Angling

NEW ANGLES

Angling is an ancient pastime
And thousands sit with permit paid
Some stand on the riverbank
Some enter the water and wade
Long held traditions are kept
Yet new innovations are made
As modern anglers try to improve
With every kind of new fangled aid
In wartime when my father was young
And when not fighting or on parade
Was forced as he had no rod and line
To go fishing with a hand grenade

Athletics

PATHLETICS

I hate most track athletes
But sprinters really get my goat
The fastest men on earth they claim
As they strut and preen and gloat
Running very fast in a straight line
Small beer for such a big ego
And they excel for less than ten seconds
Duration unimpressive to my wife I know
On they African plains they’d fail to impress
I can say that without being rude
In the eyes of a hunting lioness
They would be little more than fast food


DASH IT ALL

They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete

Ballooning

BALLOONING

Of all the pastimes
Which defy all logic
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic
You take off
With no controls to ponder
At the mercy of the wind
Into the great blue yonder
Floating up and away
Heart fit to blow a gasket
Gripping the hand rail
And stood in a picnic basket
A Bunsen burner flames
Under a piece of fabric
Hot air ballooning
Must be the most fantastic

Baseball

THE GINGER KID AND THE BLACK SOX

Buck or George Daniel Weaver
Born in the state of Pennsylvania
Eighteen ninety the town of Stowe
And died aged sixty-six in Chicago
He loved baseball as much as life
All most as much as Helen his wife
He spent his entire career as a pro
Playing with the sox in Chicago
As one of the eight men caught
But the only one not to be bought
Punished with ring leader Gandil
Innocent in the black sox scandal
The only player to be free of blame
The rest of his life lived in shame
A great third basemen of his time
Banned for life for others crime
He gave his life to clear his name
He should be in the hall of fame


SHOELESS JOE JACKSON


Born in eighty seven in Brandon mills
A mill town in the South Carolina hills
Joseph Jefferson Jackson was named
But as shoeless Joe he would be famed

Joe started as a pitcher on the mound
In the minor league on the mill ground
But Joe didn’t last to long at pitching
Though his speed had batters twitching

One day on the Brandon mill league team
He threw so hard he made a man scream
Because he had broken the catchers arm
They put him in the outfield out of harm

Then he often played first base after that
"Black Betsy." Joe named his favorite bat
His nickname "shoeless" came after playing
In socks because his feet were blistering

He batted as a left hander when at the plate
But threw right handed at an alarming rate
Over six feet tall and two hundred pound
He was incredibly quick across the ground

A deadly hitter and a great outfielder who
Is known more now for the lack of a shoe
He named his glove and you can guess why
Calling it "the place where triples go to die,"

His career began in nineteen-oh-eight
Well as a professional then at any rate
It was with the Athletics in Philadelphia
But he only played ten games while here

Traded to Cleveland Naps after three years
Joe left Philly to explore new frontiers
Here he showed just how he was able
Slugging his way to lead the league table


With the Naps Joe burst onto the scene
They became the Indians in nineteen fifteen
With the Naps Joe came into his prime
But after four years it was trading time

In august of fifteen Jackson was traded
To move to Chicago he was persuaded
With the Sox he continued his great career
And the White Sox were the team to fear

In nineteen seventeen Jackson and Chicago
Won the biggest honor baseball can bestow
And Chicago accomplished their greatest feat
Winning the series as the Giants they beat

Two years later they found themselves again
Competing in a World Series title campaign
This time pitted against the reds of Cincinnati
There was no glory this time for Black Betsy


During the following year of nineteen twenty
While batting well and still scoring plenty
Jackson was suspended from the league
After the fixing the World Series intrigue

During the long running trial in Chicago
One fan asked of Jackson “Say it ain’t so”
The jury acquitted the black sox and Joe
Jackson and the others were free to go

But Landis the commissioner of baseball
Wasn’t impressed with this decision at all
Going against the ruling he gave a life ban
All eight men, Jackson and every man

If Joe was in on the fix it was hard to tell
He fielded and batted exceptionally well
Ranked third in the all-time batting list
A very sad day when he was dismissed


Black Betsy, raised over half a million
When Joe legendary bat, sold at auction
More money than Joe saw in all his days
Playing for owners with grasping ways

He never played pro baseball ever again
But his great achievements still remain
So home to South Carolina with his wife
To run a store their for the rest of his life


THE CHICAGO BLACK SOX

In the year after the war to end all wars
In nineteen, nineteen the White Sox scores
A pennant winning season for old Chicago
But the players never get any extra dough

The owners pocketed all the rich rewards
In grand palatial homes living like lords
The players lived more down to earth
And left to ponder their value or worth

So as the World Series was to be contested
The Chicago White Sox were then expected
To beat the Cincinnati Redlegs quite easily
Making them targets for a crooked bookie

The bookies went to work bribing players
They had Cicotte and Williams the pitchers
Gandil, McMullin and Risberg infielders
Hap Felsch and Joe Jackson the outfielders


Only Buck Weaver refused to be in on the fix
And Joe Jackson reneged to leave only six
Despite this they managed well on their own
And any chance of winning had been blown

It fell apart when more cash failed to appear
And another betrayal was the player’s fear
When the Black Sox tried to win in the end
They found it was too late to make amend

The eight men were charged for their crime
But they were found not guilty at the time
The commissioner of baseball had other ideas
Banning all eight from professional careers

They never played in the big leagues again
And in dishonor their names still remain
Those really guilty for losing the series
Are greedy owners and crooked bookies

Boat Race

OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE

I have been a keen sports fan for many years
As my father was before me
But something has always puzzled us
And is in the back of our mind’s constantly
When it comes to the boat race final every year
Why is it the same two teams we always see

Body Building

SEXLESS

Women body builders
Think they look fab
All muscular
And not an inch of flab
With feminine parts
Under triangular tabs
Unfortunately you couldn’t
Sex them in a lab

Bowling

ANYTHING BY GEORGE

George arrived home from work one night
To find the house bathed in candlelight
His wife Julie Draped on the sofa sexily
Wearing very little and smiling seductively
She swung her long stockined legs to the floor
And walked slowly to George by the door
In her silk camisole she looked very sexy
Her dark nipples were aroused, he could see
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything."
So George tied her up and then he went bowling

Boxing

BILLY THE KID

The noble art of pugilism
It has often been called
Not all would agree
And some are just appalled
Young fighter Billy Owen
Was barely standing
After being pounded
For three rounds in the ring
It was so noisy you couldn’t
Hear the bell sound
The ring of the bell
To mark the end of the round
The battered and bloody
Boxer sat on his stool
If you’d seen him you’d
Agree the sport is cruel
The corner man took a look
And gave his view
“You’re doing ok kid
He’s not laid a glove on you”
The kid replied
“Then keep an eye on the referee”
“Because someone’s
Beating the crap out of me”

Cricket

THAT’S NOT CRICKET

Cricket is not my sport that I have to say
But the game appears to be in the doldrums
For me the most exiting part of the match
Are the barmy army beating their drums
They spread the event over five full days
In an effort to make it appear more fun
But if they want to make it more exciting
They should make them play tip and run

HIT FOR SIX

A man went to see Doctor Crum
"I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

Diving

SCUBA TECHNIQUE

Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat

Football

TIMES UP

To my chest my
Hands I clasp
I deeply breathe
I wheeze and gasp
My temples throb
My mouth is dry
My heart beats fast
I’m going to die
My voice has gone
My throat is sore
My hands both shake
I can take no more
I lay my head
Upon my knee
Now blow the whistle
Referee
SHOT IN THE BACK - SIDE

It was in the buttock apparently
That a footballer has been shot
Although from the papers you may
Believe it or believe it not
As this was the way of reporting
The event that they preferred
“Adjacent to the player’s tunnel
An explosive incident occurred”

BEST OF A DECADE

The soundtrack of the sixties
Was by Lennon and McCartney
But it was little Georgie Best
Who did the choreography


THE DOMESTIC GAME

The beautiful game
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue

DRESSING UP

They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away

When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside

But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend

They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress

Golf

SPOT THE BALL

Well the difference is between
A golf ball and a wife’s G-Spot?
A man will spend time searching
For their golf ball’s quite a lot


FOLLOW THAT MAN

Many years ago when
One hundred white men
Chased a single black man
It would have been the Klan
However we can be sure
Today it’s just the PGA tour


SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT

I was in the golf shop browsing
The different types of golf balls
I had been using the women’s type
And wasn’t getting on with them at all
I was approached by an assistant
Who was dark handsome and tall
He asked if he could help me.
And without even thinking at all
I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

TIGER, TIGER - THE TIGER

Tiger, Tiger, what a plight
Laying prone out like a light
What mortal hand blacked your eye?
And left you staring at the sky
What greater wounds would be
On your bruised and battered body
If your wife had on reflection
Thought carefully about her club selection

TIGER, TIGER - MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB

Tiger should now have
Sympathy for baby seals
With first hand knowledge
Of how they feel
As Tiger and the baby seal
Have in common
That they’ve both been clubbed
By a Scandinavian

TIGER, TIGER - TIPS AND POINTERS

Elin’s phone hasn’t stopped
Since the tale hit the papers
Every golfer in the world
Wants to speak to her
To get some pointers
On how to beat Tiger


TIGER, TIGER - STROKE PLAY

Elin Woods admitted
Assaulting Tiger
“How many times”?
The police asked her
She thought for a moment
"I’m not sure exactly”
Then with a nod she said
“Mark me down for a three”

TIGER, TIGER -TRAPPINGS

Being on the top of his sport
Tiger Woods is wealthy,
And he enjoys the trappings
Of being financially healthy
He has bought luxury cars
With what he has won
Once all in pristine condition
But now has a hole-in-one.


TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE

Tiger can drive a golf ball
400 yards, effortlessly
But can only drive a car
Little more than three

TIGER, TIGER - OUT AND ABOUT

Elin was asked what she and Tiger were doing
Out and about in the early hours of the morning
She said she couldn’t answer for Tiger
But for herself she was out clubbing

TIGER, TIGER - CHOICES

Tiger Woods was undecided,
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree


SUBTLE DIFFERENCE

There is a subtle difference
Between “Put” and “Putt”
In meaning as well as spelling
I will attempt to elucidate
Their subtle difference
Clearly in the telling

“Put” means to place something
Where you ultimately want it
“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt
To do the same with the ball you hit

THE CHARACTER OF GOLF

The game of Golf is character building
In the view of certain people
Others are a little more grounded
And would describe it as a perpetual
Series of unmitigated disasters
Punctuated by an occasional miracle

Horse Racing

A DAY AT THE RACES

A skinny brunette with hair in pigtails
A busty blonde with a ponytail
Overweight lasses showing their bellies
Some eccentric sorts wearing green wellies

Women in shorts to small for their arse
Some dressed up showing some class
Several who’ve just crawled our of bed
Mutton dressed as lamb – enough said

White skinned redheads wearing no bra
Leggy birds show all getting out the car
Baggy combat trousered youngsters
Extremely skimpily dressed funsters

Mothers clad in coloured print dresses
Vixens and vamps and painted temptresses
Elderly folk wearing sensible shoes
Lads on the pull hunt in threes or twos

Middle aged man-eaters dressed to kill
Bold young stunners dressed to thrill
Schoolgirls dressed up to look thirty
Thirty something’s dressed to look dirty

Tuppenny tarts and fifty pound whores
Bored housewives fed up with the chores
Young professionals and people of note
People used to wearing ermine not stoat

Middle aged geezers who ate all the pies
The absent minded gaze wistfully up at the skies
The hooray henrys suited and booted
The Nuevo riche who’ve snorted and tooted


Spinster aunts with cheeks glowing
Half cut bimbos with tattoos showing
Hormones raging with alcohol and heat
Game young women viewed like meat

Girls of all ages wearing shorts and vests
Tops that barely cover their chests
Those who dress nicely for the party
Drink too much and still look tarty

Short skirted fillies showing all
Phone to their ear making endless calls
Stumbling about sucking on fags
Half drunk and acting like slag’s

From dawn till dusk they drink all day
Losing money and dignity along the way
Dressed in suits, beachwear or like clowns
A day out at the races on the Epsom downs


THE GRAND NATIONAL

Jockeys in bright coloured racing silk
Representing owners of every ilk
The horses fidget with ears pricked
Punters shout for the horse they picked
Ready for the off the tension mounts
A lot of money bet on turf accounts
they’re at the start now all in a line
The starter waits till all is fine
And they’re off, and the horses surge
Moving en mass like a cavalry charge

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail


On they go riding at a steady rate
Five fences in the opening straight
Then the big one Bechers Brook
Some don’t fancy it when they take a look
Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn
Valentines is then the next big concern
Three more fences and the field is thinning
Across the Melling Road and turning
Over two more fences before the Chair
Then the water jump and halfway there

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail


The crowd cheers loudly those who remain
As the magnificent beasts go around again
Along the straight five fences once more
Then Bechers Brook counts its score
Beneath them the ground seems to quake
The leaders leaving fallers in their wake
Then the Foinavon fence before Canal Turn
Valentines is once again the big concern
Three more fences and the field is thinning
Across the Melling Road and turning

Powerful beasts of chestnut and grey
Doing battle on Grand National day
Hooves thunder hard past the rail
Who will win the race who will prevail


Two more fences and the volume gets loud
Almost home to the delight of the crowd
Jump the last fence and land ahead
Keep your wits about you, keep your head
The finishing straight the end in sight
Across the finish line to the crowds delight
For the winner at the end of the road
The great sporting accolade is bestowed
A spectacle on an afternoon well spent
For those who witness the great event

Rugby

WINE DOWN UNDER

Don’t buy any Australian wine’s next year
Because since they lost the world cup I fear
When we knocked them off their ivory tower
All of their grapes have suddenly gone sour


CONFESSIONS OF A HOOKER

Lying in bed on their wedding night
The newly wed wife said, eyes full of tears
“Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years”
The husband said to her calmly
That he had no concern about it
And that it might even
Spice up their nuptials a bit
Then she got flustered
And said “no, no you don’t understand
My name was Jeremy
And I played Rugby for England”

Skiing

A GOOD SPORT

If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country

BLONDSKI

Bimbette always wanted to go water skiing
And desperately wanted to fulfill her hope
But despite an lengthy and extensive search
She was unable to find a Lake with a slope.

Sports

GAWD’N BENNIT

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF
JAMES GORDON BENNET II, 1841 - 1918

Gordon Bennett, not an exclamation but a real person
Born in New York but enjoying a European education
Named after his father who had been born a Scotsman
An immigrant to America who became a newspaperman
An accomplished New York journalist for many years
Founding the herald instituting many modern ideas

Known as Gordon to distinguish him from his father
A good journalist but he liked the good life rather
But he took over the herald and his fathers throne
He sent Stanley to Africa to seek out Dr Livingstone
He was never afraid to back a dangerous expedition
Even De Long’s ill-fated trip to the arctic region.

Gordon was at one time engaged to miss Caroline may
But he committed a most dreadful faux pas one-day
Arriving at her parents mansion both drunk and late
In front of her he proceeded to urinate in the grate
Bennett was unceremoniously ejected and sent away
Well the engagement was broken off needless to say

He lived mainly in Paris after the fireplace incident
But still running the herald by cable as president
Bennett was fond of sports, especially of yachting
But also of balloon, aeroplane and motor racing
Sponsoring many international events of the day
Some of the many trophies are still raced for today

Gordon Bennett was a bit of a daredevil of his day
He was known to be a playboy in an eccentric way
According to one particular well reported yarn
Bennett flew his aeroplane through an open barn
One surprised onlooker was supposed to have said
'Gordon Bennett' and hence the phrase was spread


Many names are remembered after the individual dies
He’s still better known as an exclamation of surprise
Gordon Bennett is one of the many euphemisms used
In order to prevent the word “god” being misused.
A colorful character whos daring exploits were famed
Would we remember had he been differently named?

SPORTY WIFE

Now I keep telling my wife
No matter what she may have thought
In no way shape or form
Can shopping be considered as a sport

IT'S ONLY A GAME

"It's only a game,” they might say
It’s not a life and death thing
No one ever says, "It's only a game"
When their team is winning.

Tennis

WITCHFINDER

Witchcraft abounds
In Wimbledon
This is a conclusion
That’s forgone
And there are witches
Everywhere
See if you can spot one
If you dare
Agassi is one and
That Tim’s a witch
And then there’s Goran
Even e’s a vitch


YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM TV

Fed up of missing his favourite shows on TV
Young Ben wanted was his own telly
“Could I have a telly in my room dad”?
Reluctantly Dad said yes to the lad
Ben stayed in his room the first night
Next morning he gave his parents a fright
He asked his them “what is love juice?”
His mother left making some feeble excuse
Leaving his Dad to explain the basics
Of sexual intercourse and its mechanics
The boy sat in open mouthed amazement
Dad asked him after his embarrassment
“Exactly what program did you have on?”
The boy replied "I was watching Wimbledon"


ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim

ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2

If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 10.08.2010

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