FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
Come Christmas day
I will be full of Christmas spirit
Buck fizz with my breakfast
Is only the start of it
Then a sherry with the vicar
After the candles have been lit
And aperitif before lunch
Maybe Vodka or a Gin and it
Wine with every course
Brandy when the pudding is lit
Liqueur with coffee
Then more brandy as we sit
Then when the day is over
I whish shoe a ferry Hacky Fhrismit
PLASTIC CHRISTMAS
Now Dasher, Now, Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner, On Blitzen
So the plastic Santa’s say
Down at the mall
But shoppers have a verse
That serves one and all
Now charge it, now defer it
No cash and No cheques
On store card, on visa
On MasterCard and A-mex
JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE
Christmas at the office
Is just like any other day
Let’s face of it
You end up doing all the work
And the fat guy in the suit
Gets all the credit
CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS
Every Christmas day is the same
The Browns come round for lunch
I dread the time as it approaches
There a bloody awful bunch
He’s an opinionated git
She’s a loudmouthed fishwife
Their kids run amuck unchecked
Causing trouble and strife
They drink all my booze
And eat every crumb of food
They’re uncouth and vulgar
Obnoxious and just plain rude
They are a truly horrible family
I wish I could show them the door
They have no redeeming features
God I hate my brother in law
CHRISTMAS CHEER
I went to the pub with my brother
For a Christmas, lunchtime drink
While my wife cooked the dinner
And washed up at the sink
We got thrown out at 4 o’clock
Full of Christmas cheer and gin
We got home ready for Christmas lunch
And found it in the bin
CHRISTMAS POST
Mildred went to the post office
To buy stamps for her Christmas cards
“What denomination do you want?”
She was asked by Mr Everard
“That’s political correctness gone mad,
Has it come to this?” said she
“You’d better give me a book of Catholic
And a book of C of E”
SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS
It was Christmas eve at the magistrates court
And the Magistrate was in charitable mood
And In keeping with the season
Was inclined to show a little latitude
"Now then, what is the charge against you?"
He asked the unfortunate prisoner
The man in the dock replied
"I was caught Christmas shopping very early sir"
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me.
What do you mean by “very early” man”?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant,
"It was an hour before the shop was open."
CHRISTMAS SERVICE
It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
And had been snowing heavily since before the dawn
And for the morning service the waiting minister
Was eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
The clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
I don’t suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
The farmer replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”
OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT
My mum got me a jumper
That fits what it touched
My sister got me novelty socks
That didn’t cost very much
My dad got me a Philishave
To shave between my spots
My Nan got me a scarf
And a box of jelly tots
But it’s the identity
That I would like to know
Of who got me the condoms
Tied up with a bow
THREE WISE ONES
The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
It was Christmas Eve closing time, nearly
Where a last minute shopper, frustrated clearly
Was rummaging through the freezer cabinet
At her nearest out of town super market
Desperately searching for a frozen turkey
And couldn't find one big enough for her family
Then she saw a young shop assistant pass by
And decided that she would give him a try
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" she said
Puzzled he replied "No madam, they're dead."
THE SANTA CLAUSE
When I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got older
I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
When I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildren
I look like Santa Claus
SEASONS GREETINGS
Tis the festive season
Of goodwill and reason
For the politically correct
The dithering and the direct
For the clubs and the cliques
And tedious control freaks
For the anal retentive's
And their many representatives
For council house yobs
And the inverted snobs
Those with professional jobs
And intellectual snobs
For the easily offended
And the over complicated
For the vile and the venomous
The overt and the anonymous
Snake in the grass vipers
And Back stabbing snipers
To the tarts and the vicars
And those in disposable knickers
For all poetry scrawlers
And the unpleasant name callers
For the narrowly minded
And those with axes grinded
For the loud minority
And the silent majority
For blondes and brunettes
And all lads and laddettes
Those pierced and tattooed
And the prim and the lewd
For the bright and the bland
And the humble and the grand
For those who are pretentious
And the liberal consensus
Every class hew and breed
Every persuasion and creed
Whether ungifted or artistic
And the mentally arthritic
For the first and the last
And sense of humour bypassed
For those with rhyme and reason
So in the spirit of the season
Now the year is nearly done
Merry Christmas everyone
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 2
I don’t want a present
That’s very practical
Or a gift home made
Or something musical
Something for wearing
Thoughtful or twee
Things for the garden
Or things fragrant or smelly
Nothing expensive when
The value is shocking
I just want something shapely
In a Christmas stocking
A GIFT FOR MARIA
A young man called Paul
Wanted to buy a present
For his new sweetheart Maria
As a Christmas present
As they’d not been dating
For a very long duration
He decided to purchase
After careful consideration
A nice pair of gloves
striking the right note
Not too romantic or personal
So the gloves got his vote
Accompanied by Maria’s sister
He went to Harrods and bought
A dainty pair of white gloves
“She will like these” he thought
Maria’s sister Susan bought
A pair of panties for herself
But during the wrapping
An error was made on the shelf
The assistant mixed up
The gloves and the panties
The sister got the gloves
And Maria got the scanties
Without checking Paul sealed
The package along with a note
And sent it to his sweetheart
And this is what he wrote
Dear Maria, I chose these
As I noticed my darling
That you don’t wear any
When we go out in the evening.
If not for your sister Susan
I would have got long ones
The type with the buttons,
But Susan wears short ones
That are easier to remove.
They are a delicate shade,
But the shop assistant
where the purchase was made
Showed me the pair she has
That she’d been wearing
and were hardly soiled
After three weeks wearing
I had her try yours on for me
And she looked really chic
Even though they were
Tight on her a little bit.
She told me that her pair
Helps to keep her ring
Clean and shiny, and in fact
And this is interesting
Since she’d begun wearing them.
It hadn’t needed washing
I really hope you like them
And wish I were there with you
To put them on you Maria
for the first time I really do
As no doubt many other hands
Will have touched them
Before I see you again
Remember when you remove them
To blow into them before
Putting them away and drying
As they will naturally be
A little damp from wearing
Just think how many times
My lips will kiss them
during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them
For me on Friday night
All my love Paul till then
P.S. The latest style
Which appears to be growing
Is to wear them folded down
With a little fur showing
OH NO HE ISN’T
My great uncle John was an actor on the stage
Who was best known as a pantomime dame
Famous for his ugly sister and widow twanky
But not anymore which is a great shame
He has gone to that great pantomime in the sky
No longer will he don grease paint and his regalia
I will still see him though from time to time
Because he’s not dead he’s just working for Ryan air
WHO’S THE NEW GUY?
A tenth reindeer flew in Santa’s team
One unknown pulling Santa’s sleigh
We know the names of nine of them
Including Rudolf leading the way
So who was the mystery number ten?
Twas Rudolf the brown nosed reindeer
Flew behind his red nosed brother
But he couldn’t stop as quick I fear
HOOK
There is something puzzling me
As it doesn’t say in the book
Before his hand was taken
What did they call captain hook
It’s a difficult one to answer
Maybe he was evil captain fist
Or was he called captain two hands
Not really a very menacing list
And was it simply irony, mere chance
Or was his accident planned
For if not for the crocodile
He would have remained a deck hand
HAPPY STRESSLESS
A good friend of mine
Does his Christmas shopping
In less than two hours
With decs for party popping
And Gifts for twenty five
Friends and family
All on Christmas Eve
Including a six foot tree
IT’S CHRISTMAS
People have been discovering
On a Christmas Morning
That the curse of Christmas
That’s causing the most fuss
Has been unanimously concluded
To be “Batteries not included”
SATAN RULES KO
If you’re a worshiper of Satan
And you suffer from Dyslexia
Take care before you commit
You may sell your soul to Santa
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 1
Well I only got a sweater for Christmas
Not the best thing to get for a dreamer
Because I got a sweater for Christmas
When I wanted a moaner or a screamer
HAPPY CHRISTMAS AUNTIE PEGGY
For Christmas I bought my Auntie
A brand new wooden leg
I didn’t have it specially made
No I just got it off the peg
You may say it’s not a nice gift
Or even that it’s a killer
It wasn’t her main present though
It was just a stocking filler
FALL OF THE SNOWMAN
Here is a thought of little worth
Snowmen start their fall to earth
From Heaven above unassembled
And like a snow globe it resembled
But if a snowman were then desired
Some assembly would be required
NICE
Making your way in life, it’s nice
To know you can, once or twice
Rely on other people in a trice
For assistance, guidance or advice
They’ll be no shortage of advice
But knowing what piece or slice
Of advice or guidance will suffice
You might just as well roll a dice
This axiom though it be concise
Won’t be bettered to be precise
So you take heed or pay the price
“Don’t eat yellow snow or ice”
PREPARING THE BIRD
The best way to prepare
Your turkey this Christmas
Is to keep it simple
To minimize the fuss
To my way of thinking
The best method to apply
Is just be straight
And say “Turkey, you’re going to die”
WRITTEN WARNING
Beware of what you write
In your Christmas letter to Santa
Ask yourself if you’ve been good
But be honest when you answer
If you’re naughty and say you’re nice
Santa may erupt with laughter
He may even laugh so violently
That you end up killing Santa
NEW RESOLVE
My New Year resolution
Was to find a solution
To my misshapen figure
And lack of vim and vigour
Though feeling rather grim
I signed up for the gym
First came the orientation
And equipment demonstration
I was told of suitable clothes
Something loose that flows
I said “the reason or the point
Of me being in this joint
And why I signed up tonight
Is all my clothes are tight”
MY EVERGREENS
Oh Holly and my Ivy
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell
CHRISTMAS HERALD
The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santa’s are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween
JINGLE BELLS
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
I’ve got a gun and a clever disguise
To rob the bank on its busiest day
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
We got caught do you know why?
Because we only had a getaway sleigh
SCROOGE AND GRINCH
Scrooge and Grinch
Don’t believe in Christmas
When the carolers come along
They start to swear and cuss
Ebeneezer Scrooge is a skinflint
A mean and grasping old miser
Who buys from the pound shop
And sells them at a fiver
Little more than a grouch
Is the Christmas stealing Grinch
Who to miserable to be happy
He steals your Christmas by the inch
The tale is told of redemption
After the ghostly haunting stunt
The Grinch whole-hearted and loving
Says merry Christmas with a grunt
Scrooge and Grinch never changed
They were just putting on a front
OH MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL
Oh my Christmas Angel
Won’t you here my plea
Oh Christmas Angel
Spend Christmas with me
Oh my Christmas Angel
Surely heaven sent
Oh Christmas Angel
Be my Christmas present
Oh my Christmas Angel
Wont you here my plea
Let me un-wrap you
Beneath the Christmas tree
Oh my Christmas Angel
Oh please hear me do?
Oh Christmas angel
Let me make a devil out of you
WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT
While brokers watched
Their stock by night
In the heart of London town
The angel of the Lord came down
And turned off the power
And turned off the power
While brokers looked
Into their blank monitors
Stop messing she was bade
There’s lots of money to be made
Turn on the bloody power
Turn on the bloody power
You seem to be missing
The true meaning of Christmas
The angel calmly explained
In the darkness of the exchange
They did not listen to her
They wanted only power
I am not hear for god
I am hear at my own bidding
The angel was ranting and raving
You lost my bloody savings
When they told to her the risks
She fried them to a crisp
MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR
Merry Christmas sir, I’m your paper boy
I bring you daily tidings of peace and joy
I know that at 6am that no one knocks
But how else would I get my Christmas box
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 1
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
As earlier that night with the aid of cheese and a trap
I bad Mr. Mouse Merry Christmas as the spring went snap
I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR
I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur
It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew
But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled
I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes
And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes
At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare
This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque
The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw
Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 13
Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you
CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
It’s Christmas Eve in the workhouse,
And not a hint of the seasons in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
They’ll be no treats in store tonight
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
If we’re lucky we’ll dine on mouse
And Oliver will still be asking for more
CHRISTMAS ACROSS THE SEA
I am of occidental origin
And I should make it clear
That I have lived all my life
In the northern hemisphere
And every year, except this one
I’ve spent Christmas in blighty
This year, I was invited to my daughters
I tried to decline, politely
She doesn’t live in Britain
But in the land of the kangaroo
Christmas day in high summer
Oh what an awful to-do
The hot sun was like the Grinch
Not a cloud in the sky since dawn
It ruined the day for me
And it made the eggnog warm
Flies buzzed round the turkey
My hat was stuck to my head
No queen’s speech on the telly
I wish I’d stayed home instead
CHRISTMAS SPICE
Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice
TIED UP WITH TINSEL
Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel
HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS
You must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull
FAIRY ON THE TREE
Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the flat,
Not a creature was stirring not even the cat
The mince pies had been eaten every one and all
And the dog had thrown up on the carpet in the hall
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 3
I only want one Christmas gift
It’s the only Christmas wish I’ve wished
I just want to know all the names
Of the girls on the naughty list
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 3
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the tent
The creatures were stirring with malicious intent
They wriggled and crawled they chewed and they bit
As they made themselves a festive feast of it
COUNT ON IT
If you are constantly worrying
About over indulging
During the festive season
Then there really is no reason
It is a well known fact you see
That you can fully enjoy the festivities
And relax and not stress or fuss
Because calories don't count at Christmas
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 4
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the cottage
Was silence with the owners at home in Peas Pottage
So under cover of darkness at a very late hour
The cottage was torched by the Sons of Glendower
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 5
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And when the king returned from merrymaking
No one was awake to let him back in
BE ON YOUR GUARD
Be on your guard
Wherever you go
Tread very carefully
You could even tip toe
But if you don’t take heed
And don’t watch where you go
You may get caught
Beneath the mistletoe
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 6
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And the reason for all the silence within
Was an over indulgence of wine and gin
CHRISTMAS TURKEY
Laid naked on the kitchen table
White flesh from leg to breast
A Christmas bird to be enjoyed
My table was truly blessed
I set about the job in hand
Getting the bird prepared
And by using all my expertise
No effort at all was spared
Having greased the old bird well
The meaty legs spread wide
And I began to stuff the bird
I was really in my stride
When the bird had been well stuffed
It lay resting on the cooker
Smelling of sage and onion
The bird really was a looker
Then I looked up at the kitchen clock
Panic filled me and I began to fret
I shouted to my wife “quick put you pants on”
Ii haven’t prepared the turkey yet
CHRISTMAS SCENE
Snow blankets the ground
Lights twinkle and flash and chase
Reds, blues, white
From Chimney pot
To garden gate
Lights of every hue
And a five foot plastic Winnie the Pooh
Santa’s, elves and reindeer
Stand guard on front lawns
Neon signs point the way for Santa
A typical scene now you might think
Could be anywhere in the world
The only thing to give away the location
Is the fact it’s still November
So welcome to
Christmas in Chav land
WATCH OUT
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
He’s stalked you all year long
Amidst the office throng
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Who’s been waiting all year long
With a desire so strong
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
Who wants to hold you in embrace
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go
CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR
Christmas is a funny time of year
At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing
With people who clearly don’t want to be there
Spending money they don’t have
On things the recipients of them won’t like
You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years
And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of
You spend the day itself
Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year
You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had
Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog
You dine on roast Turkey
Which no one lists as their favourite meat
And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats
When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table
You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies
That give everyone heartburn
Then you all sit around a dead tree
Pretending to like the presents you open
You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock
While you watch the Queens speech
Then you play parlour games suggested by someone
Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”
Who then falls asleep in his chair
But despite all of this I still love it
SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer
THREE WISE ONES Reprised
The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose
GROTTOS GO LEGAL
Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Claus’s
From this year on as subordinate clauses
NORTHERN LIGHTS
We have just learned
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practise has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode
Came the rancid smell like an un-emptied commode
It made your eyes water to be perfectly crude
Wow this baby needs to start eating solid food
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9
Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed
BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie
On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
PARTY CLAUS
What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof
CHRISTMAS GOOSE
At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse
Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd
The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 136
Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
I can’t wait till Christmas to eat some of that
Coz I’m on the Atkins diet and that’s a fact
I just hope that I don’t have a heart attack
CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT
Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions
But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has to had to go
For fear of litigation
“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick
CHRISTMAS JOY
I have a new love in my life
That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n
I will bring Joy to her world
When I go south for the season
LAST CHRISTMAS
Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year
EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS
Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho
SANTA’S R & R
When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave
His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return
In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor
Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games
So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again
But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie
DEAR SANTA CLAUS
Dear Santa Claus
I have been good
I thought I’d mention that
So it’s understood
I don’t want
Something practical
Something useful
Nor educational
I don’t what
Something creative
Something arty
Or constructive
I don’t want
Something sporty
Something healthy
Not outdoorsy
What I want
Is an X-Box or a PS3
So I can escape
My boring reality
But I don’t want
You to bring me a Wii
It’s just too healthy
And drains my energy
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they all ended up with a big piece of coal
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 3
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We have been promised nouvelle cuisine
So Oliver will be asking for more
OLD YEARS NIGHT
My wife is an optimist
Which is why, she stays up
On New Years Eve
To see in the new one
I am by nature a pessimist
Which means, that I stay up
On New Years Eve
To make sure the old one has gone
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED
There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in his sleigh
And then flew her off to St Tropez
CHRISTMAS GETAWAY
The sleigh is empty
The list is ticked
It’s back to base
Double quick
Mrs. Claus is waiting
To greet me
Fidgeting around
Quite excitedly
The bags are packed
And in the sleigh
We’re off to Florida
For a holiday
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 4
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We are being treated to pot noodle
So Oliver won’t be asking for more
SAD SANTA
Santa Claus is depressed
Its declining standards you see
The naughty list is now so long
It needs storing electronically
Where as the good list has shrunk
And now fits on a sheet of A3
RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT
Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff
CHRISTMAS PERFECTION
I found the perfect Christmas gift
And that’s what I’m unwrapping
She’s five foot two, eyes of blue
Slender, tender, figuratively cracking
So it’s a happy Christmas to me
For a very obvious reason
I’ve found myself the perfect gift
That I will enjoy all of the season
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples
TIME FOR CHRISTMAS
At last I have some time to spare
No more work until the New Year
It’s nearly Christmas so beware
The weather's bitter so have a care
Peace and goodwill and never fear
A wish for one and all for the coming year
YES THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS
If you want the great gift giver
To come on his sleigh and deliver
Then remember this simple rhyme
And recall it at Christmas time
“If in Santa you do not believe
Christmas gifts you will not receive”
CROMWELLIAN
The lord protector Oliver Cromwell
Killed thousands, the truth to tell
Beheaded the king and closed hostelries
And he cancelled the Christmas festivities
CHRISTMAS CHILL
Enjoy your Christmas day in peace
Avoid any kind of quarrel or wrangle
Chill out, relax and enjoy the day
And don’t get your tinsel in a tangle
HARBINGER OF YULE
The advent calendars
Are first to appear
Heralding the headlong rush
Toward Christmas cheer
On trees baubles reflect
Flickers of candle light
From Novembers end
Right up to twelfth night
GIFTS FOR EVERYONE
Jimmy got an iPod
Sally got an iPhone
Dad got an iPad
Mum got an iRon
Happy Christmas? iThink not
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.12.2008
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