BEASTS IN THE MIST

They gather in the full moons light
On lonely roads at dead of night
With shinning eyes that pierce the mists
They prey on passing motorists
Sure footed over rock and crag
A victim fresh to feast they drag
And all that’s left when feedings through
Is a baseball cap and a training shoe
No wolf or hound will prowl the moors
And ghosts and ghouls stay home indoors
So when shrill screams disturb your sleep
Beware the Cumberland killer sheep

CLARISSA THE CROSS EYED PIG

A man takes his prize pig to see the vet and says
My pig is cross-eyed can you help in some way?
So he picks the pig up and examines her eyes
Then checks her teeth and then finally he sighs
“I think I’m going to have to put her down now”
“For being cross-eyed?” “No coz she's a heavy sow”

SOMEONE PUT THE CAT OUT

Will someone put the cat out?
Please don’t make me shout
To put the cat out is my one desire
So put it out because it’s on fire

ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY

Eco friendly products do they pay?
That’s what the manufacturers say
I have read on the weed killer lids
That it won’t kill any of your kids
And it won’t kill the family moggy
It won’t even kill the family doggy
But does it kill the weeds pray tell
No it just makes them a little unwell

A DOGS LIFE
I think the dog wants to go out
He doesn’t bark and he cannot shout
But I know that I’m not wrong
Because he’s got his hat and coat on

SCENE OF THE SLIME

Now yesterday I planted out
My annuals in a bed laid out
I went to take a look today
But find my annuals gone away
What evil in my garden walks?
All I see are marigold stalks
Now I see the trails of slime
I know who did this awful crime
Not creepy crawlies or even bugs
But evil little snails and slugs
You cannot poison them they say
That isn’t nice there’s another way
Grit or egg shell on the trail
Or little cups of beer or ale
But I’m not one to treat them nice
They will pay the ultimate price


RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – THE BATHROOM

If visitors go to the bathroom
Always accompany them there
It’s not necessary to do anything
You just have to sit and stare

COCK SURE

Why across the road
Did the cockerel strut
Because he was told
The chicken was a slut

WHERE EAGLES DARE

Eagles may soar free and proud
Soaring high among the cloud
And they may look down to view
On more humble creatures who
Can’t soar high among the cloud
And cannot soar free and proud
But these creatures I should begin
Never get sucked into a jet engine

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - CHAIRS OR CARPETS

If you think you’re going to be sick
Get to any chair as quick as you can
If you cannot manage it in time
Get to the expensive rug from Japan
If there is no Oriental rug to hand
Then the shag pile will certainly fit
When throwing up on any carpet
Make sure you back up as you do it

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - DOORS

It’s very important that you endeavor
Not to allow you’re human too ever
In any room keep the doors shut
To get a door open, just purr or strut
Once you’ve got your human to open it
It is not necessary for you to use it
If it is an outside door lie in the threshold
This is very important if it’s wet or cold


CAN WE HAVE A PET DAD?

Can we have a pet dad?
How about some fish?
Swimming in a tank
Oh I wish, I wish, I wish
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like fish
Swimming in a tank
I like them poached lightly on a dish


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a hamster?
Running on a wheel
Oh can I have one sir
No we can’t have a pet son
No I don’t like hamsters
Running on a wheel
But baked in the oven with roasters


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a cat?
Purring on your lap
What’s wrong with that?
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like cat
Purring on me lap
Curried though oh yes I do like that


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a gerbil?
They’re cuddly and cute
That would be a thrill
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like a gerbil
Even cuddly and cute
Except in white wine sauce with dill


Can we have a pet dad?
Now how about some mice?
They’re not big like rats
They’d be very nice
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like mice
Though not big like rats
I like them served on a bed of rice


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a rat?
They’re cheap to keep
What do you think of that?
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like rats
Even I have standards
I think I would rather eat my hats


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a doggie?
Playing with a ball
Much better than a moggie
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like dogs
Playing with a ball
But I do like to wok the dogs


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a parrot?
Chatting on its perch
I’d like that a lot
No we can’t have a pet son
No I don’t like them see
Chatting on their perch
Because parrots repeat on me


RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – HELP WITH THE COOKING

When supervising the cooking
Get behind the cook by sitting
Where she would be hard put
To see you just by her left foot
And you will stand a better chance
Of being trod on which will advance
Your human to pick you up to
Babble gibberish and comfort you

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – READING BOOKS

When you’re human is reading a book
Jump up on them to get a closer look
Get close up to them under their chin
So it’s hard for them to keep reading
Keep between the reader and the book
And dribble on it when they try to look
If you get the chance lie on their hands
They will soon give in to your demands


DOWN PATCH

Bruno was a young slavering Boxer
And quite an ugly looking brute
While Ginger was a Yorkshire terrier
And so by definition rather cute
On this summer evening it was
The first time the two dogs had ever met
While waiting with their humans
In the waiting room of the local vet
It was friendly Ginger who was the first
To speak and too break the ice
“There’s something stuck up my bum
And you know that’s not very nice”
“I’m a yorkie and they call me Ginger
What does your human call you?”
“I’m a Boxer called Bruno very pleased
To meet you, how do you do”?
“I’m here for more tests because
I don’t think they know what’s wrong”
Said ginger with resignation
“Why are you here you look fit and strong”?
“Well” replied Bruno “you know how sultry
The weather’s been lately”
“I’m a young virile dog and to be honest
I’ve been feeling very fruity”
“I was patrolling the house last night
As normal when what do I find?”
“I found my human naked and bending over
So I jumped her from behind”
Ginger rather shocked said
“So she’s brought you here to get you snipped”
“Well that’s what I thought at first
But she just want’s my toe nails clipped”

CLUBBING IT

I have started to think that dads to old
For clubbing but he just will not be told
He refuses even to listen to my chatter
And doesn’t see why age should matter
He says that he’s not as fit as in the past
But the baby seals don’t move that fast


RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – PAPERWORK

If you’re human is doing paperwork
Lie on it and you drive them berserk
A fun thing to do if they are writing
Is to play with the pencil by batting

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – READING NEWSPAPERS

Now this is a very interesting caper
When you’re human is reading the paper
Jump up at the newspaper suddenly
Silently and landing on their knee
This will make the paper unreadable
And you human a little disagreeable

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – USING THE COMPUTER

When your human is working at the computer
Bat at the cursor this will make you even cuter
Then walk across keyboard without hesitating
Then lay across their arms to stop them typing


IT’S THE DOGS….

A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and exposes his genitals
And oblivious to his audience the dog
Then lies on his back and licks them
Another man looks on in admiration
Saying “Is no one as impressed as I am?”
He then turns to the owner saying
“Now that’s a thing I wish I could do”
The dogs owner looks at him smiling
“Well give him a crisp and he’ll let you”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – AT BEDTIME

They wont sleep well if you get it right
Always sleep on your human at night
So that they cannot easily move around
Bat at their ears if they sleep to sound


ITS A DOG’S LIFE

If it moves then my dog will shag it
That’s what he does to get a buzz
But if it doesn’t move it won’t matter
He’ll just shag it until it does

NO WAY PET

Please can we get a goldfish dad?
It would really make us glad
Big or small it doesn’t matter
Not even if it comes in batter
Well can we have a parrot then?
Not even if it tastes like chicken

NO WAY PET

Please can we get a goldfish dad?
It would really make us glad
Big or small it doesn’t matter
Not even if it comes in batter
Well can we have a parrot then?
Not even if it tastes like chicken

IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN

A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and then licks his genitals
An offended customer, disgusted asks
“Why does your dog do that man?”
Then owner answers without hesitation
“That’s easy he does it because he can”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – THE ART OF HIDING

From time to time it is a good idea
To hide and make your human fear
When you return home eventually
They will be so relieved to see
With open arms you they will greet
And you are bound to get a treat


THE WHITE HORSE IN

A white horse walked into a pub
And ordered a pint and some grub
The barman was taken by surprise
At first he couldn’t believe his eyes
And although at first he was unsure
He soon recovered his composure
Not used to a horse in this location
He tried a to start up a conversation
He said, “I don’t know if you knew
We have a whisky named after you”
“Really?” the horse asked curiously
“You have a whisky named Jeremy?”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – THE LITTER BOX

If you notice your humans isn’t wearing socks
Be sure to kick plenty of litter out of your box
If they’re half a sleep is the best time I suppose
Humans love the feel of litter between their toes


TIGER TIGER

In their gentlemen’s club, two old soldiers
Are reliving past exploits over whisky sodas
“It was in northern India back in thirty-two
We were hunting up country to bag a few
We came to a clearing and to my surprise
I saw this huge Tiger right before my eyes
I stood there transfixed by the Tiger’s stare
So calmly I brought my rifle round to bear
And as my finger slowly squeezed the trigger
The tiger charged letting out a mighty AHHHH!!”
“What happened next?” Asked his old comrade
“Well I have to say I shit myself I’m afraid”
“No shame in that when charged by a Tiger”
“No, no I mean just then when I went AHHHH!!”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – HOW TO GREET A GUEST
If visitors come to your home
Jump on their laps to welcome
Purr loudly and turn around
Break wind and then jump down

HAS ANYONE SEEN BERNARD? Scottish writers

I can’t remember the last time to be truthful
I heard Mr. Matthew’s say they’re “bootiful”
You never see him smiling broadly on the TV
As he express’s the virtues of bits of Turkey
It’s not even Bernard’s voice on the Turkey ads
No it’s one of those clever impressionist lads
So then what’s become of the Turkey magnate
The police don’t suspect foul play at any rate
His tones still tell us his products are the best
But Mr. Matthew’s himself now has foul pest
Bernard no longer has any hair on his head
But a bright red comb grows on there instead
A crop grows on his chin and he even has a beak
He goes “cocka doodle” if you hear him speak
He rarely goes out and that must be quite hard
Unless it’s to have a scratch in his own back yard
So now he has feathers sprouting from his belly
And that’s why we never see him on the telly


HOLY COW

Who was the first person?
Maybe a man maybe a woman
To stand in a field one day
And look at a cow and say
“I'll give them a squeeze
The dangly things, these
And then without a doubt
I’ll drink whatever comes out”

WHAT A RELIEF

While I was standing at the bus stop one day
An old blind man and his dog passed my way
As they were about to cross via the pelican
The dog cocked his leg urinating on the man
The man reached into his pocket for a treat
And leant down to feet the dog at his feet
Amazed by this great act of human kindness
I remarked to him about his thoughtfulness
I need to find out where his mouth is friend
The blind man said so I can kick his arse end

PRETTY *!£$*!**!%$** POLLY

My uncle had a parrot when I was young
It was a blue and yellow colored bird
He got it first when he was a naval man
And it had the foulest mouth you ever heard

It would swear in front of my old aunts
All the neighbors and even the reverend
Next time the punishment would be severe
After every outburst the parrot was warned

The bird thought they were empty threats
So the parrot did swear a further time
And the punishment was extremely severe
He was thrown into the freezer for his crime

He was shivering and cold and very sorry
When he was let out after an hour or two
He apologized unreservedly but asked
Tell me what on earth did that chicken do?


OH GOD

Why oh why I just can’t see
Why god created the bee
The only reason I can see
Is because he liked the honey

Why, is my interlocutor?
Did god create the alligator?
My conclusion at this stage
They make very good luggage

Why oh why I must remark
Why did god create the shark?
After eons here’s the scoop
All I can say is shark fin soup

Why oh why I cannot grasp
Did god create the wasp?
I cannot think of anything
Wasps are simply irritating

Why oh why I do not know
Did god create the mosquito?
There is no reason as I say
He must have had a bad day

Why oh why for heavens sake
Did god ever create the snake?
A bad idea I’ve always felt
But they do make a good belt

Why oh why I ask with no rider
Why did god create the spider?
Common sense it just defies
Though they do eat the flies

Why oh why to heaven I cry
Why did god create the fly?
They don’t have a nice song
I think god just got it wrong

Why I’ve been asking for a while
Did god create the crocodile?
Not a creature that I would chose
But they make very good shoes


HORSE PLAY

More people wouldn’t admit it
But according to most sources
A lot of men feel a bit scared
When they’re stroking horses

FRUSTRATED FELINE

When your cat has just fallen asleep
Curled on your lap purring contentedly
And looking utterly adorable and sweet
You have to go to the bathroom suddenly

THE GIANT ATTRACTION

In captivity panda’s suffer
Great indignity
They’re sexual failures
On display for all to see


WHERE EAGLE’S DARE

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know

It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
Where he met a Tit called Tina
And there the Eagle had her
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Tina said, “I am a little Tit
And I’ve had a little bit
And I liked it”

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know


It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
And he met a Dove called Daisy
Where the Eagle had her easily
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Daisy Said, “I am a little dove
And I’ve had a little love
And I liked it”

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know

It’s journey wasn’t very harsh
And soon he reached a marsh
Where the met a Duck called Jo
And the Eagle had her just so
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the eagle had had his fun
Jo said, “I am a little Drake
And he made a big mistake
But I liked it”


BEAR NECESSITIES

When in the North America forests
On holiday
Carry with you a whistle
And a can of pepper spray
Because you might meet a bear

A small bear eats mainly fruit
And the occasional squirrel
And can be easily scared away
With a sharp blast on your whistle
That’s how to deal with a small bear

A large bear won’t be frightened away
By a blast of your whistle
But a squirt of your pepper spray
Will do the trick not a lot just a little
That’s how to deal with a large bear


You can check if bears are in the area
By examining there droppings
If it smells of fruit
And contains squirrel fur
Then it was deposited by a small bear

However if the more dangerous large bear
Left its deposit along the way
It will probably contain a whistle
And it will smell of pepper spray

NIGHT OWL

The graceful owl
Hunts at twilight
And listens to hear
A victim in the night
Then swoops down
In silent flight
Not to prevent
Its prey taking fright
But fear of losing
What is out of sight

JIMBO

I got a new dog from Battersea
And I have called him Jimbo
I now take him to obedience classes
Where they walk us too and fro

But when he should be at heel
Jimbo almost always runs away
And then he comes bounding back
When he is supposed to sit and stay

Then when he’s walking on the lead
I have to pull young Jimbo back
Or he’s round and round my feet
Until I end up lying on my back

We’ve stopped going to the classes
And I have a stick for him to chase
I can forgive my Jimbo anything
When he jumps up to lick my face


DOWN ON THE FARM

I stayed on my uncle’s farm for a fortnight’s holiday
And it was so wild and windy on one particular day
One chicken laid the same egg four times that day

SIZE DOESN’T MATTER

Gnats as big as Bats
Bats as big as Rats
Rats as big as Cats
Fleas as big as Bees
Bees that eat the Trees
Trees that eat the Cheese
Fly’s that eat pork Pies
Pies that wear bow Ties
Ties that tell you Lies
I see with eyes blinking
Things to get me thinking
God I must stop drinking


PANDERING

The Giant Panda
To some extent
Is the architect
Of its predicament
Its choice of habitat
And fussy diet
Contributes greatly
To its demise, I regret

PET LOVER

The Brits love pets
Some even have a few
The man on the street
And celebrities too
And even Julian Clary
Has a Cockatoo


I DO NOT LIKE THAT

As by way of a general ruling
I have made this to be my doctrine
To dislike, distrust or fear
Any creature meeting these criteria
Anything with more limbs than I
Anything that moves faster than I
Anything with scales or feathers
Anything surviving extreme weathers
Anything having more teeth than I do
Any creature covered in goo
Anything that growls and grunts
That isn’t engaged in sexual stunts
Anything with claws and talons
Anything that drools by the gallons
Anything that’s excessively hairy
Anyt creature whose eyes are starey
Anything that bites or stings
Anything that uses wings
Anything with horns or armour
Anything with an aggressive demeanour
Anything too small to see
Anything that’s bigger than me
If you think of anything I've missed
Then I will add them to the list

GOOSED

The snow geese
In a massive flock
Take flight in unison
Filling the whole sky
Like clouds of white smoke
Billowing up from unseen fires
Rippling across the sky
As far as the eye can see
Almost blocking out the sun
So begins the migration


LILLIE AND GOLDIE

In the garden little Lillie
Was digging with great Endeavour
When she was spotted by Mrs. Gish
Her very nosy neighbor

Mrs. Gish leant on the fence
And asked, “What are you doing Lillie"?
“My goldfish Goldie died
So I’m digging a hole to bury it, see”?

“You silly little girl” she replied
That hole is far too big for a goldfish
Smiling Lillie looked up and said
“Not when it’s inside your cat Mrs. Gish”

PADEMELON (SMALL WALLABY)

You’ll find the Pademelon
Beneath the rainforest trees
As they hop in search of food
In the cool of the evening breeze


THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner
A waiter took their drink order
the first said "I would like lemonade"
The second ordered orangeade
the third little piggy said “I want beer”
“Lots and lots and lots of beer,"

The waiter brought the drinks order
And then took their order for dinner.
The first said "I want a nice big steak,"
The second ordered the salad plate
the third little piggy said “I want beer”
“Lots and lots and lots of beer,"

The waiter brought the dinner order
Then later took their pudding order
The first said "I want the apple crumble"
The second ordered the sherry trifle
the third little piggy said “I want beer”
“Lots and lots and lots of beer,"

The waiter said “pardon me for asking”
“Why have you ordered beer all evening?
“Well that obvious don’t you see”
“All the way home I go wee wee wee”

MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING
Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail

TROGON

In the rain forests the Trogon dwells
Eating insects, fruit and seeds
A bird with the most lustrous plumage
Nesting in holes in the trees
Brilliant and dazzling with their long tails
A truly beautiful sight to see

IT’S THE DOGS…. ONCE AGAIN

George loved his wife Elsie dearly
They’d been married 40 years nearly
George loved her from the very first look
But sadly Elsie was a desperate cook
To her great credit it didn’t deter her
From preparing a variety of fare
One day she served something cordon bleu
Which caused George to sit and stare
It was truly awful even just to look at
Some burnt, some raw and swimming in fat
Reluctantly he took a taste of the presentation
And gave it to his dog without hesitation
Then immediately after eating some
The dog started licking at his bum
“Why is he doing that?" she said in disgust
As the dog did what all dogs must
George replied quite straight faced
“He’s trying to get rid of the taste”


WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN?

"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."

"Who killed the sparrows?"
"We," said the Humans,
"With out many deftly hands,
We killed the sparrows.”

“Why kill the sparrows?"
“Because they are so small,
And don’t matter at all,
That’s why we kill the sparrows.”

"Who killed the humans?"
“Mother nature did the act,
For mans breach of contract,
Mother nature had to act”


HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS

Alligators and Crocodiles
Swam the murky waters
Unchanged in their ancestry
And in their sons and daughters

Oh how time had left them
As the world kept spinning
Swimming the murky waters
Since the worlds beginning

Until they then fell foul
Of fashion entrepreneurs
Valuing them for their skins
For devotees of couture


BLACKBERRY CAT

You had to go out on such a filthy day
Even though you have a litter tray
I suppose out side there is fun to be had
And you’re still active so I should be glad
But why is it that you deign to re-enter?
Taking a path right across the centre
With half the garden on your paws
Only after I’ve washed all the floors


MOUSE TALE

We have an unwanted mouse in our house
But am I permitted to kill it? No is the answer
My son suggested I leave the back door open
So it could let it self out when it was ready
My wife wants me to buy a humane trap
So I can catch it, release it, and catch it again next week
How confused we are of what animals are
We have this romantic notion of the animal kingdom
That they are just like humans but in animal form
We have endowed the beasts with human qualities
Beatrix Potter’s tales are a classic example of this
Stories spoon fed to young eager minds for decades
Mice do not live in houses, watch TV or play scrabble
It’s just a mouse, its vermin, and it’s eating my food
They have been humanised in a century of cartoons
In that undignified way we have Disney-fied them
Well we need to un-Disneyfy the creatures double quick
So I have baited my trap and I will wait for the snap
Because Mice don’t live in houses especially not in mine

THE BEAR STARE

I have a photograph
Of a magnificent Polar Bear
It was taken at one of those sea life places
The polar bear is underwater
Looking through the glass
At an inquisitive little boy
Whose face was pressed up against the glass
And you can see in the Polar Bears
Intelligent soulful eyes
As it looks at the inquisitive little boy
That he is thinking to himself
“If I could just get through this glass
I would eat you as a snack”


QUEEN OF HER DOMAIN

There she perches
Queen of her domain
Keen Eagle eyes scanning the scene
Head never still
Then in the water
A silvery glint
And she’s airborne
Gliding with silent grace
Almost aimlessly
Then with perfect timing
She strikes to take the rising fish
And with it safe in her talons
She sets off to deliver
The silver prize to her young

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.09.2010

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