placed his left hand on my hip.

 

“Let me show you how.” He whispered sweetly into my ear. I wanted to melt.

 

“…Sh…Show me how to do what?” I stuttered.

 

“To paint.” He said softly as he placed a medium sized paint brush into my hand.

 

“What are we painting?”

 

“I don’t know, just follow the flow of the brush.”

 

He placed his hand over mines and we dipped the brush in a baby blue and navy blue acrylic paint. We raised it up together and slowly painted a slightly curved line. We dipped the brush in some off-white colored paint and painted a tiny line onto it. We repeated the process but the lines were different lengths and sizes. Soon, he let my hand go and I was doing it by myself. He backed away slowly until he leaned against the table. Observing me closely, he took a few sips from his wine glass. I kept painting until I felt like I had enough lines…then I stopped.

 

“Why’d you stop?” he asked softly.

 

“…I think that’s enough lines.”

 

“Fill in the spaces with the royal blue color.” He said pointing to the can and sipping from his glass.

 

I just looked at him for a seconds and then dipped the brush in and painted in the spaces. His face kind of scrunched up in confusion.

 

“Not like that.” He said as he stood up and gently took the brush out of my hand. He rubbed his eyes. “Do it like this, watch me.”

 

He painted between a few spaces, letting them overlap the lines. They were curved at the top and straight at the bottom. He was really concentrated. He placed the brush into my hands and put his hand over mines, guiding me. He let me go again after a while and studied me closely. He sat down at the table and poured himself another round of wine. Damn, that’s like his fourth glass.

 

“Don’t you think that’s enough?” I asked still looking at my painting.

 

“Not just yet.” He said walking over to me.

 

I think he thought that I meant the painting. He stood next to me and observed the painting.

 

“Miguel, what is this?” I sighed.

 

“What do you think it is?” he asked.

 

“I don’t know.” I answered flatly.

 

“Look at it again and then tell me what you think it is.” He responded. I slowly observed it and the sound of water ran through my mind and I heard birds.

 

“It looks like a water fall.” I said softly.

 

“Then that’s exactly what it is.” He said as he rubbed his eyes.

 

“Oh…” I said.

 

“Since it’s a waterfall, get some of the white and paint the fog at the bottom of the water.” He said pointing to the ends of the lines.

 

I started painting some awkward circles, trying to make it look like fog.

 

“Help me please.” I said turning towards him. He was rubbing his eyes again.

 

“Don’t rub them.” I said looking away.

 

“Huh?” he asked. He sounded like he forgot I was there.

 

“I said don’t rub your eyes.” He did it again anyways.

 

“Are you alright?” I asked.

 

“…I…I’m fine, I just…I need to sit.” He said tiredly. He looked drained. He sat down in a chair and looked at the wine glass sitting on the table next to him.

 

I watched him as he tried reaching for it. “You don’t need anymore.” I said sternly as I placed my hand on his arm to stop him from getting it.

 

He glared at me.

 

 “You don’t have the right to tell me what I need.” He said coldly as he retrieved it, took another sip, and looked down.

 

I just looked backed to my painting and finished the fog. He was right, I didn’t have any right to tell him anything. He took more sips from his wine.

 

“That’s fine, go ahead and be like Daniel.” I said heartlessly.

 

He was going to take another sip but then stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me fiercely. I knew it would piss him off, I said it on purpose because I knew that was the only way to get him to listen to me.

 

“What did you just say?” he asked angrily. I didn’t say a word. I acted like I didn’t hear him.

 

“Tamar…” he called.

 

I did not respond. He stood up and slightly yanked my arm and pulled me towards him. His eyes were red and watery.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I said…go ahead and be like Daniel.”

 

He smacked the shit out of me.

 

I saw it coming though, he has his father’s temper and he’s drunk? Oh yea, I definitely saw it coming. I stumbled back and hit the floor hard. I gathered myself together and looked him dead in the eye. His face was filled with surprise and regret and he wanted to help me up but I had gotten up already and slapped his ass back. He stumbled back just a bit and then placed his hand over his cheek where I slapped him. We were both tired and breathing heavily. We stared into each others eyes, I felt like crying. He looked like he wanted to cry, only because his eyes looked watery. A tear slid down my cheek, and one slid down his. He pulled me closer and held me tight.

 

Then…we kissed. We kissed like we were back together or something. He started walking backwards as we kissed until we were perched up against the table. He started to lower my robe off of my shoulders and stroke my arm.

 

“I missed you so much...” He said as placed kisses on my neck and chest.

 

“Miguel…whatchu doin?” I asked knowing exactly what he was or at least trying to do.

 

He didn’t answer, he kept kissing and rubbing on me.

 

“Miguel…” I warned trying to get his attention. His hands slowly reached up my back as he unfastened my bra.

 

“Miguel!” I said gently pushing him away.

 

His face had the expression of a child being caught with something he wasn’t supposed to have.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked confused.

 

“Miguel, you’re drunk.” I explained.

 

He looked at me like he didn’t understand.

 

“We…can’t do this…” I said getting off the table and holding my bra up so it wouldn't fall.

 

“And why not?” he asked confused.

 

“I don’t know…we just have to think clearly.” I said softly. “This could maybe be really bad, Miguel.”

 

“How?” he asked.

 

“I’m not sure…I just…I just don’t think this is a good idea.” I said looking into his eyes. He got real close again until we were leaning against the table.

 

“And what makes you say that?” he whispered as he tried to kiss me.

 

“What about Leelah?” I asked softly stopping him in his tracks. He looked at me and slowly backed up a bit. “I realized why she was so upset earlier…” I said with my eyes darting at him.

 

I guess I made him mad. He backed off and ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“Goodnight Tamar.” He said quietly as he snatched his wine bottle with a little bit of wine left in it and walked out of the room.

 

I didn’t respond to him as I watched him walk away. I turned the radio off and looked down. I went into my room and laid down in bed. I felt tired but I wasn’t sleepy.

 

I kept tossing and turning. After a half hour of moving around, I was finally in a comfortable position. I was laying on my side facing the wall with my back towards the door. I was hot and I took my robe off. Soon I was starting to nod off and I heard my door creep open. I didn’t turn to see who it was, I was too lazy to do it. I knew it was Miguel. He climbed into the bed with me and leaned over me. He kissed me on my cheek and I finally turned over to face him.

 

“I'm sorry." I just looked at him. "Leelah and I are not together…we never were.” he explained softly.

 

"But you like her, don't you?" I asked.

 

 “It’s complicated Tamar…I really don’t know how to explain it, but when I have a good explanation, I'll tell it to you. If I try to explain it to you now, you’ll just be confused." he said as he reached for my hand and held it. "All I know is that I’m with you at this very moment…and it might be our only moment and I want it to be special.” He said sweetly as he rested his head on my shoulders and slowly ran his finger tips down my thigh.

 

I didn’t say anything, I just looked out of the window. The sky was bright, I couldn’t see the moon but I could tell it was out there. Miguel got up out of the bed and held his hand out to me. I reached for it hesitantly. He helped me up and I bent down to get my robe off the stool. Miguel placed his hand over mines and stopped me from getting it.

 

“…You don’t need it.” He said as he walked out of the room holding my hand.

 

We walked towards his room and stopped at the door. He opened the door and gestured for me to go first. I hesitantly walked in.

 

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine…” he said seductively as he watched me closely as I walked past.

 

 He closed the door and gently grabbed my hand and walked me to his bed. We didn’t sit down on it, instead we stood close to it and Miguel started kissing me on my neck.. I looked out the window as he did that and the view was wonderful. There was a full moon tonight and the way it flew high beyond the trees was beautiful.

 

It was so amazing it kind of hypnotized me for a few minutes. Miguel noticed that I wasn’t paying any attention to him and looked to see what I was staring at. He looked out the window for a second and then gently turned my face to make me face him. I gazed into his eyes and they looked gorgeous under the moonlight. He slowly leaned towards me and kissed me four times on the lips. “Your eyes,” I said with a smile. “they’re gorgeous.” I complimented as I stroked a piece of his hair.

 

It was all silky and soft. He giggled a bit and smiled back at me. Complete turn on. Now I’ve seen cute men before, really cute ones, but have you ever seen a gorgeous man? And I mean fucking beautiful, not even remotely close to “cute.” It’s very rare! Miguel just happened to be up there with the gorgeous men. Miguel is very handsome. I’m kind of surprised he wasn’t taken by now. He held my hand and walked over to the window. He gently and slowly swung me around in front of him and wrapped his arms around my waist. 

 

I rested my head on his chest as we looked out the window.

 

“I don’t understand why I can’t keep my hands off of  you…” he said softly as he kissed my shoulder and slid both hands down my thigh.

 

“I know why…” I said.

 

“Oh yea…why then?” he said giggling.

 

“Because, your ass is drunk. Remember yelling at me a few hours ago?” 

 

We both laughed.

 

“You ever been drunk?” he asked giggling.

 

“No…I’ve been high as hell obviously, but never drunk.” I answered.

 

"I’ve been drunk many times. My very first time was when I was in college and my friend convinced me to go to this huge frat party with him, despite all the homework and tests I had to study for I went anyways. It was crazy, they had this really loud music and the people there barely had on any clothes.” He giggled. “There was this chugging contest and like a dumb ass I did it…twice.” he said with a smile.

 

“In the morning I woke up in a bathtub…and it wasn’t even in the same building we had the party in and there was some guy in there with me sleeping on the floor.” He laughed.

 

I started to laugh with him. “I bet the place was a mess!” I said laughing.

 

“Yea, there were people everywhere, things in places that shouldn’t be there and trash all over the place.” He giggled as he placed one kiss on my neck. I turned to face him and I wrapped my arms around his neck and we had our foreheads together.

 

“Some party huh? Did you have fun?” I asked with a smile.

 

“I would say yes if I didn’t have a huge hangover the next day.” He said regretfully.

 

“Like you’ll have in the morning?”

 

“I guess.” He said with a smile.

 

“Can you call the school in the morning and tell them I won’t be coming?” he asked.

 

“No problem.” I said softly as I gazed into his eyes.

 

It was quiet for a minute.

 

“…Tamar…” he called.

 

“Yes?” I answered still gazing at him.

 

“…I love you.” he said softly as he hugged me a bit tighter.

 

My smile faded and I didn’t know what to say. It was quiet for a second before I responded.

 

“….no…you don’t.” I said pulling away.

 

“But I do.” He confirmed.

 

“You’re drunk. You don’t mean it.” I said persuaded.

 

“Let me show you…you have to let others show you that they love you Tamar.” he said softly. “I know you’ve been hurt before but you have to learn to trust others. Now please, let me show you…that I love you…” he said as he reached for my hand and pulled me close. “Please?” He asked as he slowly kissed me once more.

 

“…Ok.” I replied as I slowly nodded my head like I was hypnotized.

 

He rubbed my cheek softly with his thumb. His hands sneakily strolled up my back and he unfastened my bra again. I didn’t refuse this time and he gently pulled it off. He took off his t-shirt and pulled me closer to him and kissed me. He took my hand and we walked back towards his bed.

 

Secret:

 

“Miss Stone? Miss Stone, you woke?” Elliot asked.

 

I just laid there on my side with my back facing him. I was awake, but I didn’t feel like talking.

 

“Miss Stone?” he asked once more.

 

“Did you hear anything?” I asked him softly still not facing him.

 

“I heard it all…” he said freely, “you ok?”

 

“I’m fine,” I answered, “I just don’t feel too good.”

 

“Oh…so I guess you not coming then…” he said flatly.

 

He sounded really disappointed. I didn’t say anything.

 

“You caint leave anyways…you gotta stay wit yo mom…she loves you.” he said disappointed again.

 

He sounded like he was a bit jealous. I wanted to believe him but I just couldn’t. Something in my heart just wouldn’t let me believe that Tamar would come back for me or that she really cares.

 

“She’s not my mama.” I said softly.

 

“She is…I peeked out of the curtain when she first came…you was sleep but you look just like her. You got the same face as her…you kinda look like that white dude too…but only when y’all together. Y’all look different when you’re separated.” He giggled.

 

I didn't respond to him right away. “What white dude?” I asked curiously after a few minutes.

 

“The one with the long hair, he has a funny voice.” he responded

 

“Oh, him. He's not white, just a lil pale. And his voice is funny because he has an accent. He’s from Mexico and he’s just my teacher.” I corrected.

 

“Well I thought he was your dad, but I wasn’t sure.” He said confused.

 

“Why would you think that?” I asked finally turning on my side to face him.

 

“I don’t know, he just kinda acts like a dad. Like he cares or somethin. Your mom cares too…wish mines did…” he said pitifully.

 

“I’m sure they do.” I responded.

 

“What? How can they? I mean, look around, do you see where I am? My parents nor anybody else gives three fucks about me.” he said sadly.

 

“They just want to put me with some random ass person, let em beat on me, and give em my check and I'm not having that shit, forget it!” he said stubbornly as he folded his arms.

 

He seems so…“Hood like”.

 

“Well, if they didn’t love you, at least an inch, then they wouldn’t put up with you in the first place…no matter how they treat you.” I said calmly.

 

“Oh really?” he asked sarcastically.

 

“Yeah, or at least that’s how I see it.” I said turning my back towards him.

 

“And how would you know? You’ve never been abused.” He said forcefully as he folded his arms. He sounded a tad bit jealous. I looked down and didn’t respond for a moment.

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” I asked.

 

“Yeah, a brotha aint no snitch.” He said holding his left hand up as if he were in court. “That can get you killed.” He said finishing it off. What he said scared me a bit and I decided not to tell him anything; I tried to change the subject.

 

“You ever been to school before?” I asked curiously.

 

“Oh yeah, I usually get straight A’s. Maybe even a B or two might sneak up.” he said rubbing his eyes. I was kinda surprised by his answer. Not the fact that he does go, but the fact that he said he’s getting straight A’s. Especially in English? I’m barely passing because I'm not doing my homework.

 

 “Oh, that’s really good…where you from?” I asked looking down because I’m still thinking about his last answer.

 

“Atlanta, Georgia.” he said proudly.

 

“Oh, that’s nice.” I smiled weakly.

 

“Yea, you like peaches?” he asked.

 

“Yea, they’re one of my favorite fruits.” I responded.

 

“Well, you ever had a Georgia peach?” he asked curiously.

 

“No, I’ve never even been outside of Chicago.” I said flatly.

 

“Aw shoot! That mean you aint never had a real peach until you’ve had a Georgia peach.” He said with a huge grin.

 

"What’s so special about it?” I asked eager to know.

 

“Cuz man, they just the best…Sweet Georgia, home of the best peaches.” He said softly looking up as if he were reliving a precious moment.

 

I looked up too trying to see the moment he saw. “Why you here in Chicago?” I asked.

 

“Our apartment building was burned down when I was seven. We moved out here and moved in with my grandma. She died a few years ago and left my mom the house and stuff.” He said laying on his back with both hands behind his head and gazing ahead as he thought about his memory.

 

“You got brothers or sisters?” I asked. “I got a big sister. She left home when she was like 15. That was years ago.” he said quietly.

 

“You?” he asked.

 

“I'm an only child.” I said.

 

It was quiet for a while and then he broke the silence with a yawn. He shifted and squirmed a bit in his bed until he was comfortable lying on his side.

 

“What was your secret, Secret?” he asked giggling.

 

“Never mind.” I said quickly.

 

“How come you won’t tell me?” he asked.

 

“It’s not important anymore.” I said flatly as I turned to lay on my side with my back faced towards him.

 

“Alright then, I don’t mind you keeping secrets.” He said calmly not even caring.

 

He let out another yawn and it became quiet. I turned just slightly just in time to see his eyes starting to close just a bit.

 

“So, you’re not leaving?” I asked him.

 

He didn’t answer me, so I guess he went to sleep. I turned back around and laid my head on the pillow. It was soft and hot so I flipped it over to the cooler side, perfect. After a while, I started to nod off and a woman dressed in a red suit with a vase of flowers came in, accompanied by a nurse, and set them on Elliot’s night stand.

 

“Is this him?” she asked the nurse quietly.

 

“Yes, Mr. Elliot Timothius Jones.” She said with a smile.

 

Timothius, that’s his middle name? Haha, that’s a funny name for him. She lightly caressed his head and then kissed him on his forehead. The nurse pulled the curtain divider closed and then they both left. I started to nod off again; but until I actually fell asleep, I started thinking about everything that happened today. I still don’t know why I’m here or what happened. Why is my mom here and what happened between us? Why is Mr. Rodriguez still sticking around? Why won’t he leave? So many questions ran through my head, even ones that had nothing to do with today. Like whatever happened to Mr. Ming and his shop? After Mrs. Ming died, I stopped going in there.

 

I attempted to go in one time. But once I touched the door handle I backed up and walked away. I just couldn’t do it. It looked like the restaurant was empty all the time anyways. And Where the hell was Daniel? I was wondering where he’d been. Not that I expected him to show up. But still, I was wondering. Does he love me? I guess he did…but then again, it didn’t seem like it. Sometimes he showed it…and sometimes he doesn’t. He used to when I was smaller. Maybe because I’m older now, he doesn’t like me. Sometimes I just wish I could jump right into his head and see for myself…

 

Daniel:

 

I can’t do this anymore, I need to go back. Sheila’s in the bathroom playing with her hair. She pulled me from the ground and dragged me out of the building. Desperately trying to flee, not caring about my injuries. We’re staying in this small ass motel. We’re in Indiana, about a half hour away from Chicago. I guess we’re staying here for the night and leaving early in morning. I think she tryna take us to Alabama.

 

That’s where she’s from. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she would have left me there. If she would have been selfish and took off without me. She is selfish, and I knew she would have left me if she could. She knows that I would have told if she did…if I was still alive. I rubbed my right shoulder and my neck to soothe the aches and pains on them. That man’s blows to my face and chest almost knocked me clean out.

 

 I still don’t understand who he was or where he came from. I don’t even know him. He looked so familiar, like I’ve seen him before. Something about his eyes and hair triggered the familiar features of him. He was mad though…real mad. I don’t know why though. He just came in my house and picked a fight.

 

For what though, what did I do to him? Sheila knows but won’t tell me why. I know she knows because I heard him say somethin on his way out but I couldn’t hear him that well. My left ear had completely shut out all sound for a while and everything else sounded muffled in my right. When I think about it, I sometimes wished he would’ve killed me. I wish he would’ve punched me in the face so hard my breathing would just stop instantly.

 

I wished he would have pounded the side of my head harder than he did so my neck would twist. I wished a lot of things but some…no, all wishes don’t come true. My mind and my body were sore. I was sore from the wounds, the emotions, and the confusions. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t keep Secret off my mind since we left. Every time I try and think of something else, my thoughts end up wandering back to her…just like now. I know she thinks about me sometimes, and no doubt, I think about her too.

 

I wonder what’s goin through her mind all the time. I wish I could see for myself, cuz lord knows she aint gon tell me. I remember when I took her to the park one time, and bought her an ice-cream cone. She dropped it, and I bought her another, no questions asked. She ate some of it but offered me the rest. She told me that I should take it. I guess she felt bad about droppin the first one. I told her it was ok but she insisted on me havin it, so I took it. It felt nice to be given somethin…even if it’s as little as an ice-cream cone.

 

For some strange reason, that made me feel good. It made me feel like I was doin somethin right for a change. Most of my life I did wrong…then God gave me this little girl to look after. I didn’t do a good job, not at all. She in the hospital sick, maybe even dead…and it’s my fault. I was always a good boy when I was younger. Never hung out with the wrong people, I got good grades, and was always home before the street lights came on.

 

Then my dad died when I was fourteen. That messed me up pretty bad. We were never really close, but I know I loved him…and I knew he loved me from a distant. I started drinking and doing drugs on the low…even sold em for a little while. Momma needed help with the bills, but I neva told her where I got the money from when she asked me. I was neva home on time anymore and my grades started to slip. I was even in this small clique full of slackers and idiots.

 

Haha, my momma whooped my ass all the time when I actually did go home. But I love her; I was always a momma’s boy. I used to get teased all the time. Five years ago I had found out that she had died and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Then a few days later, Tamar had left in the morning…but she didn’t come back. That messed me up even more…I felt like I had lost the two most important people in my life at the time. I didn’t go to the funeral, but I think that made things worse.

 

Not for me…. but for Secret. I now had to face reality and take care of this little girl by myself and realize that my mom was dead. But I couldn’t handle it no more. I was always mad. Mad at the world, mad at Tamar, mad at Secret but mostly mad at myself. I was fired for coming in really late, and on top of that, for being drunk. I threw a “small” hissy fit about it and almost got arrested. I didn’t think it was fair at the time…I felt like my world was bein torn apart. I couldn’t cope with the fact that I had lost everything. My mom, my job and the girl I was starting to fall in love with.

 

She was my best friend, but I think she loved the drugs more than me. And I was angry so I took my anger out on Secret. The more I was mad, the more I drank and the more Secret had to deal with it. She would come and try to comfort me. I always pushed her away. I remember the very first time I hit her…I didn’t mean to at all. I was askin her somethin…I couldn’t remember what though.

 

She was sitting in the kitchen drawing a picture. But she wouldn’t answer me and it was pissing me off. But I kept askin and askin her but she wouldn’t answer. Then finally she said in a heartless tone, “You’re drunk Daniel…you’re mean when you’re drunk.” That had hurt my feelings…so bad that I just lost it and slapped her. I had slapped her so hard that she fell out the chair. She cried instantly as she held her cheek and looked at me like I had a gun to her head.

 

That look killed me so bad that I felt like I was stabbed twice in the heart. Instantly, I had felt really bad and I tried to help her up but she kept crying and scooting away. …She’s never cried with me and it hurt my feelings. I felt ashamed…and to make me feel better, I drank some more. The process repeats: Do somethin, feel bad, and drink through it...again and again. I’m sorry that I ever laid a finger on her. I’m sorry I let Sheila convince me to do somethin so horrible; she’s just a little girl. She didn’t deserve any of it and I’m sorry…just so sorry. I want to…no, I need to make it up to her…I’m goin back.

 

“Danny, are you alright?” Sheila asked braiding her hair into a side ponytail.

 

She came out of the bathroom and walked towards me. She stood behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders. She started to massage them and hum to herself. “I’m ok.” I sighed as I rubbed my hands together and leaned forward to look down.

 

“You sure? You’ve been real quiet since we left.” She said softly.

 

“Oh, I didn’t notice.” I said quietly, shrugging her hands off of me.

 

“Well, you were…just making sure you’re ok.” She said walking away from me to the window.

 

I looked up at her with suspicion. She was wearing a neon green halter top and cream colored booty shorts that said “Dangerous” on the back.

 

“What a coincidence…” I mumbled under my breath.

 

She turned to look at me. “Did you say somethin?”

 

“Nope.” I said with my eyes burning into hers.

 

“…what’s wrong?” she asked.

 

“Nothin.” I answered flatly.

 

“Oh…ok.” She said keeping her eye on me while heading towards the bathroom again. It’s crazy how people change on you. When I met Sheila, I admit, I was just tryna get some cash out of her. But then she just stuck around; started buying me suits and gifts and was just making me feel better about myself just a bit. That’s when I fell for her. Why would she, or anyone for that matter, stick around me? I’m just a bum…a drunk…and a abuser. Maybe that’s what turns her on. She needs someone on the same level as herself; someone as devious as her. She killed her own parents and she don’t give a damn that she did it.

 

She tried to kill Secret…maybe she succeeded…and I let her. I hate myself for that. I admit, when she first suggested it I wanted to knock her ass out! The plan to poison my baby, the one I’ve taken care of for like nine years, pierced my heart and shattered my soul. It was like a sibling relationship: Just because I bully them, don’t mean you can. I know I love her. And I know I didn’t show it often, but I do…honestly.

 

I show it sometimes because I know it makes her feel good. I want her to be happy. I hate the look of fear and anger on her face. I try my best to be a “father” but it seem like I always fail in the end. I’ve bought her things but I know I cant buy her love. I have to earn it by showing it. You reap what you sew. That’s what my momma used to tell me. Man, all this thinkin is bringing me down. I need a drink…just one more. I stood up and grabbed the keys off the table.

 

“Where are you goin?” Shelia asked as she peeked her head out of the bathroom doorway.

 

“I need a drink.” I replied simply as I grabbed the keys and my black leather jacket and headed for the door.

 

“Um, I don’t think you should do that.” She said jumping in front of me.

 

“At least not now, I mean were kind of in the middle of a situation.” She said nervously.

 

“Besides Daniel, it’s 5:30 in the morning!”

 

“Shelia move, I just want a drink…just one.” I said trying to push past her.

 

“You’ll be right back?” she asked finally giving in.

 

“yea…” I replied.

 

“You promise?” she asked uncertainly.

 

“I promise baby.” I said softly as I kissed her on the cheek and held my hand behind my back with my fingers crossed.

 

She moved out of the way and I stepped into the hall. I grabbed the door handle and took one good final look at her. Was I drunk the whole relationship? Maybe. I thought as I shrugged it off.

 

“Hurry back, we gotta rest up so we can leave soon.” She said with a smirk.

 

I just looked at her, disgusted with what I had allowed her to do. How can she keep so calm knowing what she did? I tremble every time I think about the times I hurt Secret. I wasted my time with this bitch. How come I didn't realize that before? I’m trying not to lose it.

 

“Ok…I’ll be back.” I said softly as I closed the door and walked slowly to her car.

 

Tamar:

 

Dear Diary,

It’s about 9:30 in the morning. I just woke up, I never really sleep well. I turned to my side, away from Miguel, and starred out into the window. The sun looked beautiful hanging above the trees, like a golden spot. Just waiting for the perfect time to drop down and melt all the snow that was left. Miguel started to squirm around a bit before settling down.

 

I sat up slowly and looked at him. He looked uncomfortable and he was sweating. I slowly climbed out of bed, careful not to wake him, and tip toed out of the room. I walked to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. My face was clear and my hair was healthy and clean. I turned around towards the full body mirror and checked my legs and arms. The needle marks and scars were still on my arms, but they were fading away. Some of them were gone.

 

I was a little bit thicker than before, still a petite frame, but not entirely skinny. I’ve come a long way. I can’t stop thinking about my baby. You just don’t know how bad I want to love and hold her. But I don’t think she’ll let me. I’m still trying to convince myself whether or not she really meant what she said.

 

A part of me thinks that this is a bad idea and another part doesn’t want to give up too soon. Maybe Miguel is right, maybe she doesn’t believe I’m her mother. I pray to God to forgive me for everything. I pray every day and now, I pray for him to give me my baby back. I want her, I need her and I’ve never stopped thinking about her. I might have been a dead beat mother, but I’m here now….and I’m here for good.

 

I put the pencil down and closed the book as I heard Miguel slowly come down the stairs. He had on a dark grey t-shirt and a pair of light grey sweat pants. He had one hand on his head. He came into the kitchen and walked right past me.

 

“Good Morning.” I said as I watched him get a mug out of the cabinet.

 

He turned around quickly and looked at me as if he didn’t know me. Then his confused look turned to relief. “Oh, Buenas dias.” He said softly as he turned back around and walked towards the coffee machine.

 

It was quiet for a moment. The only sounds came from Miguel and his coffee machine.

 

“I called you in for work.” I said trying to break the silence.

 

“Oh, thanks.” He smiled weakly.

 

“No problem.” I said quietly as I looked down and played with the pen.

 

He sat down in the chair across from me and put his hair into a pony tail. It was quiet again. He folded his arms and took in a deep breath as he looked around the room.

 

“How’d you sleep?” we both asked at the same time.

 

We both smiled.

 

“I slept ok.” I responded.

 

“Me too.” He agreed.

 

“You want coffee?” he asked standing up and making his way to the counter.

 

“No, thank you.” I answered.

 

“Alright. I just took some aspirin, I’m gonna lie down for an hour or two.” He said pouring the coffee into the mug. “I have a huge headache. It should go away soon though.” He finished.

 

“Hmm, I wonder why.” I said sarcastically with a smile. He turned around and smiled back. He took his mug and walked past me giving me a playful look.

 

“Don’t miss me too much.” He said as he started walking up the stairs.

 

“Boy, aint nobody gon miss you.” I laughed.

 

“You will.” He laughed as he disappeared.

 

I decided to go for a walk to spend the time away. I went upstairs and took a shower and put on a sweater and some jeans. Maybe I’ll be back by 11:00. I looked out the sliding glass door onto the back patio. It’s not snowing now. And some of the snow melted a bit. Two dogs just ran up on the glass and started to bark. They surprised me so I ended up screaming. Miguel quickly ran down half the staircase.

 

“Tamar, are you alright?” he asked alarmed.

 

“I’m …ok….when did you get dogs?” I said with my heart beating fast and trying to catch my breath.

 

He started to laugh. I looked at him with a stare. “That’s not funny Miguel. They scared the hell out of me.” I said walking away from the glass.

 

“Don’t worry,” he said in the smoothness of his accent. “They don’t bite.”

 

“Yea well, they’d better not…I might bite back.” I retorted.

 

He shook his head and smiled. Then he went back upstairs, I followed behind him to my room. I put on my red coat and matching hat and scarf.

 

“You leaving?” he asked curiously.

 

“Just gonna take a walk,” I answered putting my gloves on.

 

“I’ll be back by 11:00.” I grabbed my purse and headed into the hall.

 

“Alright, I want to show you the studio later. Maybe before Secret’s visit starts?” he asked.

 

“Sure, See you later.” I said as I walked past him.

 

“Adios.” He said softly.

 

When I got outside, it felt like Jack Frost had just placed kisses on my face. I walked a couple blocks. I don’t know where I was walking to and I didn’t care. I just wanted to walk around. And that’s what I did…I just kept walking and walking. I then walked towards a playground. There were squeals, shrieks and screams throughout the area. They seemed to get louder the closer I got to it. Snowballs glided through the air like deformed doves. There were young kids everywhere, in different colors.

 

Different shades of blues, greens, yellows, reds and pinks. Smiling faces and innocent laughter followed behind each one of them closely. Even teenagers who looked like they were in their senior or junior year of highschool were having fun pushing and shoving each other in the snow. I walked closer and sat on a bench that overlooked the whole park. A little girl with wavy dark hair in a green worn out coat stood crying by a tree alone.

 

The coat had a few holes in it and so did her hat and gloves. She looked to be about five years old. No one could hear her over the screams but I was close enough. Maybe no one bothered to. She looked like she was maybe Asian or something and she had big beautiful brown eyes. I went towards her and she was crying really loud.

 

“Hi… what’s wrong” I asked her. Her crying went down to a whimper but she didn’t answer me. “Are you lost?”

 

I asked hoping for an answer. She nodded. “Where’s your mama?”

 

“I not know.” She answered before sobbing again.

 

“Where did you see her last?” I asked.

 

“In the street.” She answered.

 

“What happened?” I asked again.

 

“We walked down the street to see daddy. I was behind her. We walked by the toy store and I stopped to look. When I turned around, she was gone.” She whimpered.

 

"Oh, alright, alright don’t cry, I’ll help you look for her, ok?” I responded.

 

She nodded her head and took my hand. We walked around the park for a bit. She looked cold and tired so I gave her my scarf and hat and picked her up. After looking for her mama for a while with no results, I decided to take her to small restaurant. As we walked there, a hysterical young Hispanic man came towards. A woman followed behind him, maybe the girl’s mother.

 

They started speaking in Spanish and yelling. The little girl jumped down from my arms and ran towards them. They willingly embraced their little girl and then they looked at me. The Girl started to speak to them in a different language and their grimaces faded away. The man walked up to me. He had thick dark eyebrows along with a small mustache. They both looked young, maybe in their mid-20’s.

 

His coat and the woman’s also had holes in them and their shoes were a bit open at the top.

 

“Thank you so much for finding our little girl. We don’t know what we could have done without you.” He said as if he were about to cry.

 

“It’s no problem at al---.” I tried to say.

 

“Here, take it. It’s all we have.” He said handing out 20 dollars. I looked down at the money.

 

“No,” I said softly pushing it away. “I don’t want your money.”

 

“Please, there must be something you want. Please take it.” He pursued on.

 

“No, finding your little girl and bringing her back to you was all I wanted.” 

 

“Gracias, Thank you very much!” The father said with a smile.

 

“You’re welcome.” I smiled back. The little girl ran to me and hugged me.

 

“Susana.” She said with a grin. “Susana Garcia.”

 

“That’s a pretty name.” I replied.

 

I looked into her eyes, big and beautiful. The family was poor. I glanced at the mother. She kind of kept to herself and didn’t speak much. She was restless and had a twitch in her eye. She’s on drugs.

 

“Mr. Garcia…” I called out. I took a card out of my purse and handed it to him. “Here’s a card for a rehab center. They can help your family. I work there at nights. Here’s my number at the bottom. We help people and families find jobs and give them what they need. It helped me…so much, please take it.” I explained handing out the card. He looked at it and took it hesitantly. “I’m not working now but I will be next week. Is there any way you could contact me or may I contact you?” I asked hoping he would say yes.

 

“No, we don’t take charity.” He said softly returning the card and starting to walk away.

 

Susana looked at me and then her father. Disappointment filled her eyes.

 

“…Please…if not for yourself, do it for your daughter…” I said catching his attention again. He turned around and looked at the card again. “I did it for mine.” I said hopefully changing his mind.

 

He walked back towards me and looked at his little girl. Then, he took the card and thanked me.

 

“I am extremely grateful. I will contact you when I can. What’s your name?” he asked.

 

“Tamar, Tamar Reevis.” I answere as I shook his hand.

 

“Ok, Tamar, we’re staying at this shelter three blocks over called Helping Hands”. Do you have a pen and paper?” he asked.

 

“Yes.” I answered as I pulled one out and gave it to him. He wrote on the piece of paper. I kept looking at the mother. She  looked lost and was probably unaware of Susana when they were walking.

 

“Here...it’s the number to the shelter. If you call, ask for Jason and Carmen Garcia.” He said as he handed me the paper and pen back.

 

I thanked him and Susana came running to me with my hat and scarf.

 

“No, you keep it. I have more.” I said softly.

 

We said our goodbyes and I started to walk away, its 10:30.

 

“Tamar…Feliz Navidad!” Susana yelled as the family walked away.

 

I turned around and smiled at her “Merry Christmas!” As I walked away from the scene, a boy about 10 or 11 ran into me.

 

“Sorry lady, I’m the robber.” He said as he ran away.

 

Two other boys, about his age, chased after him with snowballs. They must be the cops. I retraced my steps and headed back to Miguel’s place. Unfortunately, I have a decent memory. I arrived at the house and rung the doorbell.

 

Miguel opened the door. He had on some blackish jeans and a black t-shirt that showed off his muscles and his hair was down.

 

“Hola.” He greeted as I walked in.

 

When I walked past him, a scent of cologne bounced off him and into my nose.

 

“You smell good.” I said as took off my coat and set it on the couch.

 

“Gracias, you do too.” He complimented.

 

“I remember who your perfume reminds me of now.”

 

“Oh yea, who?” I asked curiously leaning against the counter.

 

“My mother." he said flatly.

 

I just looked at him. "Sooo...you tryna call me old?" I asked not able to hold in my laugh.

 

He started to laugh himself and shook his head.

 

"You are something else Tamar."

 

"Yea, I'm alot of things..." I said softly as I looked at him.

 

I knew how Miguel felt about his parents, so I never really tried to bring them up.

 

"So, when do we go see your studio?" I asked trying to change the subject.

 

"Oh, we can leave in a few minutes. I just fed the dogs I just need to give them fresh water.” He explained.

 

I started thinking about the little girl again and my heart began to soften.

 

“Tamar, are you ok?” I snapped out of it and looked at him.

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“Are you alright?” he repeated.

 

“Oh, yea I was…just...thinking.” I said looking down.

 

“About?” he asked looking up as he set the bowl down on the floor for one of the dogs.

 

“Just this little girl I met at the park.” I said dismissively.

 

“What about her?” he asked. I didn’t respond right away.

 

“She was lost…and poor.” I said.

 

“Oh, that’s sad. Did you find her mama?” he asked curiously.

 

“Yea.” I said flatly.

 

“Then why the face, you should be glad.” He said petting the golden retriever.

 

“Because I saw her mother and I saw how I used to be.” I said softly as I looked down.

 

Miguel stopped petting the dog and looked up at me. “What do you mean?” he asked while continuing to pet the dog. I looked over at him.

 

“She’s on drugs.” Miguel didn’t say anything else. The dogs finished their food and came towards him. The smaller one, that he called Mixto, came over and brushed against my leg. I sat down on the floor next to Miguel to pet it. Miguel looked at me and smiled.

 

Daniel:

 

Everything looks the same. I spent the rest of the night here at home. Ain't no cops lurkin around and Sheila keeps callin my phone. I didn’t answer, I’m not going to. I took a shower and put on a white t-shirt and some jeans. Imma go visit my friend, Ziggy. He’s a couple years younger than me but he smart. By smart, I mean he thinks quick…sometimes. I just need some advice.

 

I walked past Secret’s room and looked inside, expecting her to be there and she wasn't. My stomached dropped and my heart sank. I usually take her with me, she likes him. I walked in and just looked around. I saw something, I think blonde hair, between her covers. I sat on the bed and picked it up. It was that doll I had given her. I hugged it close and then tossed it on the bed. I wonder if she thinking about me. I opened the door to leave, just in time to see Mrs. Jenkins standing there with her door open.

 

“Good morning.” I said softly.

 

She looked at me. After a few seconds of uncomfortable glaring I decided to walk away. I closed the door and started down the hall.

 

“You and that girl hittin on that baby?” she asked in a tone that sent chills down my spine.

 

It sounded more like a statement than a question. I turned to look at her and she had a facial expression that nearly scared the shit out of me. I didn’t answer her.

 

“I know you are, I hear it all the time.” She said folding her arms.

 

“I...I never wanted to…” I said almost stuttering.

 

“But you did.” She said rolling her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry.” I said looking down; it was the only thing I could say.

 

“Why you tellin me sorry? You need to be tellin God, that you’re sorry.” She said slamming the door and cursing to herself.

 

I just felt ashamed and walked slowly down the hall. Shelia just called me again…and again, I declined it. I arrived at Ziggy’s house and rang the doorbell. Ziggy was one of the guys I hung out with when I was younger. He stayed fresh. Nice house, suits, nice cars and all the ladies. He was a drug dealer too, but a classy one. He never brought the stuff openly to his own house and he always kept a low profile. For the safety of his son, Aaric.

 

“To rule with mercy. Is what it means.” His son yelled excitedly at me as I walked in.

 

“Don’t mind him, I told him earlier what it meant cuz he kept askin. Now he keeps yelling it at everybody.” He laughed.

 

“It’s all good, what’s up?” I asked greeting him with a handshake/hug.

 

“Not much bruh, what’s good which ya? How’s life?” He asked leading me to his living room. He sat down on his brown leather lazy boy chair and I sat on the matching sofa.

 

“Life is…difficult at the moment.” I answered looking down.

 

“Aw, You still drinking?” he asked.

 

“Naw man, I quit.” I answered flatly.

 

"Aw yea, cool. When was your last drink?” he asked.

 

“A few hours ago.” I answered sheepishly. He started to laugh and even I cracked a smile on my face.

 

 

“Naw but forreal, all that drinking got me into some major trouble. I don’t think straight when I’m drunk.”

 

“No one really does, only a few people can control their actions when they’re intoxicated. What kind of trouble are you in?” he asked uncrossing his leg and sitting straight up.

 

I looked over at Aaric, who was playing with a plastic toy truck. “How old is he?” I asked still looking at him.

 

“He’s five. Hey Aaric, go in your room and play, me and Daniel need to talk.” Without question or hesitation, Aaric got up with his truck and ran into his room.

 

“He’s a little parrot. If you gon say sum crazy that you wouldn’t tell Jesus, don’t ever say it in front of him.” Ziggy laughed.

 

“Oh yea?” I smiled.

 

“Yep, that boy couldn’t keep a secret if you paid him a million dollars.” We both laughed.

 

“So what’s up Daniel? And where’s my little Secret?” He asked. My smile faded and I looked down.

 

“She’s…in the hospital somewhere…maybe…she’s dead.” His smile faded too and he looked at me with this face I can’t really describe.

 

“W…what you mean?” he asked.

 

“I don’t know man I messed up…I messed up real bad.” I said feeling tears forming in my eyes.

 

“Wait, wait, wait, what did you do to Secret man?” he asked sternly.

 

“I...I’ve been abusing her man. I mean if that’s what people callin it now then yea…I’m abusing her.” I said putting my hands over my face.

 

“So much you put her in the hospital?” he asked.

 

“No…yea…I don’t know.” I said standing up and pacing the floor.

 

“Well, what happened?” he asked standing up too.

 

“Shelia man! The girl I introduced you to when I came back home.” I yelled trying to control my emotions.

 

“I let this bitch convince me to poison her! Damn Lysol in her juice and shit!” He just looked at me like I was crazy. “Man, it’s a long story. I just need some advice.” I said letting the tears spill down my cheeks as I sat back down and put my face in my hands.

 

He didn’t say anything for a moment. “I don’t know man…for the first time…I don’t know, especially being a father myself.”

 

He said looking down before he sat down. This sent chills down my spine because he always knows.

 

“Where’s Sheila now?” he asked softly.

 

“I left her in this hotel somewhere. She keep callin but I didn’t answer.” I said foldin my hands together.

 

“So, you didn't go see her in the hospital yet?” He  asked.

 

“Nah, I'm scared to.”

 

“Think anybody expects you?”

 

“I'm not sure. This man came to my crib yesterday before Sheilah and me left. He picked a fight...beat my ass though.” I said kind of chuckling to my self.

 

“Aw damn man. That explains that slight limp you got goin on..and yo nose does look a lil swollen.” he pointed out laughing. I couldn't help but laugh with him.

 

“The best advice I can give you right now though is to go home…and pray for the best. You made your bed Danny, now you gotta sleep in it.” He said softly trying not to sound cruel.

 

“I know man…” I said softly as I looked at my feet. “But I don't know if I should turn my self in, or just try and make myself right and just be a better person.”

 

“You gon take care of her still?” he asked surprised.

 

“What you tryna say?” I asked with a slight giggle. “Well, shit man, she is in the hospital at this very moment.” He said folding his arms.

 

“Yea..true. But no, I don’t think so, Tamar came back.” I responded.

 

“Damn, for real? How she doin?” he asked.

 

“Great I guess. She cleaned up like magic. Beauty restored and everything. I think she might take Secret with her.” I said sadly.

 

“Well, whatever you do, make sure your heart and your mind agree with your decision completely. You'll confuse yourself a whole lot when they agree to disagree. Remember that.” he said.

 

Secret:

 

I keep hearing noises. What is that? I opened my eyes to catch a nurse fixing up the room. She placed this and that in different areas. She seemed to move so fast. I feel better than I did yesterday. A lot better in fact. I stopped throwing up but my burns still hurt a bit. They’re kinda going away. She pulled the room divider back. I expected to see Elliot there, but he wasn’t. His bed was made neatly and I didn’t see his stuff.

 

“Morning.” The nurse greeted in a drowsy tone as she walked past.

 

“Hi…where’s the boy that was here?” I asked watching her as she raced across the room trying to clean it up.

 

“Boy? What Boy?” she asked speeding across the room like a pinball machine.

 

“The boy that was in here with me, where’d he go?” I asked loosing patience.

 

“Oh, him, he left.” She answered replacing his sheets with fresh ones.

 

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” I said sarcastically. “I meant where did he go?”

 

“He left with a woman.” She answered.

 

“What woman? Was she young or old?” I asked.

 

“Look, I just work here kid, I’m not a detective.” She said walking out of the room and closing the door behind her.

 

Dr. Pollum came in followed by a male nurse.

 

“Morning Secret. Jeff, check her pulse please.” He said as he set the clipboard down and walked towards the window and opened the curtains. Jeff came over and sat down next to me. He took my wrist and started to squeeze it hard.

 

“Ow, that hurts!” I said looking at him with irritation.

 

“I’m sorry, just checking your pulse honey.” He answered dismissing me.

 

“Well I’m breathing aren’t I?” I said snatching my arm away. He looked at Dr. Pollum who just laughed.

 

“You’re a feisty one aren’t you?" He asked me. I didn’t answer.

 

“Yes, she is.” Dr. Pollum answered for me while laughing.

 

“Breakfast will be coming soon.” The nurse said.

 

“What’s today?” I asked.

 

“Friday.” He answered.

 

“Can I have blueberry pancakes?” I asked.

 

“Um, I don’t think they have that today.” The nurse said.

 

“But I have blueberry pancakes every Friday.” I lied. I just had a taste for them.

 

“Well, that’s not healthy enough for you now. Your stomach’s still a bit sensitive.” Dr. Pollum said.

 

“But I feel fine.” I said.

 

“I’m sure you do but I don’t want to take any chances. The lining of your stomach is a bit damaged, nothing serious. Pancakes are a bit too sweet for you at the moment. How about Toast and eggs?” he asked

 

“Can I have salt and butter on them?” I asked.

 

“Afraid not.” He said with a smile.

 

“Then I don’t want it.” I said sitting back with my arms folded.

 

“Well you have to eat something honey, your body needs food. How about Jell-O?” he asked.

 

“100% sugar added?” I asked.

 

“No, sugar free.” He laughed.

 

“Cherry?” I asked.

 

“Orange.”

 

“I don’t want it. I want blueberry pancakes. I have them every Friday.” I said stubbornly.

 

“Oh yea, who makes them for you?” he asked.

 

“Daniel makes them for me…where is he?” I asked softly. Dr. Pollum looked at me but didn’t answer. “Can I call him?” I asked.

 

“Um…no, you need your rest dear. Your breakfast will be here in a moment.” he said quietly as he walked out of the room.

 

His nurse followed behind him. I sat back in my bed and crossed my arms. I’m sick of sitting here. I got out of bed and peeked outside the door. My stomach is a little sore. The nurses’ desk is right there across from my room. But no one is sitting there. I quietly tiptoed over and grabbed the phone. I quickly dialed Daniels number and hid under the desk. It rung three times, but he didn’t answer. So I tried the house phone number. This time he picked up.

 

“Hello?” he asked.

 

He sounded sleep and sober. I didn’t respond to him.

 

“Helloo?” he asked again.

 

I just sat there, I just wanted to hear his voice again. Besides, I didn’t know what to say.

 

“Anybody there?”

 

“Daniel?” I finally said. He was quiet on the other end for a minute.

 

“Secret?” he asked excitedly.

 

I couldn’t help but smile at the thought that he recognizes my voice.

 

“Where are you?” I asked him.

 

"At home. Where are you?" he asked me.

 

"At he hospital." I answered.

 

"You ok?" he asked concerned.

 

"Yea, I’m fine. Can you come get me? I wanna come home." I said feeling like a three year old.

 

There was a brief silence between us before he finally spoke.

 

"I don't think I can do that."

 

"Why not?" I asked curiously.

 

"Because...I just can't baby. I'm happy you're ok though."

 

"Well, can you come see me?" I asked.

 

"That's not really a good idea." he answered quietly. It got quiet again. "Hey look, I'll see you again later, just not now." He said trying to cheer me up.

 

"Oh, well I have to go. I’m not supposed to be on this phone." I said a little disappointed.

 

"Wait, did you see your mom?"

 

"Yeah, how'd you know?" I asked.

 

"She came by earlier."

 

"Oh, well bye. I got to go before I get caught." I said.

 

I started to hang up the phone but Daniels voice boomed through.

 

"Wait!" he said hesitantly. "I love you...I know I never showed it...or said it but... I do, I love you, Secret." and then he hung up the phone.

 

Surprised by his words, I slowly put the phone back on its receiver and snuck back into my room. I laid my head on the pillow and let his 3 words run in, out and all around me. "I love you." he said. Wonder what made him say that.

 

Tamar:

 

I'm kind of excited to see Miguel's studio. When we got there I wasn't really surprised to see the place full of beautiful paintings and drawings.

 

"I like this painting. What kind of paint is this?" I asked holding a big canvas board up with a night sky on it.

 

"It's not paint, its oil on canvas." he replied.

 

"Oh, my bad...still a painting." I said sarcastically. "Too many things to know about art."

 

"Yeah, I know. It's a lot going on with it." he laughed.

 

"Why you like it so much?" I asked.

 

"I can express my feelings this way. Good or bad, it shows through my art." He stated softly.

 

"Oh." was all I said. what else could I say?

 

"what about you?" he asked curiously.

 

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

 

"You always ask about me. What's going on with you in your life?" he asked as he sipped his water bottle. I just looked at him. He paused his drinking.

 

"Besides our current situation." he said flatly before continuing to drink. I got quiet and looked down. When I looked up, Miguel was staring at me, expecting my answers.

 

“Well, as I told you before, work at a daycare , I'm a assistant.” I said nervously.

 

He sat down in a chair backwards and rested his arms on the top while nodding his head.

 

“I only work during the day.” I said taking a seat on another chair. “But I also do volunteer work at the rehab center at night time. When you get clean and volunteer, it gives you points…” I trailed off. Miguel looked interested but a tiny bit confused. “The points get you great benefits.”

 

“Like what?” he asked.

 

“Well, the points will turn into some type of value. Either cash or a item u might need.” I explained.

 

“What can you do to get em?” he asked eagerly. “You could help with paperwork or help plan family interventions. You can also clean around the building. Or if you recommend a patient or family, that could get you some, but not always.” I said.

 

“Why not?” he asked like a little kid.

 

“Because, why would you want to get an award for trying to help someone who needs it?” I asked getting a little serious.

 

“Understandable.” Was all he said at first. “How do you get items you want instead of money?” he asked suddenly.

 

“You make a wish list of things you want or need. If your counselor or any other staff that knows you, thinks you’ve been doing good, they can take a look at your list and give at least one of those things to you, using your points.” I explained.

 

“Sounds awesome.” He said looking into my eyes thoughtfully.

 

He massaged the side of his head with two fingers. Then he ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“Your head still hurts?” I asked.

 

He just looked up but didn’t answer. I walked over to him and massaged his head for him. Not trying anything sexual, just wanted to help. He looked up at me with his beautiful brown eyes. Like an innocent baby searching for something.

 

“You ok?” I asked.

 

“Yes, why’d you ask?” as he looked down.

 

“You had a weird look on your face.” I said softly.

 

“It’s nothing.” He said gently pushing my hands away. He stood up and walked to get his coat off the table.

 

“Miguel…” I said at a low tone, not wanting him to hear but wanting him to at the same time. He turned around facing me while putting on his long black leather trench coat.

 

“What time is Secret’s visit?” I asked avoiding what I really wanted to tell him .

 

“In about 30 minutes.” He said. “Why, you need something?” he asked.

 

“May I run to that store across the street? I wanna get her something.” I requested softly.

 

“Sure, we have time.” he as he opened the door. 

 

I grabbed my red coat and headed out. His cell phone started to ring and he answered it. He hung it back up immediately. I guess no one was on it. We were outside in the fresh, cold, crisp air. His phone rang again.

 

“Lo siento.” He said to me as he answered.

 

“You can go ahead.” He suggested as he leaned against his car and began his conversation. I walked in the shop and looked around. A older man had come from the back room with a box.

 

“May I help you?” he asked not looking in my direction.

 

“Any suggestions for a 9 year old girl?” I asked with a smile.

 

“9 year old girl, huh?” he asked still not looking at me. “I think I might have something…” he said as he turned to look at me but stopped dead in his tracks.

 

He starred at me for a moment, like he was examining me or something.

 

“Is everything alright?” I asked.

 

"I’m fine. You just look familiar.” He said still eying me curiously. He walked over to a rack of girl clothes. “I’ve got some nice warm sweater dresses.” He said pointing to a red one to show it to me.

 

“It’s very cute.” I complimented.

 

He walked away and came back with a red pair of shoes. “These match.” He said smiling.

 

“Let’s try black.” I suggested. He shrugged his shoulders.

 

“Yeah, too much red.” He giggled.

 

When he went to get the shoes, Miguel had just walked in. “Everything ok?” he asked coming over.

 

“Yeah, you like this dress?” I asked.

 

“Si, it’s cute.” He said touching it.

 

“Think she’ll like it?” I asked curiously.

 

“I hope, she’s very unpredictable.” He answered.

 

“If she doesn’t, you can bring it back.” The man smiled. “And it’s free of charge.”

 

“That’s very kind of you, gracias.” Miguel thanked.

 

“You’re welcome.” He said with a smile.

 

“I need to get her some fresh clothes. “ I said as I spotted a cute little sweater on a different rack. I grabbed it and a pair of jeans off of a shelf.

 

“I’ll take these!” I said excitedly.

 

“Great.” He said taking the dress and shoes. He went to the counter and bagged them up. Miguel’s phone rang again. He looked at it and dismissed it quickly.

 

“Busy?” I asked.

 

“I don’t know who it is. Same number keeps calling, but no answer when I pick up.” He explained.

 

“That’s pretty strange.” I said with a twisted look.

 

“Yeah, I guess.” He said as he brushed it off. The man came back with our bags and handed them to me.

 

“Have a nice day.” He said with a smile.

 

Miguel took them from me. I looked at him with an observing look. He smiled.

 

“Just being a gentleman.”

 

“Your mother taught you well.” I said softly. He gave a half smile and looked down.

 

“Maybe we should get going.” He suggested.

 

“Oh you’re right.” I said walking towards the door.

 

“Come again.” The man smiled.

 

I waved at him as Miguel opened the car door for me. We got in the car and pulled off. This may sound a bit strange but I loved the smell of his car.

 

“You’re so clean.” I stated accidently out loud.

 

“What?” he asked with a slight giggle.

 

“Nothing.” I retreated swiftly.

 

“No, tell me.” He begged curiously. I took a deep breath and repeated myself.

 

“What you mean?” he asked half laughing.

 

“You’re clean. Your house, your car, you…” I trailed off. “Everything’s so clean.”

 

“Not my life.” He stated sharply.

 

It was quiet for a few minutes. I broke the silence with “I’m sorry.” He looked at me with a “For what?” face.

 

“I didn’t mean to put you through any of this.”

 

I said softly. “Through what?”  He asked. 

 

I had a feeling he was playing dumb. Like he wanted me to admit that it was my fault.

 

“All of this.” I said playing with my hands. It’s kind of a nervous thing.

 

“I didn’t mean for you to find out about Secret, at least not this way.” I said softly, more to myself than to him.

 

He didn’t respond, he just kept driving and looking ahead.

 

“I’m sorry for putting this all on you. My plan was to get clean, get Secret and take her with me and try to rebuild our life together.” I stated.

 

“You thought it’d be that easy?” he asked with a mocking tone in his voice.

 

“It sounded simple in my mind.” I said sassily with my arms folded. I had felt offended.

 

There was an awkward silence between us and then the car was stopped by a red light. Still silent. Miguel turned on the radio. Good, I was feeling extremely uncomfortable. 

 

We finally arrived at the hospital. As soon as he parked, I hopped out of the car. The tension in it felt like I was carrying a heavy ass kid on my shoulders. He got out too and caught up with me and grabbed my arm gently.

 

“Tamar…” he said softly. I didn’t look at him, I didn’t want to.  “Look, I didn’t mean anything by what I said.”

 

He said gently grabbing me by my chin to face him. 

 

“It’s not your fault. My life wasn’t clean before you came anyway.” He said apologetically. 

 

He looked at me with his beautiful eyes that seemed to say “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine.” I said moving his hand away and walking towards the hospital doors. He caught up with me but didn’t say anything else.

 

When we got to the front desk, Miguel signed us in. The nurse gestured us into the waiting area with a few other people. I thought she was being completely rude. Her big head ass was on the phone and the conversation didn’t sound related to her job. People were trying to ask her questions and the sign up line was starting to get longer little by little. But the bitch paid close attention when Miguel walked back up to the desk to ask about the visit hold up. I walked up next to him just to see her reaction. Her face changed quickly and I couldn’t help but laugh to myself.

 

“Secret Stone?” she asked.

 

“Si, senorita.” Miguel answered.

 

She got on the phone again and I guess she called the doctor.

 

“They moved her from the room so it could be cleaned and prepared for the next patient. She’s been transported to a different unit since she’s getting better. She’s playing with the other kids in the play room. You’ll see her shortly.” She said aggravated and annoyed.

 

“Gracias.” He said politely.

 

She looked at me with a face. “Mhmm, you and your friend have a nice day.” She said with a fake smile. I just looked at her with a “Bitch, try again.” look. Miguel squeezed my arm gently and pulled me away. We sat down in the chairs and finally after a few moments, they called our names for Secret’s visit.  A nurse walked us towards a new room. Another nurse came running towards her and whispered something in her ear. She pointed towards a door.

 

“There’s Miss Secret’s door. I’m sorry, there’s an emergency.” She said walking off quickly. Miguel walked towards it eagerly but stopped by the door when he realized I wasn’t following him.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

 

“I don’t want to go in.” I said flatly.

 

“Why not?”  He asked curiously. I didn’t respond.

 

“Tamar, it’ll be alright.” Miguel reassured.  I shook my head.

 

“No, how about you go in first. Then just come back and tell me how she’s doing.” He just looked at me for a minute so I gave him a serious look to let him I wasn’t joking.

 

“Ok..” he said opening the door.

 

Miguel:

 

I understand why Tamar didn’t want to go in, so I didn’t bug her about it. Secret was sitting on the bed watching TV.

 

“Hi sweetie.” I said softly. She looked at me and said hey. “You feeling better?” I asked.

 

“Yes, a lot better.” She answered softly.

 

“That’s real good.” I answered. There was an awkward tension in the room.

 

“Can I go home?” she asked.

 

“Yes, well if the doctor says you can.” I said trying to comfort her. 

 

“I want Daniel.” She said quietly.

 

I couldn’t, and mostly, didn’t want to respond to that.

 

“When is the last time you saw him?” I asked hesitantly.

 

“Yesterday morning.” She said silently.  The doctor walked in.

 

“I want to go home to Daniel.”  She stated again.

 

“You can go home with your mother.” He offered.  “I don’t want to go home with her, I want to go home with Daniel.” She said stubbornly.

 

Tamar had just walked in and I’m quite sure she heard it.

 

“But, you can’t.”  he said sympathetically.

 

“Why not, he’s my dad.” She said. I swear my heart stopped at that moment.

 

“We’re going to have to tell her eventually.” I interrupted. 

 

Tamar had this frightened look on her face.

 

“Tell me what?” Secret asked.

 

"Can you leave the room?" Tamar asked the Nurse.

 

"Of course, I'll be back in a few." he responded.

 

“Well…” I paused. Not exactly sure on how I should break the news.

 

“Daniel…he did a bad thing. He hurt you, he and Sheila both.” I tried to explain.

 

“They poisoned your food and tried to kill you. We have to keep him from you…for your own safety."

 

She didn’t have a reaction to the news. She simply sat there as if we had told her nothing at all. Neither her facial expression nor her body language moved a muscle. 

 

“Secret, did you hear us? Do you understand?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” Was all she said.

 

“You’ll be able to leave in about an hour.” The Doctor popped in and told her. “I’ll get the discharge papers.” He said to Tamar as he left the room again.

 

My phone rang again. Same number so I just let it ring.

 

“Can I go back to the play room?” Secret asked.

 

“Ask your mother.” I said trying to put Tamar in control a little bit.

 

Tamar looked at me like I was crazy…and so did Secret. There was an awkward silence and heavy tension in the room. My phone rang again. It gave me a perfect excuse to leave; I didn’t really want to stay in there.

 

“I’m going to take this.” I said gratefully.

 

I was trying to leave out but Tamar grabbed my arm secretly and looked at me as if we weren’t going to see each other again. I lightly touched her arm to reassure her. She looked at Secret and then back to me and then let me go. I waited outside the door and answered the phone. Nothing.  I stayed on longer to see if anyone would speak but all I got was a dial tone, so I hung up.

 

A few seconds later Secret walked out the room and walked right past me. She didn’t say anything to me and went on her way. Tamar stood next to me.

 

“How’d it go?” I asked.

 

“It was just an awkward silence. We didn’t speak.” She said softly.

 

“So, you just let her walk out the room?” I asked not surprised. 

 

“Look, she’s been through enough for now, she doesn’t need anyone chastising her.” She said sternly.

 

“You cannot be afraid of her.” I said unfolding my arms and walking away.

 

She followed behind quickly and grabbed my arm to stop me.

 

“I am not afraid of her.” She said forcefully.

 

“Prove it. Go tell her to come back then. You did not give her permission to leave.”  I suggested.

 

“Fine, I will.” She said as she walked off quickly around the corner.

 

She came back a few seconds later….Secret less. 

 

“Well, where is she?” I asked in a mocking tone.

 

“I couldn’t do it.” She said simply.

 

“Right.” I said with a smile.

 

“I’m not scared of her exactly; I’m more afraid of what she’ll say… words hurt.” She explained.

 

At first, I really didn’t have a comment for that, only because she was right.

 

“Secret can be a little aggressive sometimes, but it’s only because she is hurt.”  I tried to tell her.

 

She didn’t reply. She just stared off in space.

 

“I know it’s my fault. Don’t have to rub it in.” she said folding her arms and looking down.

 

      I walked away towards her Secrets room but then stopped in my tracks.

 

"Maybe you should help her get dressed, I'll pack her things." I said softly continuing on my way.

 

I walked inside and there was a nurse inside looking at the files hanging on the wall and writing things down on her clipboard.

 

“Excuse me, senorita, but is it really safe for Secret to leave the hospital?” I asked all of a sudden concerned.

 

She did almost die...and she did only spend one night in the hospital. Just a remarkable miracle I suppose. Thank God.

 

“Absolutely fine. We had to pump out nearly half of her little body.” She laughed jokingly. 

 

She had orangey brown hair and a southern accent. Not too strong, but enough to notice. I just looked at her with an uncomfortable grimace. She saw my disapproval and slowly stopped.

 

“Don’t worry about her hun, she’ll be fine. She’ll maybe throw up a little bit later, but she’s fine.” She said with a smile and walked out of the room.

 

I gathered some of her things the hospital gave her and packed them into a suitcase I had brought from home. She didn’t really have clothes, except the hospital gown and the clothes she wore here. I hope she likes the dress Tamar bought her.

Chapter Five: Bitterness

 

 Tamar:

 

 

I know I have to fix everything. I know I messed up. I know it’s my fault. I know she hates me. But she’s gonna have to work with me. I’m here now and I’m not leaving. I followed her to where she walked and she led me to this play room. There were sick kids playing with toys or each other and some reading. I saw Secret and she wasn’t doing anything. She was sitting on the floor in a corner: Staring into space, like she was thinking or something. I stood by the door and rested my head on the frame. Looking and observing everything. Some of these kids looked really sick, more than they acted. Some of them were very young. I walked in slowly and walked towards Secret. I tried calling her name but she didn’t respond. I sat down on the floor next to her and tapped her. She jumped a little and looked at me.

 

“You ok?” I asked a little concerned.

 

She just looked at me for a minute and nodded her head. I didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

 

“Well, it’s almost time to go home.” I said softly.

 

“Home..?” she asked. It was really low, like a murmur, and seemed like she was asking herself more than she was asking me.

 

“Yes baby…home.” I repeated. “You have to stay with me. I can take care of you now…at least better than I ever could.” I hung my head with slight shame and confidence. She didn’t respond to me. “You ready?”

 

She nodded her head. I stood up and reached my hand out to her. After a few seconds of staring at it, she stood up but didn’t take my hand. But she let me place my hands on her shoulders and walk back to her room. Miguel had just finished putting her things in the suitcase he had brought from home. I looked in the plastic bag for the new shirt and jeans I bought her.

 

“Here, sweetie, go and change in the bathroom.” I said handing her the clothes. She took them reluctantly, but gratefully and sniffed them, before going into the bathroom.

 

“Well, that went well.” Miguel smiled proudly.

 

I smiled back but I didn’t say anything. The doctor came in with the release papers and Miguel took them to sign.

 

“Mr., Rodriguez, the parent has to sign them.” Miguel looked up at him and then to me before handing me the papers.

 

“Parent has to sign.” He repeated staring at me.

 

I almost snatched them and smiled. After I signed it, I gave them back to the doctor.

 

“Great, all good to go!” He smiled. He shook both our hands and told me “Good luck.” I smiled faintly and nodded.

 

“Thanks.”

 

He left the room and there was an awkward silence. Then Miguel broke it.

 

“So, where are you going to stay?” he asked eagerly.

 

“Well, I’ll wait a few days before going back home.” I answered.

 

“We might stay in a motel.”

 

“You could stay with me.” He offered genuinely. “Miguel we can’t. You said till Secret got out.” I explained while fixing and straightening up the room nervously.

 

“Besides, she doesn’t know about you. You know how strange it would be to her if she and her mother stayed with the teacher?” I asked finding a good argument to turn him down.

 

“Oh, yea you’re right.” He said disappointedly.

 

“So…when do you plan on telling her?” he asked.

 

“I…I don’t know Miguel...I honestly don’t.” I answered softly.

 

When I looked up at him, he looked heartbroken.

 

“Well, how do you think we should tell her?” I asked.

 

“I don’t know yet, but Tamar I can’t just sit in the background.” I didn’t respond. “I want to be there for her.”

 

“So do I.” I said looking at him. He didn't respond and there was a briefe silence. “How about Christmas?” I asked in a low voice.

 

He looked up as if he were thinking about it. “Great.” He smiled.

 

I smiled back and stepped away quickly. I didn’t want to end up kissing him.

 

Secret finally emerged from the bathroom and just looked at us.

 

“Hey, I was um just talking to your mother.” He said slickly. There was another awkward silence.

 

“You ready?” I asked her. She just looked at me and then nodded her head slowly.

 

“Where’s your coat?” I asked.

 

“It’s at home.” She said softly.

 

“Home?” I repeated to myself.

 

“She didn’t have her coat with her when she came to school.” Miguel answered.

 

“Oh…” was all I said while looking at her.

 

Who was going to get Secret’s stuff from home? What if Daniel and that girl were still there? I took my coat off and gently put it on Secret. She didn’t push me away, she just kept looking at me. It was like she was looking for something in my eyes. Miguel grabbed her bag and walked out behind us to the parking lot. The cold air brushed my face harshly as the wind zipped past like it was trying to win an neverending race.

 

Miguel popped his trunk and placed the bag in as I helped Secret settle in the car. Her stomach is still sore, so it hurts for her to lift up or bend. Her doctor said that any kind of pressure on her stomach isn’t good for her. She winced as I tried helping her get in his truck. We drove to the nearest hotel that we could find. I went inside first and paid for at least three days. Miguel tried to give me money before I got out, but I refused. The man at the counter wore a raggedy wife beater with yellowy brown sweat stains under his arms that showcased his big round belly. He looked to be in his late forties, and he was badly in need for a shave. All the hair on his body was grey and black.

 

“That’ll be 120.” He said flatly. I handed him the money and went upstairs to check out the room.

 

I opened the door and looked around. It had a small coffee table and two beds. There was a TV and a small bathroom. An air conditioner was on the wall and a small window overlooking the parking lot.

 

“I guess it’ll do…” I said out loud to myself.

 

I went back downstairs and ran into the man from the counter. We just looked at eachother for a minute before I hurriedly walked past him. Miguel had gotten out of the car already and took Secret’s bag out of the trunk.

 

“I’ll bring your suitcase and things back tonight.” He said to me in a whisper so Secret wouldn’t hear.

 

I nodded and went around to help Secret get out of the car. She was sound asleep. I tried my best to gently pick her up so I wouldn't hurt her, but I think I did anyway. She moaned painfully when I put her in my arms.

 

“She ok?” Miguel asked.

 

“Yes, I got her.” I replied.

 

I lead Miguel inside the hotel and up to our room. The man at the counter was staring at us as we disappeared around the corner and up the stairs.

 

“Why the hell is he looking at us?” Miguel whispered.

 

“I don't know, ignore it.” I whispered back. We got in front of our room, 2A, and I softly kicked the door I had left ajar, open.

 

“Well, I don't like him.” Miguel said softly as he set the suitcase against the door.

 

“Well, Miguel, just forget about it.” I said almost laughing. “Can you help me?” I asked gesturing to the bed.

 

He moved the extra pillow out of the way and moved the covers back. I gently laid Secret down on her back and watched her for a minute. I sat on the bed next to her and took her shoes off. Then I placed the covers over her and tucked her in.

 

“I don't want to take her clothes off. She can do it herself...I don’t want to hurt her.” I said softly out loud.

 

“I’ll go get your stuff for you now, while she’s still asleep.” He whispered walking towards the door.

 

I turned to Miguel and thanked him.

 

“De nada.” he smiled as he left the room.

 

Miguel:

 

I walked back down the stairs to the main floor. This hotel was nowhere near fancy. Very cheap and tacky. The lights in the halls were either out, dim or flickering. But most of all, I didn’t like the man at the counter. I wish they could’ve stayed with me, but I know Tamar wouldn’t allow it. I got to my car and started to get in but stopped when I noticed the man at the counter staring at me. We glared at each other uncomfortably before he finally looked away.

 

I got in and drove halfway home before being stopped by a red light. I rested my head on the steering wheel and let out an exhausted sigh. A loud horn honked and shook me out of my daze. When I arrived home, I opened the door and my little dog came towards me. I picked him up and sat on the couch. I looked around the empty house and for the first time, felt a sense of loneliness. “I’m not lonely, am I?” I asked my dog. He looked at me as if he had understood my question. I laughed and set him on the ground.

 

I went upstairs to grab Tamar’s things. She had already packed them. I put the bag into my trunk and drove off to get them to Tamar. I called her beforehand to let her know I was coming. She was already downstairs when I pulled up. I pulled the bag out of the trunk and set it on the ground. Tamar came around and grabbed it as I was closing the trunk.

 

“It’s alright, I got it.” I said as I took it from her hands.

 

She smiled and nodded in approval. She held the doors open for me until we got to her room. I set the bag down by the door.

 

“Thanks for everything Miguel.” She said softly as she hugged me. She backed off and started playing with her fingers. She always does that when she’s nervous.

 

“It’s alright.” I felt like I had to do something. This is my child and her mother here.

 

“Well goodnight.” I said trying to break the awkward silence.

 

I started to go for the door but something was on my mind.

 

“Tamar, I’m sorry for last night. I know I was not being easy to work with.” I apologized.

 

“It’s fine Miguel. I understand.” She smiled.

 

“Tamar…did we?” I asked embarrassed.

 

She looked at me with a puzzled face.

 

“I know that I was drunk and I only remember so much. I thought we did but I didn’t wake up next to you like we used to She just looked at me and didn’t respond.

 

“Did we?” I asked now playing with my fingers.

 

“Did you want us to?” she answered.

 

“Don’t’ answer with a question.” I said amused.

 

She gently pushed me towards the door.

 

“Tamar, please?” I begged.

 

“If you don’t remember, then why does it matter?” she smiled.

 

She had a point.

 

“Tamar…” I said with sigh.

 

“Fine. No, we didn’t.”

 

“You lie.” I said unsure of myself. She started to laugh.

 

“I’m serious,” she said trying to catch her breath.

 

“I mean, we fooled around a lot, but we never touched.” She said sweetly.

 

“Really?” I asked a tiny bit surprised.

 

“Honest to God truth.” She responded before pushing me into the hall. “Goodnight.” She smiled as she closed the door.

 

Damn, no love? I asked myself. A part of me was a little relieved, but the rest was a little disappointed. I’m not exactly sure why...maybe because deep down inside, I wanted to. I wanted her, I had to admit. I walked back down the stairs to my car and got in, relaxing myself as I drove home. I started to think about Leelah, I haven’t talked to her since she left the hospital. I wonder how she’s doing. But it’s late, I’ll call her later. As I pulled into my driveway, I turned off the car and soaked in the events of today. I feel like I have different emotions and motives.

 

A part of me wants to be the family man that I never had, and to take care of my responsibilities. And the other, feels like maybe I should just back out and let Tamar and Secret leave and live their lives their own way. Maybe it would be for the best. But I can’t, I will not allow myself to abandon her…or them? I'm confusing myself. I opened the door and hung up my coat on the coat rack. That’s funny…I don’t remember leaving my living room light on. I swear I turned it off, right before I left.

 

I looked around my surroundings to see if anything else was out of place. I didn’t see anything yet, until I noticed that my smaller dog was outside. He was inside the first time I came back, but I had never put him out…did I? I dismissed the idea and jogged upstairs to check the rest of the house to see if other things were out of place, but there was nothing. Maybe I’m mistaken. Maybe things have finally taken their toll on me, I laughed to myself. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked around once more before heading back downstairs.

 

When I got to the bottom, there was a man standing near my glass sliding door. He locked his eyes with mine and a gentle smile curled upon his face. It was sort of an unreadable expression, so I couldn’t tell of his intentions. He seemed very unmoved by the fact that I had caught him inside my house uninvited. In fact, he looked as though he were enjoying it.

 

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you to lock your front door?” He giggled.

 

“Who are you? What do you want?" I asked feeling myself slowly growing defensive but remaining calm.

 

His hair was black and shorter than mines. He had facial hair that was cleaned up very nicely. So, I could tell that he wasn't a bum...I think.

 

“I just wanted to say Hola to you.” He said smiling.

 

“Ok, Hola, now get out.” I said sternly.

 

“C’mon, you really don’t remember me?” he said walking closer.

 

“Stop, you stay there. Don’t come any closer” I said backing away a little bit.

 

He stopped and gave me a puzzled look.

 

“Oh, really? I can’t give love to my own familia?” he asked laughing.

 

Family? He can speak Spanish? Who the hell is this?

 

“Lo siento señor, pero no te conozco.” He looked at me confused.

 

I guess he doesn’t speak Spanish.

 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.” I repeated in English.

 

“No, I understood you. I just don’t understand how could you not recognize your own hermano, your brother?” He said with a disbelieved scoff.

 

Brother?

 

“C’mon Miguelito, don’t tell me that you don’t know me.” He said Coming closer.

 

Miguelito? I haven’t heard that name in so long, only close family called me that.  The name brought back so many memories instantly.

 

“Enrique?” I questioned, not really wanting to believe him.

 

“Hola, baby brother. Miss me?” he asked coming over to hug me. I didn’t really embrace him back.

 

“It’s good to see you Miguelito, been a very long time.” I just looked at him.

 

“Yea, try 25 years.” I corrected flatly.

 

“Well, I’ve been trying to call you.” He admitted nervously.

 

“So, that was you? Calling here and not answering?” I asked.

 

“Sí, the calls kept dropping during my flight.” 

 

“I see. Well, what do you want?” I asked.

 

“I told you, I wanted to say hello.” he answered.

 

“Hello. Now leave.” I said pointing to the door.

 

“Really, you are going to put your own family out?” he asked amused.

 

“I have no family.” I stated flatly.

 

“You do realize I have feelings, don't you? C'mon Miguelito, don't be like that.”  he sarcastically.

 

“Stop calling me that!” I snapped.

 

”You are not welcome here. Vete, go away.”

 

“I see...,” He said thinking. “You still don't forgive me for leaving you and mother, do you?”

 

“Exactly. Now get out.” I repeated.

 

“Miguel, that was so long ago.” he said. I said nothing. “I see a grudge has traveled for many years.”

 

“You promised me.” I said slowly remembering.

 

“Miguel, you're a grown man now, get over it.” he said flatly while walking over to my sink. “Where do you keep your glasses?” He asked looking through my cabinets.

 

“Yea, you're right...but I wasn't a grown man when you made the promise.” I said standing with my arms folded.

 

He got a glass and turned around to look at me. “Look, you're right. I'm sorry.” he said defeated.

 

“You never came back. You didn't tell mama where you were going, and you made me promise not to tell her that you were leaving. In exchange you were gonna come back for us, but you didn't, you never came back.”

 

 “All is forgiven.” He stated as he drank from the glass.

 

“No its not.” I said surprised with his audacity.

 

“Well, reality had to hit you sooner or later. I just taught you an early lesson, that's all.” he replied.

 

I gave him a confused look. He laughed. “About liars Miguelito.”

 

I shook my head in disbelief. “You're an asshole.”

 

He looked at me with amusement.

 

“Well, you don't have to call me names. At least you know now.” he laughed .

 

“I really should just kick your ass, that's what I should do.” I said shaking my head and walking towards the bathroom mirror.

 

“Yea you probably should but, you won't.” he called after me mockingly.

 

His words pissed me off a little.

 

“What?” I asked provoking him as I walked out of the bathroom.

 

“You'll just recoil in fear like you've always have.” he said taking another sip from the glass. “I used to win every fight we had.” He laughed.

 

“I'm not a little kid anymore. I could hurt you.” I said reassuring him.

 

“Prove it then.” He said setting the glass down.  “C'mon, you've got all this anger and resentment towards me. Let it out. Strike a punch.” he said smiling while coming close to me and pointing at himself.

 

I stared at him but I didn't move.

 

“Like I thought. You've always had a sort of weakness in you Miguelito.” He laughed as he turned his back.

 

I grabbed his shoulder and turned his body to face me before I punched him across the face. He stumbled back and fell to the ground.

 

“Get out of my damn house.” I said as I looked down on him before walking away.

 

He got up, laughed and jumped on my back. Does he think this is a game? I tossed him off and threw a few more punches. He tried to punch me, but missed. I tried to punch him, and missed too. I lost my way and he put me in a head lock. I elbowed him in his stomach so he could release his grip. I tackled him but he grabbed me at the same time causing us both to  fall onto the small coffee table and break it.

 

We didn't move after that. We both laid there in the debris of wood, plastic and glass as our heavy breathing mixed with the feeling of our own pains.

 

“You broke my vase.” I said holding my arm over my face to cover my eyes, exhausted.

 

Enrique started to laugh.

 

“The hell are you laughing at?” I asked out of breath.

 

“You.” He groaned as he sat up and continued to laugh. “You have father's temper....and his strength too.” he said massaging his neck. “The hell did that come from you soft son of a bitch?” He asked while laughing.

 

I looked at him while still lying down, as I too couldn't help but laugh.

 

“I hate you.” I said trying to catch my breath.

 

“Love you too Miguelito, Love you too.” he said gently hitting my stomach.

 

I smiled as I sat up, leveled with him. We both looked around our surroundings and each other.

 

“Look at us.” Enrique said as he plucked a small piece of wood from my hair.

 

“I know.” I said flatly.

 

“I'm sorry, man. A promise is a promise, and it's one I intend to keep.” he said thoughtfully.

 

“Well, it’s a little late for that.” I said standing and helping him up.

 

“Gracias.” he thanked. “But that's the real reason  why I came by.” I looked at him confused as I started picking up the pieces of garbage. “I uh, came to invite you to our first family reunion…back in Mexico.” he said helping me.

 

“Reunion? What reunion?” I asked.

 

“The family has decided to get back together. All is forgiven.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well, I had finally found mama and papa years ago. Remember after that real long drought, it started to rain suddenly?” he asked excited.

 

I nodded in agreement. “Yea, I remember father locking me out in it for an hour until mother let me in.”

 

His smile faded and he looked down.

 

“Well the vineyard's soil finally refurbished after those months of heavy rain. A year later, the grape vine roots started to grow. Two springs later and the grapes blossomed in sweet delicious bulbs. Money was finally flowing within our family's pockets.” He said softly, dismissing my statement.

 

“Well that's nice.” I said picking up the broken vase pieces. “When is it?”

 

“That depends.”

 

“On what?”

 

“If you will you come.”

 

“Why?” I asked.

 

“Because if you won’t come then why does it matter?”

 

“Enrique….” I said a little annoyed. “Just tell me.”

 

“Fine, It’s in March. Will you come?”  

 

“I doubt it.” I said sternly.

 

“Why not, everyone wants to see you.”

 

“I don’t think I want to see any of them.”

 

“why?”

 

“I’m….I’m not ready. I’m not ready to face the past.” I said admittedly.

 

“Oh, I see.” He said a little disappointed. He grabbed his coat and put it on. He grabbed his suitcases that he hid outside where the dogs were.

 

“Well I hope you change your mind little brother.”

 

“Where are you going?” I asked.

 

“Well, I’m leaving.” He laughed.

 

I walked over and took the suitcases from him and gestured with a slight nod upstairs. He Smiled at me as he followed me upstairs. I gave him the room that Tamar had stayed in.

 

“So, this means I can stay?” he asked chuckling.

 

“Don’t flatter yourself.” I said as I set the suitcases down.

 

“It’s alright, I won’t be staying long. I have to get back soon for work.”

 

“What do you do?” I asked curiously.

 

“I’m the head construction manager in New Jersey. How about you?”

 

“I’m an elementary school teacher.”

 

“You like teaching snot nosed little runts?” he asked chuckling.

 

“Yea, just as much as you like getting dirt under your fingernails and dust in your ass.” I replied dryly.

 

He started to laugh. “Ah, you’re alright Miguelito.” He said as he patted me hard on the back. “You’re alright.”

 

I looked at him with a little touch of doubt. A part of me didn't want to believe him and felt a sense of mistrust. Like something about him, or something about his whole reason being here was a lie. But for now, I put my doubts aside, just to let the wound of a broken childhood heal, enough for me to admit to myself that I missed my stupid hermano--my brother.

 

Tamar:

 

Dear Diary,

It's 10 A.M. and I don't know how to feel. I feel so relieved and scared and everything in between. I cried in the bathroom last night after Miguel left for an hour and a half. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I was crying. Was I sad? Was I happy? Am I scared? I don't know.

I didn't think this far ahead. I look and check on Secret almost every five minutes. Maybe I'm just paranoid, I don't know. I feel like I have to though. I'm hoping she will grow to love me as much as I love her. I don't think she understands my circumstance just yet. But hopefully she will. 

 

My cell phone rang unexpectedly and I jumped. I answered it quickly so it wouldn't wake Secret. She shifted slightly in her sleep. I took a nice relieved breath because I wasn't ready for her to wake up. I don't know what I would say to her. I hadn't thought I would get this far ahead. And to be honest, I'm a bit overwhelmed.

"Hello?" I answered looking back over my shoulder towards Secret.

"Hey, Tamar? It's Miguel, how are you?"

 

"I'm fine, thanks."

"And Secret? Is she ok?" He asked concerned.

"Yes. She's fine too...we're both fine thank you Miguel." I said as I smiled warmly.

 

There was an awkward silence for a moment.

"Hello?" I asked uncertain if he was still there.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I...I uhh...I called to ask if you and Secret...would like to come to breakfast with me...this morning?" He asked hesitantly.

"Um, hold on ok?"

 

I turned around to look over at Secret who was already sitting up on the bed looking at me. I didn't have anything to say so we stared blankly at early other for a second.

 

"Good morning." I said awkwardly.

Nothing.

 

"How you feeling baby?"

 

Still nothing.

 

"Your teacher asked us to breakfast. I didn't want to say yes without your permission first...see if you were feeling better?"

 

She looked at me with a face I can't explain. Not intimidating like normal but it was weird.

 

"What do you say? I could use a bite, how about yourself?"

 

Nothing came from her but the sound of her growling stomach.

 

"I'll take that as a yes?" I asked with a smile.

 

She nodded slowly and climbed off the bed and walked towards the bathroom.

 

"Hello?" I asked getting back on phone.

"Oh Hi, how about it?" He asked with nervousness.
"We'll come." I smiled.
"Great! I'll be there in an hour and 30 minutes!" He said with eager excitement.
"Ok cool, we should be ready." I smiled.
"Ok, bye." He giggled.
"Bye."

 

Secret emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later. She stood in the doorway of the bathroom and stared at me.

 

"How you doin baby? Feelin ok?" I asked nervously.

She shrugged her shoulders and looked down at the floor.

 

"Good dreams?" I asked.

 

She shook her head as she silently played with the door frame.

 

"Oh..." I said not able to think of anything else. "I did." I said trying to keep the one sided conversation going. "Wanna know what it was about?" I said walking over to the bed i slept on.

 

She looked up interested, but she didn't answer.

 

"I'll tell you if you come and sit with me." 

 

She hesitated for a moment and then slowly walked over and sat on the far end of the bed away from me. I looked down at my feet trying to think of a way to make this dream up. I kinda wished that she would come closer, but at the same time I was a bit relieved she didn't. I would want to touch her and I don't think she'll let me. I just started to say whatever came to mind.

 

"I had a dream...that this woman, she was lost in space. She wasn't really lost but she still couldn't see anything. She couldn't see the three things she needed to see. They were really important for her, kind of like far friends, but at the time she didn't know that.They had names too, did you know that?" I asked.

She shook her head no. 

 

"Their names were Hopes, Dreams, and Responsibilities. Kinda weird names huh?" I giggled softly. "Hopes was the strongest one of all of them. They tried so so hard to protect and guide her the best way they could to keep her from falling. But then one day, she slipped anyway. They tried to hold on to her but she still fell. Hope tried to grab onto her before she hit the floor but she couldn't. The woman was ok, because someone helped her up...but, it wasn't her three friends like she thought. It was three others, who were lurking in the background of her life, waiting to get a chance to lend out their hands. They had names too."

 

"Their names were Despair, Darkness and Failure. The woman reached out her hand to them to help her up, she didn't know any better. She just wanted to get up. Despair, the strongest, swooped down and hoisted her off the ground into his arms. Hopes tried her best to take the woman out of his arms but darkness flew over and surrounded her until she couldn't see. Failure launched its arms through  Dreams and shattered her into pieces.  Responsibilities, scared of her 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Impressum

Texte: Heaven Evette Creater
Bildmaterialien: Google images/ Heaven Evette Creater
Lektorat: Heaven Evette Creater
Übersetzung: Heaven Evette Creater
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 06.07.2012

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Widmung:
To everyone that lost all hope or ever wanted to give up. To everyone that didn't have a perfect life but still had the courage to continue. This one's for you. (Don't forget to add to your favorites and leave a comment! It motivates me to add more and work on it!! I've been very busy.)