before all else

I see the world the way it should be seen, a dark gray tedious existence. I calmly walk towards the window. As I reach to open it I start to feel the sensation again. My fingers go numb as I pull them back and hug them close to me. Excruciating pain swells through my chest and I begin to cough. The warm, sticky liquid spills out through my nose and mouth. I cough again, sending blood flying everywhere. I do nothing to stop it. I know this all too well. The darkness comes too soon I feel myself start to swoon. It feels like the fall to the ground takes a lifetime. I don’t feel my landing but then again I hardly feel anything anymore. The blackness is coming and I don’t know how to stop it, so I except it and close my eyes hoping that this time I won’t wake.
There are few enjoyable moments when this occurs. Once I’ve lost consciousness my mind begins to wander and I have the most blissful and intoxicating delusions not that I remember them just the feeling of excitement they leave me with. The world holds no interest for me and my life is as dull and bleak as anyone’s. The little excitement that there is, isn’t enough to keep me captivated unlike my delusions.
The illusions never start different it’s always as though I’m alone in the nothingness of the world. Blackness surrounds me as I blink rapidly trying to see anything but the void my illusion dropped me in. I raise my hand but it’s so dark I can’t see my fingers tremble in front of me. I stand there in silence almost waiting for that certain individual to make an appearance.
I hear him before I see him. The soft slaps of his shoes on the concrete echo through the emptiness that surrounds us. I chuckle softly wondering where he’ll take me this time. Soon enough he slowly emerges from the Cimmerian shade. This man is beautiful. There’s nothing unattractive about him. The way the dark seems to shy away from him almost as though he’s glowing. His eyes shining and his lips pursed as though he’s deep in thought. He starts to speak then and the sound almost stops my heart. His voice was sweet and velvety...like chocolate, mesmerizing with each syllable.
“Do you remember this?” his voice is almost like a purr, soft and humble as his words run together.
“How could I not? Even I could hear the slight irritation in my voice. How could I not remember this? It’s the only thing I look forward to. He cocks his head sideways as though he’s confused. But His face twists up and he wears the expression of wonder and there’s a visible jolt of surprise but I make the mistake of blinking and in a flash the expression he wore disappears. From where I’m standing I can see him quivering. This time it is me who wears the expression of wonder. I open my mouth to ask him the question he seems to be waiting for but no words come out. My lower lip begins to tremble and I’m over taken with the feeling of anguish as though I’m departing with something I have a great need for…
I stop in mid thought as he jerks abruptly and takes swift fast paced steps towards my direction. It takes him seconds to cross what little distance that was already between us. Before I know it his lips are on mine. These lips were as soft and supple as they looked. I was awe struck, why was he doing this? As long as I remember we’ve never had any physical contact .I felt my heartbeat pick up as he slid his hands onto my lower back. The kiss was sensual; it made my knees go weak. But overall it was lustful as though he’s been waiting to do this for eons. As our tongues intertwined and I could taste the passion that was passing back and forth between us like the salvia in our mouths. It felt like there was nothing else in the world, everything else faded out of view, i could have kissed him like that forever, if I hadn’t needed to breathe, our lips parted with such hesitance.


I awake on the cold wood floor of my house but yet I don’t get up right away. My lips tingle. I try to remember what happen… I was walking to the window then that pain started and, I think I fell? I try to remember anything else but nothing comes to, it’s all a blur. Yet I have that feeling of anguish when you know you left something you shouldn’t have, something…you have a need for? It’ll pass I tell myself as I slowly start to stand hearing my joints pop and crack. I head over to the window again. What felt like hours locked away in my own world were only minutes in reality. This time I make it; I lift my hand to the latch and unlock it. Pushing the window open I recall something that sends my heart fluttering. A kiss, I think. The tingling feeling returns to my lips. The cold from the outside begins to fade the tingling sensation to a numb prickle. A gust of wind blows through the house and some spots on my face feel cooler than others. I reach towards my face but I stop. My hands are covered in blood. I look down at myself, I’m covered head to toe in the crimson liquid. I briskly turn around and gape at what I saw. There all over the room was blood. A puddle on the floor where I had been laying, A puddle not so far away from where I had been lying not to mention it all over the walls and furniture. Did all this blood come from me?! In a way I hope it did.
I do a sweep of the house looking for anything that would help me understand this mess. Finally excitement! There’s nothing that I could see that was out of place and other than the blood the house was perfect. I begin to gather my cleaning supplies. I don’t know if im out of my mind or not but I start to wipe away any signs that this had ever happened.
The clock reads five minutes past midnight when all the blood has finally disappeared. Im exhausted and still covered in the red wine. I begin to climb the staircase and head for my bathroom. Once there I peel off the blood soaked clothes and toss them into the trash. There’s no hope of getting the blood out. I pull the hair tie out of my hair as I step into the hot stream of water. I watch the water run off my skin in a copper color. I continue to watch it until it’s the clear color water should be.
I lay in bed that night smelling of rust and salt. The smell invades my nostrils. Having already taken multiple showers I decide to endure it. I know it’s going to be a long night.


Sun peeks through the cracks in the curtains. I swing my legs over to the side of my bed and rise. I tread softly over to the curtains and glimpse out. Snow has fallen and the light reflecting off it is blinding.
Its six thirty-three am and my work starts at eight. I jump in the shower again hoping to kill the scent that lingers on my skin. Once out I use my elaborate kit of lotions and perfumes as a back-up just in case the smell was still there. I dress in jeans that hug every curve there is to hug and throw on a nude sequin top with matching pumps. My hair is considerably dry so I move to it. I pull a section of it up and start to curl the blonde locks. Then there’s the makeup; eyeliner, mascara, foundation, bronzer the whole works. I take one more look in the mirror before calling it good. Long blonde locks without a hair out of place. Complexions clear with some sort of tan. Eyes, one blue one brown naturally.
I still wonder why I have a job. I’m Farley wealthy and have no need for encounters with such people I work with. I think I’ll quit today. I pull my jaguar into the parking lot and almost hit one of the many drunkards that bunk here. Exasperated I climb out of my car and holler at them all. Once in the car again I pull into a space and take my keys out of the ignition. Slamming the door behind me I make my way into the bar. I think the only reason I work at such a place is because of my need for excitement. Again I consider quitting but I think I’ll pull through tonight. The crowds that come in tonight are large. I make drinks for all types of people like now I currently have a revolting inebriate sitting across the counter. I try to ignore him as he rains unbecoming complements down on me. I don’t think he likes it either. He’s getting more aggressive and frankly it’s starting to piss me off. I leave my position behind the counter and make my way into the back. I know what im doing as I reach for the handle on the door that leads into the alley in the rear of the bar. I wait, and im not even out there for a minute and he comes searching for me.
“hey! Bitch thought she could get away from me that easily?” his sweaty palms make contact with my skin. With my good arm I smack at his face. Fury erupts inside of him, his face goes red with anger and he pulls his fist back. I turn my face expecting the blow that never comes.
“What the hell?” he shouts into my face. Spit fly’s off his lips and drench’s my face. I see the tall outline walking up and right before the punches start flying the now clearly seen man places his hand calmly onto my attacker balled up hand.
“What happened to your manners?” my savoir says to man. His voice is almost like a purr, soft and humble as his words run together…right now this feels like déjà vu. I swear ive seen this man before! I can’t put my finger on it but the sound of his voice sends me into solicitude.
Our eyes meet and I’m shocked to recollect my thought on what happened last night. I, going into a coma like state and creating this man that now stood in front of me only it isn’t possible for him to exist if I created him in my thoughts. I remember the kiss in the emptiness of my mind. The way the dark avoided him and the way his lips felt against mine. I’ve had too much already I don’t want to remember anymore so I leave. The clicking of my heels as I ran across the pavement felt resonant. The cold sweat I feel keeps me turning back and looking over my shoulder. I don’t understand any of this! I forget my car and just book it out of there. I walk into a park and feel dread. I quickly brush it aside and go sit on the swing set. I can’t seem to get that kiss out of my head. I replay it over and over until I have every move, every word memorized. The old chains creak as I rock the swing back and forth, the wind blows my hair into my face and I turn to brush it out of my eyes as I go to do this i meet someone’s hands already doing the job. I turn to look and scream in surprise. How’d he catch up with me already?!

Impressum

Texte: Arianna
Bildmaterialien: google
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 16.07.2012

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