A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TOURIST
Breakfast on the waterfront
Al fresco in the morning air
Eleven-ish in the Medusa bar
An ice cream perhaps to share
Walking the beach together
Playing and having fun
Then head for Agia Marina
For lunch with Stavros at one
Find a quiet sheltered spot
And siesta under shady tree
Then cocktails at the Koala
Beginning at half past three
Tottering home to the villa
A well-earned rest required
Refreshed and showered
A quayside café is desired
Satisfied and glowing after
Greek cuisine to drink and dine
Nightcaps at the Paradise bar
Brandy or a glass or two of wine
Returning to the villa happily
For a good nights rest at last
The last thought as eyelids fall
I wonder what’s for breakfast
MARS WALK
After many years of trying
And years of deep space flying
After journeying across the stars
We finally land a man on Mars
He begins his walk at sunrise
And then he finds to his surprise
After exploring near and far
An Irish pub and a burger bar
BATSI
It was early in the
Month of June
I knew my trip
Would end to soon
In Batsi town
On Andros isle
I came to rest
And stayed a while
The northern isle
In the Cyclades
With sun and sand
And soft sea breeze
Bathed in the sun
And in the blue sea
Bathed in the beauty
Of the culture I see
I’ll miss the place
And people fare
The scent of herbs
On warm night air
The groves and vines
Of differing hues
The hills and valleys
And Aegean views
For one last look
I slowly turn
I don’t know when
But I will return
BOURNEMOUTH
Go to Bournemouth for rheumatism
Because the town is good for it
So I spent last summer there
And they were right because I got it
MILLENIUM
Two thousand years to celebrate
Let’s make our plans don’t hesitate
We’ll build it big we’ll build it grand
On Greenwich Peninsula it will stand
An attraction great for us all to flock
On a theme of time? Perhaps a clock
What in there wisdom would they decide
To build beside the river side
What would they chose to mark the day
Well they got it wrong I’m sad to say
So what did they build to mark this date?
An attraction not even second rate
A site for visitors to stand and mock
A Ferris wheel and an upturned Wok
NIGHTMARE FLIGHT
The nightmare that keeps me up at nights
Is about oxygen masks on airline flights
They don’t contain any oxygen it seems
They're only there to muffle the screams
THE LONDON EYE
The London eye
Is a giant wheel
All white and bright
And made of steel
It’s slowly turning
Round and round
Offering views of London
Above the ground
Famous landmarks and
Sights dramatic
The nations history
Panoramic
Old visitors express
Sentiment
In children’s faces
Wonderment
But all agree
It’s worth the fee
To ride the wheel
The sights to see
BOX
I have often wondered I don’t know why
When a plane has fallen from the sky
And only the black box has survived
Why have the makers have never tried
To build a plane from the same stuff
As the black box because it’s so tough
POUND STRETCHER
I remember one of the airlines had once
A promotion that never got off the ground
It was called the pound stretcher and it
Applied no matter where you were bound
I think if I recollect you could go anywhere
In the world on a stretcher for a pound
POLLIDAY
My sons on holiday right now
He’s left his home in tooting
He’s gone somewhere in Africa
Saying he was going parachuting
I was surprised when he told me
Because he suffers from vertigo
It’s not his normal kind of trip
But I admire him for having a go
He’s never mentioned an interest
Before in the sport of parachuting
I will ask him how he got on
When he’s back at home in tooting
He’s never been very adventurous
When it comes to eating either
So I was taken by surprise when
He said he’d eaten parrot burger
How did you get on with the vertigo?
I asked when he was home in tooting
What are you on about mother?
What’s that got to do with shooting
WHERE EAGLES DARE
Eagles may soar free and proud
Soaring high among the cloud
And they may look down to view
On more humble creatures who
Can’t soar high among the cloud
And cannot soar free and proud
But these creatures I should begin
Never get sucked into a jet engine
CLOSE SHAVE
Why is it when?
Two planes almost hit
It’s called a near miss?
That doesn’t fit
It should actually
Be called a near hit?
INN TROUBLE
A mate of mine and his new wife
Stayed in a hotel in the town of Fife
Just for one night with time to kill
And he got a two hundred pound Bill
"Two hundred pounds? for what?"
My mate said, “That seems to be a lot”
“That’s for your room and board sir”
Answered the odious hotel manager
My friend said, "Room and board?
We didn't even eat here." He roared
The manager said, "Well it was here
If you missed it, that’s bad luck I fear"
I’m not paying the Bill” My friend said
"You can take a hundred quid instead”
“I'm deducting a hundred as a fine
For sleeping with this wife of mine"
"I never touched a hair on her head"
"She was there though,” My mate said
THE PLANE TRUTH
I would like to un-invent the aeroplane
It has shrunken the world too much
You can fly to Sydney the same day
But so can so and so or such and such
Package tours take you far and wide
Everywhere you go you just despair
From Niagara Falls to Chinas great wall
Ryan and Kylie have beaten you there
Exclusive travelling has gone forever
Cheap package tours have ruined it
We all have to go third class together
In the classless society we now inhabit
Once we could dine with polite company
On the finest cuisine we could imagine
Now we must dine with the hoi palloi
And burgers and chips are quite routine
Once we’d dine with the Cooper-Smythes
Lunching on sandwiches of cured ham
Now we dine with a toothless Geordie
And a tattooed tart from Birmingham
Discerning travelers took ocean liners
Long sea journeys kept away the dross
And if anyone should forget their place
The offender overboard you could toss
The more difficult the journey there was
Made the getting their more worth while
The more luxurious the journey there was
Meant it was done in a little more style
Now we must crowd into third class seats
In our hundreds on these charter flights
To various destinations both near and far
On cheap package tours for fourteen nights
Once when you stepped upon the shore
A native girl placed a lei over your head
Now no welcoming committee meets you all
Just flip flop clad fat blokes there instead
I would like to un-invent the aeroplane
Now you can fly for just a few bucks
Please don’t think that I’m just a snob
But the global village idea really sucks
BRITS ABROAD
On the islands of Greece
And on the coast of Spain
In the pubs and clubs
Brawling Brits are back again
But not the young and brainless
Of that I have no doubts
But the silver haired faction
The affluent oldies or Saga louts
GO RYAN
Flying no frills airlines on the cheap
With no food served or space to sleep
Seats crammed in for them to capitalize
The seats only catering for average size
No in flight film or any entertainment
Very cheap but hardly money well spent
Air conditioning switched off to save cash
At best you’re like animals at worst trash
Poor service and your fed Recycled air
And no room in your uncomfortable chair
You must fight your way to have a pee
And you disembark with cramp or DVT
Well done to all of the inverted snobs
Who envied those with cash or better jobs
You have lowered the standards for us all
Bargain airlines now fly long and short haul
VERSATILE MUSIC MAN
My dad is a versatile music man
If anyone can play it then he can
He’s been seen playing the cello
In a hotel lounge in Portabello
Playing inprov jazz on tenor sax
For beer money on a street in Halifax
Even making a tune on a synthesizer
While drinking Irn bru and tizer
He’s very often been known to jam
In a seedy club in Amsterdam
Bash a tune out on the old Joanna
Down by the beach in copacabana
And strumming on guitar or banjo
For the business men of Tokyo
He’ll get a note out of a flugel horn
On the icy slopes of the Matterhorn
He’ll play anything from harmonica
To the clarinet euphonium or tuba
Double base trumpet or trombone
Triangle glockenspiel or xylophone
But my dad the versatile music man
Will never play the piano accordion
WALK ABROAD
I’ve been to places far and wide
And had to put my prejudice aside
I’ve done many things to survive
To keep my body and soul alive
I once played a game of snooker
In a place called Banyaluca
I fought a Sumo wrestler and won
In the land of the rising sun
I dated a girl who was very loud
In the land of the long white cloud
I played table tennis or ping-pong
In the territories of Hong Kong
Suffered the Welsh and there grumbles
While holidaying in the mumbles
And got a case of Delhi belly
While on a short visit to Tripoli
But no matter where I have gone
I've always been rained upon
THIS ENGLAND
Of all the places I have been
Britain is the best I’ve seen
It’s the simple little pleasures
That any visitor then treasures
Like having a lovely cup of tea
In a place called Battersea
Or eating Poppadoms and Chutney
In a restaurant down in Putney
Dining on a plate of stroganoff
With a couple name of Romanoff
Or playing frames of billiards
With a group of Irish guards
Eating duck pate on Melba toast
While relaxing on the Devon coast
On one night we even smoked pot
With some soldiers in Aldershot
But whether you intend eating Spam
In the midlands city of Birmingham
Or enjoying bags of soggy chips
While visiting in the Mendips
Be sure to take a coat with you
As you’ll have a rainy day or two
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (1)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to America
To the largest state in the union”
I replied to him “Alaska?”
He thought for a moment then said
“No its alright I’ll ask her”
BUDGET
They take you here
They take you there
To do it cheap
Just fly Chav air
SUMMER OF EIGHTY EIGHT
The summer of eighty eight
What a holiday it was
Me, tottering Bob and Metaxa Mary
On the Greek island of Andros
In the chain of islands
Known as the Cyclades
We would sit on the beach
Or some beach front café
Like the medusa or the koala
Watching the semi naked femmes
And not just that but fit too
Apart from Mary
She was more interested in the Geraniums
Which grew seven feet high
We enjoyed the Greek cuisine
Such as it was
Stuffed vine leaves, Calamari
And Mousakka mainly
Not forgetting
Greek salad and Feta cheese
Washed down with cheap booze
And plenty of it
Everything was cheap on the island
Not just cheap fags and booze
An old man called Stavros
His skin the color of leather
Hand made me a pair of sandals
For under five pounds
Our favorite haunt was the medusa
Owned and run by Pandelis
And his accommodating daughter Cath
Although we had a brandy or two
At the Paradise bar most nights
Just as a night cap
But it wasn’t the location, Or cheap booze
The herb fragranced breeze
Warm sunshine, Semi naked women
Or accommodating waitresses
That made it a great holiday
It was the people
The warm friendly locals
Fellow Brits on tour
And of course Bob and Mary
What a holiday it was
WOKING
Woking so wants a claim to fame
So tenuous links to the famous they list
On the official Woking web site
Such as Adelina de Lara, Concert pianist
The Spice Girls and George Bernard Shaw
Queen Elizabeth I and Lady Hamilton
Paul Weller, Peter Gabriel, Rick Parfitt
Peter Davison, The Jam and Eric Clapton
Sir Alec and Eric Bedser the Cricketing twins
These and many more appear for their sins
H.G. Wells is a particular favourite
With several places in town with his name on
But when he wrote “war of the worlds”
He had the Martian land on Horsell common
Because sadly while in the town he hated it so
He made sure that Woking was the first place to go
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (2)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the West Indies you know”
So I said “Jamaica?”
“No it’s where she’s always wanted to go”
WORDS OF WISDOM # 1
It seems to me
That wherever I go,
The world's worst drivers
Have gone there also
HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST
I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond”
A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond
"Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely
I replied "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she said curtly
REPELLING BOARDERS
She stood at the departure gate
Smiling and checking boarding passes
Dealing with the happy and the mad
The good the bad and the silly arses
When a tottering man approached
She extended her hand for his ticket
When he opened up his rain coat
And blatantly flashed her his wicket
He smiled inanely and swayed about
Having spent too much time in the pub
Without batting an eyelid she said,
"I need to see the ticket not your stub."
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”
I MISS THE PLACE
I miss the place
Where I journeyed into this world
Where a loving mother
Kissed me and gently brushed my curls
I miss the place
Where mother taught me the joys of life
And my father
Taught me to seek harmony from strife
I miss the place
Where my school days first began
And those friends
That made up our inseparable band
I miss the place
Where my heart had an optimistic view
And I miss the face
Of my one and only love so true
I miss the place
Where summer days seemed without end
Where natures bounty
Spilled from the fields we had to tend
I miss the place
Where the bones of my parents lay
And the times
When our days were full with play
I miss the place
I knew before I grew into a man
And took up arms
To fight for the king in a foreign land
I miss the place
That is the home I shall never see again
Never smell the grasses green
Or taste those gentle summer rains
I miss that place
My distant home far across the sea
The place I left behind
So I could die fighting for the free
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”
IS THERE ANY GREATER PLACE ON EARTH?
When June comes fourth upon us
Is there any greater place on earth?
Than England’s green and pleasant land
Surely nowhere of similar worth
When the breeze gently stirs the grass
And the sun is in the clear blue sky
Is there any greater place on earth?
You could look abroad, but why?
VENTURA HOLIDAY
A Christmas cruise in the Caribbean
What a dream for the Christmas season
It’s a dream holiday for anyone
And costs thousands of pounds for a reason
Among other things what you would expect
When venturing on the ocean waves
Is to be in company of like minded people
Who comprehend how they should behave
You book early to avoid disappointment
And the chance to choose where to stay
Settle the amount in plenty of time
Then in December you’re on your way
But then to ensure a full compliment
Those greedy so and so’s at P& O
Heavily discount the remaining cabins
To all and sundry, happy Christmas ho ho ho
From every city, village and town
From Great Yarmouth to Merseyside
From John O’Groats to Lands End
And from Fishguard to Tyneside
They come in search of a bargain
And a cut price berth on a luxury cruise
The uncouth the loutish and the crude
They who measure fun in volumes of booze
And so begins the Chav cruise from hell
Not hell for the Chavs themselves sadly
But for the poor souls who paid their way
Chavs know no other way to behave but badly
For alcohol consumption they know no limit
This is apparent for every poor soul to see
Drunken food fights soon breakout
Some even set fire to the Christmas tree
What a sad indictment on our society
The way the Chavs behave abroad
It’s a shame that international law
Won’t let us throw the bastards overboard
A WING AND A PRAYER
If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray
OUT IN THE COUNTRY
Driving down country lanes
Top down, wind in my hair
The sun gracing the sky
The wind set fair
The smell of hay,
Freshly mowed
Beasts in the fields
Beyond hedgerows
Blue cloudless skies,
On a glorious summer’s day,
The only blot being
The cyclists in my way
THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT
It has been said that the miracle of aviation
Is that the aeroplane is nothing more in interpretation
Than 50000 components flying in close formation
And hopefully all bound for the same destination
OUT IN THE COUNTRY, AGAIN
When driving the byways
Travelling far and wide
Whether the lakes or the peaks
Or any of the countryside,
One thing that’s guaranteed
To frustrate the driving clan
And cause them to become irate
Is to get stuck behind a caravan
BAGGAGE REGULATIONS
A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset
The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion
Per passenger"
THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH
The angel of the north
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go
NO FRILLS
Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE
I've always loved it at the seaside
But I don’t like dirty postcards
I don’t like kiss me quick hats
Or ice creams on the promenades
I don’t like the sand in the picnic
Or the feel of dry salt on my skin
I don’t like the smell of the seaweeds
Or the sound of seagulls screaming
I don’t like the amusement arcades
And I don’t like the movement of the tide
I don’t like to sit in the deckchairs
I've always loved it at the seaside
I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE
I love it at the seaside out of season
When the bathers are not there
The beaches are no longer sun kissed
The sands are empty and bare
I love it at the seaside
On a bright sunny winters day
When you can stroll along
With out people getting in the way
You pick your way along the shore
Picking up driftwood and shells
Skim stones across the water
Without soliciting angry yells
I love it at the seaside
The deck chairs are all stored away
On the sea front all is quiet
And the car park is free all day
I love it at the seaside
The shops are shut and battened down
All the amusement arcades are shut
But not the Rose and Crown
DAYS DOWN BY THE SEA
Days down by the sea
Far away from amusement arcades
Away from the pier
And noisy shopping parades
Just wide empty beaches
The salt sea breeze in my hair
What ever the weather
I really don’t care
Long languid days
Spent down by sea
Just a wet shaggy dog
My lady and me
NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS
No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.10.2010
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